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sweet-xoxo-thatcares · 3 years ago

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Based on what I was taught in school, in church, and with my mom and dad, I know better. I knew I should have left they asses alone along time ago. I knew I should have got the fuck out the first time they even scolded me like a child, popped me on the hand, and told me I had 10 seconds to leave.

But every time I leave myself to my memories with them, my throat hurts and I can feel it pulsing, the true things that I wanted to say, the real thing that I wanted to do back to them.

Knowing I would have snapped, because I was so scared, so confused and did not want to hurt their feelings for pushing me around for so long, testing my limits, pushing my buttons, hurting and pushing me, using me, taking advantage, kissing me with lies just to get me closer, then using me for sex again, throwing me under the bus and blaming it all on me, belittling me, degrading my body, then using me again for sex to throw me away once they got tired of me being so ready.

Ready to be loved. And time and time again, I see parts of you in someone else and I just wanna lash out and quit on them too because anybody that reminds me of you, the hurt and turmoiled child, that took their chances to make me feel sorry for them and look out for them, only to get backstabbed by a stubborn mule who only takes his friend's crops as his own. You're a user, a stealer, a thief, a bragger, so shallow, you misused someone who opened their heart up to you, but all you see is your own pain and suffering.

But you never looked at the pain and suffering you caused me.

Not once did you think, "This is wrong." The lack of morality and mercy shows. You never cared even when you knew how I felt about you. You played my vagina to you and your wife and later on inviting guests to get acquainted to my body that I only shared for you, but you didn't see this. Cause you didn't care. It was all about you.

I'm not your whore, I'm not your slut. And you sure as hell was never my friend. Because a true friend of mine, would never had used me like that for their own sadistic, petty fun and joy. The games that you made me play, the manipulation, the switches of personalities, the plots to get me back on board to being your threesome buddy. You just used me.

Even when you kissed me, it wasn't genuine...it was to invite me to fuck you later. And bdsm, was your sword. And you turned it around on me to hurt me with it.

Its like you punished me each and every time I wanted to be open, honest, and vulnerable with you when I was butt-ass naked. You never cared whether I was dying inside or not. Long as you had fun beating me and making me cry, you had fun. And you and your wife joined in on it.

I hate people like you. You know exactly how it feels to be violated, abused, neglected, forgotten, and taken advantage of sexually and emotionally...

Yet you did the exact same thing to me. And you violated my heart, my soul, my life, my head. And I'll never feel the same way about sex or love again. I don't even wanna be near anybody who thinks its ok to hurt women like that just because you feel like it and you think pretty, sweet, innocent things deserve to be broken by you.

You triggered every single wound I ever had and now your occupation was to press charges on me for harrassment?

Kiss my ass and fuck those charges. Better be glad I never came to your house not once or your job or your family's house. Cause Lord knows how enraged you made me feel, I wanted to burn it all. Every single memory, every single lie, every single kiss, every single time I ever got undressed, especially the very 1st time when you took my virginity.

You preyed on me for awhile and I wish I had known not to fall asleep on the phone with you or even had phone sex with you. I wish I had known the friend I had just made would betray me and use me for my body like a slut, because that's how disgusting and lowdown dirty they truly are.

Even after all they ever gone through, people abusing them. They still chose to continue the cycle, by making me one of their victims. And just like that, they got to walk away and hurt somebody else. Some innocent, bubbly, happy little girl is gonna get played, assaulted, and used just like gullible, old me who had no idea sex can make your heart be manipulated to never wanna fall in love again.

I'll never trust nobody the same way again until everything lines up with what they say and do and how they feel about me and what their true intentions are. There was so much I missed because they always controlled where my eyes were to look at and what/who I should be listening to. Its like these two broads played me, so I wouldn't hear or trust nobody else was saying about who they were, until God showed me Himself. There's a reason why he called me to leave them alone the last and final time Jay broke my spirit. Cause I gave them my all, cause I never reassured me that I was good enough just as a sex partner, or even as a good enough friend. Because they always pushed me away when I got close to them.

Always pushing me down, telling me take steps back, and me telling myself to not fall in love with them, because I knew she, they, he was a traitor.

Blocking me as a punishment for not keeping my mouth shut or speaking the truth. I hated that. That was the finale when they said they completely forgot about blocking me and that they didn't wanna argue. Luring me back in again....

It didn't take me getting away from this jackass to understand what they was really trying to get me to do for them, instead of doing what was best for me to. Idk why the fuck I was even too scared to be 100% honest about the reason why I was leaving when I told Ayunna. It wasn't till I got angry that I let everything out like a fucking melted lava volcano that had been churning and seasoned by them and their wife for years and I was supposed to just shut up, smile, look cute, and just take the pain from them and not allowed to defend myself unless they would get too mad and upset at me, enough to block me or ignore me again. Blocking felt like disbandment, like I broke the family. But truth was, these people weren't my family....family don't treat you like that and expect you to let them disrespect you without you standing up for yourself. It was mind-bottling. Like she taught me to keep my mouth shut and I was supposed to stick to the mask and the sub role that she gave me at all times, even when I fell asleep with them on the phone or staying up for them when they had insomnia, but never reciprocated for me whenever I wanted to talk on the phone at night. I always had to wait and wait for them to speak to me about something. Like my voice was just cut off like Ariel. The pretty, but lost mermaid not having a clue, being babied, but also being tortured for their entertainment.

I never even knew how wrapped around I was around their finger until I unraveled myself from the game of house and dress-up they had me play in. Wearing all these different masks with me and shadow cloaks around me and their wife together in the same room. You sure was different on the phone than you were in person, and it stank. Even after you told me yourself, Ayunna watches all of our texts and phone calls, she even tells you what to say to me sometimes.

I knew it was just about you and her, and I was supposed to wear the stupid, ditsy, clown face you thought I was. I'm glad I put an end to your petty little game and left you hanging like you did me for years.

You don't deserve any single part of me. Not even a goodbye to your face.

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pinkrocketimagines · 7 years ago

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YOUNG: Part 2 ( COLE X READER)

Summary: Your first encounter with Cole since he came. An emotional roller coaster ride follows after he asks another girl to dance.

A/N: I hope you enjoy! It’s a little too deep and emotional. Hope you’re okay with that ._. I loved writing it :)

“Wow, the view is still spectacular,” Cole exclaims

Not too long ago, he snuck into your dorm to wake you up so you two could climb the Kingsville Hill like you did when you were young.

You roll your eyes as your ignore his statement and retort him back with a question, “How did you even find my room?”

Cole looks at you like it was the most normal thing in the world to sneak into the girls’ dormitory.

“It’s not like I haven’t done it before,” he winks. You scoff.

After all these years, he’s still got it. Yeap.

You turn away from him and focus on the spectacular view before you.

The good old hilltop, the Filgirtz river between the two Kingsville mountains , the sun about to rise, and a certain Cole Sprouse next to you.

Just like old times.

You still remember how much you looked forward into early morning adventures with Cole. Starting the day with the person you ‘loved’ was something you missed.

It feels so weird having him here. It’s like he never left. It’s like the two years without him were just a blur and he’s here.

“So (y/n),” He smiles at you, “How have you been?”

Your eyes flutter as reflect back on the two years you spent trying to get over him, the hardest two years.

“I’ve been great,” you happily reply,” How about you, some big shot now huh?”

“Haha, so you’ve watched my show!”

“Errgh..,” you think of some excuse,”Well,”

“Oh my god, (y/n). I can’t believe you!”

“Cole, chill. You know me. I’m don’t watch TV a lot. Besides, school has been..” you nervously blurt out things you don’t even mean. I mean, how could you possibly explain to him how seeing him on TV hurt so much?

“I get it,” he happily wraps his arm around your shoulder,” Oh look, the sun is rising.”

You’re taken aback by his sudden gesture. You know it doesn’t mean anything. But it feels nice. It really does. You’ve lost count of the number of sunrise and sunset you watched whist wishing he was with you.

“I’ve you missed you, (y/n)!”

“Me too.”

Maybe you never really got over him. Maybe you just learnt to hide your feelings. Maybe your feelings never left- because the way I see it, you still look at him the same way you did when you realized you were in love with him.

During breakfast, Cole makes quite a statement by sitting next to you.

“Hey, that’s my-” Wendy protests. “Why don’t you sit next to Kj over there?”

Wow, Cole just made an offer she couldn’t refuse. Wendy happily makes her way towards KJ.

“(Y/N), Do you think we have any common classes today?”

You shake your head,”Nope, the summer program is different from the regular classes.”

“Dang it, I was thinking you could introduce me to some of your friends!”

You roll you eyes,”Go away, Cole. I’m trying to eat.”

He snickers, “Hey,” he puts your hair behind your ear,”You hair was a lot lighter when you were young.”

