#but I can and I should she's a bitch and misgenders me all the time anyways

[autopsytableromance]

Have to put a credibility statement in my speech like girl. I don’t know what to tell you. I’m actually not an authority of this topic I just get pissed off and also love to do research

[girlycocksleeve]

Sometimes I write porn :) If you have any suggestions for things to write, let me know.

Tags: public use, misgendering, rape, gang rape, transphobia, forced breeding, aroused victim, public humiliation, slut shaming

He had seen news about the new laws surrounding trans men, fakeboys or cuntboys as the news called them. Hell, he had even seen men getting fucked on the street, in cafes, anywhere public. But he hadn’t considered that the new free use laws would affect him, after all, he was fully stealth and had been for years.

So, when the hand grabbed his ass on the subway to work his mind didn’t immediately jump to the fact that, legally, he was just 3 holes and a pair of tits for everyone else to use.

“Hey, what the fuck?!” He spun around to see another man grinning at him.

“Oh, come on, it’s obvious what you are.” His blood ran cold as the man reached forward and tore his button down open, revealing his binder. They were drawing stares now from other people on the subway, and hands were taking off the remains of his shirt, unbuttoning his pants, as he stood there frozen still not processing. Men pushing up his binder to reveal his C cup tits, fingers pinching and twisting his nipples, finally snapping out of his trance.

“No, no, please don’t do this.” He started struggling and immediately was being held in place as fingers found his cunt, his wet cunt.

The man who had started it laughed, “You wouldn’t be dripping if you wanted us to stop. You’re nothing but a slut like all the other cuntboys.” He wanted to sob as a finger plunged into him, then two, as someone else rubbed his clit. He hadn’t had sex in years, was practically a virgin.

All of a sudden he was being bent over and a cock was sliding through his folds before catching and entering him, stretching him open. Whoever’s cock it was clearly wasn’t in the mood to be patient and was immediately fucking into him, hard and rough, and it burned.

He went to scream and another cock forced its way into his mouth, making him gag as it hit the back of his throat.

“God, her pussy is tight.” He wanted to sob at the words, at being called “her,” but instead his cunt just clenched. The man fucking him laughed, “Seems she likes the dirty talk, huh, slut?”

He shut his eyes and tried to pretend he was anywhere else, and the man fucking his face pulled out and slapped him. “You were asked a question, bitch.”

“No, no, I-“ another slap and he sobbed.

“Don’t lie to us, we can hear how wet you are.” It was true. His cunt squelched on every thrust, his own traitorous arousal slicking the way for the rough fucking.

“Tell us how much you like getting used like the whore you are.”

“I-“ He was still getting fucked, and each time the man bottomed out it forced the air out of his chest in a way that could be interpreted as moaning. “Please stop.”

The man pulled out, the head of his cock now pushing against his ass. “If you don’t like getting your cunt fucked, maybe we should try anal instead?”

“No, no, take it out please!” He yelped the words out, pain lacing them as his virgin asshole was breached, “Please fuck my pussy.”

“Good girl, but you can do better than that.” He had stopped pushing into his ass, but he hadn’t taken his dick out, instead leaving himself still an inch deep.

“Please, please fuck my girly cunt. Please use me like the breeding bitch I am. I need your cock in my pussy please.” He hated the way the words went straight to his clit, hated the unmistakeable moan that was forced out of him as the man went back to his pussy. The cock appeared back in front of his face and without needing to be asked his was opening his mouth and started sucking, running his tongue along the underside of it.

Men took his hands and started using them to jerk themselves off, and eventually he felt someone cum on his face, a sensation that made him shudder in either disgust or arousal, although he wouldn’t admit to himself which one it was.

The man in his pussy started speeding up his thrusts, and soon he felt his orgasm building. “Gonna cum in you, knock you up. Make sure you can never hide what you are again, understand?” The words were what pushed him over the edge and he trembled through it, cunt pulsing around the cock inside him as the man made good on his word and cum flooded into him.

“Fuck, good girl.” The man pulled out and was immediately replaced by another, pushing into his oversensitive pussy, causing him to whine.

“You’re gonna swallow, understand, slut?” The man in his mouth was breathing heavy as he said the words, and seconds after was cumming into his mouth. He swallowed it down dutifully, expecting it as the cock was soon replaced by another.

Quickly he fell into a rhythm, neither pussy nor mouth getting more than a couple seconds rest. He wasn’t sure how long it had been or how many loads he had taken, but eventually it was over, and he was left on the floor of the subway. Mouth and throat aching, barely able to close, and cunt on fire from overuse.

[uhhkpop]

A Perfect Girl - Eric Sohn x (afab)NB!reader

—

Content/Warnings: College AU, Smut (18+ mdni), Fluff, Angst, they/them reader, discussion of pronouns, reader’s gender identity not specified- implied to be slightly female aligned but outside the gender binary, misgendering (accidental and deliberate), insecurity, reader has body hair, reader is taller than Eric, Eric’s ex is a bully, virgin!reader with no dating experience, big dick!Eric (iykyk 👀), tit sucking, unprotected piv sex (DONT DO THIS), oral (receiving), marking (giving and receiving), reader becomes a bit possessive but Eric thinks it’s hot, an “ily”, hurt-comfort, this is ridiculously long, lmk if I’ve missed something

DISCLAIMER: I write fan fiction for myself and myself only. If you feel excluded or underrepresented by the content, that is because it is specifically intended to represent me. If you like it, that’s great, and I’m hoping a few people might, but if you don’t, then you are free to read something else.

—

By itself, crushing on a boy sucks. It sucks even more when you dress kinda masculine, have a couple inches on him height-wise, and you worry that as a (presumably) heterosexual man, these qualities on a woman (or whatever it is you are, you’ve given up on figuring it out) will be a turn off for him.

You like to think that Eric isn’t full of toxic masculinity or anything of the sort, though you wouldn’t blame him if he was a bit insecure— most people are, in one way or another. But at the end of the day, cis-het men like femininity and that is not you. So, all you can do is look at him wistfully from across the classroom and fantasize about things that you’re sure will never happen. Sighing, you think about how the only girls you’ve seen him date have all been short and pretty with frilly outfits, flowing long hair, and foreheads never too high for him to kiss. You aren’t jealous of their height or how they dress, you wouldn’t want to look like them anyway, but you are jealous that they get to be considered desirable and you aren’t. Eric Sohn is too normal for you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

You’re so wrapped up in your own thoughts that you almost don’t hear the professor announce that partners for the group project will be posted tonight. You’re still sneaking glances at him even as class ends and people start filtering out when you see a girl jog in with a hopeful look on her face. She goes straight towards Eric and grabs his hand and although you can’t hear everything, the girl says something along the lines of, “Come onnnnn. We should spend time together again. I miss you, you know?”, in a coaxing tone. You watch Eric’s face harden as he speaks crossly,

“What did you think I meant when I said I didn’t want to see you anymore?” He fixes her with a glare. The girl just looks at him innocently.

“Well, I know you just wanted a few days to cool down, so I gave you a few days and now we can go back to our old routine!” She smiles at him, clearly ignoring the annoyed look on his face. You continue to pack up slowly because even though you know it’s not your business and you’re internally scolding yourself for being nosy, part of you feels compelled to find out where this is going. Because it’s Eric.

“You know that’s not what I meant. I’m not falling for this bullshit again,” Eric retorts. His voice is terse, almost angry. Your bag is all packed now and when you hear the girl start to speak again, an impulse takes over and you suddenly yell to him from across the room.

“Eric!” You call his name and wave at him. The face of the girl (who you now assume is a recent ex) twists into displeasure as you jog over. “Did you forget the reservation at that lunch place that we booked? I don’t want to be late.” Eric’s expression quickly goes from confusion to what seems to be relief.

“Lunch…” the ex scoffs, “with this ugly bitch? I see you’ve lowered your standards.” Well, ouch. That stung. She storms off before Eric can get another word in. Once she’s completely gone, you try to smile apologetically and offer,

“Sorry. You seemed a bit stuck there, so I wanted to help.” He laughs at this and shakes his head.

“No, you’re good! I’m actually glad she’s gone. I don’t think she’ll bother me again anytime soon.” He motions with his head for you to come along, so you follow him out of the classroom. “Exes, am I right?”, he quips jokingly. You shrug and stuff your hands in your pockets.

“I wouldn’t know.”

“Wait, really?” Eric’s eyes widen a bit.

“Is it that weird that I haven’t dated yet?,” you ask curiously.

“No, no,” he backtracks, looking uncomfortable, suddenly aware of what he said, “that’s not exactly what I meant. I mean, it’s totally okay if you choose not to date, not everyone has to date if they don’t want to, I know that, yeah, I’ve just overheard you ranting to friends about being single before, so I figured…” Eric rambles and then trails off. You chuckle a bit in response as you walk across one of the wide courtyards on campus.

“Don’t worry, I’m not mad. But where are we going by the way?”, you ask.

“I don’t know, actually.” You look at him, puzzled about his response.

“But I’m just following you,” you say. He looks back, equally confused by your words and replies,

“I thought I was following you???” You stop in your tracks and burst out laughing and it isn’t long before Eric joins in. After a few minutes, you take a couple of deep breaths to settle down, a giggle or two still occasionally coming up. You can’t remember the last time you laughed that hard. It felt good, really good. “So,” Eric says, “do you want to actually get lunch? I’ll buy since I owe you for rescuing me back there.” You can’t keep the grin off your face.

“I’d love to.”

~~~

On the way there and at the cafe, Eric chatted nonstop about the ex who had bothered him (Gina, you think her name was) earlier as well as about anything and everything else that came to mind. You found that you actually enjoyed listening to him speak even more than you’d expected. It wasn’t often that you found someone who could both outtalk you and simultaneously entertain you enough that you genuinely enjoyed listening to them even when you didn’t get much of a word in.

The whole thing was like a dream and you roll around on your bed, covering your face with your hands and laughing as you reminisce about it. You thought he was cute before and now you’re pretty sure you might be obsessed, too. You don’t think your luck could get any better than it already is today but when you check the list of partners assigned by the professor, you’re proven wrong. The name next to yours on the chart is none other than Eric’s.

You had exchanged numbers at lunch, so you text him the news and set up a time to meet each week to work on it. You can’t believe you’re going to be seeing him outside of class and even though you’re a bit apprehensive (out of fear you might fuck something up), you’re mostly just excited to spend time with him.

You begin sitting together every class and as he’d predicted, Gina didn’t make another attempt at an after-lecture visit. Not only is the project coming along nicely, you now feel like you can say that Eric has become a good friend. You’ve even forgotten how self-conscious you used to feel whenever you were next to him. Or at least, you’ve mostly forgotten. He made you laugh often enough that you didn’t have much time to think about it, but now and then you still feel lingering doubts at the back of your mind. Doubts that hurtle towards the surface today when Gina suddenly marches towards you while you’re studying by yourself in the library, sits across from you, and affixes you with a glare, saying,

“I can’t believe he’s been spending so much time with such a poor excuse for a girl.” Her voice drips with venom and stuns you speechless, and she goes on, “I mean, look at you, what kind of girl dresses like that? What kind of girl lets herself have that much body hair? It’s kinda gross, not gonna lie.” When you open your mouth to ask why you would even have to be a ‘girl’ or dress in a certain way, she interjects again. “You aren’t pretty at all, and you seem pretty boring, too. Even if I can’t have him anymore, you should leave him alone for someone who’s actually in his league.”

At this point, you feel compelled to clarify that Eric isn’t dating you or even interested, but you don’t want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that, so you just tell her the harshest thing you can think of in that moment: “I’m sorry that conforming to binary gender stereotypes is so important to you. Hopefully one day you’ll get a hobby that doesn’t involve judging other people for how they dress.” You look at her nonchalantly and she looks like she wants nothing more than to cuss you out right now. But she doesn’t. Gina just stands up abruptly and walks away. Unfortunately, however, the pride you feel for reacting so calmly, is edged out by a feeling of discomfort. If anyone’s opinion should be taken seriously, it certainly shouldn’t be hers, but you can’t shake the nagging sense that she isn’t the only one who thinks the way she does.

In general, you’re happy with yourself. You’re okay with not being pretty. In the end, how you look doesn’t matter, right? …right? Except it kinda does, because you want Eric to think you’re pretty, but that seems far fetched, so you remind yourself not to get any hopes up.

You stretch and begin to pack up. After that confrontation, the thought of being here much longer makes you feel ill, so you head out the door feeling unsettled and just plain bad. Why did some people suck that much? All you want to do is go home, nap, and try not to think about it. It doesn’t even occur to you that today you have one of your weekly meetings with Eric to work on the project together. Once you get home, you plop face first into the couch and after a bit of rolling around, quickly fall asleep.

~~~

You’re rudely awakened by both the sound of your phone ringing and someone knocking on your door. “What the fuck?” You mutter and stand up. As soon as you open the door and see Eric’s face, it dawns on you. You’d completely forgotten what day it was. This had never happened before and frankly, you’re embarrassed. Letting him in, you feel yourself wither away even more on the inside. Eric should be mad, you think, but his expression remains neutral, confused even. It’s hard to speak, just seeing him right now makes you almost want to cry, but you open your mouth to try to say something to him anyway. You don’t even get the chance. Once the front door closes, Eric gently puts his hands on your arms and asks,

“Shit, you okay?” He has a concerned look on his face. You figure you must look pretty pathetic right now if he’s this worried just from looking at you. It isn’t long before the dam breaks and tears stream down your face. Eric rubs your arms and guides you to sit down on your sofa. “Hard day?” You gulp down sobs and nod. “Do… you want to talk about it?” You shake your head even though you do, actually, want to talk about it. But you can’t let him know because you don’t want him to pity you or even worse, confront his ex which might make her target you even more.

“We should…" you swallow, "get to work." You lean to grab your backpack to remind Eric of why he came over in the first place. He stops you though, holding each of your hands in his, gently stroking your knuckles with his thumbs.

"No," Eric insists, "we can always finish it up later. You aren't feeling good right now, so we probably wouldn’t get a ton of stuff done anyway," You look down at your lap, not sure how to reply. Eventually, you force out a weak ‘okay’. “Is there anything I can do to help?”, Eric asks and you shrug, still looking down, not wanting to talk. He lets go of your hands and returns them to his own lap. “Would… you like a hug?” You nod and you feel him wrap his arms around you, warm and strong, adjusting yourself in his arms so you can rest your forehead on his shoulder. Eric holds you like that for several minutes even though you aren’t crying anymore. You savor this moment because you’re pretty sure you’re a little bit in love with him and you don’t know if you’ll get chance to be this close to him ever again. It feels wrong, as if you’re taking advantage of his kindness to satisfy how utterly touch starved you feel, but right now, you don’t have the energy to think too deeply into it.

Eric releases you from his hold and pinches your arm, giving you a smile that is mischievous yet still sympathetic, an expression you didn’t even know existed before meeting him. “So,” Eric chuckles, “if you don’t wanna tell me what happened, could you at least tell me who made you feel this way, so I can go kick them in the ass?” You laugh dryly, but it lacks much humor.

“I don’t care about what happens to the other person, but one of the people is me, and I’d rather not have my ass kicked, thank you very much.” You fix him with a weary smile and his expression drops, the only sound out of his mouth is a concerned whisper of your name.

“You don’t deserve that from anyone, least of all yourself,” Eric insists.

“I know,” you say, “and usually it’s not an issue, but I have insecurities just like everyone else and sometimes I meet people who are really good at reminding me of them. And it’s not even that I compare myself to other people,” you go on, “but it’s not like I can stop other people from doing that or even from saying it straight to my face. It’s fucking bullshit.” You lean back against the couch and look at the ceiling.

