#but also yesterday I made it through the whole day with zero anxiety attacks and didn't have to do my rigid ritualistic two-hour

[rulesforthedance]

Only problem with SSRIs is I’m noticeably less motivated to run. But I’m also not in a constant state of meltdown, so it seems like a fair trade. If being a slightly worse runner is the price of feeling ok about my life, I’ll take it

[fraddit]

My recent experience with depression, anxiety, and ADHD

I figured I would make a post about this, because I know that at least a few of my mutuals are dealing with some or all of these things themselves and might find this helpful.  Who knows?  Very long, very personal, but mostly positive post under the cut.  Like, really, more information than you probably ever wanted to know about me and my problems.  Proceed, if you feel so inclined.

First, a brief history, for context.  Throughout elementary and high school, I consistently scored in the 99th percentile on standardized tests.  Then, I almost flunked out of high school, barely got my diploma, took a year off, and started art school college for an animation English degree.  I was going to write novels.  After a year or two of that, I decided I could write without a degree, so I dropped out.  What followed was a decade of several strangely varied and unrelated jobs and no novel writing. Working a stable corporate gig while not accomplishing (or even pursuing) any of my personal creative goals was DESTROYING MY SOUL.  So, I quit my job to become a full-time student and finish my degree, because at least that was kind of in the same universe as actually being creative.  And now, a year or two later, here I am, 32 and a few semesters away from finally finishing that English degree.  Clearly brains won’t get you everywhere kids.

I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 7 and was on some form of medication until sometime in high school, when I decided I didn’t want to take it anymore, for reasons I won’t bother getting into.  It never occurred to me to even consider medication again until this semester, when everything fell apart.

ADHD can impact a person in a multitude of ways.  For me, the biggest impact is probably executive function issues.  I can wander through the garden of my ideas all day long.  I cannot make myself sit down and do work, no matter how much I may want to.  For personal goals, that means a literal solid decade of zero accomplishment.  For school, that means procrastinating papers until the night before or morning of or sometimes even two weeks late, on the night before the professor has to turn in their grades.  And the level of personal effort it took to make myself write that two-week-late paper was herculean in measure, when it really should not have been.

I’ve since learned that many professionals suspect this very common procrastination habit of ADHD folks is actually a kind of self-medicating by way of adrenaline via stress response.  Which sounds entirely plausible to me, because every semester since I’ve been back at school, I’ve found myself pushing the risky boundaries of procrastination further and further, like a drug addict needing a higher dose to get a fix.  A very unsustainable and unhappy process all around.

Which brings me to this semester, when the wheels finally fell off the car, and one of the campus psychologists found me crying on a bench outside the counseling center because they were closed for lunch and meetings, and I didn’t know where else to go.  I couldn’t do any of my homework, was crying every day, and having panic attacks.  To put it simply, I was a fucking mess.

I made more appointments at the counseling center, I spoke with my professors about what I was going through (hello more panic attacks), and for the first time in over a decade, I remembered that there are medications I should maybe try, and I made an appointment to see the psychiatrist at the campus medical clinic.  (Also, guys, if any of you are students, look into your campus resources.  There’s support for everything at my school.  There’s even an office that’s only there to help guide students to all the other support options.  Seriously, mental health, child care, food, housing, you name it.  Get the help you need.)

When I explained everything I had been going through, the very nice psychiatrist at the clinic told me, with an unsettling degree of alarm in her voice, that I was “deeply depressed”. Which, I knew, but she really sounded shockingly concerned.  And it’s like, jeeze, I maybe didn’t realize just how bad things had gotten, because I was just living with this shit every day, so it was kind of ‘normal’ for me.

Anyway, she agreed to start me on meds for my ADHD.  The one I’ve been taking is called Vyvanse.  I started on the lowest dose and have been gradually increasing.  A month in, I’m at a dose where I can clearly tell a difference, and it’s having a noticeable impact.  I wrote a meta yesterday.  I was thinking the thoughts, and just sat down and wrote it.  This morning, I got up and wrote some more, just notes for future things to do, but I did it.  Fuck, I’m writing this fucking thing right now.

I thought that maybe I should write this shit out, and it took a little while sitting and getting my momentum going, but now I’ve written 800 1300 1650 words.  And I’m sitting here actually crying as I type this paragraph, because this small little thing is like the biggest fucking thing in my life.

