#but i also don't want to pressure peeps if it just ain't your thing anymore

[mercymaker]

i really need to revise my tag list because bg3 is getting stale for a lot of people and i'm still mainly posting about it

[imxenelle]

Farewell Kim Jonghyun

To be honest, I don't know how to start this blog but I will try my best to make my point clear. And I hope people will take their time to read this. This might be a bit long but please.. Bare with me. Thank you.

I am someone at the age of 19 years old. Eversince I was a child, I had depression. What triggered my depression was watching my family breaking apart and losing a family member because of depression. I was at the age of 4, an age where I shouldn't understand yet what was going on. I should've focused on playing with kids or do stuff like a normal kid should do, but I did not. Instead, I was by my mothers side as I watched her cry every night. I took care of her whenever I could as I wiped away her tears and brought her tissues and a glass of water. I was also always alert when she was about to collapse. I kept her cellphone ready in order to call for help or was ready to run out to our neighbors eventhough it was in the middle of the night. To make it short, I did not acknowledge my depression until I was in elementary. I went to a psychiatrist almost 2 times a week.

Now that I am 19, I've recently realized as to why my depression comes back every now and then. It is not because of my past. I accepted years ago that my family wouldn't be the way it used to be. So I do know that this is not the main reason for my mental issue today.

It was around the first week of September 2017 when I realized, after all these years, that I was the reason behind my depression. I'm the main cause. I am pressured by my own self. I exhaust my own self without noticing it all those years.

After I realized this, the whole reason behind my anxiety and depression, I couldn't stop myself from hurting myself anymore. I was tired of myself once again. On the 23rd September, I tried to overdose myself. 7-8grams, but nothing happened to me, not even after I fell asleep. I got mad. I was annoyed. I couldn't understand why I was still breathing and alive. But I eventually moved on and well, went on with my life.

I'm doing well today.

The point about this blog is, Jonghyun and I have the same reason as to why we're suicidal and have depression. Please, I am not claiming that we have the exact reason nor do I try to claim something else. We are both different people with different feelings and emotions.

I've read an article where Jonghyun's letter was posted and I was extremely shocked hearing about him being depressed about himself. I don't know how to express myself nor do I know if I'm even saying this right. I felt like I understood where he was coming from when he said that people should not judge ones' depression, mostly if you have no clue what he or she is going through. Also when a person was questioning the reason of Jonghyuns' depression. You cannot tell a person what was triggering his mental issues when he himself knew it already.

Having depression myself, I know what a struggle it can be. So I am very thankful to the people who are there for me and never giving up on me. So I hope people out there has at least someone they can trust and depend on whenever they need someone. If you think you don't have anyone, you can always message me. I'm always ready to make friends and be there for someone who needs a shoulder to lean and cry on.

And before I end this blog, I would like to copy paste something I wrote on my IG. I wrote it into 3 parts.

1. "It's all in your mind" "Don't let it go to your head" "Think positive" "Those feelings aren't permanent" "Others have it worse than you"

Please, please stop using those words when someone opens up to you about their problems. About their loud cries in their head. Their silent tears that scream for help. Stop. Please stop promising to a person who has anxiety/depression that you're there for them when you just end up leaving them with their thoughts. With their killing thoughts that no one hears but them. Please stop offer help if you refuse to listen but just put your own words into our mouths. You may reflect upon our situation but please do not talk for us. We may have the same situation but we do not have the same feelings. Please do not compare us with others as we are all different from each other. We do know that people out there may have it worse than us but we do not need it to be rubbed under our noses. We know. Please understand that we are troubling with ourselves. We do not mean to bother others so we keep it to ourselves. But the more we keep it to ourselves, the more people get affected, isn't it? I apologize for that. But please know that I am trying my best to do better, to be okay, to be happy. Please do understand as I try to help myself to be okay because I know no one can help me except myself. But the problem is, I do not know how to help myself anymore. Please do understand that talking may be tiring for us by now as we try to explain over and over again. It's not like we refuse to talk. It's not like that. Please don't force us to talk. It's just really tiring now that we just shut down and stay quiet and just cry. Please understand that anxiety and depression isn't just a feeling of being scared and sadness. It's not. It's something we cannot explain once it hits you. Please do not tell us to think of something positive. It is not like we do not want to. We do try to think positive. But once it hits us, our mind goes blank. It shuts off. Yes, sometimes we do not think but just feel. So please stop saying it is all up in our mind. We do not feel the pain in our mind but in our heart.