You hear him sigh. “I don’t know what to say, I’m sorry man, that really sucks.” The both of you sit in silence for a few seconds before Eric blurts out, “They must have said something pretty bad to upset you that much, usually you seem so unbothered by things.”

“I mean, kinda, but it’s just a front a lot of the time. I’ve learned to just roll with it to avoid attracting even more attention. I’ve always stuck out a bit, you know? Especially since I started college.” You sit up straight and look at him again, but Eric’s expression is somewhat unreadable.

“What changed?”, he tentatively asks. You shrug casually, trying to play it cool.

“Just the way I dress and refer to myself, I guess. New town, new me. I finally started wearing the clothes I wanted instead of making myself look like a girl to feel normal… and…” you hesitate at this part. You know he’ll be accepting, you’re almost completely sure of it, but you know that there’s always a risk with this kind of thing. A risk of people pushing you away out of judgment or prejudice. You know that Eric most likely won’t push you away, and that if he does, you’re better off not having him in your life anyway. But none of that makes it any less scary.

You inhale, hoping for the best, bracing for the worst, and confess, “I also started using they/them pronouns. I didn’t change my name or anything but I don’t refer to myself as a girl or a woman as often as I used to. I don’t mind people using ‘she’ or describing me with those words, but it just feels better when people refer to me more neutrally.” Your legs are wiggling nervously and you pick at your fingernails as you wait for a response.

“Cool,” Eric says calmly then gives you a genuine smile, “Thanks for trusting me enough to tell me. I’ll do my best to keep it in mind.” The weight on your shoulders has disappeared and you feel like you can fully breathe again. You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding and Eric laughs and reaches over to massage one of your shoulders. “Relax a bit, you’re fine,” he reassures, his expression still amused.

“Thanks.” You smile at Eric, truly grateful.

~~~

Since then, Eric has made a diligent effort to use the right language for you. You sometimes have to remind him that he doesn’t need to focus so hard on it; you feel like he sees you for who you are, and that’s the most important part. Still, he does his best, and it’s endearing, to say the very least. Part of you wishes you hadn’t told him— you already had feelings for him before and now that he’s putting in all this effort just to make you feel comfortable and seen, you’re falling for him even harder.

But despite all this, he clearly only sees you as a friend. It’s obvious, the way he’ll ask for an opinion about some girl’s profile on whatever dating app he’s using, how he’ll sometimes give you a fist bump as a greeting. You’re starting to wonder if he just sees you as another guy friend, and you really don’t want that.

Otherwise, everything is great between you two. The project went well and your professor commented on your chemistry when presenting together, saying that it would be nice if all of the teams worked together so well. Eric has started inviting you to hang out with his other friends who you’ve discovered are also really fun to be around. Everything is falling into place except your desire to be even physically and emotionally closer to him than you already are. But you’re a coward and you can’t tell him that. You don’t want to risk one of your best friendships. So you stay quiet and let things be.

The staying quiet part itself is easy enough but suppressing your feelings around Eric is not. Your urges to stare at him or giggle or grin like an idiot whenever he does something remotely cute or funny are overwhelming, so you wear a facade of ‘calm, cool, and collected’ as best you can. You think you’re succeeding, but you can’t be too sure, especially when Eric’s friends sometimes subtly nudge you, giving knowing smiles as if to tell you that they’ve caught onto your little secret. Now that you think of it, they definitely know. It’s not hard to tell when Eric asks you to come with him to a party they’ve all been invited to and Hyunjae looks at you with a gleam in his eye and suggests nonchalantly that it could be ‘a fun excuse to dress up, maybe try and catch someone’s eye,’ finally shutting up when Juyeon elbows him in the ribs and shoots him a pointed look. You’re slightly embarrassed that they’ve figured it out this fast but at the same time, you’re grateful that they haven’t seemed to have said anything to Eric yet.

Usually you’re not someone to go to parties. But for the sake of Eric, you agree quickly and begin to wonder what you’ve gotten yourself into.

~~~

As soon as you step into the party, you feel out of place. It’s uncomfortably loud, smells of smoke and booze, and whoever is DJ-ing is doing a very shitty job. Then again, most people here are probably too drunk to care anyway. If Eric hadn’t asked you to be here, you would’ve left already. A stranger comes up to you to offer a drink and gives you a rude side eye when you decline it and you know you’ve already lost popularity points that you didn’t have in the first place.

Your eyes scan the room for Eric, but it’s too crowded to tell if he’s even here. For all you know, he could be off wooing one of the many high heeled girls in their little black dresses and immaculate makeup, having completely forgotten about you. You don’t even remember the name of this other friend of his who’s having their birthday tonight. Maybe Eric just brought you along because he knew that you wouldn’t put up with his ex’s bullshit unlike the other ‘girls’ he could have asked. But what’s the point if he’s not even here? You text him again but get no response, he probably doesn’t notice the phone buzzing in his pocket anyway. You decide you’ll try one more time in a few minutes, but for now, all you can do is stare into space and wish you were somewhere else.

After a few minutes, you reach for your phone again, feeling ready to give up if you still don’t get a response but you’re interrupted by strong hands suddenly grabbing your arm. You startle, ready to punch someone if you have to, but upon seeing it’s only Eric, you let yourself relax.

“Hey, (Y/N)… you came!”, Eric says excitedly. He doesn’t seem super drunk yet but he’s certainly at least a bit tipsy.

“I did,” you sigh begrudgingly, fiddling with a loose thread on your pants.

“You look soooo cool, by the way,” he nods approvingly and even though you can tell he’s a bit more inebriated than you initially thought, for the first time tonight, you feel attractive, sexy even. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea to wear ripped jeans and a suit vest as a top if Eric seems to like it. You mentally kick yourself for being so emotionally invested in a man’s opinion.

“Is there anything fun to do here that doesn’t involve drinking?” You ask, hoping that the response will be something other than no. However, you are not so fortunate.

“Not really,” Eric says, “unless you wanna dance?” His eyes light up mischievously but you shake your head at the suggestion. You do not want your chunky boots to make you look even taller than you already are in comparison to him. “Besides,” he adds, “I like having you here.” You aren’t sure whether to swoon or feel disappointed because that could mean plenty of things.

“Is it so I can tell your annoying ex to fuck off?” You inquire. He widens his eyes at your suggestion, looking almost offended you would assume such a thing.

“No, no, no… not at all! Well… maybe a little bit, but only a little bit. I invited you because I wanted to hang out,” he insists.

“There are better occasions for hanging out,” you grumble, but he doesn’t seem to hear.

“Let’s go sit!” Eric announces pulling you by your wrist to a couch near the edge of the room. Soon, you find yourself squeezed next to him on some piece of furniture that’s probably only meant for one person to comfortably stretch out on but not for two to sit next to each other. Eric goes on a tipsy ramble about something you don’t really understand but you nod along anyway. Your hands are resting on your lap and you wonder when he’ll realize that he’s mindlessly playing with your fingers. Not that you mind; it’s pretty cute, actually. This is nice, you think. You wouldn’t mind staying like this for the rest of the night, but the universe has other plans.

“You’re with her again? Don’t you know better?” Eric’s ever-lovely ex appears in front of you, wearing a scowl on her face. You’re not surprised that she’s talking about you as if you aren’t even there. Eric fixes her with a confused look.

“Why would I ‘know better’? As far as I’m concerned, being with them is better than dealing with your jealous ass.” Hearing this, Gina scoffs,

“You’re just doing this because you pity her and because you’re trying to piss me off by being with someone… who looks like that.” People are starting to watch the scene and you’re becoming self conscious.

“I think they look hot, so your opinion is irrelevant,” Eric snaps back at her. “Unlike what you seem to think, the reason I broke up with you wasn’t because I stopped finding you attractive, it’s because you act like this.” Eric pauses and you think he’s done with his rant until he suddenly adds, “also, you were shit in bed.” A scattering of whispers and murmurs goes through the group watching the confrontation and Gina looks like she’s going to cry. You immediately stand up and pull Eric with you,

“Alright, we’re gonna go now,” you announce, dragging him to the door with a cheeky smirk still plastered to his face. As much as you thought she deserved it, you figure she’s probably had enough humiliation for the night, so you wait outside the house with Eric and call a cab. Your head is spinning with thoughts and you have to know the details. You’re hot? His ex was bad in bed? But you don’t know where to start, so instead you just say, “you were pretty savage back there,” both surprise and admiration lacing your voice.

“I’m as savage as it gets,” Eric says proudly, barking and growling like a dog as he ends his statement. He grins at you and for some strange reason, you’re absolutely enamored with this weirdo.

“By the way, did you mean it?”, you ask. “Y’know, the thing you said?”

“Which one, the one where I said you looked hot or the one where I said she was bad at sex? Because both are technically true, in my opinion.” Eric shrugs and gives you a crooked, tipsy smile. Your heart is drumming. You know that his answer is going to either be the best news you’ve heard in years, or an absolute letdown.

“Can you clarify? Like, do you think I’m hot, or am I just hot in general?”

“Can’t it be both?” Eric looks at you quizzically.

“‘Cause, like, I have no doubt that you said that to annoy her which is totally valid to me, but I need to know if you just said it to annoy her or if you actually, personally, are attracted to me.”

“Look,” Eric says, “annoying her was not my plan when I said that, it just happened to be a nice bonus.” He giggles, swaying a bit and you wonder how much of this he’ll remember tomorrow. Eric purses his lips, “The thing I said about her being bad in bed, that one was to annoy her. It also happens to be true, but it was mostly for petty revenge.”

“Was she really that bad?”, you ask. Probably too personal of a question, but he brought it up, so you’re itching to know the story.

“Hmm, in a way, yeah. It was always very impersonal and she mostly just cared about herself. When I said I wanted her to be more attentive and caring towards me, she looked at me as if I was crazy. Like, can’t a guy just want some emotional intimacy?” He scoffs at the memory and you feel your heart squeeze. You think to yourself that you’ll store that information for later and then mentally scold yourself for being delusional.

“That’s stupid,” you finally reply. “She’s the weird one, not you.”

“Yeah! I know!”, Eric complains. Then he grabs your hand and leans into you. “See, this is why I like you. You get me.”

“Yeah?”, you murmur quietly, wrapped up in the moment.

“Yeah,” he repeats softly, and he looks at you so dreamily that it takes everything in you to not kiss him right then and there.

The arrival of the cab interrupts your moment and neither of you speak as the driver takes you to each of your respective destinations. When you finally get into your bedroom, you flop onto the bed without even getting undressed and scream into your pillow. You aren’t excited, you aren’t upset, you’re just… stuck. Overwhelmed by your feelings for a man you’re sure could never want you the way you want him. And it’s impossible to get rid of him now that he’s in more parts of your life than you can count. You couldn’t, anyway, no matter how much you wanted to. You know that even if you tried to cut him out, all it would take is a text from him and you’d come running without hesitation. Eric Sohn has you wrapped around his finger and he doesn’t even know it.

~~~

After meeting Eric the next day ‘to check on his hangover’ (aka gather info on how much he actually remembers from the previous night), you’ve discovered that he’s forgotten more than you expected him to. He remembers all of the events for the most part. Eric knows that he drank, talked with some friends, found you, got in an argument with his ex, and then was dragged out by you for saying something nasty. What he couldn’t recall is any of what he specifically said. Which left it up to you to decide how much to actually tell him.

It’s only fair that he knows, so you tell Eric everything. Well… everything except for your conversation outside. You aren’t sure why, but the idea of Eric finding out that he implied last night that he genuinely found you attractive and that he told you why he wasn’t satisfied with his ex in bed fills you with a sense of dread. Part of you is probably afraid that his explanation for the former has changed and as for the latter, you don’t want to embarrass him. At least that’s what you tell yourself because you don’t want to admit that you’re saving that information for the off chance you ever do get to sleep with him.

You fantasize that not only will you give him your body, but your heart, too, and that it will make him fall so deeply for you that none of those things you worry about will even matter. You’ll love him better than any of his exes did, so much that he won’t see anyone else but you. But those are dreams, not reality.

Straight men usually want girls who will complement their own sense masculinity, not challenge it. Straight men usually want girls. And unless you’ve misinterpreted something, he is one of the ‘straight men’ but you’ll never be one of the ‘girls’. And of course there are exceptions, it’s not like this is a rule, but how are you supposed to feel hopeful when you’ve never seen it happen in real life or even in fiction?

~~~

When Eric invites you to another party, this time at his apartment on a Friday night, you’re confused. After the events of last Friday, you’re wondering what made him think this was even remotely a good idea. But he promises it’ll be a small informal event and you’re weak when it comes to Eric, so of course you agree.

You decide to go a little more casual this time, just wearing your most comfortable jeans and a simple button up tee. Hopefully it won’t be too casual compared to everyone else there. When you get to his place, however, you don’t even see anyone whose outfit could be a potential gauge for the vibe of this party. It’s just you and Eric in the apartment. The lights are low and there’s music playing, so surely there has to be someone else here already, right?

“Am I early, or something?”, you ask as Eric lets you into his apartment.

“Nah,” he says, walking around aimlessly.

“Then why am I the only one here?”

“Uh… you’re kinda, like, the only person I invited,” he admits with a playful grin. You look at him incredulously and lightly slug him in the shoulder.

“What the fuck, man? You had me anxious for nothing!” You laugh in relief. “I was psyching myself up to get ready to endure several hours of being social, and now you’re telling me it was all for nothing?” Eric frowns facetiously.

“What do you expect me to do about it?”, he asks. You just snicker in response. Eric has you sit down at his small dining table while he gets you a drink and you watch his broad back as he opens the fridge and asks you what you want. You know you’re distracted by him, but you can’t help it. It’s even worse tonight because he obviously put some effort into his appearance and you think it certainly paid off. When he turns back around, you give him an awkward smile, hoping he couldn’t tell you’d literally been staring at his physique only moments ago.

Eric raises his eyebrows at you but doesn’t say anything and hands you your drink.

“So aside from, uhhh, chatting,” you say, gesturing around, “what’s the plan?”

“We’re gonna make up for what we didn’t do last time we were at a party,” he explains. “We’re going to dance.”

Dance? You’re confused. Eric had told you he didn’t remember much of what he said that night. You yourself had almost forgotten he asked you to dance because compared to everything else that had happened, it was barely even notable. Eric then suddenly speaks up.

“I was kinda disappointed when you said 'no' that time. You can totally, like, say no again, but I wanted to make another chance. Is that weird?”

Oh my god. Is he flirting with you right now? You really can’t tell. And the idea of dancing seems even worse this time since it’s just him. It’s not like you’ll have a crowd of people to blend in with that likely would include some even worse dancers than you. But Eric can see the apprehension in your face.

“C’monnnnnn! It’ll be fun.”

He taps something on his phone and the volume of the music increases and the song switches to something more upbeat. Before you can protest, he makes his way to you and grabs onto your wrists, pulling you out of your chair to lead you to a more open area. Eric doesn’t let go, moving your arms to the beat with him. You laugh and let him but you still don’t do any moving of your own. When you still don’t join him, Eric gazes up at you and pouts, giving you the biggest, most pathetic puppy dog eyes you’ve ever seen in your life. “Please…?”, he whines, effortlessly making your resolve crumble.

“You know what? Ok, fine, whatever, you win,” you concede with a defeated smile. God only knows the things you would do for this man.

“Hell yeah!” he celebrates with a fist pump.

