#but holy shit she's got pipes AND she's a storyteller

[moorishflower]

I get it. I get it now. I listened to Good Luck, Babe! and now I understand.

[rokutouxei]

family-friendly

genshin impact | T | 1967 childe/lumine | established relationship [ao3]

Childe and Lumine remember their first kiss very, very differently.

-

“We’ll go in the summer,” Childe had promised, and she had honestly believed that with all her heart. Remembered her adventures in the Golden Heart Archipelago with Klee and Jean and imagined all golden shores and blue skies and wide, open oceans. She was ready for that.

She was not ready for the bulky winter wear. She was not ready for the temperature that was like large hydro and cryo slimes all over her body, freezing her until there’s not much left to be frozen again.

(This is where she starts to doubt Childe’s rose-colored glasses.)

It is… quite the experience, to visit his home in Snezhnaya. There was no way she was declining the offer now that she was bound for the nation, and not with Childe giving her free pass into the country despite all the atrocities she’s done to Fatui agents across Teyvat. The least she could do was visit their little home, right? Say hello to his parents, his brothers and sisters, maybe stay for dinner, and then go to her hotel…right?

Wrong.

At this point, she is well aware of how Childe can be. Sweet and romantic when something in him softens, when that part of him that is always craving battle dissipates once his vulnerability sinks in. It’s a side of him anyone rarely sees, one she’s so proud of having the privilege to see on occasion. What slipped her mind is that the wall Childe sets up for the rest of the people in his life—other diplomats, other Fatui, other adventurers, the people he comes to just to have a fistfight with—is a wall he didn’t need to keep up with his family.

They arrive sometime past noon, after a long boat ride and a short trek up a mountain slope. The sky is an enthralling shade of blue. Quite like his eyes. It was snowing lightly—“it feels like it’s always snowing in Snezhnaya,” Childe had told her once—but it wasn’t the dreary kind of snow, rather the one that was a little exciting to watch. Childe knocked at the door and opened it with a yell, which she assumed was a greeting.

She mentally prepared herself for it, but she hadn’t expected Teucer, Anton, and Tonia to greet her with “sister!!” just as she walked through the premises.

Just how much had he told them in his letters?

(How much of her that they knew was the Lumine of Childe’s imagination, one that she would have to keep up with?)

She never peeked at the letters whenever he was busy writing them, never bothered because she felt like it would be an invasion of privacy, but now that she was here under the familiar sea-blue gaze of his entire family… she wondered if even just one look would have been alright.

Getting the approval of the younger siblings was an easy task; all she had to do was give them a few of the souvenirs she and Childe had brought over from their travels and promise to sit down and tell them of her adventures for them to give her the thumbs-up. The less impressionable ones, however, were Childe’s older sisters and brothers, who were polite and homely but a lot curter, as if trying to gauge if she were a good match with their younger brother. If the way his eldest sister had gifted Lumine her own set of Snezhnayan clothing even before dinner is any sign, perhaps she had at least passed their preliminary test.

But family time is very important in Snezhnayan culture, and dinner—well, dinner was an entirely different affair altogether.

-

“You’ve known each other for a long time, Ajax has been writing letters about you since.”

Liyue and Osial and Rex Lapis seem so far away now. “It took us a while to get along,” Lumine admits, side-eyeing Childe, “but once we found our footing with each other, it was enjoyable company.”

Childe’s eldest brother laughs. “Ajax. Enjoyable company.”

“You must be one hell of a woman to persist like that,” his other brother jokes.

“Well, that just means he made a good impression on her right away,” a sister muses.

“He got me out of a tough spot,” Lumine answers, remembering Yujing Terrace and the Rite of Descension. “I owed him one for that.”

“Isn’t that sweet!” his mother coos. “Ajax has changed, to be so sweet from the start.”

“Sweet? It was more of Sexual tension and”—Lumine yells, trying to cover him up: “Hey?! There are kids!”—"aggression from the start.”

“Oh, honey, don’t mind him,” Childe’s mother says, chuckling softly. “His siblings are used to him being straightforward like that.”

“I’m not…” Lumine murmurs, slinking back into her seat, causing the entire table to roll with laughter.

Dinner lasts for what seems like hours, and Lumine sits there shyly poking at her food as questions get pelted at her and Chllde about their relationship. The question of marriage is inescapable too, and she and Childe share a glance at each other for the briefest of moments before answering “it’ll come when it’ll come.”

But while it is easy to shrug off the adults’ more serious questions like that, it is the children’s concerns that are harder to ignore. So when Teucer asks—“How did your first kiss go?”

—Childe instantly pipes up and goes: “Oh, let me tell this one, babe. We were at Liyue Harbor together—"

It only takes Childe a few sentences before Lumine screeches, “No no no no please stop!!”, covering his mouth with her hands.

The whole family just laughs.

-

It is only until after dinner, when Lumine is sure that most of her face had already melted off of her skull, when she gets to pull Childe aside while in their (shared!) bedroom and ask: “No, seriously, Ajax. How do you remember our first kiss?”

“Was my storytelling over at dinner not enough, my принцесса? Would you rather I give you a reenactment?”

She blushes fiercely at being called a princess, but she tries her best to ignore it. “What? No, all I’m asking is—”

Childe does not pay attention and holds her in position, pushing her backward until she’s sat on the bed and he’s standing in front of her, towering (and admittedly a little… delicious, now that he’s dressed down and fresh from the shower.) “We’d come from a fight—the best thing to do with you. Or second best thing,” Childe muses, but then shakes his head back into focus. He holds Lumine’s chin with his index finger and thumb and forces her to look up. “I beat you that time.”

She narrows her eyes, staring back at him defiantly. “Only because I was handicapped.”

“Sure, my love. Luck on my part.” Childe grins. “I was trying to get you to stop sulking.”

“‘Warriors must learn to take part in losses,’” Lumine quotes him, and he nods.

He comes closer to her, carefully switching so that his palm is cupping her cheek instead, wiping an imaginary tear or bruise on her cheek. “You were so strong, but I’d tired you out more than usual. You were slumped in your seat, so I went to try and get you to rest, and you closed your eyes and leaned your head on my hand—” Childe smiles, a genuine one, small and sweet it gets Lumine’s heart racing. “I couldn’t help it, you know? I didn’t know what to tell you—how to tell you, so when you opened your eyes, I decided—fuck, I’m going to kiss her right here.”

Childe leans forward and presses a kiss on her lips.

“And I thought, ‘she’s going to hate me after this,’ but you didn’t, and instead you put your hands on your shoulders and then my hair, and you kissed me back,” he sighs. “You should really be cute more often, my sweet. You were so needy. Like this, let me show you—”

And just as Childe is about to press his lips on hers again, she places the palm of her hand against his mouth and pushes him roughly away.

“That is not what happened.”

Lumine is sure and inconvincible.

“What?”

There’s a moment of silence between the both of them that seems to extend for miles.

Childe blinks, his mind finally settling back into place. “That is what happened. What do you mean? Did you forget how our first kiss went?”

“Did you forget how our first kiss went? That was not how it went.”

Irritation clouds Childe’s visage for a brief moment. “Okay, how did it go then?”

Lumine clears her throat. Childe gets off his knees and back to his feet, settling into position. Lumine takes his hand in hers to put it into place—

And squeezes her cheeks with it twice. Childe goes lax. Lumine holds it in place, just open enough so she can talk.

“You were teasing me. We did come from a fight, and I did lose. And you thought I was being a sore loser about it, but the only true part was that I was sore. And tired.” She squeezes her cheeks with his hand another time. “‘Aww, defeat getting in your head?”’ she says, mimicking his intonation. ‘Warriors must learn to take part in losses, you know?’”

Childe tries to pull away. “I did not—”

“You did,” she insists, holding him in place. “You wouldn’t even let me catch my breath. Do you remember what I did?” He shakes his head. “I bit you,” she answered for him, gently digging her teeth into the flesh between his thumb and index finger. “You yelped and pulled your hand back. Do you remember now?”