I don’t have any way to accurately explain what a big deal it is for me to have actively decided to write something and then to have actually actively produced content of my own volition and design, that wasn’t assigned to me and didn’t have a due date or a grade attached.  And, that I’ve done it repeatedly now…

OVER TEN YEARS.  Over ten years I went, writing almost nothing. Might as well have been zero words. Guys, I’ve been walking around with a trilogy of speculative fiction novels in my head for over ten years, I’ve been planning another unrelated novel for the last two.  I’ve been planning something like 30 fanfics, across two fandoms, and another 20 metas for the past year.  Part of me probably assumed feared that none of that would ever see the light of day. But now, it suddenly feels like maybe I’ll actually manage to write some of it.  And I’m hoping like fuck that it’s not just a fluke.

Now, the ADHD meds aren’t the only thing I’ve been doing to contribute to this ‘good place’ I’m in currently.  I’ve been going to counseling.  Apparently, I have a lot of negative feelings about myself and my inability to accomplish jack shit for a whole decade.  Who would’ve guessed?  I also have weekly sessions with the disabilities accessibility team at my university to work on external methods for dealing with my executive function issues. (Again, if you’re a student, utilize your university resources.  You’re already paying for them with tuition.)  And, this is obviously not an option for everyone, but even before I started the ADHD meds, I took advantage of the fact that I live in a state where certain botanical products are easily and legally available and found a brand of gummies that really help with my anxiety and panic attacks.  (They’re high cbd, low thc, so calming and don’t make you high.)

So far, the meds aren’t 100% sunshine and rainbows.  With the dose I’m at right now, where I’ve been Getting Things Done, I can actively feel the drug, which is… not the greatest.  I feel jittery, vaguely anxious, like I’ve drank way too much coffee but worse.  And, the decreased appetite is something I really have to be vigilant about, because I don’t have any room to lose weight.  These were both known possible side effects of stimulant meds, so I wasn’t surprised, and perhaps the doctor and I will be able to fine tune the dosing or try another med or something.  But right now, I think I’m really leaning toward, I’ll put up with the side effects, because holy shit, I can finally actually do what I want to do.  Also, I think (and Nice Doctor Lady thinks) the new higher dose is having a positive, stabilizing impact on my mood.

I guess my reason for writing all of this, other than pure catharsis, is to say, if you’re dealing with shit like this, try to be willing to consider all your options.  For whatever reason, I didn’t think about trying medication for my condition.  It wasn’t even like I was anti-meds or something.  I just didn’t even think about it.  Not until a few months back, when I sent a random ask to an ADHD blog on here, asking how they managed to make themselves write, and they responded with I had to get medication.  Suddenly, it was like… why have I not been considering this option?  So, this story is for anyone else out there that maybe also hadn’t thought to consider this option.

And really, not just the medication.  I’m a hide behind walls, overly independent, do things on my own, never ask for help sort of person.  But, I guess I finally reached a level of desperation where I was like, Clearly, doing this by myself, my way, has not gotten me the results I want.  So, fuck it, I’m going to ask for help from every professional available to me.  Which, I’m very lucky, and currently have ready access to multiple resources in a way not everyone does, but being open to getting this much assistance is very new territory for me.

I’m not really sure how best to wrap this up.  If anyone actually read all of this, I’m astonished and… Hi, I guess?  You really know quite a bit about me now.  Hopefully, I haven’t scared anyone off.  And, if anybody has further questions about any of this or you want to talk about your own issues, I’m sincerely available for that. I think the world we live in today makes it too easy to feel completely alone, even when you’re surrounded by people, and I’m here for chats, if you need it.

[niksethi]

#1000wordsofsummer Day 3

I didn’t write yesterday, so I guess I’m shooting for 2000 words today. That will be a struggle since I literally have zero idea about what I should talk about today. But since the amount of words is so damn large, it’s totally worth it for me to spend some time just sharing my stream of consciousness.

I feel like whatever I’m doing or wherever I am, I’m constantly appraising the value of that activity or that place. As in, every movie I see or book I read, I think about how I’d rate it in a 1-5 scale. Every city I visit I try to place in my internal rankings of all of the cities that I’ve visited. It’s a weird thing that sometimes improves the quality of my experiences and sometimes degrades it, as I lose the plot in favor of trying to find some sort of specific combination of things that will give me clarity about how good or bad something is. When I was last watching a movie, Upgrade, in my head I would start at a value based on what I’d heard about the number and move it up and down throughout the movie based on how I felt about the different aspects of the mise en scene. At some point, I started to feel like I was becoming like the unfeeling robotic AI that was a key character in the movie.