And so, you dance. You don’t really know what you’re doing. In fact, you’re trying not to even really think about it, and just focus on moving around to the beat of the music. Before you know it, you’re both laughing and messing around, Eric shrieking when you decide to chase him with a small throw pillow you grabbed from his couch.

“Die!”, you yell dramatically as you chuck the pillow at Eric who goes down with a long ‘nooooo!’ as he tries to dodge and fails. When he realizes that you’re out of ammo, an evil grin spreads on his face as he decides to turn the tables and begins chasing you instead. You giggle as Eric runs after you, almost tripping over your own feet. Eventually, you’re cornered and you can see the wheels turning in his head as he decides what sort of silly revenge he should take. But he doesn’t even get the chance to make a decision when a new song begins, slow and sensual, changing the atmosphere entirely.

Your breath falters and the look in Eric’s eyes has gone from mischievous to almost… vulnerable? You’re now very aware of the way he has you trapped in the corner of his living room, and he seems to be, too. And yet… neither of you attempt to move. Eric’s eyes are full of both hope and worry and he opens his mouth and in a tone that is more nervous than you have ever heard him speak in, he asks,

“Do you want to dance? For real this time?”

~~~

Unspilled tears line your eyes. You’re finally this close to what you want and now that it’s right in front of you, you’re panicking. Suddenly your emotions have overwhelmed you and you’re terrified. You aren’t even being rejected, it’s the exact opposite. Nothing Eric has done tonight has suggested anything other than that he wants you and yet you’re scared. Scared you’re reading it wrong, afraid that you’ve missed the signal that indicates that this is all just a big joke.

Eric has his arms around your waist and forehead against your neck as he slow dances with you. He can’t see the anxiety on your face and he doesn’t know you’re freaking out. You do everything in your power to keep your breaths steady and even, but you can’t and you watch in slow motion as Eric’s face falls when he looks up and witnesses your expression.

He immediately cups your face with one of his palms. “Hey, what’s wrong? Talk to me… please,” Eric pleads. You sniffle but can’t stop yourself from leaning into his touch.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper, blinking back your tears. Eric’s face is a mixture of concern and confusion.

“No,” he insists. “Don’t apologize, you did nothing wrong. I don’t know why you’re upset, but I promise, I’m not gonna get mad at you.”

“I’m just scared…” you choke out, “that none of this is real. That I’m misinterpreting everything. That… whatever it is you’re doing right now… doesn’t really mean anything to you and I missed the memo. I shouldn’t assume that I’m being tricked based on a few things that happened to me in the past but…” Tears are rolling down your face now and you’re barely holding together what little composure you have left. Eric wipes some of your tears away with his thumb and returns his hand towards your waist.

“Fuck,” he mutters, but there’s no anger in his tone. “I was trying to seduce you tonight, I never meant to bring up those feelings.” Your breath hitches and you’re so stunned you immediately stop crying. You stand there blinking at him, utterly bewildered. Eric chuckles awkwardly. “Why do you think I did my hair and dressed up tonight? I wanted to look good,” he smiles softly, “…for you.”

“Wh- why for me?” You stutter, unable to fully process the situation.

“Because I like you,” Eric replies, “Even if you’re a bit dense sometimes.”

Words fail you completely. The way he smiles at you, it’s like he has the stars in his eyes and you’re drowning in them, hoping you never have to surface. “You like me? Even though I’m…” You don’t have it in you to finish your sentence.

“I like you because you’re…” Eric says, imitating the way you left off the last few words. “I think you’re beautiful, you know,” he says running his hand through your hair. You want to trust him so badly but part of you still has a hard time believing it.

“So… you don’t care that I don’t look like a ‘girl’.”

“I don’t,” Eric confirms. “I think you’re attractive even when other people mistake you for a guy.”

You aren’t crying anymore, but you’re still overwhelmed and your breath shakes as you exhale. Before you even realize it, your hands are moving from Eric’s shoulders to wrap around the back of his neck, playing with the hair at his nape. You hear Eric sigh softly as he tilts his face up towards yours until your lips are mere inches apart. It’s as if you’re being pulled together by magnets the way you angle your face down ever so slightly towards his and he raises his heels off the ground to reach you. The feeling when Eric’s lips finally meet yours is euphoric. You don’t care that it’s awkward the way your noses or teeth sometimes clash because you have no idea what you’re doing right now. You’re just happy to finally be this close to him even though you’ve just made your lack of experience incredibly obvious.

Eric doesn’t seem to care too much either, the way his hands explore your face, back, and waist as if he’ll never be able to get enough of you. All it took was one taste and you know you’re already addicted to having his hands on your body and his lips against yours. Right as you’re thinking that you hope this will never end, Eric pulls away, leaving you feeling disoriented. “Fuck,” he gasps, gripping your waist. The two of you are panting, but with the way he stopped so abruptly, you feel like you’ve been deprived of oxygen, not afforded more of it.

You try to kiss Eric again but your heart sinks a bit when he stops you. “Wait,” he says breathlessly, “I want to take things slow with you. You deserve to have someone properly take their time with you and put you first. I don’t want you to feel pressured to do anything just because I’m a bit impatient.” Your cheeks feel hot.

“What if… you aren’t the only one who’s impatient?”, you suggest shyly. You feel Eric’s fingers dig into your sides and he moans slightly.

“Don’t- don’t tempt me like that,” he says shakily, clearly struggling to hold himself together. You’re struck with a sudden sense of boldness.

“I want you, Eric.” As soon as his name leaves your mouth, his lips are on yours again and then he’s spreading small kisses all over your face which quickly becomes wet, open mouthed kisses along your jaw and down your neck. You thread your fingers in his hair when he begins to drag his tongue up the skin of your throat. Eric moans against your skin when he hears you sighing his name.

His hands sneak under your shirt to caress the skin of your waist and the sensation of finally having his hands directly on you is so satisfying that you almost don’t start wondering if he can feel the obvious fuzz on your lower back underneath his finger tips. You choose to ignore that thought for now, instead focusing on the way Eric’s mouth is exploring every inch of skin he can access while you still have your shirt on. You’re self conscious still, but you undo the first few buttons of your shirt to let Eric roam further with his lips. He pulls you backwards into to his bedroom, lips never leaving your skin, until he falls back onto his bed, pulling you down with him. You let him roll you over onto your back so that now he’s on top and you’re underneath him.

“Fuck, I want to touch you,” Eric rasps, looking at you with sparkling eyes. You’re about to immediately say yes, then something stops you.

“I… have body hair…” you admit awkwardly. It’s a bit of an understatement, but you’re not sure what else to say. Saying, ‘I was called an animal by the other girls in the middle school locker room,’ would probably not help the mood.

“There’s nothing wrong with a little body hair,” Eric says reassuringly, but the gesture doesn’t help.

“That’s the problem,” you mumble. “It’s not just a little, it’s a lot.”

“Baby, it’s not gonna make me want you any less,” Eric says, leaning up to kiss your cheek. You sigh.

“Promise?”

“Promise. I still really wanna use my fingers on you or go down on you, if you’ll let me.” A shiver runs down your spine.

“Okay,” you acquiesce quietly. Eric runs his hands up and down your sides underneath your top and you allow him to unbutton it the rest of the way, letting it fall off your shoulders. He presses kisses over your sternum, smoothing his hands over your bra and trailing his lips along the path of hair running down your abdomen.

“You’re beautiful,” Eric whispers, his voice brimming with affection. He stops right above the waist of your pants and looks into your eyes, silently requesting to take them off. You nod shyly, and agonizingly slowly, he begins to unbutton them and pull down the zipper. As your pants are pulled down your legs, you become nervous again. You’re wearing underwear, of course, but they do little to hide the amount of hair you have.

“Can I touch you?”, Eric requests softly. You swallow your anxieties and say yes, trying to hide how worried you feel. You yelp in surprise as he pinches your outer thigh gently to get your attention. “Baby, I promise I want you,” he reassures, his calm eyes gazing into your apprehensive ones. “Give me your hand.” He rests his chin on your pubic bone and looks up at you. Eric may have a bit of a smirk on his face, but his eyes are full of sincerity. You allow him to reach up and lace his fingers with yours, giving your hand a small squeeze. “There you go, you’re so good for me,” he praises fondly, delicately trailing the fingers of his free hand over the damp patch that has formed in your underwear.

Eric presses a kiss over the fabric before he asks if he can take them off. Once you give him permission, he pulls them down your legs, tossing them aside, then instructs you to open your legs a bit and put them over his shoulders. You comply. This whole time, Eric still hasn’t let go of your hand. Your bottom half is completely bare now and one of the most handsome men you’ve ever seen, one you’re head over heels for, has his face between your thighs.

Your insecurity doesn’t even get the chance to fully resurface because with every kiss he presses to your inner thighs, Eric gives you a compliment. The closer he gets to your core, the more he reminds you how much he wants you, needs you, thinks you’re beautiful. Eventually, he reaches his destination and uses his fingers to spread your folds to get an unobstructed view. You don’t even realize how wet you are right now until you feel Eric’s fingers dip shallowly into your entrance and then rub your slick all over your clit. A small whimper slips out at the unexpected sensation. You didn’t realize how different it would feel to be touched by someone else for once.

You’re even more surprised when he attaches his mouth and begins to alternate between sucking and little flicks with the tip of his tongue. You gasp and grip his hand tighter, your other hand shooting down to grab at Eric’s hair. It’s not until he starts moaning that you realize he’s begun to grind his hips into the mattress as he eats you out. The sight alone is almost enough to make you cum. You can barely believe that not only do you have a gorgeous man burying his face in your pussy, but he’s getting off on it too. Eric suddenly moans extra loudly and the combination of hearing such a dirty sound come from his mouth and feeling his voice’s vibrations in your clit finally pushes you over the edge.

Choking out a high pitched moan, your body trembles and your hips spasm and you don’t think you’ve ever orgasmed harder than this in your life. You’re gasping and panting as you come down and you let your body go slack. “Oh my god,” you say with a bit of a laugh, your chest still heaving. Eric has a self-satisfied look on his face and normally you might find that annoying, but after the way he made you cum just now, you think it’s absolutely warranted.

He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and moves up the bed to cage you between his arms and give you a peck on the corner of your mouth. “Good?” Eric asks, still smirking a bit.

“I feel kinda like I’m floating,” you sigh with a blissful smile.

“Do you wanna keep going or are you done for the night?”, Eric inquires.

“I can keep going,” you insist, “just let me catch my breath first. Besides, it would feel awfully unfair if you got to see me naked tonight but I only got to see you fully dressed.”

“You’re still wearing a bra,” Eric points out cheekily. You roll your eyes good-naturedly.

“That’s not the point.”

“I know, I know, I’m messing with you,” he jokes, rolling off of you to sit up next to your reclining figure. “But I still would like to see you with your bra off,” Eric says cheekily.

“I suppose that could be arranged,” you say with a sly smile as you sit up. Reaching behind your back, you unhook it and let the garment slide down your shoulders. Eric looks intently at your breasts as you toss your bra on the floor.

“You’re so fucking hot,” he mutters under his breath, continuing to stare. Based on his facial expression you don’t think he’s even aware that he said anything. Eric reaches out a hand and stops only inches away from your chest before he asks, “can I?”

“As much as you like, Eric,” you confirm, obsessed with the way his mind seems to be almost crumbling just from looking at your tits. He finally closes the distance with his hand, grabbing and gently massaging the flesh and his mouth finds your nipple on the other side, running his flattened tongue over it then taking it into his mouth, beginning to suck.

Originally, you just agreed to let him do this for his own enjoyment. You didn’t expect to get so much more out of someone else touching your breasts than you did when it was just yourself. You’re unable to hold back a pleasured sigh due to how enthusiastic Eric is with his mouth and hands. He pulls his lips off of you with a slight ‘pop’ and before you can even register what’s happening, he’s biting down on the inside of your breast causing you to yelp in surprise.

Immediately, Eric apologizes, but there’s little remorse in his voice as he proudly watches the red mark bloom on your skin. He dives back in to kiss and lick the newly formed bruise. He goes up to kiss your mouth and he’s grinning widely, incredibly pleased with himself.

“Happy with your results?”, you ask, quirking an eyebrow.

“Extremely,” Eric says chuckling. You flick his forehead lightly.

“There’s something you need to fix, though,” you tell him.

“Fix?”

“Yeah. This whole situation still feels awfully unfair,” you complain jokingly. You almost can see the gears turning in his head and then a lightbulb turning on.

“Oh you mean this?” Eric raises his eyebrows with a smirk then gets off the bed to stand in front of it so you can watch him as he takes his shirt off.

“What a smart boy,” you praise sarcastically, watching him hungrily as he begins to remove his pants too. But when he’s finally down to just his underwear, your jaw drops a little bit. You hadn’t paid attention earlier but now that you’re looking, it’s impossible to deny that Eric is big. And this is only from what you can see while he’s still got a layer on. His smile is wolfish as he notices you staring.

“Got anything to say?”, Eric teases, crawling back on top of you and dragging his teeth down your neck with a chuckle. You just moan in response as he sucks another harsh mark onto your skin, this one directly at the base of your neck.

“No fair,” you whine, squirming underneath him. He bites you a couple more times, then you grab his chin. “Can’t I have a turn?” Eric simply hums in agreement then rolls onto his back and pulls you on top of him so that you’re straddling his hips. When you put your weight down, you can feel how hard he is within his underwear and you briefly wonder what it will be like once he’s inside you. Having him underneath you lights an unexpected fire in your belly and you’re suddenly consumed by the need to own him, have him as yours.

Which is exactly what you plan to do… as soon as you confirm one thing. “Eric,” you murmur, pecking him softly on the lips, “this isn’t just sex, right?” Eric smiles fondly at you.

“God, no. I want to be with you. Unless… that’s not what you want?” He looks at you hopefully.

“I want the same thing,” you agree and with a sudden rush of boldness, you lean down and mumble against his neck, “I needed to be sure that you were mine.” When you hear a shuddering breath escape Eric and feel his dick twitch in response, you know that you’ve had quite an effect on him. You roughly drag your front teeth down the side of his throat, pondering how to go about marking him. “Can I put marks where people can see? You’ll let me claim you, yeah?”, you beg softly, placing gentle kisses along his collarbone.

“Fuck… I didn’t realize you’d have a possessive streak,” Eric groans. “That’s really sexy.” He suddenly lets out a gasp of pain when you bite down. You move your lips to his jawline, right beneath his ear and pull a bit of skin between your teeth and start sucking hard. When you pull away and see the mark darkening on his skin, you feel yourself swell a little with pride at your success. You repeat this along his jaw and down his neck until Eric has a noticeable path of bruises reaching his shoulder.

With your full weight, you settle your hips back down on his, rubbing yourself along his clothed cock and relishing the way you can feel your arousal soaking through his underwear. Eric moans loudly but then grabs your hips to still your movements and sits up against the headboard. He emits a whine as you reposition yourself in his lap and run your hands over his chest.

“Can I fuck you now?” Eric’s eyes are desperate and ravenous. Nobody has ever looked at you like that before and it makes your insides burn with desire.

“…Yeah,” you choke out. You get off of him so he can finally uncover himself completely and you don’t expect your breath to hitch the way it does when erection springs free from its confines. “Holy shit,” you mumble, staring. How does it seem even larger up close? Is it even going to fit?

Without even really thinking about it, your hand reaches out hesitantly to touch him and you gasp in surprise when Eric takes your wrist and guides you the rest of the way. Experimentally, you pump him a few times before letting go to return to your original position in his lap.

It’s finally about to happen and you suddenly feel shy again, causing you to bite your lower lip and look into his eyes for reassurance. “We don’t have to go through with this if you aren’t comfortable,” Eric reminds you, but you shake your head.

“Please,” you beg.

“Anything for you,” Eric says, placing a quick kiss to your lips and then positions his cock right at your entrance as you kneel, hips hovering above his. You slowly sink down on him, barely enveloping him past the tip. It hurts more than you expected, but it almost feels good too, and you can’t help but let out a string of curses and broken moans as you try to adjust to the unfamiliar sensation. Pushing past the burn, you lower yourself down more, Eric praising you, running his hands soothingly over your thighs.

You’re panting as you dig your fingernails into his shoulders and if you didn’t pause to look at his face, you would have missed the way Eric is gazing at you as if you hold the whole universe in your hands. Neither of you has said those words yet, but right now, you can’t deny that you feel deeply and utterly loved. Loved by this person who chose to see you instead of just looking at you. You don’t want to say anything for fear of ruining this moment by taking things too fast, so you cup his cheek with one palm and hope that the gesture is enough for him to understand your heart. And when Eric flutters his eyes closed and leans into your touch, you get the feeling that he does.

It takes one more final push before you can feel him bottoming out inside you. You let your head fall back as you gasp for breath. “Please move,” you whimper. “I don’t think I can do it myself.” Eric pulls you towards him to press your torso against his, which lifts your hips slightly in the process. He uses the new angle to slowly pull himself out a bit then plants his feet to thrust back in from underneath you causing you to yelp and whimper. His movements are slow but strong, and the friction you feel inside makes your legs tremble. And much to your satisfaction, Eric isn’t remotely hesitant to be vocal, his extended moans, deep breathing, and occasional whines turning you on more than you’d like to admit. You feel like your whole body is burning from the inside out and you’re crying out his name like it’s the only word you know.

Gradually, Eric increases his pace and pretty soon, both of you have become an absolute mess — sweaty and covered in new bite marks, moaning each other’s names during the occasional moments when you aren’t kissing feverishly. You’re sure that at this point, you’re disturbing the neighbors, but you can’t bring yourself to care, not with the way you’re intoxicated from all of your senses being flooded with nothing but him. Eric is still fucking you hard, doing all the work from underneath and you wonder how he has the stamina to keep going like this. Deep inside, you can feel a familiar pressure building up again. Your orgasm begins to approach and from the way his thrusts become frantic and start to lose their rhythm, you know Eric is getting close too.

“Please, please, please…” you chant breathlessly as your walls begin to clench and spasm around him.

“Cum for me, please,” Eric begs you in return and then starts rambling fervently. “Just let go, please, you’re so good for me, please… I love you…”

And then you cum. Your orgasm crashes over you more intensely than you’ve ever experienced before and as you cry out and tremble in his arms, Eric’s words play over and over in your head. I love you. I love you. I love you. You don’t have the mental space right now to wonder if he even meant it or if it was something he just said in the spur of the moment. To you it felt real.

With a low groan, you feel Eric spill inside you, his hips stuttering until they still as he rides out his own orgasm. When you feel a hot tear drip down your face, you finally realize that you’re crying. You aren’t sure why at first — you aren’t upset, you aren’t in pain, everything seems to be fine. But when you look at Eric and he sees your glassy eyes and he starts to apologize, asking if he used the word ‘love’ too soon, suddenly it makes sense. You’re just emotionally sensitive right now and with a sniffle and your arms wrapped around his neck, you whisper, “I love you too.”

Eric kisses away your tears and smooths over your hair with his hand. His length slips out of you and you can feel sticky cum drip down your inner thighs as he flips you over and gently lays you on your back. He wastes no time in cleaning you up and soon enough he’s pulling a blanket over you and crawling into bed next to your still panting figure. Eric wraps you in his arms, pressing a sweet peck to your cheek. “Let’s just get to sleep, yeah?” He says and you allow yourself to doze off, safe and warm within his embrace.

