#but I'm simply not willing to trust that someone willing to bargain a different person's life and freedom

[rivilu]

Watched absolution because I saw a certain spoiler and was intrigued, loooonggg post of spoilers and thoughts under the cut

Are we are really surprised the supercop zealot is bioware's canon divine? lmao.

I generally liked the cast of characters quite a lot, Roland Lacklon and Qwydion most of all, Miriam is cool too, just not top spot for me. she's like. Number 4 on my list. Of surviving characters that is.

Rip Fairbanks. Made the rookie Ser Jory mistake of mentioning his loving wife more than once within the intro of the series. You will be missed.

The writers really said make them think we will finally switch up the Mage Is Always The 'Traitor' reveals (that aren't even true for games 1 and 2 but the joke is marketable so who cares for accuracy right) but then just do the same thing again. I have a feeling they think they are playing 4d chess when really it's just predictable.

The action was well executed and I liked the romance with Roland and Lacklon, it was cute :)

The show handled Tevinter better than I expected but my expectations were subterranean so that doesn't mean much.

Still don't care for the way bioware deals with blood magic. With Dorian we finally had a smart opinion on it [that the writers didn't try to stamp out or treat as stupid, sorry Merrill]- that it's simply a tool as long as there's no victims, but here we backpedal again into the narrative going 'anyone that even THINKS of blood magic is and always will be evil full stop'. Yes we're talking about a Magister here i'm not defending Rezaren in specific I'm just weary of how they'll treat it going forward.

Speaking of the guy, he was fine as a villain. pretty decent portrayal of a guy whose position of power deludes him into thinking his goal is noble and righteous no matter what, even to the detriment of the people he's supposedly trying to help, because well. He never saw them as people in the first place. 'Family' maybe, whatever that's supposed to mean to him, but still property. Things he gets to do whatever he wants to do with.

Miriam using his harrowing as an example of a moment he chose not to defend her or her brother though, is kinda meh. Bc girl, he was actively trying and failing not to get possessed, his mother's the one to blame for that specific instance and you KNOW it, I know we had to see that scene for exposition but i'm peeved jdshfjd I bet there were maaany more backstory examples of him being shit to choose from anyhow.

There was an Attempt at moral grayness at least two times in the show, with Tassia and Hira, and they are both... interesting.

Tassia imo does it better, as as the knight commander she can be safely [and firmly] put in the villain box, but the added levels of grey with her caring for her people's safety, opposing the venatori etc make her interesting to watch in a way where I may not be rooting for her but I don't want her to die either, yanno? She's a bit like if Aveline were an anti-villain, and actually decently well written at that. She gets spot 5 of my list.

Now Hira. Is a prisoner of that good ol Mage Betrayal Russian Roulette. I'd seen a small spoiler about her being up to no good before watching, but even without that, when Fairbanks stabbed her I could just SNIFF that red herring. Again, the writers may think they're playing 4d chess but I know not making a mage (or more) the villain, is to them what apples are to doctors. Then her motivation is just. Not convincing to me. Her family was influential tevinters that wanted to improve conditions for the oppressed, then they were killed and/or ran out the country by the venatori for it. so... she jumps right to ethnic cleansing as the solution?

(And I do mean right to it. She did go to the inquisition first but that's what she wanted to get out of it.)

Collateral damage is a funny way of referring to innocent people's lives queen!

Idk something about that feels familiar. Betrayal, a mage that jumps to genocide, yet said mage is somehow granted more lenience by the narrative than that stance should EVER allow? Because here's the thing. no matter HOW fucked a country is, how terrible the politics and power structures are, 'wiping the country out' IS NEVER A MORALLY GREY THING. IT'S AS BLACK AS IT GETS. it is the power structure itself that must be targeted. (you know, the thing Anders tried to do and gets eternally condemned for?) Wanting to massacre an entire population is not an opinion that's up for discussion, it is not worthy of redemption, and it should not be written as if it is. This pattern of character writing is just. Concerning to me. Some of the characters with the most morally bankrupt stances being passed off as grey. And I could get far deeper into it here, nearly did in fact, but It's a tad too late in the night for a 5 page essay on fantasy and real world politics intersection. I'll just leave it at ''bioware's centrism is doing what centrism does best and blinding them to their world's actual political power dynamics and I think it's going to bite them in the ass sooner or later''

But enough of that, let's try to get back to something funny shall we?

The cheese jokes. Bioware please, the horse, stop, stop it's already dead!

