#because it's my supposedly most emotional artist??

[unicorncornflakes]

Dark Desire - Modern AU! | Chapter 12

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Paring: Aemond Targaryen x Niece!Reader

Summary: Aemond doesn't know how he feels every time he sees you. Neither do you when you look at him. Your father Aegon has always been absent from your upbringing ever since he divorced your mother. That role has been filled by Aemond until last summer, when everything changed.

Tags:  Alternate Universe – Modern/ Setting Emotional Hurt/ Comfort/ Drama & Romance/ Eventual Smut.

Warnings: This fic includes  manipulation, violence, death, and inc3st, at some points. Reader has purple eyes and her mother is from Dayne House, the rest is complete free :D

Tag-List (If you wanna be tagged in thi series or all of my work, let me know):  @thedamewithabook @afro-hispwriter @chainsawsangel @thetrueblackheart @atherverybest @itsabby15 @boundlessfantasy @partypoison00 @glame @tempo-rary-fix @tssf-imagines @aaaaaamond @imaloserbby @youngcomputerpuppy @aemondsfavouritebastard @cloudroomblog @queenofshinigamis @bluevxnus @wooya1224 @serving-targaryen-realness @darkenchantress @padfooteyes @mariannnavao @moonlightfoxx @jennifer0305 @ammo23 @iloveallmyboys @tempt-ress @bellameshipper @okfashionista @shelbyteller @dahlias-and-marigolds @the-knights-of-ne @bellaisasleep

Author´s note:  Pls, enjoy! Feedback, shares and comments are always welcome!

Word Count: 5.7K

Acknowledgment: To @ammo23 for the brilliant corrections and the wonderull work as beta reader, for all the patience and the love that always shows to this story. I´m so grateful. Thank you so much :D

“I don't know what we can do. The drunken dragon always accepts our conditions. Always. That Stupid Aegon...” Gerolf Dayne, the oil magnate, the richest man in Starfall and the second richest man in Dorne, just behind the Martells, was smoking a cigar in that meeting room in King's Landing, at one of the most expensive and prestigious law firms in all of Westeros. “If now (Y/N) has stopped having her head on the clouds and wants to study a career, everything is fine with me. It was about time that she stopped those stupid dreams of wanting to be an artist," he took another puff, and Gerold, his eldest son, narrowed his violet eyes, annoyed.

"We have enough money, both us and the dragons, to do whatever she wants," your uncle said, getting up from the seat he occupied next to his father, who presided over the long table in the office. "Let her be what he wants to be; let her do what she wants."

"The only thing that worries me is that she has suddenly changed her mind. If she applied to Sunspear the same day, and then told me she didn't want to go, that she wanted to make a career here, I don't know. It worries me," your mother sighed, defeated, not understanding what was happening to you. You had always been firm in the things you wanted, in what you desired. And now all of them had gone to the capital for an emergency meeting so that they and their lawyers could talk about the conditions they would put in place in this new situation because that's how it had been all your life; conditions and more conditions imposed by the lawyers of one and the other, all imposed looking for what is supposedly best for you, but very rarely taking into account your own wishes. It had been like that all your life, and it would be like that until you finished college.

"It's normal for you to worry. It's your puppy." Gerolf smiled at his daughter; he had always had a soft spot for his little girl, even if she had disappointed him by marrying your father. His little girl had come home, leaving behind a lazy, terrible dragon. However, she had returned with a small setback for his father: You. You weren't a Dayne, you weren't a Targaryen… Did your grandfather love you? Sure, you were like your mother enough that he saw a little copy of his little girl, but he kept feeling like a failure. Had he brought up your mother so badly that she allowed herself to be tricked by your father? "But still, this meeting could have been settled with a fax machine: 'We don't accept dragon terms.' That's all I would have told them."

"I need to see her, Dad. I didn't feel like things were going well the last time I talked to her," your mother emphasized again. Your mother had only received a call from you, in which you had told her that you wanted to stay there, that you were fine, but even so, she had not been convinced. Something was up, and all her alarms had gone off when you told her you would be living at your father's house while studying at the university. That was not something your mother would condone under any circumstances.

"Besides, we have to talk about the question of changing her last name." Your uncle Gerold sat down next to his father, right in front of your mother, after looking out the window. “Before she left, it was what she wanted.”

"What?" your mother asked, surprised, almost worried. Because deep down, she knew that it would kill Aegon. Because deep down, she was still worried about your father, maybe she wasn't in love, but she was still fond of him. "I don't understand you. She has never told me anything like that."

“Well, she and I talked about it several times last year. When she came of age, we discussess wapping Targaryen for Dayne, and we're done with all this crap," Gerold said with a shrug as if it was the most normal thing in the world. Your mother looked at her older brother as if he was telling her something she had never expected, and your grandfather smiled with pleasure.

"I think it's great. After all, the ones who have been in charge of raising her have been us, not the dragons," he answered happily, at least in that you were a Dayne, an authentic girl from Starfall.

“That would break her father,” your mother said, almost afraid to speak, and her father looked at her, raising an eyebrow questioningly.

