#but a liar by necessity's face is such that at the first instance of being needed ur like a dog stumbling over urself to prove thats not

[invenuos]

my favorite thing abt sqh is how much he just..lies. not even out of any malice or at times even necessitated discretion. he promises u everything, reliably delivers it—half bcs you'll have his head otherwise, half bcs he's an unwilling people's pleaser(..and terrified for his life)—and yet still. there's a genuine complicit sort of understanding within him, that all he says, he means half heartedly. everything in his life is so precarious, either physically, or in mental house of cards, that to give a word, a statement, a sentiment, with an internal genuineness would mean to put on stakes feelings that he has full faith in himself to never deliver on. its a constant form of lying that comes from self doubt, a house where nobody is there to listen to u in the first place to account u for it, a stage where everything is a demand and urs is a performance you think will cost u ur life if u fumble it once. the only promise he had ever intended to fulfill faithfully was to his king, and it was bcs he'd written it so. there's original goods sqh who'd betray his king for ambitions and purposes for his own gain and then there's our author god airplane, perfectly possessing the demeanour of the most snivelling, sycophantic-appearing man alive, never having one thought to betray his king, who, apart from being his favorite creation slash wet dream ofc, was also the keeper of the only role in sqh's life whom he offered himself to willingly (by not killing mbj) and then worked that position never intending to be anything else

[ooooo-mcyt]

Yknow what? I'd actually go so far as to say that, as much as ive seen it complained about, it's actually pretty hard to "UwU" or "Woobify" Grian within the context of yhs.

I mean. It's possible if you go really extreme with it, but it's hard.

Grian at his core is actually a primarily decent person most of the timeand is a primarily innocent party in most things. One who goes through a Lot.

If you really think about it Grian's moral compass isn't too far off normal basic human morality. He's often anxious and hesitant when faced with any involvement in criminal activity, he's frequently dismayed and offput by suggestions of violence (the less deserved the more dismay is expressed as well), he's disappointed and frustrated at seeing the people around him do fucked up things, he's almost always polite with a good head on his shoulders when faced with a kind or reasonable person. Even well into ts, long after first coming back to Japan, Grian is still incredibly uneasy and fidgety with the suggestion that he take part in violence, I mean, remember that time he, Taurtis, and Sam were tasked with killing Geode and Grian not only initially tried to refuse outright but then checked in shakily with the other two multiple times just to confirm if they were really going to kill someone. Grian's typically the character most likely in the entire series to be incredibly put off by and very hesitant about doing bad things (especially to people he's not one million percent certain deserve it).

And while one could argue that we can't really praise his moral compass for being hesitant about involving himself in crime/wrongdoing when he often ends up participating anyways. Actions speak louder than words and all. However I disagree. The fact that Grian vocally does not wish to be involved in this kind of thing and has proven to behave on the more reasonable and polite side when acting independently in relation to likewise level headed people....is Very important. In fact, in actual legal cases, oftentimes a factor in trying individuals is the question of whether they would commit the crime in question indepently or under normal circumstances. This is the basis for necessity, duress, and insanity pleas, amoung other's. People who would not act the way they did in a certain scenario under normal circumstances are often liable to be judged favourably in their actions. In fact, speaking of duress pleas, Grian's got a pretty solid one for a lot of his actions. The times Sam or Yuki held a knife to his throat or the times police threatened to kill him if he doesn't comply with orders or any alike incidents. In cases where duress isn't applicable to Grian's behaviour there are oftentimes incidents in which an outright case for violence in self defense can be made. In fact, most of Grian's circumstances leave him very viable to be judged sympathetically on a legal standpoint. The fact that he was a minor, the fact that he had no apparent history of violence or crime, the fact that he was in a severely abusive relationship with a criminal and entering said relationship marked the start of any sort of criminal behaviour from Grian, any criminal behaviour from Grian always being in a group setting never lead by himself, the fact that he always clearly and openly protests when pulled into these group settings, the duress and self defense pleas that are applicable to pretty much all incidents in which he does engage. Which are also all factors that can and should be accounted for on. a moral basis as well, obviously. And like, Grian has a reputation for being arrogant, cynical, and rude or whatever, but he's really not. He very rightfully calls out other people's horrible bullshit and makes snappy remarks towards his abuser but that's the opposite of a problem and Grian's proven himself more than capable of reasonable civility towards reasonable people. Grian just isn't the selfish arrogant disrespectful criminal that he's sometimes implied to be and in fact he's largely innocent- or absolvable, if you'd rather- in most of the things levied against him. Grian's not a literal saint giving to the needy and taking care of orphans in his spare time but he's a decent guy overall???

And hey, speaking of that super abusive relationship Grian landed in. Let's not forget the impact of that situation. Sam was undoubtedly abusive towards Grian. He threatened Grian's life various times, he basically told Grian he was nothing compared to Taurtis, he shoved plastic down Grian's throat and laughed when he choked, he got Grian locked up in solitary confinement through complete lies just because he thought it'd be entertaining I guess, he forced Grian to kiss an abnormally large amount of people against his will (some of these instances sam recorded despite being asked not to), he himself tried to make out with Grian without consent while Grian was sleeping in his own private room, he forcefully dressed Grian up in feminine cosplay meant to be ~attractive~ complete with fake breasts, he lied to Grian about the gender identity of someone Grian dated as a joke (his words) and lightly mocked Grian afterwards, he locked Grian in a basement for three days straight and it's unclear whether or not he was planning to let him out anytime soon, he dragged Grian into a closet with school staff despite Grian's very vocal distress and discomfort then scolded Grian for considering reported it when this staff member made uncomfortable comments on the outfit Sam had forced Grian into, Sam offered to give Grian to another guy who made a similar uncomfortable comment later on as part of some trade, he consistently dragged Grian against his will into criminal activity whether by threatening him, tricking him into participating, or just altogether falsely implicatng him, amoung Many other things. And every step of the way Sam did his best to completely gaslight Grian. He used every gaslighting technique in the book. Telling blatant lies (for example, "i would never stab taurtis", "you are taurtis", "grian's crazy and he stabbed taurtis"), he denies doing shit to Grian that Grian knows damn well he did ("i would never stab taurtis"). He hard projected his bs onto Grian (from blaming grian for 'making' sam do awful shit sam did to claiming grian actually fullstop did the awful shit sam did). He was just constantly trying to turn people against Grian (convincing yuki and taurtis to back him up in calling grian a bad manipulative friend and insisting he needed to apologize for 'making' sam horrifically abuse him. arriving in the police station and instantly without hesitation telling them grian was crazy and dangerous and pinning his own crimes on grian. having taurtis back him up and help scold grian for getting mad about being locked in the basement for days). Telling Grian he's crazy (taurtis incident again, solitary confinement incident, the time sam kissed grian without his consent while he slept and grian got mad). Telling everyone else that Grian's a manipulative liar (taurtis incident again, solitary confinement incident again). Yknow. Gaslighting. Sam was just so unbelievably abusive. In like. Every possible way. Which adds a LOT of trauma to Grian. That on top of his parents abandoning him as a little kid too because we couldn't leave it at severe abuse.

Grian's not a bad person. And he's certainly a very sympathetic person. Which is why it would be hard to woobify yhs Grian. It would be hard to make a very sympathetic very sad character egregiously sympathetic and sad. His whole arc is getting abandoned by his parents, going to visit his friends, and getting violently abused and forced into a multitude of disturbing activities against his will for an extended period of time.

One could argue that sure Grian isn't a bad person and sure Grian's got a pretty sad life, but certainly a lot of people are guilty of making Grian more helpless and scared and generally 'pathetic' than he is in canon.

To which I reply...not really?

Grian already doesn't have half the fight response people ascribe to him throughout the series. That was a whole other post but honestly Grian's response to traumatic situations is very frequently to cave to them and he's got a much stronger submissive streak than people often admit. I mean, Grian was asked to dress up as his best friend who just got stabbed "to make things less awkward and make me feel better" and he did it within ten seconds of being asked without the others even needing to threaten him at all. Grian does express quite a bit of despair, fear, and submissive tendency in canon when faced with dangerous or traumatic situations. And while it's possible to go a bit too far with that if you consistently leave out the token fight entirely, I see people swing way too far un the opposite direction way too often. There's a reason Grian never actually killed Sam in canon. There's a reason Grian never made a serious attempt to get him arrested for his crimes. There's a reason Grian never just left. When Sam found Grian after he ran out of the gym during the Taurtis incident? Grian didn't lunge for Sam. There was no serious altercation between the two. Grian scrambled back and tearfully babbled platitudes while shoving plastic down his own throat on command. And even beyond that, a lot of the interpretations accused of making Grian too helpless/scared/'pathetic' are works that involve Grian processing trauma years after the fact. Which. Even if Grian was the most aggressive on edge fighter in the history of trauma responses during the traumatic events? People don't process their trauma after the fact the same way they instinctively respond in the moment. Even if Grian never shed a tear throughout any of the traumatic ordeals he experienced, it would be far from unrealistic behaviour for him to still process after the fact by panicking and sobbing his eyes out regularly. Which, again, Grian wasn't even all that fight oriented while it was happening so panic and tears isn't even super far removed from his actual in the moment responses let alone processing after-responses. It's just. It's really hard to "UwU" Grian tbh. He's a decent person, he went through hell (his own words actually), and he was never even really very effectively aggressive when he did. And while it's possible to dip too far into that territory, far more often I see things swung egregiously far in the other direction.

[cooloddball]

Hi I went through few cons and I actually got my heart broken a little bit. Every one of them had Jensen denying the idea of Destiel or Dean being anything but the American male fantasy.

Vancon 2012 J2 panel he avoids the fan who is screaming Destiel. I understand that because he was going through something Misha shaped during 2012. Destiel was the last thing he wanted in his life then.

The controversial NJCon 2013 where he pretty much rudely avoids the Bi Dean question. I mean come on there were so many ways to back down there but just giving into that crowd like that and shooting down that girl who asked the question? I know she actually explained what happened there but he is saying things to convey he is unhappy where that question is heading. JP who is considered the immature even is considering answering the question the girl is continuously apologising it is a horror show there while Jensen is just being plain rude.

Jib 2014 solo panel where he is asked if Dean will ever get his pie. And he denies Cas ever being there at the end of the line. And ironically at the end, he was only there with all kinds of pie but no Cas. Amazing how life worked out for him.

Jib 2015 solo panel where he again denies both CasDean and Destiel from Fan Fiction episode. JPad was not there and Jensen was in a bad mood so maybe it had something to do with that.

