#but by god i've never let this hellsite stop me before

[fexalted]

transcribed for anyone who needs it:

Beaming Up: DeForest Kelley

by Ruth Berman

DeForest Kelley arranged to meet me at a time when cast, crew and equipment would be shifting from Soundstage 1 back to the Enterprise on Stage 9, a maneuver which he knew from experience would leave him enough time to sit down for a while.  "Hello," he said, coming up behind me.  I turned to an unusual sight.  In "The Empath," Dr. Leonard McCoy had just been horribly tortured over on Stage 1.  The tunic of his uniform was in rags.  DeForest Kelley, on the contrary, was in normal health, and he briskly led the way to his dressing rooms, McCoy's rags fluttering around him.  "What have you got on your mind -- what do you want to know?" he asked.

"Well, about McCoy, for one thing.  What sort of a character would you say he is?"

"Well, that's.... What sort of a character."  Kelley stopped to consider.  "I think he is pretty well described in a brochure that Roddenberry put out in the early part of the first season.  He's a future-day Mencken, very out-spoken, and says what he thinks.  I picture him as a dedicated physician, who came aboard for some reason that hasn't been explained quite clearly -- why he came aboard in the first place -- perhaps from some deep hurt in his background.  But he somehow rather hates to see all of the computerized happenings going on about him.  I think that he feels the search for true adventure in medicine is slowly going as compared to... as opposed to, what's taking place through computers and so forth.  I have..." he hesitated.  "I know what McCoy is in my mind, and.... Right now it seems kind of hazy to me.  I guess maybe because I just got through doing a scene down there."

He turned to the folder that held his copy of the script and dug into it to take out the "brochure" on McCoy he had mentioned.  "I added a few notes that I haven't looked at in a couple of years, things that Walter Lippman said about Mencken -- he denounces life and yet makes you want to live, a reactionary in almost everything except affairs of health and matters of beauty."  Kelley looked over his notes.  "Somewhere here there's a beautiful, terrific phrase that Mencken said to someone..."  He found it. "'If after I depart this vale you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner, and wink your eye at some homely girl.'  I keep this brochure stuck down here in the script because every now and then I refer to it.  To try to keep my eye on the road, you know."

"This is a new kind of show for you to do, isn't it?  You haven't done much fantasy or science fiction before?"

"No," he said, "I was never a science fiction buff, although one of my very favorite shows was The Twilight Zone.  I was an avid fan of that show and wanted very badly to do that show.  But at the time it seemed that I couldn't connect with it.  I had seen some science fiction on the screen, and what I saw I liked, but I just never, you know, really got with it.  I still do not read science fiction.  I had been mostly involved in westerns, not as a choice, but something I fell into, in playing 'heavies.'  It was making me a very comfortable living, and I had just about figured, 'Well, this is the way I'm going to go. You've got to be paid, and the phone is ringing occasionally, and I'm making a pretty decent living.'  And I couldn't knock it.  Then I did a picture with Bette Davis and Susan Hayward called Where Love Has Gone.  It was not considered a good film, but it for some reason did a lot for me.  It got me out of the 'heavy' thing.  It was the first thing I had done that was not a western in a long time.  But I was not born a cowboy!"

He went on, "My being in this show is a strange situation in itself.  I have made only two television pilots.  I've been in this business 21, 22 years, and in all my years I've only made two television pilots where I would have been a running character.  Both of those pilots were for Gene Roddenberry.  The first was 333 Montgomery, in which I portrayed Jake Ehrlich, the criminal lawyer, and in which I was to star.  That didn't sell.  Then I was turned down for Star Trek.  Roddenberry wanted me, but somebody else didn't, and so I was turned down -- Gene was disappointed, and so was I -- for the doctor role.  So they hired John Hoyt.  Later, Gene did another pilot, Police Story, and he called me in again for that.  And after I had done Police Story, why, they decided that I should really play the doctor on this show!  This is the first series I've ever done.  It's a new experience for a free-lance actor."

"Quite a different pace, I suppose, much heavier," I said.

