#but gifting myself is a personal reward i love to do for some reason

[moodymisty]

Hi, it’s Lorgar anon crawling back in your askbox like some kind of vermin. The way you write is just so gorgeous that I can’t stop myself from unleashing a follow-up headcanon ask to what you’ve written. Sorry in advance:

Lorgar, as you have said, has the tendency to vehemently worship. But I’m now thinking of the implications of that on the worlds he conquered. I mean, isn’t he already walking around and preaching about how much of a god his father is? What’s stopping people from starting to view you in the same light?

Because if the son of god treats you as an equal and calls you beloved, and if his sons call you “mother”. What’s stopping some agri-worlder from speaking your name during a prayer? I suppose it’s only natural, it’s so obvious to them that you’re holy.

Basically what I’m trying to say is you might accidentally become a folk saint.

Did Lorgar start it? Probably not, or at least he did it by accident. Does he encourage it when he finds out about it? Maaaaaybe. Just maybe. He can have a little bit of worship, as a treat.

Cue to you taking a trip to Monarchia and seeing a little shrine in the corner of a temple that is definitely of you (but with a halo or something). And you’re like “Lorgar please explain”. And he’s like “Let’s not explain this in front of your worshippers”. And you’re like “my WHAT-”

Well, this x reader idea is all fun and games. That is if The Emperor never found out about it. Because if he does then ohhhh boy do you have a second terrible father in law on your hands! You sure as hell wouldn’t want that to happen. But i'm sure he’d never pay attention to a planet such as Monarchia, right?

Right??

I've always sort of leaned into this idea with the Lorgar fics that he loves to worship his beloved, but it's a precarious pedestal you could fall off of at any moment. Lorgar is fickle at best, and with people like Kor Phaeron and Erebus whispering in his ear.

And in the eyes of people below him, either his legion or the people of Colchis, if he's that way to you, then clearly you're something they should pray to as well, right?

If their Primarch, lord and master, whispers praises to you and receives love in return, if his sons call you mother and raise their swords at the slightest danger, then surely altars in their homes, mumbled kneeling prayers and rosaries would earn your love as well?

Worshipping a Primarch is one thing, and even if this is 30k and they're far less treated as gods as they will be, they still see them as something beyond them. So anything attached tends to get similar treatment.

But his human lover isn't that far beyond them. You were chosen, gifted by a father or picked out from a crowd of dedicated worshipers (the story twists and changes depending on the person telling it) and rose above all the rest. To his people that is attainable, that faith has rewards.

Needless to say finding out that it's a thing let alone that Lorgar is in some way unconsciously (or consciously) encouraging it is quite the shock. Though you more than likely have little chance at stopping it at this point. You at least can get somewhat used to it, as long as no one goes absolutely insane about it.

(Lorgar also loves all of this. One of his favorite nicknames for you now is that you're his little goddess. It's usually used in more, intimate scenarios however.)

The Emperor finding out... yikes. Yet another tally for him in the reason why he's going to burn Monarchia into ash. He might take note that you aren't the one encouraging this, but at the end of the day, you and Lorgar are lumped into the same pile now.

[togglesbloggle]

Just musing out loud-

One of the gifts that time brought for me, ish, was a reduced interest in labels for myself. Reduced-not-gone, because humans love a good sorting hat, but definitely not what it once was.

It's most obvious in media, like with those YA books that routinely have explicit caste systems or divide people up by thematic groups, or with video games that let you pick a faction. But it sneaks in to real life too. Like, take the famed Tumblr* neogenders/neosexualities and proliferation of flags. It is, of course, unironically fun to watch the ever-increasing fractal complexity as people chase the questing beast of a coherent taxonomy of sexual nonconformity, and I think the people that do so often find it very rewarding. But I watch mostly as an outsider, because the whole thing is answering questions to which I already have satisfying answers in my own dialect- at least insofar as it comes to how I think about myself. And what's true in the narrow case of Tumblr's culture has some far-reaching impacts on politics as a whole, as you might guess.

It's not that I find the castes/factions/neogenders themselves uninteresting- almost the opposite really. I like exploring and thinking about them all, but in a way that doesn't trigger any questions about me as an observer; the 'me' in my sense of these things is a fairly high-inertia construct, one which doesn't really deform much in the presence of exciting new taxonomies. They tend to show me much more about their authors than they do about myself, though as always there are exceptions. It's like seeing a new map of a place you know well, where you're not so much discovering the territory as appreciating a new view of things through the eyes of someone else, a pleasure that follows from an appreciation of the cartographer's choice of framing and the cleverness by which they drew the lines.

The reason I say 'gift' is, most of the benefits of that sorting-hat instinct are front-loaded; a map, any map, is worth it's weight in gold when you're new to someplace. It helps you find a community where you can thrive, it helps you communicate with others and build shared expectations. But especially once you get a little bit more used to things and learn how to get around without a reference sheet, labels are a double-edged sword. There's no perfect label that can really capture a human person, leading to all manner of suffering as we try to conform to the labels we find ourselves carrying, and we can fall down a really deep hole if we start trying to treat those labels as the axioms from which a human is derived.

It also becomes clear, with the benefits of distance, that while a lot of my exertions in label-making felt like introspection at the time, they didn't really manage to be introspection. Introspection, I think, would have been a little more about my identity as a thing-in-itself; after all, it revolves around the question "who am I?" But a curious fact about these identity groups is that they're meant to be comprehensive; every single student at Hogwarts is placed within one of the four Houses. That is, playing around with these things isn't a matter of asking "who am I?", but rather, of describing the society in which we find ourselves, and our relationship to that society. Ruminating about the proper label for ourselves is asking a different question than introspection does: "where do I belong?"

A good chunk of what I thought was self-discovery was, in hindsight, something closer to self-consciousness. Trying to figure out how to be seen, how to be known, how to take up space in a social world where all of those things can be very high-stakes. But I seem to have stumbled in to a degree of equanimity with myself regardless, so I suppose no harm done. Probably you need to chase both lines of inquiry in parallel, but I think it would have helped me at the time to realize that they are fundamentally different questions.

[monsters-pokenursery]

hey all! this is a blog in the making for a free pokemon adoption/trading "service" i want to start offering.

whats the catch?

well... nothing. for real.

this is something ive wanted to do for a while, and the latest controversy involving TPCs banning of tournament players for having hacked mons kinda has me motivated to finally do it!

the sad reality of competitive pokemon is that, despite how far the game has come in terms of QoL features, its still just not accessible to everyone. not everybody has the time to spend on catching, breeding, and training competitively viable pokemon, particularly when the meta is ever-changing; whats meta today isnt guaranteed to still be meta a month from now. its hard to keep up!

pokemon showdown is a great tool. for many, its where they play competitive pokemon exclusively. but if you want to compete in live tournaments/events, you need in-game pokemon. many people, understandably, simply use hacks to get the mons they need to compete. i see nothing wrong with that, personally! the pokemon themselves are exactly the same as any "legitimate" pokemon. but if TPC keeps cracking down on those who do, then more and more people who dont have the time to obtain battle-ready pokemon through legitimate means (or simply hate the tediousness) are left unable to compete. i dont think thats fair.

as for myself, well... im a person with... a lot of free time, ahaha. im disabled and unemployed, so ive got plenty of time to play pokemon. i also really enjoy raising pokemon! breeding, EV training, etc... i find it soothing and rewarding. so i figure, hey, why not put that to good use and help folks out?

what im offering is to help breed, train, and trade pokemon to those who want them. id love to adopt out some of my own extras from breeding projects too! it feels sad, just having them sit in a box in pokemon home when they could be a member of somebodys team, help people complete their pokedex, be a starting point for those whod like to breed their own pokemon, etc.

i may also offer some rare pokemon, like legendary, transfer exclusive, or just generally difficult to obtain ones. im actually in the process of "farming" mew on a spare save from the ongoing mystery gift event, ahaha. ive also got the means to get as many kubfu/urshifu as i have the time to replay swsh from!

basically: i want to give you cool pokemon for free for no reason other than i like playing pokemon and making people happy.

welcome to my nursery! :)

[calico-heart]

10 fandoms, 10 characters, 10 tags

Basic rules: choose 10 fandoms that you are part of/support, and choose a favorite character from each of those. Then, tag ten folks!

