#but for now if blowing hundreds on a m+g that 16 year old me would've lost her entire mind for is possible for me then why the fuck not
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#probably the really fucked up thing about how i keep living under the treat myself mentality is that i still can't quite picture my future#for so long i just assumed Something would happen to nullify it mattering what i spend my money on#like years of suicide ideation and general depression just floated underneath the surface#and to have financial stability now just makes me think why shouldn't i spend money on things that make me feel like life is worth living#i know i should save more money. but when i work too much and don't spend money i start getting really angry at capitalism#and how angry i am at the daily grind in general. I know there's a balance in there somewhere.#but for now if blowing hundreds on a m+g that 16 year old me would've lost her entire mind for is possible for me then why the fuck not#I'm trying to live a life that would make younger me believe that everything was worth it. all the pain and doubt.#I'm a grown up now and maybe i should be more responsible but i also need to feel like there's meaning in my life and sometimes that costs $#personal#this is a rant in tags as i look at my credit card bill with dread lmao#am i just justifying my reckless decisions? maybe.
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