#being reminded that you're the dumb one both in your current relationship and your past one ✌

[vitasexualiiis]

poor fukuzawa is soooo out of his element with these two???

there's no way between mori, dazai, and ranpo he doesn't feel like a stone cold dumbass like 75% of the time even though he'd otherwise be the smartest person in the room.

[thisselflovecamebacktome]

'#it especially makes the tracklist order make more sense to me tbh' I'm sure this is a dumb question, but what do you mean by this? Because the tracklist order still feels a little random to me so I'd love to hear your thoughts

Not a dumb question at all. Like until I listened to the album in full after making the realisation of it being the equivalent of calling your exes and asking why it didn't work, I felt the tracklist order was all over the place and felt off, but it just clicked to me upon that specific listen through. I'm going to go through it track by track below, but yeah I'm gonna put it under a read more because it'll be long lmao.

So in short, while I don't want to go as far as to call the tracklist the equivalent of a mental breakdown because that's dramatic, I do think it highlights the ebbs and flows of what goes through a person's mind when they're in a relationship that they're uncertain about the future for and unsure if they should stay in or not. Like to me the flow between one topic and another just feels more natural in a stream of that kind of mindset. My thoughts on how each track fits this is below.

Lavender Haze: The starting point of the thought process. I've always felt this song was about 2016 (first verse) and 2021 (second verse) with the bridge being a general comment and now I'm more sure than ever of that. By having both, it sets up not only how Taylor perceives fame as the main issue in her life but also why she wants to fight so badly for this relationship. I'm unsure if it's intentional but it's also interesting to have 'haze' be a part of the first song, indicating that she's not seeing clearly, but would rather be in love and not seeing clearly than consider other people's concerns in a moment where the relationship isn't working (tying in The Great War where she felt she was being betrayed by analysing someone else's [the other woman's] disregard to the relationship). With the truth now coming out that Joe was not 'handling [the scrutiny] beautifully', this song acts as somewhat of a mix of Taylor reminding herself of a time where he did and trying to convince herself that he still does and that's worth fighting for.

Maroon: Coming from a place of 'looking back at past relationships to see what didn't work when your current one isn't working', Maroon makes sense to be next because Joe and Jake are the most alike of Taylor's exes. And I mean this personally, both of them could not handle her fame/not being on her level with that being a big reason for the split and both of them being the biggest loves of her life so far. While I'm not going to talk about the order of the 3am tracks here because I don't think there's much to say past the last 3 tracks being deliberate with Dear Reader being a great closer and Glitch clearly being a sequel to High Infidelity, I also have always felt like the lyrical similarities between Maroon and The Great War (including The Great War being later on, making Maroon 'the past', like part of Jake's legacy is how Taylor interacts with lovers sadly) and to a lesser degree Maroon with Lavender Haze stick out to me whenever I listen to this album, making the similarities between the two men all the more noticeable. So yeah, the jump from what happened with Joe to what happened with Jake is the smallest and flows well when considering this angle.

Anti Hero: The spiralling moment of "god maybe I'm the problem" (no pun intended). Like especially with the "Taylor Swift is the problem" movement being at its height at the time Taylor was on again/off again with Jake, again it makes sense for this to be the next step.

Snow On The Beach: The moment of clarity of "yet despite being the problem, Joe still wanted me at my worst and things were good at the beginning when it was just the two of us".

You're On Your Own Kid + Midnight Rain: As an aside note, I've always seen YOYOK as a purely sad song, not bittersweet/happy at the end and I think this is highlighted more here. But yeah these two both acknowledge how multifaceted her feelings of fame are. Because yeah she worked her ass off and achieved all she wanted without anyone's help. No one coming into her life or leaving it can take that away from her. But it also came at a cost and has caused her a lot of pain and has been the downfall of most of her relationships (making it clear that's the fault of the guy for not being able to handle it, but she's still at the stage of blaming the fame itself). It feels natural that something like this would come after Snow On The Beach, a song about someone wanting her despite her being at her worst/things being good when fame wasn't as much of a factor.

Question: Tbh kinda a sense of "Do you know what else fame fucking ruined for me? Any chance I had with Harry", a dude who should have been able to handle it because he was at the same fame level as her. Again, with that being one of the heights of fame interfering with her love life, it makes sense to be in this section and flows well as a "it's not just that Joe isn't as famous, it's that fame is the issue" connector.

Vigilante Shit: What better time than when bitter about all the ways fame fucked you over is there to include a song about the main dude who facilitated the bad press about you and has benefited from it the whole way through? Like this song isn't just about her masters, it's about how he facilitated snakegate, how he has been alleged to have paid for every bad story about her (and Selena) to be written and more. So having Question, a song about one of the periods where the press was at its worse, flow into this makes sense.

Bejeweled, Labyrinth + Karma: The 2016 + consequences/rewards trio. It's not hard to imagine how talking about Scooter would be a small jump to Bejeweled (what was going on while he was orchestrating snakegate) and then Labyrinth was the direct sequel with Karma being the ultimate recognition that without those fallouts, she wouldn't be where she is. Like the chorus and bridge of Karma is in many ways, the song version of "without your past you could never have arrived so wondrously and brutally by design or some violent, exquisite happenstance here." from her Why She Disappeared poem. It's also the turning/decision point that yes, what her and Joe have is worth fighting for and she does want to stay (even if it is in that Lavender Haze). I do wonder/find it interesting how much of this was her convincing herself though considering that while I do 100% believe Bejeweled is purely about Calvin, it's clear that Taylor was feeling cast out at that point with Joe. Like the latter two songs almost feel like a reminder to/convincing herself that Joe is not Calvin and this is different.

Sweet Nothing: This song is not only the embodiment of the good parts of Joe and Taylor's relationship but also living proof of what they can achieve when they work together considering he cowrote for it. I know a lot of people say that they believe in the double meaning (that he didn't need anything from her professionally but also wanted someone less famous/more dependent on him) and I can definitely see that, but I would say that this song goes back to Lavender Haze in the way that it's a "well I don't like fame and would rather be home with him anyway", which again, makes him different from Calvin (at least in the moment, ultimately it sounds like it wasn't), who, we later find out in High Infidelity, Taylor felt suffocated by when put in the same position. The contrast to Calvin/2016 in general also makes it make sense why her mind would flow from Labyrinth to Karma rather than having the two Scooter songs together.

Mastermind: The counter song to YOYOK. This is the "Hell yeah I worked my ass off and played the game and look where it got us. I got to have love and fame". Very classic Taylor to finish on a high note that encompasses the main themes (her need to be loved + understood, fate vs her own actions, why this love/pain hits different [pun intended] for her etc).

3am tracks/Hits Different + other thoughts: Like I said, I don't have much to say about the non standard tracks because outside of the pairing of High Infidelity + Glitch and Dear Reader being last, I don't really think there was much of a narrative purpose for the order. If anything, all I could really add is that it makes sense that WCS (and BTTWS if it's about her growing up too fast like some think it is) makes sense to be on the deluxe because while it does fit the theme of going back and considering what went wrong with your exes, there's no direct tie in what happened with John and fame or how it led her to Joe like there is with the standard songs. Likewise the rest of them just don't really sonically/narratively fit in with the standard in my opinion, so she made the right choice having them be seperate.

