#but gifting myself is a personal reward i love to do for some reason

[madstronaut]

truth can be stranger than fiction, but sometimes they also hold hands and kiss

I was gunning to post this in September but A Lot of Life™️ happened (and is still happening tbh) so despite me pouting at myself about skipping a month, without further ado - my 24th faficowrimo ramble~

every now and then, the fiction I read and my lived experiences tangle together in my head and coagulate into some interesting dreams...some of my favorites ofc are the smutty ones, what can I say I've always had an active imagination

Some of my beloved fics I note as comfort reads or cathartic reads, depending on how I'm feeling and the nature of the story...this falls squarely under cathartic for me

I will temporarily sidestep the mountain pile of naughty dreams to share of a recurring one that's always left me quite speechless that I have had the gift of dreaming about again brought on, in part, by the latest read of Service Dog Johnny by @void-my-warranty in a way that really just leaves me at a loss for words... if you'd like to get emotionally baja blasted (and also tbh once again hear me rant about my love for fanfic) with me, read on, my fellow taco bell enthusiast & traveler ✨🌮

also I am including this gif because I searched 'taco bell' as a joke and for some unexplainably fucked up reason this was one of the top gifs to show up in the list but also what a double-duty it serves as I talk about SERVICE DOG JOHNNY EH? reality sometimes really *is* stranger than fiction but also seriously wtf is going on here in this gif if you know pls DM me im afraid to google it

I started therapy a few years ago thanks to finally finding someone I trusted/specializing in my trauma cocktail *and* covered by my insurance (to my fellow americans: SHOCKER, I know, anyway fuck US healthcare and this economy but moving on) and I recall describing the early sessions to IRL beloveds/moots with some choice phrases, like:

having a sword tip poking my chest and being asked to walk further into the blade

having swallowed a large sack full of glass shards and instead of trying to remove them, realizing i have adjusted to have the bits piercing out of my body be less noticeable - not very sustainable personally speaking, let's be real

after some hard fucking work, sweat, tears put in I started dreaming about seeing that sword as a surgical scalpel instead, healing instead of harming, and that sack of glass filled with water and oil instead (really wanted to put a squirting/watersports joke here at voidy's expense but this is such a sacred thing to me but wait it's MY sacred thing and I can desecrate it for jokes IF I WANT TO OKAY) making me feel light and buoyant and seeing all my former open wounds now freshly scarred up. I'm honestly tearing up writing this out because I am very fucking proud of how far I have come... all this to say, brutal but rewarding. if you have the opp... 'walk towards the sword' my moots & beloveds 💝🫂

I have since ended regular therapy sessions and only go on the one-off times I really need the extra support, but a question I grappled with for a long time (and sometimes still do!) was "how do I know I'm healed?"

I used to think of healing as this near-mythical - and frankly, unreachable - final destination for me. but I'm learning it's more about the journey and companions along the way and the many signposts on the path marking how far I have come (and that I still have a ways to go). anyway I blabbered on here too long but my point is healing is hopefully a familiar (and necessary) journey for us all in so many ways, and I for one welcome the unexpected companions that help us take another step forward (and catch you when you falter back) *looking at you, fanfic my beloved* and SDJ was such a vivid reminder of all of this for me

I could fuck with concepts like protagonist/deuteragonist/tritagonist (had to look that third one up to see if a term even existed tbh) but the truth is for me, each of voidy's trio are written like living breathing dimensional beloveds to me in how broken and tender and loving and human and flawed and mysterious they are and each of them in their own way are so beloved to me.

I have been reading bell hook's we real cool: black men & masculinity lately (deeply enjoyed her books all about love and feminism is for everybody - i understand she is not free from controversy after having devoured a bunch of her writing but i deeply fuck with her main theories that being rooted and motivated to love and be loved at the core of our humanity needs to involve having our eyes, hearts, minds, ears, and hands open to the experiences of fellow humans, particularly marginalized + POC voices) and one of the passages discussing healing from abuse was very SDJ/simon-coded to me...

"Many males have experienced traumatic sexual abuse in childhood. It scars them for life. And when they receive the message from the culture that real men should be able to endure abuse as a rite of passage and emerge with their sexual agency intact, there is no cultural space for them to articulate that they were sexually abused, that they are damaged and in need of sexual healing."

I will say for myself, the culmination of the trio's journey so far in SDJ, simon in particular - with whom I unfortunately share some of his canon trauma and SDJ-flavored hangups and anxieties - has made me feel so loved and seen, like meeting a good samaritan (or perhaps a service dog johnny) on the road to hold my hand wordlessly saying "you too? me too." and walk part of the journey with me, even for a brief stretch.. a happy accident or eucatastrophe of meeting someone at the right place at the right time like reader and johnny have been for simon in SDJ ❤️‍🩹🫶🌿

I've heard an oft-cited statistic that in a random crowd at least a quarter if not more of the people around you, regardless of gender, have most likely experienced abuse and assault than not. Finding a space to be seen and heard re: sharing about abuse and trauma - and god forbid perhaps even healed? in the year of our lorde 2024? - has in many ways been delegated to avenues that aren't readily available to most, financially and socially and relationally speaking - even nowadays. I'm in my mid-30s and I was only able to afford therapy several years ago, despite finally mustering the courage to start looking after years of patient coaxing and support from IRL beloveds, because my workplace decided to expand our mental health benefits + insurance during covid.

beyond my IRL beloveds who have been absolutely incredible sources of support, I am not even fucking joking when I say fan-motherfuckin-fiction kept me afloat mentally spiritually socially since my madstroteens to help me feel seen, heard, loved, and healed - basically free therapy until I could afford the real thing...but even as I say "the real thing" there has been nothing fucking realer to me than the growth and beauty and joy and catharsis in reading life in its heights and valleys and finding a bit of myself in fanfic...

I've heard it said that the profound is lurking behind the absurd and I am 1000% serious when I say the very cathartic and moving tales and tragedies and romances and adventures and lessons and wisdom in FANFICTION (for CALL OF DUTY!!!!!!!!!!!! no less) is absolutely fucking priceless to me - the world didn't give it and the world can't take it away, as it says somewhere in some good books

these made up stories and characters and scenarios in our heads have held my hand, my head, my heart when I have needed it most - and helped me do so for others - and created the most expansive safe space to explore in a free and nonjudgmental way that I can't really think of a real-world equivalent other than actual therapy or times when I've felt a deeper peace and affection touch me in sacred settings or in nature or maybe playing D&D with my IRLs lol

so yes, I wholeheartedly agree that while some of the loveliest writings are drawn from lived experiences, exploring something new in fiction, like readers exploring sexuality through throuplegate tags ghoap fics or asks about aromanticism... or cathartic healing words and gestures they may have yet to hear or receive in reader's and johnny's stalwart and carefully mapped, but also spontaneous and artesian support and tender care for simon... can have just as real and powerful of an impact on reader & writer as well!

and it can be so clearly seen in the absolutely incredible reblogs, asks, comments, and headcanons and side drabbles shared if you go through voidy's SDJ tags which I also so enjoyed reading alongside the story; it reminds me of ye olden days when I was a rabid LOTR fan and I re-watched the extended versions of the trilogies in multiple iterations via the cast, director, and producer commentaries

ok before I lose my train of thought entirely here because I was supposed to rant about what I loved about SDJ and I've just been adding to this monster of a draft for weeks on end rambleranting on and on about fanfic-

the reader!!!! the reader. I have been brought to tears multiple times by her selfsacrificing affection and deep love for simon, as well as how well she is able to disarm him in the moment with her humor

the humor!!! the fucking weaponized use of humor as character tell and development in this fic... i feel (and personally use) humor as a way of visibly lowering and bypassing the armor and walls we put up around others as if to say 'see? it's safe! I feel safe around you enough to joke around and I want you to know that. i invite you into this safe space in me, with me.' and the way time and again reader, simon, and johnny uses it like a sniper shot is fucking brilliant

a random selection of some of (I write 'some' fully knowing I'm gonna just copypaste the entire fucking story) my favorite lines below:

He’s always been up front with you about his trauma, how he can’t stomach touch unless it’s non-sexual. You’ve always known it would just be only you taking care of your own needs, and it’s something you’re more than happy to accept, because you love him. But how could you even conceptualize doing something like that? Letting someone else touch you when you’re in love with Simon.

Lines like these above is what makes reader so human and real to me. 💋👌mwahmwah exponential chef kisses for your literary cookin voidy💋👌

God, why is he still talking to you like that? It’s really, really hot, but are you allowed to enjoy it? Surely you are.

right there with you dear reader, been there before 😵‍💫

His eyes are practically burning into you with some type of excitement, though he doesn't let the rest of his face betray it. It's only because you know him so well that you see the unusual gleam there, and suspect that if you put your hand on his chest right now, his heart would be hitting your palm in a gallop ... He's interacting with your sexual desire for the first time, running his thumb over the crown of your head and watching you so intently that the orgasm warming your legs is starting to feel unavoidable.

Simon's journey to re-experience sexual desire as safe and healthy and normal again...I do not have enough words 😭😭 anyway brb crying my heart goes out to SDJ simon so much i want to hold his face and dick(WHO SAID THAT) in my hands and cradle him gently and tenderly

“It won’t, love." He waits for your your fingers to find your clit again, and for your eyes to slide shut, and he whispers, "Someday very soon, you’re going to get to cum while you’re bent over the bed, and someone’s hand is keeping your head pressed nicely into the covers. You won’t have to think about anything but staying right there and getting fucked, and you’ll be able to just relax, and take it for as long as you’re meant to.”

SDJ simon, like many of us, also seems to find refuge and safe sexual expression in fantasy 👀👀

Simon just smiles at you in that warm way, the slight curve of his mouth that doesn’t have even a hint of malice or dishonesty behind it. You’ve grown to trust it implicitly. 

🥹🥹🥹 this is so tender and lovely. mwah mwah mwah I would attack with so many cheek kisses for simon and voidy ✨

“Dinnae misrepresent me to your woman. I’ve had my share of romance.” “Learned that word on the way here, did you? You know you’re supposed to keep your eyes on the road.”

I fucking live for simon and johnny roasting each other 😂😂😂

The look of adoration he’s giving you sends a burst of fuzzy pink warmth through your chest.

🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

“Simon,” you gasp, and then frantically backtrack over your mistake. “Sorry, sorry. I didn’t mean— oh-hhh my god.”

I looooved loved loved loved loved loved this slip of the tongue. one word speaks volumes <3

It’s glaringly obvious how wet you are, the bits of your underwear that stick to your ass as he works his hand against your cunt. 

ok I just want to say THIS IS SO REAL AND SO GODDAMN ANNOYING I HATE THAT FEELING LIKE THE OCEAN IS GIVING MY A WEDGIE where all my sometimes sensory issues girlies (gn) at

You figured out early on in the relationship that he loves affectionate threats of violence. 

me, recalling DMs with voidy: yes, yes this is also voidy

“He was just offered a shag, of course he is.”

