#because it's my supposedly most emotional artist??

[unicorncornflakes]

Dark Desire - Modern AU! | Chapter 12

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Paring: Aemond Targaryen x Niece!Reader

Summary: Aemond doesn't know how he feels every time he sees you. Neither do you when you look at him. Your father Aegon has always been absent from your upbringing ever since he divorced your mother. That role has been filled by Aemond until last summer, when everything changed.

Tags:  Alternate Universe – Modern/ Setting Emotional Hurt/ Comfort/ Drama & Romance/ Eventual Smut.

Warnings: This fic includes  manipulation, violence, death, and inc3st, at some points. Reader has purple eyes and her mother is from Dayne House, the rest is complete free :D

Tag-List (If you wanna be tagged in thi series or all of my work, let me know):  @thedamewithabook @afro-hispwriter @chainsawsangel @thetrueblackheart @atherverybest @itsabby15 @boundlessfantasy @partypoison00 @glame @tempo-rary-fix @tssf-imagines @aaaaaamond @imaloserbby @youngcomputerpuppy @aemondsfavouritebastard @cloudroomblog @queenofshinigamis @bluevxnus @wooya1224 @serving-targaryen-realness @darkenchantress @padfooteyes @mariannnavao @moonlightfoxx @jennifer0305 @ammo23 @iloveallmyboys @tempt-ress @bellameshipper @okfashionista @shelbyteller @dahlias-and-marigolds @the-knights-of-ne @bellaisasleep

Author´s note:  Pls, enjoy! Feedback, shares and comments are always welcome!

Word Count: 5.7K

Acknowledgment: To @ammo23 for the brilliant corrections and the wonderull work as beta reader, for all the patience and the love that always shows to this story. I´m so grateful. Thank you so much :D

“I don't know what we can do. The drunken dragon always accepts our conditions. Always. That Stupid Aegon...” Gerolf Dayne, the oil magnate, the richest man in Starfall and the second richest man in Dorne, just behind the Martells, was smoking a cigar in that meeting room in King's Landing, at one of the most expensive and prestigious law firms in all of Westeros. “If now (Y/N) has stopped having her head on the clouds and wants to study a career, everything is fine with me. It was about time that she stopped those stupid dreams of wanting to be an artist," he took another puff, and Gerold, his eldest son, narrowed his violet eyes, annoyed.

"We have enough money, both us and the dragons, to do whatever she wants," your uncle said, getting up from the seat he occupied next to his father, who presided over the long table in the office. "Let her be what he wants to be; let her do what she wants."

"The only thing that worries me is that she has suddenly changed her mind. If she applied to Sunspear the same day, and then told me she didn't want to go, that she wanted to make a career here, I don't know. It worries me," your mother sighed, defeated, not understanding what was happening to you. You had always been firm in the things you wanted, in what you desired. And now all of them had gone to the capital for an emergency meeting so that they and their lawyers could talk about the conditions they would put in place in this new situation because that's how it had been all your life; conditions and more conditions imposed by the lawyers of one and the other, all imposed looking for what is supposedly best for you, but very rarely taking into account your own wishes. It had been like that all your life, and it would be like that until you finished college.

"It's normal for you to worry. It's your puppy." Gerolf smiled at his daughter; he had always had a soft spot for his little girl, even if she had disappointed him by marrying your father. His little girl had come home, leaving behind a lazy, terrible dragon. However, she had returned with a small setback for his father: You. You weren't a Dayne, you weren't a Targaryen… Did your grandfather love you? Sure, you were like your mother enough that he saw a little copy of his little girl, but he kept feeling like a failure. Had he brought up your mother so badly that she allowed herself to be tricked by your father? "But still, this meeting could have been settled with a fax machine: 'We don't accept dragon terms.' That's all I would have told them."

"I need to see her, Dad. I didn't feel like things were going well the last time I talked to her," your mother emphasized again. Your mother had only received a call from you, in which you had told her that you wanted to stay there, that you were fine, but even so, she had not been convinced. Something was up, and all her alarms had gone off when you told her you would be living at your father's house while studying at the university. That was not something your mother would condone under any circumstances.

"Besides, we have to talk about the question of changing her last name." Your uncle Gerold sat down next to his father, right in front of your mother, after looking out the window. “Before she left, it was what she wanted.”

"What?" your mother asked, surprised, almost worried. Because deep down, she knew that it would kill Aegon. Because deep down, she was still worried about your father, maybe she wasn't in love, but she was still fond of him. "I don't understand you. She has never told me anything like that."

“Well, she and I talked about it several times last year. When she came of age, we discussess wapping Targaryen for Dayne, and we're done with all this crap," Gerold said with a shrug as if it was the most normal thing in the world. Your mother looked at her older brother as if he was telling her something she had never expected, and your grandfather smiled with pleasure.

"I think it's great. After all, the ones who have been in charge of raising her have been us, not the dragons," he answered happily, at least in that you were a Dayne, an authentic girl from Starfall.

“That would break her father,” your mother said, almost afraid to speak, and her father looked at her, raising an eyebrow questioningly.

“Well, Aegon might have thought the same thing when he fucked someone else while he was married to you. He could have thought about your heart…" he said it without any love, almost not believing what he was hearing from his daughter. It was terrible, too terrible. But, just as he was going to continue his speech, the meeting room door opened, and you appeared first, followed by Aemond, who seemed like a shadow of you. Your father followed him, and then Daeron appeared, who was chatting with the lawyer of your maternal family. Your mother was surprised to see you with a necklace of the heraldry of your paternal family, and Gerold smiled cheekily. So, in the end, the one-eyed dragon had fucked you, and that was his cheeky way of naming you as his own? Great.

"Mom", you ran into her arms, and your mother hugged you tight, not wanting to let go because she really didn't want to. She was just worried about you. She would never stop being, but all those changes were too much. Then you greeted your grandfather with a brief kiss. He responded with a loving smile, and again, you ran into Gerold's arms, who hugged you and simply whispered in your ear, "Are you finally flying dragons now?" He winked at you, then shook hands with Aemond, who had followed you across the room as the others greeted each other.

You blushed at his words while the others greeted each other. While Gerold and Aemond were talking, they had always been a good rapport between them even though Gerold called him an asshole behind Aemond’s back, you saw the scene that would mark the rest of your life. Your father reached out like a helpless puppy to your mother becauseif your mother was going to marry another man, your father would never get over it. He would always be in love with his Stargirl and would always live with the burden of knowing that he had destroyed the most beautiful thing he had. Your mother kissed him on the cheek, and Aegon smiled to himself; they exchanged a few more words that made your father smile, and your mother left him without looking back. She just sat in her seat while your father went to the other end of the table. This was what a love that could never be again felt like.

Although you were not physically present during those negotiations, they did involve topics that directly affected you. But this time your mother's family had demanded that you be present; after all, you were already of legal age, and what was said there would begin to mark your adult life.

"How about we sit down?" Your grandfather spoke with the deep voice that characterized him. "I would like to finish before lunchtime, " he said, and all the others sat at the table; at one end, the Targaryen’s; at the other, the Dayne’s. You went to sit next to Aemond when your maternal family's lawyer spoke. The best thing for everyone was that you sat in the middle of the table, without taking sides for any position and where you could not feel pressured by any of the parties. You looked at Aemond and saw his jaw clench, but he said nothing. You just sat in the middle of the table, almost as if you felt that the fight for you was just about to start and that you would always be the victim.

“I think you received our proposal. The one we sent out last night,” Daeron said, taking a seat between his brothers as your mother's lawyer did the same. Gregory Martell, one of the younger sons of Sunspear's owners and your mother's future brother-in-law, had always been devoted to your family's cause. After all, your custody and everything around it had fed his children for the last 17 years.

"Sure. Otherwise, we wouldn't be here," Gregory smiled and cleared his throat as he offered your uncle Gerold and your grandfather a copy of the proposal. Your mother almost seemed left out of the negotiations, but you could tell Daeron was doing the same. The only one with a copy of the conditions was Aemond, while Aegon stared at the ceiling and wiggled his leg in his seat. It seemed that your life had been directed entirely by your uncles and your grandfather as if your parents didn’t have a say.

"First, I'd like to talk to (Y/N) because we've gone from wanting to go to Sunspear to wanting to stay in King's Landing." Your Uncle Gerold put on his reading glasses, the kind he hated to wear in front of people who weren't his own family, but he still did it so as not to lose details of the new contract that your paternal family was trying to establish. "Why?" He looked at you seriously, expecting an argument bigger than the one he already knew. Now you were between Aemond's sheets,and he didn't care, but he needed a more convincing excuse than that. However, just before you spoke, Aemond cleared his throat.

"Why wouldn't she want to stay here? We are her family," he said feeling attacked, and Gerold smiled. Well, it was your boyfriend coming to your aid, but he needed to listen to you, not Aemond. "I think (Y/N) has reached a greater maturity this summer, where she has realized that she can have a bigger and brighter future if she stays at King's Landing College instead of going to Sunspear School of the Arts," Aemond said, almost relishing the stratagem he had concocted that bound you to his side. You looked at him out of the corner of your eye with a sad and indecisive grin, almost as if you felt that he had never liked the idea ​​of what you wanted to do with your life. As if he felt completely in control now of your life as well. You looked at the table under the watchful eye of your Uncle Gerold.

"Okay," your maternal grandfather replied, taking another drag on his cigar. Gerold looked at his father with a frown, almost as if he felt that his father didn't realize what was wrong with you. "Sunspear always seemed stupid to me. A career here will always be much better than five years of studying the arts, which will lead to nothing." You looked at him incredulously, as if you had never expected that from people who loved you, but that meeting was not normal, and neither were the reasons that had led you to be there.

"I don't think Sunspear is stupid," your father spoke, breaking the silence, and your mother followed shortly after.

"Of course not. If that's what you want (Y/N), we're here to support you." Your mother followed your father in her argument, and for the first time,you wanted them to stay together as many things would have changed. Your uncle Gerold sighed, and you saw Aemond's jaw clench again, not daring to look at you. You wondered what was going through his head. "Honey, don't change that decision because others think it's not something with a future", your mother spoke with affection, and your father followed her.

"Exactly," Aegon replied, nodding, and Aemond continued without looking at you. You only saw how he avoided eye contact with you, almost as if he regretted having asked you to make such a selfish sacrifice and that it seemed to be for his only benefit.

"This summer, a lot has happened and... I want to stay in King's Landing," you said in a whisper. "I'll study history and philosophy at the university here and…" your uncle Gerold laughed sarcastically while your mother looked at you incredulously.

“(Y/N), you've never been good at philosophy. I mean, you passed it, but you never got good grades in it," your mother said almost desperately, not understanding what was happening to you. Your uncle looked at you incredulously, almost as if he didn't believe what he was hearing from you.

“Uncle Aemond will help me with the admission and…” you started saying, but Gerold cut you off quickly.

"Aemond, how much do you have to do with this change of heart?" He said it almost as if he was trying to protect you again, as if he didn't like it anymore that you were flying with dragons instead of staying with them. If Aemond was going to control you, Gerold was not going to. He wanted to see you happy, not at Aemond's side, like a nice possession to show off to others.

"It's the only college where I could get her admitted, taking into account that the deadlines are already closed", your uncle put forward as an excuse. He didn't want to admit that it was the career he wanted for you, the hidden dream he'd always had, that you'd follow in his footsteps, that you'd manage to finish the doctorate that he had to give up to take care of the family after his father's death. "It is a good career and a good institution."

"Gods, did we only come here because you managed to sweet-talk her, Aemond?" Your mother sighed almost desperately while your uncle Gerold raised his fingers to his eyes and scratched them hard, almost fed up with that encounter. You had never been in a meeting like that, but you already saw how they were, how they had always been. A continuous fight between two sides that would never reach an understanding. Aemond was about to speak when you lashed out again.

"No, Mom. Really, it's what I want to do," you sighed, defeated; you wanted to stay there, next to Aemond. You didn't want to lose him, you couldn't. You were just freaking out at that meeting. You felt your heartbeat anguished. Why did everyone put you in that situation? "Please, can we continue?" you asked, and everyone in that gathering looked at each other.

"Perhaps, it would be better if you wait outside", Aemond said, addressing you as if you two were alone. You looked the other way, seeing how your mother looked at you confused and your uncle Gerold angry.

"It's okay. I just want to get this over with," you declared tiredly. You hadn't slept all night, and Aemond looked at you desperately, almost as if he was beginning to realize how far he had come in his selfishness.

"At this point, Gregory, bring out the conditions," your grandfather Gerolf spoke again, giving an order to his lawyer. The Martell opened his case taking out a new paper and handing a copy to Daeron and another to Aemond. Your father moved closer so he could read the one he'd given Daeron. Aemond read silently and laid the page contemptuously on the table, slumping back into his seat, utterly jaded.

"Whose brilliant idea was this?" Aemond took out a cigarette and put it to his lips, lit it with his Zippo and puffed on it, exhaling uncharacteristically through his mouth, almost as if he were angry and confused all over again. You were already beginning to understand how he acted every time he felt attacked.

"Mine." Your mother spoke, not looking at Aemond. He could never bear her. Never. The one-eyed man had always been driven crazy by her and on issues that referred to you even more so.

"How not?" Aemond replied, sneering at your mother as if he were the smartest in the room because He felt sorry for the rest, but Aemond Targaryen was superior to any of them.

"Does it bother you that you have to pay for your studies in full or that (Y/N) doesn't stay to live in the mansion?" Gerold came to his sister's defense and spoke, looking at Aemond, holding his gaze, daring him to speak. But your uncle was always talking; he was never silent. Dragons couldn't afford to be.

"I don't mind paying, it bothers me that you want to separate her from us", Aemond reproached your maternal family for that part, angry and furious "It almost seems like what you've always wanted to do. Separate her from what she is: a Targaryen."

“No, what I want is for my daughter to start making her life. Away from anyone who cuts their wings, away from people who always forget her birthdays," your mother replied, remembering that hurt. Her words were so true, but at the same time, so painful that you just wanted to cry while everyone ignored you in the name of your wellbeing. They fought against themselves in a fierce battle in which there would only be one loser.

"I do not agree with this clause," Aemond repeated again, ignoring all your mother's words.

"Me neither", replied your father, offended for the first time with his ex-wife. "(Y/N) is not so bad at home" Your father pushed you into the jaws of the dragon and locked you up without knowing it, thinking that you would be happier that way. You spent all your day with Aemond, and he always saw you happy; why wouldn't you be happy living in his home? He did not understand where those conditions came from.

"Perhaps a good measure would be that since we are going to pay the full amount of the studies, which we do not care about and which we will be happy to do, (Y/N) could live in the family home, as a measure of good faith" your uncle Daeron spoke with his lawyer speech and your mother did not remain silent.

"No, definitely not. We will take care of the cost of the place where she wants to live in King’s Landing, but she will not live with you. I'm sorry, but no," the daughter of the biggest oil tycoon, the woman who had never allowed herself to be tamed by anything or anyone, appeared again on the scene, ready to fight for the happiness of her puppy. "I refuse. We already made the concession that she changed her mind at the last moment, but not that she lives with you. No."

"We want (Y/N) to live where she will be close to the university, to develop as an independent entity, without family ties that can bind you," said Gregory Martell, explaining the wish of your maternal family. They only wanted for you what they had always wanted; that you be yourself, that you develop away from her last name, from your father's last name or from anything that could stop you from being yourself.

