#been deep in my 'hate my finished work' mines but its mostly bc of illness

[vhvrs]

ricks ill probably redraw when i feel less like i was hit by a brick

[mochi-peaches]

i need to complain about my uni some more i found out so much shit today i am honestly so tired and i’m so glad i’m graduating this place is hell on earth

okay so... my uni is shitty in general right? i’ve had a lot... a LOT... of issues here... i haven’t done a conventional route for an undergrad what i did was i did a 2 year foundation degree [fda] and then came here to do my 3rd year, but i decided to go into the second year because i didn’t feel like i’d learnt enough on my fda, and there were modules i thought looked really interesting [for example... an exchange programme... which i’ll get to in a moment] so i went into the 2nd year as opposed to the 3rd [my mum went batshit at me but that’s another story sjdnjdvncd]

okay so!!! when i started there september 2016 AND i thought it was gonna be great... i’d moved to the city and i was living with a friend of mine + 8 other people [that was fucking awful i’m still kinda traumatised from that experience so this year i’ve lived by myself it was THAT bad] and it was easy for me to move to the 2nd year and everything and one of the lecturers who’s head of the course right he helped me sort out seeing a counsellor [that’s a mess], sorting DSA [disabled students allowance bc i’d been diagnosed with depression & anxiety] and a few other things and it was fine!!! i was managing to go to class almost every day despite shit happening in the module we did where the group i was working in we had to have THREE!!!! meetings with the aforementioned head of the course bc of how BADLY we were working together and that rly like... messed me up and i get anxious when there’s conflict so that made me kinda not wanna go to class etc. 

then they messed up my exchange and i ended up not going and that was a massive blow to my mental health i already wasn’t doing great for a bunch of other reasons :/ i got accepted into a really good uni in seoul that was hard to get into and i even got offered an EXTENDED exchange bc of how good they thought my grades were and yet my uni thought my grades were SHIT????? OKAY! 

then in december 2016 i got so bad to the point i tried to kill myself once and planned it at least twice more :// and my uni was aware of it and they’re SUPPOSED to intervene and didn’t lmao i was seeing a mental health worker on campus because, to quote the counsellor i saw TWICE, “my issues were too complex and deep rooted to be dealt” and then went and saw the mh worker she was lovely :(( but i was so fucking bad at that point i literally... didn’t care lmao and was too anxious to even leave my room [i’m like that now too] my uni IGNORED ME for over 6 MONTHS being aware that i’d been suicidal???? then sent letters about my attendance bc i barely attended uni for like 3~ish months from december-march time... and were threatening to kick me out which lead to this first ‘support meeting’ but the documents i got sent insinuated i was gonna be kicked out of the course regardless of the fact i was getting good grades????

i had that meeting in like may 2017? and they were discussing like whether i should be allowed to attend this summer school in shanghai that i went on [i did but i had a suicidal moment whilst out there bc of the stuff that had happened back here]... i got the notes back from the meeting and... wow. just wow. one part was insinuating i was a danger to other students and staff because i’d had suicidal tendencies. and they just went on and on about the well being and safety of other people completely disregarding... the fact... i wanted to die and had attempted that... like that alone to me is complete bullshit. there’s some other stuff as well but idk if i should say it’s supposed to be confidential wdojfnefdc i might expose it once i leave here tho bc it’s appalling????

like they ignored me after i had attempted suicide and it was a uni issue bc i’m in THEIR care and they were AWARE of VARIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES YET THEY WERE JUST LIKE NAH LET’S BLAME HER MAKE HER FEEL WORSE!!!!

so september 2017 comes around the summer i’d taken time to myself to recover etc and i had another one of those meetings, where i was told if i was ‘refusing’ to engage i would be kicked out or forced to defer and finish my degree at a later date. i was supposed to meet my lecturer every 2 weeks, and my mental health worker every two weeks. that happened for october and then!!!! my lecturer had a research trip for a month and never bothered to contact me like he promised, AND my mental health worker cancelled my appointments 3 times and i got an email to inform me she was sick and i would be contacted when she was back etc and i never got the email back...

i’ve been fine for the most part since then but of course personal things have happened that have made me have my moments and in december... with jonghyun... especially when it was the year anniversary of me like... being like that myself... i made a promise to him to try and graduate and not get like that ever again and mostly it’s been fine but... i’m still depressed and anxious etc it’s a long term thing i’ve dealt with but... it’s the fact my uni makes promises to take care of its students and then... has turned around to me and made me feel so unwelcome and stuff??? saying i’m dangerous to other people BECAUSE i’m mentally ill????? that’s not fucking okay????

