#brand new eyes is my top album. and not because of the 'obvious' choices. i have it on vinyl.

[constellation-skirmishes]

they're arguing over the best paramore albums

anakin: All We Know Is Falling & Brand New Eyes & This Is Why

ahsoka: After Laughter & Riot! & Paramore

ani: of course i'm right you overgrown, hairless tooka-kit

soka: NUH-UH !!

[ghostradiodylan]

Who among the Quarry counselors has had an emo phase?

This got lost somehow and I couldn't find it until I got on the desktop site and it was like HEY THERE'S AN ASK IN YOUR INBOX, I'm so sorry Torch! But thank you for the ask!

Obviously Ryan. Look at him. He's still in it. He's wearing a long-sleeved shirt with a short-sleeved band shirt over it! He's got the eyeliner and everything! 😆 If they had kept this concept art design with the black converse high tops with the contrasting red laces, we wouldn't even need to have this conversation because it would be so obvious!

That right there is an emo boy. I actually have no idea what emo kids 10ish years younger than me were listening to, but based on my own experiences I'd put Ryan musically in the spot where emo, screamo, and post-hardcore intersect, so he probably liked stuff like Scary Kids Scaring Kids, The Used, Thursday, AFI, and some of the moodier Brand New albums (before they got canceled).

Miles says emo is not a phase and he is and will forever be emo (same), and while Dylan is not exactly or entirely Miles, I think he would agree. Not sure he would have adopted the outward style though, I think he was super nerdy when he was younger and wouldn't have wanted to draw attention to himself. But based on the handful of songs we get that Dylan is supposed to have chosen for the party, he probably listened to the more melodic and poppy (but still angst-riddled) side of emo, like Dashboard Confessional, Jimmy Eat World, Bright Eyes, early Weezer, and Saves The Day (before they got canceled).

And, look, Abi's the other obvious choice, right? She's got that Hot Topic aesthetic. But wouldn't it be funny if the other former emo kid was actually Emma? I HC her as into pop and top 40 rock and broadway tunes now, but Imagine middle or early high school Emma listening to early Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance and having split cherry red and black hair in kind of a scene shag cut and heavily lined eyes. I can kinda see it. she probably liked 30 Seconds to Mars too (before, say it with me now, they got soft-canceled--why are men in this scene and music industry as a whole so terrible??)

Finally, Jacob might be having his first ever emo phase right now. Remember when "Untitled (How Could This Happen to Me)" by Simple Plan became a meme? I feel like that's just Jacob during the game and post-canon. He's a sad boy. He could have a small emo phase, as a treat. It might be good for him.

Hang in there, big guy. 🖤🖤🖤

[amysteriousmessenger]

MC giving RFA+Minor trio a gift for Valentine's day please! :D

I’ve tweaked this a little bit so it’s also a returned gift!! I hope you like it!! This is my second Valentine’s day request <3

RFA + Minor Trio Valentine’s Gift Exchange Headcanons

Yoosung Kim Valentine’s Gifts

You didn’t have to think too hard to decide on what to get Yoosung for Valentine’s Day, he had been complaining that he needed a new headset for a few weeks but had already spent his student budget on new limited edition LOLOL skins. The poor boy had already been reduced to instant ramen to afford these luxuries. You didn’t know too much about which sort of headset he’d prefer, so you just got him a decently branded one that had good reviews and hoped it would work.

You also wanted to get him some extra things to go in his giftbag, so you got him a new t-shirt tand some cute strawberry heart shaped Pocky, which you definitely didn’t buy with the pure intention of playing the Pocky Game with him. Of course not.

Yoosung would have put quite a bit of effort into thinking about what to get you for Valentine’s Day, since he didn’t want to screw up and be a bad boyfriend. He even asked Zen for advice, but didn’t think the bold, extravagant declaration of love really suited him.

Yoosung decided to go for the traditional route and gift you a little charm bracelet, a small bouquet of red roses and cook a meal for you. Of course, it was his special omurice, packed with extra love because it was Valentine’s day. He’d picked out the charm bracelet online, it was a little silver one with a sparkly star charm on it.

Zen/Hyun Ryu Valentine’s Gifts 

If Zen knew anything, it was dramatic romance. He’ll pour Valentine’s clichés on you like it’s nobody’s business. Zen buys you a chunky bouquet of red roses, a big box of chocolate (he doesn’t usually eat chocolate because he doesn’t want the sugar to affect his skin, so he makes sure the box is extra big so he can cheekily pick at a few that he likes) and takes you out for an evening meal.

When you get home after the dinner, Zen will pick you up outside the door and carry you bridal style over the threshold, just because he wants you to feel like a princess in his arms.

You can also bet that Zen is going to sing for you for Valentine’s Day. He’d have spent a while picking out the song, and depending on what he thought was best, it would be 1) Your favourite song, 2) A dramatic love ballad from a musical he’d been in, or 3) a joking strip-tease song.

For your gifts, you’d have gotten Zen some new skincare products that he’d been looking at. You knew how much he loved his sheet masks so you’d brought him a fun selection to have a try of. Some of your favourite evenings with Zen were spent doing skincare on one another, so you wanted an excuse to do that more.

For his big gift, you got him a ticket for two to go for an all-exclusive spa day trip. He was flustered that you’d spent so much money on him, but you assured him it was for the both of you to spend time together and to enjoy!

Jaehee Kang Valentine’s Gifts

Valentine’s Day wasn’t a holiday that Jaehee had off from work if it was a weekday, so you were really lucky this year that it had fallen on a Sunday. She’d gotten all of her work done late on the Saturday night in order to have the day free to spend with you.

You got Jaehee a fancy new coffee maker that she had had her eye on for a while, but couldn’t justify to herself since her old one was still in fine, working condition. You’d imported some special coffee beans for her to try too. You also felt like it was important to give Jaehee some flowers too, since you knew sometimes she felt so dull and drab because of how Jumin made her dress for work, she deserved to feel pretty too.

Jaehee got you tickets to a musical show you’d been wanting to see, but had missed the tickets for. She’d seen that a pair of them had gone up for sale second hand and had quickly snatched the sale in order to get them for you. It wasn’t a show that she’d have usually seen, but she’s very excited to get to watch it with you.

Jumin Han Valentine’s Gifts 

To start, you’d have gently implied to Jumin about setting a budget for Valentine’s Day, because God knows he didn’t know the value of money sometimes and you felt bad knowing you couldn’t match whatever he was going to spend. You didn’t want Valentine’s to be about money, but about your feelings for one another.

You told the chef on Saturday night that he wasn’t needed for breakfast since you wanted to make breakfast for Jumin yourself. You made him a spread of sweet pancakes with syrup and fruit and hand dripped his coffee yourself, taking the time to decorate a little foam Elizabeth the 3rd on top of it. You’d also made him lunch to take to work, and put a little note in it saying that you and Elizabeth missed him whilst he was gone. 

Jumin had arranged for the two of you to go to an extremely overpriced restaurant for dinner, which is where you were exchanging gifts. You have Jumin a pair of cufflinks engraved with yours and his initials, which he immediately swapped the ones he was currently wearing for. 

Coincidentally, Jumin also gave you jewellery, it was a beautiful necklace with far too many diamonds in. He clipped it around your neck, agreeing to himself that his selection was correct as it looked beautiful on you. He also added that there was another gift waiting for you at home, since it would have been inappropriate to bring to the restaurant. 

He had gotten you a set of lingerie to wear for the night, obviously. 

Saeyoung Choi Valentine’s Gifts 

Seven was a hit at heart, and a car guy, so the choice was obvious: you were going to get him a giant Hot Wheels tracks with all the extra decorations. You spent far too much money on it, but knowing how happy it would make him made it entirely worth it. 

You thought he was going to cry when he unwrapped it, and he immediately set it up and spent hours making the track and remaking it, adding extra obstacles, making the car go over Saeran’s head, loop, jump through flames- everything. He was so happy with your gift that he almost forgot to give you your own gift. 

Which he then changed into- 

Seven was going to be your maid for the day, outfit and all. He explained his gift by telling you he knew how much effort it must be to look after him, so he was going to look after you for a change, and ‘look good while doing it’. 

He also got you a bunch of imported snacks that you had really been wanting to try, but couldn’t work out the proxy or shipping to be able to do it. You were swimming in snacks, you didn’t know where they were going to go.

V/Jihyun Kim Valentine’s Gifts

Always a romantic at heart, V would have put a lot of effort into your Valentine’s gifts and spent a lot of time considering it, he wouldn’t have wanted it to be a commercial gimmick but an actual symbol of his love for you. You felt the same, of course.

For V, you gifted him a new portable polaroid camera and cartridges. He had so many big expensive cameras, but a little polaroid captures fun moments and prints them instantly. They could capture moments without taking V out of it and distancing himself.

You also gave him a set of imported watercolours from Europe, since the reviews said that they were really good. He’d mentioned wanting to experiment more with watercolours, so this was the perfect time to gift him a set to practice with.

For your gifts, V would have first gifted you a weekend getaway for the two of you, knowing how stressed you had been recently. He wanted to give you a chance to relax and to just spend some time being utterly in love with one another.

Secondly, V gifted you a painting, of your hand touching a rose petal and being illuminated by the sun. He didn’t need to explain it, because he knew the painting reached your heart.

GE Saeran Choi Valentine’s Gifts 

Saeran was always getting you gifts, so he wanted to do something extra special for Valentine’s Day, but remaining in the spirit of the holiday. He was in love with love, and wanted to show it. 

You’d woken up to a room full of flowers, so many flowers. Saeran would have decorated the room silently before you had woken up since he wanted you to wake up to the beautiful sight. He’d tell you the meaning of each flower and how each one represents a different reason as to why he loves you entirely. You’d been awake about thirty seconds, this man is shameless with his affection.

