#biggest regret of my life missing out on these icons every time I remember I get So Upset

[the-awkward-outlaw]

Red Dead Secret Santa

Howdy @mileycyprus-hill​ I’m your secret Santa this year! I hope you like my gift to you! 

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Arthur sits astride his horse, his fingers aching from the cold. He shaked his hand a little, trying to fend off the ever-pressing chill. Even inside these rabbit-fur gloves, the low temperature bites his skin. Not only that, but his toes are chilled, his nose, his neck and ears. The one thing that keeps him warm is the thought of coming home to you and his two children. 

You’ve been Arthur’s anchor for many years now. Even before the gang fell apart, you were his rock. His best decision was to marry you, and his two favorite days were when his children were born. However, despite having a proper home now where you can live a quiet, peaceful, and most of all safe life, Arthur still has his wandering spirit. He definitely doesn’t stay away for as long of periods as when he was just a gang member. Usually he’s only out a couple of days. 

He’d left three days ago to go “hunting with John”. Or that’s what he told you and the kids. In reality, he’d taken a trip down to Blackwater to do some last minute Christmas shopping. He wanted something special for all three of you, and luckily Blackwater, being the large port for trade that it was, provided just that. After he’d done some shopping, he’d continued wandering to hunt for game, mostly as an excuse to you for being gone so long. 

The wind blows hard again, picking up a cloud of the freshly fallen snow and nearly taking his hat. His hand steadies it, securing it back onto his head and keeping him warm. Oh what he wouldn’t give to be in his warm home with the most important things to him. The steady mare beneath him snorts, seeming just as miserable as him. He pats her neck. “Almost home, girl.”

Around him, the iconic sharp mountains south of Valentine appear out of the fog. They’re covered in a beautiful blanket of snow, thanks to the major winter storm that had come through the night before. He looks up at the darkening sky, feeling even colder at the sight of the thick clouds. 

After another hour of riding, Arthur finally reaches the fork in the trail that will lead him home. Just as the snow begins drifting down in fat flakes again, he sees the lights of his cabin. His heart lifts at the sight, thinking about your face. 

When his mare’s in her stall with some food and a blanket on, he heads to the cabin with the gifts tucked away inside the furs in his arms. The moment he opens the door, he hears a squeal. Smiling, he drops his load on the floor and bends down to pick his five year old daughter up. 

“Papa!” she huffs in his face. She pokes his red nose. “Cold, papa.” 

“Yep, I’m cold, darlin’.” 

“I get a blanket, papa,” she says and he puts her down, chuckling as her short legs carry her off. His eyes immediately find you. His entire body warms at the sight of you coming over to him to greet him with a kiss. He returns it enthusiastically, loving the feeling of you in his arms again, right where you belong. 

“Where’s my boah?” he asks gently when you pull away. 

As though on queue, the two year old comes toddling out. He’s carrying his stuffed horse, his eyes the same color as yours nearly hidden under his mop of dirty blond hair. “Pa!” he hollers at seeing Arthur. Once again, he bends down to pick up his son. 

“Hey son. You been good for your mama?”

“Oh I don’t know about that,” you tease, patting Arthur’s back as you go over to the stove to pull dinner off. 

Smiling, Arthur puts his son down and then takes off his winter gear before helping you pull out the dishes. 

“Mm, smells so good, darlin’,” he says, looking at the meal before him. He’s just glad he got home in enough time to eat with his family. “So, how was our little girl?”

You sigh a bit. Your daughter has always been a daddy’s girl and when Arthur leaves, she can be a downright nightmare. She pouts a lot, but the likelihood of her throwing a tantrum multiplies by ten. “She’s… well, you know how she is.” 

Arthur smiles and decides to go and find her. After all, wasn’t she getting him a blanket? He goes to her room that she shares with her brother and finds her laying in bed on her favorite blanket. She instantly grins when she sees him and he knows she’s been waiting for him to come fetch her. 

“Come on, baby. You gonna come eat?”

“I have a blanket, papa.” 

He chuckles and picks her up, her blanket still clutched to her. She instantly lays her head on his chest. He loves how cuddly she is with him. He remembers briefly how when she was about a year old, she’d gotten sick. Both you and him were so scared she’d die, and Arthur spent many nights with her tucked against his chest as he sat in a rocking chair by the fire, trying to keep her alive. Ever since then, she’d been his biggest fan. 

When he walks out with her in his arms, you smile again and the four of you sit down to eat. Arthur silently says a thank you to whomever might be listening that he got home tonight. After all, tomorrow is Christmas Eve. He wouldn’t miss spending it with his family for anything in the world. 

The next day is spent in some chaos. You and Arthur always clean the house from top to bottom during the day of Christmas Eve, hampered by your two kids. Although your daughter tries to help, she’s only five. Plus it’s Christmas, which means she’s more hyper than if you’d let her drink some of your morning coffee. Her brother isn’t much better, and being two he’s as destructive as a tornado. However, you and Arthur manage to keep them mostly in check. It’s still a relief when night comes and you can finally sit down to eat dinner. 

Arthur always catches a wild turkey for Christmas Eve dinner and this year is no exception. If Arthur prides himself on anything, it’s his ability to take care of his family. He sometimes regrets not giving the same attention to Eliza and Isaac when they were alive, but he’s grown a lot since they died. When the gang fell apart, it really shook his world but when you stuck by his side he knew he’d die for you. 

Arthur sits down at the table, sighing as he prepares to carve the turkey. You’ve done your best to create a beautiful dinner; Arthur grabs your hand and tells you it looks wonderful (although he’s sure the potatoes have a little more garlic than needed). Luckily your kids are sitting relatively quiet, although it’s clear they’re jittery. 

After stuffing yourselves, Arthur does what he’s done every year since you began your family and sits down in his chair. His daughter immediately crawls into his lap, a book in her hand. 

“Papa, here’s the book,” she says, handing it to him and then curling into him. He chuckles and opens the book. He reads this every year on Christmas Eve after dinner. You sit in another chair with your son on your lap. He’s clutching his stuffed horse again, but he’s got his wooden cowboy that Arthur made him for Christmas last year. As Arthur begins to read, your son plays with his toys, thankfully quietly. 

You love listening to Arthur read, how the words come alive with his deep tones. You love watching him even more right now with his daughter tucked against him. He’s been such a blessing as a husband. Never have you had to worry about how ends would meet, about food being on the table, about your children’s safety and it’s because of his efforts. 

When Arthur finishes reading, he closes the book and his daughter yawns. “Hey, why you goin’ to sleep? We ain’t done yet, baby. Ya need your Eve gift.” 

Immediately she perks up and hops off his lap. “Papa! Go get it!” 

He chuckles and stands up, and so do you. He kisses you briefly before heading outside into the darkness. It’s traditional for your kids every year to get new pajamas and a new story book before bedtime. 

After a few minutes, he comes back in with two packages, similarly sized. Your daughter immediately squeals with excitement, but your son runs over and grabs his leg. “Pa! Up, up!” He gestures for Arthur to pick him up. 

“A’right, gimme a second, boah. Ya gotta open your present first.” 

He hands the kids their gifts and they immediately rip into them. His daughter giggles when she sees the pretty little night dress of her favorite color, while the boy inspects his new boy’s union suit. He’s young enough to not really understand the tradition yet, so he’s a little disappointed. However, he sees the children’s book and gets excited. Although he can’t read yet, he loves stories. 

After the kids have opened their present, Arthur puts his arm around you. “A’right kids. Who can get dressed in their new pajamas first?” 

Your daughter stands up, giggling madly. “Me! Me!” She books it into her arm, closely followed by her brother, although his stubby legs greatly hamper his speed. 

When the kids are in their room getting dressed, Arthur grabs your shoulders and turns you to face him. He bends down and kisses you deeply. His behavior tells you that, if the kids were already in bed, he’d be laying you down near the fire and making sweet love to you. It’s all you want as well, but too soon the kids’ door opens and your daughter comes bustling out in her new PJ’s, followed by her pouting brother. It’s obvious who finished dressing first. 

Arthur rewards both of them, telling them how good they are. He then tells them it's time to read one of their stories for bed and that the sooner they go to sleep, the sooner they get presents. You follow them all into the kids’ room and watch as Arthur sits down on your son’s bed. His daughter, as always, crawls into his lap as he reads one of their new books. It’s expected when he finishes, they both argue to him to read the other one. If it hadn’t been Christmas Eve, he probably would’ve said no, but tonight’s different. 

By the time he’s done reading, both kids are drifting off. He stands up and lays his daughter in bed, pulls the covers over her and kisses her head. After, he does the same for his son. When he’s done, you go in and say your good nights and give kisses as well. 

After both kids are put down, you and Arthur clean up the house and then lay out the kids’ presents for the morning. Without a doubt, your daughter will come out of her room in the middle of the night to gaze at them to make sure they’ve shown up. You don’t mind though, she never opens them until morning when you and Arthur have woken. 

When everything’s done, Arthur pulls you into a one-armed hug and gives you a squeeze. “Come on, beautiful. We got a long day tomorrow.” 

With a yawn, you nod and let him guide you to your bedroom. Once there, you begin pulling out your nightgown to change. Arthur’s hands are suddenly on you and he’s kissing your shoulder from behind. 

“You ain’t gonna need that now, darlin’. I’m gonna keep you warm all night.” 

Sighing, you let Arthur slip your clothes off and begin touching you. With surprising speed and strength, he picks you up and tosses you onto the bed. Giggling, you watch him crawl over your naked body. With a wicked grin, you can tell exactly what he’s going to do.

“Can I give you my gift early?” he says, but he doesn’t wait for you to respond. Sighing in the pleasure of his touches and kisses, you know it’s going to be a long night. 

[sabraeal]

Merry & Bright, Chapter 8

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 Chapter 7

Finding Gayle’s glasses turns into a production.

“Well, where did you leave them, Mom?” Kelly Ann sighs, long-suffering. By the way both her and Todd look like their souls want to ascend from their bodies, Shirayuki gets the distinct impression this is not a rare occurrence.

Gayle huffs from somewhere out in the hall, accompanied by the sounds of methodical squirreling. “Well, if I knew that, I’d be wearing them by now.”

Obi makes a strangled sound next to her, his arm vibrating against her shoulder. She steals a glance, watching the way his mouth twitches, eyes crinkled at the corner.

Something in her chest loosens, and for the first time in a day, she takes a full breath. When Obi had mentioned this trip, trying to be casual over her morning kelp, she’d known that it would be hard for him, that it would mean going to the site of his biggest regret but --

But she hadn’t expected this, a mix of both hope and hostility, acceptance and rejection. She’d half wondered if they’d get back to their-- his room tonight, and he’d say, I think we ought to go home, but now--

Now he’s relaxed, half-sprawled over the ladder-backed chairs Gayle had told her were vintage, given to her and Bob as a wedding gift, caging in a laugh by the skin of his teeth, and he looks-- good. Better than good. His teeth sink in to the flesh of his lower lips, and she could--

Really not think about that sort of thing at the dinner table, especially not with a four year old digging heartily into her penne and meatballs across from her.

“Have you checked the kitchen?” Todd asks, head tilting back until it hits the top rung of his chair.

There is a dangerous silence from out in the hall. “Now why on earth would they be out there?”

“I dunno.” He shrugs, heedless of the warning look Bob is giving him. “To read a recipe?”

They may be in Virginia, but the chill that enters the dining room when Gayle glares around the corner could be from any Boston winter.

“Todd Michael,” she starts, every bitten syllable of his name so sharp it could cut. “I have been cooking dinner in this house for forty years, and if you think I need a recipe to make--?”

“Have you checked your head, dear?” Bob offers with a beatific expression she’s only seen on Bernini statues.

“Oh God,” Kelly Ann sighs, but it’s far too late, Gayle’s already stepped back into the dining room, hands on her hips, face as blank and smooth as glass, and for a moment, Shirayuki is just overwhelmed with nostalgia. Instead of auburn she sees burnished gray, all piled up in a tight knot in the back of her head, chin tilted stubbornly, and she just-- just--

(”If you’ve looked everywhere else, Oma,” Opa says with a cheeky cant to his smile. “You might as well look at the top of your head too.”

Shirayuki claps a hand over her mouth, shoulders shaking, and Oma draws herself up to full height-- a full two inches shorter than anyone in the house-- and declares, “Jakob, the moment I forget my glasses on my own head is the moment you forget to put yours on your body in the morning.”)

--misses home, at the same time she feels like she’s arrived.

“Robert,” she starts, “I may be two years older than you, but I am far from se--”

“Did you find them, Mom?” Kelly Ann interjects, casual, reaching out to stroke Laila’s hair.

Gayle blinks. “No! I just can’t figure where I left them. I know we’ve been tidying up around the place, but I don’t think they’ve been moved--”

“Have you tried the phone?”

Shirayuki’s barely realized she’s spoken until every eye falls on her, Obi’s brows raised straight up to his hairline. She squirms in her seat, knees knocking into his, and she can feel the heat burning on her cheeks, the way a full blush blooms at her collar.

“Now there’s a thought,” Gayle murmurs, hurrying across the room. There’s only a half wall between the dining room and the kitchen, a phone hooked right in between with an address book and scraps of paper littered beneath, the wall on the kitchen side covered in sticky notes. She only has to reach over, one hand searching, before her eyes open wide.

With a small tug, she holds up her prize: a small cloth envelope, glasses half hanging out.

Bob turns around with a grin so wide, it nearly splits his face in half. “Now that was almost occult.”

Obi slings an arm around the back of her chair, expression all-too similar. “That’s Doc for you.”

“Oh, no! It’s just...” She bites her lip, hesitant. “That’s where my Oma always left hers. Opa used to say that she lived by it, judging by the mess.”

It’s strange how it aches when she says it, both too much and not enough, like a scar that’s faded faster than it should. It’s been years since they died, since she had been left in the middle of her hometown with a debt that made her sick to think about and only one way to make it even, but--

Not enough. Not to talk about them casually. Maybe not ever.

Obi’s arm bands tight around her shoulder, giving her a quick squeeze, and she can’t help but look up, look at how everyone in the room has paused, not awkwardly, but with an air of understanding. There’s no one at this table who doesn’t have their own ghosts that sit with them, and they’re happy to make space for hers as well.

“Well,” Gayle says after a long moment, sliding back into her seat, “clearly she’s a woman of good taste.”

Shirayuki almost corrects her, almost says, she’s not with us anymore, but--

But she doesn’t.

“Now then.” Wide wire-frames perch precariously on Gayle’s nose, but she squints over them to look at the screen on Shirayuki’s phone. “How do I do this?”

“Mom,” Kelly Ann groans, mortified. “You’ve seen a cellphone before.”

Gayle favors her with a stern look. “They’re all different! And the pictures are so small now.”

“Oh, it’s fine!” Shirayuki leans over, breathing in the sweet scent of lilac. She taps the photo icon, skimming through the first few on the roll. “I can just show you a few. Other people’s phones are so confusing. And I take so many pictures, so the gallery’s all cluttered.”

“That’s so nice.” Gayle gives an approving nod. “You’ve always got to take the time to appreciate the little things in life, that’s what I always say.”

“Usually when she’s already running late,” Bob supplies, dangerously.

“It’s not anything, really,” Shirayuki insists, hands fluttering as Gayle shoos her away, swiping across the screen herself. “It’s just some flowers, and a couple of landscapes, and a few pictures of our friends--”

“And they’re memories of moments you’ll always have.” Gayle’s smile is warm, proud. “There’s no need to apologizing for loving the world and your life in it.”

There’s no reason for her eyes to sting, for her throat to prickle, but here Shirayuki is, staring at her hands, trying not to have-- have emotions all over the nice tablecloth.

“Gayle says that,” Bob leans over, peeking over her shoulder, “but she has pictures where she doesn’t remember a dang thing about where they came from.”

She lets out a huff. “Well, when you live a long time, there’s a lot more to forget!”

Obi’s arm quivers around her, and with a cursory glance across the table, Shirayuki can see Kelly Ann isn’t doing much better. It’s too risky to peek at Todd, but by the way no one will look at each other, they’re all just shook soda bottles, ready to burst.

Just in time for Laila to chime in, helpfully, “And Mimi’s really old.”

The table, collectively, loses it.

Shirayuki can only watch with vague horror as Obi bends over double, laughing so hard she’s afraid he might choke, tears streaming down his cheeks. Todd and Kelly Ann aren’t doing any better; he’s only upright by virtue of clutching the table edge, and she’s draped over a chair, face twisted as far away from her daughter as she can manage, trying to stifle the hiccups that shudder out of her.

“What?” Laila pouts, put out. “It’s true!”

Bob suffers from a sudden cough, one he turns his whole head away for, hand slapped right over his mouth.

Gayle lowers the screen, staring at them over the half-moon rims of her glasses, entirely unimpressed. Shirayuki squirms in her seat, biting her lip, letting out a warning whine, one Obi doesn’t manage to hear--

But Gayle’s lips twitch, right at the corner, half a smile before she manages to smooth it out. “Ah, now there we go,” she says, ignoring the chaos around her. “Is this handsome fella the one I’m looking for?”

Shirayuki leans in, catching the untameable mop of dark hair, and she smiles. “Yes, that was just before we left! The lab had a White Elephant, he got stuck with, well...”

Gayle may need glasses, but not to recognize this logo. “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?”

“It’s a tradition,” she explains, grinning down at Ryuu’s blank expression, his skin stark white next to the brilliant, baggy green of his shirt. “The lab’s been passing it around at every holiday party for years. This year it was his turn.”

“I got a gift certificate to Christian Mingle,” Obi informs the table. Shirayuki has the pleasure of seeing the exact moment his brain catches up with him, mouth thinning into a grimace. “Uh...”

“Well,” Bob says, settling back with a smile, “I hope you regift that to someone who need it.”

“Great idea.” Obi’s smile sharpens to a point. “Hey, Toddy--”

“Don’t you even think about it, smarta--”

“Todd,” Kelly Ann says, in a tone so harsh and low there’s nothing in it but business, “I will end you.”

“--lec,” he finishes lamely. “I don’t need any help from you.”

“I know it’s hard to tell in the picture,” Shirayuki continues, louder, hoping that any distraction might keep a fight from breaking out over the penne, “but he’s actually--”

“Happy.” Gayle fixes her with a fond smile. “I know the type.” Shirayuki doesn’t miss how her gaze flicks to Obi, watching him. “He’s a serious boy, but they always give it away around the eyes.”

He leans in, oblivious, resting his head on hers. “That’s a good one, but check out this video.”

Obi pulls out his phone, video ready, the sound of Kirito and his friends tinny in the background as Ryuu rolls a skateboard up a ramp and, knock-kneed, guides it back down again.

“Oh, how precious,” Gayle coos, taking it from him, watching as Ryuu approaches the rail, wobbling. “Such a lovely boy, I can tell. Did you see, dear?”

Bob’s got an arm hooked over the ladder-back of her chair, eyes fixed to Ryuu’s first attempt at an ollie. “Look at that boy! Skunned his knees and not even shook.”

He’d actually sworn off the park for a week after that, hiding under his bench when Kirito came looking, but-- Shirayuki takes the praise. He’d gone back, after all, though he hadn’t tried one of those tricks again, yet.

“I wanna see!” Laila announces, kneeling on her seat. “Lemme see!”

“Laila-baby,” Kelly Ann warns, but Gayle waves her off.

“Go ahead, baby girl,” she says, turning the phone to her, “look all you like.”

Laila nearly launches herself over the table, attention rapt upon the screen-- which only lasts as long as it takes for her to get an eyeful of the boy on the screen.

“That’s not a baby,” she complains, “that’s an adult!”

Obi’s eyes round. “Wha--?”

“Where is your baby?” Laila demands, dropping back onto her heels with a huff.

Kelly Ann rubs her back with a long-suffering sigh. “Not everyone has a baby, honey.”

“Why not?” She eyes them both warily. “You’re adults, aren’t you?”

“Um,” Shirayuki manages, desperately looking anywhere but Obi.

“Not everyone is ready for a baby,” Kelly Ann informs her reasonably, accompanied by a pointed glance at her empty ring finger. “It’s a big responsibility.”

Laila heaves a long-suffering sigh. “Right, you gotta be married first.”

“No, no.” Kelly Ann’s mouth twitches at the corners. “You gotta be married first. Everyone else can do what they want.”

