#but also every time im like ‘wait wont this make a paradox’ they do some crazy shit

[agnimybeloved]

there’s some technical awkwardness but storytelling-wise…. man does link click have a finger on the pulse of its premise

[kozykricket]

deltarune rambling time yippee

i think deltarune is in an interesting spot in terms of like... theres a lot of theories that have had a lot of time to develop, and like. i dont think these specific conditions have really happened to a game before. having a big audience of lore nuts AND giving them 2 chapters worth of solid concrete stuff and then havin em wait? its very, very interesting

(rereading this post i think i might reword or add an addendum to it later since i kinda didnt quiiite word my thoughts on Big Theories below exactly right. it feels like im saying that every theory is just gonna be wrong... when i just think that the nature of the lore has a decent chance to be able to almost... parody theorizing, if its based on the nature of fiction and creation. which would make deep theories not WRONG but not RIGHT, just unprovable)

like, ive skimmed through big theories that seem larger than i could even imagine deltarune itself being... not to say i believe theyre entirely wrong, but just that. it definitely wont be explained to THAT degree in game...

what im really tryna say though is, yknow, i distance myself from the bigger theories because im patient and also because i ... dont wanna spoil myself if the theories are perfectly right but especially, a big reason, is the typical classic "don't get your hopes or expectations up" dont get me wrong, ive got big hopes for deltarune and some healthy hype, but i aint gonna get my expectations all fixated on some gigantic theory of the entire overarching metanarrative. i think its great that people are developing so many theories though involving like, the depths and stuff. because worst comes to worst? well, toby fox has just convinced people to write their own stories. and for a game that seems to be shaping up to be about the nature of fiction and creation? seems fitting (genuinely i expect chapter 3 to be the birth of SO many deltarune AUs, out of what is proven wrong or left ambiguous) so yeah, i dont say this to be like "nah no ones gonna be right, toby doesnt have big plans" because im certain he does have some big master plan in the lore but i also believe the lore wont necessarily focus around what we're expecting, if that makes sense. if the game is about fiction, which it clearly is to some degree with the whole. ralsei pushing us down the path of a generic prophecy where we are heroes and vanquish evil... and then immediately dissecting Good Guys vs Bad Guys in ch1 and very much making it a point that we're trying to be kept ON the path of a very specific story. both us and kris.

i think i kinda worded some of this wrong but like TLDR? i do believe toby has big lore plans, but i think theres a decent chance they wont actually get super deep into like, worldbuilding all the logic of dark worlds for example. because... well, the lore could very well be that dark worlds arent logically explainable, yknow. something like the collective unconscious kinda logic. or like terapagos in pokemon being a kind of... paradoxical thing because its born based on belief in it

maybe im wrong thjough. either way, i am excited for deltarune. whatever direction it goes in, ill be happy.

[rowaning]

The Complete Fiction of HP Lovecraft rated by me, someone who read them all* but has a terrible memory

The Beast in The Cave: uh a guy goes on a cave tour and finds a creature that was like a human that got lost and adapted to its surroundings. 0/10 just because im pretty sure there was another one with this exact premise and neither of them were memorable at all.

The Alchemist: dude achieves immortality and lives in the narrators basement and has pledged to murder his entire lineage or something. 4/10 the alchemy stuff was actually kind of interesting

The Tomb: im pretty sure this is the one where a guy starts hanging out in a tomb and like travels back in time/becomes one of his ancestors? 5/10 if its the one im thinking of i did enjoy reading it

Dagon: guy lands on a mysterious island with signs of a long dead civilization. 1/10 i do not remember what happened in it

A Reminiscence of Dr. Samuel Johnson: 0/10 i have no memory of this

Polaris: also 0/10 i forgot all about it

Beyond the Wall of Sleep: could be any of the dream focused ones. if its the one about the dude sailing into the void or whatever than 4/10 not too bad

Memory: ironically, i dont remember it. 0/10

Old Bugs: 1/10 for the title god i wish i remembered this one

The Transition of Juan Romero: i got nothing. 0/10

The White Ship: this might also be the one about the dude sailing into the void? i liked that one he lived in a lighthouse and boarded a dream ship and just fucking left it was fun. 4/10

