#brain fog is thick and I feel like I'm forgetting a lot of things I also wanted to write

[dire-kumori]

2 ways i'd continue with the whole time is breaking lots of evil robots Idea. (This is not me saying you should end the AU!! I just like sharing my ideas-)

Normal idea: The Afton siblings work together and kill the reaper along with scrap trap and scrap baby. I don't know why but I imagine that Elizabeth and Evan fire a bunch of fireworks directly into the reaper's chest and then they explode and he explodes- The reaper is killed and like everything goes back to normal basically- Michael wakes up and begins his life with no reaper... Maybe everything goes the way it's supposed to maybe it doesn't... Maybe things will be better this time...?

Crackpot idea: Okay so I'm gonna sound insane but... What if instead of teaming up with scrap trap... scrap baby actively tries to help her pass self and the other Afton siblings? Like roll reversal (Mike's the rampaging murderer and Elizabeth is The one trying her best to make up for past mistakes) Anyway team up happens, Mike get one-on-one withh the reaper. the reaper goes on this long monolog about how: "You honestly think that killing me will stop all of this? No matter what you do our dad's always gonna be a b******, we're always going to be a terrible son and everything we care about will always fall to pieces..." Somehow The reaper, Mike and scrap trap are all kind of in a room together... scarp trap attacks past Mike in his anger and nearly kills him. Reaper realizes how terrible he's been watching his father nearly kill his past self (he's turned into the thing he's hated most) Saves past Michael. Kind of breaks the cycle and time sort of fixes itself... Everything from the future is mostly sent back. (A couple things are still in the past-) Including adult Michael and scrap baby. They basically warn their past selves not to trust their dad and then just leave. Planning on finding something better... Theaften siblings are left confused mentally scarred and miraculously alive. All of them agree that no matter what they're not turning into those things.. This one is more of just a branch off idea- Again very crackpot..

Normal idea:

We bring in the new year with fireworks. Marking the end of the time loop with fireworks feels only too appropriate!

Normally the Reaper can track Mike wherever he goes, but with the appearance of countless time traveling animatronics, not to mention multiple iterations of Michael Afton, the Reaper's memories are becoming disjointed and confused. He's lost his biggest weapon, and the Afton siblings are finally able to gain the upper hand. Springtrap and Scrap Baby and the Reaper all close in on the house, hunting each other and hunting young Mike. There's a big argument, but eventually Mike convinces them that he should be the bait to lure the monsters into a trap. While Michael leads them into the basement, Evan and Elizabeth prep the fireworks outside.

I'm gonna gloss over the long, arduous battle, the Scraps brawling with Reaper and the Reaper brutalizing young Mike, young Mike barely escaping by the skin of his teeth, drenched in his own and the Reaper's blood as he crawls out of the house. Long story short, monsters are trapped inside, tearing one another apart in a gory display while the Afton children put an end to this nightmare in a show of sparks and flame. They sit and watch their childhood home burn, and feel a sense of peace as time crumbles around them.

When they next wake up, it's at the side of a small pond in a black and red world.

Crackpot idea:

This makes for a pretty interesting idea! Okay, I'm gonna say that Scrap Baby still starts out following Scraptrap, still determined to earn her father/creator's love. But as her pursuit of the Reaper leads her to the Afton kids, she comes across that girl. The one from her memories/nightmares. The one whose voice she can sometimes still hear, screaming. Baby freezes. Long enough for Elizabeth and her brothers to get away from Scrap Baby. When he finds out that she let them escape, Scraptrap is furious with Scrap Baby. He makes sure to let her know what a disappointment she is before he resumes his own hunt.

The shock of seeing her past self has caused Elizabeth's soul to awaken inside of Scrap Baby. She begins to remember. And slowly, she begins to break free of Circus Baby's murderous programming. Suddenly the Afton kids gain a powerful new ally in the fight against the Reaper.

And she's not the only one. I didn't touch much on it earlier, but the other animatronics, even as they're going berserk, won't harm children. Kids all over town are being ripped away from their parents, adults left in bloody heaps in the streets as the animatronics sequester the children somewhere 'safe.' Of the animatronics, only a select few seem to have any sense of reason. The Puppet watches the carnage and weeps, searching for the cause of it. She knows on an instinctive level, that William and the Aftons are involved. And as she chases down Scraptrap, she discovers the newly awakened Scrap Baby, and soon the Afton children, sticking together and trying to survive in this hellscape.

