#but i agree with her. more trans girls and transfeminine people should be seen as people with 'cool genders'

[website-com]

since pepper was asking for it something that girls do that always makes me think 'cool gender' is not change their names despite it being historically masculine and re-defining the name through their identity and relationship to it.

[good--bye--binary]

They/Them or She/Her

Happy Priiiiiiiiiiiiiide!!! 🌈🏳️‍🌈

I got a couple of pics in before heading out to the Chicago Pride Parade today and even talked my mom into taking a couple selfies with me while we were there!

I’m also in the process of coming out to every person I know that I haven’t yet. Most of these are people that are very important to me, but either I don’t get to see them very often and/or they’re more conservative and not at all educated on LGBTQ issues. To that end, I finally wrote a coming out letter and I thought I’d post it here just in case anyone else wanted to use portions of it! 😁

Dear ________,

In case you didn’t already know, this month is LGBTQ+ Pride Month. Both because of this and, more importantly, because I respect and cherish our relationship, I feel compelled to tell you that I am transgender. Specifically, I am non-binary, genderfluid, and transfeminine (more on all of those terms later). Although I have always questioned my gender, I came out to myself in November of 2016. Now I feel it is the right time for absolutely everyone to know.

I have written, deleted, rewritten, and revised this letter many times over many months because I want it to be as clear as possible. To that end, I thought it best to organize it as a list of questions directed towards myself, questions that I would expect you to have. Of course if you ever want me to explain something more, an answer doesn’t make sense, or you have a question that isn’t on here, PLEASE TALK TO ME. You might find that reading these questions and answers are enough, but if you don’t, I would much rather you talk to me directly rather than speculate, be confused, or turn to the internet which may have misleading or inaccurate information. On this last point, I don’t just mean anti-LGBTQ+ websites and organizations; gender is a very complicated and personal experience, so even pro-LGBTQ+ literature may define or explain terms in ways that are different from how I apply them to my gender experience.

Q1. How do you know/what makes you think you’re transgender? A1. Like almost all LGBTQ+ people will tell you, I always knew I was somehow different from most of the other kids. For me, it was about never feeling completely comfortable or understood by boys and men. For as long as I can remember, I have not only preferred the company of girls and women, but I have never felt “like one of the boys.” My closest friends have always been (and continue to be) women. Even in films, TV shows, video games, novels, and short stories, I almost immediately identify with female characters, but rarely do I do the same with male characters.

Have I been able to “fit in” with boys/men in the past? Yes, of course I have, because society has always suggested that I should and that there would be consequences if I didn’t. Did I enjoy the act of having to hide, censor, and think very deliberately about my behavior so that I wasn’t bullied or seen as weird? Absolutely not. I went to sleepovers at my male friends’ houses in grade school, but I hated them. I would get terrible anxiety as the scheduled day came closer and once I got there, I couldn’t wait for them to be over. I hated “acting like a boy.” It brought me literal pain and discomfort.

These feelings of pain, discomfort, and anxiety are symptoms of what is known as dysphoria. Dysphoria is an experience that nearly all transfolk experience. Euphoria is the feeling that everything is perfect—being in a state of mind that is complete bliss and one that you hope will never end. Dysphoria is the opposite of that. It’s the feeling that everything is wrong—a mental and emotional state of torture that feels like it will swallow you up and crush your spirit forever. When applied to transfolk specifically, dysphoria is what we used to mean when we said things like “I feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body” or vice versa. That phrase typically isn’t used any more because it implies that a person is only a man if they have a “male body”/a woman if they have a “female body,” but the intended meaning is the same.

I know that I’m transgender because I experience dysphoria. There are days that I look at myself and I just want to throw up because I don’t feel like I look right from a gender perspective. It feels like I’ve hijacked some other person’s body, like there’s a disconnect between my mind and the person I see in the mirror. Some days I look at my men’s clothes and putting them on feels like putting on clothes made of fire or acid. I see the hair on my legs and I want to rip each and every one of them out. This is dysphoria and it feels terrible.