The Street: uh i think really steep street that didnt actually exist. 3/10

The Doom that Came to Sarnath: i wanna say another one of the dream centered ones where a town discovers some old relics and blatantly disrespects them and gets exactly whats coming to it. 5/10 they deserved what they got

The Statement of Randolph Carter: ok this dude shows up several times. i think this one is about how he returns to his childhood home then travels back in time and creates a time loop paradox thing. 1/10 meh

The Terrible Old Man: uh some thieves harrass a weird old guy and get got. 5/10

The Cats of Ulthar: someone is mean to a cat in a dream city, all of the rest of the cats get revenge and are revered for the rest of time. 2/10 (-3 because lovecraft has a specific name he gives to apparently every fictional and real cat he encounters and wow i wish he hadn't)

The Tree: i feel like this is something to do with a person becoming a tree but i cant actually remember. 0/10

Celephais: yeah no i got nothing 0/10

The Picture in the House: also nothing 0/10

The Temple: nope 0/10

Facts Concerning the Late Arthur Jermyn and his Family: is this the one where the dude's great grandfather married an ape? i dont think so but im not sure. 0/10, -5/10 if it is that one cause that one was especially shitty

From Beyond: nope 0/10

Nyarlathotep: charismatic dude shows up and is like get in bitches we're going to the void. i love nyarlathotep cause hes the one who directly interacts with humanity and like wears a human suit or whatever so hes just some dude whos like hey im gonna feed you to azathoth 5/0

The Quest of Iranon: got nothing 0/10

The Music of Erich Zann: narrator makes friends with an old musician whos being hunted by supernatural forces. 2/10 because i remember it but it was just ok

Ex Oblivione: 1/10 for the title but i have no clue what it was about

Sweet Ermengarde: lovecraft's sole attempt at comedy. not to my taste like at all 0/10

The Nameless city: nope 0/10

The Outsider: also nope 0/10

The Moon-Bog: sounds cool, dont remember it. 0/10

The Other Gods: dude tries to find the gods of humanity where they live on a big mountain, actually finds them, is immediately smited by the Other Gods who protect the gods of humanity. 3/10 he deserved it

Azathoth: dont recall, 0/10

Herbert West- Reanimator: Arkham man Herbert West and his assistant ressurect the dead with little thought to the consequences, then get murdered by a band of said resurrected dead. 5/10

Hypnos: nope 0/10

What the Moon Brings: also nope 0/10

The Hound: still nope 0/10

The Lurking Fear: again, nope 0/10

The Rats in the Walls: dude returns to his ancestral home, hears rats, excavates the basement and finds out that his ancestors ate human flesh, eats his friend. 1/10 it was an interesting read but can lovecraft please stop calling cats that.

The Unnameable: no clue 0/10

The Festival: nope 0/10

*Under the Pyramids: ok im pretty sure this is the one with houdini which is the only one i could not read. i went into this mentally prepared for lovecraft's bigotry but i was not mentally prepared for him dropping harry houdini, avid skeptic who absolutely would have beat the shit out of him for this, into the middle of his super racist paranormal horror. -1000/10

The Shunned House: nope 0/10

The Horror at Red Hook: also nope 0/10

He: cool title, no memory of the story. 0/10

In the Vault: wow im bad at this. 0/10

Cool Air: still no 0/10

The Call of Cthulhu: kind of all over the place, there was a thing about artists and then a thing about a cop investigating a cult. 3/10 meh but ill give it a bonus for being a staple of horror fiction.

Pickman's Model: uh artist sees some wild shit and draws it and then it eats him. 2/10 i forget the details

The Strange High House in the Mist: if this is the one im thinking of, dude does a dangerous climb to find a mysterious house and meet the inhabitant who is kind of interdimensional and also being hunted by interdimensional things. also maybe the house eats people? 2/10

The Silver Key: another Randolph Carter one, and i think this is actually the one about him travelling back in time so idk what the other one was. 3/10

The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath: randolph carter goes on a quest in the dream world to find the gods of humanity and ask why they wont let him check out this cool city he can see from his window. lots of action and very wordy and went a lot of different places. 4/10 good read but extremely xenophobic