“Well, Aegon might have thought the same thing when he fucked someone else while he was married to you. He could have thought about your heart…" he said it without any love, almost not believing what he was hearing from his daughter. It was terrible, too terrible. But, just as he was going to continue his speech, the meeting room door opened, and you appeared first, followed by Aemond, who seemed like a shadow of you. Your father followed him, and then Daeron appeared, who was chatting with the lawyer of your maternal family. Your mother was surprised to see you with a necklace of the heraldry of your paternal family, and Gerold smiled cheekily. So, in the end, the one-eyed dragon had fucked you, and that was his cheeky way of naming you as his own? Great.

"Mom", you ran into her arms, and your mother hugged you tight, not wanting to let go because she really didn't want to. She was just worried about you. She would never stop being, but all those changes were too much. Then you greeted your grandfather with a brief kiss. He responded with a loving smile, and again, you ran into Gerold's arms, who hugged you and simply whispered in your ear, "Are you finally flying dragons now?" He winked at you, then shook hands with Aemond, who had followed you across the room as the others greeted each other.

You blushed at his words while the others greeted each other. While Gerold and Aemond were talking, they had always been a good rapport between them even though Gerold called him an asshole behind Aemond’s back, you saw the scene that would mark the rest of your life. Your father reached out like a helpless puppy to your mother becauseif your mother was going to marry another man, your father would never get over it. He would always be in love with his Stargirl and would always live with the burden of knowing that he had destroyed the most beautiful thing he had. Your mother kissed him on the cheek, and Aegon smiled to himself; they exchanged a few more words that made your father smile, and your mother left him without looking back. She just sat in her seat while your father went to the other end of the table. This was what a love that could never be again felt like.

Although you were not physically present during those negotiations, they did involve topics that directly affected you. But this time your mother's family had demanded that you be present; after all, you were already of legal age, and what was said there would begin to mark your adult life.

"How about we sit down?" Your grandfather spoke with the deep voice that characterized him. "I would like to finish before lunchtime, " he said, and all the others sat at the table; at one end, the Targaryen’s; at the other, the Dayne’s. You went to sit next to Aemond when your maternal family's lawyer spoke. The best thing for everyone was that you sat in the middle of the table, without taking sides for any position and where you could not feel pressured by any of the parties. You looked at Aemond and saw his jaw clench, but he said nothing. You just sat in the middle of the table, almost as if you felt that the fight for you was just about to start and that you would always be the victim.

“I think you received our proposal. The one we sent out last night,” Daeron said, taking a seat between his brothers as your mother's lawyer did the same. Gregory Martell, one of the younger sons of Sunspear's owners and your mother's future brother-in-law, had always been devoted to your family's cause. After all, your custody and everything around it had fed his children for the last 17 years.

"Sure. Otherwise, we wouldn't be here," Gregory smiled and cleared his throat as he offered your uncle Gerold and your grandfather a copy of the proposal. Your mother almost seemed left out of the negotiations, but you could tell Daeron was doing the same. The only one with a copy of the conditions was Aemond, while Aegon stared at the ceiling and wiggled his leg in his seat. It seemed that your life had been directed entirely by your uncles and your grandfather as if your parents didn’t have a say.

"First, I'd like to talk to (Y/N) because we've gone from wanting to go to Sunspear to wanting to stay in King's Landing." Your Uncle Gerold put on his reading glasses, the kind he hated to wear in front of people who weren't his own family, but he still did it so as not to lose details of the new contract that your paternal family was trying to establish. "Why?" He looked at you seriously, expecting an argument bigger than the one he already knew. Now you were between Aemond's sheets,and he didn't care, but he needed a more convincing excuse than that. However, just before you spoke, Aemond cleared his throat.

"Why wouldn't she want to stay here? We are her family," he said feeling attacked, and Gerold smiled. Well, it was your boyfriend coming to your aid, but he needed to listen to you, not Aemond. "I think (Y/N) has reached a greater maturity this summer, where she has realized that she can have a bigger and brighter future if she stays at King's Landing College instead of going to Sunspear School of the Arts," Aemond said, almost relishing the stratagem he had concocted that bound you to his side. You looked at him out of the corner of your eye with a sad and indecisive grin, almost as if you felt that he had never liked the idea ​​of what you wanted to do with your life. As if he felt completely in control now of your life as well. You looked at the table under the watchful eye of your Uncle Gerold.

"Okay," your maternal grandfather replied, taking another drag on his cigar. Gerold looked at his father with a frown, almost as if he felt that his father didn't realize what was wrong with you. "Sunspear always seemed stupid to me. A career here will always be much better than five years of studying the arts, which will lead to nothing." You looked at him incredulously, as if you had never expected that from people who loved you, but that meeting was not normal, and neither were the reasons that had led you to be there.

"I don't think Sunspear is stupid," your father spoke, breaking the silence, and your mother followed shortly after.

"Of course not. If that's what you want (Y/N), we're here to support you." Your mother followed your father in her argument, and for the first time,you wanted them to stay together as many things would have changed. Your uncle Gerold sighed, and you saw Aemond's jaw clench again, not daring to look at you. You wondered what was going through his head. "Honey, don't change that decision because others think it's not something with a future", your mother spoke with affection, and your father followed her.

"Exactly," Aegon replied, nodding, and Aemond continued without looking at you. You only saw how he avoided eye contact with you, almost as if he regretted having asked you to make such a selfish sacrifice and that it seemed to be for his only benefit.

"This summer, a lot has happened and... I want to stay in King's Landing," you said in a whisper. "I'll study history and philosophy at the university here and…" your uncle Gerold laughed sarcastically while your mother looked at you incredulously.