They continued arguing, much to your grandfather's chagrin, even after lunch. They continued until night fell. The session was left to continue the next day, waiting to find a solution to your situation. But you realized something, nobody asked you again what you wanted. You only saw your mother scream, Aemond clench his jaw every time she spoke, your uncle Gerold trying to control his sister, and your father staring at the ceiling in despair. That was your happy family, and it seemed that in it, you were nothing. Not a Dayne, not a Targaryen. Nothing.

"Do you have the dress yet?" you asked your mother, both lying in the hotel room that your maternal family had reserved at the last moment when they saw that the negotiations about your studies were dragging on. The two of you had dined alone in her room, although Aemond had taken you there, and he would be in charge of picking you up and taking you back to the family home. You knew that he was waiting for you in the hotel bar. You didn't know if he was patient or not, but at that moment, you needed to be with your mother.

"No, not yet. I would prefer that you come with me to see them, and there is still time," your mother told you, looking at the ceiling. She looked tiredat the end of the day. The truth was that the last thing on her mind at that moment was her wedding. You worried her even more. "You've barely eaten," she commented, looking now at your plate, which you had barely touched. She sat on the edge of the bed, and you followed her.

"It's just that I'm not hungry lately", you commented without much desire to talk. You just wanted to be with her. Having a moment of rest in what was now a roller coaster of emotions.

"If all this change is because of Cregan Stark..." she started to speak, blaming everything that was happening on what had happened with the northerner as if you wanted to stay there just to wait for Cregan to come back. You blushed. You barely thought about him; you would never do it again.

"No, Mom. It's just that I want to stay here. That's all," you replied, looking at the plate with empty eyes. The truth is that you didn't feel like eating, you hardly slept, and you only spent your days at the expense of what Aemond wanted. Was that the life you wanted to lead? No, but you were afraid of losing the person you loved.

"I need to understand why, honey. I need to know," she begged you to know, but you couldn't tell her. You couldn't tell her that you loved Aemond, that you just wanted to be by his side, that you needed him, that he was like the worst drug you were addicted to, that you adored when he undressed you and when he kissed you, that you were dying to be a single dawn away at his side… that you were simply in love.

"You wouldn't understand, Mom", you whispered to her, holding onto your knees, wanting to end the matter. They were all blind. No one saw what was happening, but the necklace that now hung from your neck made your mother begin to flake at an idea that she preferred to bury in the bottom of her heart. It was impossible for history to repeat itself, right?

"Get me the same, and get me the bill" Your uncle Gerold sat next to Aemond, took out his credit card and gave it to the waiter, much to Aemond's annoyance. The dragon narrowed his eye in annoyance. The last thing he wanted to do was talk or just see Gerold after arguing about you all day. Both sitting at the Hightower hotel's bar, Aemond took a silent sip of his whiskey while Gerold drank it in one go until almost finishing it.

"You didn't have to pay for it," Aemond commented, not looking at the Dornishman who now sat next to you.

"That's true. You have much more money than me. The three heads of the dragon came out in that interview," said the son of the oil magnate. His eyes would always seek to provoke Aemond, pushing him almost to his limit, yet this time when Aemond looked at him, Gerold only dank silently.

They both continued in silence for a long time, and Gerold watched with a smirk as Aemond looked at his expensive watch, waiting for you. The amount of time you had already been upstairs seemed excessive to him. Besides, he had decided to give you a surprise. After such a long day, he didn't think about taking you home to sleep. You would go to a hotel, you would make love until dawn, and he would whisper to you what a good girl you were. You always liked that. He took another swallow of his whiskey, why didn't you come down now?

"I don't think she is going to come go down anytime soon if it's any consolation," Gerold answered, seeing him look at the clock desperately. However, he frankly asked what the others refused to see. "How long have you two been fucking?" he asked bluntly, not looking at him, just taking a small sip of his whiskey as if it wasn't him.

"None of your business," Aemond replied, not flustered, not feeling like a monster. He was superior in every way to a man like Gerold. He wasn't going to feel threatened by him, he never would.

"I think at this point where she wants to give up her dreams for you, yes, it ismy business", he replied. His violet eyes locked on Aemond's one-eyed gaze. The dragon averted his eye from Gerold. He felt guilty. Having seen you as he had seen you in that meeting was proof that he would never be a good choice for you. It was too selfish, but he couldn't be without you. He did not imagine it. He could not. It was impossible for him.

"She can't leave King's Landing. She just can't." That was all Aemond told him, unable to say much more. He could never be weak, ever. Next to Gerold, in that bar, that was exactly what was happening, and he didn't feel comfortable with it.

The Dornishman took a swing of his drink and dared to speak. He would be the first and only one who would care about your true happiness. “I have a place, it’s not big nor luxurious, but the most loyal to me serve there," he said, shrugging. "It has a garden, and the main rooms face an inner courtyard where you could fuck her against the balustrade, and no one would ever know. Nobody."

Aemond looked at him in confusion and swallowed. He didn't want to accept his help, never would, and yet he knew you would be happier at Sunspear than you would be at home with him and the rest of the family. Gerold was showing him the perspective of what your life would really be like if you stayed in King’s Landing. You wouldn't eat, how long had you not eaten? You wouldn't sleep. You wouldn't be happy because it was being close to everything that trapped you and didn't let you breathe. Gerold was proposing a solution to both of you, a solution where you could be away from all prying eyes but together at the end of the day.

"You take a plane on Friday afternoon, and you leave on Monday morning. The two of you, in a new place, where you could be more than you are now.” Your Dornish uncle spoke again, wishing he was having an effect on the dragon.

"It's still Westeros," Aemond whispered to himself, taking another small swallow. The Dornishman's words cut deep into his heart. However, he did not trust Aemond Targaryen – he was not a being that could be trusted by anyone. "What do you want in exchange for this?" he spoke frankly since Aemond knew that favours pay off.

"May (Y/N) be happy, may this never be heard of... may the same thing as Rhaenyra not happen to her..." Gerold shrugged, remembering the scandal that had happened so many years ago. "I don't want anyone to find out, ever," he declared, getting up from the seat next to Aemond. "Think about it and leave a good tip for the waiter. You have more money than me," he sneered, leaving Aemond alone with his thoughts, only at the prospect of you being happier than you are now.

"Have you had anything for dinner?" Aemond finally spoke, and you looked at him with a smile, sitting on the terrace of that hotel room where he had taken you that night. You stretched out, your whole body half-naked in front of him, and he just smiled. That was how he liked you, in the moonlight, happy and radiant because you were with him, but something was missing. If you stayed on King's Landing, you would always be missing something.

"My mother ordered some dinner" You smiled at him, and he knelt in front of you, between your legs, and you wrapped your arms around his neck, smiling at him, happy to have a moment like this after so long. "And have you had something to eat?"

"Well, the guy from the bar gave me some sweets with the whiskey", he confessed, knowing that this would make you laugh.

"Nooo, what are you doing eating that? They must have been years old," you replied, laughing and caressing his hair, and he laughed too. He kissed you sweetly, and you followed him, stretching your arms over his shoulders, letting yourself be carried away by such a quiet moment. At the end of the kiss, he just sighed and unhooked your bra, getting goosebumps all over your skin. His touch will always fascinate you. He buried his face in between your bare breasts, and you laughed. Aemond might be held in higher regard than other men, but in the end, they were all equal, and all did the same.

"Go to Sunspear. Never listen to me again when it comes to something that goes against what you want," he whispered to you, and you separated him from your body. You contemplated a surrendered man.

"Aemond..." you started saying, but he interrupted you again.

"I'll come to see you. I would travel the whole world to see you. But don't let me stop what you want to be. I need you to be happy. Much more than I need to be happy myself," he whispered to you again, and you didn't talk about it again. Nevermore. He wouldn't tell you about his conversation with your uncle Gerold, he never would. He wouldn't tell you that he planned to come to see you whenever he could, that in the house that Gerold had offered you, no one would see you, and… for a moment, he was excited at the thought that he could go hand in hand with you in a public place, although that was madness, a simple fantasy. But what do humans not live on, if not fantasies? And Aemond, at that moment, felt closer to men than to gods, despite being a Targaryen.

The next day, the new points and terms of your new change of mind were discussed. It was concluded that you would finally study at Sunspear, that your paternal family would be in charge of paying for the school for the coming years and that your maternal family would arrange everything for you to live in the house with a garden that Gerold had in the capital of the Martells.

Both parties reached the same agreement that they had prior to your previous change of mind, and your mother breathed easier as if that visit had been what you needed, and you smiled happily. The subject of the change of last name was something that was not discussed at that meeting at Gerold's insistence. He had understood that now you were more Targaryen than even your father. After all, you had succumbed to the same thing that all Targaryen’s ended up surrendering, the same taste for their own blood and lineage. But he didn't care, he wanted you to be happy without anyone finding out. And thanks to Gerold, relative peace returned. He would protect you; he would take care of you. However, no one saw how your face changed when you received an unexpected message: Cregan was returning to the capital. And you didn't know what you would tell him now that things would never be the same again.

Aemond remembered blood. He remembered the pain and the scream as he was hit. His mouth tasted of blood. The metallic, iron taste that ran through his throat as he sobbed. His nose couldn't get rid of the unmistakable scent of blood either. Like a deluded child, he thought his eye would be saved as he writhed on the floor. He was a stupid kid. Always  was.

Rhaenyra had no natural children, or at least it was what she always said to end up avoiding the shame of having given birth to three bastard children, who had nothing to do with the cousin she had married to gain the influence of the Velaryon. A fruitful union. In which the three bastard children that Rhaenyra had given birth to had been given as adopted. They had all believed it, or at least they had all pretended to believe it. Even Helaena, who had married one of them to her own nephew, but no one had said anything because they weren't Targaryen blood like them, were they? Hypocrites. They all danced to what Rhaenyra said, but that was another story. Another story that has nothing to do with that child who was writhing in anguish and pain on the floor. Or, perhaps a lot, but that was not what was happening to Aemond now.

Luke had attacked him. Aemond knew the truth as well as they did. That dirty truth that everyone was trying to hide. They were bastards and children of the pure and holy Rhaenyra, although they all tried to hide it, and Aemond was the only one brave enough to have said it out loud, or perhaps the most innocent and sincere of them all.

Still, there had been consequences. He had lost his eye for telling the truth, and it was not the pain of losing the eye that affected Aemond the most. It was afterwards, looking in the mirror, the memory of the hospital room where they had sewn him up, adolescence marked by a disfigured face... and the words of Daemon, his favourite uncle. He had said that he deserved it and had sided with the one who had gouged out his eye, and Aemond promised himself that in an act which one Targaryen had positioned himself against another would not go unpunished. Aemond Targaryen learned to be a vengeful man.

[amywarrel]

Sonny Boy and The Lost Youth - an anime analysis by Amy Warrel

This analysis is enormous. You have been warned.

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The world is confusing. No one knows how to properly navigate it. You’ll get a grasp on it eventually and there might be people to help you out, but one day you might also drift apart. That’s a very sad notion, but it also one that reminds us of one thing: what we lived has value, those memories of old are meaningful and our connections to other people will continue to shape us long after those relations are over. Sonny Boy is not subtle in its commentary about getting lost in the world and society. The characters are all transported to a world in which their school is the whole extent of said world. Everything beyond it is pitch black; you can reach for it, but you don’t know what you’ll be getting yourself into. Inside, teenagers try to make it into a functional society, but are obviously all lacking in resources and life experience to do so. Some people are more talented or stronger than others, and that is enough for social bubbles to emerge. I’m sure most of us can relate to the notion that we are getting left behind, that other people are finding their careers, finding what they are good at, have a decent idea of what their life will be like once they step out of school or even already have a future guaranteed, but we — or I — always feel like the outcast.

As someone who spent their whole teen days knowing the only path I could pursue in life was the path of art — which ultimately led me to turn to literature —, I can highly relate to coming of age stories and the anxiety of stepping into adulthood. I can barely manage adulthood even after having been an adult for supposedly four years and “getting ready” — you eventually learn that school is not as good of a leeway into working life as you were led to expect — for it for many more years, so I can see a lot of myself in these character’s emotions, struggles and decisions.

Nagara is the closest thing to a stand-in for the audience in this show, but has enough of a personality that he does not come out as simply self-insert material. Being an introvert does not mean you don’t have a personality, it just means yours doesn’t come out as much, especially in such a confusing age and place where opening yourself up to others is hard when you don’t know how they will react and harder still when you might not even understand why you feel the way you feel. Nagara’s character is used to talk about others' expectations in a very direct way in a couple of episodes, as well as the importance of social connections, while the “speaking up for yourself'' part is also shared mainly with Mizuho.

I am surprised to see Mizuho not being revealed as a transgender character later in the series, since she is reading Stop!! Hibari-kun! In her first appearance, a 1981 manga about a transgender girl going through school who also turns out to be the daughter of a yakuza, but as it turns out, I simply hadn’t realized that Hisashi Eguchi, the character designer for Sonny Boy, is the author and artist of Hibari-kun. Mizuho is by far the easiest character for me to relate to because of this, because of her relation to cats — I have more than twenty of them, it has gotten out of control, someone please help —, because I would have loved to look similar to her through my teenage days — having come out as a transgender girl myself after over a decade of suffering with gender dysphoria — and because she is just very entertaining to watch on screen. I also love her voice; Yuuki Aoi sounds like she is very close to the microphone when speaking just like how all the other characters are doing, which couples with the anime’s more simplistic art style dedicated to giving each character more distinct facial features instead of just telling everyone apart from their hair color, these being techniques that invite a lot more intimacy from the audience and drags them closer to the characters and, by extension, the themes. Having said that, something about Yuuki Aoi’s voice just entices me. I believe she communicates Mizuho’s melancholic and occasionally smug personality with impressive effectiveness.

Of course, the character’s don’t stand in school for long. The first episode’s arc is a very self-contained one about rules, authority and the dangers of it, in which losing said authority leads a kid to hit another one with a baseball bat in the head. Power is a dangerous thing, it messes with our morals, it makes us scared of risking it and can be used both for good and for evil, even by the same person. Give someone too much power and it’s a matter of time and circumstance until you get yourself a war.

I believe the first episode was presented this way with airing conditions in mind. Sonny Boy overall lands itself incredibly well on the style of episodic storytelling with a narrative and thematic throughline to glue it all together, honestly one of the best I have seen yet in that department. Making a first episode that presents the audience with a simple premise in a restricted environment is a great way to ease the viewer into the story.

That structure gets quickly expanded upon as Nozomi takes a leap of faith towards the unknown world, and all the students now find themselves on a new island and with the information that there are many “This Worlds”. All weird places that no one understands exactly, all connected in some fashion that they are still to uncover, and all of it can be conquered by the kids’ specific powers — talents, as they are thematically shown to be — and give them different rewards that they then have to learn how to use. It is not hard to see what that means: its plot significance is one of adding flavor and mystery to the world to better mark the student’s progress as they peel off the mechanics of these worlds little by little, but its thematic significance is one of putting your talents and skills to use and being rewarded for your work.

However, that is just the first episode and there are eleven more to go. Yes, I’ll be going through this commenting “briefly” about what stood out to me in every episode, which I never do, but this anime is an exception and it deserves it. Full on spoilers from now on, you have been warned.

