#broke ass america is ALL talk backed up wit' no power... FUCK america

[harrelltut]

卍 JEHOVAH Occult Witness Me [ME = U.S. Michael Harrell = TUT = JAH] from Inner Earth’s [HADES] HIDDEN Underworld [HU = HURRIAN] Spirit HEAVENS of Afterlife [HA = HARRELL] Immortals [HI = HITTITES] as I Eloquently Freestyle My HIGHLY Official… U.S. ATLANTEAN [USA] ILLUMINATI Raps II My Nubian Egyptian [NE = NETERU] TECHNOCRATS who Ritualistically [RELIGIOUSLY] WORSHIP Me [ME = U.S. Michael Harrell = TUT = JAH] as Nubian Archangel [NA = NĀGA] SATAN on HARRELLTV® 卍

[sandalaris]

Massive thanks and credit to @yossariandawn for conversations about Seth needing therapy, and for pointing out that Seth could be talking to his therapist in this little unfinished pretty much abandoned ficlet I had floating around on my phone. And then for convincing me to post it, lol.

“It’s not like I’m suddenly some kind of believer,” he pauses, rubbing roughly at his jaw with the heel of his hand and fingers ending in a tangle in his hair before he tugs them free. “Buncha cons if you ask me, but...” He trails off awkwardly, unsure on how he wants to navigate this topic. If he even wants too. 

“Witness a miracle?” There’s no judgement, no scoff of disbelief in Paul’s voice, but its not neutral either, laced with a rough kind of interest and mild levity, like Seth’s answer actually means something beyond whatever psych mumbo-jumbo the guy thinks is going on.

Seth sighs, rough and world-weary, shoulders dropping even as he tongue loosens.

“That day, at the church, there was this cross and... look,” he adds quickly, straightening up from his slouch against the counter in what Seth knows is a defensive action, but make him feel better all the same. And isn’t that what all this talking bullshit is all about anyways? Getting this shit out of his head and off his chest to make his life easier. “I never bought into that greater power horseshit. Got dragged to church a few times before my mom split, confessions and Hail fucking Marys, and I never once bought into the shit the old man upstairs was selling. But-” The words seem to stick in his throat, half choking him in something like confusion and traces of that old helpless fear. “Kate bled out.” The words are almost a croak, forced past the tangled mess in his chest. “I looked it up. After. She should’ve... But I asked and-and she opened her eyes.”

“She did get a transfusion.”

“But that’s just it,” he says, words suddenly rushing forth like he broke some kind of dam inside. “It shouldn’t’ve worked. She was completely unconscious. There’s no way I could’ve - I shouldn’t’ve been able to bring her back like that, and sure as fuck not in the time I did. And after,” he tightens his grip on the phone, feet slowing to a stop as he pauses as he drops his voice to a low urgent hiss, “the way she just got up. And fought. She fought her ass off like it was nothing.”

“You said Amaru used to heal her. Maybe she had-”

“This was after they separated,” he dismisses quickly, and he knows there’s no way the doc believes what he’s saying. No way he buys that Seth fought through a group of hell-demons to get his girl back, or that he saved the world (or at least a good chunk of Northern and Central America) in the process, but he’s got to hand it to Paul, the guy hasn’t once balked at Seth’s stories.

Then again, this is the same guy who heard Seth’s biting “I had one fucked up trip to a strip joint in Mexico and now my brother eats people” during his court-mandated anger management session and decided to give Seth his personal number.

“She slit her wrists.” The words are out before he realizes what hes saying, and he’s never talked about this, about how exactly Kate came to be lying on the floor of that church with half her bodily fluid pooling beneath her. Never said aloud just how thoroughly Amaru had killed her. “Cut all the way to through the fucking arteries. Christ, even her scars are too small. Just thin little pink lines now, when I saw her wrists. That hell-tramp cut deep, tendons and bone and shit. There’s no fucking way she’d be able to use her hands after. But she got back up. Nothing but some fucking gauze and a jacket because none of us thought to bring a damn needle and thread, and then she’s out there killing culebras and fucking hell queens like a badass, when she shouldn’t’ve survived.”

“And you think it’s because you prayed? For what, God to give her back to you?”

It should be mocking, in words if not tone, but he sounds amused and a little pensive, and Seth wonders suddenly what Paul believes, if he prays to some god every night or if he thinks they’re alone in the big vast universe.

“I don’t know. But that’s just it, doc, I don’t know.”

[luci-cunt]

Tell me about Magneto🤭

MAY YOU CAN’T SEE IT BUT IM KISSING YOU SO PASSIONATELY RIGHT NOW

Ok so listeeennnn tooooo meeeee, okokokok, so a while ago I went on this James McAvoy bender--don’t ask--and I saw he was in the X-Men movies, whic hi haven’t watched since the Wolverine movies/ Last Stand when I was like, actually a baby. So anyways I flipped them on thinking “yeah what could go wrong?” except I watched them in the wrong order

Anyways here’s an essay on why neither Erik or Prof X was right and the actual answer would be to compromise and these movies how how because they’re both too stubborn and couldn’t it destroyed their friendship and fucked everything up. 

Also the fact that X-Men: First Class is the best Villain origin story to ever cross the screen.

Ok so spoilers ahead for X-Men: Days of Future Past and X-Men: First Class

Now, it should be noted that I’m no an X-Men expert I just love these two movies. 

So for some context: First Class and Days of Future Past are both kind of prequels, except DoFP is a prequel-sequel?? becuase of time travel?? I’ll explain don’t worry. The point is, they take place in the past where all the characters are younger. James McAvoy plays Professor X (who I’ll just be calling X for this whole thing), Michael Fassbender plays Magneto (aka Erik), oh and Jennifer Lawrence plays Mystic--who will be appearing in this essay XDD. 

Alright so first of all have a plot summary: DoFP is about Wolverine getting sent back in time so he can convince a younger Prof X to stop Raven (aka Mystic) from getting caught by this guy Trask who then uses her DNA to create super weapons that irradiate all mutants. The current future Wolverine is in, he, prof X, Magneto, and a few other mutants are trying their best to survive but it’s a losing battle and their only hope is to literally change the past. 

This one takes place after the events of First Class, which I will now explain. 

So in First Class a younger Prof X and Magneto team up to find and recruit bb mutants to X’s school because the government wants to use Mutants to help fight the Russians (oh head this takes placee in the 1960′s right before the Cuban Missile Crisis). This is essentially a Magneto origin story and also--in my opinion--the best villain origin story to ever cross the screen. 

OK so now some details on our main characters: 

Magneto/ Erik Lehnsherr: a literal holocaust survivor who’s only goal in the begining of the story is hunting/ killing nazi’s, specifically one nazi who tortured him specifically and I will get into him later don’t worry. 

Professor X: super smart rich white boy with a heart of gold but also enough naivete to make a lamb look like a Stephen King character. 

Already you can see very stark differences between the two of them. Erik is set up as being a staunch pessimist while X is a vivid optimist, and that makes sense. X’s grown up sheltered and never wanting for anythign while Erik suffered a trainwreck of the greatest traumas in human existence hitting him over and over and over again from like age fucking 9. 

Ok also tehre’s J-Law’s character Raven, who is a mutant that can change her skin to look like anythign she wants it to but her actual form is blue/ scaly/ “not pretty” (bullshit but ok). She met X when she broke into his house one night to steal some food and then they became friends, their relationship will become important later but for now that’s all u need to know. 

ok so anyways, in the begining of First Class Erik is hunting + killing Nazi’s, specifically looking for this one called Schmidt because when Erik was little he and his family were carted away to a concentration camp where Schmidt witness Erik use his metal bending powers and decided to “train” him. aka physically/ mentally abuse him for years. The whole thing starts with Schmidt trying to get Erik to lift a metal coin with his mind, when he can’t (because he’s a child who didn’t even know he had his powers until literally hours ago) Schmidt puts his mother’s life on the line and when he still can’t Schmidt kills her. This sends Erik it’s a rage and he crushes some nazi heads but then Schmidt is still standing and mentions how “oh gotcha, so it’s rage and pain that’s the key to your powers huh?” anyways this tidbit and the coin will become important later trust me--

Meanwhile Prof X is graduating from Oxford/ generally being an idiot pretty boy. He’s a telepath who knows about his powers and has used them from an early age. He also wrote some big paper on mutants, which gets the attention of an FBI agent who witnesses the villains being mutants and wants his advice

However, the villains just so happen to be Schmidt, who’s going by “Shaw” now, so when X and the agents catch up to him Erik is already there and on a mission to murder his ass. Some bs happens, Erik tries to pull a submarine out of the water but can’t (T-T this will be important) and X jumps into the water to stop him because the mental stress is literally killing him. 

That’s how they meet. 

It’s important to note: up until this point, Erik didn’t know there were other mutants, so meeting X, who’s friends with Raven, is kind of a big deal for him. He and X become very fast friends and also have a very homoerotic montage where they become dads for a bunch of mutant teenagers, because they realize they can use X to track all these baby mutants, collect them, and train them so they don’t grow up fearing their powers. 

Anyways, the other thing about this is that now that Erik has this newfound group of people that are just like him, he’s opening up, and X is helping him realize he’s actually so much more powerful when he taps into happy memories rather than fueling himself on pain and rage. This scene always makes me sob oh my god--

Also, fellas--is it gay to “access the brightest cortex” of your homies memories and remind him that hate and pain are not good motivators before reminding him that he has good memories he can draw on and showing him that his life has not been entirely painful?

YEs, the answer is yes are u shitting me??

ok so anyways--something to note about this is that X and Erik are both very protective of all their new kids, but Erik is especially so. I’m going to be getting into this more but just tab thsi thought for later :)

Now, the plot’s kicking up a bit, because it’s at this point that Erik and X capture one of Shaw’s (aka the nazi’s) main lackies and they question her until she gives them the info that Shaw’s planning on using the Cuban Missile Crisis tensions to start a nuclear war to wipe out all humans so that only mutants survive in the new world. 

Obviously they want to stop him, but also, you can kind of tell that Erik is not totally against this plan, which only gets to be more later but that’s for later. 

Right now I wanna take a quick break to talk about Raven--aka Mystic, aka J-Law. She and X were childhood friends and she kind of clung to him because she doesn’t have family/ anyone she can really be herself around besides him. 

X insistently says throughout the movie he sees her as a sister, but it’s kinda obvious she’d be down to fuck. She has this big plotline where she keeps trying to get X to understand why it’s so frustrating for her to have to be using energy to look “human.” Because her natural form is the one with the blue skin. X doesn’t understand this because his power is easy to hide, it’s simple for him to just fake-human and have no one be any wiser, Raven, however, doesn’t have that luxury and when she tries to explain this to X it just flies over his head, insisting she hide her natural self to better fit in if that’s what she really wants. 

Queue Erik, who comes in as a king of self love. He’s pretty blunt about it, but his point is basically “you’re wasting energy by constantly pretending you’re something you’re not--stop” and she responds essentially with “yeah but then no one will like me” to which he responds “then make them.”  

Raven’s relationship with both the boys is used through both First Class and DoFP to really highlight their faults. X believes humans and mutants can coexist but he thinks we go about doign that by completely ignoring the pages of history of abuse mutants have suffered--and it’s mostly because he hasn’t experienced it. 

Erik on the other hand will do everything and anything he possibly can to protect his new family/ people, and in his head that means exterminating any and all threats. By the end of the movie--humans become one of those threats. 

The point of this whole ramble is that: they both represent utter opposites, BUT, X’s blind optimism and Erik’s blind pessimism are equally bad.

Ok so back to plot for a second to prove this. 

Shaw is revealed to be a mutant himself and he also has a helmet that can block telepathy. (yes it’s the magneto helmetjasjd;fkjaskl;dfjasldkj jsut wait).

His plan’s complicated but basically: he’s going to poke America and Russia until they pop and incite a nuclear war. And it works. The whole pre-climax of the film sees X, Erik, Raven, and the other mutants all working double time to stop Shaw’s plan (AND IT INVOLVES ERIK SUCCESSFULLY PULING A SUBMARINE OUT OF THE WATER!!! BECAUSE NOW HE’S USING HAPPINESS INSTEAD OF ANGER/ PAIN!!!). 

Anywho, they’re doing all this, but then some bullshit happens, the plane they’re on crashes oh and -- yeah there’s this part where Erik uses himself as a seatbelt for X it’s fantastic but anyways--

This is finally the climax of the film. 

Also possibly the greatest scene in film history in my humble opinion. 

Because listen--in order to stop Shaw they need the helmet off of him so that X can telepathically freeze his ass and they can arrest him or whatever. So they split up--Erik rushes into the wreckage to find Shaw and X stays behind ready to freeze the guy as soon as the helmet comes off but--

Well, vengence is just too tempting. 

So when Erik gets Shaws helmet off, X freezes the guy, and he’s ecstatic, at least until he realizes Erik plans on killing Shaw. 

He’s pleading with Erik because this is vengence and he can’t chose that but Erik just puts on the helmet and--taunts Shaw, pulling out the coin Shaw taunted him with all those years ago and in a mimickry of the game Shaw forced him to play as a child and killed his mother over--he slowly floats the coin at Shaws head, telling him “I’m going to count to ten, and all you have to do is move.” 

But he can’t--because X is holding him--and that’s the point, Erik wants him as helpless as he was, and X can’t let his hold on Shaw go because that would mean putting Erik in danger but he’s also in Shaws head so he feels the coin go through his head as though Erik was doing it to him and the fucking cinematography in this scene is so fuaksdjf;laksjd;fjasd;lkfjadsl;asdjf;ljL:DKJFL:SDKJFL:D KFUCKKKKK

This scene is cinematic perfection don’t fucking lOOK at me unless you agree.

T-T and then, it only gets worse, because now Erik’s finally finished his original purpose--killing the man who killed his mother and ruined his life--and now he’s got a new one, aka protecting his new family aka the mutants. 

AND HE’S ONLY PROVEN RIGHT THAT HUMANS ARE A THREAT BECAUSE THEY TURN AND TRY TO KILL ALL THE MUTANTS IN THE PLANE CRASH AND JSUT--

And so he stops all the missiles flying their way, and turns them around on the humans and X has to stop him but he’s not listening and the rawest fucking line in the whole movie comes when X says

“There’s hundreds of men on those ships--innocent men. They’re just following orders!” 

And Erik simply replies, “I’ve been at the mercy of men ‘just following orders’--never again.” 

And then he goes to blow up the shipsthen one of the other characters goes to shoot Erik and he deflects the bullet wtihout thinking right. into. X’s. back. 

Paralysing him. 

And just akjd;fjasdflkjasd;lfkj this scene speaks for itself

Listen just--akjdsf;ljasdlk jguys this movie has no right being this good.

And then the movie closes off with X and Erik literally begging one another to just see it their way--because they both want so badly to be on the same side but they’re too stubborn and they refuse to see compromise and just ajkdf;lja;sdkfja;sdljkfsadlkf

Ok I realize now that I barely talked about DoFP but this is already so long. The major things I was going to bring up was teh absolutely fantastic bitter exes energy that McAvoy and Fassbender bring to that movie it’s excellent but also the fact that X is literally the only person Erik goes out of his way not to kill despite standing directly in the way of Erik’s goal. 

Like, you remember my whole deal with Raven??? yeah that’s x10 in DoFP (which takes place quickly after this movie) yeah so her and Erik are close, and shown to be close, but the second he thinks she endangers his fam he literally 180′s so quick and tries to straight up murder her. 

BUT HE FUCKING BENDS THE BULLET AROUND X’s HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! X!!!!!!!!!! WHO’S LITERALLY 100% AGAINST HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST

Ok, that’s all. By the way I don’t want to like, up your expecations too much because I actually kind of hate X-Men: First Class almost as much as I love it?? it’s very..... of it’s era, and cheesy, and dumb--but fucking magneto you guys holy SHIT

[thegeminisage]

the south is like another country

i have an entire essay on how the current radicalism and steep political divide in this country can be traced directly back to the civil war - rural white southerners here playing the part pre-ww2 germany, the part of a resentful, conquered nation assimilated into the nation that conquered them, because if you think about it the south/the confederacy WAS its own nation for a time, that lost a very bloody war, and paid very steeply for it (not that slavers didn’t deserve every bit of misery the “carpetbaggers” threw at them), and the bitterness from that loss/the lost capital from having their slaves freed has been handed down through the generations, to people who now live in abject poverty while their livelihoods are destroyed by late stage capitalism, and their schools are so broke a lot of people here don’t even know how to read, and their towns are eaten alive with meth, and they’re still looked down upon by most of the country for being racist uneducated backwater hicks (to be clear, we should always look down on racism and racists, but it’s not making them any less bitter/ripe for being drawn into the cult of tr*mp’s america and f*cism).

but anyway this post isn’t about that! this post is about how when i go up north and i say “y’all it really is like i’m living in a different country” NOBODY BELIEVES ME. we speak the same language, we’re all americans, right? PFFFFFT. this amazon van thing just drives it home (pun intended). here’s a list of differences from the deep south* to the rest of the country*:

*the deep south here meaning the RURAL deep south. sorry to everyone who lives in cities/the suburbs and/or in border states like maryland and virginia. i’ve been to maryland and virginia and they are technically southern and some of this applies to them but it is not quite as extreme as it is here. the rest of the country includes the other states i’ve been to (california, washington state, new york, etc), which are in mostly every area except the midwest. i cannot personally vouch for the midwest. sorry, midwesterners! rural midwest probably has a lot of things in common with the deep south because rural life is different and also how easily people move around this country, but whatever

this is a long-ass post get ready

difference #1: DRIVING. driving & pedestrians are entirely different un rural areas vs urban areas. for starters, southern towns often do not even have sidewalks. this is because of 1. budget and 2. racism.

budget: rural towns are very spread out, and it costs major $$$ to put sidewalks in. it’s just not worth the trouble, financially, to put a sidewalk where only 12 people are ever going to use it, AND spend the money to maintain it. never gonna happen. racism: initially, suburbs especially in the south were seen as safe havens where people could get away from the stress of living in “urban” (re: integrated) areas. that the neighborhoods were only accessible by car and NOT by people who were too poor (black) to afford automobiles were just an added bonus. 

as such, the first time i left the southeast, i was SHOCKED to see people walking and biking WITH (or indifferent to) the flow of traffic. down here we are taught that if you are walking along the road (or biking, because bikers get lumped in with pedestrians down here), it is very very very crucial that you walk against the flow of traffic, because you cannot expect drivers to see you and not mow you down. the onus is on YOU to get out of THEIR way. additionally, walking in knee-high grass along the side of the road sucks, and because there aren’t many people here, the roads are usually totally empty. so oftentimes pedestrians just straight up walk ON the road. and if you do that you absolutely have to be able to see a car coming from a long way away, because rural drivers on completely empty roads tend to take them at extremely high speeds just for fun. the people who live diagonally across from me have had to replace their mailbox four times because folks take that blind curve at 90mph. i had a cat get hit by a car on that road. (they all live indoors now.) i even witnessed a car accident happen there when i was just outside minding my own business. ever see a tire fly 12 feet into the air and come down into someone’s windshield? that’s what happens when you hit power line pole driving like that.

the first time i ever encountered one of those pedestrian crossing buttons was in california in the early 2010s. i had literally never seen one before because we simply don’t have them here. they’re not very self-explanatory if you have been jaywalking your whole entire life because all you’re taught to do is look both ways and make sure the street is empty before you cross. northern/urban roadways are made so that pedestrians and drivers can both get to where they’re going. in rural/southern areas pedestrians might as well not bother.

interestingly, while not an entirely southern problem, there’s a loose correlation between rural areas and more problems with drunk drivers.

on the driving side, driving in a city is batshit insane. it’s both faster and slower. there is NO space and you’re expected to go whenever you have so much as an inch to worm your way in. there’s more traffic, and the traffic totally dictates your speed. in the south you can change lanes if you want to drive faster or slower and weave around traffic or let it weave around you, but in a city there’s no other lane to change to and if you don’t drive at the speed of the people ahead of and behind you you will die. you turn fast, you brake fast, etc. whenever i come back from driving in a city the people who ride with me think i’m insane. you don’t PULL ONTO A ROAD if you can SEE ANOTHER CAR THERE, what the fuck? meanwhile i’m like “lol that is six miles of space i have plenty of time” and give everyone in my vicinity heart palpitations until i readjust. 

tailgating in a rural area is something only assholes do (done by people on a two-lane road to encourage the person in front of them to go faster because the only other lane is for oncoming traffic), and if someone gets within one car length of me on a two-lane road i can very passively aggressively slow my vehicle to a crawl until they back the fuck off. in a city you’re lucky if you have a twelve inches between your bumper and the next car’s hood ornament.

difference #2: LANGUAGE. this is a small one, but the southern dialect combined with the lack of literacy means i am learning certain things late in life. phrases i have heard verbally with my ears but had never seen written out include: “chest of drawers” which i thought was “chester drawers” - “seven year itch” which i thought was “seven year each” - “albeit” which i thought was “i’ll be it.” i’ve made a deliberate effort to unlearn mine own accent/dialect but i run into weird shit all the time. remotes are mashers, shopping carts are buggies, you put stuff up instead of putting it away, i fix you a drink instead of pouring you one, we shoot the game instead of play it. my mom LITERALLY can’t understand me if i speak too quickly - she has to remind me all the time to slow down and put on my southern.

difference #3: TECHNOLOGY. issue of whether or not you personally have the creepy amazon vans aside, the rural south is behind the rest of the country on technology. things in cities are AUTOMATED. things like the little button you press to cross the street, tickets you take at parking garages, even the parking meters you find in cities, that’s just the beginning of it. one time i came across a little computer touch screen in a MCDONALDS where you put your order in. you didn’t even go up to the counter. you just put your order on the screen and swiped your card and then they got it ready for you and you never had to speak to a human person. self-checkouts, gas pumps where you can swipe your card and not go in and pay at first...the south got those YEARS behind everybody else. in the mid-2010s i went to DC and visited a target for maybe the 5th time ever and i was BAFFLED by the self-checkout. i had no idea how to use it! it was like less than ten years ago and i was IN MY TWENTIES and i had never seen one before! when we send a package we have to talk to a human person. when we order food we usually have to talk to a human person. apps for places like dominos and subway have not been in use here for very long. my county just got doordash LAST YEAR. 

because i am 31, and because the south is so technologically behind, i am actually old enough to remember how when you used to go to a gas station an attendant would not only pump your gas but wash your windshield for you while you just SAT IN THE CAR. that seems like something from the 50s but it actually was a thing here in my childhood IN the 90s. i wish i was making this up.

difference #4: INFRASTRUCTURE. this sort of goes hand-in-hand w/ the last point because so much of our infrastructure is made of technology, and it’s also more of a rural/urban thing than a south/north thing. but just for fun here’s a non-exhaustive list of things i don’t have in my town:

starbucks* - the first time i went to a starbucks i was in my 20s

a public pool - we used to, but now the only pool here requires a YMCA membership. the only baseball diamond in this county is also at the Y.

walmart

in fact, ANYWHERE to buy clothes that is not a goodwill or other secondhand store. i cannot buy clothing unless i order it online or LEAVE MY TOWN. almost all of the clothing i own is from walmart because it’s one of the only places in my entire county where you can actually PURCHASE clothing.

grocery store chains? pffft. my town has two entire stores and both are small southern chains. i didn’t go into a publix for the first time until two years ago when i went to florida. i’ve NEVER entered a whole foods.

food delivery? yeah, no. like i said, we got doordash last year, but before that the only place you could get delivery from was a pizza chain. we only have two pizza places in my town that deliver, and one is a local place, not attached to any chain, so i can’t spend my loyalty points there. (it’s very expensive there too.) last year it was CLOSED for six months because the manager got caught dealing meth. every last one of the delivery drivers was trafficking it for him. they all got fired and had to restart from the ground up. for that short time, it was not possible to get any food delivered to your house whatsoever.

a hospital/ambulance services - if someone is sick, we have to take them to the hospital in laurens, the town next door (about 15-20 minutes by car). the town i live in lucky - we have our own police and fire departments. (acab but you know what i mean.) joanna is a smaller town next to mine that isn’t a real town - it’s been demoted to a census designated area because only 2000 people live there. if they have an emergency, they have to use OUR fire and police departments, and LAURENS’s ambulance/hospital system

after-school places kids can go to keep from getting into trouble. we have the Y, if you have money (no one here has money), and we have churches, but mostly schools can’t afford to run too many extracurriculars. there’s nothing to do here but church and meth.

food banks: zero. we have food DRIVES sometimes where people will come from further away and bring free food, but if you’re hungry, there’s nowhere you can go for help - you have to wait for help to come to you.

libraries: we don’t have our own library. we have a branch of the county library that’s physically located in our town. but we share books with the rest of the entire county, so everything is always checked out or at the other branch. 

*we technically have a starbucks that’s in the local college campus, but only college students are allowed to be there. they’ll still serve people without a college ID because no one gives a fuck, but you can’t linger and loiter and hang out like you do in a normal starbucks. we also have one in the barnes and noble in greenville, which is about an hour away by car, but again, it’s a mini starbucks that serves a limited menu and none of that weird Starbucks Culture™

here’s a few things i don’t have in my ENTIRE COUNTY:

movie theaters - technically. we have a Historial™ one-screen theater in laurens that shows one movie for two weeks a month after it hits regular theaters and then switches to another, and if you miss it, too bad. this is a VERY recent addition - it wasn’t restores until i was in my 20s as a kid and a teenager i had to ride in a car an hour or more to go to the movies.

target. only commies and yankees have target. down here we do walmart.

malls

arcades

skate parks/skating rinks

bowling

museums

zoos/aquariums

campgrounds

fairs. our county fairground got razed a decade ago because there just werent enough people showing up to justify the expense. so no more fairs. you have to have people to fund things and down here there just aren’t enough people anywhere.

you get the idea. we don’t have entertainment. like i said, nothing to do but church and meth.