Thanks for the tag @briar-ffxiv :3 idk how i'm supposed to pick a single favorite out of all these tho cries. Obvious fandoms are up top, but some (maybe. a little.) less common ones show up further down!

FFXIV // Alisaie Leveilluer

I think she's one of the most dynamic characters in the series, and I love love love seeing her come out of her shell as the expansions go on. Her personal arc focuses so heavily on surviving grief and learning to keep an open heart even when faced with loss over and over again, and I appreciate how well that ties into the main storyline, too.

Fallout 4 // Piper Wright

My wife <333 Piper's reckless go-gettem attitude and propensity for ruffling feathers on her quest to out the baddies really endeared me to her. Finding her soft heart under all the bravado and banter is really rewarding, and I love how committed she is to standing for her ideals, even if it means standing alone. Fo4 has such a cool setting to get immersed in overall, and I really do enjoy all the 50s/60s US tropes thrown into the mix with it.

Reth // Palia

The epitome of making objectively horrible choices for arguably noble reasons. I love this walking disaster. He made me soup. I like how most of the Palia characters have more to them than meets the eye at first meeting, and how many ways they can surprise you as you build relationships with them. But gaining the disgraced pariah Reth's trust? Becoming someone he's brave enough to ask for help from? I treasure it above all the others LOL

Gale Dekarios // Baldur's Gate 3

I'm NOT going to essay I'm NOT going to essay I'm not -- But seriously I do adore this guy's arc. I like how messy it is, even if in more subtle ways than, say, Astarion (ilu too boo.) Gale has so many "gifted kid" trademarks and strikes me as someone who's entire self worth has been based on how useful or interesting he is to others. It's hard to fault him for his ambition, when his magical prowess was the only avenue he had to make meaningful bonds up until the whole tadpole nonsense. BG3 exceeded my wildest expectations out of an RPG and continues to do so every time I pick it up.

Anders // Dragon Age II

I feel obligated to say I don't really consider myself part of the DA fandom because every time I've poked my head in I've found it to be a wretched hive of scum and villainy with the most inane batshit discourse I've ever seen in my life. But the game itself? Love the game. Love the characters. Anders broke my heart. I really enjoyed his internal turmoil and the very literal ideological battle between justice and vengeance he faced throughout the game. I'll eat that up.

Obi-Wan Kenobi // Star Wars

He's baby.

I definitely pick and choose which installations of the behemoth that is the Star Wars franchise to consider canon, and like Dragon Age I try not to actually get involved in fandom spaces. Ever. But I love Obi-Wan's story in the prequels especially, and if you've followed me very long I'm sure you know how much I like my hurt/comfort and angst, which he has in spades.

Halo 1-3, ODST, & Reach // The Arbiter

I grew up on Halo and even have a little poseable model of this guy decorating my bookshelf. Halo's a shooter game first, of course, and I spent a good chunk of my childhood rerunning levels, and playing ninjanaut with friends on splitscreen. But its lore also fell into that sort of early TES space for me, where you had enough of an idea of the world for it to capture your imagination and inspire you, without being overwhelming to keep track of. The angst. The mystique. The badass alien with a glowing sword. 10/10. My Spartan OC is called Artemis and my brother has one named Ares and yes we did slay in PvP as teenagers.

Firefly // Simon Tam

Choosing Firefly is predictable af but thats ok. It still makes me ache wishing we got to know more about the world, the characters - and maybe that unfinished homesick feeling is part of the appeal. I loved watching Simon be so out of his depth in the frontier of space, but willing to giving up everything for someone he cared about and learning to make a new place for himself with Firefly's motley crew.

Mizu // Blue Eye Samurai

I was not prepared for this show to WRECK me like it did. I thought it was going to be a run of the mill cheesy samurai anime and GOD. The thoughtful, clever storytelling and dynamic characters knocked me on my ass. I couldn't stop watching. The cast is incredible, the art style is gorgeous. Every single aspect of this show ties into this theme of being caught between two worlds, and Mizu's story is one I am not going to forget any time soon. If you haven't watched this, you're missing out.

Mal // The Dog Master

I'm not sure there's even really a FANDOM for this book. I haven't ever met anyone else who'd even heard of it, let alone read it. But a fandom can just be me, occasionally pitching it desperately to friends, right? XD The story follows several tribes, but the "main" character is Mal, who was kicked out of his tribe and survives partly by befriending a wolf and raising it. It's pretty cleverly written, with several timelines converging at unexpected moments to offer up plot twists and tie-ins that really wouldn't have been possible if it was written another way. I'm a little geeky about it just for the structural approach. But there's honestly not enough good caveman books out there, and this one has a wide cast of unique and interesting characters who feel very human.

--

I will tag @ronqueesha @bogglebabbles-main @sayonaramidnight @traveleorzea @orime-stories @silentletterwords @ellastara @rinka-fortemps @eriyu @jameswrites

And anyone else who wants to! I'd love to see your lists! But no pressure ofc <3

[armonial]

❕Hello Lucemond Nation❕☕️

— I know sometimes that the days can be rough. Especially when truthing such an amazing ship, right? I know mine can be haha;

But won’t you look at that that.. only 58 fics until we hit 2000 Fics!!! Authors who see this give yourself a Pat on the back for me, and readers kiss your palm and place it over your lovely hearts for any charming comments you have left and kudos you have gifted to our Lucemond writers.

In every writer, there is a reader. So we know how amazing it is to read an updated fic. Getting a new chapter in can be a real chore and can exhaust the mind. So readers, be considerate of the authors perspective on the demand of an update!

New chapters take time. Deciding where to go that is appealing to yourself and the audience takes time. The wait can be so rewarding! Do not discard a work or talented author just because it has been a while since the last updaaattee. Have patience because guess what? The author is human too, with a life outside the little fairy box known as a phone (or computer for some folks). And as a writer myself(+from my perspective), we can’t wait to get a new chapter out. Its so lovely to work on something others can enjoy while also being able to enjoy making a story. Plus it is actually pretty difficult to fit in the shoes of a character who is not an OC to make a fic pov sometimes. So be mindful of that if you would be so kind!

There are so many lovely and eye catching stories in our not so little nation we have here. But there are times where I see hateful comments before deletion or the mention of them being received in notes of updated works. My dear Writers, it is so Ok to delete hateful comments! Please do! Don’t let that negativity stick and btw Ao3 has a muting option; so mute that commenter then delete whatever you received from them! Do not respond, don’t give their negativity that satisfaction. As for Readers, don’t be that person. If you don’t like something, don’t continue to read it and do not leave a rude comment that can be hurtful to the author who is certainly trying their best.

I’m the kind of person who just loves leaving comments, replies, and posts. I like to voice my passion, thoughts, and feelings on something but only if it is positive or simply full of curious questions. And I do not however expect my questions to receive an answer in any other form than the chapters that are brought with updates. But questions always reveal that you are interested and your mind is really wrapping around the plot of the story. I loved seeing questions in my comments because it will be so lovely to answer them with time!

I also aspire to be the commenter, when you see them, you recognize that little name and wonder what I left this time!. It’s nice to have a constant. Sureee sometimes I feel a little awkward being the first to like posts/tweets/blogs, reply, and comment on updates- stuff like that but I do it anyway because I will be doing so eventually! This is mostly to relieve any one of your anxieties you may have regarding this topic. Or thoughts they never really considered when looking at things a certain way. Don’t be scared to give that poster some love!!!

Let us ALL respect each other yea? I hate to see arguments. There is no need for them honestly. You either agree or you don’t, we can be civil in our discussions. It doesn’t have to lead to a true argument. Also don’t stand idly by and watch a discussion get out of hand, help distinguish it. We are all here for the same thing aren’t we? Try not to allow any toxic vibes in because at the end of the day what was the reason for your fight? A ship that is literally problematic enough on our hands, we don’t need much more than the dynamic itself.

The only Fated Feud we should be having is the one in the dialogues of our lucemond fics, nothing more my dearest loves.

Leave a reply to this blog of mine if you have something you wish to say, vent/rant about; or simply go to my profile and ask me something. Might I remind you that you can Anonymously because it is enabled for my ask box, or you can as your profile I don’t mind.. It will be responded to no matter what and you can have your own privacy if you so wish! <33

Now.. Without Further ado, I wish everyone an oh so very Happy Thursday! ❤︎︎ Sit down with a cup of tea or any beverage of your choosing, put on something good to watch, and maybe even read a little.