Q2. What do you do when you feel this way? A2. Before I came out in November of 2016, I just buried it. As a child, I of course had no idea why I felt this way. Not only that, but even in the 1990s society wasn’t ready to talk about gender the way we talk about it now, so the idea of saying I was transgender could never cross my mind because there was next to no representation of transfolk. But now, when my dysphoria hits, I don’t avoid it. I listen to my body, think to myself, “Ok, so you’re not a man today,” and adjust my gender presentation accordingly. This brings me to my specific labels of being non-binary and genderfluid.

Traditionally in Western/American culture, we think of gender as a binary experience—everyone is either a man or a woman. Even most transfolk that you may be familiar with, like Caitlyn Jenner, Jazz Jennings, Laverne Cox, and Chaz Bono, are all binary transfolk. They identify as the “opposite” gender they were assigned at birth. Being non-binary means that I don’t completely identify as a man OR as a woman. Some non-binary people identify as more male than female, more female than male, or feel that they have no gender at all (this is known as being agender). However, I also identify as genderfluid, which means that similar to how water (or any fluid) in a glass can move fluidly in a glass depending on how you tilt it, my gender also moves fluidly.

Try thinking about gender as a spectrum (which nearly all psychologists agree it is), a line from 0 to 10. On one end, you have the feeling of being completely male all of the time and on the other side being completely female.

Though it is impossible to qualify with any kind of numbers, I would say my gender identity varies from day-to-day anywhere between a 4 and and a 10. Because I am more likely to be on the feminine side of the spectrum (6-10), I can also say that I’m transfeminine, meaning that while I don’t identify as a woman every single day (and thus am not a trans woman), I do, on average, tend to feel more like a woman than a man.

So, on days that I’m at a 4 or a 5, I probably just look like what you would expect a man to look like. However, if I’m at a 7, maybe I’ll wear “mens clothes” but also wear some make-up and/or nail polish. If I’m at a 9 or 10, I probably will wear “womens clothes,” make-up, a stuffed bra, and sometimes a wig. However, no matter what my gender expression/presentation is, I’m always non-binary.

Q3. Does this mean you’re a crossdresser? A3. No. Crossdressing is a hobby, which is totally fine if that’s what you’re into. It usually refers to men who always identify as men but find it “fun” to dress in women’s clothes. When I’m a man, I wear men’s clothes. When I’m a woman, I wear women’s clothes. It’s not a fetish or a hobby. I dress for whatever my gender is that day.

Q4. Does this mean you’re gay? A4. Because my gender is constantly shifting, labels like straight, gay, lesbian, and bisexual don’t apply to me. A person’s sexuality is defined not only by who they’re attracted to, but also their own gender. A man who is a attracted to men is gay. A woman who is attracted to men and women is bi. I am only attracted to women, but I myself am neither a man or a woman, so I can’t say that I’m straight, nor can I say that I’m a lesbian. Therefore, it’s most accurate for me to say that I’m attracted to women and just leave it at that.

Q5. What am I supposed to call you now? Are you changing your name? A5. I still go by Rich. If I’m in a very public place (like when placing an order at Starbucks for example) and I’m identifying/presenting as a woman and don’t want to get clocked as transgender, then I use the name Christina.

The only big change is that I don’t go by gendered pronouns (he/him or she/her). Like most non-binary people, I go by the gender neutral they/them. For example, a friend of mine wouldn’t say, “That’s my friend, Rich. He is an English teacher.” Instead, that friend would say, “This is my friend, Rich. They are an English teacher.” You might notice that I changed the gender preference on Facebook to reflect this (i.e. “Rich has changed their profile picture”).

Also, in general, I do not appreciate being addressed with terms/phrases like “Hey man” or “What’s up, dude?” I understand that most of the time when people use “man” or “dude,” they don’t mean it in a gendered way, but it still really aggravates my dysphoria to be called “dude,” even if I’m identifying/presenting as more masculine.

I also understand and can respect that having to think about my pronouns like this may seem strange and/or difficult to remember, but all I ask is that you try your best and definitely don’t misgender me on purpose.

Q6. Are you going to have “the surgery”/a sex change? A6. Just for the record, the term “sex change” isn’t used any more; the medical term is gender reassignment surgery (or GRS). But no, I am not. I do not plan on undergoing any kind of surgery to change my sex nor do I plan on taking hormones. My wardrobe and gender pronouns are enough to qualm any dysphoria.