CLASSES FOR STUFF: knitting classes, dancing classes, driving classes? nope. gymnastics, karate dojos, golf, knitting groups, books clubs, cooking classes? [GAMESHOW BUZZER]. you can’t even hire a clown for a birthday party out here. we do have a shooting range. ONE. in the entire county. and a race track. and a rather infamous former kkk memorabilia store. they made a movie about that (serious tw for this trailer - they’ve got white hoods, burning crosses, pepper spray, the whole nine), which, yes, takes place in laurens, aka right next door to me. i used to walk by that place all the time when i was playing pokemon go. haven’t seen the movie but the shooting locations in the trailer make laurens look a lot bigger and prettier than it really is in real life - especially the racetrack, which, in the trailer, is actually PAVED. (this is inaccurate to real life.)

EDUCATION: lots of people can’t read. we have two schools for illiterate adults, one religious college, and one branch of one of the state colleges that has a skeleton staff and a fuck ton of computers (you basically just go there to distance learn/e-learn - if you want to take real classes from this college, you have to drive at least an hour.)

support groups/group therapy: almost none. we have al-anon and weight watchers, but that’s about it. there’s only half a dozen therapists in my entire county, and none that operate from my town. mental healthcare down here is bullshit.

on food: we don’t have many sit-down restaurants, where servers bring you your menu and your food. if you don’t count waffle houses, my town has 4. my county has 9. in and out, 5 guys, applebees, ruby tuesday, red lobster, olive garden, panda epxress? forget it. those places were and still are rare treats. i’ve only been to an olive garden twice. red lobster once. whenever i leave my county i BEG for chinese because there’s only two chinese restaurants in our entire county and one of them is crazy expensive and the other one sucks. 

we also don’t have the more important stores you need to like, live. if we need to exchange our router at a charter store? yeah, we don’t have one. need to visit the sprint store to get your phone repaired? nuh-uh, we don’t have any phone stores either. my family recently switched to at&t because it was the only company that had a physical location in our county. before that, we had to drive an hour for even the smallest repair.

on a grimer note: we don’t have homeless shelters! homeless in laurens county? too bad for you. we do have homeless PEOPLE. they just have nowhere to go except the churches

hospitals? only kind of. like i said, our county has one, but it’s not equipped to take seriously sick people. when my mom had a heart attack she had to be driven straight to greenwood, which is 45 minutes away if you’re not in an ambulance. they obviously made it faster than that, but still. that was scary. it took them a long time to get here. i had a distant relative of mine die before the ambulance made it because they were SO far out in the sticks, even further than me.

we also don’t have any specialty stores. sporting goods, gamestops, shoe stores, florists, craft stores, bookstores, best buys...forget it. if you can’t buy it at walmart, you just can’t buy it. the exceptions: my TOWN has one jewelry store, two hardware stores, and two auto repair stores. my COUNTY has three clothing stores, none of which are in my town, one place that sells used TVs, and one movie rental place. thrilling, right? i can rent a movie if i drive out of town. (i know streaming killed the rental business, but we also only had two places when i was a kid, if you counted the rental section in the grocery store.)

so, yeah. i know the term “shithole” is really loaded these days, but rural areas are just plain less developed, and often in seriously poor repair because nobody fucking uses them. there USED to be more stuff here - my mom was on a bowling league, and as a kid i had a birthday party at a skating rink - but late stage capitalism and drugs destroyed it all. people ran out of money to do things like skate and bowl and so those places closed. the south is full of empty store fronts and deserted strip malls slowly being eaten by kudzu. my brother got out of this town and whenever he winds up back here (not often) he remarks on how completely and utterly dead everything feels. “my friends who live in greenwood now think they’re all rural,” he said once. “they complain constantly about how remote it is. but they have no idea. they wouldn’t make it five minutes out here.” greenwood has its own movie theater, mall, starbucks, homeless shelter, food bank, and hospital.

so, yeah! if you were wondering what rural white southerners are so fucking mad about, that’s part of it. propaganda and xenophobia and racism has their anger directed ENTIRELY at the wrong people, but it’s hard to argue that the anger itself isn’t just a little bit justified.

difference #5: CULTURE. specifically culture around food, and the culture around the civil war. i could write an entire other essay about the culture of the church being everything because the church IS the only semblance of infrastructure we have and this is why the south is so homophobic, but we’ll skip that for now.

food: this is a quickie, because i sort of touched on it already, but there are like, almost NO vegetarian options here. there’s very limited choices of cuisine. it’s ALL waffle house and soul food. we have a lot of mexican places because we’re physically close to the mexican border, but aside from that, forget finding like indian or thai or japanese or anything like that. no sushi. forget finding a menu that has meals that are halal or kosher. there’s just. no culture here. no variety. you know? like i said, our entire county doesn’t even hit double-digits for proper sit-down restaurants.

civil war: i’m not going to go into the big stuff since i sort of covered it at the top and also this post is getting way too long, but to other white rural southerners there is legitimate baggage around the fact that my mom married a yankee and that i am half-yankee. and he’s not even a real yankee! he was born up north but raised in southern florida. (florida is weird. the further south you go geographically, the less southern you are culturally.) yet: my family makes jokes that are sometimes not jokes about this. when i drop this information in casual conversation people get that look on their faces like: ah, that explains it. it being that i am not religious and don’t laugh at racist jokes and maybe i am queer?? (strangers tend to be unsure about this last part, even when i’m wearing rainbows.) it’s because i’m half-yank! that explains everything! the xenophobia is SO strong here that white people are even xenophobic at OTHER WHITE PEOPLE. 

so in conclusion when i say the north is like another country, it’s because the people who raised me think of it like another country. and culturally! it is buck wild! the differences that there are! when i leave this town i feel like i step into fucking star trek! if you are not from the rural south, and you have never been to the rural south, please do not come here! i’ve been to a few different places now and this is definitely my least favorite one. 

[ot5ismyhome]

Bloodbound Chapter 25- Too soon, too late

The clan members and the clan-less prepared for the battle. Both the teams were fully equipped with weapons. Hope started her bike and set out to the harbour. The clan-less followed her in Scott’s van. Natasha got behind the wheel and Steve sat in passenger seat. The Maximoffs looking scared and shaken were sitting in the back seat along with Tony. They held each other’s hand and consoled each other. They drove off to Jiaying’s residence. Natasha looped through New York instead of taking the shortest route.

Steve peered out into the dark night and confirmed the doubt he had. He saw shadows lurking in the corners as they were being trailed. Natasha tried to shake them off their tail but she wasn’t fortunate. As a vampire jumped on top of their car, the Maximoffs let out a scream. Natasha served the car trying to ditch him but he held on. Natasha hit the brake suddenly and sent the man flying forward. She stepped on the brake and revved the car to full speed. She let the brake and dashed forward. She ran over the vampire and flew past without slowing down. Natasha drove to the outskirts of the city.

“Do you all have properties outside the city?” asked Pietro. “Is it some kind of vampire thing?”

“Most of us who don’t want to attract attention have. Some divas like having large buildings in the centre of the city with their name written on it” chuckled Natasha earning a sideways glance from Steve. Tony shrugged

They were almost near Jiaying’s house but their path was blocked by a large truck. On the top of the truck, Stane and Toomes were standing. Natasha hit the brakes. Rumlow gave a sly smile as he loosened the latch and joined the others on the top. Natasha, Steve and Pietro heard slight growling sound from inside. The back door of the truck flew open followed by the ferals flowing out in mass heard.

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck” shouted Wanda. “Turn around” she added.

Natasha turned her car and drove it down the muddy path which cut off from the main road. The uneven road was making them slower and the ferals were gaining on them.

“Drive faster. Drive faster”

“Shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP.”

“Where the hell are you going? The city is certainly not this side” Wanda asked.

“We can’t lead the ferals back to the city. It will be a disaster.”

“Then where are we going?”

“To my safe house.”

The bushes become so thick for the car to pass through. Natasha hit the brake and got out. She shouted for them to follow her as she ran along the trail. The twins ran behind her followed by Tony and Steve. They reached her house before the ferals caught up with them. They ran inside and closed the door.

“The house can’t hold them off for long. We need to fight them.” Natasha said as she took out guns from her backpack and passed it on to Tony and the twins. She and Steve equipped themselves with a gun and stakes. Steve called Howard and asked for back up. Natasha grabbed a small remote control from the table draw. She pressed the button without further delay. An electrical buzz filled the room; even though it was low it would be audible even to human ears.

“What is that noise?” asked Pietro peeking out of the curtained window. The sound was emitted from the electric fence circled the house. The hordes of ferals trying to get past were burnt by the electricity. The burning smell of rotten skin flooded Pietro’s nose as he tried block it with his sleeve of his shirt.

The fence did slow down the ferals but they found a way to reach the house. The remaining ferals climbed on the burnt corpses of others and ran towards the house. They started banging on the walls, trying to break through.

“Ready” Natasha asked looking at Steve. He gave a nod. The five stood in the circle as the ferals were tearing the house from every side.

One feral tore down the kitchen window and the rest followed it. They piled into the house through that gap. The twins shot at the ferals. Pietro training came in handy as he delivered each bullet precisely to its head. Wanda struggled but was able to keep up. Steve and Natasha slashed through the ferals and took down as many as they can. One feral escaped their notice and ran towards Wanda who was facing the other side. Natasha noticed it and caught the feral by its neck and slammed it into the coffee table. She took the broken glass and cut off its head.

Natasha and Steve moved with speed and agility. The ferals were no match for them. Soon the ferals numbered reduced and the tables turned. Steve ripped the head of the last standing feral. He looked up at Natasha and smiled.

“It’s been long since we fought together” he smiled as he wiped the sweat form his eyebrows. She gave a small laugh.

The five heard the sound of the truck and walked out. Rumlow was driving the truck directly into the house. The four jumped to the side and were able to barely escape being crushed by the giant vehicle.

“Can we kill these bastards and get this over with?” Natasha said through gritted teeth.

“We sent a nice gift for you Steve” Rumlow laughed. “Did you receive it?”

Steve growled and said nothing. The three men jumped out of the truck and made their way towards them.

“You both. Stay back” Steve barked. “Tony, guard the kids” he added looking at the billionaire.

Wanda and Pietro backed away. They held hands and looked at each other. “We will get through this” Pietro whispered.

Steve and Natasha squared off against the three men. Toomes took two knifes from his belt and threw at Natasha. She dodged the first one but she wasn’t so lucky with the second. It grazed her stomach drawing some blood from her. Natasha took out her dagger and ran towards Toomes. She came close to him but didn’t strike. She leaped over him and landed behind his back. Before he could turn around to face her, she drove both knifes into his shoulder blades. He screamed in pain.  

Stane and Rumlow attacked Steve at the same time. Stane kicked Steve in the stomach. He doubled over in when Rumlow grabbed him by his collar and punched his face. Steve blocked him and returned a punch. Steve caught Rumlow’s neck and crushed his windpipe. He threw him to the ground. Stane came from Steve’s side and delivered a kick to his torso. Steve blocked the kick and caught his leg. He twisted it making Stane lose balance and fall down. He stomped on his knee and broke it.

He heard Pietro shout his name. He turned to the kid standing close to him. At first Steve didn’t know what had happened but then he noticed the stake protruding from his back.

“Old man, you didn’t see that coming” Pietro said

Steve caught the kid by his shoulder. But before Steve could react, Rumlow drove the stake even further. As the wood ripped through Pietro’s heart he turned to dust in Steve’s hands.

Bucky along with the clan-less rushed into the clearing to witness the death of the young man in the hands of Steve. Howard and Coulson weren’t much behind. The forest trembled with the gut-wrenching scream of the dead man’s sister. Her concealed power, out of her control emanated from her body. Every vampire’s mind in the clearing linked as one. The hive mind prevented them from acting as they stood planted to their spots. Wanda’s whole life flashed in front of her eyes.

“Pietro, don’t cry” cooed the small girl looking at her elder twin.

“He called me an idiot” replied the six-year-old boy through his sobs.

Wanda hugged her brother trying to console him.

*****

“You can’t lock him in the storage closet”

“I can and I already did” smiled the girl proudly.

“That was ten years ago” Pietro tried to argue.

“Yeah and I got my revenge. He is afraid of closed spaces and spiders. I needed time to get to know that asshole” she stated a matter of fact.

Pietro shook his head in defeat, not able to argue with his twin.

*****

“Come on, Wanda you got to help. The prom is near” Pietro pleaded staring at her with puppy eyes.

“Since you ask nicely, I might”

“Tomorrow, in English class you’re sitting near Danny. When the class ends, I will casually come over to talk with you. Then I will ask them out”

*****

Slightly older Pietro was sitting in his bed, staring at the wall when Wanda entered.

“Hey, sis”

“Hey, I heard you’re going to accept the offer letter” she stated without beating around the bush.

“Yeah, I don’t think it well suited for me”

“Bullshit” she snapped. “You just don’t want to go ‘cause I didn’t get through”

“No shit Sherlock. That was the plan, wasn’t it? Both of us going to America together.”

“I am not going to allow you to throw away your opportunity like this”

“I have made up my mind. I am not going alone”

“Okay, what if I get an offer from another place and leave your sorry ass here”

“You wouldn’t” he said confidently.

“Keep wishing” she smiled as he played punched her on the arm.

*****

The twins squealed in delight holding Wanda’s acceptance letter into the University. Their parents looked at their celebrating children with pride. Their dad pulled the whole family into a group hug.

*****

“We can’t live here, Pietro” stated Wanda looking around their childhood home.

“Yeah, reminds me too much of them” he said, voice slightly breaking.

Wanda stood in the living room, looking at the photos hanging on the walls. Pietro slightly placed his hands on her shoulder making her turn towards him. He engulfed her in a hug as they both broke down crying.

*****

Pietro made his way to the kitchen where his sister was fixing herself a mid-night snack.

“I got a good no no great news. Guess what?”

“You are hired?” she said excitedly.

“Hell yeah” he shouted.

*****

Wanda walked into their shared apartment to see Pietro chatting with another man in the dining table.

“Hey” he called out seeing his sister. “Wand, meet Thompson” he said introducing her to his new acquaintance.

*****

Wanda wrote a note ‘Don’t skip breakfast. Love, Wanda’ as she left the cooked food inside the hot pack and left a note on the table on her way to work.

*****

The twins stood in the safe house of Natasha holding each other’s hands as they heard the feral being burnt by the electric fence.

“The fence won’t hold for long” noted Tony looking out of the window.

The twins exchanged a grim look preparing for the looming threat. Pietro kissed the top of her head as he whispered, “We will get through this.” She nodded silently.

In present time, Wanda’s legs gave away as she crumbled to her knees. She pulled her hair in such force that they could come off. The heart that was beating since her own had stopped. It felt like a piece of her own heart had died. There was a large ache in her. She wanted to destroy everything. But she couldn’t move. He knees seemed planted to the ground. For the first time in her life she felt alone. She wanted to end herself. She had a yearning to join her brother. It felt unusual to breath. She felt guilty of surviving. It was overwhelming.

Everyone except Coulson stood dazed not understanding what happened there. They had seen every aspect of the twin’s life. No one moved unable to comprehend the situation. Rumlow and his men were the first to snap out of it. They tried to escape the place before the others recovered. But they weren’t so lucky as Coulson shot down Toomes and Stane. The bullet sound zapped everyone out of their trance.

Steve shouted like a mad man as he advanced towards Rumlow who was retreating. He threw punch after punch beating Rumlow’s face to a pulp. Bucky saw Steve going mad and beating up Rumlow. He had never seen Steve this angry before. Lincoln secured Toomes and Stane with Howard’s cuffs. while Howard ran towards Wanda to check on her.

Bucky shouted at Steve to stop beating Rumlow but his words fell on deaf ears.

“STEVE” Bucky shouted again. Steve stopped beating Rumlow and turned to look at Bucky. “He is almost dead Steve. Stop it” Bucky with a lower tone but his voice was firm.

Steve looked at the disformed face of Rumlow and back at him. He repeated, “Stop it.”

Steve slowly raised and got away from Rumlow while Bucky tied him. He saw Wanda kneeling in the distance and Howard was consoling her. He walked to her and slowly kneeled down in-front of her. Wanda looked up to see it was Steve. She hugged him and cried into his chest. He held her close as his blood-stained hand caressed her head. He rested his head on her shoulder and the tears streamed down from his own eyes.

[mysticalmusicwhispers]

APH England Headcanon: On Top of the World

Hey look another song headcanon. Idk why I get so much inspiration from songs but here it is. Long, Long, Long, Long, Long Post Warning (I went into detail here so... you’re warned)

Basically a look at this song (On Top of the World by Greek Fire, not Imagine Dragons, one of my favorites, please listen) through England’s eyes, because I think it really fits him, mostly discussing his imperial times (colonies, America, all that fun stuff):

Ok so: Imperial England, in my headcanon, is a Sly Old Bastard exactly the way China is/was at his height. And this post is going to be focusing on England’s sly, cunning nature and weaknesses (?) he might have felt at the height of the British Empire. Most of the song is reminiscing (“I remember”...), so it could also be when England’s empire has crumbled and he’s wondering how it all went down.

Anyway, first couple lyrics are just “on top of the world/on top of it all/trying to feel invincible”, the refrain that goes on throughout the song. I guess it just kinda sets the scene, I think as his empire got larger and larger, and as England got more and more colonies, he would become somewhat aware that all the things he’d been building, the states/lands he’d been conquering, would crumble one day, and then his empire would be no more (trying to feel invincible).

Slight Digression: Britain was a Roman province, however the whole of the British Isles were never quite subdued by military conquests, and I think England would have existed at the time and would be resisting the Romans with his mother Britannia (even though I think Scotland was the one left unconquered, although they were defeated in battle lots of times, England would not have willingly surrendered either). Therefore, he would also witness the fall of Rome, and carry with him the knowledge that all empires fall, no matter how great they are or how much land they have. So this would also factor into his state of mind of inevitability I guess (I was thinking of insecureness but that’s not fitting, England is too egotistical to be insecure imo) that his empire will end one day, and the least he can do is to enjoy (?) or pay attention to how it feels to rule while it lasts

Ok anyway: “I remember the nights/Caught up in dreaming my goodbyes/Watching the door for anything more than an ordinary life"

I have no explanation, maybe this was when he was first starting out as a country or when he was starting to grow his empire, when things used to be ordinary for him maybe? Idk what it means about dreaming goodbyes but rationale is: he somehow has a premonition that his empire will die someday? Actually wait, even better is that he’s saying goodbye to Britannia, who is dying, and perhaps deciding to build something great in her legacy? As a tribute (and also maybe a fuck you to Rome) to her, he wants her legacy to be “my son(s) did something great” rather than to be a forgotten woman to history. I interpret the next line as England perhaps being excited about the prospect of his growing empire, excited about leading, conquering. I think during imperial times he had the same god-complex America does; the US often markets itself as “doing good” for the world (eg. Ridding Communist Scum !!!) which, although it may actually be disastrous, is usually seen as “right” in some way (I have major issues w/ US politics as you can see but let’s not talk about that). So the wishing for a better, more exciting life might just be his wish to “make the world more civilized, more British, more gentlemanly” etc.

Next: “I remember the days/New beginnings on an open page/With something to prove/ And nothing to lose, not a soul to betray”

I think this could be about his relationship with young America as the 13 colonies, before the American Revolution. I believe (correct me if wrong) most of the Age of Imperialism, when England, France, Germany etc. started scrambling for land was in the 1800s, and so I think America was like England’s test run colony, and therefore the first person he really had to “care for” as a brother and a child. He didn’t have anything to lose with America, all he could do is build a relationship with this small country and open his heart to friendship and love from America. I don’t think England was as uptight about stuff then and America was his test run, his “new beginning” if he messed stuff up at home (idk if he really did though). He didn’t have any “history” or previous relationship with America before they became like a father/son duo, so he didn’t have to worry about damaging a previous friendship with him (”nothing to lose” by getting to know him).

Side note: I think America’s independence sort of broke England, and I definitely agree with @hongkongenthusiast ‘s hc that England distanced himself from his other colonies because he didn’t want what happened with America to happen again.

Next: “Here I am/Living a dream that I can’t hold/Here I am/On my own”

So this just kinda speaks to England’s loneliness ig. He’s literally living the dream: power, colonies, wealth, everything, but he still has the premonition/wisdom (?) to see that it won’t last (“...that I can’t hold”). He won’t be king of the world forever. He’s also up on a pedestal. I think after the Age of Imperialism England owned the most colonies (I think France is a close second), and like America with his modern-day “police of the world” status, I think lots of people knew about and admired/were jealous of England’s power (maybe they didn’t “look up” to him, but I think they certainly wanted his power for themselves), and being without an equal can make it feel pretty lonely at the top of the food chain.

Next part is the refrain, the new lyrics after that are: “I remember the lies/Caught up in building paradise/The angels were slaves and demons behaved/And everything was alright”

This could represent the propaganda England fed to his people at home to make them support colonization. I don’t think it would’ve taken much convincing, because of the “white men superiority” idea that were colonizers’ way of justifying colonialism and imperialism (actually called White Man’s Burden). However, even though that idea was prevalent, there are still historical propaganda pieces that glorify colonization; one example is called “ABC for Baby Patriots” (full text in link). It basically convinces people colonizing is good for the mother country, and I’d like to think England also told his people that to make them support it (“I remember the lies”). I don’t know how physically old England the character would be, but if he was still young and maybe not as cynical (unlikely but still possible), he could tell these “lies” to himself as well to justify his actions. I mentioned earlier about him wanting to make a better world by introducing British ways to his colonies, and maybe that was the version of “paradise” he envisioned. The last two lines strike me as a flip-flopped world where the bad are free and the good are punished, so maybe idk that was the actual situation, where England’s colonies were suffering instead of being helped, like he thought? Anyway this is getting into kinda political ugly history so...

Next! “I hear the crowds beneath me/I'm wishing they could reach me/But I'm on top of the world/Up here I'm dying alone”

Not really any analysis here, just another example of England being lonely ig as the leader of the imperial world. I feel like this part can be summed up in a more positive light by this

Next: “Inside the walls of gold/Outside of happiness/(It's all been a show, too late to confess)/No room for heart and soul/No room for innocence/Innocence”

To me, this is England reminiscing when he still had compassion and when he was young. I feel like nations, like humans, get more cynical as they age; they stop seeing good in the world and start just seeing people as things they can manipulate, pawns on a chessboard who can achieve their own interest. In the context of England’s imperialism, this is basically him thinking back and thinking what have I done. Maybe he finally acknowledged negative impacts of his colonization, and wishes he could go back to the days where he was just a small nation, minding his own people, instead of forging an empire that stretched across continents. I guess the whole imperial episode is: “I thought this was a good idea, I thought it would bring me happiness and glory, I thought I could make the world better, but instead, it only showed me the worst in people, and the worst in me”. Idk, I still don’t know if imperial England deserves compassion (Aftereffects of colonization are still being felt today, eg. when original India was split by Britain into India and Pakistan. Britain never clearly specified the India-Pakistan border, and that led to a whole lot of wars and shit and people are still fucking tense about this to this day) But I guess this song and my consequential thinking about it gives him a bit of humanity in spite of his Sly Old Man status?

Ok that’s it! You’ve made it to the end of this long-ass post! I’m so conflicted about England’s character now! I’ve literally disliked him so much ever since I joined the fandom (I also don’t really like FACE fam in general) but bruh my head just warps canon so it’s more palatable for me I guess hhhh. What do y’all think? Feedback Appreciated!

[awesome-timtams]

Avengers: Endgame Spoiler Review/Thoughts and shit

(if you want me to add more tags to this, just comment or something and I’ll get on it ASAP)

Alright, so I saw Avengers: Endgame this morning. I guess this is going to be a review of sorts? Mostly just me typing out all my thoughts. So yeah, review, theories (ish?) and other things amongst all that.

 I did this last year for Infinity War and it was a huge mess. I decided to actually properly capitalise my words this time so it’s a bit more readable lmao. I’ve sort of had all day (12 hours) to really think about this so hopefully it’s a bit more coherent than my last year’s mindless rambling? I’m already rambling. Welp ;-;

 MAJOR SPOILERS UNDERNEATH CUT!! DO NOT PRESS READ MORE IF YOU DON’T WANT TO READ MORE.

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Everybody who doesn’t want spoilers gone? This is your last chance.

  Ok, first things first, the movie is fucking amazing. There were so many instances where I cried, or laughed, or just really wanted to fucking scream because holy hell this movie was really intense. Honestly, I thought the humour managed to flow into the dramatic scenes really well. There was never a moment where I felt like a joke fell flat or came in at an inappropriate time.

 The feels. THE FEELS. The emotions. I can't. I was already sobbing by the time the first 20 minutes were over. A character appears on screen? Tears. Every single time there was a team shot? Tears. Somebody even opens their mouth to say something? Tears. But yeah, this movie made me an emotional wreck and I can't even.

 The movie starting off with Clint, and his family turning into dust? Expected, but still incredibly cruel, and still hurt a lot. Like, damn, I knew Endgame was going to be intense, but being reduced to tears in the first five minutes was incredibly unfair and just goddamned hurtful. Clint's dedication to his family was really sweet and I just garghhhhhhhhhh I loved it.