😂😂😂

That gentle touch happens again, this time sending a wash of awareness though you, forcing you to look away from his eyes. You’re not allowed to feel like this when he’s touching you. This is forever off limits, that interested tingle between your legs.  Stop it, he’s just being sweet...“You’re turning me on,” you whisper. It’s what you’ve always done, any time he’s inadvertently touched you in a way that your body perceived as sexual. You always let him know, let him cut it out before it makes him feel a certain type of way. The last thing you want to do is find secret, perverted enjoyment in moments that would trigger him if he knew.  

sometimes I call reader 'saint' in my head, because I can't think of a better word to sum up her patience, love, sense of self-sacrifice, near catholic levels of guilt for feeling anything remotely self-focused, and desire to focus wholly on others' well-being before her own...and alternately, a saint is also usually a two-dimensional flat figure, devoid of needs and wants, there to absorb all the negative emotions and give, give, give...surely not a life fit for a regular-degular human girlfriend, dear reader 👀

This has never happened before. He’s never pushed himself this far, standing between your legs like this when you’re in your underwear. Why he’s doing it now, you can’t fathom, but this is his struggle. You have to trust that he won’t hold it against you if he gets too far past his limits.

me, screaming and gesticulating wildly: you can't fathom THAT SIMON LOVES YOU AND WANTS TO PUT HIMSELF OUT THERE FOR YOU TO TRY AND MEET YOU WHERE YOU'VE RETREATED LKE YOU HAVE DONE FOR HIM????

You know that’s not true. If anything, the deflection leads you to believe that he’s protecting Simon, like he told him something personal. 

something I find so interesting and perhaps a tad relatable - reader is a fucking psychic sometimes when it comes to reading others' intentions and feelings, and yet overly sus and cautious when it comes to seeing into herself (now why does that sound familar oh FUCK ITS-A ME, MARIO-)

He feels safe enough to touch himself with his friend here, but not when it’s just you? You glance back down to Johnny, heart galloping and anxiety expanding in your lungs as you make some unfortunate mental leaps.  Why did Simon choose Johnny for this? How can he be so very confident that he’ll take care of you? Has he done this before? Is this a thing they do? Simon gets a new girlfriend, and Johnny gets free sex? 

I've said this before somewhere but I theorize Johnny's presence for Simon make him feel safe for & from himself and sidenote: as a card-carrying woman I do not fault reader at. all. when it comes to her anxious spiral of thoughts here re: some men and their triflin ways

Maybe it’s just the post-nut clarity talking, but you realize for the first time that the reason isn’t because you want to keep him at arm’s length, it’s because you think you don’t deserve it.  This whole arrangement has felt like you’re living someone else’s life, someone who’s worth being looked after like this. It’s not something you’ve ever experienced before, and it feels so unsafe to venture into something new. It feels comfortable and familiar to decide that you can’t allow yourself to fully experience Johnny, that you must ration him instead, nibbling on little bits so you don’t grow too accustomed to the taste. You’ve been subconsciously depriving yourself, as if maintaining your unmet needs is crucial to making sure you don’t grow beyond the person you’ve always been. 

All of this + reader's reaction to perceiving crying as bad versus cathartic... early 20-something madstronaut, is that you

I have also wondered at the cost of arguably a huge part of herself (I believe we can and do change and accept ourselves and each other in and for love, kind of like moving but in tandem and rhythm, like a dance, but I'd argue reader in choosing simon and his particularities as her dance partner has also chosen to metaphorically tourniquet one of her limbs to do so) if maybe she is also crying out of personal grief and confusion as well. That razor-sharpness of post-nut clarity is too real... after deciding to give up her sex life as she knew it before for simon, then now suddenly exploring getting it back, and the whiplash of emotions while in an intense feedback loop of orgasms? gurrrrllll I would be bawling too, high-five

You think back over Johnny’s endless patience, how considerate and soft he’s been with you. How he went so slow the last time, giving you time to mentally prepare to be penetrated, making sure every touch was comfortable and enjoyable. And you consider for the first time that maybe Johnny isn’t just Simon-by-proxy for you. Maybe in a way, you are that, for Johnny. 

mmm, ghoapcrumbs WHO SAID THAT

Also honestly I love me some unreliable narrators (reader here imho isn't unreliable in her perspective being false or wrong but rather her deep deep love and devotion for simon can be almost blinding to other important perspectives like her own to also consider at times..) sometimes I just want to take her by her shoulders and stare her down and peptalk her aggressively just saying in increasingly louder volume "YOU ARE ALSO WORTHY OF LOVE, RESPECT, CARE, AND AFFECTION - THE SAME LEVEL, NOT NECESSARILY THE SAME WAY, YOU GIVE TO SIMON - AND THAT IS PERFECTLY FINE AND VALID"

Nine minutes and change later, you make the last turn and smile to see Johnny in sweat-soaked running clothes, propped up against a lamppost like he’s trying to pretend he’s there on purpose.

😂😂😂 "pretend he's there on purpose" WHO'S THE FUCKING DOBBER NOW

Johnny makes an acknowledging grunt and limps towards your car, and you swear his face looks a little more flushed than it was a minute ago....“Nah. Thanks for the lift.” Stubborn, and definitely embarrassed. 

oh look, pot, meet kettle...just two fucking dobbers (affectionate) who give like they have an infinite gaming glitch but hiss like those tiktok cats at the vet when they discover they *gasp* have their own needs

Johnny leans back on the couch to really look at you for the first time today, and it’s your turn to feel embarrassed. You feel like he’s somehow seeing more of you than is comfortable, and it makes you look away, towards the bright sky out the window.  “I should be getting back,” you deflect, tugging the keys out of your pocket. “I switched phones with him, and he might not like that when he wakes up.”

I can't explain how much I fucking love this first dynamic between reader and johnny sans simon. feels like watching a knifefight where their knives are their inability to just receive disguised as their sense of generosity and they keep holding themselves hostage hoping the other gives in/runs away lmao. also i'm re-reading this in later drafts and I have no idea if this makes sense sooo I apologize in advance for my latenight ramblin

You kiss him until you’re in love with his mouth...

🥰🥰🥰

also the flashback to their meet-cute (meet-wrestle?) is once again INCREDIBLE!!! as sex/touch-averse simon is, their body language speak volumes in those split-second matching responses to each others' reactions with the pendrop and the arm-wrestle tie. those magnetic "we click right away" interactions you have with certain folks is absolutely intoxicating

Simon’s not looking in your direction, but you can feel the ghost of his attention somehow, making you feel scrutinized and out of place here. You haven’t felt in place in so long, it’s like an ache in your chest.

I shivered at how good this line is!!!!! THE GHOST OF HIS ATTENTION- mmmpfffhhh

She proudly presents you with Simon’s number, scrawled in blue pen on her palm. And there, below it:  “You have lovely eyes”

my very first crush/love in high school also told me "I had lovely eyes" over AIM, made me very nostalgic 😂😂 Also can I just say laney you a real one; you went out of your way to go to bat for our girlie despite striking out yourself, a true sister indeed, pouring one out for you tonight

The sizzle of the onions begins to die as he closes the distance, and you shriek as he scoops you up into the air with a, “Where’s your fuckin knife now, you little ankle biter?”

i live for their horny-adjacent playfights

You wind back as far as you can, furiously smacking Simon’s ass with one solid hit, and you’re rewarded by his pained grunt and a satisfying sting to your palm.

fucking screeeeching

So, apparently Johnny is one of those absolute pieces of shit who can pick up any fine motor activity after the second or third try. 

I hate to expose myself like this but...*high-fives johnny*

It’s subdued now, in a way that would almost make you wonder if they’d been fighting about something, except that Simon still seems awfully relaxed. As he entwines your fingers, you realize it’s Johnny who’s bothered. Johnny, who's never bothered about anything, is now staring blankly at the TV, his eyes unmoving even though the players are darting across the field.

once again fascinated by the dynamic duos of this trio!!!! I told voidy once I read SDJ sometimes as a mystery/drama because I'm constantly edged kept in suspense about our trio's next moves and motivations

His fingers skim your jaw. “I don’t think you know… sort of… seeing how brave you are with all this. How much it helps.” 

my GOD. this plus my audible gasp when Simon finally touches reader sexually in ch. 10....beyond being incredibly sexy I also was very moved at the two (plus one) reaching this milestone and I have hornycried MULTIPLE times reading this fic

Everything these guys do feels sexy right now, and what’s worse is that Simon is sitting right across the table from you, and he’s thinking about you. It’s like he’s hit that sweet spot where he’s not so much in his head anymore, but he’s still a little turned on from what happened. You can feel it in his gaze, how it keeps wandering down the line of your shirt collar, keeps tracking the motion of your fingers while you hold your straw to drink. 

Being aware of anothers' attention and lust has got to be one of the most intoxicating and powerful feelings in the world 🥴

“Johnny,” you whine, desperate to get him to stop hurting himself. You need to stop enjoying this, you need to focus on his pain, but he’s making you forget yourself. He’s fucking you and holding your hand to the bed, and despite your best efforts, he’s making you need to cum. He’s making you hate your own pleasure, as it brings him more and more pain. 

the absolute deepdive into reader's psyche here in this little snippet is just *chef's french kiss*

When you get home that night, you take an everything shower. You paint your toenails and do your hair extra pretty, shave and lotion and basically make yourself as edible as you can be, because your baby’s coming home.  Suddenly you’re on your feet, sliding a little in your socks as you rush to meet him. He’s just finished flopping his bag onto the floor when your arms wrap around the most familiar, safe body you know, and then you’re home.

I get strong cuteness aggression vibes whenever I see reader being just absolutely adorable

You barely even comprehend how big he is, with how big this event feels in your heart.  So it’s bittersweet, seeing the aftermath of his success. You know it’s got to pain him, losing the control on his body and mind that he holds to such a standard in every other aspect of his life. He could have gone for years more, keeping a tight handle on things, dismissing the trauma and projecting that insecurity onto everyone else in unhealthy ways.  But he didn’t. He’s here, unable to even tolerate your touch just yet, with his lungs spasming and his eyes leaking in a way his father would find unforgivable. A grown man, coming to terms with his reality and letting others see his failings, people who love him. People he can depend on, not because of blood relation, but because he’s worked tirelessly to build and earn that deep kind of trust. 

🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 I basically cry-read this whole chappie and also stopped in my tracks and gasped out loud when simon asked to fuck reader and definitely got out of bed screeching victoriously with joy after they Finally Did The Deed

You gingerly sit up and do your best to keep the cum dripping down your thigh instead of onto the bed. God, that’s Simon’s cum. That’s the best cum in the world right there. 

🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

You round the corner of the hall, only to see the door still wide open, and your boyfriend with his head bent down, resting on Johnny’s shoulder. Johnny has an arm wrapped around Simon’s head and another around his shoulders, fisting his shirt and holding him tight. “That wasn’t a small thing,” Johnny’s whispering, cheek to cheek with his friend. “That wasn’t a small thing, mate.”

🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

I'll be quite honest if SDJ ended here with this incredible milestone I would've still been happy as a clam.. I believe all wins big and small are worth celebratin

It’s kind of weird that you’re here. Technically this is where you live, but all of a sudden you have this feeling of not belonging here, of being unnecessary in this moment. You feel like you’re just outside, looking in on Simon’s journey, without actually being too relevant to the path of it. It could have been anyone, really. Pretty much anybody with a heart would have given him the same kind of love, helped him get to this result. You just got lucky enough to come into his life first, but this would have played out the same with anyone. 

reader my sweet READER DID YOU NOT PAY ATTENTION TO MY EIGHT-PART PEP TALK WHITEBOARD POWERPOINT PRESENTATION OF HOW AMAZING YOU ARE? as painful it is for me to read how self-deprecating as she is here...her perspective also betrays truly how deeply she sees and loves simon in how lovable she perceives him to be (and how willing she is to give him the sort of patient, kind, long-suffering commitment and devotion I have heard mused and preached about that someone like simon, nay all of us need and want)

Okay, maybe that’s not entirely accurate. The truth is, you want to get used. You’re not even that horny anymore, you just need to feel like you’re desired and important and useful for something.

👀👀 the way voidy is fucking reading the writing on the wall of my brain/pussy is near psychic to me 👀👀

In a roundabout sort of way, being selfish right now and not worrying about anyone else might be what’s best for everybody. There’s only so much you can give. 

Your reflection stares back at you in the mirror, with freshly moisturized skin and slightly tired eyes, and you have this unexpected wave of compassion for yourself. You’re only human. You had a big day, and a significant conversation, and you made it through the hard parts. Things are going to be okay now, because you chose right. You’ve poured yourself into people who actually deserve to have you, and it will all work out somehow in the end. 

🫂🫂🫂 i love this so much

He throws his legs over the side of the bed and stays there for a minute stretching his neck out, while you remain where you are, vibrating with anticipation. Finally he sighs and glances over his shoulder at you. “Suppose you’re allowed to get excited.”

the fucking GIGGLES that erupted from me... btw PSA if you haven't deduced it already i am madly in love with droll goofy SDJ simon and his dry-ass humor

You’re limp after that, merely a jellyfish washed up on the beach. Simon thinks it’s funny, keeps lifting your wrist in the air and then letting it flop to the mattress. He can’t even see it, but finds it entertaining all the same. 

god THIS FUCKIN SCENE i just fucking erupted in giggles but also teared at simon finding humor and joy and laughter in sex again

The anger is inescapable, bordering on full-on rage, though Soap’s face doesn’t move at all. He keeps it locked deep inside, reminding himself that this is good. This is healthy for Simon. This is what he’s always hoped for, companionship and romance for his large, quiet friend. The jealously is intrusive, and he doesn’t claim it as his own.

If I could I would happily spend hours picking through SDJ soap's brain like the basement book aisles at the strand bookstore.. I had a conversation with an IRL beloved recently about how we are only jealous with the things & people that matter most to us....oh johnny boy, don't be embarassed trying to dodge one of the most common and pervasive feelings known to humanity!!! follow the thread to your interior and let it show you something about yourself 👀 (or hell that's what I try to do when I've felt embarrassed about feeling jealous)

But the thing is, he doesn’t want to fuck anyone else. Everything here is so peaceful, even with the emotional turmoil. He can feel the acceptance in the air that these two have generated, soaking into his skin every time he visits here. Things aren’t okay, and that’s somehow okay. It boggles the mind.

ah what's the phrase, better the devil you know? I also fuck with the "finding comfort and familiarity in chaos" vibes though I am trying not to have that be my baseline norm of late

He hasn’t had a hookup since he started coming here. Far less sex than he’s grown used to, and yet he’s finding himself thinking about it less and less. It’s like the obsession with the chase and the release has finally lost its grip on him, and now the connection is what he finds himself thinking about. Fuck the connection. That’s the part that hurts people, and it honestly doesn’t make sense that he’s still feeling safe about it. It must be because they love each other. It’s a convenient buffer, the reason he decided to go through with this in the first place. The line has been drawn in the sand, and he just has to hope they’ll live up to their end of the bargain.

to this I'll just say my people, my IRL beloveds, are the people who saw and accepted me as I was, for who I am - and all my changing ebbs and flows throughout the years, even at my most broken and awful, and ironically their acceptance and love and care for me while I was at my lowest is what helped me more fully return to and be myself... I believe johnny is experiencing a glimpse of that here now 🥹 I am legally obligated to throw in one of my favorite quotes on this topic which I have mentioned before:

There is a twilight zone in our hearts that we ourselves cannot see. Even when we know quite a lot about ourselves-our gifts and weaknesses, our ambitions and aspirations, our motives and our drives-large parts of ourselves remain in the shadow of consciousness. This is a very good thing. We will always remain partially hidden to ourselves. Other people, especially those who love us, can often see our twilight zones better than we ourselves can. The way we are seen and understood by others is different from the way we see and understand ourselves. We will never fully know the significance of our presence in the lives of our friends. That's a grace, a grace that calls us not only to humility, but to a deep trust in those who love us. It is the twilight zones of our hearts where true friendships are born. - Henri Nouwen

Simon did it. It took years, and an angel of a girlfriend, but he fucking did it. It’s simply indescribable, the burst of hope flaming to life in Johnny’s chest. Good things can happen sometimes out of nowhere. Sometimes, in a random bed in a random city, the universe can push a piece back into place that was missing.

this has to be one of the most beautiful lines of prose I've ever read

You enjoy how safe your body feels with his touch, how it’s no longer a thought in your mind that he’s doing this out of pity. You’ve formed this strange sort of sexual bond, and friendship, and it makes sense to your pussy that he gets to touch it whenever he wants. 

ah, thinkin with the puss, we've all been there dear reader *pats the puss sagely* also such a simple sentence but one not to be taken for granted - no matter how hardcore the kink, feeling safety with your lover's touch is so so baseline important and crucial 💯

“Mhmm,” you tell Johnny, drawing out each syllable in a slow, breathy voice. “So sweet, and thoughtful, and you smell really… Mmmm... Really good.” Johnny raises his eyes to the ceiling, inhaling a long, frustrated breath. For what reason, you can’t imagine, because you’re certainly doing nothing wrong.

I am laughing my ass off because since first reading this voidy updated the chapter with the lovely @gorsime's incredible SDJ fanart and please, scroll down to the end of the chappie (ch 17) if you haven't seen it already

The guilt does start to hit a little, as you get dragged onto your actual boyfriendʼs lap, and a less-scruffy mouth presses to your cheek. You're being selfish. You've gotten too used to your wants being met, and you really need to dial it back down to just needs. This is simply a wakeup call, like hello, hereʼs reality, sometimes your own fingers are all you get, and thatʼs okay. 

I have wondered just how much of this was loosely choreographed & planned by johnny and simon for dear reader 👀

Up until now, sex with Johnny has been somewhat casual, and you haven’t embarrassed yourself too badly. But things are always different, when it’s Simon. Suddenly your heart’s in it. Suddenly your brain is pushed to the side, and all you can think about are brown eyes and big hands, and being as good as you can possibly be. And you’re unused to the feeling of having Johnny nearby when you’re so focused on giving yourself to Simon. 

once again, just deeply touched (and turned on) by the evolution of reader & simon's sexual relationship (good boy johnny)

He watches your eyes while his fingers trail down your belly, and to your utter shock you suddenly feel them on your pussy.

once again fuckin screamingggggggg! sometimes when you're in it for the long haul after seeing someone's borky bits and pieces, you'd be surprised how a bit (or more) of tender, trauma/person-specific love, kindness, care, and unusual paths of healing can have in speeding up the process of recovery...so much so that it can seem like a whiplash when you've resigned yourself to an eternity of seeing yourself/ur beloved as wounded/hurt and suddenly (but really not so suddenly!) you both meet A Healing/Healed version of Them/You - is this 2.0, or someone new? who knows!!!! what an adventure (it is currently 2am on a weeknight and I got work tomorrow as I ramble but I AM ON A ROLL also I made the mistake of telling voidy weeks ago that I thought I was gonna post this and hoo boy i am paying that price)

“Why don’t you go see Johnny?” Simon murmurs, giving your forehead one last kiss. “Get you something better than fingers.” “I think you should let her have something of yours,” comes Johnny’s voice, before you can begin to form a reply. “Cross my heart, I won’t look.”

literally yelled out loud omg HIS DICK? IS IT HIS DICK? HOLY SHIT SIMON'S DICK?????? the first time I read this

Your lungs know it’s happening before anything else does. They expand and then hold, and the next drop of your hips feels so good, as something deep inside you turns itself inside out. With a debilitating roll of sensation, you let out a pained cry and feel your cunt begin to brand itself onto him with pulse after pulse of your release.  It streams down your limbs and explodes in your belly, and it’s Simon who’s got you this time.

this is pure poetry!!! also something deep inside you turning inside out and streaming down your limbs has got to be one of the best descriptions of an orgasm ive read tbh ive only reeaally experienced a full-body endless orgasm after a ton of edging (like at least 15 min) which I don't have the patience or stamina for anymore ;-; but I still think about that One Magical Night from years ago when I did achieve this

It almost hurts to cum on something that big, but it’s a good kind of hurt.

🥴🤤🥴🤤 mmm iykyk but also yes, prep prep prep preparation is key

Your hand climbs up to his face, but instead of the rough five o’clock shadow you expect to find, the first thing you feel is something wet. He twists his face away, but it’s too late. You felt that line of dampness on the edge of his jaw. His fingers begin to stroke your hair, so you comfort him too. You run your hand across the muscled line of his shoulder, wishing there was something you could say to make it better. Maybe someday when you’re better with words, you can let him know how it feels to have him connected to you like this, to have both of your hearts wide open and witnessing each other. But all you can do right now is caress his neck and plant a little kiss on the skin you can reach, and whisper that you love him. That he’s doing such a good job, and you see his efforts. You see him. 

🥹🥹🥹🥹 AAAAND JUST LIKE THAT I AM CRYING AGAIN GOD THIS HAS TO BE SOME KIND OF NEW UNIQUE KINK IVE DEVELOPED WITH THE EMOTIONAL WHIPLASH OF THE HORNYCRYING OF IT ALL

“Doin’ alright?” he asks, hugging you back because he’s a very nice person. 

I am so so curious what soap was thinking as he witnessed this little miracle (which came about in no small part thanks to him, that soap, such a saint he is, so kind and selfless and giving and- *cut off by loud explosion*)

You know now, why he didn’t let you cum before. He let you think he was being mean, in order to give you an experience you never thought you’d have. Johnny gave that to you, for no reason other than he knew it would make you happy, and he was the only one who could.  The noise he makes when you take him into yourself is so Johnny. It’s half groan, half breathy laugh, mirroring the way he seems to see his sexuality as a game. He just wants you to play with him, that’s all. A little tug on his hair, a little smile while you kiss him, he eats it up. So you do it. You play with him for the noises, because he likes it. You can’t get enough of him, that’s the problem. Yeah, the sex is fun, and necessary at times, but you just like having him in your house. You like those hands that never hurt you, the sunshine in his voice, those eyes that know when to pretend they don’t see things. It’s just who he is. 

that post-nut clarity kickin in for reader I see

“Johnny, I like you.” You just barely catch the way his smile drops away, as you take him into your mouth. He’s in it now. No more flirting, no more foreplay. He’s ready for you to get him to your throat, and let him cum in it.

no noo too much post-nut clarity GO BACK READER GO BAC- 😂

“You don’t get to decide that what people need are the things you want them to need. Tea?”