Todd snorts into his pasta. “That’s real rich coming from--”

“Todd.” Gayle’s tone leaves no room for misinterpretation.

Obi feigns a gasp. “Toddy, in front of the children?”

“She’s going to learn to count backward at some point,” he grouses, hunching in his chair, “and when whose fault will it be--?”

“Still yours,” Kelly Ann informs him, teeth flashing behind her lips. “And don’t forget, I know where you park that truck at night.”

Todd’s neck swivels, craning to look at Gayle. “Oh, so threats are okay, Mom, but I say one thing--”

“What was that, babe?” Obi asks, theatrically loud. “You’re tired?”

Shirayuki blinks. “But I haven’t finished--?”

“Oh, yep,” he continues with a warning look, standing up from his seat, “better get you up to bed then! Great dinner everyone!”

“But, Obi, we--”

“Goodnight, kids,” Bob says pointedly, raising his voice over the squabbling. “See you in the morning.”

“C’mon, quick,” Obi murmurs, pulling her after him. “Before Gayle notices.”

It is, of course, antithetical to Doc’s belief system to escape anything; there’s no room for flight in the doctrine of someone who thinks flinging themselves out two story windows is a proper punctuation to the end of an unpleasant conversation.

“We didn’t even finish dinner!” she protests with a hushed hiss, dogging his heels. “I didn’t even get to thank Gayle for the meal!”

Obi spins on the first step, pressing a finger his lips. “You’ll thank me later, now shh.”

“But--”

He squeezes her hand. “Quiet, you don’t want the dog to find us.”

Doc’s right on his heels as they mount the stairs, treading on tip-toe, trying not to disturb creaky joints or squeaky dogs. She bumps into him once, when he stills on the landing, stifling a giggle, and it’s just--

This is what kids do in high school, holding hands and giggling as they sneak up to their room, shushing each other so the dog doesn’t wake up the house. He’s done this a dozen times, snuck in after midnight through back doors and bedroom windows, told to stay quiet so no one will know, but-- but it’s never been him inviting a girl up, taking her back to his bed--

“Is the coast clear?” Doc whispers into his side, with an exaggerate look down the hall.

Obi shakes himself. That’s not what’s happening now either, except in the most literal sense. “Yeah, let’s make a break for it.”

He bolts down the hall, Doc tumbling behind him, falling against the door as he closes it. She’s flushed, ruddy-cheeked and chest heaving, eyes still adjusting to the light, and--

And it would be nothing to shift in closer, to bend the arm above her head and loom, her breath lingering on his lips--

“I can’t believe you told them about Christian Mingle,” she laughs, covering her face.

Right. This is...not real. They may make a good couple downstairs, but Doc’s got a boyfriend just a phone call away whose bank account is a logarithmic improvement over his at least twice over. Probably more. God, this is why he did biology, to get away from all the math.

“Well, I couldn’t just leave it out,” he says with a grin, sauntering away. “And besides, it was family friendly, unlike your dice--”

“I can’t believe Izuru put those in there,” she yelps, pale skin heating to pink as she pulls out her phone. “Those were definitely not, um, work appropriate.”

He didn’t think she’d appreciate his first thought, hardly anything in that lab is work appropriate. “She was probably hoping Shidan was going to get them.”

Doc grimaces, hitting the call button. “I can’t even unknow that.”

He grins, tucking his hands behind his head. “You’re welcome.”

“Hello?”

For a minute, Obi stiffens, wondering when Ryuu’s voice got so deep, if two days had already been enough for them to miss something so important as his voice dropping, if when they got back he’d already be taller than Obi himself--

“Ryuu sp--” his voice gives a terrible, staticky crack-- “eaking.”

Doc claps a hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle, and manages, “Hi, it’s us!”

There’s a surprised sort of silence on the other side of the line, and Obi’s half tempted to ask who he thought would be calling him from Doc’s number. “Oh! H-how are you?”

“In one piece, no matter what Doc tells you,” Obi informs him, earning himself a puff-cheeked glare.

“We’re just fine, Ryuu,” she says, wry, “we just finished dinner.”

“Oh, right.” He hesitates. “Is there snow there?”

“Absolutely not,” Obi says with a laugh, fingers hooking on the back of his shirt. “We’re not that far n--”

A loud thunk startles him mid-yank, and over Ryuu’s confused grunt, Doc giggle, “Oh, um, sorry, I...dropped the phone.”

“Tsk tsk,” he clucks softly, dropping his shirt on top of their bags. “Gonna cost our boss’s boss a fortune if you keep that up.”

“Oh, hush.”

“But it snows sometimes,” Ryuu insists, “I looked it up.”

“Sure.” Obi reaches for the button of his jeans. “But it doesn’t really stick, and it doesn’t stay cold--”

“How are you?” Doc jumps in, eyes fixed to the screen. “Are you and Kirito doing anything fun?”

She covers the phone’s mic and stare up at him with wide eyes. “What are you doing?”

He stares, confused. “Getting ready for bed. We’re definitely not going back down into that.”

Ryuu sighs, loud on the speaker. “He’s making me do Christmas stuff.”

“Christmas stuff?” Doc asks, mouth curving into a smile. “What sort of Christmas stuff?”

“Tree decorating. Cookie making. Singing, I guess.” He sniffs. “Kirito’s mom wants to put up mistletoe.”

“Impressed her that much?” Obi hums. Doc crosses to where he’s tucked himself into bed, picking up a pillow, and whacking him across the face.

“What?”

Obi swallows his laugh, taking the phone when she offers it. “Never mind. What’s with the--” he loses all all ability to talk as Doc turns her back to him, standing right by her duffel bag, and yanks off her shirt.

“Obi?”

“Ah.” He drops his gaze right down to where Ryuu’s still picture stares back at him. “What’s with the mistletoe, then?”

Ryuu goes silent.

He dares a glance at Doc, who is at least wearing a tank top now, even if her pants are-- distractingly-- missing. She meets it with her own raised brows, bending over to pull a pair of shorts from her bag, and --

Yep, okay. Looking time is over. “Buddy?”

“Kirito is going to have a party,” he mumbles, awkward.

Doc’s face lights up as she trots over to the bathroom, toiletries in hand. “A party?”

“Oooh.” He shouldn’t tease, he knows, but he can’t help himself-- “Will there be girls there?”

“Obi!” Doc protests around a mouth of toothpaste. She pulls the brush out of her mouth, and with exaggerated movements that leave drool dropping at the corners, she mouths, gender neutral pronouns.

Which he is a hint he would take, if Ryuu was not a very particular kind of silent.

“Ryuu.” He tries to make his voice stern, serious, but the way his mouth twitches makes it near impossible. “Do you want to kiss any of them?”

The silence persists, which give Doc plenty of time to spit out her toothpaste and give him the stink eye.

“If you decided to kiss any person,” she interjects, each word too loud and too pointed, “they would be very lucky!”

“I have to go now,” Ryuu says, “forever.”

Obi snorts. “We’ll call you in a few days.”

“Mm.”

Doc slides into next to him, warm against his side. “Have fun!”

“Yeah.” Obi leans into her, nudging her temple with his cheekbone. The scent of red apple hits him strong as his nose brushes above her hair. “I want to hear all about the girl you--”

“OKAY,” Ryuu shrills. “GOODBYE.”

The phone beeps, and Obi pulls back, smile wide. “I think that went well, don’t you?”

Doc rolls her eyes, shoving his shoulder. “Go brush your teeth.”

[sincerelyensouled]

Dani taz, Carmen Sandiego, and Mary Sage

I apologize in advance for how long this post is going to be ;;-;;

Dani

favorite thing about them I think she’s fun! Who wouldn’t love an artist who’s also into plants, a wlw, living a hotel and also a cryptid vampire creature? 

least favorite thing about them Honestly, she got so little development, I wish we got to see so much more of that. Like how long has she been at Amnesty Lodge?? Why did she get exiled from Sylvain?? What’s her favourite food?? there are so many unanswered questions 

favorite line “Aubrey you feel like home” makes me SO SOFT!

brOTP Jake Coolice bayybeeee!!! Also Barclay for some weird kitchen antics. Also Thacker! Also Mama!!! So many friends. I might have the incorrect interpretation of that Brotp is or I just might want Dani to be very loved

OTP Aubrey of course

nOTP Literally anyone else

random headcanon I think I say this literally any chance I can get but her nickname is Dandelion and only people she’s very close to can call her that! unpopular opinion uhhh.. here’s one that only might get me a callout post. At the moment, looking at canon content exclusively, Dani’s only real purpose seemed to be a prize for Aubrey. I really wish Griffin had some really rad lore to give her and I extra wish we would’ve gotten it song i associate with them Dog Days are Over by Florence + The Machine. Also, unfortunately, Riptide by Vance Joy for whatever reason. No thoughts, head song the ukulele's equivalent to Wonderwall I guess 

favorite picture of them Okay I have one piece from @/kyllu as my desktop background and it’s a drawing of Aubrey and Dani having a sleepover and Aubrey has illuminated the room with a fireball. It’s so pretty and I have such vivid memories of the first time seeing it because I was in an airport waiting for my flight home and I genuinely started crying looking at it. Also from the Davenport blog 2020 April Fool’s goof, Dani sitting on top of the roof with the caption “Tonight’s Dani misses home” is also VERY up there. 

Carmen

favorite thing about them I love older Carmens too but there is really something fun about the 2019 version actively rebelling against the way she was raised and who raised her just so she can fight for what’s right. And she’s very strong and was able to make that decision and escape all on her own! Having three “teams” in the show rather than just the two “good guys” vs “bad guys” is something I enjoy

least favorite thing about them hmmm I genuinely cannot think of anything. I am very neutral about my opinions of Carmen specifically 

favorite line ”Player, I made it. I’m off the island. I need to know where on earth I am” brOTP I *LOVE* the way her and Player’s friendship is portrayed and I can not get enough of it. They’ve been friends for over 4 years!! They call each other “Player” and “red” because that’s what they're comfortable with, no need to change it. They have a bit of an age gap but they’re still really close and they support each other so much. Geography special interest buddies. Amazing friends, respect each other’s boundaries.

OTP As much as I enjoy Carmivy I am actively opinionless

nOTP (ignoring a lot of BAD takes I see on instagram) If I see the words re//d//c.rackle one more time I am quitting

random headcanon I don’t remember how or why but one time my mom brought up the idea that Carmen has Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and I probably think about it every day of my life now. It’s not based on much because my mom hasn’t watched the show but -shrug- Oh also Carmen’s hot drink of choice is hot cocoa

unpopular opinion Player and Carmen have absolutely no reason to meet up in person, do not force them to and overstep pre-established boundaries. Also, the headcanon that she and Player are siblings simply because they are both brown people who have a close bond fucking sucks. 

song i associate with them I am bad at music favorite picture of them I’m pretty sure this doesn’t actually count but there’s this one shirt we made in a TKO game that is an image of Carmen and the caption is “carsvenm sidjsnem” and I cry laughing looking at it to this day and my biggest regret in life is not being able to buy it because the shop page got corrupted before we could save the link

Mary Sage

favorite thing about them Clint just really WENT FOR IT while making Mary. The concept of her parents owning a Bible Amusement Park, the fact she’s HIDING in said park, the anger, the betrayal, being abused and used as a living weapon by the dgf, she has the highest swear ratio in all of Commitment, the fact she is I think only once depicted standing on level ground with the PCs (almost every mention of her location is her being on top of a platform of some kind because she likes to be tall and dramatic) it’s *chef’s kiss* Let her learn how to trust people again.

least favorite thing about them WE DID NOT GET HER FOR LONG ENOUGH CLINTON. Also knowing deep down that if Commitment season 2 ever does happen the first thing that will happen is leaving Mary in the middle of nowhere never to be seen again :(

favorite line “nn-where d’ya want to go?” sticks out a lot  “Everybody wants to hurt Space Cadet!” “And Mary begins to scream”  “You… Shithead! You were gonna make me kill thousands of people!“

brOTP Remy! Remy! Remy! You don’t just unload your dramatic backstory on a person you met 5 minutes ago like that and just.... abandon them. They’d be pure chaos together, unstoppable. 

OTP Nadiya uwu

nOTP Anyone else

random headcanon Mary finds a lot of comfort in hiding in small spaces. I was going to credit this to being caused by Halleluland but that makes zero sense if anything Halleluland would be a wide-open space. But small spaces are easy to keep track of, hide away from prying eyes and control everything that’s going on with-in them. Absolutely would steal all the available pillows just so she could sit comfy in a closet or something also she’s bilingual in French because rich kid in Lousiana 

unpopular opinion uhhhhhhhh no idea. I don’t think a lot of people really gave Mary a chance

song i associate with them Dirty Imbicile by The Happy Fits

favorite picture of them The one everyone (read: 3 people) in a discord server used as their icon for a couple months because we all thought it was funny (and it was). It was cropped from a comic panel of Mary seeing Kardala for the first time which was drawn by @/ 1010lilfoot

no checking for typos we die like men

[girlbookwrm]

It’s here! At last!  THE MIGHTY PRE ENDGAME REWATCH CONTINUES, WITH:

AKA IS IT MY BIRTHDAY? YES. YES IT IS.

(or it was at any rate, it took me Some Time to get this all typed up because holy fuck it’s long. looks like i’ve got Some Feelings about The Winter Soldier. WHO KNEW)

ANYWAY, if you’re wondering what the hell this is all about i’ve been rewatching all the marvel movies (and commentating on them) in preparation for Avengers: Endgame and NOW IT IS TIME FOR MY FAVORITE ONE

I got @goteamwin​ and @pegasuschick​ here IT’S A PARTY! WE GOT COOL RANCH DORITOS AND BRAINWASHED SUPERSOLDIERS LET’S DO THIS.

Day 912: i still miss the old marvel logo

LISTEN THIS IS THE BEST OPENING SCENE IN MARVEL HISTORY FIGHT ME.

“~on your left ;)~” honestly? iconic.

God Bless Steven Grant Rogers and his Smedium Shirts.

Steve, known bisexual disaster, is hitting on Sam here. this isn’t even in question, right? Sam’s quip about “making me look good to the girl at the front desk” was a soft rejection and Steve takes it like a champ.

Important to note: the black widow uses emojis in her text messages. 

Also important to note: Sam Wilson hits on the Black Widow because he flies into combat at 100 miles per hour wearing a tee-shirt and dad jeans he fears nothing not even death itself

also also important to note that The Roommate went to see this movie by herself, low key cosplaying as Fem!Cap. she did this in part because I had gone to see it first (i was in the UK at the time, and it came out over there before it came out in the US. ~IRONY~) and as soon as I got back from seeing it (i had low-key cosplayed as fem!Hawkeye. it’s a long story) I emailed her and was like O HAI U SEEN DIS? U WILL LIKE IT. ~and she dii-iiiiiid.~

every time i see this scene now, i hear that bit from the gag real.

cevans: Kill the engines. wait for instructions. *whining and stamping his foot* cuz i’m in chaaaaaaaarge.

Being asked about your dating life and then immediately jumping out of an airplane is a Big Mood

I would like us all to appreciate that steve put a nice matte stealth finish on his patriotic dinner plate, special for this mission. 

Also, we’re all agreed that Steve kills at pool, yeah? Give me Steve being a pool shark at the local watering hole plz n thank.

Steve: *punches a guy through the shield*

The Roommate: but why does he punch that guy through the shield?

Me, having a Terrible Thought: Maybe one time he accidentally punched through a guy’s face and ever since then he uses the shield as, like, a buffer when he wants to take people alive.

The Gal Pal: WOW. YOU WENT THERE.

parkour!

~Hey Sailor ;)~

that one guy working for Batroc really needs to lay off the steroids, or whatever is giving him this Unnecessary Rage. You know the guy I mean.

love how batroc is jchilling and then WHAM! IT IS I! AMERICA!

ON! VA! VOIR!

did he learn this from Dernier? he learned this from Dernier.

The Gal Pal: that is a ridiculously huge flash drive

Me, Just Now: overcompensate much?

Nat’s little eyeroll after Steve says “you’re damn right”

The Roommate: Nat is So Tired of Steve’s Drama™. And now she’s going to have to deal with his cold shoulder the whole flight back, and she’s going to have no one to talk to but Rumlow and uggghhhhhh

Steve comes into Fury's office and Damn. Dat Ass.

The Roommate: They know what they're doing here.

eyyyyyy tony’s in this movie (kinda)

I love that Steve just like, drives around with the shield on his back. 

Enter The Smithsonian.

The Roommate: I! LOVE! THIS! SO! MUUUUUUCH!!!

Me: Gee sure would be nice to be able to go to a smithsonian right now.

*american sobbing intensifies*

The Roommate: what is the timeline here? does he come straight back from the mission into yelling at fury? and then straight here?? Is Steve just like “oop time to go look at my old stuff and Emote”? Is this his routine??

buckyyyyyyyyyyy

listen yall know the extent of my BuckRogers feels but every time they pull out that compass i develop a terrible case of The Steggies.

“It’s just not the same” ha ha kill me.

~So Dramatic ;)~

“Steve?” HA HA HA KILL ME

Fury’s Computer:

At This Juncture The Commentators Would Like It Noted That It Has Been 23 Solid Minutes of Stuff We 1000% L O V E and everyone’s favorite brainwashee has not even appeared yet.

but he’s coming

s o o n

Also, we all hate Alexander Pierce but he is a great villain and also Robert Redford might be an older fella but he can definitely still get it heyooo

Steve is so awkward here. But like, imagine him actually going to one of these VA things, like everyone’s all “ied this, helicopter that” and steve’s just like “so one time in ‘44 i punched my way into a panzer”

The Roommate, Who Is Sometimes More Evil Than Me: ~NOW IS AN EXCELLENT TIME TO REMEMBER THAT RILEY WASN’T IN A PLAAAAAANE~

at this moment, the DC driving types lost their goddamn minds.

“WHAT IS THIS? WHERE IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE? WHERE, IN WASHINGTION, THE DISTRICT OF GODDAMN COLUMBIA, IS THERE THIS LITTLE TRAFFIC, HUH??”

“You wanna see my lease?” i c o n i c. 

Did you know that SLJ was an actual Black Panther? I did not know this, but as soon as the Gal Pal told me, i was like “oh yeah that checks out.”

meanwhile, the couch based road rage continued all around me.

“This part of DC ~DOES NOT EXIIIIIIIIIIIIST~”

“Traffic alert? on the Roosevelt Bridge? Yeah in other news WATER IS WET.”

“wait is he getting on 66? ARE YOU GETTING ON 66?? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???”

“Have you ever even been on 495?????”

HE’S HERE!!!

just like, damn gurl, u make that highway ur catwalk. 

Me: What the hell kind of laser pointer do you have there, Nick?

The Gal Pal & The Roommate: It’s A Lightsaber.

The Roommate: So is this just like? An Average Day In The Life Of Captain Rogers? Get up, go for a run, annoy a veteran, fly to the other side of the world, kick ass, fly home, talk back to a superior officer, drop my priceless shield off at home, go emote at a smithsonian exhibit, have my heart ripped out by my nonagenarian ex, go flirt with annoy a veteran (part two, now with added Feelings™) go home, get rejected by my neighbor, CHASE A FUGITIVE.

JUST ANOTHER DAY! IN THE LIFE OF STEVEN GRANT ROGERS!!

honestly his neighbors must hate him

that’s why Sharon’s his neighbor, everyone else LEFT.

The Biggest Flash Drive

Let’s Not Forget, that because she is undercover as a nurse, Sharon probably just kicked that door down with crocs.

YOU’RE WELCOME

let’s appreciate that the Soldier’s theme music is just SCREAMING and also you should know that every time it comes on, the Gal Pal and I start SCREAMING. not, like, in an “oh we’re excited” way, just, like, the way you sing along to the theme song of your favorite TV show, you know?

PARKOUR!

The Roommate: good job with your eyeliner there, buddy. You Did Your Best.

The Gal Pal: That Is Dupont Circle and Steve is Extremely Gay. 

(yes, we know he’s bi.)

Natasha really should know better than to believe that Nick is dead.

THAT IS THE WORST PLACE TO HIDE THE FLASH DRIVE

The Gal Pal: genuinely, it’s such a bad hiding place it stresses me out.

The Roommate: Yeah, what was he thinking? I mean, was his logic just that no one likes that gross bubblegum?

Me: UM WHAT?