Each episode deals with a couple of different themes but there are always one or two clearly main ones. The series is more interested in discussing these themes in its surreal world than properly grounding every facet of the worldbuilding, which is totally unnecessary once you are shining so many lights on the relevance of the themes above everything else. Yes, the anime has a lot of small little mechanics the characters need to understand about each world, but these mechanisms are generally intrinsically tied to the theme of each world, so don’t expect the type of worldbuilding we are used to seeing. It is not important that we know everything about the island, how far apart things are and where everything is being built, it is more important that we understand how the characters react to their environment and how they communicate — or attempt to — through said world.

Episode two, for instance, leads to the canonical creation of cryptocurrency by everyone’s dearest Rajdhani, but really the important aspect of it is commenting on how a society gets formed à la Lord of the Flies. There are other elements to this episode, such as Mizuho having to speak for herself as I commented earlier, the fact that value is attached to things by our own decisions and how this value can be altered through the means in which these things are obtained, but episode two is still primarily about introducing Mizuho’s character and her struggles with being a kid who wants to be more than just a kid.

I particularly love the fact that at no point does the plot judge Mizuho for having a crush on her teacher. That sort of stuff happens. She can’t be blamed for developing feelings for a figure she sees as a guiding light in a twisted world. We are very clearly led to understand that she decided to wear a ring not because she was in an actual relationship with him, but because she saw that as a stating of her own maturity. Other characters later bring attention more than once to Mizuho’s emotional dependency, it used to be put at least partially on her teacher, but because of the blackmailing she suffered and the circumstances of being stranded, that then turned exclusively to her cats. And I ask again: can she be blamed for it? No, she can’t, and I appreciate the writing for being self-aware enough to understand that and respect her character instead of turning this into what could have been a generic villainization of teen sexuality. Please note that I am only talking about her emotional dependency and her having a crush on her teacher, I am not saying that actually being involved in a romantical and or sexual relationship with a teacher is ethical, especially considering that Mizuho is sixteen years old.

One of the great things that fantastical elements in a story allows is the literalization of metaphors. Episode three does this by using a rule that makes recluse people totally isolated within a pocket dimension of endless black curtains, all connected to each other through gaps in these curtains, meaning there is a way for them to communicate with each other. In this dimension they are all doing what they want to be doing: one guy is livestreaming Pacman, there is one buff dude that only wants to work out and a girl that is sewing multiple stuffed toys… you get the idea.

Society isolates people and that should be a given in any system created by humans. There is simply too much idiosyncrasies in our relations and personalities and it would be goddam boring if everyone was the same. Of course it can get to a point where it is detrimental to the isolated person, but that begins as a way to cope with our inability to communicate with people we feel we should be able to communicate with — because everyone else does, apparently — and our interests and passions not being well-seen or simply really hard to turn into a living. Who wouldn’t like to live in a world in which subsistence is a given and we can do whatever we want and repeat our hobbies for as long as we can stand them because we enjoy it?

Some aspects of Sonny Boy’s multiple worlds can maybe be related to the concept of a noosphere: a state of evolution defined by our consciousness, mental activities and interactions with other people, it is both above and ahead of the geosphere and the biosphere and envisions a world in which Earth is essentially a super-organism and there is a layer of consciousness and information enveloping it all. I am not claiming to be an expert on the matter and maybe the creators weren’t even trying to pursue this idea in particular — seen in the fact that they like mentioning Robinson Crusoe, so you could expect then to mention the noosphere —, but the many This Worlds in the story are described as playing with consciousness and the mind. Also, in a noosphere humans would be united enough to be able to deal with global problems and Earth can self-regulate itself, which these Worlds do by their own set of rules. I’m sorry if anyone has studied this and if I said something wrong about it.

Going back to episode three, it keeps pulling the thread of commenting about isolation with things such as no one noticing these people’s disappearance except those in direct interaction with then and these people might not even go looking for the missing ones, which is certainly how most people I know describe the feeling of being depressed and the notion that no one understands them. It also has some very direct commentary about our capitalist society through reflecting on the fact that the blue flames of the island take everything away from you that you haven’t paid for and with Mizuho complaining about people wanting to be friends with her power — what she can do —, instead of with herself — who she is. It is not a particularly complex exploration of the individual's relation with capitalism and their worth in it, but at least it is something.

This episode also turns Nagara and Mizuho into a duo, which is something we are going to see a lot more of through the remaining episodes. You get the drill: they fail to communicate, fight, then manage to properly communicate — which goes hand in hand with the episode’s theme of isolation caused by an inability to communicate — and solve the issue together, yadda yadda, we have seen that before. It is executed competently and makes sense within the story, but Sonny Boy is not a non-stop flow of impressive big ideas and unexpected twists and turns leading to their incredible solution, it is that just most of the time.

Episode four then comments more directly about how talent can distance people. That is a recurring theme through the whole show, but in this episode we see a story about an ape who wanted to play baseball, but could not because of the physical liability of only having one arm, but that did not stop him from loving the sport and ending up as an arbiter, however he was seen as the common person, relegated to a background position while other, more talented and successful people shine in the spotlights, leading him to be killed by an enraged crowd for standing up to his sense of justice. Before that all the apes were indistinguishable, having to stand out on the basis of their prowess, while some people are like the blue ape, clearly different and talented enough to steal everyone’s attention and moments to shine, which leads him to forget his origin as the target of prejudice and causing harm to another victim when the goal of being perfect becomes more important than enjoying the moment and the success he already has. Ace then goes on to say that the arbiter’s death was fair because there are common people who drown other’s talents — referring to his talent and Nagara causing him to lose an important game back when they played baseball —, but of course he is totally wrong in this. Loving something and having a competitive mindset about it can blind people sometimes and Ace does not realize this, while Nozomi, being by far the most conscious of her surroundings and constantly having insights about the other kids' psychology everytime the “camera” zooms in on her eyes, is the first one to call attention to the fact that the impressive ape in the whole story is the arbiter, for standing up for himself against everyone knowing that he would be seen as the enemy.

I know most of what I just said is spelled out in the episode, but since I am committed to reviewing the whole show I have to mention these details, because Sonny Boy constantly builds upon the themes of the last episode in the next one instead of just going for unrelated yet interesting themes or repeating the same ones like I feel other shows I don’t resonate with very strongly often do.

Nagara is also shown to not have enough control of his own power to determine where he wants to go. We find out that he can only travel to other This Worlds and not back to their original one. I believe Nagara to be the carrier of this power because he is just enough of a blank-slate to fit virtually anywhere while also not feeling like he belongs in any of them, having no clear goal in life and thus not wanting to go to any place in particular, drifting through whatever comes his way. Sure, he can bring other people with him, but it’s not as if he is going to any one place.

We end this episode with the introduction of Aki-sensei, someone the kids recognize as being one of their teachers back in the real world. Aki-sensei immediately tells them that the fun and games have ended and that there is no way to go back to their original world. While a lot of what she says is put to the test later on, Aki turns out to be a figure of authority manipulating these kids and creating even more distinction between the groups, managing to bring every single person that would be willing to trust a figure who is supposed to know what she is doing while the other groups are made of the students that want to find that out for themselves. Her primary target for manipulation is Asakaze and everything that was needed for him to trust her was hearing that he was special, that he deserves special attention and that he has a special future. Again, this is dealing with the psychology of people receiving power and status, in this case especially by someone who he sees as having a better grasp on reality and thus making her words all the more meaningful.

As soon as the sides are clearly divided conflicts start emerging faster and it doesn’t take long until we see three separate groups being formed. That is expected to happen whenever there is a society, especially when it starts to grow and people gravitate towards others similar to them and in whom they believe in. Aki-sensei is not right in her manipulations by any stretch, but her presence merely accelerates an ongoing process. The meaning of Aki-sensei in the story changes a bit once when we find out she is actually not Aki-sensei but another student playing as her, changing what was a figure of authority manipulating kids in vulnerable positions to being one of those kids, just as lost or even more lost than the others, pretending to be a figure of authority who understand the world better than they do and presenting it as necessity of maintaining the status quo while framing the other kids as potentially dangerous precisely because they are trying to lay change upon the world. Knowing all of this, it is no surprise what their actions later escalate into.

One of the most interesting ideas the anime introduces is in episode six, where they find a world that is a giant cinema filled to the brim with records from Nagara’s perspective. It fits his character considering Nagara is used to spending his days as simply an observer that takes no action and the way the mechanics are played with are interesting. What if we edit the records? What if we play it backwards? It doesn’t really matter how much this amounts to, the questions are interesting enough by themselves. Not all changes made to the films actually happen, even if Nagara is present, this probably means that not everything done to the films will actually change his perception of reality. If it is something that he can’t imagine happening or doesn’t have enough suspension of disbelief to accept, then it likely doesn’t affect the real world.

Yamabiko is a particularly interesting addition to the cast: a once student turned dog who has lived for five thousand years and finally gives us some answers, claiming that the reason the drifting happens is because their principal is God, explaining that only the school and students can get adrift and that it only happens with people from the same school they went to, no matter the time in which that happened. Though there is not much that can be said about Yamabiko and the themes revolving around his character before the episode dedicated to expanding on his background, he is still a fun and mysterious character that shares good synergy with Mizuho. He does, however, say that the kids from the current drifting still have time to go back. Our experiences through a structure like school and our teenage days shape us and once we step outside of it, we aren’t the same as when we first stepped in. Since the perception of reality is an important concept in this episode, then this means that if we changed, then the world itself changed, because our reality is simply how we see it. Nozomi, for instance, keeps talking about her compass and the light she believes will guide them home, but we don’t have to actually see that light to believe her. Yamabiko on the other hand simply can’t go back, because he has lost too much and been around for too long, to the point where he doesn’t even fit the actual real world he was used to.

My favorite part of episode six is when Nozomi is talking about how she doesn’t want to walk down the safe paths people have told her about just to think “Ah, good going.” That’s not what life is for her. Nozomi is a very brave and insightful person and she wants to do what she wants to do, she is a free spirit that can appreciate the present more than all the other kids. She can get anxious and scared, but that is precisely why she does it. Nozomi wants to feel, wants to live and wants to take risks. Honestly I would like to be a little bit more like her, but I’m simply not brave enough.

Hoshi’s White Knight Syndrome is also brought to the forefront in this episode. He knew the school was going to go adrift and that is why he went to school that day, because he wanted to help these people, but this is not presented as simply altruism. Hoshi had always been drawn as creepy and scheming if not necessarily evil, but as we also find out, this desire of him to help others does not exist because he actually wants to help them, but because he has a god complex and wants to be a savior. Meaning, he’s going about it the wrong way.

Episode seven is my least favorite of the bunch simply because it was the first to come out as too heavy-handed to me. You see, a lot in fiction boils down to promises and payoffs. The ending of episode six and the entirety of episode seven gave me the impression that the series was going into another direction, having the newly discovered plot about castaways that have been adrift for longer wanting to punish Nagara for ruining their lives take a more prominent place in the story. Don’t take me wrong, I’d much rather this current story that the anime has, but it did gave me the feeling that that was the promise being made for the long run, that this was the direction it was taking and by the ending of episode seven I was expecting it to turn into something similar to “us against the government”, so finding out that was not the case was both a relief and a confusing moment. Even after watching the episode again to try and judge it in a different light already knowing how the story ends, my view on this hasn’t changed.

This doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate anything that episode seven does, of course. Sonny Boy frequently calls attention to Nagara’s personality and the need to speak up for himself, but it is never offensive about it. Koumaru reaches the conclusion that Nagara can’t be blamed for drifting them and Yamabiko notes that God gave him that power with the intention of it being used for the drifting, which also means he can’t be blamed for being who he is since that power is so rooted in his personality. He can get more out of life by forming connections with people, but we don’t need to scorn him for that until he learns his lesson.

The world turned upside down is still a neat idea even if I don’t think it is used to as satisfying a conclusion as most of the other episodes do. It explores the idea of a stagnant society that makes its workers believe that they are changing it, no matter whether they believe it or even know what exactly they are supposedly doing, giving them a blind hope to help cope with their trapped situation. Since Sonny Boy constantly pulls threads from previous episodes it is pretty easy to relate this to Nozomi’s phrase of not wanting to walk down the safe path in life.

All it takes for Nagara to flip the world upside down is to take a step away from the safe spot. I get the message, but I feel like it is slightly too simplistic. Sometimes this anime does not deliver in the themes department as well as I would have liked, but thankfully the strength of the main characters is enough for me to see that as just a minor nuisance.

Episode eight, on the other hand, is among the amazing ones and it does a lot more for the characters and tone than any episode honestly even needs to in order to be satisfying. We jump from present to past as Yamabiko tells his sad story. In the present they are traveling along with Nagara, Mizuho and her cats, but the framing always keeps us close to the characters instead of zooming out to show the scenery, which is great to shorten the distance between audience and characters, hyperfocusing this episode in the people we are seeing and leaving the exploration of the world to the side for at least one episode. The muddier color design and music also helps a lot in keeping this episode tone-perfect all the way through.

The reason why I find this episode to be genius is because of how Yamabiko’s story recontextualizes the characters of Nagara and Mizuho. Yamabiko was a shut-in who simply crawled his way through life just like Nagara, but to a much more intense degree that leads him to completely isolate himself, instead of trying but not managing to speak up like how we see Nagara often doing, leading to a point where Yamabiko reacts violently to try and scare people away. He also brings attention to Mizuho’s emotional dependency by increasing that to the point where he turns into a dog to follow the lead of someone he trusts more than even himself, and it is these two things combined that eventually leads to the ruin of the people around him and himself.

Episode eight is primarily about ignoring your problems until it is too late. Yamabiko’s power gives him the ability of manifesting his mental state, this being the reason why he turned into a dog, but also being the reason why the epidemy hits Kodama and her friends. I don’t think it would be right to call these kids the new family Yamabiko has found, because his interactions happen almost exclusively with Kodama, being the pure guiding light — probably even motherly figure, since her power is called “M”, I know that might mean "Manipulate" or something, but we also know that Nagara has an issue with his mother who is herself a shut-in that doesn’t leave the house — so that he needs to go through life without thinking, leaving all his worries and objectives for someone else to decide. Thus, he is walking the “safe path” mentioned before.

The anime is clearly self-conscious about all of this, since not only do the personalities of these three characters relate in such a direct way, but also because we see Nagara saying he relates to it, while Mizuho starts the episode more playful and smuggy like we know her to be, but then gets quieter with every interlude to Yamabiko’s story. I have praised the anime for respecting its characters until now, but it is an even greater thing that it is willing to bring attention to how dangerous their paths can be. I agree with the message of following your own path and being yourself, but I am also not naive enough to pretend that all is well when it isn’t and, even taking in the fact that we all want to live our successful lives doing what we love, the world is not fair or simple enough to simply allow that to happen without any sort of friction. There are aspects of us that have to be fought against just like there are aspects of the world around us that we should fight against.