Chicon 2016 he again invalidates Cas when a question is asked about him Cas and Mary.

TorCon 2016 where both Js are denying Cas's importance saying there's no necessity for him.

JaxCon 2017 he pretty much shoots down Destiel by saying Destiel doesn't exist.

In JaxCon 2018 he wrote NO infront of Bi Dean research paper a fan showed him.

Jibcon 2019 he asks audience Where does Destiel exist. but I think he was much like teasing the audience there tbh. No major harm but it still hurts.

I just.. I truly believe he knows what he and Misha were doing in the Destiel implied scenes. And now the cat is pretty much out of the bag. But still Jensen is pretty much staying on his ground and it is nice he is now more open for interpretation but the strength this fandom should have to forgive him for all he did...

I believe in Karma. I think Karma got to Jensen eventually for all hurt he did by those words to the fandom. I don't hate Jensen in fact I really adore the guy. But it doesn't mean I am not upset by his words. How I think Karma worked here is that he never embraced what he was portraying as a character and Karma finally said "Okay Dude enough foreplay.. You want pie okay here's pie and your car now die and be in heaven and your character arc is in garbage but your brother gets to live. There goes your male fantasy.."

I understand if he had internalized sexuality issues of himself that he didn't feel like exposing by talking about Dean and Destiel but still there are much better ways to shoot down fan opinions without being so rude.

In 2014 he pretty much says that at the end of the series Dean might get all kinds of pie with no Castiel and...Geez Is it not what exactly happened? No Cas and Pie on his face. Accidental foreshadowing spoilers..

I think he got Karma for hurting so many fan hearts and denying something he evidently portrayed in his character. At the end he didn't get a happy ending he got robbed by his own show. While the shippers actually got something out of it Thanks to Misha.

I don't need Jensen to embrace Destiel in an open hug because not in any universe that's gonna happen. I actually hoped he would eventually be open to it. He actually might be, considering his reaction to episode 18. But there's no proof actually footage of him saying anything positive about Destiel. It just... is such a bummer.

I know Jensen is hurt for his own reasons by his own show which actually hurt him in ways no fan ever did. I hope he understands how fans feel now being betrayed by a show they love.

May be he had the Karma coming..

Wow. I-

Hmm. This was super long and I read each and every word of it. However, I feel like maybe you are a Jensen anti. Maybe you are not but that's the vibe I got as I read all this.

First of all I am a Dean girl since the pilot. I love Dean. I watched the show because of Dean. Even before I knew about Destiel, I loved Dean. When Cas showed up, I still loved Dean and to me, Cas was a part of Dean somehow, it just always felt that way.

Secondly. I love Jensen and Misha. I know some people don't like Jensen because of Destiel but I like him and I know he has said something's about the topic but truth is, I get why he did that.

Thirdly, I don't think Karma has anything to do with Dean's death. What they did to Dean was fucked up. Jensen doesn't write the show or control the direction that the show went. That is up to the network, the producers and the writers. Period. So, No. Karma had nothing to do with Dean's end. Jensen protested a lot about the ending. We all know why they did it. It's been talked about x10000000000.

Lastly, on the issue of Jensen and Destiel.

Jensen has on numerous occassions that he doesn't think Cas feels things the way human beings feel things. I believe Dean was on love with Cas but he wasn't sure whether Cas felt the same way because he's an angel.

Bi Dean. Not to discredit anyone but the notion that Jensen would deny that Dean was bi because of his own sexuality crisis irl feels like an insult to Jensen as an actor. I saw once an anti Cas/Misha person say that the way Dean hugged Cas in 12x09 was because Jensen hates Misha. Make it make sense. That is an insult to Jensen. There are directors and writers involved. Jensen doesn't get to decide how he wants to hug Cas or Sam. Yes, they have a right of input sometimes but it is very rarely. And thinking personal feelings would affect his acting or portrayal of Dean is truly a moot point. There are so many actors with feuds irl but when they are performing you would never know. Please let's not insult Jensen like that. He deserves an Emmy for playing Dean so well all these years.

Jensen denied Destiel and Bi Dean because it was never explicitly said he actually was bi or was in love with Cas. However, it is there in subtext. I could list all those instances but I'm guessing you already know all those instances from your research on various cons as indicated in the ask. I believe Jensen knew how he played Dean as bi and as in love with Cas. However, if he said "Yeah, Dean is bi and is in love with cas" then the show doesn't explicitly confirm it, then what. You would all start call him a liar and a panderer like many have called Misha. So he just said what was there. Do you remember Metatron's monologue in s9? What makes a story great, is it the text or the subtext? To me, it's both. To others it's the text while for others it's the subtext.

The network and producers. These are I believe the people who decide what the fans want and how to make money from the show. So if they believe textually confirming Destiel canon or bi Dean would've lined their pockets they would've done it. If watched the show, s12 was pretty gay. It's the gayest of all seasons followed by s15.

Anyway, I have a feeling that you might be an anti destiel or anti Jensen person trying to pose as destiel shipper. I honestly don't know. All I can tell you is that I am a Jensen Ackles apologist and I believe he did as much as the network would let him in terms of letting us see that Dean was in love with Cas.

12x23, 13x01-13x06,15x03,15x09,15x18. There's so much but I am neither a destiel meta writer or a film/tv critic so there's not much I can say. But please Jensen is a good man and I think people asking him over and over again about Destiel when he knew he couldn't give them the answers they wanted got to him and he had to shut it down. Maybe sometimes he was rude but he's only human.

[rametarin]

The importance of bullshit.

What I’m about to say is probably going to strike some of you as upsetting, but I think as human beings, as logical animals, as philosophical creatures, as violent and necessity driven, rationalizing simians..

... Culturally speaking, we need bullshit and headfuckery to grow. Like, as a culture, as a civilization, as a species, we need instances of lies, omissions and half-truths in operation to understand bullshit, how it applies, whom it applies to, and why.

Imagine if you had a culture that never knew any form of lying. Ever. A culture where lying was not done, because there was no need to do so. Entire generations grew up not knowing lies, or deceit, or manipulation, or exploitation.

And it made them naive, inexperienced, disbelieving. Witless. No way to even fathom an alien species that says one thing and does another, does things on bad faith, eventually leading to their exploitation and destruction.

We NEED examples of liars in class. We need to have stories of skullduggery and deception and thievery and selfish monsters. Examples of people that can and do terrible things for personal gain.

The idea that these things existing in a literary culture CAUSES them to happen is absurd. Patently absurd. Those stories serve as warnings of the way people and any thinking being can be an asshole. Especially sociopaths/psychopaths, like the Fey. We NEED precedent. Otherwise, “having no reason to think such a thing is possible” is a very, very dangerous thing.

You need to have your first lesson of someone being a manipulative and unreadable shit. You need to be faced with the confusion of what you’re seeing and experiencing. To project and contemplate why they’d do that. You need to be lied to. You need things in your culture to not make some sense and wonder why.

As I grew up, I sometimes wondered if American society allowed a certain amount of nonsense and bullshit amount the theocratic types. It’s a secular country, after all, and this secularism, despite all the penetration and exploitation by the religious right, has endured. For centuries. But why, if we lived in an irredeemable defacto theocracy of Christians, would secular government win the day? Because some brave atheists said no? No.

Figures like Santa Clause. I sincerely can’t help but wonder if the existence of Santa as a figure is a gentle, organic way that was put in the culture to tease and create an age appropriate training ground for the question of faith. The original Santa was just a dude born in Anatolia/Turkey that was notorious for alms and charity to the poor. And I think decking an atheist? Or was that another guy. St. Valentine? Whatever. And Santa was merged with Odin to create a north pole dwelling magical fat man that gives toys to children because Jesus.

Things like that existing get children pondering. Questioning existential things, internally. Prodding people around them and authority to see whom responds and how. Sometimes they respond vulgarly and angrily, other times with a grin and a finger raised to the lips to shush them so they don’t spoil it for the more willfully ignorant and/or slow children.

Things like this are testing grounds for children to suss out fact from fiction. If there wasn’t any of these experiences or things with real consequences for non-compliance, then communicating the culture of theology, all its benefits and drawbacks, would be harder. People NEED traditions and a little nonsense dogma, if only so bored children have to learn to tolerate it and question the necessity of it!

Without a healthy amount of nonsense that’s just organic and natural, like dealing with the ornery and cantankerous harshness of one’s environment, one doesn’t rise up to survive in it, tolerate it, or understand it. One going their whole life free of misery is unable to deal with it as they age and become weaker. If you never experience loss and are suddenly heaped with it, you expect not to lose. And have no idea of how to cope.

I suppose you might say, for those that do not personally live lives full of deceit, violence and injustice, fiction and fantasy stories of others experiencing it, so we may vicariously learn these lessons, serve as a cheap memetic innoculation of culture. Without these stories, without these human themes, we’d regress as a species and have to learn them all over again.

And the downside of that is with technology and society as it is now, people unable to learn these lessons from the wisdom of people that have learned it can be exploited and not even know what’s happening. Fiction must survive, uncensored and unsuppressed.

[mindfulnesslearnhealthylife-blog]

Things You Need To Do To Be Content.

FPractice self-careListen to your inner voiceCount your blessingsStay patientTake a deep breathGo for minimizationSay no to comparisonDevelop acceptance for what you can't change

As a generation, we perceive our happiness in materialistic possessions.

It's not what I do believe; you can feel it yourself. For instance, look at the media.

It is consistently promoting luxury products as a necessity.

Whereas, these items are just an illusion that dissipates as soon as you receive your hands on it without bringing the true satisfaction and happiness.

Therefore, it is vital to know what real contentment is and how you may be contented without even having the so-called luxuries. 

What does it mean to be content?

Contentment is just a state of satisfaction and happiness with the easy things in life. I'd like to use it in simpler words.

It means to be grateful for that which you have.

Investing in a new car is definitely exciting, but this feeling doesn't last forever.

After months or years, you would like to have another latest model car parked on your own porch.

This feeling of excitement mounted on the newer and better things does never end.

Consequently, your happiness is definitely fluctuating.

Contrary to this idea, being quite happy with little things- irrespective of how old or new they are, generate the long-lasting satisfaction of your soul. 

There is an ironic notion of the concept of contentment.

People often confuse content and success.

They fear that being content will mean no success in life.

Because they believe when they reach the contentment, they do not have to strive for better things.

I beg to differ here! 

Being content doesn't mean to turn into a deadbeat with zero motivation and ambitions.

