#btw when i say on the verge of psychosis. i am schizotypal it's not an exaggeration

[lindwurmkai]

you know ... i've made a fool of myself on the internet quite a few times in my life. i've said some pretty bizarre things, some of which went way beyond simple "brain farts" and in fact may have been signs of serious mental issues.

to name some examples of shit my brain has done:

experienced something akin to age regression complete with temporarily lacking knowledge and skills i normally possess. sometimes the missing knowledge was replaced with alternate "facts" that were straight-up wrong, yet for the duration of this state (usually just one day), i was convinced i was making sense.

badly misinterpreted someone's words because they tripped a trauma trigger and i was only self-aware enough to recognise that my emotions were disproportionate, but not that my judgement was impaired.

leaps in logic and outlandish claims that seemed reasonable to me at the time, but a week or a month later, i began to feel like i must have been on the verge of psychosis to come up with such nonsense. (does anyone remember "people in the past didn't experience sexual attraction the way we do because they wore different clothes"?????)

and that's in addition to regular brain fog, sleep deprivation logic, taking things too literally because i'm autistic, or simply ... being wrong. for normal reasons.

but every time there is an "abnormal" reason, i find myself hoping that anyone who witnessed it understands i wasn't just being stupid. because even in this day and age, too many people still look down on stupidity as if it were a choice. for a while it got a little better on the internet, at least in my circles, but then we experienced a great renaissance of "focusing on language distracts from the real issues" logic and suddenly no one cared anymore. even though it was never about the exact language used, but about the underlying devaluation of people with low IQs and anyone else perceived as stupid.

so i catch myself thinking, "it wasn't stupidity. i was triggered. i hope they understand that and don't unfollow me for being stupid." but that's shitty of me, too, isn't it? i am not better than people with intellectual disabilities or brain damage because my "stupidity" is more transient. it's not an expression of my personal opinion though, it's an expression of what i fear other people may think. and i will never be able to shake that fear as long as people keep complaining about stupidity like it's a moral failing.

there is immense privilege in my ability to look back on these episodes and recognise them as temporary. is someone who would look down on people who are permanently like that really my friend, though?

if you can't handle me at my "making no fucking sense", you don't deserve me at my "flash of brilliance during hyperfocus" tbh.