The Gal Pal: EXCUSE YOU THAT IS BUBBLE YUM.

The Roommate: ... yeah but it’s the gross bubblegum flavor?

At this point we lost a few minutes to divide into Pro and Anti Bubblegum Camps and then had to run the movie back because we missed:

~Neighbor ;)~

i c o n i c

The Roommate: Sir. Stop Having That Face. That is Illegal.

(she is having A Difficulty. The Difficulty is cevans’ jawline)

But seriously: What actually happens in this scene? We are all Steve and we all want to punch our way out of this confusing conversation.

God that face/those tits/that ass tho

Young Man. You Stop That.

THE ELEVATOR SCENE. I mean how many movies can say that some of their best scenes happen in an elevator? That alone is a real accomplishment.

They’re all ~soooo casual~ and then there’s rollins, who isn’t even trying. “records.” These WWE wrestlers are not going to records, come on.

at this point we stopped commentating except in inarticulate whoops of delight and shrieks of glee. except for one brief aside

Me: This scene is so sexy, but like, not in a sexy way? Like, the fighting style isn’t that “oooo I’m fighting in a sexy way” it’s just, it’s so...!

The Roommate: Primal?

and I regret to inform you all that yes, she is 100% Correct, it is indeed sexy in a primal way.

“whoa big guy”

i just.

that’s all i got on that

tiny turtle of freedom

we had the subtitles on, and it just says “woman screams” Screams in what? JOY? 

It’s raining men! Hallelujah!

“Stand down, Captain Rogers! Stand! Down!

Captain Rogers: *accelerates*

They’re being made to watch social media so what I want to know is which poor SHIELD guy got stuck monitoring tumblr?

“oh we’re getting all kinds of hits but uhhhhhhhhh they’re not......... pertinent..............”

why doesn’t The Biggest Flash Drive have a cap? it is now full of crumbs. it’s full of crumbs, guys. if it’s going to be that big it should at least be one of those cool slider ones.

“Are you calling for my resignation? do you know who i am? Bitch I Am Robert Redford.”

Apple Store Aaron. “hey guys why’s your flash drive so big??”

“yeeeah. we’re getting married.”

Honeymoon destinations -- where are you going?

Steve: (without thinking, reads the first thing he sees) New Jersey

Steve: *dies a little inside*

Steve: *forgive me bucky for i have sinned*

I love that they’re coming out and Steve is 100% tactical brain and then Nat’s just like “put your arm around me and laugh” and when it works Steve just looks back over his shoulder like:

oh my god it worked???

sPyING is WitCHCraFT?????

“was that your first kiss since 1945?”

“That was not my first kiss since 1945,” said Steven Grant Rogers, Who Is Definitely Lying, and Furthermore, Is Fooling Exactly No One.

Sidenote: Ship and let ship, obviously and always, but I love Steve and Nat as BROS too much to ever see them romantically, The Bromance Is Strong With Them.

it’s been said before, but it’s worth saying again

Steve: kind of hard to find someone with shared life experience.

Bucky, ten minutes later, wearing bondage gear: HELLO IT IS I

SKINNY STEVE!

of course he memorized the army regulations.

Listen. The cell phone trick Bugs Me™ and the only thing that lets me get through it is the idea that they cleverly cut around natasha standing there for 40 minutes trying out every possible permutation of those numbers, with possible duplications.

I like the idea that Computer!Zola has been building this little fanvideo since the mid-seventies and he’s just! so excited! to show it to someone!

Steve punching the screen is another Big Mood.

“even captain america and the black widow can’t survive a missile Directly To The Face” BITCH U THOUGHT

it’s nice that they give bucko a kirk light here

~u want some milk? ;)~

honestly, what the fuck even is that line.

they made Robert Redford say that line.

what does it mean

YOUNG MAN! THAT IS! ILLEGAL!

altho tbh i want a slightly grubby Steve in a tank top to give me a pep talk, like, every day. that would be fine.

The Gal Pal, A Curly Haired Individual: hhhhhhhow did Natasha straighten her hair. This makes me So Angry.

Me: I mean, I like to imagine her with Sam’s Iron and ironing board, just like *mimes frantically ironing hair with a Very Soviet Expression*

Fort Meade is the best scene that isn’t in the movie.

Aw Gary Shandling’s here. Awwwww Gary Shandling...

Sam, are you intimidating this guy or flirting with him?

To Those who remember the Potato/Gremlin Scale, I propose a third option, a kind of venn diagram situation going on, where the third option is Fey Creature. Sam is neither Potato nor gremlin, but he might be a Fey Creature.

God I love this scene.

LOOK AT SAM HERE: No armor, no flightsuit, no fucking knee pads no goddamn helmet just Casual Dad Falcon, Suns Out Guns Out.

Steve: What the fuck’s an SAT.

he’s coming.

*SCREAMING*

he’s here.

is it murder or is he modeling?? “you got this Soldier, make ‘em wait for it... Boom.”

this is the greatest fight scene of all time, honestly. This and then the fight scene in the first RDJ holmes movie are the Only fight scenes i can even remotely stand to watch. Except maybe some of the bending battles in ATLA. but this scene. this is top of the list. it’s just. *kissy chef fingers*

Soldier strolling along not firing his weapon because he has no shot and he is a Child of the Depression who don’t waste no bullets.

only loses his cool when Widow Breaks his stuff.

Sam Wilson: Brings a pocket knife to an automatic rifle fight and wins.

“go, I got this!”

aw yeah you do

THAT STRUT™

Soldier strolling along the street. so bored. could be home watching project runway.

That thing Soldier does with the arm Does Things to me for reasons that I choose not to examine too closely

ANYWAY WE DON’T HAVE TIME TO UNPACK ALL OF THAT.

“who the hell is bucky” wow there Soldier you went from Full Russian to American Accented English awfully quick I Wonder Why

Soldier’s reaction to confusion is to Immediately Shoot and honestly that’s a Big Mood.

We are all agreed that the only reason SHIELD succeeds in taking Steve in is because

look at that face

steve’s not here right now, please leave a message.

More DC Area Rage: “WHERE IS THIS DAM? WHERE??”

natasha y r u surprised that Fury is alive?

oh noooooooooooo it’s time for this scene

OHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOO

Robert Redford to James Buchanan Barnes: You are a literal treasure.

OH NO OH NO OH NO

The Roommate: yeahhhhh this was maybe an. inappropriate scene for me to have to see in a theater. alone.

I love that while they’re making this ridiculous plan (yeah it’s ridiculous, i don’t care) Fury has to check in with Sam (WHO HE HAS LITERALLY NEVER MET BEFORE) presumably to just touch base and be like “Is this White Nonsense™?”

spoiler alert it is not White Nonsense™, but it definitely is Extra™

DAT JAWLINE THO. of course he’s giving the orders, LOOK AT THAT JAWLINE

LIL STEEB!

I’m with you to the end of the line.

what kind of marriage vow nonsense is that

jesus.

anyway, Sam comes in like: IT IS I! YOUR BEST FRIEND! YOUR BEST FRIEND IS ME NOW!

poooterrrr!!

This is the second secure government facility that they have broken into. Possibly the third, depending whether you count the bunker.

Dem Asses. Seriously. Everyone in this shot has an enviable ass. *distinguished golf clapping* bravo

“~Excuse us~” i c o n i c

God, Steve gives this speech and then we get sam’s reaction and you can physically see him having a sexual identity crisis and honestly BIG MOOD THERE, SAM

I have questions about the effect of this on the potomac river which has already had a hard enough time and does not deserve this Supervillain Nonsense.

you are ON FOOT steven. it is a FLYING AIRCRAFT CARRIER and you are ON! FOOT!

i’m so mad that it works too

mad, but like, also turned on. duh.

what’s cap’s true superpower? DRAMA

The saddest thing in this movie is that Jenny Agutter is Scarlet Johansson

don’t get me wrong, i like scarjo but this movie would’ve been even better if it wasn’t the black widow and was just a badass old british lady.

The Roommate: Sam’s superpower is that he’s the sane one.

Me: He flies into combat at 100 miles per hour with a jet pack and a tee shirt he is not the sane one.

The Roommate: Sam’s superpower is that he’s the emotionally balanced one?

Me: given the aforementioned armorless airborne combat situation that is highly fucking debatable my dude.

*SCREAMING*

HE’S HERE

let’s appreciate that Bucky is definitely flying this quinjet with a dead guy that he just murdered as his copilot.

i don’t know why that is so badass to me but it is

again, we don’t have time to unpack all of that, moving on.

Nick Fury: BITCH YOU THOUGHT

sidenote: i’m gonna really enjoy coming back to this movie after Captain Marvel. I can just feel it.

Maria is so casual about this. And that is an extremely sexy thing. I’m not sorry.

“Hey Sam, I’m gonna need a ride.”

Sam is still learning Rogersese and does not know that this means “I ALREADY DID THE STUPID THING PLEASE COME GET ME.”

Bucky ripping the wings off a beautiful butterfly

because Sam IS a beautiful butterfly.

except now his knees and legs and ankles are all broken because That’s How Bones Work.

he’s here

lol of course he’s got a knife.

I just love the sounds the arm makes.

butwedon’thavetimetounpackallofthat

the slide Bucky does here, this isn’t combat this is voguing.

Steve fights like the world is his barroom, bucky fights like the world is his catwalk.

“DON’T YOU TALK TO MY DAUGHTER LIKE THAT,” Nicholas J Fury

what’s the found family version of a BroTP? I have that for Dad!Nick and Adopted!Soviet!Assassin!Daughter!Natasha.

found familotp? FFOTP? no, that sounds like some kind of tactical asset. “LAUNCH THE FFOTP”

anyway, get on this tumblr, i want at least 10 options on my desk by monday.

This Extra. He could honestly make a living playing Confederates and Klansmen, you know which extra I mean.

“wHere ahre the tahrgets?”

the targets... is we.

A DC Local Aside: Everyone on 495 is So Tired of this nonsense. I sincerely hope they all remembered to pee before they left work. I hope they have snacks and water in their cars. because they now live on 495.

this shitshow is gonna fuck up our already extremely fucked up traffic patterns for yeeeeaaaaarrrrrssssss

Sam’s a born quipper, so i really like it when he sees the helicarrier coming down and just fucking bolts. NO TIME FOR SASS WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE

“Got a location on Rogers?”

Don’t know where he is, but he’s doing something stupid, i Guarantee It.

“you know me.”

“nNOo I dOn’T!”

Oh Steve. You put that shield down So Often. And you keep having to fucking pick it up a-fucking-gain.

And This Was The Moment When We All Realized That We Were In Trouble.

Big Mood, Bucky. Big Mood.

Sam wasn’t on the approved visitor’s list or anything, he just winked at one (1) nurse and they let him in.

i know just what to say it’ll annoy him so fucking much. “on your left.”

“Why haven’t we heard from Captain Rogers?”

Because he is taking a damn nap.

no but seriously, because if we put him in front of a camera right now, you will get the Talking To of the Century.

*eight hours later, congress is crying, hydra has surrendered, fox news is shutting down, steve rogers is still going strong* “AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON STUDENT DEBT!”

~cool guys don’t look at congressional meltdowns. They drop the mic and they walk away~

IT WAS CLEVELAND, IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING.

THEY FILMED IN CLEVELAND.

(they did film some in DC, obviously, but also cleveland.

*emoting at exhibits intensifies*

*SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

in sum i have been typing for Too Long and I’m going to hit post so i can Go To Bed but there may need to be Corrections in the morning who tf knows

[trauma-13]

You know the drill. All them asks. 😈 (is this deja vu?)

You got it dude!! (It is...cause I fucked up 😂)

The meaning behind my url:

Trauma because it's my favorite area of nursing.

Princess because I'm a fuckin princess.

93 because the year I was born.

A picture of me:

If you look hard enough you'll find one on here. Also my icon is me soooo.

How many tattoos i have and what they are:

Oh good lord. I have quite a few....

1. Mom's last name on my left wrist.

2. Flowers on my right foot.

3. Tribal-ish heart my brother drew on the back on my neck.

4. Walt Disneys signature on my left foot.

5. Mickey and Minnie behind my ears.

6. A prior dogs paw print on my left ankle.

7. A dandelion on my right shoulder blade with music notes.

8. My dog, Axel, paw prints on my collar bones.

9. A moon on my right ankle.

10. A semi colon on my right wrist (ulnar side)

11. A arrow on my right wrist (radial side)

12. A humming bird on my right forearm.

I think that's it... for now...

Last time i cried and why:

I dunno, honestly. I cry frequently hahah

Piercings i have:

Labret/Monroe

Ears gauged to a 00.

Traugus both sides

Right sided daith.

Nipples.

Favorite band:

Sooo many. Currently imagine dragons.

Biggest turn offs:

Bad hygiene, liars, cheats, narcacists.

Top 5 (insert subject):

???

Tattoos i want:

Too many to list, honestly.

Biggest turn ons:

I'm a big physical touch person, so basically anything where I'm being touched.

Age:

26

Ideas of a perfect date:

Doing something totally new that neither of us has experienced.

Life goal:

Pediatric ICU trauma nurse, be a mom, be a good wife.

Piercings i want:

Maybe my left daith. Probably a 2nd lobe hole.

Relationship status:

Very happily engaged.

Favorite movie:

Steel magnolias (the old one), Moana, Mean Girls.

A fact about my life:

I'm a nurse, I work in the ER and medsurg/tele, I have 2 doggos, and 2 kittens, I'm practically married at this point, I live on the surface of the sun.

Phobia:

Spiders, failure.

Middle name:

I'ma pass on telling the world that.

Height:

5'6" with shoes on.

Are you a virgin?

Naaah.

What’s your shoe size?

Between 9-10 depends on the shoe and brand.

What’s your sexual orientation?

I am bisexual, however I'm in a heterosexual relationship.

Do you smoke, drink, or take any drugs?

Drink yes, no to the others.

Someone you miss

@car-one-responding

What’s one thing you regret?

Suffering in an abusive relationship because I didn't think I had a way out.

First celebrity you think of when someone says attractive:

Chris Evans.

Favorite ice cream?

I'm honestly not a big ice cream person, but we have some delicious basil-lime sorbet from a local store that I'm obsessed with.

One insecurity:

Weight.

What my last text message says:

"I re sent it. Just delete the other one I guess? Lol" from @car-one-responding in reference to this cause I done FUCKED IT UP.

Have you ever taken a picture naked?

Mmmmhhhhhmmmmm.

Have you ever painted your room?

Not recently at all, but as a kid yeah.

Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex?

Yep, couple times.

Have you ever slept naked?

I usually do.

Have you ever danced in front of your mirror?

Almost every day hahah

Have you ever had a crush?

Duuuh, who hasn't hah

Have you ever been dumped?

Aldo duuuh.

Have you ever stole money from a friend?

Nope. I'm a very honest person.

Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met?

Hmm. Probably.

Have you ever been in a fist fight?

Does patients attacking count?? I didn't punch, but I got punched.

Have you ever snuck out of your house?

Yep.

Have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?

I think just about everyone has.

Have you ever been arrested?

No. Im from a tiny Town where my dad was a cop, mom was a nurse. So everyone knew me.

Have you ever made out with a stranger?

No I don't think so.

Have you ever met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere?

Like...in a sexual way? Or like hung out? If so yes to both hah

Have you ever left your house without telling your parents?

Yeah, however I'm a pretty open person. I usually tell my mom where Im going. She raised me as a single mom, and I had a lot of freedom as long as I was open and honest with her. That's just transferred into adulthood.

Have you ever had a crush on your neighbor?

No. But I purposely became friends with an old neighbor cause he had a cute ass dog named Max.

Have you ever ditched school to do something more fun?

Yep. Got busted too haha

Have you ever slept in a bed with a member of the same sex?

Uh huh! It's called sleep overs, duh aha

Have you ever seen someone die?

Unfortunately, that's part of my job. Not everyone gets saved in the ER. Plus in the hospital where I work there is a very large group who has very strict rules about death, so frequently we admit people to die either to the floor if we suspect it'll be a couple days, or the ER if we think it'll be quick. Death can be a beautiful process, or it can be horrific, and traumatizing...just depends how ya look at it.

Have you ever been on a plane?

Yeah quite a few times!!

Have you ever kissed a picture?

Honestly what little girl didn't kiss a picture of Leonardo DeCaprio...

Have you ever slept in until 3?

Bro I'm a mid/nightshifter. Weird sleep schedules are my life.

Have you ever loved someone or miss someone right now?

Weirdly worded question. But yes I have loved, yes I do miss people.

Have you ever laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by?

Yes!! It's one of my favorites. I also love to watch the stars.

Have you ever made a snow angel?

Yeah!!! It's super fun!!

Have you ever played dress up?

Yeah!!

Have you ever cheated while playing a game?

Queen of attempting to cheat at games and failing miserably 🙋‍♀️

Have you ever been lonely?

Mhmm. Side affects of working away from my family.

Have you ever fallen asleep at work/school?

I'm forever sleepy, so yeah.

Have you ever been to a club?

Yeah couple times!

Have you ever felt an earthquake?

Once as a kid. I don't remember much of it besides it waking me up, and I woke up my mom because I didn't know what it was. I was maybe 7?

Have you ever touched a snake?

I love snakes. They're such cool animals.

Have you ever ran a red light?

That may or may not be why I didn't have a drivers license for 3 yrs.

Have you ever been suspended from school?

Nope 😏 I did get temporarily kicked out of nursing school and fought my way back in though. That's a tale for another time.

Have you ever had detention?

Once, for chewing gum.

Have you ever been in a car accident?

Yeah, nothing serious though. *knocks on all the wood*

Have you ever hated the way you look?

I feel like everyone has, unfortunately.

Have you ever witnessed a crime?

1. I live where I live, it's a regular occurrence. We don't carry a gun for no reason.

2. Used to work in the heart of the ghetto.

3. Used to live 5 mins from there.

Safe to say I've seen a crime or two.

Have you ever pole danced?

One drunken Halloween, yes.

Have you ever been lost?

Physically not emotionally? Yes to both haha

Have you ever been to the opposite side of the country?

I have yeah!!

Have you ever felt like dying?

Yeah, on quite a few occasions I don't talk about.

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?

Yep.

Have you ever sang karaoke?

Again, drunken Halloweens.

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?

Im sure I have.

Have you ever laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?

Yes I have, it's not fun.

Have you ever slept with someone at least 5 years older or younger?

Hmm.....I don't actually think so.

Have you ever kissed in the rain?

Yes!!

Have you ever sang in the shower?

Every single time.

Have you ever made out in a park?

Mhmm!

Have you ever dream that you married someone?

Yes, and I'm marrying him in a little over a month.

Have you ever glued your hand to something?

My other hand hahah

Have you ever got your tongue stuck to a flag pole?

No..but not for lack of trying.

Have you ever gone to school partially naked?

Uh, no haha

Have you ever been a cheerleader?

Nah, I was a band geek.

Have you ever sat on a roof top?

Yes, it's a great time.

Have you ever brushed your teeth?

I want to say "who hasn't" but we all know there's those people who haven't...

Have you ever been too scared to watch scary movies alone?

Sometimes, yes.

Have you ever played chicken?

Not huh.

Have you ever been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?

Probably so.

Have you ever been told you’re hot by a complete stranger?

Yep.

Have you ever broken a bone?

A few yeah. My nose, jaw in 3 places, my tail bone, my ankle.

Have you ever been easily amused?

Have you met me....

Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?

Like 45 mins ago hahah

Have you ever mooned/flashed someone?

Yep, regularly occurs in my house.

Have you ever cheated on a test?

Probably way back in the day, but I don't remember anything specific. I'm a pretty honestly person, so if I don't know it, then oh well.

Have you ever forgotten someone’s name?

Every fucking day of my life!

Have you ever met someone who didn’t seem real?

Not quite sure...?

Give us one thing about you that no one knows.

Once upon a time, I was like 13 or 14. I was hanging out with my mom while she cooked dinner and eating a carrot. I suddenly sneezed. I then had a carrot chunk stuck in my sinuses. I could feel it, but mom didn't believe me. So for 3 days straight I blew my nose constantly. And I finally got the carrot chunk out.

[ltjlily17]

Oh, can we call it a night?