He blinks, the memory of it slowly coming back. “Oh no.”

Lumine snickers. “Yes, oh no, Ajax.” She takes him by the wrist and pulls him closer to her, back to his knees. “‘Feisty little girlie,’” she says, in his voice, mockingly. “I growled at you. You chuckled, you bastard. And then you pulled me by the chin and kissed me.”

She presses a kiss over his lips, shaking a little from holding back laughter.

And, with her mouth still on his, she continues—“And I bit you—”

She digs her teeth on his lower lip before pulling away.

“And that excited you because of course it did, and then we—”

“Made out on the mountainside overlooking Liyue Harbor. Holy shit,” Childe finishes, face pale. When he collapses onto the bed next to her, Lumine doesn’t even try to stop the full-blown laugh coming out of her.

“I can’t believe you made it into some sweet romantic memory!” she teases him. “That’s your taste, huh?”

“I swear, that is how I remember that moment!”

“Well you remember it wrong,” Lumine notes, grinning. “Since when have we been gentle kisses, Ajax? You said it yourself—it’s all sexual tension and aggression.”

“I can be romantic sometimes.”

“Sometimes. Not that time.”

When Childe sinks further down the mattress, she presses a kiss on her forehead and looks down at him with soft eyes. “But if that’s how you want to remember it, we can always make that how it goes.”

And when he smirks, for the briefest of moments she thinks she sees his eyes light up in a way she’s always wanted to see. “Really?”

“Really, you dummy,” is all she gets to say before Childe takes her lips with his, a slow, decadent kiss of gratitude. All sweet things, but Lumine knows better to believe that’s going to last any more than a minute, his hot breath already against her neck.

And she thinks, chuckling: maybe it’s better like this. At least they’ll have a version of their first kiss that’s the tiniest bit more family-friendly.

[tobswrites]

Shut Up, I’m not Scared!

Hey! I just finished, a certain part of School Briefs, (pretty sure it was Chapter 13 in the way the site I use is formatted) and turns out, Bakugou hates scary stories, or so it’s implied, so I wrote this real quick! 

“She dropped me off just at the end of the street,” Mina continues with her storytelling, or for that matter, an actual ghost story that has been following her for years now.

Usually Bakugou wouldn’t be one to join shit like this, he won’t admit to himself, any less his friends, but fucking stories like this, scary ones, horror and ghost a like just didn’t suit well with him. They always gave him an unwanted thrill, a fear that prickled him.

But he stayed goddammit, first it was for that shitty red head, who begged for Bakugou to come join the rest of the ‘Bakusquad’ in the lounge area, using those famous puppy eyes of his, like what the fuck. At times those eyes of his reminded him of a Shiba Inu, a little dog with little eyebrows just like Kirishima’s own.

Kirishiba, he huffs, laughing at his own pun.

That’s beside the point, Kirishima had stuck to his side for the beginning of the night before he scooted closer to Mina to hear her story better, so there was no real reason for him to stay since his only incentive had left him.

Though if he walked out now, he would probably be called a sacredly-cat for leaving in the middle of Mina’s stupid story. Sure, he could always act cold, brush it off, but he was sure that Kaminari would mention it, and fuck that idiot knew his weakness, he’ll tease him and try to do that reverse psychology shit.

“As I passed the first house, the darkness seemed to get thicker, heavier even, it felt like I could climb on top of it, walk on it.”

He had no real reason to be afraid, a lot of the shit they were spewing was load of bullshit, exaggerated to make the story more enticing.

They pull all the tricker, using the fact they’re all going to die one day, darkness, even fucking shit like bugs are enough to pull anyone to fear and anxiety. They use the darkness, something that relates the brain to rest and sleep, relaxation, using your comfort against you. Throwing you into the unimageable in pure darkness when you’re greatest sense is gone, sight.

“And I could feel like someone was walking behind me as soon as I passed the second home, I did the trick with the makeup mirror, opening it up and looking at the reflection behind me. And there was no one, not a single person, but as soon as I was about to close the mirror, I swear on my life a black shadow moved.”

“It was just your fucking shadow.” Bakugou comments, stiff in his words as he was tensed.

Mina shakes her head rapidly, “Na-uh, I swear, there was no lamp post or anything, but I swore there was this like, black mass or something.”

“Someone was pulling a fucking prank on you with their quirk.” He says next, trying to calm his own nerves.

“What a shitty person.” Jirou says, calmly as she twirls one of her earlobe jacks.

“Guys!” Mina pouts, crossing her arms, “Let me finish!”

Bakugou groans, but waves his hand nonetheless, letting her finish as he falls back on to the sofa, looking at Kirishima who looked completely entranced with this sort of shit.

“Anyways!” Mina quickly says before anyone else has anything else to say. “I was almost home, I could see my neighbor’s house, so I started to walk faster, taking larger steps and all, I was practically running.”

She fastens her speech, like she was losing her audience and wanted to get the story to end, which thank fucking god.

“And as soon as I got to my doorstep, key out and all, I felt safe, I made it, I remember thinking but as soon as I entered the key into it’s whole, I felt my entire body freeze up, chills on my spine, and for a second I swore I could feel a hot puff of air on the top of my head.” Mina gives the audience an example, puffing once before continuing on.

“I shrieked and swung a fist, uppercut style,” she says proudly, but soon slumps her shoulders, “but there was no one.”

“Please tell you had it all video tapped.”

“Yeah! Security camera’s bitch!” Mina snapped her fingers, “it even records a separate video using infrared! You know, for those invisible using quirks? Well guess what? There was absolutely nothing caught! No body, no heat signature! No nothing!”

“Not even the puff of air on your head?” Kirishima as, flattening down a hand on the newly washed hair.

But Mina shakes her head, “None, I thought for sure I would catch something…but holy shit I thought I was gonna die, because the next thing I knew, I felt…” she shrugs her shoulders, “I don’t know, I felt free, the darkness didn’t look to dark anymore either, and that feeling of being watched? It was gone.”

“It was your brain cell kicking in.” Bakugou jokes, which Mina simply glares as Kaminari and Sero were the only one’s snickering.

“Sorry about that, I was sure it was my day to use it.” Sero joins in, causing Bakugou to even snicker.

“Okay, okay my turn!” Kaminari stands up, shooing Mina from her original seat.

“What? Go tell it from there!” She points from where Kaminari came from, but the blond wasn’t having it, pushing Mina causing her to fall to the side.

“My turn.” He says, plopping himself down while Mina whined about being injured, Kirishima gave her a smile of reassurance before the girl decided to take a seat next to Bakugou and away from the other idiots.

“Kaminari this better not be I thought I was home a lone but guess my mom was there story.” Jirou leans back, arms behind her as she smiles at the blond who only pretends to laugh at Jirou’s joke.

“Very funny, but no, okay, get this guys, I was visiting my gramps on the country side,”

“Oh hell no.” Mina says, shaking her head and throwing her arms cross one another several times.

“What?” Bakugou glances at her, confused.

“That’s where all that real shit is, tell him Kirishima, tell him that’s where the real shit is at.”

“That’s where the real shit is at.” Kirishima confirms, nodding his head in affirmation at Bakugou, and soon after smiling at the blond with a quick wink.

“Well, then buckle up Mina, because you know this shit is about to be even more real.” Kaminari says, looking stupidly serious.

Bakugou then tenses, already feeling the fear from the hype the two were giving it. Fucking shittt.

It was during the summer, so the nights weren’t as cold as they usually were. Crickets and frogs could be heard left and right, yet not one in sight to be seen.

He was a kid, he explains that it was late, but his mother, auntie and cousin had stayed up to talk, play and keep them entertained since they, the kids, were having a hard time sleeping.