HAHAHA SIMOOOOOOOON TENSION DIFFUSER EXTRAORDINAIRE

I just want to say, shoutout to all my girlies (gn) who can come from a shower head; that shit is just too laser-focused for me to get off 😵‍💫

The way you’d cried and cried over that. It hurts so fucking bad, missing him the way you do, while knowing there’s really no legitimate reason to feel sad. 

no legitimate reaso- GIRL HE TURNED YOU INTO A LITERAL SHOWER HEAD, JESUS HIMSELF WOULD WEEP-

He gave and gave, and in a weird way, it left you feeling used. It feels like he stole something from you, by not opening himself up in return.

✨oh, familiar pathways of coping and perceiving trauma responses, is that you✨

“Alright.” You hold the damp towel to your chest and stand there with a few feet of distance separating you, and give him the truth. “You don’t feel safe with me if Johnny’s not in the picture, and I don’t understand why.”

there's got to be something poetic about reader having this convo while butt nakey

What’s he playing at? He’s just standing there, looking at you like you’re something new and interesting. Like he’s redrawing some kind of perception in his mind, and enjoying the outcome. 

not even gonna lie, started crying reading that last line ruminating on how far simon has come... 🥹🥹🥹 so proud of these little freaks (supremely affectionate)

“You’re trying to turn me on, but tough titties, I’m already wet.”

reader is basically horny shakespeare to me 😘👌 fucking love her humor

“You’ll tell me if there’s anything you don’t like.” “I will,” you promise. He brings his mouth down to give you a kiss. “...Even if you think it’s something I want.” “You don’t get to have fun, only me,” you recite with a smile.  “Good girl.” You get rewarded with another soft kiss, and a firm circle over your clit. “Might have to fool around a bit, it’s been some years for me.” “I have my appointments cleared for the rest of the night.” “Mmmm.” He takes in a long inhale, curling his finger around the gusset of your underwear to start tugging it off. “I like you.”  ‘I like you too, baby.”

ur not crying im crying i mean wait what aNYWAY this is my umpteenth readthru of this because this fucking chapter!!!!! my god I was speechless the first few times around and in some sort of holy awe and pride and joy and deep in the feels from he SEX!!! THEY HAD SEX!!! WITHOUT JOHNNY AROUND!!! (but really, I see and hear echoes of johnny in simon's newly gained sexual confidence around reader 👀👀👀)

“Yeah, stuff it. What I bloody well mean is, I thought we’d have time. Because you and me, it’s… it’s going to be a long thing. And I thought we’d get there eventually, and we have.”

🥹🥹🥹🥹

“I won’t,” you promise, running your thumb across the scars on his cheek that you have to consciously notice to even remember they’re there. He’s just so beautiful. It’s not an opinion, or something you’ve talked yourself into, it just is. Some people will look the same however long you know them, but every now and then you meet a Simon Riley who’s just so wonderful that their face turns into something perfect in your eyes. 

I love them both so much 🥹🥹🥹🥹 is this not what love is, how reader sees simon

So apparently post-nut clarity Simon is fucking annoying.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

It makes you wonder if something inside him died tonight. Something other people put there, and you both just decided to kill it, because it was time.

once again...pure fucking poetry that has again, left me hornycrying...and again I'd die happy if this fic ended here. i mean, purely sexually speaking, hast thine service not been fulfilled here, loyal johnny boy 👀

I have a friend whose family used to raise seeing eye/service dogs on her farm growing up (yes yes I know her fam could've be doin numbers on the clock app today) and talked about how the training to weed out which puppos were eligible was clocking the ones who could most suppress their instincts & nature to obey and pre-empt needs in their obedience.... everytime I see one out in public I am always a little in awe of how professional it is but also a little secretly heartbroken at the same time for that little puppo that was trained out of itself so early...maybe projecting a little but sometimes I also feel some type of way at seeing that line boasting that Johnny is the youngest SAS recruit as his claim to fame also why i love 141 AUs so much where they are living their best civilian life untouched by war

He’s talking about something inside him, something that settled wrong in his heart today. He saw something about himself that scared him. Maybe it was something new, or maybe it was old and buried, but it violated his personal code in some way. There’s nothing you can do about that. You can’t reach into his chest and dig it out, as much as you wish you could. All you have are your eyes, looking at him now like he isn’t a monster at all, and he never could be.

this incredible fic is still ongoing but I am reminded in so many ways how powerful a simple word, a gaze, a touch, can be in reaching out to share and extend a bit of healing and love - and if that's too lofty a goal, then just to offer acknowledgement and presence.

I think of how much both reader and johnny and even simon with reader shortchange themselves so much throughout the story so far and yet the fruit of their consistent presence in each other's lives is so fucking masterfully crafted and yielded in the latter chapters in the most cathartically rewarding way. I know I am changed from reading about their tender and patient kindness and humor for each other so really to all the people moaning 'bout throuplegate let's be honest this is more of a polycule if we consider simon, reader, johnny, you, me, and voidy 😂😂😂

I mentioned approximately 17 years ago when I first started writing this ramble on asking, "how do we know when we are healed?"

my therapist and I had long, long chats about 'neuroplasticity,' but I knew it when my heart & mind & body responded to it all, combined with the love and support from my IRLs, by replacing one of my persistent nightmares with a new recurring dream - it's been a while, but I dreamt it again after reading SDJ the first time around, and I woke up smiling and crying thinking of simon & reader & johnny & voidy & you <3

I am sitting in a large patch of sunbeam streaming in through my window. my body, normally covered with blood and torn skin and shiny bits of glass leaking out from my wounds, looks different. As I sit in the sunlight my entire body becomes transparent, like oil, or the clear wax of a long burning candle. I become soluble enough to see all those jagged shards inside me and begin easily plucking them out one by one. I see now it's not just glass but claws, teeth, nails - old memories, but all still leftover and festering inside me. I wonder at the source of this change and notice where my heart would be is a wick, and sitting in the sunlight has lit it aflame. as I watch my body become clearer and clearer, I see the rest of all those shards fall out and my wounds softening, blurring, closing up. I move out of the sun and get ready to venture out. My heart still glows and burns steadily, and I remain solvent. Some people reach out with claws, teeth, nails - and find themselves horribly burned by the hot oil as they swipe harmlessly through me and leave no marks. Some people reach out with open hands and arms, and find themselves softening, melting and old wounds and scars under their skins blurring and closing up. I am envisioning where i used to see broken glass inside me, whole, healing, filled with light and water. Like a sunrise and morning inside me. 

all this to say, to voidy, and my fellow readers, and fic writers in general - thank you & I love you, for holding my hand and making my days and night a little bit softer & brighter 💛💚❤️‍🩹🌿✨

my fucking god I really really am genuinely contemplating making an invoice to submit to my insurance so that voidy can be duly compensated for tangibly contributing to my positive mental health and growth this year ✨✨✨ mwah mwah mwah mwah so many aggressively affectionate playfully nonromantic chef's kisses for you 💋💋💋 mwah mwah mwa mawh-[devolves into snoring from writing most of this in the wee midnight morning hours between colds, flus, traveling, tears, conventions, funerals, zooms, trains, planes, podcasts-]

A fuckin timely banger of a read from this morning’s commute:

“A sacrament is when something holy happens. It is transparent time, time you can see through to something deep inside time. Needless to say church isn’t the only place where holy happens. Sacramental moments can occur at any moment, at any place, and to anybody. Watching something get born. Making love. A walk on the beach. Somebody coming to see you when you’re sick. A meal with people you love. Looking into a stranger’s eyes and finding out they are not a stranger’s. If we weren’t blind as bats, we might see that life itself is sacramental.” - Frederick Buechner

🌿🌿🌿 thank you stevie for being my latenight crooner and ramblin companion

[moodymisty]

Hi, it’s Lorgar anon crawling back in your askbox like some kind of vermin. The way you write is just so gorgeous that I can’t stop myself from unleashing a follow-up headcanon ask to what you’ve written. Sorry in advance:

Lorgar, as you have said, has the tendency to vehemently worship. But I’m now thinking of the implications of that on the worlds he conquered. I mean, isn’t he already walking around and preaching about how much of a god his father is? What’s stopping people from starting to view you in the same light?

Because if the son of god treats you as an equal and calls you beloved, and if his sons call you “mother”. What’s stopping some agri-worlder from speaking your name during a prayer? I suppose it’s only natural, it’s so obvious to them that you’re holy.

Basically what I’m trying to say is you might accidentally become a folk saint.

Did Lorgar start it? Probably not, or at least he did it by accident. Does he encourage it when he finds out about it? Maaaaaybe. Just maybe. He can have a little bit of worship, as a treat.

Cue to you taking a trip to Monarchia and seeing a little shrine in the corner of a temple that is definitely of you (but with a halo or something). And you’re like “Lorgar please explain”. And he’s like “Let’s not explain this in front of your worshippers”. And you’re like “my WHAT-”

Well, this x reader idea is all fun and games. That is if The Emperor never found out about it. Because if he does then ohhhh boy do you have a second terrible father in law on your hands! You sure as hell wouldn’t want that to happen. But i'm sure he’d never pay attention to a planet such as Monarchia, right?

Right??

I've always sort of leaned into this idea with the Lorgar fics that he loves to worship his beloved, but it's a precarious pedestal you could fall off of at any moment. Lorgar is fickle at best, and with people like Kor Phaeron and Erebus whispering in his ear.

And in the eyes of people below him, either his legion or the people of Colchis, if he's that way to you, then clearly you're something they should pray to as well, right?

If their Primarch, lord and master, whispers praises to you and receives love in return, if his sons call you mother and raise their swords at the slightest danger, then surely altars in their homes, mumbled kneeling prayers and rosaries would earn your love as well?

Worshipping a Primarch is one thing, and even if this is 30k and they're far less treated as gods as they will be, they still see them as something beyond them. So anything attached tends to get similar treatment.

But his human lover isn't that far beyond them. You were chosen, gifted by a father or picked out from a crowd of dedicated worshipers (the story twists and changes depending on the person telling it) and rose above all the rest. To his people that is attainable, that faith has rewards.

Needless to say finding out that it's a thing let alone that Lorgar is in some way unconsciously (or consciously) encouraging it is quite the shock. Though you more than likely have little chance at stopping it at this point. You at least can get somewhat used to it, as long as no one goes absolutely insane about it.

(Lorgar also loves all of this. One of his favorite nicknames for you now is that you're his little goddess. It's usually used in more, intimate scenarios however.)

The Emperor finding out... yikes. Yet another tally for him in the reason why he's going to burn Monarchia into ash. He might take note that you aren't the one encouraging this, but at the end of the day, you and Lorgar are lumped into the same pile now.

[eighties-goth-suicide-note]

🎀

♥️

🔮

🌘

☂️

🍒

🍓

🥩

🥀

🌸

🌺

💖

💘

💌

💋

⛓️

🔪

answer to every single one or im using the last emoji to unalive myself

Hello my little Dove ♡︎

🎀 - How did you meet your Darling?