Actually, being content makes life more prosperous.

It intends an attitude to involve yourself in activities that offer joy and, at the same time frame, give meaning to your goals.

People who are quite happy with life also have something to anticipate every day.

They've an intention in their lives.

They are not only goofing around aimlessly.

To be satisfied, you need to have certain aims and have to work to achieve your target.

Like, your goal can be as simple as helping stray animals.

This may need you to provide them with shelter, food and care.

In this way, your aim will motivate you to escape bed every morning, look for the stray animals.

Put them beneath the supervision and feel content by the end of the day.

 How Can I feel Content?

Although feeling content isn't exactly easy, but it is possible.

Should you desire your life were different, then that's a sign of desiring contentment.

Three items that can assist you to achieve it include acceptance, patience and gratitude.

Satisfaction with life can perform amazing things in most facets of our lives.

That's why you need to find out just how to be contented with little things of life.

Here is the small guide about the items you can practice  healthy lifestyle if you are content in life:

Stay glued to your values

What do values mean? Your values are that which you worry about the absolute most in life.

Values drive you towards your goals.

They motivate you, along with calm you down and eventually cause you to grateful.

As soon as your thoughts and actions are in sync together with your values, you are more authentic, which ultimately teaches you the art to be content.

If you are not sure about your values, remember what make you are feeling passionate, motivated and fulfilled.

I'm not wrong in saying that we are more inclined to plan our future than to enjoy our present.

We imagine ourselves to be happier, healthier and slimmer in the coming days. Don't you?

However, the only option you've is always to take action to achieve your future goal.

Taking action means practicing self-care first.

Prioritise your quality of life and wealth to fulfil your dreams.

A healthier mind, body and soul can get you to places.

But to be quite happy with that which you have, you will need to begin watching yourself.

Your nourishment from both inside and outside will simply aid you in attaining a grateful personality.

Self-awareness is a part of self-care.

A self-aware person can pay attention to their gut, which enables them to acknowledge what's in their mind and heart.

It's their inner voice that informs you what matters for you the most.

Your gut is never a liar.

When something doesn't feel right, almost certainly, it isn't.

By trusting your instincts, you make better decisions that positively influence your life.

You should be considering how.

It's simple!

Start practicing activities and surround yourself with the people who make your soul happy and cause you to content.

The best way to get at contentment is by counting your blessings.

Whenever you feel unhappy about not having something, take time to be grateful for the right things.

All you have to to accomplish is think on your life.

It'll divert your attention from what there isn't from what you do have and brings positivity and feelings of contentment.

Anyone patient is somewhat quite happy with his life.

Patience is the capability to stay calm and let things unfold at the right time.

You wait calmly in the face of adversity.

In the event that you practice patience, you will observe that you possess everything to be quite happy with your life.

Many of us are hustling in life to get a very important factor or another…don't you?

This often worn us out, but we keep on going because this is life.

Here's an advice from my side; pause for a minute…have a deep breath and smile!

Taking time and energy to breathe allows you to appreciate the items around you and be grateful.

Possess less achieve more!

Got the idea of what I'm discussing? No? I'd like to elaborate.

Minimization means to have less and possess what are only necessary to lead a pleased life without the fear of losing.

The minimalist lifestyle is to lessen materialistic possessions and learn to enjoy little things in life which come free from cost.

It could include happiness, contentment and confidence.

Minimization is not only getting rid of the unwanted things.

Additionally it involves staying far from toxic relationships, people and situations.

This is one way going for a simple lifestyle sets you mentally-free and helps you are feeling contented with life.

You can never have a peaceful life unless you stop comparing yourself with others. 

Comparing your life with others goes far from contentment.

There can be individuals who have better possessions.

Don't you believe we always compare our weaknesses with the very best assumptions we make about others?

I am talking about, you see your friend's new car, but you may not find out about the sleepless nights they have spent to achieve that car.

Therefore, in place of comparison, you need to spend time recognizing your blessings and potential.

Everyone is established uniquely; the only requirement is self-acceptance and self-recognition.

An individual will be alert to everything you already possess, you will automatically start accepting yourself.

You'll learn how to value your personality, time, possessions and relations of your life.

Acceptance would be to take things and situations as they are without the judgment and bias.

Clouded thoughts about yourself lead one to rejection of yourself.

It only triggers one to seek things that are far away.

So, have a minute and think where these thoughts are coming from.

You'll realize the possible lack of self-compassion and perceived inadequacy and failure is drowning you from your personal self.

Hence, you need to ask yourself what's more important, accepting and appreciating everything you are or hoping to get something thing that is too far away.

It is also essential to notice this doesn't mean you need to accept everything that is thrown at you because you're practicing self-acceptance.

However, acceptance means not to push the best things because you may not like them.

The Bottom line to being content

It is now safe to state that being content can never be your destination.

Contentment is a lifelong procedure for growth.

It requires you to help keep a continuous check on yourself to really have the reassurance and soul.

In a nutshell, contentment isn't being contented together with your present situation in life and do not have a desire to boost it.

It is a matter to be grateful for everything you have, but understanding that as an individual, you will always have to work for improvement.

If you should be not up for the improvement, it simply means you've given up on your life.

It's also advisable to understand that nobody, and I repeat, nobody will help you are feeling content until you put effort into yourself. So, start appreciating the simpler things in life that give joy and peace of mind.

It'll boost your physical and mental well-being, providing greater strength and energy to pursue the things you cherish.

[xtruss]

Since 9/11, US Muslims Have Gained Unprecedented Political, Cultural Influence

— By Steve Friess | 09/01/21

It's been an impressive 2021 so far for Muslim Americans. The U.S. Senate, that bastion of partisan gridlock, overwhelmingly confirmed the nation's first Muslims as a federal district court judge and to chair the Federal Trade Commission. Legislatures in five states swore in their first Muslim members, including a nonbinary, queer hijab-wearing representative in, of all places, Oklahoma. Three Detroit suburbs are poised this fall to elect their first Muslim mayors. The New York Jets tapped Robert Saleh as the first Muslim head coach of any American pro sports team. CBS premiered, then renewed The United States of Al, the first broadcast network sitcom with a Muslim lead character. And Riz Ahmed, star of Sound of Metal, became the first Muslim nominated for an Oscar for Best Actor.

"Everywhere I look, I see firsts happening," says MLB Tonight sportscaster Adnan Virk, who in 2012 became the first on-air Muslim host on ESPN.

As the 20th anniversary of September 11 approaches, the recent rise of many Muslim Americans to positions of power and influence—in Washington and in statehouses, on big screens and small ones, across playing fields and news desks—is a development that few in the U.S. would have predicted two decades ago, Muslims included. In the immediate aftermath of the terrorist attacks by the radical Islamic sect Al-Qaeda, anti-Muslim hate crimes exploded and the ensuing global "war on terror" to root out jihadists created a "climate of discrimination, fear and intolerance," as one think tank described it, that surrounded people of Islamic faith in this country and lasted for years. Then, just as heightened anti-Muslim sentiment in the U.S. seemed to be subsiding, Donald Trump was elected president in 2016 on an agenda overtly hostile towards Muslims, and revved it up again.

It is the experience of coming of age in this post-9/11 environment, experts say, that drew a new generation of young Muslims to activism, and motivated them to use their voices in political and cultural arenas to debunk misinformation. That they've found a receptive audience beyond the Muslim community suggests to some observers that many Americans now understand that the anti-Islamic rhetoric they've been served in recent years is based on myths and untrue. As Minnesota Attorney General Keith Ellison, who in 2007 became the first Muslim sworn in as a member of Congress, tells Newsweek, "The haters have been proven to be liars."

Maybe. But trend data suggests the answer is not that simple and anti-Islamic sentiment remains a factor 20 years after 9/11. Anti-Muslim hate crimes, for instance, are second only to anti-Semitic incidents, FBI statistics show. And in a Gallup poll, one-third of Americans, and a full 62 percent of Republicans, said they'd never vote for a Muslim candidate for president, by far the least support for people of any religion in the survey.

Anti-Islamic sentiment remains a factor 20 years after 9/11. President Donald Trump's ban on travel from seven Muslim-majority countries didn't help (here, protestors make their feeling about the ban known). Jack Taylor/Getty

Is the recent rise of Muslim Americans to positions of prominence a temporary surge forged during the backlash of the Trump era or a permanent change in American consciousness? Are the constant, often viciously personal attacks on Representatives Ilhan Omar of Minnesota and Rashida Tlaib of Michigan—the most famous Muslims in American politics as well as two of the nation's most strident progressives—a last gasp of Islamophobia or proof that, in some quarters at least, it's never going away? If, in fact, the political and cultural shift toward Muslims has staying power, what will the impact be?

The answers are still unfolding. "Muslims are becoming more a part of the American tapestry, but they are still a marginalized group," says political scientist Youssef Chouhoud of Christopher Newport University in Newport News, Virginia. "The question now is, OK, so you have these Muslims in public office, in the public eye, on commercials, on TV shows. But does it stick? That's TBD."

Identity Forged in Adversity

When the attacks by Al-Qaeda occurred 20 years ago, the makeup of the Muslim community in the U.S. was much different than it is today: significantly smaller, older, more conservative, less organized, and made up of more Black Americans and far fewer recent immigrants.

In 2001, roughly 1 million Muslims lived in the U.S., according to the Association of Religious Data Archives, versus 3.5 million recently. As a group, they formed a solid Republican voting bloc, with the immigrant community in particular drawn to the GOP's messages of self-reliance, small government and conservative social policies on issues like abortion and gay rights. George W. Bush won 72 percent of Muslim votes in 2000, according to the Council on American Islamic Relations, or CAIR; other polls put the figure lower by still showed a big GOP tilt. After 9/11 that support plummeted, with just 7 percent backing Bush in his 2004 face-off with Democrat John Kerry.

Party affiliation wasn't the only shift among Muslims in the U.S. in the post-9/11 years. Before the attacks, Muslim Americans seldom saw themselves as a single community bound by a common faith as much as a disparate collection of distinct ethnic groups—Iranian, Iraqi, Syrian, Pakistani and Egyptian among many others—that kept to and fended for themselves, says Niloofar Haeri, chair of Islamic Studies in the anthropology department at Johns Hopkins University. The other large bloc of Muslims in the country were Black Americans who saw the Islam of Malcolm X and boxer Muhammed Ali as both a religion and a political identity used to advocate for the poor and marginalized. That application of the faith, says Haeri, unsettled many immigrant Muslims who came to the U.S. to escape theocracies.

