#but all in all if ST burst open the floodgates for me towards getting better

[a-s-levynn]

Fighting to forgive yourself for being you

[bowieandqueen11]

Not True / Ben Hanscom Imagine

Request: hi lovely! could you maybe do a 2019!ben x reader where they are married and him and the reader get split up at some point and then pennywise makes him see her dead and they all cry and ben doesn’t know what to do so he just yells and screams but it’s a trick and she turns up alive? ending with fluff and soft,needy!ben? thank you!! 

Yess! Thank you for the Ben love! I hope you don’t mind that I changed it so it’s just Ben and Y/N! <3

All comments are much appreciated!

Ben Hanscom wished he was back in Henry Bowers’ arms rather than this place.

The halls are dressed in black and white tile squares like a chess board, and Ben was trapped in an impending checkmate. The whole facade of the red bricked building, with its looming walls and cascading roofs sent a shiver down his spine, reminding him of something out of a long lost nightmare.

‘I do not want to be here’, he thinks, as he wraps his arms around his body and shakes his head slightly in despair. ‘I want my wife, but there’s no going back now, is there Haystack, hm?’

This is it, this is where his actions have lead him. He slowly opens the door, which lets out a tired old groan as the hinges protest. He just hopes you’re doing better at finding your token than he is. He hopes that letter from you is still in his locker.

He hopes, more than everything, that you’re safe.

Staring at the ground, he walked through the hall. Nobody seemed to care that he was unfamiliar. Nobody seemed to care that he was unusual. Nobody seemed to even notice him. He had to take a glance down to make sure he was still there; that he hadn't turned invisible. Laughter sounds along the halls, joined with excited conversations and shouts, the ghosts of the students he once knew ringing empty in his ears. He pretends, as he passes groups of high schoolers sitting around his empty social classroom laughing and causing all kinds of ruckus, that he doesn’t see a legless Betty Ripsom sitting on the desk in their midst. A breath of air brushes his ear; he follows the breeze and sees a blue striped paper plane gracefully gliding through the air before sliding across the tiled hall to stop with its nose against the wall.

Paper planes expertly made? But that could only be-

‘Hey Ben, why are you still here? School’s over for you?’

Ben swivels around, staring a good inches shorter than he was before as he realises his blue shirt has instead been swapped for a blue hoodie.

This isn’t possible.

He looks down at his slightly stodgier hands, reaching up to feel his face as he catches his reflection in his nearby locker, the graffiti blaring red as the silver metal shows the thirteen year old boy looking back at him.

‘Hey, Ben, can you hear me? You shouldn’t be here. You really shouldn’t be here.’

Realising he’d been ignoring the voice, his heart begins to hurt a little in his chest as the ghost of the young boy looks back at him, his doe eyes warm and welcoming as they quickly make contact with Ben’s surprised ones, a small smile lighting his face as he begins to play with his backpack straps.

Stanley Uris.

‘St-Stan?’

‘It’s not your time yet, Ben.’

However, the room seems to warp slightly, Ben’s head growing light as Stanley disappears, and instead a singular red balloon floats along by an invisible wind past his head, entangling its thin white string on his arm, small droplets of blood falling from the string swirls onto his skin. He stumbles back, bumping into the nearest bookcase as his eyes widen, pain flashing before them and what feels like thick scratches throbbing threefold on his stomach as the balloon pops, and your dead body lies on the floor behind it, thick, viscous blood pouring out in puddles that seem to reach their wavering hands towards him.

‘But it is Y/N’s’, he hears a grotesque voice whisper in his ears.

The world turned into a blur, and so did all the sounds. The taste. The smell. Everything was just gone. He paused, trying to hold back the strange feelings rumbling inside him but he couldn’t. A lone tear traced down his cheek, and just like that, the floodgates opened. So many tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down his face. His chin trembled as if he was a small child. He breathed heavier than he ever had before. He was gasping for air that simply wasn’t there, his throat burned forming a silent scream.

‘Th-that’s not true! That’s not true! S-she’s alive, and we’re in love and we’re going to make it!’

He doesn’t even realise he’s moving until he feels his back hit against the locker doors, a soft hand belonging to a curly haired boy letting go of his back and dragging him away from the clown shoes that cover your dead feet, and that’s when he starts screaming, your blood trickling down and seeping into his shoes.

‘Ben. Ben! Jesus, Ben, what the heck is going on?!’

You fiddle with the fire exit before finally plunging your way into the dim school, spotting the tall frame of your husband trembling against the wall. You run over, trying to pry his hands away from his face but he only yells louder, waving his arms out and neatly thwacking you in the shoulder.

‘Ow, Ben!’