Fast forwarding again, sadly, this ends with everyone being forced to say goodbye. Once time resets, nothing that shouldn't physically exist in 1981 (that's when I'm saying this takes place now, even though I never specified before) remains. Only thoughts and memories. To the Afton kids, this whole event will become one long, particularly vivid nightmare. To Scrap Baby, the Reaper, the Puppet and all the others, it's the end of the world. The future in which they come to be is erased, despite time resetting, as although nothing physically remains out of time, the event still leaves psychic scars on the Afton kids. For Mike in particular, this event lingers as a particularly vivid dream he never fully forgets, though it does fade in time. Michael, Elizabeth, and Evan aren't the same kids they were before the Reaper entered their lives, and they don't make the same choices or mistakes that they might have without his intervention.

[lambsearandlavender]

Epilepsy/seizure whump ideas idk??

I really like whump/sickfic & comfort fics and, as a person being diagnosed with epilepsy, there's not nearly enough good seizure whump/comfort fics. And what is out there is usually grand mal seizures which, don't get me wrong, I get that they're the big dramatic ones and stuff but there is so much more to seizures or epilepsy that's been unexplored here. So I want to like... share some of my personal experiences in the hope of spreading awareness and also seeing more fics in which I can imagine my comfort characters taking care of me in situations I actually deal with irl 😅

Biting teeth together in sleep so hard that they chip; slowly having one front tooth get a series of small chips along the bottom and needing to cope with the dip in self image. Not wanting to smile with your mouth open anymore. Being afraid of chipping your teeth more in your sleep

Biting tongue and cheeks in sleep so hard that they bleed. Waking up with blood in your mouth, all over your face, on your sheets and pillows

For 3 years I had seizures in my sleep but didn't KNOW that was what was happening. What I knew was that I periodically woke up with stroke-like symptoms: dizzy, slurred speech, everything felt like I had to push through an incredibly thick fog in my brain to do it, difficulty thinking at all, difficulty forming sentences, falling over, balance issues, crashing into things. Trying to pick something up and my hand would swing out wildly and knock the thing over instead. Working so hard to pick it up and then my muscles just giving out so I drop it anyway. Walking like I was drunk. Doing everything really really slowly because it was so hard to think, move, or speak at all. Being too weak to lift anything. This lasts 15 minutes to several hours/all day. I often have to sleep it off. Recovering from a seizure is no fucking joke and when you can't remember the seizure, you just wake up like that and it's scary and confusing

Waking up feeling like the world is spinning in circles, rolling like a ship at sea, and shaking violently all at once, and my eyes are also moving uncontrollably (nystagmus is the medical term) so it LOOKS like I'm in an earthquake yet I know that the world isn't moving and it's something wrong with me. Curling into a ball squeezing my eyes shut, waiting 2-3 minutes for it to stop. This will happen several times in one night. These are partial seizures, which you are conscious and aware during.

The general concept of aware seizures where you know full well what's happening but you're not piloting your body and all you can do is wait

Twitching or going rigid in your sleep as you seize, possibly waking your partner. Or knowing you had a seizure and they slept through it; both happen lol

Constantly waking up in the middle of the night dizzy and brain foggy, realizing you've probably had a seizure, going back to sleep hoping you'll be able to function by morning

Some seizures have no warning and others are preceded by an aura. Auras can have tons of symptoms including but not limited to nausea, dizziness, hallucinations of all senses (so not just seeing things, but also hearing/smelling/feeling things), a sense of impending doom out of nowhere, and strong sense of deja vu

Having an aura and being on edge waiting for the seizure to happen. But sometimes it doesn't and the aura IS the seizure bc they are actually like a, idk, smaller but longer lasting pre-seizure seizure. Idk what to tell ya that's how it is

Some folks think they're psychic or haunted or just plain going crazy due to the deja vu and hallucinations until they know it's seizure related

Speaking of, legitimately being told that you're possessed by demons and need to repent at least once a month by some random stranger

Days that you recovered mostly from a seizure but your brain just isn't all there. Forgetting entire important conversations from the day before, or just needing a lot more time to think through and comprehend something that's normally easy for you

Seeing the mix of concern, annoyance and frustration, and just plain making fun of your memory loss from the people around you

Waking up frozen in a weird position mid seizure, or waking up with one body part having its own lil dance party while you seize and otherwise can't move

The Epileptic Scream where you make a weird fucking scream or moan as your lungs seize and force all the air out all at once. I hear this is a pretty scary sound to the people who live with us, I've heard myself do it a few times and it is a pretty strange sound plus it gets tied up with the trauma of your loved one seizing

Having a new weird thing happen and not even knowing if it might be a seizure or not

Being told you can't do things bc you might seize....drive, swim, etc...being told you should have someone monitor you even in the shower and stuff just in case so a loss of privacy and independence until your seizures are "under control"

You know what can trigger seizures? STRESS. Also lack of sleep. Go crazy with that.