~~~

When Monday rolls around, you don’t know how to feel about going to school with a few too many hickies to realistically cover up. You’re proud of who you got them from, but at the same time, you’re a bit mortified. People have been giving you weird glances since you arrived this morning and you know it’s because your neck is covered in bite marks and bruises. As you walk into the classroom, you see one or two people whispering and while you doubt they’re saying anything mean, it’s still embarrassing knowing that they can’t help but to mention to their friends how obvious it is.

Not long after you sit down, you hear a familiar voice cheerfully announce “Hey, babe!” You turn to smile at Eric who’s making his way towards you, giving you a quick kiss on the lips before he settles in the chair next to you. Both the simultaneous feelings of pride and humiliation return when it occurs to you that his neck looks just as bad as yours and now everyone can tell that you got those marks from each other. Regardless, you can’t suppress the smile that surfaces at the sight of your new boyfriend sitting next to you.

When class ends and you’ve both packed up your belongings, Eric grabs your hand and walks with you out of the room, swinging your intertwined hands as you go. You giggle at his affectionate gesture. “Any plans for the day?”, Eric asks as you walk leisurely through one of the campus’ green spaces.

“Hm,” you consider. “Not really. I was just considering grabbing some snacks and sneaking them into the library so I can eat while I study. Wanna come with?” Eric nods and soon enough you find yourself sharing a sofa in a more secluded study area, discretely feeding each other chocolate covered pretzels and trying not to laugh too hard at stupid videos you’re watching on his phone, the original plan to study completely forgotten.

You’re so content right now that nothing could spoil this moment for you. Not even when Gina (who usually makes your blood boil) accidentally happens upon the scene while Eric is pressing a long kiss to your neck, not even aware she’s there. You smile a little and wave and you can tell she’s noticed the marks decorating both your and Eric’s necks when she subconsciously touches her own, facial expression brimming with disgust. As you let out a brief chuckle, Eric detaches his lips from your skin and looks at you questioningly. He raises his eyebrows but you just shake your head. “Nothing important,” you say and run your hand through his hair. Eric shrugs.

“Okay.” Then he leans his head against your shoulder as you both absentmindedly fidget with each other’s hands, just enjoying the peaceful moment together.

“Eric?”, you ask, getting his attention.

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

That’s all you say. You give no context, no explanation, but that’s okay because when you look into his eyes, you see that he knows exactly what you mean.

——end——

Holy shit I’ve never written something so long before or even thought about writing something this long. I think I might be insane. But that’s okay. It resulted in this fic and I’m happy with it.

[opinated-user]

"if she doesn't want to associate with the community that's fine... but she doesn't get to speak for a community you reject."

then the first person you should tell this to is LO, because for years this woman has actively rejected consider herself as part of the community or even reaching out to anyone in that community. why do you think there aren't really any Natives who have ever come out to speak in defense of LO? none that wasn't an "anon" impossible to verify, that is. there are actual Native people who have seen what she does with that "heritage" and calle it out. 2. "she should have informed community leaders and walk away".

this... this is just the most terminally online take ever. did you send this again, LO? i think you did, because this is just another variant of "if i did anything that bad, then call the cops". let's put it this way: 1. why anyone would think to talk with community leaders of a community you aren't part of about some z-list tier youtube critic with a brownfacing rantsona? and 2. honest question, what exactly do you want those community leaders to do about a z-liest tier youtube critic with a brownfacing rantsona that they have never met or have any knowledge of or has enough of a big influence? do you all think LO is the first, the second or even the third person to claim to be Cherokee in the internet? do you all seriously think they're going to go out of their way to do something for each time that happens? actual Native people, especially the ones responsible for holding their communities together, have better things to do than caring about any of this. i'm not surprised that LO doesn't know or care about any of that because she has never cared before, so why start now. gygas later is going to agree with me, so what exactly is even your point here, "anon" or LO, since LO apparently shares that point of view? 3. "her pulling her i am very badass bitch" i have trouble remembering. maybe some of the people reading this can help me. who was the person who was advicing kids to grab the heaviest object they could find and cave in the skulls of their bullies? who was the person who said she wanted to grab rowling and christie goldstein golden to beat them to death with a rock in a video? who was the person who said she send a "stalker" to the hospital and got a concussion a result, but never got any medical attention for it? who was the one who said she stabbed a MAGA guy in the streets and later published pictures of her pristine, blood free, like it had never been touched before, knife in tumblr? who was the one who openly said that she hoped the skull of her ex Lizzy would cave in? what sister was that was bragging for years about punching the other fifteen times in the gut to leave them crying in the floor? who was the one who made up a story about giving out free tampons to the girls in her highschool... because for some reason they thought that made them cool rather than extremely creepy? i know that wasn't Courtney. but i can't remember who it was. i'm sure it will come to me eventually. 4. "other trans women." what trans women? you? okay, that is one. she apologized for misgendering you and saying transphobic things when she first knew about you. you're free to never forgive her for that, of course, but she never repeated that ever again and she has tried to respect your gender and pronouns just like the rest of us. but you're also her sister, one of her abusers and the one who is currently also erasing the abuse that had nothing to do with you, so i think that's good enough of a reason for her to talk about you, trans woman or not. there's also P. the trans woman that you spend years lying about and making gross insinuations about her and her child before anyone ever find out what their relationship was actually like, so the only reason you actually had to say any of it was because she responded to your lies and talked about you. that same trans woman you also doxxed her irl workplace when you heard a unconfirmed rumour from anons that she had showed Courtney's nudes to people. that same trans woman that Courtney has been speaking out as been sexually harassing her since the moment they met practically and currently is trying to paint Courtney as abusive. i'm going to go ahead and assume that you don't really care about her. you were the one revealing her real life information, not Courtney. you were the one saying "ominous" about a trans woman you didn't really know when you found out that she was a parent.

as if trans woman don't have enough false accusations of being a danger to kids. you never had a single good thing to say about P, so let's take her out of the way. which other trans women is he targeting, LO? where are they, LO? if they're such helpless victims of the evil Courtney, wouldn't you want them to get all the support that they can get? so why you're hiding them? are you really going to enable the evil Courtney to keep harming all those innocent trans women who "never did a damn thing wrong" in their entire lives? according to you, who can blame a six year old for not speaking out about your abuse, then that makes you just as bad as Courtney. just like you stayed quiet when you let an actual predator prey on your underaged audience and we begged you for days to do something about it. 5. "partake in white supremacist rethoric." white supremacist do not care about the heritage of Native people, LO. they think their culture is inferior and should be erased, replaced by their superior cultures. they think any signifier of their culture, like their language, their land and their traditions, are garbage to be disposed of. that's your opinion about them, LO. that's what you have said and acted as for years. now, i'm not calling you a white supremacist. i'm calling you a racist white person. that's a difference. 6. i forgot to mark this, but "it was difficult for me because i was both grieving and being introduced to a bunch of new people who i am always nervous about" i know i already used this meme but...

i think you had a slip there, LO. you keep blaming your parents for why you couldn't form any kind of relationship to those people. that excuse could fly when you're a kid that lives under their roof and has limited range of action. not when you're a fully grown woman living on your own... well... "on your own" is a bit of a stretch, considering you very much still count with daddy's money to keep you afloat when your poorly through out videos flop. but you don't live with them. you could have contacted those people on your own, nobody was stopping you. nothing but your own racist notion that being claimed by the Nation somehow meant being forced to live in a "ghetto" reservation the rest of your life. and yet you didn't. Courtney has kept in contact with your aunt. the aunt who is dissapointed in you and wants nothing to do with you. funny how you completely glossed over that, huh?

7. "i have a lot more reason to hate people in the family." you alone decided that he was lying about being raped by your older brother and told to "get over it" by your parents, LO. you alone decided that because that's an easier narrative that both discredit Courtney talking about the abuse you inflicted on him, but also keep the good relationship you want with the transphobic brother who wished you died in order to prey on his children. especially that 6 year old niece. i bet she being that young brings you memories of when Courtney was that same age, doesn't it?

8. "i barely know my grandparents or my aunt or uncles specifically because i was kept away from them so my parent's abuse wasn't discovered." so what is your excuse now? as a 30 year old woman, what is your excuse to not even message your aunt, the only claimed by a Nation relative you have left alive? or you're going to made up they left you another "family heirloom" just after they die, like you did for your grandpa? Courtney has kept in contact with them, despite not wanting anything to do with the rest of the family. it's really that easy. you could always reach out, you have been able to since daddy got you a new house just so you could stop living under his roof. it's okay, LO. you don't pretend to care about a community of people you obviously don't. just say that your "reclaiming heritage" is your burning sage in your room and buying dreamcatchers. that you have no intention of ever being part of their culture. just say already that you think their culture is trash and it's only good as a flee market to pick and chose the part you like. it's what you already imply with the way you act, might as well stop being a coward and be open about it.

9. "my niece and nephew." the more you keep remarking how much you had to endure in order to be close to those children, the more disturbed i get. is it really worth it, LO? having a 6 year old little girl to trust you is really worth forgiving the father who beat you until you were 15, the brother who is transphobic to you to this day and the mother who saw it all and let it happen? is your "love" for little girls that great? i'd say that Courtney really did a number on you, but that would imply that Courtney actually did anything for you to obsess over him even now. you just keep searching for a replacement, just like in your writing, you keep holding to that thought that one day, someway, somehow, you'll finally have that incest lesbian relationship you think Disney gave you in Frozen. don't think i forgot how you also sometimes ship aunts/uncles with their nieces. 10. "she'll get hurt doing it." now, who is the one pretending to be a badass? 11. "i was a pretty disturbed teenager all those years ago." and you have taken absolutely zero accountability or responsability for none of that for decades at this point. you keep blaming your teenage years in writing stockholm (when you aren't lying that other people edited to make you look worse), but you were an adult already when writing about rainbow fantasizing with 14 year old Courtneys, i mean characters. when you do try to talk about being a teenage, you try so desperately to try to make you seem like an untouchable badass that was so cool, knew better than everyone and went unappreciated for so long. a part of me understand that when you were actually an outcast with no friends, that kind of narrative can be comforting, even if nobody actually believes on them. i imagine it must feel great to pretend you always knew everything, including homework, was abuse, because admit that once you were an innocent kid who couldn't understand what was happening is scary. it's scary to admit that someone took advantage of you being so small and then don't have any idea of what to do about it. it's admit that you were vulnerable, helpless and completely powerless. nobody blames you for that. unlike you blaming 6 year old Courtney about not speaking for the abuse you went through, and that he didn't really know about, we do understand that kids should never be responsible for stopping the abuse that awful adults decided to inflict on them.

but you did had a choice to not hurt other people. no amount of abuse you ever went through would make it okay that you kept going to until you were physically unabled to. Courtney has come to terms with what he did because of his trauma and openly admits it. you can't even do that, and not happy with that alone, erase the abuse that had nothing to do with you. because Courtney hates the family for no reason, right? there's no reason for why she'd decide to go no contact for years? there's no reason for why she wouldn't go to your grandpa's funeral? his rapist and enablers being there couldn't ever be a reason.

