#because my dad is bald and insecure about it

[foxyatlas]

So anyways it's my mom's birthday today and after she left my dad wanted to surprise her by hanging up a poster of her favorite artist.

Except he didn't get a poster, he got a TAPESTRY, and her favorite artist is PITBULL. And I don't know if he purposefully got the most ironic tapestry he could find, but--

Some of the sayings on the poster, in case you can't read them: "Pitbull's been there, done that <3", "no drama please", "cute but deadly", "keep calm and pitbull on", and my favorite, "live laugh pitbull".

I am struggling.

It gets better. After my dad put it up, my dog IMMEDIATELY started barking and was VERY upset, and so my dad very calmly scooped him up, brought him to tapestry, and said "look, it's alright. It's not a cat. It's Pitbull. It's not a squirrel. Its Pitbull." And it fucking WORKED.

Anyways. Sometimes I go to my writing workshops and people are like "Wow based on your stories I feel like you must have a really dramatic family life" and I don't think this is what they mean by that but oh boy do I ever.

[transmascissues]

it's silly but the biggest reason why im not into t yet is bc im so afraid of losing my hair. do you have any solutions/tips for it?

first of all, i don’t think it’s silly — it’s natural to be worried when hair loss is talked about by so many people as like…one of the worst results of aging for men. listening to my dad talk about how much he hates balding definitely did not make me feel particularly good about the knowledge that i may very well be joining him someday. i’m not saying the fear is right, because i don’t think hair loss is something awful that we should avoid at all costs, but it’s an understandable fear given the beauty standards we’re working with, and it’s one that a lot of us (myself included) feel.

one thing that’s helped me is just…paying more attention to the guys that i interact with on a daily basis. i’ve learned two things from it: 1) hair loss is super fucking common. i’d say it’s much harder to find an adult man who isn’t balding at all than it is to find one who’s completely bald. and 2) if you forget everything you’ve been told about how bad hair loss is, you’ll realize that quite frankly, every single one of those guys looks totally fucking fine. it doesn’t ruin their appearance and make them ugly, it looks totally natural and isn’t really even something you’d notice if you weren’t looking for it. we put so much weight on it but it’s really just not that big of a deal. i’ll hear my parents talk shit about men in my family who are losing their hair when i didn’t even notice a difference last time i saw them. it’s one of those things (like so many other appearance-related things) that you really only notice at all because you’ve been taught that you’re supposed to care about it.

this isn’t something i’ve done personally, but if you really want to desensitize yourself to the idea of it, embrace the time-honored queer tradition of just shaving your whole damn head! find out what you’d look like without hair, find out how you feel about it and what you can do that makes you feel good about your appearance without hair, test the waters while it’s still a temporary change and not something permanent. that way, it won’t feel like this big scary unknown, and you’ll actually have a frame of reference for your feelings about how you look without hair rather than accepting the societal assumption that you’ll inevitably hate it. if you don’t want to actually shave your head, you could also just fuck around with bald filters or photoshop and see what happens.

oh, and if you’re attracted to men, keep an eye out for guys who are bald or balding and also hot as fuck. in my experience, there’s no insecurity or potential future insecurity that being gay for other men hasn’t helped me with. just off the top of my head, i can think of a couple actors who i think are absolutely fucking gorgeous who have helped me get over my fears about losing my hair. despite what our anti-aging-obsessed world might want you to think, there is no such thing as a physical feature that automatically makes someone less attractive, and while making attractiveness less of a priority in your life is good, it can’t hurt to also give yourself some proof that actually, you might lose your hair and look hot as hell doing it.

basically, entertain the possibility that it won’t be a bad thing at all! whether that’s just because it turns out to be a neutral thing for you or because you end up actually liking it, it’s not an inherently bad thing. i’ve ended up liking a lot of things that were “supposed to” be bad effects of t — i love the weight i’ve gained and the new shape it gives my body, i get a lot of gender euphoria from the fact that my acne is now on parts of my face that i saw a lot of guys in high school get it and i’m not complaining about the scars i get from it either because i’ve always liked the added texture that acne scars give my skin, and so on. i think there’s a lot of joy to be had in the changes we’re taught to fear, once we look past that conditioning and actually explore how we feel about it.

but if it’s something you really don’t want and you just want to improve your chances of not having to deal with it, it’s not like there’s nothing you can do! products like finasteride (oral) and minoxidil (usually topical but i think there might also be oral versions) are pretty commonly used among trans guys, for the purpose of avoiding hair loss and for other reasons, and there are plenty of other anti-hair loss products out there (though i don’t know how effective any one of them might be). if it’s a big enough deal for you, you can just decide that you’ll go off of t if/when you start noticing signs of it, since no longer having higher t levels would stop the process in its tracks. and if you don’t find prevention options that work for you so it ends up happening, you can always explore different hair styles (judging by the pattern of hair loss i see in my family, i suspect that keeping my hair long would make it less obvious if i started losing mine), find your preferred method of covering it when you don’t feel good about it (personally i love a good beanie generally and would probably wear them a lot more if i didn’t have hair to worry about because my main complaint is the way they press my hair onto my neck), or just shave it all off if you don’t like the look of the partial balding but don’t mind a shaved head. the point being — you have options!

at the end of the day, whether you go on t or not, you’re going to see your body change as you age in ways that aren’t always going to be attractive to others or aesthetically pleasing to you. that’s just the reality of having a body. even if you never went on t, you’d get older and you might see your hair thin out even if you don’t bald, you’ll see your skin start to wrinkle and sag in places that used to be smooth, your metabolism might slow or your body fat might start to gather in new places; hell, you might lose your hair for a totally different reason and end up in the same place but without the benefits of having been on t that whole time. life is full of bodily changes like that. transphobes will fearmonger about the permanent changes of testosterone all day long but the truth is, there is no escaping permanent bodily changes. whether or not you go on t, your body now isn’t the same as it will be in 1 or 5 or 10 or 20 or 50 years, just like it isn’t the same as it was at any point in your life before now. our bodies are never supposed to stop growing and aging and changing throughout our lives. there’s no guaranteeing that we’ll love every single change our bodies go through, but that’s okay! there are so many things in life that are more important than the way our bodies look. even if you go on t and lose your hair and don’t like how it looks, your life won’t be ruined; plenty of other things will bring you joy and more than make up for the insecurities.

just think about the gender euphoria and relief from dysphoria that t could give you. would losing your hair be bad enough to outweigh all of that? or is it just the pressure of a society that decided balding is bad that’s making you fear one single change despite how much joy you could have if you let that fear go? only you can decide if going on t is worth the potential downsides for you, but i suspect that for most of us, the benefits of going on t far outweigh the possibility of side effects like hair loss happening down the line.

[railingsofsorrow]

an apple doesn't fall far from the tree (until it does)

[spencer reid x reader]

summary: reader takes care of her daughter while she's sick and some memories of her childhood resurface.

pairing: s.reid x f!bau!reader

w.c: 2.2K

warnings/content: being neglected by a parent; reader has mommy issues & spencer has daddy issues; crying; discussions about a difficult childhood; insecurities; mentions of v*mit and fever (the flu symptoms); Eden Reid being everyone's source of joy; Spencer in glasses always; hurt/comfort; very brief (implied) suggestive content; spiders; I proofread this at 2am.

A/N: here's my entry for @imagining-in-the-margins kid fic challenge i was so sad that I didn't see this until after May 1 :( but here it is! absolutely love writing about dad!spencer. it's legit a source of inspiration.

navi

masterpost

cm masterlist

want to read more works about this au?

→ [recharging] - [day off]

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“No, it's the other way around.” You laugh when Eden places the egg shells inside the cake batter instead of the egg yolk.

“Oh,” she mumbles with parted lips. Then squirms away and giggles when you tickle her sides. You do manage to get most of the egg shells out of the batter. “Sorry, mamma.”

“It's okay, baby. Now what's next?”

She studies every material in the counter thoroughly, her fingers moving as she thinks it over. That's the moment you stop and stare fondly because of how much she resembles her father. Her hair had grown longer in the past few months, it's nearly past her shoulders and the honey brown curls are exactly like Spencer's.

