#but god DANG am I suck at dodging when he's flying

[theyellowsubmarinefanremakeblog]

Part 11

(Cut to the Blue Meanies charging across the landscape. The sub arrives just as the Pepperlanders are preparing themselves for musical battle.)

George: There’s a war on, here.

John: Then brothers in war, to the skirmish. Must we 'ence? 

Other John: Shall we 'ence?

Paul: Let's not waste anymore time sitting on the 'ence. BEATLES TO BATTLE! CHAAAARGE!

(Ringo blows a fanfare on his trumpet. They then proceed to courageously leap into the fray... and are chased by the Meanies.)

Ringo: AHH! The battle’s come to the Beatles!

(One Stormblueper brings along a bulldog.)

John: We're surrounded.

Ringo: Nice dog, though.

(As the Beatles and SPLHCB confuse the dog, cometh another song.)

SONG: Hey Bulldog

Sheepdog, standing in the rain Bullfrog, doing it again Some kind of happiness is Measured out in miles What makes you think you're Something special when you smile

Childlike no one understands Jackknife in your sweaty hands Some kind of innocence is Measured out in years You don't know what it's like To listen to your fears

You can talk to me You can talk to me You can talk to me If you're lonely, you can talk to me

Big man (yeah) walking in the park Wigwam frightened of the dark Some kind of solitude is Measured out in you You think you know me, but you haven't got a clue

You can talk to me You can talk to me You can talk to me If you're lonely, you can talk to me

Hey hey

Roar

Hey, bulldog (hey bulldog)

Woof

Hey, bulldog Hey, bulldog Hey, bulldog

Hey man

Whats up brother?

Roof

What do ya say

I say, roof

You know any more?

Ah ah (you got it, that's it, you had it) That's it man, wo ho, that's it, you got it

Woah

Look at me man, I only had ten children

Ah ah ah ah ah ah ha ha ha ha Quiet, quiet (ok) Quiet Hey, bulldog, hey bulldog

Paul: Look! Reinforcements!

John: That’s what we need. Sgt. Pepper, reinforce our music!

(And so, the final battle begins as the Pepperlanders, with the Beatles and Sgt. Pepper’s Band playing, advance.)

Cerulio: DO SOMETHING!

(Max lies down on his belly and plays dead. Frank the Stormblueper throws up his hands.)

Frank the Stormblueper: That’s it! That does it! I’m OFF! I’m done, ya hear?! I’ve had enough! I’m going back to bed! (leaves)

Cerulio: GET BACK HERE, YOU SPINELESS TWIT!

(The Pepperlanders begin to fight back against the Meanies. Cerulio whips out his pistol, points and shoots... but a flower pops out. He throws it to the ground, grabs a machine gun from the nearest Stormblueper, and opens fire, but even more flowers come out of the barrel.)

Cerulio: IT’S NO USE! THE BULLETS ARE JUST BURSTING INTO BLOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

(He then throws the gun to the ground and begins to strangle the Meanie he got it from. Meanwhile, as we see a Pepperlander playing a marching band drum and kicking a Meanie while goosestepping, Clef, Charles, Princess Pepper, Jeremy and Vannessa all jump down from the Rhapsody.)

Pepper: GERONIMO!

(They land and join the battle. A bunch of Meanies rush toward Clef and Charles, who make a run for it, but are cornered. Thinking quick, Clef grabs a large flower, cocks it like a shotgun and points it at their adversaries.)

Clef: All right, nobluey move! This thing’s loaded. I’ll let ya have it! 

(The Meanies scream girlishly and retreat, while Clef twirls the flower. Cobalt runs up to Vannessa and kicks her. Her response is to take out a didgeridoo. Cobalt takes one look, then tears like heck across the battlefield, Vannessa chasing after him. A Stormblueper and a Pepperlander run towards each other, as if about to fight. The Pepperlander suddenly turns tail and flees, while the Stormblueper skids to a stop. The Meanie stops in front of a big Pepperlander who squashes him between his cymbals. A commentator watches from the sidelines.)

Commentator: Oh my GOD, this is exciting! Pepperland is on a roll, while the Meanies... (Cut to a traumatized Stormblueper on the ground in a fetal position, sucking his thumb.) Well, they’re not having much luck, there.