"Yes, it is.  It's very tiring.  It's rewarding in many ways, but it's an exhausting routine.  Matter of fact, we're all kind of run-down."  He looked ruefully at his cigarette.  "Probably smoke too much.  I know that Bill is weary, and Leonard, and so am I.  The pace kind of catches up with you, but then a week goes by, and you kind of get your second wind.  I can't help but believe that this is a more difficult show to do than, let's say, a western or a dragnet or something of that nature.  We're vitally concerned, all three of us are, with this show, the scripts -- even after we get the script we're concerned.  It may reflect sometimes as an antagonism, but it isn't antagonism, it's simply wanting it to be right, and as a result we sometimes have to have a few fights, you know, to get it that way."

"I've noticed changed between even the final script and the show," I commented, "often very small changes, but they often make a great improvement."

"That's right," he said, nodding.

"There was one show where you were in the 1930's, and McCoy was coming out from under the influence of a drug, but still groggy.  In the script he falls asleep saying to a girl, 'Quite all right, I don't believe in you either.'  But the way it came out was, 'Quite all right, my dear, I don't believe in you either.'  Which sort of captured his gentleness and gallantry."

"Right," said Kelley.  "That was 'City of the Edge of Forever,' a Harlan Ellison story.  I thought that was one of the better shows that we did.  We've done a number, but I think that was one of my favorites.  And I liked 'Metamorphosis,' and I thought 'Miri' was a good show."

I had disliked "Metamorphosis" and was surprised at his including it.  I said cautiously, "Those all had pretty good roles for McCoy.  Do you think that's one reason you remember them?"

"It may be," he began, thinking the question over.  He stopped and shook his head.  "No, those were my favorites.  You couldn't say McCoy was featured in any of them.  I have never had more to do on a show than Bill or Leonard.  I have a pretty good role on this show, but McCoy has only been really featured one time -- and not really then.  That was in a show I can't even recall the title of. ["The Man Trap"]  It was not a very good show.  It led off the first season of the first year.  There was another one, 'Tomorrow is Yesterday' -- I had hardly anything to do in it -- a Dorothy Fontana script.  I was very light in it, but I thought it was one of the best."

Since learning how often Kelley had fought at the OK Corral, I had been wondering how he felt when Star Trek took him there.  "Were you startled when you first saw the script for 'Spectre of the Gun'?"

"Yes.  It's the third time I've done it.  I did it on You Are There, and I played Ike Clanton.  Hal Wallis saw me in it, and he was going to make the movie, so he called me and wanted me to do Ike Clanton in the movie, but I was committed to another picture, Tension at Table Rock, so I lost the role.  After I completed the film, they were still in production, and Wallis called and asked me to come along as Morgan Earp.  Then when I saw this script I rolled on the floor, and I thought 'My god, I'm doing it again in space!'  I called somebody, and I said, 'The only thing left is to do it as a musical.'  In this I was one of the.... There're a couple of brothers... McClowery brothers.  Leonard was one of the brothers, and I was the other.  It was a situation that could have been funny, but nothing was ever done about it.  It didn't emphasize that in that time Spock and McCoy were brothers, but it struck me as funny."

"What sort of roles would you like to do in the future, now that Star Trek has broken your image as a western heavy?" I asked.  "Would you like to do stage plays, for example -- you haven't done much stage work, have you?"

"Well, I started in live theater, in Long Beach, when I first came to live here," Kelley said.  "I had about eight years of stage work, five in Long Beach and three in New York.  At the same time, in New York, I was doing live tv.  I went there hoping to get to do a Broadway show.  I didn't -- it was nothing but heartbreak.  But I would still like to do a Broadway show.  It's a hunger, almost a lust for the theater.  I guess because I started there.  Each hiatus I've considered going out on tour with a show, though I haven't done it yet.  When this series ends, I think I'll take a fling at motion pictures.  But as far as what sort of role it would be.... I just don't know.  I've been every type of role from psychopath to psychologist, to hick-farmer, and so on.  I don't expect to be a leading man.  I don't picture myself as such.  I suppose it would be a character role.  I wouldn't object to doing a heavy again.  You know, I came along with guys like Jimmy Coburn, Lee Marvin -- we're all heavies.  Suddenly it all changed.  People noticed heavies do well in series, in sympathetic roles."