Don’t do that Cole. Don’t.

“Don’t do that, Cole.” Wait did you just blurt that out.

“Do what?

Playing with my heart.

“Playing with hair, idiot. I pay good money for this,” you joke.

He scoff and gets up,”See you later, kiddo.” he brushes your hair abruptly obviously with the intention of messing it up.

This boy has no idea what he does to my heart.

You’re really excited for the Dance class today. One, because you’re really excited to see Cole. It really never gets old! He makes you feel like you’re 15 all over again. You can’t even seem to remember what you went through when he left. You’re just happy he’s here again. Also, the fact that he wanted to see the sunrise with you on his first day of return..makes you feel special.

Maybe this is fate’s way of giving us another chance, you think.

The moment you enter the class, you’re met with the sight of Cole surrounded by 5-6 girls. Ugh, he’s still the old Cole.

You roll your eyes at the sight and head to your seat.

“Hey, (y/n), right?” Cole’s red-headed friend comes over to you.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry about the other day. I had to run,”

“Clearly,” he jokes

You laugh, “Haha, I’m (y/n).”

“Very nice to meet you, (y/n). You can call me KJ.” “Nice to meet you as well, Mr KJ.”

KJ seems like a really cool guy. He keeps you distracted from Cole for a while. He doesn’t a good job at it though. It’s not his fault that YOU’VE been in love with the same guy for over 3 years. Obviously, your jealousy is going to act up.

“Aw, I see what’s happening here,” exclaims KJ

“What?”

“You’ve got the hots for Sprouse!”

You scoff, “I SO DON’T!”

“Please, you’ve been staring at that direction for like idk,” You hit his arm,”You’re so annoying, it’s nothing like that!”

He chuckles,”I was just playing with you, jeez. You’re cute when you get flustered.”

You shoot him a look,” Annoying.”

“Hello class!,” Mrs Hurley makes her entry. KJ goes back to his front seat.

“Now today,” she begins,” We are going to choose partners for ya’ll”

Everybody looks at each other excitedly. Your eyes find Cole. He’s obviously excited.

“I’m going to give you 10 minutes, only 10 minutes. Within this 10 minutes, find yourself a partner. Gather up your guts and ask the girl/boy you like to be your dance partner! Don’t be shy, this is your final year. Otherwise, I will be choosing the partners for you all.”

Definitely not the latter.

During the first two minutes, the atmosphere was filled with tension as well as excitement at the same time. You could literally see how everyone was mentally preparing themselves to ask their crush to be their dance partner.

“I’m going to ask Alec,” says Wendy. “Who are you going to ask?”

You look at Cole, seated at the front row, he’s still joking around with KJ and some other friends.

“Cole?” Wendy gawks at you.

“I don’t know, maybe..”

“Seriously? Do you know what you’re getting yourself into?”

“It’s not like that, Wendy.” You smile,”It’s different this time.”

“Hey, they’re coming here”

You turn away as soon as you notice KJ and Cole both making their way towards you.

“Talk to me, talk to me,” you instruct Wendy,” Pretend we’re having so much fun. HAHA YOU’RE SO FUNNY WENDY,”. It’s actually really cute to see you get all conscience around Cole.

“(y/n),” you hear someone call your name. Excitedly, you look up.

KJ Apa.

You turn around to search for Cole. You spot him at the corner of the room asking a blondie. Wow. The moment when you can actually feel yourself heart break.

“(y/n)?”

“Yes, yes. Kj.” You try your best not to let your emotions get the best of you.

“Would you like to go to the dance with me?” he asks

“I would love to.” You lie through your teeth.

“I’m sorry, I really have to go. I don’t think I’m feeling well,” you blurt and excuse yourself.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I just need to lie down for a bit.”

You ask Mrs Hurley if you could get a pass for this class. She was adamant at first because you were one of her favourite dancers, but she let you go.

You should’ve let him go long time back.

In 9th grade, when he said he would love to take you to the dance but asked another girl instead.

In 8th grade, when you saw him kiss Claire at the library.

When he decided that you weren’t a good enough reason for him to stay and not leave.

There were many incidents which you knew was your cue to let him go.

But you didn’t listen, you were too stubborn. But I guess we all are, when we’re in love. You never gave up on him, you never even thought of moving on because you always had hope. Only now do you realize that Cole will always be Cole.

It hurts.

It may not make any sense but then again, when does it ever?

This is the guy you loved all your life.

You’re aggravated, frustrated and hurt at the same time. You’ve always ben there for Cole more than any of his side chicks ever has- and he still doesn’t see you. He always leads you on with his pretty boy etiquettes.. but this is where it ends.

Staring back at you are all the things related to Cole which you had saved all these years. His 8th grade sweater which he let you wear and never asked back, the rose he picked while asking you to be his girlfriend, the bobbypin his mom used on you when you met her at a tea party, the ticket to the first movie you went to together, the notes he passed in between classes and many many more.

“Are you sure about this?” Wendy holds your hand tightly.

“I just,” you break down. Tears begin to roll down your face uncontrollably.

“There, there.” Wendy rubs your shoulder trying to comfort you.

“I feel so stupid, he wasn’t even mine to begin with,” you force a laugh.

“(Y/n), can I tell you something?”

“Suree.”

“He doesn’t deserve it,” she blurts.

“What?”

“Your love. He doesn’t deserve it. I know how you always defend him and say he’s not the one to blame because you never told him about your feelings but the way I see it, he should’ve already figured it out. I mean, c’mon, no girl would put herself through what you went through him. And he’s an ass for always settling for less. And I know how you go on about not having the right to feel bad or upset. Cmon, we’re all human. You have every right to feel hurt. You have every right to feel however you want to feel, damn it!”

“I think I loved him, you know?” you wipe your tear filled eyes. “I think I really did love him, because no matter what he did,no matter how many girls he hooked up with, no matter how many times he falsely led me on, I didn’t stop loving him. And I don’t know if that makes me a complete nutcase or a hopeless romantic. I was just so blinded by the thought of us being together that I refused to see how much he was actually hurting me. It was just that, when he was with me none of it mattered, you know? He was so different around me. Not the playboy the school knew. He always knew how to make me laugh, he kept me really really happy. Like, really really happy. And I was convinced that I would never be happy without him. I think that’s where I went wrong.”

“It’s time to let go, (y/n).”

You nod. “Yes, it’s time.” You reflect back on what happened earlier this morning. How he woke you up and caught the sunrise with you and you felt so special. You feel so stupid. Cole will always be Cole.

He will never notice me. He could talk to me, play with me, chase sunsets with me, but he’ll never notice me. And that’s how I know he’s not the one for me.

Besides, you can only let someone make you feel horrible about yourself, for so long.

Rolling your sleeves up, you look at your best friend and say,”Now, let’s dump this.”

You thought you would feel horrible after getting rid of his things but you actually feel liberated. Now that your heart has convinced your mind that Cole isn’t the one for you, he doesn’t seem that big of a deal anymore. It’s not like you’ve lost all 100% feelings for him but it’s easier now, knowing that you don’t have to worry about seeing him, not seeing him, talking to him, not talking to him.

None of it matter anymore now that you’ve made up your mind to move on.

It’s almost dinner time . You make your way towards the dinning hall, eventually spotting Cole talking to some 2-3 girls at the side of the hallway.

You hear him call you but you decide to ignore it. He can’t always have his way with his girls and come back to you whenever he feels like it.

It doesn’t work that way, Cole.

“(Y/N), heading for dinner?” KJ meets you along the way.

“Yeah, you ?”

“Same, let’s go together.”

From the corner of your eye, you could see Cole gawking at KJ and you. Probably just surprised at your sudden friendship.

At the dinner table, Cole and KJ sat across you. You ignored Cole the entire time. You refused to acknowledge his presence. Kate, the girl he asked for the dance sat next to him. You wanted to barf.

After dinner, Cole walked up towards you and before you could run away from him again, he started a conversation. “Everything okay?” he asked.

“Of course. I was just going to my room,” you answered.

“Why do I feel like you’re ignoring me?”

“I’m not.”

Cole wasn’t convinced much but he nodded his head and said,”Hey (y/n), wanna go to the hilltop at 10?”

You take a deep breath and hold your heart together as you answer, ”No. Goodnight.”

Taglist~ @mayathepsychicc @tegan-and-or-sara @the-missboss721-things @keely-ansell @xbobaaa @ceruleanjones @riverdalemami @simbatastisc

PS- If you want to remove yourself / get added to the taglist, just let me know :)

A/N: Part 3 coming out soon!

