#bought myself and said she'd probably get in trouble for it but it didn't matter

[imissthembutitwasntadisaster]

People are kind because once my bag broke coming home from uni so I couldn't take the tube because I couldn't carry it all and my phone died and I had to load all my stuff into a taxi instead and the taxi driver was ok with driving me out into the country even though it meant she'd get basically no fares all the way back and she talked me through my awful panicky day for the whole ride and then I left my wallet on the floor of her taxi and didn't realise, and three days later I was about to take the train and I needed my wallet but I couldn't find it and I was about to absolutely lose it when I noticed a package. And the taxi driver she had remembered my name and found my address and sent it back to me. And she had paid extra to make it tracked post to make sure it wouldn't get lost in the mail. So the worst thing could have happened so many times (lost in the city with a dead phone and belongings spilled out on the street worst thing, losing my wallet and so my tickets and my train worst thing being afraid to ever take the train again frankly worst thing). But it didn't.

[6knotty6thotty6]

So a couple of months ago, I saw a YouTube video that was an audio recording of season 5, episode 6 of Bojack Horseman, “Free Churro.” In the episode, the main character, Bojack Horseman, spends 20 minutes giving a eulogy at his mother’s funeral. There’s one big problem though, his mother was an abusive bitch. His eulogy is him trying to contemplate what she meant by her drying words, “I see you,” and whether or not she loved him. As someone who has a dead parent who was abusive, this is probably my favorite episode of any show ever for how much it helped me understand my feelings. The comments section is filled with people sharing their pain with their abusive families, but one comment stood out to me above all the others by how raw and relatable it was. This comment was by a YouTuber named Moonstruck. At the bottom of this post is a link to her channel. Please support her. After reading this, she deserves a million subscribers. Also please watch Bojack Horseman. (I corrected some of the grammatical errors to make it easier to read)

Disclaimer: Child abuse, bullying, trauma, and mental health:

Moonstruck: 

This is a great monologue, but one part of it, in particular, really caught my attention was the 'grand gesture' bit.

When I was a kid, I read this book called "Chicken Soup for the Soul." There's a shitload of them. I don't remember which particular one it was. I hated the whole series because it's just someone profiting off a bunch of other people's stories rather than trying to write their own, in my opinion. 

Anyway.

This one story that I remember, the ONLY one I remembered,  was sent in by a little girl. She wrote about how her father never told her that he loved her. He never once, in her whole life, said the words "I love you." I don't remember her mom being mentioned, maybe she was dead; it doesn't matter. The point is her dad was basically an emotionless asshole. Well, one day, this girl gets sick. Really sick. Possibly on her deathbed sick. She wrote that one day she woke up to find a necklace sitting on her nightstand that had a pendant that looked like her dog. She said she held it to her heart and cried because that necklace said all the things her father never had.

I thought, "What a load of bullshit."

A cheap trinket doesn't make up for years and years of emotional neglect. Anyone can buy a thing and toss it your way. Hell, he didn't even hand it to her himself, just left it there for her to find if/when she woke up, then left her alone again to possibly die.

A lot of people say that actions speak louder than words, in cases like political protests and shit. While that's true, scenarios that this that girl are different. Gifts can never replace the words, "I love you."

When I was a kid, my father never told me he loved me. My mother didn't either, but she's a whole other kettle of fish. I would say 'my biological mother or father,' but I never got adopted ones, so who gives a shit. Anyway. My father was rarely around, and when he was, he just spent the entire time fighting with my mother and leaving again. He would do and say anything that could get him to spend less time in the house with her. With us. I can't blame him. If I could've left during those times, I would have. I tried more than once. I even earned the nickname 'runaway' from a family friend because of it. 

I was told that I was worthless as early as I could understand words. I don't know what it is about me that set my mother off, but she HATED me. I was always told how expensive I was to keep alive and how I wasn't worth it. If I dared ask for anything, she would remind me how much she spent just to keep me from starving to death and that it was too much already. On the rare occasion I was given something, it was so she could use it as a threat. She was like, "Sure, you can have that toy horse since we got your sister a real one, but you better behave or we'll give it to her and let her break it." Or "Oh, fine, we can keep this dog as a FAMILY pet (NOT YOURS), but if you do something we don't like, we'll take it away and kill it." 

Oh, yeah. I have a sister. She’s cut from the same cloth as our mother. I don't consider any of them family anymore. She was two years older than me. She was the "we should have stopped while we were ahead" kid. Anything she wanted, she got. 

"Mom, can I have an award-winning horse and expensive dressage lessons?"

"Sure!"

"Mom, can I have a car?"

"No problem!"

"Mom, can you pay for my ballet lessons?"

"Absolutely!"

She was the golden child. The one that could do no wrong and wasn't a mistake. Even after she totaled her car, got arrested for an underage DUI, and got pregnant three times in high school, she was still the good one. I never even asked to go to school dances, parties, or go out with the one friend I had. My sister liked to see me in pain. She'd tell our mom that I did things just to get me in trouble. Whether it involved blaming me for things she did or fabricating stuff, she'd say whatever it took to get my mother to beat me while she watched and laughed. Oh, yeah, our mom was BIG on physical punishment. I've been whipped with everything from a riding crop, a wooden paddle, spoons, and especially belts. Anything that was close at hand when my mother got irritated, I've been hit with it. 

