#but at this point i'm in constant pain Somewhere and most notably my back and my chest
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the chest pain that comes with living under constant stress is really something huh. ouch
#im fine i promise it's just very bothersome and kinda scary :')#delete later prob#trying to sit down and draw but im having stabbing pains#usually it's on the left side which is super scary but today it's on the right which kinda assures me that at least it's not my heart i hop#but it's something#the stress of Everything is causing me so much pain because there's not something physically wrong with me (i think)#but at this point i'm in constant pain Somewhere and most notably my back and my chest#sorry i hate to babble here but it feels good to just say it into the void#anyway. no more attempts at art today :-(#i should probably see a doctor but im scared of it being dismissed as not serious if it's psychosomatic#even though psychosomatic pain is a Very real thing that indicates that something is actually wrong#wahh#ugh
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Part Of Who I Am (More Than Anything)
A duet is a conversation and a contrast. Thatās not me being pretentious, thatās literally what is happening. A duet is two characters communicating with each other and with the audience. Sometimes they agree, the vast majority of the time they donāt, but they are talking to each other and presenting their perspectives.
In a musical, the songs tell a story, and duets are a powerful tool to show changing perspectives.
But, thereās more to a song than just the lyrics, especially in a musical, and when all work in tandem to create meaning, you get something like More Than Anything.
Let me explain.
SPOILERS AHEAD: (Hazbin Hotel, The Wild Robot)
First, some framing. This song is told by a father and a daughter, a king and a princess, a protagonist andā¦ thatās actually rather complicated.
As such, there is a generational theme to this song. Itās two times colliding, the past and the present. But itās also two sensibilities colliding in a truly brutal way.
Luciferās objective throughout this whole musical has been to protect his daughter. He has been utterly awful at it, but he hasnāt wavered from that goal.
Case and point, he believed that he was a bad influence on his daughter, so he stayed away. This was, in my most humble of opinions, a bone numbingly stupid decision. Supporting his daughter by not supporting her.
This then got exacerbated by the drive to redeem sinners. Lucifer saw himself in his daughter and saw only his mistakes. He saw his pain and tried to save her from failure by not letting her taste success. Supporting his daughter by not supporting her.
Notice where the spears and arrows all came from. They were the ones aimed at Lucifer in the previous shot. From his perspective, anyone near him is in danger.
His objective is in the right place, and while Iād like to say that Jeremy Jordon carried him in terms of likeability, I have to give credit to the writers and animators for his incredible characterisation. But the execution of his goal was about as flawed as you can get.
āThere are times when I still wonder about you. You are someone I have loved, but never known And you'll never see the reasons I had For keeping my claws away when they were close enough to hurt you.ā
In 2015, the Crane Wives released an album called Coyote Stories. Now, I am biased by the fact that I love this band to no end. But if you have spent any time browsing the Animated Music Video space online, you will have come across this album.
Most notably is the albumās twelfth song, and the one I just quoted, Never Love an Anchor.
This is a cover by FĆørest Fincent. They made another but this one had some art I loved for a thumbnail, so I'm recommending it.
The Crane Wives have complex emotions down to an art, but I want to focus on this song because of how it relates to guilt and fear of connection.
Itās a song trying to justify itself. The narrator has convinced herself that, for whatever reason, she is a negative part of someoneās life, and so she positions herself as the anchor in the titular metaphor. You canāt love something that holds you back.
"On some level I think I always understood that a ship can never really love an anchor. So I did the only thing that I could and severed the rope to set you sailing from my harbour."
But thatās not what anchors do. Anchors hold you steady. They keep you safe in a storm. They hold you in the dock and they let you move around without straying too far into danger. But crucially, they come with you. When you need to go somewhere, you can lift the anchor and take it to wherever you are going next.
The song emphasises itās point with rigidity that it breaks only twice. Throughout the song, there is a delicate rocking rhythm brought about by the guitar and the backup voices. It is mournful, but cyclical. Nothing happens, itās safe but motionless.