The Case of Charles Dexter Ward: guy investigates his ancestor who looks disturbingly like him, ancestor comes back to life and kills him and takes his place and a bunch of other stuff happens. mostly a dramatized genealogical study. 3/10 not bad, very suspenseful

The Colour Out Of Space: meteor lands on a farm, scientists get weirded out by it, everything in the area gets weird then dead, alien thing gets enough power from draining nearby life-forms to escape earth. fun twist ending. 4/10 bonus for being one of the better ones, detraction for writing out a 'rural accent'

The Descendant: nope, 0/10

The Very Old Folk: nope again, 0/10

History of the Necronomicon: very dry. fake history of lovecraft's fake book thats super important to a lot of the stories. 0/10

The Dunwich Horror: isolated witchy family has a kid who no one likes that grows up real fast. graphic descriptions of renovation. a horror gets unleashed on the area and the local folklore scholars have to deal with it. 1/10 nothing good enough to counter the xenophobia

Ibid: i remember this one. no idea what it's deal was. pseudo-bibliography? it was weird. 0/10

The Whisperer in Darkness: guy has a correspondance with another guy about local folk legends based on evil crab things. other guy gets straight up replaced by an evil crab thing and first guy doesnt even notice. imagine if you followed up on a scam email and didnt realize anything was up until you saw that the face of the dude you were talking to in person was a mask. 4/10 for the comedy this guy would not last in the internet age at all

At The Mountains of Madness: guy whines about penguins and how awful it would be if there were civilizations that predated humanity. also commits grave desecration. i get hit by the realization that if lovecraft was less of a racist coward he wouldve made a great speculative sci fi author. 3/10 i would love to watch that old asshole get absolutely torn to shreds by the monster fucker community

The Shadow over Innsmouth: Fish People! Leave Them Alone! Or Else! 5/10 the protagonist gets to live the dream by escaping human society and becoming an immortal fish person

The Dreams in the Witch House: dude rents an objectively haunted room, doesnt listen to people trying to help him, gets murdered by a weird rat. later they find a shit ton of bones in the attic. 2/10 meh

Through The Gates of the Silver Key: Randolph Carter transcends time and space, then de-transcends time and space and immediately gets stuck on another planet in the distant past, makes a long and difficult journey back to earth to find that his estate is being divided amongst his heirs. the comedy potential of a man stuck in an alien body dealing with a legal system that has declared him dead is not examined. 2/10

The Thing on the Doorstep: narrator's good friend marries a fish person witch who steals his body. thats basically it. 3/10. at this point im like wow these narrators really refuse to believe the heavily foreshadowed supernatural explanations that turn out to be correct huh.

The Evil Clergyman: dude is in a room. some ghosts (?) show up. dude has a UV light for some reason. Gets his face stolen i guess and just has to live with it. 5/10 for being absolutely buck wild and refusing to explain anything

The Book: nope 0/10

The Shadow Out Of Time: dude gets his body stolen by ancient scholar species. agonizes about it for a while. finds archaeological evidence of said species. finds a book he wrote while living with said species. almost gets eaten by something. 3/10 more cool speculative sci fi but lame protagonist

The Haunter of the Dark: you'd think id remember it bc this was the last one and i read it last night. oh wait, nvm i do remember it. dude finds an old box in a run down culty church and unleashes a horror that then comes and fucks him up. 1/10 meh.

[birchwoodswolf]

Are you okay? I'm sorry the fandom's been rough on you- it kinda sucks, but there are some really cool people here! (You're one of them, obviously.)

Full response under the cut, because this is kinda long and personal.