Since I mentioned music and tone, I want to take a short while to talk about the production of Sonny Boy. The reason why this anime feels like so much of a breath of fresh air is because it is almost 100% pure 2D animation, with as little post-processing and CGI as is possible. I’m not saying there isn’t great animation out there, but it honestly boggles my mind when I see so many people sharing sakuga moments from anime like Fate or Demon Slayer where half the screen is drowning beneath post-processing, artificial light from above to make every frame feel epic and world-defining and tons of CGI even if it is great CGI. I don’t want to sound like an elitist, I can enjoy those things for what they are, I’m not saying that CGI and post-processing have no place in the industry nor am I saying that the shows mentioned here are poorly produced, but every now and then I want to watch something different instead of having the feeling that every anime that ever comes out is trying to do the same thing to various different levels of success. I am eternally grateful to the team behind Sonny Boy for deciding to go with this style of production because it fits the tone of the series so much better then if it was trying to be flashy in its presentation.

Something else that I really like about the production is how the music is kept quiet. There are exceptions — especially in the last few episodes — for example in the more montage-like scenes, but generally the tracks are kept distant, while the character’s voices are kept closer, rarely having distractful lyrics, leaving the presentation and dialogue to pull most of the weight. What this also does is it keeps it from ever getting repetitive. Sometimes anime — especially more action-centered anime — will play the same tracks over and over again to the point where they run the risk of not being iconic and memorable, but also redundant and annoying. I’m not going to pretend I’m an expert in the matter, but Shouji Hata, the sound director for Sonny Boy, worked on a ton of really popular stuff, some that I even distinctly remember liking the soundtrack — such as Vinland Saga and Log Horizon —, so, if I can interpret the production this way, I also believe that a professional who has probably been working in the industry for longer than I have lived can do all of this intentionally.

Now proceeding to episode nine, this is one I’m not so hot on either. The highlights are everything related to the cats, of course. I did not expect them to start turning into actual characters — even if very simple ones — and it adds an extra layer of charm and comedy to their interactions.

I definitely enjoyed it more the second time through, knowing where the series ends and paying more attention to Asakaze’s and Nozomi’s interactions, but the overall plot and complexity of the themes just doesn’t hold up in my mind.

Aki-not-sensei wants the power of the twins, but only one of them. Since they are both the same person, this means that she only needs a part of the person being manipulated, everything else can just be thrown away and does not add up to your value — this is interesting to think about if you remember that Aki keeps pretending like she is saving the world and reducing the values of individuals she doesn’t need and overestimating others to do her deeds.

The twins are fighting over the fact that one of them has a single strand of hair more than the other. Clearly the point of this is that people overestimate the worth of some things only to pretend like they are better than others — and if these are the same people, then it can be seen as him not being able to deal with the fact he is not perfect by externalizing it into an enemy. Their power to reverse everything makes them forget the whole fight and they end up fighting eternally because you can’t simply go back, your experiences change you and nothing is accomplished by trying to go back to square one as if nothing had happened, he has to accept his own flaws and not try to reset everything to zero, but do things differently with the knowledge and experiences he gained on the way. Aki of course gets to him before he can realize any of this and the result is that by killing a part of himself, he kills the whole.

Maybe I would enjoy this episode more if it had been done with a character we already knew. Sonny Boy focuses its characterization in the four main faces of the show while leaving other characters very superficial and using them almost exclusively to explore themes. While I don’t think you can criticize the fact that the secondary characters aren’t that fleshed out since this anime is trying to do twenty times more things than most anime are, I still felt like bringing a wholly new character for this episode ultimately hurt the effectiveness of the message more than it did any other episode.

There are two characters in this show who try to mimic God: Asakaze and Hoshi. In episode 10, we see Asakaze being tricked yet again by Aki, who takes him to see the principal — God — who asks him to kill War, the character we met in Yamabiko’s flashback. Kossetsu — who we find out has the ability to read other people’s thoughts — convinces Nozomi to come along. Kossetsu loves Asakaze, but he loves Nozomi, so she wants Nozomi to help change him to a state where he might end up at her feet. Obviously, only tragedy could come from this.

Asakaze was so obsessed with the concept of a great mission reserved to him that he allowed himself to be manipulated by Aki and ended up losing sight of everything that doesn’t relate to pursuing Nozomi. He confessed to her, but got rejected because she couldn’t respect him. Asakaze then says that he was probably obsessed over her because he felt like he could never be as strong as her. At this point he realizes he should let her go, and, after conquering the world “War”, he actually manages to create death when Nozomi falls off the cliff and into the nothingness at the bottom of war, not managing to save her because as it turns out, his power is spontaneously activated. He did not want Nozomi anymore, therefore he couldn't use his powers on her. Asakaze’s power was born out of his need to keep everything and everyone at his reach. God definitely knew this and tricked him along with Aki.

The War we saw in Yamabiko’s past was still walking around, but the one we meet here is completely empty, falling to the bottom of a deep gorge yet never actually reaching it even though there is one; stagnant. Only Asakaze can bring him to the ground and his reward for that is a weapon.

War is a manifestation, a world himself, and conquering him grants you with the power to kill. There is a chance he was even tricked by God as well, since he was killing people before Asakaze, but God of course never bothered with telling him that death is a phenomenon that can happen there under specific circumstances. Since we find out that the drift was caused by the combination of Nagara, the cats and Mizuho all using their power unwillingly; Nagara creating worlds, the cats copying the kids and Mizuho putting them all in stasis because she doesn’t want to see anyone die, then conquering the world “War” gave them a power that could go against Mizuho’s power.

I like the way the world “War” is presented, as a hard to climb mountainous area that is then abruptly interrupted at the top by “a gorge that goes down forever, but the bottom is crimson.” The fall is the only thing you can expect after warring and whatever lies at the bottom of it is not going to be good. It stretches forever and is a wound delivered in the world itself. It might take time, but it will take its toll.

There might be more to be said about the imagery of War in this episode, but honestly this is all I’ve got.

Episodes eleven and twelve are a two parter to end this amazing ride. As you can expect to happen after Nozomi’s tragic end, the next episode is dedicated to mourning her loss and dealing with themes of grief and death. It is both heartbreaking and heartwarming. I had a slightly hard time breathing through the entire montage opening of Mizuho and Nagara honoring their friend and seeing how far their friendship has come. It hurt seeing both of them cry, it hurt seeing two people seeing their friends crying at their side at different moments of the episode without knowing what to do about it. And, above all, it hurt seeing Mizuho say goodbye to her cats.

Years of trauma and emotional suppression rendered me completely incapable of crying out of emotion, so every story that gets me even close to it surprises me. Last time I “cried” was recently and there was but a single tear, I can’t even remember how many years it was since the last time that I actually cried my heart out, with sobbing and sniffing and stuff. Fiction is what helps me deal with this, and I’m goddamn grateful to Sonny Boy for being on the list of stories that got me close to crying.

As my favorite author — Steven Erikson — once said, “Grief is not something you overcome, but something you get used to carrying the weight of.” I might be paraphrasing that, but you get the idea. We might not see Mizuho and Nagara for long enough after Nozomi’s death to see the full repercussions of this, but we know they are going to carry the weight of everything they lived in these two years adrift for the rest of their lives.

After ten episodes commenting about how things are hard to change, we finally begin seeing some clearer changes in these last few episodes. It began with Nozomi’s death, but we also see how Yamabiko has now completely turned into a dog and doesn’t speak anymore. We see how Rajdhani’s gaze has changed and he reflects on the fact he is growing more apathetic with time. He tells us the story of a man who could not accept reality and would create images of his home and his girlfriend that were not accurate at all, trapping himself in the made-up ideal world of his mind, which relates to the relationship between Asakaze and Nozomi.

Rajdhani also tells us the story of a student obsessed with the idea of creating “death”. Perhaps this can also be interpreted as a character trying to mimic God, since he is trying to create something that was previously impossible . First time through I was sure this was Hoshi, but it is very clearly War, my bad on that. We get the information that he conducted experiments in death and suicide and can assume that he got his badges from that. He created death by rendering his identity completely void, having no desires, no reactions, no emotions and no opinions. He created death by going against everything that defines a person, becoming a mere shape.

As Rajdhani puts it, “Life is an endless exercise in vain effort. But it’s precisely because it’s meaningless that I think the brilliance of this moment in life is so precious. Because that one moment belongs to that person alone.” Ultimately, the message of Sonny Boy is wholly positive. It is realistic enough to recognize the worst parts of life and it does not pretend everything will go right simply because we want it to, but it also finds it important to remind us that, once again, everything we have lived up until that moment is what has shaped us and thus has value. We don’t have to change the world, we just have to find a place to belong in it. Nozomi’s will still lives on, her compass still points to the light, unwavering in its determination, and her mark in the world and in her friends will long outlive herself.

And in episode twelve, we get the confirmation that Nozomi had always been right. The light had been there all along, she was the only one who could see it because she was the only one who's outlook on life matched what the story is trying to convey. It takes an astronomical effort to even get there because that is how much time they lost and enduring how much the world is going to strike you down is no easy thing. They only manage to do so with the combined efforts of Nagara, Mizuho, her cats, Rajdhani and Asakaze — handing them another compass, presumably the original one. But, even after getting to the light, there is this one beautiful scene where they are only able to capture the light by the efforts of Mizuho’s and Nagara’s hands. I always found it interesting that “light” was used for the analogy of the path in life. I mean, try to grasp a light like how Nozomi was doing. She could only reach it, but could never quite hold it, at least not alone. It is light, after all, and it will slip right between your fingers.

The last episode gave me a twist in the stomach when it felt like Nagara and Mizuho weren’t going to talk, but thankfully it was just them having a hard time talking about it. We get to see glimpses of what their life is going to be from now on: Nagara getting a shitty job — yo that’s relatable, kind of —, Mizuho’s grandmother having passed away, Nozomi and Asakaze ending up in a relationship in a world in which they can respect each other. Well, now that I think about it, I don’t think anything that they do in this last episode proves that they are dating, but they are clearly in better terms than their copies that went adrift. If the copies are still adrift and those are the parts of them as people that conflicted with each other, then this original version is the one where things went better for them.

In the past, Nagara ignored the dying bird. Now he cares about the birds that have lost their mother — you could say they are stranded just like the kids were —, but Nozomi had already thought about that and took the only surviving one with her, deciding to taking care of it until it is able to fly by itself, instead of trapping the bird and not allowing it go where it needs to go in life. This interaction shows us that Nozomi is still one step ahead, still striding forward in life and doing what she believes is right. She might not be exactly the same Nozomi we know, but her essence is still the same. Yet again, I wish I could be a little bit more like her.

I am also pleased to see Nagara and Mizuho not turning into a couple. This would have come off as weird and even thematically inconsistent I would say. Since Nagara and Nozomi never ended as a couple, then him ending up with Mizuho would send the message that she was the second option, or maybe that he was looking for the wrong person in Nozomi. The point is, either of these options would have diminished the characters. If they ended up as a couple, then a short arc where they learn to respect each other and brings attention to the morality of Nagara being suddenly romantically attracted to her after finding out Nozomi is with Asakaze would have been completely necessary not to break their dynamic. Either way, I’m much more satisfied with their current friendship than I would have been if any of these characters ended up feeling like a trophy.

I don’t think there’s much more to be said, at least not now. Sonny Boy is about and trying to say a lot of stuff, much more than most anime I watch are, and it accomplishes that in a shorter runtime than most do as well. I barely mind the fact that secondary characters are abandoned or that not every episode is tone-perfect. I didn’t expect it to be and neither does it have to. While I can obviously appreciate several different kinds of stories, my tastes are always changing and I am slowly becoming aware of some elements shared between most if not all of the stories that are connecting with me on a personal level in the past few years. While I would not dare to reduce this anime to a single theme after having said all of this, I just wanted to share one more idea: this story is about the loss of innocence, but it does not end there with a negative outlook on life, it takes the extra step of being about hope for the future and acceptance of our past; acceptance, not surrender.

I’m pretty sure I have told someone that I wish I had watched this anime when I was eighteen or something, thinking that it would have been fundamental in forming my outlook on life — pretty sure it would have lead me to take on the nickname of Sonny Girl as well once I accepted my dysphoria, wait… I actually like how that sounds… — but I take that back. Stupid-ass eighteen years-old me would not have been able to appreciate it the way my current jaded one can. And that is fine, at least that is what Nozomi would try to teach me.

I ended up having a lot more to say than expected while also feeling like there was a lot more to be explored.

Of course, I can't score this anything else besides a 10/10.

Oh, and sorry for the heavy usage of em-dashes — I love these things.

[beesmygod]

Referring to your additional last post where I believe you are saying that exhausting yourself with tricky social media is not worth the effort as you will be in the same spot you "began" - I would like to know if you feel satisfied with the balance of your output and the response. I always told myself that if I ever make anything that supposedly would interest some people I have yet to meet that I would be satisfied and would be able to do it for just the joy of friends. But I have befallen ill to the call of clout, the lack of numbers having deemed my art worthless and I know many artists quit due to it. I have friends/associates who keep their heads up until in a bad moment they break and lament that they are not where others (popular artists with big clout and opportunity) are. Did you manage to free yourself from that? Or are you supressing it and turn out stronger than most? Because from the looks of everything you are exceptionally strong. I hope your relationship with your art and comic will be met with the same strength. (Apologies for going on Anon - I do not know how to communicate with people nowadays)

no need to apologize for any of this, ever. honestly, it's a difficult to breach subject and a prods at raw nerve that every artist has to tend to at LEAST once at some point. and i think you would have to be superhuman not to feel this complex mixture of contradictory emotions and grapple with it frequently. you want to be seen and heard because that's what art is. why deny the truth: artists crave a sympathetic audience!

remember that you're a human person. you're complex and contradictory by nature; you contain multitudes. you can want multiple things at the same time. it's not a crime to yearn or to express frustration with feeling invisible or underappreciated. i just did this for a week straight lol. i think part of an artistic career is having to face some of this head-on and interrogate yourself. feel the bad feelings. get rejected over and over. it is a career comprised of constant rejection for nearly everyone. and it's extremely hard to put on a happy face and jump back in day after day.

and look, sometimes you lose the battle with yourself for your soul. give yourself the grace when you realize you have. try and learn from it. or don't. it dont mattah. none a dis mattahs

when it comes to numbers, you have to ask yourself: what number will make you happy? when will it be enough to satisfy you? this sounds really confrontational lol but imagine im asking these like "where do you see yourself in the next 10 years?". it's worth interrogating. you do not want to fall into the pit of trying to fill a hole with numbers.

i am absolutely not free of it. not even close. i am shocked to hear that i appear strong given how i feel and behave on any given day. its just a combination of avoidance, suppression, and keeping expectations low. the mantra is: you cannot be rejected if you don't apply, emotional outbursts are like blood in the water to people who dislike you, and expect to be ignored; if you aren't then it's a pleasant surprise.

[xray-vex]

here are some of my really general a/i predictions, re: art --

techbro types who want to generate bullshit as a get rich quick scheme will saturate the market and nobody will want their worthless shit, they'll get bored and move onto the next get-rich-quick trend. remember nfts? lol

people who got into a/i because they thought it was a legit way to make art will get bored of it because it won't challenge them to do anything & it will not be gratifying in the long term - those types will either: 1.) quit or 2.) start making actual art

people who buy art will get sick of looking at a/i generated shit that essentially all looks the same. real artists making real art will get more interest again because it will seem new and exciting.

same thing with films & stuff too. i definitely think that various actors & creators guilds & other creative industry unions should do everything they can to protect their art & craft against being outsourced to a/i, but i do think that people who watch films will get sick of a/i in films the same way people got weary of CGI overuse in films. a/i in film might not go away completely, but audiences will absolutely be drawn to films that don't use a/i.

i think the basic gist of what i'm trying to say is that human beings need actual art, and the vast majority of people don't fully, actively realize how interwoven art is to literally everything in their lives. on some level they must know, because when it's missing, they miss it. they seek it out. art in general is important to the fabric of society: storytelling, entertainment, community, emotional fulfillment, etc. and people want something real, tangible. they want something created by humans.