“Then out of nowhere, I got hungry,” he laughs, patting his stomach, “And I begged my mom over and over to take me to the kitchen to get some food, since we lived in those separated room homes? Where the bedroom was it’s own building…”

“Like fucking courtyards? Open air yards?” Bakugou comments, not realizing that he’s speaking more often than usual.

“Yeah!” Kaminari smiles in graditide, “Well anyways, my mom told me to shut it but my auntie felt bad for me, and told me she’ll take me. So she picks me up.”

“Wait hold are you?” Sero stops him, creating a curious crowd.

“I was like, uh, probably seven? Six?”

“This could have been a dream!” Mina groans in annoyance, “are you sure this is real?”

“Yes! Yes it’s real!” Kaminari says, irritated now, “guys come on! I didn’t interrupt you Mina!”

Mina hums, asking for forgiveness and as soon as Kaminari accepts, he continues on.

“She was holding on to me, and as soon as we walk into the pathway to the kitchen there was this little thing by one of the walls. Just standing there, looking at us. It had a little ball on his hands, I’m pretty sure it was a football my cousin and I were kicking around earlier that day!”

The creature was hunched, or so says Kaminari, looked at both him and his aunt with a looking spooked like it didn’t expect either of them to come out so late. Before Kaminari could even figure out what he was looking at, his auntie had grabbed a baseball bat, another toy the kids had left around and started swinging it, yelling out words Kaminari couldn’t understand.

The creature then straighten it’s back, looking even more shocked than before, but the ball was still in their hands, holding it tightly, just a moment away from popping from it’s sharp claws.

Kaminari’s badass aunt had started marching towards it, Kaminari’s young brain still not yet comprehending what he was seeing, or even understanding why his aunt was so scared as she started swinging harder and faster.

It seemed like the creature finally got the hint his aunt was gonna beat his ass, as it turned around and started the attempt of climbing what Kamanari said was a concrete wall. The ball was now passed in one of his hands, trying to climb with it, but when it realized it couldn’t he had to let the ball go.

It climbed to the very top, turning back around on it’s fours to look at the two before jumping to the other side.

“After that, I got my snack and we made it back inside no problem, turns out my mom had her own adventures too! Said they found a nasty looking spider, like good thing I wasn’t there! I would’ve passed out!”

“Wait,” Bakugou backtracks, not at all noticing he was holding in a breath before talking, “what the fuck was the thing?”

Kaminari took a second to think before shrugging his shoulders, like it didn’t matter. “I dunno.”

“Dude!” Kirishima pipes up, “how could you be so chill? That’s creepy!”

“Hey man, it was years ago, and I haven’t seen or experienced any weird shit since then!”

“It could have been a hyosube.” Jirou had her phone out, the only light source causing her face to be luminated. “You could be cursed for life buddy.”

Kaminari playfully plays her off, “Come on Jirou, don’t say that.”

“Fucking stupid is what this is, I’m going to sleep.” Two scary stories were enough right? He doesn’t need this shit, and he’s sure if he hears another one of those fucking stories, he wouldn’t be getting any sleep tonight.

Kirishima nods in affirmation, “Yeah guys, Imma call it a night too!” he hops up from his seat and trails behind Bakugou.

The remaining four watch the two go, and as soon as they walk into the elevator close, Mina quickly whips her head back to the other three.

“Tots saw how Bakugou was hella tensed right?”

Jirou hums in confirmation, “Dude wouldn’t stop talking, he was totally nervous.”

“Come on guys leave him alone, the dude can’t be all perfect.”

[minaminokyoko]

A Love Letter to ‘Knives Out’

Disclaimer: This isn’t even a review. This is literally just me freaking out about what a great movie I just bloody watched and I just need to vomit words everywhere about it. Sorry in advance.

I think the best thing ever is I went into this with zero information. I remember seeing the original trailer months ago, but it wasn’t detailed. Just the short one of the premise, and to be honest, I’m not really into Whodunits. Clue is one of the exceptions and Castle is the only detective-related thing I’ve ever liked and followed religiously (up until the final godawful two seasons), so I have no predisposition to even care about murder mysteries. But then Rian Johnson dangled the juicy carrot of Chris Evans playing against type (because we all know the man is a sweetie and I can personally vouch that he’s great at hugs) and so I decided to add it to my watchlist. Then the reviews came pouring in that it was great, which surprised me, and so I decided to take a leap of faith to see if the hype was real.

Oh God, was it ever.

Y’all know me by now. I’m a hard, cynical old bitch. It’s tough to impress me, but fucking hell, I really loved Knives Out.

It’s not that it does anything new; it’s that it is a fresh, creative spin on tropes we’re used to and it’s also the strong performances that just make it a delightful film. It’s kooky and dark and offbeat. It’s charming. It’s wonderfully political. It’s irreverent. This is the niche kind of writing that I adore. It’s why I’ve loved shows like Frasier or movies like Snatch. I love the interwoven mess between the plot and the characters and everything coming to light in a big explosion.

Spoilers down below for my talking points, naturally.

I want to start with Marta, simply because I love how this movie framed the character as innocent, but not stupid, useless, or weak. I love that she had a great relationship with Harlan. I love that Harlan didn’t have any evil ulterior motives. It was simply a man who looked around and realized that he thought he was providing for his family but all he really was doing was supporting selfish, downright cruel people. That family basically just siphoned off of him and had the entitlement complex that is currently killing this country right this fucking second. It was very satisfying when he left them nothing and gave Marta the money and the choice of what to do. The final shot of the movie is genius.

Which segways into probably my second favorite thing about the movie: the commentary about the entitled upperclass versus the working class immigrant. The whole Trump debate during the party made me groan because we all just wrapped up three holidays, so I know that people were having to go home for the holidays and listen to the broken-ass logic of their Trump supporter relatives. Especially since they dragged Marta into the bullshit conversation. I LOVE the writing of having this girl who busted her ass, who listened, who was a genuinely good person, still being able to be a good person in the end after one hell of an ordeal. I loved how the movie poked all kinds of holes in the fake narrative of inheritance and immigration and patriotism. Fuck that. This country isn’t some holy land. This country was stolen from the people who were born here and then they built a fake fucking pedestal on top of the mass graves and proclaimed it theirs. Fuck that revision history and fuck the people who believe these lies. This movie is so satisfying because it’s a giant middle finger to those people and it’s a reminder that the future is these hardworking, kind people who care about society and they are the ones who have earned all the good things this country has to offer.

I also love the examples of bigotry and microaggressions that were more subtle. The WASPs in this movie don’t even realize the backhanded compliments and the truly insulting shit that they do since they’re so entitled. For example, Richard handing Marta his plate while he was arguing for Trump. That’s brilliantly done. He thinks of her as a servant while he pretends she’s on equal footing: saying one thing and yet his actions prove the opposite. There’s also Meg’s comment of “we’re his REAL family,” showing that those bastards all will smile and welcome you until the second you cease to be useful to them and then they show you just how truly ugly they are beneath those “civil” masks. When the will was read, it was the exact shitshow we all knew it would be. That was a great representation of the upper class. It’s not about being loud and racist; it’s all those subtle, hideous things they do to suppress people of color and the working class so they can stay on top where they think they belong. This narrative is powerfully woven in that regard and I really needed to hear this story in today’s climate, especially since we just started 2020 today, which could be the end of everything all over again. I applaud the writing. As a woman of color, I see this kind of shit every single day, especially now that I work in higher education, so I really hope it opens more eyes to the shit that not only immigrants but working class POC deal with on a daily basis. I likened it to Zootopia, where you came to the movie for one reason but then you were served an absolutely piping hot side dish alongside the entrée. Well done, Knives Out. Well done.

I need to give a nod to this powerhouse cast as well. I forgot Michael Shannon was in this movie so seeing him made me giddy, as I’ve always liked him since he’s so damn sinister. He’s a great antagonist actor and I almost wish he’d been given more to do. Jamie Lee Curtis did great as well.

