#but also people are more ok with seeing him feminine than they are with josh... idk... thags just the vibes i get...

[juvederm]

i wish i had more josh mutuals that don't seek to include chris in everything like. i don't hate chris at all or dislike cc, i said this already but. just clarifying again.

i don't like how most ppl who like josh don't even really like him. they usually like josh if chris is also there. like y'all don't get me. i'm here solely for josh and i like to have fun w characters on their own. i don't get why most interpretations of josh always include sam or chris.

and abt ppl only liking josh when sam or chris are there-- i don't mean to be rude, but josh is more interesting than those two combined, bc of the stuff he has going on beneath the surface. he doesn't need them to be interesting, he's already compelling enough on his own.

im still insecure about posting in this fandom even tho i do it every day. but i'd be less nervous about posting my josh stuff if the people who claim to "like him" weren't so. odd. cuz the josh mutuals i have rn (who solely like josh on his own...) are okay with every silly doodle i draw of josh, bc they don't care. they're here for him and they just like him

meanwhile cc likers that i've met are really. not people i get along with. bc like i said, they kinda only like chris and josh and that's it. id go as far to say they don't even like the game lmfao bc they only like it for cc.

idk... real josh fans are ok with seeing him in a dress from time to time lol. one of the main reasons i can have fun with his character is bc i know Allll there is to know about the source material + josh's canon depiction. which i honestly love, i don't need to change josh in order to like him. but i feel like some ppl do that and those r the people i can't get along with

i wish ppl were more open to having fun w these characters. posting them in silly outfits and such shouldn't be like, anxiety inducing lmfao i want to have fun and i wish others would be more open to that but as of rn, it just doesn't seem that way.

it's hard to tell if i'm making this up or if my anxieties are real, but the thought of it being real is enough to have me stress over it every time i think of posting or if i'm drawing something.

but everyone who follows me for ud-- hi, thank you for following and liking and reblogging my stuff, esp thatoneudguy cuz he supports like everything i say and make lol (and special shout out to queerkearney for always complimenting my work, its rly motivating <3) y'all are cool!!

[jhkfan123]

enchanted- tom blyth | ch. 4

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

✦iv.

after your amazing actors on actors with jenna, you didn't even have a day  to spare before rachel's get-together tonight. you had been to her apartment a few times. the only people you knew were going to be there was rachel, obviously, josh, and tom. maybe hunter but you weren't sure. you decided to dress in a smart casual look. it wasn't anything fancy, but showing up in sweats was not going to work. 

after about 10 hours of finding parking, you finally got to her door and knocked. you thought Rachel would answer the door, but it was actually josh. 

"hey, come on in!" he said. you gave him a side hug and got inside the door. 

"it's so good to see you, josh." you said as you made your way out of the entryway. you looked around. you had always loved this apartment. it was simple, but elegant. floor to ceiling windows around all the walls, providing a beautiful view of LA. white furniture, with pink flower accents and beautiful gold mirrors. it was pretty much your dream apartment. she had jazz music playing over the speakers as background noise. you heard voices coming from the kitchen, so you made your way over there. 

when you finally arrived at the kitchen, you noticed rachel, tom, and a few people you didn't recognize. rachel was wearing slacks with a beautiful sleeveless top. her hair was done and she was wearing a dark eye look. gosh she looked great. tom was standing next to her. in fact, he was helping her cut some vegetables. rachel always cooked for you guys. tom was wearing black pants,  a green button up shirt. what looked like half the buttons were unbuttoned, it was his thing. you're not sure you've ever seen him in a shirt that was fully buttoned. there was a leather jacket on the counter, which you assumed was his. you hadn't met the other people in the room, but their style seemed to be similar to yours. when rachel finally looked up, she walked over to give you a hug. you embraced her. when you released from the hug, you caught tom smiling. smiling at you.  he looked down once you made eye contact, which made you smile. you were feeling bold, so you made the first move to give him a hug. you walked over and hugged him. you felt his arms wrap around your waist. you let your head sink into his shoulder. 

"i'm so happy you made it, y/n! i have to introduce you to them!" rachel said, she gestured to a group of three standing near her. you glanced up at tom and he nodded back at you. you took rachel's hand and went over to meet them. "guys," they all looked at you, "this is y/n, one of my best friends, i worked with her on hunger games. she's the best. y/n this is dahlia, steven, and zola." she gestured to each one as she named them off. you shook steven's hand first. 

"hey girl, i've heard about you. it's so nice to meet you."  he had a very feminine way about him. he seemed to radiate warmth, as his smile was very welcoming. 

"lovely to meet you." you responded. next you looked over at zola. she was gorgeous. beautiful afro, amazing makeup and eye look, and an amazing outfit. she was very chic. "it's nice to meet you, zola." she took your hand. 

"ok not to sound weird, but i loved you in your movie last year. and it's so good to meet you." she was also very charismatic and cheery. you laughed at her comment about your movie and shook your head. finally dahlia got your attention. she seemed shy. more quiet than the others. 