Saeran would make you breakfast in bed and would cook for you for the entire day, making whatever you wanted to eat. He’d already made a bunch of baked goods in preparation whilst you were asleep.

Over dinner, you’d give him his gifts even though you were worried that they weren’t enough in comparison to what he had done. You gave him some seeds, a new pair of gardening gloves since he was continuously hurting his hands on rose thorns, a photo album of the happy memories the two of you had been making with the RFA and a little keychain that had a picture of the two of you in it to go on his housekeys. Needless to say, he cried.

Saeran had also got you another gift, a tiny gold necklace with a little heart in the middle of it. He said he chose it because he wanted you to carry his heart with you everywhere you go.

Vanderwood Valentine’s Gifts

Vanderwood absolutely forgot Valentine’s Day was a thing until the day before, when he wanted in on Seven trying on his maid outfit to make sure it still fit okay and had to immediately explain himself.

He was not someone to celebrate Valentine’s Day, since he didn’t want to get attached to anyone, but you had somehow wormed your way into his life and refused to leave. 

He’d have gotten you a new laptop, since he couldn’t bear to look at that horrific old thing you were using. He set it up with anti-tracking software and made it as safe as possible to people like him didn’t steal your information, he wouldn’t do anything romantic, but he might be a little less mean to you for that day. He wouldn’t even say ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’ to you, he’d just hand you the laptop and show you how to use it.

For your gift to Vanderwood, you tried gifting him a vape pen so help him cut down on smoking so much, but he didn’t willingly accept this. He took it, and would maybe use it when he was at home and no one could see him vaping though, since you’re the one who gave it to him. 

Just to add an extra gift in, since you knew the vape pen wouldn’t go down well, you gave him a voucher for a coffee shop and an Elvish dictionary: you had insider information that Seven was about to change the intercom on the door’s language, after all.

[jerepars]

Throwing Copper Extended Chapter Notes

1 / 5 Reinventing Your Exit

Hyperlinks appear in blue (underlined on mobile). The story is posted here.

Teresa could see the stress James carried in his jaw and the dark circles under his eyes. She recognized it because she’d seen it in herself before, the restlessness and slight delirium, when she wasn’t sleeping.

The first sentence is an ode to the opening lyrics of Remo Drive’s “I’m My Own Doctor”: I’ve been self-diagnosing all of my problems, carrying all my stress in my jaw.

David Lee Autry was one of many aliases James had over the last few years but one he maintained with close attention because the so-called Autry had a credit card in his name. James hadn’t exactly had time to pack a bag when he broke out of a CIA facility to warn Teresa about impending doom. He showed up in New Orleans in a stolen car, the clothes on his back, contents of his pockets, and a bullet lodged in his chest.

David Lee Autry is the name written on James’ fake passport in 2x03 (around 20:54 in the episode); Pete from the militia group reads it.

James felt a lump in this throat. Whether it was because there was something very domestic about letting someone else do his laundry or because he worried the warning he’d come with wasn’t enough to protect Teresa every time she walked out the door, he wasn’t sure. But he swallowed his feelings down and didn’t put up an argument to her laundry suggestion. He appreciated the clothing George had lent him, but oversized tracksuits and brightly patterned button-down shirts were far from James’ aesthetic. And he absolutely refused to put on King George-branded attire, aerodynamic or not, so he’d been going commando while waiting for David Lee Autry’s online order to show up at Teresa’s PO Box.

When Teresa and James meet King George for the first time in 2x01, we get the lovely scene where he yells for someone to get Teresa a King George bikini (1:12) and later points to the speedo he’s wearing, saying “aerodynamic as shit, will make you feel alive, I trust” (1:18). And, like, who am I to not bring up aerodynamic speedos and going commando?

The doctor had come back and after patching him up, again, prescribed bed rest for the patient who seemed to be doing everything to keep aggravating his body rather than help it get better. Teresa had been furious, asking if he had a death wish after all, so he’d spent the last two days bored out of his mind in bed from inactivity, barely sleeping and reading Faulkner. Or maybe he’d barely slept because he was reading Faulkner. Either way, James knew it best to tread lightly where Teresa was concerned.

That didn’t mean he couldn’t sit in a chair at a desk though. Anything would be an improvement over laying on his back and waiting for his thoughts to float up to the ceiling.

So, listen, since they’re in Louisiana, and given their close proximity to matters of death and dying, if James is going to be reading anything at all, it just feels fitting that he’d be reading Southern literature, specifically William Faulkner. As I Lay Dying is an obvious choice, but personally I think he’d be reading The Sound and the Fury. Not that it matters.

The last sentence in the second paragraph is a reference to “Dreamspace” by Glacier Veins, and the line that goes I’m on my back so I float up to the ceiling to feel different.

Teresa had cried herself to sleep that night thinking about everything that could have gone wrong, if he hadn’t made it in time, or if he had but if it had been too late for him. It wasn’t just anyone—it was James, and he would’ve spent his last dying breath to tell her to chase safety if that was what it took.

Never did I think I’d manage to make a nod to and with my one last gasping breath I’d apologize for bleeding on your shirt from “You’re So Last Summer” by Taking Back Sunday. To be here, in 2020, as an adult, and finding a way to make that reference is...strange yet somehow satisfying at the same time. Also, the chapter title is in reference to a song off the Underoath album They’re Only Chasing Safety, and it looks like I found a way to work that in as well. I don’t know why my musical inspiration for this version of Jeresa seems to come from music that peaked in the early 2000s?

There was a time when James had been her mentor to the underworld, always keeping her from sinking to the bottom, even when he’d been the one who had to make the tough calls and take the brutal actions. She didn’t think he’d ever be able to rid himself of that balancing act, of showing her the ropes but strongly advising her to untether herself from the line completely, to walk away. Teresa could still hear his voice in the back of her mind, from the night after the party at the Birdman’s when he told her in a matter-of-fact fashion why he’d sent her in: your job was to learn. Since then, and especially in his absence, it seemed there’d been only tough lessons to learn and bitter pills to swallow.

I have so much appreciation for the early dynamic between James and Teresa. The car scene in 1x05 outside the warehouse is a highlight because when Teresa gets out, all indignant, she thinks she has the last word (0:15), and James comes right back at her (0:21) to tell her how it is. He’s kind of smug about it. I love it.

And I know that there’s trouble all the time. But it’s interesting that when they get away from this dynamic (especially in S4 where it doesn’t exist, because James isn’t there), it seems that’s where the real trouble comes in.

The balance that they create is delicate.

They were so far removed from the time he’d said I’ve got a plan for a future and it doesn’t include getting killed by crossfire meant for you. But he’d chosen crossfire—sought it out, really—that was what his future devolved into. And like he’d said back then, she was trouble. More and more, Teresa had begun to wonder if there was anything the James she’d first met in Dallas wasn’t right about.

I know this scene in 1x04 is often reblogged and quoted. After watching it several times, my only question is if it’s just the lighting of the scene or did they forget to apply James’ tattoos on set that day? I can’t watch it or see gifs of it now without that bothering me.

It only took Teresa a day to get the cat to venture inside and it only took George a few minutes to declare its name: Peach. God damn, we got ourselves a grumpy cat on our hands, George had exclaimed as she sunk her claws into his flesh before escaping from his embrace like a magic trick, she’s got the same personality as Giant Peach over here. She’s little Peach.

So I guess I rolled with that bts picture of Peter from Alice’s story and wrote the cat into the story. I bet this cat makes zero appearance in S5 and at no point do any of them ever have a pet but I did it anyway. The first thought when I saw it was “Peach and Giant Peach”. Would James be a cat guy? I think he would.

George suspected there was much more to the exchange than the parting words voiced out loud, noticing there was a sense of thanks in her eyes, too. The looks Teresa and James gave each other exuded the tension between them and always made it feel at least ten degrees hotter than it actually was in any room. They had their own way of communicating that only made sense to them, that no one else was privy to. There were better odds throwing copper down a wishing well than trying to decode their language of silence.

The story title comes from “Throwing Copper” by Touché Amoré. Like throwing copper in a well. You’ll never know if wishes work only time can tell.

This is not really the part that made me decide to name the story after the song, but I was still happy to find a place for it in the narration.

“Think you might need to reinvent your exit strategy, Giant Peach,” George said with a frown, nearly in disbelief with himself over what he was about to reveal to James.

“Reinvent?”

“Reinvent. Rethink. As in don’t make one. Methinks the last thing Little Principessa needs right now is more people leaving.” George spoke without his usual puns, so James didn’t have to question if he was being serious.

As mentioned earlier, the chapter title is from a song off of They’re Only Chasing Safety, “Reinventing Your Exit”. I think this might be the biggest Underoath song there ever was? Just listening to this makes me feel 14 again. This was such a gateway to other music that I ended up loving.

Teresa’s evolving thirst for vengeance, to even the score, was foreign to James. It was part of Teresa that scared James a bit. Before he left Phoenix, he’d seen tiny red flashes of her anger, questionable decisions so far removed from when she’d stood within shooting distance on a train car and said we can do a different way, where none of us has to die. Her vision had seemed clear then; she wanted to move product without the same bloodshed as Camila. When James worked for Teresa, he’d never wanted her to lose herself in the business, and never thought she should stay in the business—those were things she’d said she never wanted, too. But being at the top in the business, like she was, it changed people. It was inevitable. It pulled them down into the fire until there was nothing left but scorched earth.