“(Y/N), you've never been good at philosophy. I mean, you passed it, but you never got good grades in it," your mother said almost desperately, not understanding what was happening to you. Your uncle looked at you incredulously, almost as if he didn't believe what he was hearing from you.

“Uncle Aemond will help me with the admission and…” you started saying, but Gerold cut you off quickly.

"Aemond, how much do you have to do with this change of heart?" He said it almost as if he was trying to protect you again, as if he didn't like it anymore that you were flying with dragons instead of staying with them. If Aemond was going to control you, Gerold was not going to. He wanted to see you happy, not at Aemond's side, like a nice possession to show off to others.

"It's the only college where I could get her admitted, taking into account that the deadlines are already closed", your uncle put forward as an excuse. He didn't want to admit that it was the career he wanted for you, the hidden dream he'd always had, that you'd follow in his footsteps, that you'd manage to finish the doctorate that he had to give up to take care of the family after his father's death. "It is a good career and a good institution."

"Gods, did we only come here because you managed to sweet-talk her, Aemond?" Your mother sighed almost desperately while your uncle Gerold raised his fingers to his eyes and scratched them hard, almost fed up with that encounter. You had never been in a meeting like that, but you already saw how they were, how they had always been. A continuous fight between two sides that would never reach an understanding. Aemond was about to speak when you lashed out again.

"No, Mom. Really, it's what I want to do," you sighed, defeated; you wanted to stay there, next to Aemond. You didn't want to lose him, you couldn't. You were just freaking out at that meeting. You felt your heartbeat anguished. Why did everyone put you in that situation? "Please, can we continue?" you asked, and everyone in that gathering looked at each other.

"Perhaps, it would be better if you wait outside", Aemond said, addressing you as if you two were alone. You looked the other way, seeing how your mother looked at you confused and your uncle Gerold angry.

"It's okay. I just want to get this over with," you declared tiredly. You hadn't slept all night, and Aemond looked at you desperately, almost as if he was beginning to realize how far he had come in his selfishness.

"At this point, Gregory, bring out the conditions," your grandfather Gerolf spoke again, giving an order to his lawyer. The Martell opened his case taking out a new paper and handing a copy to Daeron and another to Aemond. Your father moved closer so he could read the one he'd given Daeron. Aemond read silently and laid the page contemptuously on the table, slumping back into his seat, utterly jaded.

"Whose brilliant idea was this?" Aemond took out a cigarette and put it to his lips, lit it with his Zippo and puffed on it, exhaling uncharacteristically through his mouth, almost as if he were angry and confused all over again. You were already beginning to understand how he acted every time he felt attacked.

"Mine." Your mother spoke, not looking at Aemond. He could never bear her. Never. The one-eyed man had always been driven crazy by her and on issues that referred to you even more so.

"How not?" Aemond replied, sneering at your mother as if he were the smartest in the room because He felt sorry for the rest, but Aemond Targaryen was superior to any of them.

"Does it bother you that you have to pay for your studies in full or that (Y/N) doesn't stay to live in the mansion?" Gerold came to his sister's defense and spoke, looking at Aemond, holding his gaze, daring him to speak. But your uncle was always talking; he was never silent. Dragons couldn't afford to be.

"I don't mind paying, it bothers me that you want to separate her from us", Aemond reproached your maternal family for that part, angry and furious "It almost seems like what you've always wanted to do. Separate her from what she is: a Targaryen."

“No, what I want is for my daughter to start making her life. Away from anyone who cuts their wings, away from people who always forget her birthdays," your mother replied, remembering that hurt. Her words were so true, but at the same time, so painful that you just wanted to cry while everyone ignored you in the name of your wellbeing. They fought against themselves in a fierce battle in which there would only be one loser.

"I do not agree with this clause," Aemond repeated again, ignoring all your mother's words.

"Me neither", replied your father, offended for the first time with his ex-wife. "(Y/N) is not so bad at home" Your father pushed you into the jaws of the dragon and locked you up without knowing it, thinking that you would be happier that way. You spent all your day with Aemond, and he always saw you happy; why wouldn't you be happy living in his home? He did not understand where those conditions came from.

"Perhaps a good measure would be that since we are going to pay the full amount of the studies, which we do not care about and which we will be happy to do, (Y/N) could live in the family home, as a measure of good faith" your uncle Daeron spoke with his lawyer speech and your mother did not remain silent.

"No, definitely not. We will take care of the cost of the place where she wants to live in King’s Landing, but she will not live with you. I'm sorry, but no," the daughter of the biggest oil tycoon, the woman who had never allowed herself to be tamed by anything or anyone, appeared again on the scene, ready to fight for the happiness of her puppy. "I refuse. We already made the concession that she changed her mind at the last moment, but not that she lives with you. No."

"We want (Y/N) to live where she will be close to the university, to develop as an independent entity, without family ties that can bind you," said Gregory Martell, explaining the wish of your maternal family. They only wanted for you what they had always wanted; that you be yourself, that you develop away from her last name, from your father's last name or from anything that could stop you from being yourself.

They continued arguing, much to your grandfather's chagrin, even after lunch. They continued until night fell. The session was left to continue the next day, waiting to find a solution to your situation. But you realized something, nobody asked you again what you wanted. You only saw your mother scream, Aemond clench his jaw every time she spoke, your uncle Gerold trying to control his sister, and your father staring at the ceiling in despair. That was your happy family, and it seemed that in it, you were nothing. Not a Dayne, not a Targaryen. Nothing.

