#besides that i really do enjoy whenever chef bigfoot shows up! he's a delight!

[thiswasinevitableid]

Newlyweds game sternclay?

Prompt: our friend signs us up for a Newly Weds Game even though we’re not dating (bonus if they’re not friends, but know each other well enough to win anyway)

Barclay paces back and forth in the greenroom, as Stern bites his hangnails in worry.

He’s going to kill Ned for this.

“This” being the fact that he and Stern are waiting to participate in an episode of the Newlywed Game. He didn’t even know they still made the Newlywed Game.

The main problem, other than Barclay not enjoying the thought of being on camera, is that he and Stern aren’t newlyweds.

They’re not even dating.

They’re acquaintances. They met at a board game night in a local bar. Barclay came with his friend Duck (the instigator of said night), and Stern was eventually brought by his niece, Aubrey (also Barclays friend), after moving to town.

Stern is nerdy, buttoned-up, a bit aloof, though whenever he sits next to Barclay (something Aubrey keeps engineering) he murmurs sly comments and jokes that always make the bigger man snicker. His dark hair is always slicked back, his clothing immaculate, and his face is downright dazzeling. He works for the FBI, in the UP division, but will never talk about work no matter how much the others press. But he will talk to Barclay about other things, like baking or movies or modern trends neither of them quite grasp.

And then Ned fucking Chicane had to go and sign them up for this show as a joke and things escalated from there, as they so often do with Ned.

“We could go out the window, perhaps. Or fake coronary troubles.” Stern muses.

“Tempting, but at this point we oughta just grin and bear it. Maybe we’ll win something.”

“I appreciate the optimism, Barclay, but we barely know each other. No, I fear, this will be a bit awkward for us and make us look like the worst newlyweds in the universe.”

“Maybe they won’t be able to use it.”

“Why?”

“Dunno, half the time people take photos or videos of me I come out blurry.”

Round One

Barclay sits on stage, the cheerful host about to ask him five questions. Or, rather, they’re going to ask Stern and Barclays answers have to match his.

“Let’s start you out easy: what’s your favorite color?”

Okay, he can do this, what color does Stern usually wear?

Black. Because he’s often in his work suit.

No, hang on, his ties, they’re almost always…

He scribbles down “blue.” Holds up his board.

Stern arches an eyebrow, flips his to reveal, in his neat handwriting, “blue.”

“Alright! Question two: Lucky, how would you describe Barclays cooking? Is it spot on? Or does he need some cooking classes.”

Barclay huffs, write down what’s obviously the correct answer, “spot on.”

Stern flips his around with a smile. It reads the same. Obviously, because Barclay runs a damn catering business.

Question three asks where Stern would travel if he could go anywhere.

Shit, okay, what does Stern like? Where would he go to see that. Oh, he knows.

“To Washington to look for bigfoot? Oddly specific, Barclay, let’s see how you did.”

Stern arches an eyebrow, smiling, reveals his sign says the same.

Question four (“which of his relatives is Lucky least fond of?”) is the first he gets wrong, writing “great aunt” instead of “great uncle.”

“To finish out the round, Lucky, what would you say your husband loves the most about you?”

Barclay finds himself writing without thinking, listing off the thing he likes best about Stern.

“His inquisitive mind. How deep. Lucky?”

Sterns board reads, “my mind,” earning them more points.

As they wait for round two, Stern smiles at him.

“I’d like to try your cooking for myself some day.”

“Think I can manage that.”

A beat of silence.

“I’m flattered to know you agree my mind is my best trait.”

“Your eyes are a close second.”

Stern looks at him befuddled, and Barclay laughs, sheepishly, “uh, sorry, was just, uh, joking.”

Except, he realizes as they take the stage again, he was not.

Round Two

The roles are reversed, the questions directed at Barclay and Stern trying to match his answers.

“First up! The last time you gave Lucky flowers, were they roses, carnations, or something else? Or will he say you’ve never given him flowers?”

Zinnias. He’d bring Stern Zinnias, because they’re bright and proud just like he is.

“Oooh, looks like we have a disagreement folks. He says you’ve never brought him flowers.”

Stern gives him a confused look, and Barclay realizes he was expecting him to give the honest answer, rather than what he would do.

“Next: which one of you most organized.”

Easy.

“Him” Barclay writes.

“Me.”

“That’s more points on the board! What was your first job, Barclay?”

Ugh. He was a gorilla mascot for a car dealership.

“Gorilla mascot. How about that folks!”

Wait, Stern knew that?

“Barclay, what’s the one thing you wish Lucky spent a little less time on to focus on you.”

Barclay thinks about Sterns odd schedule, his devotion to his work, the times he’s gone out of town without notice.

