#btw i love reading/writing about them when they were young. They're home situation is such an interesting thing to analyse

[tarastabz]

-it's not your fault

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It was a normal day for 13 years old Tara, her mother was not at home as usual, and Sam was somewhere else, avoiding her just like the past 5 years.

Living in an almost always empty house was making her feel more lonely than she ever felt. But at least sometimes the house feels alive. The problem is that it only feels that way when her mother and sam are home, and apparently, they can't spend two seconds together without fighting and throwing things around.

Oh, how she misses those nights where her and sam used to spend the entire day together locked in either her or her sister's room, talking about whatever came to their minds.

But now?

Now Sam has disappeared from Tara's life, after that night when their father left, Sam stopped talking to her, and every time she tried to get closer and get her sister back, Sam pushed her away like Tara didn't mean anything to her.

And maybe it's true, she was not as important for sam as she was for her

And that's how Tara learned that this person isn't Sammy anymore. Her Sammy is gone, she went away with her father that night.

What didn't feel really normal today for Tara was her sister's behaviour when she woke up.

She was talking to her, and even asking about school, friends... it made Tara almost burst into tears right in front of her because she sounded so much like the Sammy she once knew.

And that's why Tara was hopeful again. Maybe things were starting to change for the better.

When Tara came back home, she was hoping to find Sam there, maybe she changed her mind and she likes me again now, but no, no Sam in sight. Maybe this morning, Sam was just feeling pity for her.

And now she's here on her bed staring at the ceiling, dreaming of a different life where her mother and her sister don't make her feel like a reject.

Tara's daydreaming is interrupted by a knock on the door. It must be her mother, at least she doesn't completely ignore her existence like Sam. She opened the door only to find out that she was wrong.

It's Sam, standing there, right outside of her room. "Hey"

"Uhm hey?" Tara for a moment, thought she was still in her head living the life she imagined for herself. "What's up?"

"I was thinking that maybe- we could watch a movie together" Sam looked nervous, which is something that took Tara by surprise.

You want to watch a movie? Sam only nodded at that. "With me?" Tara needed to be sure that her mind wasn't playing with her.

"Yeah, i thought i made that clear... i can also make us popcorn" noticing Tara's lack of response, Sam took it negatively and immediately added,"You don't have, if you don't want-"

"I WANT TO"

And that's how Tara finds herself living that life she was craving. She was on the couch with Sam right by her side, she doesn't really know what the movie is about because, for the most part, she's been looking at Sam making sure that she wasn't just figment of her imagination.

It feels so good. She feels happy with her sister by her side.

"This movie sucks please don't ever let me pick something to watch again" Tara is brought back to reality by her sister's voice. "Yeah, alright, i won't"

Again.

Does this mean there's gonna be another time? Maybe she was dreaming so hard of that perfect life that it turned into reality.

"Oh hey- It's midnight, you should head to bed, you have school tomorrow" midnight? Oh.

If it's midnight, it means it's already Sam's birthday. Her 18th birthday.

"Wait, don't leave! I have something for you just- just wait here, okay?" Tara ran back to her room to take the small present she had carefully wrapped a few days before. She even used sam's favourite colour.

She went back to her sister and let out sight of relief seeing Sam still standing in the living room, waiting for her. "Here, Happy birthday Sammy".

Sam took the present but she didn't open it, she just kept staring at it. "I'll open it tomorrow. Is that okay with you?"

"Yeah, it's fine" Tara then nervously added "we could- if you don't have plans- we could do something together"

What Sam did next was more than unexpected, Tara felt two stromg arms pulling her into a hug. Was that a yes? Was that her way of kindly saying she didn't want to spend a second more with her?

"Tara, i need you to promise me that whatever happens, you will always remain the kind, sweet and caring girl you are now" Tara saw a few tears pricking Sam's eyes. "I promise Sammy" she said, holding onto her tighter.

Tara went to sleep for the first time in a while with a smile on her face, she was finally getting her Sammy back.

Her family is still not exactly how she wanted it to be. He father was not back, her mother was still not caring about her like she used to

But her Sam is coming back.

And as long as she's here, Tara will be fine.

The next morning, Tara woke up excited to spend more time with Sam and celebrate her birthday. She immediately noticed how quiet the house was. Usually, in the morning, it's filled with her mother and Sister's screams.

While Tara was getting ready, she saw something.

Attached to her door, Tara found a note.

It's not your fault, Tara - Your Sammy

Sam left her. Her room was completely empty. She left in the middle of the night and this time she was not coming back.