Many Black Americans saw the Islam of Malcolm X (pictured here) and boxer Muhammed Ali as both a religion and a political identity used to advocate for the poor and marginalized. Michael Ochs Archives/Getty

Then came the ferocious backlash after the September 11 attacks, marked by a wave of physical and verbal assaults on Muslims and anyone who "looked" Muslim. According to the FBI, there were 28 reports of anti-Muslim hate crimes in 2000; in 2001, that number had climbed to nearly 500. Although then-President George W. Bush had initially urged people not to take out their fear and anger Muslim Americans, his administration later went on to surveil mosques and college Muslim organizations looking for terrorists and invaded Iraq in 2003 on later-debunked claims of involvement with Al-Qaeda and plans to build weapons of mass destruction. Many Christian religious leaders during this period made harsh anti-Islamic remarks as well.

Conservative politicians also spent several campaign cycles in the post-9/11 period ginning up public fear that Muslims wanted to impose Sharia in America—that is, turn religious strictures of Islam into laws akin to those of some Middle Eastern theocracies. "For a while Republicans were all about banning Sharia law, which doesn't exist anywhere in America that I'm aware of," Ellison says. "In another way, every Muslim does 'Sharia law' every day. When I pray, that's Sharia. When I fast for Ramadan, that's Sharia. When I don't eat pork, that's Sharia. And these are the people who say they defend religious freedom."

All of this stoked fear of unwarranted reprisals among Muslim Americans and helped forge a generation of young activists who are now winning political office from city council to Congress, Chouhoud says. By 2007, 84 percent of 12- to 18-year-old Muslim Americans said they had experienced at least one act of anti-Islamic discrimination in the prior year, a New York University study found. In 2009, more than 82 percent of Muslims in the U.S. reported feeling unsafe, an Adelphi University survey found.

Muslim Americans faced a choice: Grin and bear it or band together and respond, Haeri says. "One of the most consequential changes that happened in various Muslim communities post-9/11 was that those Muslims who were not religious and did not identify as Muslim before 9/11 were suddenly being treated as Muslims whether they wanted to be or not and were asked questions about Islam," Haeri recalls. "Muslim communities filled with newly self-identifying Muslims. There was a lot of soul searching: Why are we shunning this heritage entirely?"

Meanwhile, more religious Muslim Americans, especially the ones who fled autocratic regimes and failed economies, baffled over questions about their patriotism. "We had to redefine ourselves and push back against injustice—from our country, from the government, from the media, from popular culture," says Nihad Awad, co-founder and executive director of CAIR. "We felt the pain about 9/11 that everyone felt but more pain than many because we were blamed for what happened—something we had nothing to do with."

Adversity fused a far-flung gaggle of nationalities into a coalition of necessity, says Democratic Representative Andre Carson of Indiana, who in 2008 became the second Muslim elected Congress. "This role was paved decades ago by the indigenous African-American Muslim community, but 9/11 allowed the immigrant Muslim community to see that the African-American Muslim community was right all along in calling out racial injustices, calling out governmental excess as it relates to violations of civil liberties and spying on fellow U.S. citizens," says Carson, who is Black.

At the same time, throughout the Bush and Obama years, the pace of immigration to the U.S. from Muslim-majority nations in the Middle East, Asia and Africa surged. Between 2002 and 2016, the number of Muslim refugees accepted into U.S. rose 627 percent—from about 6,000 a year to almost 40,000—which, along with the highest birth rate of any religious group, caused the sharp increase in the Muslim population. The influx has since stopped, as the Trump administration cut the number of refugees accepted into the U.S. to an all-time low of fewer than 12,000 in total, almost all of whom were Christian, according to State Department data.

During the period, Muslim visibility in everyday life increased for many because of where they live now: the suburbs. Nearly half of mosques are now in bedroom communities outside major cities, up from 38 percent in 2010, according to a July report from the Institute for Social Policy and Understanding, which researches trends in American Muslim life. At the same time, the actual number of mosques rose dramatically, more than doubling from 1,209 to 2,769 since 2000.

The number of mosques in the U.S. has more than doubled, to 2,769, since 2000. Here, an outdoor prayer event at Masjid Aqsa-Salam mosque, Manhattan's oldest West African mosque. Spencer Platt/Getty

"The age-old pattern of immigrants achieving financial success and moving away from cities seems to be repeating itself in the American Muslim community," ISPU notes.

By the election of Trump, who as a candidate in 2015 called for a "total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States," the American Muslim community was bigger, brasher and uniformly unwilling to roll over. Indeed, observes MSNBC anchor Ali Velshi, Trump's effort to ostracize Muslims, and a subsequent rise in anti-Muslim rhetoric and hate crimes to levels not seen since 2001, lit a spark.

"Something is happening right now," says Velshi, who is believed to be the first Muslim to helm a cable network news program. "It feels like a flourishing of Muslims across industries and across platforms."

Running While Muslim

The arc of Sadaf Jaffer's adult life—from college freshman at Georgetown during 9/11 to the nation's first female Muslim mayor in 2019—offers a useful road map of what has happened to Muslims in U.S. politics over the past two decades and, particularly, recently.

The 38-year-old, who was born in Chicago to immigrants from Pakistan and Yemen, had planned to be a U.S. diplomat and interned at both the State Department and the Marine Corps. But she became increasingly distressed by the anti-Islam sentiment rising across the U.S. and, in 2007, shifted her focus, enrolling at Harvard to pursue a doctorate in philosophy focused on Islamic cultures in South Asia. Her goal: "Understanding Muslim societies better so I could teach about Muslim societies in their complexity."

By 2017, she was a professor at Princeton University so alarmed by the election of Donald Trump that she decided to go into politics by running for a seat on the Montgomery Township Committee, the governing council for a wealthy, fast-growing New Jersey burg of 24,000 residents about 20 miles north of Trenton. Even on such a small scale, the notion terrified her family. "My parents told me, 'Shouldn't we lie low and not draw attention to ourselves right now?' but I felt like if we don't stand up for our rights now, who's to say that we'll even have rights moving forward," Jaffer says.

Jaffer won that seat and, in 2019, was elevated to mayor. Her status as the nation's first female Muslim mayor, she says, was blared in foreboding tones across pro-Trump news sites and Twitter. "That caused an avalanche of hate mail—violent ones, too, about how all of us should be removed from the planet," she says.

It didn't deter her from seeking higher office. This June, she won the Democratic nomination for a seat in the New Jersey Assembly; if she wins this fall, she'll be the first Muslim (and first Asian American) in the Garden State's legislature. She is bracing for some anti-Muslim sentiment but also views her campaigns as a chance to debunk constituents' misconceptions about Islam.

"Those person-to-person connections are really important," she says. "They're about getting to know people as human beings."

If Jaffer wins, she'll follow on the success in the 2020 election that brought the first Muslim legislators to capitols of Delaware, Oklahoma, Colorado, Florida and Wisconsin, and the first re-election of Omar and Tlaib. There are other firsts likely to come this fall too; the top vote-getters in the August primaries for mayor of Detroit suburbs Dearborn, Dearborn Heights and Hamtramck—enclaves with large Muslim populations—were all Muslims.

U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi administers the oath of office to members earlier this year, including Representatives Andre Carson, Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib, three of only four Muslims who have served in Congress. Erin Scott/Getty

In all, a record 170 Muslim candidates were on ballots in 28 states in 2020, up from 57 in 2018, and 62 of them won. Exit polling showed that more than 1 million Muslims voted last year, also a record.

"When Trump won, it was a wake-up call for the community," says Wa'el Alzayat, the CEO of Emgage, an organization promoting civic engagement among Muslim American communities.

Also notable: Almost all of these winners are Millennials; Tlaib, at 45 and slightly older than that cohort, is an exception. And most of these Muslim politicans report being the target of some form of anti-Islam sentiment while running.

"They sent out emails connecting me with Ilhan Omar and accusing all the Muslim candidates running across the country of being Islamist or Jihadists," says Delaware state Representative Madinah Wilson-Anton, 27, who ousted a 20-year Democratic incumbent in 2020 to become her chamber's first Muslim. "I was door-knocking and someone was like, 'Go back to your country.'"

Wilson-Anton is not the only Muslim candidate whose religion is used by opponents as grounds to call their qualifications for office into question. In June, GOP Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia sent a fundraising email attacking Omar as a "terrorist-supporting member of the Jihad Squad." Sam Rasoul, the first Muslim to run for lieutenant governor in Virginia, was asked in May by a debate moderator whether he could reassure voters he would "represent all of them, regardless of faith or beliefs." And Joe Biden's nominee for deputy administrator of the Small Business Administration, health care executive Dilawar Syed, is in confirmation limbo after two GOP senators objected to the fact that he is on the board of Emgage, the Muslim nonprofit. (He says he'll resign if confirmed.)

In each of these recent cases, though, a broad spectrum from various religious and ideological groups have joined Muslims to object to how the candidates are being treated. An opponent of Rasoul's, for instant, lambasted the debate moderator from the stage for asking the question and social media scorn was so swift that an anchor for the TV station, WJLA, apologized that night on the air. In Syed's case, several Jewish groups are rallying to his side.

"Overall," says Emgage CEO Alzayat, "things are moving in the right direction."

People protest the Muslim travel ban outside of the US Supreme Court in Washington, DC on June 26, 2018. Mandel Ngan/AFP/Getty

A Growing Impact

In office, many of these legislators can point to measures influenced directly by their Muslim backgrounds. Wilson-Anton in June pushed through a new law requiring schools to excuse student absences for religious observances such as Muslim or Jewish holidays. Saqib Ali, who at age 31 in 2006 was elected Maryland's first Muslim state legislator, co-sponsored a law with a Jewish colleague allowing for the licensure of funeral directors who do not embalm bodies because observant members of both faiths do not do so. After someone left a slab of pork on a Muslim family's car in her town, Jaffer started the Montgomery Mosaic, a monthly series of community-wide events to combat hate crimes.

More broadly, Chouhoud says, having more Muslims in the halls of power has changed some conversations. In May, when violence erupted between Israel and Palestine, for example, several Democratic leaders in Washington expressed concern about Israel's aggressive response and the plight of Palestinians. That, he says, was due in part to the activism of Omar and Tlaib. "It's pretty undeniable that the presence of Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib in Congress has given voice to opinions that other Congresspeople in the past have either shied away from or found to be outside of the bounds of what they can actually say, even if they personally held those positions," he says.