****this is why, i'm guessing, that fan art & fan fiction are so popular. most people who create those sort of works are doing them for the actual love of what they're making. and then those works create community. humans have been sitting in groups to tell each other stories and to express themselves visually & dance together with music forever. for literally ever. all of human history. literally all. art is the fucking foundation of society, civilization, human evolution. to make art & to experience art, to some degree, on some level(s). non-negotiable. essential as food and water. i'm dead serious.

a couple of examples of similar times that tech threatened to make the "real thing" obsolete, but failed to do so:

e-readers were supposedly going to make print books obsolete -- they didn't.

streaming music services helped usher in a renewed desire for physical media again.

for awhile, both of those things did kill a lot of brick & mortar music/book stores, but there has been a bit of a resurgence and lots of small businesses.

and no, things will never go back to the way they were, but things would have changed regardless, capitalism being what it is.

it would be nice tho, wouldn't it, if digital tech presented augmentations to our need to have art in our lives constantly, instead of threatening to replace them completely?

i'm just going on pure vibes here & from what i know about art & being an artist for 35+ yrs, some tech & aesthetics philosophy, and from having worked in retail books & music/dvd sales many moons ago. so i could be completely full of shit here.

but i do have some hope that things re: a/i will get better for people -- for real, working artists & authors & musicians & performers & creators. humans need art the way they need food and water. this has always been true for the entirety of human existence.

i'm just sort of in my thoughts & feelings about art tonight and felt like rambling about it.

now i'm gonna make more tea.

[janearts]

How do you get your art/character interactions to be so expressive and organic? I've loved your art and ocs for years and keep coming back once in a while to skim through your Dragon Age and Elder Scrolls art to get inspired, so I wondered if you did specific art studies to get to where your art is right now?

Thank you for the compliment! I've got three answers (or exercises) for you and you can take them as you like 'em underneath the cut.

They are in order from Most Annoying to Most Pleasing.

The Noble Still Life

My parents threw me into art classes at around 6 years old. I don't mean to imply that that somehow makes me a better artist out of the gate--it truly doesn't--but it does mean that I've been doing still life studies for a sad but significant portion of my life. And as much as I hate drawing stupid fruit arranged with other stupid shit on stupid pieces of fabric, still life studies were really helpful across the board and especially with developing a sense of how shit works. ... Even if I go on to blissfully ignore what I've learned and draw fabric folds however the hell I want and put shadows wherever I damn well please.

The Ye Olde Master Study

As part of secondary school, we were also trotted out to local museums and parks and whatnot and told to just... have at it. So a lot of my sketchbooks from that time are filled with studies of library-lion-this and portrait-of-supposedly-important-man-that. Then, back in class, we were asked to imitate the old masters. Old Masters studies are really fucking fun and some of my favourite commissions have started out with phrases like "Can you recreate this Benjamin Constant painting but with my character as Empress Theodora?" or "How about a different Constant painting of Theodora?" I also do master-ish studies with my own digital paintings, like this one of Samson and this one of Bree. I think it's a fun exercise because it pushes me out of my comfort zone even if the end result doesn't look all that sophisticated or much like the original.

The Desperate Scribbles of the Human Form~

I should put gesture drawings and anatomy studies before master studies because in theory you need to know how to draw bodies before you start trying to paint in imitation of Caravaggio. (Now that I think about it, a deep knowledge of fruit is also essential to Caravaggio... but I digress.) In my art class, gesture drawings were more about flow and movement than it was about your unnerving ability to draw an elbow. Our teachers broke us using the Boiling Frog Technique, which was to say that they lulled us into a false sense of security by allowing us to sketch the person modelling for 10 minutes. Then 5 minutes. Then 3 minutes. Then 2 minutes. Then 1 minute. Then 30 seconds because they were sadists. It is unfortunately an effective way of teaching 1) how bodies move and 2) how to capture the essence of a pose rather than the strict reality of it.

But I really like anatomy studies and I really, really like drawing hands. And more hands. And even more hands. And then some more hands just in case. And then, just to shock and surprise everyone, a torso. A good chunk of my sketchbook is just me drawing faces and hands and eyeballs and hands and faces and sometimes feet when I can't remember how ankles work.

Other Weird Tips That Don't Quite Count As Studies:

If you don't wanna sketch in a museum or go to a park or stare at a stranger's ankles to figure out how ankles work, then go pull up fantasy stock photos on DeviantArt or take a photo of yourself and then get to sketching. That's what I do!

Watch a shitton of animated films. There's a fluidity & theatricality to how characters move in animated films that I love. Sometimes it seems like every inch of the character is expressing the emotion they're feeling. I find it personally inspirational even if I feel like gnawing off my own hand every time I attempt to draw my own frame-by-frame animation.

Study film. I studied film very, very briefly and a wee snippet of that was studying storyboards (as in: in library, with book) and doing some storyboard art projects (as in: at desk, with sketchbook). I treat every comic I do as if I was storyboarding the animated scene from the disjointed animated film in my brain and then polish it up to make it more readable/enjoyable.

Hope that helps!

[maximumwobblerbanditdonut]

What to Do When SH Doesn’t Remember Details?

Men in Kilt season 2 was filmed in New Zealand 🇳🇿 between January and February 2022, and in Sam's memories of “Waypoints”, months later same year, he supposedly “wrote” the book (or was its ghostwriter 🤔 ) Sam mentioned his father, saying, “I have few memories of my dad, he left when I was 18 months old. I didn’t connect with him again until I was an adult.” Well, it’s not typical for people to have clear and detailed memories as early as 18 months.

But now, in Men in Kilt 2 this season, Sam is seen exploring New Zealand culture and in episode two, he learns about Māori tattoos and even has one drawn by the artist who created the design, which is supposed to represent his life in Sam's arm, he spoke on his father repeatedly with a different version Sam says: “My dad left when I was very young. Three years old. So, I didn't know him at all”

In "Waypoints," he described his father's absence and then how he got to know him much later. A turn of events after Heughan and her brother met his father in 2013, her father was ill with leukaemia and passed away from the disease. Sam and his brother were not present at his father's funeral. Sam was in his mid-thirties and didn't meet his father when he was in his mid-twenties, as he says.

This shows that challenging him to walk the West Highland Way for his book 📕 “Waypoints” didn't help him accept himself. This is important to mention, he not only can't clearly remember what he said before, but his few memories of him are like traces in the recycle bin that are restored when he wants to tell us another story, a way of not dealing with anxiety or pressure to perform. We'll wait for the sequel to his Clanlands New Zealand book and find the wee lads photo when he admitted that he “didn't know" his father's name growing up.

But, the proof that he knew his father’s name is on his birth certificate. If the natural parents are married or in a civil union, both must have their names registered. And Sam carries his father’s name. He may be confused and want to say that his father's name was not mentioned when he was growing up, which was not necessary, due to the circumstances, but it is different to say that he did not know his father’s name growing up because that detail would be incorrect.

Perhaps he had a trauma growing up without a father? But millions of children live without a father at home. He would not be the first nor the last. If he had a traumatic childhood, he needs professional help (not from his fans or his friends in the entertainment media) and does not change a private and personal part of his memory every time, wanting pity.

Some people who suffer from (C) PTSD or dissociative disorders (all from trauma) want your sympathy or pampering, special treatment, fear of being 'ignored', or “isolated”. But SH must stop turning a delicate and intimate situation in his life in front of the cameras into a drama that inspires pity, as a way of supporting him.

People confuse, this is not surprising, he already did it in a public forum when he promoted his book, it is not courage or vulnerability to talk about his most intimate things before the camera, he decided to speak without discretion, and it is not innermost because his beliefs and convictions change according to the moment.

Have you ever wondered how his elder brother feels if he also grew up without his father?

#MiK2 #Waypoints #MeninKilts #Starz

@shinycomputerqueen @scdenmark Yeah! Sam has been telling different versions since Clanlands 1. He also mentioned that he sparked an emotional reunion with his estranged father when revealed that he first met his father as an adult while he was on his deathbed. How can anyone explain this unique version? This was published in Scotland.

At its essence, this saying tells us it's alright to lie, omit the facts, or twist the plot for the sake of a good story. This is definitely an appropriate quote for SH.

@supermassivetragedy Regarding your observations, you hear him say... “three years” (not a few years) He is an inconsistent, unpredictable man, he does not behave in the same way every time a similar situation occurs. Regardless of the reason, it can be frustrating to hear the same stories with different, inconsistent movements. SH is a narcissist supported by fans and friends, who think he is “special” and try to make him superior and he buys it. However, there may be other underlying psychological factors that contribute to this behaviour, such as a need for validation or a desire to establish a sense of identity or belonging.

Parents do not abandon their children. Here the father left for some reason unknown to us and apparently also for SH. There can be many reasons why a parent left, but I doubt it’s because of the child. (he or his brother)

In your observation ..” perhaps his mother didn’t want her children to know their father”… I can understand that the mother does not want her husband in her life perhaps the partner never kept his promises or fulfilled their part of the deal, who knows? but these are not valid situations for a mother to remove a child from his father’s life.

It’s not about the birth certificate. It’s about a child who didn’t have help at home to recognise and remember the name of his father. Sam frequented primary school when was a child. In Scotland when you send your child to school you need the original birth certificate to enrol your child in a nursery or school. The school knew his father’s name, and They didn't have to hide that from a child, that's natural.

@shoutlandish As a fan, you are emotional and that affects your logical reasoning: the evidence is in front of you, and you can't admit that he has a problem. I don't know which celebrity you mean. SH is not considered a celebrity, that's for his fan club and friends. He is not a so-called “A-list” celebrity. I consider you to be mistaken. Few things in life cannot be taken lightly because there are no small accomplishments, and making mistakes can be expensive.

He can't bring up a situation he wrote about before and then change the facts. He has memory lapses in which he cannot recall certain events or information about himself. This was a situation part of his personal life history, not an illusion of his life choices, these are not stories from a storyteller that fans feel they should treat with humour, like everything related to SH.

As you said, the image of Sam does not fit, because he has not convinced or persuaded everyone, and what he says after this, nobody will care. That's sad, Thank you for visiting my blog 💙

@marglyns People have different opinions. The point is that differences of opinion don't always lead to fruitful discussions with SH fans. This often leads to heated one-sided arguments and results in difficult emotions, which I don't have towards SH. They are not the same. People have the right to have opinions and thoughts of their own without eagerly waiting for the approval of anyone from the SH fan club.

Opinions are not altered or painted, just to console some and not upset them, because his obsessive fans don't accept that he makes mistakes. He does good things but tarnishes them with his mistakes because he never received the proper training.

If you don't accept feedback, that's your problem, not mine. Just don't suffocate or force them to accept their inconsistencies. You have the right to disagree, just as I have the right to express mine on my blog. As I said before My blog my rules, Thanks for your visit 💙

[cobiehaven]

Painting with Our Hearts — Lee Juyeon

SYNPOSIS; you despised your best friend for asking you to mentor her in the field of dating when you yourself hated the idea of being tied down to a man. but soon enough, she got the hang of it without the usage of your advice. so much so that her relationship escalated with a ring of engagement! in only 6 months? you know you should focus on your studies and get ready for graduation in dreams of starting your new life, fresh and problem free, but you face something much more scary than freedom. the side effects of this forbidden relationship you have fallen into with a man who you know you shouldn’t love..

PAIRING; artist!juyeon x fem!reader

GENRE; drama, fluff, angst

WORD COUNT; 4.7k

TAGS/WARNINGS; collage au, art major au, strangers to lovers, lowkey obsessive!juyeon, reader hates basically everyone, cheating (im sorry ily juju), strong language, tension, mentions of starving for weight loss, a bit suggestive, mentions of engagement, mention of starting a family, legal drinking, lying and betrayal, arguing, broken friendship, lowkey didn’t know where i was going with the ending, procrastinated wayyy too long on this so probably ass 😀.

AUTHORS NOTE; i felt awkward writing this because never in a million years would i imagine juyeon cheating but then again it was for the sake of the fic so enjoy.

FLASHBACK

“don’t you think you’re going a little too overboard? at this rate, you’re going to gain some kind of disorder,” you sat with your chin resting in the palm of your hand as you watched your best friend, feng, continue to whine and complain about her body.

you swore you had never seen her whip her head around so fast. “what?! overboard? psh, as if,” she waved off but was awkwardly cut off when a loud rumble erupted from her stomach. you raised a brow, her expression lowering to a pout.

“okay, and what about it?” she stuck her chin out at you.

“you’re going to get sick.”

“so? it’s worth it.”

your eyes trailed from head to toe and pressed your lips together with tension. how could she possibly care more about her image over her health?

“what are you even doing this for? doesn’t your rich family already force you to keep a healthy diet?” you asked, lifting your head out of your hand and instead, leaning back in the comfort of your chair. “which makes it even easier to loose all of this fat!” it was silent for a moment as your friend took her sweet time to check herself out in the long body mirror she had behind her overly decorated door. “anyways,” you waited for her go on with her sentence. “you know that boy that sits in the back of your arts class?”

“oh my god.”

“no, listen!”

“i’m leaving.”

“please!” she pouted.

you still sent her the most uninterested look known to man. but with one hard eye roll and loud groan, you sunk down into your chair. “go on.”

“good!” her emotion changing within seconds. “i heard he likes girls on the smaller side. the ones with small waists and tiny faces! minjoo told me so last week! i’m setting goals for myself,” she shot her brightest smile and swayed around her room as she went on and on about the likes and dislikes she had heard from others about this boy. this boy that had been the talk of the school since he moved into the fine arts department. the exact one that had many other girls soothing over him when he didn’t even do as much as even look their direction. sure, he was good-looking but was that really all anyone needed to fall head over heels for someone?

“minjoo? as in the minjoo that supposedly dated and dumped juyeon after 2 days because he was too ‘quiet’?” you raised your brow again, this time tilting your head down in a ‘you’ve got to be joking’ kind of way. “yes! her!” feng smiles. “as if two days is enough time to learn all about someone’s likes, dislikes, turn-ons, turn-offs!” you sighed. “have you even talked to him before?”

feng shook her head which only had you rolling your eyes for probably the 5th time this morning.

“i was planning on asking you to help me approach him..?” she tangled her fingers together in front of herself, shrugging up her shoulders in a pleading manner. “i know it’s a stretch to think i have a chance with him but please!” she begged. “why me?” she knew how much you hated things like this. much less men. you’d never be able to understand them. “because you love me~!” she shot you the biggest smile as she took your hands into hers. you gave her a playful and shocked expression, “ain’t no way you just pulled that card on me.”

her glued on poker face seemed to prove you wrong.

pushing her away, you stood up and crossed your arms in front of her and with one deep sigh, “what do i get out of this?” you asked.

payment was expected for hard and excruciating work.

“i’ll do all of your house work including running hall errands for you during the school day for a month!”

“two months.”

“a month and one week?”

“listen, i’m getting involved with a man for you.”