What I do want to mention is that I think Aaron recently mentioning that some of his songs being written when they were at the 2021 grammys (so months before the standard tracks with Jack) is extremely interesting and may lend some insight into how long Taylor felt cast aside for as well as how this album came to be. Like I don't think it's a coincidence that the John and Calvin songs came on not only a night where she had to see John (which she has noted that she actively avoids where possible because it upsets her that much), but on a night where she once again was receiving the top award for her field without her partner being present (call back to what she said on Miss Americana about winning the 2016 AOTY grammy). Also just in general, I'd argue that out of her exes John and Calvin are more alike to each other than they are to any of the others. And before anyone says it, yes, while it's possible Joe didn't show due to Covid restrictions, given how many other things he's missed over the years and that seemingly being a main if not the reason they ultimately broke up, I'm not so sure of that anymore. Like I don't want to speculate, but I imagine the mix of those things alongside the potential issues with her and Joe's then current relationship made his absence all the more noticeable.

Likewise, I don't think it's a coincidence that the songs about Jake, Harry and fame came at a time where not only was Taylor releasing her rerecorded album from 2012, but where Joe was once again not available, this time definitely due to his own fame/career. Like it sounds harsh, but the tie between the standard and deluxe tracks seems to be Joe reminding her of her exes by not showing up.

Anyway, it's almost 2am here so hopefully this makes sense and please feel free to send more asks if it doesn't, but yeah, like this album and it's tracklist order just make a lot more sense and flows better to me since realising that it's the equivalent of calling your exes to ask where things went wrong to try and figure out what's going wrong in your current relationship in album form.

[rocksandrobots]

Of Rocks and Robots Ch. 28 - The Club

Once again just a friendly warning that this episode features and discusses teenage drinking

Varian stumbled out of bed and yawned. He looked at the clock and noticed the time. 6:30. Shoot! He was suppose to be up before six!

He threw on some clothes and rushed down stairs to the cafe.

Hiro and Aunt Cass were already down there setting up for the day.

"Sorry.. I slept in." He apologized. "Why didn't anybody wake me?"

"Oh well, I figured you could use the sleep. Besides it's only thirty after. Sit down and have some breakfast." Aunt Cass placed a couple of egg sandwiches on the table along with a cup of coffee and a cup of orange juice and encouraged the two boys to have a seat. While they both ate, Aunt Cass blithely carried on the conversation.

"So how did last night go?"

Varian eyed Hiro who glared at him over his sandwich but didn't say anything. "It went great actually. I even met someone while there."

"Oooh, that's wonderful sweetie. I'm so happy that you're making friends."

"Her name's Carol and she's a freshmen at the Art Institute. She just moved here from Mississippi, so she's new in town like I am."

"Oh, so she's what, 17... 18?"

"I..I honestly don't know. I didn't think to ask. But she invited me to another party tonight. If it's okay, I thought I might go. I could find out then."

"Another party?" Aunt Cass raised an eyebrow. It was a holiday weekend sure, but it was unusual to get invited to two parties in two days.

"Yeah, it's Jessica's birthday. She's Carol's friend and another person I met at the art school. They're all going to some restaurant to go dancing at. I forgot the name of the place, but Carol was going to text me directions if I could make it."

Aunt Cass thought a moment about it and then nodded along. "Well okay, just let me know where and text me when you get there. Also, once again, try not to stay out too late."

"Wait." Hiro interjected. He couldn't believe the ease with which Varian lied, nor could he believe that the other teen had just tricked Aunt Cass into letting him go out again to another wild party. He considered telling the truth right then and there, but the angry glare from Varian reminded Hiro of their argument last night and how Varian held dirt over himself as well. So he came up with an excuse instead. "I...I thought you wanted us all to spend more time together this weekend?"

"Well there's still Sunday tomorrow." Aunt Cass answered. "Why don't we have family movie night again? What do ya say? We could go out to the theater and catch a new release. I think their playing some sort of superhero movie this week."

The boys exchanged awkward glances but in the end agreed. Neither were ready to include Aunt Cass into their current feud. Besides she looked so happy at the thought of them all going out and spending time together as a family, that they just didn't have the heart to disappoint her.

They finished breakfast and Hiro left to meet with the rest of the gang. Varian however stayed to help with the cafe as promised.

"You know," Aunt Cass said while they washed up the morning dishes together. "I know it's only been a month, but I want you to know that we're all so glad to have you here. It hasn't been the easiest thing in the world readjusting, I know, but things are really working out; you're making friends, you and Hiro are really coming together here lately, and most of all you make our family just a little bit bigger and a whole lot happier just by being here."

She placed a loving hand on his shoulder, and Varian felt his heart drop at those worlds. He still didn't feel like he fit in here with the Hamadas and his relationship with Hiro had only degraded over this past week, which was already rocky enough to begin with. But Aunt Cass was so loving and hopeful that Varian only felt guilty for not measuring up to her ideals.

He gave her a small smile but deep down he couldn't wait to get out of here and back to another party. One where no one really knew who he was nor cared. Where he could drown out his intrusive thoughts and self doubt with a stiff drink.

"He went to the frat party?" Honey Lemon asked in worry.

                                                 --------------------------

Hiro was with the rest their friends at Joe's Dinner, recounting his argument with Varian last night.

"And you're sure he'd been drinking?" Gogo also asked with a frown.

"He said so himself and he smelt like beer when he came in." Hiro confirmed.

Gogo's eyes narrowed but she didn't say anything further.

"So what did you do?" Wasabi asked.

"Nothing. I..I wasn't sure how to tell Aunt Cass." Hiro looked around at his group of friends who were all giving him judgemental stares. "Look, I was still in my armor, alright. It was past midnight, and Varian had a point when he said that he covered for us all the time."

"You mean he covered for you ." Fred pointed out. "You're the one hiding your superheroing from Aunt Cass."

Hiro heaved a sigh, but Wasabi added his own opinion before he could offer up a defense. "You should have told her. Both about the drinking and about you being in big hero six. She's going to find out someday anyways and the longer you put it off the worst it's going to be."

Hiro cast his eyes downward unable to come up with a retort to that.

"Where's Varian now?" Gogo asked.

"Working at the Lucky Cat and after that he's going to another party."

"Another one?" Honey Lemon interjected.

"Someone he met at the other party invited him to go dancing tonight. He convinced Aunt Cass that it was just innocent birthday party." Hiro explained.

Everyone exchanged worried looks.

"You need to tell Aunt Cass." Gogo insisted.

"No, wait." Hiro pleaded. "Look, maybe we can handle this ourselves. Varian won't listen to me, but he might listen to all of you. Then there'd be no reason to involve Aunt Cass in any of this."

"And if he doesn't listen?" Fred asked.

"Hiro, why are you so against just letting an adult handle this?" Wasabi added.

"Look, Tadashi would go after him. He'd be there to help and try to reason with him, not be a snitch."

Hiro's explanation only elected more worried glances.

"And did it ever occur to you that Tadashi wasn't always in the right?" Gogo asked.

"What do you mean?" Hiro asked with trepidation.

Gogo sighed, "Look, we all miss Tadashi. He was a wonderful person… but that doesn't mean didn't make mistakes. Just because he kept trying to bail you out of those bot fights himself doesn't mean he should have."

Hiro had no words for that. Never in a million years would he have questioned Tadashi's methods. If it wasn't for his brother he would still have been bot fighting, and would have either been hurt or in juvie right now if not for trying to reach out to him.

He searched Gogo's eyes questioningly before she heaved a sigh in frustration and relented. "Fine. Where is this party?"

"I don't know. We'll probably have to just follow him; catch him before he gets there."

"Then I propose we suit up." Fred said. "To the headquarters!"