You know what stresses me out? Seizures. Which are triggered by stress. And you know what happens when I'm really stressed and anxious? I can't sleep. Some nights I'm so sure I'll have a seizure that I'm AFRAID to go to sleep. Except, the not sleeping also makes me have a seizure. And I know it. So I'm stressed about it...........

Having a really stressful day and just KNOWING a seizure is gonna happen because of it and preparing yourself for it as best you can

Days my face just can't stop twitching really severely. Well, just my mouth and lips. All day. It's embarrassing. Trying to drink something and your lips start going really extra twitchy and everything dribbles out. Fuckin sucks. Are they seizures? Auras? We don't know 🤷‍♀️

"I don't know" just comes with the territory

Miss a dose of your seizure meds? Instant seizure.

Seizure meds often cause severe mood swings (of the angry or depressed variety), serious weight gain or loss, things like hair falling out... but hey if your seizures are controlled maybe you can drive and swim and stuff and also the not having seizures part of course. So it's worth it I guess? But if you have mental health issues already lol good luck

Canceling plans because you're really tired and you know going out already tired will just lead to a seizure

How do they diagnose you? They hook you up to a bunch of electrodes and then try to trigger you to have a seizure on purpose

Just, hitting your head if you fall during a seizure is such a massive issue

SUDEP...sudden unexpected death in epileptic persons. Yeah, sometimes people with epilepsy just randomly die in their sleep (presumably while seizing). If your seizures are uncontrolled (not medicated to no/few seizures), you're at much higher risk

Take a guess how this affects my anxiety about sleeping while I'm still unmedicated

Also every person in my life acts like either my life is over and so tragic (huge overreaction) or like absolutely nothing has changed and have no empathy for it at all (my life isn't over but it is changing a lot and this stuff is scary, so can I get a LITTLE sympathy, please?)

I'm super duper not an expert on epilepsy, just a gal who did a lot of research and talking to other epileptics and taking notes about my own experience... but I'm really happy to chat about it or answer more questions (or if I'm wrong about something/someone knows more than me, I'm really wanting to learn so please feel free to correct me!)

[mwolf0epsilon]

Whumptober Day 14: Die a Hero or Live Long Enough to Become the Villain

Prompt: Desperate Measures

Warning: Mentions of Cannibalism

Summary: Lichtenberg knows what desperation tastes like.

[Umbara has left deep scars in many clones. Talking about it doesn't come easily...]

THIS STORY IS ALSO ON AO3

---

You know this is going to sound a little strange, but there's a lot I can't remember about the campaign itself. Not the beginning of it, not the moment it started going wrong, and definitely not the moment I collapsed.

Most of it is just... Strangely blank...

Like someone cracked open my skull, shoved their hands deep inside of my head, and scrambled everything until it all become one big blurry stain.

What I do remember is waking up after. Hard not to wake up when something was gnawing on my leg, trying to get through my armour like I was a giant crab ready to be de-shelled. Like I was a clone-shaped seafood dinner. Delightfully picked up by one of those... Those things... With the green eyes and the huge claws.

I can still remember the way it sounded. The way its teeth felt against my thigh...

It was dark. Granted that everywhere on Umbara, even the places where there were lights, was dark. And not just because it was hard to see, but the way it felt as well. Like there was a deep dense and very cold fog trying to choke us out.

When it wasn't the animals or the plants (yes even the plants were trying to kill us) trying to have a go at us, it was the environment itself that proved to be a challenge. Kind of made sense why we never saw any of the shadow people without helmets. I think they must have known something we didn't about the air. Tasted off.

Lots of things tasted off. The plants, the animals, the water... I got sick a lot, in between the moments where I'd find discarded supply boxes that got left behind. Mostly because I... I guess I tried to eat what the land had to provide?

Fat good it did me... Nothing stayed down.