10. ngl, the way you just keep harping on the runaway boyfriend of Courtney as the main reason why Courtney is supposedly bitter with his life is so weird... couldn't be that you were that jelous of that boyfriend, LO? because they took your "baby sister" away from you? or maybe because, unlike you, that boyfriend did had consent to touch him without him being knocked out? because Courtney was actually happy with him? because it was thanks to him that Courtney was able to lose contact with all of you? Courtney's version of the story is that she's just grateful to being able to get out of that house and i believe him. but it does feel to me like that boyfriend only accelerated what was going to happen anyway. Courtney was always going to cut ties with all of you. he was never going to forgive you for hurting him the way you did. you were never going to find understanding or being told that it was okay, you're not a bad person for molesting and trying to coerce your sibling into commiting incest for almost a decade. even if that boyfriend never existed, you were never going to unlock her door again. but you don't realize that, so you keep building this narrative that decision destroyed the rest of her life and now, as a 30 year old person, Courtney can't stand it. just so you feel better thinking that somehow she'd be better if she just stayed with that family. Courtney took the very first chance he had to abandon you, he was glad to do so. the saddest part is that you still refuse to understand you were part of the reason why that happened. you drove your sibling away, LO. not that boyfriend. 12. gygas literally said it there: Courtney has been in contact with your aunt. you don't. this "internet drama" is you stealing from their culture and claiming an identity that has nothing to do with you. you never even attempted to reach out to those people and you admit it alone here.

[hanniesbrat]

if you START this, make sure you read ALL THE WAY THROUGH PLEASE !!!

so i just got attacked on twt for the first time and i have some thoughts!

first of all, people need to learn to have normal, educational conversations instead of being disrespectful and mean! god forbid i was wrong about smth that i GENUINELY didn’t know! i’m the bad guy!

my original tweet also wasn’t aggressive in nature in any way. it’s deleted now but i had said : “jeonghan doesn't like feminine nouns): i know he's pretty you guys but please everytime someone calls him a woman or something (even as a joke) i get so sad like he doesn't like it !! ):” WHAT PART OF THAT SOUNDS LIKE ITS DESERVING OF HATE ? WHAT PART SOUNDS LIKE I WAS TRYNA START A DAMN FANWAR ??? like there were maybe two people that made comments that WEREN’T rude. one of which was someone letting me know that they knew what video i was referencing of jeonghan saying he doesn’t like being misgendered just bc he has long hair. they lmk it’s an out of context clip of an old video of them doing some rp stuff that people spread around. i thanked that person up and down for educating me bc like thats all that had to be done in the first place!! my original tweet came from no place of malice or harm, and i fear that’s CLEARLY obvious. but regardless, i was getting bullshit responses left and right.

second, one of the people that said something rude, i asked them to just educate instead of being aggressive and they literally replied with something along the lines of: “educating comes later. do your research before saying false things!” I LITERALLY DIDNT. KNOW. IF I DIDNT KNOW, WHY WOULD I GO RESEARCHING ?? just tell me yourself !! mind you the people just jumping me and attacking me did not mention AT ALL that the clip i was referencing was out of context. they were just saying things like “did he tell you that?” “me when i make things up” “he’s my gf get over it!” HOW IS THAT HELPING ANYONE JN THIS SITUATION???

third, I DO STILL THINK STRAIGHT UP CALLING SOMEONE A WOMAN IS DIFFERENT THAN CALLING SOMEONE “princess” OR “unnie”. like the tweet i was qt had a screen cap of someone saying “i’m pretty sure that’s a woman. you’re still a lesbian” or smth like that. jeonghan has said we can call him “unnie” instead of “hyung” and im now aware of that !! he didn’t say we can go around calling him a woman and referring to him as she/her tho that i’m aware of. if he has, PLEASE SHOW ME !! LET ME KNOW!! i genuinely don’t mind being educated in a respectful manner and im literally SO easy to talk to. i’d rather KNOW than not! but i can’t find anything saying we can just go freely misgendering him other than the unnie clip.

i just want to know why misgendering an idol is any less disrespectful than misgendering someone you see irl. just bc they won’t see it ? we can go around ON TWITTER IN THE OPEN calling people women that don’t identify as such ?? idk… just makes me feel icky. and ALL of the people commenting on my og tweet saying “he’s my pretty maid girl go cry about it.”… grow up. really hoping they’re all teenagers and not fellow 23+ year olds. if so, you need to learn how to communicate kindly instead of this bs bc you’re gonna get your ass beat in the real world one day.

and again, if he has said we can use she/her pronouns with him and call him a woman and all these fem ass nouns, then please show me!! I WILL LISTEN !! but i wont listen if you’re gonna be a bitch about it.

also apologies i’m writing this at work bc i needed to let it off my chest so bad so if there’s typos and it seems very very sporadic, that’s why. lol MWAH !!! i should be returning with fic soon !!! <3

[softerseasons]

Plaidos is definitely a real person and a trans woman at that, some trans women (only really on tumblr thankfully) are just like that. Experiencing transmisogyny all your life especially in somewhere as awful for it as the uk is guaranteed to mess people up (I should know I’m a butch transfem in the uk) and it’s sad that so many on here are lashing out at the rest of the trans community. It’s like rescue dogs snapping at whoever happens to be nearest on reflex. While there are areas where the rest of the trans community needs to do better in accommodating transfems and transmascs are more than capable of being shitty to transfems, the way people like plaidos on here go about it is just so shitty and hostile. Not to mention as a butch transfem I do not feel comfortable on transfem tumblr anymore cause of this rhetoric, cause you just know they’re all gonna end up transmeds policing the ‘right way’ to be transfem. Genuinely I’ve felt more accepted and understood in butch and transmasc spaces over the years.

:/ I'm so sorry that's been your experience with transfem tumblr. It really sucks that people (transfem, transmasc, cis queers, whatever) get so obsessed with validating their own suffering that they choose to lash out and hurt others.

That analogy really resonates with me, as someone whose family has always had traumatized rescue dogs. We didn't let them bite us, though, and we didn't encourage them to do so either, and it's so sad that the current state of affairs is that this (small, extremely vocal minority) group of people is banding together to encourage that lashing out.

It's very highschool clique, and very "we're not happy until everyone knows how miserable we are and bows to our every whim to make us not miserable anymore".

I'm glad you Do have spaces where you feel accepted and understood, and I hope that continues for you. I think it's important that we all have that, and also learn to recognize when a space (such as Radical Transfeminism Tumblr) is Not accepting or understanding and is in fact making things worse, for yourself and others.

(I am speaking from experience, both with queer social groups and with interpersonal friend groups. I have historically not been immune to becoming a massive bitch because all of my friends were doing it and validating it with whatever excuses they could. However, I've come far enough to recognize pretty quickly when that's what I'm doing, vs when I'm being a massive bitch but doing so because of my own beliefs and frustrations and not because of Lemming Behavior.)

All that said- I want to be very clear. I do not in any capacity Actually doubt that plaidos is a real living transfem who is just being an incredibly shitty person. My post was, admittedly implicitly, specifically about the hypocrisy of her claiming that another trans woman was a 'sock puppet' for one or multiple trans men, and not a real trans woman, and her statement that somehow that did not constitute misgendering and transvestigation, and how wildly upset she would be if someone were to say the same type of thing about her, and how she would absolutely consider it misgendering and transvestigation.

I don't believe "no true scotsman"ning transfems who are being shitty by saying that they're not really transfem is either accurate or helpful, and I've never in my life genuinely questioned someone's gender identity, because literally how the fuck would I ever know, when it even took me 30 years to figure out my own?

Anyways, I appreciate the ask, and the opportunity to clarify this. I appreciate you taking the time to share your experience, and I genuinely hope someday a transfem space that is not hostile to everyone who is trans 'the wrong way' rises, and you can feel listened to and heard by those who should by rights be in the best position to do so. Until then and after, I can't speak to queer social groups, but my inbox and dms are open if you ever want to vent, even privately and unpublished, or if I say something you have a genuine concern about and want to approach me about (non-accusatorily, ideally, as I match the tone of those who do approach me).

[blue-banditt]

ok I'm dropping some lore

Last time I went to the mental hospital, I had a , like, group therapist or smth that tried so hard to be PC that she somehow looped back around to misgendering me

So at the beginning of every single group session or whatever they would call roll so they knew who attended and who didnt— since this was adult ward you had the freedom to skip but it impacted your treatment length etc.

The chart had your first and last name, and room number on it, and we went around saying our name and room number and the person leading group would mark that you were here.

Ofc when it got to me, I refuse to deadname myself especially in a room full of adults 15+ years older than me, who don't know anything about me. So I would say "blue [last name] room 12A" and EVERYTIME without fail, despite the fact that I gave them 2 accurate identifiers, they would have me repeat it like 3 times and eventually they would end up deadnaming me in front of everyone once they realized. And for the sake of this story let's say my deadname is "pink"

OKAY BUT one time the group leader had her head up her ass and couldnt "find me" on the list so she "wrote me in" which omg I was so grateful for not having to hear my deadname for ONCE.

I hated this bitch anyway bc the entire group session was spent going on about narc abuse and using all these dumb ass pop psychology terms and everytime id call her out or even just share my own experience of being the "described perpetrator" (bc yeah the worksheets had like described BPD symptoms as abuse, so I was giving like "my side" to show how sometimes it's NOT malicious and we should be showing empathy towards people) shed find a way to shut me down, not expand on anything, or even politely explore what I was saying. Im pretty sure I just walked out in the middle of group actually 😭

Anyway I was sulking in my room and 45 minutes later this bitch walks into my room and goes "pink [last name]?" And ofc like literally everyone except my doctor would deadname me bc they refuse to look at the notes in my chart when they switch shifts, so I would respond to it since I was fucking tired of making nurses mad by ignoring them over something they thought was stupid

So I was like "yeah what do you want" and she repeats it, "pink?" , and I say "??? What?? 🙄" And she's like "I'm so sorry I used the wrong name for you in group 😖" and I was like "? What? You didn't??" Because remember she was the only one who never found my deadname bc she wrote me in instead

And she was like "no it's okay, you should've told me!! 🥺" And I was like "?? I did?? Tell you my name??"

And she said "pink? You go by pink right? I'm sorry, for misgendering you" And I was like "no [dumbass] I go by Blue, like I just told you"

And she was like "what?"

And I was like "what did you think I was MTF? . Just bc I have long hair and a deep voice? Tf? I'm a man. He/him"

And she looked embarrassed and then composed herself, apologized, and then walked out

I think one of the nurses told her I was trans and used a different name and she made assumptions. Which is like ?? Ok so you can tell this therapist I hate but not inform people when they switch shifts ??

[burmese-culture-is]

Franco burmese anon here and I wanted to add this to the ask I just sent but it got too long so here: it's funny how my burmese relatives despite having kind of understandable reasons for not being supportive (because idk there's less awareness here and my burmese grand parents didn't have the best education), they're more supportive than my white French relatives could ever be 💀 I barely trust my French relatives with my sexuality while my whole burmese family knows I like women and men and my mom knows im trans (havent told the rest yet though) 😭 (I know I'm really lucky to have such a supportive environment around me and I know I'm an outlier but idk. I think we should share positive queer experiences too you know?)

When I say my burmese relatives are supportive, I mean, my mom's cousin is a trans guy. And before he came out as trans he identified as a cis lesbian and I distinctly remember being a kid and overhearing my great aunty yelling and cussing over the phone (IT WAS WILD TBH? SHE WAS CALLING THEM A DOG AND EVERYTHING 😭) and I later learned she was yelling at someone who was being homophobic to him. And when he did come out as trans, almost everyone's reaction was basically instant support and protection (like we kept making jokes about punching people who misgender him😭). Like it was a bit clumsy at first sure but I could tell they were trying and now we're all like "yeah that's your oo lay (IDK HOW TO WRITE IN MYANGLISH)" and honestly when my mom explained to me why she gendered him correctly, instead of using the "he was a man all along" argument, she said does it because she can clearly see it makes him happy and why would she go out of her way to make someone she loves unhappy and idk something about that simplistic view of queerness really resonated even if it's not the most like idk "correct" way to view it

Other funny instances of my burmese family being supportive is when we were having a family gathering and I was getting a bunch of noisey questions, one of my aunties basically said "Do you have a boyfriend? Or a girlfriend? We don't judge ^-^" and I think the fact nosieness transcends bigotry is so funny to me. Or alternatively, my mom's just?? ACCEPTING?? OF POLYAMOROUS?? AND ASEXUAL PEOPLE?? WHICH IS??? ACTUALLY INSANE? I DIDNT EDUCATE HER I GOT SUCH A JUMPSCARE WHEN SHE EXPLAINED WHAT ASEXUALITY WAS TO ONE OF HER FRIENDS LIKE WHAT? Or like, my mom's friends with multiple trans women and accepted me when I told her I was trans and even took me to a small pride event this June.

My mom is a very religious Buddhist person who's the kind of person to pray every day and like go to pagodas several times a week (i know buddhists can be shitty though) and she's still supportive of me and basically tells of anyone who's kind of transphobic/homophobic that they're gonna get bad karma for being bigots. Meanwhile half of my French "progressive" "from a better country" relatives bitch about immigrants and muslims 24/7 and use their Christianity as an excuse to be homophobic and misogynistic and would rather die than self reflect 😭 my burmese family and especially my mom aren't flawless (my mom used to be homophobic) but like holy fuck do I respect their attempts to learn and get better so much more than my French relatives who keep white feminisiming into the sun and denying all claims that they're bigots 😭

i tend to leave my comments to the tags but this genuinely was such a delight to read, thank you so much for sharing!

[succubisou]

about me.

tiramisu / adult / tme / sapphic / she or it pronouns as a default¹ but strangers (the girl reading this) have to use neutral they. i don't know you like that. tme. white. switch vers by circumstance² but a sub bottom by perference. now happily engaged to a perfect butch sadist with very indulged npd superiority over me and endlessly fucking smug about that. working up to a tpe lifestyle one not very safe, insane, and consensually non-consensual step at a time. (if i had my way we'd be there already, but i face less risks for all that i want to be the one walking around with the livestock ear clipping³.) this is a sideblog and my main / pic sb / text post sb / etc are all pretty obvious once you know what to look for.

¹ specifically for the purpose of force(fem) misgendering in a gender roles abuse setting. irl i'm some flavour of nonbinary genderfluid for plural reasons but for kink my boys are good little girls (she), my girls are walking sex toys (it), and any parts outside of the binary are overconfident wombs (she/it).

² circumstance here meaning "if you have self confidence and know what you want people who shouldn't be allowed to have sex will violently typecast you as a top until the only way you're getting any of your sexual needs met in that relationship is if you preface asking for them with Mommy Is Telling You To" which as you can imagine sucked. thank god my girl got me out of there

³ stop trying to get your dom literally put on death row because you think it would be hot if they gave you a traffiking tattoo as part of a kidnapping rapeplay scene!! (← REAL EXAMPLE I SAW ON DISCORD) it's easy to teehee about hard play when all your risks are on the same level as a specialty piercing or a football game and all of your partners risks involve restraining orders and transquilizers and being outed on fox news and the electric chair!!! holy shit

boundaries.

following. i'm not "proship" because i don't ship things. i am however very very into brotherfucking torture cannibalism murder agegap grooming abuse rapeplay (no commas because that's one scene) and i love many many bitches who are full on diaperfurs in their private lives. i don't care if you think adults playing pretend to get off is a sin in the eyes of god icky and gross and problematic. if you send me anon hate i'll squirt on it.

always. i like it when someone cracks under scene and admits that they like what is happening to them, i love "first times" because i love when someone is shocked by how good it feels, and i think your dom should be bananas in love with you.

never. disrespectful or cruel language, degradation of the mgtow variety, standard ryona faire where women are disposable trash and they aren't even horny about it.

kink ranking.