When he finally opens his eyes, seeing you standing in front of him with a grimace on your face and a hand gently rubbing against your arm, he reaches out quickly and tugs you into his chest as he laughs breathlessly, almost erratically. He pulls the two of you down slowly, sliding down the locker until his bottom hits the floor with a thump as he wraps his arm around your waist and snuggles his head further into your neck with a small sob, his chin bumping slightly against your cheek. With half-lidded eyes, his fingers delicately trace the slight curve of your jaw, a smile gracing his face as he looks down at your  figure, his fingers circling against your shivering skin with a precision he had spent years becoming an expert at. Peppering kisses against the tip of your ear, he pulls you in so tight you feel you may burst as his hand runs figure eights up and down your back, finding solace in your heartbeat.

‘I knew finding these tokens was a stupid idea.’

‘Shoot!’ He glances up at you with a blush burning on his cheeks. ‘I still haven’t got mine.’

‘What is it?’

‘The love letter you wrote to me just before graduation...’

You giggle slightly as you lean down to press a soft kiss against his eager mouth, before murmuring against the corner of his mouth, ‘yeah? Well, mine was the New Kids CD you gave me at out third meeting. It was your favourite, but you still gave it to me.’

And in that moment, as you tuck your head under his chin, Ben Hanscom knew he was no longer in danger of checkmate.

‘Thank you, Stanley.’

[fanficsandfluff]

Dear Evan Hansen: A Starry Night With You

For @fluffyfics who requested this a while back. I hope you read this and enjoy it when you come back, sweetie. 

Words: 1,654

They’d been sneaking out--- well, no. Not really. Connor kept telling Evan to refer to what they did as sneaking out since it sounded more badass. Badass as compared to having permission to go out at night. 

Connor took his parents’ car, picked up Evan, and they drove off together through the neighborhood shrouded by darkness. It was usually a quiet meeting. A simple hi and a shared smile, and they were off. Evan looked out the passenger window, eyes flying back and forth to catch every house and tree and fire hydrant along the way. He sat with his legs close together and his hands on his knees. God, they were getting sweaty, too. Why did that always happen? 

Connor pulled over when they arrived, and they got out of the car together. 

“I-It’s a clear night,” Evan pointed out as his first bit of conversation. His friend nodded and led the way down the familiar park path. Evan followed behind him, climbing up the hill until they rested beneath a giant oak that the public park initially grew around years ago. The tree was original, authentic. Evan loved it. 

Connor was the first, after stretching his hands above his head dramatically, to plop down on the grass. Evan sat gentler. 

The differences between the two bodies was apparent in every way. But their souls were practically one in the same. Evan felt it. He’d felt like that for a long time. But he never plucked up the courage to confront Connor about it. To ask him if he felt the same. But it was small dates like these that Evan treasured. 

A cloud passed overhead, and both teens were gazing up into the sky. Evan was trying to figure out what that cloud resembled when there was a minute grunt and a shifting beside him. Connor moved just a tad closer to Evan, the gap between them getting smaller. Evan blushed. 

“Ah,” Connor threw a hand in the air, finger pointing, “I saw the first one.”

Evan looked where the long haired teen was pointing and viewed the first visible star of the night. 

“Yeah, you did,” Evan smiled his usual nervous smile. 

A stretch of silence, eyes searching the heavens. 

“There!”

“Over there!”

Evan and Connor thrust their arms into the sky at the same time, hands colliding when they each spotted the same star simultaneously. 

Connor tilted his head to Evan and he grinned, “Heh, that can be our star.” 

“Just ours,” Evan blushed and smiled back. 

Connor kept his eyes on Evan for just a bit longer before returning his gaze to the sky. A few more stars popped up in the interim amount of time. 

Evan scratched at his arm as he got more cozy on the soft grass. He felt another, colder hand press against his forearm. 

“You think we’re gonna catch any constellations tonight?” Connor asked, not removing his hand from Evan just yet. 

Evan looked from him to the stars and he shrugged, “Dunno. If anything, we could make up our own.”

Connor smiled a little wider, now having one painted fingernail gently scratch up and down Evan’s arm where he was holding him. Evan blushed as a shiver was sent up his spine. 

“Uhh, like,” Evan cleared his throat, “That one could be a lightning bolt,” he drew the pattern up in the air as he gestured to a collection of burning gas balls. 

Connor tilted his head as he tried to see it, “More like a worm to me. Less severe in the squiggle section.”

Evan giggled briefly, “Mahaybe, uh huh.”

Connor saw a party hat among the stars, and Evan gasped when he could see it clearly. The name game went on for a while, keeping the two of them talking and occupied. Another lull arrived as a large cloud swooped over them, covering the stars from view. 

Connor picked up a fallen leaf from the ground and twirled it between his paint-chipped fingernails. It was obvious he wanted to say something. If only Evan was looking at him. 

“Dear Evan Hansen,” Connor began, not breaking his gaze from the spinning, floppy leaf. 

Evan turned his attention all to Connor Murphy, a scared blush adhering to his cheeks. 

“You’ve had a lot of good nights with Connor,” Connor resumed speaking from Evan’s perspective, “Well, Connor hoped they were good for you. You’re not as shy anymore. You make Connor feel so...” Connor sighed and now his own nose and cheeks lit up, “... loved.” 