Anyway, here are the tags in question that almost certainly incited this ask (originally from this post):

#listen;;; okay;;;;; im so fuckin tired #ive had to deal with this shit for five years with no fuckin Release #this is literally the only reason ive stayed in the fandom after all this time: the fact that i fuckin KNEW that something would happen here #and now im so close to being RIGHT #and sure the hagemans giveth and the hagemans taketh away but they’ve already taken so much

#all i know is that either way im probably gonna be leaving the fandom after ns8 and id prefer to go out on a good note #if they’re just going to be fuckin julienbaiting trash till the end then fine by me i wont fuckin bother watching this stupid shit anymore #and if they go through with it? congrats; and now he’s dead permanently (probably) #and considering that the hope of his existence has been the only force keeping me from escaping this hell fandom #i for one cannot wait to be freed from my chains

And yes, I mean every word of that - but it’s not for the reason you’re alluding to. Honestly, I’ve had no huge issues with the fandom that would force me to leave (disregarding all the Disgusting Shippers) - there are some good people, and I’ve made a lot of friends here. It’s just that I’ve been growing increasingly frustrated with the show over the past several years. The only thing that’s kept me from leaving has been a feeling - almost a premonition - that Julien was going to get a better send-off than what he got in S3. After all, it ain’t over til the fat lady sings, and at that point, the fat lady didn’t even exist.

Am I so petty as to completely disregard the show because I’m mad about how my favorite character was treated? No, but I’m still really disappointed in it. He and Zane had (and by comparison to all seasons since, still have) the best platonic relationship in the entire show, possibly only tied with Cyrus and Pixal (and Cyrus hasn’t seen Pixal since the end of S3 - what’s with Ninjago and either dividing, ruining, or otherwise negatively interfering with parent/child relationships?). The love they had for each other was pure, simple, and unconditional - and in a way, they completed each other.

But the biggest issue I have with Ninjago, the most significant reason why the newer seasons piss me off so much, is the inverse relationship between the quality of the story and the quality of the visuals. Because, for whatever reason, the show can’t have both.

Sure, the pilot, S1, and S2 look decent - but they’re nothing compared to the later seasons. For an example, compare the water physics between the opening scene of Tick Tock and Morro’s death scene in E54:

It’s practically night and day - and this is only one aspect where things have improved significantly. Take the Spinjitzu; in the early seasons, it’s just a normal, flat tornado, but when Kai uses it in E55 (as one example), you can even see sparks flying off of it. Or how complex some of the areas have gotten, how much detail is present now compared to back in the early days.

Or the lighting. Or the effects. Or the creature designs. 

The show has become more and more beautiful, but in the process, the story and characters have been completely decimated. The plots have also gotten much lazier - there could’ve been any number of ways to resolve S6 without resorting to retconning all of it, but nope! They lazily retcon it and create a huge paradox (as Sensei Yang’s temple was left floating in the sky, even though it was only pulled up there in E60 - which was obviously retconned, as only twelve minutes of S6 are effectively “canon” to the current timeline).

Then there’s the love triangle for lazy drama, and all the time they had to waste afterwards attempting to “fix” Jaya (which, to be completely honest, hasn’t worked at all). Most of the other relationships the show has teased haven’t worked out well, either, because there’s always something Really Bad about them (whether it’s the obvious emotional dependencies exhibited by Jay and Zane in their relationships, or all of the incest jokes with Kai and Skylor in S4, or whatever the fuck is wrong with Wu and Misako, which I honestly can’t put a name on).

And don’t even get me started on the characterization! Literally everyone has been reduced down to one or two traits - “robot”, or “annoying”, or “impulsive”, or “foodie”. Sure, these traits were always present back in the early seasons, but they weren’t nearly as exaggerated then as they were now. Jay’s and Zane’s characterizations have especially pissed me off - Jay’s extremely annoying practically 24/7 (especially in S6, jesus fuck), and after he went Titanium, Zane’s become a smarter-than-you asshole who’s always trying to fix shit by himself. (I could honestly go on about him all day, but I won’t.)

Out of the last several seasons, the only one that I can definitively say I liked was S5. The plot was interesting, and I could form an emotional connection with it; the characterization was still decent (or at least not anywhere near as bad as in S6); a ton of cool concepts were introduced, such as the Cloud Kingdom, the Realm Crystal, and Nya being the Water Ninja, among other things; and I liked all of the new characters.

I also liked Day of the Departed, and S7 was decent, but S3, S4, and S6 were honestly terrible. S3 and S6 don’t need any explanation (as the only redeeming qualities are some of the new characters, as well as the last 10 minutes of E34 and TLR); but S4 was mostly just because I was having major issues with the fandom at the point, decided to take a break from it, and never got back around to watching it (as I only came back to the fandom as soon as the S5 hype train got rolling).