 So yeah. Character deaths. Natasha dying just about ruined my century, so thanks Marvel. I first started panicking when they said they were gonna get the stones, and Clint and Natasha were heading to Vormir. And then it kinda hit me that one of them was gonna have to sacrifice the other for the stone. And then the whole scene with Clint and Natasha trying to beat each other into throwing themselves off the cliff. Dumbasses. Why couldn't they both just live and nobody has to sacrifice anybody? And now I feel depressed again ;-; . On the other hand, I'm sort of happy that Natasha at least died feeling like she'd made amends for her past (she didn't have to she was already amazing :'(( ). Her character arc finished with her sacrifice and wow that's so depressing ;-;;; At least we get to see her in the Black Widow movie one last time? ;-;

 And Tony. I honestly didn't really think Marvel was going to go through with Tony's death tbh. I think it was probably one of the most depressing scenes I've had to witness with my own two eyes ever, and I definitely wasn't ready for it to happen. I fucking broke when Peter started crying and calling him 'Tony' because like, have we ever seen him refer to Tony as anything other than Mr Stark? I fucking lost it man. And Tony had Pepper, and he was married to her, and they had a little house by the lake, and a daughter (his daughter is so precious omg). And now he's dead and she'll grow up without her father I just fucking arGHHHHHHH. Honestly I just feel really attacked and hurt and this movie has ruined me. At least he got closure with his father. That was kinda a really sweet scene, and I cried at that too. I cried at fucking everything in this movie ;-;

 But yes, depressing scenes aside, can we just. Take a moment to talk about the final battle? Because that scene was absolutely splendid. I loved how every character got a couple seconds to themselves to just have a little hero moment, and how they did the whole girl power thing with the whole squad and they were so badass and I sort of teared up at that part too because they were all so amazing and I just love them so much and the only thing that would've made that scene better would be if Natasha had been with them but she can't because she's fucking dead oh my god.

 But when the portals opened up and all the characters stepped out of them. It looked fucking magical. I swear to God I had So Many Chills. It was just so fucking amazing to watch them all step out as one and yanno…”Avengers, Assemble!”. God bless them all. The audience lost their shit at this bit. Screaming and clapping and it was just absolutely breathtaking to see this scene. Like, there's just this energy, yanno? And the group shots. T’Challa leading his kingdom into the fight. Tony and Pepper’s really cute scene in their armour together. And, can we just take a break to talk about our fucking lord and saviour Steve Rogers? I love that boy so much holy shit. When Thor was about to die, and Mjolnir had flown in and hit Thanos, before flying off to the person who had thrown it. And it’s Steve Fucking Rogers, standing there holding Mjolnir? And he starts walking down the battlefield with his half broken shield in one hand and Mjolnir in the other? That was such a powerful image have I mentioned I fucking love Steve Rogers? But yeah, I love how they carried that on from AoU. But then that sort of begs the question: was Steve really able to lift Mjolnir in AoU but didn’t because he didn’t want to draw more attention to himself, or was he just not able to because he hadn’t reached peak worthiness yet?

 Also, the whole New York scene was just amazing, fucking hilarious and just amazing. Who knew that all we needed to make a sequence great was to have a 100% necessary focus on Steve's ass? Jokes aside, it was really nostalgic seeing the whole 2012 New York battle again. I especially loved how they let us see parts that actually weren't in the movie, like the whole 'Avengers running into Pierce' thing. And how HYDRA got their hands on the sceptre. Seeing Steve do the whole 'Hail Hydra' thing to blend in kinda gave me chills lol. And Steve's fight with 2012!Steve was also really amazingly done and I fucking loved that sequence. The whole "I can do this all da-" "yeah yeAH I kNow I knOOW" was fucking hilarious tbh. (And also: "That is America's ass…")

Also, can I say that Steve was just really done with everything in this movie lmao. He was a solid fucking mood honestly. (”Are you shitting me??” “...he’s a baby.” “-.-”) And then his scene with Bucky at the end oh my goddd. “Don’t do anything stupid.” “How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you.” And honestly I sort of died right there...It’s also this moment I’m realising Bucky probably knew about Steve’s plans, because otherwise they wouldn’t have said goodbye like that if Steve was only going to be gone for a bit. And Bucky wasn’t panicked at all when Steve missed the jump back. So what, does that mean they planned for Steve to have his dramatic ass entrance back into the present by appearing besides the lake? Kind of a funny image lol. Anyway, I’ll stop talking about Steve lmao.

 Thor was fucking amazing in this movie tbh. His first scene in the future is hilarious, with the whole drunkard attitude and the beer gut and Korg playing fucking Fortnite Jesus Christ. His scene with Frigga in the movie also made me cry so much. It kinda made me realise he never really managed to get a proper goodbye with his mother before she died, yanno? And now he's finally getting it, and he can go on to the future with the knowledge that his mother is proud of him and believes he's a hero and afilajiopklgskl. Also, the pure joy when he finds out he's still worthy of Mjolnir? Such a sweet happy wholesome character despite all the losses he's gone through ;-; . Although, since he has decided to join the Guardians, does that mean he's going to be in Guardians of the Galaxy 3? And we know how there's been talk of a Thor 4 recently, right? It's probably just code for GOTG3 lol.

 And finally, Bruce Banner. It was really funny to see him emerge as a mix of himself and Hulk together, I'm not gonna lie. A lot of people in the audience started laughing when we saw the Hulk emerge in a sweater and jeans or whatever the hell he was wearing. But yeah, Bruce was great. When he volunteered himself to wield the Infinity Gauntlet v2.0? Legendary. But yeah, I honestly don't have much to say about Bruce honestly. Other than the fact that he dabbed at the beginning of the movie. Legendary. And when Scott spilled his tacos so Bruce offered him more with the purest smile on his face? I melted. Legendary.

 Anyway, miscellaneous thoughts time. I'm lowkey sort of kinda disappointed Nebula didn't get to kill Thanos? Like, I feel like, if anybody really deserved to kill that asshole, it was Nebula. She's suffered an entire life of torture and abuse from this dickhead, and has been manipulated by him so many times to do his dirty work. And how she still couldn't stop seeing him as a father figure in the end, despite all the terrible shit he's done to her? Actually, that's probably why she didn't get to kill him lol. And also, Sam Wilson is the new fucking Captain America bitches. I really fucking hoped that, if under any circumstances Steve had to give up his shield, it would go to Sam Wilson, because he fucking deserves it. Of course, I wouldn't have minded it going to Bucky, but my poor baby's already been through enough ;-; . Let him rest ;-; (but then, there's the whole Falcon and Winter Soldier show coming up fuck I'm so excited for it lmao).

 And also, Valkyrie. Is now. The new Queen of Asgard. I can't even. My baby girl deserves fucking everything :') She deserves the title of Queen so much and I'm so glad that's a new development. Hopefully we get to see more of her in the future and how she fares with the title of leader in Asgard :'D

 But yeah, I think that's about it for what I have on characters. So, moving on to theories and sort of plot holes I suppose?

 So, have we had any news on what the Loki show is going to focus on? I haven't really been paying enough attention to news on the shows tbh. But if nothing's been confirmed yet, I sort of have a theory. So we know how, when they're trying to get the Space Stone in New York, they fail and Loki gets away with the stone? I'm wondering if the TV show might potentially focus on what he does after he escapes New York with the stone. It's a possibility, I suppose.

 And now, finally, one of my biggest…annoyances (? I'm not sure this is the word I want to use but the only other word that's coming to mind is iffs which isn't even a real word so moving on) (edit: issues! I found the right word :D . The word I want to use is issues lol) with the movie is the last scene. 

Steggy is a fucking blessed ship, and I love them, don't get me wrong. The plane scene in TFA and the hospital scene in TWS never fail to reduce me to a big sobbing fucking baby. And I'm so fucking happy that they finally got the dance that's been promised to them for so many decades. But the whole thing just doesn't really make sense to me.

 So basically, in the earlier parts of the movie, Bruce has already stated that time travel does not work like how we've all been trained to understand from other parts of pop culture. It's not quite travelling to the past, as nothing they do there will affect their future. What I interpreted from that (and I could be wrong, but this is my understanding) is that when they travel to the past, they end up creating a separate branch of events and shit that diverges from the timeline of events that will lead to their present. It doesn't erase their present, but just sort of forms a permanent branch, you feel? So, Steve travelling back to the past in order to live his life with Peggy only to end up in their present again brought in a huge amount of plot holes.

 For Steve to have lived a life with Peggy and marry her, that would mean events would change drastically. I doubt they got married in secret, so people must've known 'Steve' was alive and OK. Would that mean the search for the past Steve that's still frozen in the Arctic stop, since they're all assuming he's alive? If that happens, that means the Tesseract would've never been found, and that would've led to a whole bunch of other events that would definitely not allow for grandpa Steve to join up again with the MCU's present timeline, as it would've brought him into a different branch instead.

 But, hypothetically, let's say Steve lives with Peggy in secret. They get married in secret, nobody knows he's still alive, they continue with the search, yadda yadda. Now, since Steve is from the future, he would know that SHIELD is being infiltrated by HYDRA, and that Bucky would still be alive and is currently being the Winter Soldier and doing assassin-y shit. And I really, really, highly doubt that Steve would just live a life with Peggy and not interrupt with any of this shit. It's just so against his nature to ignore all of this? So, let's say he does root out HYDRA. That would affect the future. TWS, and everything afterwards would've never happened. So it definitely wouldn't be possible for Steve to return to the MCU's current, present timeline if he lived out his life, as he would've been, once again, on a different, permanently separated branch.

 Let's say, hypothetically, he lived with Peggy in secret. Nobody knew he was alive. He knew HYDRA was growing inside SHIELD and didn't do anything. He knew his best friend was being tortured and brainwashed for decades and didn't do anything. Even then, him just living with Peggy and marrying her would've changed all the events and wouldn't have allowed him to just let his branch converge with the present MCU timeline without messing around with some serious science and shit (which is all highly unlikely tbh).

 So basically, what I'm trying to say is, the whole last scene is fucked and can't have happened without saying 'fuck-it-all' to the rules established in the movie. But yeah, that was just the one and only glaring issue to me I couldn't stop thinking about. But either way, I loved the way the movie ended with the Steggy scene. It was really beautiful and sweet and just everything we could've wanted for their dance :')) . It was also a really bittersweet sort of tone to end the film on? Absolutely gorgeous. 

(edit: wow OK so I made a whole separate post just for this scene because a couple days after I posted this, I realised my thoughts and feelings towards this scene had changed and I had a lot more to say about it. So. Yeah. Here it is.)

 But anyway. Shit. That's it. I've spent this whole past year thinking about this movie and waiting for it, and now that I've watched it and it's over, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. This whole day, I've been feeling incredibly empty honestly. I'm still not quite over Natasha and Tony, and I don't think I'll ever be (which, by the way. Marvel, I'll be sending you the bill for all the emotional trauma you've caused.) But this movie was a bloody masterpiece, and I fucking loved it. The trip down memory lane with the time travel was honestly so incredibly implemented. I was really worried when I realised time travel was going to be involved with this movie, because it introduces a device that can retcon everything and just basically takes away the emotional impact of every event that happens because you can just time travel. But the fact that they introduced the mechanic where you can't affect the past by travelling there does close that issue up. Well done. Very clever.

 But, yeah. Fuck. It's over. 11 years, and it went out with a bang. I honestly have no idea how Marvel is gonna top this for the next era. It seems almost impossible, honestly. I just really hope they do, because I would hate to have a franchise as amazing as the MCU end up fizzling out because their most impressive movie came years before the end and they end up never being able to top it. But these are probably just irrational worries.

 Anyway, final score. 14000605/1. Would definitely watch again. Just not immediately. I still haven't fully digested the movie, and I still feel really empty and full of emotions at the same time even though it's been more than 12 hours since I've seen the movie. So yeah. Imma wait a bit, and then I'll probs rewatch it.

 Anyway, rant over. Hope you enjoyed, I guess? I nearly burst into tears so many times trying to write this fucking thing. If you've seen the movie, feel free to DM me. I'm always up to chat with people lol. And if you haven't seen the movie, what the fuck are you doing reading this? Go watch the damned movie. Christ.

 I might end up making edits to this if I think up of more things to talk about. Or maybe I'll make a separate post. I'll probs make a separate post. But anyway. Farewell, y'all. Time to go hide under my blankets and cry until Far From Home comes out.

 (Also, this thing is 3069 words. Wow. Jesus Christ. If I put this amount of effort into my assignments, I’d be bringing in straight As. Oops.)

[ashotinthedark-avengers]

A Shot In The Dark: Chapter 2:Civil War

After what seemed like a 10 hour plane ride, you had spent the morning with Rhodes going over what would happen if Steve Rogers didn't give up what was known as the "winter solider". 

You really didn’t care about the drama that was going on in the “Avengers”, but Tony Stark is a little bit hard to pass up. 

“You don’t fly huh?” Rhodes asked. 

You shook your head no. 

“So how you gonna to the airport?” he said

“Um.. walk?” you replied. 

Rhodes sighed and placed a hand to his temple, “Tony knows how to pick them. Have you met Peter? He’ll be here soon. 

About an hour passed when Tony and who you assumed Peter was, and the prince of Wakanda walked in. Now that all you were together, Tony went over some logistics. 

“No, you are not gonna stroll up” Tony said to you after Rhodes told him about your conversation. ‘We got to show strength and power. How else are they gonna take you seriously.”

“Fine, I have something else” you said. 

Tony continued detailing his plans, tell you what you had to do and where you had to be. 

“You two stay here, grown ups have some talking to do” Tony said and left the room, leaving you and Peter.

You and Peter got alone quick. You two lived on opposite sides of the country, but shared the same interest. He loved science and asked you about how Cal-Tech is and asked you how you got your powers and what you could do. He’s a pretty smart kid and quickly picked things up. No wonder Mr. Stark brought him along. He told you about his suit, how Tony gave it to him and then showed you his spinning webs that helps him “swing and get stuff”. 

“Mr. Stark is supposed to have made me a suit too.” you told Peter. 

“Oh Man, that’s gonna be totally awesome” Peter smiled.

Tony walked back in the room.

“Ok kids, suit up. Liz, your suits should be at your hotel rooms already. Be at the airport 1pm sharp.” Tony said sternly and walked out the door again. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you arrived to your hotel room, a large silver case was waiting for you on your bed. You walked up to it and noticed a blue panel on top of the case. You assumed he case opened biometrically. You placed your hand on the panel and sure enough it opened.

You pulled out a black body suit with pink and black body suit and black boots, you got ready and prepared to head over to the airport. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Arriving to the airport you met up wit Tony and told you to get ready. On his mark you were going to come in.

You fashioned a pink platform, just big enough for you to stand on and waited for your cue. 

You heard it, the words you were waiting for you took a deep breath and with your powers you moved the platform you were standing on, moving you as well. You reached Tony and moved the platform near the ground. You took a step off and the platform disappeared. 

You faked importance. Honestly you don’t know why you were even there. 

Tony and Steve were arguing about something, it not like you were paying attention anyways. You were staring at the man standing right next to Steve. He was perfect. You were studying his face intently when you heard Tony yell "Underoos" Peter had taken Cap's shield. Peter seemed a bit nervous and was stuttering his words. 

Tony sighed, "remind me not to bring my kids next time". 

"You’ve been busy. I see you've been doing some recruiting." Steve said. 

Tony and Steve continued to argue, finally Tony had had enough and demanded Steve turn over Barnes.

All of a sudden you saw an arrow flying towards Steve. You heard Peter yell something and then out of nowhere a man appeared and took Captain America’s shield. 

“Got two in the terminal” Rhodes said. 

“What do we do” you heard Peter ask. 

“What we discussed” Tony said. 

You ran to the nearest terminal where Rhodes said. When you entered you noticed two men running towards the other side of the terminal. They are about 50 ft ahead of you. Peter is currently on the roof and broke through the glass. Peter knocked down one of the men, you assumed was Falcon and went in to punch Barnes. You noticed Barnes caught Peter’s hand in midair. You weren’t going to let anything happen to Peter. You were close enough to be able to hit Barnes. Your hands were plasma cannons, they start to glow a light pink and with no effort threw plasma directly onto Barnes’s chest pushing him down. Falcon got up and took Peter up in flight. 

Bucky gets up and turns to you. He looks you up and down.  "I don’t want to hurt you" he says " Oh my god, that’s so great" you say sarcastically. You smirked at him, "But Mr. Stark promised to fund my entire PHD project if I stop... whatever you're up to. And 5 million dollars is 5 million dollars." He smirks back at you and quickly changes facial expression back to serious. He pulls his metal hand back and makes his hand into a fist. You duck out of the way of his punch and again kicked him in the knee. This time it only caused him to stumble a couple steps back. You stood up, your eyes were now glowing pink. You mad your hands start glowing and from the plasma in your hands you fashioned two batons. Your favorite were daggers, but you're trying to stop him, not kill him. You stared at his feet, back at him then back to his feet. You take your right foot and step over you left. He moved with you and moved to his left. You took a step forward, but he didn’t move. "What are you doing?" he asked. "Learning your combat style" you said. Right when you said that you lunge forward and hit him with one of the batons. He stumbles back a little and smirks at you. You step forward and again to try hit him with one of your batons. This time he grabbed it in his hand. "It only works for me" you said and phased the baton through him. You saw the surprised look on his face and took this time to use his knee as a step, whip around behind him and take hold of the other baton in two hands across his neck.

He immediately puts all his body weight on you and slams you into the floor. You groan in pain. Bucky is laying on top of you and turns around as to check on you. He gives you a smile and starts to get up. You wrap both your legs around his waist, grab the fabric at his chest and pull him forward and flip him over you head. You're now straddling him and place the baton at his neck.

"Stop flirting with her and kick her ass" you heard Sam over his earpiece You smile and press the baton a little harder on his neck. You see his metal arm reach up and grab you at the neck. "Buy me dinner first" you said and put more pressure against his neck causing him to do the same against yours. You release your grip of one of your hands off you baton and place it on the cold metal arm. Pink static rises from your hand. Bucky realized what you were doing and fearing you would completely fry his arm, pushed you off him and stood up. "You're electromagnetic?" he asked. "I can do a lot more" you said. You were too focused on Barnes to realized Peter and Sam have been making a mess. They blew a whole though the building. "Mr. Stark is definitely not taking us anywhere ever again." you thought. Peter then webbed up Sam's suit, grabbed him and slammed him into Bucky that was standing a couple feet in front of you.   "You were taking way to long" Peter said. "Well I didn't want to hurt anybody" you stated as the both of you walking towards the big hole in the side of the building.

Peter started talking to Sam and Barnes, who were on the floor below all webbed up. Sam used one of his drones to pull Peter out one of the wholes they blew on the side of the building. 

You leaned over to see Sam and Barnes on the floor below you. You made eye contact with Barnes and smirked at him before heading out to see if Peter was okay. 

You went outside to see that Peter had webbed up the drone that took him away. You both saw everyone gathering again. 

“Hold on” Peter said you. With one hand he slinged a web around yours and with the other he slinged and swung you both back into the middle of the fight. Peter let go of you and you landed right next to Rhodes. 

Captain America started running towards. It’s gonna be a full on fight now. You followed Ironman’s lead and started running towards them. You started fighting, using your plasma cannons, trying to slow them down. 

All of a sudden a 60 ft man appeared and grabbed Rhodes.

“We’re fucked” you said out loud. 

“Language” you heard Tony say through the comms. 

Peter managed to Ant-man down with a move he learned from Star Wars. Peter was thrown and you ran over to see if he was okay. Tony had the same idea.

“You two are done, stay down.” He said to both of you. 

You sat on the floor next to Peter and asked if he was okay. You and Peter see a jet take off followed by Tony and Rhodes. 

You then see Vision shoot a beam into the air. You looked up into the air and see that it hit someone and that someone was now hurtling to the earth. 

“Oh my god” you said standing up. “Pull up. PULL UP’’

Peter noticed the panic in your voice, he turned to look, but Rhodes had already hit the ground.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You were sitting next to Rhodes’s hospital bed reading when he awoke. 

“Tony went after Steve and Bucky” you told him. 

He groaned and tried to sit up. 

“I’m really sorry” you said. 

“No, no” he responded, “It was not your fault, it was this stupid fight, all for nothing. They still got away”

“ It was a stupid fight” you said, showing what you were reading to Rhodes. It was a copy of the Sokovia accords. 

“I know I’m not always correct, but I’m pretty damn smart. And I know it wouldn’t have worked. Maybe for you or Tony, or for those of you who are still human. People...people don’t look at us like were human anymore. They’re scared of us. And that isn’t a good enough reason to have political rule over us. In reality, we are much more human than they will ever be. We have to make the decision of what is right and what is wrong. I get it. We play god, right? Who deserves our help and who doesn’t. But why should they get to decide? Those people, do not own me or my powers. Do you think the Sokovia accords is going to stop someone who creates evil? Mass destruction on a unprecedented scale? New York was child’s play. You, above all, should know we are not alone in this universe. And the Sokovia accords will not protect anyone he comes. And when, not if, when he comes, you’re gonna wish you never signed them” 

You stood up.

“I’m really glad you’re alive.... and Mr. Stark can keep his money” you sighed and left the room without another word. 

[aq2003]

FULL ENDGAME REVIEW

6.5/10 was ok but could’ve been a lot better in my opinion and by a lot better i mean

tony should’ve lived

-the russos are war criminals for what they did to tony alone. he had a family to go back to, JUST like clint. but i guess self sacrifice is cool, right?

-ever since iron man 3, tony’s story has essentially a dark twist to the “great power great responsibility” trope: the hero internalizes the motivating phrase (“don’t waste your life”), and let it interfere with their ability to take care of themself/open up to others. it started strong in iron man 3, got undermined in aou, got slightly more prevalent in the context of civil war, FINALLY got foreshadowed in infinity war. his arc was ultimately about letting other people HELP him with the responsibility he feels like he needs to carry 

-until endgame threw it under the bus again. in an objectively cool way, yeah, but it still got thrown under the bus and i’m mad

-so now tony stark’s story is ultimately a tragedy. and i fucking hate it, man. he had happiness (but not really, because peter’s not there) for 5 years and that got snatched away from him too! he underwent so much trauma since his goddamn origin story and he had a few moments of peace, sure, but he died before he could fully reunite with his loved ones. and it SUCKS. 

-god this is . this is like. if obi-wan kenobi went through All That but got really close to luke before he died and also never got any closure with anakin as a force ghost

-the russos have said, like outright, that thanos was a symbol of what tony’s been fearing of since 2012, the being that symbolized the root of his anxiety and ptsd. so what does tony do to defeat it? uhhh idk he dies i guess. but it’s okay! he can finally rest now!

-really great message there for the kids, right? 

-also there was a whole sequence about him talking to his dad about not abandoning his kid and being there for her. but now he CAN’T be there for morgan because tony stark is fucking gone and dead and i can’t fucking handle this he deserves so much better

-also also not to be a DudeBroGeek™ but he totally got nerfed during his fight scenes

thor shouldn’t have been played off as a joke

-my whole theater laughed at him being . fat. and i was SUPER SUPER SUPER uncomfy the entire time

-he has a PANIC ATTACK and people LAUGHED i mean way to treat more of your mentally ill characters like shit, russos! sure! just devaluate thor’s suffering by saying “oh he’s fat so it’s funny now! hehe!” FUCK you

-i mean, yikes, i can’t believe we went from iron man 3 (where mental illness is one of the major problems the protagonist clearly struggles with, where tony’s panic attacks are disturbingly real and in no way funny) to THIS SHIT

-don’t even get me STARTED on his arc. like from thor 1 to dark world it’s about putting aside his arrogance for the good of his people. for ragnarok it’s finally stepping up and finding his powers while taking up the responsibility as king. in infinity war i was able to turn a blind eye to it, but it’s so prevalent in endgame how little the russos care about thor’s journey in his movies

-in the end he passes off the responsibility he took up in ragnarok to val and just straight up fucked off to space. like what the hell, man?

-ALSO . loki said the sun would shine on them again but the sun DIDN’T fucking shine on them and i feel robbed. i feel like the russos broke into my home and stole something important.

-the brodinsons deserve better.

-how can taika even be there, like physically. i mean. the thor from his movie got entirely retconned

-also not to be a DudeBroGeek™ again but. but like tony he was so 100% nerfed especially during the fight against thanos HOW did thanos even touch stormbreaker aka the weapon made to kill him like what

-i hate to put this all on james gunn but he’s GOTTA fix the crimes committed in endgame against the guardians and thor

steve’s entire character arc shouldn’t have been undermined

-one of his defining character traits is that he won’t stand by and let bad things happen when he can prevent it

-if you could describe steve rogers THAT’S what you would say about him. 

-it’s like tony being smart. or thor being powerful. steve is just Like That

-so why did he go back in time when two full movies were dedicated to him adapting to the future

-idk it doesn’t really make sense to me

-i don’t actually have much to say about steve, i’m not as attached to his character as tony and thor but it still rubs me the wrong way. maybe it makes more sense to steve stans but from what i’ve seen they’re PISSED even though out of the trio he got the most time to shine in battle lmao

also

-the time travel fuckery was. hmmm

-nat wasn’t there for the admittedly cheesy but still sort of nice girl-power shot

-wong did nothing until the final battle. like him surviving the snap did nothing to impact the story

-why was okoye even on the poster? she should’ve gotten a bigger role imo

-WHAT was dr strange even doing holding back the water

-my brother (who watched the movie with me) thought that the lgbt rep in the movie was “america’s ass” rather than the gay russo in steve’s support group, which just goes to show that the lgbt rep is SO small and the media should really stop hyping it up. not really salt towards the movie itself but it’s still salt

-fortnite

general saltiness out of the way, i’m going to list what i did like about the movie

-those posts going around about how knowing the spoilers take away from the movie are actually really, really wrong. i went in knowing more than half the plot including who lives and dies and i still found it entertaining, to say the least. the movie had a lot of effort put into making it and it really shows. if you ignore the parts you don’t like, you can actually kick back and have a relatively good time

-also the action was really, really good. throughout the entire movie. it’s an avengers film, so the action has to be good, but the fights were still super awesome and a lot were actually a cut above the rest of the mcu (especially the melee fights)

-the final battle was amazing. up until the end, i was on the edge of my seat, because even though it’s another “big final battle against an army of cgi monsters” i actually really really liked it. pretty much everything was perfect about it, and it was so fun to watch the theater go ham whenever a hero did something badass.