I get the sense that we are never ever getting this kind of James in canon, who is not totally cool with the part of Teresa that she shuts off in order to be queen. I think we probably get another yes man. And for canon, for the sake of Teresa being the queen, I get it. That’s fine. But, in any fic, I always find myself trying to humanize characters and not just leave them as archetypes. The reason this story got so long, the reason there was no way I was going to get through it in 2500 words or less (lol, who am I kidding, I can’t write anything of that length), is because I realized this is the James I want to explore. I want to see him push back at Teresa and not just let go, not just get shut down. Because Teresa is far from perfect and she doesn’t always make the right decisions (tbh, I think she makes a lot of dumb decisions). It’s a delicate balance between the two of them that gives the best outcome.

James’ thoughts in this first chapter are the setup for the exploration of the Jeresa dynamic in the next two chapters.

James used to see a blinding light when he looked right into Teresa’s eyes, a moral compass of sorts, always willing him to choose the humanity he’d buried so deep. But now it was light mixed with dark, integrated too well to be separated. Now looking into her eyes was like staring at a flickering light, not sure if it was going to illuminate the cave or burn out.

Here is the part of “Throwing Copper” that resonated with me for this whole thing: Like staring at a flickering light, you don't know when It'll burn out, or how much time you have left to let it light up your life.

So relevant.

I don’t want to lose you. Maybe that had been a proclamation of love in her own way, and maybe that was the last honest thing Teresa had ever said to James, after she’d realized she’d been wrong to doubt him. Those words had gripped him and followed him. He’d found solace and comfort in them even after he left, because he’d wanted nothing more than to stay, but he left to protect her because of what Devon had hanging over his head.

One of the lines in Tegan and Sara’s “This is Everything” is baby, this is the last honest look I’ll ever give. But by the end of the song it turns into baby, this is the last honest love I’ll ever give.

Teresa and James so obviously love each other but they never say that out loud, right? I feel like that moment in 3x12 when she says “I don’t want to lose you” (around 23:05 of the episode) is the closest we’ve gotten thus far. There’s a silent moment before she says it, and a silent moment after, before James answers and I swear all of it is so telling. The silence. The way they look at each other. The body language. Everything. They know.

[blurry-fics]

Chapter Twenty

Realize That It’s Gone | Series Masterlist

Warnings: None

Word Count: 2209

Author’s Note: I hope you enjoy this chapter! :) (picture credit)

You would think that after knowing Y/N for almost eight years, I wouldn’t be so nervous walking up to her front door. Yet here I was, standing in front of her door with shaky hands trying to work up the courage to actually knock. Getting out of the car hadn’t been an issue, but this? My hands were staying buried deep in my pockets.

Then it hit me.

I turned away from the door and half-jogged down the walkway, headed straight for the gravel path on the side of her house. There had been times in the past when Y/N had mentioned liking the idea of someone throwing rocks at her window to get her attention, and what better opportunity was there to do that than our first official date? After collecting a small handful of rocks, I stood in the middle of the driveway and looked up at her bedroom window.

“Basketball skills, don’t fail me now,” I muttered under my breath.

The first rock hit the window dead-on. I did a little spin, pleased with myself for actually hitting the target that I had set out to hit, but it still hadn’t grabbed Y/N’s attention. After a quick glance around the street to make sure nobody was giving me weird looks, I threw a couple more rocks at her window.

Y/N finally came to the window, looking frustrated. In a panic, I chucked all the rocks in my hand back towards the pathway and dusted my palms off on my jeans. She slid the window open and leaned forward, resting her forearms on the windowsill.

“Ty!” she called. “What in the world do you think you’re doing?”

I looked up at her, using one hand to keep the sun out of my eyes. “I thought it would be romantic!”

“Yeah, until you scratch up my window and my dad has to replace it,” she laughed.

“Sorry!”

“It’s ok! I’ll be down in just a moment.”

I didn’t wait for Y/N to shut the window before I wandered back over to the front door. My face felt a little hot from our encounter, but I hoped the blush would fade before she opened the door to greet me. If not, well, maybe she would think it was cute.

“Hi,” Y/N smiled as she opened the door.

“Hey.”

“Ready to go?”

“I am if you are.”

“Great.”

Y/N closed the front door and held out a hand to me. I laced my fingers with hers and followed her down the path to the car, already feeling my heart pound in my chest.

“Y/N, wait,” I said.

“What?” she asked, stopping in her tracks to turn to me.

I used our linked hands to pull her closer to me and press a quick kiss to her lips.

“It’s nice to see you again.”

“You too,” she smiled.

“Ok, now let’s get out of here.”

*     *     *

“I really hope you like what I have planned,” I said, nervously tapping my thumbs against the steering wheel.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“I guess, well, it’s not really like a typical date. I thought it might be boring to go get dinner or whatever since we’ve already done that together so many times and I really want our first date to be memorable.”

Y/N reached over and rested a hand on my shoulder. “Ty, I’m sure I’m going to love whatever we end up doing because I get to do it with you.”

“It’s time to find out.”

I pulled into the parking lot of my favorite record store. Y/N and I had been here countless times before to pick up CDs from our favorite artists or just get inspiration for stuff that I was working on, but today I had something different planned.

“Are we going to the record store?” Y/N asked, turning to me.

“Yeah, but… ok, so I have this idea,” I said, suddenly growing very nervous.

“What’s the idea?”

“So I thought we could like, I don’t know, pick out a CD or two for one another, because I thought that might be the kind of thing you would like to do. And then we can go back to your house and sit on the porch and listen to our new music while we watch the sunset and see if there’s any songs that we really like and, maybe, they could be, like, one of our songs.”

“Ty, that’s the best idea I’ve ever heard,” she smiled. “Picking out music for one another? It’s perfect.”

“You think so?”

“Yes!”

I leaned back against my seat and exhaled, relieved to know that Y/N was on board with the idea. Not to mention that she was getting visibly excited, making her look even more adorable than was typical of her. It was hard not to just stare at her and admire the look of pure joy on her face.

“What are we waiting for? I want to pick out some CDs!”

“Ok! Ok, I’m coming,” I laughed, already fumbling to take my keys out of the ignition.

I wrapped an arm around Y/N as we walked into the record store. There were a few other people wandering around - some that I recognized - but they didn’t pay much attention as we walked in and began to slowly make our way through the rows of CDs and vinyls. It had been too long since I had last been in this store.

“Are you going to follow me around the whole time?” Y/N laughed as she picked up a CD to examine.

“No, I’ll start looking eventually. I’m just taking everything in for now.”

She leaned her head against my shoulder for a moment to show that she had heard me. I stood with her awhile longer until she eventually sent me away, claiming that she didn’t want me to accidentally see the CD that she chose for me. After a quick warning to each other to be serious about our choices, I wandered off to the other side of the store.

I lost track of how long we spent in the record store, looking over CDs and occasionally holding one up for the other to see and joking that it was our choice. To tell the truth, it hadn’t taken me long at all to choose a CD for Y/N. The second that I saw Brand New Eyes by Paramore, I knew it was the right choice.

“Are you almost ready, Ty?” Y/N asked from a few rows over.

“I’ve been ready. What about you?”

“Yeah, I’m finally ready. I would spend hours in here if it weren’t for the rest of our plans,” she smiled.

“You and me both.”

We both made our purchases, still being sure to keep them hidden from the other’s view, and then headed back out to the car. I passed my bag to Y/N before pulling my seatbelt on.

“Are we looking at them now?” she asked, already starting to open the bag.

“No! Not yet. I just didn’t want to hold it while driving,” I smiled.

“Right,” she laughed. “When we get back to my house, then?”

“Perfect.”

I held Y/N’s hand the entire way back to the house. It might have been excessive, but now that I had her, I never wanted to let her go. I had spent enough time denying myself the happiness that Y/N brought into my life.

“My mom just texted me that I have to feed Georgie,” Y/N said as we pulled up in front of her house. “So do you want to run upstairs and grab my CD player while I do that?”

“Perfect,” I answered. The car shuddered to a stop.

I followed Y/N inside and kicked my shoes off by the door before running upstairs. Her CD player was sitting on top of her dresser, next to a stack of CDs. It took a bit of work for me to get all the cords and everything wrapped up in my arms, but I eventually managed to get all the essential parts downstairs to where Y/N was waiting.

“Oh geez, Ty,” Y/N said, rushing to my side as I reached the bottom of the stairs. “I didn’t expect you to get it all in one go.”

It was a relief when she took some of the stuff from me so that it was no longer digging into my arms. Together, we carried it over to the counter and set it down.

“We’re going to need an extension cord if we want to play it outside,” she sighed.

“Do you have one?”

“Yes, it’s just in the garage. I’ll go grab it real quick.”

Y/N disappeared through the door in the kitchen, leaving me alone with her cat. Georgie turned to look at me for a moment before returning to loudly crunching his food. I turned and leaned against the counter while I waited for Y/N to come back.

“Got it!” she announced proudly, kicking the garage door closed behind her. “But before we get that set up, I want to see what CD you got for me.”

I grabbed the bag that held the CD I had picked out for her, made obvious by the folds on the bag from where she had repeatedly bent it during our car ride home. She grabbed the other one.

“You first? Or me?” she asked.

“It’s up to you.”

“Um, then I want to open mine first.”

“Here you go,” I smiled, handing her the bag in my hands.

She chewed on her bottom lip for a moment before opening the bag. Her eyebrows furrowed a little as she pulled the CD out and looked it over.

“Paramore?” she asked.

“Yeah. Josh and I had the chance to meet them and go to one of their shows when we were on tour. They have really good music that I think you’ll really like. Plus, there may or may not be a love song on there”

She smiled up at me. “I love it, Ty. I can’t wait to give it a listen.”

“I’m glad.”

“I really hope you like what I picked out,” she said as she passed me the bag from the counter.

“Death Cab for Cutie? No way,” I grinned as I looked over the CD. “Is this new?”

“Yeah, they released it when you were on tour. Since you hadn’t played it in the car at all, I thought you might have missed it because you were so busy.”

