#btw in case it wasn't obvious this is a sensitive topic to me

[silverbastardgoldenfool]

Thought I should do an update so here's what I wrote over a week ago when I finished Liveship but felt too raw to actually post at the time. I'm taking a break for a few weeks before I start Fool's Errand both because I need to cleanse my palate to enjoy it to the fullest and because I have family staying for a couple weeks so it just makes sense :) also I'm okay btw haha, will hopefully do my write-up for Ship of Destiny in the meantime and promise I'll try my best to tread carefully so as not to re-trigger myself

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Well I just finished Ship of Destiny but honestly all the Althea stuff has hit me at least as hard as the first time, maybe even worse, which I wasn't expecting, so I really can't formulate so much as a thought right now. I knew it would be unpleasant but I didn't think I would be legitimately triggered and dissociate, idk why. It's just too real. The scene itself, the aftermath with the gaslighting and ptsd. I couldn't even really appreciate the Fitz references cos I've just felt sick to my stomach. I will say though that one thing I was right about was my prediction that Althea's ending would sit better with me this time, in fact I really like it and it was one of the things that kept me reading because once events started unfolding I really needed that closure. I will go into more detail in my write-up (I hope :/) but yeah, I see what she was trying to do and how it is actually the perfect ending for Althea, not just in regards to what Kennit did to her but her entire character. Specific lines in there were very familiar to me from my own treatment and comforting to read and remember. All in all it is a really difficult line to walk because of course the physical and emotional reaction this has caused me is not exactly healthy, yet there is a strange allure towards it because it is rare to feel so deeply and painfully seen, and the closure at the end, I feel, is something that for some people, can make the whole experience something that is overall cathartic and healing. Idk I really don't know how to explain it. I feel truly awful right now as if I were actually ill and yet I don't regret the experience. It feels not much different to last year when I plunged into therapy to try to heal these very same issues; must let the poison bubble up sometimes if we're to expel it.