and today i’ve found out SO much bullshit like they have favourite students, they refuse to mark stuff properly because they don’t want to influence the national average etc and other shitty excuses. AND THE FUCKING WORST.... RIGHT I STUDY PHOTOGRAPHY, SO YOU WOULD ASSUME... THAT THAT PHOTOGRAPHS WOULD BE CONSIDERED AS PART OF MARKING... APPARENTLY THEY DON’T REALLY MARK THEM :)))) LIKE???? SURELY.... SEEING... AS IT’S PHOTOGRAPHY.......THEY WOULD CONSIDER THAT AS PART OF MARKS......... BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

i’m honestly fuming i hate this place so much i wish i’d never come here or done my fda through them either LMAO

[survivoremathia]

Ep. 15 - "I REFUSE to be Wentworth'd" - Ali

JD

This puzzle really sucks and i like puzzles. It's going to be hard to fight with, might only get o e but i think i would have rather done the stairway to hell again, deep sigh. Never give up! Never surrender!! 

OWEN

Well that sucks lol. I'm a little peeved bc I don't really understand why idols could only be used until six if these things can still be used at five? I don't see the point unless it was just to make us think other stuff couldn't be used? Idk! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ im not the host so I guess I don't have to understand! This definitely makes things more difficult because I anticipate JD is going to beat me in immunity. I was playing just to finish it for personal reasons not necessarily to win immunity and now wow! So if JD wins then I guess Ill vote for Lydia and I need to tell JD that im doing that too to at least force a tie or something. And then next round would tie as well. Great!!!!!! I guess we will see what happens but lmao idk! Fun

ALI

Welp. That F6 vote? Did NOT go to plan. Gosh darn Owen! Why do you not want to follow my agenda? Why wont you just do things that'll benefit me and screw you over! :) It was the right move for him though, I should've handled that idol play much better. I could've saved Logan grr. I am SO pleased that they beat their survivor record, but I'm disappointed, as I feel like he was caught in the crossfire of people targetting me. Now, its time to fight. I've just gotta think 'Never Give In, Never Give Up, Never Surrender'. I will FIGHT for my place at the F3.

-

Developments. I am now in the Final Four! Whewwwwww! :) It was a bumpy ride though, weh. Like last night, I played the ring. Me and JD has discussed it somewhat beforehand, but I couldn't get ahold of her and had to go with my gut and play it. I just had to think W.W.J.D. (What would Jay-sus do). Now that Owen has won immunity, I feel like my dream F3 has been dismantled :/ Like Logan is gone, which I'm so sad about and I'm so afraid JD will go next. She has been my number 1 since day 1 and I would hate for her to go :/ I have two plans now. 1) If JD goes, I have to aim to go F3 with Trydia. I don't think Lydia gets many votes, as those who'd vote her, would vote for Trevor and I could present myself as the opposite to Trevor, as a strong social threat (Trevor has burnt some bridges) 2) If JD stays, I aim for a JD + Lydia F3. If I can pull that off, that'd be amazing whew. But, I've made F4 which is truly truly phenomenal! :)

OWEN

I CSNT remember when I last made a confessional but I'm yay I did the puzzle!!! It was worth it to stay up all night and do it bc if JD had gotten immunity with ali's stupid final five power or whatever that would have been not good!!!!! Wow. Anyways I want to vote out JD and then hopefully I can win the next immunity too and send out Ali. A final three of me Lydia and Trevor would be good idk we will see! I lowkey think I have a pretty good case to beat Ali so Idk if something weird happens I guess I could vote for Lydia with Ali and Trevor and Lydia would vote for me and I'd do a tiebreaker against Lydia. But hopefully I can just beat him at immunity anyways. Also for some reason apparently Ali told Lydia that JD has an idol?? I don't think it's true but idk. Legit if JD has some idol that can be use this round when all of the others could only be used last round I'm not doin it anymore like I'd walk in a heartbeat if that happened bc it makes literal zero sense. The hosts aren't bad and it would literally be awful and pointless and djdjdj Idk! Idk. That's why I don't think it's true. Y'all know better than that and Ali is just reaching. Like if literally everything in the game had to be used by f6 besides a ring that jd-Ali had and an idol they had I would probably die that is the most riggt thing I can imagine. So I'm not really afraid of this "idol" but nice try Ali I guess

ALI

Well, I made F4 WHEWWWWWW! Its hugely dampened by JD going however. I need to do this for her now. My allies have fallen, but I'm still fighting! Its been such a bumpy ride, my dream F3 has disintegrated, everyone wants be gone, the other three in the F3 are a final three, but I'm still fighting! 