                                                --------------------------

Varian stood in line to get into Monroe's with Carol and the rest of her friends. He'd had rushed to find Jessica a birthday card and a small gift and met them all at the restaurant right around nine. Only the restaurant, wasn't a restaurant, it was called a 'club' instead. There was still food and drink to be had, but the real reason folks came here was to dance, and Varian could hear the loud thumping music even from where he stood outside.  

"Must be a really popular place." He shouted to Carol over the music and other party goers. "I don't see how we'll be able to dance with such a crowd."

Carol laughed "Yeah, Monroe's like the hottest spot in town. But there'll be room, the line just makes it look more crowded than it is."

Varian looked up ahead and spotted a large man at the front of the line. People were handing him cards or flashing their wallets towards him. Upon inspecting the cards he would then let them in through the door.

"What's he doing?" Varian asked.

Carol looked at him in surprise. "Checking I.D. They don't let you into the club unless you can prove your 21. That way they don't have to check everybody who wants to buy a drink inside."

Varian's heart stopped. No one here knew his actual age he realized. At the last party it didn't seem to matter so he hadn't brought it up, but here he'd be found out and no doubt made to look the fool all because he didn't meet some abritay requirement.

"I...I don't think they'll let me in then." Varian admitted to the girl.

"Why not?"

"Well, I haven't a license yet, and.." Varian was going to admit the truth but Carol interrupted.

"Oh, cause you just moved here." She nodded her head as if she had just figured out his problem. "Well you have some other sort of ID don't you? A passport or a visa?"

"Yeah I have both those things, but you don't understand.."

Carol placed a hand on his chest to stop him. "Don't worry boo. We got you. We'll make sure you get in." She gave him a smile and a wink.

"Wouldn't be first time we snuck someone in." Jake put in.

"It wouldn't?"

Jessica laughed. "You think we're all 21 one? I mean I am, it's my birthday, but I wasn't always. Besides it's a dumb law anyways."

"If you're old enough to vote and join the army, you should be old enough to drink." Another one of Carol's friends, Daryl, interceded.

Everyone in the group seemed to be in agreement with this sentiment and Varian relaxed just a little bit. Though only a little. He wasn't necessarily voting age either.

"There's no age laws in Corona. Everybody drinks." Varian added.

"That's right, Europe doesn't have the same laws as we do." Carol said as if only just now considering the difference.

"I went to Germany once." Mary said; she was Daryl's girlfriend. "I was in high school and was able to get into a bar no problem. They just don't care over there."

"I'd love to visit Europe someday." Carol said, changing the subject. "I think Ireland would be a cool place to visit."

"I'd like to see Spain." Jessica threw her opinion in. "Would you take me see Spain baby?" She asked of Jake teasingly.

"Sure, if you got a couple of thousands of dollars lying around." Jake joked.

This elected more laughter from the small group of poor college students, and Varian's worry began to wane. Only to kick back up once they reached the front of the line. Panicked he dug into his pocket and pulled out the fake passport that Professor Granville had given him.

"What's this?" The bouncer at the door said incredulously.

"It's a passport." Carol said forcefully before Varian could answer. "Ain't you ever seen a passport before?"

"It's not even in English." The guard threw back annoyed and he flipped the booklet around to show off the I.D.

"Well of course not." Carol rolled her eyes. "It's in Russian. He's from Russia."

"Ok, prove it. Say hello in Russian." The bouncer clearly didn't believe them.

"Um.. privyet?" Varian answered hesitantly. It was a bit of a loaded question as there was more than one way to say hello in Russian, but Varian defaulted to the more informal greeting as it's what he and his dad would use most often.

The guard raised an eyebrow still not convinced.

"I also have my visa and college I.D. if you want that instead." Varian offered helpfully as he pulled out his wallet. He didn't think it'd be enough to let him in but better to be cooperative then to start a fight.

Just then Daryl from behind them yelled, "Hey, what's the hold up!?"

The bouncer took a look at the long line spiraling behind them and rolled his eyes while heaving a frustrated sigh. He didn't have time for this. "Fine." He said as he handed back the passport. "Go on in."

"Thanks." Varian mumbled as he took the I.D. back. He couldn't believe that had just worked.

"Yeah!" Carol added and then stopped to ask Varian in a whisper. "Uh, how do you say thanks in Russian?"

"Spasibo." Varian replied.

"Yeah, Spasibo!" Carol called back to the security guard in very bad mispounation of the word before they headed into the club.

                                                --------------------------

"He's already left. We just missed him." Hiro said as he hung up the phone.

The gang huddled upon a rooftop across the street from the Lucky Cat. They had wanted to catch Varian while he was leaving, but it seemed like they were too late.

"Did your aunt say where he went?" Gogo asked.

"No, and I couldn't figure out a way to ask her without raising suspicion."

"Why not just call him instead?" Honey Lemon suggest. "Ask him himself where he's at and tell him we want to meet up."

"I doubt he'd want to talk to me" Hiro sighed.

"I'm on it." Wasabi said, but after several rings the call went to voicemail.

"Now what?" Fred asked.

"Looks like we'll just have to track him down the old fashioned way." Hiro said as he walked over to Baymax and mounted the robot. "Let's go."

Everyone dispersed to look for the wayward teen.

                                                --------------------------

"Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!" The merry group chanted as Varian and Jessica competed to see who could finish a whole pint of beer first. The others having given up the challenge before hand. They were neck and neck but the birthday girl sputtered with laughter at the last minute and Varian scored the win. He slammed the empty mug on the the table with a wide grin as the rest of the gang applauded.

"Ok, you win," Jessica conceded. "But beer is easy. I'd like to see you try that with some hard stuff, like whiskey or tequila."

"I don't know what tequila is, but your on!" Varian shouted over the den of noise.

The club was dark and smoky, with the only light coming from the flashing strobe globe twirling above the dance floor. Music blared a thumping beat that resonated in your chest and patrons crowded around to dance, drink, and make out. The little group had taken up a small round table off in the corner so as the better hear each other talk, but even then one had to half yell to be heard.

"Hey, can we get some shots over here?" Jake called to a waitress, then he turned to Varian and said, "Okay, you wanna play? We'll do a round of shots. Most down the hatch wins. Loser pays for the drinks."

"Deal" Varian agreed.

The waitress brought a tray of shots and Varian eyed the small glasses smugly. You could down one in a single gulp. This would be easy he thought. Only to nearly lose with the first sip alone. Whatever this tequila was, it was stronger than either ale or wine and burned the back of his throat as it went down. He finished the drink and tried to suppress a cough.

"Not as easy as you thought it was, hun?" Jake smiled as he picked up his second glass.

Varian however was not one to give up easily, and besides he really didn't want to blow through all of his hard earned money in one night. So he steeled himself and grabbed another shot, and then a another, and another.

On the fourth shot Varian saw Jake starting to slow, his face becoming red from alcohol. Varian too was becoming lightheaded but he pressed on and nabbed his fifth drink. He didn't notice if Jake had drunk his fifth yet or not, he was too focused on winning, but as he reached for the sixth he heard the other guy call out defeat.

"Okay, okay! You win!"

Varian flashed a grin and drunk the sixth anyway in celebration; just to rub it into other college kid's face. This last glass he also slammed hard upon the table in victory as the tiny crowd around him cheered.

Jake pulled out his wallet to pay the tab, both annoyed and begrudgingly impressed that he had lost.

"You're like the scrawniest guy alive; where do you put it all?" Daryl asked incredulously.

Varian shrugged his shoulders as he had no real answer to give.

"Well let's take a break from the booze for a while." Carol interceeded. "I mean we came here to dance after all. That is if you boys can still stand after all that."

She tugged on Varian's sleeve and pulled him to the dance floor and the rest of group followed after them.

