#but at their cores they're both very lonely people with little hope for the world/themselves so they find their respective purposes in just

[ichorblossoms]

leon and grimm are both sooo coyote-coded just in slightly different directions

[bumblingbabooshka]

(anon from before) ok that is genuinely so hilarious to me but what I meant was what do you think of it as a meditation tool/nugget of Tuvok and Vulcan lore? It reminds me a lot of your fic about Vulcan bonds being like a house. (<- a horrible summary of your beautiful fic I do apologize but I hope you know what I mean) in that the final form/shape is ever changing depending on a persons mental state. The imagery of the (silly little) structure that Tuvok was building in that episode toppling over with him saying “I am in control” and because he was mentally unwell (with the telepathic std lmao) gives me like,,,, “the structure of your home/the metaphorical rug being pulled out from under you after u got transported 70,000 light years away from your bondmate and entire world and network of bonds” vibes.

Side note I think that it has great potential as a physical representation of a failing Vulcan marriage/betrothal in a hypothetical SNW T’pring/Spock episode. <- if I had my way in the SNW writers room, all hell would break loose lmao

Is there a real connection? Am I just fangirling over your fics? We shall never know (one of those is certainly the case)

Original Ask: Thoughts on the Keethera? (Tuvok’s block puzzle thing from s3 ep2) <- At the time I had no thoughts as I didn't understand what anon was asking. The Keethera is very interesting. I've said this before but it's interesting and indicative of his character that the two games/meditation exercises we see Tuvok partaking in are the Keethera and Kal-Toh, both of which do not have a hard and fast ideal or win-state and are meant to show the person or people building them something about themselves. It's very much unlike chess, which is Spock's game of choice. The Keethera is more a diagnostic tool and Kal-Toh speaks to the core of Vulcan emotional control - that is, the ability to find harmony where there is seemingly only random chaos. Tuvok's not doing well mentally. I don't think Tuvok's been doing well mentally since vanishing into the delta quadrant, much like everyone else, however unlike everyone else he doesn't seem to have any sort of....safety net? Anyone to confide in? Nor does he seem to WANT to or know how to confide in others - how to be open about his pain or need for help.

I like this interaction in which instead of having to say that he's struggling, Kes can simply look at the Keethera and see that he is. Tuvok's inability to effectively share his pain with others makes sense - they're all aliens to him and he isn't close with any of the Vulcans on the crew. He's also a person who prides himself on being solitary and strong and Vulcan. As seen in 'Alter Ego' he intentionally cultivates an air of being utterly separate from others even when ostensibly participating in a group activity and is shown several times in the series to think himself above others. [Ex: Neelix, Chakotay, B'Elanna, Humans in general] However, the image he has of himself makes reaching out for help incredibly difficult. He has cultivated an image in which he is utterly unlike the others, in which he is better, less prone to being hurt, and because he stakes his pride on this image he now cannot ask for help without it going against his image and damaging the reputation he enjoys holding. I think this is a relatable problem. Personally, when I was a teenager, I had cultivated an image of being a jokester and bubbly person which I struggled valiantly to maintain even when I was going through severe bouts of depression. The idea of myself as someone who was a jokester and happy all the time was very important to me and losing that felt like it would be 'giving in' to my depression and losing my identity when in reality my refusal to actually address my depression was causing my depression to worsen. In Tuvok's case, his identity pre-delta quad is perhaps the only thing he has left of his old life. It's stated and implied multiple times by the narrative that Tuvok is lonely and misses his family and that that loneliness is beginning to cause him to act in ways he normally wouldn't (Compare him to Marayna in 'Alter Ego'). The fact that he misses his family and is lonely is also relevant due to the fact that family ties are INCREDIBLY important in Vulcan culture. Tuvok's family is obviously very close but more relevant to this, family ties are stated across several episodes to be crucial in dealing with trauma or mental stress. Personal information seems to be [across multiple series] very private to Vulcans. Personal information is sensitive and intimate and not something you share with just anyone. To me it's natural to assume that this is also a contributing factor in Tuvok's resistance towards reaching out for help. He feels it's something private that he should only share with other Vulcans who are close to him or a healer - but no such person exists on Voyager and his closest friend is the captain, whom he doesn't want to 'burden' with his problems when he can handle them alone [or so he thinks] and so he endures and endures and endures in silence. The Keethera showcases Tuvok's mental state not only in its structure but in Tuvok's persistent mantra that he is fine despite the clear signs to the contrary. "I am in control," he says, as the Keethera falls apart. It is also telling that Tuvok has no separate course of action. After the Keethera crumbles and Kes leaves, Tuvok just starts building the Keethera again. It's a meditational aid and helps focus the mind but something strikes me as incomplete or wishful about him continually building it, alone, and only to watch it crumble. What else can he do but continually punch the numbers and watch as he's told over and over again that he's not okay?

Tuvok's conversation with Kes at the end of 'Warlord' is something I love. I think it's very good advice on dealing with trauma that he struggles to follow himself. We never see the completed Keethera at the end of 'Flashback' - there is no assurance that his mind is completely healed from the trauma he's endured. [Even if the memory was not strictly 'real', his reactions to it were and thus we can say he DID have a repressed traumatic memory] Instead we see him talking with Janeway, with a friend, and we perhaps know that even if it isn't - he's not alone.