"hi, im dahlia it's good to meet you." she hesitantly extended her hand. you took it with confidence. 

"good to meet you too. i can't wait to get to know you guys more." dahlia took her hand back after you shook it. they all nodded. you turned away and grabbed yourself a glass of champagne. you had a sip and took in your surroundings again. the whole aesthetic of the place made you feel so safe. you tried to tune out everyone and listen to the jazz music. you had always loved it. you hated that it was put on as background music. sometimes you would listen to straight jazz for hours while you got work done. the way all the instruments and artist work together like clockwork had always been fascinating to you. 

you were interrupted by someone calling your name. you looked around and located the voice. it was easy based on the accent. tom. he was sitting on the couch with josh and one other guy.  dahlia was sitting on the couch, but farther away from them, not engaging in conversation. tom signaled you over. feeling giddy again, you made your way over. 

"you like the jazz music huh? i saw you staring into the oblivion, listening." he commented. you sat down next to josh, who was the one person separating you and tom. 

"oh my god i probably looked so odd." you said. you tucked your hair behind your ear to the best of your ability, but quickly put it back because you weren't debby ryan. you looked down into your lap. 

"no, no you didn't look odd. it was kind of..sweet, actually" he said. you instantly got butterflies in your stomach. you felt your face get red. it was bad. you attempted to giggle it off, but there was no hiding the reaction you had. you caught josh give tom a look, almost like a proud look. you weren't sure what it meant. 

"i'm sorry, i.." you attempted to cover for yourself but nothing came to mind. all you saw was tom smile and drop his head. 

"any new updates in your life?" he asked. you were so thankful he moved on from the conversation. 

"well yesterday i filmed my actors on actors with jenna ortega. keep that on the down-low, though." 

"that's really cool. how was that?" again, he seemed genuinely interested in what you had to say. not a common occurrence. you saw the man next to him glance over at you. he tried to get josh's attention, and mouthed something to him you could not make out. 

"it was really cool. really interesting. it was great to meet someone who had a similar career to me. thank you for asking, by the way." 

"it's the right thing to do-" he was cut off by his friend. 

"dude, are you not going to introduce me?" he said. he glanced over at him, his smile slightly faltered. 

"oh. yeah. right. y/n this is brady. he's my friend and rachel has met him before, so that's why he's here. he works in the industry, but more behind the scenes." brady offered you his hand and you shook it. 

"yeah, i've been talking to him, he's pretty nice." josh commented. you felt bad talking across him this whole time. he seemed to get that memo. "speaking of talking, i have to go tell rachel something. brady, come with me." you saw him gave a slight nod to tom as he stood up.

"bro what? i don't want t-"

"come with me brady." josh said, more assertively. brady shrugged and got up. without warning, tom got up and moved much closer to you. you weren't sure what to do. your stomach was all in knots. you laughed, slightly awkwardly. it was all you could think of. 

"well that was strange. anyways, tell me more about this actors on actors." with him this much closer, you couldn't even remember you name, much less the details of your actors on actors. 

"well, we had this really cool talk about how london is both of our favorite cities and if we didn't live in la, we would for sure live in london. and we also talked about social media and stuff." 

"i love london. i mean i obviously moved to brooklyn and now la, but i really do love it. i had no idea you loved it so much." he said. you played with the bracelet on your wrist. 

"yeah i do. i really want to visit again soon." you felt like a genius. a lightbulb went off in your head. "we should go together sometime." boom. genius. 

"yeah, yeah we should go. that would be really fun, y/n." for some reason, him saying your name made the conversation even better. people who take the time to address you by name, truly care about you. at least, that's what your mom taught you. a very excited rachel approached you, with a tray in front of her. there seemed to be little mini appetizers on it. 

"hey guys. you have to try these. it's a new recipe and they are delicious! please try one. tom?" she offered it to him first, which he gladly took it. then you took one. there was some sort of creme on top, but a savory bottom. rachel walked away and you tried it. she was absolutely right. it was totally delicious. 

"wow, that's amazing, rachel!" tom spoke, a little loud, making sure he heard her. you nodded. she looked over at you and him and blew a kiss. he laughed. "aren't they good? oh. ok y/n i don't think you understand how much creme is on your face right now." you laughed. you were never the cleanest eater. you tried to get it, but according to tom, kept missing. "you know what? let me just-" he reached over and glided his finger across your nose, and slightly above your lip. his touch sent a shock through you. "got it." you played it off cool. 

"thank you, tom." you hadn't realized how close the two of you had gotten over the course of the conversation. your knees were pretty much touching. you saw tom place his hand down at his side again. "what would i do without you?" you joked. he smiled briefly. 

"i don't think you have to worry about that." he said. now the butterflies in your stomach were flying around even more rapidly. thankfully, josh sat back down, on your side now, meaning you and tom were still close. you looked over at him and began conversation. 

...

after dinner, everything was wrapping up. you went to go say goodbye to rachel, who was talking to zola. 

"thank you so much for everything tonight. it was great. you're an amazing chef, but i have to go" you said. you caught her attention and she pivoted. she gave you a big hug. 