I’ve been applying this same methodology to my time in NYC. There’s a lot to appreciate in NYC and a lot that’s not so great. Each moment I enjoy or hate contributes to my overall corpus of information that I’ll use to decide the BIG question I want to answer by the end of the summer - do I want to live here for some of my life? Every time that question really appears in my head, I have to remind myself of what my mentor Henrik told me, “the city will always be there, and it will always be easy to visit, too.” Although my question is fairly important, I mustn’t feel like the city will be inaccessible if I don’t decide to move here. One of the biggest cities in the world is only a single flight away from most major cities in the world. All that being said, I’m really starting to warm up to NYC as a whole. A few months ago, I was completely convinced that this city isn’t for me. As a shy introvert who enjoys quiet and avoiding crowds of people, what could I find in the most energetic city? How would I find the necessary solitude and time for reflection that I know I need just to keep my head above water?

It didn’t take long for me to start feeling the effects of the frantic energy that permeates the concrete jungle. Since day one, I’ve had to be very careful about my caffeine consumption, since my base anxiety levels have risen dramatically, making each cup of coffee a gamble that could either lead to being energized or to shakes and anxiety attacks. (As I write this, I sip on a cup of cold brew that keeps me teetering on that fine line between the two possibilities.) Yet, I feel like I’ve been fortunate to find spaces that help me recharge and escape the chaotic energy. Parks are ubiquitous in the city and it’s easy to just wander into any one in particular and just watch all of the good boys and good girls run around the dog park. I think what’s helped me the most to adapt to living in the city is giving myself permission to be alone. Despite the fact that there are so many people in the city, it’s incredibly easy to fall into this deep level of despair from loneliness. Initially, I was afraid of falling into this state, so I would spend all of my free time with people. It was enjoyable but also draining, and I would wake up each morning with so little energy. It turns out that I’m still extremely introverted and I really can’t handle that much social interaction. Since I’ve let myself spend more time with myself, I’ve been much happier. There are moments when I feel lonely, but I don’t really have a problem with that every now and then. I’ve also been lucky to meet some great people who make the time I do spend with people meaningful and enjoyable. I’ve had a lot of friends in my life who I would spend time with but it would feel like I was just a way to pass some time, rather than a friend or someone important to them. The energy people put into their social interactions can really change the dynamic of a hang out completely, and I wasn’t even aware how much it mattered until now.

On a less philosophical and “out there” level, NYC has so much to offer to me. I hate driving and I love the subway and how it can take me anywhere. I love the inherent strangeness of the average person and how people watching can be more interesting than watching a movie or reading a book. I love the great diversity of dogs that I see throughout the city. I love the kindness of immigrant business owners who seem so comfortable with their own culture and so eager to share it. I love seeing different cultures express on every street, be it tourists or people who live here, enthusiastically chatting in their own language (as I write this I see a group of beautiful French people greet each other with kisses, catching up in a way I can’t understand).  I love that finding a good meal is easy. I love dodging cars to get where I want to go and I love glaring at tourists who walk too slow or stop in the middle of the sidewalk. More than anything else, I love how accessible the city feels. It’s empowering when a city has everything in the world and all of it is just a train ride away. I feel as if I can do and start anything if I really want to since everything I could possibly need is so nearby. Like basically everything else in the entire world, the way to approach living in the city is through balance. I have to be continuously intentional in order to keep myself from losing myself to the hustle and bustle of everything that’s going on but also make sure that I maintain space for myself to breathe and relax when necessary.

This next part is kinda off-topic but it relates to doing stuff as a part of the hustle and bustle

On Friday, BuzzFeed Design invited the brand designer Mackey Saturday to come speak about his design work, as a part of our internal design speaker series Design Club. He was a great speaker who told the story of his career and how he worked to create iconic brand identities like the Oculus logo and the Instagram wordmark. His skill in creating beautiful and lasting visuals was really inspiring for me, someone who has always struggled to create visually interesting design work. Since my skills as a designer have mainly been on the problem-identification and research side, I was struck by the huge gap between his skills and mine. Coming into this summer, I knew I wanted to develop my skills as quickly as possible. I was unsure whether or not I wanted to focus on my “strengths” in the discovery phase of the design process or develop my “weaknesses” in visual design. When I spoke to our (now former) VP of Design Cap, he told me “I think you’re kinda early to be working on balancing things. If i were you I’d be working on as many different things as I can and stretching my skills as much as possible.” That brought me back to Earth and reminded me that I don’t really know as much as I thought.

