#but eugh.. i hate executive decisions when it comes to our 'elite'

[anyu-blue]

You know...

I'm not looking for someone to deal with me.. I'm not look for someone to fix all my problems either. That is not what I want or what I demanded of my previous relationship...

I'm a lot to handle and I do not expect anyone to do it for me or without wanting to in the ways they do. And I'm okay with people changing their minds.

I do know that I'm looking for pieces of me in other people though... You know.. things like being willing to motivate and cheer others on... Things like not expecting anything in return for love, but occasionally needing it (as is human) and getting some when asked (Because I know, personally I'm an idiot and can miss cues, but I'm more than happy to provide if I'm told where I'm falling short on needs- and I know I struggle sometimes too, but will always own up to it and let anyone be unhappy or angry with me as needed-- I've especially gotten better at that in recent years).

I'm also not look for someone to hold me and tell me 'oh poor baby, you got your feelings hurt and you have no responsibility for that' when I'm cussed out and brought to tears at work like I have been today.... No. While sometimes stuff like that is nice... I'm looking for someone to be understanding and willing to look at the whole picture with me. Just look. And if they want to gently/kindly tell me I did fine or I fucked up... Well that's icing on the cake.

I'm more than willing to do that for people. I do it for my sisters and my brother all the time... I do it for my friends when they're freaking out over something. I listen first (as best I can) and then talk with them about it. Usually they leave the conversation feeling better or totally pissed.. and if they leave totally pissed there's rarely been a case where they haven't come back when they were calm to tell me thank you and/or to apologise... Because they realized I did mean all my words in kindness and though it's not what they wanted, it's what they needed... That happens a LOT. And I'm always here and okay they they want to walk away or say awful things- whether they mean them or not. It's okay...

I do the same thing. I know I do. Especially when I'm not paying attention... I get upset and over the top... And yeah I come crawling back with remorse and apology... And sometimes it's not enough for them and I understand. They get to walk away.

And I appreciate all my friends and family who do do these things when they can... ...

But idk man... I'm tired... I love helping people lift their burdens and help them on their way...

I just feel that a lot of the time... I'm alone with mine unless I scramble and scrape and work up the nerve to bug people....and I don't want that. I know I'm a handful... And that's why it's so easy for me to fall into traps like the one my Ex snared me with... Many of my exes actually (Though thankfully not all- I'm so grateful to still have one that's an amazing friend whenever she can be)....

It's hard to stand up and ask for these things... And when I do I've learned my lesson that if no reply is given and no effort is made following... To walk away.

But yeah... I still look... Because like many people I don't want to keep doing this on my own. It's hard. I want someone there to be able to help when I can't speak up... At least sometimes.

I can keep doing this on my own (with the support I DO have from friends and family) and I know that.. and that may end up as my fate... But I hope for more... To have someone be to me what I try to be to them. Working together, always. Through thick and thin. Not giving up. Being flexible. Being willing to push as well as pull- and not just I'm the ways comfortable and used to (again ex. He was willing to buy the world for me, which I didn't want... But unwilling to remind or motivate me to do a chore here and there, which I begged for because he wanted me to do that for him!)... Equal give and take... To work just as hard and care just as much...

Okay, maybe not just as much because I can definitely go overboard 😅 ... But.. enough, you know? I don't need that much. I try not to demand much either (Though some things we demand by default XP oops)...

But idk... I'm sad. I'm cold. My eyes still burn from me crying about comments made by someone random who DEFINITELY isn't worth my time today. I won't stoop to her level and call her names.. I just wish people weren't like that. And I've still got 4 hours of work left... And not much to look forward to going home to. I'll feel better once everything is cleaned, I know... But knowing it's waiting for me is... Exhausting.

Keep going. Keep going.

😂 the worst part is... If I desperately wanted everything I mentioned above so bad.. I'd have someone in a heartbeat. Problem is I'm not attracted to him. I don't like the way he treats me when I tell him I physically can't do something at the moment. I really don't like how he's treated me since telling him no ('has to distance' himself because I 'won't give him a chance' - reminds me of those 'nice guy' themes). I don't like how he treats his health. And I don't like how he treats his friends overall... I understand some things can be very upsetting, but if you flip out EVERY time Something inconvenient happens AND you're not interested in getting help or changing that yourself, well... No thank you. You do you, I won't judge you for it... But I don't want that as a partner. And if that makes me too picky... Well then I deserve to keep going it alone.

I will put up with a lot... As I appreciate most everyone who puts up with me... But we all have our lines too.

No one has to change for me... I am changing me and have been actively trying for a while now- there have been rough spots where it's been harder and stuff has ground nearly to halts... But I always have cared and tried even when struggling my hardest... Been quite a few close calls too... But if I don't judge people for it and try to understand and do my best and keep them going as much as myself... Why can't there be someone like that for me too?

There may be only one me... But in a world of billions... I'm not the only one and I know I'm not alone...

Maybe I'll get lucky... Maybe I won't or I'm already very lucky and don't 100% see it...

But well... Wishing for a little more... Trying for a little more especially... I hope it doesn't hurt...