#but also is that implying ougi fucking died there for a second???? that's so fucking funny????

[sinkableruby]

do you think any of the other characters from Monogatari would be able to beat Ougi in a bmx race, and which of them do you think would cheat in the most interesting manner while trying?

KALKDFALKFDA i love how you phrased it like it's already understood that people would have to cheat to do it

ok the objectively correct but also boring answer is tsukihi. but shes a shoo-in so i dont wanna talk about her. she doesnt count she's unbeatable! realistically, if ougi were to be doing a bmx race and be faced with her, they would simply Not Race lol

ok first i will talk about the people who wouldn't cheat. (spoilers up to nademonogatari under the cut meaning nademonogatari is included)

kanbaru would not cheat she would want to do it fair and square. she would train for the occasion but she doesnt know how to ride a bike (semi canonically? idk how canonical the audio commentaries are) so she’d probably struggle, and even though she’s athletic i can’t imagine she’d win or get close to it (rip). karen would have the best chances of winning legitimately. i’d imagine she probably knows how to ride a bike bc shes got easy access since koyomi is always riding them. and her level of fitness is absolutely insane, so she could pull it off. but ougi has lots of bicycle experience, and does like tricks and stuff for it. and they can do crazy stunts without worrying about damage to the user. so its a toss up here, but karen could win. hanekawa would not win. ougi would not allow it, their pride would not allow it. hanekawa would try to win, as part of her rivalry with them. but ougi would probably rather die than allow her to win especially when it concerns a hobby of theirs so they dont its as simple as that. i dont think hanekawa would be too much of a challenge, but she’s very powerful and unpredictable so ougi would take no chances. eliminate with extreme prejudice. now for the last of the non-cheaters, koyomi (surprisingly). dont get me wrong he would absolutely cheat against like at least half of the other cast if he felt like he couldn’t win easily or if he started losing. but he would be way too terrified to cheat against ougi. and there’s absolutely no way he wins against ougi without cheating, i mean come on. ougi can do cool little tricks and knows all his weaknesses. i think he would keep up decently at first but ultimately be completely destroyed near the end of the race.

ok now for the cheaters 😈 (spoilers: none of them could win)

nadeko would cheat here because she would know that she has no chance of winning whatsoever if she doesnt, and she doesnt really like ougi all that much so she doesnt feel too bad about it. now the WAY she decides to cheat varies. nadeko would much rather rely on her own abilities instead of asking yotsugi or tsukihi for help, so she might draw a shikigami of anti-nadeko (or a more cooperative version with the same strength) to throw/boost her instead, which you could argue is technically not cheating because its still her own power moving the bmx. senjougahara really cheats? no dignity! she would act like shes gonna do it fair and square and then totally shamelessly cheat bc she doesnt think she can win at all. i think she would race normally, and then once ougi got far ahead enough she would try to cut ahead by going off the tracks and taking a shortcut. i think i can picture a universe where sodachi cheats so heres what she’d do. and she’s probably the most creative one about it. i think, given her penchant for careful and precise planning, she would add obstacles to the course. its hard to do and it would take a while, but its also hard to check for if you do it right. she wouldnt even necessarily have to buy materials either, assuming the race doesnt happen somewhere built for the purpose of bicycle racing. she could just move stuff from the general terrain around the course to make it look like it was something that happened by accident, while having knowledge of where the traps were and how to get past them. think like moving around rocks and boulders, small logs and dirt piles and stuff like that. stuff that could put the bicycle off balance, or would require slowing down or rerouting, especially stuff that looks deceptively harmless. shinobu would cheat, but not intentionally, she just has no interest in the rules and doesnt intend to learn what they are. so the moment the race starts, in order to “get to the goal the fastest” she goes off track. yotsugi ABSOLUTELY cheats, but probably not in an interesting way. she just uses unlimited rulebook to boost her bike into the air. i think she potentially maybe could use it to just speed up, but i think she wouldnt have the patience for that at all and would rather just skip the whole race asap. mayoi is unable to ride the bmx. she just isn’t good at it. she’s small and its kinda big and unwieldy so its just hard to do. i think her cheat would be the kind of cheat that doesnt really have much practical chance of succeeding long term, like tying her bmx to ougi’s so she can get pulled along. i think she’d try to frame it as like a cooperative thing like let’s get to the finish line together type deal. but i cant see her having the heart to actually betray someone right at the finish line, so she would just lose. she probably wouldnt care that much anyway

but the reason why not just hachikuji but none of the cheaters would have a chance at winning is because while ougi could potentially be miffed at losing, there’s no way they’d let a cheater slip by. and they’d have a lot of fun catching the cheats and working around them. they would examine for possible cheats based on the opponent and prepare countermeasures far in advance-- all in all, cheating is bad against ougi because its like when you pirate a game and the final boss becomes impossible to beat on your copy. youre ramping up the difficulty to such an extreme level that its better to just do it legit. ougi’s ability and desire to win probably increases exponentially if their opponent is cheating, as well as their enjoyment of the race.