Varian stood in the middle of the floor at a lost of what to do. He wasn't a bad dancer persay, but he didn't know any American steps and he doubted any of the more traditional folk dances that he knew would fit with this type of music.

"So..how does this dance go?" He shouted Carol above the music.

She laughed, "Anyway you want it to. Just feel the music." She swayed her hips in time to the beat to give him an idea.

Varian figured he would look silly doing that, it was clearly more of a move for women, but he did see most of the men jumping up and down and so he tried this in time with the music.  

"Yeah, that's right! You got it!" Carol encouraged as she slid closer to him.

"Any luck?" Gogo asked Hiro as the gang gathered on top of a building in the middle of downtown.  

Embolden, he grabbed her hand and gave her a twirl. This enlightened more laughter and they both broke down into giggles before carrying on with their dance.

                                                --------------------------

"Baymax found an energy reading similar to Varian's close by, but it's fuzzy. He's probably in one of the buildings around here, but there's like eight or more clubs just on this street." Hiro explained.

"Well we can probably go in and check while you can stay out here and keep an eye on things." Honey Lemon suggested.

"Yeah, but there's no guarantee they'd let any of us in either." Fred pointed out."None of us are over 21."

"Look maybe we're over reacting here?" Wasabi offered optimistically. "What makes you think Varian could of snuck into any of these places? The kid still looks like he's twelve and he doesn't even have a driver license. Or it could even be that he was telling the truth about it being an innocent birthday par...."

He paused mid-thought as they heard a familiar laugh coming from the street below.

"I have found Varian." Baymax said, stating the obvious as they all peered over the roof to see their friend drunkenly walk out of one of the clubs across the street. He was with a short girl with a dark curly afro and they were giggling over something as they made their way towards the bus stop nearby.

"Or he could be stumbling out of a bar with a drunk girl hanging on his arm." Wasabi corrected himself, clearly disappointed.

Honey Lemon frowned. "I know her...she's in the sorority at SFAI."

"Carol." Gogo confirmed. She had been dragged to the occasional makeup party there, by Honey Lemon herself no less. "But she's a freshman. No way she's old enough to be drinking either."

"Peer pressure can often persuade people into partaking in unsafe activities." Baymax stated as he launched into his health education protocols. "If someone is pressuring you into doing something that you don't feel is safe; say no and walk away..."

"Uh, yes, Baymax. We know." Hiro informed the robot.

"So do we go down there now to talk to him, ooorrrr..." Fred asked, but the arrival of the bus answered for him. Varian and the girl boarded the public transport before anyone could to do anything.

They all exchanged worried and exasperated looks with each other before taking off to follow the tram.

Varian stood in the middle of the bus holding on to one of the center poles. He and Carol were the only two occupants aboard besides the driver, and he could have sat down anywhere, but he was beginning to feel woozy from all the alcohol and standing upright helped to keep him balanced.

                                                --------------------------

Carol however decided to sit down. She sat across from him with her face in the palm of her hand and her eyes sleepily staring out at nothing in particular.

"Do you have to work tomorrow too?" She asked suddenly, breaking the quiet.

"Uh..not sure. Probably. I usually work weekends. Either way though, I know my aunt has been talking about us all spending some 'quality family time' together all weekend long."

Carol smiled. "Responsible, family man, a great dancer, it's a wonder you're still single."

Varian blushed but laughed off her comment. "Responsible? Me? Yeah, no…..but family does mean a lot to me and I did promise Aunt Cass, soooo, sorry I had to bail out early again. But you know, you could have stayed at the party without me."

Carol shrugged. "Eh, I was about done anyways. The guys are fun to hang out with and all, but after awhile you start to feel like a fifth wheel, ya know?"

"Yeah, I know how that feels like." Varian agreed dryly.

"But you do know you didn't have to escort me home right?" Carol added with a laugh.

"I know, I just, I wanted to make sure you got home safe."

"Ever the true gentlemen, hun?"

Her smile grew wider and Varian couldn't tell if she was teasing or flirting. He rubbed the back of his head self-consciously. He was beginning to like this new girl, but he wasn't always the best at picking up social cues and he didn't want to ruin anything by being presumptuous.

"Well, I don't know about that, but looking out for one another is just what friends do, right?"

Carol looked surprised by that comment. "I..I guess…I have a hard time picturing Jake or Daryl doing anything so chivalrous through."

She snickered at that, but Varian tilted his head in confusion.  

"But I thought you guys were friends?"

"Oh don't get me wrong, they're good people and all, it's just all we do is hang out at parties sometimes. I don't expect them to like loan me money or come and bail me out of the slammer or anything. We ain't that close."

She sounded nonchalant but Varian nevertheless grew concerned.

"Then who is?" He asked.

Carol was caught off guard by that question.

"Who do you call when you need help?" He clarified.

She opened her mouth to answer, but no sound came out and she just as quickly closed it again. They awkwardly stared at each other for a few moments before the bus came to a stop in front of the SFAI campus. Carol quickly got up and hurried off the tram. Varian rushed after her.

"I'm sorry! Did I say something wrong?"

She didn't answer him but instead started to storm up the front porch steps in front of the sorority house.

"Look, I didn't mean to offend you." He called after. "I..I just…"

He trailed off and she paused on the stair. She didn't turn to face him, but the very fact that she was no longer running away encouraged him to try again.

"Look, I just, I know what it's like to be on your own, and I know how hard it is to move someplace where you don't really know anybody and nothings familiar and you don't feel like you always fit in. I.. I just meant that if you ever needed someone, for anything, you could call me...you know, if..if you wanted to.. that is."

She finally turned to look at him with that admission. There was a pout on her face and tears threatened to spill from her eyes, but she tried to make a joke instead to distract from this.

"You know most folks don't talk like you do." She half heartedly laughed. "You sound like a character out of a cheap rom-com."

He offered her a small smile. "Eh, well, what can I say? I am Russian remember."

They broke down into soft giggles at that.

"You wanna come inside and grab a coffee?" She asked after there laughter had subsided.

"Oh, I'd love to, buuuut it's after one. I should probably get going soon." He declined.

"Well alright, but you have my number, so don't be a stranger." She said before giving him a wink and another of her charming smiles.

She waved him goodbye before heading inside. Varian waved back and then turned to leave, only to be confronted by the rest of his friends waiting for him at the bus stop.

They were dressed in their armor and stood there glaring at him sternly.

"Hey...guys.." Varian slowly said, confused as to why they were here."What's going on?"

"We could ask you the same thing." Gogo replied.

"Uh...well, I'm heading home from a party, soooo..." He made to leave, fully ready to just walk to the next stop instead of hanging around for yet another argument, but Wasabi placed a hand on his shoulder to stop him.

"Do have any idea what an incredibly stupid thing you just did today?" His friend asked.

Varian cast him an angry pout and back-peddled away defensively. He stumbled a little, still feeling tipsy from the tequila, but righted himself before falling.

"You can barely even stand up." Wasabi admonish, further driving home his point.

Varian huffed in frustration and threw an accusing glare at Hiro. He was getting really tired of everyone judging him and he rightly guessed that the other boy had dragged their other friends into this. However before he could respond, Gogo laid into him instead.

"You broke your promise."

Varian's stomach dropped as he realized that, yes, he had indeed went back on his word about not trying to purchase alcohol. Yet, he still wasn't ready to admit fault. Who were they to act so high and mighty? It was just a few drinks? It wasn't like he had hurt anybody.

"So what's it to you?" He threw back."It's not like what I do affects any of you. Me going to a party now and then doesn't harm anyone."