Well. . . . we met on a dating app ^___^' not our proudest fact but ... we fell in eachother personalities and were in a 3 day online relationship before seeing eachother!! thats so adorable

♥️- What's your favorite thing about your darling?

Beutiful, long eyelashes....and ocean blue eyes.. *blushes cutely* I also think that you have such kind and delicate soul but also the other half is filled with pure insanity and possesivness!!

🔮- What is your ideal date?

I just need your presence Darling, but im weak for forest, picnic dates, it would be so nice to admire the beauty of the nature with you! Juts imagine how lovely the birds would sing just for us, lonely in the woods. I have very good orientation in field, so taking you to a meadow deep in the forest wouldn't be a problem for me. We would have a delectable picnic with pastries I prepared all by myself and then I would try to paint you or play a song for you!! I also love museum dates . . . im a sucker for culture, I just find humans so interesing, I can watch paintings and wander what was the point behind it? Or watch some artifacts and imagine people, just like us, but many years ago living their little lives! Just like us now, we are also living little lives that take part in big history ! Ahhhh I can ramble for you for hours ! (´｡• ω •｡`)'

🌔- What is your ideal yandere/darling scenario?

I am drolling everyday at the thought of getting creepy letters.. .. ones are full of pure love, how my stalker wants to marry me, thinks im beautiful porcelain doll, they need me like oxygen, other with just lustful disgusting thoughts!! and the last - possesive, dangerous ones!! How im being stalked, how they love taking pictures of me, how they will kill all tthe people i talk to!! nhh g h g hh being followed would be sooo sooo scary i would be sooo terrifed that i would stay in my room and and then you would break into it because you will miss me soo much!!.. also kidnapping.. heh do i need to say more..

for me being yandere, i would find your scared face so adorable! You cant even imagine how awful i can get! i play the role of weak, petite doll for a reason, one day i will lock you up in my basemen . . . or maybe just put collar on you and chain you to the wall so i can see you right after entering living room. . . ahhh... . . to have my little pet waiting for me after a long day . . . i could do anything i want, the good and the bad, , that would be so fun to have you all defendless.. i could just put knife to your neck, scream at you . . ohh ho i would love that salty tears!! I would lick them off without second thought. And you would succumb to all my orders!!! you will be my pet and i will be your master ^__^ But with my harsh traning.. comes rewards, you will be the one reciving attention from me, i would shower you with kisses, make you homemade meals to watch your health ! It would be our little secret. I will be the source of all your happiness, sorrow and fear.

☂️- Do you have a rainy day plan for you and your darling for when you're stuck inside?

My darling playing brawl stars and hugged in his arm reading some good book and drinking hot tea ! (〃＾▽＾〃)

🍒- What are your yandere types (if you have them)?

I have them all in my bio silly... . but im both sadistic and masohistic... it just depends how im feeling :3

🍓- What is your favorite yandere trope or stereotype?

STALKER X VICTIM, the obsessive possesive ones, or when darling gets mad at yandere and they start crying, begging for forgivness on knees mnnn.

🥩- What is your favorite metaphor for love?

“The moon is beautiful, isn't it?”  ִֶָ☾ ⟡ ݁₊

🥀- What would you gift your darling for a special occasion?

lego. or maybe some game... or flowers..because a beautiful boy like you deserve whole bouqet!

🌸- What is your least favorite yandere trope or stereotype?

really dense/oblivious love interests.. i like when yan hides for beggining, sends anonymous signs, ther darling gets so paranoid and then - yan catches them like a wild animal ^__^

🌺- What are you and your darlings respective aesthetics?

I adore gothic, dark academia, dark aesthetic... and my bf is just geek >w<

💖- Would you donate your organs to your darling if needed?

YES. But im afraid im to small for him >___<

💘- Do you have a future plan for you and your darling?

Yes, I can wait for you to finally be in the same uni as me and live together my love :3

💌- What was your first introduction to the yandere community/how did you find out you were a yandere?

Since I can remember I was a fan of dark fiction, I remember I found a stalker au usuk.... YES I WAS A HETALIA FAN. and also THE pregame saiouma fanfics... i have cluster B disorder so intense feelings for my favorite person was always a thing, but before my little lamb it was only platonic.

💋 - What is your love language?

Acts of service? Im busy girl so I always get happy when someone does little things for me. Quality time, I want to spend every second building great memories. Also getting long messages about devotion to me.

⛓️- What would break you?

Getting cheated on.

🔪- How far would you go to express your love?

Im capable of hurting myself or deleting everyone from my life just for one person. ( ❛ᴗ❛ )

Ahhh it got longer than i thought, I hope you enjoyed reading all of this sweetheart!! I hope you will send me more anons or repost more insane things i wuv you (〃＾▽＾〃)

[togglesbloggle]

Just musing out loud-

One of the gifts that time brought for me, ish, was a reduced interest in labels for myself. Reduced-not-gone, because humans love a good sorting hat, but definitely not what it once was.

It's most obvious in media, like with those YA books that routinely have explicit caste systems or divide people up by thematic groups, or with video games that let you pick a faction. But it sneaks in to real life too. Like, take the famed Tumblr* neogenders/neosexualities and proliferation of flags. It is, of course, unironically fun to watch the ever-increasing fractal complexity as people chase the questing beast of a coherent taxonomy of sexual nonconformity, and I think the people that do so often find it very rewarding. But I watch mostly as an outsider, because the whole thing is answering questions to which I already have satisfying answers in my own dialect- at least insofar as it comes to how I think about myself. And what's true in the narrow case of Tumblr's culture has some far-reaching impacts on politics as a whole, as you might guess.

It's not that I find the castes/factions/neogenders themselves uninteresting- almost the opposite really. I like exploring and thinking about them all, but in a way that doesn't trigger any questions about me as an observer; the 'me' in my sense of these things is a fairly high-inertia construct, one which doesn't really deform much in the presence of exciting new taxonomies. They tend to show me much more about their authors than they do about myself, though as always there are exceptions. It's like seeing a new map of a place you know well, where you're not so much discovering the territory as appreciating a new view of things through the eyes of someone else, a pleasure that follows from an appreciation of the cartographer's choice of framing and the cleverness by which they drew the lines.

The reason I say 'gift' is, most of the benefits of that sorting-hat instinct are front-loaded; a map, any map, is worth it's weight in gold when you're new to someplace. It helps you find a community where you can thrive, it helps you communicate with others and build shared expectations. But especially once you get a little bit more used to things and learn how to get around without a reference sheet, labels are a double-edged sword. There's no perfect label that can really capture a human person, leading to all manner of suffering as we try to conform to the labels we find ourselves carrying, and we can fall down a really deep hole if we start trying to treat those labels as the axioms from which a human is derived.

It also becomes clear, with the benefits of distance, that while a lot of my exertions in label-making felt like introspection at the time, they didn't really manage to be introspection. Introspection, I think, would have been a little more about my identity as a thing-in-itself; after all, it revolves around the question "who am I?" But a curious fact about these identity groups is that they're meant to be comprehensive; every single student at Hogwarts is placed within one of the four Houses. That is, playing around with these things isn't a matter of asking "who am I?", but rather, of describing the society in which we find ourselves, and our relationship to that society. Ruminating about the proper label for ourselves is asking a different question than introspection does: "where do I belong?"

A good chunk of what I thought was self-discovery was, in hindsight, something closer to self-consciousness. Trying to figure out how to be seen, how to be known, how to take up space in a social world where all of those things can be very high-stakes. But I seem to have stumbled in to a degree of equanimity with myself regardless, so I suppose no harm done. Probably you need to chase both lines of inquiry in parallel, but I think it would have helped me at the time to realize that they are fundamentally different questions.

[caramelmachatwo]

Losing deserves a trophy

an underrated life lesson

Nobody teaches kids how to lose despite it being an unerring cycle of life. Why must we only praise ourselves when there's something worth rewarding?

My family has always encouraged me to do my best so that I can succeed in life, and I listened. I was gifted with being a natural at playing instruments. I picked up the violin when I was 9, a guitar when I was 13, a piano when I was 15, and some kalimba, uke, and flute in between all those years. Though some made me confident, not one made me feel like I could keep playing it forever.

It made me question my love for music. It felt like I was losing the only part of me that was good at something.

Though instruments were there for me, so were some people. Specifically, one person. They taught me to be comfortable in my own skin, live life a little more, and essentially be free. They were the complete opposite of me, yet they taught me how to be more like myself. And when I lost them, it was one war that I completely won—I have never been happier to lose someone. Fortunately, I didn't "get rid of them," but rather, I outgrew them. I loved this loss.

Losing is such a fickle word. Why isn't it rewarded just as much as winning?

You deserve to eat even if you failed a test. You deserve to rest even if all you did was five minutes of studying. My god, you deserve to be taken care of at your worst. How can you be so cruel to yourself, knowing you have experienced hell and all, alone? You tend to focus on being number one all the time, you forget that bringing yourself up to try was the hardest part, amidst the mystery of the future.

What would life be if you had no courage to attempt anything?

Generations today fuel their egos with academic validation, money, or the number of people they've fucked. When did life get so odious and revolting? Why does it matter if I haven't dated anyone? Accusing me of being scared and unlovable when you yourself haven't got the backbone to confide in your own solitude. Afraid to lose everyone's worship, you restrain yourself from pursuing the things you find compelling. Don't antagonize me because I'm brave enough to be completely shattered and do it again.

Maybe I'm a hypocrite for writing this since I'm doing quite well in my life, but if you look deep within my heart and seep through my soul, I'm not very good at living. I keep things to myself and see vulnerability as an imposing threat when that's what makes us completely different from other creatures. We were built to say what we endure.

I just kept trying until it didn't matter. None of it did. No embarrassment or shame should make us cower from being known by someone. And even now that I feel enlightened with who I am currently, there are days when it does feel gloomy and unlucky. I say all these things, yet no one understands. But then again, why stop for a reason you find enthralling?

Yes, you will lose sometimes—most of the time—but I learned that it happens to all of us. We have lost and will keep on losing, but we have our dreams and questions. You must go on.