-the score. god, the score. alan silvestri did so good with calling back motifs from other solo mcu movies (something marvel should’ve been doing the entire time). ant man’s theme after scott pops out of the quantum realm, captain america’s march when tony hands the shield back to steve, the reprise of “even for you” from infinity war during clint and nat’s mission to vormir, captain marvel’s theme when she blows up thanos’ ship? beautiful

-the actors did a superb job with everything they were given (which probably wasn’t that much). since the russos were paranoid about spoilers apparently no one knew who they were talking to which sucked? because the marvel cast is pretty good at improv lines. but the actors still did a REALLY good job despite this (and really do carry the movie). i felt in my BONES tony’s frustration and anger at steve during the wheelchair scene, thor’s pain and self-loathing when he reunited with frigga, and peter’s DESPAIR when he watched tony die (i will never be okay ever)

-the callbacks to previous mcu movies were fanservice, yeah, but it was the GOOD kind of fanservice in that it was really really cool and served the fans. it’s a great way for the last movie in the infinity saga to end, by revisiting some of the iconic places it touched on before

-tony and nebula! they were only together for the first scene of the movie but the scene with paper football was really soft and nice 

-the civil war conflict was glossed over save for that one scene of tony going the fuck off on steve and i couldn’t be more grateful

-MORGAN STARK. god if i had the capacity to cry i’d be sobbing through writing this entire post. morgan and her soft dad made my heart MELT into pieces i love them 3000

-they still deserved better though

-scott. like in general. he was one of the highlights of the movie. his reunion with cassie was :’)

-carol’s haircut

-by the way a lot of people complained about her makeup in her first scene with the avengers shown in the trailers but it literally wasn’t a problem for any other carol scene in the movie (because that was the only scene in the entire runtime where she was wearing noticeable lipstick/eyeshadow or whatever)

-professor hulk. i actually didn’t expect to like him, but he made a lot of actually funny jokes and i liked his personality contrast with 2012 hulk. also he made scott tacos! he’s really wholesome and i’m willing to ignore the part where he dabbed

-the mark 85 is one of my favorite iron man suits now, even though it didn’t get a lot of screentime

-speaking of which it’s REALLY great how most of the time when tony saves the day it’s because of his smarts. it brings back the main theme of the character: tony stark, the human, plays ball with gods, aliens, and monsters just by being quick witted.

-the entire sequence of tony, steve, and scott getting the scepter and the tesseract was PURE gold. (it’s my favorite part of the movie honestly)

-tony: ok scott to create a distraction i need you to put my past self into cardiac arrest. \ scott: uhh. uhh ok dude?? \ tony: my self loathing is this strong

-rhodey and nebula! they were an awesome teamup and i really really liked their friendship/dynamic

-PEPPER IN RESCUE ARMOR. WE DIDN’T GET ENOUGH OF THAT BUT IT WAS SO GOOD I LOVED IT HER ARMOR DESIGN WAS REAL GREAT

-tony reuniting with peter. i teared up. legit. i teared up.

-thanos: *headbutts carol* \ carol: *doesn’t even move an inch*

-wanda was so badass in her 10 second scene. i just thought it was really cool

-peter using instant kill mode

-tony using the gauntlet was badass. i hated it but it was SO amazing at the same time i wanted to cry and cheer at the same time so i ended up in a semi catatonic state for the rest of the day

-the little wreath with the first arc reactor, morgan craving cheeseburgers, tony’s last message.....;-;

-i love you 3000.....:((((((

-SAM GETTING TO BE CAP. (this was one of the best parts of the all-new all-different avengers comic) even though i still don’t like steve’s ending, i love that sam is going to take up the mantle (and i’m super excited to see the falcon winter soldier show now)

-the movie ended with the soundtrack of tony building the mark 1 solidifying that none of this would’ve happened without iron man. good thing endgame credits said that maybe tony stan lives do matter

-a rat is responsible for saving half the universe and i find that REALLY funny. my favorite theory is that the rat was loki the whole time and that doubles the hilarity

tldr: the movie had an ending that didn’t really fit the characters, but the rest of it was fun to watch: the action scenes were great, the interactions between the characters were mostly good, and it’s overall pretty entertaining as a film by itself. as a closing to the infinity saga it feels unsatisfying, but as a movie it’s enjoyable

[genamartian]

Him: are you okay?

Me: yeah

Me, internally: Hey poopy, I'm Andy Patton of the East Chicago harbor in Indiana, before reading about my indiana jones lifestyle, have a go at tetris which is about to load, make a high score, and use my page just like your personal black and white gameboy, and relax with me like i'm your lazyboy barcalounger!!

[Here comes the game]
Source: Crazy Games

........... I got a pell grant for film school because i'm poor and might choose Chicago University this fall or winter. i'm single baby!!! But not in the sense where i'm fucking other people n shit, its been 6yrs not being with a woman, I've had 8 dates since jail and got to kiss and hug a girl but that was years ago, I miss human touch, i'm scarred from heartbreak but also i don't succumb to lonesomeness and have someone beside me for the time being as a renter to my heart, i seek love and not fingerbangs, i'm a novelist of dozens of books (details in my publshed folder on my facebook .com/boathopper page, add me)..... I have 1,000+ short films, 3 films, one of them i killed 80 actors in, its called 'the tenderizer' and it had a zero budget which raked in a few grand of clothing/vhs tape sales.....i have a fantasy novel that can be read in its entirety for free at http: //shakeyquakeyridenovel.blogspot.com/ and it could be bigger than harry potter but nobody reads anymore.... and i have another book you can read for free at http://platdnovel.blogspot.com/ ........... i had a script in hollywood bounced around called boathopper which is science fiction about a monster slamming into our oceans, but the serial killer described in it is identical and predates the 'dexter' book and show, and yes its copywritten just like the rest of my sampled work, stephen king even samples me, and i've overtaken him in quantity as well in my opinion as quality, i'm to the point and don't drag on bullshit fluff for too long, to see more about the dexter narrative and incredible journey your detections could take just youtube 'andyp's arduous travels of an unrenound serial killer'. my body is caked and dented in scars, lacerations and holes because i'm a good person, a strong person, doing good things in a horrible place, this earth, but i'm retired and yet i haven't even begun, i'm the type of person that's been all over the world killing warlords and thousands of the cruelest people known to exist, so the mysteriousness is lain in this, am i a serial killer? or just a shadow operative navy seal?........ i've had troll blogs devote themselves to me before, but here's one that's the most recent, i love my haters suhn https://kiwifar.ms/threads/andy-patton-aka-clivedavinci-loveshy-filmmaker-who-is-apparently-the-true-creator-of-dexter.11274/ ........i really am a mass murderer, my reins controlled by the police, and knowledge of me by other precincts one by one, year by year, being like an internal affairs of hitmen for them, to the most redtape entanglements that bother each depeartment, all secret, commissioned by a government program later, and then after my r.o.t.c i took out of highschol, where i aimed high towards the air force the seals nabbed me out of the air force, my intellect and my physical attributes is extremely rare, i could’ve easily gotten a wrestling scholarship to purdue after i had a walk on match with a dude from iowa and slammed his huge cornfed ass to the mat so hard he got hurt, i realized i can’t be invovled in regular heights of the elite, i couldn’t go backwards from what i had became, since i was a boy i’ve been in china in training programs, i honestly led a life just like d.a.r.y.l the movie, exept i wasn’t a robot, even figuratively in the sense of a sociopathic mindless servant or psycho, i was bombarded by compassionate teachings, my mother a police officer the leadrope to all of this, allowing this, she’s caught serial killers and crimelords, and one time it backfired, horrible men came and abducted me, and tortured me, they bordered on white supremecy and satanists, my mom didn’t find me that long month, the police didn’t find me, this was even in a newspaper, but all knowledge of this ever happening has been redacted and destroyed, nobody could find me, i was 6yrs old, three powerful men sexualy abused me, physically burned me, broke my bones, my rectum had been split open, i was beaten purple with my eyes swollen every couple days when i started to heal, where they would bust me up again, nobody knew where i was, on one of the most high profile cases my mom ever took, she did come to rescue me with the murderers in the house still there, in their total ignorance of evil and what they can get away with, with a young innocent boy, they left their knife that they cut me with on the mattress 3 seconds too long, and i turned into chucky, i snapped, i had absolutely no fear, i didn’t wanna run out of a door, blood pooled all over the floor, it was always my blood, seeing your reflection in your own pool of blood as you cry for help night after night as you lay to try to get comfy to sleep which you can’t becuase you’re bruised all over, does something to someone, something snaps, like how a virgin’s skin does when a scumbag pops their cherry, i became chucky, i had developed tactical defense, and didn’t keep stabbing one of them, i sliced one of them down crying, then hid and waited for the next and sliced him, and i waited many hours in the house, not leaving, not picking up the phone yet, waiting for the other to arrive, in the dark i came at him, where he had no time to react, i climbed and took the bulbs out, and easily made my way to get him too before he saw the scene int he bedroom, i sliced away his achilles as i jutted out behind a couch, those long hours before he came and met his demise, i’d played, like a child with toys, but i played with my knife, a memento i still have, a murder weapon of the most grotesque, i stabbed at every part of their skin, i even kept one of them alive, and took out each of his eyes andn let him squirm around, something inside me took over, and it was GOOD as much as it had been horrible, it must’ve been something put there by god and vengence, and i finally called my mom and we talked on the phone, booking had listened in, her friends, i explained but they were confused, i told them they were still in the house with me and they can come over,i couldn’t talk properly, i hadn’t really known what i’d done, it was like i was possessed, i blubbered crying on the phone just hearing her voice, she was the first one to the scene, there were other cops that came later, which contradicted a way out for me that she would have to face, her son, which the world woudln’t wanna face, and instituionalize me for, those cops got fired for something she had to fenagle, it was her son, or them, you’re forgetting that i was a murderer, although 6, doesn’t matter, all the murderers were stilll in the house, but they were all dead, and cut to pieces, and it took my mom probaby 10 full minutes to unclench my hand around my knife, and dthat was only because i allowed it, because we came to a truce where she’d let me keep it, it was a part of me now, it saved me, it helped me, it was my friend, yes i wrote a novel predating dexter called boathopper where its science fiction, but the myth of a dexter like child in blood had been passed around precincts long before that, it was covered up but there’s always trace gossip, it became a legend, i’ve worked in moscow with putin, i’ve been taught by spies, everytime i’m pulled over the cops freak out becuaase my rapsheet is so long, and that’s just in america, but i’m always a victim or witness, i’m always acting and protecting people, never a bad person, just misunderstood, all the cops protect me, all the agents, the stint i did in calif was my exes doing, i remember traveling ALOT, missing alot of school, but always coming back, pretending to be in school, hanging out with my friends, iwas bombarded by animals, i loved animals, i wasn’t a maniac to ever hurt one no matter my blood rage, but i was taken to villages a round the world to share love with good people and experiences, and to always train, and to even kill, i needed to kill, a lifetime of killing, decades of it, thousands of horriblly evil people around the world, especially china, india and the middleeast before soldiers ever got there, was my purpose in life, i could chameleon into any cell, or group, i was invisible and innocent, and with training i was a weapon, all my education when to combat and stealth and learning many languages, and i served my agency proud, and when i tried to resume a regular life i couldn’t, i was hurting people in sports, not really trying to, my training i held back on, and just used physical standards, but i had too much rage, its like i wanted to see people bleed, i’d been around the world helping animals, trained as an assassin, trained by seals, educated by scholars, there are good sects in this world when you’re facing incredible circumstnces, as well as bad sects like terrorists or satanists, and they caught wind and found my mom as she had sought something like them too, onlhy a few people know about this, after the rotc, i went to the air force for a few months, then leaped to the seals and i’ve been putting away badguys, and hopping back to the states for my character andn presence ever since, i’m a honed tactician, i’m beyond liam neeson, i’m a good person, i have compassion for everyone, but i have a screw loose, and i need love, and i’ll never find it, i’m calmed now and ptsd of wartime endevours you just get used to, compared to childhood traumas, i’m retired, vocalization and protest is what changes laws and leading by example helps animals in the world, i just need someone to spend my life with now, i had a good girl once, who was teetering on the side of cdraziness, enough crazy and cool to put up with me, but she was taken by this horrible world, i needed saved and she abandoned me, her best friend, i’m looking for someone new to come into my life and not be so fussy and close minded,k i’m still just a child needing affection, someone save me ......i'm the funniest person probably in the world in person, but i've gotten shy and reclusive the last decade, from my loved ones dissected and murdered in hospitals, to love stricken from me like a lightening bolt, i used to love dancing in clubs/weddings with any hot girl, but i could never dance again having lived the shit i've went through with my ex slowing metamorphasizing into a prostitute, and it began from the attention she got from me taking her out to clubs and being mixed in an elite environment and dancing with her making her feel a little bit too great to the point she needed to have that drug 24/7, so she slowly went out and forged it, dancing is the work of the devil i know see, its like that george michael song 'i'm never gonna dance again' love just gets taken from you and you become a bitter person because of it, i'm still funny, but it has to be the right setting, i have to be feeling good or buzzed or have a fleeting bliss of happiness, i can get really fucking dark sometimes to the point its scary, you mix i've been an eliete in sports amongst other things in my life, alongside my talented writing that's grosser and more depicting and original than anything clive or king could right, and you'll have a formula of fear, i mean one story i killed god himself, its on my fb in my notes titled 'the after', i've cursed god for the last couple decades of my life, not because i'm an atheiest or don't believe in a god entirely, but because if there was one, i figured he was absolute evil, like a parent abandoning children in a dingy motel or something, forced to fend for themselves because they don't know better, i have many thoughts on god but i'm a philosopher too, so that's a topic that can go on forever, for the most part, i vent, i'm fuming mad, but i'm the most passive human being you'll ever known, and the people beating upon me in life can attest to it, you see those vines or gifs with cats beating the shit out of large enormous strong dogs? well that's me, no matter what i'll never bite, i just seem to bark alot because i'm lonely, and still so heartbroken, i've never filled in that gap of a 'friend' or a 'fuckpal' or a partner in my life since my breakup, i'm not doing it right, like everyone else copes, i don't deal with death the same either, i'm careless to it and am enlightened to not get attached anymore, to anything, seeing dozens of my family put in the ground, it just takes a toll of carelessness, its something i don't want to deal with anymore, my cat was the height of all the bad in my life, a year ago my sister allowed this prostitute that was living next to me in my room to throw a fuckparty in the entire house, and my cat kidiot got outside, and this was when i was tossed out of that drughouse for not reason on top of it by the very multiple cops that were banging my sister, someone i cared about, and my cat kidiot who i've had a decade, got trapped and starved to death in a hot shed, just a glimpse at the kind of shit i have to go through ad cry over in my life, and its not because i'm a bad person, and its not from strangers, its from people closest to me, its always like that for me and i'm uncertain why........15 of my short films are pretty good, but maybe i'm just being modest and don't determine my worth properly,you'd have to type 'andyp's short films' to see some on multiple accounts, i'm always deleted, a rebel on youtube, i have a hellraiser script at hellraisernightshines.yolasite.com, another tumblr at clivedavinciromance ............ i was entering a finished 3rd horror feature into sundance but its incomplete, i made it by myself in a empty building when i was homeless, its under 'sundancers andyp's' on youtube, the 2nd part is the best, my 1st two features were generic slashers and don't count as serious, i'm finishing up another book, a fantasy novel i think will be bigger than harry potter...i WILL become larger than stephen king, and you wonder why i choose such a high totum to climb other than a smaller horror writer? well its because i've finished libraries of writing, novels and shorts, all the decades i've been alone and sad in a dark room as an introvert, what is dormant, and what is almost accomplished is more thatn king, almost, i need a few green miles and stand by me's first, and then i need a few other stories and books and i will have achieved more elaborate words than star wars or marvel combined, i just have to get them seen is all, tha'ts the hard/easy part......i hang out with my gay friends in portage, they're all i have in my life, my mexican bestie is leaving ot vegas, i don't have any other real friends, and no family left, i'm just all alone in the world, i drive a stupid car i spraypainted purple, i act like a retard because i want to filter through phony uptight people, i want a real cool, good girl, who doesn't fuck everyone like everyone in society does, i want a lover and rebel and fighter, not someone who's ordinary like my ex who breaks hearts and breaks herself off pieces of dick at any whim, i haven't kissed a girl in over 2 years. I'm not a sleazeball, i've only had 3serious long relationships, that means i've only had sex with 3 people, no additional fingerbangs or buttfuckings, maybe i kissed ten more girls, but that's it. I say heartfelt poems or perversion after almost every pic i reblog, so the history of my tumblr is quite a reading adventure. I'm a horror writer, here is a link to my newest collection of stories http://www.lulu.com/shop/andrew-patton/reflections-in-the-dark/paperback/product-20340079.html I'm an animal activist.gay rights activist, civil rights activist and women's rights activist, BUT I differ in opinion about bisexuals, not for them personally, but from my own experiences of people being able to fuck how many people they want without consquence to character, the last time i checked if someone was unsure if they liked women or men more they weren't tasting all those crotches, they went about their business and didn't need a stamp that i feel is an equivalent to yelling 'hey i'm in bars fucking this guy, fucking that guy and i don't give a fuck', well that's fine, live how you want, but in your abundances of pussy/dick and indecision, i'm all alone, and i'd be humbled to just hold and love ONE PERSON, and that's were the idea of the 'title' not the 'person' bisexual comes into conflict with me, its saying 'i'm samantha from sex and the city and slopping up weiners and hot snatches left and right, so fuck you', i don't hate anyone, i'm understanding of nearly anything, i try my hardest to dissuade violence or hate in any way i can, i just think the terminology used to describe someone as a bisexual is just for show, if they don't know if they love and man or woman, who's to say they even love men or women? but their travels and undertakings of trying to find that out are being stamped and revealed for all the world to know about, and i don't dislike it, i just think its as tacky as me posting my boner videos in my underwear is all, its sleazy to your eyes, but you don't understand me right, like i woudn't understand you? in such perversion there is actual sweetness in me and reasons i do this crazy shit, bisexuals and their silly title which is basically just saying you're a hippi is just offputing to some, like me who had a girl i loved who became bisexual, yet all she's doing is fucking people for money, and i bet alot of people have sex and not for love and in doing that i'd never wanna be stamped with something, in a broad sense sure, but me, i'm an individual and i'm kind and good and accepting of all of you and love all of you so what the fuck matters our personal bickerings ya know?....... stupid groups of people like most feminists, most of what p.e.t.a does, truth anti smoking commercials, etc, bother me, because these consist mainly of spoiled brats not really doing anything, having a campus activity n shit, not empassioned deeper, not being in any form of fight, just a lap of luxery, forcing their beliefs or ways of life on you even if they are the most insane selfish things imagineable, i think i used to be bitter about hipsters too, just anyone who is phony as fuck, hell it could even be described as a rare unicorn of a girl i liked, doesn't matter, superficiality annoys me more than anything......... like i actually argue with people who do gangbangs and have swinger parties, could they honestly justify that disgusting shit to me, do it on your own time and leave me out of your sexcapades, seeing those depictions in 'bruno' or something, or me personally jacking off to threesomes n shit in porn is one thing but if you're gonna come on my page and bitch and moan i think that's 'sleazy' since it doesn't invovle TWO people, but instead involves multiple people, then you're just dumb,.............. i'm the most fucked up person alive, stranger by far of any human alive, i have an imaginative mind but i also have social skills, i know what its like being lonesome its why i hate when people just fuck tons of others, they spit at something i wish i had, they are gluttonous. My idols are Clive Barker, i made my art collection entirely out of scratch but i had him in mind to impress him, and i also made a book of short stories like his books of blood, i'm very similar to him, a huge fan, but it wasn't on purpose, its weird, its liked he fucked my mom in the 70's before he went gay or something, Stephen King, Kenny Hotz, Wayne Pacelle of the hspca, and others, even steve o and tom green. i'm the poorest person i know, yet i give my singles to bums, i'm selfless, i'm lazy, but when i have ambition like someone helping me, i'll create milestones. i make all my videos mostly in this loft at my moms house, i'm stuck here until my federal probation is up, not like i'll go anywhere else unless i get mental disability, i have no drive in life for average shit, i'm a creator, not an assembly line worker, i don't need the shit that money can buy, i'd never go to disneyland again even if someone bought me a package cause i think its extravagent and there are kids that will never see that place, i'd let them go in my place. i dislike snooty superficial people who act like they are better than you and are mean and bully and act like they're cool, when really they are fucking ignorant whiny brats in college or some shit trying to find their identities; they are jackoffs. so beware if you get offended by something i say, which is almost always a joke, cause i'll outdebate you and i'm VERY mean to bullies who get used to being tools in their normal lives with normal people, cause i'm not normal, i'm elite, cream of the crop, super large penis machoman, and i'm wittier, funnier and fucking the coolest fuck you'll ever know period, so bitches on their periods stand no chance either. My trolling book is blowing up, its sold 43 copies now, i've made it cheaper, black & white, so i'm making money now, DON'T USE CREATESPACE they are not creative friendly. you can find my large magazine type trolling book here.. http://www.lulu.com/shop/andrew-patton/trolling-101/paperback/product-20324152.html I've been raised by women without a father, i'm very feminine but strong, so don't turn me into an angry woman that will tell you off, but it takes alot to even get me mad, it just may seem i'm mad cause i'm pretty creative and outspoken, but really, i just laugh at your insults and bullying and i destroy anything you shit out with my verbal reckonings. I don't think i'm better than anyone, i'm kind to everyone, and that's what opens my mouth in the first place, is people attacking me or trying to bully me, it reminds me of how they could be doing it do someone else, like a gay kid, a black person, a woman, and it pisses me off. scene kids are the worst, almost like nazis cause they are a form of upper rich caste system that thinks they're better and they get snobby and uptight and its fucking annoying. I'm faithful,, sometimes romantic, sometimes funny genuine human. I dob not have anything in common with humans, I feel I'm more intelligent and its a burden being in a way, an ugly duckling. But I relate to morons too, because I am a stupid moron sometimes, I'm silly like that. next month i will have seen 10 psychiatrists in my life yet there's nothing even wrong with me.I'm the kind of person who would volunteer his head to a row of nazis so that others may live, i'm selfless. I'm also the kind of person who would be the ONLY one to stand up and risk not being hidden anymore, risk being killed by those nazis just to stand up to them. I'm a leader. I've led 100 of the world's worst maniacs in a jail cell for a year, I was on the back of a 7ft nigerian man preventing him from killing someone, I was a good person in a bad place, like jesus walking this shitty earth. Upon an apoclypse in 2012 i can lead the world to peace. i'm also the kind of person that is a fighter, i can be on my bloody knees before a dozen nazis and slice all their throats in moments before they know what's happening. I've only been with 3 girls, all long relationships and am still looking for my true soul mate on this planet, I've scavenged billions of galaxies looking and my search has ended here. You're here somewhere, I sense you. My ex got me put in jail to become a pornstar? She sent a threat to Kevin Spacey's website. The fuckers stole my movie 'The Thing' but made it shitty, read my synopsis or script at thethingfromanotherworld.webs.com. 2nd time feds kicked in my door, guns blazing, I told them my gf had shaved a penis in my chest hair, which she really did the night before, they looked and laughed and withdrew their guns out of our faces, I basically saved that crazy ex ponrstar, tattood bitch's life with my wittiness and her stupid art project she did on me when she was bored. Plus, having a lifesize darth maul figurine at the foot of my bed didn't really solidify to these saps I was a real serial murderer. I'm a handyman and can do just about anything, I'm currently building a movie set for my next silly video. I type 100 words a minute. I'm great with my mind, hands and dignity and I apply those things to women. I'm the most compassionate person alive or who has ever lived. I'm a registered rehabber wih the D.N.R. of Indiana. I"m incredible in all sports. I love spending time with someone I love watching movies and going out to eat, just waiting on that right girl. I have a bachelor's in English, and an associates from Minneapolis in Art instruction, but I'm happy with being a loser, being poor and having no future, I'm just trying to manage every day on this shitty planet, being a very lonely wise thing. I've been to California a dozen times in the last 2 years and not for vacation or my own accord (long story). I'm VERY down to earth and give great advice. If I could go to Chipotle daily I would, but I have no girl in my life, no significant other, no waddling penguin, no friend to hold my hand. i do like a girl alot, but i realize how fucked up i am, sometimes i don't even want to get out of bed, i'd need her to understand what its like to be lonesome and depressed, i really miss holding someone. we're all doomed to die, it sucks, i'm just trying to make my life as comfortable as possible with the little means i have, hopefully they'll put me on mental disability and i can continue my writing without having to work shit jobs to make ends meet, or save for a date with a girl and it never happens anyways go to a few of my sites myspace.com/andyp6 or Andy's Facebook link is below, its facebook.com/boathopper i have a new myspace account but rarely use it

[imnovampire]