“I totally did. Man, Y/N, this is great.”

“You like it?”

“Of course I do.”

I set the CD down on the counter and pulled her into a hug.

“Should we try and get the CD player set up now?” she mumbled into my shoulder.

“Yeah, let’s do it.”

Y/N and I spent the next five minutes figuring out how to set up the CD player so that we would be able to hear music while sitting on the porch, all while trying to decide which one we even wanted to listen to first. We eventually settled on Paramore, since it was an album that both of us were less familiar with.

“Ok, hitting play now,” Y/N announced.

Quiet music began to play through the speaker. Y/N turned to me with a cheesy smile, pleased that we had been able to actually get it to work. After adjusting the volume to an acceptable level, she joined me on the edge of the porch. My arm was around her before she had even gotten comfortable.

“Now what?” she asked.

“We sit and listen.”

And that’s exactly what we did. Aside from the occasional comment between songs or a bit of conversation here and there, we sat and quietly listened to the music, enjoying one another’s company and waiting for the sun to set.

As soon as The Only Exception started playing, a new idea popped into my head. I stood up and held a hand out to Y/N, but she simply looked at me with furrowed eyebrows.

“What are you doing?”

“We’re dancing.”

Y/N immediately began to smile as she placed her hand in mine. I helped her stand up from the porch and led her out into the middle of the grass. She giggled quietly as I pulled her close and placed my hands on her hips.

“You’re gorgeous, did you know that?” I asked quietly.

“I may have been told once or twice.”

She was, with her eyes shining in the sunlight and that familiar goofy smile on her lips. It was hard to believe that there was ever a time that I had almost let her go.

“Was this an ok first date?”

“Ty, it was perfect. I couldn’t have asked for a better day.”

“And it isn’t over yet,” I smiled.

“Do you have more planned?”

“Just more dancing. And maybe some snacks.”

Y/N laughed. “I like dancing and snacks.”

“I know you do.”

I leaned down and kissed her.

“I love you,” I whispered.

“I love you too.”

“You mean it?”

She smiled. “I mean it.”

*     *     *     *     *

Taglist

@faceofcontvsions​ @ohprettyweeper​ @tylersheavydirtysoul​ @topownsmyheart​ @schrodingersjustine​ @heythereitm3​ @leam-2001​ @breadbinishigh​ @wearebxnditos​ @iguessimsatan @harishaanne​ @5secondsofmoxley​ @patdsinner33​ @littlerachelbee​ @iamnotawasteofspace​ @nostalgic1975​ @fruityfreddie​ @gaysludge​

[freshdotdaily]

I wrote this blog post in 2012 but tumblr deleted it.  It was called sumn like, “My main critique w/ Talib Kweli” I wasn't allowed to listen to rap or any secular music growing up. My mom did me a grave disservice in that regard. So appropriately when I came into age I began sneaking all the music I could. I liked hip-hop and wanted as much of it as possible. The first record that I got that informally changed everything for me was Arrested Development's "Arrested Development 3 years 5 months 2 days". Probably because A) It was non-violent hip-hop I could RELATE to & B) After being raised by a Puerto Rican mother I had little to no real Knowledge of Cultural self.The next albums that followed after I devoured that album were Fugees "The Score" and Busta Rhymes "When Disaster Strikes" it'd be a little while before I was able to get my hands on any new cd after those two, so I had those 3 albums for a good year or two in heavy rotation along w/ Future Flavors on Hot 97 to keep me current. I was writing my raps pretty regularly around this time and I'd graduated from performing gospel raps at my churches Youth Night to  nervously performing at little local open mic spoken word poetry nights w/ my friend Jason.The next album I got my hands on was "Mos Def & Talib Kweli are BlackStar".

That album changed EVERYTHING for me. As far as I was concerned I never needed another rap album. This was the penultimate affirmation of all the things I'd come to feel were true about myself and hip-hop and my culture. Mos was the Charismatic emcee who was forever on beat and in pocket w/ his flow and Talib was the well-read, technical lyricist. I immediate began trying to become an amalgam of them both in one emcee since I felt they so aptly represented what I felt. Reflection Eternal's "Train of Thought" album dropped and blew my head clean off my shoulders. The beats, man. Kweli was at his apex w/ that album. Raps + beats + Brooklyn being well represented. Oh, and let us not forget the Ecko advertisements. I wore Ecko exclusively for about a year and change. I mean footwear to underwear at one point. Talk about artists being brands and marketing alignment & etc.  I bought Triple 5 Soul because that's apparently what Mos Def wore, right? I bought & read Ntozake Shange's "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf" because Kweli made a reference to it. I read Toni Morrison's "The Bluest Eye" because Kweli made a reference to it. I mean, this is what hip-hop, good hip-hop anyway is supposed to do, right? Spark discussion, open minds, create thought and growth, etc. I felt like I was a part of that MOVEMENT. Rawkus. The Okayplayer board. The Spitkicker site. SoulQuarians. I had all the albums from everybody. Probably TMI, but I lost my virginity in 1999, while Pharoahe Monche's "The Light" was playing in the background for some reason. smh. For crying out loud, Black Star's "Respiration" is the top song in my top five favorite songs of all time.

It gets deep, nigga. (c) Kendrick Lamar

As my writing progressed and evolved and I found my own voice eventually through trial and error, Mos Def's "Black on Both Sides" dropped. While "Train of Thought" was still my favorite of the two albums, Mos's charisma eclipsed Kweli  and he became my favorite of the two emcees. I judge rappers work against their own previous work instead of their peers, because that's fair to do artistically. So I'd never pit Mos & Kwelis work against each other because that's like arguing about which is more delicious of a fruit, apples or oranges? Two different fruits altogether, bruh. Also, at this point, I'd moved out my moms house, put out my 1st album, discovered early Eminem and Canibus and had a blossoming cd collection. Not to mention my attention was being held by a burgeoning Kanye.When Kweli's solo project "Quality" dropped, it hit me kinda like "meh". Gone was the signature Hi-Tek sound. I mean, Tek had joints on there but it wasn't the same. Dj Quick? Dj Quick is a mothafuckin' legend, sure. But his relevance at the time? Nah. Especially to a n00b EAST COAST hip-hopper as myself, it was baffling. The general consensus was Kweli used his first truly solo debut to attempt a move toward a more mainstream sound. It received some mainstream attention thanks to the West-produced single "Get By" which peaked at #77 on the Billboard Hot 100. That was Kweli's lifesaver. That album would've drowned otherwise. I did like the Kweli/Kanye connection that seemed mutually beneficial for both of them. It seemed to be going well even got him a Hov shout out on "The Black Album", in which Jay-Z rapped: "If skills sold, truth be told/I'd probably be, lyrically, Talib Kweli". Then the Strugglesome "The Beautiful Struggle" album dropped and I wanted to like it, but it too, hit me like "meh". The Neptunes, Just Blaze and Kanye couldn't save that album. The album failed to cross over into the mainstream and suffered a critical backlash. For example, Britt Robson of The Washington Post  said: "Struggle" was a "frequently awkward, too-obvious bid to exploit the commercial buzz Jay-Z created." Mos was trying his hand at rock music w/ Black Jack Johnson and dropped "The New Danger" to my disappointment. By this point I'd bought Common's "Like Water For Chocolate" and it made him instantly my new favorite emcee. I went and bought "Resurrection" and "One day it'll all make sense" in the same day and consumed those albums daily.In listening, I noticed Kweli's aging. His attempts to remain relevant by looking around him and seeing what was popular and trying to compete. I was willing to overlook his stuffing a thousand syllables into a bar and over usage of the word "like" in every rap song w/ semi-obscure literary references (that I dug, actually). I was willing to overlook the preachy tone his raps somewhat took. I was still BUYING Kweli's music. Brooklyn. over. everything, my nigga. I downloaded '"Liberation" and wasn't mad at that at all. Kweli and Madlib? Dope. I stopped there. There was too much disappointment for me to continue. I wished he'd maintained his aesthetic. Emcees like Kweli and Fat Joe will always look around and try to emulate to maintain relevance. I'm sure there's more money and more opportunity in it, but you lose that core fanbase for the possibility of a bigger, newer fanbase who's not familiar with your older work and doesn't love you the same as a fan. Whereas an artist like Ghostface or DOOM will continue to do what they do in their lane and gain cult followings. Mos learned this the hard way. It wasn't until "The Ecstatic" (and stepping the live show up by giving people what they came to see) that heads began fucking w/ him again.Eardrum? Nope. Finally, a new Reflection Eternal album? With post G-Unit Hi-Tek? It was a little too late. I bought it & reluctantly handed my money over. I'd lost my will to be be a Kweli fan. Gutter Rainbows? Nope. Idle Warship? Hell no. 