What’s the most played song on your iPod? I don’t iPod anymore these days, but theres a site that will aggregate your Spotify listening, and the song I’ve listened to the most all time on Spotify is In Your Atmosphere by John Mayer. What is one quality you admire most in others? People who know what they want to do with themselves. What would you do with a million dollars? Invest it, maybe? Buy a new car. Start a non-profit that will save the world. Or just a small part of it. What’s your favorite song to dance to? All of them. What would your ideal birthday party be like?

No idea.This year I went to my favorite pizza place with a couple of friends, my mom and husband. Was pretty good.

If you could be reincarnated into anything you wanted, what would it be? I’m not sure I believe in any of that. What talent would you like to have? I wish I was ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC at something. I’m good at most things, and can get by, but I’m not outstanding at any singular thing.  Are you ticklish? Nah. What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleep? 3 days or so. I basically had the flu and felt like I was dying. Not like the real flu either, theres this illness you get when your body hasn’t slept in too long. What New Year’s resolutions did you make? None. What are three songs that mean the most to you? Mayonaise by the Smashing Pumpkins, Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton and Bornand Raised by John Mayer. Someone else used these italics and I’m just running with it.

Who is the one person you miss the most? No one? What do you think of your parents? They are flawed people. I make the best out of my relationship with my mom, but I’m just not sure I want to bother with my dad. What is one thing you would do to make the world better? Instill a sense of community. People would be so much better off if we all gave a shit about the other people we are on this planet with. What is your favorite kind of sandwich? Hot, cheesy, some kind of sauce. Other than that, I’m flexible. If you had a puppy, what would you name it? I got a puppy 2 years ago and his name is Finn. We wanted a Star Wars name and Supreme Leader was the runner up name. If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do? I can’t think of anything I’d wanna see. What people do behind closed doors is their business lol. How much cash do you have on you right now? None. I’m in pjs, but beyond that, I rarely use cash. What do you think makes you attractive to other people? Humor or personality? Would more money make you happier? I don’t know. We have a comfortable amount now, minus paying for healthcare. Steve may have a job offer that would cover the healthcare, but would I be happy not working? Would I just turn into a loser slug? What is one of your favorite memories as a child? I really don’t know. My parents pretty much screamed and threw things all the time until my dad moved out. Then they played horrible games with me in the middle. There’s a lot of stuff I don’t even remember about being a child. I’d say the good stuff started happening when I was a teen and could seek refuge in my friends and their stable houses. I had one friend in particular, Andrew, whose mom and dad were super nice and he had a fun little sister- every time I was over there, which was VERY often, it was like a slice of the good life. What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do in your life? This was on another survey and I didn’t know how to answer it. I think once it’s done I just move on, I’m really a dweller. How do you measure intelligence? Unsure. I guess you just get a feeling for someones intelligence as you’re interacting with them.

What cartoons do you watch? None at the moment. I did just get Disney+, so that may change, but there aren’t really any cartoons I’m planning on watching. Have you ever used drugs? Nope. If you were a Skittle, what flavor would it be? The purple one. Sleeper hit. How would you describe your style? Hmmm. Casual indie bohemian with a side of lazy fat person. If you had to spend $1,000 in one hour, how would you spend it? The internet. Generally, my money goes to clothes or Halloween decorations. I really wanna buy some regular decor for the house though, so maybe that. What’s your favorite smell and why? I don’t have one. Something not flowery or overbearing. Something fresh and natural. Where do you buy your clothes? Anthropologie, ModCloth, Target, Gap, Old Navy, Loft. What’s your favorite kind of cake? Birthday cake? Funfetti? Does intelligent life exist elsewhere in the universe? I have absolutely no idea. I used to think that it was just statistically impossible that there wasn’t, but fuck I don’t even know how any of this got here, so I no longer have an opinion. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be? MilkBar birthday cake. Are you into tattoos? I guess so? I like the art of them, I follow a lot of tattoo people on instagram and keep up with their work. I just got my first tattoo a week ago and I’m 35, so it’s not like something I do a lot, ha ha. Do you like photography? I do. I have illusions that I’m a photographer sometimes. I should be currently editing a wedding right now, but here I am. I’m just not sure I’ll ever be the kind of photographer I’d like to be, so I don’t know what I wanna do with it going forward. If you were a holiday, which one would you be? Halloween 100% Do you have any siblings? Nope. If you were to get a tattoo, what would it be of? I just got one. It’s a bat pusheen. I really wanted a bat of some sort and pusheen is my favorite so I just went for it. I always thought my bat tattoo would be a little more dark, but it is what it is lol. What’s the biggest celebrity you’ve ever seen in real life? I hid behind a dumpster when I was like 14 and 3 of the Backstreet Noys walked right by me, ha ha. I have some photos with me and the guys from Good Charlotte from when I was a wee teenybopper. How many pushups can you do? Absolutely zero. What person in history do you admire most? None? I don’t think I admire anyone. These surveys are quickly informing me that I don’t believe in anything or look up to anyone. Am I inert? Who is your favorite actor? I don’t have one. Ha ha, see above. I like most of the stuff Chris Pratt is in. Robery Downey Jr as Iron Man is iconic, but I’ve never seen any of his other movies. I like Adam Driver in Girls and Star Wars. What is the most daring thing that you have done in public? Spoke. Have you ever lied about your age? I don’t think I’ve ever had cause to. Have you ever cried while watching a movie? If so, what movie? For sure. Everything makes me tear up in my old age. Last movie was probably Endgame, though. Are you afraid of anything that most people are not afraid of? Not like huge, life changing fears, but I’m always afraid a bug will get caught in my hair and I can’t touch drains because they freak me out. Where do you see yourself five years from now? I’ve never been one to make plans. Hopefully happy with more direction. What is your favorite candy? Fun Dip, Nerds, Starburst. Have you ever watched someone struggle with addiction? Not someone suer close, but there are lots of auxillary people I know that have and do. Who do you look up to for your style? No one in particular. I see things on the internet I like and try to incorporate that, but its always varied sources. Who is your favorite sports team? I don’t follow sports. How often do you drink alcohol? Once every two weeks? Even then, its usually just one drink with dinner. I don’t much care about drinking. It seems like a lot of work to fill myself up with something I don’t really like the taste of just so I can potentially feel bad later.  What is your life in three words? Evolving yet bland. If you could be anything in the world, what would you be? I knew that, I’d be working towards it. Would you have a pet dragon? If so what color would it be? Sure. Whatever color dragon is fine with me. What’s your favorite sport? The only one I even kind of pretend to care about is baseball. Do you believe that homeless people are dangerous? No.  If you could be skinny and miserable or fat and happy, which would you be? I’d always pick happy. If your life flashed before you, what do you wish you would have done? Hmmm, I don’t know. I don’t have like any huge regret at the moment so probably just wish I’d have enjoyed myself more. If you were to invent something, what would it be? Hopefully something that makes the world better. Some kind of climate change related thing?  Who would you like to get to know better? This wholesaler real estate guy that has been selling us properties. Maybe if we knew him better, he would give us better deals, lol. Have you ever had a near-death experience? Near drowning when I was seven. Do you fear death? Yep.  What is the strangest food you ever ate? Hmmm. I like food with interesting combinations. Like smelly cheese or beet pesto or something, but I’m not on board with weird meat and I don’t eat seafood. Do you think you’re cool? Nah. What reality show would you like to be on? None. I don’t watch any of them. The only show like that I ever watched was the Osbournes, ah aha. What’s your favorite thing to order at a Chinese food restaurant? Whatever is gluten free. Ususally no choices for me at most chinese places. PF Changs has pad thai and general tsos I can have and another place nearby has general tsos too, but thats about it.

I loved lo mein and crab rangoon in my former life, though. Are you happy with your life? For the most part. If you could name your own planet, what would you call it? I’d need some plantary details before coming up with a name. If you could live another 200 years. What would you hope to see? People learning that we need to work together. Would you rather be hot or cold? Well, I’m cold like 90% of the time and that sucks, but at least you can do something about it and layer up and get blankets and such- if you’re hot, you’re just stuck. How would you rate yourself? What am I rating here? I’m like a 0 at makeup skills, but like an 11 if you need someone to pick you up in an emergency. 10 at playlist making. 1 at doing the dishes. Would you ever move to a different country in an attempt to start over? Maybe not to “start over”, but I would definitely consider a dream job in another country if all the details worked out. If you could be a character from any book, who would you be? No idea. I read a lot of Stephen King and none of those characters are alright.  Do you prefer taking baths or showers? I’d love to take a bath, but I’m a little big for the tub. Do you still collect toys from Happy Meals? Nope. I never ate happy meals even as a kid, so I never did. What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done? I drove two states over for a sandwich once. It was like a 15 hour round trip. In your opinion what is the greatest challenge the world faces today? People being willing to fuck over every one else if they think it will benefit them in any tiny, miniscule way. You are destroying everything by being an asshole and letting the people that really have all the money get away with it. Do you like dogs or cats better? I was 100% cat until I got a dog 2 years ago. I’m mostly dog at this point. Don’t tell my cat. What have you achieved that you once thought was impossible? Hmm, I don’t know. I’m a lot better off than my parents were. I just kind of thought the constant worrying about the car breaking down or the bills being paid was grown up life, so its nice to get here and know that I worked hard to not have those problems. If an ex texted you out of the blue, how would you respond? I don’t think I would. I’ve been with Steven for a decade, so theres def nothing that needs to be said to anyone that far back. Do you have a favorite poet? I don’t. I really like some poems I’ve read randomly in my internet travels, but I’ve never really been able to sit down and read a book of poetry. What have you tried to quit, but weren’t able to? Eating too much food? Would you rather go on a shopping spree with $200 or put it in the bank? I’d rather go shopping. I might save it, though. What was the last rumor that you heard? No idea. I don’t really have rumors around me at this point in my life. My friends aren’t like that and I’m not working anywhere at the moment. What country star would you most like to meet and why? I don’t really know who any of them are. Have you ever been in a car accident? Yes. One of them happened when I was like 15 and it pinched a nerve in my neck and half of my left hand went numb. My mom didn’t believe me for a really long time that there was something wrong until she watched me try to pick up a glass of milk with my left hand and it just fell to the floor. Are you an organ donor? Yes! What is the most dangerous thing you have ever done? Unsure. I’m fairly adventurous, but I don’t do super dangerous things. I guess just trespassing in old abandoned buildings when I was younger could have been dangerous. What is the meaning of life? Moments of joy. For you and others. What word do you like the sound of? Nothing in particular jumps out to me. Isn’t Cellar Door supposed to be lovely? What’s your favorite ice cream flavor? Hmmm. I don’t know. Its more about the brand I think. I usually get Jeni’s or the other fancy ice cream brand when I get the chance. 

I always get the cake flavored froyo, though.  Do you prefer cupcakes or muffins? Cupcakes. Are you an athlete? Ha ha, no. What did the last text message on your phone say? From my brother in law. He’s doing the work on the house we just bought, getting it ready for a renter. He wants more money, lol. What is the funniest movie you’ve seen in your whole entire lifetime? Man, I don’t know. I think maybe Grandma’s Boy was the funniest I had seen at the time. I usually don’t even like movies like that. What’s the worst nightmare you’ve ever had? I had this dream when I was a kid that I left the scissors out and they flew up and cut my moms fingers off and the whole dream was dark and black and white because it was night, but at the end, she picked up the phone (landline, because cell phones weren’t a thing then) and the only color was the green light coming from the phone that illuminated the numbers and she was trying to dial 911 with her fingers that weren’t there. 

I probably had that dream close to 30 years ago now and it’s still clear in my mind. 

What do you know how to cook? Lots of things. I’m especially good at carbonara or alfredo. What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had, and what was it from? I fell down the stairs and broke several bones, severely sprained both ankles and ended up getting surgery to fix the cartilage in one ankle. What’s your favorite amusement park ride? Any that my fat ass can fit on. What do you wish you were doing right now? Well i’m doing this instead of things I should be doing. Who are your musical influences? I don’t play music, so I’m not really influenced? What was your favorite band or musician when you were 12? The Smashing Pumpkins, Bush, Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson and the Back Street Boys, ha ha. What’s the best pick-up line that’s ever been tried on you? I don’t think anyone has ever given me one. How many drinks can you handle? I don’t really know at this point. Getting older changes things. I know that if I have one drink and then stop, I get a headache, lol. What was the longest phone conversation you’ve ever had? Hours and hours. Like 7 or 8 probably? Back in my day you could only talk to boys on the phone because we didn’t have cell phones or text messaging and you only had dial up internet. What’s your favorite candle scent? I got one from Anthropologie called Riviera that was my favorite candle scent ever. I bought two, but they are sold out now and I am very sad.

[sunnysynthsunshine]

3rd Comedy Monologue

“Do any of you remember Rugrats?”

“The 90s cartoon about talking babies that went on adventures”

“Yeah well you know Angelica the whiny,spoiled character?”

“I actually kind of liked her maybe it’s because I related to her when I was little or maybe it’s because I liked how cool she was she was able to tell the babies about stuff they didn’t know about, playing a part in their imagination.”

Anyways speaking of children,they’re alright and they are usually one of the following

“Mummy Daddy why do they get to pick a sweet not me what did I do?”

“Waaaa I want that I want that”

“Hi there, do you want to play?

“Your good at art,I couldn’t draw like that”

“Thank you young soul you are too pure for this world”

Me on the other hand,was a whinging cowardly little sod

Now I’m not a child anymore but I am still mistaken as one

Yeah,that happens

17/18 years old,old enough to vote,old enough to drive,old enough to move house & old enough to realise my phases of being a tory “skeptic” were pointless

Yet sometimes people still think I’m someone who likes ice-cream,toys and video games

Well I mean I do like those things I’m sure some of you like those things too

We are children at heart but physically and mentally we evolve and learn with time

I’ll be an young adult,and I love it I might not have a place of my own yet but I love being able to learn new things and see new places I couldn’t see when I was a kid.

Then again my teenhood wasn’t that good either because I had a developmental condition that made me different than others mentally,my interests were very intense and I got panic feelings when around crowds or in difficult situations

My primary school classmates liked JLS,Partying and other things that I didn’t like or couldn’t do

While now I’m warming up to certain things I’m still happy I didn’t like JLS.

I on the other hand, liked the sims 3,dolls,the 1980s,old cartoons and films.

So...a game where you become God,plastic models,the age of neon graphic design, and innovative video games and...yeah that hasn’t changed has it?

Well I don’t play the sims anymore,my laptop has no cd rom drive,I used up the data on my old one, from downloads I’d buy from the exchange store

Sims also was one of the few things that got me into my “emo” phase

I’d be looking at sims videos on youtube they’d usually be very sad and in the background there’d be evanescence,my chemical romance or avril lavigne

I’d be sitting at the back of the living room at a gathering and I’d be listening to Sims 2 sad story part 1 because it had good music. I later learned the names and that I was a bit of a goth,a emo,a metalhead because I liked gothic and j-metal any of that.

Dolls…..

now this was embarrassing I’m sure we all have those songs where as soon as you hear them you feel a film reel of negative memories return. For me that was

Barbie Girl by Aqua, weird because aqua are a good band,but that song oh that song it was so annoying

Picture this

Someone in their final primary school years, who still collects dolls,

Now!  Would you ignore that or would you use that outdated song as a way to mock them because they were still enjoying a thing, meant for children.

I received the latter,because of that when I’d hear people sing that song simply just because they liked it I’d get confused and offended a similar thing happened with my little pony

I used to sing and perform for people in the playgrounds other times I’d keep to myself

I loved my little pony before the new wave I loved rewatching episodes of the old 80s mlp series of goblins,witches and giants...oops that was a different show I was describing there

And one of the songs I’d perform was the original theme song

My Little Pony~ My Little Pony~

What will today’s adventure be?

My Little Pony…My Little Pony

Will there be exciting sights to see?

Nope to some of my primary school audience the lyrics were

“My little pony skinny and boney”

*sarcastic deadpan laugh*

Ha ha ha,  

Then again I wasn’t much better

I used to make youtube videos with those “dolls”

They weren’t very good

They had bad editing and barely any plot beyond badly structured fourth wall jokes

Yet I wanted the whole internet to know about them even if they weren’t interested

I was a easy target and while I did get tired of that,change interests and go into a different fandom direction

Some things were still the same

I was still cowardly,weak and timid and that was a problem

I was always following others,I didn’t make my decisions often,because of the condition and my own loneliness I couldn’t do things other teenagers could.

I never had a sleepover,I never had a crush that wasn’t one-sided and I didn’t have much independence

Even when I did have “friends” those friends I would later learn were not nice making me believe I had wasted years that I couldn’t get back.

On...the topic of regrets, dance  something I sometimes enjoy but when I studied performing Arts it was what I dreaded…

Note I’m ok with  anyone who does like to dance,party or do any of those things

I would just try to take part like everyone else but many times I was put aside or embarrassed in front of the others because of either me having a meltdown or because “my timing was off”

Yes,he did teach me some cool moves and I am more supple now but that was the content and even if I was crap I knew it and tried to practice

Everyday I’d practice each technical exercise and routine but it was still not good enough.in fact it was because of that and other reasons that I couldn’t do that course anymore

All because of,of….Craig Revel Hor not him but he was like him.

Because of that I had to take saturday dance classes...those weren’t fun

The most fun I had was from the songs we danced to and the few positive examples of small talk I attempted with the people there.

Otherwise it was not good...me and little kids specifically loud hyper kids don’t always go well when in the same place..again my timing was off it wasn’t told but I could tell

One of the moments I hated the most was the headshot day

Now we were supposed to just be getting photos taken but the photographer noticed I was shorter than she thought.I laughed it off because I know I’m short but then what did she say in response…

“Your a wee bit vertically challenged”

EXCUSE ME

Now,I may be short but in a class of kids and teens of different ages and heights I was far from the shortest person there.

When I was a teenager I wasn’t a proper teenager the only things that made me a teenager was my age,my angsty attitude and the drama I got into involving political meme posters and anime roleplayers.

The less I say about that the better

So while all the “adults” were telling me to beware of the adult years because of

Oooh responsibilities...ooooh independence ooooh….education

Honestly  it’s ok for me so far I’m a fairly organized person so studying is good,I did a assistant stage managing gig for a west side story production which was class by the way and I think i’ll feel a lot happier as a adult.

I have not much to mock about today my political jabs are sometimes good other times they’re like a bad Ben Elton joke on Saturday Live.

“Ha teresa may is like the wicked queen from snow white when she’s in disguise”

yeah? …..and  You look like you could front the band Wings mate

(pause)

Speaking of a bad Ben Elton joke

“Oh I never really understood the whole “comedy” business I always prefered being a bit of a writer and I think now with Bohemian Rhapsody being out that those critics will think

We Will Rock You wasn’t that bad.”

Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a show that layered it’s satire of the mainstream establishment under a sitcom narrative about alternative young adult characters where the comedy was good

for once

Once in every life time

Comes a moment like this

Oh I need you, you need me,

Oh my darling can't you see.

Young Ones.

Darling we're The Young Ones.

The Young Ones.

That show,oh I only watched last year but I have so many words

The jokes,the satire,the characters,the setting,the fact it still holds up

I found that show at the right time

It was august 2017

I had finished my GCSE’s,I had left a manipulative friendship and I felt horrible

When I’d go to the cinema people were making noise and I would remember the panic more than the film itself *coughs* Spiderman homecoming

I felt like I didn’t know how to laugh anymore

Summertime sadness

When edgy me came across ben elton’s ronnie barker memorial lecture

Being a fan of Porridge and Open All hours I listened and after hearing about a certain sitcom  I started watching...The Young Ones...and it was out of this world

I roared with laughter with each episode,I related to the characters and I felt a connection of some sort

Researching more about the “alternative comedy” genre and I saw a familiar name

I learned I had seen some of his work before,he was the andrex puppy,he was in that king Arthur cartoon and he was in that drop dead fred movie I didn’t watch just because internet critics said it was one of the biggest cinematic flops ever….

Yet I never knew his name until then and I’m still not over that

I looked up his other work,where he was richie,richie rich,lord flashheart and a b’stard of a conservative

(which I would later try to do an impression of, on my final girls brigade show.)

So many thoughts,so many emotions he changed my life

Many things and people have. He is one of them  

his work was incredible and iconic  and his mantras are very inspirational and useful. He made me realise a lot of things about life,my love of his work also resulted in me meeting most of the friends I have now.

It’s 2019 and I’m now the anarchist I always wanted to be,I’m out of my shell, a bat out of hell,I followed others for too long but I’m my own person now that’s who I will always be

Now say it with me   Young Ones..