III

The next round of flyers was found the following morning. Taped to doors in the night, with no more then twenty recipients. Time and location remained the same. Sherlock had kept track of the last players to see if anything unusual happened to any of them. It had. James Harper, suddenly went back to America. "Honestly you don't find it a bit strange that a third year from the states just abandons everything and leaves unannounced. His friends said he hadn't said a word about leaving. Quite the opposite in fact. They say he went to see the dean and oh...!" "What?" Sherlock's sudden pause made Irene jerk her attention back to him. "Not sure. I need to think." Sherlock pushed his cup aside and made to stand. "I don't think so." Irene tilted her head in the direction of the coffee shop door where John had just come in with a cold wind behind him. He caught Sherlock's eye and made a beeline for him. "Mind if I join you?" John smiled down at Sherlock. "You do know I exist right? I mean you can see me here, next to him." Irene looked baffled. "Yes Irene. I see you there. But just barely." John offered her his best smile. "Sit John, and don't pay Irene any attention." "Hadn't planned on it." John said nicely. Irene rolled her eyes. "Oh you two twats are perfect for each other." "I agree. Now if only I could convince him." John reach across the table for Sherlock's hand. Sherlock didn't pull away. Sherlock gave Irene an incredulous look. "And what would you know of us being perfect for one another?" "You're not really asking are? Because if you are I could go on for days! For starters neither one of you can even see anyone else when the others around. Posh boy here goes all deep voice and bashful at the sight of you, and you Dr. Watson, exhibit the most seductive bed side manner I've ever had the pleasure to witness. Just shag already." Irene blew Sherlock a kiss and winked at John as she went out to smoke ignoring his murderous glare. "I think I like that." John grinned. "What is it exactly that you think you like?" Sherlock asked. John laughed at the poorly concealed jealousy in Sherlock's rich tone. "Posh boy. It fits. Speaking of fits. I have something for you." John pulled a soft wrapped bundle from his bag. "John...I'm not very good with gifts, giving or receiving..." "It's not a gift, it's something you need if you're going to be out there in the cold watching me play." Sherlock opened the plane brown paper bundle. "Is it a kitten?! Oh please say it's a kitten!" Irene twaddled as she returned from the cold. "If kittens are made of blue cashmere then yes Irene, it is in fact a kitten. Thank you so much John. It's...perfect." John stood took the plush blue scarf and looped it around Sherlock's neck, letting his fingers deliberately brush the slider column causing a visible shaver in the younger man. John smile at the reaction he had won. John leaned in speaking the words close to Sherlock's ear. "Now it's perfect." And brushed a kiss to his cheek. "See you at the game. Goodbye Irene." Sherlock felt a heat rise in his face. "Goodbye Dr. Watson." Irene nodded her approval. Sherlock watched John blaze across the pitch and was stunned. Sherlock never would have thought that he could find John any more attractive then he already did. He had been abundantly wrong. Watching him practice was one thing, but seeing him play caught up in the frenzy of the game, the power and the agression, the leadership, and control. John was the picture of male beauty. Watching John in his element on that failed sacred Sherlock to death. This man was so far beyond his knowledge. So out of his lègue. Sherlock had to stop this before he found himself in ruins. "Irene. I can't." Sherlock tugged on Irene's coat sleeve as she was standing up making some sort of lud gesture to the apposing team. "What are you on about?" Irene sat, took a drink from her flask and passed it to Sherlock who took it without question. "He'll tear me apart. I can't survive John Watson. I can't." Sherlock shoved the flask back in her hand and particularly ran from the field before she could say a word. Irene followed as quickly as she could. Once outside the pitch, Sherlock wasn't hard to spot. "Sherlock you stop this instant! Sherlock! I know you hear me!" Irene was being flat out ignored. "William Sherlock Scott Holmes!" That did the trick. Sherlock whipped around to glare at her. "You forced my hand so don't give me that bloody look!" "I don't want to talk Irene Isabella Elizabeth Adler!" Sherlock threw the words at her. "Stop being petty! I don't care who knows my name, and I don't give a damn if you want to talk! I'm not going to let you muck this up!" "Irene he'll destroy me! If I saw this exact scenario playing out in front of me I would call myself a fool and you know it!" "Stop this Sherlock! He's not Thomas! I know how badly Thomas hurt you, I know that he was lovely to you behind closed doors. And I know how betrayed you felt when he denied you in public. But John Watson, is not Thomas Shipton. Will John break your heart? Maybe. I don't know. But he'll never betray you. He's mad about you. And you're mad about him. Don't let that pass." "Take the chance?" "Yes." Irene released a breath she hadn't known she'd been holding. Sherlock stared at her a long moment worrying his bottom lip. "No." He left without another word. ~~~ Irene went back to the pitch. The game had ended with a win for the Kings Men, and John though happy for the his team and the win, Irene could see him searching the stands with disappointed eyes. Once they fell on her they headed towards each other. "John I'm sorry. He's left. He's scared to death. He just needs time to think." Even as Irene said the words she knew that that was the last thing Sherlock needed to do. Given time he would rationalize a million different bullshit reasons to run away. "Sod this. Talk to him. He's a fool John and he's scared." "Scared. He's a grown man!" John was upset and disappointed. "Yes he is. A grown man with limited knowledge in relationships who lost his virginity to a prick who publicly shamed him as a lying fagot." John's reaction was visceral. The urge to vomit was nearly overwhelming. Unable to speak. Too many emotions rushed through him. First of which was a murderous rage for Thomas Shipton. Second was anger at himself for being blind to the obvious. Third was a fierce determination. Sherlock was precious, and if it took a life time John would make certain he knew it. He smiled to him and started to leave. Irene was confused. "So that's it? You're just done?" "Hell no! I'm ass over teakettle for him." John's smile was spread across his face and he ran off without a second glance. Irene rolled her eyes and stared after John's back."And that's why I like girls." ~~~ John looked at the clock above the bar for the bezillonth time and went back to watching his teammates enjoying their win, drunk laughing and singing and wished he were somewhere else. With someone else. With Sherlock. After talking with Irene it had been hard to come to the pub and celebrate, yet as team captain he had a duty to his mates, and so he sat. But some how every thought led back to the gorgeous young man and how much John wanted to simply be with him. In his presence. This thing between them it felt like...madness. To think of Sherlock made John's heart ache in the most beautiful way. It felt like...oh God. Oh fuck. Greg took a seat next to John. "You look like you've seen a ghost mate." Greg sat a fresh pint in front of John. "Greg, I think I'm in trouble. " John sounded genuinely worried. "Sherlock?" Greg asked. "Yep." John's gaze was far off. "What's the plan then?" "No idea." "How bad?" "As bad as it gets." Greg finally turned to look at his friend. "Maybe you just need to get him out of your system, yeah?" John made a sound that could pass for a laugh. "Hell I'm afraid to even touch him." "What?! You mean you haven't shagged him senseless yet?" "Nope." "Shit." Greg said in a reverent whisper. "Yep." "John..." Greg had been friends with John since primary school and he knew John as well as he knew himself. John was most certainly in trouble. "Told you." John threw back the rest of his pint and stood up. "I leave you in charge of the the boys. Don't let Pipin get out of hand and make sure Seth gose home with Liam." "And where are you going?" "Quite possibly to make a fool of myself." "Right then." Greg raised his glass. "Cheers." ~~~ Sherlock lay on his bed in the dark going over every second he'd spent with John Watson. Each one more prized then the last. Oh but the risk. With Thomas there had been pain, but mostly of pride. With John there would be so very much more. How had he let himself fall this far on so little. The thought of letting John in teetered between terrifying and thrilling. A knock at the door broke Sherlocks considerations. "Go away!" Sherlock yelled. "Sherlock." John called through the door. Sherlock's eyes flew open and before he knew what was doing he'd rushed to the door. "John, I thought you'd be with your team." "Can I come in." John's voice was low and intensity radiated from him. "What do you want John?" Sherlock didn't trust himself. "I want you. To just...be with you." His honesty was raw. "To what end?" "To no end." Sherlock started to close the door. He was afraid. But not of John. Of himself and his overwhelming desire to let this man in. Not in his flat, in his life. His heart. His mind. His bed. To just have John flood his world. "I know what Thomas did to you. I know why you don't trust me. But I'm not him and I won't hurt you. Ever. I'm a good man." "Not a very modest one." "Modesty is overrated. Please." He opened the door and let John pass. They turned to face one another seemingly pushed together by the darkness, a soft yellow glow from the street cast shadows in the trace of distance left between them. John couldn't seem to find enough air and his chest heaved, Sherlock moved close looking down at John silently asking... "John." Pure honey. It flowed into Johns very soul. "I have never...wanted anything the way I want you. But I will not touch you until you give me permission." John was solemn. "Kiss me." "Oh God." The words rushed out of John as a shaky exhale. To any on looker John would have appeared nervous. His breath was quick and he was nearly vibrating. But he was far from nervous. He was burning alive. His need to devour Sherlock was so great, John clenched and unclenched his hands at his sides trying to find some calm. "Will you make me beg?" The question was innocent enough and yet... John slid one hand down to the small of Sherlock's back, the other firmly on the side of his neck as his thumb moved along Sherlock's jawline. "One day...yes. But not today." Sherlock moaned low into John's mouth as their kiss became a firestorm. Both being drawn into the blaze, caught up in the current. Clothing seemed to burn away. Once naked John rubbed his harsh stubble cheek over Sherlock's pale skin, leaving a trail of pink across his chest down his abdomen to the edge of dark curls. Sherlock yielded his body to John's desire and skill. And oh what skill it was. John left Sherlock smoldering over and over one well pleased kiss away from inferno. "John I need you." Sherlock's voice raspy, his hands screeching, digging into flesh, thin fingers finding John's satin hot rock hard length. They both jerked at the touch. Sherlock felt his stomach roll and his own cock quiver. "Let me have you." He tugged gently. Possessively. Sherlock used his voice to advantage. John groan and very nearly came in Sherlock's hand. John needed to talk but could barely form one word. "Condom." John said the word in hot breath against the inside of Sherlock's thigh. Sherlock produced a condoms from the nightstand. "This time. But not forever." John smiled at forever, and soon they were lost to a fire that was impossible to control. Sherlock rocked into John's thrust seeking the center of the storm together. John's body spasmed deep inside Sherlock and brought the younger man a shuttering climax. John lay against Sherlock's chest, still inside him, Sherlock's long legs loosely wrapped around John, both light headed floating and dangerously close to speaking the words that had led them to this moment. Sherlock ran his hands down John's back and smacked his bottom as he disentangled himself. John watched him walk across the room with unconscious grace. Sherlock came back to bed with a clean flannel. John jerked at Sherlock's intimate touch. "You were perfect." Sherlock kissed John's chest. "I was just thinking the same thing. You know I can never let you go now." Sherlock smiled softly at John's words. "I mean it." He did. "So. Forever then." Sherlock kissed him again, and let his hand wonder. "Forever then. You need to stop that or we'll never get any sleep tonight." John tried not to jut his hips into Sherlock's touch. "Oh darling, sleep was never an option." Sherlock's voice rumbled against John's shaft as he took him in his mouth.

[ofools]

look at this dude’s fucking bio

warning: its ridiculously fucking long

Hey poopy, I'm Andy Patton of the East Chicago harbor in Indiana, before reading about my indiana jones lifestyle, have a go at tetris which is about to load, make a high score, and use my page just like your personal black and white gameboy, and relax with me like i'm your lazyboy barcalounger!!

[Here comes the game] Source: Crazy Games

........... I got a pell grant for film school because i'm poor and might choose Chicago University this fall or winter. i'm single baby!!! But not in the sense where i'm fucking other people n shit, its been 6yrs not being with a woman, I've had 8 dates since jail and got to kiss and hug a girl but that was years ago, I miss human touch, i'm scarred from heartbreak but also i don't succumb to lonesomeness and have someone beside me for the time being as a renter to my heart, i seek love and not fingerbangs, i'm a novelist of dozens of books (details in my publshed folder on my facebook .com/boathopper page, add me)..... I have 1,000+ short films, 3 films, one of them i killed 80 actors in, its called 'the tenderizer' and it had a zero budget which raked in a few grand of clothing/vhs tape sales.....i have a fantasy novel that can be read in its entirety for free at http://shakeyquakeyridenovel.blogspot.com/ and it could be bigger than harry potter but nobody reads anymore.... and i have another book you can read for free at http://platdnovel.blogspot.com/ ........... i had a script in hollywood bounced around called boathopper which is science fiction about a monster slamming into our oceans, but the serial killer described in it is identical and predates the 'dexter' book and show, and yes its copywritten just like the rest of my sampled work, stephen king even samples me, and i've overtaken him in quantity as well in my opinion as quality, i'm to the point and don't drag on bullshit fluff for too long, to see more about the dexter narrative and incredible journey your detections could take just youtube 'andyp's arduous travels of an unrenound serial killer'. my body is caked and dented in scars, lacerations and holes because i'm a good person, a strong person, doing good things in a horrible place, this earth, but i'm retired and yet i haven't even begun, i'm the type of person that's been all over the world killing warlords and thousands of the cruelest people known to exist, so the mysteriousness is lain in this, am i a serial killer? or just a shadow operative navy seal?........ i've had troll blogs devote themselves to me before, but here's one that's the most recent, i love my haters suhn https://kiwifar.ms/threads/andy-patton-aka-clivedavinci-loveshy-filmmaker-who-is-apparently-the-true-creator-of-dexter.11274/ ........i really am a mass murderer, my reins controlled by the police, and knowledge of me by other precincts one by one, year by year, being like an internal affairs of hitmen for them, to the most redtape entanglements that bother each depeartment, all secret, commissioned by a government program later, and then after my r.o.t.c i took out of highschol, where i aimed high towards the air force the seals nabbed me out of the air force, my intellect and my physical attributes is extremely rare, i could’ve easily gotten a wrestling scholarship to purdue after i had a walk on match with a dude from iowa and slammed his huge cornfed ass to the mat so hard he got hurt, i realized i can’t be invovled in regular heights of the elite, i couldn’t go backwards from what i had became, since i was a boy i’ve been in china in training programs, i honestly led a life just like d.a.r.y.l the movie, exept i wasn’t a robot, even figuratively in the sense of a sociopathic mindless servant or psycho, i was bombarded by compassionate teachings, my mother a police officer the leadrope to all of this, allowing this, she’s caught serial killers and crimelords, and one time it backfired, horrible men came and abducted me, and tortured me, they bordered on white supremecy and satanists, my mom didn’t find me that long month, the police didn’t find me, this was even in a newspaper, but all knowledge of this ever happening has been redacted and destroyed, nobody could find me, i was 6yrs old, three powerful men sexualy abused me, physically burned me, broke my bones, my rectum had been split open, i was beaten purple with my eyes swollen every couple days when i started to heal, where they would bust me up again, nobody knew where i was, on one of the most high profile cases my mom ever took, she did come to rescue me with the murderers in the house still there, in their total ignorance of evil and what they can get away with, with a young innocent boy, they left their knife that they cut me with on the mattress 3 seconds too long, and i turned into chucky, i snapped, i had absolutely no fear, i didn’t wanna run out of a door, blood pooled all over the floor, it was always my blood, seeing your reflection in your own pool of blood as you cry for help night after night as you lay to try to get comfy to sleep which you can’t becuase you’re bruised all over, does something to someone, something snaps, like how a virgin’s skin does when a scumbag pops their cherry, i became chucky, i had developed tactical defense, and didn’t keep stabbing one of them, i sliced one of them down crying, then hid and waited for the next and sliced him, and i waited many hours in the house, not leaving, not picking up the phone yet, waiting for the other to arrive, in the dark i came at him, where he had no time to react, i climbed and took the bulbs out, and easily made my way to get him too before he saw the scene int he bedroom, i sliced away his achilles as i jutted out behind a couch, those long hours before he came and met his demise, i’d played, like a child with toys, but i played with my knife, a memento i still have, a murder weapon of the most grotesque, i stabbed at every part of their skin, i even kept one of them alive, and took out each of his eyes andn let him squirm around, something inside me took over, and it was GOOD as much as it had been horrible, it must’ve been something put there by god and vengence, and i finally called my mom and we talked on the phone, booking had listened in, her friends, i explained but they were confused, i told them they were still in the house with me and they can come over,i couldn’t talk properly, i hadn’t really known what i’d done, it was like i was possessed, i blubbered crying on the phone just hearing her voice, she was the first one to the scene, there were other cops that came later, which contradicted a way out for me that she would have to face, her son, which the world woudln’t wanna face, and instituionalize me for, those cops got fired for something she had to fenagle, it was her son, or them, you’re forgetting that i was a murderer, although 6, doesn’t matter, all the murderers were stilll in the house, but they were all dead, and cut to pieces, and it took my mom probaby 10 full minutes to unclench my hand around my knife, and dthat was only because i allowed it, because we came to a truce where she’d let me keep it, it was a part of me now, it saved me, it helped me, it was my friend, yes i wrote a novel predating dexter called boathopper where its science fiction, but the myth of a dexter like child in blood had been passed around precincts long before that, it was covered up but there’s always trace gossip, it became a legend, i’ve worked in moscow with putin, i’ve been taught by spies, everytime i’m pulled over the cops freak out becuaase my rapsheet is so long, and that’s just in america, but i’m always a victim or witness, i’m always acting and protecting people, never a bad person, just misunderstood, all the cops protect me, all the agents, the stint i did in calif was my exes doing, i remember traveling ALOT, missing alot of school, but always coming back, pretending to be in school, hanging out with my friends, iwas bombarded by animals, i loved animals, i wasn’t a maniac to ever hurt one no matter my blood rage, but i was taken to villages a round the world to share love with good people and experiences, and to always train, and to even kill, i needed to kill, a lifetime of killing, decades of it, thousands of horriblly evil people around the world, especially china, india and the middleeast before soldiers ever got there, was my purpose in life, i could chameleon into any cell, or group, i was invisible and innocent, and with training i was a weapon, all my education when to combat and stealth and learning many languages, and i served my agency proud, and when i tried to resume a regular life i couldn’t, i was hurting people in sports, not really trying to, my training i held back on, and just used physical standards, but i had too much rage, its like i wanted to see people bleed, i’d been around the world helping animals, trained as an assassin, trained by seals, educated by scholars, there are good sects in this world when you’re facing incredible circumstnces, as well as bad sects like terrorists or satanists, and they caught wind and found my mom as she had sought something like them too, onlhy a few people know about this, after the rotc, i went to the air force for a few months, then leaped to the seals and i’ve been putting away badguys, and hopping back to the states for my character andn presence ever since, i’m a honed tactician, i’m beyond liam neeson, i’m a good person, i have compassion for everyone, but i have a screw loose, and i need love, and i’ll never find it, i’m calmed now and ptsd of wartime endevours you just get used to, compared to childhood traumas, i’m retired, vocalization and protest is what changes laws and leading by example helps animals in the world, i just need someone to spend my life with now, i had a good girl once, who was teetering on the side of cdraziness, enough crazy and cool to put up with me, but she was taken by this horrible world, i needed saved and she abandoned me, her best friend, i’m looking for someone new to come into my life and not be so fussy and close minded,k i’m still just a child needing affection, someone save me ......i'm the funniest person probably in the world in person, but i've gotten shy and reclusive the last decade, from my loved ones dissected and murdered in hospitals, to love stricken from me like a lightening bolt, i used to love dancing in clubs/weddings with any hot girl, but i could never dance again having lived the shit i've went through with my ex slowing metamorphasizing into a prostitute, and it began from the attention she got from me taking her out to clubs and being mixed in an elite environment and dancing with her making her feel a little bit too great to the point she needed to have that drug 24/7, so she slowly went out and forged it, dancing is the work of the devil i know see, its like that george michael song 'i'm never gonna dance again' love just gets taken from you and you become a bitter person because of it, i'm still funny, but it has to be the right setting, i have to be feeling good or buzzed or have a fleeting bliss of happiness, i can get really fucking dark sometimes to the point its scary, you mix i've been an eliete in sports amongst other things in my life, alongside my talented writing that's grosser and more depicting and original than anything clive or king could right, and you'll have a formula of fear, i mean one story i killed god himself, its on my fb in my notes titled 'the after', i've cursed god for the last couple decades of my life, not because i'm an atheiest or don't believe in a god entirely, but because if there was one, i figured he was absolute evil, like a parent abandoning children in a dingy motel or something, forced to fend for themselves because they don't know better, i have many thoughts on god but i'm a philosopher too, so that's a topic that can go on forever, for the most part, i vent, i'm fuming mad, but i'm the most passive human being you'll ever known, and the people beating upon me in life can attest to it, you see those vines or gifs with cats beating the shit out of large enormous strong dogs? well that's me, no matter what i'll never bite, i just seem to bark alot because i'm lonely, and still so heartbroken, i've never filled in that gap of a 'friend' or a 'fuckpal' or a partner in my life since my breakup, i'm not doing it right, like everyone else copes, i don't deal with death the same either, i'm careless to it and am enlightened to not get attached anymore, to anything, seeing dozens of my family put in the ground, it just takes a toll of carelessness, its something i don't want to deal with anymore, my cat was the height of all the bad in my life, a year ago my sister allowed this prostitute that was living next to me in my room to throw a fuckparty in the entire house, and my cat kidiot got outside, and this was when i was tossed out of that drughouse for not reason on top of it by the very multiple cops that were banging my sister, someone i cared about, and my cat kidiot who i've had a decade, got trapped and starved to death in a hot shed, just a glimpse at the kind of shit i have to go through ad cry over in my life, and its not because i'm a bad person, and its not from strangers, its from people closest to me, its always like that for me and i'm uncertain why........15 of my short films are pretty good, but maybe i'm just being modest and don't determine my worth properly,you'd have to type 'andyp's short films' to see some on multiple accounts, i'm always deleted, a rebel on youtube, i have a hellraiser script at hellraisernightshines.yolasite.com, another tumblr at clivedavinciromance ............ i was entering a finished 3rd horror feature into sundance but its incomplete, i made it by myself in a empty building when i was homeless, its under 'sundancers andyp's' on youtube, the 2nd part is the best, my 1st two features were generic slashers and don't count as serious, i'm finishing up another book, a fantasy novel i think will be bigger than harry potter...i WILL become larger than stephen king, and you wonder why i choose such a high totum to climb other than a smaller horror writer? well its because i've finished libraries of writing, novels and shorts, all the decades i've been alone and sad in a dark room as an introvert, what is dormant, and what is almost accomplished is more thatn king, almost, i need a few green miles and stand by me's first, and then i need a few other stories and books and i will have achieved more elaborate words than star wars or marvel combined, i just have to get them seen is all, tha'ts the hard/easy part......i hang out with my gay friends in portage, they're all i have in my life, my mexican bestie is leaving ot vegas, i don't have any other real friends, and no family left, i'm just all alone in the world, i drive a stupid car i spraypainted purple, i act like a retard because i want to filter through phony uptight people, i want a real cool, good girl, who doesn't fuck everyone like everyone in society does, i want a lover and rebel and fighter, not someone who's ordinary like my ex who breaks hearts and breaks herself off pieces of dick at any whim, i haven't kissed a girl in over 2 years. I'm not a sleazeball, i've only had 3serious long relationships, that means i've only had sex with 3 people, no additional fingerbangs or buttfuckings, maybe i kissed ten more girls, but that's it. I say heartfelt poems or perversion after almost every pic i reblog, so the history of my tumblr is quite a reading adventure. I'm a horror writer, here is a link to my newest collection of stories http://www.lulu.com/shop/andrew-patton/reflections-in-the-dark/paperback/product-20340079.html I'm an animal activist.gay rights activist, civil rights activist and women's rights activist, BUT I differ in opinion about bisexuals, not for them personally, but from my own experiences of people being able to fuck how many people they want without consquence to character, the last time i checked if someone was unsure if they liked women or men more they weren't tasting all those crotches, they went about their business and didn't need a stamp that i feel is an equivalent to yelling 'hey i'm in bars fucking this guy, fucking that guy and i don't give a fuck', well that's fine, live how you want, but in your abundances of pussy/dick and indecision, i'm all alone, and i'd be humbled to just hold and love ONE PERSON, and that's were the idea of the 'title' not the 'person' bisexual comes into conflict with me, its saying 'i'm samantha from sex and the city and slopping up weiners and hot snatches left and right, so fuck you', i don't hate anyone, i'm understanding of nearly anything, i try my hardest to dissuade violence or hate in any way i can, i just think the terminology used to describe someone as a bisexual is just for show, if they don't know if they love and man or woman, who's to say they even love men or women? but their travels and undertakings of trying to find that out are being stamped and revealed for all the world to know about, and i don't dislike it, i just think its as tacky as me posting my boner videos in my underwear is all, its sleazy to your eyes, but you don't understand me right, like i woudn't understand you? in such perversion there is actual sweetness in me and reasons i do this crazy shit, bisexuals and their silly title which is basically just saying you're a hippi is just offputing to some, like me who had a girl i loved who became bisexual, yet all she's doing is fucking people for money, and i bet alot of people have sex and not for love and in doing that i'd never wanna be stamped with something, in a broad sense sure, but me, i'm an individual and i'm kind and good and accepting of all of you and love all of you so what the fuck matters our personal bickerings ya know?....... stupid groups of people like most feminists, most of what p.e.t.a does, truth anti smoking commercials, etc, bother me, because these consist mainly of spoiled brats not really doing anything, having a campus activity n shit, not empassioned deeper, not being in any form of fight, just a lap of luxery, forcing their beliefs or ways of life on you even if they are the most insane selfish things imagineable, i think i used to be bitter about hipsters too, just anyone who is phony as fuck, hell it could even be described as a rare unicorn of a girl i liked, doesn't matter, superficiality annoys me more than anything......... like i actually argue with people who do gangbangs and have swinger parties, could they honestly justify that disgusting shit to me, do it on your own time and leave me out of your sexcapades, seeing those depictions in 'bruno' or something, or me personally jacking off to threesomes n shit in porn is one thing but if you're gonna come on my page and bitch and moan i think that's 'sleazy' since it doesn't invovle TWO people, but instead involves multiple people, then you're just dumb,.............. i'm the most fucked up person alive, stranger by far of any human alive, i have an imaginative mind but i also have social skills, i know what its like being lonesome its why i hate when people just fuck tons of others, they spit at something i wish i had, they are gluttonous. My idols are Clive Barker, i made my art collection entirely out of scratch but i had him in mind to impress him, and i also made a book of short stories like his books of blood, i'm very similar to him, a huge fan, but it wasn't on purpose, its weird, its liked he fucked my mom in the 70's before he went gay or something, Stephen King, Kenny Hotz, Wayne Pacelle of the hspca, and others, even steve o and tom green. i'm the poorest person i know, yet i give my singles to bums, i'm selfless, i'm lazy, but when i have ambition like someone helping me, i'll create milestones. i make all my videos mostly in this loft at my moms house, i'm stuck here until my federal probation is up, not like i'll go anywhere else unless i get mental disability, i have no drive in life for average shit, i'm a creator, not an assembly line worker, i don't need the shit that money can buy, i'd never go to disneyland again even if someone bought me a package cause i think its extravagent and there are kids that will never see that place, i'd let them go in my place. i dislike snooty superficial people who act like they are better than you and are mean and bully and act like they're cool, when really they are fucking ignorant whiny brats in college or some shit trying to find their identities; they are jackoffs. so beware if you get offended by something i say, which is almost always a joke, cause i'll outdebate you and i'm VERY mean to bullies who get used to being tools in their normal lives with normal people, cause i'm not normal, i'm elite, cream of the crop, super large penis machoman, and i'm wittier, funnier and fucking the coolest fuck you'll ever know period, so bitches on their periods stand no chance either. My trolling book is blowing up, its sold 43 copies now, i've made it cheaper, black & white, so i'm making money now, DON'T USE CREATESPACE they are not creative friendly. you can find my large magazine type trolling book here.. http://www.lulu.com/shop/andrew-patton/trolling-101/paperback/product-20324152.html I've been raised by women without a father, i'm very feminine but strong, so don't turn me into an angry woman that will tell you off, but it takes alot to even get me mad, it just may seem i'm mad cause i'm pretty creative and outspoken, but really, i just laugh at your insults and bullying and i destroy anything you shit out with my verbal reckonings. I don't think i'm better than anyone, i'm kind to everyone, and that's what opens my mouth in the first place, is people attacking me or trying to bully me, it reminds me of how they could be doing it do someone else, like a gay kid, a black person, a woman, and it pisses me off. scene kids are the worst, almost like nazis cause they are a form of upper rich caste system that thinks they're better and they get snobby and uptight and its fucking annoying. I'm faithful,, sometimes romantic, sometimes funny genuine human. I dob not have anything in common with humans, I feel I'm more intelligent and its a burden being in a way, an ugly duckling. But I relate to morons too, because I am a stupid moron sometimes, I'm silly like that. next month i will have seen 10 psychiatrists in my life yet there's nothing even wrong with me.I'm the kind of person who would volunteer his head to a row of nazis so that others may live, i'm selfless. I'm also the kind of person who would be the ONLY one to stand up and risk not being hidden anymore, risk being killed by those nazis just to stand up to them. I'm a leader. I've led 100 of the world's worst maniacs in a jail cell for a year, I was on the back of a 7ft nigerian man preventing him from killing someone, I was a good person in a bad place, like jesus walking this shitty earth. Upon an apoclypse in 2012 i can lead the world to peace. i'm also the kind of person that is a fighter, i can be on my bloody knees before a dozen nazis and slice all their throats in moments before they know what's happening. I've only been with 3 girls, all long relationships and am still looking for my true soul mate on this planet, I've scavenged billions of galaxies looking and my search has ended here. You're here somewhere, I sense you. My ex got me put in jail to become a pornstar? She sent a threat to Kevin Spacey's website. The fuckers stole my movie 'The Thing' but made it shitty, read my synopsis or script at thethingfromanotherworld.webs.com. 2nd time feds kicked in my door, guns blazing, I told them my gf had shaved a penis in my chest hair, which she really did the night before, they looked and laughed and withdrew their guns out of our faces, I basically saved that crazy ex ponrstar, tattood bitch's life with my wittiness and her stupid art project she did on me when she was bored. Plus, having a lifesize darth maul figurine at the foot of my bed didn't really solidify to these saps I was a real serial murderer. I'm a handyman and can do just about anything, I'm currently building a movie set for my next silly video. I type 100 words a minute. I'm great with my mind, hands and dignity and I apply those things to women. I'm the most compassionate person alive or who has ever lived. I'm a registered rehabber wih the D.N.R. of Indiana. I"m incredible in all sports. I love spending time with someone I love watching movies and going out to eat, just waiting on that right girl. I have a bachelor's in English, and an associates from Minneapolis in Art instruction, but I'm happy with being a loser, being poor and having no future, I'm just trying to manage every day on this shitty planet, being a very lonely wise thing. I've been to California a dozen times in the last 2 years and not for vacation or my own accord (long story). I'm VERY down to earth and give great advice. If I could go to Chipotle daily I would, but I have no girl in my life, no significant other, no waddling penguin, no friend to hold my hand. i do like a girl alot, but i realize how fucked up i am, sometimes i don't even want to get out of bed, i'd need her to understand what its like to be lonesome and depressed, i really miss holding someone. we're all doomed to die, it sucks, i'm just trying to make my life as comfortable as possible with the little means i have, hopefully they'll put me on mental disability and i can continue my writing without having to work shit jobs to make ends meet, or save for a date with a girl and it never happens anyways go to a few of my sites myspace.com/andyp6 or Andy's Facebook link is below, its facebook.com/boathopper i have a new myspace account but rarely use it