I recommend a fanfic(whatever kind it may be, we all have our Vices) or just a book. A personal favorite of mine is to read some Edgar Allan Poe, reading some of his poems is where I’ll be!

Yours faithfully,

Tealeaf and River🍂

꥟

For a bonus: Look what I got for my daily Masterpiece. It’s called Forest by Bokuyō Katayama, 1928. Isn’t it beautiful?

[constrictivemoray]

The little things you do are the things that I'm grateful for.

b. ruggie x gender-neutral reader

lowercase intended

sfw short fluffy semi-romantic content (honestly i think you can view it as platonic super best friends) under the cut

author's note:

i pulled this plot out of my ass and the tiny little voice at the back of my head repeated "sitri... sitri you have to do something about this or else it's gonna haunt you for 3 months."

ruggie could never get enough from you.

it was the little things you did every day that made him feel like he was being rewarded with the most luxurious gift ever—

feelings.

the feeling of love.

the feeling of being grateful.

the warm, fluttery feeling he felt every time you did something for him that he didn't even ask you for.

he could never find anything to give back to you to show his gratefulness. all that he had was inexpensive compared to the little things you did.

but he wanted to thank you somehow.

"c'mere."

you, hunched over a pile of his used clothes, turned your head to face ruggie. at least, the direction where you could hear his voice coming from.

"pardon?"

"i said c'mere. get over here already, my arms are getting sore."

you realized that he was sitting on his bed. his arms and legs were outstretched, inviting you for some good old physical affection.

you decided that sorting the laundry could be continued later, and made your way to his bed after patting the imaginary dust off of yourself.

he probably expected you to sit on his lap so he could hug you, but you ended up sitting next to him.

he squints.

"are you kidding me? do you want me to say it out loud?"

and then he was smiling. he knew you were playing with him.

you grinned and sat on his lap. he gave you a big squeeze, nuzzling his face into the crook of your neck.

you couldn't see it, but you heard rapid soft thumps against the blanket. his tail was wagging.

it was cute.

"why do you do so much for me?"

you could feel him embrace you tighter.

"do i need a reason to?"

there was a pregnant silence after that, and you heard him sigh.

"i guess not. but how am i supposed to thank you for all of this? everything that you do for me? you know i'm capable enough to do these things myself, but you still do it."

"well, everyday i always come and find you running errands 24/7. whether it be for leona, the dorm, or just personal things you need to take care of. i think you deserve a break from all of this. and honestly, ruggs, all i want from you is quality time and affection in return. in my books, you've already fulfilled that. you need to relax."

"for sevens' sake, stop being so cheesy all the time."

his tail thumped against the blanket at a much faster pace. you could tell he was flustered.

another moment of silence passed with the two of you holding each other in a warm, tight, comfortable embrace. neither of you wanted to let go, but...

"ruggs, can you let me go so i can finish sorting through your clothes?"

@constrictivemoray

[inkabelledesigns]

Can't believe it's almost the end of July. I still have a small number of pieces I want to do before art fight is over, and we will hopefully get there. But even if not, can I just say, I'm really proud of myself? I've never done art fight before this year, and I have improved as not just an artist, but as a person. My goal was to get better at doing traditional line art, and mission accomplished! I've gotten so many kind words about my line weights looking great, and that means a lot.

But also, I've started to untangle some of my complicated feelings about drawing for others. I've been in so many groups over the years where art (and the people who make it) was something transactional, where if you had something made for you, you were expected to make something back, at the same quality or higher, and it was this huge obligation. Alternatively, if you drew for one person, you were expected to draw for everyone you were friends with, and that weighed on me a lot. None of that is healthy. I don't like feeling like I owe people, in art or in any other circumstance. I've discovered over the years that I barely have the energy to create for myself sometimes, and I just, can't make stuff for everyone, not enough hours in the day. So it was easier to never draw for anyone ever, even when I wanted to, that way no one could be disappointed, but even that's fruitless and untrue. There has always been someone that's felt entitled to my art and time, even when I didn't give that part of myself to anyone.

The reason I could do as much for this month as I did is because I put down some very reasonable guidelines for myself: only line art so I didn't burn myself out, not working on other art forms so my focus was in one place (save for voice acting because I owed people lines), all traditional because I was gonna be traveling, grabbing references beforehand so I had a clear idea of everything I wanted to draw. I was prepared, I was kind to myself, and it was good. And I've let myself draw what I want to draw, that was the big one. This was a gift that I was allowed to give freely, on my terms. And ultimately, that's what's made it rewarding. The people I've chosen to draw for have been so excited over what I've made for them, and it's left me feeling like I did a good job. I MISSED the feeling of bringing someone joy over something unexpected. It's why I purposely told no one I was making something for them, so it could be a pleasant surprise. It leaves me feeling really good, and I get the sense it's the same on the other side too. And the amount of feelings I've gotten over the art I've received are through the roof. I read every description, thank you for saying such nice things about my character designs, it makes me so warm and fuzzy to know that you enjoy what I've made enough to want to play with it on your own, that is a massive compliment! I spent a lot of my life never being told that I did a good job with my art or characters, so getting to hear it a lot this month has made me happy. Everyone's pieces have been rotated in and out as my backgrounds on my phone and laptop all month, I love turning them on and seeing all the love that went into this art. Everything is so beautiful!

It's not about the points or who wins, I'm here for seeing people light up. I'm here for celebrating fun character designs. And I'm so glad I did this. I'm crying because I didn't think I'd ever be ABLE to do this. But I was, and it's been great. Now -twirls pencil- we have some work to do!

[aldercaps]

There isn't really a point to this post. I just needed to put these words outside of myself, to give it somewhere to go.

going under a readmore because I had a lot to say apparently (this is not a happy post, nor does it have a satisfying ending)

Toby was a defacto birthday gift to my eleven-year-old self, after I had pestered my parents for over a year on getting a kitten. He was the first cat that was truly "mine", in that I was his favourite person and he held the dearest place in my heart. He turned ten years old this year, in March, which was also the year anniversary of when I last saw him.

He's doing well, last I heard, living with one of my mum's friends, who I don't know. My memory of last year is bad enough that I couldn't remember that it had been march when I saw him last, I thought I'd had more time. I didn't get to see him off, mum dropped him off when I was in class. I hadn't lived with him since 2021, when I moved out into my first flat. I wanted to take him with me, but it is almost impossible to find student housing that is pet friendly, and so I said goodbye to him (temporarily) as my mother's new boyfriend moved in. When my mother decided to move with her boyfriend to the other side of the country to an inner city apartment, she told me she wouldn't be taking Toby with her. I scrambled to find someone I knew that would take him in, just for the rest of 2022 until I could take him with me, but I couldn't manage it. I haven't seen him since march last year, wasn't able to come with my mum to say goodbye. It's taken me so many tries to try and write a post like this but I haven't managed to without being overcome with emotion.

When I was in high school mum always insisted that I take Toby with me when I move, since he was so attached to me and I was the one most willing to put up with his antics. He would play ambush with me, hiding in the dark shadows around the house in the evenings, waiting to jump out at me when I least expected it. He remains the only cat I've ever had that enthusiastically enjoyed belly rubs, and would stretch out on his back over my lap for them. We would play a game where, most days an hour before dinner, he would come into my room, and yell at me until I looked at him. Then, he would walk out of the room and wait for me just outside. Then, he would walk with me downstairs (if I paused he would pause, and jump up to headbutt my hand) to the kitchen where the cat kibble was kept, and do a running leap onto his stool to signify that he wanted dinner now, please.

When I was about 12-13 I took to the idea of training him, and after a couple of years of sporadic practise I could pat a chair or surface in the house if he was in the room, and he would do an enthusiastic running leap onto it, and of course received either a treat or bounteous pats as a reward.