You shouldn't be afraid.

To live, love, there's a song to be sung.

Cause we may not

Be The Young Ones

very long.

Oh,Doctor Rik.Mayall we miss you,you bastard

The world wasn’t as much of a crap place when you were there to cheer us up

But your still here spiritually in her hearts

As you said yourself we still have your shows  and poems

Now!  all you punks,skins,rastas,emos,hipsters,creators,viewers,performers,entertainers,observers and fellow peoples poets

let’s gather round and hold our hands in sorrow for our fallen leader

Love is the answer!  Goodnight

[ts-autumns-world]

ROP

As promised here are the rites of passage that Captain, Jinx, and Mikki wrote for the cast!

All of Jinx’s Messages: https://youtu.be/kbk2GI6nW-E

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Captain: hey khalid! its been a short 4 days with you but i know that ur such an amazing person and u have such a bubbly personality. i do wish we get to know each other more.. its a bit sucky that your schedule kinda prevented you from being a bit more active :((

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Mikki: KHALID I DON’T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS BUT I DIDN’T WANT YOU TO BE FIRST BOOT. i really didn’t. You were so busy at the beginning and we didn’t talk a lot but the little time we did have talking to each other made me see how calm and good it felt to talk to you. I had such a good feeling and really wanted you to stay around longer but unfortunately it wasn’t anything i could do on my own. I hope we get another opportunity to get to know each other properly.

---

Captain: we didn't meet each other in this game but i hope u had a fun time even though its short! and hopefully, we'll see each other around the community mwah!

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Mikki: we never got to meet but you seem genuinely fun and i’m sad i never got to meet you!!!! I’m sorry we sent jinx to the outhouse during the tribal you were voted out on. Idk if them being there would have helped at all but ashjsajhasjh if it would have i’m sorry!!!!

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Captain: i've seen you around but we haven't rlly talked/met each other yet. u seem to be amazing and i hope we'll get to play together some day

. Mikki: i’m also sad we didn’t get to meet!!!!!! You really seemed super active and i’ve never seen you around before so i was hoping our paths would cross but unfortunately that never happened :(( 

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Captain: we haven't been able to meet so its such a missed opportunity to not get to play together. you seem to be very cool! hope u had fun in autumns world

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Mikki: it was so nice to talk to you and i feel so bad about how unlucky you got in the tribe swap but i had to do what i needed to to keep my tribe and grey safe like i wanted.

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Captain: OMG BENJ sobs... urgh i wish you made the merge so that we could meet each other again and our trio of you/me/mikki would have streamrolled the season! i enjoyed every conversation we had and u rlly are such a dedicated player. and u deserved the BEST!! i wish you the best and i hope to see you around in the community and maybe we'll get to play together and go the end together WOOO! urgh.. ur so sweet sobs...

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Mikki: *takes a deep breath* this is going to be the hardest one to write. And i don’t even know what to say because nothing i do say will properly express how fortunate i am that we got to actually properly meet and talk!!!!!! And become friends LIKE BENJ I LOVE YOU SO SO SO MUCH and i’m so sad at how robbed you were. You were genuinely my number one and i looked forward to talking to you constantly every day. Talking to you was so easy and our plans for the future of the game MADE ME SO EXCITED and i was so ready to play with you and make moves and have fun and go far together. Your elimination made me really sad and i was in a big funk for a long time after and even at my worst in like f6 when i was ready to give up, autumn would ask me “what would benj say” and that one question made me snap out of it and fight further. When i found an idol at f5 and got to play it all i could think about was when you told me you wanted to find an idol to bring it to me to show me and i’m just :SOB: we really got robbed in getting to play together in merge and i really hope we get another chance to. I wish i did more to protect you. I should have done more and it was my biggest regret since. Thank you for being an incredible ally to me and reminding me what i love the most about games: making genuine friendships that mean more to me than the game itself. Ilysm <3

---

Captain: i know we didn't end very well on cow and thats kinda the main thing that made me not fully trust you in this game. its probably my bad cause i think you really wanted to work with me but i mean in our short time here, we did work together! good luck with everything in your life blake!

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Mikki: blake!!! It was so fun to play with you while we could. I’m sorry you felt so left out in the tribal we had together before you went out but i hope you understand it wasn’t anything personal and i really did just assume you and raffy were close. I’m sorry for not trusting you more.

---

Captain: awww Lily! i rlly enjoyed our conversation! like you were the one that i felt that our conversation just flew naturally and i loved how u tried to talk to me and ur just the sweetest!! i'm happy we met here cause ur literally so cool and so nice. u have this calming energy that i don't know how to explain dsfsdfsdfdsf. but YEA!! i hope u feel the same way as me and hope to see you around in the community!!

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Mikki: ahhhhh right before you left you told me that we will see if i made the right choice with who i sided with and sahsajhjhjas i like to think i did??? and i hope you agree. You were so so so kind and i’m sad we didn’t get to know each other before merge, i had to make a gut instinct kind of choice and it sucked that i had to make it so soon. I wonder how differently things would have been if i voted with og llih instead and kept you safe. You fought til the very end and it inspired me so much

---

Captain: RAFFY! we were such a perfect pair when u told me ur also tired of talking to ppl dfsdfsdfsdf thats a big mood! urgh.. i rlly wish u could've gone a bit further because ik u trusted me a lot and i also trusted you... in some way just because i had other alliances. i tried so hard to save you but yea it didn't succeed. i hope ur doing great and hopefully we'll meet again

.

Mikki: screams RAFFY I DON’T KNOW IF YOU KNOW OR NOT BUT this whole season i’ve had one burning question on my mind Does Raffy Remember Me? BECAUSE we played together in a game once before but i didn’t REALISE it was you at first so we both said it was nice to meet each other but then i realised it was you !!!!! from bb glass but i never knew if you knew it was me or not and i didn’t bring it up because HJASHJASJH I WAS WORRIED IDK IT WAS JUST an ongoing thing and became kind of a meme and i’m so excited to know the answer. But anyways ashjashjs i’m sorry for trying to vote you out but i really meant it when i said i wanted to play with you after. I wish we could have!!! I wanted us to have a redemption arc and be allies for real so badly. But my alliance with jinx and chris changed their votes to you and were so paranoid but i think they just didn’t want to vote out grey HJASJHASJH and i ended up caving out of fear. I had so much fun playing with you tho!!! And the superidol was one of the most exciting moments of this game even tho it did mean i lost one of my closest allies.

---

Captain: I wish we talked more tbh because u were the first person to dm me in the swap and i was like lily o is so cool and i liked lily o a lot! but then we just didn't talk after that. I know its partially my faults but ur fun to talk to when we got to talk to each other! u may not know this but u were kinda the part that made me put more effort into this game when i lied to you about wanting to target jinx/mikki and u told mikki about that and she told me back hehe! hope we see each other around lily!

.

Mikki: LILY YOU WERE ONE OF THE FUNNEST PEOPLE TO TALK TO!!!!! I had such a blast in our dms. I feel like we could talk about anything and it was fun. Hell you even explained the history of pacman to me and i was INVESTED in every part of it!!! Voting you out was partly fuelled by how good you are at comps and partly because i got bitter about the timezone advantage comment ashsahjsahj but nevertheless i found you incredible to talk to and play with and i’m so happy we could meet and have fun with each other while we did!!!

---

Captain: JOEYYYYYY! i still feel bad about that pyramid challenge because u shouldnt have gotten me as ur pair lmaoo. i literally didn't know anything americans!! anyways!! our time together is for sure interesting. cause like ik ur with me but then u told jinx and monty that they need to be careful about mikki/captain and thats the reason why i didnt fully trust you in game! like ur a good ally but sometimes, ur doing too much. also, i appreciated u trying to talk to me a lot. I  wish i did the same with you but life was so crazy that i could only reply with like short answers that didnt give anything much. At least we made it to jury together this time!

.

Mikki: joey joey joey joey JOEY sjhhjsahjasahj oh my god it was a time and a half with you i swear. I would talk to you and then go into my conf and rant about how JOEY KEEPS SAYING I’M A THREAT GRRR IM SO ANNOYED and then i would talk to you more and go back in there after 2 minutes and be like “nevermind i love joey again” ahjashjsahj you are such a great friend joey and you give me so much joy to talk to. One of the things i’m most proud of is winning that endurance comp and i would have never done that if it wasn’t for you shjashj YOU PUSHED ME TO PLAY BETTER AND GO HARDER and i’ll never forget that. Thank you for helping me see what i’m capable of and for being a genuinely kind and fun person to be around.

---

Captain: oh monty DFSDFDSFDS we didn't really talk much privately but most of the times i talked to you, i was always honest with you and i think u were the same way with me too so it kinda raised my eyebrows a bit when u told me that we're gonna be worried about captain/mikki later in the game fdsfsdfsdfsd i didn't talk much game with you but ik u played a good game even though i think u might not know whats going on most of the times lmaoo!! anyways, its been a fun time with you and ofc, u can't get rid of me cause im gonna be haunting u as an intern in CoW forever!!!

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Mikki: PLS ASHJASHJA we didn’t talk much at all in this game apart from when tribals were happening and that was extremely iconic of us ashjashjasjh i appreciate and love you so much monty!!!! You’re one of the best people i know and i’m glad we got to play together for a hot second even if it wasn’t for long and it was just these super rushed convos before tribal while i was awake at a ridiculous hour ashashjas

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Captain: okay so ur vote is literally the HARDEST vote ever in my org history but it has to be done because you and jude were such a tight duo and yes i knew about u having 2 idols and giving jude one since the beginning of the merge. i feel like that was the right time to, as autumn said, blindside. but you know i LOVE you so much. my grandpa! You are literally one of the nicest people in this community and your words have helped me a lot in this season. it hurt me so much to vote for you but thats how the game goes and i hope u understand because i value our relationship so much. we've played together for 4 times now and i love you more and more each time we play together. i just love ur puns and like ur old ways of saying things fsfsdfsdf that #chrisstyle and i just love everything that is YOU. i know we're gonna be fine after this and i hope ur proud of me and forgive me for voting you out. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. Chris i LOVE YOUUUUU. sobs. im so happy we got to play together again ahhhhh

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Mikki: chris you are literally the nicest human i’ve ever known. You exude such a genuine kindness i can’t even comprehend it. Your messages always put a smile on my face and voting you out was the hardest vote i ever did and i literally wrote in my conf that voting you out would be like blindsiding your grandpa after he helps you move in and has a cup of tea with you :sob: like you’re just one of the best guys i’ve ever met and have this pure wholesome kind energy i’ve never encountered with anyone else. Playing with you was amazing and i loved our alliance with captain and jinx. But i knew your game was incredible and to see myself and captain get any further we had to do the unthinkable. You had the magician in my tarot readings for a reason and it’s because you’re so powerful!!!!! I can’t wait to ask you so many questions when this is over.

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Captain: bae- i still don't know why you had a crush on me but we had such a cute showmance arc in this series. i mean yes i targeted you for a few times just because we didn't talk before fsdfsdsdf like we communicated in the house chat but no one actually dm'ed each other first so im like i don't know where ur head is at and u seem to be dangerous to my game!! i mean u ended up not voting for me so thank you for that even though i can't do the same. i have to say that i enjoyed our convo a lot.. u always lit up my smile whenever u dm'ed me with tiktoks or like just ur random chit chat LMAO! the only downside was that we didn't rlly talk game much except for that one vote i think the lily o vote where we talked about getting joey out and ended up voting for lily o. but yes, i will miss our convo here a lot grey :(( u deserved BETTER!

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Mikki: GREY OMG you’re one of the funniest people i’ve known. Our dms were so chaotic and you always broke the ice in the tribe chat by saying the randomest and funniest things. Thank you for making me laugh and for sharing your stories with me and chris and jinx on call. I really enjoyed getting to know you and i care so much for you. Also you appreciate captain and for that you have taste HJASHJSA

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Captain: JUDE!! you were such a powerhouse in this game like literally had u made the final 2, u would've won for sure and thats the reason why i fought so hard in the pressure cooker comp cause i couldn't risk you getting into the final 3 and potentially won the last IC. So i'm so sorry i had to vote you out. i had such a fun time getting to know you like just like i told you, i liked you since the premiere night when i watched ur intro vid and was like 'JUDE IS SO COOL' in my DR and i wanted to play with you.. then we got to play together and got to know each other. We didn't get to talk game much but like ik i could trust you in some ways! and again ur the coolest jude.. that pressure cooker will go down as one of the most iconic pressure cooker challenges in the tumblr survivor history for sure. hope to see u around the community

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Mikki: JUDE i’m so sorry everything ended the way it did. I always meant what i said to you, that i would love to see you win. And you absolutely deserved to. Your game was amazing and i spent every second admiring you and everything you did. From the moment we played tic tac toe together i knew i was a jude stan and i’m so happy we got to have so much fun together and PLAYED PYRAMID TOO!!!! You’re absolutely remarkable and an easy person to love and want to protect, i can only dream of having your social game. You also never voted for me even when i thought you would BECAUSE I REALLY THOUGHT IT MADE THE MOST SENSE but you never did and i’m really emotional about that. I think so highly of you and i hope we can be friends after all of this <3

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Mikki: WE FINALLY GOT TO WASH AWAY OUR SAILOR MOON SINS CAN YOU BELIEVE ASHJHJASHJASAHJS we finally did it!!!!! YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME!!!!! I am so proud of the game you played and i know it wasn’t easy for you at all. You showed just how much you wanted this and you never took the easy route. I’m proud to have played alongside you and for all our nights watching survivor and 7th heaven YOU ARE ALSO ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS and i love you so much

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Mikki: you know how much you mean to me. I love you so much and i’m so happy we once again got to play together. I am SO proud of you and the game you played. You’re an under the radar genius who knows how to get your information and how to use it. YOU ARE CAPABLE OF LITERALLY ANYTHING YOU SET YOUR MIND TO and i love seeing you constantly prove yourself wrong and show just how incredible you are. You always put me first and take care of me :pls: i am so lucky to have you as one of my best friends and i can’t tell you enough how much i love you. Thank you for being in my life <3

[uomo-accattivante]

I love this entire commentary below by Joseph Gordon-Levitt. (contains spoilers)

Recently, I went to see the new Star Wars. I know, I wanted to see it sooner, but I have babies. Anyway, getting home from the cinema, I was curious to see what people were saying about the movie, and what I discovered surprised me. While most critics and many fans loved it as much as I did, there was also a passionate contingent who decidedly didn’t.

I was intrigued. A lot of my favorite movies polarize audiences. Many, many voices had much to say, and I only got through reading a tiny speck of it, but right away, I noticed a recurring theme in the various objections. In fact, I noticed a number of recurring themes, and I’m tempted to write down my thoughts about several of them. But in the interest of brevity (and the likelihood that I actually manage to finish writing this), I’ll limit myself to this one:

What happened to Luke Skywalker?

Before I dive into what I think, forgive me for prefacing just a bit more. I should say, the writer and director of The Last Jedi, Rian Johnson, is a good friend of mine. I played the protagonist in two of his movies, Brick and Looper, and in fact, for the sake of some kind of brotherly streak, he gave me cameos in his other two movies, The Brothers Bloom, and this one. However, and this is important, I’m NOT speaking for him here. He doesn’t even know I’m writing this. I guess I should probably make sure it’s cool with him if I’m gonna post it publicly. I’ll worry about that later. But for now, I’m gonna repeat myself, because I want to be really clear, this is just my own opinion, and in no way do I carry any special authority on this movie. I’m probably biased in its favor, but then again, we’re all biased somehow, so there’s that.

I also wanna say, I’m not here to tell anybody they’re wrong. Personally, I don’t think it’s possible to be wrong when it comes to movies, or art, or literature, or whatever you wanna call it. In our ever more gamified culture, with endless awards shows, publicized box office figures, and the all-knowing Tomatometer, it seems conversations about movies are more and more often put into quantified terms of good and bad, best and worst, right and wrong. And then there’s the twitface-insta-fueled tribalism, people taking sides, pointing fingers and spitting venom at the other guys. There seems to be a lot of that going around right now from both lovers and haters of this movie. Dear oh dear, folks. This isn’t politics or sports. The fruit is in the subjectivity. If you feel differently than I do, I’m 100% cool with that. I think it’s often in these very differences of perspective that movies can be at their most enlightening, helping us learn something about each other and ourselves.

So, with all that said, I’ll ask again… What happened to Luke Skywalker?

The Luke Skywalker we meet in The Last Jedi is very different than the Luke Skywalker we remember from the original Star Wars movies. In the past, Luke was hopeful, an idealist, deeply driven to venture out into the galaxy, find his destiny, and do the right thing, no matter the cost. Now he’s apathetic, cynical even, hunkered down on an island and seemingly passionate about nothing but his own isolation. He’s wasting his talents on an eccentric day-to-day routine of laughable animal husbandry and death-defying spearfishing. When a young potential Jedi with profound aptitude, Rey, comes to find him seeking a mentor, he literally tosses her lightsaber over his shoulder into the dirt. And later, when facing said youngster in combat, he ends up on his knees, defeated.

And even worse than becoming personally weird and physically weak, he’s become morally questionable. The plot hinges on a moment from the recent past where Luke contemplates killing Ben Solo, his own nephew, in his sleep, sensing the young man’s attraction to the dark side of the Force, and fearful of the damage he might cause. I saw the point made several times that decades earlier, in Return of the Jedi, Luke is so righteous, so forgiving, he even refuses to kill the reprehensibly villainous Darth Vader. Clearly this is an enormous departure.

It makes sense that all of this might not feel very good. For so many of us, Luke is the epitome of a hero. He is what we strive to be. He’s also our access point into a world we love. We got to know Star Wars through the eyes of this character. And now, after all this time, we finally get to see him again, and he sorta sucks as a person. He’s disrespecting everything a Jedi is supposed to stand for. Ultimately it feels like he’s disrespecting us. Or, as some fans concluded, this just isn’t the real Luke Skywalker, but rather a bastardization perpetrated by bad storytelling or corporate interests.

And again, if that’s how you feel, more power to you. I think there’s a certain enjoyment to be had from taking a subversive stance against the biggest “Big Hollywood” movie of the year. And I know I couldn’t kill that buzz even if I wanted to. But if you’re feeling disappointed in the man Luke Skywalker has become in The Last Jedi, and maybe it’s getting in the way of you really loving the movie, and you’re kinda wishing you didn’t feel that way, because you want to love the movie… read on.

The way I see it, The Last Jedi takes two big risks in its depiction of Luke. 1) He’s different than he used to be. 2) Not only is he different, he’s changed for the worse.

As for the first risk, he didn’t have to be different. He’s one of the most iconic movie characters ever. A safer bet would have been to bring him back and make him just like he always was. This is what The Force Awakens did exceedingly well. For example, the Han Solo we meet in that movie is pretty much the same charmingly roguish character we loved in the original trilogy. Yes, he’s gotten older, had a kid, but it hardly seems to have changed him much. And that was fine by me. Seeing him again after so many years felt like a sweet reunion with an old friend. So, why not do the same for Luke?

Leaving Luke unchanged would have been a huge missed opportunity. Think about how rare this is. A trilogy of movies is made with a young protagonist played by an actor in his 20s. Then, no fewer than 40 YEARS LATER (A New Hope came out in 1977) this actor gets to play the same character as an older man. I don’t know how many times that has ever happened in the history of movies. Has it ever happened?

This gives the filmmaker and the actor an extraordinary opportunity to tell a story about one of the most universal truths in human experience — getting older. We all get older, and those of us who are lucky enough to survive our youth all face the joys, the terrors, the puzzles, the pitfalls, the surprises, and the inevitabilities that come along with doing so. Re-meeting our beloved protagonist decades after we last saw him, only to learn that the passing years have changed some of his most fundamental qualities, I’ll admit, it’s almost hard to see. But in that glaring contrast between the Luke of old and the new Old Luke, The Last Jedi offers a uniquely fascinating portrayal of a man’s life marching inescapably forward.

Time changes us. Go talk to anybody in their sixties and ask if they feel very different than they did in their twenties. The look on their face will almost surely speak volumes. As do so many such looks from Mark Hamill in what I feel is a beautifully nuanced and heartfelt performance.

