#being poor I can't be a doctor like I wanted and felt so disconnected when I realized my dream will just die

[monostardust]

Me whenever I'm asked why I really took Psychology

Ahem it's definitely not because Hannibal changed my brain chemistry ehem definitely not. I've always wanted to dissect the human mind of course it didn't actually topple over coz of Hannibal.

[kdramajunkie-101]

Let me preface by saying, I am not trying to justify any of Do Kyung's actions. This is simply an analysis on his character. Yes, he's done bad things and should face the consequences. With that being said, I hate how his mental health is being handled in the drama. Not the way it's written per se but how a few characters handle it.

His Dad

Literally, all of what Do Kyung is facing right now stemmed from how he was brought up. Having to be perfect at everything and putting on a facade for the cameras. His dad showed NO interest in him beyond his "offerings." An example being: "Is he good enough to be my heir?,"is he good enough to commit such a crime?" He has also had to prove himself in his own family, and that can cause a person's psyche to become altered and disrupted. His dad, to me, is also a victim, and I'll expound later in Chairwoman Jo's paragraph.  Him calling Do Kyung a monster is quite ironic as well. Who could've created such a monster, I wonder? Let me guys know if you ever come up with an answer.

His Mom

She's a victim as well. She's very submissive and lacks agency. Her helplessness and naivety are actually quite scary as this makes her a tool that the father can use at any time. Her scene in the prison where she visited Do Kyung actually had me tearing up. That was what led me to even start writing this. Just her one statement, "You disobeyed your dad." That just showed how she herself can't do anything without approval from the dad. I don't even think she realizes the damage she's done to the poor child. Her also just moving on with her life after seeing her son breaking down in front of her just goes again to show how disconnected she really is. And even at the funeral, she looked like she had so much to say, but she just wasn't able to. Her entire marriage, all she's known, is serving her husband and being a "good wife." Of course, nothing else will come before that. Not even her son.

Do Kyung

Do Kyung making such a choice is understandable, to say the least. As someone who has struggled with mental health. Such a method has always been seen as the way out. Notice I didn't say easy. Because such a choice is NEVER easy. Poor guy wasn't even being treated while he was locked up in prison. Everyone putting the blame on him for EVERYTHING was so unnecessary and unfair as well. He was a jerk, evil, and downright nasty, but no one with mental health issues should be placed in such an environment.  Especially without proper medication and care.

This is dedicated to the worst character of the show in MY OPINION.

His Doctor

Ohhhhh I was fuming when he called him a psycho. I was so annoyed. Do Kyung was a patient. He was actively seeking help in an environment that ostracized mental health issues. Yes, he may not have been the nicest or taken his medication all the time, but he was still trying. He was doing the best he could in an environment that wouldn't allow for much growth. And for someone whom he was supposed to trust and tell his entire life to say something like that was just downright nasty. No matter if he was a psycho or not. If the doctor had felt that he was a threat, then he should've reported him to the necessary authorities. Disrespecting a patient is never the right thing to do. I was so elated when Do Kyung beat his a** up. Leapt from my chair in joy.

Final Character

Chairwoman Jo

This is kinda hmmm. Like I think everything that we're seeing and all the characters in the Noh family all have their respective issues due to her. In a flashback, we could see that she treated Suk Min similarly to how he treated Do Kyung. Talk about generational trauma. Of course, Suk Min would've replicated what he was taught. In this specific scene, she was talking about sending Suk Min to prison for a crime he had committed because he had gotten away with "too much." This literally shows that she had been sweeping all of his wrongs under the rug as she wanted someone picture perfect to take over her beloved company. Suk Min was never enough for her, similarly to how Do Kyung wasn't enough for him. She didn't care much for them.

I think that she saw an opportunity to right ALL her wrongs through Do Hee. Do Hee to her was a new slate. All the things she did with Suk Min and Su Ahn could've been "erased" by raising Do Hee in a less restrictive way. As she was able to do all this, she decided to give Do Hee the company. I think that was very wrong. Of course, Suk Min didn't create the company, and it isn't "his" looking from it at a more Western perspective. As Chairwoman Jo built it from the ground up, however, she had Suk Min training ALL his life with only one thought in mind. Him owning the company and carrying on her legacy. And for her to throw such a curve ball, of course, he'd be upset and pissed off. This is not me justifying all the rubbish he's done, though. I'm just saying I would be very upset if I were in his position. As such, I think Chairwoman Jo is kinda the biggest villain in a sense. Because all these "monsters" were created through her training and teachings. Plus, episode 12 ending kinda proved me right in a sense.