"thank you for coming, girl. i'll see you soon, ok?" you nodded. zola reacher her hand out again and bid you goodbye. you made your way around to everyone.

after saying goodbye to josh, you approached tom. 

"hey tom i'm going to go, but i'll see you soon?" he glanced at you. 

"oh! let me walk you to your car." he offered. 

"oh no that's ok i'm right outside. besides, i can take care of myself. I took self-defense my ninth grade year, you know that?" he laughed. 

"no but seriously, let me walk you. it's dangerous at night and it's almost 11." he placed his hand on your back and led you towards the door.  you let him. there was no point in fighting, he seemed pretty adamant of this. when you got to your car, he ran around the car and tried to open your door. the door was locked. you watched as he confidently pulled on the door, just for nothing to happen. you couldn't help but burst into laughter. 

"oh my gos-"

"not a word. at least i tried." he said, defeated. you snickered again as you unlocked the door. you gestured for him to try again. and, with less confidence now, he successfully opened the door. you stepped in. 

"drive home safe, ok?" you nodded. "oh and y/n? how about coffee tomorrow, you know, just to catch up some more, talk about work?" you had never been this excited in your life. 

"yes. of course. menotti's?" 

"menotti's." 

"alright, see you there at 10?" he nodded. "alright. goodnight."

"goodnight. y/n."

[transmutationisms]

(different anon) on roman and the sibs' relationships with food, I think it's interesting in contrast to how Logan eats with vigor, real Grew Up During The Great Depression energy as someone said before.

To me, that contrast reflects how Logan feels about the fortune he's given his own kids, as Kendall acknowledges during their mom's wedding- he sees his kids' consumption as unearned while he believes he has the right to indulge in what he pleases and deems acceptable to himself.

I've got some like. Impressions on what the others sibs' relationships w consumption and their bodies are in relation to how Logan treats them and raised them but they're not fully formed yet :p I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on them in this regard!

ok i have a few people in my inbox saying similar things about logan, and i don't totally disagree but i think there's some more nuance here. like sure, logan eats more than the kids, but the specific manner in which he does is like, fucked in a different way. i'm thinking of shiv saying he did the master cleanse, or how he often surrounds himself with rich food but eats little of it (esp this is noticeable in meetings with rhea, nan, or josh, for example), or the whole situation with his health smoothies in s3. so much of logan's character is driven by this constant anxiety about his health and how that telegraphs his masculinity; his eating pattern is certainly not the restrictive feminine pattern that roman engages in, but it's fucked in a different way imo, the way he's clearly thinking about food as a tool for disciplining his body and showing his strength.

with kendall we tend to see his eating in situations where he's with logan. he eats burgers with him, and seems to imitate logan in not eating in certain business situations (again, rhea, nan, josh). kendall has that neoliberal self-optimisation thing going on and treats his body as a tool; he likes to be useful, and manages his food consumption in this context. this also fits with him being on the treadmill in s2 and his daybreak gym douche routine in s1.

shiv is interesting because it's actually nearly impossible to find clips of her actually eating (though she's watching a cooking show when she's home sick in 'chiantishire'). imo she's actually caroline's mirror, eating-wise; caroline justifies her not-eating through the language of health, which is sympatico with shiv's hygiene fixation, and also caroline is clearly protestant, and shiv has that reformist individualism thing going on that so often accompanies a particular manner of fasting and bodily denial (different from roman's, which is catholic).

connor i would argue is the least roy of the roys, when it comes to consumption; he enjoys the material fruits of wealth in a way the others can't. we have less concrete info about his eating just because he's more secondary, but he certainly likes fine wine, there's cake at his rehearsal dinner, etc. also i think shiv offering him gourmando fits with this (at least, it tells us that she perceives him as enjoying eating and drinking).

[kyemeruthie]

Self-love

Not much work to do inside the office, so after sweeping PJO in a week, Umbrella Academy the next, we did 3 movies this time. Wow. Bad employee. Tsk. Still reviewing them here. Hahaha

Booksmart (2019) : 5/5 stars

Olivia Wilde’s coming-of-age film would definitely be a classic with cult following. News says that Booksmart did not hit much attention from moviegoers, partly because it was released during weekends near John Wick 3, Aladdin, and all the other storied movie franchises. Sad. Anyway, I love this film. I was just laughing the whole time. It’s a beautiful story of friendship and getting to know yourself and the people around you, of asserting your independence, and of the best memories to remember later on. Molly and Amy are best friends, straight-A students, ready to graduate and proceed to Ivy League universities. But when they learned that their seemingly lazy, jock classmates would go to the best schools too, one of them employed by Google, they start to question their life choices. Molly mostly, Amy’s quite cool but still anxious about a lot of things. Anyway, they decide to spend the night partying with Nick and his gang before they graduate the next day-- ready to prove everyone that they also have cool social lives. The rest is funny and revelatory ride towards their graduation day.