At one point, my sister had three tall, beautiful show-worthy horses. I was allowed to keep a sickly old pony for all of a week before she was taken away, then I'd get called ungrateful for asking why we had to get rid of HER instead of one of the horses. Even though my mother said it cost too much to keep them all. With horses being obviously too rich for my blood, I asked for something cheaper, and for once, I got it. I was given a baby goat that one of our neighbors' goats had abandoned for being too weak, and they didn't have time to raise. I loved that goat. I bottle raised him, and named him Ben. He was my best friend for a while. When he grew up, he got so big that I was able to stand on his back to grab tree branches and pull them down so he could eat the leaves. I walked him on a leash like a dog every day. I loved him so much. My mother had me enter him in a show, and we won ninth place! I was thrilled to have something to show against my sister's collection of dressage show ribbons. I finally had proof that I could do something right! Sure, the prize money was taken away from me, but I still had Ben.

But Ben didn't come home with me after the show. It turns out he was sold to a slaughterhouse because that show was for meat goats. I didn't know until he was already gone. Of course, my mother punished me for being upset and even forced me to write a thank-you card to the people who bought his meat. 

My mother was always like that. Anything I loved was used as a threat. I eventually accepted that loving anything was a waste of time. I learned to detach myself from my feelings, and I got really good at it. I can completely turn off my emotional reaction to anything. One time I had to put down one of the egg-laying hens at work that got too sick to save, and I felt nothing while bringing down the ax. When I lost out on a job that could have changed my life, I told myself how stupid it was to hope for anything good. Any positive emotion I felt got me punished, so I learned to feel nothing at all. To this day, I still have trouble feeling things, even when I want to. I'm taking pills now, and they help, sometimes. 

I've had several suicide attempts. I keep a box of razor blades in my desk just to have them close. I got a tattoo of a heart with rainbows on my wrist. Partially for LGBT solidarity, but mostly to remind myself that there is still beauty in the world. I still struggle with wonder if I actually believe it or not. 

I've tried so hard to be a good kid. I never partied, never drank, never smoked even when the chances were there, and I would have greatly loved anything to make the pain stop or even just dull it a little bit. I was in the gifted and talented program at school and was able to graduate at fifteen. For a while, I was sent to a children's home where I was passed around to many people I didn't know, including a clown who I may or may not have actually been related to, until I eventually wound up out here where I am now. It's all pretty hazy, and the details get scrambled. 

It's been 10 years since I've had contact with my mother and sister. I can't even keep in touch with the one friend I had, even after I lived with her. She's tried to reach out to me, but I just… can't. I try, but I can't. Sometimes, I can almost pretend that my past wasn't real. It's just a hazy fog that isn't really there. I want to believe that if I don't allow something, or someone, who was part of that past, someone tangible and real, into my life again, then the fog will go away. This is why I can't do it. I know I'm a terrible friend. Ariel, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. You're better off without me in your life anyway. 

I typed all of this out because sometimes, about fifty dollars or so shows up in my PayPal from my father's email address. I don't know if it's from him or from her using his email, but it doesn't matter either way. The point is I know my mother is the one sending the money.

I know my mother likes to think she's a good person. She went to church every Sunday, and probably still does. She organized a lot of church events and participated in every church function. I had to be an altar server for several years until I aged out of it and was in the choir. She kept going to that church even after the priest got drunk, called me many horrible names in front of everyone, and was revealed to be a pedophile that raped a little boy at gunpoint. She probably still goes to that same church and organizes things. She likes being in charge. She likes having people look at her and say, "That there is a good person."

But are you, though, Mom? Are you really a good person? Were you a good person when you hit me? When you lied to me? When you laughed with my sister about how much I got hurt for things I didn't do? Were you a good person every time you told me you'd kill my cat or leave my dog at the pound? Were you a good person when you sold Ben to be eaten, knowing that I loved him? Were you a good person when you made me read "A child called It" and told me that you'd start doing the things in that book to me if I didn't behave? Were you a good person every time you told my father I was a liar whenever I tried to tell him what you were doing to me? Were you a good person when you told me I wasn't worth the cost of being alive? Were you? 

Fuck you, Mom! Keep your fucking money! A necklace on the nightstand isn't enough. A trinket can't heal years and years and years of abuse and hurt. You can't hide these scars under dollar bills. I hope you die alone. I know I probably will, but I don't even care anymore. I lost the ability to care thanks to you. You can't make up for the things you did and the things you didn't say now. Too little, too late! 