So that is that. My little two cents on a few characters and why I think Do Kyung isn't the biggest of villains. Poor kid needed love, and that wasn't given to him. Still, he was disgusting jerk, but he needed love. If he was given that care and affection, maybe he would've been different. If Suk Min, his dad was given more love and care and approval, maybe he would've been different as well.

[fragilelittlething]

[LONG POST]

TW: Dissociation, suicide

DEPERSONALIZATION DEREALIZATION DISORDER

#1

When I first found out the name of the state I was in, I was terrified. Sure it was comforting to know there's a name and not only me experiences it. But it didn't mean I would gladly welcome and accept that I may have this disorder. I got scared because I knew what it felt and I didn't want to live with it every day.

But here I am, after four months of denial and forgetting about this disorder, I stumbled upon it again the other day. When I found an online community, I was relieved. However, I realized mine might be more worse than many. And that's the root of my fear, the cause of my surrender.

One day, I'll be gone. While I can still keep my sane state, I'll try my best to write down/record my experience for my fellow prisons of their mind and medical researchers who would use my experience for their study. I hope that this little information would reach people and make the other sufferers feel a bit comfort even for a short period of time.

BACKGROUND

My name is [redacted] and I'm [redacted] years old. I identify myself as female. I hate introducing myself because I don't connect with it. A few hours ago, someone asked my name unexpectedly (irl) and when I told him what it was, it felt like saying an ordinary word.

I live in a poor corrupt country where mental health is not a priority, is expensive, and difficult to access. Therefore, I wouldn't wait a thousand years searching for a doctor before telling myself "Hey, you have DPDR." The kind psychiatrist only said I have clinical depression. To be fair, I didn't tell her that I don't feel real because you know, I didn't believe I have DPDR at the time. Not to mention, many practitioners don't even acknowledge its existence. What more in a poor country. I've been living in a disconnected state for months and even memories of my life since I acquired this mental illness were blurry. I'm still hoping I get a proper medication and treatment but right now, it seems nowhere near possible. Most likely, death will come first. Hopefully, this month.

THE FEELING

I've described it a thousand times in my head and on my notes app that's why I also hate doing it all over again. I have too many questions about this disorder and even I wanted to share everything that may have caused this to develop in my personality, I feel like I can't. If I get enough engagement though, I might feel willing to share.

Right now, I'm not fully disconnected. Most of the time, I'm 40% in touch with reality. The constant feeling is that I'm not real. That nothing makes sense. Here are the list of the feelings I feel every day/sometimes (as far as I can recall): (I wouldn't elaborate them in vivid details because it's mentally draining.)

I feel dead. Obviously, when you don't feel your memories and emotions, there's also that feeling of emptiness and absence of self. I cried so hard when I realized I didn't have it.

I'm just a nameless entity. No connection with my name and memories. I hate my memories when I was normal because it reminds me of what I lost and probably never get back.

I feel like floating.

There was a rare moment that I felt like my body was melting.

I could never concentrate in the moment the same way like a normal person does.

Once I was reading a book, it was difficult to understand it when you thought the letters were just meaningless characters inked on a paper. And my vision would distort my hand holding the book.

I experience mild weird sensations in my head. One time my head felt it was being split apart.

I have weak to zero sense of time. I'd forget the time gap between the previous action I did and the current time as if waking up from a dream you barely remember. It happens when I'm lying on the bed.

I'm trapped in my head. There's the real me inside my head who holds all the logic, memories, and emotions that I have. Now, I'm just a shell of it who could not perform like a normal human being. Every day feels like I'm being reborn, or reincarnated. I still remember my past but seems like I'm a new person and those memories are not mine but a stranger's.

I can't recognize people. I know them but I don't feel them.

I have no interest in the future.

HOW IT'S AFFECTING ME/IT HAS AFFECTED ME

Lots of suicidal thoughts (vivid images)

Severe depressive symptoms

Unhealthy eating/starving myself

Isolation from people

I'm dumber now and more forgetful

Locking myself in my room

Not using my phone

Just crying (endless)

Irrational/intrusive thoughts

Insufficient communication with "friends"

Poor performance in uni (considering dropping out now but it's another depressing story personally, maybe next time)

Talking to myself (I have no one else to talk to)

Despising reality

Social anxiety

Feeling alienated. Or not human.

Loss of talent and creativity

Wasting time doing nothing

Trouble sleeping

Learning was a chore

ETC. ETC.