He was my heart animal, and I love him so deeply. I try to console myself that he's living the high life as a single cat in a loving household, which he always preferred (enjoying the company of humans much more than other cats), but I think the not knowing is what gets me. The last photo of the four is the most recent photo I have of him, courtesy of my mother, from November last year. My sister told me that after I moved out he would walk into my old room and cry for minutes on end, or look for me throughout the house for weeks afterwards. I visited him as often as I could, once every two weeks or so, but I never felt properly welcome there with my mum's boyfriend there, since we never got on well at all. Later last year my sister said something that i think sums up the situation well: "I can't believe we lost our childhood home and our cats for some guy mum broke up with two months after she moved." Mum still has Cassie, and I can't blame her for making decisions that she thought would add to her happiness, but I don't know if I will ever get over losing Toby like that. He was one of my reasons to keep living through the worst years of my worst mental health, my light in the darkness. He was a constant I didn't know I needed until I lost it. The grief I've felt after losing him is something that has confirmed to me how much I need a companion animal in my life, and the past two years of not living with an animal of any kind has really cemented that for me.

Anyway. if you got this far, give your pets a kiss or a scritch for me, and tell them you love them.

[uwupissarozzieuwu]

(re: the 3 robofizzes that work at ozzie's) Imagine this: Fizz probably doesn't see normal Robofizzes that often. He doesn't really have a reason to, and he finds them kind of creepy. So when Ozzie's gets three new ones to swing in for him when he's not working that day, it's more or less the first time he gets to see how they act.

Fizz, watching RoboFizz #1 tell a joke: No. That's not funny. I would never say that. I hate it. Burn him

Staff member: He is only capable of saying words from a database of things you've been recorded saying. You must have said that at some point.

Fizz: I am going to kill myself

And then he realizes they've been programmed based on the him that existed about 10-15 years ago. Of course they're out of date! So now it's like his personal mission to bring them up to speed on how he acts in the current day, because he can't have them acting weird in Ozzie's and ruining his rep. He lets them sit backstage and watch and learn from him. He talks to them. At a certain point he starts giving them random little treats/objects he likes (because...they're him, right? they're supposed to like the same things he likes?) as rewards for good behavior, which devolves into him just gifting the Robofizzes things for fun. They're robots, but they're programmed to be able to emote. And Fizz finds it oddly healing to see his robot selves happy.

YESSSSSSSS I LOVE THISSSSSSSS omggg I love these robofizzes lmao

I love the idea of them actively learning!! Sometimes, they’ll just stand/sit there an observe him, and the things they learn will start to show later. But other times, they actively mimic and copy him, real-time. Which, can sometimes turn chaotic pretty fast 😅 Like, once, Fizz was cussing out a member of the stage crew, and *all three robofizzes* were copying him, also cussing out that stage crew member, rip

They also have to learn when to do certain things, and learn that there are some things that they really shouldn’t mimic. Whether it be because it’s private, or because they’re robots, and certain things that Fizz does could be completely unnecessary, or straight up harm them. Like that time one of them had to be repaired because it chugged an entire jug of iced coffee. That… that was a mess, lmao.

They’ve also picked up on a few of Fizz’s bad habits, and Fizz gets so incredibly embarrassed about it 😅 Like one time, Fizz caught one of them mimicking a potty dance backstage, and he nearly ripped the thing’s arm off 😅

Anyway, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this 👀 What other chaos would they get up to? What rewards would Fizz gift them?? Would Fizz ever punish them??

[kookie211071]

A note to myself before the year ends..

Sometimes it's just too hard for us all. Sometimes it's not. You feel happy sometimes...you feel bad sometimes... sometimes life feels like it's hell.. sometimes it feels rosy and garden-garden.

Idk why am I saying this...but I'm just happy at the current moment. The moment while I'm typing this very sentence. I feel happy and blessed. I wonder why i don't feel the same when I'm sad. Haha. Just feeling blessed for my life and also guilty for those days when used to say that life is shitty. I just feel like thanking God for giving me the gift of life. Maybe some small moments of joy serve as a reminder that you should value life and shouldn't rant about it. Life is all about making your way through all the challenges and rewarding yourself with good moments of joy... to feel blessed and energetic, yet again.

I've been feeling happy these days. Genuinely. And the reason is not because something great happened today. These days are still the same. It's just ME, who has recently been living differently. I've recently started doing meditation and yoga after waking up early in morning. I've started listening to fiction audiobooks which are free on YouTube and recently have been listening to this audiobook- "It ends with us" by Colleen Hoover.

This book makes me blush and happy all the time. I listen to it whenever I'm doing my household chores, which I usually find boring and I procrastinate. Now I'm doing these chores happily since I give myself the permission to listen to this audiobook while doing the tasks. It's one of the best feelings trust me. It gives me the motivation to do something, rewarding myself at the same time...which makes the whole process really joyous and relaxing.

I've been spending a good amount of quality time with my parents too. When my dad returns to home after his tiring day at the office, when my mom is done with the major household chores, when my younger sister is back from school and done with her homework...we all TALK. Just keep talking and laughing and it's really good. I hate to admit this but I never really used to value these precious moments before. But now when I do, i feel grateful for all this every single day.

I was making myself belive that I'm in depression for a long time lol. Always self criticising myself, telling myself how bad my life is and having a negative perception about nearly everything. I was forcing myself into just existing and not LIVING my life.

Life is beautiful and we need to value it. As I said above that all the days were the same. What changed was my perception and some of my habits. A change of perception of life from that of a negative to a positive one. A change of habits from that of staying awake till late night and waking up the next afternoon to now sleeping early and waking up early to do yoga-meditation and ground myself.

I've accepted myself now. At the same time, I'm improving myself too. Self improvement and self acceptance go hand in hand and are the two different sides of the same coin. You'll only improve yourself once you accept yourself the right way and start loving yourself. Also, self-reflection is really important as I'm doing right now.

This year is about to end and I'm proud of myself for realising all this just at the right time. I'll be setting some realistic goals for myself and gonna work upon them keeping all these things in mind. I hope I can be a better person at the end of the upcoming year.

One thing that I wanna tell to myself and to the ones who will be reading this (if they do):- If you think you have a mental disorder or illness like depression or something similar, it's okay. It wasn't your choice to go through this. But, GETTING OUT OF IT is certainly a choice. If you can't FIND happiness, you need to BUILD it for yourself. Just like I did.

Xoxo

[jacksonthelizardking]

Getting to know Jackson. I hope it doesn't bore you, and if it does, by all means... stop reading.

That said, let's get to the first in what may become a series of questions.

Lets get to know you.

I had played in the Teen Wolf verse a few times, dabbling here and there. Played Scott for a minute, done a few side stories as others, but I saw no good Jackson's out there. The ones I did see had zero grasp on who he was at all. It was like they were playing him without seeing who or what the character was. Personally, it always bothers me when I see a great character who is supposedly canon and yet played completely against type. I think it takes a very devoted mindset to play someone that is canon and bring them to life. For that reason alone, I typically play original characters that allow me flexibility but Jackson had wiggle room, as you will learn below.

The moment I took on the challenge of portraying Jackson Whittemore, it was like my muse just exploded inside and he came pouring out of me. He wanted me to play him. He knew he could trust me and showed me all his sides. Yes, I know how that sounds, but hey, I'm a writer. Enough said. Ironically, or perhaps thankfully, the character of JW and myself harbor the same offbeat sense of humor, the same chip-on-the-shoulder past, the same struggle to not be undermined and stand strong while being cautious that you're uncertain. The struggles of coming out can often be the same.

So, I will say that it seemed an amazing fit and I was told time and again that I did him justice, to the point that some knew better to even add me if they couldn't handle Jackson. Yes, I heard about many but that was before I evolved him. Now this will cut to the heart of the question as to why I write him. My re-birth of Jackson began when I heard Colton was not returning for season 3 of TW, or shortly thereafter. I felt robbed of an evolution that I needed, wanted. I let it go for a while but something sparked in me to keep him going beyond high school. All I had to go on was that Derek had shown him a few things before he left for London and presumably, college.

At this point, I knew he would not be canon any longer but I have always strived for the best fit to keep him as the same person, evolving over time. Will you still see his snarky side? Oh yes. Sometimes people are put off by it actually, but I remind them gently ooc, which should not need to be done, that this is just who Jackson is. He does not have some instant rapport with much of anyone. I can think of several who cannot understand why I have played him like that, but to me, this is canon. Jackson has genuine depth as opposed to just being malleable to all situations.