[monsters-pokenursery]

hey all! this is a blog in the making for a free pokemon adoption/trading "service" i want to start offering.

whats the catch?

well... nothing. for real.

this is something ive wanted to do for a while, and the latest controversy involving TPCs banning of tournament players for having hacked mons kinda has me motivated to finally do it!

the sad reality of competitive pokemon is that, despite how far the game has come in terms of QoL features, its still just not accessible to everyone. not everybody has the time to spend on catching, breeding, and training competitively viable pokemon, particularly when the meta is ever-changing; whats meta today isnt guaranteed to still be meta a month from now. its hard to keep up!

pokemon showdown is a great tool. for many, its where they play competitive pokemon exclusively. but if you want to compete in live tournaments/events, you need in-game pokemon. many people, understandably, simply use hacks to get the mons they need to compete. i see nothing wrong with that, personally! the pokemon themselves are exactly the same as any "legitimate" pokemon. but if TPC keeps cracking down on those who do, then more and more people who dont have the time to obtain battle-ready pokemon through legitimate means (or simply hate the tediousness) are left unable to compete. i dont think thats fair.

as for myself, well... im a person with... a lot of free time, ahaha. im disabled and unemployed, so ive got plenty of time to play pokemon. i also really enjoy raising pokemon! breeding, EV training, etc... i find it soothing and rewarding. so i figure, hey, why not put that to good use and help folks out?

what im offering is to help breed, train, and trade pokemon to those who want them. id love to adopt out some of my own extras from breeding projects too! it feels sad, just having them sit in a box in pokemon home when they could be a member of somebodys team, help people complete their pokedex, be a starting point for those whod like to breed their own pokemon, etc.

i may also offer some rare pokemon, like legendary, transfer exclusive, or just generally difficult to obtain ones. im actually in the process of "farming" mew on a spare save from the ongoing mystery gift event, ahaha. ive also got the means to get as many kubfu/urshifu as i have the time to replay swsh from!

basically: i want to give you cool pokemon for free for no reason other than i like playing pokemon and making people happy.

welcome to my nursery! :)

[calico-heart]

10 fandoms, 10 characters, 10 tags

Basic rules: choose 10 fandoms that you are part of/support, and choose a favorite character from each of those. Then, tag ten folks!

Thanks for the tag @briar-ffxiv :3 idk how i'm supposed to pick a single favorite out of all these tho cries. Obvious fandoms are up top, but some (maybe. a little.) less common ones show up further down!

FFXIV // Alisaie Leveilluer

I think she's one of the most dynamic characters in the series, and I love love love seeing her come out of her shell as the expansions go on. Her personal arc focuses so heavily on surviving grief and learning to keep an open heart even when faced with loss over and over again, and I appreciate how well that ties into the main storyline, too.

Fallout 4 // Piper Wright

My wife <333 Piper's reckless go-gettem attitude and propensity for ruffling feathers on her quest to out the baddies really endeared me to her. Finding her soft heart under all the bravado and banter is really rewarding, and I love how committed she is to standing for her ideals, even if it means standing alone. Fo4 has such a cool setting to get immersed in overall, and I really do enjoy all the 50s/60s US tropes thrown into the mix with it.

Reth // Palia

The epitome of making objectively horrible choices for arguably noble reasons. I love this walking disaster. He made me soup. I like how most of the Palia characters have more to them than meets the eye at first meeting, and how many ways they can surprise you as you build relationships with them. But gaining the disgraced pariah Reth's trust? Becoming someone he's brave enough to ask for help from? I treasure it above all the others LOL

Gale Dekarios // Baldur's Gate 3

I'm NOT going to essay I'm NOT going to essay I'm not -- But seriously I do adore this guy's arc. I like how messy it is, even if in more subtle ways than, say, Astarion (ilu too boo.) Gale has so many "gifted kid" trademarks and strikes me as someone who's entire self worth has been based on how useful or interesting he is to others. It's hard to fault him for his ambition, when his magical prowess was the only avenue he had to make meaningful bonds up until the whole tadpole nonsense. BG3 exceeded my wildest expectations out of an RPG and continues to do so every time I pick it up.

Anders // Dragon Age II

I feel obligated to say I don't really consider myself part of the DA fandom because every time I've poked my head in I've found it to be a wretched hive of scum and villainy with the most inane batshit discourse I've ever seen in my life. But the game itself? Love the game. Love the characters. Anders broke my heart. I really enjoyed his internal turmoil and the very literal ideological battle between justice and vengeance he faced throughout the game. I'll eat that up.

Obi-Wan Kenobi // Star Wars

He's baby.

I definitely pick and choose which installations of the behemoth that is the Star Wars franchise to consider canon, and like Dragon Age I try not to actually get involved in fandom spaces. Ever. But I love Obi-Wan's story in the prequels especially, and if you've followed me very long I'm sure you know how much I like my hurt/comfort and angst, which he has in spades.

Halo 1-3, ODST, & Reach // The Arbiter

I grew up on Halo and even have a little poseable model of this guy decorating my bookshelf. Halo's a shooter game first, of course, and I spent a good chunk of my childhood rerunning levels, and playing ninjanaut with friends on splitscreen. But its lore also fell into that sort of early TES space for me, where you had enough of an idea of the world for it to capture your imagination and inspire you, without being overwhelming to keep track of. The angst. The mystique. The badass alien with a glowing sword. 10/10. My Spartan OC is called Artemis and my brother has one named Ares and yes we did slay in PvP as teenagers.

Firefly // Simon Tam

Choosing Firefly is predictable af but thats ok. It still makes me ache wishing we got to know more about the world, the characters - and maybe that unfinished homesick feeling is part of the appeal. I loved watching Simon be so out of his depth in the frontier of space, but willing to giving up everything for someone he cared about and learning to make a new place for himself with Firefly's motley crew.

Mizu // Blue Eye Samurai

I was not prepared for this show to WRECK me like it did. I thought it was going to be a run of the mill cheesy samurai anime and GOD. The thoughtful, clever storytelling and dynamic characters knocked me on my ass. I couldn't stop watching. The cast is incredible, the art style is gorgeous. Every single aspect of this show ties into this theme of being caught between two worlds, and Mizu's story is one I am not going to forget any time soon. If you haven't watched this, you're missing out.

Mal // The Dog Master

I'm not sure there's even really a FANDOM for this book. I haven't ever met anyone else who'd even heard of it, let alone read it. But a fandom can just be me, occasionally pitching it desperately to friends, right? XD The story follows several tribes, but the "main" character is Mal, who was kicked out of his tribe and survives partly by befriending a wolf and raising it. It's pretty cleverly written, with several timelines converging at unexpected moments to offer up plot twists and tie-ins that really wouldn't have been possible if it was written another way. I'm a little geeky about it just for the structural approach. But there's honestly not enough good caveman books out there, and this one has a wide cast of unique and interesting characters who feel very human.

--

I will tag @ronqueesha @bogglebabbles-main @sayonaramidnight @traveleorzea @orime-stories @silentletterwords @ellastara @rinka-fortemps @eriyu @jameswrites

And anyone else who wants to! I'd love to see your lists! But no pressure ofc <3

[armonial]

❕Hello Lucemond Nation❕☕️

— I know sometimes that the days can be rough. Especially when truthing such an amazing ship, right? I know mine can be haha;

But won’t you look at that that.. only 58 fics until we hit 2000 Fics!!! Authors who see this give yourself a Pat on the back for me, and readers kiss your palm and place it over your lovely hearts for any charming comments you have left and kudos you have gifted to our Lucemond writers.

In every writer, there is a reader. So we know how amazing it is to read an updated fic. Getting a new chapter in can be a real chore and can exhaust the mind. So readers, be considerate of the authors perspective on the demand of an update!

New chapters take time. Deciding where to go that is appealing to yourself and the audience takes time. The wait can be so rewarding! Do not discard a work or talented author just because it has been a while since the last updaaattee. Have patience because guess what? The author is human too, with a life outside the little fairy box known as a phone (or computer for some folks). And as a writer myself(+from my perspective), we can’t wait to get a new chapter out. Its so lovely to work on something others can enjoy while also being able to enjoy making a story. Plus it is actually pretty difficult to fit in the shoes of a character who is not an OC to make a fic pov sometimes. So be mindful of that if you would be so kind!

There are so many lovely and eye catching stories in our not so little nation we have here. But there are times where I see hateful comments before deletion or the mention of them being received in notes of updated works. My dear Writers, it is so Ok to delete hateful comments! Please do! Don’t let that negativity stick and btw Ao3 has a muting option; so mute that commenter then delete whatever you received from them! Do not respond, don’t give their negativity that satisfaction. As for Readers, don’t be that person. If you don’t like something, don’t continue to read it and do not leave a rude comment that can be hurtful to the author who is certainly trying their best.

I’m the kind of person who just loves leaving comments, replies, and posts. I like to voice my passion, thoughts, and feelings on something but only if it is positive or simply full of curious questions. And I do not however expect my questions to receive an answer in any other form than the chapters that are brought with updates. But questions always reveal that you are interested and your mind is really wrapping around the plot of the story. I loved seeing questions in my comments because it will be so lovely to answer them with time!

I also aspire to be the commenter, when you see them, you recognize that little name and wonder what I left this time!. It’s nice to have a constant. Sureee sometimes I feel a little awkward being the first to like posts/tweets/blogs, reply, and comment on updates- stuff like that but I do it anyway because I will be doing so eventually! This is mostly to relieve any one of your anxieties you may have regarding this topic. Or thoughts they never really considered when looking at things a certain way. Don’t be scared to give that poster some love!!!

Let us ALL respect each other yea? I hate to see arguments. There is no need for them honestly. You either agree or you don’t, we can be civil in our discussions. It doesn’t have to lead to a true argument. Also don’t stand idly by and watch a discussion get out of hand, help distinguish it. We are all here for the same thing aren’t we? Try not to allow any toxic vibes in because at the end of the day what was the reason for your fight? A ship that is literally problematic enough on our hands, we don’t need much more than the dynamic itself.

The only Fated Feud we should be having is the one in the dialogues of our lucemond fics, nothing more my dearest loves.

Leave a reply to this blog of mine if you have something you wish to say, vent/rant about; or simply go to my profile and ask me something. Might I remind you that you can Anonymously because it is enabled for my ask box, or you can as your profile I don’t mind.. It will be responded to no matter what and you can have your own privacy if you so wish! <33

Now.. Without Further ado, I wish everyone an oh so very Happy Thursday! ❤︎︎ Sit down with a cup of tea or any beverage of your choosing, put on something good to watch, and maybe even read a little.

I recommend a fanfic(whatever kind it may be, we all have our Vices) or just a book. A personal favorite of mine is to read some Edgar Allan Poe, reading some of his poems is where I’ll be!

Yours faithfully,

Tealeaf and River🍂

꥟

For a bonus: Look what I got for my daily Masterpiece. It’s called Forest by Bokuyō Katayama, 1928. Isn’t it beautiful?

[constrictivemoray]

The little things you do are the things that I'm grateful for.

b. ruggie x gender-neutral reader

lowercase intended

sfw short fluffy semi-romantic content (honestly i think you can view it as platonic super best friends) under the cut

author's note:

i pulled this plot out of my ass and the tiny little voice at the back of my head repeated "sitri... sitri you have to do something about this or else it's gonna haunt you for 3 months."

ruggie could never get enough from you.

it was the little things you did every day that made him feel like he was being rewarded with the most luxurious gift ever—

feelings.

the feeling of love.

the feeling of being grateful.

the warm, fluttery feeling he felt every time you did something for him that he didn't even ask you for.

he could never find anything to give back to you to show his gratefulness. all that he had was inexpensive compared to the little things you did.

but he wanted to thank you somehow.

"c'mere."

you, hunched over a pile of his used clothes, turned your head to face ruggie. at least, the direction where you could hear his voice coming from.

"pardon?"

"i said c'mere. get over here already, my arms are getting sore."

you realized that he was sitting on his bed. his arms and legs were outstretched, inviting you for some good old physical affection.

you decided that sorting the laundry could be continued later, and made your way to his bed after patting the imaginary dust off of yourself.

he probably expected you to sit on his lap so he could hug you, but you ended up sitting next to him.

he squints.