[punkscowardschampions]

Ava & James

Ava: It's probably a lost cause Ava: but I lost my bracelet when we went out Ava: I remember having it in the first club but not after that Ava: If you're in the 2nd again, could you ask? Ava: No doubt it's long gone but James: I'll ring, I know the owner James: but I'll need a description, I don't remember what it looks like Ava: Thanks Ava: [sends picture like oh hey remember this face] James: [a long enough pause for him to have been trying to find this bracelet everywhere and she probably thinks he's fucked off] James: sorry, no joy Ava: Oh, no worries Ava: Cheers anyway, like James: did you go anywhere after? James: you could've had it on longer than you think Ava: I've already rang Kings, in case I left it in the dorm or something but no luck there either James: none with uber either James: kept me on hold for ages to let me know they don't have it Ava: Ugh, sorry Ava: Don't worry any more on it, it isn't sentimental or anything like that James: it was kind of a helping hand honestly, youngest liked the music they played, a very impromptu lullaby from an unexpected source Ava: Well, who knew hold music was good for anything but rage quits Ava: Unless they're now having a really angry nap James: 😂 James: that'll more likely be me later Ava: If you're lucky, yeah? James: if it hasn't run out Ava: Surely not James: they've both got some kind of hangover detector James: I'm sure you can imagine Ava: I've spent enough time with my nephew to know Ava: No sympathy from a toddler James: indeed Ava: Look, I don't know if I should even bring it back up but I'm sorry for how things went down that night James: I don't get caught up in regrets, remember Ava: I remember Ava: But I didn't Ava: I don't have bad intentions or anything, that's not me James: you've not struck me as someone who does Ava: How do I strike you? James: It was agreed I'd need longer than an evening to answer that Ava: I suppose Ava: First impressions can still be a thing James: it was a good first impression Ava: I'm glad James: but you're also sorry? Ava: I can't be both? James: you can Ava: So, you aren't sorry Ava: but are you glad? James: I can't be Ava: Yeah Ava: that's why I can't not be sorry James: It's me who should be sorry Ava: That's up to you Ava: if you don't do regrets you don't James: my actions don't only affect me Ava: I know Ava: Well, you won't get any trouble from me, like I said, not about that James: there's a line drawn under it James: you won't get any from me either James: [lies because you know he's bought her a replacement bracelet so she'll literally get that like the next day, boy we see you okay] Ava: Okay James: it was fun while it lasted, don't beat yourself up any harder James: the big glasses were cute but you shouldn't have to keep them on indefinitely Ava: Jesus Ava: Don't you know you're meant to pretend you didn't see that James: but walking around with your eyes & mouth closed all the time is very exhausting & I haven't had my nap yet Ava: I also have no sympathy for you, idiot James: I think you have some, but I don't blame you for not wanting to give it to me Ava: Nope, none Ava: I promise Ava: no space in my head James: oh Ava James: you have my sympathies, in that case Ava: Don't James: you don't want them? Ava: Let's say I don't do sympathies James: understood James: they are easy to get weighed down in Ava: and so rarely sincere James: it's reminiscent of wearing wet clothes, people only really want you to take them off in order to spare themselves the puddles James: they ask you if you're cold but they care about their floors Ava: Exactly Ava: and floors are more important 'round here Ava: and anything resembling sincerity is as unsightly as a damp mark on your new carpet James: the content I'll require for my English degree is writing itself Ava: Is that what you want to do, really? James: it's a question that'll get answered as often as it's asked Ava: How often do you get told what you want then James: daily at least Ava: How often does it come close James: it has yet to Ava: Oh James James: you don't do sympathies James: please never change on my account Ava: It could be empathy James: but is it? Ava: We'd need another night James: how many more bracelets have you got to lose? Ava: 😂 Ava: What kind of Chelsea girl do you take me for? James: you heard me say it was a good first impression Ava: 😏 I'd take a bow but can't risk losing any more jewels today James: we'll pretend you really did Ava: If that's what you're into, II James: what kind of Kensington boy do you take me for? Ava: Won't be the first to have a #scandal James: no trouble, need I remind you Ava: Just hypothetical, obviously James: you just hypothetically wanna know what I'm into? Ava: I just hypothetically hit the nail on the head James: if that's what you think, Ava Ava: Go on then Ava: Are you even gonna hypothetically tell the truth though? James: where's a hypothetical lie getting me? Ava: Away from hypothetical shame if it's weird shit Ava: I'm not one for hypothetical judgment though James: I'm not one for hypothetical shame Ava: Soooo Ava: 👀 James: I don't know, truthfully James: I'd need a whole hypothetical life, I suppose Ava: Fair Ava: It's a pretty bait question anyway James: you have an answer though, I can tell Ava: Singular? Ava: How rude James: 😂 James: because one leads to another not because you're hypothetically uninteresting Ava: Yeah, that's right Ava: about to be so hypothetically fuming James: you can have as many hypothetical apologies as you have interests, okay? Ava: No need to change on my behalf, however hypothetical James: what makes you think a personality change would be required Ava: Apologies are awful close