And speaking of fandom issues, boy do I have some. I hate how a lot of people in the fandom are extremely homophobic and/or transphobic. I hate how a significant chunk of the fandom ships Lloyd with the other Ninja, even though they’re all adults and 5-6 years older than Lloyd. I hate how a lot of those same people ship Nya with a man at least twice her age.

I hate how Morro is included in photosets of “all of the main ninja!!!!!” more often than Nya. I hate how some people in the fandom romanticize the way Morro abused Lloyd in S5. I hate how the entire fandom has a double standard when it comes to people who have done bad things: how if they’re young and conventionally attractive, they’re a ~smol pure bby~, and if they’re not, they’re the evilest scum to ever live.

I hate how nobody cares about the side characters. I hate how nobody acknowledges good friendships, only ships. And I hate how nobody thinks for themselves, thinks for even five seconds, before following along with whatever is popular.

The only reason I’ve stuck around this long - which will be five years in November - is because I’ve had just a bit of hope. A small, feeble hope - one that I could finally get a good ending, that I could finally be satisfied with the show. That I could finally watch the show because I want to watch it, not because I feel like I need to.

And that moment is finally so, so close - I can feel it in my bones. I’ve wanted to be able to escape for years, but I’ve never been able to; I’ve always been dragged back in. And now that freedom so close, that it’s almost here, I’m more afraid than ever that it’s all going to come crashing down.

And on top of that, I don’t really feel all that appreciated here. My meta posts get some attention, but only if they’re short. My music boxes get some attention, but Tumblr doesn’t let them show up in the tag, and thus they get far fewer notes than they really could/would. My fics get few reblogs and even fewer comments, because the “you should always reblog art and give good feedback to support the artist!!!!!!!” doesn’t apply for fanfic writers. And don’t even get me started on my theories, especially my Samurai X theory as of late; I put a lot of effort into those - to make sure that they’re hole-free, to make sure that they make sense, to make sure that they could possibly happen - and all I get is one or two comments from people who really appreciate the work I’ve put into it, and criticism from people who already have their minds set on whatever arbitrary explanation.

For all of these reasons, I really want to drop out of the fandom, or at least hibernate for a while. Most of the people from earlier in the fandom’s history - including lots of my friends - have moved on to other things at this point, mostly because they didn’t find it worthwhile to stick around. They’ve all been able to leave, but I’m still stuck here.

Which is why I’ve honestly resolved to drop out of the fandom after NS8. By that point, I’ll have gotten one of two things - either a good send-off for my favorite character, one that I’ve been waiting for for five years; or a final confirmation that this show no longer has anything to offer me. It doesn’t mean that I won’t like the show anymore, or that I’ll stop watching it - it’s just that there won’t be any reason for me to be active in the fandom, and thus I won’t do so as often.

So yeah.

[jimdsmith34]

What Your Wedding Dress Style Says About How Much Of A Bridezilla You Are

Mazel Tov! Youre getting married. Or you’re balls deep in a breakup and fantasizing hard about a day when a man comes into your life who doesn’t turn out to be a total fuckboy as soon as you hook up. Either way, you’re obsessed with weddings right now. Despite being a completely outdated societal norm that reinforces the idea that women are nada unless they have a man who loves them, its something we all dream about our entire lives. Hey, no one ever accused me of being a romantic, but even Im all fired up about putting on a big cotton ball of a dress just to have some poor dude proclaim that hes officially whipped in the name of the Lord and the government. I blame tbh. Like, fuck you Randy for making me all basic and shit. How dare you? I’m supposed to be a card carrying feminist out here in my pussy hat and yet the minute somebody mentions floral arrangements, I’m suddenly full of opinions. It’s the eternal paradox. Anyway, to help you judge the shit out of almost-married besties this wedding season or make sure you dont commit bridal fashion suicide if youre youre the one saying I do, heres what your wedding dress style says about you.