Evan felt like he was having heart palpitations, and he scratched his stomach, his nervous tick growing out of control. When he and Connor locked eyes at last, it was like floodgates were opened. 

Connor leaned in towards Evan and he rested his head on the smaller teen’s chest. Evan’s breath hitched and he did not move a muscle. He had to say something. What the hell could he say!?

“D-De-Dear... Connor Murphy,” Evan bit his lip, “You’re everything Evan could ever dream of and more. He-He loves you.” 

Connor leaned his head back to peek at Evan. He shut his eyes and pushed himself up, arm now resting on the ground around Evan, and he kissed the other teen. Evan’s eyes widened in abject fear for the first few seconds before he melted. He didn’t move any part of his body except for his lips. 

Connor broke the kiss and he watched Evan for his reaction, apprehension apparent on his face. He smiled first, which then allowed Evan to smile back. 

Evan chuckled and sounded out of breath. His eyes softened and he looked down. Connor kept staring at Evan. What a perfect fucking beauty. 

“You should’ve told me a long time ago, Ev,” Connor mentioned, sitting back down beside Evan. 

“I-I was... scared. I didn’t think you’d like me back. I thought you’d think I was creepy and hate me and never talk to me again.”

“You overthink things,” Connor smiled pleasantly. 

“Could we...” Evan swallowed, his throat dry, “Could we cuddle the rest of the night? No one’s here, I-I mean, only if you want to.”

Connor smiled broadly and he was immediately snuggled into Evan’s plushier side, his arms wrapped around Evan’s waist. Evan chuckled anxiously, and then with relief. The two, now entwined, blinked and the stars were the brightest they’d been all year. Connor picked up another leaf, this one stiffer and pointier, but filled with beautiful dark patterned veins. He traced the leaf along Evan’s inner arm, and the teen bubbled up with giggles, the arm twitching. 

Connor smiled and he nuzzled his nose into Evan’s ribs, keeping one eye on the leaf as he made it continue its tickly path up and down Evan’s elbow crease now. 

“Cohonnor! It feels weheird,” Evan protested. 

“You’re adorable, Evan,” Connor outright said it and he wiggled the leaf under Evan’s nose, making him sneeze involuntarily. 

Evan rubbed his nose and he blushed darkly, “W-Well, so are you.”

Connor grinned, “Geehee thanks. You gotta work on the flirting, don’t you?”

Evan rolled his eyes, “No,” he poked Connor’s cheek, “You’re just better at it than I am...”

Connor leaned up and he loomed over Evan, pushing some long hair out of his own face, “It’s only because I love you. I love everything about you. How nervous you get, your smile, your blushing, how you hold your arm into yourself when you get anxious, your laugh..” Connor whisked a few fingers along Evan’s waistline, which was exposed from his shirt hiking up on its own. 

Evan became breathless in another few seconds of Connor’s teasing words. Giggles burst forth without his say so, completely at Connor Murphy’s mercy. But it was such a welcome, wonderful feeling of helplessness. Those boney fingers drawing shapes and letters over his tummy to then spider up into his armpits. It was hell. 

“I could tickle you forever,” Connor teased with sincerity. He’d live off Evan’s laugh if he had to. 

“St-Stahap! I can’t! Connor, plehease!” 

Connor listened to his new boyfriend, his fingers stilling from where they were drilling into Evan’s hip bones. He removed them and nestled into the grass once more, arm to arm with Evan.

“Youhu’re... a jerk,” Evan wasn’t afraid to call him one. Connor chortled and tucked both his hands under his head as a pillow. 

“Guilty is charged,” Connor’s shoulders shrugged.

Evan almost didn’t like how smug Connor looked. Almost. With Connor exposed and vulnerable, Evan tested out Connor’s sensitivity by poking in between a set of his ribs. He yelped. Jackpot.

Evan was quick to straddle Connor and have him squirming and begging within seconds. Man, he was ticklish. 

“You’re gonna scare the stars away with your loud laugh if you don’t watch out,” Evan spoke sweetly, as if he was teasing a child. It seemed to work because Connor blushed and he squealed, hands flying up to cover his mouth and muffle his laugh. 

Evan rose a brow, “Oho, you’re really gonna try this?”

Connor snorted and nodded.

With that, Evan took up the challenge. He first targeted Connor’s underarms since they were open due to Connor covering his mouth. They slammed down immediately and Connor tossed his head back.

“EVAN! Shihihit! Oho my god stahap!” 

Evan plucked a few blades of grass and fluttered them in and around Connor’s ears, sometimes stroking them against his neck. The teen moved his head every which way as his giggles became more high-pitched.��

“I lohove you,” Evan leaned down close to Connor’s face, his hands on either side of his head, the tickles stopped. 

Connor panted, face flushed and hair a mess. He lay where he was and only stretched his head up to meet Evan’s lips with his own. 

The moon shone brightly and huge in the unclouded night sky, stars twinkling. Dazzling. A kiss brought fireworks into the starry surroundings.