#bit of religious stuff but in a hozier way not a catholic way

[apollolovescheesecak]

on self love

my thoughts and opinions on self love and bodies. i tries to write in the style of Khalil Gibran, especially in his philosophical work of “The Prophet”. hope i help someone with this ❤️

would that you could cast a loving gaze upon your shell that houses your infinite soul in a minute body, i would bestow such a gift to you. but, since we are so critical of ourselves where we forgive others, let me try and bestow this feeling on you.

when i look upon my face, i see not the evil of the spots where the oil of the fruits of my labor have seeped beneath my skin, nor the evil of the darkness that covers the sockets of my eyes where they lie, like an eclipse to the sun, but rather, the good of those things. i see the beauty of my wonderfully round face where others might see a flaw. i look onto myself with pride, not so that i may take away my love for others to give to myself, but so that i may take my self love and give unto others. for what is it to love others, but not have that same compassion for yourself? it is to sing a love song without lyrics, the chorus no more soothing to man’s ears than nails on a chalkboard. it is to sow seeds of empty affection with no water or sunlight, and expect them to feed you. you cannot feed others with your bread if you cannot bake the loaf yourself. 

when i look upon the mass of flesh and blood that the universe has weaved for me, i am proud to be inside it. i look at the ripples on where my body is warped like a tree growing with joy, for you cannot have an sea without ripples covering it, ever constantly in a cycle of sending itself into the sky, to be kept in clouds, to finally rain back into itself. so too does your soul go to your body, keeping itself on the earth as you hold yourself in clouds, then when you lay down in the sea, your body becomes dust to fuel the creation of another body. 

when i look upon my belly, full and ripe, i sing a love song to myself in my heart. for what is to have a body but to nurture it, hoping it may grow? it is to wonder why you are lesser than for doing what your body was meant to do, to be forever ashamed of what should be rejoiced. when you eat, you take a communion to the god of your body, the son of your heart, and the holy spirit inside you. it is to drink from the cup of life verily, and happily, just as the bride and groom of a wedding drink to celebrate a bond of love. food is one in the same, it is love.

it is to bake bread with your neighbor in hopes it may feed him. it is to touch shoulders with your lover as you cook a meal that will fill your bellies as full as your souls. it is to rejoice in the tradition of those since long passed, and to stand with the dearly beloved dead, and stand in their shadow. when you eat, say to yourself, “i am taking an oath of love to my friends whom i have eaten with and spent countless hours with, the people who fed me beneath their roofs, the loves in life i have made along the way, weaved together by the binding cloth of a shared need to nourish our bodies and minds.” and when you drink, say to yourself, “i am taking an oath of joy to those i have loved and lost, whom i drank with and the hours passed by like water droplets in a river. i am drinking so that the fluid my touch every vein in my bloodstream, just as their affections did.”

for me, i was not always granted this luxury of pleasure that i now call self love. it is only in loving life that you may find such a thing. many people make the mistake of assuming all souls are meant for the bodies they are assigned to. the hand of the universe is random, and human beings are too complex for all feeling to be housed inside said bodies. if you must change the shell that inhabits you, do it not so that you may love yourself, do it because you love yourself. for even the sweet wine that touches your lips must have the grapes crushed and processed first. the wine cannot say onto the grapes, “i am better and more sweet than you, for i am crushed and distilled and complex,” when the grapes are also good. your original bodies are good, just as your bodies to sculpt from marble are good, though the grapes alone cannot serve the same purpose wine does. but if the grapes are sour beforehand, you crush a bitter wine that stains the tongue. when you form yourself into your delighted being, you craft yourself from dirt, like God did with Adam and Eve. the dirt cannot hold you alone, but with crafting, it can turn into something bigger, something more suited for our souls. to mold your finite body to house your infinite spirit better is an act of worship of yourself, but it cannot be taken by a corrupt preacher. love yourself, then the winds of the heavens may bless your journey on your winding road of self completion.

in truth, your body longs to love itself, like the river longs to join the sea again, but seems impossible with its winding curves and and long stretches. but the water droplet will indeed find the sea, just as you will find self love. let yourself love life, and in loving life lives the key to loving yourself. 

tagging @gaykneecaps, since we had a discussion on this not too long ago. thank you for discussing it with me so that i could put my thoughts to paper. i would very much like to know what you think of it, love ya ❤️

edit: also tagging @ineffabildaddy !!

