#but I'm definitely ideating and at risk rn

[lesbianfrottage]

Okay but I need to be someone's beloved wifepet and belong to them completely and be able to pour my whole energy into just loving them. When will it be my turn!

[organized-chaotic-disaster]

TW self harm, suicide/suicidal ideation

venting

I've been relapsing with self harm recently. But I feel like I can't tell anyone (if one of my friends reads this I'm sorry)

I'm like, I should probably talk to my counsellor about this. Because it's more than the usual one-off. But I don't want to be sent to the hospital or something bc I'm a "danger to myself"

Even tho it's really not that bad. It really isn't. I've hardly gone very deep at all. It barely even counts. And whenever I'm done I look at myself and I think, you should've done more, that was barely anything, you deserve more, but I can't bring myself to, and I know I probably should stop. But the thing that matters is the intent and emotions behind it, I know. So that's still there. Even if I feel like it doesn't really count. It feels so stupid though. bc this is a stupid thing I shouldn't be doing anymore. Fuck, it feels cringey. I'm nearing 30. Only teenagers self harm. I shouldn't be doing this. I should be over it by now. Why am I doing it?

(Not to imply that teenagers are stupid, idk how to explain it but it feels kind of like. When you look at yourself from a few months or a few years ago and you cringe bc you've changed so much and have totally different opinions and stuff and wonder, god how was I like that? It's like that)

And I obviously can't tell my parents, and I don't wanna talk to my sister about it because it seems like too much. And I'm worried that any of them (parents and sister) would potentially try to get me in the hospital

And I don't wanna talk to my friends about it bc I. I feel like. Like a negative influence in their lives rn. bc I've been sick. For just about 2 weeks now. And I can't say I'm 100% better bc I still have a little phlegm. And idk I'm probably not contagious anymore but I don't wanna risk it bc of stuff I can't say publicly bc that's their business. But basically I really really don't want to get them sick, I can't. So unless I'm absolutely positively 100% certain that I'm not sick anymore I can't see them. But we had plans. And they kept having to get delayed. And that stressed me out. So much. Because they're waiting on me. And I told them to do it without me but they insisted they'd wait. And I feel shitty for making that happen bc I have a bitch of a cold that just won't fully go away

And I'm stressed about school. I'll definitely need to take this class again if I wanna do honours like I'm thinking of doing. But I'm also starting to wonder if I should even do this shit? Have I been wasting my time? Can I do this shit? I don't know anymore. It feels like it's out of my reach to do this

So I'm taking this class and hardly passing it which has been extremely stressful, dealing with a group project for another class that has been a nightmare and I've been stressed about that and I wish I could've taken the reins and taken initiative on more than I did this semester but I'm just so tired. Of always having to do that. Of always being the one putting in the most care and effort into my group projects. I'm so tired. In general. And I just couldn't do it this time. But now bc I got sick I've been paranoid that it looks like I've been slacking now!! So I'm putting in more effort to make sure my groupmates know that I'm not, to make sure they know I'm contributing, bc there's a peer review aspect to this project and I don't want them to think I'm a lazy asshole bc I couldn't go to the one class shit was probably finally getting organized, I had to sit on the sidelines. And I feel like most of the work I've done for this project has been useless and that's making me even more paranoid

And the stress of all of this. Of thinking I should probably tell someone about the relapsing but feeling like I can't. And about this class I'm gonna have to retake. And this group project. And wondering if I should even be going down the path I'm trying to go down academically and professionally and maybe I should just stay at my current job for the rest of my life even though I hate the working conditions and the workplace culture there. And being stressed ABOUT being sick bc I feel like I'm letting everyone down. And now having to cram a fuckton of schoolwork that I was planning to do over the course of a couple weeks into a few days bc I had multiple days where I did literally nothing in the hopes that resting would help me get over this quicker so I could stop letting everyone down. All of this stress. Is making me even more stressed and frustrated bc I think it's contributing to me STAYING sick. But I can't just make it all go away. I need to do this hw. I'm not ready to talk about the self harm stuff bc I'm scared I'll end up in the hospital and the trajectory I'm on will all go to waste bc I'll lose however much time bc it turns out I'm quite mentally ill actually and need to deal with that before living my goddamn life and making a career for myself. The cold isn't going away and every day it's still there just adds to the stress. I can't do it. I can't

I'm almost tempted to do something really bad that I can't take back. I'm holding out for the good things I know are coming. The Fools Gold kickstarter rewards hopefully shipping out this january. A concert with my friends in february. A concert with my sister december next year. Fuck, idk, Dan and Phil bringing the gaming channel back and doing Dan vs. Phil S2, it's stupid but it can keep me going. But idk if I can hold out for much else rn besides the people I love, even though I don't feel like I'm worth it rn

I feel like a piece of shit and I'm stressed out about so many things that feel like they shouldn't matter but still stress me out