[spatialapprentice]

Hey poopy, I'm Andy Patton of the East Chicago harbor in Indiana, before reading about my indiana jones lifestyle, have a go at tetris which is about to load, make a high score, and use my page just like your personal black and white gameboy, and relax with me like i'm your lazyboy barcalounger!! Get Adobe Flash player Source: Crazy Games ........... I got a pell grant for film school because i'm poor and might choose Chicago University this fall or winter. i'm single baby!!! But not in the sense where i'm fucking other people n shit, its been 6yrs not being with a woman, I've had 8 dates since jail and got to kiss and hug a girl but that was years ago, I miss human touch, i'm scarred from heartbreak but also i don't succumb to lonesomeness and have someone beside me for the time being as a renter to my heart, i seek love and not fingerbangs, i'm a novelist of dozens of books (details in my publshed folder on my facebook .com/boathopper page, add me)..... I have 1,000+ short films, 3 films, one of them i killed 80 actors in, its called 'the tenderizer' and it had a zero budget which raked in a few grand of clothing/vhs tape sales.....i have a fantasy novel that can be read in its entirety for free at http://shakeyquakeyridenovel.blogspot.com/ and it could be bigger than harry potter but nobody reads anymore.... and i have another book you can read for free at http://platdnovel.blogspot.com/ ........... i had a script in hollywood bounced around called boathopper which is science fiction about a monster slamming into our oceans, but the serial killer described in it is identical and predates the 'dexter' book and show, and yes its copywritten just like the rest of my sampled work, stephen king even samples me, and i've overtaken him in quantity as well in my opinion as quality, i'm to the point and don't drag on bullshit fluff for too long, to see more about the dexter narrative and incredible journey your detections could take just youtube 'andyp's arduous travels of an unrenound serial killer'. my body is caked and dented in scars, lacerations and holes because i'm a good person, a strong person, doing good things in a horrible place, this earth, but i'm retired and yet i haven't even begun, i'm the type of person that's been all over the world killing warlords and thousands of the cruelest people known to exist, so the mysteriousness is lain in this, am i a serial killer? or just a shadow operative navy seal?........ i've had troll blogs devote themselves to me before, but here's one that's the most recent, i love my haters suhn https://kiwifar.ms/threads/andy-patton-aka-clivedavinci-loveshy-filmmaker-who-is-apparently-the-true-creator-of-dexter.11274/ ........i really am a mass murderer, my reins controlled by the police, and knowledge of me by other precincts one by one, year by year, being like an internal affairs of hitmen for them, to the most redtape entanglements that bother each depeartment, all secret, commissioned by a government program later, and then after my r.o.t.c i took out of highschol, where i aimed high towards the air force the seals nabbed me out of the air force, my intellect and my physical attributes is extremely rare, i could’ve easily gotten a wrestling scholarship to purdue after i had a walk on match with a dude from iowa and slammed his huge cornfed ass to the mat so hard he got hurt, i realized i can’t be invovled in regular heights of the elite, i couldn’t go backwards from what i had became, since i was a boy i’ve been in china in training programs, i honestly led a life just like d.a.r.y.l the movie, exept i wasn’t a robot, even figuratively in the sense of a sociopathic mindless servant or psycho, i was bombarded by compassionate teachings, my mother a police officer the leadrope to all of this, allowing this, she’s caught serial killers and crimelords, and one time it backfired, horrible men came and abducted me, and tortured me, they bordered on white supremecy and satanists, my mom didn’t find me that long month, the police didn’t find me, this was even in a newspaper, but all knowledge of this ever happening has been redacted and destroyed, nobody could find me, i was 6yrs old, three powerful men sexualy abused me, physically burned me, broke my bones, my rectum had been split open, i was beaten purple with my eyes swollen every couple days when i started to heal, where they would bust me up again, nobody knew where i was, on one of the most high profile cases my mom ever took, she did come to rescue me with the murderers in the house still there, in their total ignorance of evil and what they can get away with, with a young innocent boy, they left their knife that they cut me with on the mattress 3 seconds too long, and i turned into chucky, i snapped, i had absolutely no fear, i didn’t wanna run out of a door, blood pooled all over the floor, it was always my blood, seeing your reflection in your own pool of blood as you cry for help night after night as you lay to try to get comfy to sleep which you can’t becuase you’re bruised all over, does something to someone, something snaps, like how a virgin’s skin does when a scumbag pops their cherry, i became chucky, i had developed tactical defense, and didn’t keep stabbing one of them, i sliced one of them down crying, then hid and waited for the next and sliced him, and i waited many hours in the house, not leaving, not picking up the phone yet, waiting for the other to arrive, in the dark i came at him, where he had no time to react, i climbed and took the bulbs out, and easily made my way to get him too before he saw the scene int he bedroom, i sliced away his achilles as i jutted out behind a couch, those long hours before he came and met his demise, i’d played, like a child with toys, but i played with my knife, a memento i still have, a murder weapon of the most grotesque, i stabbed at every part of their skin, i even kept one of them alive, and took out each of his eyes andn let him squirm around, something inside me took over, and it was GOOD as much as it had been horrible, it must’ve been something put there by god and vengence, and i finally called my mom and we talked on the phone, booking had listened in, her friends, i explained but they were confused, i told them they were still in the house with me and they can come over,i couldn’t talk properly, i hadn’t really known what i’d done, it was like i was possessed, i blubbered crying on the phone just hearing her voice, she was the first one to the scene, there were other cops that came later, which contradicted a way out for me that she would have to face, her son, which the world woudln’t wanna face, and instituionalize me for, those cops got fired for something she had to fenagle, it was her son, or them, you’re forgetting that i was a murderer, although 6, doesn’t matter, all the murderers were stilll in the house, but they were all dead, and cut to pieces, and it took my mom probaby 10 full minutes to unclench my hand around my knife, and dthat was only because i allowed it, because we came to a truce where she’d let me keep it, it was a part of me now, it saved me, it helped me, it was my friend, yes i wrote a novel predating dexter called boathopper where its science fiction, but the myth of a dexter like child in blood had been passed around precincts long before that, it was covered up but there’s always trace gossip, it became a legend, i’ve worked in moscow with putin, i’ve been taught by spies, everytime i’m pulled over the cops freak out becuaase my rapsheet is so long, and that’s just in america, but i’m always a victim or witness, i’m always acting and protecting people, never a bad person, just misunderstood, all the cops protect me, all the agents, the stint i did in calif was my exes doing, i remember traveling ALOT, missing alot of school, but always coming back, pretending to be in school, hanging out with my friends, iwas bombarded by animals, i loved animals, i wasn’t a maniac to ever hurt one no matter my blood rage, but i was taken to villages a round the world to share love with good people and experiences, and to always train, and to even kill, i needed to kill, a lifetime of killing, decades of it, thousands of horriblly evil people around the world, especially china, india and the middleeast before soldiers ever got there, was my purpose in life, i could chameleon into any cell, or group, i was invisible and innocent, and with training i was a weapon, all my education when to combat and stealth and learning many languages, and i served my agency proud, and when i tried to resume a regular life i couldn’t, i was hurting people in sports, not really trying to, my training i held back on, and just used physical standards, but i had too much rage, its like i wanted to see people bleed, i’d been around the world helping animals, trained as an assassin, trained by seals, educated by scholars, there are good sects in this world when you’re facing incredible circumstnces, as well as bad sects like terrorists or satanists, and they caught wind and found my mom as she had sought something like them too, onlhy a few people know about this, after the rotc, i went to the air force for a few months, then leaped to the seals and i’ve been putting away badguys, and hopping back to the states for my character andn presence ever since, i’m a honed tactician, i’m beyond liam neeson, i’m a good person, i have compassion for everyone, but i have a screw loose, and i need love, and i’ll never find it, i’m calmed now and ptsd of wartime endevours you just get used to, compared to childhood traumas, i’m retired, vocalization and protest is what changes laws and leading by example helps animals in the world, i just need someone to spend my life with now, i had a good girl once, who was teetering on the side of cdraziness, enough crazy and cool to put up with me, but she was taken by this horrible world, i needed saved and she abandoned me, her best friend, i’m looking for someone new to come into my life and not be so fussy and close minded,k i’m still just a child needing affection, someone save me ......i'm the funniest person probably in the world in person, but i've gotten shy and reclusive the last decade, from my loved ones dissected and murdered in hospitals, to love stricken from me like a lightening bolt, i used to love dancing in clubs/weddings with any hot girl, but i could never dance again having lived the shit i've went through with my ex slowing metamorphasizing into a prostitute, and it began from the attention she got from me taking her out to clubs and being mixed in an elite environment and dancing with her making her feel a little bit too great to the point she needed to have that drug 24/7, so she slowly went out and forged it, dancing is the work of the devil i know see, its like that george michael song 'i'm never gonna dance again' love just gets taken from you and you become a bitter person because of it, i'm still funny, but it has to be the right setting, i have to be feeling good or buzzed or have a fleeting bliss of happiness, i can get really fucking dark sometimes to the point its scary, you mix i've been an eliete in sports amongst other things in my life, alongside my talented writing that's grosser and more depicting and original than anything clive or king could right, and you'll have a formula of fear, i mean one story i killed god himself, its on my fb in my notes titled 'the after', i've cursed god for the last couple decades of my life, not because i'm an atheiest or don't believe in a god entirely, but because if there was one, i figured he was absolute evil, like a parent abandoning children in a dingy motel or something, forced to fend for themselves because they don't know better, i have many thoughts on god but i'm a philosopher too, so that's a topic that can go on forever, for the most part, i vent, i'm fuming mad, but i'm the most passive human being you'll ever known, and the people beating upon me in life can attest to it, you see those vines or gifs with cats beating the shit out of large enormous strong dogs? well that's me, no matter what i'll never bite, i just seem to bark alot because i'm lonely, and still so heartbroken, i've never filled in that gap of a 'friend' or a 'fuckpal' or a partner in my life since my breakup, i'm not doing it right, like everyone else copes, i don't deal with death the same either, i'm careless to it and am enlightened to not get attached anymore, to anything, seeing dozens of my family put in the ground, it just takes a toll of carelessness, its something i don't want to deal with anymore, my cat was the height of all the bad in my life, a year ago my sister allowed this prostitute that was living next to me in my room to throw a fuckparty in the entire house, and my cat kidiot got outside, and this was when i was tossed out of that drughouse for not reason on top of it by the very multiple cops that were banging my sister, someone i cared about, and my cat kidiot who i've had a decade, got trapped and starved to death in a hot shed, just a glimpse at the kind of shit i have to go through ad cry over in my life, and its not because i'm a bad person, and its not from strangers, its from people closest to me, its always like that for me and i'm uncertain why........15 of my short films are pretty good, but maybe i'm just being modest and don't determine my worth properly,you'd have to type 'andyp's short films' to see some on multiple accounts, i'm always deleted, a rebel on youtube, i have a hellraiser script at hellraisernightshines.yolasite.com, another tumblr at clivedavinciromance ............ i was entering a finished 3rd horror feature into sundance but its incomplete, i made it by myself in a empty building when i was homeless, its under 'sundancers andyp's' on youtube, the 2nd part is the best, my 1st two features were generic slashers and don't count as serious, i'm finishing up another book, a fantasy novel i think will be bigger than harry potter...i WILL become larger than stephen king, and you wonder why i choose such a high totum to climb other than a smaller horror writer? well its because i've finished libraries of writing, novels and shorts, all the decades i've been alone and sad in a dark room as an introvert, what is dormant, and what is almost accomplished is more thatn king, almost, i need a few green miles and stand by me's first, and then i need a few other stories and books and i will have achieved more elaborate words than star wars or marvel combined, i just have to get them seen is all, tha'ts the hard/easy part......i hang out with my gay friends in portage, they're all i have in my life, my mexican bestie is leaving ot vegas, i don't have any other real friends, and no family left, i'm just all alone in the world, i drive a stupid car i spraypainted purple, i act like a retard because i want to filter through phony uptight people, i want a real cool, good girl, who doesn't fuck everyone like everyone in society does, i want a lover and rebel and fighter, not someone who's ordinary like my ex who breaks hearts and breaks herself off pieces of dick at any whim, i haven't kissed a girl in over 2 years. I'm not a sleazeball, i've only had 3serious long relationships, that means i've only had sex with 3 people, no additional fingerbangs or buttfuckings, maybe i kissed ten more girls, but that's it. I say heartfelt poems or perversion after almost every pic i reblog, so the history of my tumblr is quite a reading adventure. I'm a horror writer, here is a link to my newest collection of stories http://www.lulu.com/shop/andrew-patton/reflections-in-the-dark/paperback/product-20340079.html I'm an animal activist.gay rights activist, civil rights activist and women's rights activist, BUT I differ in opinion about bisexuals, not for them personally, but from my own experiences of people being able to fuck how many people they want without consquence to character, the last time i checked if someone was unsure if they liked women or men more they weren't tasting all those crotches, they went about their business and didn't need a stamp that i feel is an equivalent to yelling 'hey i'm in bars fucking this guy, fucking that guy and i don't give a fuck', well that's fine, live how you want, but in your abundances of pussy/dick and indecision, i'm all alone, and i'd be humbled to just hold and love ONE PERSON, and that's were the idea of the 'title' not the 'person' bisexual comes into conflict with me, its saying 'i'm samantha from sex and the city and slopping up weiners and hot snatches left and right, so fuck you', i don't hate anyone, i'm understanding of nearly anything, i try my hardest to dissuade violence or hate in any way i can, i just think the terminology used to describe someone as a bisexual is just for show, if they don't know if they love and man or woman, who's to say they even love men or women? but their travels and undertakings of trying to find that out are being stamped and revealed for all the world to know about, and i don't dislike it, i just think its as tacky as me posting my boner videos in my underwear is all, its sleazy to your eyes, but you don't understand me right, like i woudn't understand you? in such perversion there is actual sweetness in me and reasons i do this crazy shit, bisexuals and their silly title which is basically just saying you're a hippi is just offputing to some, like me who had a girl i loved who became bisexual, yet all she's doing is fucking people for money, and i bet alot of people have sex and not for love and in doing that i'd never wanna be stamped with something, in a broad sense sure, but me, i'm an individual and i'm kind and good and accepting of all of you and love all of you so what the fuck matters our personal bickerings ya know?....... stupid groups of people like most feminists, most of what p.e.t.a does, truth anti smoking commercials, etc, bother me, because these consist mainly of spoiled brats not really doing anything, having a campus activity n shit, not empassioned deeper, not being in any form of fight, just a lap of luxery, forcing their beliefs or ways of life on you even if they are the most insane selfish things imagineable, i think i used to be bitter about hipsters too, just anyone who is phony as fuck, hell it could even be described as a rare unicorn of a girl i liked, doesn't matter, superficiality annoys me more than anything......... like i actually argue with people who do gangbangs and have swinger parties, could they honestly justify that disgusting shit to me, do it on your own time and leave me out of your sexcapades, seeing those depictions in 'bruno' or something, or me personally jacking off to threesomes n shit in porn is one thing but if you're gonna come on my page and bitch and moan i think that's 'sleazy' since it doesn't invovle TWO people, but instead involves multiple people, then you're just dumb,.............. i'm the most fucked up person alive, stranger by far of any human alive, i have an imaginative mind but i also have social skills, i know what its like being lonesome its why i hate when people just fuck tons of others, they spit at something i wish i had, they are gluttonous. My idols are Clive Barker, i made my art collection entirely out of scratch but i had him in mind to impress him, and i also made a book of short stories like his books of blood, i'm very similar to him, a huge fan, but it wasn't on purpose, its weird, its liked he fucked my mom in the 70's before he went gay or something, Stephen King, Kenny Hotz, Wayne Pacelle of the hspca, and others, even steve o and tom green. i'm the poorest person i know, yet i give my singles to bums, i'm selfless, i'm lazy, but when i have ambition like someone helping me, i'll create milestones. i make all my videos mostly in this loft at my moms house, i'm stuck here until my federal probation is up, not like i'll go anywhere else unless i get mental disability, i have no drive in life for average shit, i'm a creator, not an assembly line worker, i don't need the shit that money can buy, i'd never go to disneyland again even if someone bought me a package cause i think its extravagent and there are kids that will never see that place, i'd let them go in my place. i dislike snooty superficial people who act like they are better than you and are mean and bully and act like they're cool, when really they are fucking ignorant whiny brats in college or some shit trying to find their identities; they are jackoffs. so beware if you get offended by something i say, which is almost always a joke, cause i'll outdebate you and i'm VERY mean to bullies who get used to being tools in their normal lives with normal people, cause i'm not normal, i'm elite, cream of the crop, super large penis machoman, and i'm wittier, funnier and fucking the coolest fuck you'll ever know period, so bitches on their periods stand no chance either. My trolling book is blowing up, its sold 43 copies now, i've made it cheaper, black & white, so i'm making money now, DON'T USE CREATESPACE they are not creative friendly. you can find my large magazine type trolling book here.. http://www.lulu.com/shop/andrew-patton/trolling-101/paperback/product-20324152.html I've been raised by women without a father, i'm very feminine but strong, so don't turn me into an angry woman that will tell you off, but it takes alot to even get me mad, it just may seem i'm mad cause i'm pretty creative and outspoken, but really, i just laugh at your insults and bullying and i destroy anything you shit out with my verbal reckonings. I don't think i'm better than anyone, i'm kind to everyone, and that's what opens my mouth in the first place, is people attacking me or trying to bully me, it reminds me of how they could be doing it do someone else, like a gay kid, a black person, a woman, and it pisses me off. scene kids are the worst, almost like nazis cause they are a form of upper rich caste system that thinks they're better and they get snobby and uptight and its fucking annoying. I'm faithful,, sometimes romantic, sometimes funny genuine human. I dob not have anything in common with humans, I feel I'm more intelligent and its a burden being in a way, an ugly duckling. But I relate to morons too, because I am a stupid moron sometimes, I'm silly like that. next month i will have seen 10 psychiatrists in my life yet there's nothing even wrong with me.I'm the kind of person who would volunteer his head to a row of nazis so that others may live, i'm selfless. I'm also the kind of person who would be the ONLY one to stand up and risk not being hidden anymore, risk being killed by those nazis just to stand up to them. I'm a leader. I've led 100 of the world's worst maniacs in a jail cell for a year, I was on the back of a 7ft nigerian man preventing him from killing someone, I was a good person in a bad place, like jesus walking this shitty earth. Upon an apoclypse in 2012 i can lead the world to peace. i'm also the kind of person that is a fighter, i can be on my bloody knees before a dozen nazis and slice all their throats in moments before they know what's happening. I've only been with 3 girls, all long relationships and am still looking for my true soul mate on this planet, I've scavenged billions of galaxies looking and my search has ended here. You're here somewhere, I sense you. My ex got me put in jail to become a pornstar? She sent a threat to Kevin Spacey's website. The fuckers stole my movie 'The Thing' but made it shitty, read my synopsis or script at thethingfromanotherworld.webs.com. 2nd time feds kicked in my door, guns blazing, I told them my gf had shaved a penis in my chest hair, which she really did the night before, they looked and laughed and withdrew their guns out of our faces, I basically saved that crazy ex ponrstar, tattood bitch's life with my wittiness and her stupid art project she did on me when she was bored. Plus, having a lifesize darth maul figurine at the foot of my bed didn't really solidify to these saps I was a real serial murderer. I'm a handyman and can do just about anything, I'm currently building a movie set for my next silly video. I type 100 words a minute. I'm great with my mind, hands and dignity and I apply those things to women. I'm the most compassionate person alive or who has ever lived. I'm a registered rehabber wih the D.N.R. of Indiana. I"m incredible in all sports. I love spending time with someone I love watching movies and going out to eat, just waiting on that right girl. I have a bachelor's in English, and an associates from Minneapolis in Art instruction, but I'm happy with being a loser, being poor and having no future, I'm just trying to manage every day on this shitty planet, being a very lonely wise thing. I've been to California a dozen times in the last 2 years and not for vacation or my own accord (long story). I'm VERY down to earth and give great advice. If I could go to Chipotle daily I would, but I have no girl in my life, no significant other, no waddling penguin, no friend to hold my hand. i do like a girl alot, but i realize how fucked up i am, sometimes i don't even want to get out of bed, i'd need her to understand what its like to be lonesome and depressed, i really miss holding someone. we're all doomed to die, it sucks, i'm just trying to make my life as comfortable as possible with the little means i have, hopefully they'll put me on mental disability and i can continue my writing without having to work shit jobs to make ends meet, or save for a date with a girl and it never happens anyways go to a few of my sites myspace.com/andyp6 or Andy's Facebook link is below, its facebook.com/boathopper i have a new myspace account but rarely use it

[dixie-diamonds]

The (non) Fridging of one Ms. Emma Frost.