[darling-i-read-it]

Nightly Visits

John Pruitt (Father Paul) x fem!reader

Word Count: 2.5k

Warnings: MIDNIGHT MASS SPOILERS, probably a lot of religious undertones that I got wrong, a priest breaking his vows, the reader is not religious but goes to the church in curiousity, lots of religion talk

Author’s Note: Y’all asked and y’all shall receive lol. I’m sorry if I messed up any of the religion stuff, feel free to let me know if I did! I tried to be as respectful as possible but I honestly don’t know enough about it to be certain. (I know @countbeanieboo and @katie-lynnc wanted a father paul fic so I hope you don’t mind me tagging you!)

Summary: You come to the island for a week vacation and wander around out night before finding yourself at the church.

Song: Take me to church by hozier (yall already know)

I don’t own these characters. They belong to author/director/creator

(not my gif)

Crockett Island was not the dreamy getaway that you had imagined but it would have to do. It was affordable and it was secluded. If you were going to get away, you may as well go where there’s nothing but water for thirty miles on either side.

You had your phone up to your ear as you looked out at the waves crashing against the shore. The ferry that had brought you hadn’t even left yet, the reminisce of its movement evident in the water movements.

“So? What’s it like out there in Jesus town?” your friend Amanda asked into your ear. You looked around, holding your jacket closed.

“I just got here. But it isn’t exactly the sunny resort I wanted.”

“Well remember, it was all you could afford right now. I told you to save up but no, you had to go now. Regardless, just try and breathe in that salty air and forget about life over here on the mainland for a while.” You nodded a bit to yourself. She was right. You just needed to let go.

“I will. I’ll text you when I’m all settled in.” “Don’t get roped into the church out there! I hear it’s very clingy.” You rolled your eyes and hung up. Maybe you would check out the church. It couldn’t hurt. Maybe it would actually but you shoved it aside. You had a house to find.

===

It didn’t take you long before you came across the house that you were renting for the week. You were just renting the basement of a woman that already lived there. It was one of the only ways to stay on the island. There were no hotels or motels. The only way you were able to get over and stay was to find someone who was willing to do a sort of air bnb situation.

“I have no idea why you’re staying here,” Erin Greene said, shaking her head as she set the table for two. “There isn’t much to do.”

“I just wanted to get away from the hustle and bustle of work,” you admitted. You and Erin had hit it off over the phone. Apparently she had a baby on the way and was eager to get in some extra cash other than her teaching job.

“Well you could have gone to Hawaii.”

“That is so expensive,” you said, shaking your head light heartedly. “I just needed to be out of my own life.” She placed down your plate and met your eyes.

“Well welcome to my life. It’s very uneventful. The only thing people do on this island is go to church and fish,” she explained.

“That is the exact kind of thing I need right now.” Erin had graciously made dinner, though you had offered a couple times.

“Are you Catholic?” she asked innocently. You shrugged.

“I’ve never really believed in anything. So no I guess.”

“Maybe you oughta go sometime. Just try it out.” She shrugged. “It’s not for everyone but if you wanna really live the Crockett Island life, you can’t go without it.”

====

When night came later you found yourself unable to sleep. You tossed and turned in the cot that Erin had gotten out of you. You were perfectly comfortable but your mind just wouldn’t shut off. You blamed it on the unfamiliar setting.

You tossed on a hoodie and slipped on your shoes before going through the basement door out to the cold outside. It was chilly by the sea.

You weren’t sure where you thought you were going when you started walking but you just started to go. You had your phone on you in case you got lost. You walked along the side of the quiet roads into town.

Everything was shut down. The whole town was probably asleep. Though you were alone, you didn’t feel lonely. There was something comforting about being surrounded by so many people who felt safe enough to leave their doors open. You had your hands shoved in your pockets as you looked up at the shining night stars.

Through the darkness of the closed down shops and stores, there was a blazing light. By the cross at the front you figured it was the church.

You weren’t sure what it was that drew you to it. At the time, you wondered if maybe it was truly the pull of God. Maybe you just needed to believe in something. Perhaps it was just the fact that it was the only thing lighting up.

After everything though, you knew it was him.