Ball Gown

If you dream of having a dress so big you can hardly walk down the aisle, you def want a ball gown, meaning youre a basic AF bride. You probably say shit about wanting to feel like a princess on your big day and all your bridesmaids def commence talking shit about you as soon as you leave the room. Just trust me. They are. Youre the type thats dreamed/talked/pinned about this day for-fucking-ever and youre super optimistic about getting married, even though deep down you know a lack of interesting sex with a man who is developing a beer belly is in your future. Youll start a mommy blog once you have kids and make everything look like its perfect, but youll have a secret stash of vodka and maybe a little weed in your nightstand for the one day a year when you’re actually allowed to enjoy life. 

Mermaid/Trumpet/Fit And Flare

First things first, whats the fucking difference? And even if there is a slight difference, is three different names for something thats virtually the same really necessary? Im gonna say no. But I digress. If this is the kind of dress you go for, youre confident and hot but you understand that your 90-year-old Meemaw doesnt want to see you looking like a hoe on your wedding day. Ever since you got engaged, you havent eaten carbs (except for that one drunken pizza binge at your bachelorette) and youve been hitting up SoulCycle every morning. Youre super successful at work thanks in large part to your type A personality. Because of this, youre obsessing over every detail of your wedding and have had at least four nervous breakdowns planning this shit. Youre excited for it to be over with so you can finally relax, but lets be honest, youll find something else to obsess over in a matter of days. Probably like, a baby or some shit. 

Something See-Through

If this style is for you, youre the trashy bride. I mean, at least youre bold, right? Youre marrying someone whos rich AF because theres no way youd settle for one dick the rest of your life if there wasnt some benefit in it for you. You were the lush of your sorority in college and while you were excited to get married at first, the whole till death do us part thing has you wigging the fuck out the closer you get to your wedding. In a few years, youll get a role on because you need to do something for you and after two seasons you and your husband will call it quits. Youll say its because the pressure of living your life on reality TV magnified your problems, but its really because you were bored out of your fucking mind. In a year or so, you’ll try releasing a pop single and it’ll be embarrassing for literally everyone.

Tea Length

Hold on. I need to wait for this massive eye roll to end before I can put together my thoughts. Okay cool. Im finished. A tea-length wedding dress is reserved specifically for hipster brides and people who are roughly a thousand times less cute than they think they are. At your wedding, everything will be DIY because you couldnt find anything that truly embodied your essence and you will literally tell everyone in earshot about it. For favors, you and your fianc brewed your own beer thats fucking disgusting if I had to guess and made custom labels that say Let Love Brew. Vomit. IRL, you pride yourself on not having the type of job the status quoor as you like to call it, “The Man”expects you to have. So like, you harvest bees and sell honey on the side of the road or some shit. Idk. Long story short: Youre the worst. Welcome to your tape.

Multiple Dresses

Isnt one $10,000 dress for one evening of your life enough? If your answer to this question is no, youre extra af. You care way too much about what everyone thinks and youre going to be so tied up in everyones opinion of you and your wedding, youre going to be fucking miserable the day of. In general, you try way harder than you need to at pretty much everything you do. Out of your 12 bridesmaids, only 4 or 5 would consider you a close enough friend to have them in their wedding, and all of them are pissed about how much money they had to spend making your destination bachelorette happen. Ouch. In a few years, youll pop out a kid or two and quit your job to be a full-time mom so you can take up tennis at your local country club and become the president of PTA.

Your Moms Dress

If you insist on wearing your moms old haggard wedding dress from the 80s, youre a typical nicegirl. Everything you do in life revolves around whats best for others rather than looking out for #1 and because of this youve been walked on by everyone you know. Tragic. You think wearing your moms dress will be a sweet gesture and will make her v happy, but did you even think about yourself? I mean, its your fucking day and youre gonna wear some tacky shit from the 80s? Id feel bad for you except youre also the type that would only have beer and wine at your reception, fuck maybe even no alcohol at all, and I dont feel bad for people who pull that kind of shit on their friends.