Nothing but the rations. And what little water remained in canteens I pulled from stiff fingers. Never got easier seeing another dead brother, but their emergency gear was mouth watering to some degree. I think I even quilted myself a coat out of ruined campsites. Torn tent tarps, ripped up sleeping bags, even those really shiny blanket things that medics carry.

There was plenty of stuff to warm myself up... But eventually the food that the 501st and 212th left behind ran out.

I was an idiot. I thought if I tried to get used to the animals I could take out with my blasters that, eventually, I'd be able to stomach their meat. Ended the same as the first times.

My stomach never got used to them, and I wasted so much heat trying to hunt... I don't know how the Umbarans can survive on their forsaken little hellhole of a planet...

All I know was that I was hungry and thirsty.

The water I was drinking tasted awful even after I boiled it, but at least that stayed down. Keeping hydrated is... It's important. The medics at least drilled that into this thick skull of mine. But I knew it wouldn't be enough to keep me alive. Eventually I'd need to eat, or else...

Damned clone metabolism. Damn it all to sith-hells.

I got desperate. I got desperate and... And even if the rations were gone, the GAR had left something else behind. Something plentiful. Something still relatively fresh because of how cold the planet was.

Couldn't hunt the beasts, but I sure could out-compete them...

Taking our armour off is muscle memory. Some of us do it in a specific order. I always did it in a specific order. Never done it to another brother before... I think that's what really screws with my brain you know... The fact I... I was...

De-shelling corpses. Like you'd de-shell a crab.

Clone-shaped seafood dinner. I became the thing that gnawed on the leg. Sometimes I wonder how my teeth feel raking over someone else's thigh... Not great I imagine. Makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it.

I know what desperation tastes like... And no matter how hard I try to forget, it doesn't go away...

I'm a monster. Umbara. The dark. It's made me a monster.

I need to keep the dark at bay. I can't do what I did back there. I can't let myself be that ever again. I just can't... I can't...

-

Xabe listened with a heavy heart as Lichtenberg finished the macabre retelling of his harrowing experiences. She'd offered to listen, when she'd noticed the rising tension between the three brothers.

When she'd seen how close he'd been to breaking point, and how much he'd refused to speak to anyone about whatever had been eating away at him so much.

She'd asked Sponge about him. She'd asked if they knew what this was about. They hadn't know. Lich always deflected their questioning. And for a moment... Sponge had looked just as outwardly worried as she felt. Seeming unsure of whether or not they could help their fellow clone at all.

So she'd taken matters into her own hands. And ancestors forgive her... But she had not been prepared for just how haunted this man really was.

Just how afraid of himself, how burdened with guilt, he really was.

How did you console someone that had to do something of such a heinous nature just to survive? How did she help him reconcile with himself, when it was so clear he was unwilling to forgive himself?

Xabe did not know... But she'd give him one thing at least. Someone to turn to, to let him speak and process.

A kindness he'd gone without for too long.

"And... That's that..." There was no sadness to be found in those blue eyes of his. Face blank, twisted lightning arch scarring stamped on his face almost neatly. Lichtenberg looked empty. A hollow man. "You know what I did now... Are you happy now, that you decided to try to help me?"

"..."

"I don't imagine you are... You thought you could fix it..." Lich chuckled darkly, eyes gleaming with something unreadable. "You can't... You can't take back what I did to stand here today. I can't either..."

"You didn't have a choice."

"I did. Eat my brothers or die." He snapped back. "Die a man, or live as a monster..."

"You're not a monster."

"99% of clones would disagree if they knew." He looked away in shame. "Loyalty to your kin... It's... It's sacred to us. The only sacred thing in our lives... And I defiled that..."

"Anyone in as desperate a situation would have done the same." There were tales, older than she, older than her clan, older than time itself, of instances like this.

No matter how advanced the civilization, no one could escape what the will to survive could make you do. Living with the guilt was always the issue.

"If they knew what I did, PB and Olly would hate me..." Lich shook his head. "Force gods... They'd hate me. My baby brothers would hate me. I can't..."

His fingers tug at his own locks. Rake mercilessly over his scalp. He's scared and alone, agonized and disgusted at himself. Looks so small despite being a fully grown man. She feels bad for him.

"I can't... I can't stand them arguing all the time... I... It makes me so angry!" Lich cried out in dismay. "We're together again... We survived, we're... Isn't that enough? Shouldn't that make it worth it? But they're... They're not happy and I'm... I'm scared. I don't want to lose them but, but if this keeps up I'm gonna lose them anyway! And I can't!"