-

Yikes. The issue with me saying 'Owen more like no win' is that Owen literally wins at F3? I think Trydia are so decided on getting me out, that I might need to win immunity and force their hand. I think I may've made some headway with Lydia, but that might be her pretending that. The issue is, to persuade them, I have to degrade my own game and thus, I need to prepare my counter-arguments, in case I'm blessed with a place at F3. I may've given the ammo to load their guns, but I have cannons aimed right at them too! For a F3, right now, I'd vote Owen over Trevor and then Trevor over Lydia. But, I have different arguments for each of them. In my opinion, the best option for each of them (the vote I can most likely persuade them on), is that Lydia should vote off Trevor, but I'll try and convince Owen as plan B, and Trowen should vote one another (dunno how likely that'll be! :)). I dunno, I'll try and find a way! :)

OWEN

I feel pretty good about this challenge. Mostly all I have for right now is work tomorrow and like an escape room thing for my friend but if I can get a super good lead tonight then I shouldn't have to worry too much about tomorrow. I really feel like I probably need to win it though. It's easy for Lydia to decide I'm a bigger threat than Ali and clock me. Plus, if Ali wins then idk what I'll do! This challenge doesn't seem like Lydia or Trevor's forte so hopefully I can pull it off. It's do or die time. And I'll worry about finals once I'm there, but for now I need to focus on this!

ALI

I REFUSE to be Wentworth'd. I need to win this challenge, so I need to beat Owen (the main threat). I am determined to dance, write a story, pose in a toga. ANYTHING I need to do to make it :)

-

I'm making some progress. I'm pitching a Trydia + Moi F3 to Trevor. I think that's his best shot. If I win the immunity, I'd probably get rid of Trevor, but if I don't have that luxury, I'll take any seat I can get! :)

OWEN

High key pissed I rushed home from work and paid for an uber and everything and then I like djdjdjdj only one task was posted the entire two hours I was actually there?? Sooo I CSNT do anymore I'm done for. Ali is gonna win. :\ sucks 

ALI

I AM DEAD. I... ACTUALLY WON. THIS CAN'T BE REAL. I CAN NOT BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING. Also, people that have been being super vague when it comes to the vote are FINALLY talking to me lmao! :) I wrote a short story about cockroaches for the challenge and it seems like we have three of them mwahahahaha :) I DON'T MEAN THAT REALLY. I love them three. Its been a bumpy ride, but I love all three of them! :) I AM IN THE FINAL THREE THOUGH. THIS IS INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE. (insane in the brain)

OWEN

So last night I tried to get both Trevor and Ali to vote for Lydia instead of me but after sleeping on it I'm content with my position in the game. I told Ali to just vote me out. I know it's kind of seen as giving up, but the only other option I have is tying with Trevor and doing a tiebreaker and I'm pretty sure I would beat him at it... I am an extremely competitive person. I don't give up. I fight until I win or I lose. But I think the journey I've had in this game is testament enough to the type of player I am. From the very first vote I've been in a position of control. I decided to vote Linus out. I decided to turn on Jay. The Matt vote was supposed to be someone else until I talked to the right people. I completely turned the target from Duncan to Sam at final nine, and at both final seven and six I was a deciding vote to go against Ryan and then Logan. I've made plenty of moves and navigated myself out of situations where my back was against the wall and I don't think anybody else in this game was able to do that. And I think if I tied with Trevor and beat him and went to the end with Ali and Lydia, I could win. It's right there for me. But it comes at the expense of someone else who I truly love and care about, and I can't do that. Coming into this game with Trevor I expected that it would turn into us against them and that one of us would be a causality along the way. Instead it's turned into a kind of personal struggle I think, whether it's me versus Trevor or me versus myself in a way. Trevor has played really well (maybe not as good as me hahahahaha @trevor :~) ) and it's tough because I am proud of him just like I'm proud of me. He always tries hard and he seems to come up short a lot of the time and it doesn't really thrill me to think that I could crush his chances when I know it means just as much to him as it means to me. We both want to win the game. But the difference is that I've been there before. I've won. And he hasn't. And so I've come to this conclusion that like.... I've won on my own terms before and I've had success and I've lost games because I was the biggest threat, but the one thing I haven't done is LOSE on my own terms as well, and I think this is a good way for me to give up something in order to benefit somebody that I care about who is equally deserving. This decision doesn't make me a bad player. It doesn't discredit the things I've PROVEN I could do. I manipulated most of the players here. I am proud of my game. Stepping down at the final four doesn't make me any worse of a player and it doesn't make this story of mine have a bad ending. If anything, it's a testament to the type of person I hope to be. I'm leaving 3-1 tonight and I want it to be that way because I am confident that this is how the story ends. And I've still got some manipulation left to do workin' that jury to vote for Trevor!!! :~) Thank you guys for a...UNIQUE experience. I had a lot of fun and it was refreshing to have some control in a game after the last couple I played went horribly out of my grasp. I love y'all!