Indeed, the congresswomen, both of whom declined Newsweek's requests for interviews, are considered inspirational trailblazers by many within the American Islamic community who see them exploding myths about Muslim women being docile and submissive, Haeri says. Even their differences—Omar wears a hijab, Tlaib is famous for her penchant for swearing—shows "the diversity of Muslim women in a way that surprises and educates a lot of people," Haeri says.

Democratic Representatives Rashida Tlaib of Michigan (left) and Ilhan Omar of Minnesota are considered inspirational trailblazers by many within the American Islamic community. Tom Williams/Getty

Virtually every Muslim elected to state legislatures—and all four who have ever been elected to Congress—are progressive Democrats; Carson, the Indiana congressman, was among the first elected officials to endorse Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, a Democratic Socialist, for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination. Sanders held firm to that support four years later; a CAIR survey in February 2020 found 39 percent of Muslim Democrats supported Sanders versus 27 percent for Biden. For many Americans, this alignment defies well-worn stereotypes about Muslims as extreme social conservatives who would not support a pro-choice, pro-LGBTQ Jewish candidate.

Yet the Omar-Tlaib approach is offensive and troubling for some politically conservative Muslims, who object to what they say is an underlying message that Muslims are badly-treated victims of bias. "The experience of American Muslims is one that's overwhelmingly positive," says Omar Qudrat, 40, of California who in 2018 was the first Muslim to win the GOP nomination for a seat in Congress. (He lost by 23 points.) "Many of us reject the victimhood narrative. Do we have problems? Absolutely. But it would be tragic for any young American Muslim to believe all they amount to is being a victim of this great country."

Qudrat and prominent Muslim conservative Zuhdi Jasser defend Trump's policies as being in the interest of national security and praise him for brokering treaties between Israel and Bahrain and the United Arab Emirates. "I'm not embarrassed of my faith," says Jasser, a Phoenix physician appointed by Republican Senator Mitch McConnell in 2012 to the U.S. Commission on International Religious Freedom. "But I understand the mindset of a country that was attacked. Those wounds are still very deep."

Gold medalist, Dalilah Muhammad of the United States, poses on the podium during the medal ceremony for the Women's 400m Hurdles on Day 14 of the Rio 2016 Olympic Games at the Olympic Stadium on August 19, 2016 in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. David Ramos/Getty

There is an audience for this view: Trump modestly increased his share of the Muslim vote in 2020 to 17 percent from 13 percent in 2016, CAIR reports.

"Muslims are still a relatively socially conservative population," Chouhoud says. "Certain values and priorities do overlap between Muslims and Republicans. It's just that there's the sense that there is no place for Muslims within the Republican Party."

Jasser maintains the GOP is not as anti-Muslim as progressives believe, citing the confirmations earlier this summer of Lina Khan to chair the FTC and Judge Zahid Quraishi to the federal bench, by wide bipartisan margins. Awad, of CAIR, counters by citing Republican opposition to other Muslims nominated by Biden for positions within the administration, such as Reema Dudin as deputy director of the White House Office of Legislative Affairs, and the long GOP-led delay on Syed's bid for an SBA post.

"To dismiss the rest of the Muslim community's concerns about discrimination, they must be living on the moon," Awad says. "I have not met a Muslims since 9/11 who has not experienced some form of discrimination."

Alzayat of Emgage, for one, hopes the GOP does, in fact, become more hospitable. "There will come a day when we have Muslim Republicans running, Muslim Democrats running, Muslim independents running, and they can have healthy disagreements about policies," Alzayat says. "That would be good for the community and good for democracy."

The Stars and the Crescent

This moment of ascendence for American Muslims is not only about political achievements. Popular culture, too, is seeing a sharp increase in Muslim representation, and the two trends feed each other. Movies and television offer familiarity that helps fuel acceptance, allowing many non-Muslim Americans who don't personally know anyone who practices Islam to see Muslim characters woven into the fabric of everyday life.

"It's an opportunity to create greater empathy for and less prejudice towards Muslims off-screen," says Arij Mikati of Pillars Fund, a Muslim philanthropy that next year will award $25,000 grants to 10 Muslim TV or movie storytellers.

Among those helping to drive this new level of cultural visibility: Ramy Youssef, who won a Golden Globe and a Peabody Award in 2020 for Ramy, a half-hour Hulu dramedy about a first-generation Muslim-American millennial struggling with his faith. Also in the cast for the show's second season was Mahershala Ali, the first Muslim actor to win an Academy Award, for his supporting roles in Moonlight (2016) and Green Book (2018). Disney+ is due this fall to drop Ms. Marvel, introducing Marvel's first Muslim superhero, a shapeshifting, bubble-gum-chewing Pakistani-American teen from New Jersey. And there are past and present recent series like Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj and United States of Al, a CBS sitcom about a U.S. war veteran who helps his Afghan interpreter move to Ohio.

The Netflix series "Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj" is one of a number of shows that helped to bring Muslim actors and storytellers a new level of cultural visibility. Matt Doyle/Getty

Jaffer, the Montgomery Township mayor, says she's also noticed greater Muslim visibility on kids' shows like Sesame Street and Peg Plus Cat, and it's extended to her daughter's first-grade classroom, where the teacher this spring read a book about Ramadan to students. "Those things seem like little victories, that our celebrations are being recognized as part of America,'" she says. "It's nice, because as a child, I had to explain everything. Just imagine asking a six-year-old to answer, 'What is Christmas?'"

Some Muslim actors and celebrities say they try to advance the ball, talking openly about their faith and cultural identity when asked—or not asked. Adnan Virk, while still at ESPN in 2016, recalls being asked to help anchor coverage after boxer Muhammed Ali died. "One of our producers called and said, 'Hey, we don't know anything about Islamic funerals. Could you come in?'" Virk recalls. "That made sense. They wouldn't know. Open casket, closed casket? What prayers are they reciting? Why is he draped in white? That was a cool moment."

Comic Negin Farsad, a frequent panelist on the NPR quiz show Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!, says she takes "any occasion I can when it fits organically in the joke to make mention of being Muslim. I do that to let people know that one of their favorite radio comedy shows has a Muzz on it and it's cool."

And MSNBC's Velshi says he intentionally tries to bring on guests and experts who are Muslims and of other marginalized communities to talk about topics unrelated to their identities. "It's the simplest thing in the world to do to break down barriers, to cause people to open their minds," Velshi says. "I want my roster of guests to look like the full breadth of America. Familiarity breeds understanding."

But while there are undeniably more Muslims in higher visibility and breakthrough roles, experts in and outside of the American Islamic community note that the numbers and depictions still don't come close to fair representation. A USC Annenberg study this June of 200 popular global movies from 2017 to 2019 found that just 1.1 percent of the speaking characters in U.S. films and 1.6 percent overall were Muslim, still frequently stereotyped as outsiders, threatening or subservient, particularly to white characters.

"More than half of the primary and secondary Muslim characters were immigrants, migrants, or refugees, which consistently rendered Muslims as 'foreign,'" says Al-Baab Khan, one of the study authors. "Film audiences only see a narrow portrait of this community, rather than viewing Muslims as they are: business owners, friends and neighbors whose presence is part of modern life."

Islamic Center Of America on July 17, 2014 in Dearborn, Michigan. Raymond Boyd/Getty

A Long Road Ahead

The challenges Muslim Americans face in popular culture in many ways mirror the political environment: The gains are real, increasingly visible and more prominent, but for now at least, still relatively modest—and, Muslim activists worry, too easily at risk of being erased.

They point out, for instance, that there's never been a Muslim in the U.S. Senate, elected as governor or appointed to a Cabinet position. Another major terrorist attack involving extremist Muslims, a successful White House comeback for Trump or the election of a similarly-minded candidate could once again sour public opinion or create new dangers.

"Trump was able to capitalize on bigotry, on ignorance and racism, on fear," said CAIR's Awad. "He mobilized it, weaponized it, made it official. His impact is still with us. And he might come back."

Still, the progress thus far has Muslim leaders cautiously optimistic and thirsting for more. Haeri hopes to see more taught in schools about Islam's history, noting the contributions of Muslim scientists and artists are absent from the education of most American children. Carson, the Indiana congressman, looks forward to the day he can donate to the first Muslim to run for president. Farsad just wants better roles to play. "I'm both ashamed and unashamed to admit that I have auditioned for the wife of a terrorist," she says. "That's what was available."

"We've been so underrepresented for so long, we're just working to even out the odds," Emgage's Alazayat says. "The question is not, 'Wow, look at how much we've done.' We should expect more."

[darkhymns-fic]

Mind Games

Sombra loved making new friends.

Fandom: Overwatch Characters/Pairing: Reaper/Sombra, Widowmaker Rating: T Mirror Links: AO3, FF.net Notes: They’re a very nice aesthetic which is why I wrote this in the first place.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Information was everything – but it never mattered if it was true.

Gathering intel has always been Sombra's job. Sometimes it consisted of knocking down doors, slipping past debris and then vanishing with each footstep lifted away from history. Or all it needed was a well-placed laugh from her and a smile, all while she carried a flash drive in her palm, just as sinister as a dagger. People hardly kept their secrets as guarded as they thought they did. So, of course, she could extract what she needed, and take away all that and more when the mood hit her. Sometimes, she even did it right in front of their face.

(But what secrets does a ghost have?)

The private habitations provided to them by Talon were of true military-grade, perfect for their necessities, but not much else. But no one went to work for Talon for an easy life of luxury. And for Sombra, breaking into the rooms of her teammates didn't really spike up her adrenaline that much.

When Reaper marched out of his room, Sombra was there to greet him with a cheery smile as she appeared out of thin air.

"Qué tal, old man?" She held something in her hand, lightly hefting it by her long nails.

Predictably, Reaper caught the object just as she let go. She may not have been able to see through that mask of his, but just one word out of him was enough for anyone to know what mood he was in. Here's a spoiler: it never changes.

"Why do you have my clip?" he growled.

It was a heavy clip, perfect for those heavy guns. It had felt real in her palm, full of weight, packed with shells noted by a caliber that, after a bit of research, was rather dated by today's standards. Going by their last mission together and the bodies left behind, that didn't seem to matter.

"Needed it for a pet project," she told him. "I've been wanting to ask, Gabe, – can I call you Gabe? – where do you get these anyway? No serial number or nothing."

He pocketed the clip in his jacket, though he did so by giving no hint as to just where exactly – or how. She imagined it blending within his clothes, like smoke, like fumes, like the fog that comes after a rainy day.