Going forward, I want to focus on finding projects that will help me do that. To kick off, I’m thinking about exploring a branding project of some sort in order to really stretch my visual identity skills. Maybe I’ll do multiple or freelance or something. I really have no idea. Maybe I’ll tackle my personal branding project that I’ve been thinking about forever. It’s so weird and difficult to design for yourself since you don’t have a fresh set of eyes when you’re presenting to the client. It’s your own eyes the whole time! The big thing is that I want to be able to at least slightly do something related to design that manifests in the real world. I’ve made logos and designs that have been printed on t-shirts and hats before, but I don’t know if I was really designing for those purposes or fully accomplishing what I was aiming for. The bigger thing is that I don’t really like any of those designs (except for the art matters logo, that’s still beautiful other than the type).

One thing that I’ve noticed is that it’s really hard for me to get started on any visual projects. I think it might just be because I’m out of practice. Writing has been continuously easy for me since I’ve been consistently writing something once a week for nearly a year now and I’m not really falling out of my habit. With visual work, whether it’s illustration or interface design, I’m not doing it all the time so starting a project in that area just seems like an impossible task. I need to take the first step towards doing it so it will keep getting easier and easier, but until then maybe I’ll start just writing out my ideas before I get there. When I was scanning through the old design case studies on our company Basecamp (a wiki of sorts I guess), I noticed that some of the designers would create their initial prototype as a story or something written out. By forcing themselves to convert their ideas into words, they were able to iterate on the design without having to draw or mock anything up, which would be a relief for me while I languish in the difficulty of starting these visual projects.

Another idea relating to this that I’ve been pondering is finding external interests. Although I love design, I’ve always wanted to be more involved in filmmaking, animation, and music. I could very easily spend a lot of my time exploring these things and working on projects to advance my skills, but I’m leaning against doing that. The giant behemoth of the full-time job search looms over everything that I do, and not focusing on my career more than my interests stresses me out. But who knows? Every design interview seems to tell me to have external interests outside of design to become a better designer. There are just so many paths I can take, so many ways to spend my time and probably so many ways that I could make myself happy. I can’t possibly know what will be best for me. The only path that’s certain is the one that I decide to take and focus on. I want to escape my state of stasis that I’ve developed while trying to choose between the many potential options. I’ve been trying to adopt the mindset that the best decision is the decision made quickly and firmly. This is better than indecision since you can change later if things go wrong, or you have more time and energy to contribute to fixing things if the decision was the wrong one.

I’m roughly at 2000 words and I’m frankly exhausted, but I’m happy that I was able to do it!

[steviemillersdiary-blog]

MY FIRST POST! -From the start (age 6) to my first section in a psychiatric unit.

May be triggering to some.

Hey, my name is Stevie-Lee Miller, but i prefer just Stevie. I’m 21, i was born 18th June 1995 and crazy bitch is my middle name.

I’ve been on a absolute rollercoaster when it comes to my mental health and sustainability. When i was around 6/7 years old, i used to get overwhelming feelings of sadness, emptiness, loneliness, you name it, i felt it. I didn’t understand why i felt this way as my family were wonderful, and people i went to school with never spoke of or seemed as if they were feeling the same so with my lack of understanding, i began turning sadness into anger. I understood anger. Anger was on TV, adults got angry, my friends at school would get angry, teachers got angry, i just understood it a lot more than sadness.

I began turning into a demon child, smashing up my room, my siblings rooms, my mums room, ok so basically i smashed up the whole house on a regular. I refused to leave the house, let alone go to school, i punched and head-butted absolutely everything until i either passed out or was restrained.

At the age of 11 and after a long 4 years of me hating the world and causing my family so much distress, i finally broke down and begged my mum for help. I was immediately put forward for Anger Management and i worked my ass off to try get control of this horrible demon in my mind, that stopped after around 2 years and my anger got better, i still struggle sometimes to keep it under wrap, and i do lose control sometimes but surely that’s better than before?

Well, kind of.. As i began to learn to control my anger, i also began to learn that it’s okay to feel sad and that everyone feels sad sometimes, so as i pushed one issue under the rug, many more issues began flooding out.

When i was 13 i began self harming, whether that was through cutting, burning, pulling my hair out, head butting things or food. When i started, it was MY thing, and no one would ever have to find out, i finally had control of something.. Well, so i thought.

(To those who think they have control over their self harm, whatever form, i promise you with every inch of my heart, that control will disappear and it will be difficult to stop.. So while you have control, don’t test it, stop NOW.. Before it’s too late)

A year later, my mum found out about my self harm and took me to the doctors, they refused to medicate me due to being a high suicide risk (some tablets can make you more suicidal) and instead, i went for counselling - which was pointless as i'd had a great upbringing and they were searching for a problem that wasn't there and CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). Sessions were going well, i was too miserable to care that much, but they were going okay, until my counsellor went on annual leave and i had someone fill in for her.