"Do you have the dress yet?" you asked your mother, both lying in the hotel room that your maternal family had reserved at the last moment when they saw that the negotiations about your studies were dragging on. The two of you had dined alone in her room, although Aemond had taken you there, and he would be in charge of picking you up and taking you back to the family home. You knew that he was waiting for you in the hotel bar. You didn't know if he was patient or not, but at that moment, you needed to be with your mother.

"No, not yet. I would prefer that you come with me to see them, and there is still time," your mother told you, looking at the ceiling. She looked tiredat the end of the day. The truth was that the last thing on her mind at that moment was her wedding. You worried her even more. "You've barely eaten," she commented, looking now at your plate, which you had barely touched. She sat on the edge of the bed, and you followed her.

"It's just that I'm not hungry lately", you commented without much desire to talk. You just wanted to be with her. Having a moment of rest in what was now a roller coaster of emotions.

"If all this change is because of Cregan Stark..." she started to speak, blaming everything that was happening on what had happened with the northerner as if you wanted to stay there just to wait for Cregan to come back. You blushed. You barely thought about him; you would never do it again.

"No, Mom. It's just that I want to stay here. That's all," you replied, looking at the plate with empty eyes. The truth is that you didn't feel like eating, you hardly slept, and you only spent your days at the expense of what Aemond wanted. Was that the life you wanted to lead? No, but you were afraid of losing the person you loved.

"I need to understand why, honey. I need to know," she begged you to know, but you couldn't tell her. You couldn't tell her that you loved Aemond, that you just wanted to be by his side, that you needed him, that he was like the worst drug you were addicted to, that you adored when he undressed you and when he kissed you, that you were dying to be a single dawn away at his side… that you were simply in love.

"You wouldn't understand, Mom", you whispered to her, holding onto your knees, wanting to end the matter. They were all blind. No one saw what was happening, but the necklace that now hung from your neck made your mother begin to flake at an idea that she preferred to bury in the bottom of her heart. It was impossible for history to repeat itself, right?

"Get me the same, and get me the bill" Your uncle Gerold sat next to Aemond, took out his credit card and gave it to the waiter, much to Aemond's annoyance. The dragon narrowed his eye in annoyance. The last thing he wanted to do was talk or just see Gerold after arguing about you all day. Both sitting at the Hightower hotel's bar, Aemond took a silent sip of his whiskey while Gerold drank it in one go until almost finishing it.

"You didn't have to pay for it," Aemond commented, not looking at the Dornishman who now sat next to you.

"That's true. You have much more money than me. The three heads of the dragon came out in that interview," said the son of the oil magnate. His eyes would always seek to provoke Aemond, pushing him almost to his limit, yet this time when Aemond looked at him, Gerold only dank silently.

They both continued in silence for a long time, and Gerold watched with a smirk as Aemond looked at his expensive watch, waiting for you. The amount of time you had already been upstairs seemed excessive to him. Besides, he had decided to give you a surprise. After such a long day, he didn't think about taking you home to sleep. You would go to a hotel, you would make love until dawn, and he would whisper to you what a good girl you were. You always liked that. He took another swallow of his whiskey, why didn't you come down now?

"I don't think she is going to come go down anytime soon if it's any consolation," Gerold answered, seeing him look at the clock desperately. However, he frankly asked what the others refused to see. "How long have you two been fucking?" he asked bluntly, not looking at him, just taking a small sip of his whiskey as if it wasn't him.

"None of your business," Aemond replied, not flustered, not feeling like a monster. He was superior in every way to a man like Gerold. He wasn't going to feel threatened by him, he never would.

"I think at this point where she wants to give up her dreams for you, yes, it ismy business", he replied. His violet eyes locked on Aemond's one-eyed gaze. The dragon averted his eye from Gerold. He felt guilty. Having seen you as he had seen you in that meeting was proof that he would never be a good choice for you. It was too selfish, but he couldn't be without you. He did not imagine it. He could not. It was impossible for him.

"She can't leave King's Landing. She just can't." That was all Aemond told him, unable to say much more. He could never be weak, ever. Next to Gerold, in that bar, that was exactly what was happening, and he didn't feel comfortable with it.

The Dornishman took a swing of his drink and dared to speak. He would be the first and only one who would care about your true happiness. “I have a place, it’s not big nor luxurious, but the most loyal to me serve there," he said, shrugging. "It has a garden, and the main rooms face an inner courtyard where you could fuck her against the balustrade, and no one would ever know. Nobody."

Aemond looked at him in confusion and swallowed. He didn't want to accept his help, never would, and yet he knew you would be happier at Sunspear than you would be at home with him and the rest of the family. Gerold was showing him the perspective of what your life would really be like if you stayed in King’s Landing. You wouldn't eat, how long had you not eaten? You wouldn't sleep. You wouldn't be happy because it was being close to everything that trapped you and didn't let you breathe. Gerold was proposing a solution to both of you, a solution where you could be away from all prying eyes but together at the end of the day.

"You take a plane on Friday afternoon, and you leave on Monday morning. The two of you, in a new place, where you could be more than you are now.” Your Dornish uncle spoke again, wishing he was having an effect on the dragon.