#colesprouse #cole x reader #cole sprouse #cole sprouse imagine #riverdale #riverdale fanfic #kj apa #jughead #jughead x reader

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henjiiru-blog · 8 years ago

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REALLY LONG CHARACTER SURVEY. RULES. repost , don’t reblog ! tag 10 ! good luck ! TAGGED. i stole it TAGGING. anyone can do this tbh. i’m still a meek newbie

BASICS.

FULL NAME : Eibhlhin “Amber” Terra NICKNAME : Amber AGE : Unknown (presumed 18-23) BIRTHDAY : 14th April ETHNIC GROUP : Celt NATIONALITY : Unknown nationality LANGUAGE / S : Irish Gaelic, Fiorian SEXUAL ORIENTATION : Bisexual ROMANTIC ORIENTATION : Biromantic RELATIONSHIP STATUS : Single and alone HOME TOWN / AREA : Unknown CURRENT HOME : Nowhere - nomadic PROFESSION : Wizard (though, she hardly qualifies)

PHYSICAL.

SKIN : Rather pale in skin tone. EYES: Bright green. One could compare it to an emerald, especially since her eyes also have small little flaws in them. They tend to stand out in contrast to her hair. FACE : Curved face shape, lips almost always down-turned and in a sort of pout, narrowed eyes and eyebrows almost always furrowed. Resting bitch face. LIPS : Pouty and a bit chaffed. The scars on her lip don’t help much. COMPLEXION : Freckles everywhere but her face. How this happened, she doesn’t know. BLEMISHES : Besides the freckles, none. SCARS : Scar on her left eye, right cheek, and small assorted scars on her body. Nothing too major, and most very faded. TATTOOS : Large Celtic armband tattoo on her upper right arm. Small deer tattoo on her ankle. A triskele tattoo on her left shoulder blade. HEIGHT : 5′8″ WEIGHT : Approx. 70 kg. BUILD : Lean with some muscle. FEATURES : ?? ALLERGIES : Fish. USUAL HAIR STYLE : Bright red hair, usually tied back in a ponytail or in a bun. USUAL FACE LOOK : Resting Bitch Face Syndrome(tm). Doesn’t mean to look intimidating she’s really a happy idiot USUAL CLOTHING : Tends to switch it up a LOT. Normally seen wearing baggy pants, a breastplate and sandals. If she’s not wearing that, she’s wearing a militaristic uniform of sorts. Or she’d just be wearing a hoodie and jeans.

PSYCHOLOGY.

FEAR / S : Failure, intimacy, the unknown, being forgotten. ASPIRATION / S : to finally find a place where she can now fit in. POSITIVE TRAITS : loyal, brave, caring, easygoing, good sense of humor. NEGATIVE TRAITS :��stubborn, aggressive, impulsive, irresponsible, sarcastic. MBTI : COMMANDER (ENTJ). ZODIAC : Aries. TEMPEREMENT : Choleric. SOUL TYPE / S : Hunter, Leader. ANIMALS : Badger. (she could not be more upset) VICE HABIT / S : Aggressive, doubtful. FAITH : Only believes in her gods and goddesses, but doesn’t press it on anyone else. GHOSTS ? : Sort of. AFTERLIFE ? : Yes. REINCARNATION ? : Uncertain. ALIENS ? : No. POLITICAL ALIGNMENT : Doesn’t care. EDUCATION LEVEL : Before awakening, limited. After a while, however, she knew more than ever. Can effectively read and write.

FAMILY.

FATHER : Adair. Red hair, blue eyes. He was the reason she was still alive and able to avoid the worst of sicknesses. Very fond of her father, but he has long since passed. She only hopes he died in battle. MOTHER : Cinnia. Red hair, green eyes. The lullabies she used to sing are the only thing that’s keeping Amber motivated to go on. The last thing she wanted for her mother was that she was taken and tortured to death. SIBLINGS : None. Would’ve had an older brother, but he died when he was hardly a month old. EXTENDED FAMILY : She doesn’t remember, and it doesn’t matter. All are deceased. NAME MEANING / S : Amber is reminiscent of the translucent fossilized resin, but her true name - Eibhlhin - means “enchanting, beauty, light”. Terra simply means “earth”, a last name she chose in recognition of her connection to nature. HISTORICAL CONNECTION ? : She’s technically a Celt, but otherwise her line is long gone.

FAVORITES.

BOOK : She hasn’t decided. MOVIE : She hasn’t decided. 5 SONGS : Sentient, Nothing Else Matters, Jingle Jangle Jingle, Song of the Lonely Mountain, No Light No Light. DEITY : Flidais (this is obviously very biased). HOLIDAY : New Years. MONTH : December SEASON : Autumn. PLACE : In the forest. WEATHER : Cool. SOUND : Leaves rustling, birds singing, rainfall, fire crackling, cute animal noises, thunder. SCENT / S : Petrichor (the smell of rain), mint leaves, certain incense. TASTE / S : Doesn’t really mind any. FEEL / S : Silk, sharpened steel, leather. ANIMAL / S : Any and all animals. NUMBER : Seven, thirteen, twenty-five. COLORS : Red, green, blue.

EXTRA.

TALENTS : Fighting, swordsmanship, animal taming (well, not so much taming but just talking to them), drawing, making tapestry, singing (sort of). BAD AT : Controlling her temper, dancing, long-range combat, expressing her feelings well, keeping her shit together when drunk. TURN ONS : Males - healthy build, good sense of humor, good sparring partner, someone that isn’t bothered by her antics. Females - the same thing basically. TURN OFFS : Not healthy, easily irritated by everything. Not much else. HOBBIES : Drawing, for the most part. Tapestry is also linked to this. TROPES : “action girl”, "badass princess”, “the drifter”. QUOTES : "in the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take”, “i hate goodbyes”, “i stared into the face of death and death blinked first. you’d think that would make me feel brave and invincible. it didn’t”.

MUN QUESTIONS.

Q1 : if you could write your character your way in their own movie , what would it be called , what style would it be filmed in , and what would it be about ? A1 : oh boy i don’t think i should dedicate a movie to my oc. that’s like.... yeano i’m good. Q2 : what would their soundtrack / score sound like ? A2 : mostly badass battle themes, with the occasional quiet celtic styled music. maybe once in a while, something soft and sort of like... idk where i’m going with this. Q3 : why did you start writing this character ? A3 : because i felt a mighty need in writing her? mostly because of my friend. Q4 : what first attracted you to this character ? A4 : well you see, the reason i even made amber is because of fairy tail. and the only reason i chose to make her a celtic woman was because of what i’m learning in ancient history. Q5 : describe the biggest thing you dislike about your muse. A5 : she could like............. not be angry. Q6 : what do you have in common with your muse ? A6 : we hate ourselves and feel disconnected from every and any group. Q7 : how does your muse feel about you ? A7 : she’s somewhat okay with me. calls me a sap, though. Q8 : what characters does your muse have interesting interactions with ? A8 : not sure yet. need...... to actually have interactions first. Q9 : what gives you inspiration to write your muse ? A9 : tbh nothing in particular does. i tend to think “oh yeah i could totally write amber today” and just go with that. Q10 : how long did this take you to complete ? A10 : too long. a few hours honestly.

#○ ᵒ ◦ » ❛ hc. ❜#○ ᵒ ◦ » ❛ ooc. ❜#(( spent way too long on this............. ))

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wavemaker9 · 8 years ago

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re the latest reveal about cloned bodies for teh xover

There was a post that kind of addressed the idea of each of the boys dying various times + that static portion of each of their lives, i’m linking here. Basically how even though it’s only focussing on magnus atm, it’s likely all the boys were/are liches due to their all dying in different ways and they’ve each had new bodies created for them over time like barry as tehy all die either on their own or together when the world ends. Relistening, i heard barry says that he just found the item a few years ago and says he's been using it to bring himself back instead of framing it like he’s used it for all of them. though it could also be a different method used in the past and/or griffin trying to keep that the others have used it/items similar to it low key atm, justified maybe in barry knowing he’d have to explain more shit if he used ‘we’. Idk it might be handled later in a different way but it all works better for what i want it to with this implication so that’s the theory i’m following until contradicted. i mean with the shit covered below it could be that way because it wasn’t used in this world on any of them anyway. just. also kyle.

basically like i kind of really like this because it should make things easier for the xover. i’d mentioned previously, it was trouble for kyle because he’s younger than the youngest of the group by ~10 (now ~20) years at the time of the current story’s events. The static was set in a part of their lives where kyle’d be in his super early teens or so I think? Maybe preteens. Hold on lemme see if i wrote it down in my prev notes. Wow, okay 12 years. He was 20 at the time of the seeing that, just turned after crystal kingdom arc, so he’d be about 8 with that logic? Around there at least. No way is he doing whatever. But basically, because of the way the static and them likely being all liches who keep getting into new bodies would be handled, kyle wouldn't /have/ to have started out on his own the same 12 years ago the others did. If barry died early on accident and then has to restart now back at the previous age, why couldn’t that happen to the others too. Like actually with that logic, it wouldn’t be 12 years back that the static occurs for kyle when the cup is reviewing his memories. Maybe only a couple/few years back at max. Because we know the sizzle it up shit happened in this world since people acknowledge it and merle’s kids were in that range too, hold on. Okay mavis was 12 years old but she wasn’t his blood kid, only mookie was who is portrayed as younger, so that still checks more or less. And i don’t remember an exact year for the revolution and then fall of raven’s roost but i’m 90% sure it was in the 12 year range too, especially if magnus is only 32 by the suffering game, no way he was younger than 19-20 doing that revolution shit. So that all tracks, everything that affects this world explicitly happened in that 12 year range and anything before that is less concrete on where it was and who was involved with it.