(i dont actually mind but that was my original reaction so here you go sdfhjs)

Dragon cool. Like that it stays alive.

ok, sorry that's all I got. We have to tackle the elephant in the room now folks and i'm afraid I am not optimistic.

So. Meredith motherfucking Stannard is still alive and kicking. And while I can completely understand why people are excited, AN ACTUALLY GOOD VILLAIN IS BACK, WOOHOO! -i just can't help but think. When? When will this plot thread be handled? Because as much as I wish the titular character of dreadwolf would drop dead by act one, I highly, highly doubt it hjsdfjf. And if she can't be the main villain, or at least what Howe was to Loghain, then I don't want her to be in da4. Because that game has SO MUCH SHIT to tackle, with Elven Gods and Titans, the egg and also Antiva and the Qunari now for some fucking reason? Frankly I don't think they can even do THIS sum of things justice in a single game, unless things with the gods take a different turn and they aren't what solas said/villains for us to fight (please I hate the slavery thing so fucking much just for once retcon something to the benefit of religious minorities bioware i'm fucking BEGGING) so adding Meredith to the mix is not something I can picture working out. I don't want to get excited for her to be back (She was the spoiler that got me to watch the series) only to have it be a repeat of the templar/mage war in inq where she's lukewarmly taken out by act 1.

Also before I do an all in all, we all got that Hira is getting Played right. Like I dont like her much(at all), as stated previously, but she's still a mage. working for Meredith motherfucking Stannard. Is it too early to call her eventually dying from that dumbass decision orrr..? Because yes girly, she also wants to genocide your home country, but she has VERY different reasons from you and you're almost guaranteed to be first on the chopping block the moment the red lyrium cracks. (i dont find this bullet point bad writing btw this is just razzing the characters for fun jhsdj)

ok so all in all. the show's alright. I highlighted more of the bad than the good here because anything past da2 has that effect on me sadly, but the characters do Carry as per usual. And i'd say it's worth a watch for the action shots alone. Some of my fears of Bioware's direction were confirmed, and i am still not at all enthused about da4, but if a season two comes out I'll probably watch it. unnecessarily long post over, adiós.

[leonawriter]

I remember a fair few times lately when it's been brought to my attention how Sonoko is one of the few people Kaito could theoretically connect with about magic... and here he is, on her balcony.

I thought I'd give this its own post, because honestly? Yeah, they deserve it.

We start out by seeing this scene which... could almost be reminiscent of Romeo and Juliet. Or Superman at Lois' balcony. There's a sort of coding here, especially since she's in her nightgown, that it's an illicit tryst.

That wouldn't be entirely wrong, considering he's asking her to be his accomplice for the heist!

She outright passes her one-of-a-kind dress over the bathroom stall partition to Kid, who is waiting on the other side, as part of her bet that "will Makoto-san be able to tell when it's me and when it's you?"

But let's look past that. Let's ignore Makoto-san for a minute and look just at Sonoko and Kaito.

There we go!!

I'm fascinated and drawn in by the way Kaito is sitting patiently and calmly with his legs crossed on there. His hands are by his sides, and he's looking up, but he looks like he's talking. Sonoko herself is blushing as she pushes the dress over the stall.

I find it easy to imagine the two of them discussing the bet here. "Will he recognise me, or won't he?" - Kaito could be reassuring her, since she doesn't look discouraged. But they could also be quite simply discussing the tricks involved, which is my personal favourite theory here, given the way he looks so relaxed, as well as his smile.

How often d'you think he gets to have an assistant who's so willing to work with him? Who is interested in the mechanics of magic?

And, as I'd said in a previous post, this here is Sonoko at her best, and most critical of him - she wants to see him at his best, but she also doesn't want to see him succeed. She wants to see him fail! He knows that!

If anything, I think that this helps them connect on a far more equal level.

Which puts this moment in a different light.

Sonoko wants Makoto to win because he's her boyfriend. She wants Kid to win because she looks up to him and respects his abilities. The two are equal in her mind, while being different things.

In fact, I'd say this is Kaito, having seen Sonoko cheering loudly for him so many times by now, stating as clearly as is possible for him that a) you can't control what people feel (he's been the subject of someone trying that, thanks Akako) and b) Sonoko... was never fully romantically in love with him in the first place. That was all Makoto's territory, that Kaito's not interested in going near.

And yet, at the end, Sonoko holds up her end of the bargain with him, because as said above, she cares about both of these people... just in different ways.

All in all, the case provided actual character development for both Sonoko AND Makoto, thanks to Kid.