“okay okay!! a month and a half.”

“cool, now go get me a soda.”

“what?! but i said during the school day!” she complained while you wandered over to the bed. falling down into it with a satisfied grunt. “and technically we have class in 30 minutes, so you better get the drink quick so we can walk there in less than a hurry,” you replied which had her shuffling her way to the door.

PRESENT TIME

you didn’t really know why you agreed to this. why you didn’t just gather up everything in you to just tell her no and get on with your life. it would have been easier for you. without feng around, it was awkward to see juyeon’s face around. neither of you went out of your way to say hi to each other but you could feel his eyes staring into the back of your head during classes.

without feng, you would have no business with juyeon at all.

so why was he the one to invite you to your departments celebration party for winning 1st in competition during winter break? saying that he needed to discuss something with you in private?

especially when he was already dating your best friend?

what exactly was he in need of telling you so badly?

sucking up a large sigh, you swung open the door to the korean bbq place everyone had agreed to meet at. you were a little surprised by the amount of people this place agreed to let in but it seemed to be the class presidents last resort since many in the class were still too young to go clubbing. luckily, not everyone showed up.

“y/n!” a familiar voice called, gesturing you over to the table.

you sat at the end, not wanting to be squished in between anybody who reeked of alcohol and grease. you insisted on getting a table for yourself but the staff wouldn’t let you as they were already finding a hard time serving your department as it was. maybe it would have been easier to just not come. while juyeon was the one to invite you, he didn’t seem to be anywhere around the tables that were already set.

“hey, where’s juyeon?” you asked the girl sitting next to you. “i think he said he was running a bit late.”

speaking of juyeon, your head whipped around when you heard your department cheering for his arrival. he looked winded and messy coming in through the door but he shot a happy smile when everyone was glad to see him. you rolled your eyes at how obnoxious everyone was being.

unfortunately, you had to give up your edge seat and slide further down the booth for him to sit down. it was the only space that was left.

yeah, you really shouldn’t have come.

claustrophobia was overcoming you as you could feel juyeons cold pressing against your side. “i’m glad you could come,” he turned towards you. “i’m glad you could come late,” even without looking his way, you could feel his expression falling into a frown.

it was silent amongst you two. you really didn’t have much to talk about with him considering you only knew each other through feng. only chiming in when the guys across from you both had interesting things to comment on. the reek of alcohol became stronger as you started to get more and more out of it with each sip.

it went on like that for a while before your attention was caught by the girl next to you suddenly banging her hands on the table. “soojin?” you called out her name over the booming music. “are you okay?” you asked half-slurred. before you knew it, she had turned towards you and spilled whatever she had eaten that night all into your lap. the guys around the table all backing away with disgust and shock. but you were paying no attention to them and only at the pool of vomit seeping through the thickness of your clothes. your eyes trailed up to the girls in front of you before she slurred some “im sorry”’s before slumping back against the booth.

“oh my god, i think im going to throw up,” one of the guys across from you slapped his hand over his mouth. to which the other guy had yelled out an abundant of curses for him not too.

you were still in shock. you could feel the warm liquid seeping far enough to touch your bare skin, that alone making you want to wake the girl up and sock her right in the nose for putting you in such a disgusting situation. if it wasn’t for your hazy mind, you probably would have. suddenly, you felt a pair of hands on your legs making you nearly jump out of your seat, but you just tensed when you realized it was juyeons, scraping the chunks off of your pants with a thick handful of napkins. it wasn’t long before he grabbed your hand and dragged you to the mens bathroom, not even having the mind to argue with his actions.

“im sorry, y/n.”

was he apologizing for touching you? or forcing you into the bathroom with him? or maybe inviting you to this overly crowded korean bbq?

“i have spare clothes in my car. do you think you’re okay enough to wait here while i go get them?” he asked, looking into your hooded eyes. “im not fucking five. i don’t need your help,” you shrugged his protective arm off of you and headed for the door. “wait!” juyeon grabbed your wrist, making you whip your head around. “you have shit all over you. please, let me help you.”

technically he did get you into this situation. even if he didn’t know something like this was going to happen.

“fine. just hurry,” you huffed. “its already embarrassing enough just standing here in front of you like this..” you mumbled as your arms coiled around your body.

just as so, juyeon didn’t take long. he came back to hand you a change of clothes, even adding a pair of socks to the pile. patiently waiting outside the family stall as you took your sweet time changing, you grumbled with each peel of damp clothing off of your body.

“juyeon?” you called.

“yeah?”

“can you hand me a wet paper towel?”

within seconds, you shuffled over to take the wet cloth out of juyeon’s hands from under the stall door. “thanks.” it took you a while to wipe yourself down, trying not to stumble over every time your mind started to give in to the heavy alcoholic haze overcoming you but soon enough, you flushed the paper down the toilet and shrugged on the loose fitting clothes into your body.

“please, let me take your clothes home and wash them for you,” he insisted the moment you unlocked the stall door. his eyes locking on his oversized clothes quite literally engulfing your figure. it took you a moment to register his staring, much less his words. but once you did, you just scoffed and crossed your arms over yourself. “stop staring you perv,” you fixed a hardened gaze on him. “forget it, just, thank you for the clothes.”

“wait!” he stopped you after you had pushed past him.

“ugh, what now?”

“how are you getting home?”

“why do you care?” you asked with a raise of your brow. “because if you plan on driving home, you’re way too drunk to be driving,” he exclaimed. “its fine, ill just take a taxi or something,” you said before rushing out of the bathroom, this time not giving him the time to stop you. “oh? y/n? why did you just come out of the boys- hey!” you pushed past your classmate rudely just to get out of there. you could care less about the many voices calling for you, not wanting you to leave so soon. you were done with ‘parties’.

you just wanted the embarrassment to stop.

the next few days seemed to go by normally. along with the next month or two. nothing out of the ordinary seemed to happen and primarily just went back to your daily school work and boring life. feng and juyeon were together per usual and you stayed silent for a lot of their interactions. the only times you seemed to see juyeon without feng around was whenever he happened to pass by you in the halls or in class but other than that, it became a common occurrence that juyeon joined in on you and feng’s time together. it annoyed you a lot, especially when feng never gave you the option to leave when she wasn’t even paying attention to you in the first place.

actually, the annoying part wasn’t the two of them together, necessarily, it was more so juyeon that wanted to get your attention outside of that time that started to get you annoyed of the times when he was with you and feng. for example, the multiple times he begged you during class to lend your notes to him, or the times he asked you to do the bare minimum like open his milk carton for him during lunch, or even the time he made you walk 5 blocks down the street during a heatwave just to return his clothes to him while he was working.

as much as you hated him for wasting your time, the more you started to have less of a reason to want to hate him with the efforts he made in occupying your time.

but of course, at the end of the day, he still belonged to your best friend.

you found it easier to block them out with the help of your headphones and laptop. your music and videos was much more worth it than some guy and his obsessive girlfriend.

oh, you mean, your best friend.

you sat quietly as you were trying your best to block out the distracting noise coming from the two of them, focusing more on your homework that was giving you more of a headache than their love language. you brushed it off for as long as you could before you sighed and stood up, the scrapping of your seat against the floor made feng crank her neck towards you.

“where are you going?” she asked. “home, i can’t focus here and my head is killing me,” you replied, packing up your stuff as the enormous pile of books weighed you down everyday.

you failed to notice juyeon’s visible concern.

“oh okay,” she shrugged.

“feel better.”

you and juyeon shared eye contact with each other for a few seconds before heading off. you didn’t know why but something about that sounded like it had much more of a deeper meaning than just a get well wish.

when you got home, you were relieved with how still your house was. it started to subside your headache. but your relaxation was cut short when you felt a buzz in your pocket.

juyeon:

that’s quite the amount of stress you have packing on

you:

what?

juyeon:

the books

you’ve been working non-stop on papers for the past three days, you really deserve a break

you:

i’ll be fine, it’s nothing to worry about

you stared at the messages for a few seconds before realizing he probably wasn’t going to say anything else. putting your phone to your side, you sat up on your bed with a deep sigh. “i’ll probably just take some pain killers and work some more..” you mumbled to yourself, rubbing your palms over your tired eyes.

another buzz caught your attention.

juyeon:

meet me in 10 in the loft.

the period scared you.

15 MINUTES LATER

you arrived in the loft as told, figuring that there would be no reason to ignore it when you knew he’d probably just come to your house if you didn’t answer.

he was really confusing sometimes.

“juyeon?” you called.

the lights were still off. had you gotten there too early? surely not, a walk from your house to the studio was 15 minutes, not 10.

“juyeon, this isn’t funny. let’s just make this quick.” you called again, this time stating your conditions. you were about to get fed up with waiting before you suddenly felt something cold splash onto your back, making you yelp and jump forward, whipping your head around in the plain darkness. you could see a dark silhouette and quickly made it out to be juyeon’s slender figure. “what the fuck?!” you cursed before the lights were flashed on. your eyes having to take a moment to adjust to the sudden change.

he was laughing. crying, even. looking at yourself, you realized he had thrown white paint on you seeing as he still had the bucket in his hands.

you were not going to let him get away with this.

“you little shit,” you cursed again before taking all of your anger and grabbing the first bucket you saw and prying open the top, chasing juyeon around the room and successfully whisking the liquid onto him. you both when back and forth, the challenge becoming so much that you soon started to forget about your troubles, about your work, about feng and even the ones deep down that you didn’t want to admit.

this was the most fun you’ve had in a long, long, time.

“please! have mercy!” juyeon cried with added laughter as you continued to pour, purple, paint onto him. “you’ve brought this upon yourself,” you laughed before he tried pushing you away from him, somehow fully knocking you over in the process and bringing himself down along with you.

he shielded your fall with his hands behind your back and head but once he came to realization as to what position you were in, his eyes widened and his whole body tensed up. yours did the same.

it was silent. the short few moments of you both having fun was turned into long and breathtaking moments. not to mention how close he was to you, what it felt like to have his fingers tangled in your hair, what it felt like to hear both of your hearts beating the same cadence in this silent room. you watched as his eyes trailed from yours, down to your lips, and then back up. the look he was giving you was almost inviting but also scared.

you really didn’t know how to describe this feeling.

in a panic, you broke the moment to trail your hands up the tiny space between you both to quickly smear what paint you had left on your hands. the colors mixing into his caramel tone and making him not any less beautiful than he already was.

maybe you were starting to see what girls saw in this man.

“hey..!” he whined, smacking your hands off of him. he squinted his eyes at you challengingly, but just gave you a sly smirk instead.

it was hard to believe this was the same timid guy from a few days ago.

helping you to your feet, he ran his fingers through his dry but, at the same time, wet, hair. “how do you feel?” he asked.

“definitely better, no more headache.”

“that’s good. that was the goal,” he smiled and fixed himself up. just as you were about to straighten your clothes, you paused and looked up at him. “wait, you brought me here just for that?” you asked.

“don’t get mad. i was just trying to-“

“i’m not mad. it’s just.. i thought you wanted to talk.”

“about what?”

you rolled your eyes at his stupidity.

“about whatever it was you wanted to tell me a couple months back? you never ended up telling me.”

it took him a second to try and think back on it, but eventually he did.

“yeah because you left before i could!” he protested. you giving him yet another eye roll. “well i’m here now so what was it?”

he hesitated. you could tell by the way he was looking around at anything but you that the same timidness from before was back.

“juyeon?” you called out to him, awaiting his answer.

“feng proposed to me.”

the silence was long. extremely long. nothing could express the amount of shock and unknown pain that you were overcome with. you swore you felt your heart sink down into the pit of your stomach.

“what..?” you refused to believe it.

“she proposed to me. a week ago. after 5 months of dating and she’s waiting for my answer on our 6th month anniversary.”

“which is when?”

“…today.”

you wanted nothing more than for the world to open up from underneath you and swallow you whole. what was feng thinking? what were you thinking? how could you get flustered over some boy who you barely know? especially one who was about to get engaged to your best friend. one that you helped your best friend get together with!

“well, what are you going to say?” you asked, you could feel your blood starting to boil with anger. but not knowing where exactly it was coming from. but you tried your best to sound calm and collected as your biggest fear was probably him finding out that you were lowkey crushing on him, this way.

“i don’t know yet,” juyeon murmured. “i was going to ask you.”

“why do you need to ask me for advice on your own personal problems?”

“because.”

“because?”

“because!”

“i’m not following.”

you could tell he was starting to get riled up. “because i’m not sure if i actually like her!” he screamed. to your own shock, you could tell he was holding in those exact words for a long while.

“so.. you played her?” you weren’t sure wether to feel relieved or pissed off about that. “or i guess.. playing her?” you switched to present tense.

“i don’t know..” he ran his hands down his face in frustration. “i just.. im not sure if i’m ready for marriage? but knowing her, if i reject her, she’ll think i don’t love her anymore and i don’t want to have that sort of confusion within our relationship all of the time. she already thinks i talk to you too much,” he sighed.

feng thinks he talks to you too much? since when has she ever been around to see the both of you have a consistent conversation other than about school work?

whatever, you didn’t want to worry about that right now. you had a boy stressed out of his mind right in front of you. “juyeon, it sounds more to me that you’re just in a toxic relationship.”

it was silent for a moment as all he did was just stare at the ground but as much as he didn’t want to agree with you, he knew you were right. “what should i do?” he asked. but he already knew what your answer was going to be… and you didn’t want to give him that kind of heartbreak. “do what you feel is right,” you said softly. you hesitated but after a while, you snaked your arm around his back and rubbed light circles onto his shoulder blades. he lowered himself to your height and buried his face into your shoulder, his arms wrapping around you into a deep hug. he didn’t cry, but you could tell he was confused and hurt. this had been bothering him for quite some time.

cutting the relaxing hug short, you were met with his eyes as your own filtered with confusion. “are you feeling better now?” you asked. “no,” he replied. as you were about to open your mouth to respond, he quickly furthered your confusion as he captured your lips into a soft kiss. your eyes growing wide in utter shock as you didn’t know what to do with your hands. much less your anything else. this was the first time you had ever kissed someone. or.. be kissed by someone. nonetheless, with your little knowledge from the various kdramas you had watched in your time, you closed your eyes and tried to act like you knew what you were doing. luckily, juyeon sensed your embarrassment and swiftly led your arms around his neck as he did all of the work for you. leading the kiss into soft multiple ones that had you getting the flow down instantly. after about a minute or so, you broke away, or maybe he did. you couldn’t tell with how hazed your mind was right now.

“are you.. feeling better now?” you asked for the second time.

you didn’t get an answer.

“did you have a talk with feng?” you asked juyeon as the two of you walked into class together, having conveniently run into each other in the hallway. “i don’t want to talk about it,” he sighed out, though it sounded more of like a groan. luckily for you, you sat right in front of juyeon so you didn’t have to cut the conversation short.

“you should just be honest with her, it’s the better option.”

he agreed yet he still looked so troubled.

“don’t tell me you were planning to do it through text-“

“do you really think that lowly of me?”

well… considering he got himself into this whole mess…

“please don’t just bare through it when you know it won’t work out. that’s possibly the worst thing you could do,” you sighed, reaching your hand out to place on top of his in a comforting way. but he snatched his hand away with such force that it had you even more confused than before.

did he not want to be around you? if so, then why did he kiss you?