“Sugar!” She raises her pointer finger, giving you an eager look, anxious to know if she's correct or wrong. You take a few seconds to build suspense and reveals the veredic. Eden jumps in the chair in excitement and you gasp, holding her in place so she wouldn't fall.

One of your favourite sounds in the whole word is Eden's laughter. It's contagious and childish and unforgettable. And a bit healing, if you're being honest. In case you're feeling a little down, making Eden giggle is the cure.

When you were called at the school by her teacher today because your daughter had threw up during class, you were finishing up the pile of paperwork in your desk. It took some convincing for Spencer not to immediately run to the school, but when he heard she had asked for you in the phonecall, he caved in. Giving you one condition: to send updates of Eden's wellbeing every hour so he could know how she was.

Your husband listed at least a thousand medications and natural medicine to help with the symptoms before you were able to leave the office.

Eden had the flu, that's what the doctor said. She needed rest, the strawberry flavoured syrup, the medication to avoid nausea and cuddles to heal faster.

Thankfully, she was laughing again by the afternoon, which meant she was feeling slightly better. You noticed her paleness diminished after taking the medication and having a good four-hour nap, her fever had also went down.

“Good girl,” you praise after she takes a spoon of her medication not hiding her grimace. “Now we wait for the cake to be ready so we can have a big bite.”

She nods dutifully, rubbing her eyes with her small hands. You recognise the sign of a sleepy child, so you scoop her up and take her to her bedroom.

Although, before you place her in bed with her stuffed friends, you decide to keep her in your arms for a while longer, mumbling a lullaby softly while rocking her to sleep. Almost like when she was a baby, the difference now is that she's bigger and not bald.

It doesn't take ten minutes for her soft snores to be heard. You put her to bed and leave the door ajar in case she needs you during the night. You would come check in on her every hour anyway, to make sure her fever wouldn't rise again.

There's this weird thing about being a parent: you never quit worrying. It's not exactly weird, it is, in your case, the maternal instinct that you can't avoid. It was there ever since Eden was born.

The reason why you find that odd is because you never had that. Not when you were a child, not when you were a rebel teenager, not as an adult. In fact, you were pretty convinced your mother's maternal instinct was nonexistent.

The only time you remember being held by your mom was when you cut your head when you fell down the stairs and you had to spend an entire night for observation. She held your hand as you slept the entire time, kissed your temple and then told you she loved you. She never did it again. Eden's grandmother wasn't maternal, she wasn't a fan of bedtime stories or mother and daughter times.

But she takes Eden to school and insists on staying with her on some weekends so they can bake Eden's favourite biscuits and decorate it.

She wasn't your mother when you needed, but she is a good grandmother to your daughter.

You don't understand it. You are thankful, of course. It's not like you expected that she would treat Eden bad or anything, but you can't help but wonder if that coldness and distance was just reserved for you as a child? And what did you do to deserve that. You must have done something. Still, she never told you what.

“Why are you sitting in the middle of the hallway in the dark?”

You let out a gasp, quickly covering your mouth. You take a glimpse inside Eden's room through the small space left and notice her sleeping frame tucked in with Mr. Greenie.

You had been sitting on the floor, staring at nothing in the dark in the middle of the hall, which is why Spencer is questioning you, rightfully so. But he startled you.

“I'm monitoring,” you say rather dumbly but out of excuses. “... her fever.”

He lifts his glasses up his nose — he recently went back to wearing because his eyes got too sensitive for contacts — while squinting doubtfully at you, then he turns on the light to sit down crisscrossed by your side after also taking a look inside Eden's bedroom. He would give her a goodnight kiss in a minute.

You don't even realize you're crying until his thumb travels across your cheeks to gently wipe your tearstained cheeks. His mouth tugging downwards at your puffy eyes.

“You told me her fever went down an hour ago.”

“It did.”

“Then what's wrong, angel?”

She's fine, you're not. He thinks.

You sniffle, shaking your head. You feel like a child all over again. This is so stupid. You are an adult, why are you still feeling like this? You have your family now, there is no need to dig into the past and suffer. You cannot change anything about it.

He scoots into your personal space, wrapping an arm around your shoulders to bring you closer to him. You rest your head on his chest, hearing the thump thump of his heartbeat against your ear. For a moment, that's all you thought about. Spencer's hands drawing invisible patterns on your arms and back, muttering softly about his day as to not disturb the peaceful silence and kissing the crown of your head occasionally.

“She's perfect.”

His hands halt on their way up and down your arm. “Yes, she is.” He knows who you were talking about, he always does, like he read your mind.

“I'm scared I might ruin her.”

This sentence alone terrifies you to no end. It's so much deeper than feeling unloved as a child because it isn't about you anymore, it's about the life you created, the life you are raising and watching grow up. The life who carries your DNA, the same one you share with you mother, who is the person that made you question every single encounter with a human being and if you really deserves to be loved.

Every day, you wonder if you were cold or short with Eden at any moment. If, maybe, a comment slipped last your lips and it would define how her day would be. Or if you gave her a look of disapproval that would make her question her way of speaking or her way of being.

You are scared of ending up like her and to have your daughter regret being raised by you.

“That's just not possible.” Spencer says firmly, squeezing you as reassurance. “You're a wonderful person and a wonderful mother, there is just absolutely no way you would ruin her or do anything remotely close.”

“If I'm so wonderful, then why didn't she love me?”

Parents can impact your life in a good way or catastrophically bad. There's the line in between, the gray line. From what Spencer heard you talk about your mother, she leans a little towards the catastrophically bad. It isn't that she doesn't love you. It is about the way she didn't show it.

“It wasn't your fault.”

Spencer finds your mother a sweet woman who took care of Eden when both of you are away on cases, or just because she wants to be with her granddaughter that day. And that's fine, he likes her. She's okay. What isn't okay is how she left you to drown in doubt in your childhood as you questioned every action you did in your entire life afterwards.

That was cruel and cold and unfair. You might forgive her for how she treated you one day, but he wouldn't.

You scoff, harshly drying your tears as they kept coming. “I must have done something.”

“You were a child.” Spencer insists, caressing your cheek. He understands where the blame comes from, he used to carry that burden, sometimes he still does. Did he make his dad leave? Could he have done something to stop it? The answer is no. A child cannot blame themselves for their parents mistakes.

And that's easier said than done.

“So?”

He sighs, lifting your chin so he can look into your eyes and stick what he is about to say into your brain for good.

“Is there anything Eden could do that would make you treat her with indifference?”

Your brows raise in disbelief, “God, no. She's my everything.”

He gives you a pointed look at your quick answer. You didn't even think twice, you didn't have to. She is your everything. The best part of you. And you would do anything to put a smile on her face. Because that's what parents are supposed to do.

“You know that you're her first source of comfort?”

You tilt your head to show you're listening, focusing on playing with his calloused knuckles. “What do you mean.”

“You're the first person she wants after a nightmare, when she has a bad day at school or even when there's a bug in the room that you're also terrified of.”

You can't hold back the snort that comes out of your mouth.

“You're not talking about spiders, certainly. Remember that night you saw one in our bedroom and screamed so loud our neighbours made fun of us on the weekend?” Spencer rolls his eyes and you carry on, too amused to stop. “They thought we were going at it. like rabbits.”

“Okay,” Spencer huffs, pretending to be annoyed. He can't actually be annoyed at you. “It was huge and what if it had walked all over our bed before we found it? Where was it before? When did it get there? Did you know that the bite of the false widow spider Steatoda nobilis can develop infections that are unresponsive to antibiotics?”

“Baby.” You peck his lips until he stops rambling. You do love when he goes off on a rant but he will just spiral out of control if he thinks anymore about spiders and decide to clean-up the entire house to be convinced there is no spider lurking in the corner. “I killed it, okay? You're safe.”

He hums, leaning forward for another kiss. “My hero,” he mumbles into your lips.

Both of you check Eden's temperature and kiss the mini version of you goodnight before going back to the living room.

“So you do understand, right?” He wraps both arms around you when you sit on the couch, kissing the back of your head. “You're wonderful and kind and lovely and you. Our girl and I couldn't have been more lucky.”

“If you want to make me cry again just say the word, Spencer.” He chuckles, spreading little kisses down your neck, lips wavering closer to your ear.

“Never, but I do want to make you smile, so I got ice cream.”