"It's still Westeros," Aemond whispered to himself, taking another small swallow. The Dornishman's words cut deep into his heart. However, he did not trust Aemond Targaryen – he was not a being that could be trusted by anyone. "What do you want in exchange for this?" he spoke frankly since Aemond knew that favours pay off.

"May (Y/N) be happy, may this never be heard of... may the same thing as Rhaenyra not happen to her..." Gerold shrugged, remembering the scandal that had happened so many years ago. "I don't want anyone to find out, ever," he declared, getting up from the seat next to Aemond. "Think about it and leave a good tip for the waiter. You have more money than me," he sneered, leaving Aemond alone with his thoughts, only at the prospect of you being happier than you are now.

"Have you had anything for dinner?" Aemond finally spoke, and you looked at him with a smile, sitting on the terrace of that hotel room where he had taken you that night. You stretched out, your whole body half-naked in front of him, and he just smiled. That was how he liked you, in the moonlight, happy and radiant because you were with him, but something was missing. If you stayed on King's Landing, you would always be missing something.

"My mother ordered some dinner" You smiled at him, and he knelt in front of you, between your legs, and you wrapped your arms around his neck, smiling at him, happy to have a moment like this after so long. "And have you had something to eat?"

"Well, the guy from the bar gave me some sweets with the whiskey", he confessed, knowing that this would make you laugh.

"Nooo, what are you doing eating that? They must have been years old," you replied, laughing and caressing his hair, and he laughed too. He kissed you sweetly, and you followed him, stretching your arms over his shoulders, letting yourself be carried away by such a quiet moment. At the end of the kiss, he just sighed and unhooked your bra, getting goosebumps all over your skin. His touch will always fascinate you. He buried his face in between your bare breasts, and you laughed. Aemond might be held in higher regard than other men, but in the end, they were all equal, and all did the same.

"Go to Sunspear. Never listen to me again when it comes to something that goes against what you want," he whispered to you, and you separated him from your body. You contemplated a surrendered man.

"Aemond..." you started saying, but he interrupted you again.

"I'll come to see you. I would travel the whole world to see you. But don't let me stop what you want to be. I need you to be happy. Much more than I need to be happy myself," he whispered to you again, and you didn't talk about it again. Nevermore. He wouldn't tell you about his conversation with your uncle Gerold, he never would. He wouldn't tell you that he planned to come to see you whenever he could, that in the house that Gerold had offered you, no one would see you, and… for a moment, he was excited at the thought that he could go hand in hand with you in a public place, although that was madness, a simple fantasy. But what do humans not live on, if not fantasies? And Aemond, at that moment, felt closer to men than to gods, despite being a Targaryen.

The next day, the new points and terms of your new change of mind were discussed. It was concluded that you would finally study at Sunspear, that your paternal family would be in charge of paying for the school for the coming years and that your maternal family would arrange everything for you to live in the house with a garden that Gerold had in the capital of the Martells.

Both parties reached the same agreement that they had prior to your previous change of mind, and your mother breathed easier as if that visit had been what you needed, and you smiled happily. The subject of the change of last name was something that was not discussed at that meeting at Gerold's insistence. He had understood that now you were more Targaryen than even your father. After all, you had succumbed to the same thing that all Targaryen’s ended up surrendering, the same taste for their own blood and lineage. But he didn't care, he wanted you to be happy without anyone finding out. And thanks to Gerold, relative peace returned. He would protect you; he would take care of you. However, no one saw how your face changed when you received an unexpected message: Cregan was returning to the capital. And you didn't know what you would tell him now that things would never be the same again.

Aemond remembered blood. He remembered the pain and the scream as he was hit. His mouth tasted of blood. The metallic, iron taste that ran through his throat as he sobbed. His nose couldn't get rid of the unmistakable scent of blood either. Like a deluded child, he thought his eye would be saved as he writhed on the floor. He was a stupid kid. Always  was.

Rhaenyra had no natural children, or at least it was what she always said to end up avoiding the shame of having given birth to three bastard children, who had nothing to do with the cousin she had married to gain the influence of the Velaryon. A fruitful union. In which the three bastard children that Rhaenyra had given birth to had been given as adopted. They had all believed it, or at least they had all pretended to believe it. Even Helaena, who had married one of them to her own nephew, but no one had said anything because they weren't Targaryen blood like them, were they? Hypocrites. They all danced to what Rhaenyra said, but that was another story. Another story that has nothing to do with that child who was writhing in anguish and pain on the floor. Or, perhaps a lot, but that was not what was happening to Aemond now.

Luke had attacked him. Aemond knew the truth as well as they did. That dirty truth that everyone was trying to hide. They were bastards and children of the pure and holy Rhaenyra, although they all tried to hide it, and Aemond was the only one brave enough to have said it out loud, or perhaps the most innocent and sincere of them all.

Still, there had been consequences. He had lost his eye for telling the truth, and it was not the pain of losing the eye that affected Aemond the most. It was afterwards, looking in the mirror, the memory of the hospital room where they had sewn him up, adolescence marked by a disfigured face... and the words of Daemon, his favourite uncle. He had said that he deserved it and had sided with the one who had gouged out his eye, and Aemond promised himself that in an act which one Targaryen had positioned himself against another would not go unpunished. Aemond Targaryen learned to be a vengeful man.