But y’all know what’s coming. I mean, look at my profile picture. You know I have to stop and talk about my future husband’s performance.

Chris Evans as a villain.

Not only that, but Chris Evans as a GREAT villain.

Oh, God, pass me the cigarette.

We all knew from his work in the MCU that the man can act his fine America’s ass off, but boy, did I really like his role here. I compare it to Chris Hemsworth in the godawful movie Bad Times at the El Royale, because while that is one of the worst movies of the decade, it was extremely smart in casting Hemsworth in the villain role. Why? Because it sold the believable factor. Chris Hemsworth is so handsome and charismatic that he COULD in fact be a creepy ass cult leader. You take one look at that man’s chest and tell me you wouldn’t fight a smelly hippie to jump in his bed. Damn right I’d be in a Chris Hemsworth cult. Point being, Chris Evans as the handsome but cruel Hugh was phenomenal. I really enjoyed seeing everything unfold. He did such a great job. It’s all the more satisfying knowing that in real life, he’s the cutest, sweetest goofball on earth. I’m so delighted he took this role because he knocked it out of the park.

Which brings me to my next point.

I’m gonna be a basic fangirl bitch for a second here. Just hear me out.

I’d LOVE an alternate ending to this movie where Hugh didn’t do it.

I know, I know. That’s super basic and dumb and I know part of it is because I just wanted to like Hugh anyway, but it actually would be a great piece of storytelling if you changed the ending.

In this premise, Marta really did mix up the bottles and accidentally killed Harlan. Well, what I would change is that Hugh really did have a benevolent epiphany and he decides to come back to stick it to his shitass family and he figures out what Marta did and decides to help her so she’ll slip him his cut. Then the rest of the film is Hugh and Marta trying to cover the rest of their tracks so that Blanc doesn’t piece together Marta’s accidental crime. Over the course of helping her, Hugh gets to know her and they become friends, so by the time they pull it all off—mind you, I’m ambiguous in this AU, I’d be fine if the detective works it out but lets them cover it up or if they actually manage to just destroy all the evidence so he can’t convict her and he admits defeat—he’s now invested and doesn’t accept the money when she goes to pay him. Bonus points if he falls in love with her during the cover up. It’s not necessary, but I saw a couple little sparks, so I think it would be very cute if Hugh and Marta hooked up to protect each other from the horrible family and build their own empire together. But that’s me.

Trust me, this movie is brilliant as written. It doesn’t need that alternate ending. But I have to admit it got my mind churning about what a fantastic character arc it could be if Hugh hadn’t been the bad guy and he and Marta learned things about each other and formed a friendship. I’m a writer, it’s kind of a hobby, sorry. I hope I’m not the only one who thought that, but we’ll see.

I’m so glad I started 2020 with this film. It’s a rare gem. I can’t wait for it to get on DVD, because I am gonna snag it asap and watch it again. What a romp. It’s also gratifying in a petty way that J.J. Abrams went out of his way to undo Rian Johnson’s work in the Star Wars franchise and it’s backfiring majorly critically speaking meanwhile Knives Out is getting bomb ass good reviews, so good for you, Rian. Your revenge is at hand. #TEAMPETTY

I can’t recommend this hard enough. If you love murder mysteries or if you just love Clue-style quirky black comedy, please see Knives Out. It’s worth every red dime, to quote the movie.

Kyo out.

[ruskapi]

Sangwoo, Sex, and Sadism

Please note: This meta heavily references the theory I put forth in this other meta I wrote about Sangwoo (x). If you have not yet read it, I strongly recommend doing so before continuing, because a lot of my thoughts on what’s going on with Sangwoo here are built on that theory.

You know, I’m gonna be honest. I always just assumed one of the main reasons Sangwoo kept his victims alive for a while was because, in addition to torturing them, he was using them sexually. This is kind of a gold standard for the horror genera as well as R-18 BL stories that deal with control dynamics, and let’s face it: Sangwoo enjoys hurting people. It’s not a far leap to make. However, when I started to really look at things…believe it or not, it got harder and harder for me to build a case.

Let’s consider the first couple of scenes that set up our expectations for Sangwoo as a killer and a character:

The first thing we’re exposed to, regarding Sangwoo as a Serial Killer, is the woman Bum finds in his basement. She’s bound and gagged and broken legged, but she’s definitely wearing underwear. We know this is not because Koogi is shy about drawing nudity, and it’s sure as hell not because Sangwoo thinks his victims deserve dignity. As far as Sangwoo is concerned, she’s never going to see the light of day again, so if he’s using her in that way, why not just leave her fully undressed?

(That’s a no on dignity.) 

Koogi’s pretty great when it comes to storytelling and showing us relevant details, like Sangwoo’s dashcam recording, or the fact that everyone who goes into the upstairs bedroom looks at that one section of the wall with concern.

In this scene she shows us the victim’s rope burns, a red-stained water pipe handle, and an open tool box containing dangerous objects and restraining tape, yet we really don’t see any evidence of Sangwoo having raped the woman. There’s no bruising or blood on her inner thighs, there’re no condoms or torn wrappers anywhere (and we know Sangwoo cares), and here’s the kicker: the opening of chapter three shows a series of images that lead the reader to believe Sangwoo is raping Bum…and then, low and behold, he isn’t.

Although Bum lives in constant fear of Sangwoo’s physical and emotional violence, I can’t remember a single time when he threatened Bum with sexual violence. In fact, the one time Bum offers him sex when he’s angry, rather than taking him up on it and incorporating sex into his punishment, he punches Bum in the face and acts insulted.

That is not the behavior of someone who’s into punishing his victims sexually. In fact, he seems almost disgusted that Bum would suggest blurring the two activities.

Initially, I thought Sangwoo got off on causing pain primarily because of two scenes: the one where he jerks off on Bum’s feet while he’s choking him, and the one when he’s thinking about killing Bum while choking the telephone poll, and gets a hard on. Add in the fact that his idea of consent is pretty dubious, and that he’s not exactly gentle when he fucks Bum—with the dildo or his dick—and it’s easy to simply apply the label of ‘sadist’ and move on. However, when I looked closer, all these cases had alternate explanations that actually made more sense given his character.

Though he doesn’t look like it on the surface due to his intense overcompensation, Sangwoo is actually very needy for praise and approval.

In the scene in which Sangwoo is punishing Bum for trying to run away, he’s angry and in full-on killer mode when he hangs Bum. Although at first he’s all, “A lot of things are gonna happen where you’re lying down,” while stripping, again Koogi is just messing with us. He immediately clarifies his intent: “In case you’re wondering, I took my clothes off because they’re wet,” a.k.a. “not because you and I are about to have sexy times.”

He doesn’t have a hard on in any of the shots of his pants until Bum is in the air. In fact, as previously mentioned, he just gets angrier when Bum offers him sex. While he’s clearly enjoying the power high of punishing him, there’s actually no evidence that he’s getting off sexually until Bum starts calling his name over and over.

Observe his scowl in the last panel. Sangwoo actually looks irritated that he has to switch gears. If he enjoyed pairing sex with violence, he’d expect to get hard—not seem surprised and inconvenienced by it. He’d also probably attempt to amp up Bum’s pain level the closer he got to climax, where he actually seems compelled to dissipate it. He hurriedly lifts Bum to kneel on his chest, so as to take the pressure off his throat until he’s finished.

Honestly, I think what we’re seeing here is that…though he clearly enjoys having power over Bum, that’s not what he’s getting off on. What turns him on is actually Bum’s appeal to him as a human being. 

Compare it against the scene before it, where Bum treated him like the psycho he is, and Sangwoo got increasingly agitated:

Remember, there’s a reason why Stockholm Syndrome is a thing—it occurs when victims are forced to empathize with their captors in order to survive. And the reason it happens is because it does, in fact, up a victim’s chances of survival. This is because bad people don’t usually see themselves as bad—they see themselves as victims, forced to do “bad” things in order to survive, or to obtain justice for perceived mistreatment, or whatever their rationales are.