"Do you keep up with things like movies, plays, other tv shows?"

"I've been very negligent," he said.  "I used to, but now there are movies I haven't seen you wouldn't believe!  I usually have to get up at five, and if you go to bed at 12:30 or so you're not too sharp the next day.  But I'll have to.  Hit matinees or something."

"Do you watch your own show?"

"Yes, usually."

"Do you find it's helpful to you as an actor?"

"I guess it is," he said.  "I don't go to the dailies. You just see a lot of work-prints, and you don't know what it'll be like put together.  A lot of actors go.  But I don't.  None of us on this show do.  You know, there's one thing about re-runs -- I can relax and enjoy it as part of the audience.  'Gee, that wasn't such a bad show,' I sometimes realize.  The first time through I watch as an actor.  I see myself making mistakes I'm not aware of when we're on the set."

"Could you give me an example?"

"Well, like 'City' -- I fall on the needle, and Kirk kneels down, and I go into a madman's yell.  On stage it was good.  I thought I was yelling at the top of my range.  But on screen it just didn't have -- it didn't project the sort of horrible fear it was supposed to."

A crewman -- from the show, not the ship -- came in.  "You're needed for a lineup," he said.

DeForest Kelley said goodbye, and Dr. McCoy went back to the Enterprise.

-----

Just Ask

How long does it take to film an average episode of Star Trek?  (Linda K. Williams and Helen Strahl)    Six working days, or a bit over

How far in advance are they filmed, and are they filmed in the order shown?  (Mary Redding)    Filming for this fall began in May.  They are not shown in the same order.  For example, the pilot film, "Where No Man Has Gone Before," was not the first episode broadcast.

Will Star Trek have any new stars this year?  (Tony Boatright)    No.  Instead, the characters of the regulars will be developed in more detail.

How is the "star date" determined?  (Michael Hoy)    Randomly, within the format of four digits, a decimal point, and one digit more.  Because the order in which episodes are to be shown is not set until after they are filmed, it would be impossible to set up an internally consistent progression of dates.  Within a single script, the digits after the decimal measure tenths of a day and can change consistently.  In terms of the Star Trek universe, stardates are based on a mathematical formula which varies depending on location in the galaxy, velocity of travel, and other factors.

Here’s an interview with De from 1968 (during the filming of “The Empath”) from a fanzine called “Inside Star Trek”.

“Inside Star Trek” was the first official Star Trek fanzine, distributed through the first officially authorized Star Trek fan club.

The zine was published from 1968-1969 (during filming of the third and final season of the original series) and then again from 1976-1979 (during pre-production until Star Trek: The Motion Picture was released).

The artwork was a bit cheesy, but every issue featured behind the scenes info and an interview with one of the cast or production team (usually on set during a break in filming).

[hrodvitnon]

Ok, forgive me if the following is a bit aggro but I feel like a lot of people seem to forget some very important facts about Godzilla (the IP, not the character)

I genuinely can't take people who place blame on directors for 'bad Godzilla characterization' seriously. Especially Dougherty and Wingard. Before I get into my rant, I just feel the need to remind everyone of this quote Wingard gave in regards to writing Godzilla for GvK:

Toho actually has an entire laundry list of rules Godzilla needs to follow that came out around GvK's release. The actual list is super long and with a lot of frankly weird points, but this is one of their main ones. Theatrical Godzilla doesn't emote. That is what they tell directors and that's a rule they need to follow. But, on the same token, there are ways around it and some directors are afforded some negotiating power on this front. The quote, for example, is in reference to Goji's famous smile from GvK.