You walked through the front doors, welcomed by the warm glow of candle light. You shivered, adjusting to the lack of cold and you sat in the back pews, looking up at the altar. You had been in a church before but never alone. It was an odd feeling. Like there was some sort of static electricity in the air.

You sat there for a moment in silence with yourself. You could feel your eyes drooping.

The front double doors opened, causing you to jump out of your skin. You turned around and met the eyes of John Pruitt for the first time. He looked equally surprised to see you.

“It’s late,” he said dumbly. You nodded.

“I’m sorry, should I not be here? I’m not…” You laughed gently and stood up. “I’m not religious.”

“You’re not a local,” he said. He wasn’t wearing a collar to indicate he was any kind of priest. He was wearing what looked to be pyjamas. He extended his hand to you and you shook it.

“No, no I’m actually staying here for the week. Y/N.”

“Father Paul.” Your eyes went wide.

“Oh you’re- nice to meet you. I’m sorry for barging in here so late I just couldn’t sleep.” He shook his head gently.

“No, never apologize for coming here. The doors are always open to those who need it.” His smile was warm and inviting. You wondered if that was a priest thing or maybe it was just a Paul thing.

“Thank you,” you said and you meant it. “Can I ask what you’re doing here so late?” Paul shrugged his shoulders, holding his arms.

“I didn’t feel good. Hoping to pray the pain away,” he said honestly.

“I can understand that.” He gestured to the front of the building.

“Would you like to sit with me? You don’t have to pray if you don’t want to. But I could use the company.” You thought about it for a moment and figured you didn’t have anything better to do. You nodded once and he smiled gently, walking up to the front of the room. He sat at the front pew and you sat beside him.

He closed his eyes and interlocked his fingers. You felt a tad awkward, like you were intruding on a personal moment. You looked forward and closed your eyes to give him some privacy.

You sat there together in a comfortable silence for what felt like forever. You could have lived in that moment forever, you found yourself thinking. This is what you were looking for. A moment where your brain could just exist. No thinking about the future or worrying about the past. Just...a comfortable place to sit.

When you opened your eyes again Paul had his eyes open.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to ruin your moment.”

“Oh no I wasn’t...yeah I was having a moment,” you admitted. He smiled warmly.

“This place has that effect.”

“I think it might’ve been you Paul.” You pursed your lips. “Or Father? Father Paul? I’m sorry I’m truly awful with this stuff.” He shook his head, a gentle look on his face.

“You only have to call me Father if you want to. But Paul is fine too.” You nodded once, looking down at your hands.

“Do you feel better?” He shrugged.

“Better enough. How about you? Did you find what you came for?”

“You know what? I think I did.” ===

Erin was surprised when on Sunday morning you asked to go with her to church.

“I thought you said you weren’t-”

“I’m open to new things Erin,” you had said.

Now here you were, stuffed into the seats alongside the rest of the town. The church looked very different in the daylight. The stillness and static was all but gone. You had to admit, perhaps a midnight mass would be better suited to you. Erin gave you a run down on how to be respectful and you did everything you needed to.

Paul was happy to see you there. Very happy. His eyes barely left you the whole time he spoke, like he was preaching directly to you. At the end of the service plenty of people had gone up to speak to him so you decided to slip out quietly but before you could leave he called your name.

“Y/N!” You turned, trying to pretend you hadn’t been wishing he would call your name.

“Paul! Father Paul,” you corrected. “The collar looks nice on you.” He flushed.

“I’m glad you decided to come this morning. What did you think?” “Not bad. Though I don’t know if it’s exactly for me.” He nodded.

“It isn’t for everyone,” he admitted. “I’m happy you gave it a fair shot though.”

“Erin is about to leave so I have to go but...but I’ll see you tonight?” He gave you a gentle secret nod. You turned on your heels and walked out the front door where Erin was waiting for you. She nudged you, laughing.

“If you sleep with the priest I think this whole town might have it out for you,” she said, laughing.

“I’m not gonna sleep with the priest. I can’t do that right? That’s like, against the rules?” She scoffed.

“Ah so you were wondering!”

“Maybe a bit.”

“Yes, you’re right. He can’t have romantic relationships. It’s a sin.” You nodded once and glanced back at the church as you got into her car.

“Good to know.”