♡ my babies and my best beloveds:

tpe: ♡♡♡ obviously!! i love MY domme i love being property to him i love not getting to decide what i want unless he wants me to i love her knowing me well enough to be able to tell me to do things that won't make me miserable and i love her knowing me well enough to tell me to make myself miserable anyway if she thinks it would be hot at the time because i'm all hers to coddle or torment or do laundry and taxes with forever

hypno / mind control: ♡♡ love inductions love all of the bits of bambi sleep that don't involve imagining myself skinny love mind control - hate hate hate instant loss apps - love changing the world around someone while they get confused and dizzy and can't keep their mind in their own control anymore. neutral to ew on the body control / roboslave stuff because i want it from the pov of someone realizing they don't know their own name any more after their new owner took it away

intox: ♡ super for alcohol middling for weed on its own really really dripping down my thighs bad for research chemicals. do things to me that rewire the way i see colours and fuck me the whole way through so i can't seperate my ego death from your fingers down my throat and your boot in my guts and your cock deforming my cervix and your spit on my face

rapeplay: ♡♡ ten thousand percent yes i read "the fake safeword" a year ago and immediately changed my entire life around it. i love being chased by someone who can keep up and i love being caught by someone just that bit better than me and i love them taking what's theirs now while i cry and scream and beg and wheedle and bargain and fight and cry

tentacles: ♡ they have to be sexlessly smooth and not super buggy or else i get scared but i really really love seedbed / fleshwalls / parasitism That Isn't A Creepy Crawly. double that with hentai aphrodisiac intox and you have me locked the fuck in. my fave tentacles are either full body horror mod stuff like kuribayashi chris's snuff pieces or anal/parasite focused like ishimura's vore series. ← both kinks i'm not into on their own but can go insane for if done well in something i already like.

brainfucking: ♡♡♡♡ please oh my god she is my girl every time. hard guro is fine and so is superlight "a tendril thru your ear" shit but for me it's about cumming so hard you go blind while bits of your awareness literally shut down and reset. if they live at the end but they have cum for brains now that's the kind of shit that has me dripping even typing this.

incest: ♡♡♡♡♡ don't worry i'm one of those uwu ontologically pure good victims!! lmao no but seriously i love it i love the closeness i love the perversion i love the genderplay i read that utena essay (the palace perspective) with my hitachi setting on "shred pork for tacos" the whole time. big brother shit is my absolute niche, siscest is fine in theory, i don't like parental stuff unless it's standout good in another kink of mine and anything beyond that is barely incest to me. also i hate adoption fakeouts and i'm not ashamed to say it. make them blood!!!

iq loss: ♡♡♡ semi tied to brainfucking and hypno and i do have a hard line at the lower end when it gets into infantilization but everything above that be it hucow or bimbo or dnd stats or mindflayers or (and i cannot emphasize this enough) asanagi draph hornbreaking doujins?? i'm on my hands and knees mouth open begging someone to do that to me in real life

exhibitionism: ♡ specifically the kind thats like oh i'm cuddling up with you during family movie night oh i'm not doing anything too outwardly weird nobody's going to catch us nobody's going to be able to tell that i put my hand up your skirt if you don't give it away by panting or moaning. yum

forced orgasm: ♡♡ in hentai as a treat because i have a ptsd puzzle box of a vagina and a shy little clit and in real life because i fantasize about being strapped down industrially and forced to feel something i flinch away from every time during loving normal vanilla bdsm. i'm tired of choosing because i never choose the right thing (cumming myself stupid)

breeding: ♡ cishet quiverfull stuff weirds me right the fuck out and honestly i'm quite probably tokophobic (sp?) on several levels. unfortunately i love the idea of being pumped full and plugged up and marked all over as someone's property patriarchy style now that the someone is my fianceé? oops

milking: ♡♡ sorry everyones favourite princess is right back here at hucow central just begging to be pinned down and plumped up and pierced through the nipple and led around by it while my brain goes soft and sweet and milky

corruption: ♡ also the best type of nonstandard mind control and virginity breaking and gender tf and body modification and etc etc. i'm not talking instant loss of female destiny shit i want someone to genuinely wear themselves away on pleasure until there's nothing left in the world that matters to them as much as the pure simple uncomplicated high of six hours cumming

free use: ♡♡ this one has so much potential to me and unfortunately just as much potential to the kind of guys on my NO section. also i'm yandere monogamous so gangbang stuff is only hot to me as a dirtytalk threat from my wife midway through using me freely. but within our sick pervert two person polycule i am so so so down for being taken at random.

chastity: ♡ i go back and forth on this because i cannot stand being actually uncomfortable (like, itchy nose uncomfortable) and i have "it's not... not adhd" issues that mean if a situation goes too long i will just space out of experiencing it? so to me the best chastity play is erectile dysfunction / edging / something involving having my hands slapped away mid-act.

masochism: ♡♡ i mean duh if you're this far down but i do want to specify that this includes physical stuff like chaining and whipping and branding and piercing and impact play. i'm talking broken bones and snuffbait shit quite frankly. i want someone to do that to me and i want it to be out of love

misgendering: ♡ disclaimer that i'm basically a cis woman so all of my misgend kink involves me on the other end of someone about to pin me down by the throat and breed me while making fun of me for thinking they/them pronouns exist. the bioessentialism is kind of a backseat driver to dual wield breeding kink (you are the thing i put a baby into) and tpe stuff (i get to decide what you are and what you are is the thing i put a baby into).

♤ absolutely will not post or will ignore:

→ disclaimer!! ← if this is your kink i believe it can be hot in hands that already have good sex and like their partners. i'm not going to be like "ok now these are morally wrong and if you like it you're touched in the head" with zero self awareness. mutuals who like this you are my angels and i adore you. thank you for working so hard every day. mwah

age reg: ♤ okay listen i love teen-ish agereg because i feel debilitatingly stunted thanks to ptsdisms but i haaaaate babyreg i'm sorry everyone i just cannot stand it something about the play and the prep just hits me hard in my own "i should be teeny tiny" dysmorphia and icks me senseless.

pet play: ♤ this is like the cardinal sin of trans kinkblr i know and i even get the appeal on paper it's just. not for me. again it's the size thing i think?? i get autsitically literal about the dog bit of petplay and then i'm just back with 200 bad exes who wanted to play pretend that i was skinny and short instead of titted to the gills and fat around the torso and i hit the eject button hard.

unsanitary: ♤♤ love the holding part of omo would rather die than see pee or puke or scat or smegma. i list those but smegma's really the issue because so many otherwise good dommy situations involve that bit and it absolutely drives me off my meal for the rest of the day. warn for that shit!!

patriarchy: ♤♤♤ sorry i know i know but this one genuinely yonkers me. there's so much genuinely bad porn being churned out of the industrial misogyny factory that i can't get off to good doms or hot bitches saying shit about women being disposable etc because i get whore flashbacks to the amount of clients i had irl who wanted dry bareback anal for free, just because, you know. they're old men with cars and i'm not. if you're playing with anything that irl oppression re-inforces i need to trust that you're, like, sentient in there about those out of scene issues and for this kink set i have too much firsthand experience of that not being even vaguely true.

feet stuff: 🚫🚫🚫 i was never into it before i got married. now i am married, and it upsets my baby for personal reasons. bye!

[antiterf]

To be more specific, I was mentioning that I find myself over critical of Susan Stryker. I respect the work she does and find a lot of what's she's done beneficial. I've posted some of her stuff on here before to share (her documentary on Comptons Cafeteria is awesome and can be watched on YouTube btw).

But sometimes she's pissed me off. In her book about trans history, she compared herself to multiple marginalized groups before not mentioning them at all within her book. Disability being the one I noticed never mentioned again.

What got to me a lot was what she wrote about trans men though.

"Before Reed Erickson became a major voice on transgender matters, most of the significant figures in transgender political history were cisgender men and transgender women. A community of trans men would become increasingly organized, active, and visible by the 1970s, but transgender men before Erickson tended to disappear into the woodwork of mainstream society and tended not to participate in groups and organizations." (Page 92 of Transgender History)

Like, imagine knowing firsthand how difficult it is to find the history of queer people and giving such a broad conclusion. Her reasoning why was that trans men passed better than trans women without medical transition and had an easier time fitting into society. It goes against the lived reality of plenty of trans men, including me, who often got misgendered before T despite doing nearly everything I could not to be.

So imagine being me, reading this, waiting to find someone in history that I can truly relate to as a trans man, finally, after looking and looking and coming up short. Only to have one of the most prominent figures of trans studies write that my struggles were not enough to start activist groups.

Alan Hart, a trans man whose expertise in the X-ray saved hundreds if not thousands of lives, wrote about a gay man in one of his books in 1936. If only I knew more about the impact of that, but I don't have access to those kinds of archives, nor do I have training for historical research. He's important historically because he's seen as the first person in the US who received gender-affirming surgery. Yet Stryker writes a single sentence about him, with the only other people in the section she writes him, which starts with:

It’s striking that so much of the early networking and organizing on trans issues takes place between transfeminine people and cisgender men, because there were of course many transmasculine people and trans men living interesting and accomplished lives between the 1850s and 1950s. (Page 57)

Where the only trans mascs she actually goes into detail about are the one's who lean more towards masc women.

Pauli Murray, assigned female at birth in Baltimore in 1910, struggled with questions of gender identity in her youth, often passing as a teenage boy and even seeking hormonal masculinization in the 1940s, before reconciling herself to living as a masculine woman.

Pauli Murray and Dr. Mary Walker are the only ones who get more than a single sentence compared to those with more masc names that they went by.

I do not think it was done with malice, but I have a damn good reason to be pissed. No other oppressed group has had it where the men simply don't exist when it comes to fighting oppression; it's a bit too difficult to believe that there was nothing until the 1970s. When trans men struggle with invisibility, it hurts to have that invisibility used to justify upholding it by another trans person. Especially when that person has so much influence over the theory of transgender oppression and culture.

I have found so much of this woman's work to be important, but I can still be pissed about shit like this. I even acknowledge that a lot of nitpicking is done by myself because I am over-critical, that it is partly not out of logic. My emotions have their reasons though, and I should be able to bitch.

I constantly end up having "it wasn't done out of ill intent" as a response to my anger and like... I can still be upset about something someone did even though it wasn't done with bad intentions. The consequence still exists. Please let me bitch about that.

[mercy-burning]

Myth or Movie

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!Reader Summary: Unbeknownst to the two of them, Y/N and Spencer's children have worked up a plan to get them to meet... Category: SMUT (18+) Content: Strong language, oral sex (female receiving), penetrative/unprotected sex, someone is misgendered (nothing too bad, it’s very brief, and it’s sincerely apologized for by the person who misgenders) Word Count: 4.2k

MASTERLIST

NOTE: This is my 2nd entry for Pom’s ( @imagining-in-the-margins ) Enemies To Lover’s Writing Challenge! This one was one of the prompts she provided: You and (Character)'s kids don't get along, so you have to have a talk. Turns out you... really really get along... and I couldn’t wait to tackle it! I believe my exact words were: “I’m gonna Parent Trap these bitches”... So do with that what you will lol

———

"I'm so sorry I'm late!"

Two heads turn to stare at me as I burst through the doors. I'm out of breath from running through the building, something the staff really didn't seem to appreciate, though their shouts and annoyed glances were the last thing on my mind.

As I try to catch my breath, the two heads stand, and suddenly I feel a lot smaller.

One of them I recognize— Principal Anteros. I'd met with her before over some of Sky's academic achievements, all positive things, which is why today's circumstances make being in this office rather uncomfortable.

It's also why I seem to shrink with embarrassment at my tardiness— and appearance. Waitressing has its benefits, but today's whirlwind of phone calls and a mention at meeting another parent are not any of them.

Speaking of, the other person in the room is one I've never seen before. He's taller than both Anteros and I, extremely well dressed, and probably the most intimidatingly beautiful human being I'd ever met. I can barely meet his eyes, and so I try not to think about what he's doing here—to think about having to talk to him.

I shrink even further.

"Ms. Y/L/N," Principal Anteros greets. Thankfully she doesn't sound too upset given the circumstances. "Please, have a seat."

I do, brushing off my uniform as if that will somehow help my appearance. The soft leather of the chairs, however comfortable they might be, fail to bring me any comfort at all.

"As I'm sure you've guessed already, this is Doctor Reid, Vivian's father."

Great, he's a fucking doctor? This already bodes well for me...

Regardless of my reservations, I turn to him and give a faint smile. He waves in turn, and for the time being I'm extremely glad he doesn't insist on shaking my hand.

"It's nice to meet you," he says, surely nothing but a formality.

"You, too," I say quickly, then turn back to Principal Anteros. "Your phone call sounded urgent... Is everything alright?"

As soon as I say it, I feel kind of dumb. Because of course everything isn't alright. My child's principal called a meeting with another parent, and that can never mean anything good, not to mention the fucking intimidation and awkwardness in the room right now. I almost apologize, trying to explain that that wasn't exactly what I meant to get across, but then I would have just been talking for way too long, embarrassing myself further.

Once again, I'm thankful for Anteros's ability to move the conversation along. "I'm not sure, but it doesn't seem so. I only bring this to attention because Sky and Vivian are both stellar students. They've never had any disciplinary issues or difficulties with other students..."

"No one's hurt, right?" Mr. Reid asks. I know he's just concerned for his child, but for some reason it feels like an attack on me, like he assumes my kid had something to do with it.

"No, no one's hurt. Thankfully there weren't any physical altercations. But it seems your girls are quite... loud."

The doctor looks like he wants to say something, but I'm quick to jump in before he can. "Sorry... Sky is non-binary. They use they/them pronouns."

I half expect one or either of them to make a big deal or just roll their eyes at me, as most people seem to do when I correct them on the matter, but Anteros gives a sincere apology and Reid probably couldn't have cared any less.

I still can't tell if I like him or not...

But that doesn't matter right now.

"What do you mean by loud?" I continue.

Anteros sighs. "Well, while there hasn't been any physical violence, your kids seem to have very heated arguments, usually during lunch or in the hallway in passing... We thought maybe we could resolve it here since, like I said, they're both excellent students, but then it started escalating to classroom arguments... It's a lot of screaming..."

I have never known Sky to raise their voice at anyone, not even in a situation where I probably would have. Lord knows I'm thankful they don't have my impatience and tendency to get pissed off easily...

So what happened that was so bad, it made them snap?

"You... You're sure you mean Vivian is acting out like this?" Reid asks slowly, and I can't stop myself from laughing out loud.

"Come on, she's a professional. This has been going on for weeks, in her school, I'm sure she would know if it was your kid having a screaming match with someone else..."

This time Doctor Reid actually looks over at me, an eyebrow raised, and though I very much believe what I've just told him, the way he's looking at me right now drops my heart straight down to my stomach, like he's the principal and I'm the student acting out—No, it's worse than that... I feel like he's a disappointed parent, but not with Vivian, with me.

I avoid his intimidating stare and look down at the ground. "Sorry... I'm just... This isn't like Sky, either, I don't know what to do..."

"Well, usually when we have these sort of disputes, we like to have the students talk it out amongst themselves with a moderator present. But we've tried that, and it seems that they still haven't made any progress. Now, I know your children are good at heart, and it seems like you both are excellent parents— You know your children better than anyone here ever could. So, I'm proposing the two of you take a meeting some time and try to figure out how to settle this."

Seriously? If it hasn't been made clear already, this man is a doctor of some kind, planets away from my league in any capacity, and I can just picture the two of us in a screaming match close to what I imagine our children's looked like...

Maybe we can just e-mail.

"Okay," he agrees evenly, and I'm surprised he seems this calm considering I've just practically yelled at him... "I have free time this afternoon if you want to talk it over."

"I have to get back to work, but I get done at five," I sigh, wanting to get this over with. "Are you free then?"