Because assuming anything prior to the static is automatically on another world/plane, that’s a lotta shit that’s going to need to be reworked in kyle’s bg for this to make it work. I think for kyle it’ll be right after he ran away, so I might work ria later to be after that and per his memories it was almost right after he ran away but there was the time of the static between them, mainly because i did have her as the reason he can get the magical items as he needs to as gifts in this world plus i’d like him to meet her again and be able to keep her memory in his head again. Old ones still gone, but he can keep the new ones. Have to remove her having heard about the news of what happened to his sibling and being aware of that when he shows up, but i might like that more. Young teen kyle suspicious of this woman who seems to not be suspicious of him despite how close her town is to his and how the whole town knew what he did. I can also still have him viewing this town selbra as his hometown even if it wasn’t actually his home town. Also have to adjust because i did say on his second visit back home was when he lost track of his parents and both visits were going to be some time after leaving, but could remove first one or maybe make it very recent, sees he’s not really missed or anything, gets all upset and angry and reckless which leads him to eventually trying to work his way into this group even while still relatively young (if the BOB lets in 11 yr olds, the IPRE could let in a very determined teenager is all i’m saying, he’d only be 15-16 range probably when starting? i have to work out what would be best as we get more info). Then when he goes back home later, he goes to where he expects to see his house and family and they’re not there because they never were there, that was some other place entirely. I was gonna have dark be pre-static but he was after ria and within a couple years recent. Also i’ll get into this later but i’ll probably make him even more recent. Man i feel like i should be mad having to rework so much stuff but i’m honestly real excited, this is interesting to do to make it work with this new idea i have and since the new idea makes other shit work i’m super happy about this, it’s chill.

So everyone got bodies on this plane at the same time 12 years ago to start the plan, and kyle started at a 17-18 year range (Another age thing I still have to figure out what the best age for that would be), with the plan being that he’d be 29-30 by the time shit kicked in, only a little younger than magnus would be excluding the sacrifice. But it’s kyle. Barry’s not the only one who’s stubborn. Kyle is stubborn and reckless and self sacrificial and if he loses all memories post a couple years after running away, he’s going to def go back to that and just. Just be that reckless ‘who cares if i live or die’ sort of person. That’s where he was at when he met the boys and part of that was on dark, but it wasn’t a far leap for his brain to get there and he’d likely been tehre or similar before meeting dark too. It’d get less so as he gets older but he doesn’t really chill out as a person until mid-30s and later, so basically kyle living his standardly reckless life and absolutely ending up dying before able to meet the other boys at the bar or whatever. A year or so before probably, since it’s about another year or so between here there be gerblins and crystal kingdom and i want at least about 2-3 years for darkness shit and some time before/after that. He dies and needs to get a new body cloned so starts back out at young late-teens age which isn’t ideal but there isn’t much that can be done.

On top of that, can use his friendship with dark for plot shit. Him dying in time where he could be cloned again in time to meet the bar works out, it’s probably cutting it close, but he’s set up to do it and then fucking just like everything else in every other au, doug fucking ruins it. I’m basically moving up the time frame a bit so that it’s much less time between when he loses dark and finds the boys, maybe only a month or so instead of a full year. all it’d do is make him more desperate for replacement friends. Bit more vulnerable to better explain him putting up with a lot of weird shit and these three morally-gray assholes because it gives him something to do and be heroic at while having friends and a place to stay that will temporarily be his. Still more or less a year though when he meets dark, and basically the plan was still him making it to the bar like the others, but he ran into dark a little before that instead. Maybe tries to steal from him so he sees kyle’s useful for that or genuinely just runs into him bumping style and that gets them talking until kyle shows off what skills he has another way. Maybe both, bumping into people /is/ a standard pickpocket trick. Whatever reason he’d have originally, i don’t think that would change, i just don’t think i gave a reason they stuck together yet. I. love the idea of Kyle stealing from him, take that doug you ass. You’ve stolen all of kyle’s self confidence in every au you’re in but this one time around kyle stole your wallet first! Anyway, some sort of plot convenience happens and dark talks kyle into joining him, probably guilting/blackmailing him into it or just basic manipulation, dark’s got a lot of ways to manipulate him. If the bar storyline for their history is still canon,they don’t explain how they all knew went at the right time besides barry planning some shit, but i imagine whatever it is, kyle wouldn’t trust it. If he doesn’t remember the reason he needs to do this thing himself, how can he be sure it’s legit. Sticks with dark for a while as with before before splitting and ending up in the bar that leads him to the job that leads him to meeting the boys. Thus the 12 years not needing to be adjusted i don’t think, but kyle not being one of the red robe group people while he was 8 years old.

Also kyle wouldn’t be too much younger than magnus would have to have started at, but i like him very insistent that even if they can clone him older at any point, if they can not, they don’t. Kyle low-key hates the thought of being old, he’d accept it once he was there past his 50s and later, but as a youngun, and an energetic and good looking one at that, the idea is a hard eugh. he wants to stay young. It’s part of the reason he’s so comfortable with expecting to die at a young age. Not only the bad self esteem and (in this au) missing his dead family, but like. Everything anyone hears about aging is how much it sucks. you don’t look as good, you can’t do as much, you’re much more fragile. Why would he want that? What’s the pro of that??? If he dies before he’s 30 or 40 he never has to deal with that and that’s not a bad trade off, yeah? (disclaimer: prolly nah) so like in this au if he can control how his body is cloned, like needing to update whatever dna or whatever it’s being cloned from if you want to end up being older, him not. Doing that, again, even when given teh chance to. Depending on how much you remember, there’s likely no pro like keeping levels you’ve gained. You’re just older at your start next time, closer to going gray and all the oher shit. He accidentally made it to 34 once before he died and was very upset about that. all i’m saying is that this has become twilight now because when someone asks kyle how long he’s been 19/20 (not continuously though) he can accurately say “a while” which is literally all i’ve ever wanted. I already mentioned how kyle is perpetually 19 in my head, like i literally can’t picture him as older because he resists the idea of growing old and maturing so much, so this is perfect.

Again, i’m really kinda happy with this. Still not perfect but def better. I was learning to just accept he would be outside the group and him being able to resist the relics wouldn’t be able to be explained like it likely would with the others, but this works so much more smoothly into the story, i am very glad for this idea. Thank god griffin just really wanted to bring barry back for the fans.

The only /real/ downside is it cuts out the kyle & taako exchange “I could have gone to one of your shows when I was really young but like. Stealing, mate.” “No, no, I get you, my dude.” because i really loved that. Taako wasn’t doing the shows more recently than 5-6 years ago if memories serves so that may have happened but kyle wouldn’t remember it. Alternatively, now that i think about it, i do love the idea of taako’s being famous brought up a number of times and kyle really just. Does not remember ever seeing it. Might have heard it in passing but never saw any actual shows advertised or anything like that. Kinda thoguht it was like a fucking. Fantasy world version of the candle cove or whatever situation where everyone just imagined these shows happened until actually meeting taako. Still isn’t 100% sure. I do kind of like that, just because i think that’d get >( fast for taako considering how much he values his fame. What fucking rock did kyle live under where he never even heard of taako’s show until recent years? His home town is a ways away but not that fucking far, cmon my dude. Taako knows human ages are weird but like. Kyle’s not that young right? How old are you again? 20? No, you have to have heard of it, what the fuck?

(ALSO. Barry seems to be the one in charge of how shit rolls since he has the coin thing. I mean, none of the other boys got coins telling them what to do, right? A stray thought was what if he was the only one who knew enough to handle the cloning shit so lich kyle interfering in some way or another to lead barry to dying early to get his help. I have no idea how and there’s no real reason for only barry knowing how at this point, but i like kyle being that asshole.)

#ignore this #amusing muse musings #crossovers! unlimited crossovers!#crossovers taz edition

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rezilient-m3 · 5 years ago

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9) This is another long one. I hate to write out this part because it's going to stir up old feelings. This next part is about Alex. To me, the beginning of us was amazing; it was new and exciting. He picked me up when I was at my lowest. Made me happy at the time.