[beesmygod]

Referring to your additional last post where I believe you are saying that exhausting yourself with tricky social media is not worth the effort as you will be in the same spot you "began" - I would like to know if you feel satisfied with the balance of your output and the response. I always told myself that if I ever make anything that supposedly would interest some people I have yet to meet that I would be satisfied and would be able to do it for just the joy of friends. But I have befallen ill to the call of clout, the lack of numbers having deemed my art worthless and I know many artists quit due to it. I have friends/associates who keep their heads up until in a bad moment they break and lament that they are not where others (popular artists with big clout and opportunity) are. Did you manage to free yourself from that? Or are you supressing it and turn out stronger than most? Because from the looks of everything you are exceptionally strong. I hope your relationship with your art and comic will be met with the same strength. (Apologies for going on Anon - I do not know how to communicate with people nowadays)

no need to apologize for any of this, ever. honestly, it's a difficult to breach subject and a prods at raw nerve that every artist has to tend to at LEAST once at some point. and i think you would have to be superhuman not to feel this complex mixture of contradictory emotions and grapple with it frequently. you want to be seen and heard because that's what art is. why deny the truth: artists crave a sympathetic audience!

remember that you're a human person. you're complex and contradictory by nature; you contain multitudes. you can want multiple things at the same time. it's not a crime to yearn or to express frustration with feeling invisible or underappreciated. i just did this for a week straight lol. i think part of an artistic career is having to face some of this head-on and interrogate yourself. feel the bad feelings. get rejected over and over. it is a career comprised of constant rejection for nearly everyone. and it's extremely hard to put on a happy face and jump back in day after day.

and look, sometimes you lose the battle with yourself for your soul. give yourself the grace when you realize you have. try and learn from it. or don't. it dont mattah. none a dis mattahs

when it comes to numbers, you have to ask yourself: what number will make you happy? when will it be enough to satisfy you? this sounds really confrontational lol but imagine im asking these like "where do you see yourself in the next 10 years?". it's worth interrogating. you do not want to fall into the pit of trying to fill a hole with numbers.

i am absolutely not free of it. not even close. i am shocked to hear that i appear strong given how i feel and behave on any given day. its just a combination of avoidance, suppression, and keeping expectations low. the mantra is: you cannot be rejected if you don't apply, emotional outbursts are like blood in the water to people who dislike you, and expect to be ignored; if you aren't then it's a pleasant surprise.

[janearts]

How do you get your art/character interactions to be so expressive and organic? I've loved your art and ocs for years and keep coming back once in a while to skim through your Dragon Age and Elder Scrolls art to get inspired, so I wondered if you did specific art studies to get to where your art is right now?

Thank you for the compliment! I've got three answers (or exercises) for you and you can take them as you like 'em underneath the cut.

They are in order from Most Annoying to Most Pleasing.

The Noble Still Life

My parents threw me into art classes at around 6 years old. I don't mean to imply that that somehow makes me a better artist out of the gate--it truly doesn't--but it does mean that I've been doing still life studies for a sad but significant portion of my life. And as much as I hate drawing stupid fruit arranged with other stupid shit on stupid pieces of fabric, still life studies were really helpful across the board and especially with developing a sense of how shit works. ... Even if I go on to blissfully ignore what I've learned and draw fabric folds however the hell I want and put shadows wherever I damn well please.

The Ye Olde Master Study

As part of secondary school, we were also trotted out to local museums and parks and whatnot and told to just... have at it. So a lot of my sketchbooks from that time are filled with studies of library-lion-this and portrait-of-supposedly-important-man-that. Then, back in class, we were asked to imitate the old masters. Old Masters studies are really fucking fun and some of my favourite commissions have started out with phrases like "Can you recreate this Benjamin Constant painting but with my character as Empress Theodora?" or "How about a different Constant painting of Theodora?" I also do master-ish studies with my own digital paintings, like this one of Samson and this one of Bree. I think it's a fun exercise because it pushes me out of my comfort zone even if the end result doesn't look all that sophisticated or much like the original.

The Desperate Scribbles of the Human Form~

I should put gesture drawings and anatomy studies before master studies because in theory you need to know how to draw bodies before you start trying to paint in imitation of Caravaggio. (Now that I think about it, a deep knowledge of fruit is also essential to Caravaggio... but I digress.) In my art class, gesture drawings were more about flow and movement than it was about your unnerving ability to draw an elbow. Our teachers broke us using the Boiling Frog Technique, which was to say that they lulled us into a false sense of security by allowing us to sketch the person modelling for 10 minutes. Then 5 minutes. Then 3 minutes. Then 2 minutes. Then 1 minute. Then 30 seconds because they were sadists. It is unfortunately an effective way of teaching 1) how bodies move and 2) how to capture the essence of a pose rather than the strict reality of it.

But I really like anatomy studies and I really, really like drawing hands. And more hands. And even more hands. And then some more hands just in case. And then, just to shock and surprise everyone, a torso. A good chunk of my sketchbook is just me drawing faces and hands and eyeballs and hands and faces and sometimes feet when I can't remember how ankles work.

Other Weird Tips That Don't Quite Count As Studies:

If you don't wanna sketch in a museum or go to a park or stare at a stranger's ankles to figure out how ankles work, then go pull up fantasy stock photos on DeviantArt or take a photo of yourself and then get to sketching. That's what I do!