"are you kidding me? do you want me to say it out loud?"

and then he was smiling. he knew you were playing with him.

you grinned and sat on his lap. he gave you a big squeeze, nuzzling his face into the crook of your neck.

you couldn't see it, but you heard rapid soft thumps against the blanket. his tail was wagging.

it was cute.

"why do you do so much for me?"

you could feel him embrace you tighter.

"do i need a reason to?"

there was a pregnant silence after that, and you heard him sigh.

"i guess not. but how am i supposed to thank you for all of this? everything that you do for me? you know i'm capable enough to do these things myself, but you still do it."

"well, everyday i always come and find you running errands 24/7. whether it be for leona, the dorm, or just personal things you need to take care of. i think you deserve a break from all of this. and honestly, ruggs, all i want from you is quality time and affection in return. in my books, you've already fulfilled that. you need to relax."

"for sevens' sake, stop being so cheesy all the time."

his tail thumped against the blanket at a much faster pace. you could tell he was flustered.

another moment of silence passed with the two of you holding each other in a warm, tight, comfortable embrace. neither of you wanted to let go, but...

"ruggs, can you let me go so i can finish sorting through your clothes?"

@constrictivemoray

[inkabelledesigns]

Can't believe it's almost the end of July. I still have a small number of pieces I want to do before art fight is over, and we will hopefully get there. But even if not, can I just say, I'm really proud of myself? I've never done art fight before this year, and I have improved as not just an artist, but as a person. My goal was to get better at doing traditional line art, and mission accomplished! I've gotten so many kind words about my line weights looking great, and that means a lot.

But also, I've started to untangle some of my complicated feelings about drawing for others. I've been in so many groups over the years where art (and the people who make it) was something transactional, where if you had something made for you, you were expected to make something back, at the same quality or higher, and it was this huge obligation. Alternatively, if you drew for one person, you were expected to draw for everyone you were friends with, and that weighed on me a lot. None of that is healthy. I don't like feeling like I owe people, in art or in any other circumstance. I've discovered over the years that I barely have the energy to create for myself sometimes, and I just, can't make stuff for everyone, not enough hours in the day. So it was easier to never draw for anyone ever, even when I wanted to, that way no one could be disappointed, but even that's fruitless and untrue. There has always been someone that's felt entitled to my art and time, even when I didn't give that part of myself to anyone.

The reason I could do as much for this month as I did is because I put down some very reasonable guidelines for myself: only line art so I didn't burn myself out, not working on other art forms so my focus was in one place (save for voice acting because I owed people lines), all traditional because I was gonna be traveling, grabbing references beforehand so I had a clear idea of everything I wanted to draw. I was prepared, I was kind to myself, and it was good. And I've let myself draw what I want to draw, that was the big one. This was a gift that I was allowed to give freely, on my terms. And ultimately, that's what's made it rewarding. The people I've chosen to draw for have been so excited over what I've made for them, and it's left me feeling like I did a good job. I MISSED the feeling of bringing someone joy over something unexpected. It's why I purposely told no one I was making something for them, so it could be a pleasant surprise. It leaves me feeling really good, and I get the sense it's the same on the other side too. And the amount of feelings I've gotten over the art I've received are through the roof. I read every description, thank you for saying such nice things about my character designs, it makes me so warm and fuzzy to know that you enjoy what I've made enough to want to play with it on your own, that is a massive compliment! I spent a lot of my life never being told that I did a good job with my art or characters, so getting to hear it a lot this month has made me happy. Everyone's pieces have been rotated in and out as my backgrounds on my phone and laptop all month, I love turning them on and seeing all the love that went into this art. Everything is so beautiful!

It's not about the points or who wins, I'm here for seeing people light up. I'm here for celebrating fun character designs. And I'm so glad I did this. I'm crying because I didn't think I'd ever be ABLE to do this. But I was, and it's been great. Now -twirls pencil- we have some work to do!

[aldercaps]

There isn't really a point to this post. I just needed to put these words outside of myself, to give it somewhere to go.

going under a readmore because I had a lot to say apparently (this is not a happy post, nor does it have a satisfying ending)

Toby was a defacto birthday gift to my eleven-year-old self, after I had pestered my parents for over a year on getting a kitten. He was the first cat that was truly "mine", in that I was his favourite person and he held the dearest place in my heart. He turned ten years old this year, in March, which was also the year anniversary of when I last saw him.

He's doing well, last I heard, living with one of my mum's friends, who I don't know. My memory of last year is bad enough that I couldn't remember that it had been march when I saw him last, I thought I'd had more time. I didn't get to see him off, mum dropped him off when I was in class. I hadn't lived with him since 2021, when I moved out into my first flat. I wanted to take him with me, but it is almost impossible to find student housing that is pet friendly, and so I said goodbye to him (temporarily) as my mother's new boyfriend moved in. When my mother decided to move with her boyfriend to the other side of the country to an inner city apartment, she told me she wouldn't be taking Toby with her. I scrambled to find someone I knew that would take him in, just for the rest of 2022 until I could take him with me, but I couldn't manage it. I haven't seen him since march last year, wasn't able to come with my mum to say goodbye. It's taken me so many tries to try and write a post like this but I haven't managed to without being overcome with emotion.

When I was in high school mum always insisted that I take Toby with me when I move, since he was so attached to me and I was the one most willing to put up with his antics. He would play ambush with me, hiding in the dark shadows around the house in the evenings, waiting to jump out at me when I least expected it. He remains the only cat I've ever had that enthusiastically enjoyed belly rubs, and would stretch out on his back over my lap for them. We would play a game where, most days an hour before dinner, he would come into my room, and yell at me until I looked at him. Then, he would walk out of the room and wait for me just outside. Then, he would walk with me downstairs (if I paused he would pause, and jump up to headbutt my hand) to the kitchen where the cat kibble was kept, and do a running leap onto his stool to signify that he wanted dinner now, please.

When I was about 12-13 I took to the idea of training him, and after a couple of years of sporadic practise I could pat a chair or surface in the house if he was in the room, and he would do an enthusiastic running leap onto it, and of course received either a treat or bounteous pats as a reward.

He was my heart animal, and I love him so deeply. I try to console myself that he's living the high life as a single cat in a loving household, which he always preferred (enjoying the company of humans much more than other cats), but I think the not knowing is what gets me. The last photo of the four is the most recent photo I have of him, courtesy of my mother, from November last year. My sister told me that after I moved out he would walk into my old room and cry for minutes on end, or look for me throughout the house for weeks afterwards. I visited him as often as I could, once every two weeks or so, but I never felt properly welcome there with my mum's boyfriend there, since we never got on well at all. Later last year my sister said something that i think sums up the situation well: "I can't believe we lost our childhood home and our cats for some guy mum broke up with two months after she moved." Mum still has Cassie, and I can't blame her for making decisions that she thought would add to her happiness, but I don't know if I will ever get over losing Toby like that. He was one of my reasons to keep living through the worst years of my worst mental health, my light in the darkness. He was a constant I didn't know I needed until I lost it. The grief I've felt after losing him is something that has confirmed to me how much I need a companion animal in my life, and the past two years of not living with an animal of any kind has really cemented that for me.

Anyway. if you got this far, give your pets a kiss or a scritch for me, and tell them you love them.

[uwupissarozzieuwu]

(re: the 3 robofizzes that work at ozzie's) Imagine this: Fizz probably doesn't see normal Robofizzes that often. He doesn't really have a reason to, and he finds them kind of creepy. So when Ozzie's gets three new ones to swing in for him when he's not working that day, it's more or less the first time he gets to see how they act.

Fizz, watching RoboFizz #1 tell a joke: No. That's not funny. I would never say that. I hate it. Burn him

Staff member: He is only capable of saying words from a database of things you've been recorded saying. You must have said that at some point.

Fizz: I am going to kill myself

And then he realizes they've been programmed based on the him that existed about 10-15 years ago. Of course they're out of date! So now it's like his personal mission to bring them up to speed on how he acts in the current day, because he can't have them acting weird in Ozzie's and ruining his rep. He lets them sit backstage and watch and learn from him. He talks to them. At a certain point he starts giving them random little treats/objects he likes (because...they're him, right? they're supposed to like the same things he likes?) as rewards for good behavior, which devolves into him just gifting the Robofizzes things for fun. They're robots, but they're programmed to be able to emote. And Fizz finds it oddly healing to see his robot selves happy.

YESSSSSSSS I LOVE THISSSSSSSS omggg I love these robofizzes lmao

I love the idea of them actively learning!! Sometimes, they’ll just stand/sit there an observe him, and the things they learn will start to show later. But other times, they actively mimic and copy him, real-time. Which, can sometimes turn chaotic pretty fast 😅 Like, once, Fizz was cussing out a member of the stage crew, and *all three robofizzes* were copying him, also cussing out that stage crew member, rip

They also have to learn when to do certain things, and learn that there are some things that they really shouldn’t mimic. Whether it be because it’s private, or because they’re robots, and certain things that Fizz does could be completely unnecessary, or straight up harm them. Like that time one of them had to be repaired because it chugged an entire jug of iced coffee. That… that was a mess, lmao.

They’ve also picked up on a few of Fizz’s bad habits, and Fizz gets so incredibly embarrassed about it 😅 Like one time, Fizz caught one of them mimicking a potty dance backstage, and he nearly ripped the thing’s arm off 😅

Anyway, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this 👀 What other chaos would they get up to? What rewards would Fizz gift them?? Would Fizz ever punish them??

[kookie211071]

A note to myself before the year ends..

Sometimes it's just too hard for us all. Sometimes it's not. You feel happy sometimes...you feel bad sometimes... sometimes life feels like it's hell.. sometimes it feels rosy and garden-garden.

Idk why am I saying this...but I'm just happy at the current moment. The moment while I'm typing this very sentence. I feel happy and blessed. I wonder why i don't feel the same when I'm sad. Haha. Just feeling blessed for my life and also guilty for those days when used to say that life is shitty. I just feel like thanking God for giving me the gift of life. Maybe some small moments of joy serve as a reminder that you should value life and shouldn't rant about it. Life is all about making your way through all the challenges and rewarding yourself with good moments of joy... to feel blessed and energetic, yet again.

I've been feeling happy these days. Genuinely. And the reason is not because something great happened today. These days are still the same. It's just ME, who has recently been living differently. I've recently started doing meditation and yoga after waking up early in morning. I've started listening to fiction audiobooks which are free on YouTube and recently have been listening to this audiobook- "It ends with us" by Colleen Hoover.

This book makes me blush and happy all the time. I listen to it whenever I'm doing my household chores, which I usually find boring and I procrastinate. Now I'm doing these chores happily since I give myself the permission to listen to this audiobook while doing the tasks. It's one of the best feelings trust me. It gives me the motivation to do something, rewarding myself at the same time...which makes the whole process really joyous and relaxing.

I've been spending a good amount of quality time with my parents too. When my dad returns to home after his tiring day at the office, when my mom is done with the major household chores, when my younger sister is back from school and done with her homework...we all TALK. Just keep talking and laughing and it's really good. I hate to admit this but I never really used to value these precious moments before. But now when I do, i feel grateful for all this every single day.

