#brother's ps3 to play ultimate ninja storm when you were 8.
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uchiha-gaeshi · 2 days ago
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Issues with Writing a Self-Insert #1
In case y'all didn't know, I've been going through a reflective period recently, and I've noticed that fear of what others think has held me back in almost every single aspect of my life, and unfortunately fandom is no exception.
I remember when I was like 14 and I tried to write fanfiction for the first time (I don't remember even what fandom I was writing for). Unfortunately, I could barely type a single paragraph without immediately deleting all that I wrote and being overly critical of my lack of writing ability. Even at that age, in the privacy of my dorm room, I couldn't shake off the fear of failure (and I mean howw?? I wasn't the only 14 year old trying to write Wattpad fanfiction). I remember comparing myself to some of my peers who had an amazing talent for writing. For me, I didn't get jealous, but rather I got intimidated, so intimidated that instead of continuing on with something and being imperfect at it, I'd just drop the entire activity altogether.
Because of this habit, I missed out on a lot of potential opportunities for growth during this time. I guess I saw people who were amazing, assumed that they popped out of the womb like that or something, and just....gave up. If I could go back in time, I would tell young me to embrace the cringe, embrace the mess. So what if people laugh or look at you funny or immediately stop whispering to each other once they see you? It sucks, but you will find your people, and you will survive. Trying to be palatable to everyone just means that you stifle yourself.
Years later, I wanted to get back into fanfiction, but this time with very little creative writing experience. What held me back was the fear that someone would read something that I wrote and ridicule it for being something that only an angsty teen would write, except that I am no longer an angsty teen but an unfortunately angsty adult riddled with insecurity, and that reality would just make that hypothetical comment sting even more (that's another thing about me. I create hypothetical ways for people to roast me in order to talk myself out of doing stuff).
#getting involved in fandom has helped me in some ways overcome this fear by helping me embrace certain aspects of myself that I was previous#fortunately i did start to make strides against this before covid hit.#joining a beginner friendly dance team my freshman year really helped (unfortunately i had to stop since i think it conflicted with my job)#more advice for my younger self:#if you can't click with the people in your dorm literally just hang with the kids you know from anime club and robotics club more#also stay in touch with your friends from home! it will help you keep perspective on what normal teens get up to. and hang out with them mo#listen to your parents less. yeah you heard me. “children obey your parents” but maybe seek out more mentor figures who don't make you feel#so bad about yourself to the point of questioning your social skills. your social skills are fine! yes you're cringe at times but you#literally can't even drive legally yet. relax. yes you're allowed to relax even if you got a C (yes yes I know it's bad “it's not even a B”#on that test. in fact try intentionally having fun with cool people and see how your life improves#cooping up in your room to do The Thing is counterproductive#be. less. hard. on. yourself. “but Sarah can fence and can play 3 instruments”. i don't care.#elaine just chills with her friends and can't run to save her life. should she be hard on herself? no? then the same applies to you#you aren't incapable you just suck at time management. that's because you have adhd. yes you. it's not just the yt boy in elementary school#who threw things at people#that doesn't mean that you suck. there are ways to manage it. bullying yourself into being productive has not helped one bit#remember your childhood friend who is literally on the same campus as you but you somehow never see her? hang out with her more#matter of fact spend specifically the summer of 2018 at her house. it's fine y'all haven't drifted apart at all and you used to hog her#brother's ps3 to play ultimate ninja storm when you were 8.#if you mess up something it's fine. learn and keep moving forward#buy less takeout and spend more on clothes. i know you don't like the dining hall food but just buy laoganma or take shiitor from home#and slather it on everything. i know you're already doing that with sweet soy sauce. at least with shiitor you're adding protein#get someone to cut your hair you look better with shorter hair and we both know it. let mum seethe and cry that you're being “rebellious”#she's been saying that since you were like 10. also it would make taking care of your hair *so* much easier and less stressful#you don't need long hair to prove a point. actually the shorter hair will give you more gender euphoria#your hair needs more tlc that looser curls but c'mon you don't need *all* that product#learn to do fancy styles from the girls who can braid but let's be real you don't wanna spend more than 5 minutes on your hair in the morni#you literally go to school in new england be even more queer. queer-er than that. you don't need to be a “good queer”#also be more assertive about your pronouns. even with authority figures#uchiha-gaeshi ramblings
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