#been touched by her can just be left behind like an insignificant speck of gore on the ground and i can get up. made entirely anew
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#today on slightly concerning hinderr thoughts hidden in the tags of blank posts is; what if i'd deserved it#like. yknow. every bit of it. everything. i may not have earnt it back then but what if the things id done since and will do in the future#even out the scales and then i cant allow myself to stay the victim any more. what if ill make myself deserve it in the future. yknow#i laugh like my father and i draw like her and when i sit down and listen to any song thats slightly sad im reliving it all over again like#i cant put it down. i cant put it down. i keep picking it up and letting it pierce me through the chest again#took a uquiz earlier and it was the real poetic type yknow? one of the questions was 'where does it hurt?'#there wasnt an answer for 'my chest'. there wasnt an answer that accurately describes the tightness. that claustrophobic feeling like its#hard to breathe. like im miles beneath the ocean's surface. so what i chose instead was everywhere. and its-#this is a very irrational fear i realise. but. alas. here i am#god i want to say all i want is for someone to look at me the way id looked at her but i dont think i can withstand having all that#tenderness directed at me. oh god. is that how itd been for her too#i want to hate. i want to hate. i want to put this down and let it go#i want to tear my skin off my body and let my muscles and sinews breathe. i want to bleed out on the ground until every part of me thatd#been touched by her can just be left behind like an insignificant speck of gore on the ground and i can get up. made entirely anew#and for the love of fucking god finally let it go
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