to regret James: I'm not saying them to myself Ava: Try it out then Ava: See if I'm into it James: I'm really sorry I had to leave Ava: Me too Ava: but I don't think I'm about it, so you don't need to mention it again James: if you don't want me to, I won't Ava: I figure you owe enough sorries to more important people Ava: I'm good, honest James: I'm happy to hear it James: & not looking to mess anything up for you, hypothetically or actually Ava: I know Ava: You haven't Ava: it isn't my business so you know, no obligation to answer Ava: but why did you get married so young? James: because I had a baby to raise that young Ava: Yeah James: I wanted to do something that would actually help, at least shut up our parents because there was no silencing all the horrible things everyone else was saying James: It wasn't fair to treat her suddenly like public enemy number 1, not for that Ava: That makes sense Ava: I can see the logic James: It was a mistake we both made, I couldn't just leave her to it James: but I don't know, maybe we'd have both been better off if we'd approached it differently James: as parents but not a couple Ava: Well, it isn't permanent Ava: You can still do that Ava: Co-parent, that's not leaving her to it James: She won't let that happen Ava: It won't be easy Ava: It's weighing up if the now is worse than how invariably shit divorce is James: every time I try to leave I'm not allowed to see or speak to them until I go back James: she gets everyone on her side, including my parents Ava: If you go through official avenues, she won't just be able to do that Ava: She can't say you're unfit because you're not Ava: That's so shit and Ava: not right James: but she'll get my daughter to say that she hates me & doesn't wanna see me by telling her that's what I'm saying, I know she'll turn them both against me long before anything gets officially sorted out James: last time I walked out she told Jay so many things that aren't true Ava: She'd say that to a kid? Ava: Her kid? Ava: what's wrong with her James: I've given up trying to figure out everything that is Ava: You can't do this forever Ava: You deserve better Ava: you don't get to fuck someone over because you have a kid with them, imagine it reversed, how much of a bad guy you'd be then, it's no different just because she's the mum James: I'll send them both away to school when they're older, but for now I have to do this Ava: How do you do it Ava: How have you lasted this long, never mind how long that will be James: I see my children every day, it makes everything else bearable James: & I know they need that Ava: Yeah Ava: They're the most important thing Ava: but you matter as well, you can't Ava: I don't know James: for better or worse, right? Ava: You don't get to pick one each though, like James: I made my bed, Ava James: everyone told me not to marry her but I did Ava: 'cos you thought it was the right thing Ava: it shouldn't function as a lifelong punishment James: I never thought it was right James: I just wanted to be a better dad than I've got James: & that was the only way she'd let me Ava: That's a good reason Ava: even if it turned out not to be the best idea James: bad ideas have been around longer than she has James: I can't remember when I last had a good one James: I'd have been younger than you Ava: It's hard to make them when you have to commit to the worst, like Ava: you've gotta do something for you Ava: just 'cos you wanna Ava: or you'll lose it James: I will if you'll meet me for coffee James: I wanna see you again Ava: Okay Ava: I'd like to see you too James: tomorrow? Ava: I can do that Ava: What time, I have lunch at 1 or I can do after 5 James: lunch works Ava: Cool Ava: Looking forward to it James: I am too Ava: 😊 James: [when you're gonna have to go so far away for your date so you don't get spotted lol] Ava: [honestly should defs say its a school day so you ain't getting back for afternoon classes but that's not so wild anyone is like hello??? but start the sneaking as you mean to go on] James: [literally gonna spend half her lunch break on-route in the car cos London so we gotta but at least we can say it's an uber mood again so he's not driving] Ava: [I'll do some before 'cos like is he gonna show nerves] Ava: We still on for lunch time? James: nothing else has come up Ava: 👍 Ava: I'll book my ride James: I'll pick you up Ava: Are you sure? James: sure that we don't need 2 separate ubers going to the same place? yes Ava: fair point Ava: but I'll definitely get the coffees then James: no you won't Ava: The post came before I left this morning Ava: you really didn't have to do that Ava: but you did, so I can definitely get you a latte or whatever your particular shade of coffee is James: I didn't want leave you bracelet-less & me close to having a regret James: so I kind of did have to Ava: Well, when you put it like that Ava: thank you, it was one of my favourites actually Ava: didn't wanna push for that regret too hard though James: now you won't have to Ava: The coffee being bitter over the company definitely sounds like a better plan James: you don't have to order coffee, you know Ava: I'll probably get an iced drink of some description Ava: ☀🥵 James: too much sunbathing between classes? Ava: 😏 Ava: I'm sure the dons would say any is too much Ava: but I'm still pretty pale James: I'm correcting that to still pretty Ava: Gonna look like a 🍅 now James: who doesn't like 🍅? James: bloody marys are fantastic for one Ava: Now I know you have good taste James: in drinks at least Ava: and 🍅s thank you James: potentially everything but wives & uni courses Ava: Don't make me laugh because it's definitely not funny James: but hypothetically how smitten would I be if you