That makes you turn around fast, an excitement glint on your eyes. “Which flavor?”

His lips twitches into that smug grin when he knows he is right about something. He shrugs pretending to be nonchalant. “Cotton candy, I guess.”

You shoot up from the couch before he can utter another word and run towards the fridge, whispering-yelling I love you so as to not wake up your daughter. Spencer nods with a fond smile, leaning against the kitchen counter to watch you moan over your favorite ice cream and remember the part of your childhood that you enjoyed. Cotton candy, afternoon walks in the park and friends sleepovers.

“I love you,” you confess as your mouth splits into a wide smile while you're kissing him. His tongues travelled through his lips after you split apart and he tastes the sweet flavor of cotton-candy provided by you.

Spencer presses his lips to both of your cheeks and the tip of your nose, gazing down at you lovingly. “I know, and I love you too.”

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taglist: @lilyviolets ; @whore-for-spencer-reid ; @yeonalie ; @ninkieminjaj ; @hoeshissworld ; @r-3dlips ; @pleasantwitchgarden

[cupids-dove]

That's Not My Neighbor Head cannons I won't stop thinking about.

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Arabella (oc):

Hopeless romantic

That one friend who's always dressed nicely even when having a breakdown

Would bail you out of jail

Easily flustered

Swears in french but says it in a sweet way, so people think she's complimenting them.

Can't pronounce "declaration"

Very insecure but acts like she's the best

Likes to be the dumb blonde because arguing with men is dumb

Dramatic queen

Marina and the Diamonds coded

Francis:

Runs off of coffee 24/7

Forgets to eat all the damn time

At some point he stopped giving a fuck about doppels

MAN CANNOT FLIRT TO SAVE HIS LIFE (it's okay bc he's unintentionally hot)

Terrible at English (grammar, etc)

Some days just talks in mumbles, and no one ever knows wtf he says

Punched a doppel without realizing it (he thought it was his coworker who wouldn't leave him tf alone-)

Milkshakes are a guilty pleasure

Got chased by a dog during a delivery, and now hates them

Basically, the batman of the building

Nacha:

Bicurious fr fr

A girl's girl

Type of woman to have pads/tampons/liners, etc, in case anyone needs one

Drops off food for Francis because she knows he forgets to eat

Honestly the best mom ever-

She's actually not very good at baking

Her relationship with Francis was: the opposite eyes where one is like happy and the other is tired-

Or like: grew up with a big family x grew up an only child

The one who actually suggested the divorce

Left handed

Has an odd fascination with pears

Anastacha:

She walked in on her parents once, and now whenever Nacha needs her, she has to go to Ana instead of Ana going to her.

Thinks it's cheesy her name is so similar to her mom's

Pretty close to both her parents

I think she'd really like The Addams Family

Good at math

Picked up saying "whatever" from upper classmen

Kinda hates the idea of romance

The type of person to just stare into your soul but in reality was zoning out (got that from her dad fr fr)

Likes picking flowers to bring to her mom after school

Steven:

Bad boy with a heart of gold

Looks like a fboy but this guy got no bitches

Kinda dumb most of the time, but gets serious when it comes to piloting

The cool uncle

Wear sunglasses even if he can't see shit

Insecure about his eyes

Definitely the type to try and fight a goose

He's an only child and wishes he had some younger siblings

Doesn't like to drink all that much

Definitely knows how to play guitar or some sort of instrument

Mclooy:

Most loyal man ever

His wife died before the doppelgangers, but once you get him talking about her he won't shut up

Taught Steven how to play guitar

Everytime he smokes he thinks of how his wife would nag him about it </3

A lot of the guys go to him for advice

I imagine he's got one of those warm hearty laughs

Was in the military for a bit

Worries about Steven everytime he goes out

Doesn't understand mental health, but does his best

Lois:

Sweetest old woman, you'll ever meet.

Carries candy on her all the time

Loves roses so much

Her and her husband are definitely grumpy x soft

Can be kind of an air head sometimes

Had a dog named Puffles when she was young

Has at least 3 kids who write her letters with pressed flowers, which she keeps

Never really liked pearls until Roman bought her a pearl necklace

She's a bit tone deaf

Roman:

Grumpiest man ever

Questions how he ever got with Lois

Knows how to play piano

Is very good with numbers

Hates he's balding but Lois reassures him all the time he's still handsome

Very uncoordinated man

Dislikes pomegranates for some reason

Loves his children very much and gives financial advice

Selenne:

More on the slim and regal side

Has begged Arabella for clothing advice

Loves matching with Elenois

Hates being separated from her sister

The friend who goes partying every night

Definitely the type to gossip with her sister

Cannot keep a secret to SAVE HER LIFE

Has the tendency to talk about topics she doesn't fully understand

Elenois:

Does Selenne's makeup because Selenne always begs her to

Definitely has accidentally called herself by her sister's name

Technically the older twin

Worries that she's not as pretty as her sister even though they look alike

A secret lesbian

Wears cherry chapstick

Hated yellow/orange at first and grew to really like it.

The type to scold you about doing something wrong, but in the process is giving you comfort items

If it wasn't for her sister encouraging her to join her in modeling. She probably would've been a sectary.

Mia:

Loves the color red WITH. A. PASSION.

Loves receiving apples too <3

Probably smells like apple blossoms too-

Very good at English

Teaches third graders

Wants to be a mother with lots and lots of kids

Her relationship with Dr. W. Afton is literally gorgeous wife x dork

Loves her silly fiance

Dyes he hair blonde

Dr. W. Afton:

Man is clueless

Also has no idea how he bagged such a beautiful woman

Loves how smart Mia is

Does questionable shit all the time

Has a thing for bunnies that doesn't feel entirely normal

Has been mistaken for a doppel by neighbors because sometimes he creeps them out

He gives me quiet kid

Definitely grew up with no siblings and extremely awkward around other women

Looks like he would freak out over a bug

Angus:

This man MOST DEFINITELY knows how to dance

He reminds me of Waluigi

He looks like he enjoys pineapple on pizza

A lady's man fr fr

Would treat you so well

A romantic

Smokes a lot, though, because work is hard

Drinks red wine

Has a fancy ass bathrobe that lowkey Slenne is jealous of

Izaack:

Chad

Peaked in highschool

Nosiest mf ever

He's somewhat sweet

Misogynist

Very good at his job

Likes Selenne and gives her all the gossip

Has flirted with all the women in the building at LEAST once (shoot ur shot ig)

He's most proud of his jaw line

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Author's note: Someone should lmk if I should do more :P also I might do something with Arabella more dive deeper into her- I'm just doing this for fun, for myself really because I was just gonna wrote most of these in my notes app. I doubt many people will read this so-

[mauradersdaughter]

I just saw a tiktok video of someone saying that Logan was the reason Rory went back to Yale, that (direct quote) “she would sort some things out” and “he knew she would go back when she felt it was the right time”. Last, but not least, my favorite: “the speech could have come from him and she still would’ve come back, he just knew not to push her too much.”

…….My brother in Christ, did we watch the same show? This isn’t even a point of whose team you’re in, but about what actually happened and people’s skill on text interpretation.

Rory dropping out was a big deal. She studied years to get in a good college, to live a good life, we saw all her effort. The people that truly knew her were astounded by her choice. Luke offered to kidnap her, Paris went to talk to Lorelai, Jess was absolutely confused. She wasn’t giving it up, because she didn’t want it, she was doing it ‘cause she’s a people pleaser and her entire self-worth depends on people’s opinions of her. So when this thin-haired, bald spot, ugly, powerful journalist (who happens to be her bf’s dad) tells her she doesn’t ‘got it’, it crushes her. She spirals. Her decision wasn’t made on a clear head, it was insecurity induced.

To the last quote, I don’t even know what to say. ‘He just knew not to push her too much’, do you mean doing nothing at all?? ‘Cause pushing Rory to be a better person is not something I saw Logan doing. Now the speech part; the only speech I saw him give her was when she was upset about how her life was going and when she complained he made it about him and how his life was “so hard”, when she didn’t accuse him of anything, she was just venting to her boyfriend.