“Work.”

“My work.” Stern looks down when he holds up his board, almost like he’s ashamed.

“Maybe need to take the nose from the grindstone and spend some quality time with your hubby, Lucky! Finally, Barclay, who kissed who first?”

Jesus. Okay, hypothetically, if he were to ask Stern on a date or two, would he make the first move? He usually doesn’t. And Stern seems like he’s confident enough in reading people that he’d go for it.

“He kissed me”

“I kissed him first (he’s shy).”

“Well done! You’re on track for some serious prizes. Right after these messages.”

They’re ahead of the other two couples by a little and have already won a dyson vacuum (Stern calls dibs) and a Le Cruset set (Barclay can’t believe his luck, those things are expensive).

“How’d you know about the gorilla thing?”

“I recall you and Duck comparing worst first jobs and you talked about getting heat stroke in it.”

He takes a sip of water,

“How did you know what killed my last two relationships?”

“Oh shit, really?”

“Yes.” Stern says flatly.

“I, uh, I thought about how you’re such an ambitious, dedicated guy and how weird you’ve said your hours can be. Seemed like that could make dating tricky.”

“You have no idea.”

“I mean, I was a chef for years, which had some weird fucking hours. Besides, you deserve a guy who’ll appreciate you even when you have to work overtime. Or go to New Mexico for the weekend.” He smiles down at Stern, feels something catch in his chest when their eyes meet. Stern looks down, pink dusting his cheeks.

“Zinnias?”

“Seemed like you might like them.” Barclay can’t say why, feels his cheeks burning just at the thought.

“I do. I love bright flowers. I spend so much time in sterile, bland rooms, it makes me appreciate the color in the natural world.”

“I could bring you some from my garden. It’s irises right now, mostly.”

“I’d like that, very much.” He takes Barclays hand and squeezes it in thanks.

Barclay tries to ignore the butterflies bursting loose in his stomach.

Round Three

The lightening round. All Barclay has to do is guess how Stern answered seven either/or questions. He gets through the first four just fine, correctly guessing that Stern prefers chips over candy, books over movies, cold over hot, and morning over evening

“Here’s a bit of a naughty one! Missionary or doggy-style?”

Yeah, this isn’t something they’ve chatted about. Lucky strikes him as someone who likes romance, likes feeling close and wanted and cared for in a way that suggests he prefers things with eye-contact.

“Missionary?”

“Don’t sound too sure there, Barclay, but you’re right!”

Number six is easier (how could it not be) and number seven is only a little harder.

“A fancy night out or a cozy night in?”

He thinks about Lucky, the way he seems to always be around people for work, sighs wistfully whenever Duck talks about a lazy weekend at home, seems excited when he has no obligations.

“Cozy night in.”

“Correct!”

Lucky whoops in delight from off camera and then joins Barclay.

“You’ve racked up the most points, which means you’re the winners!”

The audience cheers and begins making whistling, woo-ing calls.

“They expect us to kiss” Lucky whispers with a grin and it gives Barclay just enough courage to do something risky.

“Hold tight.”

“Excuse meeeeahumph!” He dips Lucky into a kiss, which the shorter man reciprocates, feels him laughing as he does, his whole body lighting up with joy as he deepens the kiss.

“Whoah there, lovebirds, save it for the the second honeymoon! Jim, tell them where they’ll be going…”

——————————-

They just make it back to the car before bursting into hysterical laughter.

“Ned is going to be speechless!”

“That I’d like to see.” Lucky smiles at him from the passenger seat, their prizes safely stowed in the trunk.  Well, all but one of them.

“Bit of an odd choice for a second honeymoon, Seattle. I’d assumed they’d pick somewhere with broader appeal, like Hawaii.”

“Hey, you’ll get to look for Bigfoot!” Barclay shoves him playfully on the shoulder.

“Me? I, uh, assumed you would take it. The food scene is supposed to be excellent”

“Nah, you should, you need a vacation.”

Lucky looks at him, thoughtfully.

“Or we could go together, as is the intent.”

“You’d really be okay with that?”

“Yes. I, well, I like you very much Barclay. I think a little trip together could be quite enjoyable.”

“I can go for that. On one condition.”

Stern raises his eyebrows, clearly not sure what’s coming next.

“You gotta let me take you on a few dates before our ‘honeymoon.’”

Stern relaxes with a smile, leans forward and pecks Barclay gently on the lips.

“That sounds magnificent.”

“Cozy night in? With me this Friday?”

“I’d like nothing better.” Lucky settles as close as he can, rests his head on Barclays shoulder

“I’m cooking?” He asks with a smile, already planning what to make. Stern kisses his nose.

“Right again.”