"B..but you could get hurt." Honey Lemon timidly said.

Varian looked at her confused. What did she mean hurt? It was just a party.

"You snuck into a club at sixteen with bunch of strangers." Fred explained. "Like that's just ain't safe, man."

"Fred's right," Wasabi added, "anything could have happened to you in there and we wouldn't have known."

And for the first time, Varian started to actually feel guilty as he realized just how worried his friends were for him. However his defensiveness kicked back up when Hiro added his two cents.

"You need to stop and think about what you're doing first. You can't just keep jumping into situations without…"

" Oh knock it off!" Varian interrupted. "I am sick and and tired of everyone telling me what I can and can't do! I've been on my own since I was fourteen! I know how to take care of myself, alright!"

"No you don't." Gogo pushed back. "You know how to survive, and I hate that you had to, but that's not the same thing as actually being mature. Now just stop and come with us; we're taking you home."

She reached out to grab hold of Varian's sleeve and to pull him along, but Varian wouldn't comply. He wasn't entirely sure what happened next, in his addled state, but she pulled in one direction and he tugged his arm away in another. Either her blades rolled out from under her or he didn't realize his own strength, but either way Gogo wound up lying flat on the ground after their struggle.

Everyone froze in shock and Varian felt his heart race as his anger turned into alarm and shame.

"Gogo!" Honey Lemon rushed to her friend's side to help her up. "Are you alright?"

Gogo refused the help however. Instead she gave Varian a hurtful and angry glare as she picked herself off the ground. His breath shallowed as he waited for her to go off again, but all she did was shake her head at him, turned around, and then skated away.

That was somehow even worse than a lecture.

Honey Lemon followed after her.

"Dude, what is wrong with you!?" Hiro reprimanded and all Varian could do was look at him with wide eyes. What was wrong with him?

"I...I...I don't know!" He choked." I just...I just wanted to forget… just for a little awhile. Forget that I'm...I'm.. b-broken."

"And how does this help?" Wasabi asked, and Varian had no answer.

"Look, I know you've been through some really messed up stuff." Wasabi continued. "More than most people ever will, and I'm sorry you had to go through that, but you can't keep on like this." He sighed in defeat. "Come and gets us when your ready to actually deal with things." And then he too turned and started to walk off.

Fred cast worried glances between Varian and the direction of where their friends were leaving, unsure of what to do. Ultimately, he too turned away and reluctantly made after the rest of the group.

Varian could hardly see through the tears now. They were leaving him. Everyone was leaving him. They always did at some point, and here he had dared to hope things might just be different in this new world. Yet, he had no one to blame but himself.

That's when he noticed Hiro and Baymax still standing there, watching him disquitedly.

"Well, aren't you going to leave too?" He asked accusingly.

Hiro took a moment to find the answer, but when he did he said, "Why should I? We're going to the same place, remember." He held out a hand to Varian. "Come on, Aunt Cass is waiting."

Varian blinked through his tears to see Hiro standing before him with his arm outstretched and a look of concern on his face. Varian's breath quickened and his vision swam. He had felt lightheaded all night and now the added stress of the recent fight only seemed to highlight just how drunk he really was. He was so sure he had been careful, that he hadn't really had that much, but that didn't stop the ground from rushing up to meet him as he fell, nor the darkness enclosing around him as he fainted dead away.

[imagine-loki]

Atlas: Space, Mars

TITLE: Atlas: Space

CHAPTER NO./ONE-SHOT: 6/12

AUTHOR: fanfictrashdump

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine narrating episodes of Loki’s life with the Avengers based on the songs from Sleeping At Last’s “Atlas: Space” album. 

RATING: T-M

NOTES/WARNINGS: Welcome to my Sleeping At Last’s Atlas: Space challenge, aka Another writing project I do not have time for, but my brain insisted on doing.

This series will be less like a multichapter fic and more of a one-shot compendium, but that they all interconnect in one way or another. It will revolve around Loki and Becca’s relationship (Taking Turns, Glow, Helmet Heists–don’t worry, more Loki-Charlie stuff will be along) and I will use those one-shots as reference to the timeline. Each chapter will be one song, used as inspiration for the story.

Chapter 6: Mars

Summary: Loki and Becca had already determined (thoroughly) that they were more than just friends (Taking Turns). Loki’s affectionate side lands them both in hot water.

Warnings include: Language, wounds, blood, near-death experiences. Loki instantly regretting being soft and then just being softer. Fluff. Tony is a dad. 

=

We laid our names to rest Along the dotted line We left our date of birth And our history behind

On most days, Loki did not mind having to work with the Avengers. He lived in relative peace, with plenty of books and trinkets to occupy his time. People gave him his space, and did not pressure him to participate in any of their silly bonding activities (though he would be lying if he said that he did like the idea that he was invited, nowadays). He would also be lying if he did not admit that part of his current contentedness was not due to the fact his bed was being semi-consistently warmed by a lovely mortal that treated him like… like he was just another person on their team? There was no awe-inspired gasp at meeting him, no worry that he might crack at any moment and murder them in cold blood.

Becca doted on him, to be sure. It constantly astounded him to feel the gentleness she treated him with–though she treated everyone gently, if a little sarcastic. But, sometimes, there was a special smile or a squeeze of his arm and the carefully constructed wall of apathy around him cracked, holes formed. Through those holes, Loki knew Rebecca saw fondness, even gentleness. She was the one person he didn’t mind seeing that. He was able to let his guard down, if only in private and ask for the soft things he wanted.

So, no, he did not mind working with the Avengers.

But he shouldn’t have let his guard down so easily.

We were full of life We could barely hold it in We were amateurs at war Strangers to suffering

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

This mess was all his fucking fault.

He hadn’t mean for this to happen. All he wanted was to give them both a moment of respite within the chaos of the battle. An instant where neither of them were running under a hail of bullets or smudging their hands with the dark elixir of other people’s blood. All he had wanted was to make the roaring around them quiet, just for a second. It had just been a stupid kiss.

Loki had been drafted into an intelligence mission. When he stepped into the Quinjet that morning, he had been expecting a short flight and an even shorter rendezvous around a facility to tinker with a computer or two until he had a neat little cache of facts to bring back. He had been pleasantly surprised, when he climbed in through the hold doors. Rebecca was strapped in to a seat tinkering with a small rectangular instrument that he could not identify with a set of tiny screwdrivers.

We made our families proud But scared at the same time We promised we’d be safe Another lie from the front lines

Glancing shortly around at the other two agents in the jet, he quietly slipped into the seat beside her. Becca barely glanced to the side before the ghost of a smile tugged at her lips.

“I thought we agreed not to take missions together,” he husked into her ear, eyes still weary of the other occupants. While they had agreed to that rule, as well as not revealing the nature of their relationship to the team, it had not been Loki to set the stipulations. “Are you not afraid of being caught out with the big, bad wolf, little lamb?”

Becca’s hands stilled. “Call me little lamb again, popsicle. I dare you!” He fought the urge to guffaw. She did not like to be thought of as small and soft, and she wasn’t, but liked teasing her.

“You were the one to say you didn’t want to go out in fights with me,” he reminded. The fingers of his left hand were tracing a gentle circle over her right hip, nearest him. He smirked as she idly shifted into his touch, almost as if in reflex. “For safety,” he scoffed sardonically.

“Wasn’t my call. Tony wanted you to have back-up in case their security protocols were harder to crack than you could handle.” His lips brushed the edge of her jaw. “Loki.”