Sonoko gets to be shown accepting that her feelings for Kid aren't the same as her feelings for Makoto, and Makoto is told (whether he internalises it or not is another story) that Kid isn't his love rival.

It also softens down the sense of Sonoko being someone who's basically trying to double-date whenever she's seen screaming after Kaitou Kid in any future heist - it isn't like with Kogoro simping for Yoko-chan and leaving his wife behind so much as her appreciating Kid on different terms...

Although given she's still Sonoko, she'll probably still take some enjoyment and thrills out of seeing "two dashing young men fight over [her]" no matter what.

But at that point, after all this, it's then Makoto's responsibility to trust in her, not her responsibility to... not be her idol's biggest fan.

[thelawyerthatwaspromised]

The lawyer that was promised : that post of yours where you argue that Jon's "using" Daenerys to get her North was really good. I hated reading it because I'm Jonaerys all the way, but it was really well thought and I had to ponder for a while before I could answer. Still, I came up with a few things: I wouldn't say Dany is being "evil" in that cave. I think she "believe' Jon in the sense that she believe there's "something" North of the Wall; she just doesn't really get how serious it is. Not

@tatticstudio55 I’ll paste the rest of your ask here because it’s really very reasonable and warrants a response:

The lawyer that was promised : that post of yours where you argue that Jon’s “using” Daenerys to get her North was really good. I hated reading it because I’m Jonaerys all the way, but it was really well thought and I had to ponder for a while before I could answer. Still, I came up with a few things:

I wouldn’t say Dany is being “evil” in that cave. I think she “believe’ Jon in the sense that she believe there’s “something” North of the Wall; she just doesn’t really get how serious it is. Not to mention there’s still a wall between them and the WW (at that point, at least). As she say to him herself in ep 6, “If we hadn’t gone I wouldn’t have seen it. You have to see it to know”. There’s believing, and then there’s knowing. So, evil? I don’t know. I’d say “naive”. If Dany truly understood the threat, she’d be willing to fight in the North with or without Jon’s allegiance; or else, as Jon puts it, she’d be left with a graveyard to rule. It’s a lot easier for Cersei to wash her hands of the WW matter : she’s (likely) right when saying that if dragons and 3 armies can’t beat the Night King, it’s not her contribution that will tip the scale.

Now about Jon : as you said, he’s a smart fellow. He certainly understand that if Dany really wants the North, she’ll take it with or without him bending the knee. In the first episode of season 7, he can afford to ignore Cersei’s warning because the North might still stand a chance against her. But the North wouldn’t stand a chance against dragons, and neither does Cersei, which means that, as far as Jon knows, he’ll eventually be “asked” to bend the knee to Daenerys Targaryen one way or another. Essentially, Jon’s taking advantage of the fact that Dany won’t downright burn him alive for not kneeling to her, to try shoving into her head that the WW threat is real and urgent. I think it was you who pointed that, had he knelt right away, he’d be forced to enter Dany’s war against Cersei when there’s clearly no time for that - excellent point. My guess is, Jon probably accepted the fact that he’ll have to kneel to Dany one day; he’s just buying time and waiting (hoping) for her to switch her priorities before, so that the northerners, as you pointed out, won’t be dragged into a war that’s basically a waste of very precious time and resources. In his mind, bargaining for the North’s independence is out of the table. And that might explain his “sight’ at the end of ep 6, after Dany left his bedside. "What about those who swore allegiance to you” basically means Dany WAS considering giving the North his independence. Hearing her say that, Jon was probably like “shit, if only I had knew”. He kept it a secret from Davos, but then again, Dany kept it a secret from Tyrion, too, so I’m not sure what to make of that.

About the excursion North of the Wall : one thing people seem to forget is that Dany’s not the only one who has to be concerned with Cersei. I can see only one reason why the Lannister wouldn’t attack the North in season 7, and that is, they already have their hands full with Dany. Get Dany out of the picture and the North is in big shit. So the armistice Dany wants so much could definitely benefit Jon as well - more than Dany, actually, since Dany, if really necessary, could wipe out Cersei’s threat much quicker and easier than Jon. You said Jon had no reason to trust Cersei, but consider that he had MUCH less interaction (direct or otherwise) with her than with his other siblings. (Sansa points that out to him in the first episode) : he spend most of his time dealing with problems at the wall, north of the wall, or with the Bolton, not with Cersei’s sh**t.  Dany might want an armistice more, but the one who needs it most right now is Jon, not her. While Dany might be involuntarily “shielding” the North from Cersei at the moment, Westeros isn’t a straight line and the Lannister could find a way to invade the North while the northerners are busy dealing with the WW. On top of that, someone already pointed out that Jon wasn’t only bringing the wight to Cersei, he was bringing it to Kingslanding : just because Cersei is a whacko doesn’t mean everyone in KL is. If Jaime can abandon Cersei, anyone can.  So to say that the expedition North of the Wall was solely to get Dany North is a bit extreme, in my opinion. Although I agree that the Dany factor was definitely part of it.