A-Line

Brides who choose A-line dresses are sophisticated, classic betches, not just on their wedding day but in general. Unlike most brides, youve been chill throughout the entire wedding process and not a total nightmare so youll still have friends other than your spouse once this whole thing is over. Youre like really really pretty and dont need a super tight dress to be the hottest girl in the room. Youre the type that wont change after you get married. Youll still hang out with all your friends and not be lame AF and for sure wont keep your wedding portraits as your prof pic for too long. When you have a kid, you’ll name it something normal and have the appropriate amount of involvement in its day to day life. Congratulations. You win. 

source http://allofbeer.com/what-your-wedding-dress-style-says-about-how-much-of-a-bridezilla-you-are/ from All of Beer http://allofbeer.blogspot.com/2018/01/what-your-wedding-dress-style-says.html

[vitalmindandbody]

The Struggles Of Dating When You’re Clearly Not Over Your Ex

In April 2012, I met a boy in the middle of a rainy day, on a reces of a busy street. Little did I know the moment he tapped me on the shoulder to say hello “wouldve been” the moment that would change such courses of the rest of my life.

In January 2013, the boy and I made the decision to see one another, and exclusively each another. The bond that has been initiated as a steadily-built affection changed into a quick-blossoming tale. He became person I pleased Id assembled sooner, and one I knew Id hold in my mettle for that momentary instant in time and forevermore.

He was my first love. But I also missed him to be my last.

In December 2014, after a hectic, euphoric-when-it-was-good-but-miserable-when-it-was-bad, on-again-off-again intrigue, I pointed it with the boy — not because I no longer enjoyed him, but because I was afraid of just how much I did.

One year later, the son hop-skip a plane to California and didnt look back. We were no longer together, but that didnt move his leaving any less painful.

Now, three and a half times after we firstly assembled, he is still the first had considered that intersects my psyche when I wake and the last anticipated I take with me to berthed. He got away from me, but he never really got away from me.

Everyone has that someone who got away — the guy or girl who will always be the one. Maybe he came into your life sporadically, or perhaps he was there all along, but “youve never” forget him. He becomes it was not possible to to be forgotten.

After this love with the one expires, you are hesitant to begin a brand-new one. You complain about has no such luck in love, but you dont do anything to change that. You wont used to go because youre is still in your own pate, and when you do go out, you confront potential buffs with a caged heart.

Your life is a series of one waiting game after the other: to the next verse, request or by-chance reunion with the one who got away.

Mistakenly, you believe your ex is your worst antagonist. But he isnt at all; you are your own worst enemy. You are the one containing yourself back from developing a bail with a stranger who might one day turn into someone you are fairly fond of.

And this is the unfortunate ex paradox: the idea that “were living” “peoples lives” propping out for someone imperfectly perfect for us.

But our exes are announced our exes for a intellect. Its because circumstances didn’t work out with them, and we’ve got to learn to move on from them.

Some of us, however, cannot. Some of us suffocate our cherish lives by clinging to the fantasy that the largest patrols of the universe will push us back toward one another because we were once became for one another.

Even though the boy I cherish is pas, I cant improve but hold on to the hope that one day — whether in the near future or someday far, far gone — we will end up together.

But there is danger in waiting for their own lives with your ex, a life that they are able to never come.

You look for old shortcomings in new people.

My ex had shortcomings. On their own, they were of no consequence. But as a whole, they represented something far more than precisely shortcomings in character; they were weakness I descended back on. His imperfectionwas an armchair Ive since learned to rest comfortably on.

These shortcomings are what stirred my ex, my ex — and they’re the mistakes I crave my future buffs to have, too.

I’ve persuasion myself that if I search for my ex’s flaws again in new people, I can kind of recreate him. Ive taken the bad habits Ive seen in the love I formerly knew and enforced them tirelessly onto enjoys has still not been cultivated.

But everyone pallids in comparison to my ex.

Sadly, retrospect is always clearer than actuality. To rely on an outdated image of the man we used to love is to lead with a nave leader and a faint heart.

You dwell on your ex to confuse yourself from a much more profound problem.

There are fewer realizations in life most difficult than coming to terms with the fact that youre focusing on lost adoration as a means of distraction.

My ex is a Band-Aid for something I detect I am missing within myself: his old someone. His youthful vigor. His astronomical, matchless, unquenchable appetite for life. These were all qualities I jealousy, excellences I cherished so much better that I wanted to plagiarize them from him and keep them for myself.