(Had it been a real thing? Is he real? But I felt it, and I felt-)

"Keep your nose out of my business." He stalked off, boots clomping hard against the metal floors, but the echo of it distant and unreal. "If I catch you in my room again, not even your little toys will help you."

"Is that how you treat your teammate?" She could teleport away, slip back through the translocator into the comfort of her own bed (she was never much of a morning person, yet it was Reaper of all people that liked to rise with the dawn) but she decided to saunter up to him, back through the corridors to the mess hall. "Besides, I never went into your room. Too dreary, too drab, and I'd stand out anyway. But maybe you should try following your own advice."

That caught his attention. His head swiveled in her direction. "What-"

"Or maybe keep a leash on your own toys. They seem to have a habit of showing up on my dresser – not that I don't mind the attention."

Her back was already to him as she said that. Hearing no heavy footsteps chasing after, and no angry yell, she figured she played her cards right.

Gathering intel had been getting routine for her as of late. But playing with her information, and dangling it in front of her targets: that was where the thrill was.

 "You act like a school girl," Widowmaker had once told her. "Drawn to the very thing that will bite off your head, and not even knowing it."

"Ayy, qué lindo," Sombra had shot back. "I'm flattered and all, but I'd rather just stay as besties."

"You're a fool." It was one of the few instances she ever saw so much as a wrinkle on Widowmaker's face – caused by her frown. "I don't care what you do, but he cares far too much."

"That old softy? He's just a relic of the past, nothing more than a scary ghost story." Sombra shrugged. "But then, I guess I've always liked ghost stories when I was younger."

"And do you know what happens to the children in those ghost stories?" It was probably the first and only time she and Widowmaker would ever have breakfast together. The French woman had sipped her coffee, and no flush of its warmth ever reached her cheeks, ever reached anywhere. "I just want to avoid filling out the paperwork when they find a bullet in that pretty head of yours."

That was before. Now, instead of café con leche, she drank whiskey and gin. The bar was rundown, the patrons either still or snoring. The loudest was that vaquero in the corner, his hat tattered with wear, and a belt that screamed 'steal me!' in its flourish of gold lettering. On any old day, she would have done so, if it didn't spell something so stupid. That and it was Christmas; which made her a little less receptive to burglary. Probably something to do with nostalgia.

Her augmented hand let her know about her little sleepers – Reaper had been a busy man. He was all over the map, quicker than any normal human being. And Frenchy must have enjoyed where she was, for she hadn't moved from her position for a full two hours.

Downing her drink, she passed the bartenders a few coins and left through the creaking front door. She wouldn't linger long – some of Los Muertos' markings were still engraved on her skin, and it paid to be part of a collective without them knowing your face, unlike with Talon. She doubted anyone from there would even remember the little girl with her backpack of tech and a rebellious hairstyle. But, as she learned not too long after that, it paid to be extra careful.

In the space of a keystroke, she moved from Calaveras to somewhere on the outfringes of Paris – maybe. She didn't care enough about France to know its geography.

"Your spying isn't cute," Widowmaker told her. The snow was still falling, and the rose left on the tombstone before her was already covered in white powder.

"All harmless fun. I just get so worried about my friends!" Even so, Sombra was already getting bored. Amélie's background had been easy enough to gather since day one. The dead man being visited by his wife/murderer – now, while that might make some good drama for a trashy telenovela, Sombra had seen it all before.

"He will not appreciate it."

"Then I guess what he doesn't know won't hurt him."

A wink and a wave, and she was satisfied to see Widowmaker's grimace. Even for an emotionless killing machine, she sure did get touchy.

It's been known that ghosts haunt either a certain a place, or a certain person. Unfulfilled, unsatisfied, or regretful, a ghost's existence is nothing short of tragic.

In Reaper's case, it is a person he haunts.

When he made it back to Talon, he emerged from the shadows, nothing of him substantial but the white mask he wore. It's fascinating, really, to see him like that. To gather enough of himself to put up with the illusion.

(Or maybe he really does exist like this? Does he pull bits of his soul together at every moment, giving it enough substance so that he can walk as this broken shell?)

"You miss him?"

Quick turn, trigger cocked. He aimed the barrel at her forehead, not even an inch away. It's a work of art, the way he moved. His jacket outstretched like the dark wings of a bird, and though she would never admit it, it's a movement she herself wants to mimic well enough, someday.

She could already smell the gunpowder, and worked inside her head the image of the recoil that would push them both back. Huh. Maybe Widowmaker had a point before. But the sight of him aiming the gun at her only made her laugh.

"Are you trying to get yourself killed?" he asked, annoyed. He didn't put the gun down though.

"Just wanted to wish you a Feliz Navidad." Her eyes then widened with a flourish, all excited and eager. "And to show you something!"

He was uneasy, that much she could tell. Reaper made the slightest grunt as he lowered his weapon. It gives her enough room to breathe, gives her time to appreciate the pulse in her neck. Biting her lower lip, she pulled up a mini projection of a young man, in the midst of what could be assumed to be his family. A wife, a son, probably a pet back home just to fill in the quota. They are in the throes of a city, the rain pouring, but their faces so sickeningly bright.

Reaper's fists clenched suddenly. His guns are gone, but that means fuck all, because she can hear the claws of his gauntlets scrape against the leather. "Where did you get that?"

"Around." Then she closed out the image, leaving nothing between her and Reaper. "So, you miss him?"

A moment more, and then he towered over her. A hulking shadow, a silhouette cut-out that painted black against the building.

"I can give you what you want, you know," she said, her tone all business, but her heartbeat suggesting anything but. "Where he works, what he eats for lunch, what baseball team he roots for – all those little things that no one else would really care about. But then, Gabe, you are a family man, after all."

In her line of work, much of her hacking comes with routine guessing, with trial and error. And whether due to her skills or luck, she's more right with her experimentation than wrong.

Reaper was doubting her. Perhaps he was thinking of raking those claws of his against her face, or dragging her over to an interrogation room to weasel out the rest of her information. Ghosts were vengeful after all, but ghosts were also desperate.

And poor thing, he didn't even have the advantage that other ghosts have. He couldn't even go through walls – or doors.

"You're a liar," he told her, spitting it out like acid to her face. Even she had to admit, that hurt a teensy bit.

"Now, why would I ever lie to you?" With a sharp inhale, she stepped forward, her face up to his, then past, so that her lips hovered just where her ears might be. "What if I told you that his name was…?"

As she thought, ghosts were desperate.

Why else would they stick around?

Talon had cameras everywhere, but even they would have been unable to tell if anything changed. And on the surface, nothing did. Reaper still growled out everything he said, and Widowmaker looked at everyone and everything with the greatest of distaste, probably wanting to suck some blood out of the other operatives or whatever hobbies she was into. Sombra wouldn't judge. Unfortunately, this meant that she would never have another girlfriend over for breakfast. Good thing she wasn't a morning person. And even better, she had a new best friend.

Reaper, in so many little, silent ways, begged for her information.

It was how he stood next to her in their missions, the sudden silence he would foster when Sombra jabbed at him time and again. It was the way she'd call him up on the receiver, having a stakeout at some boring-as-fuck watchpoint and whine "Gabe! I'm lonely," and then he'd easily come right on over to keep her company. He always followed her demands right down to the point.

At 3 in the morning, when she was bored, he'd come with her for a midnight snack. Hack the vending machine for some chips, and she'd feed him the very last place their person of interest when to the day before. When Talon's paycheck was low one week, she'd call him up for a little borrowing, and her payment to him would be this store that man went to last week. A toy store, to be exact. In the baby section actually. Maybe he was shopping for a little one on the way? Or for just some distant niece's birthday. Did Reaper know anyone like that?

"Just stick to the facts," he said to her one time, deeply furious – but that was all.

His door remained open, and when she was particularly struck by ennui, or needed a place for some shade, she'd walk in, make herself home in one of his armchairs and take in the bareness of the room. "Not even a photograph?" she quipped one time. "You're getting old, you might forget things one day."

And he'd stand there, and he'd take it, and she'd trail her eyes over his chest, to the shells strapped around them, to the bulletproof casing that molded over him. That wasn't surprising, you could kill ghosts multiple times – the trick was to keep them dead in the first place.

"Now you're just being stupid." Widowmaker had cornered her down a hall one day – the one time that Sombra didn't prepare a backdoor. Well, that's what happened when she ran on soda and code the night before. It had been months since she had felt this invested.

"Are you going to say that I'm spinning myself a web of lies?" she said with a grin.

"Shut up." There was a hitch in her voice, along the nature of Reaper's growl, but sibilant, more grounded. "In case you haven't noticed, he is not very forgiving."

Hand on her hip, Sombra thought it over. "You know, I wonder why you're even bothering this much. I thought you didn't care? Oh!" She tsked and grinned. "Maybe you wanted him for yourself? Is that it? A nice strong man after you slit the other's-"

"I don't care." There came that hiss again. Lethal, very sensuous even. Sombra would need to learn to pull off something like that someday. "I'm just not looking forward to the mess."

A tilt of her head, a shrug of her shoulders, and Sombra walked past. "You're in the wrong line of work, amiga."

Not all her information was true.

She suspected that Reaper knew this. But the tricky part was finding the lie. It's a nice game, she thinks. Find the lie within the truth, which was hard to do in practice. Sometimes it was safer just to accept all of it, which Reaper did.

The man went to the countryside today, she told him. Oh, or maybe to the city? He took out a recent investment in this startup company. Or maybe he just sold it all to better clear his head of financial troubles. He worked in manufacturing… or customer support. Maybe both. He also liked chocolate ice cream the best, except for that one time it was cupcake batter. He was allergic to pineapple, yet he bought a skin cream with that ingredient last week.

The information was contradictory, obviously so. Of course Reaper knew it, and of course he could barely do a thing about it. Did this man have new connections? Some important government officials? Now isn't that an eye opener? Gabe, amigo, are you worried about him?

She already knew what the man was to Reaper – such intel was as simple as a web search, just one not open to the public. It's one part of the information that was for sure as true and pure as the summer rain, and the way Reaper would silently stare her down as she recited the man's routine for day only confirmed for her of its purity.

Really, he was such a sad man. It's enough to make any woman's heart aflutter, to want to save him from the depths of his own little brooding darkness. Well, that's not what she had in mind, but she could play the part if she needed to.