Lastly, just a few things you said:

Ep 3 : “you better get to work, Jon Snow.” I don’t think Dany was “rushing” Jon to work, it was more about avoiding a question she didn’t know what to answer to.

Ep 7 : Dany didn’t say she wouldn’t go North if Cersei didn’t agree to an armistice. She said Viserion would have died for nothing (which is true). Also, when she’s saying “I can’t forget what I saw North of the Wall. And I can’t pretend that Cersei won’t take back half the country the moment I march North”, she only means that she’s in a no win situation. If anything, it sounds more like she’s saying she’ll go North anyway, while knowing very well that things with Cersei will turn to shit.

True, Jon doesn’t talk much about Dany. Then again, he didn’t talk much about Ygritte either. Nor about Arya or Sansa. Or Bran, or whatever. He doesn’t seem like much of a talker when it comes to things that matter to him on a more personal level.

In conclusion : objectively, Jon doesn’t have any particular reason to “resent” Dany, and bending the knee to her was, in his mind, an inevitability anyway. Brownies points if they’re on good terms.The loot train attack in ep 4 and the dragons vs WW in ep 6 made it clear that the WW represent a much bigger threat to Dany (regarding everything, including her claim to the throne) than the Lannister. Dany knows it, Jon knows it, and I’d say Jon knows that Dany knows it. At this point, an armistice with Cersei would’ve been convenient, but not absolutely necessary for Dany to fight the WW in the North, so all to say… nan, I don’t think Jon’s taking advantage of her affection for him.

You nearly had me convinced, though.

P.S Sorry for the grammar mistakes. English isn’t my first language XD

I am impressed with your comfort with English considering it’s not your first language! 

First, the good news: There’s plenty of time for you to reconsider and come fully onto our side! Haha

Forgive me if I don’t address every single point. I’m throwing this together over a lunch break. Now, onto your ask/response!

[ Dany in the cave being “evil” or “naive” ]

I largely agree with MOST of what you said here. The difference with my post was that the show DID indicate that she believed Jon. Maybe she doesn’t fully understand…but she shows some measure of understanding that there was a huge war with these supernatural ice beings thousands of years ago and now they are back. At the very least - she seems to believe Jon that they exist and clearly knows he has a significant fear of these creatures and she uses that as bargaining leverage. 

The difference between Jon and Dany is pronounced: to be an ally with Jon, he pretty much just requires that you be “living” because his mission is one that transcends traditional politics. To be an ally with Dany, you must swear fealty, even after she displays a partial belief that the world is facing an existential threat. It’s a bad look basically no matter what.

[ The armistice was necessary for Jon; not just for Daenerys ] 

I’ve heard this argument a few times and I simply find that this requires a lot more leaps in logic than my conclusion (that Jon Snow is on the wight hunt to secure the ceasefire strictly for Dany’s benefit). 

The reason I think my conclusion is far more likely is that it’s completely supported by Jon Snow himself. Not once does he bring up trying to secure a ceasefire with Cersei. Multiple times he makes the point that the wars for the Iron Throne don’t matter. 

He says while on the wight hunt that the only way Dany will fight for the North is if he bends the knee…which would seem to indicate that Jon doesn’t find think successfully completing the wight hunt will get Dany to come North. 

You are correct that there might be the indirect benefit of getting Jaime on board but this would point only to basically a lucky side effect because that’s certainly not what Dany had in mind for the ceasefire. 

[ Dany indicated she would go North but just expressed she was in a no-win situation ]

I just can’t get on board with that read of the situation. Essentially, you’re saying she would be going North with Jon without a ceasefire which is exactly the thing that Jon had been asking of her for the entirety of S7. If you believe she’s saying she’ll go North but feels it’s a no-win situation (and think she’s right) then you would also have to believe that she has more wisdom about the situation than Jon, since Jon had asked her multiple times to come North without caring whether there was a ceasefire. 