Did Kweli become wack? nah, he's still nice. I feel like it's the same problem Nas had with putting out 2 great albums out the gate and then trying to maintain relevance in a changing musical environment where the consumers are getting younger and the music is warping to accommodate. It took Nas about 10 albums to figure out how to get BACK to his original formula.I ask myself often if my critiques on Kweli came about because I rap and hold him in my influences. You know how you get older and realize your parents weren't the geniuses you thought them to be as a child? Once I figured out my stride and perfected how I wanted to rap and write, I think I began flaw finding. Flaw finding is both my nature as a virgo and my right as a consumer & fan. The power to critique constructively is also my right as a fellow artist. The biggest iniquities were the syllable cramming at the expense of flowing on-beat to get a point out as well as beat choices. But overall, I wanted that vibe back. I wanted that hi-Tek, Geology and Shawn J. Period vibe back from when I found myself as a young man and emcee. In 2013 Kweli is dropping "Prisoner of Conscious" a title derived from Talib's constant labeling as a "conscious rapper" and based on Nigerian reggae artist Majek Fashek's album "Prisoner of Conscience." I plan on purchasing it via an experiment. I'm gonna download all the albums of his I missed and see if there's been any hints or glimmers of what I've been missing that could lead up to this being his "Life is Good" album. Based on that, hopefully I can "experience dedication" and "move something", before it's "too late" for him to "get by".-F.Daily

It’s 2019 and I think Kweli is super important to raps annals and history.  Albeit his hubris and righteous stances especially on social media mixed w/ distasteful personal stories I’ve heard + how he handled ReS’s music issues have rubbed me all the wrong way. I still think there’s really some slivers of relevancy for Kweli in the current hip-hop climate. I think he’s in tune with the culture and good for hip-hop and an important voice in socio-political justice for the advancement of people of color. Ionno how good the music is for me personally anymore, but I’ll always have Reflection Eternal. 

content sourced from Talib Kweli's wiki page

[waveridden]

FIC: you’ll always be my happy ending

A love story, told through articles, transcripts, tweets, and a very popular song. Parker/Cib, celebrity AU, 1.8k.

AUcember || title lyric || Ao3

#

1. Article from Teen Vogue, Dec. 2017 issue

Fast Five: Things You Need to Know about Cib by R. Scully

Clayton James, better known as Cib, put out one of the biggest alt-pop records of the year with Songs From Every Coast. His meandering lyrics, smooth vocals, and surprising production have earned him fans around the world. He’s also notoriously private, but we here at Teen Vogue sat down with him to get five must-know facts.

Yes, he’s like that in real life. (Sort of.) It’s been a big debate between fans whether his stage persona - kind of a goof, an idiot but in a fun way - is an act or actually who he is. But he says the truth is somewhere in the middle. “I can do basic things,” Cib says, “but I think anyone who says they’re totally competent is either lying on purpose or just wrong. Like, haven’t we all microwaved silverware before? We all make mistakes, I just play them up on stage.”

His first guitar was named Sheila. “Not for any reason, I think I was going through an Australia phase. You know, the Australia phase that every kid goes through. I thought it’d be cool.” His current guitars? Annie, Melanie, Sally, and one that he says is a secret.

He hated riding bikes as a kid. “I do it all the time now,” he laughs, “but when I was a kid? Nah, dude, I fell off constantly. Crashed it more than once My balance was s***. I’m way more coordinated now. I think it’s all the choreography.”

The headband started as a joke. If you’ve seen more people wearing headbands lately, that’s no accident: that’s Cib’s brand. But he says the brand was a total accident. “My friend Steve bet me I wouldn’t,” he says, “and all it takes is one or two photoshoots, a couple of paparazzos, and bam, you have a brand.” Lucky for him, he didn’t mind leaning into it: “I think it’s a good look, don’t you?”

Mr. Mcghghy is real, and he’s not who you think he is. Easily the most popular song off Songs From Every Coast, “Dear Mr. Mcghghy” sparked waves of speculation in fans. The song is obviously a love song, written to someone who’s only ever called Mr. Mcghghy. And who is he? “Someone I was friends with as a kid,” Cib says. “We had nonsense nicknames for each other, and his was Mr. Mcghghy. He was definitely my first crush, looking back, but I don’t really know where he is these days.” And what was his childhood nonsense name? “Aw, dude, it was Cib. Of course.”

#

2. Excerpt from Song Exploder, episode: Cib - Dear Mr. Mcghghy

“Okay, first of all, because I know everyone’s asking about it: yes, Mr. Mcghghy is real, but I don’t remember his real name. When I was younger, I used to spend my summers visiting family in North Carolina - it was actually a big inspiration for this album as a whole. When I say it’s from every coast, you know, I mean it’s from every coast. East, west, Canadian, American, it’s all in here.

“But I used to go down to North Carolina for a month every year, and there was this kid who lived down the street from my family. He was a couple years older than me, and I don’t remember a lot about him, because we were kids, and kids don’t know how to pay attention to shit that’s going to be important. But he was a little older, had curly hair, and was totally okay with bratty little me dragging him on adventures all over his city. He said he’d seen it all before, but I was seeing new things, and that was part of the song.

“The nicknames just came out of nowhere. We picked our own, although I think one of my cousins had already been calling me Cib. I don’t remember why he picked Mcghghy, but he was always really, really specific about how it was spelled. I made up a song to help me remember, and you can actually hear that melody in the background of the chorus…”

#

3. Interview with The Sami Jo Show on iHeartRadio (Dec. 8, 2017)

SJ: Okay, okay, so here’s the question on everyone’s mind.

C: You sure about that?

SJ: It’s on my mind, and I think it’s a thing a lot of people are curious about. What’s your favorite song off your album?

C: Oh, f***- wait, s***, I can’t say that on air, can I?

SJ: I mean, you can say it. The people won’t hear it.

C: Good to know. I mean, I can’t pick, right? They’re all my favorite. I put a lot of time into every one of them.

SJ: Top three?

C: God, that’s still so hard! Uh, Gold Rush, because it’s f***ing catchy as all hell. Does hell get bleeped out?

SJ: Nope. Don’t kids listen to your music?

C: I mean, I say f*** on their album. I think I’m single-handedly responsible for a lot of parents teaching their kids about swear words.

SJ: Like many great artists before you.

C: And some not-so-great ones too.

SJ: Of course. So, come on, top three.

C: S***! Um… I Don’t Mind? And then Dear Mr. Mcghghy.

SJ: Oh, I was hoping you’d bring that one up. Because, as a lot of people know, Mr. Mcghghy is a real person.

C: Yeah, he is.

SJ: And you don’t know who he is?

C: I don’t know! And a lot of people think that I’m lying when I say that, that I’m just trying to protect his privacy. A few people think we’re actually secretly married - we’re not, by the way. I legit don’t know where this guy is, or what he’s up to anymore.

SJ: Do you think he’s heard the song?

C: I think it’d be hard not to, it’s kind of popular. Ugh, humble brag, gross.

SJ: And do you think he knows it’s about him?

C: Maybe! Never say never. Mr. Mcghghy, if you’re out there, hit me up. We can get coffee.

SJ: [laughing] And you can tell Cib your real last name.

C: Please! Please, god, so many people spell it wrong, your last name has to be easier to spell than Mcghghy.

SJ: What if it’s not?

C: Don’t- don’t jinx it! [laughing] Don’t cast your last name magic, Siedband!

SJ: Whoa, hold on, let’s not bring my last name into this, I haven’t done anything wrong?

C: Haven’t you? [Sami Jo laughs] Haven’t you?

#

4. A tweet from Cib (@maybeCIB) on Twitter, with replies

Clayton James @maybeCIB kinda miss North Carolina but now I’m old enough to know better

Andrea Whatt @piecesofwhatt Replying to @maybeCIB :( but what if Mr. Mcghghy is waiting for you there?!

evan @evannumbers Replying to @maybeCIB never come back to this state

Tiara, throwing sparkles @theycallmera Replying to @maybeCIB Nooooo most of NC is fine, we swear!

Parker Coppins @pcoppins Replying to @maybeCIB Did you write a song about me?

#

5. Direct Messages between @maybeCIB and @pcoppins

@maybeCIB: Dude

@maybeCIB: I think I might’ve?

@pcoppins: I think you might’ve too

@maybeCIB: how can we confirm

@pcoppins: Uh

@pcoppins: Every year you insisted on eating a ton of saltwater taffy even though you thought it was gross because you thought it’d make it easier for you to open your eyes in saltwater

@maybeCIB: Oh my god

@maybeCIB: it’s you?

@pcoppins: It’s me

@maybeCIB: no way

@maybeCIB: how’ve you been dude

@pcoppins: You keep saying my hair is curly

@maybeCIB: is it not curly anymore??

@pcoppins: No it’s definitely curly I just want to know why that matters so much

@maybeCIB: I don’t think it does

@maybeCIB: it’s just sort of whimsical

@maybeCIB: kind of my brand

@pcoppins: It always was when we were kids too

@maybeCIB: okay so

@maybeCIB: Coppins?

@pcoppins: I can’t believe you actually forgot my last name

@maybeCIB: well what did you remember about me??

@pcoppins: Apparently more than you remembered about me

@maybeCIB: well yeah that’s not hard

@maybeCIB: also sorry for, like, writing a love song about you when I haven’t seen you since I was eleven

@pcoppins: no it’s okay

@pcoppins: it took me an embarrassingly long time to realize it was about me

@maybeCIB: don’t tell me you forgot about mcghghy?

@pcoppins: Oh I remembered it I just thought it was a coincidence

@maybeCIB: really

@pcoppins: Yeah

@pcoppins: And then I heard your Song Exploder

@maybeCIB: oh my god

@pcoppins: Also for the record

@pcoppins: I live in LA now

@maybeCIB: Iiiiinteresting

@pcoppins: so you don’t have to come to NC to see me

@maybeCIB: hey so can I get your number

@maybeCIB: we should do coffee sometime

@maybeCIB: but like, nowhere obvious, because I do have fans who will drag you into a spotlight if they think you’re Mr. Mcghghy

@pcoppins: but I am

@maybeCIB: dude trust me it’d be better to save that for later

#

6. Excerpt from Star Magazine’s gossip section

MEETING MR. MCGHGHY?: Self-proclaimed “weird pop” singer CIB was spotted in L.A. this past weekend in a coffee shop with a mystery man. He’s tall, curly-haired, and as the song to Cib’s hit “Dear Mr. Mcghghy” goes, he has a starlight smile. Could this be the man who stole America’s collective hearts?

#

7. Cib’s acceptance speech for Favorite Breakout Artist, at the People’s Choice Awards

[Cib, standing in front of the podium, clears his throat and looks at a camera operator.]