====

When you approached the church later that night Father Paul was already standing outside waiting for you.

“It’s cold. You could have gone inside,” you said. You were holding yourself. Despite the winter coat you were still freezing. He shook his head.

“I thought we could not go to church tonight if you don’t mind.” You raised your chin.

“Why?”

“I spend my whole day in there. I would rather us go somewhere else. I live just over there and I can make a mean cup of hot chocolate.” You smiled.

“You’ve convinced me.”

The two of you walked over to the small home that was next to the church and he let you inside.

“If Beverly Keane sees you, you might be crucified,” he said as you walked inside. You scoffed.

“That sounds bad. Why would she do that?”

“She would jump to conclusions. A man and woman in the same home at night. She’s that kind of woman. I think she wants so badly for things to be true sometimes she single handedly brings them into fruition. The good and the bad,” he said absentmindedly. He started to make the hot coco. You sat down at the table behind him. He had left his collar off, wearing regular clothing again.

“Then I hope she didn’t see. I wouldn’t want you getting into trouble.”

“I’m the only priest this island has. I think I’ll be alright,” he said gently. He stirred and handed you the cup he had just made. You let the warm liquid touch your lips and felt it fall down your throat pleasantly. “Can I ask you a question?”

You nodded.

“Sure.”

“Why aren’t you religious?” You shrugged.

“I never put much thought into it I suppose. The whole thing. The world, the Earth. I was taught science, I wasn’t raised in a religious household. It was just never a concern. I suppose it could be the same reason you are religious. Were you grown into it? Perhaps it was an event?” He nodded once. He cleared his throat.

“You would be right.”

“It’s just a matter of the life you’ve lived,” you said finally. You looked into each other’s eyes. You wondered if he had ever kissed anyone. You hoped he had. Those lips looked easy to kiss, nice. You tried not to imagine it.

“The world forces you to become one way by forcing experiences onto you.”

“I suppose so. This hot coco is really good.”

“Thank you. I’ve been making it for years.” He sat down beside you and put his cup down. Your breathing was shallow. His hand was just beside yours, barely touching. You were both staring at your hands. It was almost like you were begging them to move, like it wasn’t a part of your body but instead a show you saw.

Paul put his pinky finger on top of yours and you interlinked them.

“How long are you on the island?”

“A week.”

“And then I will likely never see you again.”

“It’s possible.”

He put your hand to his lips and you tried to suppress a gasp but it didn’t work that well. His eyes were closed like he was thinking really hard about something. When they opened again he met yours.

And then he was kissing you.

====

Erin put the eggs on your plate. You rubbed your eyes.

“Late night?” she asked, confused. You nodded.

“Thank you for making breakfast.”

“What do you get up to when you leave that late? The only thing open is the-” She paused. She put the pan down. She put the spoon in the pan. “Did...did you….”

“No, no of course not.”

Something had happened. She wasn’t sure what. But something.

[gcnnerpaxton]

THE CHARACTER STATISTICS

FULL NAME — gunner brick paxton

NICKNAME — little paxton/lp by a few ppl tho he hates it KLSHDGLKHSDLGS bt thts pretty much it.............

D.O.B. — july 31st, 1998

LINK TO THEIR PINTEREST BOARD OR TAG ON YOUR BLOG — board | tag

STAR SIGN / MOON & RISING — leo sun, scorpio moon, gemini rising

MBTI — istj - the logistician

MORAL ALIGNMENT — lawful neutral

MARITAL STATUS & SEXUALITY — single & demisexual

LANGUAGES — english

TALENTS / HOBBIES — film making, piano, guitar, producing music (kinda he tries to make his own music fr the films he does bt is never rly satisfied w it bt they’re not actually Bad), unicycling (very proud he taught himself how to during the summer), magic tricks (loser), etc. jst a very long list of rly random hobbies

TOP 5 MUSICIANS — ac/dc, hozier, janis joplin, guns & roses, new order, heart, the cure..... i kno this is more than 5 bt i hv a hard time narrowing down his fav artists >_>

FAVOURITE BOOK — kane and abel

FAVOURITE FILM & TV SHOW — likes a lot of modern psychological horror...... get out, hereditary, the lighthouse, etc. / watches more youtube play throughs than tv shows but it’s always sunny in philadelphia is his fav show hes rewatched it sm when he goes thru a Depressive Slump

FAVOURITE VIDEO GAME — red dead redemption

WHAT DID THEY DO THIS PAST SUMMER? — they went to nyc to do a film internship!!!