We can all relate to Booksmart’s plot one way or another. I personally see myself as a mix of Molly and Amy -- less obnoxious but tries to be as outgoing as Molly, more introverted and willing to explore the world like Amy. And then some of my friends from the mix of students featured in the film. But what’s more beautiful and intelligent about the film is that the stereotypical HS kids we know cannot be placed in neat boxes as we want them to be. People can be both skaters and scholars too; girls with more provocative personalities and more assertive of their sexuality are also intelligent; jocks read books too; the quiet ones can be loud too. Theater kids would always be theater kids, but with a different kind of drama every now and then. Haha. Breakfast Club, the epitome of HS drama in the 90s gave us five general classification of HS people-- and this movie breaks that. Actually, I remembered High School Musical trilogy also spoke the same message-- people can be whoever they want. They can both play basketball and bake, dance and sing, etc. Booksmart brings the same message across, but also with greater emphasis on what women can do and become: that they shouldn’t be pitted against each other, shouldn’t be labelled sluts when they’re more progressive about the way they dress and approach their sexuality, and that they can helm a movie as awesome as this one.   

***

Dumplin (2018) 4/5 stars

Another film topbilled by women. This time it tackles body and fat shaming, confidence building, and the role of pageants in “empowering” women. Dumplin is based on a book of the same title written by Julie Murphy. I’ve always wanted to read this but Fullybooked may have ran out of paperback copies. I still have to find one. Haha. 

Dumplin tells the story of WIllowdean “Will” Dickson, a self-proclaimed fat girl. Her mom calls her “Dumplin,” which she naturally detests because it reminds her of her physical differences from her mom, who was a former beauty queen. The story then revolves around Will’s quest to prove that fat girls have what it takes to join beauty pageants often reserved for the skinny, tall, and feminine: basically, the conventional definition of beautiful. Other girls join Will’s quest, and soon she finds herself leading an unlikely revolution.

What I like about the movie: the premise of the story, strong acting from the lead and supporting cast, the whole message of the film, and I never thought I’d appreciate Dolly Parton songs. I read reviews and it seems Netflix commissioned all-original DP songs specifically for this film. Wow. Oh, and Bo Larson and his cleft chin. He’s too beautiful. I’m crushing on him because of this movie. Areas where it can improve on? Script basically. It’s full of motherhood statements and quotes from DP songs, but I think we can do more about that. The concept of body shaming needs to be fleshed out further to help audiences understand its consequences. WIll is ok with her body, but there wasn’t much discussion on her issues with her mother relative to her being fat, or how this has changed pageantry. The way I see it, having 2 fat girls and a rocker join the pageant became more of a novelty than an outright rejection of the whole conventional beauty imposed by pageants. Or maybe I’m expecting too much. I just feel that if we take on a serious subject and try to use humor as a means to comfortably discuss it; then we should fully use the platform to flesh out important issues that need to be addressed or understood by a larger audience. That way, we took every means possible to get our advocacy across; instead of half-heartedly putting them forward.

***

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018) : 5/5 stars

Our last film for review. Helmed by a female lead and based on a YA romance novel written by Jenny Han. I purposefully did not read the book; maybe because that time I felt it would be too cheesy for my taste. The film wasn’t, so maybe I’d give the book a chance. Hahaha.

In the film, Lara Jean writes secret love letters to guys who made an impact on her lovelife, places them on addressed envelopes, then tucks them in a box hidden in her closet. She’s introverted, having trouble fitting in with most groups, but enjoys the company of her sisters and is generally happy with her student life. It takes a sudden turn when the letters suddenly were delivered to their owners-- Josh, her sister’s boyfriend and her bestfriend; Peter, the guy she kissed during middle school; another from model UN; Lucas, whom she danced with during freshman year and admits to being gay; and another former crush. This puts LJ in a twist, particularly on Josh. The story moves along Lara Jean’s decisions to get over the mess she’s in and return to being invisible.

It’s a classic romcom, lines are witty, the whole story is funny and good. It doesn’t end up contrived and too cheesy; just the right amount of cute. Recommended if you’d want to watch something that’ll not push you to think too much. I like that it balanced the story between Lara Jean’s guy problems, and her overall relationship with her family. It also put into perspective that no matter how embarassing things would turn out to be, the best way out would always be confronting them head on. Family are good sidekicks; but also trustworthy friends; and a healthy dose of courage and self-confidence. Lastly, Asia represent!

***

If you’re looking for something to watch over the weekend, you can watch these. Great also for Independence Day, because you know, they celebrate women’s independence and empowerment in different ways. Haha. Enjoy!

[daddy5atan]

1,3,5,6 8,10

1. What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? 

I identify as transmasculine and gay, and I use he/him pronouns.

3.Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it? 

I am literally misgendered 80% of the time, even when trying TOO HARD to pass. I’ve noticed that it’s usually people that weren’t born and raised in Canada/this area that actually correct gender me I guess because it’s not as common in other countries?? Idk but anyway I kinda just go : ) and try not to die and then think about it for the rest of the day and maybe cry

5. Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?

I came out more than once and it was a mess. prepare for this, it’s gonna be long. 