“Whoa, oh my god, how much time do I have? ...ohhh, that’s not enough. Not enough. I want to say thanks to my family, to my parents, because when I said “Mom, Dad, I think I want to do music,” they both sort of went “yeah, sounds okay.” Thank you to Steve, who learned all sorts of weird music stuff and figured out how to explain it to me. Thank you to my label, thank you to my producers and co-writers and graphic designers. I don’t think most people realize what a team effort it is to make an album, but it involves so many people, and if I could name you all I would, but-”

[The orchestra begins to play, signifying time running out.]

“Ah! Ah, okay, last things, I want to thank the people, for voting for this, you did that on purpose and that’s so crazy. Thank you to all my fans, to every radio station who ever played one of my songs. And thank you to Parker, the best accidental muse I could ever have. Love you, man. Let’s go Broilers!”

[The orchestra music swells. Cib goes back to his seat, and a camera follows him. On the television broadcast, a voiceover announces what will be coming after the commercial break. Just before the feed fades out, Cib reaches his seat. A tall man with curly hair jumps out of his seat, smiling widely, and Cib reaches up, pulls his head in, and kisses him.]

[thebandcampdiaries]

God Moore the Elixir - Passport: Ego Sum Qui Sum

God Moore the Elixir is more than just your average hip-hop artist. Unlike so many modern rappers who just chase trends and copy the lyrical styles of the most trending artists at any given time, he developed a thoughtful and personal sound. His rap flow is deeply tied to the art of parablism, that is,  verbally projecting thoughts or ideas to the listener. He managed to accomplish that by exploring a vast array of topics, and concepts that have the power to really connect with the audience.

Recently, the artist released a brand new album titled “Passport: Ego Sum Qui Sum.” This record denotes a really special approach to production, with a sound that feels clear and sophisticated, yet warm and organic.

This astonishing release features 9 studio tracks, each blurring the lines between different sonic aesthetics and creative directions. The first song on the set list is titled “Chess Move.” Much like it requires some thought to come up with the perfect chess move to win a game, this track is filled with clever lyrics and searing topics, igniting the listener with a witty spark of intelligent songwriting. “WYFW (Catch Me On The Way Back)” is a great song, which combines its unapologetic lyricism with a really dense and organic background track. “So Kosher 1.0” combines a sharp lyrical flow with a beat that has a nice old-school vibe, making for a gritty, yet melodic approach. This song has a modern and polished production, which really allows the mix to stand out for its clarity and depth. On the next track, “GNLFY”, there is even room for a stellar collaboration with Glance Conway, who helped shape this song into something that truly stands out. The 5th track on this release is a song named “Focus 1.0 (Without The Blind Eyes)” and it stands out for its golden age flair. I love the combination of cross-cultural references and classic hip-hop grooves! In addition to that, “Facade (P.B.S)” is yet another lyrically strong track, which actually ties right into the concept of the next song, “So Racist.” The subject of this release speaks for itself, and this song really stands out as a strong title, a very unapologetic look at some of the world’s most controversial issues in this day and age. The next song, “Passport 1.0 (Krill & Steak)” is one of the best tracks on the album, with its catchy melodies and intelligent composition. On this one, the low end is really fat and punchy, while the mid-range is warm, but never harsh. In addition to that, the top end has a nice, silky tone that really contributes to a smooth sounding mix that puts the vocals at the forefront. Last, but definitely not least, “From Predecess To Tha Predeceed” serves as a perfect curtain closer, reiterating what this album is really supposed to be all about! This song in particular showcases the artist’s personal philosophy and spiritual beliefs, from a truly interesting point of view. It’s a deeper reflection on faith, identity, and more. 

One of the most interesting and striking features of this release is definitely its remarkable consistency. Not many artists can easily pull off a project that features such a wide variety of elements and influences. The most obvious risk is that the material can end up sounding quite disconnected and loose - but this is definitely not the case.  

God Moore the Elixir is a master at creating organic, cohesive and consistent vibes, which really flow well throughout the span of this release. The performances are loaded with passion and integrity, while the production aesthetics are also excellent. The mixing quality is indeed absolutely world-class, with some amazing definition in the top end and lots of punch in the low-end and midrange. The results sound warm and present, yet never harsh or fatiguing, which is quite an amazing achievement, particularly in this genre! With this release, the artist really made a point to set the bar higher, not only for himself, but also for his listeners, genuinely delivering something that’s catchy and direct, yet forward-thinking and challenging in the best possible way.

Ultimately, this is an album for pioneers. For the forward-thinkers who like honest and meaningful music that’s more art than entertainment!

Find out more about God Moore the Elixir and listen to this release:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_k5ghJQF0RUxdt--KT_aD-sZ9seUs9giOc

We also had the chance to catch up with this talented artist. Keep reading for a full interview!

I love how you manage to render your tracks so personal and organic. Does the melody come first, or do you focus on the beat the most?

My appreciations and thank you for the review you constructed of my album.  You’re truly exceptional at what you do.

You know, you're the first to ask me that in an interview....there are times when other artists make fair and welcomed attempts to extract an idea by asking how I structure my lyrics or what gave me the idea for a track.   Quite frankly, there are times in which I let the beat tell me a story and I correspond with one similar, but verbally....that approach is literally no different from indulging in a cordial conversation with someone who shares a similar view.   That's a conversation that'll take you off schedule and make you a few minutes late to your intended destination.   Other times, the rhythm of life brings forth that which is within the subconscious.   An example would be when you arrive at that destination and don't recall the duration of the drive itself because of mental activity; the time within the drive granted the mind the perfect opportunity to reflect, explore, and bestow the findings to the conscious....I hope that answer is fitting enough.

Do you perform live? If so, do you feel more comfortable on a stage or within the walls of the recording studio?

Yes, but not as often as my peers and others think I should.  I'm quite comfortable in both.  It's been a while since I actually performed on stage.  Like over 10 years.  I took a well-deserved hiatus to work on separating the mentality I developed while deployed as a contractor overseas.   I won't go into the content of my service, but once I returned, I had to really look at what I had become.  Returning to the things I left during the first deployment wasn't a difficult transition because my time there was like a vacation....but the others were a little different....there was a change that I didn't want to be a constant within my identity....so it takes time to truly analyze yourself and be blatantly honest with yourself about yourself....10 years may sound a bit extensive to some, but it was necessary.  And even with that passage of time, the stage is nothing foreign nor are the sound-proof walls of a studio.

If you could only pick one song to make a “first impression” on a new listener, which song would you pick and why?

It would, hands down, have to be From Predecess To Tha Predeceed and quite frankly, it's not difficult to understand why if who I am is attributed wisely.  FPTTP is an accurate portrayal of identity greater than my observation of an individual, individuals, or an event for inspirational purposes, writing from the position of someone else and projecting what my primitive reaction would be upon aligning with the lesser of choices, or me just having a moment of raw grit because a memory ensued for whatever reason (which is normally to maintain a healthy balance of personal cohesiveness)....FPTTP is what I Am from a point of what I can accurately articulate....some things (thoughts, feelings, emotions, aspects of self, experiences, etc.) can't be explained because there are no words to explain or fully describe them.  The articulation of such findings remain sacred until another is met who are operating on or within a similar frequency....and the connection is apparent but nonverbal.  All other attempts to express may provide some degree of minute reference. Nonetheless, they will always fall short of exactness.

What does it take to be “innovative” in music?

Innovation - as well as the opportunity to be innovative - is always in existence.   From the standpoint of creating music, the opportunities are just as apparent.  Being alert of your direct atmosphere/environment (what's happening around you) and staying aware of what your mind is manifesting (what's happening within you) at all times indefinitely, like, really being in tune with what is being imparted to you from your higher faculties and recognizing at that very moment that this is God Mode (a moment of creation), is ideal.  Honestly, innovation is inward and dormant until the perfect circumstances occur to awaken it.  So all it takes are the tools to pinpoint it for further crafting and the desire to allow it to manifest for universal utilization.  And the amazing truth about these tools is that they are already within you.

Any upcoming release or tour your way?

Yes to the releases, and not at current on the tour front.  But to all my supporters, globally, I will be looking forward to making the Passport Tour official soon, so don't fret.  I want to take time to be fair to this venture I have finally accepted as ordained.  Let those that listen and support me and my art have adequate time to “see with their ears” before the visual entertainment aspect is approached.  That's out of respect and love for my supporters and exercising patience so every box is checked and no stones are skipped on my behalf. Pebbles are perfect for skipping, but if you skip a stone in life, you'll only get so far before you'll have to return to it, so if I'm going to do it, I'm going to make certain it's done right.  I’m not going anywhere; we’ll have a lifetime to connect.

As for upcoming releases, I recognize from projections that the bulk of my fan base and supporters (quite naturally) have been women.  So Kosher 2.0 will be liberated this fall along with J.C.L (Just Can't Leave).  Both were completed (the rough mixes) in 2015 so I have an archive of content.  To expound a bit on what I consider my archive, I've been writing quality lyrics since 1997 and there hasn't been a year that I haven't written at least 8 songs.  Some years begat upwards of 20, but never have I fallen below 8.  Now, as for performing, I had to extract myself from it and it's not like I was well known during that time, but life took its course and some things were put on hold.  Writing was never one of them.  I share this to inform my supporters that I have a lot of content to put out that will be somewhat toxic if released "as is"; it is who I was at whatever time period I created it....I didn't become The Elixir overnight.  But those experiences I was blessed to fulfill equates to the God Moore I am at current.

Anywhere online where curious fans can listen to your music and find out more about you?

Indeed, I'm on every major music and streaming platform globally for those who wish to listen to my art which can be found on Spotify, Tidal, Pandora, Deezer, YouTube Music, Amazon Music, iTunes, Apple Music, you name it, I'm there. Hopefully, we can provide a few quick links for convenience after the interview is concluded.