Even the lyrics find a constant rhythm and repeated tune. Except for two places.
On ānever see the reasonā, the singing rises in pitch to become a plea before sinking back down, swallowed by the rest of the music that hasnāt changed one bit.
It doesnāt matter her reasons, youāll never understand them, you donāt need to, the song doesnāt care. Instead, the song wraps around itself to present one thing as real:
āI am selfish, I am broken, I am cruel I am all the things they might have said to you Do you ever think of me and my two hands? And wonder why they never soothed your fevers? And wonder why they never tied your shoes? And wonder why they never held you gently? And wonder why they never had the chance to lose you?ā
The entire song contorts around this segment, with the guitar hammering out chords like a bare-knuckled boxing match while the bass and drums desperately try to keep a brave face up, only to falter at the end and join in the assault with those final words.
āAnd wonder why they never had the chance to lose you.ā
This was not about you. This was about the singer. This was her protecting herself. It was a selfish desire that no excuse could possibly remedy.
This was never about you.
There are no more lyrics after this, the music just plays a victory lap to gloat over the lyricist. It drew out her weakness and guilt, put it on display.
I kid you not, my favourite trope in all of media is this shot. The door closes and the camera looks back at a person, who drops their happy demeanor just a second too quickly. We see all that joy before hand, then we see it was an act. I love this trope so much.
The reason I talk about this song instead of the one Iām ostensibly analysing is to point out the power of the music itself. In Never Love an Anchor, the lyrics and the music represent different sides of the same person. Her excuses and her true intentions. What she says, and what she means.
It's also the exact same as Luciferās worldview. This was not about Charlie at all. Everything I said before was true, but objectives can be sabotaged, and it was exactly this that messed up Luciferās relationship with his daughter.
This was never about Charlie for him.
Speaking of whom, Charlie is relentlessly optimistic. She is the child who wants to push boundaries, and yes, she is going to get hurt, but thatās the point.
In a way, she relates to the Spiderman proverb. āWith great power comes great responsibility.ā Charlie has access to the power of authority, but also that of the king of hell, and she is using it to protect people from extermination.
Charlie is unconditionally good, and her father is the literal devil.
So, music as a vehicle for storytelling.
Well, this song is split into three parts. Charlieās, her Dadās and the finale where they both sing together. Thereās a bridge, but weāll get there in a moment.
We start with a guitar.
This is the pattern. Itās floaty, and draws you forwards, before looping back to itself. Itās stable, and nothing happens.
For the record, take a look at the opening of Never Love an Anchor and see if you notice the similarities.
Itās the movement. They both feel like they are rocking, like a lullaby. They both have the high note to draw you forwards but are kept grounded by the base. And they are both fundamentally static.
It also continues throughout Luciferās section of the song until we reach his daughterās section. Nothing changes in the guitaring of Luciferās backing music. There is one slight addition, but we will get there in a moment.
Before that, however, look at Charlie's part of the song.
The difference here is multifaceted. First up, the key signature changes from D flat Majour to B Majour, but second, we have a new instrument that needs to be taken into account.
Now we have a drumkit. Itās a simple rhythm, but this is a simple song, and it repeats along with the rest of the tune.
Lucifer's name means "light bringer. It comes from a roman deity of Venus who's Greek counterpoint was named Phosphoros, meaning the same thing, or Heosphoros, which meant "dawn bringer". Our boy is associated with change, and the beginning of a new day. He is the herald of the closing of night, a man who exists to let you know everything is going to be ok. That's going to come back later on in the show.
Suddenly we have a theme. This song is about Charlie taking what her father tried to do and doing it her own way. Itās fundamentally based off of the same thing, but she has shifted things around and added her own flair.
Itās a reframing, and if you look at it, thatās exactly what this song is about. Charlie has tried to convince Lucifer by showing him that the things he says are false, but this isnāt about that. So, she switches track to showing him his own legacy and how the stuff he believes about himself is wrong.
