#but I'm also so exhausted and tired and weak and feeling selfish for needing support because. well because I know it's needed elsewhere more

[dirt-goth]

Just started crying in the gym parking lot and I'm trying to turn it into gains motivation

[marco--the--phoenix]

I deleted my old vent blog. But I gotta gwt this out.

Tw: depression - eating disorder- personal - mental health - suicide - financial issues - chronic illness

For 5 years we have lived on bare minimum. Sometimes we can do the odd nice thing here or there but it'll drain us.

Every month is a making ends meet kinda month and sometimes we go without very often.

One meal a day, I go without phone service or unable to leave the house.

It's not even our fault. Wife works full time, I can't work due to both mental and physical health.

I am so unbelievablely grateful to friends who help us out when there's a struggle but I feel so bad every time.

I'm almost 40 and I don't have the means to look after myself. I'm not the worst off person in the world but I'm fucming struggling.

I had an ED that almost killed me many years ago and it permanently crashed my body. I have a dangerous autoimmune disease that's almost killed me once already.

It's agony, my joints lock up, I've been paralysed in pain by arthritis brought on by it. My skin hurts and aches and burns all the time.

I can barely move. I ooze and feel gross and stick to things and feel ugly and gross and vile

My mental health is bad despite being medicated. My adhd is wild and the two have caused me to loose all momentum in myife. I was once in control and on top of everything and now I'm drowning.

I try not to vent to people. So used to being punished for venting rhat I'm terrified if people saw the real deph of what I'm feeling I'd loose them.

I'm sick of money lasting a second. We do like ONE nice thing a month together and even then it's far from wild or much money. We treat ourselves to a little something but like.. a £5 sketch from a friend or a third store shirt for £7 but cus we are so broke all the time and need help it feels shitty to do.

It's bad, all the time.

This month I already have £70 left to live and I've not paid for my phone yet. That 70 I'd for food, travel, anything.

We had to use money we saved for my birthday in March and their upcoming birthday just to make it to the end of every month.

We don't have family or a support network where we live.

I know staying at home doesn't seem like a big deal but reason I made a habit of going with wife to their place of work was because of me not being safe.

We've both worked hard, really hard to start out stores and try sell but it's very disheartening that despite all the effort and hard work no ones biting.

I'm so scared of being a burden to people that I clam up. I've pulled away so much from people already that I'm worried I'm not good enough any more for them.

It's all jealous icky arlf doubting feelings drowning me but I'm tired.

I started chemotherapy again for my illness but had to come off for antibiotics for an ear infection.

Chemotherapy makes me feel sick, tired, awful and without it my body attacks itself.

We are trying to go on a trip this June. Just to another city and we put money we couldn't afford towards it but I for one need a break, need something nice to look forward to, something to keep me fucking going.

I don't want to die, I just want life to be better but I've been strong all my life and I'm so weak these days cus I can't find mental or psychical strength.

I try hard to be there for others, be a good person, look on the bright side but I'm so so fucking exhausted.

I've waited years after year for things to get better. I'm not a negative person I've just been beat over the head so many times.

I'm finally letting myself cry and crumble but I'm close to breaking.

I wish I didn't feel guilty or selfish or bad for having these feelings but I do and I implode.

I just wish it was all easier.

I hope people who read this don't change their view on me or ditch me. I'm so tired and scared and hurting.

I also didn't make this post to beg for money but if there is anyone out there who could just help a little it really does help.

My P @ y p@l is corazon_x_law@yahoo.co.uk (op people it's not a ship. This was back when x didn't mean a ship dhdhdbdhd)

Or my kofi is https://ko-fi.com/cyborgfranky

It's 5am and I sat crying on the toilet like a loser.

I feel better for screaming here but.. damn.