Also, if you are a supporter, you are considered a member of the New Freedom Guild.  Don’t be hesitant in connecting with me.  I’m not on all social platforms, so the connections will be more personal.  Link with me anytime and when I’m able and time is ample enough, I’ll respond whether it be directly or live.  God Moore is more than a name....it's a movement for positive growth and universal evolution.  My ulterior motives extend well beyond the realm of music….when you’re given the mental capacity to upgrade and change the world for the betterment of mankind, and you’re provided a platform and a supportive following, you may tend to cater to obedience.  Within the facets extending from forward-thinking to technological advancements, my impressions will manifest.  In time, the revelation of this claim will be appreciated.  Love you all.  I humbly do this for ALL.

Health, Peace, and Prosperity.

Want to listen to God Moore the Elixir:

Spotify

https://open.spotify.com/album/7ckAcuHwFfiOfV8pCOZ4bh

Tidal

https://tidal.com/artist/15657257

YouTube Music

https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_lDAkCqc4uZiNcQki6Drqwv8HNPpOe-IJc

YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_k5ghJQF0RUxdt--KT_aD-sZ9seUs9giOc

Amazon Music

https://music.amazon.com/artists/B07R7XXTSV?ref=dm_sh_QbwmIjh3QlD0EM7fC8YPoXJnc

iTunes/Apple Music

https://music.apple.com/us/album/passport-ego-sum-qui-sum/1462118607

Twitter

@MooreElixir

LinkedIn

https://www.linkedin.com/in/god-moore-the-elixir-009882188

To generously support The Parsec Council and The New Freedom Guild in our mission of forward advancing our world.  I do shout outs on LinkedIn, Twitter, and on YouTube Live:

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[bewitching-elizabeth-olsen]

Press: Elizabeth Olsen does double duty in 'Wind River' and 'Ingrid Goes West'

  LA TIMES – Room 64 at the Chateau Marmont is possibly the most Instagrammable spot in L.A. Its wrap-around terrace is suspended just below the homes built into the Hollywood Hills, tiny glass boxes that form their own constellation when night falls. Rumor has it Howard Hughes once lived in this two-bedroom penthouse, spying on girls at the pool below, decades before Lindsay Lohan and Lady Gaga crashed here for a slumber party.

  Today, however, it is home to the actress Elizabeth Olsen, who has arrived at the hotel with a team of people to help beautify her. High-heeled sandals are lined up on a desk. There are multiple pieces of luggage containing makeup kits. She is wearing borrowed diamonds on her fingers, paging through the room service menu, from which she can order whatever she would like.

  It’s a scene, no doubt, that would incite lust among her half-a-million Instagram followers. But she doesn’t feel like she knows how to do the setting justice. Just this morning, she attempted to photograph her breakfast, but then ended up deleting the image in haste.

  “I’m bad at it,” she says. “I’m bad at the lighting. I’m bad at the framing. I’m bad at the editing. When I look at my food, it looks pretty. When I look at it on a phone, it looks not pretty.”

  This is not a problem that her character in “Ingrid Goes West” would have. In the dark comedy — one of two films the 28-year-old is starring in this August — Olsen plays Taylor Sloane, a social media influencer who has established a reputation as the quintessential California cool girl. She tools around in a vintage Mercedes, is perennially reading Joan Didion’s “The White Album” and spends her weekends at a Joshua Tree abode. When she photographs her breakfast — avocado toast, obvi — it always looks pretty.

  Matt Spicer, who directed the film, felt certain that Olsen could embody this kind of aspirational figure. Sure, he was a fan of her acting, but he’d also noticed how often she popped up on best-dressed lists. She also had proximity to the style world via her sisters, the twins Mary-Kate and Ashley, who run two of their own fashion lines.

  “She has a natural charm and likability to her, which isn’t something you can really teach,” he says. “She’s one of those girls that other girls look up to. Since we did the movie, I think I’ve gained 1,000 Instagram followers that are just Lizzie fan accounts.”

  And for the most part, it appears that those fans gravitate to Olsen due to who she is off-screen. Even though she’s been part of the hugely popular Marvel universe for two years — playing the reality-altering Scarlet Witch in “The Avengers” and “Captain America” films — most headlines about her still tend to relate to her style choices. A quick Google search of her name turns up five Daily Mail articles from July alone, nearly all centered on her clothing.

  But Olsen has been steadily building up a respectable film resume since emerging as an “it girl” at the Sundance Film Festival in 2011, where her performance in “Martha Marcy May Marlene” signaled the arrival of a formidable new young Hollywood talent. A couple years later, she completed her acting studies at New York University’s Tisch School of the Arts and began taking roles in movies from bigger filmmakers, including Spike Lee (“Old Boy”) and Gareth Edwards (“Godzilla”).

  Then Marvel came calling — a huge coup for Olsen, who grew up watching action-heavy flicks from the Indiana Jones and James Bond series with her father in Toluca Lake. But participating in the superhero franchise has also meant turning down a number of projects that could have shown off more of her acting ability — including a role in Yorgos Lanthimos’ critically acclaimed “The Lobster.”

  “There have been things more in line with the career arc I’d like to create that I had to turn down due to scheduling conflicts,” she explains. “You want to create a personal canon.”

  That’s what she’s hoping to bolster this month with “Ingrid Goes West” (Aug. 11) and “Wind River,” which debuts Aug. 4. The two movies, to put it mildly, are incredibly different. “Wind River,” which earned filmmaker Taylor Sheridan the top directing prize in the Cannes Film Festival’s Un Certain Regard section in May, is a dark murder mystery. Olsen stars opposite her “Avengers” co-star Jeremy Renner as a rookie FBI agent sent to Wyoming to investigate the death of a local woman on a remote Native American reservation.

  The role would require the actress to train with a veteran law enforcement officer and learn how to shoot a gun — opportunities she relished. She was more worried about flying to Park City, Utah, for production, because she hates the cold and high altitude.

  “So I bold-faced lied to her and said, ‘We’re not shooting high and it’s not cold there,’” Sheridan recalls with a laugh. “I knew it would be, which was one of the things I loved about it — you can see it on her face in the movie that she really doesn’t like the cold. But she overcame it.”

  The director, who nabbed an Oscar nomination for writing “Hell or High Water” and also scripted “Wind River,” cast Olsen long before Renner. He says he wanted her from the “very, very, very beginning” because he responded to an “essence of confidence” she exuded — a certain kind of toughness. “There’s a blue collar element to her, which I mean as a compliment,” he explains. “That’s how grounded she is, and maybe it’s because she grew up with [Hollywood], she’s able to see it for what it is.”

  Renner, who plays a local U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service agent who takes Olsen’s character under his wing, admits he put off reading Sheridan’s script for months. (Chris Pine was originally cast in the role.) Eventually, the actor decided to sign onto the film because he wanted “to work with Lizzie in a different way — in a real way.”

  “Here, I got to observe somebody working in a very different capacity — with more emotional intelligence, not just being in a costume and the whole thing,” the actor says. “She had to be pretty bad-ass with a handgun, I’ll tell you what — and that’s coming from a guy who knows how to use a lot of weapons.”

  “Ingrid Goes West,” of course, didn’t require quite as much prep — though Olsen did start a secret Instagram account, following women like lifestyle guru Jenni Kayne, fashion blogger Aimee Song and Who What Wear founder Hillary Kerr for inspiration. Spicer encouraged her to start posting her own photographs, which she did: one of a crusty baguette with dipping oil, another of some Diptyque candles. (“Those first ones were a little bumpy,” the director says with a laugh. “Like, food that doesn’t quite look as appetizing as it should, or sunsets. Very obvious starter photos.”)

  Then, this winter, Olsen decided to bite the bullet and start her own public page.

  “I decided to join because I realized I was only taking something away from myself,” she explains. “It’s so funny that people like to pretend that they’re maybe or maybe not getting paid to post something. Financially, it’s a brilliant opportunity. Like, I’d really love to be a brand ambassador. I’d love to do a campaign. I think sometimes working with brands or different cosmetic companies — that can help people recognize your face and then they go see your movies. I was only hurting my opportunities by not participating.”

  While some young Oscar winners like Jennifer Lawrence and Emma Stone have held out on joining the platform, it has increasingly become commonplace for even serious actor types — Anne Hathaway, Brie Larson, Shailene Woodley — to open up on social media. Before, Olsen says, she was “being old-school about it” — something she learned from her sisters, who she acknowledges are “notoriously private people.” But even they supported her launching an Instagram account. And besides, she’s not good at being “super mysterious.” She’s too chatty for that. Plus, there are plenty of accounts she wants to keep stalking.

  “There are so many times I’ve seen a picture and thought, ‘Oh, God, how do they make those flower arrangements look so great all the time?’” says Olsen, who recently bought her first home in L.A. and is decorating it with an aesthetic she describes as Diane Keaton’s Hamptons beach house in “Something’s Gotta Give.” “Or: ‘How expensive are those chairs I’m looking at on Pinterest? Did they find them at some place I’ve never heard of? How do you have that kind of eye?’”

  The rest of the photoshoot is posted in the gallery.