did laugh? Ava: Oh, head over heels, of course Ava: like 👼s singing James: I thought so Ava: Don't wanna hypothetically disappoint James: it's not even hypothetically possible Ava: Your level of hypothetical trust is cute James: your level of hypothetical modesty is unnecessary Ava: Fine, but it's your fault when I don't fit my hypothetical hat James: I'll buy you a bigger one James: hypothetically Ava: You going to hypothetically redress me piece by piece? James: I'm not falling into the trap of you thinking I'm saying I need to James: there's nothing wrong with how you dress Ava: I'm not even hypothetically that sly Ava: Straightforward and to the point, yeah? James: it's what I like about you Ava: You're pretty good at it yourself James: game playing has never got me anywhere I want to be Ava: Games rely too much on chance and luck for my liking Ava: someone has to lose James: precisely James: as much as I'd potentially hate losing to you less than I would to lots of other people, it's still better as a hypothetical Ava: No games, I promise James: I'm taking that to also mean no more pool at the vault & you can't stop me Ava: 😱 Ava: You're really going to make me enroll just to get back in that VIP venue? Ava: Rude James: 😂 James: seeing you every day would be fun but putting fun ahead of all things academic gets you where I currently am in life James: I can't do that to you, even hypothetically Ava: You can hypothetically follow me for your next course Ava: I'm a great study buddy James: unless you're going abroad somewhere to study Ava: Unless you count SE as abroad Ava: lord knows many of our peers do 🙄 James: in that case, following you sounds close to a good idea Ava: 🤏 Ava: I'll find a way to hypothetically swing it Ava: the world needs your writing, II James: I've never been more devastated to have a job waiting for me that isn't strictly hypothetical Ava: I's doing, I suppose Ava: What are you going do instead of write your great novel about me? James: you'll have to look out for my self published works written by night under an obvious pseudonym Ava: I will Ava: Will you sign my copy? James: of course James: under your printed dedication Ava: I'll have to think of an excellent pseudonym myself James: can you do 1 other, simpler thing for me before then? Ava: I'm sure I can? James: order for me something you like James: I don't know what I want Ava: I like a challenge Ava: Okay James: do you want me to tell you if I don't share the liking of it or not? Ava: 'Course Ava: 'cos I need to find you something you do like James: if time doesn't run out Ava: We can have more lunches too Ava: as well as evenings James: that'd be good James: I'd hate to only see you in the dark Ava: That's mutual James: if I wrote us meeting exclusively at night everyone would assume I'd decided on a vampire novel James: so I'm happy to hear it Ava: I think its making a comeback Ava: and I'd definitely buy you as an Edward Cullen type James: I have no clue if I should be flattered or offended Ava: A potentially complex issue, a complex character beyond the sparkles Ava: I just meant you'd be eligible for dreamboat status James: you're saying I should make a detour to buy the book or download the film to my phone right now or I shouldn't? Ava: Will we have time to watch it together is the real question Ava: Because I have to pop your 🍒 James: is it a 90 minutes is all you need kind of film or 3 hours of lingering close ups? Ava: 126 James: I can do that Ava: Yeah? James: skipping a lecture I have no desire to be in to further my hypothetical masterpiece of a novel in the early stages of its development, that's a fantastic idea Ava: 💡 Ava: Was bound to have one eventually Ava: Let's do it then James: you're claiming not to have had any before now? Ava: In my life, obviously Ava: but with you? 'close to a good idea' is as close as I've got so far James: I won't deny you the opportunity to get closer then Ava: Thank you Ava: You can find out if it's only hypothetical that I'm unable to disappoint James: I feel like I already know that Ava: You've had a taste Ava: but you can have more Ava: if you want it James: I do Ava: Okay Ava: Good James: but it's never going to be as simple as words like okay or good Ava: It could be Ava: I'm not saying all the time Ava: or even that we can always give 126 minutes to it Ava: but whatever we can James: you can't say all the time because I can't ever give you all the time James: I can't give you any more gifts or regular dates or even selfies Ava: I know that Ava: I'm not asking for any of that James: but you should James: because you're free to do whatever you want with whoever you want Ava: Exactly James: why this? Ava: because you need somebody Ava: and I like you James: oh Ava Ava: It is as simple as that James: I'll try that out, see if I can believe it Ava: I know nothing else is but Ava: why not Ava: I want to and you don't need to buy that or promise time you haven't got James: for as long as you want to then Ava: for as long as you need me then James: no because James: my life isn't going to change Ava: James James: you don't know what she's like but I know everything she's ever done or is likely to do Ava: People like that don't stop, I know that Ava: they have to be stopped James: there's no stopping her Ava: Well there's no stopping me either and I'm on your side James: you don't need this Ava: I told you, I like you Ava: I won't just turn my back on you James: I can have this car turned around, you don't have to do anything Ava: Of course I don't have to Ava: and neither do you, not with me Ava: you don't owe me anything, I'm just telling you how it is for me Ava: and I want to see you James: I want to see you too, more than when