One of the largest ways around it in fact is having characterization come from external sources that aren't the films. In fact, almost every single piece of info that builds Godzilla's character in the MV comes either from moments in the films that are intentionally vague, things like the comics or novelizations, or Word of God tweets from Edwards and Dougherty (sidenote: the reason you never hear about stuff like the Dougherty tweets coming from Wingard is that he literally doesn't have Twitter. A lesson I think we can all learn from). This is not unintentional, these are literally the only times they're allowed to get away with breaking a few of these rules.

Wingard, Doughtery, Edwards- all are huge Godzilla fanatics and it gets on my nerves a tad when people tear into them for rules out of their control. I probably don't need to tell everyone that Dougherty used to retweet ship art for Mothzilla and engaged with fans at length back when he was still on Twitter (Oh yeah, he also has since left Twitter. Man, maybe these directors had the right idea or something?); and Wingard has come out saying he wants to do a Godzilla-focused movie next if Legendary lets him come back, probably because he himself recognizes he's been playing favorites a little bit. I'm sure the directors would love to give Godzilla more depth and personality, it's just that Goji's always been Toho's favorite boy that they're very picky about. Like- I hate to be that guy- but we easily could've gotten the Transformers treatment and gotten saddled with a director like Michael Bay for one of these films and the Monsterverse would be dead on arrival. These people clearly care but are obliged to follow some ground rules they may or may not agree with. Godzilla's characterization is left mostly ambiguous for this reason. Audiences are supposed to fill in the blanks. Hell, people in this blog/hellsite have already done that! We've done that with our own interpretations and that's what the directors are going for in lieu of being allowed to do that themselves. May just be a me thing, but I'd much rather have audience interpreted characterization and very high quality content then shitty/no content and Godzilla becoming a dead franchise again.

And- in regards to the Twitter stuff-

-I don't care. Nobody should care. Just- just don't even give them the light of day and let their asinine takes die in the darkness. It's better this way.

I understand all this. I understand. I've heard that Toho has their rules for what not to do with their favorite monster, and I still think "Godzilla can't emote" is a dumb rule, but what the fuck can I do about it beyond the usual fan content. I know this. I get it.

I'm just getting tired of discussing it and want to stop before the discussion starts going in circles or something.

I'm going to go outside for a while.

[sarah-dipitous]

Hellsite Nostalgia Tour 2023 Day 82

Jump the Shark

"Jump the Shark"

Plot Description: A 19 year old boy named Adam calls Sam and Dean looking for John Winchester; the boy claims to be his son.

Would I Survive the First Five Minutes??: If there's one thing I've learned in nearly four full seasons, don't fuck a Winchester. You're gonna die. So, I think I'm good.

This week's run of episodes has been buck wild. I mean, we got backstory, pure angst, astral projection, one of the BEST and most DRAMA FILLED episodes I've seen, alternate universe, meeting god, and now secret family member. I feel like I'm just WATCHING ao3. There's one thing missing (this being Supernatural and all), but I'M not missing it.

Oh they got the back window of the impala fixed. Dean's having the ROUGHEST of mornings. He didn't look this rough CRAWLING OUT OF THE GRAVE.

I LOVE how skeptical Dean is. You really can't be too careful. At the same time, everything being presented as evidence that Adam is telling the truth, and Dean's just dismissing it as coincidence...you've never done that before, babe. The daddy issues are so fucking strong in this one. I should know, I specialize in characters with daddy issues

NO I'M NOT FUCKING CRYING. I'm not crying because Adam got the dad who took him to BASEBALL GAMES. They might not have been close while Adam was growing up, but the moment John knew about Adam's existence, he dropped EVERYTHING (*cough his other sons but really mostly Dean because Sam was in college doing his own thing cough*) to go meet him. It might not have been the perfect parent-child relationship and it was probably still fairly distant, but it's a hell of a lot more than Dean got. (Did Horikoshi watch Supernatural before writing MHA? Did he see this and go "I could do a family drama like this") John made it to Adam's birthdays but Dean had to steal Christmas presents so Sam would have something to open...I'M GONNA FUCKING SCREAM AND THEN BEAT JOHN WITH A BAT IN HELL. ALISTAIR WON'T HAVE TIME TO TORTURE ME, I'D HOP OFF THAT RACK TO KICK THE SHIT OUT OF JOHN WINCHESTER IM-FUCKING-MEDIATELY.