"..."

"I can't... I can't I can't I can't..." He was rocking back and forward, lost in his own despair. Soft blue eyes stormy and dark even in the too bright lighting of her living room.

Umbara had truly left it's mark.

[bnha-butterfly]

Chapter 1: A Brand New Bodyguard

MASTERLIST   || Join the Taglist

Chapter warning: none

 Bakugou knows he is utterly fucked when he lays eyes on you. Sitting in a meeting with your father looking like something out of a magazine. Or at least you would have looked out of a magazine had it not been for the utter look of annoyance on your face. You seemed like you wanted to be anywhere but here and he could already tell you would be a handful. He walks in behind Enji, your father’s right hand man and comes to a stop in front of you. He can feel your eyes looking at him. They feel laser sharp and oppressive. He should have expected this type of coldness from the boss's kid.

“(Y/n) this is Bakugou, he’s gonna be your new private security detail. Try not to break this one yeah?” He hears your father say with an exasperated sigh.

“I make no promises.” Your voice is golden honey dripping off your tongue and if Bakugou didn’t think he was fucked earlier he knows its game over when he looks at you. Sees the smirk on your full lips and the look of mischief dancing just behind your eyes. Your expression says “ I have crushed men bigger than you” and he’s starting to wonder if being assigned as your security detail is punishment for fucking something up.

He watches as you stand up and check the time on your phone. Your lips quirk up into a smile. You stretch and let out a sigh. “Well I have an appointment to attend back at the house. I’ll have to talk with you all later.” You turn on your heels and head to the door, and he doesn't realize that he’s supposed to be following behind until you're already at the door with your eyes on him. “We don't have all day Mr.Bodyguard.”

 He falls in place behind you quietly. The soft noise of shoes on hardwood was all that filled the hall as you headed out to one of your fathers cars. You never understood why you needed a bodyguard. Yes, you were the child to the country's most notorious mafia boss. But, you weren’t some spoiled brat. You could shoot a gun as well as any of your father’s top men and to be quite honest you were the one really running the show. Your father was just being stubborn about officially handing everything over to you. But, you both knew you were the real one pulling the strings.

You step out of the abandoned looking warehouse that served as your fathers headquarters and towards the lavish looking black car that pulled up in the alley way. You stood in front of the car for a second. Turning your head and cocking your eyebrow at your new bodyguard. It took everything in you not to suck your teeth when your look was met with confusion? Okay, so nobody briefed him. Great. One more thing for you to do today.

 You opened the car door for yourself and settled in. Once the both of you were settled the driver started to make their way towards the place you called home. The utter silence in the car was thick and awkward. Seeing as you were heading into a rather important meeting you decided now would be the best time to brief him. You let out a soft sigh before shifting to face Bakugou to the best of your ability.

 “Let me guess nobody told you anything more than the fact that you're going to be my bodyguard. You weren’t briefed by Enji or anyone?” You know the answer but you ask anyway.

 “No. That dude Enji just approached me one day last week after a hit. Told me that I’d be your bodyguard for a while.” He says, voice deep and gravely. But, you're not focusing on his voice. You're too busy thinking about how you’re gonna have to rip Enji a new asshole for not briefing the blonde bodyguard despite having a whole week.

“Well I guess that's my job then apparently. Hi, the names (y/n) and I’m the ringleader of this circus we call the House of Thorns.” You extend your right hand out for a handshake.

 “Bakugou Katsuki. What do you mean you're the ringleader? Aren’t you just the boss's kid.” He asks as he shakes your hand. His palm feels warm against yours bordering on hot. Your (e/c) eyes come to meet his ruby ones.

 “Tell me the truth.. Is that what all you lower ranks take me for? The boss’s spoiled kid?”

 Something flashes in your eyes and Bakugou feels as his brain become clouded by a heavy fog. You watch his ruby eyes glaze over. A tell-tale sign of your quirk taking effect and you can’t help the smile that tugs at your lips. “Got him” you think.

 “Most of them, yeah. All the ones that haven’t met you or have only seen you from afar at least. You can’t really blame them tho. I mean whenever you’re at HQ you always look perfect. Not a single hair out of place. It’s hard to think that someone as delicate looking as you is anything else other than just another spoiled rich kid. Hard to imagine you in a tussle or a shoot out.”

 The words leave his mouth and he can feel the fog lift from his brain. Well he was dead. He just called the Boss’s kid spoiled right to their face. He waits for the screaming, for the anger only to be met with...laughter? You were struggling to suppress your laughter.