Further, if Jon sees no value in a ceasefire in the first place (and he’s shown that it’s not on his radar beyond thinking it might help secure Dany’s commitment to go North) because Cersei is completely untrustworthy…it’s hard to argue that Dany was right about any of this because we already know Cersei has betrayed the agreement.

[ Jon doesn’t talk about Dany but he doesn’t really ever talk about anything he cares about ]

It’s certainly true that Jon doesn’t routinely wax poetic but the idea that he never talks about what’s meaningful to him isn’t actually true - he just rarely has much opportunity. Jon’s arc has been almost constantly centered on his having to tirelessly pursue hugely significant objectives. Often while having to also make friends with former enemies and watching former friends turn into enemies.

There just hasn’t been much opportunity for leisurely talk. However, in those rare moments we HAVE gotten a glimpse of what Jon Snow cares about.

Before reuniting with Sansa, he was able to share those things with Sam. He talked about Ygritte (in hilariously unpoetic fashion), he talked about growing up with Robb…basically Sam was his outlet for personal discussions. With Ygritte he talked at length about Winterfell and Northern (”Southern” to Ygritte / “Northern” to Jon) culture and he was even fairly open discussing their physically intimate moments, even if it still was with his trademark reserve.

Then with Sansa, they spoke so openly about their past, their family, their shared goals. When on Dragonstone (and with LF) Jon keeps his calm and shows absolutely nothing personal except for when Sansa is brought up as a topic. With LF, it causes the most vicious reaction we see from Jon in all of S7. With Tyrion, a passing joke from an old friend triggers a thousand mile stare and causes Tyrion to immediately try to smooth over the exchange. With Theon, Sansa became the only reason a visibly emotional Jon decided not to kill a man with his bare hands. Sansa is the cause of Jon’s fury towards other men, and otalso the soothing balm to his aggression. 

I’ve seen it claimed (not by you) that Jon doesn’t really think much of anything of Sansa and they only bicker and that he’s relieved to go. Given how canonically vicious Jon can get in defending any perceived transgression against her name - and how emotionally calming she is in his mind (think of how suddenly she snaps him out of pummeling Ramsay and how she stands as the only reason he doesn’t kill Theon immediately upon reuniting with him) that idea that Sansa is not tremendously important to Jon just holds no water.

More to the point of your ask, in moments where Jon is not “hyper-mission-focused” he talks about Sansa, Winterfell, and his family. In moments that could easily have been used to show his personal affections for Daenerys, we never get that from him. If telling a love story, it’s absolutely imperative to have those moments with other characters. The absence of those moments has to be met with at least some feeling of ambiguity about Jon’s state of mind.

[ Your conclusion that Jon isn’t taking advantage of Dany’s affections ] 

I think the question of whether Dany prioritizes fighting the Night King or Cersei will be definitively answered in S8. My view is that it’s easy to use Dany going North as definitive evidence that she understands the big picture now…but that’s overlooking the fact that she was foolish to trust Cersei’s agreement as a matter of principle, she refused to forget about Cersei despite Jon’s wishes, and we KNOW that Cersei has already betrayed the deal.

The ceasefire plot’s purpose (IMO) was to postpone Dany’s inevitable and character-defining choice between seeing through the war with the Night King or abandoning the mission to seek revenge on Cersei. It’s hard for me to find any other purpose for showing Dany wrestling with the idea of pausing her invasion to face an existential threat. When a show places a character in her position of wanting two different things, it’s GOING to make her make a choice. Her choice will centered on this question: Is she willing to sacrifice her pursuit of revenge and power for the purpose of achieving a more significant goal when she hears that Cersei has betrayed the ceasefire?

For Dany, this will be her character-defining choice. The reason I see her making the wrong choice is that she’s already headed North with Jon with her ceasefire - and if she chooses “correctly” then nothing changes. From a storytelling perspective, that robs the significance of the choice of having any narrative impact. The only way she can go is the route that will impact the story, which is her abandoning the right choice for the choice that reveals what she really wants.

[anathemanonymous]

For those living in an abusive relationship:

DON'T BOTHER WAITING FOR ANYONE TO SAVE YOU

Why are we not allowed to talk openly about taboo situations like abuse? You've done your research. There are many forms and definitions of abuse. You admit to it. You want to expose it.

You post about it and are shamed into deleting it for the sake of his reputation. People you know see it and do6nt know how to respond. You are coming out of a closet of secret abuse. Sometimes you want to go back inside and feel normal even though its uncomfortable for you.