(Princess Pepper is confronted by a group of Meanies, one of whom has a rapier. Meanwhile, a group of Pepperlanders, led by the Lord Mayor, roll in a cannon and light the fuse. Instead of a cannonball, a cluster of music notes shoot out and blast the Meanies, sending them flying with a bowling pin sound effect.)

Lord Mayor: Wonderful!

(A crowd of Pepperlanders scatter as Shyaman drives a blue battletank onto the battlefield. He sees a discarded triangle.)

Shyaman: Ha HA! Do you really think that will stop ME? 

(He attempts to run over it, but as soon as the wheel touches the instrument, BOOM! The tank explodes, leaving him sitting in a scorched crater, singed and still holding the controls. He coughs up a smoke ring. The triangle is untouched. Aboard the submarine, Coco searches for one particular button.)

Coco: This has gotta be the amplifiers!

(She presses the button. Immediately, the sub shoots upwards, leaving Coco behind. She watches as it vanishes into the etherium.) 

Coco: (sheepishly) Maybe not.

(Back with Clef, Charles and Jeremy...)

Clef: Quick, put your book on fisticuffs to work!

Jeremy: Ah, yes! My tome on pugilism! It comes in most handy! The results, just dandy!

(Jeremy takes out a fighting handbook and runs up to a Stormblueper.)

Jeremy: Hello, Blue Meanio! If I may... Ahem! Left to the nostril, right uppercut, right to the eyebrow, left to the gut!

(He throws a punch, but ends up missing and running into an apple tree.)

Stormblueper: Nice try!

(The apple comes loose and falls, hitting the Stormblueper on the head and knocking him out. Ringo runs to Jeremy’s aid.)

 Ringo: Jeremy!

(Jeremy looks at the unconscious Meanie and smiles. He jumps to his feet.)

Jeremy: Come on, Ringo! (skips off confidently)

Blue Meanie: RUN AWAY!

Blue Meanies: RUN AWAY!/Run!/ HAAAALLLLPP!!!

(The Blue Meanies are finally forced into a retreat as the Pepperlanders cheer in victory. Cerulio tries to rally them back into battle.)

Cerulio: Get back! GET BACK! Once more unto the breach, dear Meanies! You’re advancing the wrong way! Retreat backwards, you FOOLS!!! Get back there NOW!!! I’m not losing this nation-

(He is run over by a herd of frightened Meanies. After they’ve passed, he breaks down crying.)

Cerulio: (sobs) My kingdom for a horse! (wails)

(Who should come across Cerulio but Jeremy, who stops once he sees the miserable prince. Cerulio stops once he sees Jeremy, then dons a Slasher Smile.)

Cerulio: I think I’ll tear him up into little pieces.

Jeremy: Oh, he does, doesn’t he?

Cerulio: I think I’ll make a blue burger out of him.

Jeremy: Ha-ha, I don’t care what you think!

(Just as Jeremy is about to throw another punch, he is grabbed by Cerulio, who holds him up by the tail.)

Cerulio: Oh, you don’t, eh? We’ll soon see about that!

(Vannessa, seeing this, runs over and tries to pry Jeremy free of Cerulio’s clutches.)

Vannessa: Leave him alone, you big bully!!!

(Cerulio just snarls and throws her aside before attempting to punch Jeremy. However, the boob grabs onto the Blaumiesen’s leg.)

Jeremy: He does in truth seem quite annoyed. Some reference material, be-be-before I’m destroyed!

Cerulio: ENOUGH POETRY! I’m going to blue-pencil you, FOREVER!!!

(He succeeds in pulling Jeremy off of himself, holding him by the scruff of his neck. Jeremy reads from “1001 Ways to Defeat a Meanie”.)

Jeremy: Where ground is soft most often grows... Arise! Arise! Arouse, a rose! 

(He pokes the tip of Cerulio’s nose, and in an instant, a pink rose pops up on the spot.)

Jeremy: Ah, a rosy nose??

(Cerulio, enraged, throws him to the ground.)

Cerulio: SPEAK YOUR LAST PIECE!!!