Like Sangwoo says:

While Sangwoo might have been angry at Bum for trying to run, he couldn’t change the fact that what he wants, more than anything else, is to be seen for who he is rather than the violent things he does. He’s desperate to be seen as a better person than he is (as someone who isn’t “like his father”), so when Bum begs Sangwoo for mercy by name, Sangwoo’s need for validation temporarily overrides his desire for vengeance.

I can only speculate, but I think Sangwoo’s response might have been something like, ‘He doesn’t view me as a psycho --> he likes me even more than my mom did --> holy shit that’s hot.’ Because it looks like even he’s caught off guard by the intensity of it.

Despite having almost zero self control, and always being at the mercy of his uncontrollable rage, I think a small part of him is aware enough to understand assault and love aren’t supposed to go together. And eeevery once in a while, he manages to keep his head above water long enough to make a rational decision.

Although he follows up by drowning and cutting Bum, he doesn’t kill him—which is a step forward from all his previous victims.

This statement reinforces that: he knows he’s dangerously close to killing Bum, but that he’ll regret it if he does--unlike with any of his previous victims (aside from his mother), whom he exhibits absolutely no remorse for. 

I think that, rather than evidence of Sangwoo being a sadist, this scene tells us just how desperate he is for someone to emotionally validate him.

If you consider that Sangwoo might be looking for someone who won’t “betray him” like his mother did, each victim was probably an attempt to find someone who would love all of him, including the insane parts. Except they all resulted in failure until Bum, which is why he looked so astonished when he kept calling to him.

Moreover, I think this exchange is actually the one that ultimately differentiates Bum from all his previous victims, as the one capable of “loving” him despite knowing he’s a killer. And this is important because, I’m pretty sure, this is why Sangwoo started killing people in the first place. 

Note that even after he started keeping Bum, Sangwoo continued sharking for victims prior to this event. In chapter 5, as soon as Bum was out of the basement someone else took his place:

And in chapter 8, Sangwoo was seeing yet another woman:

However, Koogi never showed him killing her. 

After this event with Bum, with the exception of the victims Sangwoo brings in as part of his plan to entrap Bum, there’s no evidence that he continued killing. I think this is probably because the need that was driving his psychosis was finally met.

I think the same dynamic is also in play when he gets hard while punching the telephone poll:

If we look at the sequence of pictures in chapter 13, though he’s yelling about killing Bum, he’s thinking of the times Bum’s been sexually sweet and vulnerable with him—the times Sangwoo considers as “proof” that Bum loves him.

This scene is hard to pull apart because it throws a lot of information about Sangwoo’s state of mind at us, all at once. But ultimately, it shows us that he’s terrified Bum escaping--not because he could go to the police (because that’s never mentioned or even referenced), but because it would mean that Bum had lied about loving him. 

And if Bum had lied about that, it would confirm that Bum viewed him as a violent monster (someone like his father), rather than someone genuinely lovable—which is exactly what his mother thought, hence that flash of her.

In his mind, she’s laughing at him from beyond the grave because she’s been proven right.

I don’t think he’s getting hard because he’s thinking of his mother here. If anything, he’s getting increasingly frightened and enraged at the prospect of her being right. That’s why he impulsively punches the pole—because he’s trying to stop her from laughing at him.

I’m pretty sure the thing that made him hard was, once again, Bum’s having been vulnerable with him.

How can we tell? Because of the choice of images: rather than Bum sliced open or nearly choking to death, Sangwoo’s remembering Bum saying he wants to be with him, and cooing his name while blowing him.

Rather than fantasizing about what Bum’s gonna look like when he strangles him, he’s angrily reviewing the evidence he thought proved Bum loved him. And the reason he starts laughing and makes such a weird expression is probably because even though he’s absolutely furious, he’s still turned on just thinking of the little fucker.

(Love is such an inconvenience.)

I think this is why, when he finds Bum sitting on the kitchen floor, he’s so relieved that he can’t even be angry at him for having scared him in the first place (which is what I expected honestly, since dealing with emotional discomfort is not Sangwoo’s strong suit). It’s why the beast of a man wraps his arms and legs around Bum and tells him, “Let’s stay together forever,” while shaking like a leaf.

Rather than him getting off on the idea of hurting Bum, or choking his mom or something weird, I think what we’re actually seeing here is the extent to which Sangwoo has fallen for Bum—hard enough that what little sanity he’s got now hinges on Bum staying with him.

This is a dangerously double-edged sword for Bum because on one hand it greatly reduces his chances of being killed, but on the other, Sangwoo will never let him leave.

Anyway.

Returning to the subject, as for his rough treatment of Bum when he’s using the dildo and fucking him on the porch I think, weak as it sounds, rather than any particular desire to hurt Bum, it comes down to Sangwoo not having any idea that anal sex needs to be handled differently from vaginal sex.

Judging from his passiveness, and the surprise on his face after coming in his initial encounter with Bum, as well as his confusion about Bum’s having to get dressed laying down, Sangwoo probably doesn’t have any prior experience of having sex with men.

Additionally, if we look at the hallmark symptoms of Antisocial Personality Disorder (x), it makes sense that Sangwoo wouldn’t have considered that he was hurting Bum while fucking him. 

Though it’s never explicitly stated that he has APD, it’s pretty clear that Koogi writes him with these traits in mind because he exhibits every one of them at some point in the series. Accordingly, Sangwoo would not excel at predicting the painful consequences of his poor sexual treatment of Bum, nor would he excel at learning from them.

If you look at the scene leading up to it, it seems like the thing with the dildo was a weird, misguided way of trying to cheer Bum up. It’s the exact same thing he does later in the bath, after Bum slices his wrist open. “I can tell you’re upset and I want to make you feel better --> sex feels good --> sex will fix it.”

I think he really wants to make Bum happy, he just has no idea how to do so. It’s not like his parents gave him many emotional tools to work with in this area.

As a general overview, if we do a quick run-down of situations where Sangwoo’s behaving violently, there are very few instances where he seems to be enjoying it sexually:

He frequently beats the crap out of Bum at the start of the story, but there’s no evidence that he’s getting off on it. He snuggles with Bum after he uses him to stab the old guy, but he doesn’t have sex with him to our knowledge. Though he assaults Bum with the dildo after he kills Jieun, there’s no evidence that Sangwoo was turned on during the killing—in fact, he loses his erection as soon as she kicks him in the stomach. He definitely doesn’t get off after drowning Bum in the bath. And though he slaps Bum when they get back from the police station, he straight up tells Bum that he’s fucking him as a token of appreciation for his loyalty.

Again, in that situation, you see his arousal linked with Bum’s prioritizing his relationship with Person!Sangwoo over Killer!Sangwoo (this idea of there being two Sangwoos is highlighted by Bum’s line about him living with twins with completely different personalities). And although he’s definitely too rough, the fact is…the dudes a beast. He can one-handedly bench press the combined weight of Seungbae and himself. If he wanted to damage Bum, he could do much more than he does. Always.

Likewise, if you come at it from the other side and look for evidence of Sangwoo craving violence when already aroused, most of the time he’s actually downright uncharacteristic in his avoidance of it. When Bum first jerks him off, he’s passive and quiet throughout the whole experience, then ends making this expression:

The first time Bum sucks him off and isn’t very good at it, Sangwoo teaches him not by mocking or forcing him to do something uncomfortable, but by fuckin’ fellating Bum’s fingers. Then, the thing that pushes him over the edge is Bum saying his fucking name in an informal register. Seriously, if Sangwoo is a sexual sadist, this was a very embarrassing night for him.