At your weakest, attorneys add insult to injury.

Courts are neutral but documents are forever.

And it's too late after you file your own seperation paperwork without any help, and screw it up while bargaining to leave peacefully. And then, really feel stuck.

Your local women's shelter has some meetings, but the core issues preventing true healing and real change are likely buried deep.

You'll try Al-Anon. Read codependency books. You will invest hours looking at your own childhood trauma. Read some more books. Internet search endlessly. Meme it up. Go to counseling. Talk to a friend. Write it out. Join a thread.

You've been on guard with others your whole life. Feel differently from them. See how they are carefree, married happily, white picket fences.

You always think others are happy to look the other way when you come around.

You know it's on you to change your own stuff. They probably assume you know what your doing. Chuckle.

Your heart is the only willing guide for you. No choice but to listen to it. Yet, you will continually keep it buried, hidden. Like a dark secret from yourself.

Until you are invisible.

Until you are sure nobody else hears it beating.

You are always ashamed. You are accustomed to hiding. Smile. Everything is fine.

The outside world will have you doubt yourself. It will convince you that everything and everyone is against you, and you will be confused to hear how wisely your own heart speaks. Like a child. Very honestly. You ignore it. Feel frustrated.

You will learn that counseling and meds can't help as long as you are unaware of your own triggers and emotional issues...but even after you become aware, nothing is resolved. The triggers keep you from peace.

You will resort to isolation because its comfortable and get lost in work and in research and digging deeper into the past, wondering why and how you ended up here. You will blame the other person, and other people in your life.

And all you will end up with is feeling more pain and shame and guilt. Yet you won't complain. You go about your daily life as if that pain weren't eating you up. You will appear to be getting along.

New friends will help come. They might try to help you talk it out, to redirect you to your true self, and support you. And you will begin in small ways, to believe and try, you will maybe try it out in little episodes of putting yourself out there, in slightly trusting others. But being in the spotlight but is terribly uncomfortable.

These small defiant acts of being yourself begin to grow. But your growth is still mostly stagnant. Why?

It will be a long time until you blossom, even in middle age. Maybe never. It's not someone else you need or want. It's a resolution from the abuser. An end. A reconciliation. A forgiveness?

You wait. You create space. You wait. You try to be understanding. You work, you converse, but no progress. You pay his bills. Answer his calls, only to be shut down. Sometimes you talk, but it always ends in an argument when you begin to talk realistically about the pain, doubt, finances.

The answer to being treated poorly isn't simply leaving, after figuring out how and when to leave, after figuring out why to leave. After recognizing the signs. You're still intertwined.

Solutions can only come when you admit: you have faulty boundaries. You let bad shit happen. But why? How?

You don't really add up the damages or how long you've been trapped in this nightmare spiderweb.

Because I did not honor myself....I did not honor my own boundaries.

...because I chose to believe in redemption, or rather, in fixing someone and something outside of me.

... Because I was given shitty experiences long enough to think its normal not to speak up much less fight against shitty treatment from someone who I wanted love from.

Because it didnt feel like "loving me for who I am" kinda love but who am I to say?

Because I controlled and ignored my own heart.

Because of THEIR unresolved issues. Because he needs me.

Because what IS a healthy relationship? Because codependency is survival for some us.

Because I had faith in the deep humanity we all share being love at the core.

Because I woke up sick for so long I lost track of wellness. Because I walked in worn out shoes to work harder, those same shoes I took off at home, which were thrown at me as insults... until I could catch them.

Because I could throw them back at him.

Until we both equally hurt.

Because of poor parenting. Because I got meaning out of being what I could be to help him more than myself.

Because its not his fault. Because alcohol and drugs and temptations. Because ADHD. Because I love the idea of having a family, and he has a great fucking family.

Because I'm not about control. Or money. Or things.

Because I wanted my daughter to have a Father.

Because I was afraid to admit that it hurt to feel unsafe and unsupported. That I needed more.

Because I doubted what I thought I deserved.

....Until all the excuses fade away....

One day you get confirmation that he is causing this pain to you intentionally...he finally admits it. For better or worse.

And your heart knew it because it felt it all along. Contempt as bitter as ....this strange moment which you waited from the beginning:

Confirmation of your worst fears. No remorse. No justice. You have no choice but to keep up a boundary. And this has taken so many years to learn. You have the right to say no. To stop allowing others to harm you in the name of live or loyalty or whatever. You doubted yourself long enough. This is how it happens.

So that you can finally spread your wings and break free.