Jeremy: Piece, Peace! Supplant the doom and the gloom. (dodges Cerulio as he pounces) Turn off what is sour. Turn into a flower and bloom, bloom, BLOOM!

(So saying, Jeremy pokes the screaming Cerulio here, there, everywhere. Wherever he touches, pink roses pop up, until finally...)

Cerulio: CAAAAARRNAAAAAAATIIIOOOOOOOOONNNNS!!!

(...Cerulio is covered with flowers. He lets out a final scream upon seeing himself.)

Ringo: First time I saw that Nowhere Man… That nobody, I knew he was somebody.

John: You’re right.

Cerulio: NOT SO FAST! (holds up a detonator) Need I remind you that there are BOMBS under this land?! (The Pepperlanders look terrified.)

Vannessa: Actually, I disconnected them before I rescued Jeremy. You push that thing and nothing happens. (The Pepperlanders are relieved.)

Cerulio: ...I don’t believe you! Once I push this, we’ll all get blown TO KINGDOM COME!

(There is a dead silence. The Beatles are not really worried at all.)

Cerulio: Very well. For the honor and glory of all of WATERBLOO!

(He pushes the button on the device. Max cringes. After a few seconds, still nothing has happened. Max cracks open one eye and looks around. Cerulio looks worried.)

Cerulio: (weakly) Ka-boooooom!

(He breaks down again. The Pepperlanders cheer.)

Lord Mayor: They’re beaten! They won’t violate our land ever again!

(Suddenly, a familiar voice rings out.)

Rita: There’s been a violation here! I’m taking Old Fred to court for desertion!

Fred: Aw, Rita, I was coming back to you!

Rita: I don’t mean deserting me, Old Fred. I mean deserting that!

(She gestures to the towed Rhapsody.)

Lord Mayor: Holy crescendo! Our national monument! How can we get it back?

Rita: Pay the fine. I want Old Fred’s hand.

Lord Mayor: Right or left?

Rita: Both, in marriage.

Coco: Well, dang!

Fred: That fine’s fine with me!

(The couple turn to leave.)

Fred: Ta-ta, Lord Mayor!

Lord Mayor: Wait, Young Fred! You’ve got to conduct the victory concert! Who else could lead it?

(The Beatles come over.)

Paul: What happened to Old Fred?

Lord Mayor: I had to trade him for a yellow submarine.

Ringo: Somebody got swindled.

George: It’s back and look at Rita’s meter!

(The meter says “LOVE”.)

Lord Mayor: What a mess. Who could possibly lead the concert now?

(Cut to Clef onstage.)

Clef: Aw man, am I gonna make this introduction. Ladies and gentlemen...

(A little man dressed in brown and pink, and wearing a hat saying “OLD BOOB”, steps onstage next to him.)

Jeremy: Ad hoc, ad loc and quid pro quo...

Clef: Wh-JEREMY?

Jeremy: Yes?

Clef: You can do that, too? Why didn’t you tell me?

Jeremy: You didn’t ask!

Clef: ...Anyway! Ladies and gentlemen, playing alongside Sgt. Pepper, direct from somewhere else, where they are absolutely something else, we’d like to present our four guest soloists: our friends! Take it away, guys!

(The audience cheers, and with Jeremy conducting, two bands begin to play.)

SONG: Yellow Submarine

In the town where I was born Lived a man who sailed to sea And he told us of his life In the land of submarines So we sailed up to the sun Till we found a sea of green And we lived beneath the waves In our yellow submarine

We all live in a yellow submarine Yellow submarine, yellow submarine We all live in a yellow submarine Yellow submarine, yellow submarine

And our friends are all aboard Many more of them live next door And the band begins to play

We all live in a yellow submarine Yellow submarine, yellow submarine We all live in a yellow submarine Yellow submarine, yellow submarine

(Full speed ahead Mr. Boatswain, full speed ahead Full speed ahead it is, Sergeant. Cut the cable, drop the cable Aye, Sir, aye Captain, captain)

As we live a life of ease Every one of us has all we need Sky of blue and sea of green In our yellow submarine

We all live in a yellow submarine Yellow submarine, yellow submarine We all live in a yellow submarine Yellow submarine, yellow submarine We all live in a yellow submarine Yellow submarine, yellow submarine