One time, however, he had grown fed up with her tells. Here she was, being the best friend he could ever hope to have, and while she may have stalled, commenting on their crepes, a rare courtesy food from Talon ("Really kind of sweet, you know? Ay, have a bite, come on!"), and he was appreciating none of it. Instead he pounded a fist against the breakfast table, stood up, with the faintest of red seeping out of the holes of that mask, that stark white mask ready to swoop down at her at the faintest movement.

"Enough with the fucking games. It's been more than half an hour, and you've told me nothing!"

"Oh, relajate. I'm just getting there. It's called building-up, you know." She finished her meal, brushing crumbs from her cheek. "Those tantrums of yours will kill you one day, Gabe-"

"Do not call me that."

That gave her pause, just for a second. Her laugh was airy. She propped her feet up on the chair that Reaper had occupied before. "Aww, pobrecito. You're really hurting, huh? Wanna talk it out with me? Have a crying session together?"

Her breath caught for a second, the gravel that was his voice traveling through her spine. "Come to me when you have something worthwhile to tell me."

Reaper stalked off, his form melting into smoke, into thick clouds like a thunderstorm, brewing within the facility.

(Pfft. Melodramatic for an old man).

She gave him three days to cool off before she became worried.

Could he have gotten the intel from someone else? Discovered more by himself? For a wraith-like abomination, he was rarely that sneaky. No, she was still valuable to him.

But a little checking-in never hurt anyone.

Her trackers in his room didn't tell her much. Reaper was rarely in half the time, and the place was always dark. After her visits, she knew that much. It was practically her second home.

His bed was sparse, and his drawers were empty except for some papers. It was little slept-in, that much she could tell. Like the crying woman by the river, he haunted the world more than rested.

(A stiff bed. How boring).

She laid in it immediately, arms behind her head, right leg crossed over the other as she stared up at the ceiling. Not even much in the way of sound besides the hum of her camo. Maybe she was taking too much of his savings? He clearly needed a new mattress.

She had the master plan of waiting for him in his room, like real friends did! Her friend in Russia had been so pleasantly surprised, surely Gabe would feel the same. But at least she could get comfy.

Just a blanket, one soft enough for her to ease her back. Her hands reached out to the side, instantly pulling it over. But. It was tough. The material creaked, and nowhere near as pliant as blankets should be.

(His jacket).

So. He had left this here.

Her nails stroked against it. She scrunched up the hood between her palms, felt the hem brush against her thighs. It was warm. Strange. Warm like fire, heated against her skin. As if he had just worn it seconds ago.

(It's torn).

That was a given. The back of it was frayed, and she flashbacked to the mech that had flung him aside back at Volskaya. What a shame. You couldn't get these threads just anywhere.

She put it on. Sombra never neglected treating herself.

The coat was heavy, pressing down on her. It felt like she had just gotten out of the water with all her clothes on. Packed with two shotguns and expensive belts, yeah, no wonder Gabe was a tromping monstrosity.

The sleeves of the jacket dwarfed her arms, and the hood fell over her eyes. It didn't fit her look, but she liked it still. The way it engulfed her like a black shroud, how it made her feel all mysterious. Gabe was such a weirdo.

But hey, "De pelos," she whispered. She'd make her own set if she could.

Then the shadows next to the bed shifted.

Was there a way to take back every thought you ever had about someone? Well, maybe not all. Reaper still liked all that mystery shit. What better way to say that than to creep around in your own fucking room, waiting for someone to come in, and not take one fucking breath? But ghosts don't need to breathe. So really, it was her fault to begin with.

Sombra raised her head, and Reaper was this solid thing, a silhouette against the wall, a smoke that passed through her throat. His jacket was still heavy. She bent her knees, feeling the leather fall around her, over her hips, between her thighs, gathering in folds around her neck. Submerged, suffocated, hot.

(It's hot, the way he looks at me).

She had pushed too far, played too much with the matches. Like that little girl, she had stumbled into forbidden territory and was caught like a deer in the headlights. There was all this information, staring at her right in the face, and she didn't know what to make of it.

There was the scent of rot and decay, of cologne, of sweat. But he wasn't doing anything to her.

She reached out, tapped her finger against his nose. She was surprised to find something solid.

"Boop."

Instantly she teleported away. Backdoors are always important, after all.

She could barely breathe.

Another three days passed, and she didn't leave her room.

For a hacker, Sombra didn't keep much about herself hidden. Nothing except her name. And that was only because that girl was dead. The dead don't really have much to give.

However, that's an opinion she found herself reassessing. She was looking through her video feeds, the ones she hacked through Talon's surveillance system. Nothing interesting besides other agents, a few illicit activities here and there, but barely anything worth even a feigned yawn. She had to do away with it before she looked through her own resources – the secret entrances she made to other satellites, the several trackers she sent out, the email servers she'd broken through to find that man's communication. Nothing much, nothing much at all. How could someone so boring attract Reaper's attention? Ay, some old men loved being an enigma.

Sure, she may have known Gabe's past, his own downfall, and the scattering ties of his family, but that didn't tell her anything. There was a ghost here, and it mourned, and she wanted to find out why – really, truly, why.

And his face.

This night, she didn't lock her door.

It barely mattered anyway. All that was worth stealing was hidden within her augments, within the folds of her brain. She flexed her hand, watching the wires injected flex along with her. It had been a while since her last tune-up, but some things needed to be on the backburner. The screen was too bright now, her snacks were dwindling, and the shadows were thick.

She waited a long time.

The way the door banged against the wall still made her flinch. Her heart crawled up her esophagus, and even though she wanted to scream, all she could do was smile. She was giddy and excited and terrified of the lurking creep in her doorway. The sensation was amazing.

"Gabe! Amigo! So you stopped sulking for me?"

She wasn't dressed in her usual outfit, down to her tanktop and pajama pants, though her implants within the shaved part of her head still glowed a soft violet. She still had her tools at the ready for anything, anything at all. Yet she remained seated, her legs crossed on her computer chair, hands staying taut within her lap.

It was the way he walked forward, ready to whisk her away down into the depths of the underworld. She figured that was why he dressed that way anyway – as one who was so obsessed with death and all its romantic imagery. Mysterious old man. "If you want, I can tell you a little more, for a price though. No hard feelings. A girl's gotta eat and look her best, and Talon ain't paying me enough for my manicures."

She flourished her hands before him, dangling long, flashing fingernails. The rush was running through her limbs, and none of that could be stopped, not even when he grabbed her by the shoulder, the claws pinching her skin. Her smile never faded when he pulled her to her feet and shoved her at a nearby wall.

Hard enough to jangle the wiring within her spine. Hard enough to send the flash of static through her eyes. Hard enough to draw an electric hum through her fingers, warm and painful and addictive.

Sombra laughed.

"What is wrong with you?" Reaper asked her, actually sounding disturbed.

"It's just really, really funny," she said through her giggles, breathing hard. "What can you even do to me?"

(You're just smoke and mirrors).

"You're insane," he breathed, then leaned forward, enough that she could feel his breath move through the slits of his mask. Warm, heady, and alive. "And a fucking tease."

His other hand reached for her neck and she offered it to him, but only after she could move closer to her mask. Nails scraped against its sides, pulled at its ridges, flipped it away to show the man beneath.

Rot and decay and cologne and sweat. She couldn't believe her luck.

"Gabe," she whispered, pressing one finger against his cheek. Oh, she hoped he hadn't messed up her inner wiring too bad. Through her eyes, she photographed this sight for memory, for recordkeeping, for possible blackmailing. (You never know).

The ghost moved closer to her, full of phantom pains, full of dull anger.

"What do you even want?" he asked her, keeping his hands where they were.

She pulled at his jacket. "Everything you got."

(Pour all you have into me and never let me go).

[cwkrp]

have a little imagination, will you?

INTRODUCING   eun hasoo, she/her, 02/05/95 COURSING   ma in fine arts AFFILIATION   vela ANNOTATIONS   n/a

a note from the past.

TOKEN.

[An incandescent spotlight is cast at the center of the proscenium arch, just far enough away to curtain the feminine silhouette that resides in the shadows. The chalk that littered her satin ballet slippers waft around her ankles as her clavicle gently raises, a breath is stolen amongst the silence. With a graceful lift of her fingers and the strong port de bras, the stage is illuminated to reveal her. An adagio tempo is brewed as the block in her slippers kisses the wood beneath her, resisting as she leaps amongst the panels.]

At the tender age of fifteen, she enters The Korean National Ballet Theatre as an apprentice, half from the talent that taints her and half from the way she can hollow her cheeks out around the director’s thumb.

[Guiding her leg up, her toe leads the rest of the tight circles until her développé is pointed towards the ceiling. Chest forward, she gracefully raises her arms to match the lengthening structure her body has created.]

The starry-eyed girl tastes fame in the form of principle dancer; she’s seventeen. But her tongue is dipped in silver because her accomplishments do not come purely from labor. Rather, antagonizing the original star, the title is forfeited into the hands of the petal cheeked liar. The director, twice her age, proposes to her a year after. She accepts.

[The first fouette is attempted as the block kisses the inner part of her knee, and she attempts another, and another, and another.]

But he soon gets involved in multiple affairs, exploiting young dancers seeking to enter the industry. He chooses a new girl. He chooses a younger girl. But the young apprentice does not harbor even half the talent as she, yet becomes his new fixation.

[As the denouement threatens to arrive, she carefully extends her leg back and places it gently. The nervous fingers of an apprentice hesitate, but before she can allow a breath to escape, she yanks the knot free. With a quick whistle through the pianissimo resolve, a set piece whips down from the walkway as a metal rod plummets from the fly space above and finds itself colliding into her ankle with a slick clang.]

And she cannot utter a noise as her body is trapped as much as her voice. An accident, they say. A crime, she screams. With that, she is stripped of every ounce of who she was. Of who she could have been.

Sure, she can still walk. But what was the point when she no longer wanted to live.

STEREOTYPE.

A deeper turquoise than Tiffany, yet vibrant as the original hue. She, the true definition, the epitome of all that glitters is not gold. Although it would be reasonable to attribute her cold, enigmatic personality to the accident, she had always been an apathetic and aloof individual. Born to a mother who’s laugh amounted to all the riches of Daisy Buchanan, she herself knew from a young age that men were a putrid species. But they could surely open a few doors, if you could open yours.

[Infant fingers clutch the edge of the wood as a pair of saucers holding coffee and a spoonful of cream peer through the gap, eyeing the first instance of the cacophony of pleasure that is derived from animalistic instinct. There’s a hand gripped at her mother’s throat, and another on her bare hip which belong to the monstrous shadow that lurks over her. Fear is instilled upon the child as she is scrutinized instantly the moment her mother’s eyes meet her own. The next few weeks, they are visited by a man who provides them with necessities she does not find of need, but her mother surely does.]