The second big risk I mentioned was that Luke has not only changed, he’s changed for the worse. But to me, the obvious response here is that movie characters are usually better when they’re flawed. Speaking as an actor, when I’m considering whether or not I want to play a certain character, I’m always looking for a healthy balance of virtues and shortcomings. Otherwise, it doesn’t feel real. No one is a perfect hero or a perfect villain, we’re more complicated than that, every one of us. Flawless characters feel thin. And forgive me if I blaspheme, but the young Luke Skywalker always did feel just a little light to me, which is why it was so cool this time around to see him fill out into a more imperfect human being.

A flawed main character is one of the main distinctions between a story with substance and a gratuitous spectacle. It’s often through a character overcoming their flaws that a movie can really say something. Yes, when the movie begins, Luke has grown cynical. He’s lost faith in what it means to be a Jedi. He’s let fear of the Dark Side of the Force corner him into isolation and inaction. But he needs to start there, so that he can overcome this grave deficit.

To me, this is a story about not losing faith: faith in the outside world, faith in your allies as well as your enemies, in the future as well as the past, in the next generation that will take your place, and yes, faith in your own damn self. Luke has made mistakes that had terrible consequences, and his regret is so strong that he wants to give up. We need to see that despair, hidden under a crusty front of indifference, so that when he finally decides to put himself out there and make the ultimate sacrifice, it means something. It means more than just stalling the First Order to let the remainder of the Resistance escape. Our protagonist has arrived at the end of his journey. He’s re-found his faith, both in the past and the future of the Jedi Order, and even more importantly, in himself. Again, it’s in that glaring contrast between a journey’s beginnings and its end where we find a story’s meaning.

And so, speaking of faith, I’ll end on a bit of a meta note here. It feels to me like a good chunk of the backlash against The Last Jedi is about exactly that. Star Wars has a certain sanctity for a great many of us, and it’s understandable why current circumstances might rattle a fan’s faith. The ultimate authority in this world, its auteur, George Lucas, has recently passed the torch onto the next generation. The new owner of Lucasfilm is a massive media conglomerate. But I think the new Luke Skywalker of Episode VIII gives us good reason to feel reassured.

That a big Hollywood studio would take such risks on such a big property — again, to present their central hero in a drastically different light than ever before, to unflinchingly deliver the ominous message that even the most pure-hearted idealists can struggle through darkness and doubt — these are not the kinds of decisions that get made when short-term profitability is prioritized above all else. These are risks taken in the interest of building a world that is not only good for selling popcorn and action figures this year, but that thrives in the long-run on a bed of literary substance and artistic dignity. As a fan, I take it as a sign of respect that the movie was not only a good time, but a provocative challenge. A lot of studios and filmmakers don’t think so highly of their audiences. In the end, to me, The Last Jedi demonstrates not only that we can still have faith in Star Wars, but that Star Wars still has faith in us.

[parkbearum]

Who is Sehun?

♡ *Chokes*

♡ You:oh!

   Me:You mean Oh Sehun

♡ He was only 22 when he saved all of us with his dance in lotto

♡ E X O

♡ Maknae

♡ Dance line

♡ His instagram deserves to be in a museum

♡ B E S T  P O S T S  E V E R

♡ The lost one

♡ Owner of iconic lines that will always be remembered

♡ Shawty imma party till da sun down

   Never don’t mind about a thing

   That’s right my type

♡ We actually love SM for giving him lines

♡ His line in sing for you got me crying

♡ An angel indeed

♡ Sang Baekhyun’s part in cloud9 

♡ We were all proud

♡ #Givesehunlines2k17

♡ Innocent af

♡ Doesn’t really understand dirty jokes and stays away from that stuff but who knows

♡ When he and kai-also the maknae- went to a chinese mukbang show,he didn’t understand a dirty joke 

♡ and stood there like an innocent baby while kai was laughing his ass off

♡ Is a fluff ball

♡ He isn’t the aegyo type 

♡ but his presence itself is cute

♡ He is so loved

♡ not just by members but by the staff as well

♡ All of them love him but

♡ He has a special bond with The “shopping crew”

♡ Sehun+chanyeol+suho+vivi

♡ Suho loves him aaaa llooooott

♡ and he loves him back

♡ sehun basically grew up with suho while suho was taking care of him

♡ Wants to join “THE BEAGLE LINE”

♡ but age matters only in korea

♡ Has a lovely relationship with every member

♡ Plays with baek’s hair

♡ laughs with xiumin

♡ Makes fun of people with d.o

♡ Chanyeol is his partner in crime

♡ Learns chinese from yixing

♡ Runs in the concert with chen

♡ Him and kai are basically two hoes

♡ His relationship with suho is just adorable

♡ he also learned how to roast people from suho

♡ roasted suho countless times

♡ which proves that he’s an angel sent from above

♡ He grew up a lot

♡ After Luhan left,he got more mature as he said

♡ “With luhan,i learned the true meaning of friendship”

♡ Is a soft baby

♡ except when he dances in the water

♡ IS SEXY

♡ AS FUCK

♡ He can be an angel but he’s also a sexy god

♡ He can literally beat anyone with his sexiness

♡ Why do fuck my life

♡ He is handsome

♡ really handsome

♡ I’m pretty sure he could be a model if he weren’t a member of exo

♡ THANK GOD FOR MAKING HIM A MEMBER

♡ He is seriously no joke

♡ He was chosen as the best dressed in LV Paris show

♡ OUT OF ALL THE CELEBRITIES

♡ *proud tears*

♡ Goes to fashion shows a lot

♡ SEBOOTY who we all worship

♡ This mans body is no joke

♡ His face

♡ His abs

♡ His arms

♡ His legs

♡ Especially his booty

♡ When did a get in such a perverted fandom

♡ I have no regrets

♡ Looks good

♡ while eating

♡ while walking

♡ while existing

♡ Looks hella good in glasses

♡ Looks good in anything

♡ Would look better without

♡ Also rocks every hair colour

♡ Sehun in black is hot

♡ Blonde sehun is god

♡ The rainbow hair

♡ I hear people cringing 

♡ We don’t say thathe doesn’t look good but

♡ Why rainbow?

♡ Is a big meme

♡ A really big one

♡ He is a living meme legend

♡ YEHET

♡ OHORAT

♡ Got embarrassed and was shocked when jhonny called him sunbae

♡ He thought he was talking to jhonny from nct but you never know

♡ He soon found out that the person was jeonghan from SVT 

♡ Jeonghan spilled all the beans to monsta x

♡ Is still embarrassed 

♡ In paris,manager told him to stop doing the peace sign

♡ Did it inside his pocket

♡ His vlives are a meme itself 

♡  V I V I

♡ There’s a rumor saying that if you say vivi 3 times

♡ A worried sehun will appear behind you and ask

♡ “WHERE?”

♡ His biggest passion in life

♡ His love

♡ His will to live---->

♡ I ship them

♡ He is the type of boyfriend that will let you drown when he goes to save vivi

♡ Vivi is a dog and knows how to swim

♡ I feel sorry for his future wife bc his first love isn’t her

♡ SASSY

♡ he has the most sass on earth

♡ I ain’t joking

♡ There’s a korean joanne the scammer  in his soul

♡ HE IS SKINNY

♡ HE IS BLONDE OR WAS

♡ HE IS PRETTY

♡ We all know where this convo ends

♡ Suho said that he used to cry a lot since he misses his family

♡ His acting in exo next door was priceless

♡ Why do they all act like they never filmed it?

♡ He has this upcoming movie called “dear Archimedes”

♡ S U P P O R T  H I M

♡ He is a soft fluff ball who needs protection and love and more lines

p.s.THEIR COMEBACK IS COMING Y’ALL

[survivetashirojima]

Rites of Passage

The Final 4 had the option to journey into the forest of Tashirojima and reflect upon the torches of the fallen players. Here is what they had to say...

.

THOMAS

Jay: I dont really remember you at all I'm sorry :(

Kevin: TOM!!! I wanted to work with you so bad I tried to get you online when your name started circling but you just weren’t around and there wasn’t much I could’ve done at all, let alone by myself, but I was really looking forward to working with you and it sucks that got cut short!

Madeleine: To my Dear Thomas, Even though we only talked twice I had a feeling you would be a good person to play with.  You were really nice, -Maddie

Ricky: We literalt didn’t speak but i hope ur little engine could.

.

JULIA

Jay: JULIA! I wish you were active in this game bc we could have RAN IT ahhh I missed you while I wasn't playing ORGS, I'm glad to see you're still around

Kevin: Almost the exact same as Tom, I wanted you to stay for my own personal game but you just weren’t active so I had to ride the waves and they unfortunately took you under, I hope we can again together sometime tho!

Madeleine: Julia, My Montenegro Sister,I feel bad for voting you out so soon, and right after we talked about taking each other to the end. I was torn when voting you out because I wanted to take you far. I wish I could have played with you more, I know you would have been a riot to play with. With Love, Maddie

Ricky: QUEEN IM SO SORRY YOU LEFT SO EARLY I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

.

KENNY

Jay: I don't remember you either sorry :(

Kevin: I don’t believe we ever spoke which was unfortunate but you seemed active in the tribe chat and you were definitely active in challenges, I don’t really know what happened with your vote it just kinda came up like the last 2.

Madeleine: Hello dearest Kenny.We only had 1 conversation so I’m having trouble writing this, but I remember you being real cool bro. Signed Maddie. 

Ricky: You were really cool from when we talked but then I went dead sorry boo.

.

JG

Jay: We didn't talk tooooo much but I hope whatever happened that made you leave the game is ok now

Kevin: I hope everything is ok with you :) not much of an in-game relationship but I did learn a bit about you so that was cool!

Madeleine: JG my dear,I hope everything is okay. I had a lot of fun playing with you. I wished I talked to you more. Good luck at your new job! I’m proud of you for getting it! -Maddie

Ricky:  I’m so sorry you had to go the way you did that was a trauma and i hope you’re okay.

.

DYLAN

Jay: OMG Dylan! We had just started really talking, and then your name was thrown out for the vote :( I really did enjoy our like, one conversation about Taco Bell, but I just wasn't very connected to you :c

Kevin: We got on to a late start but I think you’re absolutely hilarious and you should start a youtube channel please, your intro video is still hilarious to this day. I do wish we got to talking more but I appreciated the few times we spoke they were great!

Madeleine: Dear Dylan,You’re an amazing player, I am happy I got to play with again. I hate to see you go as soon as you did. Even though this was my third time playing with you I can confidently say that you always brought something new and exciting every time I have played with you. You are an exciting player and it was a shame that you had to go so soon. With love, Maddie

Ricky: ROBBED ROBBED ROBBED ROBBED. I will never get over how dirty they did you i cry for you every night.

.

BRIEN

Jay: Omg you had a few lives in this game that's for sure. Although it didn't seem like you really talked to many people, you were someone that had to go to take some control away from other players

Kevin: Ah man, you were so active in the first like round and then you seemed to have stopped trying or maybe caring moreso for other games, which I get, but we had a good thing going and it just kinda fizzled out which sucks but I think you’re really cool from what I got to know about you!

Madeleine: Greetings Brien, Hello, my sweets. I know when you left the game we were not on the best of terms (trying to vote each other out an all) but I did have a good time playing with you. From Maddie  

Ricky: Pennington.

.

TIMMY

Jay: Heyyyy, I feel like it's a running thing that we just don't communicate in these games at ALL. I know on my side that at this point it was kinda too awkward to say anything, I hope that can be changed in the future

Kevin: We didn’t get to talk a whole lot but you also worked at target so that was really cool, I think our allegiances lined up for a little bit and then they didn’t, so our communication lacked because of it, but I do wish we could’ve connected a little more!

Madeleine: To the lovely Timmy,I loved playing with you again, Kalokairi Krew for life. You were a blast to play with and I hope to play again with you someday soon. We never talked much, but I knew I could count on you. -Maddie

Ricky: The beginning of the ginger genocide.

.

PAT

Jay: Pat omg we definitely have a bit of a history, don't we? It's a shame that your vote came down to you or one of my other closest allies, I would have LOVED to continue playing with you if that wasn't the case. You're a power player every time I get the chance to play with you and I hope we can continue to be friends after this game is done.

Kevin: Ugh Pat, I reallyyy liked talking to you, you were very chill, you could keep a conversation and I just like what we talked about, things got rocky between us with how the game’s dynamic was around the time you left, which I understand but on a personal level I enjoyed you so much and hopefully we can talk after this game is all said and done!

Madeleine: Patrick dearest, We never talked much. I can’t wait for the day I see your name on the TV and I start hitting my partners (or whoever I’m watching with) arm and freaking out because I know you and watch you win survivor.  I believe in you bb. With love, Maddie

Ricky: Sorry you were part of the ginger genocide.

.

Vi

Jay: VI! There's not enough good things I can say about you. You're amazingly fun to talk to, I felt like we got along real well and that our personalities just fit together. You always made me laugh and I wish we could've played more strategically together. Voting you out is really one of my biggest regrets in this game

Kevin: Oh wow, you are so interesting, all your animals and your passion for them and plants is awesome, also the stories you’d told me were kinda crazy but really interesting (sorry to use the same word again) but I guess at some point our one on ones ceased to occur, which sucks cause I would’ve loved to know more about you, but maybe we can pick ‘em back up after this :D

Madeleine: Hello, my dearest Vi,At the beginning, we talked a lot and shared stories, but then I made the stupid mistake of not reaching out anymore, I wish I talked with more, we could have done great things in this game. You are amazing and never stop being yourself, my dear! Signed Maddie

Ricky: I hope your isopods are doing well <3

.

ANDREW

Jay: Seeing you here was like a total blast from the past! I'm really happy we got to play this game together, on the same side and everything. I'm just happy that I feel like I recemented my friendship with you. I really you could still be in the game right now.

Kevin: ANDREW. Andrew I freaking adore you, I think you’re hilarious, and our sense of humor is pretty similar which makes things 10x funnier, you’re also the youngest and we not only clicked on a personal level but a game level too so it was like a match made in heaven, obviously things went sideways but that’s not indicative of how I feel about you cause I think you’re awesome.

Madeleine: Dearest Andrew, I wish I hadn’t voted you out, final 4 would have been really fun with you! Even though we didn’t talk much I felt as though we had a good connection and alliance. I am sorry for voting you out. You were an amazing player and I am grateful I had the chance to play with you. I can now say I’ve played with the Iconic AndrewTM . Sincerely, Maddie

Ricky: My partner in crime...you were taken away from me and I’m so sorry for that. you know ain’t no words to describe my love for you.

.

JACOB

Jay: Omg you are HILARIOUS. All of our conversations towards the end of you being in the game were really fun and I wish I made more effort to talk to you during the middle of the game. 

Kevin: ugh… jacob… I LOVE YOU and voting you out was shitty but I had to, but you know our minds as crackheady as they are we vibed well, but seriously having you in this game was so nice because you were a fresh of breath air where I could just talk about whatever and say what I felt because I trusted you so much, but yeah through it all I am so sorry but I’m thankful we got to play this game together :)

Madeleine: My dear Jacob,We never talked much. I was delighted to find out you liked New politics as well. I had a blast playing with you! I remember you saying you wish you had a song named after you. Well, it might not be named after you but I found a song called Jacob just for you. Best wishes, Maddie https://open.spotify.com/album/3RGAvvbu5smdrcxZqFIf0U

Ricky: My heart, my baby, my fuckin cinnamon apple. The greatest thing i’m able to take away from this game is talking to you again lol ok bye. 💟

.

STEPHEN

Jay: Oh Stephen, I know we didnt have the best relationship down the stretch, that much is clear. But otherwise I think you were one of the nicest people here, you were always so fun and uplifting in the tribe chat. I hope we can become better friends in the future.

Kevin: Oh Mr. Stephen to say we had a rollercoaster of a relationship would be an UNDERSTATEMENT, you were here to play and I was here to play and that very reason is exactly what pitted us against each other AND brought us together and I’m so glad you were in this game cause the experience wouldn’t have been the same and you added so much to this game for my personally, in-game and out of it just with your presence. I respect you so much and I hope you don’t hate me too much plz

Madeleine: My dearest Stephen,I’m sorry bitch. I genuinely enjoyed playing with you, our 3-hour tribe call that consisted of the 2 of us spilling alliance tea, and making a connecting is one of my favorite parts of this game.  It resides as one of my favourite memories. You were one of my closest allies in this game. I regret voting you out and turning on our alliance. I could write a paper about our relationship in this game, but I’m sure at the end of the year for you you already have enough of those to read from your students, so I shall say this; Your are an amazing friend and were an amazing ally, I am sorry for turning on you. (also you were one of maybe 4 people who talked to me and I love you for that) Best of wishes, Maddie

Ricky: I’m sorry we didn’t get to talk more about australia and i hope you can educate me about the floods and fires more.

.

JOANNA

Jay:  I don't really know what to say other than I'm extremely extremely sorry about how things ended up for you. I should have made more of an effort to work with you I just didn't know what to say after I explicitly betrayed you over and over. I just felt so guilty over it that I just, ignored you instead of facing it head on. And I'm so sorry I did that. I hope we're still friends.

Kevin: Joanna, I voted you for like the person I’d most like to hang out with in real life cause you are just very cool and very nice and overall a really kind person from what I’ve learned about you, you were honest with me early on in this game about my name going around and I attribute me waking up to play this game with that moment, so I am grateful for you on a personal and game level, I REALLY wish things could’ve played out differently I really do, but the cards fell how they did :(

Madeleine: Hello Joanna,I was so excited when I was in the alliance with you, but of course, I mucked it up by flipping. I wish I could have played with you more, and tried to talk to you more, your an amazing girl. Keep playing girl. Best of wishes, Maddie

Ricky: idkkk for some reason i really love you like i’ll never forget saying hello back and forth for 2 weeks straight, thank you for that.

.

MADISON

Jay: We almost pulled something off at the last minute, huh? That would've been real fun after you shaded me in the tribal calls while I wasn't there ;) But I ain't mad, I think that's hilarious. I think out of everyone in this game I was the closest with you before it began. Some of my fondest tumblr ORG memories are on calls with you, playing with you, hosting you, hosting WITH you. You've always been one of the real ones, ever since we played HoS all those years ago. Talk to you soon :)

Kevin: oh MADISON, girl we BARELY talked, I don’t know why we didn’t but that’s just how our relationship was but you were also there to add a bit of comedy to tribals or the tribe chat and just all around lifted the mood a lot and were a really nice reminder that this was a game and it was all for fun, which I needed a lot, cause I can take these things a bit seriously but you didn’t seem to (which is a good thing) and I admire that a lot about you. :)

Madeleine: Madison, I should have talked to you more. I wanted to work with you but I never reached out, and I regret that. You are someone who I wanted to take to the end. I considered a final 3 with you. That would have been great. But hey, final 5 with you was great too!With love, Maddie

Ricky: queen of the cockroaches. one day we’ll be able to be in a game together where we speak to each other for more than 3 days.

.

.

.

As the final 4 leave the forest, they go back to camp to plan final tribal council. Please consult the jury chat / tribe chat to help plan!

[mariellewritesalot]

That Time I Won a Palanca

The first time I joined the Palanca Awards I was 15 and eager, high on hopes that maybe I had a shot at winning something so prestigious. It was around the time that my writing blog was only 5 months old and receiving feedback from strangers on the internet, with Sir KC's push, I gave it a try. I failed. I had quietly hoped for the worst, but it still stung when I realized I’ve been daydreaming about it quite often. The next time around I was so discouraged I didn't even bother. Since I lost in RACJOURN 2016, too, and there were people who openly told me I needed improvement, I took a break from my writing. There was a long period of time where I thought my writing was not getting me anywhere, that it was just as everyone said--a hobby. I settled for writing whenever I felt like it and doing my best not to fail as the Editor-in-Chief of Ang Kalatas, a literary folio entrusted to me by my school. I became anxious of sharing my thoughts online, doubted my abilities, vowed to read more, and tried to improve how I wrote. I rarely let my family read my work, but my parents have always been supportive of me being a writer despite their hopes that I may pursue law after all. My teachers saw potential in me, always, which warms my heart every time. I for one, am a big fan of constructive criticism when it came to my writing. My friends, even if they often hit me with #nosebleed jokes, are my biggest fans, too. This support system kept me going and so, when 2017 came, I decided to give the Kabataan Essay category another shot before I turned 18.