Anyways, like I've said before, we met each other when he was seeing my sister S, and I had just had my 3rd daughter. We fooled around that summer, into early winter of 2012. I don't remember the last time I've seen him that time. Once, though, we met up at a bar. He was with the woman he was living with at the time too. I think I called her Laura. Anyways, we both had drinks (she wasn't drinking and had no idea about us, she just thought we were friends) So, we went back to their place. Long story short, she busted us making out in the garage after she said she was going to bed lol. Horrible people. Think that was the time he followed me and we woke up passed out in his car in my back yard. Idk. Besides the point, that's just how she ended up not liking me. He had always kept in touch though, always writing to me out of the blue, just to talk. There was always that little bit of excitement to hear from him especially when he'd admit he thinks about me still. He ended up moving from the city early the next year to a one horse town 5 hours east and bought a big, old building. His excuse was to get away from Laura. Which was always a weird story between them. From what he told me, she asked if she could move her stuff into his place as storage cuz she had nowhere to put them and he let her. Now, he always goes out of town for work, so she just moved herself in. I laughed at him cuz you can't just end up in a relationship and living with someone against your will, but whatever lol. So, they've lived together throughout that year, which is now 2013.

This is the year I had my own things going on. For one, still being with James, getting a new house for us and the girls, and school in the fall. So, this would be the year everything fell apart too. Nov, James beat the hell out of me, sister S told Alex, Alex messaged to ask "what the hell?", told him about it and continued to talk. By Christmas, I'm alone with my cousin and my little half sister. Then Boxing Day he tells me he has a truck to look at in the city and wants to see me the next day, I say sure. Then immediately regrets it, as I'm a nervous wreck when he's texting saying he was on his way. I'm sober and freaking out cuz I haven't seen him in over a year. I almost tell him to not come and make up an excuse as to why lol. I was always weird about talking to someone I like sober, it was always easy to do it when I was drinking. It was my sister that calmed me down, all she said was, "all you gotta do is open the door and say hi and go from there." Which was totally true lol. He came, I opened the door, and to my shock he was very hairy lol. He had a huge beard and big hair. He's naturally curly, but I never knew that cuz I've never seen him like this lol. But it had went okay after that. We all got nice and drunk, had sex all night until he had to go back home to get to work. Now, before you ask, Laura was still at his place BUT was supposed to move out right away. He made it clear they weren't together, she was just very stubborn as to leaving. Whatever.

He leaves, then I leave New Years Eve. Again, to remind you, I left my house to my cousin, so all I take with me is a duffel bag of clothes. My sister and I catch the bus to the next city, where our mom and her then bf lived. I ended up staying there for almost 3 weeks, not missing a day of being drunk. Alex did come out twice. He took days off just to come. At the time I didn't think of it as a big deal but later I seen how much he must've cared because he was 6 or 7 hours away and asked for days off saying he had appts to come just to spend a night or 2 with me. Cute. Anyways, there came the time where I told him I was ready to go home, which was my mum's house on the reserve, cuz where else was I gonna go? Lol. And that's when he told me to come visit him before I do. Mind you, at the time I didn't fully understand what it was he did, or why he was always working in a different town, but I agreed. He bought me a bus ticket and off I went. Fricken bus ride took me nearly 10 hours with all the layovers, so that was a horrible ride. Especially being so hung over lol.

I arrive to a semi small town, where he stays in a hotel and I have to admit, I wasn't as comfortable I thought I was now that I was spending time with him sober. It was a little bit awkward. To this day, I don't think I've ever admitted that to him. Our routine ended up being: he wakes up super early, goes to work. I'm in the hotel, sleeping or watching tv. It wasn't that much fun, but I liked him. Anyways, I found that if I drank about 5 beer by the time he got back, I wasn't so awkward. Then we'd go out for supper and go buy his munch stuff and back to the room and drink a bit more and sleep. So, that's what we did for a long time.

At that job, his shift was 21 days on and 4 days off. So, I was finally going to see his building he's told me about. (While we were there he told Laura I was with him and she HAS to leave his place now) So, I didn't get a nice message from her. Even my sister S was upset I ended up with him too. (It would be years for her to finally come around). Anywhoo, we get to his house and have fun. Of course, we both stayed drunk the whole time. Then, it was back to work and I followed again, so, back to that same routine. It goes on like this until he got laid off that spring. Mind you, we never had the conversation of us moving in together, but it just happened that way. I always laugh about that.

Next few months was good, some parts bad, but still, the feelings I had were still new and exciting. I thought I was happy. My parents finally met him in March of 2014, I finally decided I had to go home and visit. He drive me up to the closest town before he had to go to work. I remember my mum saying, "he's not even an old man" lol. James had told her I was cheating on him with an old man before and she remembered that cuz she knew it was him I was fooling around with. So, that was funny. Then, I went back after whatever shift that was.

He started to hit me. He said he's never hit a woman before but I just knew how to drive him crazy. Whatever. I stayed cuz I had nowhere else to go. I was 7 hours away from my parents and no vehicle. So, I stayed. We'd make up or act like it never happened after he apologized. Went on like this for the rest of that year. But when we were good, we were great! When we were bad, we were worse. It was a love/hate relationship. To me, I felt like I didn't with James, or anybody else. Plus, I thought to myself, for someone who is 14 years older, he can't do any better lol. So, for the life of me, I never thought he'd ever cheat. (We'll get into that in a bit, when it's too late)

I go home the end of November, while he's at a job again. I went out drinking with my sister B, her long time bf, my gay uncle and an old man who likes to drink. I told Alex the next day I didn't remember getting home. That info is important cuz I ended up pregnant in December. Found out for real after New Years. No, this was what he wanted since summer, since we went to his home province and I met his family. He wasn't excited about my news. He wasn't excited cuz to him, that night I don't remember going home, I cheated on him, so the baby couldn't be his. That was disappointing. I tried to tell him i had no one to cheat with and I would have known the next day if I did anything cuz a girl could always know. But that didn't matter. It was a shitty first few months. I refused to get a paternity test because I thought it could have hurt the baby. When I learned all I had to do was give a blood sample I thought of it. I was mad though. I didn't want it because I KNEW! And it made worse cuz he didn't believe me. When I was about 4 or 5 months I gave in to the test, only because I kept thinking about the day I had our baby. I wanted him to be genuinely happy, not filled with doubt. Stupid. So, I did. He paid like 2300 for it. Waste, cuz the baby was his, but we found out it was a boy. What really bothered me about the whole thing was he didn't keep any of this from his family, friends, and Laura, of all fucken people. I seen in his messages he still talked to her and told her about our personal shit. I hated that. So, to all of them, I must've looked like a cheater for agreeing to the test. (Karma from my last relationship? Lol)

Towards the end of my pregnancy we got the news that his dad had cancer and it was spreading pretty quickly. He asked for a layoff and we went visit him for a few days. I won't get into the mess his stepmother had caused at the time, but we left a few days before he died. He died on Aug 3rd, 2015. Our son was born Aug 16. It must've been a hard time for him. I didn't know how to be there for him. I felt useless. I was happy for our baby, though. I can't imagine how torn he was with all of those emotions at the time.

After awhile, we got into the habit of drinking again. When he was gone to work I'd always ask my little half sister, or anybody to come sty with me, usually to have someone to drink with. (I forgot to mention I had a cousin that lived 10 minutes away from me. Learned that a cpl months after moving to that town, so she was always around). Anyways, Alex didn't like it when I drank when he was gone. A total fucken hypocrite cuz we were drunks when he was home. So, the calls to the cops started. All winter through spring, he must've called on me like 4 or 5 times. Cops would come and see we were okay, like I had someone saying that they would watch him or I was okay enough that they'd leave. There were times too, after calling the cops, that he'd just quit his job and come home. So unnecessary, but that's where the resentment and shit came in. His feelings of him "having" to quit his job, and I was still mad at the paternity test and him telling everybody about it. We argued a lot. Last time he called the cops and quit his job, I left. I guess Social Services were called and told Alex I couldn't see my son unless it was supervised. Plus, he had my history with social services to use against me too. It was spring time, and our baby wasn't that old. I went home, and did what I always did: drink.

After a weekend in no reception at the cabins getting hammered, I came home on a Sunday to voicemails I didn't check until that next day. Here dummy got himself put in jail and our son in care. He got arrested for drinking and driving, putting our baby at risk and endangering, and assault of a police officer. (At the time if was attempted murder on a police officer cuz cop said he tried to run him over) it was crazy. And I couldn't do anything about my baby cuz of what just happened before I left. Stupid dummy. I blamed him so much.