I would say that playing him has become a very rewarding experience that I did not know would impact me. There are people that I both respect and admire in this community of gifted writers who have not only loved what I have done with Jackson but gravitate to him, to be a part of his ongoing adventures. I know a handful of some of the best writers and it still blows my mind that I get to do this sometimes. I am thankful for the many blessings of this creation and getting to share stories, share their joys and triumphs.

As a final note, I can say that playing Jackson has opened a creative well in me that is ever-expanding. In my portrayal, I easily brought him into the 6th season return for where he was at and stuck with the timeline of the origins. That stated, I genuinely hope this upcoming new venture with Teen Wolf will not alter him too terribly, but if it does, I will try to keep him canonically based and see how it all unfolds. May the adventure ever continue for us all.

To all my fellow writers and friends, I thank you deeply.

~Jackson's writer

[greenstarmotivation]

She loves me.

I shared this and a photo of my sister on Facebook earlier today. I’ve modified it for this platform.  My older sister loves me so much. She is one of the most generous people I have met in my life. From a young age, she did everything she could to take care of us kids. She tried so hard and never got anything but grief from us. I'm ashamed to say that I've often taken advantage of that generosity, not intentionally, but I did. When I was a teenager and young adult, she was the person I called to help me out of every single horrible situation I got myself into. And, there were some bad, life-altering situations. She never judged me, just helped in whatever capacity she could. 

I remember at my lowest point, when I wanted to die, she told me to go get my hair done and she'd pay for it. I needed to change my perspective on myself. I did and it did. Since then, whenever I'm feeling down, I remember to do one thing to change my perspective. 

She's the reason my business is "Changing lives one perspective at a time." 

For the longest time, she was the "wealthiest" person I knew- but she and her husband didn't really have much for a lot of those early years. What they did have was perseverance and tenacity, and the capacity to do better with the cards they were dealt in life. They worked hard and shared what they could with our family. I took it for granted. 

My sister helped me clothe and feed my children throughout the years, when I was down and out on my luck. After my first divorce, she started sending me her $25 rewards gift cards from Target with instructions to spend it on myself. She knew I put everyone else ahead of me. She sent me those cards for years, until I finally was stable and able to provide for myself and my children without assistance from anyone. I know that once I stopped receiving that generosity, she started sending those to my children and others to help in the same way. Just a few years ago, when I lost both jobs, my apartment, and had to voluntarily repo my truck, she sold me one of their vehicles, had her husband drive it half way to me, and even filled up the gas tank and gave me money to get home.

She's a giver. She can't help it. 

I've done her wrong so many times throughout my life, and she's always been there. Sis, I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you. I wonder what it's been like to be on the receiving end. Will you forgive me for being selfish and ungrateful? I love you!

[flowerandthesongstress]

The February-2023 writing update and some very important info.

It’s been a year since I stopped sharing my writing to ao3/publicly. I took inventory again. During this time I have 1) overall written ~580k words (go me) 2) at the tail end of it managed to publicly share 7k of them, all g-rated, all allegorizing the same stuff (not immigration, for once 😳). Go me? No, not really. The credit for convincing me goes to someone else. I'm still locked in a battle with myself regarding my reservations about sharing anything else online again; it's starting to feel like I just don't possess the emotional capacity to overcome these reservations in full, but I'm not giving up.

The rest is the same. Yes, you can request private access to my main stuff, the methods for contacting me are in the pinned post, blah-blaaah, you probably already know the drill, sup bruh how's it going.

But, as this one question and this one issue have been popping up again and again over the last few months, I’ll just say it here for convenience. 

First off, the answer to that question: yes, it’s free, of course it’s free! I would never monetize/publish my writing. 🤦🏻

Second. The issue. If you already have access or aren’t interested, please disregard, carry on, and have a good day and a salad. 

Here goes.

Louder for those in the back: writing, however hard the process, is its own reward; sharing isn't. You've done enough damage already. Please don't make sharing into a punishment.

If you’re about to contact me and ask me to share with you directly, I would implore you to first go/return to that very same pinned post, click the link behind the ‘why?’ of me no longer sharing online, and read what’s there. And then I would like you to take a few moments to ask yourself if you’re doing something described in that post — or doing something generally inconsiderate.

If you, for instance, having never reached out to me before in any capacity — even the One-button Pressing and ‘thank you, reading this brought me comfort’ capacity — are about to ask me to send you the link to uuuuh, something that took me over two years to create. So that you could binge hundreds of thousands of words and, still just as silent, yeet off..? Or if you’re about to ask for this link while informing me how excited you are for ‘more hot threesomes’ and how much you love my ‘porn’ (...I just 🤦🏻‍♀️ oh god why, WHY).  

Please, I beg of you, at least try to get self-aware for a second. If you personify one of the reasons why I stopped sharing publicly, yet now you want me to share with you directly, please ponder: whatever for would I be doing that? More disillusionment? Higher therapy bills? What comfort, support, communal bonding, friendship, education, enlightenment — and dopamine — does this miserable sod stand to gain from sharing her writing with you, o Silent Lurker/Mindless Consumer of ‘Content’/Person with a Raging Fetish/Person Who Thinks That Allegory Is A Reptile From Florida? 

Hmm? What’s that? You’d be bestowing upon me the miracle and gift of you gracing my unworthy scribbles with your priceless attention?

Heard this one before, more than once. More than a dozen times. Actually, I lost count by now. That misguided, social-media-induced, performative-everything-induced, clout-or-die, late-stage-capitalist, voyeuristic notion that a thing has no ‘value’ until it’s getting seen and that one should feel grateful for being clicked on. Or that writers like me aren’t humans, but just these free vending machines that exist solely to supply you with ‘content’, and shouldn't beep out of line.

I'm sorry, but I actually like my writing and have a lot of respect for myself, my time, and my effort.

I am not a machine churning out product for you and your insatiable consumption needs, untreated childhood traumas, and specific fetishes; I'm a living being.

A living being who is writing exceedingly personal things and looking for meaningful interactions and connection. Looking to trust.

Otherwise, there is no point for me to share my writing with anyone but friends and loved ones. For the same reason why Abed never returned ‘Time Bandits’ to Blockbuster.

And Clicking things isn’t engagement; botting programs click things. Haters and plagiarizers click things.

If I was fine with the status quo, I would have continued sharing everything to ao3, without any dubious acrobatics.

Plus, I’ve got some safe validation at home. 

So I can do without this ‘miracle’ (that's actually just your entitlement and ignorance speaking) and I'm sure you can get your ‘content’ elsewhere, and I'm sure someone else would be happy with being silently-stalked and/or treated like a business. Personally? Pass.

I do not want you as a reader. Please do not delude yourself by thinking that your capitalist paws and brainrot are of any emotional value to me; on the contrary, it would be a blessing to not have you as a reader. Escaping the attention of you and your brethren is like dodging a bullet.

...

All of the buffoonery and yapping aside, it hurts to see this shit again and again and again. To be honest, I no longer even bother replying to some of those messages. Sometimes I just block, run for hugs, then do my best to move on, not cry, and not feel heartbroken. The astonishing levels of entitlement, the utter lack of self-awareness — it's painful to witness. The fact that people like this are almost always from the USA, white, and in their early twenties, is also very telling. And horrifying.

…No? Not you? All good? Expressed your support/appreciation before? Are self-aware, mindful, emotionally mature, and considerate? Perhaps you even like to correct other people’s grammar? Do understand that I am not in any fandoms and am not interested in ‘blorbos’ and ‘headcanons’? Actually mean it when you say you like my writing? Did not fail to notice which one is tagged as [if you only read one work by me]? Would not be opposed to chatting sometime? Want some pomegranate molasses on your salad? Agree that Roland Barthes should be resurrected for a minute just so I could slap him with a catfish? That’s awesome, then please feel free to message me and poke me for the link(s), it’s some really good shit. 

Update, done.

[steelcityreviews]

PREVIEW INTERVIEW: Midsummer Nights: A Dream

After a two year hiatus, Tottering Biped Theatre is officially announcing the company’s return of their acclaimed Summer Shakespeare Series. Formerly at the Royal Botanical Gardens, Tottering Biped Theatre has moved its performances to the grounds of Hamilton's Dundurn Castle and Ancaster's Fieldcote Park which will no doubt grant audiences an accessible experience in some of the city’s naturally staged beauty, allowing the creative influence of both Shakespeare and the company to thrive once more. 