2017. The first defining moment was copping silver for Feature Writing in RACJOURN 2017 with my piece on Extrajudicial Killings. I joined the Manila Times Essay Writing Contest with the same theme but failed. This didn’t stop me. I was anxious as I wrote my piece for Palanca in the summer, stressing about it for a whole month, letting Sir Ivan and Ma'am Fyke read it so they can provide their critique, spending about 3 hours on the last night, thinking of the perfect title before I sent it in the following day. As my parents stood by me while I freaked over requirements, I calmly told them that if I win, it would all be for them, anyway. There is no better feeling in the world than seeing my parents happy, to let them know that all their struggle to get me good education and to raise me well aren’t going to waste. 

To be completely honest, there was one event in life this year that led me to believe my entire year was down the drain. I was devastated. Heartbroken. Clinging on to my friends for support. In tears at the most random times...It took a while before I got better, the progress was so slow that sometimes I think I am still not over it, especially when things stress me out and all I need is someone to talk to. I started working out and *trying* to eat healthier when I can. Before I knew it, I was 20 pounds lighter. I joined inter-school events, focused on college entrance exam reviews, had the time of my life with friends I’ve neglected for the past two years. Literally anything that could occupy my time and the empty feeling I had in me, and yet, there were still nights when the pain would get so unbearable I began to ask if the good times were ever even worth this suffering. It got my mind off winning a Palanca award since all I wanted was to feel better and I didn’t think I could take another heartbreak if I didn’t win. I prayed a lot, took refuge in my faith that God will never fail me with the help of my friend Sofia, who encouraged me to read the Bible when I could. Now, I feel calmer whenever I realize that this was something God was telling me, to mold me into the person I was meant to be. He had His reasons, I just had to be strong and patient enough to see it through.

On the 5th of August 2017, I answered the door thinking that the shirt I ordered online had finally arrived. It surprised me when the courier handed me a smaller package. I remember asking, "Kuya, saan galing 'tong sulat?" 

And him going, "Sa Palanca Awards po, Ma'am. Sumali po ba kayo? Nako mukhang nanalo kayo Ma'am ha! Malaki yang award na yan!" 

My heart raced at the name of the sender. I laughed and said, "Nako, Kuya, wag mo kong paasahin baka masaktan ako!" 

I ran to the dinning room, hands shaking so much I couldn't open the package. My brother, Kuya Rj, had to open it for me and give me the envelope. I CRIED when I read it. It was the first time in a long while that I shed tears because I was unbelievably happy. I ran upstairs to tell my parents, my mom wanting to immediately let her Facebook friends know. My dad told me he knew I had it in me. My friend, Justine, who was visiting that time reacted the same way. I told them I wanted to keep it a secret first. I told everyone I cared for and loved through private messages. It was the happiest day of my life, I was so overwhelmed with gratitude I wanted to reach out to the sky and give God the biggest hug. I was saved, blessed beyond measure.

After almost 3 eventful weeks, last night I finally got my award at The Manila Peninsula with my mother. Everything looked so beautiful, in my head I was internally screaming because I was in the presence of literary geniuses, renowned icons, and writers like me who couldn’t believe their luck. Table 18, the one where I sat with fellow 18 under winners and their lovely parents who were all accommodating. I never thought I’d ever experience being called upfront prior  to the ceremony just so photographers could take our photo. Surreal, is what! I was almost half-expecting someone to come out and tell me I’m being pranked, or for me to wake up because surely I must be dreaming. I not nearly as good as everyone in that room. What did I do to deserve such honor? The dinner was great, and for a split second I regretted wearing a tight dress, I could eat all night! The tea was exceptional as well. The play presentation was entertaining, worthy of a Palanca indeed. Dr. Dalisay’s speech sparked something in me: a vision, maybe, of what it would be like to write (and speak) as well as he does. F. Sionil Jose sat two tables away from us, and I wanted a photo with him but he left earlier than expected. My mother fangirled over Cherry Pie Picache being in the same room (and the bathroom!) The feeling of coming up the stage and receiving the award was the most exhilarating thing I’ve experienced. Dr. Dalisay was right, I will never forget the first time I won a Palanca, that night. The certificate will keep me going through hard times, just as his did. I knew right then and there that only a few have had the same experience, and I am not letting it pass me by. I am determined to write for as long as I can, improving every year. I still have a long way to go, but I am excited for what the future holds for my writing career.

Thank you to everyone who believed in me and my writing. My family and friends, teachers, Adamson University--my second home since the 3rd grade, online readers since the dawn of my Wattpad fan fiction phase (slight cringe) after my short Jr. Total Girl Staff Writer stint at 12, to the birth of mariellewritesalot at 15, and now. Thank you God, for showing me You are never going to make me struggle without giving me blessings in return. Even with college entrance exams and my debut coming up, I feel like my 2017 has already been made. I can only hope for it to get even better.

This experience has humbled me and made me want to write more for the youth, and for our country. Mabuhay ang mga alagad ng sining! 

Marielle Fatima Burog Tuazon. 17 years old. Palanca awardee, third prize for "The Pursuit of Lucidity" in the Kabataan Essay category. 🤗

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: I will be releasing a new short story in November to celebrate my 18 years of existence on that month! The tentative title is Our Last Good Day and it’s going to be the Young Adult short story you wouldn’t want to miss. More updates and hints coming your way, soon! If you want to read my past short stories, click here.

[revenge-goth]

addiction: a life update

so im gonna post an update on my life. not that yall want it or will even read it but i really need this rn soo. also theres a lot im not gonna iclude bc i wanna talk about addiction. theres a lot to be said about gow i used sex as a coping mechanism, my relapses with self harm, and my journey w medications and mental illness. ill save that for another time. also huge trigger warning for addiction, rape, and suicide.

----------

i started drinking back around 2013 when i was 15. from there, i became a high functioning alcoholic for the next three years. i would always start my day drinking, always took tumblers w alcohol to school. no one really noticed until around my senior year when it really started to become more of a problem due to having been in a really sexually abusive relationship. i did it to cope with everything. i was scared about the future since i never thought i was going to make it past 17 and my 18th birthday was slowly approaching. i was scared about college and growing up and what i wanted to do with my life. i remember being really drunk when receiving my awards and scholarships at a school district function. i remember i found it funny that a fuck up like me was representing my high school and seen as a really successful student while i was masking my drunken state.

by the time i went to college i was blowing through cash for alcohol, i stole from bars, i stole from frat guys. i lied a lot. i did a lot of stupid shit.

during this though, my following on twitter was growing steadily. my drunken thoughts and actions became peoples entertainment and was sensationalized by those around me. people would recognize me as sandia goth in public, people wanted to party w me, people wanted to hang w me, people loved that version of me.

in 2017 i started abusing pills after being raped at a party. i was really drunk when it happened and i dont really remember it. that night is one of those regrets i have to carry with me for the rest of my life. at first i would abuse sleeping meds. later on i started to abuse the fuck outta my antipsychotics. eventually i was prescribed ativan, a benzodiazepine, and that was the beginning of my downward spiral. i was constantly downing pills with a bottle of vodka every night. i was always really careless. i had it in my head that maybe taking all those pills and drinking would eventually end up killing me and that one night i just wouldnt make it home. i dont remember a lot from that period in my life. i remember vague things like stading out on my dorms balcony while all the color around me was extremely saturated and everything was shiny. i remember waking up after a really bad bender in my own vomit. i remember how disappointed my sister was. i remember staring at the bathroom floor.

i hit rock bottom that december, i had tried to commit suicide multiple times in my life but this time i felt like it was a lot more real and a lot more final. it didnt happen though. i dont remember christmas and in my drunken state i lost the christmas present my sister was so excited about giving me. looking back at pictures you could tell that i wasnt there at all and that my family was taking notice.

in january 2018 i checked myself into an inpatient hospital to get sober. i was terrified. i showed up to the hospital intoxicated. they ask you a lot of questions when you come in and i remember talking about everything and just laughing about it. the assessor was really creeped out. they made me sleep it off in a waiting room before they let me into the unit.

it helped a lot and i met a lot of people i wont ever forget. it was kind of weird being the youngest there and group was rough. i remember staying in my room and not being able to go eat because my heartrate was at 52 and i felt actually dead. the withdrawal process was really difficult and staying off was even harder. the first thing i did when i was discharged was drink a whole lot, get high, and had my friends drive me across half of the valley going 90 on the freeway while blasting lcd soundsystem with the windows down at 3 am.

after that i decided that it was time to really stop. my parents had cleared out the liquor cabinet and moved me to a room downstairs with no lock where they could keep an eye on me. they found my stash and threw it out. i also started smoking a lot of fuckin cigarettes. i was sober for about 5 months.

i started drinking again but just socially. a healthy amount. i was good except for a few hiccups here and there until march 2019 when i was raped, again, at another party. i was sober this time which really fucked me up. i remember everything and still have nightmares about it. i started abusing medications again and smoking a lot of weed. i was high for about three weeks before i became suicidal and called the cops on myself so i could be hospitalized. i would end up being hospitalized for two weeks. when i got out i started snorting ambien (which is fuckin wack and i dont recommend). that landed me back in the hospital two weeks later. i would be hospitalized two more times before being stable enough to not have someone taking care of me 24/7.

and we come to now. last week i relapsed. i got really sick though bc the wine i drank was spolied. it really scared me though because i thought my braincells were dying because of all the pills i had snorted (i literally thought this) but it was just the wine. it kind of scared me back to my senses though that that path is not the fuckin way to go.

ive recently gotten back to the things i love: music and art. i reopened my tumblr acct, found my sketchbooks from high school and dug up my old music. doing all of this, including doing a lot of research on my old icon gerard way, watching life on the murder scene and crying because ive been there, and seeing frank iero live, has (as ridiculous as it may sound to most that someone you look up to can be a saving force) made me consider getting clean for 2020. for real this time.

sometimes i miss her. the sadia goth everyine loved and looked up to. i lost a lot of friends when i got sober and even more followers. thats not important in the grand scheme of things, it was an empty sense of validation for me. whats truly important is that im not her anymore. im me. addiction prone, mentally ill, over medicated, lonely, sad, artistic, gives no shits, emo trash, goth icon, uses way too many gerard way references, astrology loving, empathetic to a fault, me.

i know that this is something im going to struggle with for the rest of my life, but i really want to go forward knowing that im trying my hardest and giving it my best shot. this is possibly my hardest feat, my biggest challenge in life, but im trynna make it and ill sure as fuck never let it take me alive.

xoxo,

-sandia goth

(alondra)

[kpopfanficsforthesoul]

Pure Love- BoA

Genre: Romance, Coworkers!Au, Model!Reader

Pairing: BoA x Reader

Prompt: Anonymous said to kpopfanficsforthesoul: Can I get an scenario where the reader is a model under sm and they’ve been trying to get boa to go out with them but she’s really busy working on her comeback but the reader insists so much that she finally accepts? I love your writing!!

Author’s Note: Of course!!! Thank you for requesting this! I’m so glad you like my writing :-)

You sighed as you sat down on your chair. You never really appreciate five minute breaks until you’ve been shooting for three hours without one. You leaned your head back and rested your eyes for a couple of seconds.

“How you doing, beautiful?” you heard a voice ask. You instantly recognized it as your best friend Joy.

“Completely drained.” you griped, looking up at the ceiling.

Joy began to massage your temples. “Even I didn’t think they’d take this long to shoot just your scenes in the music video.”

“Joy-ah, I’ve been slammed with shoots all week.” you complained, slipping off your shoes that murdered your feet. “I had to film three CFs for Nature Republic, go to five photo shoots for Elle magazine, and now they want me to appear in a music video.”

“Well, you are SM’s top model.” Joy began, ruffling your hair. She held up a fake microphone, imitating a broadcast. “Y/N Y/LN, South Korea’s modeling sensation and newest beauty icon, is taking the modeling industry by storm!”

“Yeah, it’s exhausting! I wish I could be just Y/N for a day, and not Y/N the “nation’s fairy’” you laughed, rubbing your eyes. “Wait… this is an EXO music video… what are you doing here?” 

“I’m here for moral support!” she exclaimed, cupping her face with her hands. 

“Thanks Joy-ah! you said, patting her shoulder. You sat up in your chair to look at her. “Yah, this shouldn’t take more than an hour. Will you stay here with me? This director makes us shoot everything like thirty times, and I might need that support you mentioned.”

Joy nodded, opening her mouth to say something, but she was cut off by the director’s demands. 

“Alright everyone, break’s over, back to your stations!” He barked, throwing his clipboard over his shoulder. An intern hurried to catch it. “And where is my skim milk latte with no foam and three drip coffees!” He tipped his empty coffee cup over and shook it in his assistant’s face to emphasize that he was out of his fueling drink. 

“Good luck, I’ll be sitting right here.” Joy told you, motioning over to a nearby chair. 

You nodded, took a deep breath, and walked over to stand in the middle of all nine members. 

“That’s a wrap!” The director declared, clapping his hands together. “Brenda, where’s my Starbucks?!”

A unanimous sigh of relief came from everyone in the room. You bowed to the boys of EXO, then walked away to link arms with Joy. 

“You alright?” she asked you, handing you a water bottle. 

“Yeah. I just need a shower, a bowl of nengmyun, and a nap.” you responded, taking a sip. “Thanks for staying here with me.”

After walking into your dressing room, the assistants helped you take off the shiny jacket and leather pants you were wearing. They then left to let you decompress. Joy came in as they did so and plopped down on the couch. 

“You wanna go get some food? I’m starving.” she whined, scrolling through her phone. 

“Yeah, I just wanna get changed first.” you told her. You walked into the bathroom, took off your makeup, and took a much needed shower. You settled for a white t-shirt, jeans, and red high tops. After all, it was only Joy. You weren’t trying to impress anybody. 

You walked out and back into your dressing room. “Ready to go?” you asked her, picking up your bag. 

“I’ve been ready!” she exclaimed, hopping up from her spot on the couch. “Let’s get some food!”

You laughed as you walked towards the door. However, when you opened it, someone was standing in front of it. Their back was to you. You took notice of their long, wavy, dark brown hair, and that they were wearing a peach colored top and white jeans.

“Excuse me, miss?” Joy asked, standing behind you in the doorway. “Can we help you.”

The woman turned around and flashed a smile once she saw you. You almost fainted. Standing right in front of you was Kwon Boa.

She was your idol. You had spent practically all of your life as her fan. She was, as cheesy as it sounded, your only ideal type. She was warm, kind, and humble… not to mention a legend at SM!

“B-B-Boa Sunbae?” you stuttered in disbelief. 

She nodded. “Hey Y/N, great job at the shoot today.”

“You saw me?” you asked, clutching your heart with wide eyes. 

“Well of course, I’m a big fan of yours!” she exclaimed. She held out a can of Coke. “Here, you must be thirsty.”

You smiled and took it from her. “Thank you, sunbae.” you bowed. 

“You can just call me Boa!” she smiled. 

“Thank you, Boa.” you practically squealed, clutching the cold can in your hands. “But… can I ask why you’re here?” 

“Yes…” she started, stepping closer. “I need a new model for my music video. Originally, Tiffany-ah was supposed to make a cameo, but now she’s busy with her solo promotions. Management thinks you’d be a good pick, but I told them I wanted to make sure you were okay with it first. Do you want to come to the studio with me tomorrow?”

“Wait, Y/N, don’t you have a shoot for Etude Ho- Ouch!” Joy started, but was cut off by your elbow in her rib. 

“Yes, I would absolutely love to!” you told her with the biggest smile you could. 

“Great!” she beamed. “See you then!” She then turned on her heel and walked back down the hallway. 

“Bye!” you chirped after her. As soon as she was out of earshot, you turned around and started pushing Joy back into your dressing room. 

She began to protest. “Wait, Y/N, I thought we were getting food, wait, YAH!” 

You quickly shut the door behind you and plopped into a chair. 

“Oh my goodness!” you marvelled, head in your hands. “Boa wants to do a shoot with me!”

Joy rolled her eyes. “You’ve worked with practically every celebrity in the nation, and you’ve always kept your cool until now.”

“Joy-ah!” you exclaimed, looking up at her. “You know how much I love Boa! For as long as I can remember, she’s the only person I’ve ever wanted to date!” You glanced over at the can of Coke she had given you, which you had set on the coffee table. 

“Boa sunbae had this can in her hand!” You lifted it up in the air like an idol and stroked it a couple of times. “And she gave it to ME!”

“Why don’t you ask her out then?” Joy asked, nonchalantly looking at her manicured nails. 

“What?” you gasped, breaking your gaze away from your new prized possession. 

“Ask her out, Y/N!” she repeated, looking up at you. She came over to sit down next to you. “Look, most people never even get the opportunity to see the celebrities they love. You actually get to work with her! Shouldn’t you take this chance instead of regretting it later?”

You looked up at her. “You know what, Joy? You’re absolutely right! Tomorrow, after the shoot, I’m going to ask my dream girl out to eat.”

Joy got up from her seat. “That’s great! But right now, you’re gonna take your best friend out to eat! Let’s go!”

“Hello Boa!” you chirped, waving from across the room. You gestured to the two coffees you held in your hand. “Thought these might help us get through the shoot!” 

“Hey! Thank you, you’re so sweet!” she exclaimed, taking the cup from you. Your heart stopped as her fingertips brushed over yours. 

You took a deep breath and gathered up all of your courage. It was now or never. 

“So, Boa….” you started. She turned towards you and gave you her full attention. You internally squealed as you again realized that Kwon Boa was right in front of you. Her eyes were so much brighter in person, her smile even more beautiful. You’d give anything to run your fingers through her long hair, to hold her soft fair hand… it was then that you realized that nothing would stop you from making her yours. “Would you like to…”

“Alright everyone, we’ve got so much to do and so little time!” the director barked from his chair, clapping his hands. You rolled your eyes. Great, it was the director from yesterday. “This video will be released in a week so we have to follow the schedule religiously, okay? First off, we have half an hour of hair and makeup for Boa and Y/N, and then we have to film ten clips of them together, and JANGMI WHERE IS MY STARBUCKS?!”

“Ready?” Boa asked. After you nodded,she grabbed your hand and led you over to the makeup vanities. 

After about fifteen minutes of someone hovering over you with a hot iron and poking your eyes with a brush, you looked back over at her. 

“Hey, Boa, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, what’s up?” she asked, that clear and bright smile still on her face. 

“Well the thing is… I think you’re amazing, and I was really hoping you might like to grab dinner with me sometime?” you asked, squinting your eyes shut, in anticipation of her answer. 

She giggled. “Of course Y/N! It’s good for coworkers to be close friends! How about lunch after the shoot?”

You internally kicked yourself. “That sounds good, but I meant we go out as-”

“Close your mouth please.” Someone cut you off. You looked up to see your makeup artist looking up at you with a tube of lip balm in her hand. 

“Sorry.” you mumbled, sighing in defeat. 

Later on, you and Boa were both dressed and ready to shoot. She wore a peach colored lace top and olive green jeans. You on the other hand, were dressed in a tight fitting black tank top, skinny jeans, and a pair of timbs. 

“For the first clip, I want you to run up to Boa with a smile, grab her by the wrist and pull her into that other room. Boa, I want you to act surprised but happy that Y/N is with you.”

“Good job at the shoot today!” Boa told you, grabbing her leather purse. “We still on for lunch?”

“Thanks.” you said with a slight blush, grabbing your jean jacket. “But, Boa, I was hoping we could go out as more than… more than coworkers.”

“Oh, you mean like… as friends?” she asked.

No, why are you so oblivious.You thought to yourself. You let out a deep breath before continuing. “No… I mean, as a date.”

She fell silent, and stared at the floor. You felt like your soul was hanging by a thread as you internally panicked. 

“Y/N, you’re very beautiful. You’re a great person to be around. I truly am flattered, anyone would be lucky to go out with you, but I’m afraid now’s not a very good time for us to be in a relationship.” 

Of course you were disappointed. However, she was right. You were being slammed with shoots, and she was trying to make a comeback. You stayed silent for a little bit, then blinked. You looked back up at her and smiled. “You’re right. Don’t worry, I understand.”

She smiled again. “Thank you Y/N. I’ll see you around the building?” You nodded and waved goodbye, watching her walk away. 

This was fine. In a few weeks, things would settle down for both of you, and you would try again. You couldn’t just give up on her. She was everything you ever wanted. 