When Bum’s blowing him in the bathroom after the concert, it would’ve been super easy for him to face fuck Bum until he finished. That would’ve have been awful for Bum, and a ton of fun for a sadist—but it’s like it didn’t even occur to him. He used a tissue, like some kind of fuckin’ gentleman. And I already mentioned above that he lost his erection when Jieun started fighting to leave.

In fact, the only time he ever seems to get off while Bum is in pain is at the end of chapter 35 where, I’m pretty sure, he was getting off anyway and Bum’s pain was just coincidental to his piss poor handling.

Now, you could definitely make a case for him enjoying the sexual degradation of his partners/victims, particularly emotionally. But he seems to draw the line at physically hurting them, for whatever reason.

So, this just leaves us with the inherent sadism involved in rape...

...except Sangwoo doesn’t think of himself as a rapist.

To us as readers, it’s never really up for debate. He makes this statement while continuing to assault Bum, despite being repeatedly asked to stop, which is the literal definition of rape. But this is by design. Koogi is using the dissonance between Sangwoo’s words and actions to make it clear just how un-self-aware Sangwoo really is, and how little we can trust his ability to make sound moral judgments or take care of his loved ones.

Going by his rape qualifier, “listening to a guy scream,” my guess is that his idea of rape is the exact thing he’s always avoiding—mixing sex with violence. Of course, he’s still a rapist even if you go by that standard, because he never stops to consider how his rough handling hurts his partners. But I think he figures so long as he’s not raging on them, it’s not the same. It’s a kind of, “I know how to hurt people and I’m not doing that to you, therefore I’m not hurting you and you’re overracting,” kind of logic. Idk, he’s not exactly a rational dude.

He also seems to rationalize not being a rapist with the mindset that, once he’s got consent up front, he’s got a permanent all-access pass to the person’s body.

This is not a view held by Koogi (we know because she uses imagery and subtext to highlight how much he hurts his partners by doing this), but by Sangwoo himself.

Bum showed interest in the past and therefore Sangwoo feels entitled to do whatever he wants forever, and my assumption is he would treat his female victims this same way. 

In the two instances we see of him seducing women, they seem pretty into it. It’s likely that things were indeed consensual, at least initially.

Whether or not he continues to fuck them after he’s kidnapped them is not known to us, but based on the evidence we’ve seen to date, it seems unlikely.

If he were to do so, he’d likely mock them with something along the lines of, “You said you wanted me, why are you resisting now?” just as he did with Bum, then he would use their change of heart as more evidence that women are liars who deserve to be punished (see the other meta for more detail). However, as I said, we can only speculate on that.

But, all this said…can we really call Sangwoo a sexual sadist? The kind of person who would torture or kill his victims while fucking them?

My feeling is, not really.

Going on what we know from the series to date, there’s no clear evidence that he gets off sexually on the pain he inflicts, or that he’s ever attempted to hurt his victims while having sex with them. Because Sangwoo is not known for his ability to control himself, if he had any desire to mix the two, I’m sure we’d have seen him do so by now. 

My conclusion is that while he clearly feels emotionally fulfilled, exhilarated, even intoxicated by punishing others...he doesn’t actually get sexually aroused by it. 

Lucky you, right Bum?

[empty-dream]

Me watching Fate/Apocrypha ep 15

Wow that’s how the fortress look like in bright day. It’s magnificent.

Meanwhile in Red household, Shirou and Semiramis have to face the rebellious phase of their adopted children Achilles, Karna and Atalanta. While useless uncle Shakespeare is nowhere to be seen.

Karna is just the best roast machine ever.

Semiramis getting roasted by Karna and she doesn’t take it well.

Atalanta: “I have no compassion for a weak master” Achilles: “I am strong. So you have a compassion for me?” Atalanta: “Please clean your ears.”

Shirou’s voice is incredibly sweet and silk like, perfect for a person like him.

Shirou: “Kids, let’s all sit down and talk about each other’s future dreams, okie dokie?”

Achilles wants to prove he is a hero without any deconstruction whatsoever in Nasuverse.

Semiramis: “Aw that’s bland” Shirou: “Sssh do not sass here, honey’ Achilles: “Yeah but I’ve got gigantic ego just like yours, mom” Semiramis: “Are you all inclined to roast me everyday?"

Atalanta wants to save children. Atalanta wants to be a mama bear.

Semiramis: “That’s pipe dream, Atalanta.” Me; That’s rich. You support a guy whose goal is save mankind.

Dude Karna is so fucking extra.

Karna wants to be loyal. And fights Saber of Black again. And burns everyone who stand  in the way.

Shirou may speak like that but his insides all make calculations of how to possibly get rid of Karna he’s too dangerous

Is Gordes only around to roar with laughter and say “Impossible!!” or “Stupid!!"?

Holy grail for dumb wishes. Wow that’s some self-awareness going on Mordred.

Yeah corrupted or not, the problem with the holy grail granting wishes is if the method of the fulfilment is a disaster to mankind we have a very depressing Fate/Zero episode just for that.

Caules forgetting Archer of Red is so cute

"Atalanta: The power woman" Short lecture by Chiron.

Mordred: “Yeah after I chop Sieg’s head off” Astolfo: *stand on chair* OVER MY DEAD FUCKING BODY” Caules: *for a split second* Please, not now.

Chiron's Papa instinct is tingling

FINALLY the Forvedges arc comes!!

Thank God they animate this scene in the same location as the novel

“Mages are sinnamon roll. But Fiore is cinnamon roll too pure for this world.” -Chiron

Little Forvedges!!!

CRAP LIL CAULES IS CUTE

Lil Fiore is loaded with cuteness 300% than normal child.

The novel explains that the dog is skinned alive in front of Fiore and Caules and that’s fucked up

Also it happens because their dad wanted to show what happens if their magic fails and that’s how Fiore becomes flawless in her magic because she is so afraid of the failure that could be. She is so traumatized in her childhood she needs Caules to hold her hands just to sleep, and will puke at the sight of meat. Honestly? That’s a shitton character background not to be shown.

“After that incident with the dog, I made sure she never touched, saw, or even heard of the Fullmetal Alchemist.” -Caules, probably.

Caules: “Why do you care?” Chiron: “Because I am eternally a teacher.”

I almost thought Caules just made up some cool shit but then I think a bit and yeah that’s right

OH MY GOD CAULES IS SO CUTE GRINNING LIKE THAT I CAN’T

Dude, Chiron is just the embodiment of ‘Learning is forever"

He brings up Fran again :(((((

What makes it so sad and ultra sadder in the novel is that the thing that makes Caules-Fran team so great is also the very thing that burdens him when she’s gone.

Hell the novel narrates simply that he regretted that his servant is Fran, because from the beginning to end they could and had care for each other and that didn’t allow him to just nonchalantly shrug everything away.

No Caules he’s Eternal Professor Chiron he can’t quit from that and he won’t.

Yeah sleep you deserve the rest.

Mordred: “I thought transferring command spells would AT LEAST involve sprouting gigantic wings and sparkles and catchy dance while you blow it away to my master’s hands!” Jeanne: “….. You watch too many magical girl henshin”

Mordred vs Astolfo: Trash talk edition

Jeanne: “Use it just TWICE. Do NOT use the last command spell, okay?” Sieg: “Why?” Jeanne: “JFC “WHY"? YOU DIED TWICE, TRANSFORM TWICE, AND THIS IS NASUVERSE MIRACLES AIN’T FREE SHIT HERE” Sieg: “Maybe I can cheat around it.” Jeanne: “HOLY SHIT LISTEN HERE U LIL SHIT”

Jeanne: “…I can’t believe I’m kinda rooting for these two idiots.”

Why does Jeanne like to hold his hands? Like this is too many times?

KAIRI BACKSTORY IS SUCH A STUD.

“My ancestors thought they could get around with a devil’s deal and imo, they were fucking stupid.” -Kairi

They didn’t explain more about Kairi’s short-lived marriage that is, personally speaking, completely fucked up

At least they explain about his stepdaughter tho.