For our initial offering, dear followers, we bring you our thoughts on the sad, tragic, and sadly unnecessary, fate of one Ms. Emma Frost at the end of the sordid, editorially driven to the ground, non-event Inhumans vs. X-Men.  

We wanted to get some distance from the events of this installment before putting down our thoughts to keyboard about…well there’s really no better way to say it…the character rape-ification that happened to Emma on IvX # 6.  So now a few days later. I think our thoughts have settled.  

One of the most awful truisms in life is the notion of having to take one’s own advice.  It sucks.  Particularly when it comes to comics.  We’re usually the one to tell folks, right after their favorite characters get nuked because some writer thinks awful writing choices means ‘genius’ or something, that one of the only constants in our hobby/culture/life is the constancy of change.  Status quos last only rarely and even something seemingly permanent can be rebirthed, rebooted, forgiven, recast, retconned, whatever.  That’s a long winded way of saying that…even though things are bleak at the moment, to quote Avenue Q, ‘this is only for now’.  We know it’s small, fleeting comfort fellow Emma fans.  We feel you.  But…it’s the only silver lining we can see emerging from this hot mess of a fucked up sitch we’re in right now. It’s hard to swallow.  We find it difficult to accept it at times still.  At the end of the day though, I think it’s also important to assess and realize that look, at the end of day, and as much as we all love her, she is just a fictional character.  Her status quo now, as awful as it is, hasn’t killed anyone (as far as I know) or made the Trump regime even worse (again as far as I know).  So we’re ok.  

So now that the table-setting is out of the way…let’s get on with the nitty gritty.  We’re not gonna summarize the plot of IvX, as that’s available plenty of other places.  And if you’ve read the story…well you know.

We’re not unhappy about Emma’s reversion to an out and out villain.  Honestly, after the events of Death of X and the earlier installments of IvX, any other kind of conclusion, or hell even having her returned to the X-Fold wouldn’t make much story sense.  Lemire and Soule have laid down enough story real estate that having it end any other way than that would just be silly or horribly contrived.  And you know what? That’s fine.  That’s totally fine.  Why not? It might even be interesting.  What would an anti-hero Emma, skirting on the darker sides of the gray lines she already inhabits, look like? What would an Emma-ized notion of Magneto’s previous ideology look like?  Would that even be her motivation?  Or would it just be (and to us far more interesting plot-wise and commentary wise on the X-franchise as a whole) more of Emma finally saying ‘FUCK IT’ to all the endless thumb-twiddling the X-folks have been doing ever since Bendis took over?  Or hell, she can just go full on Black Cat and just be an international jewel thief coz she is so sick and done with the X-Men’s perennially regressive approach to things and the endless Uncle Tom-ing they all seem to be doing lately.  All of these options are cool to us and they would be interesting to read about.

But that isn’t what we got.  What we got instead is Emma literally assuming the identity of the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (also known as Cyclop’s secondary mutation, seriously man, you should check that, it is a serious condition), and without the wit or awesome musical numbers that you get from the CW show.  Her motivation for turning the heel is literally, and we wave our fist to the sky as we type this, ‘my boyfriend died and I’m nothing without him’.  A notion that Soule (and Lemire too? It isn’t clear which of these two editorial puppets came up with the notion, though most seem to argue that it’s Soule) ratchets up to a level beyond creepy when he has Emma don an outfit THAT LITERALLY IS HER PUTTING ON HER EX-BOYFRIENDS SKIN.  What in the fuckity fuck fuck fuck is this?  How/why does this make sense?  As many other fans (and non fans) have said…we are talking about a woman who a) watched many iterations of her students die b) survived the 9/11-ing of Genosha by Sentinels (more on that FUCKITY FUCK plot point in a little bit) c) killed her sister for killing one of her students d) lost her brother, whom she cared for deeply to insanity because of an abusive father e) literally started from the bottom to build up a massive financial empire.  We can go on.  The point is, in the grand scheme of traumas that Emma has experienced, losing Scott would probably just amount to a small paper cut.  The fact (that Soule and Lemire forgot about?) that she and Scott ALREADY BROKE UP BEFORE DEATH OF X makes the notion of this crazy, stupid love even more ridiculous. Also, remember, in her diamond form, she is supposed to feel nothing, NOTHING, now let’s go back to IvX and count how many times Emma assumes her diamond form... bored of counting already? This characterization of Emma as jilted lover, turned all the way up to level 100 gazillion, is just idiotic writing borne out of some editorial mandate. 

And look ok, fine, let’s make Emma unstable.  Sure, why not, we can go there too.  But seriously? You’re going to show that by having the woman who, when she got god-like Phoenix powers (which, by the way also maybe made her a little crazy?) MADE IT HER FIRST PRIORITY TO LITERALLY DESTROY EVERY SENTINEL ON THE PLANET.  How does this even fucking work?  If Emma is really all ID now and she’s gone off the rails, and is now doing whatever the fuck she wants…why in the hell would she want to create Sentinels?  It makes no sense….even if the aim was to show her instability.  It also lacks the kind of deeper, elegant hurt that she’s capable of and prefers to inflict.  This Sentinel shit is amateur fucking hour, and she is anything but.  See, for contrast, the way she handled Laura’s previous handler Kimura.  That wasn’t the kind of mustache twirling fuckery we got handed.  That was Emma going for the elegant kind of pain: one that’s long lasting and deliciously poetic.  If Emma is going to be a baddie, then that’s the kind of next level shit they need to show her being capable of, not this two-bit hysterical monologuing bullshit we got.  Cullenn Bunn has stated in a recent CBR X-Position that Ems will be playing a big role in X-Men Blue.  Now, we trust Bunn, he does good work, particularly with anti-heroes like Magneto and Sabretooth...perhaps he can salvage something from this horrible situation.  

Making Emma the big bad of ResurrXion, the next Magneto, now that Magneto is a hero (at least this week), is all fine and dandy. But do it well. Make it meaningful. It takes about 2 panels for her to kill hundreds of inhumans. Almost as a side note. Those panels are going to define her as a genocidal villain for the rest of her days, the same way Hank Pym has been defined by a single panel that was not even scripted.

Why is all this happening? Why did it have to happen this way?  Our completely unscientific (and admittedly conspiracy theory-leaning) argument is that it all has to do with nostalgia.  RessurXion seems to be banking on regressing everything back to the 90s…the time when the X-Men were walking around in tights, constantly playing baseball, and involved in 30 plus year subplots that don’t ever get resolved.  And look, there’s nothing wrong with that.  But, why does that shiny new reboot have to be bought and paid for by throwing both Cyclops and Emma under the bus?  Why does this have to come at the price of wiping away so much of  the compelling additions that the Scott/Emma era of the X-franchise created? The notion of mutants as a tribe, as one people; of mutants being an actual political minority that exists in the larger Marvel firmament; the notion of an X-character, who not only is a compelling, multi-layered female character, who doesn’t go for the usual liberal/assimilative platitudes the X-People usually spout.  Why does all this need to be wiped away?  Are the new writers just not good enough to create something that the nostalgic mouthbreathing focus groups want (and is this even a real demographic? Who exactly did this development please? Other than godawful Jean partisans and non-intelligent comic readers?) while being respectful of and keeping (mostly) intact the import of stories that have already been told.  The fact that what happened happened feels like a slap in the face to all the fans who are rightly asking these questions.

Secondly….we think this development also owes a lot to the kind of demographic Marvel is targeting, and the kind of female characters that that demographic is interested in reading and supporting.  That is, the kind of female character who is a modified distillation of the manic, pixie dreamgirl: spunky, ‘strong’, sexual (to a degree), feminist (to a degree, but also only in a very specific second wave kind of a way)  and of course have to be tumblrflower, Bleeding Cool and Mary Sue approved, lest the wrath of twitter be provoked.  I’m talking of characters like America Chavez, Kamala Khan, Kate Bishop and Carol Danvers.  Strong, feminist, etc. But, not threatening, not overtly sexual, not swagger-y, and god forbid, not sexual only for the sake of sex; they are the equivalent of Boy Bands in the 90′s and early 00′s, attractive, easy to sell, tame. Remember She-Hulk being a strong woman with a brilliant career, kicking ass and taking names, having sexual fantasies with fellow Avengers in the 90′s? well, that She-Hulk is also gone.  After Civil War 2, poor Jen is being written as a very mousey Millennial...who’s afraid of her own power and strength.  Seeing a pattern already?

 Emma, in our view, represents one of the last few fabulously written female characters that counters this second-wave feminist tendency in current comic writing/production of female characters.  She has an unproblematic relationship with sex for pleasure and she isn’t here to make you feel good about your goddamned feminist struggle or your sophomoric need for representation.  And for that, she had to be punished and made the bogeywoman of all the twitter warriors who insist that female characters be feminist-strong…but only in the way that they find palatable and ‘relatable’.  I’ve always been very aware that Marvel is a business (a point I belabor to anyone who thinks Marvel OWES them something)…and of course they have to go where the money is.  But, it doesn’t make this direction for Emma, or the character assassination she and we have endued, any more palatable.  

Which brings us full circle to the essay’s title.  She may still be alive, walking around the Marvel U in an outfit that can only be described as ‘too garish, even for pre-Joanne Lady Gaga’, but for all intents and purposes, Emma Frost has been fridged.  Not physically, and in a way this is even far more cruel to her fans.  They could have just taken her away from us cleanly, ending her story, not in the best of places, but at least it would have ended (for now) and we can go on, missing her, but at least with the comfort that it couldn’t get any worse.  But that isn’t what happened.  Instead, they took her away from us, one sordid, horribly mandated development at a time, until all that’s left is this ghoul-caricature of a character, walking around; sapped of all of her vitality and that je ne sais quoi that made her so unique, endlessly compelling, and the source of such pure comic joy.  That woman is long gone.  And what’s in her place now is just a zombie that Soule and Lemire should have just put out of her misery.  

It’s fine that Marvel needed an X-Men reboot.  Hell, in many ways as a fan, I might have welcome it with much more enthusiasm than my tepid ‘oh great I guess I’m obligated to read it’ feeling that I’m having right now.  If only, this shiny new future for the merry mutants didn’t have to bought with the merciless, cruel, and absolutely unnecessary, and far worse, character fridging of one Emma Frost.

At least, we’ll always have the trades fellow Emma fans.

Keep the faith.

We’re hanging on with you.   

[nh935]

Creepy America, Episode 9: On the Side of the Angels

Creepy America Episode 9 On the Side of the Angels Springdale, Arkansas

For the first time since writing these episode recollections, I don’t know where to begin.

I mean, where do you start with a group like Archangel? On the surface, they were extremely easy to understand. They were your generic g-men, your men in black, your typical shadow government. They came in after the scary thing happened, took away the evidence, threatened or killed the witnesses, and disappeared into the night. They rarely used their name because they rarely needed to; while you may not know what the scary men in suits wanted, everyone knows what they came here to do, and the fact that this archetype, the shadowy secret agent shrouded in mystery, is so ingrained into our cultural subconscious, only proves the length and depth of their reach.

But once you peel back that layer, you stumble into the true rabbit hole that is Archangel. They perpetrated that myth. They cultivated that image and purposefully spread it to force curiosity seekers to think twice before spreading their findings online, and they did this even as they deleted information about themselves and their true motives from public view. They liked to pretend that they knew everything, but there are gaps in their knowledge, creatures and anomalies that make even them shake their head and go “guess we’ll never know.” They liked to pretend that they controlled everything, yet in the face of entities such as Sam and Red Eyes, they became cowards, willing giving such creatures anything, up to and including human lives, just to make them go away. On some days, you came across the powerful, scary, invisible Archangel that could destroy your life with all the effort of a simple phone call. And on some days, you came across the scared old men throwing virgins into a volcano because, hey, the volcano hasn’t blown since we started doing this, so better play it safe, right?

If you want to know why you can’t understand Archangel, it’s because they don’t understand themselves.

It took me a long, long time to realize this, of course. It took me a while to realize that they weren’t even the people they claimed to be. And most of it had to do with how we found out about the group in the first place.

Say what you want about Archangel, but they sure know how to make an entrance.

***

Arkansas had been pretty boring. Not that either of us were complaining. Zoey’s insistence of publishing the episodes a few weeks after they were finished had given us a nice little cushion of time to rest on and, after Red Eyes, both of us felt we had earned a small break.

So for most of Arkansas, we put Creepy America on the back burner. No major feelers out for anything spooky. No research on urban legends or ghost stories. We still had “Faces of America” to work on, of course, but compared to our regular grind, this was practically a vacation for us.

It couldn’t last forever, though. By the time we got to Springdale, we only had one episode left for our cushion, which meant that it was time to get started again. And that meant reworking the itinerary.

“So I don’t think we have to modify it too much,” Zoey said. We were seated at a small booth at a truckstop diner (road trip tip: if you ever want to find the best diners, wait until you get to a place where two interstates intersect, like in Springdale; all the truckers end up there, so the restaurants end up having some fierce competition with each other). “I mean most of it’s intertwined with the ‘Faces’ itinerary, so no need to complicate things.”

“Mmm,” I said. I was scanning the restaurant, moving from face to face as my metal-splinted finger tap-tap-tapped away on the table.

Zoey opened her laptop and kept going. “We’ll get rid of all the ‘urban legend’ stops, obviously. But I think we should keep some of the bigger ones, like Amnityville. Might run into another ‘bunny man’ situation.”

My eyes rested on the cash register. A man in a navy blue business suit was there, talking to our waitress. He said something that made her laugh, then she pointed to our table.

I froze.

“But we do have some new leads! Had to sort out some crazies, of course, but someone in Mississippi was talking about a mirror, and there’s a supposed faith healer in Springfield..”

The man in the suit began walking over to our table. I gripped my knife in my good hand hard enough for it to hurt.

“...and another guy talking about UFOs over in a little town called Clovercreek. Now, I know that might sound crazy, but…”

“Zoey,” I interrupted.

She looked up. There, only a few feet away, was the suited man, smiling.

She raised an eyebrow. “Can I help you?”

“Is that your RV outside?” he asked.

“Yes. Is it in the way? We can move it.”

“Oh no, that’s not it. I saw the sign and…” he extended a hand. “Phil Powers. I’m a big fan of your show.”

“Oh! That’s… awesome!” Zoey said, eyes lighting up and taking his hand. “I’m Zoey, and that’s Liam.”

“I know. Saw your latest episode. All alone in that mall… egh! Creepy stuff!”

I managed a weak smile. “Thanks.”

“And that Hotel California episode… man, I got chills down my spine with the carpet moment.” He leaned in and lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “Just between you and me, how do you do it?”

“Well…” Zoey leaned in as well. “Just between you and me, it’s all real.”

For a moment, his eyes got wide. Then he broke into a smile. “Fair enough. Trade secrets, I suppose.”

“Phil!” an unseen voice called out from somewhere.

“Oops, gotta go.” He nodded to both of us and turned to leave. “Nice meeting you two!”

“And nice meeting you!” Zoey called after him. Once he had gone, she looked over to me. “At ease, killer. Nobody’s eyeballs need to be buttered today.”

I dropped the knife with a clatter and put my head in my hands. The noise was loud enough to cause a few people to look over.

Zoey’s face instantly changed from good-natured humor to concerned. “Holy crap, Liam. What’s wrong?”

Hands still shaking from adrenaline, I pulled out a piece of paper from my pocket and handed it to Zoey. She unfolded it and laid it on the table, displaying the large capital ‘A’ with wings Stevie Sims had handed to us at the Ritzman Hotel.

She sighed. “Liam…”

“This show is gaining popularity way faster than I though it would,” I stammered. “And… and the target on our backs is growing bigger every day and I still don’t know who these people are or how to stop them or when they’ll come after us.”

“That’s an awfully pessimistic view of Creepy America,” Zoey noted.

“But it’s the truth!” I insisted. “We’re being targeted, and I don’t…”

“Liam!” Zoey barked, grabbing my hand. “Calm down! Breathe.”

I forced myself to inhale, then exhale.

She smiled. “Good. Now, do you remember what Mr. Johnston said about assumptions? ‘When we assume…’”

“‘...it makes an ass out of you and me.’” I finished. “I know, I know. But I’m not assuming things!”

“Really?” She let go of my hand and sat back upright in her seat. “Then give me one concrete fact you found out during your two weeks of research looking up ‘these guys,’ as you called them.”

I started to say something, then scoffed.

“C’mon,” Zoey goaded me. “One thing. Their motivations, their resources. How about their name?”

“Alright, I get it.”

We sat in our booths for a bit, neither one of us speaking.

“Look,” Zoey said, breaking the silence. “I understand why you’re worried about this. And to be fair, we should be. But we can’t sit here and give ourselves a heart attack about what these hypothetical boogeymen may or may not do.”

“What about these, then?” I asked, pulling out the business cards the policemen and firefighters handed out in Memphis, handwritten ‘A’ logo in the margins. “These are clear warnings!”

“Sure. Or they’re a secret symbol that lets people know that they’re dealing with something spooky, one they thought we understood. Or maybe they were trying to point to some kind of resource that could have handled Red Eyes for us.”

“Then why’d they leave?”

“Because it was fucking Red Eyes? Hell Liam, you were about ready to bail on it too.”

I tried to form a rebuttal, but nothing came.

“For the record, I agree with your theory that this is some sort of secret group trying to cover this stuff up,” Zoey admitted. “But the fact remains that we don’t know who they are, what they can do, or even what their true intentions are. What we do know is that we dealt with Red Eyes, and the Bunny Man, and a million other things. We can deal with these guys too.” She took the papers, folded them up, and handed them back to me. “In the meantime, stop making them out to be invincible supermen, okay? That’s probably what they want.”

I took the papers back and put them in my pocket. “Okay.”

“Cool.” Zoey stood up and threw some dollar bills on the table. “I’m going to go pay for this.”

“Alright, I’ll meet you at the RV..” I headed towards the front of the diner, then stopped at the glass door and looked around once more.

A diner full of hungry patrons filled my view, free of secret agents and sinister g-men.

I chuckled and walked outside.

***

Two days later, I was at Walmart yet again, and it was becoming very apparent to me how the megastore super chain had dominated the country. Where else can you fill out a shopping list of “frozen waffles, coffee, rechargeable AA batteries, USB C to USB cable, and toilet paper” all in one go?

I was also cursing Zoey under my breath, yet again. Her insistence of always taking a camcorder with us, always recording was beginning to annoy me as I juggled the wires and toilet paper in my hand into a configuration that would allow me to open the frozen food door.

Finally, I managed to twist my fingers into a claw, fling open the door, and half scoop, half knock over a box of eggos into my awaiting arms. “Gotcha!” I exclaimed out loud.

I saw movement in my peripheral vision and I turned to look. At the end of the aisle was a man in a red shirt, looking over at me, probably watching my strange display of acrobatics.

Or maybe he’s here to spy on you, a voice in my head said. After all, the men in black must be extremely invested in the brand of frozen waffle you eat, Liam.

The thought was so absurd it actually made me laugh out loud. I took another look at him and squinted, realizing that if I kept doing that, he almost looked like Thorn, the agent who came in after Stevie Sims disappeared, and the mental image of the serious-faced Thorn examining waffles made me laugh again.

The man at the end of the aisle shook his head and hurried to the end of the aisle.

“Evening sir!” I called as he moved past me.

“Evening,” he said without looking up.

“I need to tell Zoey that her pep talk was really effective,” I said to myself, grabbing a can of coffee and heading to the self-checkout. And it was. I was actually humming as I moved over to one of the machines and scanned each of the items, placed them into the little plastic bags, and moved to leave the building.

“Have a good night, Mr. Foster,” the self-checkout attendant, a large white lady, said.

I stopped and turned around.

“Something the matter, honey?” she asked.

“How do you know my name?”

“Oh right, I’m not supposed to know that, am I?” She smiled at me. “Oops. My bad.”

In an instant, my blood ran cold as two weeks of panic and paranoia settled in once again. I began to hyperventilate as I backed away from the woman.

She didn’t make any movements to stop me. Just watched me leave, still smiling all the while. When I finally backed out into the automatic doors, leaving the Walmart behind, I heard her cry “See you soon, Liam.”

And that was it. Any hope I had of peace in my life died right there.

***

“And that was all she said?” Zoey asked me. “‘See you soon?’”

I nodded, cradling the cup of coffee in my hands I had gotten from the chain restaurant we were eating at.

“Was there any chance it was just a fan trying to be creepy?” she continued. She didn’t sound too convinced herself.

I shook my head.

“Damn it,” Zoey silently swore.

“More coffee?” our waitress asked, appearing out of nowhere so fast it made both of us jump. “Sorry, didn't mean to startle you!”

“Yeah, yeah,” I said, pushing the mug over to her and letting her walk away with it.

“Make sure it’s decaf!” Zoey shouted over to her.

I leaned over and lowered my voice to a harsh whisper. “What are we going to do?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted. “Maybe… maybe we don’t need to do anything. Maybe they were just trying to scare you.”

I laughed. “Well, it worked. I’ve never been so freaked out in my life.”

“Yeah, me too,” Zoey quietly agreed.

The waitress came back and slid my coffee over to me. “Anything else I can get you?”

“No no, we’re… we’re fine,” I assured her.

“Alright,” she replied, eyeing us over one more time before leaving.

“So what do we do?” Zoey asked me.

“Me?” I shot back. “Why me?”

“Because you’re always the one who figures it out.”

I put my hands out in a show of surrender. “I got nothing. This is… this is beyond me.”

“Well, we have to do something,” Zoey said. “We’re not just going to sit around and wait for these guys to come at us, right Liam? Liam, are you listening?”

I wasn’t. My attention was fully drawn towards the other side of the room, to a booth where a lonely man sat.

A man in a red shirt.

“It’s him,” I realized.

“What?” Zoey responded. “Who’s who?”

“That man,” I said, moving my head over to him. “That’s the guy I saw at the Walmart. The one staring at me.”

“Are you 100% sure?”

Without a word, the man reached over to the seat next to him, pulled out a box of frozen Eggos, and sat them where both of us could see it.

“Yeah, that’s him,” I confirmed.

“Fuck,” Zoey swore. “How far away is the RV?”

“Other side of the building,” I answered.

“Right.” She reached into her hoodie pocket, pulled out a wad of bills, and threw them on the table. “We’re leaving. Follow me. Keep to the street lights.”

I nodded and we both left, taking quick steps to leave the building and enter the dark parking lot.  Once we were a few feet away from the building, the red shirted man exited as well.

Zoey quickened her pace to turn around a corner and I copied. Once we did, she grabbed my arm and dragged me over to a car, forcing me to crouch down with her, out of sight from the sidewalk. Both of us held our breath as we heard the footsteps of the man grow louder, then fainter.

I hazarded a peak and watched as he rounded the far corner of the building and disappeared.

“He’s gone,” I said.

“C’mon then.” Zoey urged, getting up and sprinted for the RV.  I ran as well, only a few inches behind. Once I reached it, I flung open the door with a frantic pull, jammed the key in, started the engine, and flew out of the parking lot as fast as that whale of a vehicle would let me.

“Holy shit,” Zoey breathed. “Holy shit holy shit.”

“We gotta go,” I said, taking a turn way too sharp.

“Go?” she shouted in disbelief. “Go where? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but these guys seem to be everywhere.”

“We’ll just… keep moving. We won’t stay in a place for longer than a day. Make sure they can’t hone in on us.”

“For how long? We still have lives, Liam!”

“Then what do you suggest?” I shot back, louder than I wanted to.

Zoey leaned back in her seat. “Maybe… maybe it’s nothing, right? Like they just want to scare us. If we just… carry on, maybe they’ll walk away.”

I didn’t respond. My eyes were glued to the side mirrors showing the back of our vehicle, displaying a large black sedan.

“Liam?” Zoey asked.

“We’ve got a car tailing us,” I responded.

“What?” she turned around, watching it through the back window.

“It’s followed us for three turns.”

Zoey opened her mouth to say something, then closed it and forced herself to calm down. “We could just be paranoid. Take a turn down a side street. See if it follows you there.”

I nodded, put on my blinker, and turned down a small neighborhood street lined with houses. It wasn’t long before I saw a flash of headlights in the mirror.

“Fuck, Zoey he…”

The sound of whizzz SMASH interrupted my thoughts as the mirror shattered into a cloud of tiny reflective slivers, exploding into the air and falling away. It was soon followed by a loud CRACK as something struck the small window far in the back of the RV, forming a gigantic spider web of fissures across it.

“He’s shooting at us!” Zoey screamed.

I stomped on the gas and peeled out of the neighborhood and back into the main road, fast enough to almost topple us into a barrel roll. I managed to straighten it out while dancing amidst the hocking, pissed off drivers, then looked out of the good mirror.

The car was still there, but now I could see the silhouette of the man inside. He shifted from leaning outside of his window to a nonchalant settling in his seat.