WHERE HAVE THEY TRAVELLED? — uh........ new york, connecticut, wyoming....... pretty much those places only in the states n thts it

DO THEY TAKE ANY PRESCRIPTIONS? — lexapro and zoloft for depression/anxiety, halcion to help with sleep, oxy’s for when his brittle broken body/brain starts acting up due to a fkin bajillion accidents as a kid............ jst a walking pharmacy rly he has so many meds at all times SHDGLKSDHGHLSKDG (i am not a doctor i tried to google if these can all b taken at the same time bt its jst wht . i imagine he’d have bt i kno nothing about anything)

DO THEY HAVE ANY DIAGNOSIS’S? — anxiety, major depressive disorder, underlying trauma n ptsd from events growing up....... looks away dramatically

FICTIONAL CHARACTER THEY ARE MOST LIKE? — ben wyatt (parks and rec), creed (the office), connell (normal people), pope (outer banks), charlie (perks of being a wallflower)

ARE THEY EMPLOYED? WHERE DO THEY WORK? — yes they work at the library on campus

WERE THEY POPULAR IN HIGH SCHOOL? — this man had maybe one good friend in high school

DO THEY DO DRUGS? — yes more so now than ever rly

DRINK? — yes

SMOKE CIGARETTES? — he ‘quit’ bt still does a lot when hes drinking at parties n stuff

SMOKE WEED? — yes

WHERE WERE THEY BORN? WHERE DID THEY GROW UP? — born and raised in laramie, wyoming before coming to radcliffe

DO THEY PLAN TO GO TO GRAD SCHOOL? — yes

WHAT ARE THEIR PLANS POST-GRADUATION? — he wants to move to nyc and just make as many films as he possibly can, kinda wants to be a screenwriter and a director but he leans more towards the writing aspect

PARENTS NAMES — john and jessica i think......... just something basic.

DO THEY HAVE SIBLINGS? NAMES & AGES? — elias (26), wyatt (12 when he went missing/presumed dead)

DO THEY HAVE PETS? TYPES & NAMES? — ya he has a tabby cat named bucket that he loves a lot :’) philly gave her to him from off the streets basically fr his bday so when she had a litter he gave philly one of the kittens n she named it pail its all very adorable. 

ARE THEY RELIGIOUS? WHAT IS THEIR RELIGION IF SO? — grew up pretty catholic cuz their parents were heavily involved in the community but doesn’t rly believe in all that/doesn’t practice at the very least

HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE THEY SLEPT WITH? — like 11.......... 12 ig

WHAT VEHICLE DO THEY DRIVE? IF THEY DON’T DRIVE, HOW DO THEY TRAVEL AROUND TOWN? — he does not hv a license........... elias n most friends r pretty good abt giving him rides but usually he jst walks/takes the bus if need be

DESCRIBE THEIR FASHION — eugh. just......... the worst. has no taste at all............ 90% of his pants r way too big for him cuz they’re jst hand me downs or thrift store finds, too lazy to check if they were his right size, uses shoelaces as a belt to keep them up, ratty sneakers that he’s shoved tissues into to make them fit, lots of 80′s styled wind breakers, mostly thrift store stuff that is either rly funny or jst a bit sad to look at, has been known to wear two different shoes at the same time if he cba looking fr both, has some nice knit sweaters w fun designs bt thts abt it

DO THEY PREFER TO BE BEHIND THE CAMERA OR IN FRONT OF IT? — behind

DO THEY BELIEVE ANY OF THE STORIES ABOUT RADCLIFFE? WHICH ONES? — ya a bit......... hes pretty into ghost stories like tht

DO THEY THINK THE MOTHMAN IS HOT? — yes absolutely.

A QUOTE THAT DESCRIBES THEM —  “I felt like crying but nothing came out. It was just a sort of sad sickness, sick sad, when you can’t feel any worse. I think you know it. I think everybody knows it now and then. But I think I have known it pretty often, too often.”

A SONG THAT THEY WOULD RELATE TO — one foot in the grave - andie