“They’re not watching.” He chuckled at her concerned voice, but moved away, settling back into his seat with a princely pose. “And you're–”

With a sigh, she dropped her project and turned to face him. “And I am?” She was attempting to look aggravated, but a bat of his blue eyes was more than enough to bring a flood of red to her cheeks.

“Enchanting.” His voice, merely a whisper, rang like a gong in her ears. Something inside Loki had cracked ever since she freed him of his tub-sized ice prison. There was a vulnerability he had been too scared to display, and had so been shoved into the recesses of his soul, that now burst forth. He was so fantastically soft, delicate in his treatment, yet there was a confidence to him. Playfulness. He hadn’t felt this idiotically free since he was a young lad. “Besides, you know how it makes me feel when I see you being clever.”

Becca laughed, despite herself. “Jeez, Loki. Cool it with the nerd kink.”

“I can hardly help how attractive I find your mind. Or the stirring it causes,” he quipped back, grin stretching widely at the flush of her face alone.

“For right now, I need you to focus on your mission and not whatever filthy fantasies you’re conjuring. Got it?”

“Very well. Nothing but the mission until I get you alone, once more.”

The small taskforce took to the winding hallways of an underground bunker. They were quiet–stepping lightly, dealing with bogeys as silently as possible, ghosts. Loki was the only one who could get them into the particular location they needed to access. Teleportation, it seemed, a skill that had been mocked as cowardly in the past, was very practical.

At the end of a hallway was an armored door. The two agents that had accompanied them split into adjacent corridors to funnel threats away from the server room. Rebecca was to stay at the door until the moment that Loki needed her, if it even came to that. She nodded at the Asgardian and took a knee in front of the door, lifting a long rifle flush against her shoulder and taking aim. Loki breathed deep, letting his eyes draw closed before he blipped out of existence.

Inside the room, he sat at one of the terminals, with a frown. As a general rule, he disliked computers. They were finnicky, and they often didn’t do tasks exactly as he had asked them. Rebecca, on the other hand, could bend them to her will. More often than not, he would sit in dumb, slack-jawed wonder as her fingers flew over the keyboard, making sense of chaos. He didn’t know exactly how she made those strings of zeroes and ones become fantastic tools of espionage, but she did it, regardless.

He was much slower and only half as clever.

Still, he plugged in the USB Becca had handed him earlier, and began tapping away. It was a tiered process. Every little bit built upon the last, a little like a symphony. If he tried hard enough, he could almost make the monotonous keystrokes sound like the ethereal music his mother loved or the gentle relaxing melodies that Becca preferred to relax to.

“Progress check.”

“You’re going to have to be a little more patient with me, kitten. I’m not as skilled as you,” he retorted, momentarily typing one-handed to answer his comms. “Unless you’re here to whisper dirty things in my ear. In which case, go right ahead.”

“Mission, Loki.”

“I can multitask. I’m not Thor,” he sassed back, though his typing did increase in speed. Over the comms, there was the dull thud of bullets. It wasn’t any of theirs, as they were under strict orders to use silencers. “Rebecca?”

“Loki, I’m going to need you to hurry up, OK? I’ll give you more time.” Her voice was barely a whisper, but he could make out the strain of her aim and the ricochet that knocked the wind out of her.

With a noise of agreement, he bent over the keyboard and doubled his efforts, hoping his concentration wouldn’t leave him until he was ready to leave that room. Worry was gnawing at his chest. Though the sound of guns had diminished, he wondered how long they had until the next wave of attackers was to hit. That same worry lectured him about the very same reasons Rebecca had for not going out into the field together. It was damn near impossible to concentrate when he actually gave a damn for the person watching his back.

“Progress check?”

“Almost done. One more level to crack and I’ll start downloading,” he got out through gritted teeth. Just as he finished his sentence, he clacked the Return key one more time and the clever coding inside the USB starting sorting through the computer files and stealing information. With a flourish, he stood from his post and unlatched the door. Becca started at the sound and turned with a frown on her face. “It’s downloading. You might as well sit inside.”

“Jet had to scramble. They’re circling back in twenty.”

Loki smirked. “So, you’re saying we have twenty minutes?”

Becca glared, resting the rifle on the floor by her leg. “Not the time nor the place, you doofus.”

“Come on! I just cracked through several levels of security protocols, just like you taught me. Don’t I deserve a reward?” He pouted, giving her wide puppy-dog eyes that he knew Becca had a hard time saying no to. “Not even a kiss?”

“I hate you.” Her voice held little conviction.

“No, you don’t.” He riposted, and he truly believed it. Almost reluctantly, she cleared the few steps until she could meet Loki. Their lips brushed together gently. It was like they were shy about coming together and sharing a small intimate moment, even though neither was apprehensive of showing affection. The computer dinged just as they pulled apart. “Just in time. One moment, dearest.”

Our backs against the wall We’re surrounded and afraid Our lives now in the hands Of the soldiers taking aim

He turned towards the terminal and retrieved his device. The sound of shuffling caught his attention before it did Rebecca’s. When he turned, three different people in black uniforms and masks had rushed in. Becca sprang for her rifle, forgotten on the floor a few steps back, only to stop as a gun was cocked and pointed at her head.

Loki pulled his daggers with a flicker of his hands and held them aloft. The second he took a step, though, the gun against Rebecca’s temple was nudged. “No! No. Don’t shoot,” he sputtered, feeling the sentiment foreign on his tongue. He hadn’t cared for anyone enough to plead for their safety.

“Put them down!”

Clenching his jaw, he made a show of lowering his daggers to the floor and kicking them away, raising his empty hands to prove he was unarmed. “Please, take your weapon off of her.”

“Shut up!”

“Just… she is of no consequence. Let her go,” he growled, eyes hard like thunder. Becca was stock still, a bead of sweat running down her forehead and wincing at the cold steel pressed against her head. “I am the one stealing from you, she's–”

“Loki, be quiet, for fuck’s sake!” Becca yelled. One of the men grabbed a handful of her hair and pulled head back until she had buckled onto her knees.

“There’s other agents. At least twenty in the building. I could take you to all of them–”

“Loki!”

“–just let her go free.”

The clap of a gun rang through the small room and Becca’s screams bounced off of the armored walls. Her left thigh was bleeding over her black suit and he could tell she was struggling to control her emotions, lest she break down crying right then and there.

“Next one goes in her skull if you don’t shut up.”

Our questions ricochet Like broken satellites: How our bodies, born to heal Become so prone to die?

Loki’s eyes darkened, breath leaving his chest with the last of his pacifist resolve. Magic swirled within him and in the blink of an eye several copies of himself filled the room. The chaos that followed was blinding and blurry. Guns went off, and blows were exchanged. Clones stabbed at men in dark suits as they came by the droves to bring he and Becca down. Loki took satisfaction in burying his blade deep into their bellies and ripping them to shreds. Becca had managed to grab a pistol and was taking down her fair-share as well.

When the dust settled, Becca was slumped against a tower of drives. There was much more blood on the floor than was warranted for her injury and she was trying to weakly plug the wound with her hands.

“Are you alright?” Loki asked, breathlessly, climbing over bodies to get to her.

“I think it nicked my artery, Loki,” she slurred. Ripping a piece of his cape off, he tied off the wound as tightly as he possibly could and pulled her into his arms. He didn’t care where the other two agents were at the moment, he only cared about getting her back home.

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

“How much longer?”

“Twenty five minutes, sir,” the other agent called back. Becca had soaked through the tourniquet he had made and was bordering on delirious from blood loss.

Fuck. This was his fault. He shouldn’t have deviated from their plan. He didn’t have to let her in and distract them both while in enemy territory. It was a rookie mistake, he knew. He had been in battle for thousands of years. How could he have been so stupid? What was his insistence in showing her intimacy?