God, Dean, petty is a good look on you, I swear. Adam's just finding out that a whole lot of movie and mythological monsters and creatures are real, and your only comment is that Godzilla is just a movie.

GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD, sorry, I'm having so many big feelings about Dean today. He's so furious at John. He's so disgusted that Adam had the relationship with John that Dean had for a short time, til he was four, and it was ripped away from him. That was the relationship HE wanted, that HE deserved to have, and he did EVERYTHING TO HOPEFULLY MAKE HIS DAD PROUD OF HIM, followed in EVERY SINGLE FOOT STEP. BUT JOHN NEVER WAS. JOHN ONLY EVER SAW DEAN'S MISTAKES. IT'S HOW DEAN KNEW AZAZEL WAS POSSESSING JOHN BECAUSE HE FORGAVE DEAN'S MISTAKE AND DIDN'T MAKE IT A BIG DEAL. BUT DEAN'S STILL DOING IT by protecting Adam. By saying "Dad didn't want our lives for Adam, and I'm going to keep it that way." Aren't you tired of being nice, Dean? Don't you just wanna go apeshit?

(It's going to take me so long to get through this episode if I keep stopping to make Dean/Touya parallels.)

What the fuck is this monster??

Oh, Sammy, you're more like your old man than you want to admit. You find out you have a little brother and it's IMMEDIATELY "let's train him to be a hunter, he needs to be ready for anything that might come after him." You would hardly believe this is the same Sam who wanted to walk away from this life, who did for a while and went to college and law school, who resented John for making their lives like this.

Oh, but at the same time...at the same time he thinks he's just being like Dean was for him. Doing what he can to look out for him, offering praise when he does something well...his insistence that Adam join in is very John but his approach to teaching Adam is all Dean

Sam. No. John did not do right by you boys. I can't believe you're saying this...Ugggghhhhhh, Sam wants to drag Adam down into the hell that is their lives because his chance at that got ruined. But Dean wants to give Adam the chance that got taken from Sam.

Y'all are both jealous of him...stop lying to yourselves.

Oh shit. Oh fuck. WHAT??? HOW LONG HAS ADAM NOT BEEN ADAM??? Oh...it was the whole time...cool.

So, what term DO you prefer, ma'am?

Did...did ya get that out of your system for another couple seasons, Dean? First Baby took a beating after John died, now you beat in the head of the ghoul who pretended to be the little brother you didn't know you had...What's to come near the end of season six? (Aside from my favorite Cas-centric episode)

THAT'S WHAT I SAID, DEAN!!!!! "you know why you and dad butted heads so much? you're practically the same person" and "you're more like him than I'll ever be" (derogatory)

"Been On My Mind...": No. 8...???

[rain-in-the-clouds]

I don't normally vent on this blog, despite it being my main, mostly I just try and share what I love and whatnot. But like so many my age, older and younger, I have a love/obsession/hatred of tiktok.

It's a fun app that can be so nice and a great place to build community, have fun and be silly. But my fucking gods, that is not what its like 99.99999% of the time. And no I know I'm no one special in saying any of this. But I gotta vent, and at least here I can scream into the void knowing if anyone is gonna scream back it's gonna be about something completely different and probably about cats, food, boobs, or Fandom, and honestly that's what makes this the best site.

Anyways, I've struggled with anxiety for the majority of my life, depression as a side helping, and a medley of other things. About six months before the pandemic my anxiety skyrocketed, I started having massive panic attacks every day multiple times a day. At one point it felt like I was just existing through the day to eventually deal with a night filled with the feelings of death.

It was awful, I was barely living.

This is a tangent, but if anyone knows the song Overkill by Colin Hay, I used to sing that song a lot as a kid, like 6-7 years old singing that song, one day to gorw up living the life the song depicts. The lyrics that stick with me: "I can't get to sleep. I worry over situations I know will be alright. Day after day it reapers, night after night my heart beat shows the fear."