āSo in the end, it's the view I had of you That showed me dreams can be worth fighting forā
No sir. You aināt a bad influence on me at all. You inspired me to do this. Youāre a good person ya dingus.
This is best exemplified by the songās titular motif.
I havenāt really spoken about the piano much yet because it really hasnāt been a big part of the song up until now. Itās been backing up the guitar and playing the same bass note to make that seem louder. But on its own? Not much.
Until now. Every time Lucifer sings the songās title, he is echoed by this descending melody that once again repeats itself until the final section, which is notably lower. It sounds like descending a scale. When he sings, it rises, and the piano brings him back down to start again.
That final note drop however gives an air of resolution to the piece. Itās his final decision, yes, but itās not one he has willingly taken. The key signature reenforces how this isnāt something he is happy about, but he feels itās necessary.
Compare that to when Charlie sings the same section.
Itās the same. Itās shifted down a bit like the rest of the song, but itās the exact same melody.
Soā¦ what gives?
For starters, this is the same thing as before, with Charlie trying to persuade her father that she is doing the same thing as him. She is inspired by him, but giving it her own taste. Most notably, the key signature once again makes this seem hopeful.
Although, there is one more element here that is giving some motion to Charlieās part of the song, and that is the rest of the piano part.
Is Charlie builds up to the titular motif, the piano starts to build with her, gaining power and emotion as it goes until she says those words andā¦
Itās the same as her father. That power is held for a moment as the song stores it while Charlie is just plain and open to her father.
āI need to save my people more than anything.ā
Sheās made the point that she is inspired by her father, but this is what is actually important right now. Heaven is an actual problem worth more than Luciferās self-loathing.
Ok, I have questions about Alastor. This shot frames him as reassuring and supportive, and he is. He's a villain, but he is also genuinely supportive. He is the opposite of Lucifer. Where the king of Hell's intentions were good but his actions were terrible, Alastor's intentions seem malevolent, but as far as I can tell, his actions towards Charlie have been, for the most part, positive.
But at the same time, sheās still making that point. This is exactly Luciferās motivation at the start. He wanted to make peopleās lives better and thatās exactly what Charlie is doing in a very real sense. It is also portraying her as the type of royalty that acts how parents should act. She needs to save her people. Itās not a want, itās a need, and her father should pick up on that.
āYour life is not negotiable.ā
The Wild Robot is a film about parenthood. It is a film about being more than you thought you could be. It is a film about neurodivergence. And it is a movie about how fate and purpose are utter bollocks. This film will mess you up, I would highly recommend it.
But this isnāt a review blog, and instead I would like to point out how it uses programming and the heart as metaphors in conflict.
A key theme in the film is decision making and the causes behind it. With āprogrammingā taking the form of an entirely logical type of rationality.
Roz extends that metaphor towards others as a way of understanding how that part of the brain works, so this doesnāt just apply to robots.
Incidentally, Roz and Brightbill are programmed differently to everyone else. That is the neurodivergent coding.
On the other hand, the idea of the heart is so much more complex and harder to pin down.
āBrightbill was never supposed to get this far. You know that. It is more dangerous for him than anyone else. But he has a chance if, where his wings end, his heart can pay the balance.ā āHis heart is 48 millimeters.ā āFrom what Iāve seen, Brightbillās heart is much bigger on the inside than the outside.ā
This makes no sense at all, and I love it. The heart is a source of strength, its willpower, but itās also not framed as something that anyone has control over.
The heart is emotion, itās fundamentally irrational. Brightbill was not supposed to get this far, but he did. A robot cannot be wild, but Roz is.
The heart is hope, its tenacity, itās fear and bravery, itās love and affection. It is everything other than programming.
The final conflict of the film that comes very close to Wall-E and then realises and takes another direction is very clearly a conflict between the Heart and Programming, and the heart wins.
āTo survive, we must become more than we were programmed to be.ā
This is Charlieās entire deal in Hazbin Hotel. At face value, she is making the sinners into more than everyone thought they could be. But on further inspection, all of Charlieās motivation comes from the heart.