2."Try harder" "Your 'trying' isn't enough" "Don't try, do it" "Trying won't hurt"

It ain't easy the way it sound like. Please do not tell us that we should do something in order to make ourselves busy. To make our mind busy. It's because it'll make sound like we aren't trying. But we do. We do know that you mean only good but at the back of our mind it'll still bother us to the point that our mind starts to think "I am trying!" God damn it, we are trying. I am trying. Putting these words into my own mind and mouth is like adding salt to a fresh wound. I take the salt from you and pour it unto my own open flesh so it'll hurt less, but it doesn't. Please do know that we are trying our best to be okay. We try our best to stay happy. Because who doesn't wants happiness in their life? We want it too. We want it to last, even if it would be for a single day. So we try our best to do all the things we love to do, even if it'll takes a risk and a step beyond the line we're scared to cross. Taking the risks in life gave us sometimes the taste of happiness but coming at the end of the day, the same feeling comes back, even if we do not want to welcome it back. It's because IT welcomes us back.

So please, do not tell us to try harder because we do not try. We DO our best.

3. "You're being too dramatic" "Attention seeker" "It'll be okay"

Please stop saying that we're being too dramatic and that we're attention seekers. It hurts. Emotions and feelings aren't something to joke about. Please understand that we rather choose to keep it to ourselves instead of telling it to others. Keep it away even from our friends and loved ones. Sometimes they do not understand us either. Please understand that it hurts the most as we cry in our own 4 walls as we try not to make a sound in order for people not to hear us. It hurts. It hurts when loved ones don't understand. But it hurts the most when they blame themselves because we feel this way. We do not want to blame anyone but ourselves. Our own mind. Please do not talk down on us as you say "it'll be okay". People like I hold unto your words in hope you are saying the truth but cry in pain as these were words were filled with no sincerity but air. We do not blame you for these words that slip from your lips but our idiotic selves for trusting and holding unto something that can't promise us anything. Please do not tell us it'll be okay when you can't see your own tomorrow. Please do not tell us it'll be okay when we've been told this now since years. We are still not okay. Please stop giving us false hope that were meant to be unintentional.

ㅡㅡㅡ

I am done. I'm sorry if this was a long blog but I would like to give my sincerest thank you if you read it till here!

Please message me if you like to talk to me! You can open up to me about anything. I'm happy to make friends! And please remember to spread love. I love you peeps so much! Always take care of yourself! ❤

Lastly, I would like to end this blog with a short message to our Jonghyun.

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Dear Jonghyun,

How are you? Are you doing well? I do hope you're well and safe. I believe that you're in a place now where you can rest your tired soul. I would like to thank you for being my very first ultimate bias. Thank you and SHINee for bringing me in into the Kpop world. Thanks to you, I found something I can hold unto whenever I feel down and happy of course. Thank you for being my joy and inspiration and motivation. Thank you for sharing your blessings with us. Your beautiful voice with your sweet and kind heart. Thank you for being you Jonghyun. I am sorry if I'm still crying as I write this but please know that I love you so much and that I miss you. I am sorry if I tried to run away from my own sadness and reality. I tried to run and build a wall from the reality that was right in front of me. I was scared to face it. I couldn't believe it and refused to accept it. It was too painful for me to let you go just yet. But knowing that you're in a safe place now, I try to let go. I'm slowly letting go of you. But it doesn't mean I will forget you. I will never forget you Jonghyun. You will always have a place in my mind and heart. You did well.

Rest in Peace Kim Jonghyun.