[shortkidenergy]

OK DONE WITH PART 1

Characterization thoughts:

Bill: I like kid Bill a lot. especially as part 1 goes on you see more and more of that gravity he has and why he’s Big Bill who all the other kids (and anyone with sense) would follow into hell. i always imagine Bill with dark hair and maybe…a little stockier? but i think this Bill felt more visually and emotionally like book Bill than movie Bill did to me. closer to my ideal Bill. a platonic Bill if you will. adult Bill I still haven’t seen much of yet but the PONYTAIL. the PONYTAIL IS HILARIOUS. i love that in the book adult Bill was bald and in the miniseries they were like what if he had A LOT of hair tho. it’s such a bad ponytail.

Ben: oh Ben my beloved. kid Ben might be my favorite of these losers. he’s SO EFFORTLESSLY COOL and i really love that for him. like the actor is genuinely so great. he’s sweet but also just so cool. which is like honestly so Ben. im sad it feels like they’re playing down how smart he is by removing the library and replacing his scare with something about his dad. or whatever that was going on with his cousin??? unfortunately as much as i love kid ben so far adult ben is my least favorite. i haven’t seen much of him so i’m trying not to judge too harshly but everything about his introduction was so ://. he’s supposed to be a weird lone reclusive artist who frequents a particular bar so often he knows the bartender. he’s supposed to live in the middle of nowhere and have picked up cowboy traits. making him a player???????? no. this man is SO insecure. (yes he is also Very Hot and Lots of people would be attracted to him but the DIFFERENCE is that he would not get close enough to anyone for that to matter. because 1 he’s gone back to being the lone wolf he was before joining the Losers and 2 his heart is still holding out for Bev even if he doesn’t remember her…)

Eddie: kid Eddie is GREAT. he’s like a tiny little old man and that’s fantastic. his voice, his lines, his clothes, the way he *walks* perfect. impeccable. tiny little geriatric man. no notes. it’s sad that we don’t get his character arc with his asthma and everything, but i get why they didn’t have time to flesh out the characters the way they did in the book/movies (unless that’s coming in part 2 but from the scene where they all passed around Eddie’s inhaler i kind of doubt it). i also LOVE that they kept Eddie’s sense of direction. i just love when all the kids have special powers for no explicable reason. Eddie just always knows where to go 🥺 adult Eddie I have not seen much of but i have HIGH HOPES FOR. i love his look, i love his voice, i love his micromanaging. so far he’s my favorite adult. can’t wait for good things and only good things to happen to him in part 2 :)

Bev: very fond. i really really like how kid Bev looks. her wardrobe and those braids. it just really feels like she’s a scrappy kid right with the rest of them. the movies made her feel a little more…grown up/cooler than the rest of them but i guess thinking about it the kids are older in the movies. and like she is supposed to be cool and she is cool but she’s cool the same way the rest of them are, y’know? i really really liked her bantering with Richie. i have such a soft spot for their friendship and i really felt it here. grown up Bev i haven’t seen much of, but so far i like her. i wasn’t so sure at the very first scene, but after she got the call from mike i was like ohhh yep there she is.

Richie: oh Richie ascshdjs. i like this Richie a lot. definitely feels a lot like book Richie which makes a lot of sense because book Richie is so very from the 50s, and so is this one lol. i love his look and body language. when he’s running from the werewolf i’m just like yep there he is. limbs too long. flailing around. perfect. LOVED when he dumped his drink on the bullies. LOVE whenever he says shit and starts shit. he’s just so much fun. the chemistry between him and Eddie isn’t as strong as it is in the movies (i honestly don’t remember how it was in the book) which is for sure missed. but also they feel like they have an age difference between them that they don’t in the movies. adult Richie i’m ehhh on so far. i just don’t think i’ve seen enough of him yet.

Mike: sad that we don’t get to see more of him as a kid :( don’t love the way he was introduced but a lot of that is i think because i don’t like that they are in school. i also think he’s…smarter. than to draw attention to himself like that. also the fact that doesn’t go to school with the rest of the losers kind of feels like an important thing that got missed. that’s why none of them know him. i also feel like his connection to the historical racial violence in Derry is under-played by just having him just presented as being interested in Derry’s history of violence. like there’s a REASON he knows this stuff and it’s because of his PARENTS. specifically his DAD. who i am upset has never made it into any film adaptation. will hanlon my beloved :,( ultimately i don’t feel like i got enough of kid mike to decide how i feel about him. ADULT MIKE HOWEVER i am a fan of. his vibes are GOOD. i love him sticking his nose in the crime scene at the start. i love that that’s the opening. i love this nosy librarian who gets Involved In Shit. I really love how he looks. His voice. Everything about him. high hopes for adult mike in part 2

And finally…

Stan: oh Stan :( my baby. it took me until the stan part to get a read on him and. wow. both kid and adult stan are Really Really Good. the grabbing his ear and reciting the boyscout code or whatever it was he was doing. again i get why we didn’t get birds if it’s just a cut characterization for time thing so i LOVE that they gave him something else to recite. and oh my god when he sees the photograph and he just. has a mini meltdown i. god i love him so much. he’s so so scared to go into the sewer. he gets the brunt of the trauma down there. and then he’s so so reluctant to promise to come back. and god when he gets the call. and he and patty are so sweet…it’s so interesting how the timing of his bath is different in the book, movies, and mini series. and i think this one is honestly the most devastating. like the book you know right off the bat, and then it’s a slow sort of pain as you get to know him because you know exactly how he ends. the movies… i guess i don’t know what it’s like to watch them without knowing what happens, but i feel like the break in between the first and second movies shaves the edge of it down. but here. here you’ve seen the rest of them answer the phone. you’ve seen him throughout in the background. then you see just how devastated he is by It. just how much he can’t accept it. how traumatized he is. how he went into the tunnels scared and came out scared and still promised to come back. and then. and *then* Stanly takes a bath.

devastating.

i was planning to write more about other stuff but it’s getting late and i wrote so much more here than i thought i was going to asgdj. probably expect at least another one of these when i watch part 2

[statticscribbles]

Hair Loss

Summary: Sweet Pea/Reader; Sweet Pea struggles with hair loss

With every game of sins and secrets Cheryl makes everyone play you know it’s only a matter of time until Sweet Pea is forced to spill. He was a horrible liar; and you were even thinking about faking a pregnancy scare just to give him something to lie about so he didn’t have to admit his biggest, darkest secret to everyone else.

Sweet Pea was losing his hair.

At first he thought it was because of stress from the jobs. Or maybe because of how shitty he’d been eating; half a burger when he could grab it from a roadside truck stop or maybe some diner food at three in the morning after a fight. Either way it had started small; but it seemed to be that there were now clumps threatening to fall out. 

Sweet Pea glares at the tiny bottle you’ve gotten him. You know he wouldn’t have gotten it himself; but he hated even going near the hair product aisle. You knew it wasn’t something to be ashamed of but Sweet Pea still avoided even talking to you about it. You were at least glad he managed to stop wearing the beanie hat he’d started wearing during meetings and out on jobs to hide it from the other Serpents.

None of the Serpent’s noticed; you knew because everyone had commented more about why Sweet Pea was wearing the beanie than anything involving potential hair loss or the bald spot he was convinced was getting bigger and bigger every minute he didn’t look at it.

-“Dude your dad is totally bald; it means you’re next; it’s like a genetic thing. How did you not know that??”

“I don’t like thinking about it.”

“Awww is it because you’ve been trying everything to stop it from happening?”

“Shut up.” He snaps and you scowl at Fangs. You’re not going to say anything; no one else actually knows how insecure Sweet Pea is about his hair loss.

“You know that’s not how hair loss actually works right? You can’t just put some special growth liquid on it and magically become rapunzel with long flowing hair.”

“Sweet Pea; hey are you.. Hey it’s alright; come on…” You nod towards your room; already planning on cuddling him. He slumps on your bed almost right away and you wait for a second before he opens his arms so you can pull him into yours.

“Hey it’s alright; how about we take a shower together? Or we can just cuddle and watch movies?” You offer out the two suggestions and he just nods; you laugh a little bit but are relieved that he’s not just staying on your bed and ignoring the world like he did a few times before when you couldn’t figure out what was actually going on.

“You know I’m going to love you no matter what, right? Even if every single one of your eyelashes falls off. I’ll always love you and support you.”