“am i just that bad at kissing?” you said half-heartedly but you were immediately shut down by juyeon who hushed you. “don’t say it so loud!” he whisper-yelled at you. you understood that he didn’t want anyone to know that he technically cheated on his girlfriend—which you still weren’t sure if you were happy or upset about—but he didn’t have to reject your comfort when you tried to give it to him for his sake. “then what is it?” he rubbed at his temples, “y/n, i think she already knows.”

juyeon sighed and stared down at his fingers that sat in his lap. when he felt like he could muster up the courage to tell you more, he glanced around one time just to make sure no one was within close enough range. “today, before school, she told me that as soon as we got married with our parents approval.. she wanted to move abroad and start a family. she kept going on about how much of a future she wanted with me and i wasn’t sure how to respond to it all. i got so stressed out that i ended up snapping at her and walking away.” he shifted awkwardly in his seat as if he was waiting for the moment his girlfriend would walk in through that door despite not sharing a single class together. “she didn’t chance after me like she usually does when we have arguments,” he said.

for as long as you knew feng, she had always been an overbearing person. she was a very ‘up in your face’ kind of girl and that’s what made people either really like her or really hate her.

hearing about how she bombarded juyeon with such a wide topic, you could only imagine how he must of felt.

luckily, she knew her place when it came to conversations with you. it was a blessing.

“that’s good, though!” you exclaimed. “it would make it easier for you to break it off.”

“i just cant stop thinking about what she’d say if she found out i kissed her best friend on the day of our 6 months,” he sighed and cupped his hands over his face, leaning forward onto the desk.

your attention was caught when you felt a buzz in your back pocket. pulling out your phone, you were greet by a message from your best friend. except.. maybe said best friend, didn’t want to be best friends anymore.

“oh no..” you trailed off.

“what?” juyeon asked, peeking at you from between his fingers.

you hesitated for a long minute but eventually flipped your phone around enough for him to view the screen.

.

.

.

feng:

[sent attached photo]

once a cheater, always a cheater.

fuck you both.

proof read by @hwasluvr

© cobiehaven 2023

[msfbgraves]

What do you think of The Godfather Part 3? I honestly hate most of it, it just feels like poorly written fanfiction lol. I can't decide what's the worst bit: Mary, Mary and Vincent's incestuous relationship (WHY!!), Michael and Kay, Michael being totally OOC (smiling, being jovial), Michael's truly horrible haircut (might be the single worst offender for me OMG)...just a bad film in my opinion. I like to pretend it doesn't exist.

I personally really like Sherlock series 1 and 2, and ignore the existence of the rest of it, pretty much. That works fine. But if you don't mind me feeling differently while understanding where you're coming from, Nonnie - I really like the Godfather Coda, the Death of Michael Corleone. Part III, the first cut, nah, I think we can put that aside. And yes, the difference in Michael is too jarring for the most part. I've watched Pacino in different things, and he seems to prefer playing more extrovert men, and seems to have decided playing Michael that way was what felt best to him. And I could see it - there are some hints of that Michael very early in film 1 with Kay - but they'd need to do a better job bridging that gap visually. I can forgive it, because I do see this film as Don Corleone desperately trying to go back to being a man, Michael Andolini if you will, the man he would have been had he not picked up the mantle of Don, the man he can't ever be. Vito saw the tragedy in his son picking up that mantle, he almost apologised: "There wasn't enough time, Michael." Michael now sees Vincent being hungry for it while he cannot escape how his own choices are eating at him. When he wants his son to join him, he is rebuffed. When he forbids his daughter to join him through Vincent,he is rebuffed. I think the figure of Mary shows very clearly how he has lost all the loves of his life to this crime, in the dancing scenes: Apollonia, Kay, yes, Kay, people, and now the one who yet loves him as a man first - Mary. Connie, too, has been entirely corrupted.

The third Godfather gives us a whole film about this stage of alienation and power slipping from us, while framing the rise of Vincent not as a triumph but as a horror. Vito's rising was mostly triumphant, as he honoured his relationships. Michael's rising was terrible on everyone he loved... and Vincent's rising through Michael's eyes is sleazy. A rotten thing that Michael can't escape.

But most gangster films give that a couple of scenes at most, indeed a coda... but Coppola was like: if you insist on milking this, I refuse to go easy on you. I will not do it, I will give you the wreckage I spent two films building up.

Artistically brave, but a genre break, and a sad thing too that these men can't figure out a way to include a young woman in this action other than through love. Cousins marrying was not totally unheard of in the Sicilian old world, though, I don't think. Small island, few newcomers. These things die out hard. Just another way to show how this old world clashes with the life Michael chases and can never reach - through his own choices! It's a true tragedy! Could he have done differently? Yes, but also no, he is Michael. Who bears the emotional fallout of this, and this I love - the women! The ones who are supposedly so cutoff from all this! Connie gets abused, widowed, and has to submit to her own brother in an effort to save the other and herself. Again, she's lost two siblings and a husband to this violence! Kay lives in terror and still loses a daughter. Mary - poorly acted Mary, I'm sorry, even recut the others outshine her too much - killed by a bullet meant for Michael, and Michael, forced to live with his failure exiled in the Sicily he tried all his life to leave behind... it's tonally a break and not at all what a lot of fans of the first two would have come to the cinema for. But what do I think?

I think despite its flaws it's brave and necessary.

I mean I love that Michael ends this film alone, ashamed and cursedly alive.

[beatsboy]

8.17.24 / day 55 of being a delusional artist

day 3 of moon time

today (yesterday) was long, it was hot, i did not defend my time as an artist instead, i stretched outward, into the world, missed my apartment the entire time. the time i felt most comfortable, oddly, was during my 9am session with eugene, though that likely means that each event throughout the day merely chipped away at me, bit by bit, until i came home, exhausted, at about 6pm.

day 3 of my period, and everything that touches me feels like a needle, my emotions are like bottled live electricity and can be affected by everything and anything. on top of it all, i am in excruciating pain every so often, and it feels like every time i bounce back from a cramp attack, i am hit by another.

i used to snort coke off of toilet seats and now i am experience an intensely growing fear of plastics and toxic chemicals in everything from my food, to my clothes, my sheets, my towels, my dish ware, pretty much everything. everything is plastic, though, in this day + age, and i have to come to terms with the fact that even if this is a problem that exists and is valid in the world, i cannot afford to replace my entire wardrobe with natural cotton fibers and linens that are non-toxic and have no artificial dyes. i can’t replace every plastic thing in my home, i can’t even afford to buy all organic groceries. that doesn’t stop me from spiraling every time i go grocery shopping, though. it doesn’t stop me from panicking every time i want to eat something that i didn’t make myself (so i don’t, or i do and i immediately become afraid/anxious)

tonight i watched the first episode of the new season of the umbrella academy and in this season, victor (elliot page’s character <3) is a womanizing bar owner that has run through every woman in town (love) and klause (token mentally ill/addicted character) looks to have developed some form of OCD, especially in regards to germs and contamination. He is newly sober in this season, and has transformed into a clean freak, paranoid, control-seeking individual. Is this normal for recovering addicts? To pull a complete 180 and try to control everything in your environment? is it because we know how close we’ve been to death that we want to do anything and everything in our control to prevent it from being not on our terms?

part of me sees how i am living an unhealthy life, but the other part of me just thinks i’m right. it’s hard to tell yourself that you’re wrong when every day there’s a news story about some company/farm/manufacturer’s investigation findings being released on toxic chemicals present (above the legal limit, of course). it’s always the same; some company, whether it be kerrygold (my favorite butter), crocs (my favorite shoes), boar’s head (my favorite roast beef), raw rolling papers (supposedly natural, used them for years), simply made orange juice (literally almost bought the day before the lawsuit went public), or seltzer water (thankfully i hate that shit), it’s always the same. ok, boars head was lysteria, but the rest were all chemicals above the legal limit. arsenic, bpas, bpfs, bpss, lead, piss, whatever. poison in something i’ve consumed, worn, used.

i used to poison myself all the time, though, right? so why should it bother my this much? why does it bother me so much than it did before?

i used to think i was confident, i think i was just vacant, dissociating so much that i could be whatever people wanted me to be i never used to spend this much time thinking about my principles, how my actions, from what i buy, to what i support, to who i support, reflect myself as a person, and how they do and don’t align with who i am. i didn’t used to wince at the perfect drying rack someone sends me in an amazon link because i’m boycotting. i would have just bought it. “there’s no ethical consumption under capitalism” i would have said. sure, but some consumption is, let’s say, less unethical than others. and maybe i knew that when i was 20, in college, ordering everything for my freshman dorm from amazon because i didn’t have a car and it was easy. maybe i knew that it was unethical and wasn’t who i was as a person, and did it anyway, because it was easy. or maybe i wasn’t this person yet. maybe this person i am now, 7 years in the future, is simply the kind of person who does not do that. and maybe that’s because i got sober, and maybe that was just part of it. the tipping point, between freedom and intention. between chaos and direction. i find it hard to just let go now. the person i am now is holding on tight to rules that do not apply to the person i dream of being. the person i dream of being does not wish to control his world. the person i dream of being flows through the world, and hopes to leave it a little better than when he found it, though i suppose even that is hubris, to wish to change something else. for i know the only thing i have control over changing is myself.

[nightcrawlerzincorporated]

21 & 22!

Everyone wants to know my unpopular opinions huh lol

21. part of canon you think is overhyped

Honestly. Mac Finds His Pride. I love the idea of Mac accepting himself and coming out to his dad and Frank saying “I get it”, but everything else about the episode is uh. Like the weird Goldilocks “this place is too sexual, this place isn’t sexual enough” beginning of the episode is so unfunny to me and I get that the idea is Mac feels like he can’t give anything a chance until he talks to his dad, but that still leaves me with an episode that’s largely boring and annoying to me until the one single Emotional Moment. And said emotional moment doesn’t even have any sort of impact on the narrative. They say “oh Mac’s finally more comfortable being gay” but to me he doesn’t act any different in episodes going forward than before. In season 15 he’s back to desperately trying to find connection with his dad in Ireland so his dad rejecting him again seemingly didn’t actually change how Mac saw him or himself at all. In season 16 with Shoots it’s even worse—he literally chooses his dad over another gay man in a weird “I’ll always choose my father’s imagined approval over homosexual community and solidarity” move that completely goes back on the lesson he supposedly learned. So what does MFHP have left? A single (very beautiful and artistic) coming out dance that doesn’t even seem to matter in the grand scheme of Mac’s life? Hero or Hate Crime is a more impactful coming out with more tangible effects on the characters and narrative. “Well MFHP is really about Frank!” Okay even if you wanna go there does he actually act meaningfully less homophobic after? Does he actually start being more of a father figure to Mac? I’d argue no. It’s wild to me that this is the episode that gets the most press and praise and attention even to this day because I think it’s honestly a really poor example of what Sunny can do both comedically and emotionally. But that’s just my opinion, I get why so many people still connect to it and love it.

22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

I’ve seen people talk about him so it’s not “everyone” but I feel like most people ignore Frank in general beyond how he affects the rest of the cast. Which is understandable, but his mind is fascinating to me—he wants so badly to be loved and form connections with people but he’s so paranoid about being fucked over he fucks over everyone else before they can get too close. Despite all his vibrato he seems to genuinely believe no one but Charlie could ever like him for his personality. And even with Charlie he has to be the one in control of the relationship at all times to feel safe. But he’s also the most secure of anyone in the gang because he knows that his pursuit of wealth made him do monstrous thing but he doesn’t care because he fully embraces being a monster. Everyone else in the gang tries to justify themselves but Frank knows he’s evil and is cool with being that way. And I think that’s neat.

Choose Violence ask game

[donnerpartyofone]

Last night my husband took me to this performance by a popular or at least very culty singer-songwriter who he loves. It took place in the lounge of this artist space among endless warehouses and I would say there were 20 or fewer people there, it seemed like it should have been extremely expensive but it wasn't for some reason. The lounge was very cushy and for most of the time I couldn't take my eyes off a large futuristic piece of machinery from this company stuffed into the corner. Many of the people there seemed to be the singer's personal friends, and they were very interesting, at least as interesting to me as the show; one of them had some high level water treatment job, and another described how he was part of a team commissioned by the Department of Defense to come up with a list of things that could explain away specific UFO sightings. I began to feel as if the people around me could be literally anyone. The singer played songs that he described as "rarities" and they happened to be like 90% my husband's favorite songs, which we had no idea were considered to be obscure. He kept asking us to say if he was being entertaining, if he was saying anything funny or interesting yet, and most especially if we were all "happy". I felt like saying, Well no, I think the world is coming to an end and I feel disgusting and inappropriate everywhere I go, but since you're being so openly needy, fine yeah I'm "happy". He looked a little like Martin Short with teal dye quickly leaching out of his overbleached hair, I thought he was probably about 60, or maybe just aging fast from constant touring. Meanwhile a very, Very young-looking blonde woman who seemed to be working the show turned out to be his girlfriend; she full-body spooned up on him while he was talking to others, and while he was performing she gazed at him as if she couldn't wait for everyone to leave. It was impossible to be unaware of her, of her emotional state. He referred to her constantly throughout the show, tried to get her to join in the performance, tried to make us all gaze upon her, told us personal stories about the failed relationship she had before him. (He encouraged everyone to take photos and record him, so hopefully the ex-boyfriend never has to hear that part) At one point she got up to use the bathroom and while she was crossing the room he described how destroyed he would be if she abandoned him. Part of his gimmick was answering anonymous questions we had written down, and when he picked one that turned out to be from her, they had this mini argument in front of us where they whispered and mewed and cooed at each other until finally, against her wishes (supposedly), he read her question about whether they could get married. I was profoundly mortified that I might be unwittingly participating in her weird proposal, but then they immediately revealed that they already had plans to get married, so I guess him calling her his "girlfriend" all night was a red herring, but anyway they got whatever applause they were fixing for. It was all very strange and it left a very strange taste in my mouth. Today I kept noticing this deeply unsettled feeling creeping over me and I'd wonder what was wrong with me until I remembered, Oh yeah, it's because of last night.