I originally said it Ava: Good Ava: Then don't turn around, yeah? James: I always do the wrong thing, I don't want to, to you James: so if you don't want me to turn around, I won't Ava: I want you to do what you want, that's all Ava: even if that was turning around, which, undeniably, would be shit but I'd survive Ava: but you wanna come, I'm almost 100% James: understood Ava: Okay Ava: I've got a great urge to tell you I'm not insane but that makes me sound more so so I'll just Ava: 😶 James: you haven't once struck me as being & I have some experience, as it were Ava: That's alright then Ava: It's a comparison I don't need, you either, I'm sure James: just don't insist I marry you & it won't ever need to be made Ava: Easy Ava: Got my word James: if only I had your skill at losing jewellery Ava: It is a talent, definitely; but unteachable? Nah James: now you've got a great urge to teach me something James: okay Ava: So many whims, only so much time Ava: Lucky I'm an excellent teacher James: very novel protagonist-esque, honestly James: you're earning your page space Ava: If fictional me gets slated as dull I'll have to change my pseudonym and run away James: you couldn't be hypothetically dull if you actually tried James: never mind close to anything else Ava: You always know just what to say yet I still believe it sincere James: it is sincere James: from the kings head shaving horror stories until now Ava: I'm confident believing it, and you Ava: because boys who always know what to say always say the wrong things James: maybe 126 minutes later I will have Ava: That's okay Ava: a mix of right and wrong Ava: that's real Ava: anything other and you're definitely up to something Ava: 😇 or 😈 either way James: I gave you a real tour the moment you asked for it, that's 😇 Ava: It felt it James: I'm not going to leave in the middle this time James: strictly end credits Ava: Don't promise Ava: that's practically begging fate James: well that's the last thing I want, my lips are sealed Ava: Your lips are Ava: 😈 James: if that means yours have to be described as 😇 I'm fine with it Ava: See? Ava: You're too good with words James: they're a very prominent feature, I couldn't help but notice Ava: I like that you notice Ava: Do it some more James: because I'm not sure I could stop if you didn't like it, it's a relief that you do Ava: Don't stop Ava: then I don't have to either James: very fair Ava: 😇 James: how far can we push that angelic streak to one side because I'm here early James: can you leave? Ava: Lessons are barely real at this point in the summer term and it isn't as if I've been paying any attention all day so Ava: Give me 10 to 'fake' needing to go lie down James: I'm not having any PTSD symptoms from being here quite yet James: take as long as you require Ava: Honestly Ava: Least it is undeniably too hot for the blazer so I won't trigger you into leaving without me James: I'm undeniably sure the way you wear it wouldn't make me wanna leave Ava: God, you are so distracting and fully aware what you're doing to me right now James: in 10 minutes, or preferably less, you'll have a car to lie down in should you suddenly really need to James: meaning I regret nothing Ava: Bad man Ava: The blush is admittedly helping my case here James: I'm not gonna lie & say if you aren't still wearing that I'll go without you but James: I do want to see it Ava: I'd say there's 0% chance of you not seeing it and a full 100% of me being unable to hide it James: 🍅 right, of course Ava: The dangers of being pale Ava: why I need this tan Ava: obviously James: how far does it go? is 😳 going to colour in your tan lines like a modern art piece James: if so that's a must for my book cover Ava: Well now we have to see how inspiring you find it Ava: even if you can't take any 📸 James: physically no, but mentally I'll take so many Ava: You're too pretty for photographs anyway Ava: you don't even look real in person James: how can you say that about another person when you look like you belong on a chapel ceiling or somewhere equally beautifully crafted? Ava: I Ava: I'm just Ava: on my way James: you can't miss me, the engine's on & the song choices are questionable James: it's very low profile Ava: Got to get the driver onboard, for future 126s James: I'll ask him if he has any knowledge of the Twilight soundtrack Ava: 😂 Ava: It goes hard, FYI James: he looked at me like he's a believer about that James: absolute Ava: Then we won't have to invite him to our viewing party Ava: Thank God James: it'd be taking politeness to new heights James: he is going to play it for us though Ava: I'm gonna tip him so hard James: It's taken care of by me James: you've agreed to hypothetically buy out everything in this coffee place in search of something I'll enjoy so Ava: Okay Ava: so if you're being polite then can I be slightly 😒 at his presence 'cos I really need to be alone with you right now? James: it's a reasonable request James: more so than the one I'd like to ask of you Ava: Go on Ava: There's clearly room and time for the unreasonable James: Ava, I hear how much you don't want to waste any of the borrowed time we're basically forced to be on, but can you please walk slowly for my mental picture gallery Ava: [Does, obviously] James: [😍 clearly as the twilight soundtrack begins to blast from this vehicle so casually] Ava: [and what a mental image that is, doing a mini run at the end 'cos excitement and nerves] James: [it's fine cos we all know he'd have to resist the urge to lowkey drag her into the car despite what he said, looking like you're getting snatched from the school gates lol] Ava: [thank God your teachers are useless and we can but hope there's no window some kid is staring that hard