ALI

Well, I would've wanted Trevor out tonight, but Lydia and Owen aren't gonna vote him grrr. I feel like if I pitch it right, I could (?) have a shot at this. My plan is to play up that I did well in all aspects. Competitions: Won the joint most, Trydia didn't win any Social: My social game is my strong suit, so I need to highlight that Strategic: Eddie/Ryan votes especially, generally involved in votes during middle to late merge. I'm so pumped to have made F3 though. Little old me, who'd have thunk it?

LYDIA

I was trying for like an hour Saturday night to convince Trevor to vote me out instead of Owen IF Ali won immunity.  I'm being forced to go to this ftc. I don't want too.  Here are the reasons why: 1) I'm so tired.  Half my inactivity is cause of my new job and ugh the idea of having to write like an opening, and read peoples shit and omg no thanks. 2) I'm scared of ftcs.  It's a deeply rooted fear, caused by getting my ass dragged over and over.   3) It'd be so much more interesting to see the three boys fight it out.  I'm not usually a menist, but I just feel like I'm emotionally checked out and am not gonna fight for it. 4) My resume is this game is a joke.  I mean I helped Trevor and Owen, and tried to get myself in a good spot to make moves, but kept getting fucked over. 5) I love to write a jury speech for all of these three boys cause I have very different but interesting relationships with them, and have lots of thoughts about their games that are never gonna be expressed.   Also I feel like it makes sense for Trevor to vote me out because it might split the Ali/Owen votes enough that maybe he could get majority.  I feel like this ftc won't even be a competition, which is cool I love Ali, but I also want a good ending so. Fuck it. 

ALI

I sorta wanna do a final wrap up of the jury, before the craziness of FTC, just based on my thoughts of playing with them. 1. Rob- I really regret not pushing for him to stay at his vote out. I think he's sweet and I hope we can stay in contact! :) 2. Isaac- Loved him. Wish we could've spoken more 3. Matt- Yikes! Really liked working with him, voting him out was purely a game move. Hope we can stay friends 4. David- Didn't especially talk to him, someone stole my 'robbed' line from the Rob vote in their vote for him :) 5. Sam-  SO sad when he went. Maybe my lowest point game wise/ when I felt most out of the loop. Loved meeting him. 6. Duncan- In some mid-merge confessionals, I said some things about him 'lacking socially'/ being patronizing or something. In reality, that was just my pride, being annoyed that he'd given me (correct) advice, on things I was doing wrong. In reality, he was being helpful, and I was just too proud to accept useful advice. I retract all that I said about him needing to improve socially! :) Really liked him too, hope we can stay in contact, when the pressures of the game are over. 7. Ryan - Tea Time with Ryan was, in hindsight, iconic. Loved forming a relationship with him, after he dragged the whole tribe. Can see the experience he has as a veteran player, and why he is so scary! 8. Logan- UGH. WHY DID HE HAVE TO GOOOOOO. I loved talking to him, after our rocky swap start, to the merge. So happy to see him beat his survivor record and he is in my top 3 favourites from this game! :) 9. JD- RIP. THOSE TWO VOTES WERE ROUGH. My dream F3 being shattered and my two favourites going home back to back was... no good. Really loved meeting her, wanna 10000000% stay in contact. I think, at one point, I said something too, about her not thinking strategy moves through. I take that back too, as it was me being reluctant to leave Trydia behind, and she was more ready than me (she was right) 10. Owen. Owen, who deserved to O-win. I still don't fully get why he wouldn't vote Trevor, when Trevor was voting him, but anywho. Loved talking to him too, and it was a shame he became such a threat woomph. Being in a F4 with a couple and a trio of best friends meant the F4 vote was kinda tricky!

LOGAN

I'm popping in for a cameo to say I love Jay