"Mhm."

"Good," Anteros chirps, standing and leaving Doctor Reid and I to follow suit. "Perhaps over the weekend we can get this settled."

I sure as hell hope so.

———

"Ms. Y/L/N, wait!"

I have no idea what he could possibly want from me now that we've set a time and place to talk tonight, but I'm just praying desperately that he doesn't want to take this time alone in the parking lot to get back at me for accosting him in Anteros's office...

Thankfully, his face when he approaches seems rather kind.

"You can call me Y/N..."

"Right," he says, shoving his hands in his jacket pockets and nodding. "I'm Spencer."

"Spencer... So, um... Did you need something?"

"O—Oh, I just... I know you have to get back to work so I'll make this short, but I wanted to see if you wanted to do, uh... dinner tonight?"

"Excuse me?"

"Well, I just figured since we probably didn't expect for our weekend to go this way... We should make it worth it?"

"Are you really trying to turn this into a date?"

"W— No, not really, I just... You know, I thought it might be nice to... make this less like a chore, you know? A—And don't feel like you have to say yes, it was just a thought, I'm sorry if I made this weirder..."

The fact that I still can't figure this man out bothers me, but right now he's blushing, and he looks like he's trying to save himself from embarrassment, and it's so fucking adorable that I don't really care that I was just annoyed.

So I tell him, "Sure. Why not?"

"Really?"

"Yeah... Besides, Lord knows I haven't gone out for dinner in a long time."

The doctor is relieved, a smile creeping up on his lips that suddenly tugs at my insides and makes me wish for a second that it really is a date he's offering... "Okay, good. Do you want to meet at Waterstone, seven o'clock?"

The excitement starts to drain from me as he says it, followed by an incoming wave of embarrassment. "Oh, man, that... That place is kind of expensive, I don't—"

"Oh, it's okay, I'll pay for everything. I'll even wait outside for you so we can go in together if you'd like..."

Why he's being so nice to me I have no idea, but it's making my annoyance melt and my heart start to beat faster, and I really don't know how to feel about that. In fact I'm pretty sure it's weird as fuck given the circumstances.

But all I have to do is make it through this weekend, hopefully all will be back to normal, and I won't ever have to think about it ever again.

"Alright... It's a date."

———

Out of all the scenarios I'd pictured for the end of the night, this definitely had not been one of them.

I finished my shift at the diner, imagining on my drive home the look on his face when I inevitably showed up with something on my face or stained on my dress; Instead I showed up to Waterstone and was greeted with wandering eyes and showered with bashful compliments.

I expected to get into some type of argument about how each of our kids were better than the other or something, but we ended up talking through their traits with compassion, interest, and pride, all while agreeing that we just have to sit with them this weekend and explain that there are easier, better ways to sort out disagreements than screaming at each other in public.

I expected not to have much fun at all, but by the time we gathered the check and headed out the door, Spencer and I were laughing, just a little tipsy on Cabernet, our hands gently brushing and sparks shooting up my arm at the feeling.

I expected to go our separate ways and walk to my car and drive home, but instead he ended up telling me he was taking the Subway home, and I offered to give him a ride to the opposite side of town where I lived (Waterstone was right in the middle).

I expected to walk through the door, stumble straight up to bed, and sleep until Sky inevitably woke me up with them saying I've slept in too late and needed to get ready for work, but instead I ended up following Spencer up to his door to say goodnight.

And now we're at a fork in the road, and I can take one of two paths.

I can say goodnight, watch him walk in, and then go home and forget about this whole thing.

Or I can keep letting him stare at me until I find myself leaning in to kiss him. Whether or not he'll actually reciprocate is another story, but the little bit of wine tingling in the surface of my body and the dark, intense look in his eye gives me more courage than I've had since I met him.

Before I can make a move, Spencer talks, his voice small and inviting. "Do you want to come inside?" The beating of my heart quickens immensely as he takes another step forward and brings his fingers out to graze my chin. "Vivian's with her mom tonight."

Yes. Vivian's mom, who divorced Spencer pretty soon in the marriage after she just decided his job was too much to handle. He'd quit and took a teaching job, but even still, she declined his pleading to stay married and eventually admitted that she just wasn't in love with him anymore. At least she had the decency to let him have joint custody once his schedule cleared up, and it seemed like they were decent co-parents. Maybe even friends.

I think about Sky, how much they wish their dad had stayed, and how much I wish he had too. I was devastated when he left without anything more than a note. For years it took a huge toll on us, and I barely had the headspace to even think about dating anyone since then.

But here I am now, standing with this man who has also lost a spouse, who's somewhat of a single parent, and who seems kind and genuine enough that I don't think I'd have to worry about bringing him into the life of my child.

Though, I don't even know it'll go that far. I'm getting too far ahead of myself, and so to slow down I look at what's right in front of me. Right now.

Spencer looks at me like he wants to devour me. My whole body is tingling from head to toe. I want to kiss him, and I'm pretty damn sure he wants to kiss me back. He just invited me inside, which means that if I accept, we'll most likely end up sleeping with each other.

Again... Definitely not one of the scenarios I'd had in mind when I left the school today. But it's a damn good one, and he's so hot I want to cry.

My flirty switch turns on so fast, it nearly gives me whiplash. "And what are you gonna do if I say yes?"

"Depends... How badly do you want to walk tomorrow?"

My first instinct is to jokingly tell him to put me in a wheelchair, but I settle for kissing him instead, hoping that gives the same sentiment.

The way he melts into my body tells me I've succeeded. My arms fly up to his neck and pull him closer, and he holds me tightly to him, waiting for my lips to part so he can expertly slip his tongue past them.

I whine out and take a step towards the door. Spencer comes with me and fumbles with the keys in his pocket before reluctantly pulling away to get us inside.

Once we take our jackets and shoes off, he clings to me like static, drawn to me like a magnet, and I let him near without a second thought. Our lips find each other perfectly, like they've always meant to fit together. And as pieces of clothing come off on our way through the house and up to his bedroom, our limbs fit together just as well. Nothing is out of place.

Hell, I don't even remember how inferior to him I felt earlier in the day. Our jobs and lifestyles might seem like polar opposites, but for right now, the two of us are on very equal footing, coming together like it's always been meant to be.

I nearly fall apart when his fingers gather wetness from my cunt, just enough to tease me before pulling away and bringing them to his lips. I watch with a whine waiting on the back of my tongue as he slips his fingers past his mouth and sighs.

"More," is all he manages, and I want so badly to tease him—tell him how I know he can be more eloquent than that—but words are all lost on me too, when he drops to his knees and spreads me apart with ease. I have no choice but to reach behind and grip the foot-end of the bed as he works his tongue expertly against me.

Each of my sighs and whines are met with more avidity from him, taking the form of sharp flicks of the tongue over my clit, and once he adds his fingers to the mix, pumping them expertly inside me, I'm a fucking goner.

I come with a silent shout, clenching my thighs around his face and gripping the foot of the bed so tightly it feels like my hands might go numb.

Once my body loosens, Spencer gets up and kisses me, nearly knocking me over. I'm breathless and dizzy as the tang of my arousal coats my tastebuds. His hands are gentle despite the hunger in his lips, and the medley of sensations of all of these things has me weak in the knees.

"Getting harder to stand already, sweetheart?" he laughs, catching me as I fall into him. His hands clutch at my thighs and he carries me to the edge of the bed, crawling over top of me and kissing down my neck. "That's okay... I'll take good care of you."

I still can't manage to speak as he gently pushes in, the slow burn of him splitting me in two rendering me utterly incapable of even thought. I gladly welcome the pressure, especially once he's inside me all the way and lowering his body to mine. Our chests press firmly together as he pulls back and starts a steady pace with his hips. He traps me with his arms, bringing them to either side of my face. And when his fingers brush the hair from my eyes, he stares into them with intensity as he fucks me.

It's slow and hard. It's heart-pounding. It's earth-shattering. It's everything that makes sex worth having. In that moment we're two equals, so wrapped up in the mere feeling of each other that everything else is just background noise. He breathes me in and I do the same, and with each cant forward of his hips, he brings me deeper into this world we've both ultimately created together.

I want more than anything to wrap my legs around him and keep him close to me, but he's fucking me so good that I don't have the willpower. Instead, they lay spread out, lazy and open as his hips move between them. I'm warm all over, tingling everywhere our skin connects. When he kisses me, swallowing my pathetic attempts at whimpering his name, I'm positive that this is what Heaven must feel like.

Whether it's hours or only minutes later, eventually my body tenses, unable to hold back any further, and two particularly deep thrusts from Spencer send me barreling over the edge.

"There it is, sweetheart..." he praises, caressing my face with long, gentle fingers and leaving little kisses wherever they trail. His voice only seems to help me along, each warm syllable soothing the muscles that pulled taut at his mercy. "That's a good girl..."

I feel tired, calmed, and relaxed, when he pulls out only to jerk off over my lower stomach. Through tired eyes, I watch as he lets go and covers me with his release. Hearing him grunt out my name as he does it nearly wakes me up again, and it even finally brings some words out of me.

"God, you're so fucking hot..."

Well... Not exactly elegant, but the feeling gets across.

Spencer laughs and rolls over so that he isn't nearly crushing me anymore. He kisses down my neck, my arm, and he ever-so-slightly swipes the tip of his tongue over the mess he made before kissing my thigh and getting up to leave— presumably to get me something to clean up with.

Sure enough, he returns shortly with a wet washcloth and tenderly cleans me up. I manage to sit, leaning back on my elbows once he's done and smile at him. He's practically kneeling in front of me again, smiling back as his lips press featherlight kisses to the inside of my leg.

"How're you feeling?" he drawls, letting me pull him up to lay down with me.

"Really good. I haven't done that in so long..."

"Me either... I um... I hadn't really thought much about seeing other people once Lena and I got divorced... I guess I just wanted to put all my focus into being the best father I could, you know?"

"Mhm," I answer, turning to face him and interlocking our fingers. "I know exactly what you mean."

We lay like that for a few moments in comfortable silence, hands and limbs tangled while we breathe the same air and revel in the afterglow we've just created.

Suddenly Spencer laughs, and I squeeze his hand. "What is it?"

"I was just thinking... We probably wouldn't have met if not for Anteros calling us in, right?"

"Yeah..." I piece it together. "Guess I never thought of it that way."

"I just think it's funny, because in Greek mythology, Anteros was an Erote, known as an avenger of unrequited love, and he punished those who scoffed at romantic advances made by others... You and I never even thought about dating after our separations, and yet... Here we are now, because of Anteros."

Hearing him educate me on Greek mythology only serves to remind me how different we are. Still, the little story brings a comforting smile to my lips. "Well... Remind me to send her a basket of muffins or something to thank her."

"And tell her what? That you're grateful she got you laid?"

"Yeah. And what about it?"

The two of us dissolve into laughter that eventually fizzles and leaves us silent again. Our fingers are still tangled, and somehow we've snuggled in even closer.

"In any case, I'm glad I got to meet you, Doctor Reid."

"And I, you, Ms. Y/L/N..."

———

In the past two weeks since that first meeting, I hadn't received any more phone calls from Principal Anteros, which bode as a good sign.

Spencer and I decided to see each other as secretly as we could, which meant only giving vague details to our kids as to what we were doing in our spare time— It seemed weird to spring it on them if they didn't get along, so we figured it was best to wait until the situation was handled.

I tried to talk to Sky about their progress with Vivian, but they only insisted that everything was fine and they wouldn't have to worry anymore. And after relaying this information to Spencer, he informed me that Viv had said the same thing to him.

It wasn't until we both realized that they'd said the same things verbatim each time we asked, that something odd was going on.

And that's how we end up right here, Sky and I sitting on a park bench bathed in the golden October sun while I patiently wait for Spencer to 'coincidentally' show up with Vivian.

Thankfully I don't have to wait too long, because almost five minutes after we sit, I hear the familiar sound of my name falling from his lips, and it's hard to contain the cocky, playful smile that appears upon my own.

"Spencer, hey!" I call back, standing up and going to give him a hug. He pulls me in and he's nice and warm. He smells like burnt wood for some reason, and I want to breathe him in forever. Instead, I settle for a sweet kiss on the lips, both because I simply want to and also because it should baffle the fuck out of our kids.

Sure enough we pull away and look to them, and they look panicked. They have no idea what to do, what to say...

"Oh! Sorry... Viv, this is Y/N, Sky's mom."

The pure amusement in Spencer's voice makes me feel even warmer than being in his embrace. I look to his daughter and give her a wave. "Hi."

"H—Hi..."

It almost seems cruel to laugh at their predicament, but as I turn to Sky and introduce them to Spencer, they have clear annoyance written all over their face.

"Okay, Mom, I think we get it... How did you guys figure it out?"

"What, that you two pretended to hate each other so your principal would have to call us both in to meet?"

The pre-teens look at each other and sigh, truly defeated once and for all. "Yeah," they mutter simultaneously.

"Well, it surely didn't make any sense when you got in trouble for yelling at each other in the first place," Spencer points out. "And then when we asked you how things were working out, you both said the same exact thing..."

"It wasn't that hard to figure out, but we appreciate the effort," I add, reaching out to ruffle Sky's hair. They jerk away playfully, and I can't help but notice their smile as they peek over at Vivian.

"Our plan worked, though, so I call it a win," Vivian says with a shrug.

"As long as you two don't plan on causing any more disruptions at school..." Spencer looks between the both of them, and then at me, his eyes softening as he takes my hand and squeezes it. "Then yes. I'd call it a win, too."

I lean into him and laugh. "Turns out it wasn't Greek mythology that brought us together. It was The Parent Trap."

He raises an eyebrow, like he doesn't get what I mean, and before I can ask or explain, Vivian does it for me. "He's never seen it."

Spencer looks between the three of us like a lost and confused puppy, and we all laugh.

"Well, then, maybe we'll have to have a movie night sometime soon," I offer, reaching out for Sky.

Hand in hand, the four of us continue down the pathway, walking away from the setting sun while dried leaves rustle under our feet.

———

PERMANENT TAGLIST (tags not working are struck out):

@elldell1204 @muffin-cup @calm-and-doctor @slutforthegubes @rainsong01 @yourmisosoup @liveloudwriteloud @mcureid @la-vie-en-amour1 @edgycowboy666 @averyhotchner @centiaaa @lizziechaseee @coffeeandendlesswords @usuck @spenxerslut @goldensonlyangel @emilyprentisslittlewhore @takeyourleap-of-faith @reidyoulikeabook @spencerreid9 @b-a-utiful @jareauswifey @flipperpenguins @pansexualthing @donald4spiderman @awesomebooklover17 @shemarmooresfedora @izraahh1 @bakugouswh0r3 @singularityjc @xoxospencerreid @thatsonezesty13 @big-galaxy-chaos @mggskneescrew @youabitchhhh @spencersjello @moonlight-2-6 @starrylang @foreveryoungxx3 @spencerreidscoffeecup @morganwilliams @emilyprsntiss @this-is-doctor-and-its-calm @gubswh0re @mrsobrien888 @loveeee2134 @umbreonwolfy @ayla-1605 @reidsbabe @not-that-kind-of-dr-spencer-reid 

If you would like to be added to or removed from the taglist, feel free to message me or leave a comment and I’ll get on it right away!

[texasthegreatdestroyer]

Anto, I'm calling you out for the fake ass mother fucker you are.