The first time I came out was on Twitter to my online friends and it was kind of just like “here’s what’s going on, please respect my choice,” and my friends were either like “awesome, i’m proud of you!” or “i saw this coming!”, it was generally good.

I came out to two teachers who ran QSA, one who had been a teacher of mine twice prior and whom I loved, and the other was one of the guidance counselors who I also grew to love. It was during one of our QSA meetings. I was terrified, red in the face, probably about to have an anxiety attack, and when I finally said it, they were like “oh! okay! what do you want us to call you?” and that was it. then they went “do you feel better now that you told us?” and yes, it felt great, and they were really good about referring to me as Zak and he/him pronouns for the rest of the year (this was in grade 12). I came out to a third teacher, who was another one of my favourite teachers and the head of the newspaper and it basically went “heymissineedtogetpermissiontowriteunderthenamezakbecausei’mtransisthatok” and she just went “sure”.

I came out to my mom while out with on a walk late at night with her. I’d just gotten home from school for Christmas break, and it was just overall shitty because everyone refers to me as Zak and he/him at school, but not at home. She was bitching about how she was getting plastic surgery to fix a scar that never healed right and how i “didn’t understand how it felt to want to change something so badly” and I was like “heh yeah ok” and she kept pushing me to tell her what it was. she was like “IF YOU WANT YOUR BOOBS TO BE SMALLER YOU CAN DO THAT, I DID THAT WHEN I WAS A LITTLE OLDER THAN YOU” and I was like “yes smaller as in non existent” and she made the face equivalent to that white woman trying to solve that math problem meme and she basically told me i was too young and stupid to know i was trans and that i was being a baby and it absolutely could not happen. i was already dating josh at this point, i went home and cried with him about it :)

she eventually accepted it, and the following national coming out day, i announced it on facebook because at that point i was like “NO MORE SECRETS I’M TIRED OF Y’ALL TELLING ME I LOOK LIKE A BOY LIKE IT’S A BAD THING FFS” and it felt good even though all my family and friends were like “omg i’m so proud of you (deadname)!” like rly bitch

6. If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?

See above. 

I’ll also add that most of my family and close friends were like “yeah, i guessed as much,” while my mom said “i thought you were just a butch lesbian” and my dad supposedly knew all along but i don’t believe him because he still hardly speaks english ffs

One of my “”friends”” when i came out in high school though, was like “yeah i’ve known you for so long i can’t just call you zak sorry” and yeah that’s the story of how i no longer interact with someone i used to call my best friend and she still has my walking dead game @ megan give it back 

 8. Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear. 

Overly masculine clothing usually. Like. You know That Clothing™. And also just generally very dark and emo still. 

10. What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

I don’t wear makeup, because, at the moment, it would just make me dysphoric. I think anyone can wear makeup if they want to, like, it’s your choice entirely and it can be a great way to express yourself and your artistic abilities, but. I’m trying so hard to not be feminine and since it’s so widely considered “”feminine”” I will avoid it until I look masculine enough to still pass while wearing makeup tbh

Send me an LGBTQ+ ask!!

[thewidowstanton]

Tessa Blackman, hand-to-hand and acrobalance artist, Josh & Tess, Living Room Circus

American circus artist Tessa Blackman – who is from Chicago – trained as a dancer from the age of five. She specialised in classical ballet at the University of North Carolina School of the Arts, and also did tap, jazz and contemporary. She went on train at Chicago’s Second City and has also studied holistic energy and worked with InVision, a school of psychic abilities.

In 2016 she graduated from the National Centre for Circus Arts in London with her hand-to-hand partner Joshua Frazer. As Josh & Tess, their acts are an enticing fusion of ballet and circus. They are members of Living Room Circus and appear in its show The Penguin and I from 29 June – 2 July at The Dairy at Springhill Farm, in Forest Row, Sussex. It runs again on 25 July at Jacksons Lane in London, and the duo appear in Simple Cypher’s Cypher Stories on 26 July at the same venue during its Postcards 2017 season. Tessa chats to Liz Arratoon.

The Widow Stanton: Any there any other performers in your family? Tessa Blackman: Yes. My mum, Suzanne Lek, was a prima ballerina. My great, great uncle was Nicolas Legat, who was a really famous Russian dancer. He was kind of like in the beginning of the whole Vaganova technique. Back in the day there was the Legat School of Ballet and the Royal Ballet and they were kind of rivals. So my mum went there from ten to 18. But then Legat got shut down. She worked for the London Festival Ballet and then moved to Yugoslavia and worked in a company there. She also worked at Pineapple Dance Studio and then actually first brought Pineapple to New York. My dad isn’t a performer but he loves the arts.

Is your mother Russian? No. Our familly line is Russian but she’s actually Welsh… well, it’s all mxed up because my grandparents lived in Holland but when the Nazis invaded they moved to Wales, cos we’re Jewish. My dad is from Chicago, born and bred.