It was night after night after night, months went by like this. By middle of 2020 I was.... I wasn't ok. A way I had helped myself during that time, before I got some help and the meds I need, I would use tiktok. Now I'd use its worst attributes to my gain.

It's short form content and use of short attention spans was, especially in the moment, very helpful for subduing (most of the time it just delayed the panic attack) but my goal was never to outright stop the panic attacks, cus I had no way to do that, but to distract my brain long enough to get tired and pass out. It worked for a good while. It especially worked for stopping an attack right as it was starting.

Fast forward to now. Just like prior to the panic attacks I use tiktok to have fun, goof around and see cool stuff, (don't get me wrong I'm all about activism, and I use tiktok like any other for that too, but that's for when I'm in a good place mentally) but now, idk it's like I've let it corrupt me. The past year especially, I've gotten into more arguments in tiktok comments then I've gotten into arguments irl, doesn't matter if the argument was valid or not or even worth arguing over.

And I know it's the internet, nothing stays innocent forever, yes I know. But what I'm saying is tiktok in particular has somehow become more toxic then the majority or surface level internet. To me, it seems like it's trying to become the next 4chan more then the next tumblr. And I had hopes that it was heading in the direction of this hellsite, the Fandom elements there, book lovers, science, all of it: seriously seeing people ask ScienceTok, or BookTok, just makes me flashback to the days of "Science side of tumblr what does xyz mean?"

But no, instead we get the love child of vine and 4chan, it's half cousin-brother reddit somehow looks better next to tiktok.

It's dumb, it really is, cus yes the simple answer is, get off tiktok. But it's not simple, my livelihood relies on social media, for many reasons, like many people. The answer I've been going with is limiting myself on time spent, and I've been successful, I go a week or two without even opening the app, then hop on to check in, post and get a good laugh. But somehow, even if it's just one day, it has the power, (that I give it by gods) to suck me in and make me mad at something, even if it is something to be mad about, doesn't mean it's something I have to let get so under my skin it causes this to happen, (the this being moving to my og site and venting my woes)

It's just such a disappointment. At least I'll always have tumblr.

[trimalchiooframshackle]

((SORRY WAHGAAN... I forgor my draft AGAIN.. my apolocheese for the switches in writing formats w colors and junk, I am experimenting :sparkles:))

╰┈➤ ❜ I think-- I think we did switch roles, huh... ❛

Jay laughed a bit, then immediately started tearing up again. At that point he didn't care about hiding it anymore. He's drunk, he's tired, and by god he is gonna yap and talk for as long as he WANTS. Jay sighed then rubbed his eyebrows, starting to lose his somewhat professional posture.

╰┈➤ ❜ You see Old Sport... God, where do I start... I wasn't always like this, you know. Never so... Rich, asshole-ish, economically powerful... It's all fake. Just a facade I've done for so long. ❛

((holy shit!!! lore under the CUT!!!))

He muttered, his eyes looking anywhere else so he wouldn’t have to show his emotional side. He felt rather embarrassed that he's even talking about this. But god, he needed to say something. If he regrets it later, he can make it a "lie..."

╰┈➤ ❜ I grew up poor. A terrible life, Old Sport. Could barely even get anything to eat or drink often. ...I suppose that was the consequences for living on an old farm. ...I was a nobody. ...Still am, I suppose. ...But I decided that it'd be a better idea if I went off to war. It paid well. Maybe I could make a name for myself. I also promised to them and myself that I'd help my family after that war. ❛

Jay paused. ...Then he cleared his throat. The male then tossed the glass of champagne to the side, letting it crash onto the floor. He began to pace around.