“I know babe; you don’t need to remind me.”

“Well clearly I do if the other Serpents are making you feel like shit about anything; let alone something you have no control over like your hair.”

“Mhm..” He huffs a little and you smile at him.

“We could always just shave our heads and wear matching wigs forever? I think you’d look great with bright purple, or maybe one of those neon pink mohawk ones? Oh! What if we got you a bald cap?”He laughs and you grin back at him; happy to make him smile for now; you can deal with all the issues later.

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[webbywatcheshorror]

Webby Reviews Horror: Ink (2009)

Ink is a movie about extraplanar entities, invisible to our plane, who visit us at night and deliver dreams (or nightmares). One night, a young girl's soul is kidnapped, leaving her waking body comatose. Allel, a Dreamgiver, must hunt down the creature who stole her before it's too late.

Ink is another movie that I love dearly! I love the worldbuilding, the characters, the use of music and lighting.

It's not a very well-known movie, which is a shame, because I feel like it could have a fairly strong following if more people got to see it.

So let's talk about it! Review under the cut, and as always, SPOILERS ahead!

Alright, STRICTLY SPEAKING, Ink is not a horror movie. It's more of a fantasy with some elements of horror and suspense. But this is my review blog and I do what I want.

The movie opens up with a scene of a little girl (Emma) and her father (John) spending time together one morning. She wants to play pretend, but Dad is awkward, like he's not sure how playing pretend works, but he gives in and tries anyway, leaping out of his comfort zone and into her world of pretend beasties and forts they must defend. it's really cute, if a little too brightly lit.

Then we are introduced to a core concept of the movie- the Dreamgivers. As the neighborhood falls asleep, dozens of individuals literally POP into existence and slip into their homes, where they deliver sweet dreams through a gentle touch. It is weirdly shot in some places, though, reminding me of a medication commercial, but I suppose that can be the nature of dreams.

The Dreamgivers just look like regular people, in contrast to their opposites, the Incubi, who are dressed in black shiny trenchcoats and have their faces projected onto a screen like a mask. The Incubi deliver nightmares, as you might expect, though not through touch- they simply sidle up to a sleeper and whisper negativity that influences the dreams.

I like how differently the two factions are portrayed- the Dreamgivers are warm, personal, almost loving in their duties, while the Incubi are cold and impersonal, projecting fears and insecurities on their victims from afar.

In this world, however, there are more than just Dreamgivers and Incubi, and we meet our primary antagonist, Ink, when he POPs into existence and steals Emma, who is living with her grandparents. Except, he has stolen her on This side of reality- the Dreamers' side- leaving her physical body there without a soul.

Our Dreamgiver protag Allel tries to fight Ink off, and is backed up by some of her compatriots, giving us a really cool detail about the Dreamside World. When objects are damaged, such as furniture, it reverses itself back into its normal state moments later. It's a really cool visual and helps to establish the fact that Dreamsiders can't affect the real world.

Ink kicks everyone's ass and manages to escape with Emma's soul by playing a funky lil beat on a hand drum, which opens a gateway they vanish into. That, in itself, is a cool ass concept. Let me just play a little ditty and get gone.

Ink (the character) is a tragic figure. During the course of the movie, we learn his goal is to become an Incubus- detached, unfeeling, perfectly formed. We are told that his entry into the Dreamside was painful, and when we get a face reveal, we see he is covered in scars, with an almost comically enlarged nose (think close to Adam Maitland's character transformation in Beetlejuice for a comparison) and only a few long thin strands of hair on his otherwise bald, scarred head. he intends to deliver Emma's soul in exchange for this new status.

See, the Dreamside is implied to be the Afterlife. There are angelic figures like Liev the Storyteller; demonic figures like the Incubus Prince; drifters, like Ink, who used to be human but never settled into one side or the other; and Pathfinders who can hear the beat of the world and actually influence it.

The Pathfinder we meet is a blind man named Jacob who serves as a guide and comedic relief from some of the dramatic tension, and is also my second favorite character behind Emma. He seems deeply unserious, but he's dedicated to the task at hand- saving Emma's soul before her body expires. He's just gonna give Allel shit about it the whole time. ("What are we supposed to do when we find Emma on the other side?" "SHAKE THE SHIT OUT OF HER.")

His ability to affect the world gives us my absolute favorite sequence in the movie- he opens his little case he's been carrying and through it, emits a soft little gust of wind that sets off a chain reaction eventually culminating in a car wreck that sends Emma's father to the same hospital she's in. (Even if you don't want to watch this entire movie I do highly recommend looking up that scene on Youtube!)

This movie is an artistic one, utilizing light and environmental storytelling to provide a lot of the details- for example, when John is actively being influenced by an Incubus, the world around him dims, then darkens considerably, showing just how alone he feels in his misery and anger. During the first Flashback sequence, he is shown to be (literally) in the spotlight at work, over and over, congratulated for his business sense and smart dealings, while at home the light is dim as his wife pleads for him to stop working such long hours and spending so much time away from the family.

The movie also uses color to signify which layer of reality we're in- the real world is often overly bright, but colorful, where the Dreamside is mostly gray and muted. I like visual cues that communicate to the viewer details like that, helps me keep track of what's going on and where we are.

The Twist of the movie is decently set up and can be figured out if you're paying attention, but don't feel bad if you don't, since there is some timey wimey bullshit going on. Alternate Worlds love having time work differently than the real one, and while it may be a cliche, it's a fun story element that opens up more possibilities.

Ink is John. Or, at least, a version of him that could be, if he keeps on the path he's on right now. Ink is what happens when John ignores his daughter's condition and continues to work and do coke and withdraw from the only family he has left, resulting in Emma's death. Ink is what happens when John gets so low he takes his own life.

The Final Battle is a fantastic scene- on the Dreamside, we have a handful of Dreamgivers fighting to keep the Incubi who are swarming the hospital at bay and away from John so he can make his own choice; on the reality side of things, we have a normal day in a hospital, with John wandering down the halls in search of Emma. There's a sense of urgency and a rapidly approaching time limit on the Dreamside, but in the real world it's peaceful, almost dreamlike.

Ink/John's journey to recovery parallels how hard it is to come back from the darkness in our own world. How the promise of relief from your pain can be so seductive that you'd give up anything, everything, just to be free. How hard it is to let go of your resentment and admit when you're wrong, when you need help. How even a hand extended in friendship can seem like a threat.

This movie ends on a good note, leaving me with a sense of relief and satisfaction. As I said before, it's not so much a true horror movie as it is a fantasy with some horror elements, so that's probably why it has such a happy ending, but I digress.

I give this one ten ghosts outta ten, because I love the story, the worldbuilding, the visual effects, and the characters a hell of a lot. And because Jacob is right, sometimes you really do just gotta shake the shit outta people. (Maybe don't orchestrate a car accident as your first option though.)

[nami-lvr]

Correct OP: Part 3

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 4

Ft: Shanks, Law, Ace, Sabo, Marco, Smoker, and princess Vivi

A/N: I love everyone on this list like for real come kiss me Vivi 🙁🙁 SHANKS TOO. HE IS SO FINE. SO IS ACE. LIKE GYYYYYAT!! Next part is Enel, Katakuri, Big Mom, Kidd, Arlong, and Yamato (last part)

Shanks

Loud ass snoring

Does not care

Aaabsolutley pulls bitches

Marines or not marines

Paints his nails the brightest most noticeable colors

Bright yellow

Hot pink

Neon green

Absolutely outstanding father

10/10 dad

The one you call to get drunk or high or cross faded with

Would deal his kids weed to make sure they stay safe

Would also give alcohol recommendations

all when they’re legally allowed ofc

Law

Definitely

A lil fruitcake

Sorry to all Law simps but he is AroAce and atp it’s cannon

Would not be into romance at all

Ever

He would definitely read gay dirty books though

“I WAS JUST CURIOUS-“

Boooo lame excuse

Like

Ok gay ass 🥸

Would dress like a teen boy trying to be cool

Would be an outstanding father if he ever had kids

Would be so into Star Trek not even joking

Speaking Klingon and allat

Stoner

WEED SMOKER

Is a Math/Science kinda smart guy

Ace

I do not give a single shit what this GIF looks like

Ace has a hooked nose

And crooked teeth

And heterochromia

One green eye one brown eye type shit

Is color blind

The green and red kind

Can not drive

Do not let him behind the wheel

Please

Got that greasy hair

That unwashed stench

Overgrown armpit hair

Has a forest under there

A REALLY GOOD LOOKING HAPPY TRAIL ☹️☹️

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW GOOD HIS HAPPY TRAIL LOOKS I SWEAR TO YOU