out] James: [just staring at her taking all those mental 📷s again though as soon as she's in] Ava: [the blush is so real and she knows it] James: [if she's blushing already wait until the kiss he initiates because obvs it'd be as hardcore as their first one but like it'd be so much more intense not only cos he wants her more but also because he wants more time to do this now. Everything would be so slow and deliberate like he's gotta savour every possible way he can kiss her and every possible tiny reaction each thing he does has] Ava: [well enjoy boy because she will be dying in all the ways like there's no hiding from the casual anticipation that has built up here] James: [they both just die there and then #plot twist] Ava: [or this driver reports you 'cos you've just picked up someone from school and started getting it on lmao, luckily you not being paid to think so shh] James: [oh my god imagine, please just drive and groove to the epic bops thank you sir] Ava: [she's 17 now we're so fine lollol] James: [he does not know that but I hope James does] Ava: [he's done a stalk, her bday wasn't that long ago in the feed] James: [true, I hope you had an epic bday babe] Ava: [no doubt baby, so we've got a pretty good plan of their afternoon plans, is there anything else we wanna say went down?] James: [good question, realistically they'd probably run out of time but also I am highkey so I'm like give them forever lol] Ava: [I assume he usually picks Jay up from School 'cos unless Chloe wanna turnt up at the gates why would she, so that'd be 3.30 say so they've got from 1ish, Chloe would still have the baby and thinks he's in class so we do have a fair whack of time] James: [not gonna let you waste all of that trying everything on a coffee shop menu, don't worry guys] Ava: [although a moment you need all the moments] James: [gotta find him something he genuinely likes cos his missus be ordering for him everywhere they go] Ava: [oat milk flat white] James: [chin chin gals] Ava: [But yeah I don't think we need a Chloe interruption this time 'cos he'll have a time he has to go anyway so suck it bitch] James: [there will be plenty of opportunities to do more of them anyway] Ava: [when your wife is controlling and crazy] Ava: [I was thinking for when we get the whole 'I don't think Jay is his' moment rolling, maybe if she finds out he's cheating again or whatever she does the typical 'she ain't even yours!' and maybe she's done it before so James just thinks she's bullshitting 'cos she's crazy but Ava is like hmm shall we like explore that though 'cos it's not 'neither of them are yours' it's always just Jay] James: [that is actually perfect though] Ava: ['cos it can escalate when she inevitably finds out it's Ava 'cos sleuthing or maybe at some point they wanna be out 'cos fuck it and she's taking it way more personal than any other girl and it's like why though so then the Buster link can come out even if she accidentally drops it 'cos so mad] James: [we all know Chloe is that bitch 100%] Ava: [🙌] James: [do we wanna do any more convo like once he had to leave or shall we post it and move on] Ava: [I'll do a lil bit 'cos straightforward, highkey and cute tbh] James: [allowing it] Ava: I hope I didn't make you late at all Ava: and that your girls like the Twilight soundtrack James: if they don't they've inherited their mother's bad taste & they've got bigger problems ahead than me being a few minutes late Ava: Obviously Ava: but I'm just saying, don't be too disappointed, no one can like it as much as you 😏 James: I don't believe that you don't like it as much as me Ava: It is more than just a hypothetical that I enjoyed myself Ava: soundtrack included but not my favourite part James: I couldn't possibly be disappointed by anything else knowing that Ava: Disappointment is not in my vocabulary right now James: you won't need to add it back in on my behalf Ava: I believe that James: when can I see you again? Ava: You tell me Ava: There are four more films James: 4? Ava: They split the last book into two, such a gimmick but you know James: I promise not to do that when I write yours Ava: Well, if I get to play myself maybe I won't mind the exposure 🤔 James: I'm not sure that I want to play myself James: in which case I would mind the increased screentime you'd then have with whoever does Ava: There's no finding anyone else with eyes as blue as yours Ava: Gonna blow the special effects budget James: 😂 Ava: I'm so serious Ava: and jealous James: I'll describe your eyes as bluer & your skin as more tan, if you like Ava: I like your candor, remember Ava: More than I'd like to be remembered as tanned and having the bluest eyes James: I'd like to remember you exactly as you are Ava: Don't say we have to leave it that long to see each other again James: not quite Ava: My parents have a 4-day business trip Fri-Mon, you could come over at some point then? James: the weekend is not going to happen but I can make Monday work James: Friday possibly Ava: Okay Ava: Not quite coffee shop level but we've got all sorts for you to try out James: you sounded like your brother then, almost James: not that he's ever propositioned me in exactly the same way Ava: Awkward Ava: I'll try and avoid that then😬😂 James: awkward will be if your parents haven't decorated since I was last there Ava: Thankfully they have Ava: and I haven't insisted on taking his room James: or your sister's? Ava: Spent loads of time in there too? Ava: no, I've got my own room James: not with her, obviously James: but you know how parties tend to overspill into every room Ava: 'Course James: are you going to have one? Ava: Undecided Ava: I'll have some people over at the weekend but it might be pretty chill James: is