Boa sighed as she walked into her apartment. She threw her bag on a chair and slipped off her shoes. She collapsed on her bed. 

I don’t know what to think right now.

She whipped out her phone and scrolled through her contact list to find a suitable friend to talk to. 

Joy-ah. She’s friends with her. 

Five rings later, she heard that familiar cheery voice.

“Boa unni, what a nice surprise!” 

“Hey, Joy-ah…” she mumbled. 

“Something wrong?” Joy asked.

“Nothing, it’s just…” she started, sighing as she stared at her ceiling. “Does Y/N-ah really like me?”

“Unni, what’s this about?” Joy inquired, concerned. 

“I’ve always wanted to find someone who loves me for me…” she started. “I was thirteen when I debuted. All of the sudden, people I knew started flooding me with confessions. It was quite evident that they fell in love with my fame, or my voice, or my looks, or some other aspect of my fame. I never got the chance to be loved as just Kwon Boa the girl, not BoA the successful and beautiful pop star.”

“Are you afraid Y/N just loves you as a fan?” Joy asked her from the other end. 

“Would it be awful to say yes?” Boa murmured, holding back a small tear that threatened to spill from her eye. 

“I don’t know much about your past unni.” Joy started. “Heck, I’ve only been with SM for few years. But what I do know is Y/N. If you heard what she thinks of her fame, you’d be surprised. You’d expect that someone who gets called ‘the most beautiful of them all’ on a daily basis to be stuck up, but she’s the exact opposite. In fact, just yesterday, she was saying that she would give anything just to be Y/N again, not Y/N the successful and beautiful model.”

“Is that true?” Boa asked. “Still… how does Y/N really feel about me?”

“You’ve been their role model for years!” Joy started. 

“Let me guess, because I have healthy skin and big eyes and a slim body?” Boa rolled her eyes. “Or because I was successful in Japan as an artist?”

“No, unni…” Joy sighed. “Y/N loves you because of how you treat people. Instead of getting a large head from being the most successful female solo artist, you remain kind and humble. You stay true to your music and Y/N absolutely loves that you make time to visit your hoobaes and be a friendly and warm sunbae. Honestly… if anyone does love you as Kwon Boa the girl, it’s Y/N.”

Boa stayed silent for a moment. “And you’re one hundred percent positive of this?”

“More than anything else in the world.” Joy smiled. “I think you should take a chance and go out with someone who truly cares about you. And there’s no one better than that than Y/N.”

“Is everything set?” you asked. 

“Yep!” Your coordinator told you, clutching her clipboard. ‘We have the baloons and…”

“Shhh, I think that’s her coming!” You told her, shoving her away. “Get the crew ready! In three minutes exactly, set everything off!”

She nodded and hid behind a building with the rest of the crew. 

“Hey Y/N!” Boa cheered, waving at you. “I’m glad you called me to meet up here!”

“Hey sunbae!” you exclaimed. “I’m glad you came. Look, I want you to know that I respect any decision you make on what I’m about to ask you. Will-”

She held up her hand. “There’s something I want to tell you, Y/N.”

“Sure what is it?” you nervously asked, glancing at your watch. 

“I’ve been thinking, and I’ve realized that I can’t just assume that everyone likes me because of my fame. You are everything I’ve ever been looking for. You’re the sweetest person ever, you’re open minded, and you love people for who they are. You deserve much more, but I have to take a chance… will you go out with me?’

Your mouth dropped open. “Are you serious, sunbae?”

“I told you!” she exclaimed, grabbing you by your shoulders and pulling you close. “Just call me Boa.” she finally mumbled. 

You pulled her close to you in a tight hug. She giggled in happiness. You pulled back and looked in her warm brown eyes. She leaned closer to your face, inches away. You were just about to touch…

The music blasted through the speakers behind you. Balloons were released and flew in the air. You squinted and bit your lip as Boa looked up at them.

Sidewalk, suck me into your depths. You thought.

The dancers came leaping down the street, twirling their flags in the air. 

“Looks like a parade?” you asked, thinking up a quick excuse.

Finally, a loud boom went off, followed by a cloud of smoke. Staring at the sky, you saw the fireworks explode “KWON BOA” the middle one read.

“Why did you do all this?” Boa said with a smile, shouting over all the noise. 

“I wanted to prove I was serious about liking you!” you sheepishly yelled back, cheeks heating up in embarrassment. “I know it’s stupid, but-”

“I love you!” she giggled, pulling you closer again. 

You laughed, content with everything going on in life. And as you kissed Boa with fireworks going off behind you, you knew that this was pure love. 

Author’s Note: Boa is seriously an amazing human being. I hope you like this and are happy with the scenario :-) Thanks again for requesting! I hope any other readers enjoyed this as well!

[Masterlist]

-Marie 💗

[xefaro-blog]

I have been thinking about doing this for a long time now, but haven’t gotten around to due to the lack of time. Sparing a long essay, thank you for the wonderful four years in this community. I’ve made friends I never thought I would, and made memories that I will take with me as I move on to bigger things. Thank you for plotting, threading and appreciating all the muses I’ve had so far.

The following are messages for my vips (IC/OOC or a mix of the two. You’ll know). The numbers correspond to the dates that we first met (MMYY). I apparently met more people in February 2015/ September 2014, so these dates are a lot more specific (MMDDYY).

date undisclosed (8008). You were the best friend of best friends. An ultimate. You always had my back through whatever. I’m sparing myself writing a super emo message about you because we all know I’ll see you next week anyway. Thank you for being the sunboob to my buttoria, (very briefly, the kihyun to my hyungwon), and the jackson to my mark/jaebum. Thank you for starting dxr and jype with me and making this experience enjoyable tenfold.

date undisclosed (starfire). my love. I’ve had the biggest pleasure in life to have known you. I don’t know where you are now, but I hope you’ve found your bliss. We went through a lot in a span of a few years. From best friends to lovers and back again, and again. I’ve never regretted the moments we shared, nor the lack of it. Even though I wouldn’t be able to share it with you, I wish your future is as bright as the stars. if you ever miss me, you can listen to my songs. I love you, nerd. 💖

0413. We’ve been friends for so long. You’re the longest friend I’ve had in this community. You’ve been there since I started and no matter how many accounts we both go through (and how many faces I make), you were one of my constants. I love how we were always so close—that no matter how long it took, all we needed to do was reconnect and it’d be like we were never apart at all. Our inside jokes were the highlight of my evenings, and I’ll always remember all the conversations we’ve ever had (about life, love and everything in between). You are a friend for life, baby boo. I only wish the best for you. I love you, sincerely. ♡

021015. ah, a confused branch of the family tree. you were my 누나, and then my mom, and then my sister. we started hitting it off right from the get go, and when you agreed to have ice cream with me on such a cold day, I knew right then that you were a keeper. you know all the secrets I can’t say out loud and have seen me at the happiest and worst points of my life. in many ways, you really were the older sister/mom in spite of myself assuming the big bro title. I promised you a lot of things, that you’ll always have me right beside you. I haven’t been good with those promises lately, and I regret that the most. You are important, and you have people who care for you, I’m pretty sure you know that. I love you always, baby sis. keep your chin up!

date unavailable (boatshoes). my boatshoe bro! first of all, our friendship has got to be the most romantic platonic relationship i’ve ever had. I know you’re my bro/soulmate for life, I think we established that when we put up matching icons/UNs/statuses for 1000++ times. you were my vitamin, a day without you felt like a bore. knowing all the words to say to make me laugh, you just get me. there were a lot of missed opportunities for us to talk, and I’m regretful about that. I truly enjoy every other day that we were laughing about internet idiots or typos or crazy shit like that though. thank you for being you! stay swole bro. i love you lots.

0915. this may not be the most accurate date, but I’ve known you since then. you were my cool dad, you still are! I was pretty intimidated at first, but I’m thankful you took the first step in sending me a message that day. I love how you welcomed my friendship so openly, despite the circumstances (twins are so cruel). you are genuinely kind, funny and smart—it shows in the way your friends adore you. never doubt how much you’ve touched peoples’ lives. I only wish you the best of the best, because you are the best! you are loved, and I’m sure you know that. don’t let anybody else bring you down! stay awesome dad ✌️

091314. my pikachu potato. I’m very thankful for you�� for your friendship, for the love, for always being there for me despite me being a little shit a lot of the time. I was dumb and careless around your feelings and in retrospect, I wish I treated you better the past two years. I want you to know that you were never a bother to me, that I appreciated every single time you checked in, dropped a gift or said hi. you always get sick so be sure to take care of yourself. don’t skip your meals and don’t overexert yourself— we always tell each other this, so you better not forget. I’m glad JYP finally let us have that duet. I’ve been wanting to sing with you for a long time. Maybe it was a farewell gift? heh. Take care, cutato. stay humble and generous~

020515. you’ll always be the burger girl to this pizza boy. boy, where do i start with you, hm? We’ve had a lot of fun in such a short time. I remember how we used to spend hours playing BGO and CAH (i’m still sad i never won). thank you for sticking with me in spite of wherever you or I moved. take care of mini-mark for me, please don’t dress him in dresses (he gets shy aha). thank you for being the meme girl to this meme boy, sucks we never got to build an FNC empire orz. I’m wishing you all the best, take care mike. e u e

091714. If it isn’t my beautiful mum. You know this, I think you are the ultimate of ultimates, the bringer of salvage (and cinnamon rolls hehe). I’ve always been your biggest fan. The day we met had me really starstruck, I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed that (my ears were pretty red). Mum, you are wonderful, strong, smol but fiesty (and the only one I would go on a bakery run for in the wee hours of the morning). I’m very thankful for your loyalty, I’ll never forget how you stood up for me that time I got called a fuckboy :’) Stay golden, mum. You are amazing.

021115. One word: thankful. I’m thankful you haven’t forgotten about me in spite of my constant absences. I’m thankful you choose to keep me along with you wherever you went— that no matter how much time went on, I know I could still keep in touch with you one way or the other. I’m also thankful at how much you’ve been a good friend to your best twinnie. You’re an amazing person, keep doing you! Wishing you good luck and happiness.

0616. I’m pretty sure I knew you before this date, I just couldn’t trace how far back. I was always comfortable with you, and our conversations, no matter how trivial, were always a good start/end to my day. You really were my good luck charm. I find that I had better sleep, better songwriting, and a better mood whenever you were around and for that I’m thankful. I’ll never forget the day you kept me locked out though, maybe I’ll get you back someday.

0116. mi fiance, who I never got to marry wtheck! thank you for sharing your favorite movies and songs with me. I can’t believe i’ve never seen corpse bride before orz I wish we had more time to hang out/rabbit again, it was really fun. Don’t ever forget mcdonkadonks! You know where to find me if you need me. Stay sassy, smol and spunky.

0515. Our relationship just gradually became very ooc over the past two years. I love how easy it was to be able to talk about our personal lives to each other, it’s like having an extra ear to listen to my complaining and vice versa. Wish we had a lot more time to have our muses interact, who knows, maybe in the future? :D

1014. I don’t think I’ll ever celebrate halloween the same way ever since the pumpkin costumes of ’14. Our friendship was founded on such a silly thing, and every year it’ll be a reminder of our gastronomic adventures. We’re basically pig-out buddies. I saw you greet me the day of my birthday, thank you for remembering. You’re one of my most genuinely kind and sincere friends. I’m really happy to have known someone like you. Thank you for sharing your blanket with me in the waiting room that day, for coming with me to places despite the risk of being seen by paparazzi and for putting on crazy onesies (not many people would)! Stay amazing, lady pumpkin!

p.s. this is in no specific order at all, just in the order I remembered/ could trace back the dates. p.p.s. sorry if i sometimes don’t make sense, I pretty much rambled during the entire thing… :’ )

Sincerely,

qianniesong - 94xji - trickstuan - wonsvego - xefaro

[felicia-cat-hardy]

21 Nostalgic Fashion Trends From The Early 2000s

Oh, the 2000s. It was a time when I was watching Lizzie McGuire and Even Stevens and listening to “Dirrty” by Christina Aguilera while typing my AIM away messages LiKe ThIs. For millennials, looking back on that period is like reopening a time capsule filled with some of the fondest memories and most devastating embarrassments — and your personal sense of style during those years probably falls into the latter category. But the thing is, even though you hope your fashion sense has evolved since the preteen stage, if someone tried to extort you with photos of you wearing 2000s fashion trends like butterfly clips and frosted lip gloss, they’d be coming away empty-handed. Everyone has their share of regrets in life — both fashion and otherwise — but lamenting how you looked in the first several years of the new millennium isn't among them.

Maybe I’m biased by 2000s nostalgia, but this time period was when I first started picking out my own clothes and trying out trends. "For preteens, those early choices that they are able to make of their wardrobe become really important," Natalie Nudell, adjunct instructor in the art history and museum professions department at the Fashion Institute of Technology, tells Bustle.

Shopping and experimenting with my hair were suddenly becoming important to me in a way they hadn’t been before. The 2000s were when I first started thinking about how my appearance could be an extension of my identity.

As embarrassing as some of those old pictures may be, I think of the clothes I wore and the way I styled my hair as a rite of passage. If nothing else, it made for some great memories. And, those trends now live on through Instagram accounts dedicated to the fashion of decades past. "Niche interests can garner huge audiences and communities in a way that they had really not been able to previously," Nudell says.

Take a walk down memory lane with me as I revisit some of the biggest 2000s fashion trends.

1. Frosted Lip Gloss

In the 2000s, the frostier your lips were, the better they looked. No outfit felt complete without applying three to seven layers of pink lip gloss with a shimmery finish. It was also mandatory that you keep your lip gloss in the back pocket of your jeans (especially at the mall) so everyone would know that you have lip gloss in the back pocket of your jeans.

2. Trucker Hats, Especially Von Dutch Hats

I owned a Von Dutch hat, and I didn’t even like accessorizing with hats. I’m pretty sure I saw Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie rocking Von Dutch during an episode of The Simple Life, and when I finally found one at the mall I had to buy it. Owning a Von Dutch hat was an important moment in early 2000s fashion.

3. Low-Rise Jeans

In the early 2000s, the back middle belt loop of a pair of low-rise jeans was probably the most touched thing in junior highs and high schools across the country. Why? Because we were all casually tugging up our low-rise jeans all day.

“In the mid ‘90s, Alexander McQueen had an iconic fashion show where he showed super low-rise pants where the upper buttocks were exposed," Nudell says. "That really trickled down to the way pants and trousers were made for both men and women.”

Low-rise jeans might’ve been great for flaunting your midriff, but they also made bending over feel like a Cirque de Soleil routine.

4. Lace-Up Jeans

Technically, lace-up anything was in style in the 2000s. This might rock your world, but I had lace-up jeans that not only laced in the fly/button area, but also at the bottom of the leg where they flared out.

I would often wear those with my pale blue shirt that laced up near the cleavage, which my mom forced me to wear a cami underneath. I thought the cami was the one element that ruined that look completely.

5. Jeans With No Back Pockets

These made carrying your frosted lip gloss a bit complicated, but 2000s fashion was all about jeans with no back pockets. The less pockets, the better. If you wanted to be the envy of everyone in your class, you desperately looked for a pair of lace-up jeans that also had no pockets.

6. Jeans With Bedazzled Pockets

So you couldn’t find any jeans without pockets, what do you do? Go to the opposite end of the back pocket spectrum, of course. Embellished, bedazzled, and otherwise ornate back pockets were every bit as trendy as not having any pockets at all.

I once owned a pair of jeans whose back pockets were shaped like hearts. As I’m sure you can imagine, they were totally functional and ideal for holding heart-shaped things close to my butt. You may scoff, but unique jeans are coming back in style.

7. Popcorn Shirts

Remember those scrunchy shirts that look like they were made for a toddler but somehow expanded into a normal size when you put them on? In 2000s fashion, those scrunchy, popcorn shirts were where innovation met elegance.

8. Tattoo Choker Necklaces

The tattoo choker necklace was probably the first piece of jewelry I loved, and I wasn’t the only one. “In the early 2000s, we start to see revivals of older styles that had choker necklaces,” Nudell says.

Your neck probably felt naked without a tattoo choker on it. There were few worse feelings in those days than when you had to retire one of your tattoo choker necklaces that became too stretched out to accurately be called a choker anymore.

9. Halter Tops

For the rest of my life, I’ll probably never again wear as many halter tops as I did in high school. Maybe during those hormonal, angst-ridden years, the ennui of traditionally strapped tops was just too much to bear. Wearing a strappy halter top with Old Navy flip flops was why most of us looked forward to summer.

10. Pants With Messages On The Butt

Whether it was a saucy “Sassy” in purple cursive or the word “CUTIE” in glittery capital letters, advertising your personality traits on your butt was the coolest in 2000s fashion. The other option was to have your favorite brand name splashed across every article of clothing you owned.

"Brands literally put their name on everything as a way of differentiating themselves from other groups and also signaling very directly to people around you what brand affiliation you have,” Nudell says.

11. Wide-Legged Yoga Pants

Remember those pants we all wore before yoga pants took their place? They were real, actual garments, but they were the closest you could be to not wearing anything while still covering your lower body? I miss them. While wearing these pants, it felt like my lower body was ensconced in a very forgiving cloud of fabric and mystery.

12. Airbrushed Shirts

For several years in the 2000s, it seemed like every mall had a kiosk or a storefront where people were airbrushing custom t-shirts. Most people went the creative route and got one with their name on it, and some couples would even get matching tees. They were all the rage in 2000s fashion.

13. All Denim Everything

Denim owes a lot to 2000s fashion. For a long time, we assumed denim could only be used for making jeans and jackets, but that’s just not the spirit of the 2000s. “With celebrities and music and pop stars like Britney Spears, the denim trends really started making a major impact and influencing what people were wearing,” Nudell says.

We wanted denim everything. Denim hats, denim skirts, denim dresses, denim jumpers, and denim vests. We wanted different colors and washes of denim stitched together. We wanted frayed denim incorporated in as many ways as possible. We wanted to see celebrities wearing denim on the red carpet. We. Loved. Denim.

14. Studded Belts

I was never actually cool enough to wear one of these because Hot Topic intimidated me at the time, but lots of people I went to school with loved the studded belt. The great thing about the studded belt was that it matched with everything. You could wear it with your Good Charlotte hoodie or your Happy Bunny tee. The studded belt was truly one of the most versatile accessories of the time.

15. Butterfly Clips

No hair accessory has ever been as underrated as the butterfly clip. Whether it was those multicolored ones that came in a pack of 10 or the silver, glittery ones that made it look like a gilded butterfly just landed in your hair, we need to bring butterfly clips back. No hair device has properly restrained my baby hairs since the butterfly clip.

16. Rhinestones

Whether they were peel and stick fake earrings or embellishments on your sunglasses, rhinestones were equivalent to 14-karat diamonds in 2000s fashion. Tweens are not at all intimidated by a lot of bling, and if you ask me, it’s a shame we lose that as we get older. Never again in my life will I be brave enough to wear jeans that had rhinestones running down the side.

17. Baby Tees

With a slightly cropped silhouette, cap sleeves, and a pointelle design in some instances, a baby tee is peak 2000s. It’s also peak today, as it happens. Style your simple top with everything from a silk midi skirt to cut-off denim shorts, depending on where you’re headed.

18. Baguette Bags

Think back to Carrie Bradshaw years and dive head-first into the baguette bag trend. With a flat silhouette and a profile that sits comfortable right beneath your armpit, it’s a great grab-and-go bag that will have you dreaming of a retro decade and loving every moment of it.

19. Cardigans

Whether you throw one on over a tank, tee, or button-down shirt, or choose to button it up most of the way and wear it as a shirt, the world is your oyster. In every color, neck shape, and overall silhouette, a cardigan sweater is an absolute wardrobe essential this year, and a 2000s throwback everyone loves.

20. Hair Claws

Tie your hair in a knot and open up a tortoise hair claw. It’s the easy twist-and-go hairstyle solution you loved in the 2000s and that are slowly becoming ubiquitous again today.

21. Rugby Shirts

The preppy staple from your 2000s wardrobe is back. And this time, you’re going to pair it with mini skirts and denim shorts instead of low-rise jeans and track pants. Add a little bit of boyish sporty charm with the chunky-striped top that you used to love.

Sources interviewed:

Natalie Nudell, adjunct instructor in the Art History and Museum Professions department at the Fashion Institute of Technology

Additional reporting by Eden Lichterman

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