Sabo

This motherfucker is inSANE

Bro needs to go back to the mental health institution

Has a gold tooth

Has cologne on always

And it smells so good

Doesn’t brush his hair

But its fine bc he really pulls off the messy look

Tried to grow a beard and it did not look good

Is very organized

Is insecure about his scars

(Secretly) looks at guys

Not so secretly looks at girls

Is definitely bisexual

TRANSGENDER

Choked on the devil fruit when he ate it

Messy eater

CROOKED NOSE

It’s basically facts that the ASL brothers have crooked noses

Except for Ace with his hooked nose

Can speak Spanish but not Portuguese

Loser can’t speak the language he grew up around ��💀

Marco

Just GET A DIFFERENT BARBER GYAT DAMN 😭😭

At least get a fade

Has male pattern baldness

Knows his hair is bad (doesn’t care)

Has cavities

Doesn’t floss

Does not wear deodorant

would definitely dress grungy

And or punk

And have a mohawk sometimes ;p

And think he’s the shit

When he needs to fix that GODDAMN HAIR

He would be gay

Oh my god how gay he would be

Has SEX

This guy FUCKS

Idk how but I feel like he pulls some major bitches

Smoker

TBH I would fuck him and I’m literally asexual

So yk this dude is getting it on

Has tried to smoke 20 cigars at once

Succeeded somehow

Type of guy to say “I bet five dollars that___” and always lose

But does it anyways

GOD at rock paper scissors

You may win the first time you play him, but that’s because he’s watching your tactics

Sneaky little bastard

Straight and Cis but fully supports the LGBTQIA+

“They don’t bother me, and even if a queer person did bother me, it would only be that specific one. Not all of them.”

It makes no sense how people get bullied for things they can’t control

Very stand up kinda guy

Beats up bullies type of fella

Princess Vivi

She is so fine istg

She would for sure pull

Would have an unbelievably dark past by age 30

God of never have I ever

Would just own everyone in it

The coolest backstory

Paints her nails to match her hair

Looks really good in modest dresses

Uh

She’s Hispanic

Not sorry

For real she is

I think she would really like cats

Keeps in contact with the strawhats

Buys them things and all that

Gives them supply crates like food and fresh ingredients

Really likes working with kids

Would be an amazing and patient teacher

Would have a really good singing voice

Looks absolutely amazing in white

[eddiesghxst]

hi I just wanted to let you know your dad!eddie and hairstylist reader post made me smile! My uncle (who sadly passed away) actually did this. Before his death, he and his longtime gf had broken up and he was really insecure and just lonely. Because his ex was his hairdresser he had to go find someone new and he met this girl that he was so excited about. He asked me and my sisters on advice about how to talk to her bc he was “out of the game” for so long. He actually said “I’m scared I’m gonna go bald with how many times I went in there for a haircut.” We laughed for a while after that. Sorry this is so long but his death really did a toll on me and to see a post about my comfort character in the same situation made me smile! Thank you for that ❤️

OHHH this is, by far, the most special ask/message i’ve ever been sent, thank u so much for sharing this precious memory of yours with me🥹 i’m so glad u were able to find a smile on here, sending love to u and ur loved ones and hoping ur uncle is getting some fancy haircuts in his new book of life🫶💌

[bisluthq]

men are definitely under scrutiny too i mean look how people talk about zac efron

and real world men legit have insecurities as a result! (About wrinkles, balding, flabbiness etc 🤷🏻‍♀️) I mean obviously you get dudes who get roasted online because they have zero self awareness and stuff and post their weird looking incel asses on tinder demanding “high quality females” or whatever but like all the dudes I’m friends with or are actively in my life (so like my dad also) are insecure about their appearance in much the same way that I am. Like none of us are crying ourselves to sleep at night because we don’t look like our ideal but we all think we could lose like 5-10 pounds, we all worry about our hair, we all worry about wrinkles/skin, we all worry about body hair, we all worry about our clothes etc. I’ve actually had a few guys I’m close to say they think they’re more insecure than me because like I can put makeup on if I have a blemish or something and they can’t and it drives them equally nuts.

[diaryofme98]

Journal Entry #2

The power was out yesterday and I used the time to read through some of the texts I sent Fabian last year to the fake number. Honestly, now that I know he for sure read all of these, because of Finch (thanks Fabian) it gives me a different perspective on them. We really did bond in a fucked up way in June.

I told him about all my psychosis, every single problem I ever had with my family, my insecurities, etc. I showed him a gross picture of my room, I sent him a picture of my boob, and I sent him a thousand gifs of couples kissing when I was going through the worst of my psychosis and needed something happy to focus on.

The most fucked up part about June is I used texting Fabian as a coping mechanism. I used it to help me with the worst of my schizophrenia. So for him to just... Take everything I said and use it to scare me. Man. It's uncool. It is totally uncool. I thought we had something going with each other. Yeah he never responded through the fake number, but we had a bond going. We were repairing the damage between us.

So for him to fucking go all American Psycho on my ass, get an honest to God bald cap, and scare the shit out of me when he knew how poorly I was doing... It's just fucking disappointing. Like I expected better of him.

I trusted him with the most vulnerable parts of me and once again he fucking disappointed me and betrayed me. He keeps doing this. I don't know how he can drive to my freaking house and scare me then text me telling me he wants nothing to do with me. It's a far distance between Texas and California! It isn't an easy trip to make! He put so much effort into scaring me! He's such a jerk.

I know in his defense I said some pretty not okay things on my texts last year. I mean. I WAS in psychosis. I wouldn't have said those things in my right mind. I certainly wouldn't have sent a photo of my boob either. So it's like. Cut me a break. I just talked about family incest and being molested as a kid. And thank God none of that really happened but ... I fucking thought it did? I genuinely thought my dad raped me? I was paranoid and psychotic. He didn't need to make it worse by scaring me. Fabian could have used the most vulnerable time of my life to be there for me. He could have helped me! Instead he made it worse.

I don't know what to think of Fabian anymore. I know he knows too much about me. The mess that occurred last year... I told him everything. And maybe it is a good thing we aren't in each other's lives anymore. I don't know. I don't even know if I have feelings for him anymore. I don't know if I see him as a best friend anymore. I'd like to. But I probably just need to choose myself for once. I need to protect myself.

I know he's probably reading my blog. He'll probably keep reading this to see if I figure out anymore about him stalking me on a motorcycle. Or he'll just read it in general to stalk me.

If you are reading this Fabian:

I wish we could put aside the bullshit and talk. I won't tell anyone you stalked me last year if you are honest about it. I think you'll find I'm a pretty accepting person. I just want to talk to you. Yeah you did something weird and fucked up, but clearly my texts from last year pissed you off. It's not an excuse but like... I get you are a human. I get you have emotions. I get you have reasons for doing what you do. I'd rather not just be a girl you stalk quietly. I'd rather be in your life in some capacity. I'd be your friend again, if you ever wanted that. I don't know why you are willing to stalk me but you aren't willing to talk to me. Am I that freaking scary? You scared me! I'm not that intimidating. I'm 5'3, I have schizophrenia, and I'm kind of probably just the same nerd you remember dating. I'm not that different honestly. My medicine manages my mental illness. I'm really just- I'm really just okay.

I go to Baylor next year for college. Maybe you'll be more willing to talk to me when I'm away from my family. I don't know why I get that vibe. I guess cause you stalked me. So maybe when I'm alone you'll talk to me. I don't know. I'll move on with my life, I'll do other things, but I'll probably always be curious about talking to you. Not only cause you were my first love, but I think you are mentally fucked up in the same way as me, we are both weirdos as you once told me. And I never did meet another person like you.