You cant give your all to someone else.

Giving my all doesnt simply aim articulating I will. It necessitates showing I will.

I cant move on by simply telling myself I will. I can reiterate the words all I want, but that wont attain them genuine. Ive got to both taking any decision and make it time.

Until then, though, Im moving red-flag vitality to everyone I gratify, everyone I like, everyone I year — and I can hardly even distinguish Im doing it.

As much as I care my very own willpower “couldve been” strong enough to mend me, season is no other real rectify. I cannot open other beings an honest chance to enter “peoples lives” until I leave myself an honest chance to move forward from the one who’s maintaining me back.

A moment invested wishing your ex will come back to you is a moment you’ll never get back.

I have a picture of what my life is going to be. My ex and I are together. My heart has hurriedly healed; Ive forgiven him for interrupting it. Our future is a reincarnation of the very best specific areas of our past. I live my present biding period until I bump into him again.

But I forget one little possible: Perhaps I am projecting a future that is grounded in foolish imaginations. Maybe the one who got away from me doesn’t speculate I’m the one who got away from him.

And perhaps every moment spent bidding my ex got to find his space back to me is nothing more than a wasted time I’ll never get back.

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[benjammintaylor]

Routined Sky Paradoxes

I'm honestly enjoying writing to myself. This is weird but-- wait, not even gonna say that because It's myself I'm talking to. Not my friends. Not my parents. I always find myself saying shit like "this is fixing to sound weird but" or "nvm" or "idk like...". Why do I do that. I think its because I'm afraid of being judged. It is. When I write to myself. I don't see it as myself. I feel like Im writing to another person. An imaginary person. Or anyone interested. But Im writing to someone who wont say anything. Just listen. And if they want to talk they can but not judgement. Anyway. I catch myself in routine. I get sad. I get emotional. Everything I feel is felt in some transient mindset and it sucks. The time is short too! I just go with the flow. I watch myself pour into my loved ones and through my safety nets like a waterfall in deep abyss. I watch myself slowly aging. No one gets it when I say I don't age. I high key like kinda don't. I mean obviously fucking yes, Im getting older. Im dying. But its so subtle. Weird. Fuck idek what I'm talking about because I have no clue what I'm looking at in the mirror. I feel like I took over someone else when they were young and grew up in their body. I feel everything through his eyes. His finger tips. But where is mine. Honestly. I feel trapped. I wanna run. Fuck If my theory is true, I feel so sorry for the guy. Then again he could've been an asshole and some omniscient force knew that so I took over. Lol. High key wish he didn't. I don't think i'm supposed to be here. I feel way too alive. Like. I never have time to explain this paradox EVER. So why not. I feel everything. I see everything. I can feel multiple things. Sometimes I feel like a genius because of the shit I process. But In reality it is probably me embracing my humanity. The sky for example. I love looking at it because it's the only thing in this world I find inconsistent and out of my routine. Clouds are my best friends. Overcast is too because everything is so much clearer visually and emotionally. Idk why. My mother said it has something to do with with the ions in the air from the rain. I HATE BLUE SKIES. Fuck blue skies. It reminds me of routine. Nothingness. Aside from that. The sky and the formation of the clouds will NEVER BE THE SAME EVER. You are experiencing a formation that you will never see again. I honestly find that crazy. I mean. Just. It's amazing. It's also comforting to know that my loved ones or the people I miss are looking up at the same sky around the world. Not the same formation but the same sky. That's weird something that is permanently consistent in existing is yet so inconsistent with how it exist such as storms and lightning never happening in the same manner it once did. That's a mouthful. But its kind of like wearing a new pair of clothes everyday. Same person existing but changing every day and never being the same the day before. That marvels me. I love that. What am I always doing. Looking at the sky. If not. Its at my phone or at someone. But usually the sky. It makes me happy. It's like looking up to a face that wont bat an eyelash or smirk in disappointment. I can think clearly all while appreciating its beauty. When I remember my dreams or even experiences. I literally never remember them in first person. I'm always spectating but feeling everything as if i were in a first point of view. Crazy right. Im just imaging the car rides with my friends with me in the front seat but my eyes looking next to my face or through the windshield.