I have already talked about her hope in a previous post, but this song drives home how subconscious it is for her. She wants to save Hell, but this is more of a need for her. The sinnersā lives are not negotiable, thatās what she is trying to get her father to see.
Remember earlier, though, when I said that the energy from the piano is stored? Well, here is where that comes crashing back.
That holding out makes the audience wait for a resolution to the rise, and if we combine that with a powerful set of chords, we end up with a real sense of catharsis and triumph.
We have movement, and a pattern that changes. Only slightly, but weāre finding something new for the first time since the drum was added.
Specifically, that movement is upwards. Itās about that hope that Charlie has inspired in her father.
āAll that Iām hoping. Now that my eyes are open. Is that we can start again, and not be pulled apart again.ā
The final section of the song doesnāt introduce any new elements at all. Itās the first section but with both Lucifer and Charlie singing. The two have started again, but this time they are singing together, and on the same page.
The song is a conversation between two different ideas. But the music itself goes out of its way to show just how similar those ideas are. One was built on optimism that failed, the other on hope that cannot be crushed.
Final Thoughts
Iām back. I had a break for a month and missed Halloween, something I am more than a little miffed about. But thereās nothing like some Jeremy Jordan to bring me back. Jeremy Jordan can do no wrong.
Do I have a crush on this man? No. No I do not. Why do you ask?
In all seriousness, I really like this song and Iām glad itās one of the most popular in the series. It is, however, really fast paced.
This song would have served the story better if it had an entire episode to back it up, rather than sharing that time with Hellās Greatest Dad. Both songs are fun, but the difference between them in such little time is jarring.
That is, however, a problem with the management cutting the series to eight episodes and not with the crew. But it is a problem that carries over to the next episode and the next few songs.
I have thoughts on Welcome To Heaven. Lots of thoughts.
Stick around if that interests you.
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#rants#literary analysis#what's so special about...?#literature analysis#character analysis#lucifer morningstar#hazbin hotel lucifer#hazbin lucifer#lucifer#hazbin hotel charlie#charlie morningstar#the crane wives#crane wives#never love an anchor#the wild robot#the wild robot movie#wild robot#roz the wild robot#rozzum unit 7134#hazbin hotel
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I'm not sure if you've ever been asked this but (and this is totally ignoring all ethical questions)- do you think a yeerk could bring back Loren's memories from before the crash? They seem to have far more control of their host's memories than the hosts do...
First question: does Loren want her memories back?
Maybe this seems a little odd to ask, butā¦ sheād be remembering a lot of pain and fear, maybe a few good-ish years where sheās with Elfangor or raising baby-Tobias, and a shitton of trauma.Ā Losing your (traumatic) memories can actually be good for you.Ā Psychiatrists are developing therapies using drugs and/or ECT to help patients with PTSD and phobias deliberately remove certain memories.Ā The minuscule number of participants who have successfully completed the still-experimental versions of these therapies have seen considerable upticks in quality of life.
Setting aside the science for the sci fi, itās also notable that Loren does not regain her memories when she morphs.Ā We donāt know how morphing tech works precisely, of course, because it sometimes heals long-term damage and sometimes doesnāt.Ā But my headcanon has always been that it has to do with user motivation and self-image.Ā A couple examples:
Alloran still has battle scars even after morphing because heās Mr. Old School Warrior Code, and considers them a point of pride.
Ax doesnāt develop battle scars during the war because he grows up in a constant state of siege as part of a team with a whatever-works mentality, and has little time for outdated conceptualizations of honor.
Jamesās nervous system starts working again after morphing because he wants to be nondisabled and sees himself that way.
Colletteās nervous system doesnāt start working again after morphing because she identifies as disabled and is happy that way.