[nothorses]

For anon worried about balding: don't be so sure you'll lose your hair. My dad and brother both started balding in their 20s (dad's is worse). I am 40 and not balding. I've been on T for a few years and I had high T levels naturally before that. I was certain I'd start balding immediately but I haven't at all. My hair isn't super great but it never was lol. Don't make yourself crazy worrying about stuff that hasn't happened yet. You're gonna look good and feel good. I wish you the best, congrats on your prescription!

yes!!

I think some folks are more worried than others, but like- even setting aside that it's a possibility and not a certainty, your opinions on things like that usually change after you actually start HRT.

When your entire life has been somewhat defined by being unhappy with the way you look, it's hard to imagine that you'll ever not pick at every little perceived imperfection. But once you mostly look a way that feels right and comfortable to you, a lot of "imperfections" that would have made you feel helpless and devastated and insecure before tend to just feel... normal. And fine.

I was really worried about going bald before transition, because I hated how I looked already, and couldn't imagine not just hating myself even more than I did if I had any other "imperfections" to deal with.

But now... I mean, I'll do what I can to prevent it, but I'm honestly not that worried about stuff like that anymore. I like how I look. I'll be just fine if I have another flaw or two. Yknow?

[mimik-u]

Togetherness

Summary: The aftermath of Steven transforming into a huge reptilian monster brings back old memories for Pearl, who remembers another time Steven was scared so many years ago.

A/N: This piece was written for the Pearl-focused I am a Pearl! mini-zine a couple of months ago! It was a great opportunity to get to explore Pearl's mind space after the events of "I am My Monster" and how her friendship with Greg has evolved over the years. ;w; Thanks to the mods for a great zine experience! <3

AO3 Link / Zine Tumblr Link / @iamapearlzine

—

Steven is sixteen years old when he erupts into a scaly, pink monster—fifty-foot tall and inconsolable.

Everyone tells him that they love him, but because words are rarely ever enough, they show him that they do; they embrace him; they hold him; they press their fingertips into his reptilian skin. His scales are cold and sharp against Pearl’s palms, keratin hard and impenetrable. She tells him that he shouldn’t have to keep anything from her, all the while burning with shame that he’s kept so much from her.

He’s felt responsible for her fragility and loved her enough to tiptoe around the Diamond in the room.

His mother.

His mother and the complicated history between them.

The love.

The torture.

The grief.

The love.

(Because what is grief after all but a manifestation of love? A reminder, its echo, and its painful, lingering, lovely ghost.)

Connie kisses Steven, very lightly, very softly, and he falls from the sky, a boy again. 

Pearl wraps him in a blanket.

Garnet carries him into the wreckage of their home.

And approximately one hour later, they’re all standing on the deck, waiting for Priyanka Maheswaran to finish her professional assessment of him as the sun sinks into a honey-colored sea.

Pearl cradles her face in her hands, elbows sinking into the railing, trying to retrace every missed sign in the blackness of her own head. She sees his skin glowing pink in the darkness—at the Reef, in Little Homeworld, just moments ago in the living room…

So many flares in the night.

And Pearl had watched them all fizzle.

—

Steven is six years old when he moves into the newly minted beach house, and he tells Greg that he’s afraid of the silence. Nearly all of his life, he’s been surrounded by noise—the gentle rumble of the van’s motor, the susurrant murmur of the sea, wind, rain, buskers playing guitars on the Boardwalk, the whoosh of the rollercoasters at Funland. 

His dad’s snores echoing off the tin ceiling.

His dad’s laughter.

His softly-sung lullabies, too.

The beach house is really quiet at night, Steven tells Greg who tells the Gems, and he doesn’t like that…

He’s trying really hard to like it, though.

Maybe things’ll get better next week.

Pearl never looks at Greg as he delivers this news, tapping her fingers against the side of her leg as she sits at the kitchen table, ankles primly crossed. He stands in the doorway—right beneath Rose’s painted image—wringing his hands and looking too awkward to be allowed. She resents him for this—for his awkwardness, for his intrusion into their lives, and for everything else, too. 

(Namely for Rose.)

She inwardly knows that she’s being unfair. 

That loathing a person on the basis of his existence is morally suspect.

Wrong.

But what are rightness and wrongness to emotions? To the sheer primality of grief?

Grief is irrational, she rationalizes to herself—she self-justifies; it knows nothing of ethicality.

“Why didn’t Steman tell us this?” Amethyst asks, absently scratching her nose. “If it’s noise he wants, I got an old drum set he can knock himself out on.”

Pearl frowns, well-remembering the ten straight years Amethyst played the drums through the nineties. Rose loved it; Pearl spent many hours alone in her room to decompress. 

“He’s still intimidated by you three,” Greg shrugs kindly. “And shy. You just have to give him reason enough to trust ya with stuff like this. Tucking him in at bed at night, y’know. Checking under the bed for monsters.”

“There aren’t monsters under his bed,” Garnet says, practical as ever. “They wouldn’t fit.”

Greg chuckles, running a flat hand across the back of his neck as he peers between the three gems. When he and Pearl lock eyes, she meets his stare coldly, her mouth pressed into a thin line.

“But Steven doesn’t know that,” he mumbles, glancing away, his cheeks flushing. “You gotta shine a flashlight down there and show him there’s nothing there.”

“Doesn’t that seem patronizing to you?” Pearl asks, taking little care to disguise the condescension in her voice. Across the room, Garnet’s visored stare finds her—blank, inscrutable, and arcane—but Pearl knows her fellow gem well enough to understand that this is chastisement, silent and brutal.

Arching a thin brow, she ignores Garnet.

She demands an answer from Greg.

“Maybe,” the man concedes, but when he acknowledges her gaze again, there’s a little defiance in his eyes, an edge in his scratchy voice. “But maybe not. That’s what being a parent is sometimes. Patronizing the kid! Playing along. Showing him that you’re listening to what he needs. Letting him know that you’re there… haven’t you ever been afraid before, Pearl?”

“No,” she protests immediately, bristling.

“Pssh,” Amethyst snorts. “Last week, you jumped ten feet in the air ‘cuz you saw a snake.”

“You did,” Garnet smiles wryly. “I was there.”

Pearl scoffs, trying and failing to ignore that her cheeks are suffused with blue blush…

… and that Greg is staring at her with an almost distinguishable emotion in his eyes.

If she didn’t know better, she would say it was pity.

—

Dr. Maheswaran tells them that Steven is okay; he’s tired and sore—transforming expended a lot of his energy—but he’s ready to see everyone now. She tells them to be quiet and to maybe go in one by one, so he doesn’t get too overwhelmed.

Firmly, she warns them that it’ll take more than a good night’s sleep for him to heal .

And she doesn’t mean physically.

“Here’s a number of a good therapist I know,” she says, placing a card in Pearl’s hand. “Her office opens at nine.”

Pearl folds her fingertips over the edges of the glossy card stock but doesn’t quite glance down to look at the name—too fixated on watching Greg stand in front of the doorway, palming the screen door as he seemingly steels himself to go in. 

He’s aged so much in the twenty-something years that Pearl has known him—from his nearly bald head to the branching lines creasing the corners of his eyes—but for some reason, it is only now, in this ephemeral moment, that she realizes how old he is.

She doesn’t mean physically either.

As the others gather around Dr. Maheswaran, asking her questions, voicing their concerns, Pearl takes one deliberate step and then another.

—

Garnet tells Steven that it’s okay—there are no monsters under the bed—and when she shines a flashlight beneath the mattress, Amethyst is there, shapeshifted into a tiny kitten, purring at the child sweetly.

“See, dude?” She laughs, bounding out from beneath the bed. In an instant of blurred matter and color, she becomes herself again, her bangs sweeping inelegantly over her eye. “No monsters under the bed, only cute kittens.”

“Only kittens?” He repeats, grinning that famous gap-toothed smile that everyone adores. His legs are nearly swallowed by his oversized shirt.

“Kittens and dust bunnies,” Amethyst confirms, knuckling his curls playfully and smiling broadly when he laughs. “G’night, Steman.”

“Night, Amethyst!”

“Goodnight, Steven,” Garnet murmurs, lifting the six-year old into her arms and gently placing him onto the bed. She tucks him beneath the covers. She tenderly kisses him on the head.

“Nighty night, Garnet.”

And then it’s Pearl’s turn. Garnet and Amethyst head towards their temple rooms, and Pearl settles down on the edge of the comforter, balancing her left ankle on top of her right knee.