Did you always want to be a dancer? Yes. When I was five my mother was teaching and I said, ‘Please can I come and take some classes with you?’. There was never pressure. She never pushed me to dance but it was kind of, ‘If you’re gonna do it, you’re gonna do it well.’ Then she pushed me pretty hard, but in a good way. It was tough at times and I danced from five years old up until 19. I went to North Carolina School of the Arts boarding school for ballet and yeah, I always wanted to be a dancer. That was my thing.

So why aren’t you a dancer? Yes, exactly. When I was 18, I had a really bad back injury; I had a herniated disc and that was the end of my ballet career. I kind of took about four years out. All the doctors wanted me to have surgery but there was something instinctual in me that told me not to do it, and I said I didn’t want it. I did holistic therapies and everything I could and essentially healed myself over time. During that time I went to art school, started painting, did a lot of energy work…

Did you do acting at Second City? Isn’t it an improv place? Yeah, they have a five-level improvisational programme and I did that for a year right after NCSA.

What made you move on to circus? Basically when I was living in Chicago and doing all these crazy things, I started getting romantically involved with a Circus du Soleil performer, who was a dancer in Dralion. [Laughs] I was like, ‘This is awesome!’. I was going to all his different shows around the States and he took me backstage one day and I got to meet all the performers. I was talking to them and was like, ‘How do you do this? This looks insane!’ They were like: “Well, you can train your muscles just like you train your muscles for dance.” They gave me this conditioning programme that I started doing on my own. 

Then because I have a UK passport, I decided that I was gonna buy a one-way ticket and move to England. I did that – it worked with our relationship because he was travelling everywhere too – and I researched where I could take circus classes. I found Circus Space, which the National Centre for Circus Arts was at the time. It said, ‘Degree auditons in four weeks’. So I was like, ‘Maybe I should do this’. [Laughs] I trained for four weeks and I got in, which I still can’t believe. I couldn’t believe it happened because I had only really been physically training hard and getting back into shape since my injury probably for six months prior to the audition. I did a dance performance for my audition piece; I’d never done any circus before, I couldn’t even do a handstand. [Laughs]

This is marvellous, almost like running away with the circus… Yeah, I always describe circus to people as like one of those claw machines at fairgrounds that pick up toys. [Makes a claw hand motion] Circus just sort of picks you up and you’re like, ‘Oh, how did I get here?’. Everyone’s story is just completely different. What made you choose hand-to-hand? I was trying a bunch of disciplines and because I had no gymnastics background I had zero upper-body strength. I found aerial quite challenging. Then I started doing acrobalance and me and Josh paired up and started working together. It was really interesting, because we were similar in size and I was basing him a lot and he was basing me, and I realised that actually hand-to-hand was closer to dance than I thought and it felt really good. And we were dating, so it seems as if my romantic life takes me in the direction of my art forms [laughs]. We just dove into it together and started training and we loved it.

Your degree piece, Bound, was so distinctive and really impressive. How would you describe your style? Where we started is kind of like gender neutrality and not being confined to our genders in the way we express ourselves as artists. So we wanted to bring in a fluid movement quality and not have that be distinctly feminine and bring in a raw quality and not have that just be male; how we can both move in-between that language together and display a woman strongly and maybe display a man femininely.

Since our devised piece we’ve developing a lot with the knotted ropes – Shibari – moving more towards this raw, more aggressive style at the minute. I’m seeing that Shibari is getting more incorporated into circus now, which is really cool [see our interview with Hanna Moisala]; the whole self-suspension thing, having it be an aerial apparatus. We haven’t explored that as much but we’ve been using more the harness work.

Would you agree there has been quite a move to having women as bases? Is there a point to prove? Yeah, absolutely. I think for years we’ve been in that space as women of trying to prove a point, but for me I like to think of it, in respect to the feminist movement, that we’re not trying to be men, it’s more that we’re trying to display our strengths. The difficulty is that people are going: “Oh, you’re just trying to do the man’s job.” But it’s like, ‘No, actually these jobs are equal and we’re trying to show you that we are strong as well, that we are just as strong, we are built to do things like that, too’. It’s like: “Female bases, what’s this?” But it’s super-exciting to see and everyone loves to see it. I think it’s amazing that it’s happening.

How hard is your ‘iron-jaw’ move? [Laughs] I think that like with every circus trick, it’s an illusion to a certain extent; you have the strength but there are ways of making it safe for your body. I would say it’s probably more like a neck hang than it is genuinely from my jaw.

You might be interested in the aerialist Miss La La… but tell us about Josh and why you like working with him? A lot of reasons. We’re basically best friends. We’re not together any more in a relationship so that’s been a difficult transition but the fact is that when you work so close with someone you become best friends. We were living together for three years, we saw each other 24 hours a day so I think my relationship with him is unlike any other I’ve had with anybody. It’s probably one of the most special relationships I’ve had.

The way I kind of describe our creative process sometimes is at times I throw up on the table and then he cleans it up [laughs, a lot]. I’m kind of like, ‘Wah, wah, wah, here it is, this idea, this idea’, and he’s like: “OK, but how can we make that all work and structure it together.” It feels like a good balance.