[livingasaghost]

september was not great folks, but we're trying <3

in the saddest realization of the season i discovered that my favorite part of the day is my 40m drive to work because it's chilly and i can see a lot of trees and the morning light and i also am in the perfect headspace to listen to Good Music and it's like when i used to make my morning playlists for opening the coffeeshop except soooo much more enjoyable

been listening to lots of holly humberstone and NF's new album and justin vernon stuff (bon iver, BRM, etc) and unfortunately gracie abrams - there's just something about all these artists being like "I AM THE PROBLEM ITS ME IM SORRY" that just speaks to me! that's not concerning at all!

laura and i talked for like two hours last night and it was like old times and god i really do miss when we'd just ride the same bus home and i could walk to her house ):

i've been trying to make taylor's chai cookies for like a week and i realized i absolutely have time to make them today so i'm trying to buck up the energy to do that in the next two hours before i have to be a person and go to a photoshoot

"good day" by olivia barton

i'm trying to get back into crying in h mart because mom finished reading it and we're supposedly buddy reading it so we can discuss it but i haven't felt like reading all month because i've been depressed...but like damn cancer sucks guys

in other news, i think because i've had such a shitty brain month this september i've almost pushed myself so far that halloween season sounds really fun!!! i'm trying to work through my halloween hate bc i think it's kind of silly and all my friends love halloween so i should love it too! and like i wanna watch spooky movies and be chilly and have FUN! god!

i kinda forgot a vital piece of jennalore which is that when i was a kid my mom's college roommate used to send us frosted sugar cookies shaped like bats every halloween and it was actually kinda the best thing ever? so i'm trying to channel that energy this season

work is batshit insane and i'm so exhausted by it i literally slept for 11hrs on like wednesday night bc i was so tired but also......when we're busy i always feel like i'm actually Doing Something and my bosses are so happy with the work i do so like.....it's good even though it's bad!

therapy has actually been really really good? like it Sucks bc it's therapy and i hate talking about my feelings but my therapist is the sweetest NB person ever and they're always just like "uhhh that's emotional abuse my dude!" and i'm so fucking excited bc at the end of october they're gonna have saturday openings which means i can finally go talk to them in person and not on my lunch break in our tiny break room!!!! at this point i have to pretend like my coworker can't hear everything i say during therapy otherwise i'd go insane so i always leave my sessions being like ......did max hear that i'm aroace and i have depression and i might be neurodivergent??? idk!!!

which speaking of, even though max and i definitely aren't like friends by any sense of the word....we are also just like having a time together! it's wild i see him most out of all the people i know but i think we're both going a little insane from the workload and being Depressed so we just spend all day being kinda wacky and for whatever reason i've reached a point where i stopped having a filter with him so i just start talking about the most random shit and he's cool with it lol

i think i might maybe be a little lonely! idk! i've been struggling to figure out what i need or who to talk to and i generally just want to talk to like two or three of my friends or my gc and everyone's just busy ): but then when i have the chance to talk to anyone and i Sit Down to try to interact bc i know some people are probably around i just get a little overwhelmed idk make it make sense!!!

and i realized i don't have a lot of IRL friends anymore bc a lot of the ones i had from the coffeeshop are Not My Friend and the ones i met on instagram are also Not My Friend and the ones i used to live with are Not My Friend and so my list of people to hang with is teeny tiny and idek what i need or want anymore so it's just my brain screaming .

the most frustrating thing rn is that i know i'm in a bad mental place however i cannot distinguish what i need! but when someone asks me what i need i get this intense panic/dread and i spiral real bad and if anyone tries to be kind to me it makes me feel worse and so it's like....i'm stuck in this stand still where i can't get what i need but i don't know what i need so i just eat cereal, listen to music, and go to bed early!!!

i don't wanna watch anything, i still haven't finished this season of only murders, i need a DVD player bc i want to watch the director's commentary of hill house, there's a bunch of shows and movies coming out soon that i feel overwhelmed by at the moment and it's just like !!! this is all so unfair

and i need to make all these appointments like getting my oil changed and going to the doctor for my annual but i cannot bring myself to do those things but also like should i ask my doctor about medication for depression??? surely it isn't that serious but like maybe it is idk!!!!

the depression isn't as bad as it's been in the past (i think?) like i felt a lot more hopeless in 2017 and i think a lot of that is because i do have a support system and a therapist and a good paying job and things to look forward to but like i'm very aware that many days i do just feel that feeling of "everything is meaningless and nothing will bring me joy ever again" so it's like !!! idk!!!! maybe i'm gaslighting myself into thinking i'm not that bad when in actuality i am!!!

i've just been stuck in that space of middle limbo with all my "diagnoses" that i cannot rationally understand if i'm allowing myself to see myself the way i am? like i always felt like i wasn't depressed enough to be Depressed bc i'm not suicidal but like ??? that's silly !!! maybe i am Depressed!!!!! but i don't even know how to go about getting meds and what they would do and it's almost more overwhelming to think about that than to just be depressed ): bc i still am convinced a lot of it comes down to the heat and the lingering effects of summer

but now i'm thinking about 2021 when it was the bad times and i stopped working on creative stuff or literally any year from 2017-2020 when i just spent the early fall Not Creating and having a crisis that i'd never create again and it's like.............is that bc i'm always depressed around this time? it's comforting bc i know life is seasons and i will come back around to making things and doing my silly projects but it's just sort of making me wonder how it would be different if i tried to find a way to get meds ....like would that Fix Me....would that Solve the Problem....what if it doesn't! what if i'm not depressed enough for that!

(this is all just thoughts, i'm fine, etc, just haven't let myself fully think about the depression this month bc i don't think there's a solution rn i'm just trying to get through it)

anyway, "good day" by olivia barton

[firinniee]

HOGWARTS LEGACY VS JKR

Out of context but I decided to celebrate the release of the latest Harry Potter game (10.02) and I have to say here my opinion on this subject, someone who grew up on HP, is part of the LGBT and does not wholeheartedly support person who created this magical world. No matter what you think, if you have any respect for another human being, please read what I have to say, k?

The fact that I wanted to write such an entry appeared in my head from the moment I started getting insults and threats here because I supposedly "support jkr"... because I like Harry and I drew pictures with him over a year ago quite regularly? This is stupid. Just like raiding people because they like something is stupid. Since apparently we have a problem with separating author from they work and attack for everyone who has anything to do with Harry Potter has begun. Apart from the fact that books can be bought used and fan merch exists, we can not support the author financially in any way, do you think it changes anything? Like for Christmas, me and my fiancé got HP bedding and HP pajamas from my mama, and do you think that JK came to Poland to thank my ma' for this purchase? You think that made her have enough money to feed her children and pay for the apartment? NO. Do you think she cares? Of course not! Rowling is a person who could allocate a significant part of her wealth (because yes, we must not forget about it if we want to be objective) for charity, probably even her three children will not be able to spend the money she has because there is too much of it.

But here we come to someone who is not so rich and does not have that much money. Do you know who? The creators of the game. The creators of the game, who not only make a living from being part of creating it, they devoted long hours to it and delved into the world that they must love so that the society that has been waiting for a good game from this university for years will get it. And now you can scream "But why did they go to make a transphobe game?!?!?!?" Let me explain, the first transphobic JK Rowlings games on Twitter appeared in 2020, and the first mentions of the already quite developed Hogwarts Legacy we met in 2018. It is true that the creators cleverly wanted to cut themselves off from JKR, but unfortunately even they were intolerant of "anti jkr", and yes really anti their time, anti their work and anti their work as artists.

And you think that even if, hypothetically, none of the games were bought, would the author of HP cry about it? No, we would show her that even if the next games, books and movies fail, she will still be in a high position as an author.

Now in private, I hope you're not a hypocrite and if you think that just liking HP is supporting JKR, are you doing anything for others to be what they want to be? Have you helped a trans person and bought them a binder? Do you publicly defend their right to use the restroom where they feel comfortable or did you do something JUST FOR GOOD of that person? Or let's go even deeper, since everyone should be equal, have you helped other people in need? Have you donated blood? Are you in the bone marrow donor database? Have you supported any foundation that supports what is most important to you? Poor ones? Womans? Kids? Animals? Or maybe you just sit on the Internet, use emotional blackmail and hide behind the alleged tolerance, but only in terms of what should be right for you & you want to force others to your will? Ordinary people like me and you suffer because of this behavior. If you want to destroy the right of many people to create their own creations and probably millions of people's right to take a break from the gray world and play a game about a magical kid running around the castle - you are as bad as the jkr you hate so much. Just intolerant.

Nah due to the fact that I am quite sick I don't have the strength to argue in the comments but I think such things should be said out loud, from someone who is at the center of it all. I'll probably be a poser, but I'd rather buy a switch game once it's available, but for now, I wish everyone could feel comfortable - whether it's in such big things as orientation, pronouns or being yourself, but also in such mundane things as liking Harry Potter. If it makes you happy and doesn't hurt anyone, remember that you don't have to be like the author if you don't support them. Good day my beans! ~Firinnie

[cowboylikemeaaron]

We're definitely not talking enough about her opening with miss americana & the heartbreak prince, let's talk about what lines i think makes it so sweet of her to open with this song

You know i adore you

I'm crazier for you

Than I was at 16

Lost in a film scene

She's literally telling us she's more obsessed with us than when she started being famous when for most artists it's the peak of where they care about their fans *tears*

I counted days,

I counted miles

to see you there, to see you there,

it's been a long time coming

but it's you and me,

that's my whole world

They whisper in the hallway

"she's a bad bad girl"

Well this one is pretty self explanatory, she missed seeing us on tour so so much (remember the tiktok?), And even for not seeing us for years it's still us and her, we're still her whole world, even when everyone said she's "a bad girl" aka BIG reputation.

It's you and me, there's nothing like this, miss americana and the heartbreak prince

We're so sad we paint the world blue, voted most likely to run away with you

She knows that no other artist has the same relationship with her fans like she does, even when she's sad or mad or etc.. we, paint the world blue with her and feel her emotions too,

The line voted most likely to run away with you in my head means that she'd always choose us, everyone knows that, she even pointed at people when she said "with you" in the first day of tour.

The rest of the song and the whole

"I don't want you to go I don't really wanna fight cause nobody's gonna win"

just means that she probably doesn't want inner fandom fights? Aka swifties vs gaylors or whatever the fuck is happening between everyone? She doesn't want to fight any side whether they're right or wrong because she does love us after all.

Anyways, i know what this song is supposedly originally about politics and all of that but I'm interpreting why she chose it as an opener and not what the song meant in 2019, i know not everything fits and she might not mean it that way but I think it's very interesting that she opened with that song and it's not just because the line of "i counted days, i counted miles to see you there "

@taylorswift @taylornation

[kharmii]

Somehow reading you have a daughter surprised me but also didn't surprise me.

I always expected you were much older given the old internet values still being present and practised by you, and there were also nuggets of wisdom every now and then only an adult with plenty of life experience has. The way you act also is a reminder of better times when the internet was still new and fandoms were a place for nerds and geeks to hang out without much of the toxicity we have nowadays. Understandable to be so against these new rules enforced by these immature brats.

Surprising is only that I'm only knowing a handful of people still passionate about (old) fandom culture and sharing interests online.

Also having a child makes so much more sense to be so against this toxic culture nowadays. Encouraging the most horrible things imaginable for a parent makes you extra protective and harsh against everything. I admire that!

I may be unable to have children but I imagine I'd be much like you are!

I've really grown a new appreciation for you and I wish you the very best for you and your family! Hope all goes well for you!

(hope this doesn't sound too awkward but I really wanted you to know that I appreciate your fighting spirit!)

Thanks for this nice message! I've never admitted this, but my daughter is the reason I found other characters to be weird about besides just Tomax and Xamot on the side blog.

I'm not THAT old I was watching G.I. Joe when it premiered in the 80s, but they played reruns well into the nineties. Those twins were the first thing I ever saw that hit me hard as a child and started a lifelong fixation. That's why I revisited them later in life.

-But yeah, daughter is the reason I got back into Pokemon. We played Sword and Shield and Legends: Arceus together. She's the reason I got into My Hero Academia because it would never have occurred to me to watch that. Her favorite pookie is Earphone Jack. I made sure to keep a device open for that character during the popularity poll.

I'm a veteran online. I was around during webrings and trolling on /b/. I'm old and set in my ways if that's why my trolling style is in LJ post format. People didn't used to be weird about certain fetishes, and the trans bullshit was nonexistent. I remember the old days when fujoshis were writing non con about Sepiroth getting raped in the ass with a gun barrel. If Kid Kharmii tried calling them weirdos, they'd be like 'hey, piss off!' because people didn't give kids platforms back then, not like in the age of frothing at the mouth antis.

Now fandom is full of fake men who don't like the fujoshi take because it's supposedly insulting to gay males, so they try to make their ships closer to resembling actual gay male relationships. Now you see nothing but bros doing bro shit, like how all the characters are gigantically fat werewolves who vomit and fart on each other. That's a hundred times less insulting than seeing bishies with elf ears who look like girls doing the top and bottom dynamic. I don't quite understand the appeal of this new fandom culture but call me old and set in my ways and unwilling to keep an open mind. ;-D

-But yeah, since I'm an old online, I'm going to act like an adult since minors might be around. I get accused of being a degenerate who will harm a kid's psyche shipping twins, but it's much more harmful pushing this transgender self-harm with an almost 50% rate of suicide that's all the rage. I cringe whenever an artist I follow talks about starting testosterone, the first step toward ruination.

They pull that line of 'people are less likely to kill themselves if supported by their families'. Okay, if that's true, and the suicide rate has nothing to do with walking around with badly healed wounds and hormonal imbalances, then what is the percentage of people who transition without their weirdo mothers hovering around them for emotional support? You'd think if the family didn't condone it, then the 'trans person' wouldn't go through with it in the first place. Rate of transition might spike in areas based on political orientation.

[inumakifriedoreos]

My Sister

Sisterhood is something that many don’t get to experience. I luckily have, with my little sister by my side. Although she might be the person I fight with the most, she is also the person I talk to the most and who I think understands me genuinely without judgment. I love my sister. She is my favorite person, and I treasure our shared experiences. I was born March 2nd, and my sister March 5th, two years after me. I love this because I have always hated being the center of attention, but because our birthdays fall three days apart, we have always shared birthday parties and this has given me the relief of not being the main center of attention. But also the pleasure of standing next to my little sister and smiling at her as everyone sang happy birthday to us; I realized then how much we are both growing up.  

The first picture shows part of our heads but mainly the walls of the doctor’s office as we wait for our yearly checkup, which happens during the month of our birthdays. We were bored, looking at the superhero stickers on the wall, choosing which was our favorite, and fighting over who was the best. 

The second photo is of both of us holding kombucha. It’s supposedly a healthy drink. My sister had seen many TikToks about it, so when we went to Target one day and saw them on the shelves, she asked me if we could try them together. We did end up liking the drink. One thing I love about having a sister is we learn about new things and convince each other to try them, just like I convinced her to join the soccer team with me.

The third photo is of my sister and I’s shadow while walking on the beach the last Saturday before the school year started. She would be starting her sophomore year of high school without me, and as we walked around the beach, she talked about all the things that made her nervous, and I tried to reassure her that she would be fine. Having a sister is great because when we want to talk about something that is bothering us, we always have each other to talk to and help each other through bad and good.

The fourth photo shows my nail set (blue) and my sister’s nails(white). I learned how to do my nails using acrylic powders and gel nail polish during the pandemic, and as I was trying to learn, my sister wanted to too but then said it was too hard and gave up. So only I know how to do acrylic nails, which is fun, but because my sister also likes having her nails done, I have to spend some hours doing her nails every month. This is annoying because she is the pickiest person, but I like having that alone time with her, talking about anything and everything. I also like being able to do her nails almost precisely as she wants them and seeing her happy smile when she looks at her nails all done. 

The fifth photo is of my sister and me at an Ivan Cornejo concert. She listened to his music first and would force me to listen to him. So now he is one of my favorite artists and her favorite artist. She was very excited about attending his concert, which excited me, too. She spent a whole month planning her outfit because of how nervous she was, and in the end, she didn’t wear any of the potential outfits planned. Right when the first song started playing at the concert, my sister started crying. I’m not sure if it was because she was thrilled or because she felt surreal to listen to her favorite artist in person. But seeing her cry made me emotional, too. I’ve always been very protective of my sister and hate to see her sad or crying. I got a little emotional, but overall, the concert was fun.

I love my sister and learning and experiencing new things with her, like our first concert, growing together, sharing secrets, and overall appreciating life together.