Just a reminder, on April 17th, Anto apologized for his involvement. It was a garbage apology, but that's besides the point:

When I called him out on his garbage and insincere apology, he insisted to me directly that he was being sincere, and I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I went out of my way to personally view him as the lesser of the evils presented in the list of creators involved in the doxxing.

Come today, I find out about this:

Towards the bottom, what do you see? Anto sims LIKING a post that misgenders Bucky by implying he is Mack, when he literally proved that Mack and him aren't the same person, as well as accusing Bucky of SUICIDE BAITING... You know what Anto. You can kindly sit and spin on a cactus you insincere prick. The sad part is, by giving this post approval, you have enabled the trolls who harassed someone to rock fucking bottom. That someone is Bucky, and Bucky is someone who despite not agreeing with paywalls loved YOUR CONTENT so much that they paid for your Patreon. They even messaged you expressing their love for your content. And this is how you repay the people who supported you? By enabling their harassers? By validating this transphobia and disgusting claims of suicide baiting? YOU DELETED THAT INSTAGRAM POST LIKE IT WAS NOTHING AFTER DEFENDING IT SO HARD AND THEN PRETENDED LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED, AND THEN YOU PULL THIS?

Fuck you Anto. You don't get to beg people to see your side of things and to forgive you for this garbage nor do you get to ask for consideration of your mental health when you clearly don't give a damn about anyone elses, because you've proven that you ARENT ACTUALLY SORRY to the people you victimized in the most vile way possible, and the sad part is, you're just as bad if not worse than the trolls. You chose to watch all of this going on from the shadows going "Woe is me! My anxiety!" expecting everyone to be sympathetic to your mental health. You know what's fucking anxiety inducing? Having your work contacted for the 4th time over fucking Sims 4 Custom Content. Mack knows all about that one, but she's the bully, right? You know what else is anxiety inducing? Having to to try and find the right words to say to talk someone down from harming themselves after they've been degraded over and over to the point they broke. Trying to fight back the words of vile individuals who insisted on jabbing deeper deeper, again, all because of bickering over CUSTOM CONTENT FOR SIMS 4. Something myself and Mack had attempted to do the best of our abilities to no fucking avail. And finally, you want another example of something really anxiety inducing? Getting harassed consistently by burner accounts seeking to get past anonymous asks, being misgendered and told you aren't a real person when you have a mental illness that makes you believe that you literally do not exist. Being called a scammer because you tried to save one of your dogs and pay for the other's euthanasia and cremation costs because it couldn't be saved all the while being told that your emotional support animals should be stripped away from you because of that unfortunate fact. Something Bucky experienced. Oh, but I'm sorry, you expect everyone else to give a shit about your mental health when you can't show some damn empathy and speak out against those blogs.

Honestly, yeah, I'm being a real bitch right now and I don't give a fuck, I'm fucking bitter and angry. I don't understand how someone can be so money hungry that they'll happily enable the harassment of a human being let alone the fact that said human being was somone who respected that individual. At this point, I don’t give a shit about the mental health of those who enable this disgusting behavior. I'm tired of the mental health excuse. Give me some reasons to truly give a fuck when yall mother fuckers don't give a damn who you hurt. That much is obvious. Either way. I just felt like I should point out how much of a two faced snake Anto is.

I don't imagine I need to say this, but I will because it's the DECENT EMPATHETIC THING TO DO. Don't attack or harass any of the troll accounts or any of the creators for that matter. If you want to criticize the creators, that's one thing, but do NOT harass them. And as for troll accounts. Just block them.

For now, here's a list of Troll accounts to go through and block. I will post new lists when I find more as to not give yall a list of accounts you may have already blocked. If you're a frequent detractor, I'd use this list. Don't let this people bully you off of tumblr. Defend yourselves.

[gay-otlc]

Unlocked Recap

Everything I'm saying is accurate you can trust me bro

Sophie's registry file misgenders them :(

Being mad about the series' portrayal of trichotillomania, part 420

The council is either deliberately misunderstanding the Moonlark Project so as to not acknowledge they suck, or Shannon forgot her own character's motives. Hoping for the former.

Bronte listens to Foxfire gossip. Does he walk up to students and demand they spill the tea? What happens here? Shannon what?

Let Elwin punch Bronte 2k22

Elwin Does Not have time for alloromantic bullshit.

Transmasc Fitz rights

Biana has an ✨exceptional accent✨ hoot hoot

"when it comes to emulating Biana's style, the most important element is staying true to who you are" queer coded Biana confirmed?

Queer coded Dizznees have been confirmed from the beginning but always nice to see more of it.

Tiergan and Prentice got majorly sappho and her friend-ed by the Council.

Marella registered for the match, what's up with that?

Horses are only for girls now. But the Lost Cities don't have gender roles.

RUMOR HAS IT THAT MARELLA AND LINH DO ADDITIONAL TRAINING TOGETHER

Little Miss Perfect Della propaganda- unlikely the Matchmakers are good enough for the number one match to work out perfectly, she chose Alden for the image.

Marella has a stuffed kelpie named Sir Splashyhugs pass it on.

Exillium is a neurodivergent metaphor.

Elwin's nonbinary, it's canon now.

Sophie knows about the stallion. She just tries very hard not to think about it, which is fair.

Sophie's accusation that Tiergan lied to her is unfair. He shared way more than he was probably supposed to and when he did lie by omission he did so very badly.

Moral ambiguity!! :D

Oralie is arospec, it's also canon.

The FANCY VACKER ACCENT HOOT HOOT

Keefe hates the idea of making the matchmakers happy, sounds perfectly straight to me.

Fitz has unresolved feelings for Keefe and Keefe is like "hmm I'm wondering who all that romantic tension is meant for." Figure it out dumbass

We will never have enough of Sophie calling Edaline "Mom"

Similarly, we will never have enough of Dadwin.

Ro's still a bitch, but now she's a queer coded bitch.

Keefe got to flip Ro off! Slay.

Biana runs laps every morning hmmgngggjdlkf I am gay

Solreef family angst potential regarding Glimmer + Wylie kidnapped by Neverseen ???

Glimmer and Biana were definitely flirting with one another.

Tiergan has officially joined Grady in the protective anxious father squad <3

I think Keefe and Grady should bond over having a power that allows them to manipulate others and makes them fear themselves. As a treat.

[tssidesfics]

TSSides Anti-Fairytale AU

I’m not coming for fairytales. They have their place, but as an aromantic person...I do not feel seen. And then I decided to re-watch Enchanted (pirated, of course, because fuck Disney). And then this idea happened. 

Patton was a child-king who married his best friend when forced to, and then she died in childbirth. He’s given Roman everything he could, but he’s lived his life dictated by the advisors who’ve used him as a puppet king his whole rule. He’s miserable because he doesn’t like how the system functions but he thinks he’s chained to tradition.

Roman copes with his complicated relationship with his father by questing and almost dying, like, every other week. Anxious attachment for days. Boy keeps trying very hard to find a princess and can’t seem to figure out why nothing will stick. To which Patton goes “oh. He got it from me. Oops.”

All I know is Remus is aromantic and aplatonic and exactly as chaotic as he should be.

Roman’s birthday. Ball. The classic. He greets all the noble families and he’s seen those losers a bunch before, but this time, he meets a new “girl” with a family he usually hates who intrigues him. He is not a girl and I will not be misgendering him because ew, but, gist: Virgil, transphobic rich parents forcing him to conform to gender roles, absolutely miserable, in Peak Bitch (gender-neutral) form. Roman mistakenly believes he’s cured and talks Virgil up a lot. Convinces himself he’s fallen madly in love.

Problem is, he tells Patton, who’s shocked he found a “girl” but absolutely is on-board, and then goes to the family to ask for Virgil’s hand and there’s no Virgil.

Thus begins the Mulan ripoff but openly trans where Virgil poses as a boy servant at the castle because his parents can’t get into the castle willy-nilly and it’s the safest place to be. Absolutely loathes Roman’s very existence because that dumb bitch flirted with him while he was a girl and therefore VIrgil thinks he is The WorstTM. Then Roman catches him grouching about and decides to solve this by teaching him sword-play, mostly to give him the excuse to beat on a dummy with a sword-shaped stick. 

Meanwhile Roman is just le sigh I did it again. I connected more with a boy than a girl. Why did she have to run away? Now I’m doomed to be weird.

Well then assassins break into the castle and Ever-Paranoid Virgil immediately susses them out as bad news and uses the remnants of the ball to absolutely wreck them when they try to kill Roman and his father while they’re taking a rare opportunity to chat and bond. Patton decides he is Adopting This Child, fuck you, advisors, he’s as thin as a stick, and Virgil now gets to eat with the royal family. 

It’s the first time Patton has ever actually told his advisors to go fuck themselves. It’s the first step toward a positive turnaround and it happened because Patton’s dad instincts took over and nothing in the world is more valid than that, fight me.

Enter genderqueer icon morally neutral witch, Janus, all pronouns, who’s trying to topple the monarchy to enact lasting change and didn’t want to dirty her hands right away, but honestly people are so unreliable. So he gets onto Patton’s crew as a handmaiden and excuse you who gave the king permission to be actually endearing?

Roman feels slightly weird because Patton’s calling Virgil “kiddo” and he’s not calling him his son but he also treats him very similarly as he does to Roman and Remus, which isn’t great but is significantly better than it could be, but Roman’s got a crush. 

Then Janus finds out Virgil’s trans and reveals this. Virgil thinks he’s about to get blackmailed into murdering the only people who have ever cared about him and then Janus just rolls their eyes like “excuse you I’m evil not psychopathic. I can give you a potion to make your body reflect your mind. You in?”

“Great, so my only cure to stop feeling like frozen trash reheated in a forest fire is to accept the highly dangerous bribe of a definitely evil witch! Thanks! I hate it!”

Yes Virgil memes even in a fantasy world where Tumblr doesn’t exist.

Also Virgil and Roman are bonding. A lot. They’re getting very close and Virgil even lets slip that he loves Roman and then tries to fling himself out a window. Roman gets touched, stops him, and tries to kiss him, but Virgil leans away. Roman expresses confusion.

“I...I love you, but I don’t want to kiss you.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I don’t either. But I’ve...never wanted to kiss anyone. For any reason.”

“But...you still love me?”

“I do. I’m sorry.”

Roman...doesn’t feel as rejected as he thinks he maybe should? Honestly, it’s not totally a relief, but it’s just kinda...neutral. It’s not even a disappointment. 

Well, Janus is not evil and actually wants to run a kingdom (instating a committee mixed of educated rich fucks and working class receiving education) a whole lot more than Patton, who thinks she’s just...kinda awesome and very misunderstood. There’s a lot of hissing and grumbling that they’re not misunderstood, they’re evil, they don’t even have a tragic backstory, they just kill people to enact the change they want to see, just because they got ditched in a forest as a baby and was raised by a magic snake means nothing. The snake was a very loving and supportive parent.

Roman talks to Patton and Patton is like “fuck marriage rules. Fuck heteronormativity. Fuck my advisors. My kingdom is a haven for the gays. All the gays. Of every color. Come here and be merry and queer.”

Virgil’s just like “yo no reason but in this new world where it’s okay to love whatever gender is it maybe cool to be a boy when the world says you’re a girl?”

Janus draws a knife and glares at Patton and Patton’s just like “even if my partner wasn’t threatening to kill me I’d say it was fine why?”

“No reason.”

“Virgil.”

“What?”

“Is there something you want to share?”

“No.”

“Is there something you need to share?”

“Fuck you.”

“You’re being defensive again, Storm Grouch.”

Virgil sticks his tongue out. “Fine. People used to think I was a girl and I have a stupid body. Happy?”

And Patton learns from Janus the fine art of Validating The Fuck Out Of Gender.

The advisors stage a coop and lock Janus in an anti-magic cage, and then at the same time Virgil’s biological nightmares track him down and steal a spelled green apple from Janus’ shop they give Virgil. You know the drill. Deep sleep like death, yadda yadda.

Well, they immediately claim the body making a big dramatic deal about how they have to bury “her” and they’ll take “her” home to see her off and it’s so tragic, just as they were reunited, when the reality is they have the antidote back home, they’re just looking for control over his life again.

Except Roman goes off. “He is staying here where he--where he will be buried under the name Virgil dressed properly and if you came anywhere near his body I’ll kill you myself.”

Guess what constitutes a totally platonic, non-kiss related act of queerplatonic true love, bitch? Fighting your transphobic partner’s parents over their dead body.

Kingdom’s retaken, sweeping reform while Patton retires to be a stay at home dad to fix his relationship with his kids. Virgil gets formerly adopted. The stepparent is actually a morally neutral genderqueer witch who runs the kingdom fairly and justly, the central love story is trans and aromantic, and my queer ass is something resembling happy.

Logan is probably one of the advisors and the only one with sense who probably starts knocking off his coworkers after the coop because they’re all deeply, deeply stupid. Remus probably spends half the story making friends with a troll he brings in to save the day in the third act.

[olderthannetfic]

As I said, @hilichurlrights​, you can really tell how ignorant such people are of the composition of fanfic fandom, never mind the rest of the world.

I agree it makes sense...

I just think it makes people fucking morons and they should learn better.

This response is an example of the very thing the original ask was bitching about and with good reason!

AO3 and tumblr are full of m/m shipping. They are equally full of useful idiots doing the work of TERFs and homophobes by accident. That’s where this nonesense about “fetishizing” leads: to trying to force people to avoid m/m content.

(Funny story: I know a 20-something who proudly told me she only has het ships because she knows it would be fetishizing for her to have any m/m ships. Good job, wankers, you sure made fandom more progressive by getting rid of the queer shit.)

It’s very telling that the constant refrain is that WOC are sidelined for two white men, as though WOC aren’t “sidelined” in favor of white het in spaces with more het shipping. I’m not even convinced that sidelining is a good way to look at people spending hobby time on X vs. Y anyway, but it’s definitely not a good way to look at this specific pattern because shippy fic is romance. Women are “sidelined” in m/m because it’s m/m. All of the non-leads, regardless of gender or orientation, are always “sidelined” in romance novels. That’s what the genre is.

This is the kind of insidious rhetoric that the bigots sneak into our spaces to be absorbed and repeated by unwitting progressives.

Do you not get that spreading this nonsense is demanding that people like heterosexual fiction and and demanding that they prioritize hetereosexual fiction as more progressive? Or are you pitting f/f with WOC against white m/m? The examples I can think of where this comes up tend to be about shipping some very popular white guy lead with either the WOC or the white dude from his canon.

Plenty of people don’t read fic about women because they don’t identify with women or because they have trauma or because the media industries and genres they’re into don’t depict women in ways that inspire them. There are so many valid reasons including the very obvious one of other people’s hobby time is not yours to command.

The word ‘fetishizing’ itself is tremendously ambiguous in this context too. This isn’t some universal evil we all agree is real or all agree on a definition for.

Fic is not primarily operating in the realistic family drama space where “good representation” seems to hang out. It’s more likely to be romance novels or crime procedurals in terms of its genre elements. Some of it is erotica. Much of what I see called out as “fetishizing” is actually just rape fantasy--a normal and healthy thing everyone has known was fine since the 70s unless you are, once again, a conservative religious asshat or a radfem. Or, worse yet, plenty of it is just “Women aren’t allowed to write about men” with a whole pile of misgendering, mislabeling of orientation, and demands for people’s RL info.

Writing a female Asian character as some ninja prostitute stereotype is fetishizing.

Being horny for m/m is not. Not even if you’re a cis woman. Not even if you like kink.

Being horny is not a bad thing.

Every time you uncritically call people’s amateur m/m art “sus”, you’re helping out the bigots.

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.