#but given that my panicked 'brain is broken' rambling is taking on a decidedly eclipse lake character again these days

[astriiformes]

My mental health is an absolute shambles at the moment and I am really at a loss, December is historically not a great month for me (not even because of the cold or it being so dark! I love the winter!! It is just the time of year I am most often plagued by incidents like ending up hospitalized due to being suicidal or having my uterus try to kill me or other miscellaneous horrors!!) but even considering, it does not seem like a great sign that I spent a good chunk of today googling things like "mood disorder mixed episodes" and "psychotic symptoms" because even though neither seems likely to be the culprit I am at just a complete and total loss as to what is going on

Like, we've got: random onset episodes of sobbing that end up turning to hysterical laughter when I try to explain what's wrong; a complete and total inability to focus on anything school related even with deadlines piling up like a fatal highway wreck (like, even worse than usual for me); The Dread™ that keeps settling in and making me feel like I'm dying... what am I supposed to do with any of this!! I have a semester to drag myself to the end of!!

--Anyways I am not looking forward to whatever this year's seemingly inevitable crisis might prove to be (especially when this whole year has been fucked since February; I have no desire for there to be some kind of terrible grand finale) but I guess the silver lining is that it seems like I'm finally doing okay at the whole "actually making college friends" thing, because after a mid-day mental breakdown that meant I missed my one on-campus class today, I decided to drag myself to school anyways and got hugs from a couple of folks, including a friend who dropped a weighted blanket on top of me to calm me down and asked if I wanted to talk for a bit which was.... comforting, at the very least, even if I still feel a bit like the downward spiral has only just begun in earnest.