#bruce hating himself bc he thinks hes an unworthy father is such a huge hyperfixation for me

[astorianyxkings]

You guys ever think about how Bruce feels when one of the batlings call him Dad? Or refer to him as their dad? Or how he feels when he steps into a fatherly role for a bat?

I mean yeah its mostly done in public, Dick has always called Bruce Dad or refer to him as his father since he was old enough to go to galas. And yeah at first the word felt like nails scraping down a chalk board because Bruce isn't worth being a dad, not in his head at least. He was still in his twenties, and Dick already had a dad. One who loved him. But he tolerates the word anyway, because its just to keep up appearing right?

Nowadays, having repaired their severed relationship, Bruce wants to hear the word. He misses it but he doesn't dare ask. But when he reveals that he officially adopted Dick and he hugs him and says "I love you Dad." Bruce can't help but cry, sob quietly as he clutches his son in his arms. "I don't want to replace your father." He says, begging his voice to not waver, it doesn't listen. "You're not," Dick responds, "You're just standing on the same level as him. My dads and my mom. My parents."

When Barbara becomes Batgirl Bruce is terrified. He knows the kind of sick freaks out there, who ogle her in her Batgirl suit. It makes his blood boil the way any father's would. Except he isn't her father. She has Jim for that. And even if she's dating Dick, Bruce can't seem to figure out why he's treating her like this, why he's keeping her patrol limited, why he's texting Commissioner Gordon in panic whenever she's late. Jim laughs and says its like they're co parents and something in Bruce's heart jabs.

When she's paralyzed by the Joker Bruce isn't sure what to do. He pays her medical bills and has a back and forth with Jim, "Its my fault he found out she was Batgirl!", "He didn't, he did it because she's a Gordon! It's my fault!". Bruce crues over her in the comatose state, apologizing over and over, its his fault, his minds been made up. When she becomes Oracle there's nothing he wouldn't do to accommodate her. Barbara may not legally be his daughter, but she kind of it his first daughter.

When Jason comes around and starts calling Bruce dad at galas, he's more comfortable around the word. He can be a dad to Jason, Jason didn't get to have a good dad but Bruce bought a parenting book (What to Expect when Moving from Raising One Kid to Two) and he's handling it. But then he dies and Bruce is met with the guilt of knowing that he failed his son. Because even though Dick was his ward and first born, Jason was the first one he was okay with referring to as a son.

And then he came back and Bruce is no longer dad. He's B or Old Man. Its better than "the asshole who let me die" so he'll take what he can get. Except once at a gala Jason has a bit of a Freudian slip and refers to Bruce as his dad and he leaves the room to burst into tears. Jason doesn't hate him and while he's grateful part of his mind knows he should. He deserves to be hated, Jason is just too much of a good person to do it. But it doesn't matter, Jason's still his son and his heart still stutters whenever he's reminded of that. Jason is his son, his boy.

When he meets Tim, Bruce is scared all over again. He doesn't want to be Tim's dad. Tim already has a dad—and in Bruce's self loathing mind, a neglectful father is still better than whatever impersonation of a dad he could be. But Tim is stubborn, he latches on and somewhere along the lines after his emancipation, Bruce realizes that he's Tim's dad. And he wants to be Tim's dad. And he won't fail Tim the way he did Dick or Jason, he made too many mistakes with them.

Tim sometimes feels out of place. Bruce doesn't know why, he belongs into their family (cult as Jason says affectionately) and Bruce will always remind him of that. Tim is his son and Bruce will never get over that, he gets to see this boy grow up to be great. And maybe when Tim's sleep deprived he calls Bruce dad, but thats between him, Tim and the tear stained pillow on Bruce's bed.

And then there's Steph. Stephanie Brown forced her way into the Batfamily by dating Tim and even after they broke up, she's not leaving. And Bruce doesn't want her to. She's made it clear she doesn't want to be a Wayne officially, she's fine just being Steph. Except, Bruce kind of thinks Steph is like his daughter too. She's not just some random girl he finds overly bubbly, her bubbliness reminds him if Dick, her street smarts remind him of Jason. But despite that Steph is so unique. And even if she has a dad, Bruce can't help it. He personally decorated a room at the manor for her, had it painted purple and everything. Steph might not be a Wayne by name, but she is in everything else. And Bruce is kind of okay with that.

And then there's the two kids who refer to him as their dad all the time.

Cassandra Cain becomes Cassandra Wayne and she never looks back. She rarely speaks, she's content with sign language and you best believe the rest of the family learns it to communicate with her comfortably. But something in Bruce's heart flutters when she refers to him as Dad. When she signs about one of her dance recitals, Don't forget dad! Or when she's bragging and boasting at a gala about him, My dad's not like that! He's really nice!

And then there's Damian. He couldn't run away from being his father if he wanted to. Which he doesn't. Damian called him Father, rather stiffly for the first two years together. But then one day he's talking to Jon and Bruce isn't trying to eavesdrop but he's not perfect do he does and he hears Damian refer to him as Baba and he almost trips over his own feet. Damian, ever the observer, notices him immediately and then he's suddenly calling him Baba more often, Baba I'm going to walk Titus or Baba, Grayson is trying to hug me again. Doesn't matter the context, hearing Damian utter the endearment makes his heart melt every damn time.

But when Duke rolls around, heartbroken and unfairly orphaned, Bruce is terrified all over again. He's not ready to force Duke into accepting him as a father, Duke has a dad. Bruce doesn't want to replace him. But Duke, much like Tim, latches on. He needs a father. He needs one to guide him, to help him forge his own path. And Bruce can't help himself. He's a father. He's Dukes father.

Bruce being a dad but hating himself for it while loving his kids but hating that he's forced to be their dad because the world was cruel to them.