Why was she so pale?

“Come on, Becca. Focus on me, please.” He whispered, tracing her cheekbones with his thumbs and trying to hold back the tears filling his eyes. “Tell me a story, will you?”

She smiled weakly. “Once upon a time, you were an idiot and got me shot,” she whispered back with a giggle. “Fuck, it hurts so much.”

“I am sorry. I am so sorry, Rebecca,” he chanted, over and over. “Stay with me.”

Though time is ruthless It showed us kindness in the end By slowing down enough A second chance to make amends As life replayed, we heard a voice proclaim: “Lay your weapons down! They’re calling off the war On account of losing track Of what we’re fighting for”

The second the jet had touched down, Loki had gathered Becca into his arms and ran. He barely understood where he was going, but his panic-addled body apparently knew exactly where to go. When he rushed into the medical rooms, Bruce nearly jumped out of his seat to rush towards them.

“What happened?”

“She was shot. The bullet is still lodged in her thigh, but she thinks it nicked the artery,” he spilled, tripping over words as he put her down. “She’s bled through four tourniquets on the ride over.”

Tony had come in, startled out of his lab by the ruckus. He took one look at Becca, pale and sickly looking rather than her caramel-skinned, effervescent self and nearly fainted. Loki was still at her bedside while Bruce and a handful of medical assistants buzzed around her. “Loki, come on. Let them work.”

“I–Stark–she won’t stop bleeding,” Loki choked out, his grip turning white on her hand. Tears were dripping down his face and he didn’t care who was there to witness it. Nothing mattered if she died because of his carelessness.

“I know, but you need to let them work, Lokes.” Tony placed his hands on Loki’s shoulders, forcefully tugging him back. This was the first time he realized just how strong Loki was, as his wiry, tall frame barely moved at Tony’s insistence. He might as well have been a tree rooted to the spot. “Loki. Come on, buddy, we gotta move.”

“She’s still bleeding. I can’t leave her.”

“Look at–look at me!” Loki reluctantly parted his gaze to face Stark. “You’re not a doctor and you’re not a healer. The only thing you can do is let Bruce work his magic and wait until she’s in clear, OK?”

After a moment, Loki nodded and let himself be carted away from the bed.

So we found our way back home Let our cuts and bruises heal While a brand-new war began One that no one else could feel

Tony had managed to wrangle Loki into some armchairs just outside the medical facility and handed Loki a bottle of water and a couple of pills.

“What’s this?”

“Painkiller for the shiner you got and a sedative.” With a frown, Loki raised his hand to his face and pressed onto his right cheekbone, feeling a sharp ache at the action. Shock had kept him from feeling the brunt of what must have been plentiful injuries. “So, what happened?” Loki didn’t answer, kicking back the pills and swallowing them dry. “You get distracted?”

“Distracted? What would I get distracted with?” Loki scoffed, and his stomach turned immediately. The lie tasted bitter on his tongue and Stark gave him a look that told him that he knew Loki was lying. “Why did you send her, then? To prove a point?”

“I sent her because she’s the best and because I hoped you had more sense than to let her presence derail you from a task!”

“It was a mistake!”

“That much is obvious!” Tony roared back. He stepped back, forcing himself to take a deep breath before continuing. “Look, I get it. She makes you feel good, but you can’t just drop what you’re doing while behind enemy lines just because you realized she’s pretty. You’re tough as nails, and can survive the Hulk. She can’t.”

“Do you think I haven’t thought of that every second since I pulled her into the jet? It was my fault! I distracted her! She let her guard down and she might… she might–”

“She’s not going to die. Banner’s going to get her stabilized and she’ll recover enough to give you grief for this for the rest of her days. More importantly, I haven’t given her permission to die, so I don’t think she can legally do that.” Loki chuckled drily, rolling his eyes at Stark’s attempt at humor. It was odd to be comforted by the man who used to want him dead, who said he could trust Loki just about as far as he could throw him. “Your girl is as tough as nails. This isn’t what’s going to take her out.”

“She’s not my girl–”

“You’re right. God knows the only reason you’re together is because she allows it.” Tony did a double-take at Loki’s flushed face and impressive fish-out-of-water impression. “What? Did you think you were a secret? You put in more hours in my lab than Becca does. Who the hell waits for their girlfriend to get to work? Have some dignity!”

Loki scoffed. “What I meant to say was that, perhaps, we shouldn’t be together. I can’t bear the thought of getting her killed because of sentimentality. She's… she’s my best friend and I care for her. I can't…”

Our nights have grown so long Now we beg for sound advice “Let the brokenness be felt ’Til you reach the other side There is goodness in the heart Of every broken man Who comes right up to the edge Of losing everything he has”

Tony put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it encouragingly. “Let yourself feel this way–the pain, the grief, the anger. Let it seep into every last bit of you until you’re sure it’ll destroy you. And then use that feeling as fuel so that it never happens again. Feel this mistake so hard that you never want to make it again. Just letting her go isn’t gonna do that.”

We were young enough to sign Along the dotted line

Now we’re young enough to try To build a better life

Loki stared at Stark for a long minute. He thought of Pepper and the million and one headaches and heartbreaks Tony had put her through and the fact that she remained at his side. Pepper was stronger than Tony could ever hope to be, just as Becca was stronger than him. Pepper was Tony’s moral compass. Becca didn’t complete Loki in that way, but rather allowed him to explore areas of himself that had been ignored. She was personified kindness and easiness. She didn’t stress or worry herself sick, as he did. She was just a light that he had refused to turn on long ago.

“Hey, guys,” Bruce said quietly, interrupting the other two’s staring competition. “Bullet’s out and I got the bleeding under control. She should be fine.”

Tony nodded and patted Loki on the shoulder before retrieving his hand. “Is she sleeping?”

“No, she’s a little keyed up. The sedative hasn’t done much and I’m maxed out. I was hoping Loki could do some hocus pocus on her.”

Loki stared at Tony for a moment more before nodding and slipping into the ward behind Banner. Becca’s eyes were as big as dinner plates and she was practically vibrating in place. Her fidgeting settled a bit when Loki took a seat on her bedside. His fingers dug in to brush her hair back, gently scraping at her scalp and he felt her melt into his touch.

“I’m so sorry.” Bruce covered his noise of surprise with a cough, making Becca laugh. He moved from the chair to the space beside her on the bed. “I swear this to be the last time you come to harm because of my recklessness. I promise you I will take care–”

“I’m not angry, Loki. Settle down.” She fished away a tear making its way down his cheek. “This wasn’t your fault. I knew it was a bad idea. I did it, anyway. Let’s just make it a rule–no kissing on the field.”

“You still want to kiss me?” There was genuine surprise in his voice.

“Do you think I would end our relationship because you were affectionate at an inopportune moment?” When he merely broke away his gaze, rather than respond, she sighed. “You mean more to me than that.” He stilled for a long moment before his fingers resumed their scratching. Becca blinked heavily.

“Sleep, my love. I’ll be here to kiss you when you wake.”

[laminy]

Idk why but I'm in need for some hurt/comfort so can I ask for a snippet where Ben finds a picture of Roger and he sees how similar they look and becomes incredibly insecure like he thinks Gwil is only with him bc he reminds Gwil of Roger, so Gwil tells him all the ways they're different and how he loves what makes Ben different? (And thank you in advanced! You're an amazing person + writer and I hope you're safe wherever you are!)