Watch a shitton of animated films. There's a fluidity & theatricality to how characters move in animated films that I love. Sometimes it seems like every inch of the character is expressing the emotion they're feeling. I find it personally inspirational even if I feel like gnawing off my own hand every time I attempt to draw my own frame-by-frame animation.

Study film. I studied film very, very briefly and a wee snippet of that was studying storyboards (as in: in library, with book) and doing some storyboard art projects (as in: at desk, with sketchbook). I treat every comic I do as if I was storyboarding the animated scene from the disjointed animated film in my brain and then polish it up to make it more readable/enjoyable.

Hope that helps!

[maximumwobblerbanditdonut]

What to Do When SH Doesn’t Remember Details?

Men in Kilt season 2 was filmed in New Zealand 🇳🇿 between January and February 2022, and in Sam's memories of “Waypoints”, months later same year, he supposedly “wrote” the book (or was its ghostwriter 🤔 ) Sam mentioned his father, saying, “I have few memories of my dad, he left when I was 18 months old. I didn’t connect with him again until I was an adult.” Well, it’s not typical for people to have clear and detailed memories as early as 18 months.

But now, in Men in Kilt 2 this season, Sam is seen exploring New Zealand culture and in episode two, he learns about Māori tattoos and even has one drawn by the artist who created the design, which is supposed to represent his life in Sam's arm, he spoke on his father repeatedly with a different version Sam says: “My dad left when I was very young. Three years old. So, I didn't know him at all”

In "Waypoints," he described his father's absence and then how he got to know him much later. A turn of events after Heughan and her brother met his father in 2013, her father was ill with leukaemia and passed away from the disease. Sam and his brother were not present at his father's funeral. Sam was in his mid-thirties and didn't meet his father when he was in his mid-twenties, as he says.

This shows that challenging him to walk the West Highland Way for his book 📕 “Waypoints” didn't help him accept himself. This is important to mention, he not only can't clearly remember what he said before, but his few memories of him are like traces in the recycle bin that are restored when he wants to tell us another story, a way of not dealing with anxiety or pressure to perform. We'll wait for the sequel to his Clanlands New Zealand book and find the wee lads photo when he admitted that he “didn't know" his father's name growing up.

But, the proof that he knew his father’s name is on his birth certificate. If the natural parents are married or in a civil union, both must have their names registered. And Sam carries his father’s name. He may be confused and want to say that his father's name was not mentioned when he was growing up, which was not necessary, due to the circumstances, but it is different to say that he did not know his father’s name growing up because that detail would be incorrect.

Perhaps he had a trauma growing up without a father? But millions of children live without a father at home. He would not be the first nor the last. If he had a traumatic childhood, he needs professional help (not from his fans or his friends in the entertainment media) and does not change a private and personal part of his memory every time, wanting pity.

Some people who suffer from (C) PTSD or dissociative disorders (all from trauma) want your sympathy or pampering, special treatment, fear of being 'ignored', or “isolated”. But SH must stop turning a delicate and intimate situation in his life in front of the cameras into a drama that inspires pity, as a way of supporting him.

People confuse, this is not surprising, he already did it in a public forum when he promoted his book, it is not courage or vulnerability to talk about his most intimate things before the camera, he decided to speak without discretion, and it is not innermost because his beliefs and convictions change according to the moment.

Have you ever wondered how his elder brother feels if he also grew up without his father?

#MiK2 #Waypoints #MeninKilts #Starz

@shinycomputerqueen @scdenmark Yeah! Sam has been telling different versions since Clanlands 1. He also mentioned that he sparked an emotional reunion with his estranged father when revealed that he first met his father as an adult while he was on his deathbed. How can anyone explain this unique version? This was published in Scotland.

At its essence, this saying tells us it's alright to lie, omit the facts, or twist the plot for the sake of a good story. This is definitely an appropriate quote for SH.

@supermassivetragedy Regarding your observations, you hear him say... “three years” (not a few years) He is an inconsistent, unpredictable man, he does not behave in the same way every time a similar situation occurs. Regardless of the reason, it can be frustrating to hear the same stories with different, inconsistent movements. SH is a narcissist supported by fans and friends, who think he is “special” and try to make him superior and he buys it. However, there may be other underlying psychological factors that contribute to this behaviour, such as a need for validation or a desire to establish a sense of identity or belonging.

Parents do not abandon their children. Here the father left for some reason unknown to us and apparently also for SH. There can be many reasons why a parent left, but I doubt it’s because of the child. (he or his brother)

In your observation ..” perhaps his mother didn’t want her children to know their father”… I can understand that the mother does not want her husband in her life perhaps the partner never kept his promises or fulfilled their part of the deal, who knows? but these are not valid situations for a mother to remove a child from his father’s life.

It’s not about the birth certificate. It’s about a child who didn’t have help at home to recognise and remember the name of his father. Sam frequented primary school when was a child. In Scotland when you send your child to school you need the original birth certificate to enrol your child in a nursery or school. The school knew his father’s name, and They didn't have to hide that from a child, that's natural.

@shoutlandish As a fan, you are emotional and that affects your logical reasoning: the evidence is in front of you, and you can't admit that he has a problem. I don't know which celebrity you mean. SH is not considered a celebrity, that's for his fan club and friends. He is not a so-called “A-list” celebrity. I consider you to be mistaken. Few things in life cannot be taken lightly because there are no small accomplishments, and making mistakes can be expensive.