Tobias canāt heal his broken wing with morphing in MM2 because heās still new to morphing and struggling to break away from the predator mentality ofĀ āyou get hurt, you tough it out or you die.ā
Etcetera, etcetera.Ā If we take that explanation as given for the moment, then itās pretty striking that morphing heals Lorenās eyes but not her memories.Ā She says outright that she didnāt want to take care of a kid, and doesnāt feel up to the responsibility of being a mother (#49).Ā Sheās also had 95% bad experiences with aliens, between being abducted by everyone from skrit na to Chapman and being dragged into some intergalactic war multiple times.Ā Healing her eyes helps her get away from the ableism and underemployment facing most blind Americans; healing her memories doesnāt necessarily get her shit.Ā She may or may not make a choice somewhere in there.Ā And even if she doesnāt, there may simply be nothing left to find.
Second question: What would a yeerk know that Loren wouldnāt?
Yes, we see that yeerks read hostsā memories.Ā And itās true that (at the very least) Temrash 114 can choose which of Jakeās memories Jake will focus on at any given time.Ā However, we see no evidence whatsoever of yeerks having insight into hostsā minds that the hosts themselves lack.Ā In fact, the opposite might even be true; there are several moments with Eva pointedly using knowledge about Edriss that Edriss herself lacks (Visser) but Edriss simply doesnāt getĀ Eva, nor does Temrash ever start to understand Jake.Ā So if Loren doesnāt consciously remember these events, then thereās no sign that the yeerk would be able to do so either.
To swerve back into science: thereās also the fact that brains donātĀ āhideā memories that theyāve successfully stored.Ā If you canāt retrieve it, usually thereās nothing left to retrieve.Ā You can have aĀ āfeeling of knowingā about a test item and later have the answer come to you with no further prompting, but if you donāt even have that feeling, then you probably donāt have the answer stored anywhere in your noodle.Ā Contrary to media depictions of amnesia (*cough* MM1 *cough*), thereās no such thing as a cure for traumatic amnesia.Ā (Dissociative amnesia is another story, but I digress.)Ā Loren sustains a blow to the head, either through a car crash or a violent controller or a violent controller-caused car crash, and thatās where her memories go.Ā She tells Tobias that she had to re-learn how to swallow and brush her teeth afterward (#49).Ā Re-learn, not remember.Ā Thatās a pretty accurate summation of traumatic brain injuries.Ā Once the skills are gone, theyāre gone.Ā It turns out brains (probably) do grow new cells even through adulthood, and even hints of neurogenesis are SO FUCKING EXCITING for people like me who study brains.Ā But the fact remains that memories destroyed through trauma are usually, well, destroyed.
Quick personal example: when I was 16, I got a concussion.Ā How?Ā No idea, because the concussion itself caused me to forget how it happened.Ā I know I was skiing at the time ā waking up on a ski slope with a dented-in helmet was a pretty strong context clue ā but Iām never going to know if I misjudged a turn, slipped on ice, collided with a person, hit a tree, got struck by lightning (okay probably not that) or what.Ā My brain went into emergency shutdown mode after I did the equivalent of spilling a soda on its keyboard, and the Microsoft Word document I had open at the time (AKA my working memory) didnāt have time to convert to ROM (AKA go through my hippocampus into long-term storage) in the process.Ā What happens to Loren isnāt the equivalent of spilling a soda on oneās keyboard; itās the equivalent of throwing the whole computer off a forty-foot building into the ocean.Ā A skilled IT tech and a hell of a lot of work might get that thing running again, but if you think thereās a chance in hell that the family photos stored on your hard drive are gonna be found and restored, then youāve got another think coming.
Tl;dr: Given what we know about real brains andĀ about Your Brian on Morphing,Ā Iām not convinced that a yeerk could help Loren if she even wanted help.
#animorphs#animorphs meta#loren fangor#ableism mention#neurology#morphing#asks#anonymous#please don't fucking at me about the electroconvulsive therapy#if all of your information comes from hollywood bullshit#if you're a trained practitioner well versed on the controversies then i'd love to talk#but i don't have time to debate with ignoramuses who have seen 'one flew over the cukoo's nest' one too many times#read the literature and then get back to me
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