I’ve always loved adagio and hand-to-hand with the woman in pointe shoes. You support Josh on your shoulders while on pointe. It’s stunning but what does it do to your feet… [Laughs] It requires a lot of training with my legs. The strength isn’t all coming from my ankles, it’s coming from my entire leg, so I have to keep up on my physio with my ankles and then also the strength of my inner thighs and glute muscles so that the whole leg is working to lift the body rather than just my feet.

I’ve never really understood pointe shoes. Is the inside shaped to cushion your foot? Not really. It’s a really close fit but they’re made of papier maché and have wood around the block part. You mostly wear toe pads inside. Most people use cotton or little gels, so sometimes there’s a little bit of foam at the tip of the shoe.

What have you done since graduation? I’ve mostly been working with the Living Room Circus, which is run by Elinor Harvey. She won the Deutsche Bank Business Plan Award in our year at NCCA. We did our first performance together last summer in a yurt in Forest Row in Sussex. We’re coining ourselves right now as an immersive experimental circus company. We mix circus, dance, live music and physical theatre, with an emphasis on audience interaction and involvement. We’re working on The Penguin and I, which Jason Dupree is directing.

Tell us a bit about the show… We’ve been creating a series of scenes that we can then adapt into whatever space we’re going into. For the new show we have this bespoke sofa that we can use in different ways, to balance on, to hang from. We actually got the money to make it from a Kickstarter campaign, which was great. This coming week we are performing in a dairy farm again in Forest Row. We have the scenes all laid out and we’re going to see what we can do with the space. It’s going to be really, really cool. It’s Eli’s home town and it’s kind of like our starting place.

Can you pick out a career highlight or two so far? Right off the bat, I’d say how much Josh and I have travelled so far. We’ve been to Corsica, Israel, Belgium and around the UK, and that alone is pretty awesome and exciting. Then just working with the Living Room Circus has been amazing because it feels just like a circus family. It feels like we’re a bunch of kids making a company, because we haven’t really had that much outside help. We’ve had help funding-wise but yeah, we’ve created this family together and we’re trying to make it work and see what happens.

The Penguin and I runs from 29 June – 2 July at The Dairy, Springhill Farm, in Forest Row, Sussex and again on 25 July at Jacksons Lane in London. Josh and Tess also appear in Simple Cypher’s Cypher Stories on 26 July at the same venue during its Postcards 2017 season.

Picture credits: Tessa’s headshot, Nizaad Photography; Josh on shoulders/iron jaw, Bertil Nilsson; The Penguin, Miriam Strong

For tickets for The Penguin and I at The Dairy and at Jacksons Lane, and for  Cypher Stories. click the links

Twitter: @LRCircus @jacksons_lane @SimpleCypher

Follow @TheWidowStanton on Twitter

Click the links to read our interviews with Simple Cypher’s Kieran Warner and Christopher Thomas

[wordslikebloodinmyveins]

It’s Been Two Weeks...

The thing about that kiss was it wouldn’t get out of his goddamned head. Which, albeit, made one on one time with Nathaniel Plimpton Jr. much more efficient and he was all about efficiency, but it was still torture.

Because the other thing about the kiss was that it had happened one month ago. Normally, he would have moved on by now, forgotten all about that weirdo Bunch and could at least be enjoying all the other no-strings-attached ass he was getting. But something about her and her fucking Ravenclaw-but-really-Gryffindor way had snuck its way under his skin like that time his father told him he would never be the son his father deserved. Okay, different than that, because that particular memory didn’t give him an erection every time it came up, but you know, kind of the same thing.

Let’s lay out the total timeline here, for the idiots in the back.

The kiss had happened a month ago, and Rebecca had been left at the altar two weeks ago. As a semi-professional bridesmaids banger, Nathaniel didn’t exactly know the protocol on a proper mourning period for being left at the altar, but when a woman almost throws herself off a cliff when she realizes her groom isn’t showing, he thought maybe two weeks was a little short.

Although, he thought as he sat at his desk unable to focus on the case prep in front of him, the only reason the wedding was rushed in the first place was because of their night in the elevator. So, maybe two weeks was actually too long. Straight white male logic, gotta love it.

He grabbed his cell phone from the desk, shoving aside the case files and leaned forward in deep concentration.

“Hey Bunch,” he typed quickly, brow set in determination, “I can think of a few ways to get back at your ex for that shit he pulled….”

Backspacebackspacebackspace. Rapidly he erased the text and started over.

“You. Me. My private plane.” he started. “We can get back at water cooler and your dad in one fell swoop.”

Backspacebackspacebackspace. A low groan emitted from his throat as he deleted that text faster than the previous.

“U OK?” he typed, shaking his head even as he hit the question mark button. Backspacebackspacebackspace.

He looked up and caught his reflection in the mirror wall he’d had installed across from his desk so he could see his running form.

You are Nathaniel Plimpton. You are strong, you are sexy and you are a goddamned demi-god. Get it together. Her nipples are probably weird anyway.

Ok, thinking about her nipples was getting him nowhere…

“He was a douche. You deserve better.” he typed and sent it before he could stop himself.