I know that this is a lot to take in, both literally in the sense that it was almost 2,000 words long and uses terms you might never have heard of before, but also that it might be emotionally difficult, so thank you if you’ve made it this far into this letter. All I can say is that I wanted to come out to you because I love you and because I care about our relationship. I don’t want to be ashamed or hide who I am from you any more. Take as much time as you need to process this and again, please, if you have any more questions or concerns, talk to me. You can call me, text me, or write me a letter of your own, whatever makes you most comfortable.

Much thanks and even more love, Rich

[fartonexit]

A letter for my mother to find.

I'm not spending time writing this out like I thought I would. I'm not walking you through every little step, checking paths are clear to be read, because they aren't, and I'm not taking every precaution to hide myself anymore because honestly if I keep doing that I really am going to kill myself.

I came out as trans last year after many many years of it burning and smoldering for any form of attention. I ignored it, in fact I even have a place in my brain that I visualized physically throwing myself into to keep myself quiet. Anything, everything to just not be found out, not be seen or heard, everyone go away I'm going to go hate myself.

You want to point to developmental cycles. Ok. Why do you think I stopped eating in a group at dinner? Did you know I would talk to myself in the barn at night to keep all the anxiety down and just blow off steam for an hour and a half straight? And you never questioned why it looked like I has half paying attention in some areas and trying hard in others....

In middle school I was already thinking about this. In fact, it has been on my mind for so long, I'm not sure it's never not been there. There was no cause, no big explosion of coom and suddenly I wanted to be a sex object or something. Double up, middle school was hell and I can't remember any of it except doing math at home and breaking my DS. That's basically all I remember of those 3 years. 'cept one thing.

I got asked by a chick in 6th grade to go out with her, well maybe 7th actually, and I froze and turned them down. Not because of the ASD shit, mind you, but because I'd been staring at Tyler Roth's bulge for 2 hours squirming in my chair. If a girl asks me out and I'm doing that right beforehand, and in fact get up to use the bathroom to clean up, you think I'm gunna say yes to the girl?

That's fucking stupid. No.

At least at the time to me it was.

Now I am more open about myself. I care more for personality than body, so sex doesn't matter unless it's a group effort (haha). I am definitely pansexual, there's no doubts there. Poly even, but I'm not sharing any of that with you. That's all the info you get.

If you can't tell from the title, I'm kinda trans kinda not. Non-Binary is the correct term, and I'm a little jazzed that I'm over my bullshit about it. I never said anything or made it obvious because of bad reactions from you and dad about me being gay, or other gay ppl, so like honestly why would I ever have said anything when I don't trust you?

This is also the origin of my trust issues.

In college, actually no, in high school I heard the term for the first time, in college, learning more and more about what trans ppl go through and nb people go thru, I locked myself in my room for 2 weeks and only came out for dinner. I almost committed suicide off of AB after that period because I couldn't handle it and it hadn't matched anything that I had known before. It's something I've actually wanted to talk to you about for years, and when I try to bring it up you scream at me and run away like I've ruined your whole life in some 80's teenager movie. You won't even hear my side of it.

There's obviously a lot for us to talk about, and I'll let you come up with your own questions. I'll make a lil' faq

1: Are you male or female?

A:. I'm always going to acknowledge my birth. I'm never going to not acknowledge what I went thru, the good or the bad, or that I ever had a penis.

Male in origin, but in-between. Genderfluid is the correct term. Maybe intersex as well, as that's how I see myself. I notice when I eat more estrogen enriching foods, my mood balances out. I've been eating more E rich foods lately (seeds, dry fruit, oat bran in the morning) and I've honestly never felt more.... Normal.

2: If it's fluid, what the hell do I call you?

A: Well it's not like you'll make me explode at you if you straight up call me he and I'm in a dress, more I'll be watching the ppl around you staring at you calling me a he.

My pronouns are hi / shi / him / hir / they / them, and honestly my rule is call what you see. The I is there for... Well, intersex. Male or female presenting.