The conversation went something along the lines of:

"Hi, Stevie. I've read through your notes but i'd like to hear things from you, if that's okay?" "Yeah sure, what do you wanna know?" "Just a bit about yourself, please." "Umm, okay. I'm Stevie, I'm miserable, I self harm, I-" "OHHH you self harm, what do you use?"

I then went on to tell her what i used and how i did it and no word of a lie, she cracked up laughing and said "Damn, you must be determined!" To which i responded "No shit, why do you think i'm here?!"

I walked out and never went back. I went from age 14-17 with no professional help other than a prescription of Prozac from my GP. Due to both my mum and dad reacting awfully to Prozac, my mum wasn’t happy about this decision. I was clueless towards everything, to me, this pill was the answer to all of my problems...

Damn, i was wrong.

My mood began to elevate over the course of a few weeks, and it continued to elevate, my anxiety was crazy, but my mood? Fuck, it’d never been better! I continued going up up up up up up up until the 21st December 2012 - I had my first psychotic episode.. 

I now know that the reason for this is because someone with Bipolar shouldn’t be medicated with antidepressants alone, they almost always have to be either replaced or paired with a mood stabiliser, but because i had no mood stabiliser (They didn’t know i had Bipolar at the time) my mood continued to shoot upwards until it couldn’t go any higher.

I remember it like it was yesterday, fuckkk. I began having HORRIFIC anxiety attacks and had to be taken home (i was at a friends birthday) when i got home, the paranoia kicked in, i felt like someone was watching me. Everything escalated so quickly, next thing i know, i have people saying the words ‘you’ve got to get out, you’ve got to go, you know you’re not meant to be here” OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER for hours! I was freaking, i could hear them, like as if someone in the room was saying it. I didn’t know what or WHO was real. My mum wouldn’t let me leave the house, all the doors were locked and my shoes were hidden - not that i really cared about shoes, - so i attempted to jump from my bedroom window but was caught and pulled back in. I wanted the voices to stop, i was scared, why me? What did i do to anger them? Where are they? I can hear them, but i can’t see anyone?

And that’s when the psychosis went from hearing things, to completely changing my reality.

My mums girlfriend (at the time) was trying to restrain me while my mum tried to humour me and i thought my mums girlfriend was a monster that had got in and was going to hurt me and my family..

So i grabbed a knife and launched at her with every bit of force i had.

Thankfully, she managed to JUST dodge the knife and i was tackled to the ground where i was held until a doctor come out and medicated me, sending me to snooze land until the next day.

I woke up with what felt like the worst hangover EVER. I was sooo tired, my muscles hurt, my head hurt, i had bruises and cuts, both self inflicted and not and i was scared. Everything felt like a bad dream..

After i woke up, my mum bought me in a coffee and explained that we had to go see some special people that were going to help me be happy again and after begging her to cancel it, i was put in the car and driven to the local hospital where i met with the Crisis Team (now known as the Access and Assessment team) being 17 and a half, i was given the choice between an adult psychiatric unit or a child’s one.. I refused both and was put on a section and given the same choice. I decided to go to the adults unit as it was only 20 minutes from my home, whereas the child’s unit was around 2 hours away.

That was my first ever psychiatric admission, it was fucking crazy and so much shit went on.. But i’ll save that for another blog.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you sooo fucking much for reading this and actually paying an interest in all of the rubbish i have to vent.

For those curious about Youtube, don’t worry, i’ll be back!!! I just have to focus on my health first which is why i made this blog.. And knowing people are reading it makes me nervous, but happy but still nervous. I’ll be posting probably all of the time, i’ll also upload videos that are like phone quality with little to zero editing. I will be using this as a diary of my life.

If you want me to write about certain things, or post about certain things or reblog certain things, just drop me a message! (There’s a button next to the ‘Follow’ button)

I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIENDS AND SUPPORTING ME THROUGH EVERYTHING! I hope this blog can bring us ALL closer together, like a little family.

Tomorrow is a new day, smile.