That is such a beautiful father-daughter bonding they are so similar it breaks my heart.

Mordred: “You remember your dead kid?” Kairi: “I won’t ever forget.” Mordred: “Sold. You’re my father now.”

Wow that’s a lot of hair to brush Jeanne I’d love to brush it for you.

Jeanne D’Arc, 16, The Maid of Orleans, experiencing first love.

Gordes, training to be a decent person, finally.

“We just want to play honorable magic real-life chess, not things like saving humanity and eternal salvation!” -Gordes

Female Leader Homunculus is just composed of savage comments and roasts I love her so much.

I’d like an omake of Gordes naming each and everyone of the homunculus and ran out of idea so he asked Caules to open babynames.com

Useless uncle Shakespeare visits AKA team and brings drama to their chill

Atalanta: “So do you think Shirou’s nuts?” Shakespeare: “Do you care if your protagonist is nuts or not?” Atalanta: “I knew it, you are nuts.”

It’s chilling that everything Shakespeare says in this scene, as grandiose and dramatic as he spells it, is perfectly reasonable within the context of storytelling and to my horror, I do agree with him.

Broken hero? Check. Lost everything? Check. Named a saint yet not a saint? Check. Wants to save 6 billion people which is such a grand number? Check. Guess what, Shirou’s story is fucking interesting.

On a side note, the trio makes the balcony their favorite hangout space like?? It’s precious as fuck??

Shirou: *ominous monologue*

DUDE I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR SHIROU’S COMMAND SPELL TO APPEAR IN THE TITLE.

I’ve always wanted to say this. Jeanne and Shirou’s ruler command spells each look like a pair of wings. While Sieg’s looks like a single wing. 

Next: Jack who?

[ravenmorganleigh]

25 THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT PLOT

Previous iterations of the “25 Things” series:

25 Things Every Writer Should Know

25 Things You Should Know About Storytelling

25 Things You Should Know About Character

And now…

1. WHAT THE FIDDLY FUCK IS “PLOT,” ANYWAY?

A plot is the sequence of narrative events as witnessed by the audience.

2. THE WRONG QUESTION

Some folks will ask, incorrectly, “What’s the plot?” which, were you to answer them strictly, you would begin to recite for them a litany of events, each separated by a deep breath and the words, “And then…” They probably don’t want that. What they mean to ask is, “What’s the story?” or, “What’s this about?” Otherwise you’re just telling them what happened, start to finish. In other words: snore.

3. A GOOD PLOT IS LIKE A SKELETON: CRITICAL, YET INVISIBLE

A plot functions like a skeleton: it is both structural and supportive. Further, it isn’t entirely linear. A plot has many moving parts (sub-plots and pivot points) that act as limbs and joints. The best plots are plots we don’t see, or rather, that the audience never has to think about. As soon as we think about it, it’s like a needle manifests out of thin air and pops the balloon or lances that blister. Remember, we don’t walk around with our skeletons on the outside of our body, which is good because, ew. What are we, ants? So don’t show off your plot. Let the plot remain hidden, invisible.

4. SHIT’S GOTTA MAKE SENSE, SON

The biggest plot crime of them all is a plot that doesn’t make a lick of goddamn sense. That’s a one way ticket to plot jail. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200 dollars. Do not drop the soap. The elegance of a great plot is that, when the events are all strung together, there exists a natural order as if this was the only way they could fit together. It’s like dominoes tumbling. Your plot is not a chimera: random parts mashed together because you didn’t think it through. Test the plot. Show people. Pull the pieces apart and ask, “Is there a better way?” Nonsense plots betray the potency of story.

5. THE QUINTESSENTIAL PLOT

The simplest motherfucker of a plot is this: things get worse until they get better. A straight-up escalation of conflict. It goes from “Uh-oh, that’s bad,” to, “Uh-oh, it’s getting worse,” to “Oh, holy shit, it can’t get any worse,” to, “I think I maybe maybe fixed it, or at least stopped it from being so totally and completely fucked.” When in doubt, just know that your next step as a storyteller is to bring the pain, amp the misery, and escalate the conflict. That’s what they mean by the advice, “Have a man with a gun walk through the door.” You can take that literally, sure, but what it means is: the bad news just got worse.

6. IN LIFE WE AVOID CONFLICT, IN FICTION WE SEEK IT

Fiction is driven by characters in conflict, or, put differently, the flame of fiction grows brighter through friction. A match-tip lights only when struck; so too is the mechanism by which a gun fires a bullet. Impact. Tension. Fear. Danger. Need to know what impels your plot forward? Look to the theme of Man Versus [fill-in-the-blank]. Man versus his fellow man. Woman versus nature. Man versus himself. Woman versus an angry badger riding a unicorn. Find the essential conflict and look for events that are emblematic to that.

7. WANT VERSUS FEAR

Of course, the essence of the essential conflict — the one below all that Wo/Man versus stuff — is a character’s wants versus a character’s fears. Plot grows from this fecund garden. The character wants life, revenge, children, a pony — and that which he fears must stand in his way. John McClane must battle terrorists to return to his wife. Indiana Jones must put up with snakes and irritating sidekicks to uncover the artifact. I must put up with walking downstairs to make myself a gin-and-tonic. Everything that stands in a character’s way — the speedbumps, roadblocks, knife-wielding monkeys, ninja clones, tornadoes, and sentient Krispy Kreme donuts sent from the future to destroy man via morbid obesity — are events in the greater narrative sequence: they are pieces of the plot.

8. GROW THE PLOT, DON’T BUILD IT

A plot grows within the story you’re telling. A story is all the important parts swirling together: world, character, theme, mood, and of course, plot. An artificial plot is something you have to wrestle into place, a structure you have to bend and mutilate and duct tape to get it to work — it is a square peg headbutted into a circle hole, and you’re the poor bastard doing all the headbutting.

9. THE TENSION AND RECOIL OF CHOICE AND CONSEQUENCE

An organic plot grows like this: characters make decisions — sometimes bad decisions, other times decisions whose risks outweigh the rewards, and other times still decisions that are just plain uncertain in their outcome — and then characters must deal with the consequences of those decisions. A character gives up a baby. Or buys a gun. Or enters the dark forest to slay Lady Gaga. Anytime a character makes a choice, the narrative branches. Events unfold because she chose a path. That’s it. That’s plot. Choice and consequence tighten together, ratcheting tension, creating suspense. Choice begets event.

10. PLOT IS PROMISE

Plot offers the promise of Chekov and his gun, of Hitchcock and his bomb under the table. An event here leads to a choice there which spawns another event over there. Foreshadowing isn’t just a literary technique used sparingly: it lurks in the shadow of every plot turn. Plot promises pay-off. A good plot often betrays this promise and does something different than the audience expects. That’s not a bad thing. You don’t owe the audience anything but your best story. But a plot can also make hay by doing exactly what you expect: show them the gun and now they want to see it fire.

11. LET CHARACTERS DO THEY HEAVY LIFTING

Characters will tell you your plot. Even better: let them run and they’ll goddamn give it to you on a platter. Certainly plot can happen from an external locus of control — but you’re not charting the extinction of the dinosaurs or the lifecycle of the slow loris. Plot is like Soylent Green: it’s made of people. Characters say things, do things, and that creates plot. It really can be that simple. Authentic plot comes from internal emotions, not external mechanics.

12. CHART THE SHORTEST POINT BETWEEN BEGINNING AND END

One way to be shut of the nonsensical, untenable plot is to cut through all the knots. If we are to assume that a plot is motivated by the choices and actions of characters — and we must assume that, because who else acts as prime mover? — then we can also assume that characters will take the most direct path through the story as they can. That’s not to say it’ll be the smartest path, but it will be forthright as the character sees it. No character creates for himself a convoluted path. Complex, perhaps. Convoluted? Never. Characters want what they want and that means they will cut as clear a path to that goal as they can. A convoluted, needlessly complex plot is just the storyteller showing off how clever he is. And no audience wants that. Around these parts, we hunt and kill the preening peacocks and wear their tail-feathers as a headdress.