“He’s still there, but I think he’s done shooting” I reported.

“So now what?” Zoey asked.

“We lose him.” I tried cutting over to the right lane and taking a sudden turn down another street, then moving left and passing a group of slower moving cars. It appeared behind me once again as if nothing had happened. I suddenly slowed down and turned right out of nowhere. It had no trouble following me. For the next three streets, I did every maneuver I could think of to shake our stalker, but it was no use; the erratic movements did nothing to separate us from the much smaller and nimbler car.

“Liam, ahead” Zoey whispered.

I looked to the road in front of us. A group of men in yellow and orange construction vests were in the road, setting up cones and barrels to block off the entire passage past the stop light intersection we were coming to. The right turn lane was also blocked off with similar barrels, forcing all the cars in all four lanes to go one way.

Left.

My eye caught one of the construction men pointing straight at us while talking to another man. The other man saw us and nodded.

“They’ve trapped us,” Zoey said.

I clenched the steering wheel. “No they haven’t. Hang on.” I sped up, forcing myself past another car trying to get into the left lane, and kept going, arriving at the intersection the second the light changed from yellow to red. Then I floored past the light and turned right. The entire vehicle screeched, fighting with inertia to follow my command, and we hung on for dear life as the tires squealed and lifted off the ground. As they did, blaring cars moved past me, people in the perpendicular lane trying to navigate around my crazy stunt. After an eternity of noise and motion, the RV finally straightened out and moved with the flow of traffic.

I looked back, watching the black car sit stuck behind the new flow of vehicles.

Zoey stared at me, hyperventilating with eyes wide.

“We get on the highway, we stop off the side of the road.”

She nodded, then wrapped her arms around herself, quietly shaking.

***

We parked on the side of East Highway 412, right after a bridge over the water. Not knowing what else to do after that, we sat darkness, not speaking

After an hour, Zoey broke the silence with a trembling voice. “What do we do now?”

I shrugged.

“No, you can’t do that,” Zoey pleaded. “C’mon, there’s always something to do. We always figure something out.”

“There’s just too many of them,” I said. “This isn’t one thing to dissect, this is a whole organization of people. And we’re just us.”

“So what are you saying? That we just lie down? Give up? Live our lives in fear?”

I stayed quiet.

Zoey sniffled, then cleared her throat and stood up, moving over to the drawers and rifling through them.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Looking for those ‘A’ cards.” She drew out the two small pieces of paper and moved over to the table, turning on a lamp and examining them under the light.

“It’s no use,” I called over to her. “I’ve looked those things over a million times. There’s nothing there.”

She didn’t reply. Instead, she leaned in closer to the table. “There’s color smudges in the center of these ‘A’s…”

“I know. I saw them too. They’re just printing errors, Zoey.”

“ ‘officer’... ‘contractor’... ‘greater’... There’s been an ‘r’, a ‘g’, and a ‘b’ smudged out in every card.”

“Yeah, so?”

Zoey got up and grabbed her laptop, running back to the table. Then she took her phone out and took a picture of one of the cards.

I sighed and got up to stand behind her, watching her computer screen. “Zoey, you can’t just magically CSI some details together. You know that, right?”

“I don’t need details,” she replied, opening up photoshop, “I just need color.”

I looked at her, confused.

“You’ve assumed that these were warnings, right?” she continued. “Signs to stop digging too deep. But what if those guys were actually trying to help, pointing us to assistance secretly without letting them know about it?”

“What does this have to do with color?” I interrupted.

“Well, computers store color values as different quantities of red, green, and blue. An rgb value. So if you wanted to hide something in plane sight using numbers…” She opened the image on her computer and magnified the image until the two smudges had filled the screen: one half a deep maroonish-burgundy and the other a drab olive green. Then she took the little eyedropper tool, sampled the hues, and pulled up the color menu, reading off the values.

“‘100, 8, 55’, and ‘52, 91, 7’.” She put her hand on her chin in thought. “Well, it’s one too many for a phone number. It could be coordinates… ”

“It is a phone number,” I interrupted. “International callers have to put in a country code. ‘1’ is the code for the United States.”

Zoey breath quickened as she grabbed her phone, putting it on speaker before typing in ‘1-008-555-2917’ and letting it ring.

The phone gave a series of beeps instead. “The number you are trying to reach is not available,” it announced. “Please hang up and…”

She sighed and hit the red button.

“Well,” I said, “It was a good…”

Almost immediately, the phone began to ring, the caller displayed as ‘1-008-555-2917’.

Zoey glanced at me before putting it on speaker and answering.

“Well well well,” a voice with just the slightest hint of a Southern accent said, “you certainly took your time getting back to us, Miss Hammersham.”

“Who is this?” Zoey asked.

“My name is Anderson. I’m a member of Archangel.”

“The people behind the ‘A’s with wings?” I asked.

“Yes, Mr. Foster,” it said without pause. “I assume you’ve made your decision about our offer.”

We looked at each other. “W-what offer?” Zoey asked.

“The offer one of our agents spoke to you about earlier.”

“Nobody’s talked to us,” I said.

There was a pause from the other end of the phone.

“I see,” it finally replied. “We’ll have to correct that. Is there a place where we could meet?”

“Yeah, umm…” Zoey turned to me. I got out my phone and began to search the area.

“Lake Fayetteville Park,” I said out loud. “Tomorrow, noon.”

“Splendid. I’ll see you then.” There was a click, and the line went dead.

***

Thirteen hours later, we were waiting in Lake Fayetteville Park, seated at a picnic shelter shielding us from the bright rays of the sun. All around us, the sights and sounds of regular life orbited us: a man walking a large dog, a woman watching her kid run around, a young couple holding hands. My head was on a permanent swivel; I kept scanning the large lake, the trails, the grassy hills, the parking lot where the RV was parked, and back. I’m sure that I looked incredibly shifty.

It paid off when I found what I was looking for: a thin man in a black suit and tie, heading straight for us. His skin was pale and his hair was a fiery shade of red. Trailing him was another black-suited man, this one with darker, closer to olive, skin and messy black hair behind large, reflective aviator sunglasses. One part of me recognized him as Thorn, the agent who had burst into the Ritzman to announce Sims’ “suicide,” and another as the man in the red shirt who had been tailing me yesterday.

“Miss Hammersham, Mr. Foster,” the red-haired man said politely with the same voice that had came over the phone.

He waited for one of us to say something. When neither of us did, he shook his head and looked around the park. “You picked a good place for a meeting like this. Very public. High pedestrian traffic. Good line of sight in any direction. Even easy access to your vehicle. Very intelligent. Of course,” he sighed, turning to the other agent there, “it is always the smart ones that get in over their heads, isn’t it?”

Anderson spread his arms apart and clapped twice, loudly, making the sound ring out across the park.

Instantly, there was silence. Every single person there turned to look at him, rose, and just left. The couple went to their car. The man with the dog walked them both out of the area. Even the child quietly took his mother's hand and let her guide him out of the park.

In a few moments, the entire space was empty. Soon as it was, other black-suited individuals appeared, some from the trees, some from over the hills, some only a few feet away, having waited behind buildings. What had been a crowded and noisy public space was now a silent vacant one, filled only with Anderson, Thorn, the agents...

...and us.

Zoey nudged me. An unfamiliar silhouette was sitting in our RV. It waved at us.

“Finally, some privacy,” Anderson said with a smile. “Come, let’s walk.” He took a few steps, then stopped when he noticed neither of us had moved.

Anderson chuckled. “It’s alright. I’m not the one who bites.”

“You guys tried to kill us,” I protested.

“Yes, I do apologize about that. We had a mix-up with some communication.” He gave a look to Thorn that I couldn’t identify before turning back to us. “I assure you, we have no intentions to harm you, and...” he gestured to the agents around him,  “as I’m sure you already figured out, if we really did wanted you dead, you’d be dead. So… walk?”

“Well, it doesn’t seem like we have a choice,” Zoey said.

Anderson smiled. “You always have a choice, my dear. The question is, are you going to make the right one?”

Zoey stared at the ground for a moment before standing up. I did so as well.

“Splendid.” Anderson turned and began ambling towards the lake. We followed him, and Thorn followed behind us. The other agents stayed in their spots, but their eyes tracked us as we moved.

“What are you going to do to us?” I asked.

“Answer one of your biggest questions for you,” Anderson replied. “After all, your searches for our icon indicate a pretty big curiosity about Archangel and what it stands for. Don’t worry; this is how most of our alliances start.”

“Alliances?” Zoey questioned.

Anderson nodded and stopped at the shore of the lake. “As the two of you have already discovered, there is much more to this universe than what meets the eye. In fact, our reality is very similar to this algae here,” he continued, picking up a long branch and lightly poking a patch of green pond scum. “It exists at the surface of this lake, not knowing all the creatures and predators and cold depths that exist underneath it. In fact, it has no idea that its health is linked to this invisible infrastructure. If the water is too low, or if there aren’t enough fish, or if some toxic chemical gets introduced, the algae will die without ever knowing why. And the same is true for us.”

He began to slap the surface of the lake with the stick, causing small waves that made the green mass bob up and down. “But most importantly, the algae needs the lake to be calm. Sure, it can handle little waves, but if enough disturbance is caused…” Anderson reeled back with his branch and smacked the algae with all his might, causing it to split apart in a massive splash and making some of the smaller pieces sink.

He threw the stick into the woods, wiped his hands, then turned back to face us. “This is who Archangel is. We are the caretakers of the lake, making sure that its healthy enough to support all us pieces of algae. And our biggest concern are rabble-rousers like you, the… ‘truth-seekers’ of the world.

“You see, we want people to believe that this algae, their daily lives of work and cars and whatnot, is all there is in the world. We call that ‘the veneer of civilization’, and protecting it is our top priority. Enough people diving into the waters will stir up the lake, disturbing the truly large fish in there. Those fish are powerful enough to permanently destroy the ecosystem of the lake. And the health of the lake is far more important than the health of the algae.”

“So this is the part where you tell us to stop or else,” I finished.

Anderson chuckled. “Not quite.” He started to walk back over to the picnic shelter, forcing us to follow. “In all honesty. the world is getting a little too big to handle. Every day, more people are making houses in previously wild places, more urban legends are being spread, and more dark web chat rooms are spitting out information. Our strategy of being the boogeyman in everyone’s closet won’t work for too much longer. There’s simply too much to cover with our finite resources.

“That’s why we want to bring you in. Absolute secrecy has become unsustainable. But plausible deniability… that is far more affordable.”

“I don’t understand,” Zoey interrupted. “What do you think we can do?”

“The same thing you’ve been doing,” Anderson replied. “Find the supernatural. Record it. Publish it. And should something you find ever make it to the light of day, we’ll point back to you. Publicity stunts from a webshow, a satisfactory enough answer to make most people stop searching.”

“But they’ll know,” I protested.

“Will they?” he retorted. “How many people actually believe that your show is real, and not a bunch of clever camera tricks? When you tell your fans ‘this really happened,’ how many of them believe you and how many think you’re just trying to sell a lie? I mean, when… avaunt-garde storytelling blends such obvious fiction blends with fact, who’s to say what’s real and what’s not?”

Anderson’s grin grew just a bit wider and he lowered his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “You see, Liam, people desperately don’t want to believe. They’ll do anything not to, and all they need is an excuse. One like: ‘oh, I know where that rumor started from! It was that one webshow. What was it called? Scary America?’”

I sank back down to the picnic bench, unable to speak.

“Cheer up,” Anderson said. “This’ll make you famous. Rich too, most likely.”

“And if we say no?” Zoey said.

“Well that’s the real beauty of this plan,” Anderson replied. “You can’t say no. Feel free to continue your show however you wish. Hell, throw in this entire conversation from the secret microphones I know you have on you. The only real way to protest is to stop your little experiment and, well… that’s hardly a loss for us.”

Zoey slumped into the seat next to me.

“Wonderful,” Anderson said. “I’ll let our people know that you’ve slipped over to this side of the veneer. It’ll give you some protection. Not much, mind you. Especially if you’re trying to interfere with something. But it’ll give you more than you had.”

Anderson clapped his hands twice again and the agents began to fade into the background, becoming replaced with the park goers that had been there before.

“Cheer up,” he said before leaving himself, “you’re on the side of the angels now. Things only go up from here.”

***

When we got back, the mirror and back window of our RV had been replaced with new, crack-free glass.

A sign of cooperation made in good faith, the note on the mirror said.

Zoey tore it up into little shreds.

***

We spent the next several hours doing… I don’t know what, exactly. Sitting around in shock, I guess. It felt like we had been dragged deeper than we wanted to and now we were stuck in a place we weren’t even sure we wanted to be, and the worst part about it was that nothing had happened except a simple conversation.

I couldn’t stop thinking about what Anderson had said, hearing his words on repeat: Enough people diving into the waters will stir up the lake, disturbing the truly large fish in there. In my mind, those words were accompanied by the void-faced form of Sam. Those fish are powerful enough to permanently destroy the ecosystem of the lake. And whEN THAT HAPPENS, THE DARK PENTECOST SHALL COME, MY DISCIPLE…

“Liam!” Zoey shouted at me, snapping me out of my trance.

“Hmwha?” I stammered.

“I said we can’t let them get away with this!” she exclaimed. I wasn’t sure when she had entered the room, but she was here now, stomping up and down the length of the RV. “What the hell gives this Archangel the right to do this kind of shit?”

“Maybe… maybe they have a point.”

Zoey glared daggers at me.

“I mean, we don’t exactly know what we’re doing here,” I continued. “What if they’re right about all this? What if the consequences...”

“What if?!” Zoey yelled. “Do you think that Ms. Jackson will take solace in her destroyed orphanage over a ‘what if?’ Or Greg Thornstine, still trapped in ‘Worlds of Wonder’? Or Sims?” She stopped pacing to make eye contact with me. “You said it yourself, these people are practically feeding the darkness by keeping these things secret, and we can not let them get away with that. I just…” she collapsed into a chair. “I just wish there was a way to fight back now.”

Unprompted, the voice of Anderson played in my head one more time. You always have a choice, my dear. The question is, are you going to make the right one?

And something clicked.

“We can,” I said.

Zoey raised an eyebrow.

“They’re afraid of ‘Creepy America,’” I explained. “They’re afraid of this show.”

She laughed. “Liam, did you hear a word of what they said?”

“That’s what they said, but that’s not what they believe,” I continued. “If that was really the case, they wouldn’t have reached out like that. They’d just let us be and move things in the background. But they didn’t. They’re afraid. Of what this show could become. Of what it could start. And they can’t get rid of us, because it’s already started, so they’re trying to do the next best thing. They wanted to scare us now, when we’re nobody, so that when this becomes something greater, they could intimidate us into poisoning and twisting it.”

Zoey sat up in her chair. “So what do we do?”

“We play along,” I said. “We pretend like we agree. And while we do that, we make more episodes, publish more videos, back up our claims with as much evidence as we can muster. Maybe not everyone will believe, but some will. And when we get those people to dig deeper…”

“...we expose Archangel,” Zoey finished.

I nodded.

“Right then. Get this thing started,” Zoey commanded, throwing the keys at me. “We’ve got a lot of country to cover.”

That day ended up being a good travel day. One afternoon of driving can usually net us somewhere between 250 and 300 miles. We went over 500. But more importantly, it was the first time we had driven with a purpose. Before now, Zoey and I had seen Creepy America through very different lenses. To me, it was a chance to research the strangeness of the world. To Zoey, it was a route for fame and creative achievement. Empathy could draw us out of those selfish dimensions, but not for long.

Now was different. Now there was a reason to keep going, to bring Creepy America to the light of day. Creepy America was no longer a project, it was a mission.

And heaven help whoever got in our way.

[kimjauhiainen]

The Nice Guys(2016): Shane Black keeps kicking ass & taking names

(I’m beginning my slow re-release of my written materials, so expect these to pop up weekly. I won’t be rewriting anything - these articles will be released as they were. This review was originally published at thesupernaughts.com on July 31st, 2016.)

The Nice Guys(2016) Written & Directed by Shane Black

Hi, after a brief summer hiatus yours truly is making a triumphant return at typing his crazy ramblings. What did I do in that hiatus, you may ask? Well, I was relaxing, reading a few books, doing all sorts of relaxing yard-work with an axe an other power-tools (in the process improving my tan from “translucent” into a “palish pink”), walking in nature and of course – watching a lot of movies (both new and olde) and bingeing one TV-show(“Stranger Things”).

It’s been a very interesting year in terms of new movies so far. I kinda feel that we have come upon something of a transformative year in the Huge Summer Blockbuster-type of films. Now – I have not seen nearly all of them so I can’t make any declaration of did some of them deserve their fates or not – but it seems that tides are definitely turning. I mean, a LOT of these major summer releases have just completely tanked at the box-office (“Independence Day: Resurgence”, “The BFG”, “The Legend of Tarzan”, “Ghostbusters”, “Star Trek Beyond”…even “Ice Age 5” clearly underperformed), and even some of those which actually MADE money have been of varying quality (the fact that “Batman V. Superman” and “X-Men: Apocalypse” made a lot of cash does not erase the fact that they are NOT good pictures!).

As a kinda “middle-ish year look-back”, I’m gonna give my current TOP-list of the best new movies I’ve seen this year:

Zootopia

Deadpool

The Conjuring 2

10 Cloverfield Lane

(Captain America: Civil War was right up there, but to be all honest; while it was definitely the 2nd best superhero-movie of the year, it just wasn’t as good as The Winter Soldier)

Why only Top 4? Because I finally saw one movie that is going to make it a Top 5, that’s why. The one I’m talking about is of course Shane Black’s (“Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang”, “Iron Man 3”) new movie “The Nice Guys“, written and directed by the man himself and produced by the legendary Joel Silver (Google it up – too many titles to write up here) under his Silver Pictures banner. Silver and Black go waaaaaay back, of course, because it was really Silver who made Black such a writer superstar back in the 80’s after he bought Black’s “Lethal Weapon“-script for $250,000, which then led to even bigger paydays from “The Last Boy Scout“($1,750,000), “Last Action Hero“($1,000,000) and “The Long Kiss Goodnight“(the record-breaking $4,000,000). But – as much money he made from those projects, Black has always been very clear that every single one of those projects – even “Lethal Weapon” – went through several rewrites by other writers before/during the productions, and while SOME of his initial vision & dialogue is still there to be seen/heard, about as much (or even more) always went into the trash bin. So after “The Long Kiss Goodnight“, he kinda got burned by the Hollywood-machine and disappeared from the radar.

It was only when he got that coveted chance to do what everyone truly REALLY wants – to direct as well as write – that he made his triumphant return with the 2005 film “Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang” (again, produced by Silver). That film was like a breath of fresh air – a pure, uncompromised Shane Black-story. And it was not only a comeback for him; it was also a comeback for Robert Downey jr., who had pretty much spent the 90’s and early 2000’s in-between drug-busts, rehab, more drug-busts and prison-terms. Naturally, as seems to be the case with all the really good movies, it flopped at the box-office. But the critics and the peers in the industry sure loved it, as did the most devoted fans. And it has had a pretty lucrative afterlife; after this movie, Downey hit the jackpot with the Marvel Studios and the “Iron Man“-series and when it was time to make a third film (after the much-maligned second film), he called out for his buddy Black to write and direct it. And the rest was history. “Iron Man 3” is currently at the 10th spot of the highest-grossing films of all time and in my books, in the Top 3 of the Marvel movies. Sure – it polarized the audiences a bit by going with some unconventional story choices. But here’s the thing I learned – especially after watching “The Nice Guys“:

In his craft, Shane Black really is ALL about unconventional story choices.

The story of “The Nice Guys” is – on the surface – pretty much a traditional Film Noir-fare:

It’s 1977 in Los Angeles. A known pornstar by the name of Misty Mountains dies in a car accident. A few days later her aunt(Lois Smith) hires a hapless private detective named Holland March(Ryan Gosling) to find Misty, because she believes she has seen Misty moving around in her apartment AFTER her reported death. And as has been shown to us earlier, March is not above investigating cases for a good payday even if he already knows the outcome (as witnessed & showed in the trailers by the case of the widower whose husband has been missing since his funeral). What we also learn is that March is a burnout as well as borderline alcoholic – following his wife’s death a few years earlier, and is desperately trying to keep the pieces of his life together as well as take care of his daughter Holly(Angourie Rice). And EVEN Holly – who is quickly shown as being the one in the family with some actual brains – labels March as “the world’s worst detective”…

Anyhoo – pretty soon March crosses paths with a muscle-for-hire/aspiring private eye/the guy with some anger-issues named Jackson Healy(Russell Crowe), who – in the case of mistaken identity – actually breaks Mach’s arm (talk about first impressions!). But never mind about who broke who’s arm – pretty soon the two discover that they are actually working the same weird case, which now has several different parties searching for the same girl, Amelia Kutner(Margaret Qualley) – who may or may not know something about the shady conditions under which Misty allegedly died: there’s a duo of enforcers called Blue Face(Beau Knapp, named after a color-pack explodes on his face after he digs through a bag of money he shouldn’t have) and Keith David(no point with character names: it’s Keith Motherfucking David and that’s all you need to know – even in the credits he’s just “The Older Guy”), as well as a highly efficient hitman named John Boy(Matt Bomer) and Amelia’s mother Judith(Kim Basinger) who works at the Department of Justice.

The plot circles into a deep maze of Detroit Auto industry, corruption, environmental activists and a McGuffin in the shape of a film-can containing an “arty” porn-film that’s actually a big protest against the industrial pollution of the atmosphere, but it’s actually not that important because the main focus of the film really is all these fucked-up characters and the crazy fucked-up situations they get pulled in(as a rough example: it’s sort of like all the Darin Morgan-written “X-Files”-episodes). From the earliest scenes it’s very evident that we are witnessing the birth of yet another legendary Shane Black buddy-team. There was Murtaugh and Riggs, Hallenbeck and Dix, Baltimore and Hennessy, Harry and Perry – and to a degree also Tony and Rhodey. Now there’s March and Healy.

But; I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s talk about the overall impression of the film first.

If “Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang” was still Black sort of finding his own directorial voice and “Iron Man 3” was him getting back to the big-budget filmmaking and playing with the big expensive toys, “The Nice Guys” is the first 100% pure, unlimited Shane Black-film. It is very clear that he is something of an encyclopedia of film, as well as all the classic film-cliches. And he seems pretty much hell-bent on taking a piss on all of those cliches and giving them a completely new spin, sometimes veering into total parody (his take on the old “throwing a gun to the other guy”-gag as well as a background gag of March swimming after a mermaid in a windowed pool are almost Zucker/Abrams/Zucker-territory – and then theres a bit involving falling asleep at the wheel which goes right into a “Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas”-territory). I guess the proper genre-tag (if anyone cares of such labeling) of this film would be a “period detective noir parody“. Setting the film in the 70’s and all the outrageous excess and sleaziness of that period seems to have freed Black to just go completely head-on in the realm of the ridiculous.

Having a great score by John Ottman & David Buckley as well as a kick-ass selection of the groovy tunes of the 70’s also helps. He doesn’t go as far (some would claim “too far”) as some filmmakers would have done and made the film in the style of the 70’s movies (film grain, jump cuts, kung-fu zooms etc.), but instead uses the most modern filmmaking tools available and directs with such an economical confidence of frame that it’s a marvel(see what I did there?) to watch. He NEVER makes the visuals take control of the scenes – it’s all about the dialogue. And the characters.

And boy does he let those characters play. I imagine there must be hours and hours worth of ad-libs and alternate takes from this movie, as Gosling and Crowe just keep stealing moment after moment. This will go down in history as one of the great comedic double acts. Frankly, I was VERY surprised that Ryan Gosling was this good at comedy. Both verbal and physical comedy. Pretty much nothing he has done before has given any hints to the things he pulls off in this movie. To be totally honest, I’d put him up for a Golden Globe for the “Best Performance in a Comedy” right now – accept no substitutes. He embraces the complete ineptitude, clumsiness and the idiocy of his character in a way that the closest possible comparison is probably Kevin Kline in “A Fish Called Wanda“. And he has perfect counterbalances with Crowe – who I thought from the trailers was just sort of parodying his character in “LA Confidential“, but is in fact sort of playing on his much-publicized real life tough-guy persona but adding a level of warmness and cuddly-bear type likability to it (to be fair, I have always known that Crowe CAN be funny – there are behind-the-scenes bits from over the years that have shown that over and over again. But this really is the first time that persona has been put on screen properly) – and Rice, who is clearly the more capable one of the Marches and something of a spiritual successor of Danielle Harris‘ Darian in “The Last Boy Scout“. You could say that these characters are a triumvirate that makes for one pretty good detective: March’s power is Dumb Luck (and apparent indestructability), Healys is Strength and Holly’s is Intelligence. And all the other players also get their chance to shine in the movie as well; with the small exception of Kim Basinger, who doesn’t really get all that much to do – and this might be the only little tiny scratch in the movies armor. Maybe her character was just a little TOO straight-faced in opposite of these crazy guys playing against her and could have used a little bit more character quirks or something, I don’t know.

All in all, “The Nice Guys” is a hell of a lot of fun and will no doubt get a lot of rewatches and re-evaluation (is it just me, or is that opening shot from behind the graffitied-up and decaying Hollywood-sign a slight nod to “Demolition Man”- also from Joel Silver?) as the year comes to a close. I know yours truly will watch the hell out of it again. and again. After all, rewatchability is a big issue when I decide on the greatness of a movie. This one makes me want a new Shane Black-movie every year from now on – and as he’s already deep in the production on both “The Predator” and “Doc Savage“, things are looking good. And hell – let’s make some silent (or not so silent) wishes for maybe a “The Nicer Guys” somewhere down the line.