Much like the performer she was, she is able to capture a rather demure and elegant demeanor when amongst company. A candy apple red smile, and careful navy nails that rake back a strand of hair behind her ear. Quiet, but calculating. In every essence, she displays the authentic tongue of a true con, an individual full of deceit with only gain to obtain through those she exploits. Even as a child, her mouth was full of lies, concealing her vulnerability behind a veil of cotton through innocence. This was her power, the key to her success and accomplishment.

[His thumb is raked along her coral pink pout, before her lips part and murmur an unreadable and mute string of words that seem barely coherent even to the other. She tilts her head, leaning the plush of her cheek into his palm, feigning trust, everlasting. Hiking herself up onto the counter, her pleated skirt riding up to reveal her marble thighs, she gave herself away to the owner of the musk cologne as she held the gaze of a girl residing just meters away. The ends of her lips curled as horror plagued the girl’s face, watching in silence as the individual she deemed her world fucked the perpetrator of a home wreckage.]

The person people knew her as, was not her true self. And with the caution she had taken, for years on end to contain that self, forced her to forget who that even was. Rather, she painted the portrait of an entity, an idea, and not a true person. Although she does not want to see herself as so, she is essentially a bitch in sheep’s clothing.

a color for the present.

GREEN.

It is innately human to feel. And many times, she had pondered if she was truly human when all she could derive from every experience, every touch, every memory – was a vague numbness that washed over her.

Peers described the cloying needs of satisfaction through praise and appreciation from their parents, but those words never left her mother’s mouth. She imagined they never even came to her mother’s mind. Not when the last conversation they held that was more than five or so words was several months ago.

Honestly, she can barely remember what the conversation – for lack of a better term – was even about.

Girls would whisper amongst one another the fervent longing of lips and tangled fingers through their own, through their hair. Of which, she did not understand even after she kissed and touched every boy they ever named, and a few girls that had questionably allowed themselves to fall for her. Even the homeroom teacher could not offer any solace to this feeling she had longed to experience.

When she watched foreign films and their description of raw agony via heartbreak, she knew she could never experience such an emotion, because love was a fraud. This, alone, being the only valuable thing her mother could have taught her. In all her trivial thoughts, the one thing she cannot tear her fixation away from is emotion and empathy. In many, but unspoken ways, she wonders if feeling is better than not feeling at all.

BLUE.

[The abhor expression divulges perhaps that the acrid, copper pool that resides in her throat as a temporary denizen is whisking her towards consciousness. The pristine, sanitary pungency coerces her to choke as her numb body convulses in reaction. In the corner, her mother has her legs crossed as her foot rocks a heel that hangs from her toes. Impatience riddles her feigned, placid expression.]

“It’s broken.”

But she didn’t need to say so. The permanency condemned her, and she confined herself to the hospital bed like an obligation, a promise, a religion.

[Fingers curled around the silver pole of her fluid bag’s stand, the spring breeze kissed her hair back over her shoulders. A nurse that passes by instructs that as soon as the sun sets, she head back in. Her immune system isn’t strong enough for her to linger in the cold. It has been months, and she has hardly had solid food. Recovery and rehabilitation have gradually slowed down due to her dazed state. The timbre of heels on asphalt travel towards her as a waft of smoke calls her attention, her eyes following the menthol of meet her mirror, her mother. She takes a deep inhale of her cigarette before tossing an envelope into her daughter’s lap. Tracing her index over the cellophane window, she glanced up at the woman silently.]

Her mother’s new interest was a man who happened to be on the board of admissions at Seoho. And like she had always been taught, men open doors as long as you can open yours. In bold print on thick, heavy paper was her name on an acceptance letter she never claimed.

“Go ahead, jump.”

[Back against the door frame of the stairwell that led to the rooftop, her mother taunted her as her feeble fingers clung loosely to the edge of the building. Flinching, she turned in shock, realizing she was no longer alone in her solace. In her system was a cocktail of Ambien, Prozac, and Xanax. The numbness perpetuated, as it always had, but this time even her thoughts were foggy. Hesitation reveals itself as she crumples back onto the rooftop, sobbing uncontrollably.]

But she should have taken the chance when she had it.

[theescaperoute]

Calling people illogical

To describe something or someone as illogical or irrational is to describe them as being not logical or rational, respectively. To use such a descriptor, you must have an established sense of what those things mean for them to be meaningful.

Logic, used in the informal sense here, is the study of the form of arguments, by which premises are established and conclusions concluded from them. Rationality is the quality of being reasonable; generally, an argument which is logically both valid (where the premises do lead to the conclusion) and sound (if the premises are actually true) is likely to be reasonable, but reasonableness is a more subjective quality.

In any case, something can seem reasonable but be illogical, and something which is logical can be irrational. For instance, the argument, you must like Ike because you like Ike, is logically valid. If you do indeed like Ike, it is also sound, although if you don’t like Ike, it is still valid because if you did like Ike, then the conclusion that you like Ike would be true. This is a tautology (see again our invitation to tautology club).

If I were to argue that you are so ugly that you repulse others, and therefore others would be happier without your presence, and therefore you’d be better off dead such is the ubiquity of your presence somewhere at some time, and additionally, persons repulsed by you will be repulsed by all others sharing the same trait (being very ugly), so the rest of us will be happier if all the very ugly people were herded into a rocket and fired into the sun, my argument would be both valid (the form of the argument works) and, if you were in fact hideous, would also probably be sound. However, it may not be reasonable; whether it is irrational is up for debate. This would lead us to other questions, such as the factors that justify or defend your existence, which leads us to questions on the nature of morality and ethics, &c. ad nauseam.

The point being that calling someone irrational or illogical because they disagree with you is fucking stupid. You imply that you are right and the other is wrong when it is unlikely that you have done anything to logically or rationally establish that you, in fact, are. It’s, most likely, an ego-driven statement in which you assert that you are right and clever while having no sound reasoning to believe you are, beyond that it feels good to reassure yourself that you must be right. It is not a general insult to throw around, especially given that it is most likely that you are, in fact, of similarly poor reasoning abilities as your target, and if not in the context in dispute, in some other.

To call someone’s argument illogical asserts that their logic used in constructing that argument is flawed, such as if they confuse necessity and sufficiency. To call someone illogical asserts that their means of reasoning is always or usually illogical, which can easily become a case of the genetic fallacy. To call someone’s argument irrational could imply that they or their argument are illogical or not (such is its use in English, it usually contains illogic); it could also imply that their reasoning which established their premises falls short of reality along some epistemological or ethical grounds or something like that. It, potentially, gives every party a solid basis to affirm or refute - not just reject - and work towards a holistic and impartial understanding of what is actually true.

If I were to call you a rotund, flatulent git, you would probably take it to be the slight that it is. Whether or not you are any of those three things matters not because, if we infer the most likely explanation for such phrasing to be employed, the point is to call you insulting names, not to establish fact from which reasonable conclusions can be drawn. If I were to call you a fatuous wazzock with the wit of a hollowed-out tabloid and a face like a melted Wellington, you might take that more descriptive slander to mean that I found you an unfunny and ugly dunderpate, but it is clear from the general form of what I said and by its context that the point is to insult you. The point is not even to make a point beyond the fact I don’t like you; I am not crafting an argument which is also insulting but nonetheless properly presented as an argument. I am calling you names.

On the other hand, to be logical and rational is the foundation upon which all knowledge is built, of every kind, in every field, in every way, at all, ever. If politics is applied philosophy and sociology, which is applied psychology is applied biology is applied chemistry is applied physics is applied maths, maths is built on the most fundamental ideas of formal logic. Without logic, from which reason is derived and applied, you know absolutely nothing. Knowledge is meaningless. Science and the scientific method are meaningless. Everything is utter shit in the absence of logic. Including you. Especially you.

In calling someone irrational or illogical, you challenge the fundamental ideas of knowledge. You challenge the only meaningful way of understanding the entire universe (first person to mention a sky fairy gets a slap). You challenge the ultimate concept of what can ever be true or untrue, right or wrong. Opinions are not created equal. Facts are not created equal either, as most are imperfect or incomplete, and most of the contenders to be facts that parade as facts are not facts at all because they’re full of shit told by lying liars that lie. You invoke just about the only thing that demonstrably and universally matters in all of reality. You invoke the thing that an overwhelming majority of people don’t have the most rudimentary understanding of, which perhaps explains quite how incredibly stupid, short-sighted, hateful, narrow-minded, self-righteous, self-contented, uninsightful, unoriginal and incredibly unaware of all of the preceding, a massive, overwhelming number of people are.

Given just how much in the world could be better given how much of the preceding were less true than it is, and given how unlikely it is that you (yes, you) have the most rudimentary grasp of how knowledge actually works as mentioned, maybe next time you are tempted to throw the words irrational or illogical around, I propose three alternatives which I believe will almost certainly lead to better results for all involved:

1. Disengage. In a moment of humbleness, remember that no-one really cares about your opinion and in the grand scheme of things, you are, deep down, unknown by others, not loved like you want to be loved, alone, and insignificant. You stand only to gain the respect or hatred of people who probably don’t matter much and probably don’t deserve respect themselves. Appreciate how little you matter and that you will be remembered after you die, most likely, as thoroughly unexceptional if objectively compared to anyone else, which is nothing to be proud of. Knowledge is the only meaning in life with any consistent aspirational direction, and you appreciate that you have far too little of it to think it’s your place to teach others and waste your time on such endeavours as human conflict, when you could instead be doing something you like which isn’t harmful to others, like sitting down and watching the sky. Pledge your commitment to non-conflict, agree to disagree, and flee the scene.

2. Adopt knowledge and the scientific method as your lord and saviour. Praise jibbers. Resolve to surpass your ego, gain self-awareness and gain understanding, not by what pleases you, but what actually is true. Learn to investigate not what you want to hear, not what you wish were true, not even what you think at the time would lead to a better world, but to hear conflicting ideas and forever expand your knowledge and mind to finally, perhaps, comprehend, in some small part, the logical, rational, best way to proceed. By then, you will understand what it is to be logical and rational and this blag will be long left behind. Accept that the most intelligent and honest answer to almost any question you find in your life, is ‘I don’t know’. Your reward along the way will be the realisation that, although you don’t get as many occasions to make yourself feel right and clever, you are closer to being right in a meaningful way than just about anyone you come across.

3. Just shut the fuck up.