Midsummer Nights: A Dream infuses Shakespeare’s 1595 magical comedy of lovers and faeries with a “liberation and social justice lens,” something Tottering Biped Theatre is renowned for exploring in all their works. 

Steel City Girl was thrilled to have a multiple person interview with cast members of Tottering Biped Theatre’s (TBT)’s Midsummer Nights: A Dream. The production features the talents of Alma Sarai as Hermia and Artistic Director (she/her), Claud Spadafora (she/her) as Puck and the production's Safer Spaces coordinator, and Rebecca Durance-Hine (she/her) as Helena. 

From L to R (Rebecca Durance-Hine, Alma Sarai and Claud Spadafora)

1. Can you describe what influenced you to audition for Tottering Biped’s production of Midsummer Nights: A Dream?

AS: When we did the first rendition in 2016, I auditioned when I was in my third year of theatre school. I was compelled to audition because Trevor Copp and TBT were offering a professional acting opportunity around the corner from where I lived. I am a nerd for Shakespeare and had a good feeling about it. I have been fortunate to be working with TBT ever since.

RDH: I first worked with Tottering Biped in 2019, and never have I been a part of a more collaborative, supportive, accepting, and engaging group or creative process. It’s pure joy working with these people, and I couldn’t wait to do it again! That’s one of the main reasons why I’m back this year. I also really love and appreciate the values that TBT holds dear and upholds, and I can support them by contributing my talents. TBT makes it a priority to employ artists at a living wage is not only wonderful but incredibly important, and the emphasis that they place on addressing social issues and inequalities in their work. I can’t express how valued and seen it makes me feel as an artist to be doing what I love and paying the bills with it. It never feels like work, and I think that’s just the most wonderful gift. How could I not come back this year??

2. What has been rewarding about bringing this production to life?

AS: Years and months of planning and work have gone into this. What’s been the most rewarding is seeing everything finally take shape after the hiatus. I am so proud of this team and the intense and incredible work they are putting into this legacy project. Both returning and new members have been inspiring to work with, it makes my heart soar!

RDH: TBT approaches the creation process and the rehearsal environment in a way that I very much respect, and I love getting to see more and more people experience it. It’s highly collaborative, very free, extremely supportive, and is absolutely one of the most inclusive theatre spaces and processes that I have ever had the pleasure of being a part of. It’s hard to describe how rewarding it feels to be trusted to create collaboratively with every single team member. No one is above anyone else, everyone’s offers are appreciated, and it results in some of the best shows I’ve experienced. 

3. What has been the biggest challenge about taking on the role of your character in Midsummer Nights: A Dream?

AS: I’ve changed and grown since the first time I played Hermia. What’s challenging is also exciting since I am relearning what I did previously and unlearning it at the same time to make room for the character as it fits in this version and with myself as the actor.

CS:  For me, the most challenging thing about doing any Shakespeare, any character, is always going to be making the text accessible and in line with my own modern values and perspectives. Cultural context is so much of what comedy is, and Midsummer Night’s Dream is a comedy. This, to me, presents a unique challenge to keep what’s still funny, throw out what doesn’t resonate, and subvert what makes us downright uncomfortable. It comes as no surprise that the role of women (as just ONE example) is very different in our world than in the world of a 400 year old play. Luckily, it’s not hard to rearrange and make a mess of such an old text, either. As I love to say, Shakespeare is very dead. He won’t mind.

RDH: With TBT’s emphasis on social justice issues and equality, it can make aspects of the Bard’s work challenging to stage. These are old works, from a time very different than our own. Stereotypes and tropes about people of colour and women are often used for comedic effect by Shakespeare - in fact, the storylines often depend on them – and those are elements that we always rework. Helena, my character, is not treated well in A Midsummer Night’s Dream, and I have to admit that I was worried when I was first given the role. How were we going to portray her in a way that wasn’t pathetic, pitiable, weak, submissive, or any other negative views of women that are so often present in many works, not just Shakespeare? That has been the biggest challenge for me, finding Helena’s strength (quite literally, as you will see in the show!), rewording and reworking the text, exploring how we can present all of the characters with respect, equality, and truth. But it’s been a challenge that I have thoroughly enjoyed tackling, and I can’t wait to see how audiences react to our adaptation of this classic.

4. What have you learned about yourself as an actor while playing this role?

RDH: I always seem to gravitate towards dramatic roles, and while I can definitely be funny in my personal life, I’ve never thought of comedic acting as a particular strength of mine. I’ve learned through this creation process though that I’m far more capable of comedy than I thought! Isn’t it interesting, the often-false stories that we tell ourselves? Because the creative team at TBT gave me the freedom and safety to explore and play and take the reins with my character, it allowed me to tap into my comedic side way more than I have in the past, and that’s absolutely something I will be taking away with me into my future roles.

5. How is Tottering Biped’s production bringing something new to the staging and story of A Midsummer Night’s Dream?

AS: TBT tends to make its productions highly physical. This much is true of this staging, but the staging of scenes and transitions that are musical and physical helps to eliminate exposition (what happened in the previous scene or off-stage to explain) and create a visual spectacle to make the language more accessible.

CS: We’re not precious with the text, characters, or overall original intent. Also, one of my favourite things that Tottering Biped’s yearly outdoor Shakespeare productions always do that I love is physicalize passages that are usually covered by text. This makes it so much easier to connect with the imagery and the relationships, especially if you feel intimidated by the archaic text. I’m also happy to say that our version has queer and trans characters! This is a play about relationships, love, and romance, and it has about 20 characters, so it would be ridiculous to assume that every single one is straight and cis.

RDH: We’re looking at Midsummer through a much different lens than traditional mountings of it. Gone is the misogyny, discrimination, and coercion for comedic effect. Like all of our Shakespeare shows, this is also a highly physical adaptation, and so much comedy is coming out of that. This group of artists is incredibly talented, and the show is absolutely reaping the benefits of that.

6. William Shakespeare’s plays are frequently reimagined and revamped for modern audiences. How does this work speak to audiences and what do you hope audiences take away from this show?

AS: My greatest hope is that someone walks away and says, “That was nothing like how I imagined it when I read it.” These plays were meant to be performed and seen, not necessarily read. We want to speak to modern audiences by not being precious about the language, but by using the language as a vehicle for understanding combined with physical renderings of moments to provide clarity and hilarity. I’ve had a blast making this, so I hope folks have a blast attending!

For more information about this inventive and reimaged classic, please visit: https://www.totteringbiped.ca/2022-a-midsummer-night-s-dream

The Cast of Midsummer Nights: A Dream from L to R: 1. MATTHEW LAZARIS-BRUNNER 2. DESMOND LAZAR 3. CLAUD SPADAFORA 4. MORGAN HILIKER 5. ALMA SARAI 6. MICHAEL HANNIGAN 7. KENDELLE PARKS 8. NATASHA RAMONDINO 9. REBECCA DURANCE HINE 10. JESSE HORVATH 11. ZACH PARSONS

[those-unspoken-things]

Cacoon [30/05/2022]

It’s been a long long month. 28 days and some change has felt like years on end. Not sure how this ends but damn has it been worth it’s weight in gold. I remember spending my last evening reading 40 rules of love and feeling like I was saying goodbye. Goodbye to the me that had found peace, goodbye to the sun that shone so kindly, goodbye to the silence that carried across the house, goodbye to the stolen seconds and skipped heartbeats at the sound of notifications. The irony was how the story ended in the book felt like it was a personal echo. Shams finding his end, was my end as well. I mean there was a solid reason I decided to finish that book before the wheels touched ground in the west.

Idk how this goes, I really don’t. I’ve said it here, I’ve said it on the musollou, I’ve said it in passing to friends; and it’s the truth. My truth and moral compass was guiding me towards faith. Faith in Him. Faith in his plan. Faith in his story. His narrative. His purity. What more do I need to do if he knows the best way to make this work. I realised how quickly it worked when I didn’t try to do it myself. Why try to make it work when he has the blueprint. So faith was my guiding star. No hope, no dream, no heartbreak; just faith. And lord, it worked better than I imagined.