I was making myself belive that I'm in depression for a long time lol. Always self criticising myself, telling myself how bad my life is and having a negative perception about nearly everything. I was forcing myself into just existing and not LIVING my life.

Life is beautiful and we need to value it. As I said above that all the days were the same. What changed was my perception and some of my habits. A change of perception of life from that of a negative to a positive one. A change of habits from that of staying awake till late night and waking up the next afternoon to now sleeping early and waking up early to do yoga-meditation and ground myself.

I've accepted myself now. At the same time, I'm improving myself too. Self improvement and self acceptance go hand in hand and are the two different sides of the same coin. You'll only improve yourself once you accept yourself the right way and start loving yourself. Also, self-reflection is really important as I'm doing right now.

This year is about to end and I'm proud of myself for realising all this just at the right time. I'll be setting some realistic goals for myself and gonna work upon them keeping all these things in mind. I hope I can be a better person at the end of the upcoming year.

One thing that I wanna tell to myself and to the ones who will be reading this (if they do):- If you think you have a mental disorder or illness like depression or something similar, it's okay. It wasn't your choice to go through this. But, GETTING OUT OF IT is certainly a choice. If you can't FIND happiness, you need to BUILD it for yourself. Just like I did.

Xoxo

[jacksonthelizardking]

Getting to know Jackson. I hope it doesn't bore you, and if it does, by all means... stop reading.

That said, let's get to the first in what may become a series of questions.

Lets get to know you.

I had played in the Teen Wolf verse a few times, dabbling here and there. Played Scott for a minute, done a few side stories as others, but I saw no good Jackson's out there. The ones I did see had zero grasp on who he was at all. It was like they were playing him without seeing who or what the character was. Personally, it always bothers me when I see a great character who is supposedly canon and yet played completely against type. I think it takes a very devoted mindset to play someone that is canon and bring them to life. For that reason alone, I typically play original characters that allow me flexibility but Jackson had wiggle room, as you will learn below.

The moment I took on the challenge of portraying Jackson Whittemore, it was like my muse just exploded inside and he came pouring out of me. He wanted me to play him. He knew he could trust me and showed me all his sides. Yes, I know how that sounds, but hey, I'm a writer. Enough said. Ironically, or perhaps thankfully, the character of JW and myself harbor the same offbeat sense of humor, the same chip-on-the-shoulder past, the same struggle to not be undermined and stand strong while being cautious that you're uncertain. The struggles of coming out can often be the same.

So, I will say that it seemed an amazing fit and I was told time and again that I did him justice, to the point that some knew better to even add me if they couldn't handle Jackson. Yes, I heard about many but that was before I evolved him. Now this will cut to the heart of the question as to why I write him. My re-birth of Jackson began when I heard Colton was not returning for season 3 of TW, or shortly thereafter. I felt robbed of an evolution that I needed, wanted. I let it go for a while but something sparked in me to keep him going beyond high school. All I had to go on was that Derek had shown him a few things before he left for London and presumably, college.

At this point, I knew he would not be canon any longer but I have always strived for the best fit to keep him as the same person, evolving over time. Will you still see his snarky side? Oh yes. Sometimes people are put off by it actually, but I remind them gently ooc, which should not need to be done, that this is just who Jackson is. He does not have some instant rapport with much of anyone. I can think of several who cannot understand why I have played him like that, but to me, this is canon. Jackson has genuine depth as opposed to just being malleable to all situations.

I would say that playing him has become a very rewarding experience that I did not know would impact me. There are people that I both respect and admire in this community of gifted writers who have not only loved what I have done with Jackson but gravitate to him, to be a part of his ongoing adventures. I know a handful of some of the best writers and it still blows my mind that I get to do this sometimes. I am thankful for the many blessings of this creation and getting to share stories, share their joys and triumphs.

As a final note, I can say that playing Jackson has opened a creative well in me that is ever-expanding. In my portrayal, I easily brought him into the 6th season return for where he was at and stuck with the timeline of the origins. That stated, I genuinely hope this upcoming new venture with Teen Wolf will not alter him too terribly, but if it does, I will try to keep him canonically based and see how it all unfolds. May the adventure ever continue for us all.

To all my fellow writers and friends, I thank you deeply.

~Jackson's writer

[tammyblackday]

She loves me.

I shared this and a photo of my sister on Facebook earlier today. I’ve modified it for this platform.  My older sister loves me so much. She is one of the most generous people I have met in my life. From a young age, she did everything she could to take care of us kids. She tried so hard and never got anything but grief from us. I'm ashamed to say that I've often taken advantage of that generosity, not intentionally, but I did. When I was a teenager and young adult, she was the person I called to help me out of every single horrible situation I got myself into. And, there were some bad, life-altering situations. She never judged me, just helped in whatever capacity she could. 

I remember at my lowest point, when I wanted to die, she told me to go get my hair done and she'd pay for it. I needed to change my perspective on myself. I did and it did. Since then, whenever I'm feeling down, I remember to do one thing to change my perspective. 

She's the reason my business is "Changing lives one perspective at a time." 

For the longest time, she was the "wealthiest" person I knew- but she and her husband didn't really have much for a lot of those early years. What they did have was perseverance and tenacity, and the capacity to do better with the cards they were dealt in life. They worked hard and shared what they could with our family. I took it for granted. 

My sister helped me clothe and feed my children throughout the years, when I was down and out on my luck. After my first divorce, she started sending me her $25 rewards gift cards from Target with instructions to spend it on myself. She knew I put everyone else ahead of me. She sent me those cards for years, until I finally was stable and able to provide for myself and my children without assistance from anyone. I know that once I stopped receiving that generosity, she started sending those to my children and others to help in the same way. Just a few years ago, when I lost both jobs, my apartment, and had to voluntarily repo my truck, she sold me one of their vehicles, had her husband drive it half way to me, and even filled up the gas tank and gave me money to get home.

She's a giver. She can't help it. 

I've done her wrong so many times throughout my life, and she's always been there. Sis, I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you. I wonder what it's been like to be on the receiving end. Will you forgive me for being selfish and ungrateful? I love you!

[flowerandthesongstress]

The February-2023 writing update and some very important info.

It’s been a year since I stopped sharing my writing to ao3/publicly. I took inventory again. During this time I have 1) overall written ~580k words (go me) 2) at the tail end of it managed to publicly share 7k of them, all g-rated, all allegorizing the same stuff (not immigration, for once 😳). Go me? No, not really. The credit for convincing me goes to someone else. I'm still locked in a battle with myself regarding my reservations about sharing anything else online again; it's starting to feel like I just don't possess the emotional capacity to overcome these reservations in full. Maybe because they're justified.

The rest is the same. Yes, you can request private access to my main stuff, the methods for contacting me are in the pinned post, blah-blaaah, you probably already know the drill, sup bruh how's it going.

But, as this one question and this one issue have been popping up again and again over the last few months, I’ll just say it here for convenience. 

First off, the answer to that question: yes, it’s free, of course it’s free! I would never monetize/publish my writing. 🤦🏻

Second. The issue. If you already have access or aren’t interested, please disregard, carry on, and have a good day and a salad. 

Here goes.

Louder for those in the back: writing, however hard the process, is its own reward; sharing isn't. You've done enough damage already. Please don't make sharing into a punishment.

If you’re about to contact me and ask me to share with you directly, I would implore you to first go/return to that very same pinned post, click the link behind the ‘why?’ of me no longer sharing online, and read what’s there. And then I would like you to take a few moments to ask yourself if you’re doing something described in that post — or doing something generally inconsiderate.

If you, for instance, having never reached out to me before in any capacity — even the One-button Pressing and ‘thank you, reading this brought me comfort’ capacity — are about to ask me to send you the link to uuuuh, something that took me over two years to create. So that you could binge hundreds of thousands of words and, still just as silent, yeet off..? Or if you’re about to ask for this link while informing me how excited you are for ‘more hot threesomes’ and how much you love my ‘porn’ (...I just 🤦🏻‍♀️ oh god why, WHY).  

Please, I beg of you, at least try to get self-aware for a second. If you personify one of the reasons why I stopped sharing publicly, yet now you want me to share with you directly, please ponder: whatever for would I be doing that? More disillusionment? Higher therapy bills? What comfort, support, communal bonding, friendship, education, enlightenment — and dopamine — does this miserable sod stand to gain from sharing her writing with you, o Silent Lurker/Mindless Consumer of ‘Content’/Person with a Raging Fetish/Person Who Thinks That Allegory Is A Reptile From Florida? 

Hmm? What’s that? You’d be bestowing upon me the miracle and gift of you gracing my unworthy scribbles with your priceless attention?

Heard this one before, more than once. More than a dozen times. Actually, I lost count by now. That misguided, social-media-induced, performative-everything-induced, clout-or-die, late-stage-capitalist, voyeuristic notion that a thing has no ‘value’ until it’s getting seen and that one should feel grateful for being clicked on. Or that writers like me aren’t humans, but just these free vending machines that exist solely to supply you with ‘content’, and shouldn't beep out of line.

I'm sorry, but I actually like my writing and have a lot of respect for myself, my time, and my effort.

I am not a machine churning out product for you and your insatiable consumption needs, untreated childhood traumas, and specific fetishes; I'm a living being.

A living being who is writing exceedingly personal things and looking for meaningful interactions and connection. Looking to trust.

Otherwise, there is no point for me to share my writing with anyone but friends and loved ones. For the same reason why Abed never returned ‘Time Bandits’ to Blockbuster.

And Clicking things isn’t engagement; botting programs click things. Haters and plagiarizers click things.

If I was fine with the status quo, I would have continued sharing everything to ao3, without any dubious acrobatics.

Plus, I’ve got some safe validation at home. 

So I can do without this ‘miracle’ (that's actually just your entitlement and ignorance speaking) and I'm sure you can get your ‘content’ elsewhere, and I'm sure someone else would be happy with being silently-stalked and/or treated like a business. Personally? Pass.

I do not want you as a reader. Please do not delude yourself by thinking that your capitalist paws and brainrot are of any emotional value to me; on the contrary, it would be a blessing to not have you as a reader. Escaping the attention of you and your brethren is like dodging a bullet.

...

All of the buffoonery and yapping aside, it hurts to see this shit again and again and again. To be honest, I no longer even bother replying to some of those messages. Sometimes I just block, run for hugs, then do my best to move on, not cry, and not feel heartbroken. The astonishing levels of entitlement, the utter lack of self-awareness — it's painful to witness. The fact that people like this are almost always from the USA, white, and in their early twenties, is also very telling. And horrifying.

…No? Not you? All good? Expressed your support/appreciation before? Are self-aware, mindful, emotionally mature, and considerate? Perhaps you even like to correct other people’s grammar? Do understand that I am not in any fandoms and am not interested in ‘blorbos’ and ‘headcanons’? Actually mean it when you say you like my writing? Did not fail to notice which one is tagged as [if you only read one work by me]? Would not be opposed to chatting sometime? Want some pomegranate molasses on your salad? Agree that Roland Barthes should be resurrected for a minute just so I could slap him with a catfish? That’s awesome, then please feel free to message me and poke me for the link(s), it’s some really good shit. 

Update, done.