Some of these have not been happening in a while or not as severe as it used to. Not sure if it's an improvement because I always go back to the main issue of this disorder: not feeling real or present. I actually feel like I have given up that I'd recover. Seems really impossible. I will never have a normal life. I won't achieve my dreams. The future is something I don't want to think about. It doesn't feel like it exists. Maybe I don't exist. I'm thinking of cutting all my ties with all the people I've known because I couldn't accept this. I couldn't swallow that this is going to be my life every day. Same shit EVERY DAY.

Next post I'll be talking about the real me and the life I've imagined I would have. The community lessened my suicidal ideas but I'm still dead. I can't recognize myself anymore is few of the sentences I always whisper to myself.

THE ART

I made that one really quickly so I can have a picture in my post and it represents the symptoms of DPDR. No I wouldn't explain them. You understand it. I know that. Great thing that I was able to draw something again (especially an original artwork). I've been immobilized for so long. And I've been keeping it to myself. So difficult to find people who will believe me and accept me. Fuck. Even my dreams feel more real than reality itself. Better to be trapped in there and not here, in the reality but dreaming.

###

I'm new to this community because I've ignored I possibly have the disorder for so long. If you have a Discord server for people with DPDR, please reply with the link or send it to me through private message. I want to join. Or if there's none, I'll create one if I see enough people who can join it. (I have a feeling the psych ward is waiting for me. I'm defeated. Why do I feel like all of this isn't real? Nothing is real.)

Anyway, I can't change my avatar or header because Tumblr wouldn't allow me (even using my laptop, I can't!) so attaching my artwork makes me more credible at least.

Kindly PM me if you're going to use this artwork in your blog/articles. DON'T USE IT WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.

If someone wants to support my art journey so I can earn money and feel that I'm real by participating in money transactions in the capitalist world, please motivate me. I do hope this post reaches the right people because I don't trust the reality now.

[maskyartist]

How did Raz die in Franken-Raz AU?

throwin this in a read more just for my own comfort. nothin BAD happens but its talk of child death so i feel like it should be censored in some way.

Raz, unfortunately, died at 3 years old. an honest mistake, but one that didn't make things easier. the Aquatos ARE cursed to die in water, after all. someone shouldve kept an eye on the kid as he waddled his lil way over to the shore. someone shouldve followed him out to that dock at the lake. but little Razputin wasn't about to be stopped. he saw the waving hand and he wanted to see it up close.

it was Dion who spotted the scene, watching his little brother get yanked off the dock and pulled into the water. he didn't think, he just screamed for his baby brother and ran in, diving into the lake with little fear of whatever curse could get him as long as he could save his baby brother.

thankfully, Dion wasn't swallowed by the water. instead he managed to pull his brother from the grasp of the hands and paddle his way to the surface, and eventually, shore.

but..children are children. they're not the best at holding their breath, especially under extreme distress like that. Raz ended up breathing in a lot of water, and as such...the curse did as it was supposed to do.

it killed an Aquato.

the family was heartbroken, utterly distraught. they were too far from a city to find a doctor in hopes of somehow performing a miracle to bring him back. no amount of cpr or chest pumping was gonna fix this. it was hopeless.

....yknow, Psychic energy is interesting. it can do practically anything if you really, REALLY put your mind to it.

even if you're so emotionally distraught, you cant tell you activated your powers. even if you're so broken, you can't open your eyes as you hold your baby boy in your arms, surrounded by your children, your wife, your mother, and openly weep for the loss of what could've been and what once was.

Augustus didn't notice he did this. Dion didn't notice he did this. Frazie didn't notice she did this. and god knows Nona didn't notice she did this.

but somehow, in that moment, something clicked in the back of all their minds, and a surge of Psychic energy went right into Razputin's little body. and as the family begins to mourn-

before Raz suddenly flips over in his dad's arms and begins puking up as much water as he can, shaking and coughing up disgusting lake water that just makes the poor kid feel even worse.

Razputin managed to leave the lake alive (confirmed when Augustus felt his pulse thudding away), but very sick.

but it's not right. Razputin isn't right. not fully. even when he's not sick anymore, he's paler then he should be. his eyes don't hold that lively spark they used to have, and he barely registers pain. when a normal 5 year old twists their ankle, they cry. but Raz walked around with a limp like nothing was wrong.

basically, the only thing keeping Razputin alive is an UNGODLY amount of Psychic energy from his family (including Dion cause its my house my rules). so he's alive, the Psychic power is keeping his heart going and everything working, but if that power was suddenly disconnected from him he'd crumple like a ragdoll and just...stop being alive.

kinda like a battery. take it out and the machine stops working. take out the Psychic from Raz and the Raz stops working.

does it make SENSE? no. do i CARE? not really. i just think this would be fun :D