╰┈➤ ❜ ...It wasn't worth it. In the war I had changed my name. I used to be James. ...And I decided it wasn't enough. I wanted to restart. Jay Gatz was the new me. I became a hero. Killed many, watched many die. ...Buried many. All for just some riches I suppose. When I came out of that hellsite, I was different, new. I considered myself better, but my god, I wasn't. ❛

He stopped his walking. ...Jay's posture was different now. Tense, but shaking. The idea and thought of all the things he went through and had to do was starting to break him down bit by bit. He kept talking. The rich man walked to the edge of his pool, staring into the water. His blue eyes were fixated on all the confetti and empty bottles floating around in it from the party he just threw prior to… this.

╰┈➤ ❜ When I came back I was disgusted. My family was so happy to see me. "James, you're back home! Did you do it, my boy?" ...I was embarrassed to be associated with them. I- ...I left. I never gave them that financial support I said I'd give. I haven’t seen them since. ❛

He took off his tuxedo jacket and lazily threw it into the pool as well, furrowing his eyebrows in internalized irritation. His eye twitched with the sudden burst of so many emotions that he couldn’t handle…

╰┈➤ ❜ My poor mother and father. They had two other children besides myself… I don’t know if they ever made it. They had to watch me grow and thrive with my newfound money and life… All without them. A broken promise for a now broken family. ……When I came to the city I met a man, a rich man. He showed me how to live my life to a way that I’d be happy with myself. Under the name of Jay Gatz I found myself living a truth and a lie, you see. He put all of his works and savings to me once he died, believing that I’d put it all to good use. He thought I was better than him, I had been through it all. …And when he died when I was 19, I had nobody. The only person that stayed with me was his only butler left… Perkins. ❛

He sadly smiled at the mention of Perkins. He glanced up to the mansion with some appreciation. The rich man then took a cigarette out of his pocket, lighting it to smoke.

╰┈➤ ❜ I’ve been here ever since. I got lost in greed. Built businesses by dealing illegal drugs and selling alcohol, doing odd favors with some of the most notorious men around. …I forgot every single thing I was taught before. How to be humble, how to be such a good person even with all the money in the world. ❛

He took a drag of his cigarette, blowing out the smoke and watching it fizzle out to nothing. It reminded him of himself.

╰┈➤ ❜ I just wish I could go back to then. I don’t think I ever can or ever will. Being 32 and having such a lively house but having nothing else… I’m just going to be stuck here.❛

Jay sighed…. His voice was shaky and starting to crack. …was he crying…?

╰┈➤ ❜ I try to do things to make myself seem better. I want to be a good person again. I throw these parties… But rumors spread around. If you read any article about me you’ll see something about me killing men for fun or being second cousin to the devil himself. ❛

He took another drag of the cigarette. Jay then turned to Zaria. At that moment, he was finally broken down. You couldn’t see Jay Gatz anymore, only James. He wiped some tears off his face before clearing his throat.

╰┈➤ ❜ Am I still a bad person, Old Sport? …Will I die a broken man? ❛

…You’d never expect this 32 year old man to be having a breakdown next to his pool while drunk, would you? Surprise!! He did! <3 -Mod

*Zaria pauses because she doesn’t have good memories of times when someone got drunk, but she taps Jay on the shoulder*

“Jay, go rest, you’re drunk.”

He immediately spins around, almost falling with that sudden movement before grinning.

╰┈➤ ❜ HEYYYYY!!! Z- Uhh.. Uhhh… ZARIA!!!!! Hiiii!!! How are yoooouuuuuu??? ❛

…Now what in the heavens? He’s not even bothered he got touched. …He has issues with honestly anybody touching him, so this was new for him. Jay tried to keep his balance before putting a hand on Zaria’s shoulder without another thought. He exhaled, relieved that he got the … Support, even though he was about to fall over again.

╰┈➤ ❜ How are thingsss? Are they going good??? That’s gooooodddd…! You know—- You know, I have been doing SOOOO much thinking and - You know, I think I’m really ready to go out and do stuff - you know… I miss kinda being a scrap, then nobody hated you and — you didn’t have many priorities and you had people around and …❛

…And then he starts rambling. …Who knew he… Missed being a scrap? He was even a scrap once? Man, what happened in this dudes life???