I love you, Stevie xo 

[inexchangeforyoursoul]

Not gonna lie... with as much feedback I get (i.e. 1-2 faves/kudos a week, if I’m lucky), writing this feels like a fucking chore nine times outta ten. And I hate tedious grinding. Which is a fucking shame, because there must be like 15 readers out there who get to the chapters as I’m posting, and literally all I’d need is like 2 random commenters and my motivation would be reset till almost the end. Maybe September will bring back some of those verbose peeps who disappeared into the blue... maybe. ffn ao3

30. Knights of the coffee table

As she gets further away from the door, then the submarine, Kat starts shaking. A moment of hesitation; instead of going straight for the bedroom, she walks up to the toilet, which is vacant, to her great relief. The entire ship is eerily empty as people are scattered between the dining room and the shore from what she can hear through the beeping sound in her ear.

She slips onto the floor with back to the wall, and stares into nothingness for at least a few minutes. Returning to reality, she realizes that she's gotten sweaty. Again. And there's also a knot in her stomach. Still a little light in the head, she ambles outside to the sink and leans onto it. Stares another hole into the drain.

She's never felt so misplaced in a body, any body before, dawning sicknesses notwithstanding. Nor can she remember the last time her anxiety got this overwhelming when making a wrong move. It feels as if her ghost was dragging some kind of dead weight around. She… she legitimately just tried to kiss someone. On the lips. That's just not something she would do. Even in her wildest dreams, she's only receiving those.

Her comatose confusion soon turns into frustration; this… is so not her. Where's the real Katja and what did she do to her?! How could she have ever mustered so much… such confidence, to just, like… try and do something like that? Maybe, it's just the pill… but quite frankly, all she noticed being off was getting sleepy as fuck. And thinking out loud, which she avoids when in company. Is… is it her 'mask,' then? Or the powers? Can being taller, stronger, or just in a man's body itself, really make such a difference? Is she really like this…?

Kat peeks into the mirror; that's... not Law. Just his shell, and whoever she's supposed to be.

What could he be thinking of her now… oooh...

Having spent god knows how much time standing there with face buried in her hands, she decides to wash quick, then go down to the girl's room and be awkwardly miserable there. Frankly, she should be targeting the kitchen, but her nerves killed any appetite she might have had.

She considers lying down upon arrival, but has the feeling that she wouldn't be able to fall asleep anyhow, so… she crashes on an armchair. Staring into nothingness until she gets sleepy… a long-forgotten classic.

Twilight soon turns into darkness, and eventually Nami and Carrot arrive and blind her with the sudden lights.

"Ow," she mumbles while rubbing her eyes slowly.

"Oh… you are early," Nami notes in surprise; "did you piss him off by being nice again?" That still doesn't clear up why she was sitting around in the dark, but…

Ha ha, being… 'nice,' yyyyeah… "I," she heaves a lethargic sigh with hands still plastered over her face, "did worse." Thinking about it… she didn't buy the bear because of… or, did she? No… nope, she did those things yesterday to cheer him up, this is new. Oh… oh, nooo.

It's because he was nice to her later, isn't it? FUCK. How pathetic can she get?! That's pretty much all it has ever taken… she just started being totally suspicious of people's kindness down the line. Except for… this time. Fucking breach in the defenses.

Hearing this, even Carrot slows down, taking a questioning look at Nami. What can be worse with Trafalgar Law than being too nice or excruciatingly dumb?

"Well… did you do something stupid?" The navigator asks before closing the door, zeroing her leftover options.

Kat slides the hands off her vision. "…" Well… technically speaking, "that too." Something really stupid at that. If she didn't do that… this whole situation wouldn't be an issue.

"Then we pass, since you are not the obnoxious type, and that's the last known thing he hates apart from some psychopaths, the government, and bread," the mink shrugs, settling on the coffee table.

"I feel like there's a story to tell here," Nami notes, also sitting into the other chair. "You look quite taken."

"… uhhh… I suppose so," she creaks. Whether she's going to tell anything is another matter. Spilling the beans could make her the laughing stock of the alliance for as long as she's here…

Nope, not happening.

Nami squints at her; something is definitely up. "Well?"

She goes back into hiding and grumbles. Carrot places her hand on her chin, pondering. Her and Nami take a passing glance at each other; Kat is one to answer direct questions that don't involve opinions, so this is certainly out of the ordinary. The mink takes over the interrogation:

"That bad, huh…? On a scale from 1 to 10, how uncomfortable is it to talk about?"

"…" She doesn't want to talk or even think about this, like, ever again… but Kat also feels the peer pressure building up. And she can share this much, if nothing else. "… nine." At the very least. She has no idea what a solid 10 would be, but the minimum and maximum scores might as well not exist as far as she's concerned. There's always better or worse possibilities than what one can imagine. But this one does cut it pretty high, no matter how she looks at it. Fuuuck… how is she going to show her face tomorrow…?

