#but because almost every portrayal of Ciaran and Artorias I've seen depicts them as perfectionists who could never feel like they gave enou

[royal-dragonslayer-ornstein]

iris and aloe!

BOTANICAL HEADCANONS | accepting

iris :   if your muse could convey one last message to someone they have lost or left behind ,   what would it be ?

There’s a fair amount of options here, as throughout his life Ornstein has lost a great deal of people who were deeply important to him. His mother, who fell to illness before they discovered the First Flame, or his father who died shortly after it would be good examples. Gwyn is an interesting case- despite his absolute devotion Ornstein wouldn’t have anything more to say to his king except maybe a brief reassurance that he would still fight for his will, but ultimately most of what he would wish to speak is questions, and without answer those are pointless (this also applies to older and more experienced comrades whom he held in high esteem, such as the Witch of Izalith or Nito later on). Some humans he met during his lengthy lifespan that he considered to be friends, or at least good acquaintances worth respecting.

If he had to choose, it would likely be the rest of the Knights of Gwyn. No he’s not going to choose between them. There is nobody in the world he felt more connected to. They were like family to him, they understood the immense weight of their knightly vows, they shared their obsessive dedication to their duties yet they were also what kept each other grounded and alive, in a way. Ornstein grew deeply fond of them all, and as their captain, the one upon whom the responsibility of their lives fell, being forced to stay behind in Anor Londo and eventually learn the news of their deaths in Oolacile was perhaps the most crippling experience he ever went through.

It’s likely he knew the truth about what became of Artorias. Regardless, he knew them well, and he suspects that in their last days they must have been unbearably harsh upon themselves, that they must have gone through great shame in their defeat, as he believes they could never be satisfied with what they contributed to Anor Londo. Gough is perhaps the only one who might have fully accepted his limits and fate, though his humility might have kept him from appreciating his accomplishments too.

Ornstein’s message would have likely been very long unless he restrained himself. So many things to speak of, confess, praise and reminisce. Perhaps most relevant of all, he would have assured them that one inevitable loss after centuries of victories earned with sweat and blood is nothing to be ashamed of. That he was proud of them, that he alongside all of the gods would remember them as heroes. That they did more than they could imagine, and that they deserved to rest bearing pride for their lives.

aloe :   how does your muse handle grief ?

Pushing forward, focusing on what's left for him to do. From his early life in the shadow and mist back when the dragons ruled the surface, surviving underground for the most part, and through the duration of the long war against them Ornstein developed a strong capacity to stand strong against the losses, though at the cost of becoming stoic and distant, even somewhat maladjusted to the more peaceful times ahead, but his many duties ranging from hunting remaining dragons to diplomatic roles and management to the armies (the latter not done on his own of course) always gave him something to think about, something to work on, something to keep him from spending more time than he already does lost in his thoughts. He’s a workaholic.

He doesn’t handle grief well. He bears it in silence with rare exceptions, and though it’s remarkable how long he’s been carrying it with him it’s taken its toll on him. It is important to mention that he really is nearing a breaking point, so close to a complete descent into his lowest point around the time he seeks Gwyn’s Firstborn. His villain AU begins shortly before this point for a reason- it starts with Ornstein facing an unfortunate encounter that scars him and later failing to find the situations that could have prevented him from taking the wrong path, one of them being a return to Anor Londo empty-handed, unable to find Archdragon’s Peak after years of travel. Even in his main verses, in which various events lead to him eventually reaching a point of acceptance and serenity in the DS3 verse, he must first be stripped of his splendor and power and come to terms with his fears and bitterness as the Old Dragonslayer.

I think what really saves him from just... falling apart before that is the transcending nature of his vow. It does not end when Gwyn sacrifices himself. And likewise, when his comrades fall, the obligation of not letting their deaths be wasted keeps him going. There is something more for him to do for Anor Londo and its people, always just a little bit more to give. He’s never useless, he always has at least one thing to focus on. At least one thing to give his life for, rather than let it go to waste.