 “So that’s what those low rank pawns think, huh? I would say interesting, but that’s kind of expected from those types. And you can drop the tension in your shoulders. My quirk forces people to tell the truth. Wouldn’t make sense for me to get mad at what you said seeing as I pretty much forced you to say it.” You say as you settle back into the seat of the car.

 "However, let me get this one thing through your head. While my old man may be the official head of the house. I'm the one really running the show." Your eyes sparkle with something fiery behind them and Bakugou all but forgets how to breathe. So he just nods in acknowledgement of your words.

 "You'll see that firsthand soon enough though. I'll brief you after this meeting, just stand behind me and look intimidating. Although, I doubt you'll have trouble doing that."

A/N: A lot of readers personality is based off of Loretta Christiano from Gangsta. Tbh a lot of my general inspiration for this is based off of Gangsta. There’s a good chance that I’ll be doing some world building soon to really cement the setting.

Taglist: (if your name is bold I couldn’t tag you)

  @lilsparkyswife​

[cyanidefilledcandy]

Decided to try the ballet class again and actually made it through the entire session this time! 😄✌🏾

Truthfully though, I am struggling....and I don't mean physically (though that IS another annoyance and a big reason I couldn't finish last time). It's mostly mental though.

A big part of it is concentration and memorizing the moves, which has always been an issue when it came to me and ballet, but the older I've gotten the worse it has become. (And yes. Even when I started up again in my early 20s, it had gotten a LOT worse.....and in everything; not just ballet. So it's not something I can simply chalk up to age.) I don't know why, but it's like when she's explaining things and giving advice, it's like my mind just kind of blanks out completely. I can't even say it's wandering because there's nothing else on it besides how I'm trying to listen and it's just like my brain isn't processing any of it. :/

I saw a post on Reddit once and someone mentioned Brain Fog as a symptom of mental illness, you never hear about. And I know if it sounds cliche' these days, but honestly.....I felt so seen. And not alone. And not.....dumb.

A huge huge insecurity of mine is appearing stupid. I know for a fact that I'm not (in fact, when the [redacted] cult tried to recruit me, they mentioned my high IQ). But as a teen, I started getting depersonalization really badly, where I just always felt like I was in a dream. After my grandmother passed away, it's like my mind had woken up or came back to reality, but now it was in a constant fog.....a fog that's continued to day and has only gotten thicker. A fog where I forgot basic grammar and math rules, even though I legitimately used them everyday. A fog that causes me to stutter and forget words while speaking (why I've always preferred writing to speaking). A fog that straight up made me forget how talk a couple of times (and no that's not an exaggeration....I literally could not form words. A fog that got so thick to the point where a few years, I literally could not form thoughts.... something I still haven't fully recovered from.

Sorry. I went kind of on a tangent there....but it's so frustrating that this constant Brain Fog is keeping me from doing the things I love; not just dance, but drawing. Writing. Crafting... And I don't know what to do about it. I don't even know the cause, if I'm being completely honest. I've wracked my brain trying to at least get to the root of why, so that MAYBE healing is possible, but....

Another big factor is just my frustration in myself. I'm not an absolute beginner in ballet, but I've felt that way ever since I've started taking ballet as an adult. My teacher would go through simple steps and phrases and I just felt like a moron because I'd either forgotten what they were or just couldn't find them in my brain at all.

I know in reality, I've only done three years of ballet....and even that's pushing it...

It was an elective class (in place of PE) at my middle schools. 30 minutes to an hour a day, sometimes 5 days a week....sometimes only 3. And we never stayed on ballet long (maybe a month and half each school year) because my classmates were more interested in modern/hip-hop. So in truth, those three years, I was not properly trained to say I am knowledgeable in ballet.

I know that logically.

However, my Perfectionist nature hinders me as always....because I feel like I don't even know the basics. Because I feel like I should be able to get through a beginner class with no issue. Because everytime I make a mistake, my mind screams at me "This isn't hard! Why don't you know this?! It's a fucking plie'! You should know how to properly do one by now! You could do this a decade ago with no problem! What the actual fuck?!"

So, I get frustrated and immediately want to quit. (Have always been someone who would rather not try, than to try and fail. Like literally if I thought I would fail a test in highschool, I literally would just not even try and accept a flat 0 than to try and fail.)