    Gallery Link:

Studio Photoshoots > 2017 > Session 017

  Press: Elizabeth Olsen does double duty in ‘Wind River’ and ‘Ingrid Goes West’ was originally published on Elizabeth Olsen Source • Your source for everything Elizabeth Olsen

[cosmosogler]

hi guys! did you know, that if you do what a doctor tells you to do, like wear prescribed glasses, then you start to feel better? i learned that today.

i actually had horrible dreams last night. well, the first one was awful. i dreamed that eve’s leg disintegrated... tumors bubbled out from her leg and the fur and skin boiled away and then there were bones and then there was nothing. i startled awake and i must have made some sort of noise. i was laying on my back, which was weird, but also, eve was pretty much on top of my foot. 

then i had dreams about normal weird things. i have no idea how to describe what transpired. it wasn’t... relentlessly grim, i guess, at least? i really can’t... it was at the mountain village. there was, like, a protest going on? or maybe it was a theater act? there was something about it that made it really clear that it was supposed to be an act, but i got the feeling they weren’t really acting.

i was supposed to be an “animal,” but when i looked in the mirror, it was just me, which was really disorienting. i could clearly feel that i had different body parts and only one eye, but my reflection was just normal. it’s not normally normal...

anyway after that i was really parched and didn’t feel like going back to sleep so i just got up the first time my alarm went off at 9. i noticed my brother was still asleep, and i wanted to swim, so i waited for him to wake up so i could invite him. at around 10:15 i got bored of waiting and got up for some breakfast. then i woke him up and he didn’t want to swim. so i just went by myself. i made sure to spray wiley with the hose before i hopped in at least. mother joined me and told me a bunch of really obvious things about eve that she seemed to think i hadn’t thought about or noticed? like that her leg is hurting her. i went inside and showered before i got sunburnt which was nice.

i put on a skirt and a nice shirt because i felt like it. then i hung out on the computer for a while. mom made the last of my soy products into a sandwich for lunch. it was either try the brand i hadn’t previously liked or have mac and cheese yet again. the quorn thing turned out ok though. then i went through my previously-liked music on youtube and either downloaded it or found out where to buy it, and found some custom album art, and updated my ipod again. i also wore my glasses which actually did help with the headache a lot. i think it made me grind my teeth unconsciously a little less too because my jaw doesn’t hurt nearly as bad. 

then i went and picked up asher and we went to see wonder woman. i had a few problems with the movie but mostly it was really solid and i liked it a lot. i really appreciate that there’s finally a super hero movie starring a woman that isn’t a total mess.

i somehow acquired welts along my left arm over the course of the movie. along with the stronger than usual nausea and illness from the theater food, it made me pretty miserable for the second half of the movie. they cleared up pretty fast once we got outdoors though. on the way home dad really stepped over the line with asher. we were talking about, like, historical accuracy and weird anachronisms like wonder woman having shaved legs and armpits. that trend didn’t really start until world war 2 if asher’s history is correct. dad got super weird about it and asher mentioned that he doesn’t shave. and dad was all, “you should.” all aggressive-like. i watched asher but i really didn’t want to get in a fight with dad... 

i feel like a coward. but also, with my parents i really need to pick my battles. but i should have picked that battle. what’s wrong with me? i just sat and watched while one of my friends got, well, harassed. is that the kind of person i am?

i’m so terrified of the consequences of acting on my anger toward my parents that i’ve become very passive. and, normally it’s whatever, because i just want to keep my head down and get through my financial hurdles. but... why did dad think it was necessary to start ragging on my friend about his body hair? shaving isn’t really a hygiene thing. it might make you LOOK cleaner, but it doesn’t actually make you cleaner. unless it’s like super thick beard hair with gunk stuck in it. but leg hair doesn’t... it doesn’t matter. it shouldn’t matter. am i really just going to let him attack my friends like that? am i going to be like that forever?

i need to make better choices. i know they’re not always safe choices... and it would require playing with my cards less close to my chest. right now it seems like safety is more important than doing the right thing. and that bothers me. especially considering the self destruction thing. 

i’m not... afraid of physical pain. i don’t care if he or mom hits me at this point, not really. but i am very afraid of being cut off. not just financially. i could MAYBE make it work at this point by myself. but cut off as in kicked out of the family. having my computer broken. not being allowed to use the car. having lies told about me to my siblings and cousins. i wouldn’t be covered by dad’s insurance and i NEED these medications to not die. 

i can’t tell if that should be more important than supporting my friends or not. how am i supposed to protect other people when i can’t protect myself?

asher and i hung out at the house for a while and played with eve and wiley and talked about art. then we piled into the car for dad to drive asher home. sometime during the drive my eyes started really hurting. like, dry and stuck. they still don’t feel better. dad and i stopped at the grocery store and i picked up some bagels. i need to head over to the grocery store again tomorrow to get some stuff to make for dinner the next few days. and also get my glasses’ endpieces tightened a bit because they keep slipping down my nose. and also drop some more stuff off at the bank. 

i guess i should do some therapy stuff and also look at some physics. my classmates want to start doing voice calls. i am extremely nervous about it. i should eat something, because i didn’t really have much at the movies, but it’s almost midnight and i shouldn’t eat right before bed... i might do it anyway. i don’t want to try to sleep with my stomach totally empty. for the last six hours i just haven’t felt like eating anything. like i’ll be hungry, and then i’ll think about what i should try eating and i will immediately stop being hungry as soon as i try to look at my options.

i keep having dumb ideas. i try to put them out of my mind and they keep coming back. i just... want to share stuff with my dad or brother. my instinct is to try to be emotionally close with them. i want them to see how good steven universe is. i want them to maybe think about the choices they make while playing undertale. dad liked adventure time up until there was an episode with basically no jokes... we haven’t watched a single episode after that and that was toward the end of season 6. we had almost caught up... he never asks to watch it. he never asks to watch jojo either and he seemed to really enjoy it.

they are dumb ideas because i know they wouldn’t like steven universe or undertale or homestuck or soma. dad didn’t even talk about portal 2 after playing it. he didn’t react to the ending. my brother kind of hated the first one. i guess it didn’t have enough guns? he plays tons of first person shooters. like... slender.

i know they wouldn’t like any of these quirky/thoughtful/unique things but my instinct is still to desperately want these people to enjoy them. or... enjoy them with me, i guess. portal 2 is literally my favorite game and i just thought... it would be good to share it. but it was just kind of empty.

heh. one of my classmates in our graduate discord channel asked if my avatar was from homestuck. maybe this new community will be ok. maybe i won’t have to ask people to like things that i already like so i’ll have someone to talk to about it.

i miss my classmates at nau.

there are plenty of other things that i really like that i recognize aren’t... that good. i used to talk about those things with craig a lot. i thought he would understand. but, well, you know.

mass effect was good. it really was. i loved it. but i can’t play it any more. it was the only thing he wanted to talk about.

but the good things i love to share with people. i want them to see things they like, and find new things to like. and maybe also find new things to like that i already like so we can discuss it. and i can’t do that. i can’t share. it won’t work.

i had a good time with asher today. i’m glad he was willing to sit through a movie he’d already seen so i could see it with him. i’m so glad he wanted to talk about it afterward without shutting down the conversation with “you’re too picky” or “you’re too negative” or “why can’t you just enjoy the movie?”. or the dreaded “you’re too much.” 

tomorrow... i need to sit and take a serious look at some basic physics. i need to take stock of what i remember and don’t remember. and i need to get to a point where i am slightly less severely uncomfortable with the idea of talking to someone else about it. 

i guess, there’s more to it than just being socially anxious. intellectually anxious. it’s like... i’m a girl. i have physical “girl” characteristics. i know there’s more than one girl in our class but there’s not many. i’m automatically an ambassador for all women just by virtue of being uncommon. and if i’m not better than the guys, i will not be respected, and it will be a sign that they shouldn’t respect any woman’s intelligence. that’s how it works with male dominated spaces. if you’re a woman in science you can’t just be as good as the men. you have to be better. having the same credentials as a man, exactly the same, when applying for a job will give the man an automatic advantage. 

and... i can’t be better. i’m just an average student. i’m not the academic dreadnought i was in goddang third grade. actually my grades really suffered in christian school. and i struggled to catch up in middle school when we moved to a new place. i understand the material but test environments get me so rattled that i really can’t show anyone how much i actually understand, and failing my tests means i have no reference for how much i understand and how well. i’m even withdrawing during standardized tests, and multiple choice questions are what i am literally best at.

at least in a school environment i have more weaknesses than strengths. but you need to be academically solid to get that first job. and also to graduate. 

i choke whenever i show anyone anything. commissions were so stressful and i know my drawings then weren’t my best work. asking dad to watch the end of a game with me while i beat the last level (ten years ago), when i had beaten it multiple times, was a gauntlet of nervous mistakes. i could shoot arrows at targets just fine when the instructor wasn’t looking. but the moment he started giving us points based on performance i wavered.

and that performance issue is tangled up in a whole heap of dumb self esteem issues and subconscious locks and fears about not being able to win even when i do my best. i was... hoping i could work on that a little in therapy. i might not get to now. before i work on the test/performance anxiety i need to address the major self esteem issues. it’s not gonna help long term to treat a few symptoms and not the glaring error. just gonna burn out again.

i get a lot of mixed signals about my abilities. mom was pretty insistent on tying up my self worth with my ability to do math. to the exclusion of everything else (”you’re emotionally retarded” etc). she would say things like “you’re going to save the world” and talk to her friends/my doctors/literally everyone about what a math prodigy i was. it was never really about how hard i worked or any other skills i may have wanted to develop. and then when school got harder i didn’t get better at it to compensate. my grades are average at best. toward the end of high school my grades were not average. i barely pulled through my ib exams. at villanova my grades were not even below average. i could not understand calculus at all. i couldn’t figure out why i didn’t understand it or what kind of teaching style might suit me better. i started feeling really stupid.

and people still tell me how smart i am! but i’m not smart! the data is there!!! i am not always a fast learner, or even usually a fast learner. and now i’m too anxious to pick up much of anything...

i dunno. it’s 12:30, which is past my bedtime. i should be tired but i’m just kind of electrified. even though my eyes still hurt. i don’t really have anything else to say right now, but i don’t want nightmares...