"… so, let me get this straight," muses the navigator; "Additionally to doing something stupid… you did something else that bothers you, personally. And you are, by all accounts… embarrassed?" If not ashamed… it's the best she can figure from what she can see.

She moans again; that's a fucking understatement. She can feel getting red in the face again…

The girls sink into their thoughts; what's something… that would embarrass Kat?

For starters, it's not an easy thing to do. Odd hobbies, odd habits, the worst of what the world of puns can offer, anecdotes that are usually more disturbing than funny, regardless how entertaining she herself finds them… she's not bothered to share these, and also gives zero fucks about her language, which includes everything from obscure words to cussing, and her working class also shines through at times. She takes well to being corrected on things, so that's not it, either.

This has nothing to do with how she presents herself as. The key to this the other involved party, that is to say, Trafalgar Law.

"You either made him so uncomfortable that you ran away…" starts Nami, cocking her head to the right; Kat would probably overreact in a situation like that…

"… or murdered Torao with a cold-blooded joke comment, and he himself kicked you out." continues Carrot, tilting hers to the left. She can say things without thinking that could be hurtful, then regrets doing so right away.

"… or both," they nod together once they've run through the other's idea quick.

Apart from being a cold-blooded ego murderer… they are not far from the overall basic solution.

"Honestly… the quote-unquote worst thing I could think of… is something like trying to get too cuddly with him," the redhead adds after a chuckle. Oh, he'd hate that. "You pass out hugs left and right, but he gets grumpy whenever people dare to even touch him. You wouldn't want lame hugs and never ending complaints." He could barely handle the one he got the other day…

"Ha ha, right! Although… well, it's an extremely unlikely option and you'd be more pissed than hiding in a corner, but I cannot even begin to imagine if he was the one stomping into your comfort zone. It's more likely that you accidentally squeezed the life out of the dude… or were flirting with him, he would probably die from that, too," Carrot nods as they giggle to each other, then catch the flaming red ears behind Kat's hands as they glance back towards her.

… Ah.

"YOU ACTUALLY HIT ON HIM?!" they scream in unison, Nami being more on the horrified side of things while Carrot is more excited than anything else. The awed sparkles in her eyes are entirely unnecessary.

"SO WHAT IF I DID?!" Kat screams back at them in embarrassment and panic, and with a burning-up face. Technically, she just straight-out skipped the flirting part and went for the finish line. She can't quite believe it herself… the more she thinks about it, the less so. Because she never would have thought to be capable of even getting that close to... to kiss someone. Gave up on having any kind of relationship eons ago, too. Ugh. She's having kind of a personality crisis right now, okay?! More importantly, however… "And why are you yelling it for all to hear?!" Seriously…! This is already bad enough as it is.

"Okay, okay, okay, calm down," Nami instructs her after snapping out of her surprise; "Zoro's probably out cold in the crow's nest, and there's noone left on the Sunny right now! Your secret is as safe as it gets!"

That… actually sounds very reassuring after the heart attack; Kat slumps down in relief. She's also on the verge of tears, to be honest.

"Either way, Kat…! What was it that you said?! Was it on accident?" asks the mink without any other care in the world.

"It's… less about having said something. It's what I did by a hair that was out of line." If she's lucky, he didn't get a word of that… what if he can read lips, though? Nooo…

"… like, slapping his ass, or so?"

An awkward smile appears on Nami's face while she starts thinking that maybe she should get a hold of Carrot's horses, here.

"NO!" Kat screams in bewilderment. It's… not without precedent, but the couple of occasions when she did something even remotely similar were all a dumb joke among female peers. Boy thighs and butts are out of question! … even if said boy is in her body.

"Joking, just joking!" Carrot protests with raised hands; "Because we said 'hitting on,' get it?"

Kat stares at her. "… I'm not even getting quality jokes anymore," she sighs eventually, grumbling, with hands on top of her head.

"You're obviously tired, so I don't blame you," the rabbit girl continues with a shrug. "Hell, you are definitely blowing things out of proportion because of it. Whatever you did cannot be all that serious… sleep on it, alright? It won't seem that bad in the morning." Unless, of course, Kat did break the bejeezus out of him.