“Don’t forget about M.C. Bear Bear!” She teases softly, reaching over and placing the stuffed animal next to Steven’s arm. “He needs a snuggle buddy.”

Steven nods in agreement, his brow furrowed seriously over his eyes.

“Yep,” he says importantly. “I’ll be sure to hug him tight.”

“Excellent,” she says primly.

“Excellent,” he echoes playfully.

She lightly skims her knuckles across his soft cheek, smiling when he giggles a little, always ticklish…

… but then, when she withdraws her hand, letting it fall away from his face, the moment that immediately follows is quiet.

Too much so.

So quiet that Pearl can hear the softness of Steven’s breath, quiet enough that Greg’s words from earlier haunt her in the absence of noise.

Haven’t you ever been afraid before, Pearl?

Contrary to what Garnet and Amethyst may believe, she isn’t afraid of snakes —pestilent creatures though they are.

She’s surprised by snakes.

And afraid of much bigger things—five-thousand-year old secrets and equally ancient insecurities, for instance.

Six thousand years ago, after all, she was coded to believe that her highest order in life was to be a slave.

And sometimes—if only sometimes—she fears that her weaknesses were ingrained then, in the very moment she emerged from a shell and was called a pearl

One of so many.

Disposable.

Programmable.

Objectified.

Sometimes, she barely knows what it means to be herself, much less what it means to be a parent .

Indeed, Greg Universe of all people seems to have the idea down better than she ever could.

So, yes, Greg, she is afraid.

(Afraid of failing Steven.)

(Terrified that she’s already failed her. )

Patronize him, Greg suggested.

Play with him.

Show him that you’re listening.

Let him know that you’re there.

—

“Greg?”

Pearl places a light hand on Greg’s arm, startling him from his trance as he turns around to face her.

“Pearl!” He exhales, his breath coming in short bursts. “Y’scared me!”

“I’m sorry,” she says sincerely, not quite moving her hand away yet. His skin is warm beneath her fingertips, soft like wave-washed sand. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Yes,” he returns immediately, and then—taking one look at her imperiously raised brow—just as quickly rectifies himself. “No. I don’t know. I’m freakin’ terrified, Pearl. I feel like a failure of a parent. I don’t know what to tell him. But I gotta go in there anyway.”

He says it all very rapidly, as though he’s talking to himself.

Encouraging himself.

And putting himself down to do it.

“I’m his dad,” he concludes, his voice breaking, tears standing in his dark eyes. “I’m his dad, and I didn’t… I wasn’t there for him, and I should have—“

“ Shh, ” Pearl cuts across him gently, patting his arm as tears threaten to slide down her own face. “Shh. There are so many hypothetical should haves that we’ll all have to face soon when it comes to Steven. But not today, Greg .”

With her free hand, she conjures a tissue from her gem and hands it to him, unflinching and kind, even when he needs to wipe his nose.

“Today,” she murmurs, her voice inhibited, a hundred emotions thick, “we just let him know that we’re here.”

—

“Pearl?” Steven asks.

Pearl blinks rapidly, coming back to herself; she’d been lost in her own thoughts, nearly consumed.

“Hey,” she smiles, placing her hand on top of Steven’s own. His skin is so warm and soft; she absently wonders if her alienness feels sharp to him… hard… cold… “Here’s an idea—how about I sing you a lullaby before you go to sleep?”

“You know how to sing?” Steven’s eyes widen incredulously, his mouth shaping itself into a delighted smile.

“Don’t look so surprised,” she laughs playfully. “When we were younger, your mother and I used to sing all the time—hymns from our home planet and the like…”

A pause, infinitesimal, hesitant. 

“...I could sing one for you if you’d like?”

“You could?” The child dares to be hopeful; the very emotion shapes the pitch of his question, the light in his eyes.

He has his mother’s eyes.

Dark and full of stars.

“I could,” Pearl repeats. “I’d sing as long as you wanted me to.”

“How about fooooorever?” 

“Let’s just start with until you fall asleep,” Pearl laughs. “That’s a part of forever, yes? This moment?”

“If you say so, Pearl,” he wrinkles his nose skeptically.

“I know so, Steven.”

As she sings him to sleep in her mother tongue, Pearl admits that this must be something that Greg knows, too.

The importance of hereness to a child.

Togetherness on scary nights.

[statticscribbles]

Hi!! So my boyfriend is losing his hair and he is very distressed about it. So i was thinking that this is really common in men.

So could You please do a Sweet Pea dating a female reader where he is losing a lot of hair, maybe going bald, and Fangs accidentally made him insecure when he saw that Sweet Pea's dad is bald, he told SP that his hair loss is probably hereditary and he couldn't do much to stop it and Sweet Pea feels bad about it because he's been trying differents treatments and none of them are working out, he goes to the reader's house looking for comfort and she hugs him, comfort him and makes him feel better.

I've added it to my list!!

[sunfoxfic]

I’m drawing future/adult designs for the ML characters right now, and I have fairly solid ideas for most of them, but there are a few that I can’t quite picture in my head. For Alya, I’m think of maybe drawing her with natural hair or some sort of hairstyle that reflects the implication that canon present Alya is relaxing it. For Nino I’m thinking of giving him a mustache because I think he was right in Rocketear. But I’m not 100% on the hair, clothes, accessories, details, all that. As the CEO, how do you imagine them looking in the future?

The thing about my characterization of Alya that's so wildly different from basically everyone else's is that I don't think she has a good fashion sense. And there's a healthy dose of projection in there but before you redraw Alya with a cool outfit consider that the most exemplary outfit she has is a short sleeved flannel shirt. That's not a cool shirt. That's a shirt you wear on laundry day, or when you dress like shit every day, and I love that for her.

So I like adult Alya designs that lean a little bit more into the casual side of things. Even when she's dressed business casual for work, I think Alya would be very relaxed — casual, with lots of layers (flannels over T-shirts is a common thing I write her with which is definitely projection), and outfits that are ready to spring into action at any time.

I like the idea of her having short hair! Natural hair with locs or braids would be good for that, I think — lots of time getting it in that style, but once it's styled, it's ready to go at any time and can quickly be adjusted to be put into action or look more formal. I also love Alya who dyes her hair lots of colors.

A lot of adult Nino designs give him facial hair which I love in basically every form, honestly. Goatee? Yeah, that's a man who had a short film in an indie film festival. Full beard? Absolute dad, he deserves it. Pretentious-looking mustache? Alya refuses to kiss him for three weeks. Teenage Nino with super patchy facial hair that he doesn't care to shave? I'm sure it'll grow out in a few years it's fine--

As for his hair..... Look, I'm sure you know that Nino is my blorbo. Everyone needs to know that. So you need to know that I say this with love: I headcanon that male pattern baldness runs in his family. It makes sense! It does! That's why he's so insecure about having his hat on, and why he keeps his hair cut short -- because he thinks it'll bother him less when he loses it.

(It's also worth noting that while I'm not personally affected by it, male pattern baldness does run in my family. The one thing I'd say is that hopefully Nino never looks like my dad did in his and my mom's wedding photos with the ponytail and bald spot all in one. God, Dad, why did you ever grow out a ponytail? What was the point? And tbh my grandpa's ever so iconic combover is another thing Nino hopefully avoids.)

As far as Nino's style goes, I really can't imagine he cares that much. Between the tragedy that is the Bubbler's costume and how freaking low his neckline is, oh and the Christmas special where his "winter outfit" is a vest over his normal outfit, it really doesn't seem like he puts much thought into his clothes. Alya goes for convenience, but it's strategic convenience -- she buys clothes because she knows that not only will they be convenient to wear, but convenient to style. I really do think she could help him with that, but I don't know if he'd ever grow out of day-to-day T-shirts and jeans. (I could see him adopting skinny jeans, though.)

They'd also be a total shoe power couple, which is not projection at all because I HATE that. I own like 3 pairs of shoes fit for regular wearing. But they'd collect shoes and have like special shoe cleaners and resent Adrien for buying adult light up Sketchers. (Okay not resent but...)

As for accessories, that's not really something I think about? I'm not a fan of jewelry so I never remember it for designs lmao. I think they'd both like beanies.