here’s how they would deploy the countermeasures:

ougi would definitely anticipate the shikigami move and have some countermeasures in mind. i imagine they might try to convince anti-nadeko she’s being used for a silly purpose (she is) and make her not want to help, OR the much more Fun way they would go to the drawing in the notebook right before nadeko brings it to life and erase the arms without nadeko noticing. so it has no arms and can’t help her. oops! senjougahara’s move... it’s just kinda silly. i think it’s too silly for ougi to prepare anything really crazy. if anything they prolly just pick to do the race at a time + place where the shortcuts aren’t actually helpful at all. like construction blocking the way, rocky terrain, that sort of thing. and then they’d just do the race and win normally sodachi’s planning is her own downfall as usual :( ougi is very cool and just uses the added obstacles as like ramps and shit. and uses the ramps to go over harder obstacles, or just fucking lifts the bmx up somehow like in otorimongatari. and sodachi just doesnt have that kinda technical prowess, or the ability to predict that someone would be able to do that (which is reasonable). rip as for shinobu, she’s instantly disqualified so ougi just goes off track with her for the hell of it (and wins anyway, of course) yotsugi’s impatience gets the best of her here-- she’d have had a lot easier time if she had just tried to speed herself up, but by attempting a leap she leaves herself wayy more open to counterattacks. i think ougi would choose the most slapstick way of going about this so i’d imagine that, understanding that unlimited rulebook involves a lot of explosive force, they would bring a slingshot to the race. and they’d wait till yotsugi tried to use the rulebook and then with one perfectly placed projectile, knock yotsugi’s foot to the side juuust so, so that the angle of the leap is altered, and she goes careening away at high speed. teehee shouldnt have cheated! of course yotsugi would be fine even after a crash bc shes a doll, so its okay to go for more dangerous counterattacks in ougi’s mind. for hachikuji, she wouldnt have the opportunity to not betray ougi bc she wouldnt get to the finish line tow truck/three legged race style in the first place. she would be like “lets get there together” and ougi would just pull out a pair of scissors and be like “nope ✂” even though they know she probably wouldnt even try to win. they are just devious like that

so yeah none of the cheaters would win. ougi would want more of them to cheat so they could win anyway and have fun with it. like ooh youre cheating now i can be evil. honestly same

[random-senpai]

GBF Husbando Spotlight: Rackam

IT’S HERE IT’S HERE!!!

It’s been ages since the last one, but with me sparking him and the balance patch arriving I’ve finally felt confident enough to write this. 

If you know me at all you knew this was coming, for my lust and love for thisman burns with the intensity of a thousand suns. Yes tis time for my #1 Husbando’s Spotlight, The Sexiest Meme Alive himself, Rackam!

Note: This was actually really hard to make into actual words instead of just inarticulate screaming.

The 2nd story character and first official member of the crew. He’s been with you since pretty much Day 1.

First story character to get his 5* uncap, giving him the rare wind atk- debuff and sweet new art with Tiamat.

His SSR is a great damage dealer, and with the patch one of the most reliable as long as he has a solid source of MA. Along with his passive to hit all enemies 70% of the time, now he can also build 2 stacks of Spitfire in 1 turn, giving him 40% atk boost each on a unique modifier. With Elysian he can ougi turn 4 with 3 stacks and 120% atk up. Plus Spitfire increases his ougi cap to around 3.2 mil and the chain burst to over 2 mil. Duration II is also incredibly handy against HL bosses with their OD phases being more dangerous. He shines alot in Rose Queen as he leads to a much faster break in 2nd phase and in Tiamat HL where he gives easy honors as he auto attacks all heads most of the time.

10/10 would spark again

It’s also heavily implied that Grand Series are getting their 5* uncap soon too, so his kit is going to get better. His SR gained a crit buff, mirror image, and wind atk- so there’s a good chance his SSR will too.

His personality is that of the Crew’s team dad (funny enough with the actual dads in the crew) and boy is it my weakness. He has a soft spot for children and younger members of the crew, and takes it upon himself to take care of them.

He’s an expert Helmsman and is actually quite famous for it. It’s even gotten to the point where other Helmsman ask him for his autograph. The sheer size of the Grancypher and how he managed to restore it single handedly is a testament to his skill and love for airships. And the chapter where he navigates the harsh winds of the Grim Basin is the ultimate testament to his skill.

In fact his SSR Fate episodes revolve around him helping a little girl who dreams of being a helmsman like him. When he discovers she’s in danger he goes off on his own to rescue her without endangering the rest of the crew. Of course in the end it’s too much than he can handle on his own and he gets shot. The crew comes by in time to rescue him and the girl and he realizes that everyone has grown enough for him to rely on them.

Fun fact he’s actually named after the famous pirate captain John Rackam (aka Calico Jack). The man most well known for his relationship with Anne Bonny and Mary Reed and his first mate designing the iconic Jolly Roger. 