Yesterday was a lie.

Sammy is dead.

[captainmera]

Your recent art post (wonderful art btw!) raised a question for me: how are Caleb's mental health issues different in the modern day? Does he still have broadly the same hangups, or do they have significant differences? (That AU summary was a joy to read!) Love your writings, both prose and analysis!

Broadly the same hang-ups, yes. :3

But some additions or contextual changes!

cw: mental health, suicidal ideation, self-destruction.

Though in the modern AU, he's a bit more tormented over being in the closet as a bisexual guy, since it's a lot more focus on that sort of "sin" in our modern time.

Back in the 1660s, it was a straight-up crime you'd get hanged for, sure.. But! People didn't immediately assume it. Men could be openly affectionate and nobody thought it was strange, because it simply wasn't in the forefront of suspicion. Even extremely flamboyant and effeminate men wouldn't even be suspected, especially if they had a wife. It would just be a... personality. Of a less masculine sort. Maybe become the brunt of teasing, but still; no crime, no case.

it was actually a very difficult thing to prove without a reliable eyewitness or caught-in-the-act of buggery.

Because of our political atmosphere today, men being affectionate towards each other is waaaaay more scrutinized. And it would thus affect him much more.

That aside though!

He would have access to medication, now. Though not always have the money to pay for it. He could also get his GAD and seasonal depression diagnosed, not that it would do a huge difference.

Another difference is that he's much less social in the modern AU. He's an extrovert who loves people, but isolates himself as a way to minimize the impact of his death.

Speaking of death - he has an active suicide plan in modern day, while in the 1660s, he's only fantasizing about it most of the time. (except the time when he did try to hang himself in ttocw)

Caleb isn't doing well, and can't always emotionally connect with Philip. He's tired. And the brothers have this unsaid thing between them were.. They don't pry into each other's private lives.

Caleb don't follow Philip on all his social media (just one, photogram), and respects Philip's privacy. This gives him the blanket of being able to tell Philip not to pry on him either, or ask questions.

Only causing the divide to broaden between them.

Caleb consciously make an effort not to tell Philip anything. Even when Philip straight up asks. Caleb shrugs, ignores, and leaves the conversation in silence. In Caleb's mind, he's keeping Philip safe from him.

Philip is too young to remember their mother, or what she was like. But she used Caleb as her entire emotional support system. He took care of her, and the home, and of Philip, even as a kid. And Caleb doesn't want to repeat the cycle - so he completely avoids it all together.

Only making Philip feel like a bother.

They're both grieving their parents in different ways. And they never talk about it. Mainly because Caleb just won't open the lid. And there's nobody else for Pip to turn to.

Until Evelyn.

Who flicks the switch in the Wittebane house and illuminates the situation.

Caleb has grown up believing that if he's vulnerable, or asks for help, he's a burden and a failure. Tie that in with the church giving him both praise and pressure to be a reliable hetero traditional man, too.

Most of his friends from school moved away, made careers, got married - you know, the typical pipeline. And lost touch with most, or can't find the time. And when you say no enough times, people stop asking to hang out.

Caleb never got to even begin the pipeline. He had to work after school, he flunked high school because he missed classes and didn't score high. He skipped out on trying out the baseball team, that could've helped him out, because Philip was sick, and he always chose his brother first.

He gave up on looking for opportunities, or having dreams. His only real social support came from the church.

Caleb is a lot more isolated in the modern AU. He has more resources, sure. But he's got nobody he feels safe with.

In 1660s, Caleb is terrified of horses. In modern AU, he's scared of sitting in a car.

They have a car, and it's remaining under a tarp on their driveway. He's only keeping it in case Philip wants to learn to drive someday. But although he himself can drive, he can't do it.

He will look at the car from his bedroom window, and to him, it's just a ghost made of metal.

Caleb listens to audiobooks people at church gives him, which aren't always helpful. Rarely so. Most just sound like conversion therapy to cover most sins.

Caleb doesn't seek out things he enjoys because he feels broken and unrepairable, and he's afraid of people will find out. He rather be remembered as the person they think he is.

And then there's Evelyn. Cartwheeling through his life like a cloud of rainbows. And she made him laugh, a real laugh. The kind that bubbles. :3

And he forgets he has a suicide plan when she's around. He feels like himself, and he doesn't hate who he is.

Perhaps because Evelyn is so unapologetically herself, he just felt compelled to do the same.

She doesn't cure his mental health. That's not how it works. But when someone makes you feel like a real person again, it sure does help.