Normally the switch after the silence is filled with familiar homely voices is one I always drew with a heavy heart but was comforted with the idea of normality. Not this time. Something is new in the air. Peace? Growth? Faith? Whatever it was, it felt right. It felt like a step in the right direction. It felt like the person who entered this moment in time, had come out the way he had always envisioned. But the beautiful thing was he came out without having tried changing. He did it by relinquishing control and leaning heavily on faith. And boy was his faith rewarded

My sins caught up with me and repenting unblocked the soul. I try to avoid saying someone was the reason for something; more that it’s Him who puts the person in the way and the inclination in heart for you to be guided. And that is exactly what happened. The only part that was my own volition(?) was repenting. That was a person debt that I had to settle in the only way I know, tears. Since then the weight has been removed, the debt is closer to being settled, the path ahead is less painful.

“It’s just been so easy”; her words not mine. Well technically mine but she carried it for me. You’ve seen the signs, you’ve put your heart on the table, you’ve been gifted with purity. I don’t know if this will give fruits, but it will be real regardless. What more can I have asked for?

Butterflies in my stomach. Those butterflies started as Cacoon’s. Pits in my stomach that spawned from fear of the uncertain, the doubt of truth, the pain of reality; all turned into butterflies. Every ping on my phone, every time the Cacoon held its spot on my lockscreen, showing my face would turn into butterflies. How beautiful hey?

[buckyownsmylife]

daddy issues - chapter xv

The one where Ransom doesn’t feel ready to become a father, but he should have thought about it before sleeping with a complete stranger.

When Ransom’s latest one night stand lets him know that he’s going to become a father, he finds himself looking for the qualities he never believed to have so he can become the parent he never got to witness as a child.

for general warnings and author’s notes, please go to the fic’s masterlist.

A/N for this chapter: this is 3.2k of unedited drama and I am so fucking proud of it. I wrote this entire thing today, and it’s easily one of the pieces I’m most proud of. So I haven’t been able to fit a proper conversation between the reader and Harlan - I couldn’t make the scene justified if his presence was there, since he does seem to be the one thing that keeps the family on the line - but that means I had some ideas of how I can make up for it in the future! Extra chapter? Perhaps. We are approaching the end though. I only have two more chapter planned for this fic and an epilogue. We’ll see how that goes!

Y/N’s P.O.V.

“Hey!” I got into the car excited to see him again, but I tried to reason with myself that it was all because of his visit to his grandfather’s publishing company, of course. I wanted to know how that went and I was curious as to what Harlan’s plans were, that was mostly it.

The fact that I had genuinely missed the man by my side after spending just four hours away from him had very little to do with it, or so I tried to tell myself. I didn’t know how to deal with depending so much on someone yet.

But I was trying to.

Ransom’s silence alerted me that something was different. I stopped trying to fix myself to look to the side and find him staring out the window, face expressionless and eyes void of any sentiment.

“Ransom, what’s wrong?” Reaching over, I squeezed his thigh to get his attention, and he jerked as if he was genuinely surprise by my presence in the small vehicle. “You look stressed,” I clarified, eyebrows furrowed in worry as I reached over to push away a strand of hair that had fallen out of place.

He just stared at me for a while and still I couldn’t read what he was thinking. Was he mad at me? Had I done something wrong? After what felt like eternity, he sighed, gripping the steering wheel as he looked on his lap and admitted, “I’m gonna have to go to this family dinner on Friday.”

Immediately, I breathed deeply in relief, suddenly realizing just how worried I actually was that his mood had something to do with me. But then I was reminded of the little that Ransom had told me about this family - even that little felt like too much.

I could only imagine the anxiety he was feeling, and my heart ached to soothe him as best as I could. “Do you want me to go with you?” I asked, running my digits over his nape calmly, keeping my voice as soft as possible to help him relax.

Still, his head snapped up so he could meet my eyes, his wide as two saucers as he struggled to process what I’d said. “… You’d do that?” He sounded so surprised, so genuinely shocked by my offer, that I couldn’t stop myself from giggling, taking both of his hands on mine and squeezing them gently.

“Of course I would, honey.” Ransom’s eyes were so soft as they stared into mine, even as my heart doubled its size in its effort to reach out for his, I found myself justifying, “You went with me to see my parents!”

The way his smile dropped at my explanation had me feeling cold and empty, desperate to see him look at me the same way he was doing only seconds ago.

“Besides,” I forced myself to admit it, trying not to sound as breathless as I felt while I opened my heart to him. “I-I don’t want you to go through that alone. I wanna be there for you, like you were for me.”

Immediately, I felt rewarded on my effort to open up by the smile he gave me. “Thank you, baby.” He squeezed my hand this time, and when he leaned over and connected our lips on a quick peck, my heart skipped a beat.

I was in love with this man.

Ransom’s P.O.V.

I sighed as we stood in front of my grandfather’s front door, trying to adjust my sweater that suddenly felt uncomfortable. Beside me, she seemed to be doing the exact same thing, fingers pulling on the end of the dress she was wearing, making me smile.

The dress highlighted her bump - it was now undeniable that she was pregnant and even if I’d never been particularly attracted to women in this stage of life, I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her now.

It was like she shined from within. Her beauty amazed me, and so when she noticed me staring and stopped fiddling with her clothes, straightening herself up to ask, “Do I look okay?” I had to stop myself from laughing.

“Yes.” More than okay. “But are you sure you won’t be cold?” We’d gone through this argument before leaving the house, so I was prepared to see her rolling her eyes as she reached out to take my hand in hers.

“Unless your family has the habit of dining outdoors regardless of the weather, I think we’ll be alright.” I chuckled, rubbing my thumb on the back of her hand, but it sounded nervous even to my own ears. It didn’t surprise me that she noticed it. “Are you ready?” She questioned, voice in that soothing tone she used whenever she noticed my stress.

“Not at all,” I admitted, but in all honesty, the prospect of joining my family for dinner didn’t seem as bad as it usually did. Not with her by my side.

“I’m here for you.” Hearing her say those words meant more to me than I was able to properly express at that moment so I just stared at her, taking in the fact that this incredible person actually cared about me.

“Just… don’t leave me alone, okay?” Her immediate nod had me smiling. It prompted me to once again lean over and connect our lips, only this time, when I tried to pull away, she kept me close with her hand on the back of my neck.

Who knows where this kiss might have led us if the door hadn’t open right at that moment, revealing my lousy uncle who stared from me to her with wide eyes?

“… She’s pregnant? With your baby?” A groan was all I could muster as a response, tugging her into the house with me. “When were you going to tell your family?”

“For fuck’s sake,” I cursed, looking around the living room for the bar. “Where’s the goddamn alcohol?” There was no way I’d be able to survive this night without it, as much as I wanted to be supportive of Y/N.

“I think that’s a bottle of scotch,” I heard her whispering next to me, pointing towards a corner of the room, and I sighed in relief at her understanding.

“Thanks, sweetheart.”

Y/N’s P.O.V.

An hour into the evening and I had already understood why Ransom was the way that he was - and why he liked his grandfather so much, despite how he felt about the rest of the family.

Harlan was gentle where all of his children were… prickly. In fact, he was the only one who addressed me at all, but I found myself feeling grateful for it, since when the dinner actually started, I wanted the rest of the family to forget about me completely.

“I am so sorry,” Harlan apologized, rubbing his hands nervously as he stared at the rest of the family who was walking towards the dining room. “I sleep early, everyone knows that, but this is the only time they could all gather and since they didn’t know you were coming…”

I waved away his apologies, offering him a hug as I wished him good night. “Just as long as you’ve had your dinner, Harlan. Thanks for welcoming me into your home.”

He accepted my embrace easily, taking advantage of the proximity to whisper in my ear, “Just hang on to him, dear. I promise it’ll be worth it.” I smiled when we parted, nodding in confirmation to his words.

“It already is,” I assured him, but he only sighed.

“Make sure to remember that during dinner…” Now I understood why. It started with a simple question, one of the maids offered me some meat, and when I hesitated to answer…

“God, are you daft, girl? Have you never eaten lamb?” My eyes widened in surprise, but before Ransom could have the chance to throw himself at his mother, I just squeezed his thigh.