The initial answer is an elongated, whiny moan. "No, it is bad! Very bad!" she bursts out then, reaching back to the uncharacteristically aggressive voice from a minute ago before covering behind her arms that she pulls forward. Then, she raises one hand up with a gap roughly the size of a longer nail between her thumb and pointing finger; "I was literally… this close. This close! " She takes a big breath before continuing; "To… mack on him." Her sentence ends in half a whimper. Taking another sniffle-suspicious deep breath, she collects her composure and peeks out towards the table from behind her bars. "Then he winced, I backed the fuck out... and we were locked into the most awkward space sharing nonversation of the century." She fucked up sooo bad…

"You… you actually did that?" asks Nami, the reality of the situation setting in. She can see how this is not a situation her friend can handle. Kat… doesn't get physical with people she doesn't know. She did notice her flinching last week when shoving her towards the infirmary, even though she wasn't hurt there; she figured she's overstepped her boundaries back then. Afterwards, she's made a point to let Kat initiate, and it seems to have worked out perfectly fine; now she'll readily give and receive pokes and hugs whenever. That girl really is kind of like a cat in this regard.

Similarly, unless someone straight-out asks for it, she rarely shares her opinion on anything out of her jurisdiction… the navigator had to poke around a little last Saturday just so Kat would tell which dress she thinks would suit her better. Then the spare time artist went into a five minute monologue about pros and cons, and the details of color theory and whatnot… making the decision even harder, to be honest. 'Just choose whichever you are more comfortable in, you will be the one wearing it, not me,' was her final conclusion.

All in all…. she keeps to herself, to an extreme. And today, she intruded into another's personal space, and judging by her recap, and the kind of person Law is… it must have come off as incredibly rude.

"... yeah," She squeaks almost questioningly as she emerges from her shame barrier, then takes a rugged breath and stares at the ceiling. Never in her wildest dreams… What the fuck has gotten into her back then? She refuses to believe that she'd be capable of such an act... "The funniest thing is, though," she continues as her vision slides down the wooden walls, "that the idea came outta nowhere. I just had this... garchu moment while the painkiller and drugs were still kinda tickin' and gave 'im this big ole bear hug. Which was fine, aye? But I took too long to leave 'im alone proper, wondrin'bout how small and cold he is right now, and darn me if I did not like this person 'ere as much as wee liddel me did her mum back in them days, and..."

Nami puts a hand out in front of her face, contemplating to wave if she girl doesn't react. "Kat... Kat, calm down, your lingo is getting thick and hard to follow..." The words started rolling really fast somewhere down the line, too.

She does come to a full stop, though; her mouth twitches. "Then, he looked up. At me. That close." She lifts her fingers up again a bit, with downcast eyes; they have been displaying the short distance ever since she gave that estimate. "And that's when I... just thought, 'holy shit.' I mean, I could just... blame being high, but..." She feels like blushing again and puts that hand to her temples.

Carrot, who's been listening all spellbound, looks over to Nami. "… falling in love sounds hardcore."

Kat buries her face in her hands again and moans. "I haven't had a crush on anyone since I was 13. That's a literal decade! This is so embarrassing..." And will be super awkward for however long they'll be stuck like this. Maybe… maybe it will go away in two weeks. Please, be a two to four weeks phase like with anything or anyone this has happened with.

Nami sighs and walks over to her to give her back a stroke. "There, there…"

Having all of this bullshit out of her system (and getting a long overdue, nice petting,) Kat feels really tired all of a sudden. She can finally focus on other stuff now, too; reviewing the convo with the girls, she speaks up again: "By the way… you said the ship's empty? How come?" This place is always teeming with life…

"Yeah, it's Friday, and as Luffy has declared… it's party time," the redhead sighs, straightening herself and stretching. "He dragged everyone past our already half-drunk sleeping beauty out, but I didn't sleep all that well last night, so I'm all partied out already." Having said that, the navigator yawns.

"Oh… yeah, I forgot." She herself told the captain and Usopp about it, too… she needs some goddamn sleep.

"Shit, right…! I promised to get back for another round of booze and the karaoke," Carrot says and jumps up near immediately; "see ya!"

With that, the door is already slamming shut.

"... was Carrot playing your bodyguard, or…?" Kat asks with a raised brow.

"This area gives me the creeps at night," sighs Nami before ambling towards the light switch. "Like, no offense, but this is quite a ghost port." She swears she can see things move in the shadows at night.

Kat starts yawning away again, too. "You are not wrong about that. Ain't nothing in this corner but dying businesses and hooligans." She crawls onto the floor to find her cocoon. "At least the rent's cheap in the vicinity," she moans with the covers already over her.

"That's one way to look at it," the navigator nods, getting rid of her pants. "G'nite," she moans then a little later into the pillow after crashing into the bed.

"Good night to you, too," Kat sighs. She feels more like a zombie instead of a ghost now. Kind of like after crying. Yeah… maybe she really just needs to sleep on it. Maybe.