(thank you very much for your kind words! and to everyone, this takes place closer to the beginning of Ben and Gwil’s relationship, back in London— current Ben is very happy and secure, and I don’t want to add new angst to his life anymore)

Gwil gives Ben a quick kiss and then pushes himself up out of the bed. Ben yawns and stretches out a bit under the blankets, watching Gwil walk out of the room, heading towards the bathroom. He smiles a bit, enjoying the view, and then he tiredly rubs his eyes as he looks absent-mindedly around Gwil’s bedroom. Gwil still doesn’t have much, even though he’s been in this flat for a couple weeks now. Ben looks at Gwil’s bookshelf, smiling at all the books he’s collected since being back— Ben’s never known anyone who owns almost exclusively science non-fiction books. Sometimes he grabs one and flips through it, but despite having worked for the IIS, astrophysics really isn’t Ben’s thing. Or biology.

Ben sighs softly, shifting under the blankets. Gwil’s old photo of him and Roger together sits on top of the bookshelf, and Ben glances towards the door. He pushes the blankets off and climbs out of bed, walking over to the bookshelf, picking up the photo. He smiles at how happy they look together, and he sits back down on the edge of the mattress.

He knows that Gwil and Roger met at university, studying biology. Roger probably understood everything Gwil talks about, the things that sort of make Ben’s eyes glaze over a bit. And from what he knows about Roger, he doesn’t seem the shy type. Ben pulls at his t-shirt, making sure it hasn’t ridden up.

Ben swallows hard, making a bit of a face. He hasn’t felt his best lately; it comes and goes sometimes, just like anything else. The shirt didn’t come off last night. Gwil never sounds like he has a problem with it, but Ben wonders sometimes. If Roger was so smart, and had so much in common with Gwil, and wasn’t so…whatever Ben is, then why would Gwil go from Roger to him? Ben’s stomach twists a bit when he looks back at Roger, his light hair, his bright smile.

Ben’s thumb goes up to his mouth, and then he looks over when he hears Gwil at the doorway again.

“What’ve you got there?” Gwil asks, walking over to him. “Oh,” he says, smiling faintly. “That was in Cardiff, I don’t know if I ever said.”

“It’s lovely,” Ben says softly, handing the frame over to Gwil. “I was just…admiring him.”

“Oh,” Gwil says, looking at the photo.

“He was handsome,” Ben says, and Gwil looks up at him.

“Uh, yes,” Gwil nods, and he stands up, walking over to the bookshelf, setting the photo back down. “He was.”

“And blond,” Ben says, and Gwil glances back at him.

“Yes,” Gwil says, nodding.

“You have a type,” Ben says, and Gwil frowns.

“I,” Gwil shakes his head, “not really, no.”

“No?”

Gwil shakes his head again. “Well, yes, you’re both blond, but that— that’s not why I love you.”

“Why do you love me?” Ben asks.

“What did you say?” Gwil asks.

Ben looks down, and shakes his head. “Nothing,” he says. “I…” He swallows hard, tugging at his shirt again. “I didn’t mean it.”

Gwil walks over to him, crouching down in front of him. “Ben, love, are you alright?”

“I’m not feeling well,” Ben says quietly.

“No, I don’t think you are,” Gwil says. “I— why do I love you? Is that what you really asked me? What in— what is going on?”

“Nothing,” Ben says, shaking his head, “I just…” He shifts on the mattress, and he looks back over at the photo, and Gwil raises his hand to gently turn Ben’s face back to him. “Roger studied biology.”

Gwil nods. “Yes,” he says.

“He just,” Ben sighs, “he wasn’t…it just seems like the two of you had a lot in common.”

“I like to think so, yes,” Gwil says.

“You and I don’t,” Ben says.

Gwil’s mouth opens a bit, thinking before he answers. “Uh, maybe not as much, no. But that doesn’t mean anything. I certainly enjoy being with you.”

“Because I look like him?” Ben asks.

“No,” Gwil says, and he pushes himself up, shaking his head. “No. Not— no.”

Ben looks down again, shaking his head. “I’m sorry,” he says softly, and his voice breaks a bit, shoulders starting to shake. “I need to email my therapist,” he says, mostly to himself, sniffling.

Gwil swallows hard, leaning back against the wall, watching Ben softly cry. Part of him wants to be upset, angry or offended that Ben would even ask if— if Gwil was so shallow that he’d— because they both have blond hair? Gwil wants to scream. But he also knows that that’s not what this is, this is about Ben, and his past, and Gwil should have known something was wrong. “Love,” he starts gently, but Ben just sniffles, shaking his head.

“No,” Ben says, “I know I’m wrong, I’m sorry I said it. I just— it was all I could think, and I’m not feeling well, and I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize for that,” Gwil says, and he steps towards Ben again. He wonders if Ben wants him near him right now, or if he shouldn’t touch him. He settles on sitting at the floor at Ben’s feet, resting back against the bed, looking up at him. “Ben,” he says, “do you really…ask yourself that? Why I love you?”

“Not usually, no,” Ben says. “It’s just been a bad—” He shrugs. He wants to say last few years, but he doesn’t.

“Did something trigger it?” Gwil asks, and Ben shakes his head.

“Just happens.”

Gwil turns, pressing a kiss to Ben’s leg, smiling faintly as he nuzzles against him. “Yes,” he says, “Roger and I both studied biology. But that’s not why I loved him. And yes, you and Roger share a— I can’t even say a passing resemblance,” he says. “You’re both blond, that’s…there were times I would see you, before I really knew you, and I would think of Roger, but that’s not why I love you.” He looks up at Ben, seeing his tear-stained cheeks, and he smiles sadly. “You’re smarter than you’ve ever realized. You have a good heart. You’re selfless, and loving. You make me laugh. Spending my time with you makes me so happy.”

Ben doesn’t say anything, just swallows hard, his hand up by his mouth, chewing on his thumb.

“I love you because I had no other choice but to fall in love with you,” Gwil says. “Everyone who knows you, really knows you, loves you.” He laughs to himself. “I like to think that Joe and I love you a little differently, but it’s for the same reasons. You’re a good person, Ben. And deserving of love. I’m sorry you don’t always see that.” He sighs, running his hand up and down Ben’s leg. “You remind me of Roger because you’re both good, kind people.” He pushes himself up, and leans in, gently taking Ben’s head in his hands, kissing his forehead. “It’s got nothing to do with hair colour, love. Just a coincidence.” He swallows, and then steps back from Ben. “I’m going to start on breakfast. Do you want anything?”

Ben just looks over at Gwil, twisting his fingers together anxiously.

“Ben?” Gwil asks gently. “Do you need me to get anything for you?”

Ben shakes his head, and reaches up to wipe at his face. “I love you,” he says softly.

Gwil smiles. “I love you too.”

“I’m sorry I don’t always feel my best,” Ben says, and Gwil shakes his head. “I hope you know that I still love you, even when I say dumb things like…that.”

“It’s not dumb,” Gwil says, “and of course I do.” He holds his hand out to him. “Do you want to come watch while I cook? I know it’s one of your favourite things.”

Ben laughs softly, then sniffles, wiping at his face again. “Give me a second?” he says. “I just need to send an email.”

“Of course, love,” Gwil says, dropping his hand. “I’ll just be out there, you know where to find me.”

Ben nods. “Thank you.”

“Alright,” Gwil says, and he taps on the doorframe a couple times as he walks out of his bedroom.

Ben watches Gwil for a few moments before he sighs, looking back down. He nods slowly, thinking about Gwil’s words, and he can’t help but smile. Even though he doesn’t feel his best about himself, he still feels loved. He’ll just have to keep work on feeling that way about himself.