13. ON THE SUBJECT OF “PLOT HOLES”

Plot holes — where logic and good sense and comprehensible sequence fall into a sinking story-pit — happen for a handful of reasons. One, you weren’t paying attention. Two, your plot is too convoluted and its untenable nature cannot sustain itself. Three, you don’t know what the fuck is happening, and maybe also, you’re drunk. Four, the plot is artificial, not organic, and isn’t coming out naturally from what the characters need and want to do. Five, you offended Plot Jesus by not sacrificing a goat. You can’t just fix a plot hole by spackling it over. It’s like a busted pipe in a wall. You need to do some demo. Get in there. Rip out more than what’s broken. Fill in more than what’s missing.

13. IF THE CHARACTERS HAVE TO PLAN, SO DO YOU

Many writers don’t like to outline. Here’s how you know if you should, though: if your characters are required to plan and plot something — a heist, an attack on a moon bunker, a corporate take-over — then you’re a fool if you think these imaginary people have to plan but you don’t. This is doubly true of genre material. A murder mystery for example lives and dies by a compelling, sensible plot. So plan the plot, for Chrissakes. This isn’t improvisational dance. Take some fucking notes, will you?

14. SET UP YOUR TENTPOLES

A big tent is propped up by tentpoles. So too is your plot. Easy way to plan without getting crazy: find those events in your plot that are critical, that must happen for the whole story to come together. “Mary Meets Gordon. Belial Betrays Satan. An Earthquake Swallows Snooki.” Chart these half-dozen events. Know that you must get to them somehow.

15. THE HERKY JERKY PLOT SHUFFLE PIVOT POINT BOOGIE

You’ve seen Freytag’s Triangle. It’s fine. But it doesn’t tell the whole story. This is the Internet. This is the future. We have CGI. We have 3-D. Gaze upon the plot from the top-down. It isn’t a linear stomp up a steep mountain. It’s a zig-zagging quad ride through dunes and jungles, over rivers and across gulleys. You’re a hawk over the quad-rider’s shoulder — watch it jerk left, pull right, jump a log, squash a frog. More obstacles. Greater danger. Faster and faster. Every turn is a pivot point. A point when the narrative shifts, when the audience goes right and the story feints left.

16. PLOT IS THE BEAT THAT SETS THE STORY’S RHYTHM

Plot comprises beats. Each action, a new beat, a new bullet point in the sequence of events. These establish rhythm. Stories are paced according to the emotions and moods they are presently attempting to evoke. Plot is the drummer. Plot keeps the sizzling beat. Like Enrique “Kiki” Garcia, of Miami Sound Machine.

17. EVERY NIGHT NEEDS A SLOW DANCE

I know I said that plot, at its core, is how everything gets worse and worse and worse until it gets better. Overall, that’s true. But you need to pull back from that. Release the tension. Soften the recoil. Not constantly, but periodically. Learn to embrace the false victories, the fun & games, the momentary lapses of danger. If only to mess with the heads of the audience. Which, after all, is your totally awesome job.

18. THE NAME OF MY NEW BAND IS “BEAT SHEET MANIFESTO”

You can move well beyond the tentpoles. You can free-fall from the 30,000 foot view, smash into the earth, and get a macro-level micro-view of all the ants and the pill-bugs and the sprouts from seeds. What I mean is, you can track every single beat — every tiny action — that pops up in your plot. You don’t need to do this before you write, but you can and should do it after. You’ll see where stuff doesn’t make sense. You’ll see where plot holes occur. Also: wow. A Meat Beat Manifesto joke?

19. BEATS BECOME SCENES BECOME SEQUENCES BECOME ACTS

Plot is narrative, and narrative has units of measurement: momentary beats become scenes of a single place, scenes glom together to form whole sequences of action and event, and sequences elbow one another in the giant elevator known as an “act,” where the story manifests a single direction before zig-zagging to another (at which point, another act shifts). Think first in acts. Then sequences. Then scenes. And finally, beats. Again, take that 30,000 foot view, but then jump out of the plane and watch the ground come to meet you.

20. YOUR SEXY MISTRESS, THE SUBPLOT

In real life, don’t cheat on your spouse or lover. Not cool, man. Not cool. As a writer, you don’t cheat on your manuscript, either: while working on one script or novel, don’t go porking another one behind the shed. But inside the narrative? The laws change. You need to cheat on your primary plot. Have dalliances with sub-plots — this is a side-story, or the “B-story.” Lighter impact. Smaller significance. Highlights supporting characters. But the sub-plot always has the DNA of the larger plot and supports or runs parallel to the themes present. Better still is when the sub-plot affects, influences or dovetails with the larger plot.

21. BENEATH SUBPLOT, A NOUGATY LAYER OF MICRO-PLOT

Every little component of your story threatens — in a good way, like how storms threaten to give way to sun, or how a woman threatens to dress up as your favorite Farscape puppet and sex you down to galaxy-town — to spin off into its own plot. Your tale is unwittingly composed of tiny micro-plots: filaments woven together. A character needs to buy a gun but can’t pass the legal check. His dog runs away. He hasn’t paid his power bill. Small inciting incidents. Itty-bitty conflicts. They don’t overwhelm the story, but they exist just the same, enriching the whole. A big plot is in some ways just a lot of little plots lashed together and moving in a singular direction. Like a herd of stampeding marmots.

22. EXPOSITION IS SAND IN THE STORY’S PANTIES

Look at plot construction advice and you’ll see a portion set aside for “exposition.” Consider exposition a dirty word. It is a synonym for “info-dump,” and an info-dump is when you, the storyteller, squat over the audience’s mouth and expel your narrative waste into their open maw. Take the section reserved for exposition and fold it gently into the rest of the work as if you were baking a light and fluffy cake. Let information come out through action. Even better: withhold exposition as long as you can. Tantric storytelling, ladies and germs: deny the audience’s expectation ejaculation until you can do so no longer.

23. ON THE SUBJECT OF THE “PLOT TWIST”

A plot twist is the kid who’s too cool for school — ultimately shallow, without substance, and a total tool. It’s a gimmick. Let your story be magic, not a magic trick. Not to say plot twists can’t work, but they only work when they function as the only way the story could go from the get-go. Again: organic, not artificial.

24. THE ENDING IS THE ANSWER TO A VERY LONG EQUATION

Plot is math, except instead of numbers and variables it’s characters, events, themes, and yes, variables. The ending is one such variable. An ending should feel like it’s the only answer one can get when he adds up all parts of the plot. This actually isn’t true: you can try on any number of endings and you likely have a whole host that can work. But there’s one ending that works for you, and when it works for you, it works for them. And by “them” I don’t mean the men in the flower delivery van who are watching your every move. I mean “them” as in, the audience. P.S., don’t forget to wear your tinfoil hat because the flowers are listening.

25. PLOT IS ONLY MEANS TO AN END

Speaking of ends, plot is just a tool. A means to an end. Think of it as a character- and conflict-delivery-system. Plot is conveyance. It still needs to work, still needs to come together and make sense — but plot is rarely the reason someone cares about a story. They care about characters, about the way it makes them feel, about the thing you-as-storyteller are trying to say. Note, though, that the opposite is true: plot may not make them love a story, but it can damn sure make them hate it.

* * *

If you dig on the apeshit crazy-face no-holds-barred profanity-soaked writing advice found here at terribleminds, then you may want to take a wee bitty gander-peek at: CONFESSIONS OF A FREELANCE PENMONKEY, which is available now! Buy for Kindle (US), Kindle (UK), Nook, or PDF.