Teddy included in the some people? Ava: I don't know Ava: Would you like him not to be or? James: I don't know Ava: I get that it could be weird Ava: It's strange thinking how close you used to be with Buster James: but that was basically another life James: for me & for him Ava: Yeah Ava: well, I don't have to invite him, like I said, I don't even know what I fancy doing yet James: it's up to you Ava: I know Ava: It's James: it's not my business, Ava James: I shouldn't have asked Ava: No Ava: It's not not Ava: I know things are complex but I don't feel bad for her, you know Ava: I don't feel bad for doing it James: me either but not only because of the no regrets thing Ava: So it just feels weird to feel like guilty or something around your brother when I'm not Ava: He doesn't need to know and won't but it doesn't need to be any weirder than it would be if I dated any of my friend's siblings under more 'normal' circumstances James: understood Ava: Yeah? Ava: It's hard to explain James: I'm following it Ava: Not saying we are dating or Ava: you know James: I can't have a girlfriend, but if I could Ava: Really James: you'd be a good choice Ava: but I ain't James: why not? Ava: I don't know Ava: never mind James: Ava Ava: Ignore me, I don't know what I mean Ava: It's not important James: I don't want to ignore you Ava: Okay Ava: but we can talk about other things James: any topic you want Ava: Hmm Ava: Tempting but vague James: I assumed you'd prefer it over boring & specific Ava: A fair assumption Ava: What are you doing tonight though, ell me about your boring and specific James: I can't pinpoint specific dad duties as such, not with these two James: I could be gluing a doll house back together or walking an imaginary dog Ava: A handyman and a dogwalker Ava: either way, never a dull moment James: & that's without factoring in the possibility I could be dragged to a dinner party or subjected to guests arriving expecting champagne & nibbles with no prior knowledge or warning James: on any night James: how are you spending yours? Ava: Of course Ava: Expect no less from this town's leading socialite Ava: I've been summoned to a catch-up and 'homework' sesh as I didn't get back for last period Ava: the amount of messages, assumedly missed the second coming 🤷 James: I'm surprised you're not assumed to be too 'sick' to go James: maybe you shouldn't play yourself in my film either Ava: 😧 Ava: Um rude Ava: Maybe you need to try harder to make me 🍅 James: starting Friday or starting now? James: because how I would in person is not what I'm going to be able to do here Ava: Admittedly both sound intriguing James: so let's do both James: [sends her some kind of 💣🔥 sext because words are all they have as we all know what'll happen if you start sending pics, then she will and it's a whole dangerous thing] Ava: Oh Ava: and I was trying to avoid the cliche of telling you I missed you already James: there's no need to dismiss every cliche off hand James: some of them are good Ava: Some of them are very good Ava: remember when you write your book James: you'll remind me, right? James: I think we can assume too that writer's block isn't one of the enjoyable cliches Ava: I'll do my best Ava: Some protagonist I'd be otherwise James: very fair James: I'll do mine, in turn Ava: I have every faith in your way with words Ava: You've not gone wrong there yet James: [sends her another text because why not obvs, not like you're a busy man with a fam having an affair or anything] Ava: [God bless the multitask] Ava: James James: yes? Ava: It's going to be a really hard wait 'til Monday James: I'll fit you in Friday James: even if it's only an hour Ava: If you're gonna make it sound like a dentist appointment 😏 James: not the most original excuse but it'd still get you out of school Ava: Cheek 😂 Ava: My excuses are A* James: I don't doubt it James: but I don't want to find out by having you use any on me Ava: Just for you James: okay James: there's no excuses needed to keep posting selfies, is there? so I'll see you every day until Friday actually Ava: Of course Ava: Be dead suspect if I didn't tbh Ava: Can you post one? Ava: Even if you're in the background fulfilling whatever role is required at that precise moment James: for you, I will Ava: 😊 James: look out for it Ava: No.1 fan right here James: you're joking but you're not wrong Ava: Am I? 👀🤔 James: aren't you? Ava: I'll never tell Ava: Got to keep some mystery or who's gonna want to turn the page James: oh you want a mystery at the heart of this James: I see Ava: Does that not gel with your plan for the plot? James: I'll incorporate it after a quick brainstorm Ava: Hot James: 😈 Ava: Mhmm James: you're hot, I'm just lucky Ava: How so? James: to get to spend any time with you Ava: Oh please Ava: You're very good company James: most people are capable of being for a few hours Ava: Who do you know? Ava: Have to introduce me 😏 James: 😂 do you mind if I don't? Ava: I think I'll manage James: I'm happy to hear it Ava: For now, I need to be filled in on the gossip Ava: tell you if any of it is story-worthy James: do your work too please James: I'd like to follow you to a good uni Ava: Are you telling me what to do now? Ava: Don't hate that James: it's a nicely worded suggestion for now Ava: Noted 😇 James: you're going to be good then? Ava: I promised I'd be no trouble James: I know you did Ava: And I'll try really, really hard to keep that promise Ava: even if you make that difficult James: I'm trying really hard not to get in the car & come find you James: I don't think I have to tell you how difficult that is Ava: Damn responsibilities Ava: We can have all Monday though Ava: think about that when it gets tough Ava: I will James: I am Ava: 💙