He stayed in jail from April to October. While I was doing anything and everything to get my son out of care, his fucken mom served both of us with court papers wanting custody. That shocked the hell out of me. I was so broken. Luckily for us she lived in another country so she couldn't get him right away. But we decided to be together and fight against her. Especially that he had no one once his mother turned on him. So, it was up to me to take care of everything from vehicles, dogs, his bills, his lawyer, my lawyer, and all my programming. That was a rough summer alone. I went to rehab, went visit my baby as much as I could, and all the while being there for him. I found out that since we started dating, he was talking to another woman, one who he used to date when he was younger. He planned on seeing her the first time I went home in March the year before, but she always tends to stop communicating with him months at a time. Then, I found out he was saying for oral and sex before, during and right after I was pregnant. I confronted him about the callgirls on one of our calls and he denied everything. I was sick to my stomach. I didn't talk to him for over a week. It was going to be our son's 1st bday and I was on my way to visit him with my mum. I never told her why I was upset and not speaking to him, but I let him talk to him while we were with our baby. Then I went back to ignoring him. I did that until I had to talk to him about court. I knew there was no way I'd win anything if it was going to be me against him against his mom. So, I had to be in this together so his mother wouldn't win our son. I had to put all that shit aside and deal with this mess. It was so conflicting because I hated him and couldn't help but blame him, but I still, truly, loved him. By the time he was going to get out, my dad stopped paying for my lawyer and said Alex can pay the rest since it was his mom doing it. I needed up owing over 7000. Alex never paid. That debt is still sitting there. But nobody really won anything in court. Alex got out in the end of September, we got our baby back the beginning of Oct and court just stopped because our baby was in our care again. I hated his mom so much that time.

We went back to living together. We never were the same though. I still felt the hurt and resentment of everything. And I never really felt the gratitude of what I did for the both of us to get through that nightmare. We just went back to drinking and fighting. The first half of 2017 we knew we were going to try move from that small town. Mainly because our son now seen an eye specialist and required regular visits and would soon need an eye surgery. So, our goal was an area closer to the city. We sold most of our things through that summer, our camper, our skidoos, vehicles. Got rid of things we didn't need and prepared for the move. All the while still not being good. Sure, we had sex, slept in the same bed and had fun sometimes, but there was always that looming feeling of the end would be soon. With that mindset, it was bound to happen. On top of everything else, he couldn't drive because of why he went to jail, so I was the only one with a license. (I had just got mine back cuz I got a dui once the year before driving his car back from my brother's place in another city. That's another story). I only had my license for awhile. One time our son and I returned to our house from a visit from my mums and I wanted to go out with my cousin and her friends. He wouldn't let me, even though I said I'd have a sober driver. I ended u sneaking out and took off with the car lol. He called the cops and I got arrested. He denied it him being the one to call but who else would it be. So, this was another thing to resent him for, even though I was the dumbass that left while buzzed.

There was a lot of unresolved shit between us. We both knew that. We moved to a small town just 20 kms away from the city in Nov of 2017. It was November 14, we broke up and I was gone November 28. Just enough time to situate his house lol. My friend Charles laughed at me for that. This was my spiral. He still worked away from home so required someone to watch our son and he didn't want it to be me. This devastated me because I would have been okay. I knew I wouldn't have been drinking if I had my son at my mum's house. But he didn't care. He got Laura to watch our son. Imagine the betrayal I felt. She eventually moved into his place and watched our son. I remember thinking she got what she always wanted, a son to raise with him. She had said that to him before when they dated, since she couldn't give him any children that he should knock up a girl and they could raise his baby. Real fucked. Lol. But it wasn't funny in my mind. I really thought they'd end up a thing and my son would end up calling her mom. I still came visit, and Alex did let me take home my son when he was home from work. There was two times soon after our break up I came and we'd act like we were together. But we'd fight after a night of drinking and I'd leave again. It was stupid. That whole year of 2018, I barely seen my son, probably once a month, sometimes longer than that. It was rough for me.

I was on a binge of different guys and drinking more than ever. I just didn't care. It gotten so bad by summer. After every binge I'd be so hungover sick and depressed in ym mum's basement, contemplating my suicide. It seemed every time it was getting worse. I thought it out carefully. I couldn't bring myself to do it in their home, so knew it would be somewhere else. One time I went home drunk, grabbed lots of pills, went out and locked myself in the shack, was writing a draft in my email about all the shit that was on my mind, and took the pills and downed my vodka. I woke up that next morning with throw up around the side of me. I honestly never woke up like that in my life. So, to me, it was like someone or something had to do it. It scared me. Didn't stop me from drinking though. But the thing that really saved me that time was my dad. He pulled me out of his basement to follow him to the next big town to shop for his store, which was almost everyday. Then every evening, when I wasn't drinking he'd cal me to tell me he needed help. I spent most of my time with him. I really got to know him, like I hadn't before. This was amazing. I could talk to him about not feeling like myself and how sad I was. I never told him about the pills but he knew I was broken. Cuz to me, at the time I had fuck all to live for. My oldest son was in a good place, with his grandparents, my daughter's had no idea who I was and my son had his dad and Laura. So fuck my life, I felt like nothing. But that man, my hero, pulled me out of the darkest place I've ever been. He doesn't know how bad it was and probably doesn't have the faintest idea of what an impact he had on me, but he really did save me. I'll forever be grateful for that.

As for Alex and I, you can tell there were still feelings between us, despite everything. When we talked, we flirted. When I visited, he would always find a way to just come hold me. It was very confusing. When it got closer to fall, I decided I was going to get sober. Not for him, but for me. For how dark I got. I stopped drinking the end of September of 2018. I filled in a request to go to rehab in the beginning of Oct, didn't find out I was going to one until Dec. But I did drink one more time. Nov 7 I decided to go back to my mom and little half sister's city with them to visit. I thought I'd know how and was thinking of all the sober things I'd do instead of drinking. I was stupid. I didn't last 10 minutes of leaving the bar on our way. I drank for 8 days straight. My dad sent my sister J to come get me when I said I was done and wanted to come home. I broke my dad's heart that time. He told me weeks later he cried the night I left. I still feel bad for it. Anyways, Alex knew about everything. I told him i wasn't drinking anymore, that I was waiting to hear about a bed in rehab and he knew when I left with my mom and went drinking. He was upset with me. His words were when I told him I was at my mom's, "I know I have no right to be mad at you but I'm mad at you." I just laughed but I knew it was because he still cared.

That next month, in Dec, he made my year when he said I could have our kid at Christmas, just cuz he took him to his family the tear before after we've separated. And we were talking more. I never thought we'd get back together cuz in my mind we were done a long time ago. But things were clear that we were always flirting, like kids lol. Laura was still here and his mom was visiting them before Christmas. So, they were both here when I come get him. This would be the first time I've seen or spoken to his mom since the whole court thing so I wasn't about to spend any time on her. I came in, said hi, grabbed my son and left. I was scheduled to go into rehab Jan 7, so Alex had asked me if I wanted to come home, as in move back in. That caught me by surprise but I was going to. I was going to come back with our son in time to spend New Years with them and go to rehab from his house. That all changed when James called me out of nowhere on Dec 30th at like 1030. Then that's when I spent my last week with my girls for the first time in 5 years.

I could tell Alex was scared I was going to end up with James, but I knew I could never be with him again, even if I was still going to be single. So I went to rehab my scheduled date, was about 6 days in until I got asked to leave lol. My counselor told me I had a warrant for arrest from an assault charge against Alex, and I was like whaaaaa? (Which just now makes sense as to why lol. Back in the summer of 2017, Alex was working, living out of camper. We went visit and of course, drinking. Anyways our kid was crying, him n I were fighting and I was going to put our kid to bed, while waiting for my little sister to come get me. Instead, our baby opened the door, went flying out and fell on the ground. Alex claimed he seen me push him out. Of course I didn't, I was trying to grab him. He called cops and I got charged. Didn't stand in court because not enough evidence. One of the many stupid shit I had to deal with.) Anyways, it was this charge they've must have been talking about. At the time, I couldn't think of why because I thought the charge was against him, cuz they both have the same names and thinking I've never gotten charged for him before. Now I feel dumb for not thinking of it before lol. Anyways, I was told to leave until I have it dealt with because they couldn't have anybody in the facility with that kind of unresolved charge. I called my mum, then my dad and he was going to send someone for me until he asked what Alex was doing. Then, I thought, "hey, why not call him? We were sort of together." lol. So, I did, and he come got me. Laura was still in his house so that was super awkward lol. But during this time, I got to spend a weekend with him. I got to feel those feelings for the first time in a long time and to see and feel that we do still love each other. Maybe it was all just meant to happen the way it did that time. Cuz now, I was going in there with the feeling of certainty, like I had reasons of doing this and I was going to fight for us again.