He’s hot. Like....really hot. I fell in love with this man at first crash. That styled brunette hair.....the facial hair....the cigarette..his face. All of that gives me the ossan feel that I’m a plain sucker for. Plus his gun and even the sword he never uses just gets to me. A prime reliable Ossan design. 

HE HAS A BLUSHING IMAGE AND IT’S ADORABLE

Plus Hiroaki Hirata’s voice as him is just perfect! Older and experienced but not super old man status. I don’t know how to describe it exactly but it’s so damn attractive.

He’s 29 years old, putting him slightly above average in the crew’s rather young age range, but not as old as the clear elder members of the crew. While he has all the points of Ossan appeal (at least in my book) calling him one might be a bit of a stretch. It doesn’t stop him from feeling old though, as he talks about getting older a few times. 

He might not be the most muscular of the crew since he is one with bara gods like the Soiya Squad and Male Draphs. But he does have a nice muscular frame of his own. It’s most prominent in the meme comics and brief bits in the anime. In comics he strips time to time for certain gags revealing a nice body. In the anime he sports a black tank top for a while allowing you to see the musculature on his arms, and even takes off his armor for a bit, revealing that that the shirt he wears under it is skintight as you can make out the outlines of his pecs through the fabric. (I’m still angry he never stripped in the beach episode)

His charms have not gone unnoticed too. The man is straight up primal bait as Lyria’s Tiamat and Noa are really close to him. The little girl from his SSR fates even falls for him as she asks if he has a girlfriend in the end of the 2nd one. According to Lowain and Bros he has a decent sized following of fans as well. They described him as “the type of guy who would spoil you”. 

He’s also is pretty good with the Bass (after some practice). He plays in a band with Vryn and Aoidos. So he fills the hot dude on bass niche too.

In fact before Lowain and Bros decided on making Jin the Sexy Sensei of Albion High. He was considered for the role before they gave it to Jin, feeling that Rackam already had too many fans to be their Sensei figure.

He’s a Sexy Santa

His Christmas Fates were some of the cutest things I’ve ever seen. It literally revolves around stealing Christmas cake in the middle of the night.The second fate literally called “Friendly Feels” is a search for a Christmas tree for the crew. It ends with him holding a ladder for Vyrn, Lyria, and Gran/Djeeta to put the star on. After the star is put on and the tree is decorated he gives his thanks as he never thought he’d ever spend a Christmas like this before. The fate ends with Lyria telling him that all Christmases are going to be like this one from now on, as he smiles and while having his doubts about the certainty of her statement, enjoys the warmth of the holiday on the cold winter night.

He’s a perfect mixture of both my love for memes and hot older men. For he has not one, or two memes, BUT 3.

Legend of Rackam: Not touched upon recently but a damn good one. Rackam and his exploits are so legendary that kids years later learn of his heroic tales thanks to a wise old scholar. His frog suit meme had actual white day chocolates sent to it by fans.

DURRAY DURRAY DURATION!: Rackam’s amazing moves leave afterimages that confuse and somehow relax the enemy’s rage. A meme so powerful he taught it to others for protection and almost durrayed himself out of existence against a great foe. In fact this meme is so powerful that it’s leaked out of the Grand Blues verse into reality long ago and nobody even questions it. His Casino skin and Santa version both end battles with the Durray~ dance with sound effects and everything.

RACKAMUUUUUUUUUU!!! (also localized as plain RACKAAAAAAAM!!!): Rackam fucking explodes and dies. Well to be more specific the first Rackamuuu! didn’t even have an explosion as he died falling off the ship riding on a icicle and Katalina screamed it. However with later variation most of his deaths have been explosion related, resulting in the meme being tied to explosions now. Despite the fact that he explodes he actually ends up fine due to a scientific phenomenon known as Rackam’s Law, but details have yet to be divulged to the public from the former nobility of Iristill. 

Him and the MC/You share a very close bond due to all that they’ve gone through together. He basically entrusts the fate of the Grancypher to your judgement when he’s forced to fight you as an enemy by that little douche Gilbert.

He gets flustered around Djeeta and it’s noticeable in the voiced skins. Where he stumbles around for a bit after battle replying to her compared to his fater response to Gran.

Like most of the GBF cast come Valentines and White Day he catches feelings for the captain of the opposite gender, however unlike many he’s kind of unsettled and in denial of it due to the age gap.

It’s most detectable in the Valentines and White Day lines in year two. Year one it’s rather quick with him being flattered to get a chocolate and blushing with embarrassment when he gives the return gift on White Day.

However year two has him joke about waiting for Djeeta to give him chocolate and telling her not to think about all the serious stuff since it makes him nervous. Then he promises her to get something great for White Day.

Come White Day he calls her over to give her his present (no CG yet sadly sadly) and thanks her for always working so hard. Then he literally says “ Well, not just thanks. But I can't say any more than that, all right? You shouldn't pry into the mind of an adult, you know. “ Then says he’s gonna keep an eye on her to make sure she doesn’t drive other people crazy.

I probably forgot or missed something but this post is long enough.

This is most likely going to be my longest husbando spotlight solely because

I FUCKING LOVE THIS MAN