Maybe that was the sort of thing you’re supposed to say to someone’s face, but sincerity in person had never really been his thing.

A minute later Rebecca was in his office, shutting the door behind her and looking at him with all that strange feminine fury that freaked him out but also kind of turned him on.

“What the hell is this, Nathaniel?”  she said, waving her phone spastically in front of him.

“What?” he asked defensively, raising an eyebrow at her and crossing his arms.

“Two weeks of actually really weirdly contrived silence from you and then this? I mean, yeah, it was cool of you to not let my asshole of an absent father use your private jet  —“ she paused, a new fire lighting behind her eyes. “Actually no, that wasn’t cool, it was pretty much basic human decency for people who have private jets to loan out. Yeah I’m pretty sure it’s in the rich guy handbook  that if someone is just the worst ever after you gave them a private-jet-related chance to redeem themselves that they no longer get private jet privileges. So I take back my semi-compliment - you did the bare minimum there, whoop de freakin do.”

Small pause, big breath. When she inhaled her whole bosom rose, which he 100% stared at and she, thank God, was 100% to preoccupied with her current stream of angry screaming to notice.

“So you did the bare minimum after I was left at the altar and nearly flung myself off a cliff and then you actively avoided me for two weeks, making things pointedly weird in the office because we work on literally all the same cases. Do you know how uncomfortable it is to address your boss in a meeting and have him whistle loudly to the tune of the A-Team theme song and look at everyone at the table besides you before finally just answering the question with a weird sweeping arm motion and addressing the whole table rather than acknowledging you asked the question to begin with?”

“I did that one ti—“ he started, but she cut him off - “No, no no, I am talking. If you have something to say why don’t you just text it you egotistical, pathological, there’s more -icals in the dictionary that describe you I’m sure but I am too furious to think about them right now.”

“Are you done?” Nathaniel answered cooly.

“Actually, yes.”

“Great. Now, if I may in my defense, that text was waaaaaaaay better than the first three I considered sending.”

Rebecca rolled her eyes. “Oh, solid defense.”

“Also, I don’t really know how to, you know, do this,” he added, shrugging and sitting back in his chair, spreading his arms wide. Manspreading, he was pretty sure Rebecca would call it. And whatever, it made him feel powerful. What was wrong with that? After all, he was powerful.

“Do what, exactly, Nathaniel?”

“You know, like, check in on your feelings,” he said, shuddering a little in disgust at the word “feelings.”

“Wow,” Rebecca said, her eyes widening as she raised her hands up, clearly mocking him, “Wow, I don’t even know what to say to that.”

“I mean,” Nathaniel said, standing up and walking to her side of the desk now. Nathaniel Plimpton did a lot of things well in life - well, most things, really - but being mocked was not one of those things. “I stand by what I said. He was a douche. You do deserve better.”

“And what, you think better is you?”

“Do you really want me to get started on the many, many ways in which I am far superior to the human flip flop who abandoned you on your wedding day?” he said, folding his arms across his chest and suppressing a laugh.

“Josh Chan is a good man, he just -“ this time it was Nathaniel who cut Rebecca off.

“Oh no, no no. Nope. You are not still defending this asshat after he left you at the altar to become a goddamned priest. Flip flop is not a good man. A good man hears the call of God before the day of the wedding and has the decency to let you know that before you’re wearing a veil and a white dress waiting for him to pledge his forever to you. Water cooler is a lot of things, but a good man he is not, that I promise you.”

“And you think you’re some knight in shining armor?”

“Now I never said that,” he said, his voice dripping with confidence, “Though I would look pretty fantastic in a suit of armor. Remind me to order one later.” He ignored the confused look she flashed him in that moment. Clearly she had no concept of the depth of his riches or his one-two punch combination superiority/inferiority complex.

Easily distracted by the idea of himself in a full suit of armor, Nathaniel snapped back to the conversation at hand. “I didn’t say I was a hero, except for that one time when I totally was. Hell, I didn’t even say I was a good man. But I sure as hell wouldn’t leave a woman at the altar.”

“You’d never get to the altar.”

“Ah, yes, but see therein lies the beauty of it. At least when I know what I don’t want, I’m honest about it. And when I know what I want, I’m honest about that too. Rebecca Bunch, I would still like to have sex with you. See? Honest. I have zero interest in marrying you or even being exclusive with you because monogamy is a social construct that is far too constraining for a man of my physical prowess and quite frankly I’m hoping you go back to weirding me out after a good bang session. But definitely we should get it on. Maybe more than once, if you’re good.”

“That’s offensive and inappropriate on so many levels,” she said.

“Sure, but it was honest and you kinda liked it.”

“You are so wrong, mister. So wrong,” she said and walked back toward the office door.

“Hey Bunch,” he said as she was leaving. She turned back but just barely.

“Don’t forget - you’re totally free now. To do whatever you want, with whomever you want.”

And if he wasn’t mistaken, the fire in her eyes shifted just a bit when she left and she was definitely suppressing a flirty smile. Game on, Plimpton.