Then I finished and got my shit together. I thought things would be awesome between James and I too, I thought he was finally going to grow up and my life would fall into place. Fuck was I wrong. He still has a stick up his butt about Alex and I, so I never got to see my girls again since the last weekend of rehab. Screw him. Anyways, I finished Feb 16 or something. Waited until March to realize nothing has changed between James and I. So, I called legal aid, I also applied to school. I was making steps to a better future. All the while, things were great between Alex, our kid and me. I was finally happy. Like, truly happy. I started school in Spetember 2019, my boy started prek, and I got my 1st appt with my lawyer on Sept 13 too.

My happiness was shattered when Alex got home in Oct. He was away at a camp job, gone for about 3 or 4 weeks. When he got home I opened his computer and found sites for callgirls. That was a punch in the stomach. Even Googling "can you get STDs from oral?" Like, hell yes you can, stupid. Holy fuck that was harsh. Especially that I finally felt content, for the first time since the beginning of us. Anyways, that night I read that, he was putting our son to bed, I went in, kissed my son and walked out. Luckily for me, my sister J and her bf were in the city for an appt, so I went crash there and went to school that morning. I told him what I found and he denied everything, as usual. We separated. I went home that weekend and even found a place to move into for myself. When I told him this he said I didn't have to leave and after I thought about everything, I stayed. Not with him. I moved into the bedroom downstairs and we lived like that for almost 2 months. Slowly, it got easier to talk to him as if we were friends again. Then, of course, after awhile he asked if he could hug me. Then, those hugs turned into pecks on the lips... then, I found myself crawling into his bed one morning because I missed him. Maybe I'm a sucker. Maybe I'll regret it. Maybe that was it. Idk. We were together since. And since, he's been away to work once or twice. But for now, I'm starting to feel happy again. But I still have those doubts. What if he's still doing what he was doing? I hate it sometimes.

Right now, he went to another city for the night to get parts for a vehicle he's trying to sell, so that's why I decided to do this. I told him I was writing about our story and how ugly it was and I hope he's done with all the stupid shit. He says he loves me more than anything or anyone, besides our kid, and wouldn't want to lose me again and not to worry. But who wouldn't? That was a lot he's put me through. It's hard.

Writing about these things seems amazing about how I got through them, but it could be a lie. I still feel upset and a little resentful about them. And sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk about it to. Maybe I do need someone. Maybe soon. Idk. But I'm getting through it. We're together and trying. I love him, no denying that but if anything else ever happens I'd have to be stronger than before and not take any of this type of shit again. I'm too good for any of it. I'm a great mom, and I'm trying to be the best I can be. I'm sober and almost done school. I deserve better. Let's just hope he sees this.

But I'm done for now. This may have been the longest post now. Of course, there's lots I didn't write about. I will if I need to. That that's the story of Alex and I.

Until next time. ✌

#allofme #hardlove #thisisme

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mrsbluebertgreggleson · 7 years ago

Text

“Bring ‘Em Back Alive”

-100 for Lucifer trying to get what is technically his little sister to play strip poker with him. What a classy characterization we have going here.

+10 because I like Sister Annaby's outfit.

+20 for when Lucifer flipped his eyes red and said "He's a PRIORITY" to try to spook Duma and she was... very much not intimidated. She's just like, "*sigh* *fake smile* Of course!" like he's her annoying boss. I love this angel. She'd better live.

+30 for the "You sure that's what this is about? You sure it's not... personal?" about AU Charlie because oh MAN I could feel the editors just itching to drop like 10 flashbacks in that pause. Thank you guys, for the restraint.

+5 for when Dean was getting jumped because I really wanted him to look up and see Ketch hiding behind a tree, just peering out at him and cocking his eyebrow. Dean should probably know the importance of being stealthy since he's been hunting since he was a teenager, but I'll let this one slide because Sam and Dean usually are pretty inelegant in their approach to hunting, lol.

-5 for Dean: "Where were you going to take me?" Slaver: "You think I'm going to tell you?" Dean: *shoots him right in the stinkin knee* Slaver: "AAAAH!! ... okay, all right." Like dude you are SO composed, you should be crying like a baby into that snow and blubbering out answers.

-20 because it’s weird to me that the writers explore the fallout of Gabriel’s torture trauma but not so much Sam and Dean’s. Angels canonically per S4 can’t be tortured but degraced ones can and degracing is canonically extremely painful as well, so Gabriel being traumatized I can believe, and I can headcanon an explanation on torture in Hell affecting the mind differently than torture on Earth to justify why Sam and Dean are even remotely functional, but the show itself doesn’t really touch on this and really, after all the angst and suffering the Winchesters have undergone, they really should be allowed to fall apart and build back up. It’d be cathartic for the audience. The fanficcers do a way better job exploring this and I really wish the show writers would show at least some instances of Sam and Dean dealing with their issues in the day-to-day and trying to handle it as best they can. Otherwise it’s just a Trauma Conga Line and it’s harder to care about bad things happening to them when we know it’s gonna be like water off a duck’s back and never really addressed/handled.

-20 So Gabriel faked his death well enough to fool Lucifer and also God? I'd think either one of them would be able to tell whether Lucifer was killing the real deal... I mean the fake Gabriel's death looked very permanent so maybe Gabriel created a lesser angel replica of himself to bite it so the light show would convince everyone, but... idk that explanation is not a great explanation to me, I would've preferred it if he'd really died and then been resurrected (maybe from Cass waking up, maybe somehow that woke up Gabriel too and in his newly resurrected state Gabriel got captured). I also just really like how the big explanation does not at all try to explain how presumably fully powered and crafty Gabriel got captured by Lucifer's weakest creation. I have to assume he found some spell similar to the one Crowley used on Lucifer, to enslave an archangel; it's just weird that they glossed over it so completely.

-5 Also dinging them for the “Hammer of the Gods” flashbacks. Just a little, because it has been eight seasons since it happened, but still, I count it as excessive flashbacking.

-5 because that Exorcist's girl “demon” voice was very unfitting and goofy.

-10 for "Your wound might be more serious than we thought." HE GOT SHOT, DUDE. Like TV is usually pretty flippant with how serious gunshot wounds are if they're not in the heart/head, but I'm pretty sure in real life Dean would be bleeding to death no matter where he got shot, lol. Let's assume they patched him up offscreen with some secret MoL magic trick that kept him from dying.

-5 because I'm surprised Dean doesn't fight Ketch more on the cure. I think Ketch is probably honest here, but Dean obviously didn't trust him a whole hell of a lot - and Ketch could easily be poisoning him or something. I guess he figures Ketch is his only shot, he's Ketch's ride home and route to possible redemption, and Sam and Cass would kill Ketch if he came back alone, but still, Dean doesn’t forgive easily, likes to be stubborn, and give people a hard time. It’s to advance the plot faster but still a little OOC that he didn’t at least give a token protest.

-10 because shouldn’t the BMoL already know about the Winchesters' connection to Charlie? Even though they were supposed to be all researched about the Winchesters and went through their bunker and belongings and never found anything out about her?

-30 because THERE'S the sad Dean-Charlie flashbacks. I’m taking back all my restraint points.

+5 Now I want Ketch to feel bad about killing Mick, because Mick was the only cool BMoL. Five points in remembrance, cheers, mate.

-10 because what the hell, Dean is all cool with Ketch now, even after everything? That's weird, he usually holds onto grudges like a mofo. Is it because Ketch has a thing for Mary and Dean wants someone for his mom to live with? I... wouldn't think Dean would want his mom to be with anyone other than his dad, and I especially wouldn't think Ketch. It's weird Dean is doing such a turn-around on this guy he was eager to kill. Between Ketch and Benny, I guess there's just something about washed out, dirty pocket universes that makes Dean click with the guy he's with.

-5 for Sam's Inconvenient Auto-Speakerphone Phone

-5 because Sam should’ve just fuckin hung up on Asmodeus after Asmodeus was like “DON’T YOU DAHR HANG UP”. That would've been such a power move. Just keep pissing off King Dedede while he's riled.

+10 because Sister Annaby is really pretty, dang. I do like that healer-for-pay business she set up in the last (?) episode she was in, it was a good idea for Earth-bound angels. I just wish she weren't stuck in a storyline with Lucifer because he's just... the worst (or that the had not named her so similarly to my poor lost Anna). If they'd used her in a separate role and spent more time on the healer-for-pay thing, for example, that could've been a cool nugget.

-5 Shouldn't the angels have known and called her by her real name instead of "Charlie Bradbury"?