So again, call what you see. I do get mad though, especially if I worked really hard to make a banger of an outfit. Honestly, so glad you don't know my style either... If I'm obviously trying, respect that. I don't always though, only on special occasions.

3: What about your name then? It's effeminate.

A: I'm effeminate, what's your point. Hell if you want a bullshit term to look into look up genderfaun. Within genderfluidity there can be limits, which ppl of course have denoted how people will denote it. Genderfaun basically means cboy. A male embodied person never quite unclasping on full effeminacy.

4: How have I never heard of this?

A: Same reason women's issues are more vocalized to men's issues. Same reason why I'm expected to be the one running the construction site and my partner is supposed to be my loving little wife. Cboy's, intersex ppl in general rly, don't really have a need to be found out. And quite rare, actually. Honestly, Nonbinary is what can go on a paper and what is legally applicable, so that's the 'umbrella' term, if you need one.

5: So what makes you a cboy then?

A: years of undeserved anguish, hating my body, not wanting breasts, wanting to give birth, my dick feeling out of place or straight up like a tumor on my life, relationships being hard to start and even harder to keep literally because of sex, crying after being made the top for sex, having to top at all, expectations beset by other's that I don't get a voice in, not getting a voice in general and not being in any spot of authority or passed by the same or opposite sex in both education and normal social life, oh and also every time I see a picture of a cboy I'm happy, not horny.

6: Why that term? Rather harsh

A: I agree. If there was a better term that was as equally descriptive I'd go for it. I don't think intersex male is quite applicable tho, nor does genderfluid work on a job app., Tho neither does cb. It started as a term in porn but people have taken it as their own, me included.

Again describe it in one word that isn't confusing (transfeminine for example, genderfaun for another) and get back to me when you figure it out.

7: Possibility A - you're crazy

A: That'd be cool if I was crazy actually, then I'd actually fucking feel normal. Like I had a normal problem. Like I was being treated like I should be in society. Sadly enough I've talked to multiple shrinks, other trans and nb people, other cboys, and pretty much everyone agrees my living situation was really fucked up, as we're the expectations beset upon me. Not always, and I'm not just spraying buckshot over my whole life, but there's some stuff we REALLY need to talk about.

I've actually made it my life mission for the last 10 plus years to find someone like me being interviewed. I have had the hardest time too because I beat myself up about it so often, unless I tripped over a podcast episode (like I actually did) I'd never find anything and just think I was schizophrenic or something. Hell for a while you had convinced me I was because of stuff you were doing and talking about, and like bloody usual, not letting go of or shutting up about for months.

Literally half the reason I moved in to where I am was to checksum myself. I am definitely not schizophrenic and absolutely have a panic and anxiety disorder.

Possibility B - ok I'll bite, who else is there?

A: here's the podcast that made me feel safe. We're not 100% similar, but a lot of what he is saying I get. And while he lives in cali, stuff your biases. He moved here from japan when he was 12 or something.

https://www.furwhatitsworth.com/?episode=s9-episode-3-nb-nb-nb

This is not the only podcast I've listened to, but it's the best perspective I've heard. And I can say for solid, to this day, I get exactly everything he is talking about. Every single thing.

8: Ok, so what about your name (should you be on board)

A: Thats hard for me. I know I came with Ari and then tried Faun, but Faun is more a nickname for me from somebody and I liked the sound. I still like the name a lot too. But my name is Aremis, it's been Aremis, I'm going to move on and stop thinking about that one so hard.

9: Why not keep your old name? I'm offended you don't have my father's name anymore.

A: ok good for you for inscribing your bullshit onto someone before they can even he a say, as usual.

My dead name literally hurts. I've tried to explain to you, you ignored me.

That's all you get. Deal with it.

10: I'm not sure I'm ok with this.

A: Neither am I but I'd be dead right now from jumping under a semi in traffic a few months back if I hadn't. This isn't a mistake, or anything you did to me. It's just how I am. Now I know why you want the new DSM so bad.

By the way, dsm backs me up. So if god is gunna have to say something because of your convictions, I'll walk.

Peace. I'm done pooping now, time to get off the toilet.