“I was going to ask her if there was any oregano in the sauce. It’s been making me feel sick.” I didn’t need to add why - the reminder of my situation, of what led me to be there with them in this dining room was very clear in me.

And still, that didn’t stop them.

“That’s a pretty necklace…” Ransom’s father commented before we could even grab a bite. I chuckled to myself, immediately catching onto what he wasn’t saying.

“Thanks, I got it at a little boutique back home. It was a gift for myself after I got my first paycheck.” I could feel Ransom’s gaze on me, the waves of pride rolling from him in waves. It made me smile, but it was just the calm before the storm.

“Ransom, have you contacted a lawyer?”  This question came from his uncle’s wife, Donna - I think that’s what she was called. Not that she tried to introduce herself to me or anything, but Harlan made sure I knew everyone’s name as soon as I stepped inside the house.

“Why?” Ransom’s tone was vicious and his squinted eyes alerted everyone that he was prepared for a strike, but the fact that he still hadn’t anticipated what was coming almost made me laugh.

Even Donna herself hesitated, unbelieving that he was going to make her say it. “There’s no way you’re that stupid.” And just like that, the doors to hell were opened up.

Ransom’s P.O.V.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, but then again, was I really surprised?

“You should make sure to draw a prenup,” Donna insisted, while the rest of the family pretended not to hear, undoubtedly coming up with their own ways to insult Y/N. “Something that will assure only your kid has access to your money.”

I could hear Y/N quietly laughing to herself next to me, but while she was able to find the irony in the situation amusing, all I felt was blinding rage.

“God, do you even hear the shit you say? I never asked for your input, this, right here, is precisely why I didn’t tell any of you all about my baby.” I saw Y/N flinch from the corner of my eyes before I heard my mother’s fork drop against the precious porcelain dish she was pretending to eat from. I knew this was the sorest topic of discussion for her. I knew this was why she had been pretending Y/N wasn’t even there, hadn’t even been invited to dinner with me.

“Fair enough,” she spoke, lying back against her chair as she finally raised her eyes to meet mine. “I don’t know if we even should learn anything about this child, considering it most likely isn’t even yours.”

It was like someone had thrown a bucket of ice over me. Y/N was oddly quiet now, seemingly as frozen as me - and when I realized that, my anger returned with twice its power.

“Watch your fucking mouth,” I warned, just as my mother retorted, “Don’t you talk like that to me.” I didn’t even have the chance to talk back when she stroke again. “You fuck so many ransom desperate chicks, I’m surprised this is the first you knocked up.”

This was as insulting to her as it was to me, and it also struck a chord in me because of how I feared this was just reinforcing Y/N’s views of me. “Don’t say shit like that,” I threatened, to no avail. “Don’t talk about her like that.”

“Ransom…” Her sweet voice tried to intervene, but I was too far gone to hold myself back now. I couldn’t stand the thought that I was hurting her because I was the reason she was here in the first place.

“You know nothing about her, and yet you feel comfortable judging her,” I continued, ignoring her completely. “She’s a lawyer, actually. You would know it if you had even bothered to talk to her. If there was ever the need for a prenup, I’d have her draw it.”

Maybe they thought I’d stop at that - I thought so myself, until I realized there was still so much I wanted to get out, and I was going to do that now.

“And you know what? I trust her more than I trust you, and I came out of you. So maybe you should consider that before you attack the one person I try to introduce to my family.” I hated everything about this. I hated how they still managed to get to me, how the fact that my own mother, who I didn’t even respect, still managed to make me feel inadequate about the one thing in my life that made me excited.

I knew I’d always lose with them. They just had this way of inciting the beast in me - they brought out the worst in me, and I felt helpless to fight it.

“Okay, so she’s not some random skank,” my uncle oh-so-helplessly interrupted, immediately making me want to punch him in his stupid face. “But this just means she’s the one playing you.”

“Oh, shut up!” I threw my hands up, pushing my chair away from the table, fully intended to storm out of the room until Meg was the one who stopped me dead in my tracks.

“Did you even get a paternity test, Ransom?” She seemed almost uncomfortable to voice it, eyes darting from me to Y/N, but I could read her apologetic smile perfectly.

She just didn’t want someone else to get Harlan’s attention and interest because that would potentially mean less money to each and everyone of the people in this room, as he’d add one more person to his aid list.

My father took advantage of what Meg said, waving in her direction. “Don’t you know how important this family is? How quickly she could rise in any job because of a connection to us?”

My mother scoffed, finally ready to interfere again. “Knowing she’s actually smart leaves me even more surprised that you’ve relented and decided to become someone’s little plaything until this baby pops out. I’m assuming a few months with a screaming kid and you’re just gonna abandon her anyway. Which is fine by me, I won’t have to pretend to be a grandmother for long.”

Y/N’s P.O.V.

All I could think was how grateful I was that I had accompanied him to this dinner tonight. As I watched his chest heaving with fury, I could not imagine how he would have felt having to deal with all of this on his own.

“Ransom,” I tried to catch his attention, pulling him back to his seat. “Ransom, it’s okay,” I tried to appease him, but he was too fucking gone to care.

“No, it’s not okay, he pushed my hand away, getting up from his chair to lean over the table, both hands on top of it as he stared at his mother.  “What the fuck is wrong with you?” He yelled, making me flinch, although Linda hardly seemed bothered by it.

Then, much to my surprise, Ransom straightened up, running a hand through his hair as an emotionless chuckle escaped him. “No, you know what? You’re right. You’re not gonna be a grandmother. I’m gonna be a father, Harlan’s gonna be a great-grandfather, but that’s it. I’m not gonna keep taking your shit anymore, Linda, you know why? Even if this child wasn’t mine, I’d still want her and this kid.”

My heartbeat pumped out of control as he continued, “She’s not just someone who’s carrying my child. I care about her. And if you can’t respect her, than I guess I was right in keeping this pregnancy from you.”

I held my breath as Ransom apparently caught his, my head swirling with the different emotions running through me - my infatuation for this man, who had so fiercely defended me from his entire family, the adrenaline from witnessing such a vicious argument.

I truly believed this would be the end of it. I didn’t know where they could go from here - that was, of course, until Linda decided to attack him.

“Oh, and you think you’re going to be so great with it?” My blood boiled when her words turned against her own son so easily. Attack me and my dignity? That was okay, these people didn’t know me.

But seeing her attack Ransom was just too much for me.

“Do you think she’ll want to keep you around once she realizes she’ll be raising two children with you to weigh her down?” Ransom visibly faltered, like she had slapped him, and that’s when I had enough. “You’ll never be able to give her the emotional support that she needs and you know that.”

I rose to my feet at that, holding onto my lower back as I softly slapped Ransom’s back in an attempt to calm him down. “I got this, babe.” He was so surprised - and still so hurt by his mother’s statements - that he didn’t even try to stop me. In fact, I think he didn’t even realize what was going on until I turned to Linda and started talking.

“Do you really think that poorly of your son that you can’t believe he has anything to offer in a relationship?” Now she was the one who looked up at me with an expression that looked like I had physically hurt her.

“Is it that unbelievable to you, that someone would be able to like him for him?” She didn’t seem to be able to find anything to answer to me, and when I turned to Richard, I was also met with silence.

Ransom’s P.O.V.

“Well, I do,” she announced, like it was the single most obvious thing, the simplest fact to deduce in the world, while I stood back watching her with my mouth hanging open. “I like him enough to be willing to open up to him even if one day he might leave me because to me, he is worth any possibility of future pain.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I’d never had anyone defend me like this, not even Harlan - not even my parents, when I was a kid and the bigger children decided to bully me.

No, back then all I got was a talk about how “real men don’t cry” and if my father ever caught me cowering from someone else again he’d give me a real reason to be afraid.

“And I do say possibility,” she continued, not having raised her voice for even a second and still to effortlessly able to catch the attention of everyone in the room, assure herself the ground to speak her mind without the fear of interruptions. “Because Ransom’s actions have never given me any reason to think that outcome is even remotely probable.”

“So maybe you think about your own opinions of your son’s character and see if they don’t reflect your own more than they reflect his actions.” She turned around after that, tiny hand encircling my wrist as she began to yank me in the direction of the front door.

“Let’s go.”