-50 ABADDON SHOULD HAVE ATTACKED THE BUNKER, DAMN IT. She should've known where it was after her first episode, she wanted the things in it, and we got a demon break-in this episode. I’m still so mad that the writers in S8/S9 didn’t do this, and I’m taking it out on this episode! MANNN.

-30 lol Sam's like, "I'm warding the bunker!" You should always have the bunker warded, my dude! Otherwise you're sitting ducks staying in one unprotected spot.

+15 Sam and Cass were sitting close enough during Asmodeus's attack that for one second I really thought one of them would reach out and hold the other one's hand while they were dying. I don't know why I thought that because the writers would never in a million years do that, but it would've been touching (and also because it would be so funny to see the fandom explode).

+100 Don't have to listen to Asmodeus ever again, yeeeee. I'm just disappointed he didn't die via punch-to-the-heart so that his killer could pull their arm out, smack their lips, and say "Finger-lickin' good", the ultimate final and best joke.

-50 Dean's whole emotional, angry blowout at the end, Sam and Cass standing all silent and scared, and I'm just thinking of "The Thing" like, "If you cared so much, maybe you should've read more fucking books last episode to help your mom sooner, Dean." Like my dude, don’t get mad that your brother and friend restored Gabriel (he also killed Asmodeus, who would’ve killed them if Gabriel wasn’t all juiced up? and SINCE he was all juiced up, how were they supposed to stop him? I get Dean’s upset and frustrated because it seems they’re all out of options, but it really seems like he’s not getting that they’re only alive because of that, and lashing out at them because he’s frustrated, which is one of his worse character traits), another one will probably fall into your lap in like... four episodes? whenever the next big plot advancement needs to happen. It’s been awhile so I don’t remember if Lucifer got his archangel grace still or not, but I think he’s recharged by now, so they can just concentrate on tracking him down. Or hey, maybe convince Rowena to pop the Cage back open and snatch some of your Michael’s grace. I just wish character development meant addressing Dean’s anger issues so that Dean’s loved ones maybe don’t flinch and get scared whenever he gets mad. Not a good look for a heroic character.

To sum it up: Pure plot episode. We were teased the idea of Dean and Ketch in Apocalypse World saving Mary and Jack, but somehow ending up too far away (is the portal opening up in different spots going to come up again?) and saving AU Charlie instead. Dean bonding so quickly with Ketch seemed hinky considering their past; since it seems like Dean might have a snarky frenemyship with Ketch in the future like the one he had with Crowley, I guess Ketch is gonna die by the end of this season since Death Equals Redemption and we need a reason for Dean to look stoically sad. I think it would’ve been more fun to leave Dean trapped in Apocalypse World to get more POV on it for the audience, maybe see some other old characters, and reunite with Jack and Mary.

Meanwhile, Gabriel recovered enough to kill the Big Bad. Sleep well, sweet Prince. You were the only thing I was looking forward to going into the season and I had high hopes you’d be cool, and much like Dagon, you were not. Hopefully the next demon Big Bad is better - maybe a white-eyed demon, so we can find out what those were compared to Knights and Princes? ... but only if it doesn’t finish ruining the demon mythos for me. I’m surprised they repowered Gabriel so quickly since I thought they brought him back to be a fan favorite member of Team Free Will and that means he can’t be too powerful, but part of his appeal is that he can snap his fingers and do whatever zany thing he wants, which would be considerably harder to pull off if he were powerless. I’m still kinda surprised that they went the route of bringing him back the way they did, but until we see more of him, I’ll have to wait to see if it was worth it in terms of character development. Still kinda weird they never explained how Asmodeus got him.

Grade: -140 Kentucky Fried Demons in the Empty

#spn #spn live react #text post

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temporarilyinorder · 8 years ago

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all of them

1. What are your nicknames? What do you prefer to be called?- Tori, T, pretty much whatever idk2. What books on your shelf are begging to be read?- none of them lol but I do want to read on the road at some point soon, and travels with Charlie3. How often do you doodle? What do your doodles look like?- once or twice a day, and they’re mostly ink on this little notebook4. What do you do if you can’t sleep at night? Do you count sheep? Toss and Turn? Try to get up and do something productive?- I don’t do anything haha I just lay there5. How many days could you last in solitary confinement? How would you do it?- a good week or two as long as I had things to occupy myself with6. Do you save old greeting cards and letters? Throw them away?- I save just about all of them7. Who is the biggest pack rat you know?- me ha8. When making an entrance in to a party, do you make your presence known? Do you slip in and look for someone you know? Do you sneak in quietly and find a safe spot to roost?- nah I don’t really care if people are looking at me or know I’m there or whatever but they still do somehow lol9. What is your strongest sense? If you had to give one up, which would it be?- probably my eyesight, aaaaand probably my ability to smell10. How many times a day do you look at yourself in the mirror?- barely ever ha my appearance doesn’t mean SHIT11. What is the strangest thing you believed as a child?- maybe that I’d get sucked down the drain whenever my nan drained the tub 12. What is one guilty pleasure you enjoy too much to give up?- barbecue chicken anything13. Who performs the most random acts of kindness out of everyone you know?- nobody I know lol14. How often do you read the newspaper? Which paper? Which sections?- haven’t touched one in years15. Which animals scare you most? Why?- none really haha16. Are you more likely to avoid conflict or engage it head-on?- avoid it17. What was the most recent compliment you’ve received and savoured?- uhh I don’t remember haha probably something about being cute idk18. What is something about yourself that you hope will change, but probably never will?- nothing I’m pretty much happy where I am ha. I could be less stubborn but it’s not something that eats at me19. Are you a creature of habit? Explain.- uhh am I? Haha20. Are you high maintenance? Explain.- not at all. we can not talk for a month and I’d still be like “yeah we’re close”.. not unless you’re dating me haha21. When was the last time you really pushed yourself to your physical limits?- like never lol22. Do you have a whole lot of acquaintances or just a few very close friends? Why?- tonsssss23. Are you more inclined to “build your own empire” or unleash the potential of others?- neither ha24. What’s a strange occurrence you’ve experienced but have never (or rarely) shared with anyone?- once when I was little I started playing with this little girl at the beach and then her dad invited us both to get ice cream and like halfway off he beach my step dad scooped me upI almost got abducted because I wanted ice cream and like ten years later I’m here hating ice cream25. What do you think about more than anything else?- how much I fucking hate the idea of being on my own or doing anything other than just having fun while simultaneously wanting to live in the city and idk figure something else out26. What’s something that amazes you?- how the world could literally anytime, also sunsets27. Do you prefer that people shoot straight with you or temper their words? Why?- just me straight up pLEase it’ll save us like three hours28. Where’s your favourite place to take an out-of-town guest?- the cityyyyy29. What’s one thing you’d rather pay someone to do than do yourself? Why?- uhh30. Do you have a catchphrase?- “I have my moments / occasionally”31. What’s your reaction towards people who are outspoken about their beliefs? What conditions cause you to dislike or, conversely, enjoy talking with them?- I can’t staNd it.. I just wish people could like, calm down lol.. I wouldn’t care as much if people didn’t make it so pressing32. How and where do you prefer to study?- I don’t ha33. What position do you sleep in?- on my right side curled up34. What’s your all-time favourite town or city? Why?- New York.. probably because it’s the only one I’ve been to35. What are the top three qualities that draw you to someone new?- if they’re different, if they laugh at my jokes and give versa, and if they’re welcoming36. How has your birth order/characteristics of siblings affected you?- it really hasn’t lol37. If you could eliminate one weakness or limitation in your life, what would it be?- none38. If you could restore one broken relationship, which would it be?- none39. If you had to change your first name, what would you change it to?- not sure40. Do you believe ignorance is bliss? Why or why not?- I sure do haha.. cant be upset about something if you don’t pay it any attention (to be clear, this doesn’t apply to relationships lol)41. What do you consider unforgivable?- cheating and murder42. Have you forgiven yourself for past personal failures? Why or why not?- nah why should I? They got me where I am now43. How difficult is it for you to forgive someone who refuses to apologize?- mildly but I always cave haha44.Do you hold any convictions that you would be willing to die for?- convictions? nope45. To what extent do you trust people? Explain.- all too much lol, when I was 13 I met a 20 year old and we went for a joyride46. In what area of your life are you immature?- accepting things for how they are47. What was the best news you ever received?- when I was 10 I got Taylor swift tickets and I cried over the phone with my mom haha48. How difficult is it for you to be honest, even when your words may be hurtful or unpopular?- not too difficult, it’s gotten me bumped up before49. When did you immediately click with someone you just met? Why? What was the long term result? Conversely, are you close with anyone now that you really disliked at first?- my girlfriend and I just kinda hit it off and just never stopped talking, for like a year… and now we’re together sooooo :D50. When do you find yourself singing?- when I like the song that’s on lol

#mine

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