And then also, I'm frustrated with myself because I'm over 30 and should be above all of this. It's like I'm going backwards in life. Even as a kid I understood that perfection wasn't a thing, in art, beauty, or anything else. And though I had my moments (such as having a full crying fit the first time I got a B on a PROGRESS REPORT), I've definitely gotten worse.

Besides my stomach (which though self conscious, I still fully accepted), I've never given a damn about my looks or what others thought of it. Now it's constantly on my mind.

I used to draw and draw and didn't give a damn because I liked doing it. Now, I'm terrified to even pick up a pencil because I know it's not going to be what I picture in my head.....and I'm just going to fuck up the perspective. Or the coloring. Or not get the pose exactly right. Or....

I'm just so sick of letting fear and brain fog holding me back from my creativity. I miss moving and creating. Doesn't have to be perfect. Doesn't have to get a ton of likes or comments. I just miss doing things. And with dance.....it used to be the one thing I could do where I legitimately didn't care about my body size or how I looked. I would dance randomly in the grocery.

I just want to get back to being that person.

*sigh* This wasn't where I was intended this blog post to go... (Word vomit, I suppose.)

......my point doesn't even make sense anymore, so....fuck it....

I just want to get out of this fog in my head and back to moving and creating without thinking. 😕

[stevishabitat]

One of my worst brain fog symptoms is losing words. I'll be talking and suddenly there's a word I need and I just can't remember it, or I can't get my mouth to say it. Sometimes I can use a synonym or find a way to describe it, but it makes me feel really stupid, and it's incredibly frustrating to not be able to express myself exactly how I want to.

Luckily, a huge amount of my job is very scripted, so I tend to do OK with that, although I'm slower, have to take more notes, and definitely not able to come up with creative and unconventional solutions like I can when my head is clear. And switching between tasks can be like moving through thick mud.

Also, forgetting to eat, drink, use the bathroom. Not eating makes the brain fog worse, but because interception is already hard for me, it's one of the first things that my brain loses when I'm struggling.

When I was pregnant and my brain fog was really consistently bad, and my physical needs were changing frequently and not meeting those needs was having immediate impacts on my health, I started setting timers to eat, drink, pee, pretty much everything. And I fall back on that a lot now.

B is for Brain Fog

Firstly, let me just say sorry for not posting in a while. As the topic of this post suggests, I’ve been struggling recently with several thing. Today though, I’m going to be talking about brain fog.

Have you ever walked into a room and forgot why you did so? Or maybe you forgot what you were about to say mid-conversation? That’s relatively normal if it only happens occasionally, as it’s easy to get distracted. However, if this happens a lot, like on a daily or even hourly basis, then you’re probably suffering from brain fog.

There are many different reasons that someone may have brain fog, but for me, it’s just yet another side-effect of living with IBD. Because of my IBD, my diet is a little complicated. This can lead to deficiencies (like anaemia, for example), which can lead to fatigue which in turn, can cause brain fog.

Brain fog is like walking into a room and forgetting why. Only, it happens all. the. time. You forget what you’re doing, why and even if you were talking to somebody. I’ve found myself stopping mid-sentence and realising that I can’t remember what I was just saying seconds before. I’ve also found myself forgetting what I’m doing (often at work) which can lead to me not completing tasks or making mistakes.

Because this happens so often, I’ve had to develop ways of dealing with it. And by that, I mean I write down everything. If my manager at work, for example, tells me to do something or change a bit of written work (which we are required to do to show we understand how to use the equipment), I make sure to write them down. I also try to do tasks in order so I’m less likely to forget something. I will then check with my manager that there is nothing I have missed. This usually works when my fog isn’t too bad but when it becomes worse, I struggle to remember simple things like my symptoms (if I’m speaking to a doctor) or what happened early that day. This is when writing things down does very little and I have to really think hard to recall things. Unfortunately, I don’t have a solution for this so it can look like I’m just really forgetful. Which is why it’s so important to talk about these issues. One of the things that I’ve found can help is to explain to the person you are talking to that you are experiencing a bit of brain fog and that you may need to be told things more than once. This lets them know what to expect from you and, hopefully, not get frustrated with you if you forget something or need things repeated to you. Never be scared to ask someone to repeat or rephrase something they’ve said.

Also, side note; having a chronic illness doesn’t automatically mean you’ll suffer with brain fog, and you don’t need to have a chronic condition to experience brain fog either. Just because someone else’s fog is denser, doesn’t make your irrelevant.