He can't bring up a situation he wrote about before and then change the facts. He has memory lapses in which he cannot recall certain events or information about himself. This was a situation part of his personal life history, not an illusion of his life choices, these are not stories from a storyteller that fans feel they should treat with humour, like everything related to SH.

As you said, the image of Sam does not fit, because he has not convinced or persuaded everyone, and what he says after this, nobody will care. That's sad, Thank you for visiting my blog 💙

@marglyns People have different opinions. The point is that differences of opinion don't always lead to fruitful discussions with SH fans. This often leads to heated one-sided arguments and results in difficult emotions, which I don't have towards SH. They are not the same. People have the right to have opinions and thoughts of their own without eagerly waiting for the approval of anyone from the SH fan club.

Opinions are not altered or painted, just to console some and not upset them, because his obsessive fans don't accept that he makes mistakes. He does good things but tarnishes them with his mistakes because he never received the proper training.

If you don't accept feedback, that's your problem, not mine. Just don't suffocate or force them to accept their inconsistencies. You have the right to disagree, just as I have the right to express mine on my blog. As I said before My blog my rules, Thanks for your visit 💙

[cobiehaven]

Painting with Our Hearts — Lee Juyeon

SYNPOSIS; you despised your best friend for asking you to mentor her in the field of dating when you yourself hated the idea of being tied down to a man. but soon enough, she got the hang of it without the usage of your advice. so much so that her relationship escalated with a ring of engagement! in only 6 months? you know you should focus on your studies and get ready for graduation in dreams of starting your new life, fresh and problem free, but you face something much more scary than freedom. the side effects of this forbidden relationship you have fallen into with a man who you know you shouldn’t love..

PAIRING; artist!juyeon x fem!reader

GENRE; drama, fluff, angst

WORD COUNT; 4.7k

TAGS/WARNINGS; collage au, art major au, strangers to lovers, lowkey obsessive!juyeon, reader hates basically everyone, cheating (im sorry ily juju), strong language, tension, mentions of starving for weight loss, a bit suggestive, mentions of engagement, mention of starting a family, legal drinking, lying and betrayal, arguing, broken friendship, lowkey didn’t know where i was going with the ending, procrastinated wayyy too long on this so probably ass 😀.

AUTHORS NOTE; i felt awkward writing this because never in a million years would i imagine juyeon cheating but then again it was for the sake of the fic so enjoy.

FLASHBACK

“don’t you think you’re going a little too overboard? at this rate, you’re going to gain some kind of disorder,” you sat with your chin resting in the palm of your hand as you watched your best friend, feng, continue to whine and complain about her body.

you swore you had never seen her whip her head around so fast. “what?! overboard? psh, as if,” she waved off but was awkwardly cut off when a loud rumble erupted from her stomach. you raised a brow, her expression lowering to a pout.

“okay, and what about it?” she stuck her chin out at you.

“you’re going to get sick.”

“so? it’s worth it.”

your eyes trailed from head to toe and pressed your lips together with tension. how could she possibly care more about her image over her health?

“what are you even doing this for? doesn’t your rich family already force you to keep a healthy diet?” you asked, lifting your head out of your hand and instead, leaning back in the comfort of your chair. “which makes it even easier to loose all of this fat!” it was silent for a moment as your friend took her sweet time to check herself out in the long body mirror she had behind her overly decorated door. “anyways,” you waited for her go on with her sentence. “you know that boy that sits in the back of your arts class?”

“oh my god.”

“no, listen!”

“i’m leaving.”

“please!” she pouted.

you still sent her the most uninterested look known to man. but with one hard eye roll and loud groan, you sunk down into your chair. “go on.”

“good!” her emotion changing within seconds. “i heard he likes girls on the smaller side. the ones with small waists and tiny faces! minjoo told me so last week! i’m setting goals for myself,” she shot her brightest smile and swayed around her room as she went on and on about the likes and dislikes she had heard from others about this boy. this boy that had been the talk of the school since he moved into the fine arts department. the exact one that had many other girls soothing over him when he didn’t even do as much as even look their direction. sure, he was good-looking but was that really all anyone needed to fall head over heels for someone?

“minjoo? as in the minjoo that supposedly dated and dumped juyeon after 2 days because he was too ‘quiet’?” you raised your brow again, this time tilting your head down in a ‘you’ve got to be joking’ kind of way. “yes! her!” feng smiles. “as if two days is enough time to learn all about someone’s likes, dislikes, turn-ons, turn-offs!” you sighed. “have you even talked to him before?”

feng shook her head which only had you rolling your eyes for probably the 5th time this morning.

“i was planning on asking you to help me approach him..?” she tangled her fingers together in front of herself, shrugging up her shoulders in a pleading manner. “i know it’s a stretch to think i have a chance with him but please!” she begged. “why me?” she knew how much you hated things like this. much less men. you’d never be able to understand them. “because you love me~!” she shot you the biggest smile as she took your hands into hers. you gave her a playful and shocked expression, “ain’t no way you just pulled that card on me.”

her glued on poker face seemed to prove you wrong.

pushing her away, you stood up and crossed your arms in front of her and with one deep sigh, “what do i get out of this?” you asked.

payment was expected for hard and excruciating work.

“i’ll do all of your house work including running hall errands for you during the school day for a month!”

“two months.”

“a month and one week?”

“listen, i’m getting involved with a man for you.”

“okay okay!! a month and a half.”

“cool, now go get me a soda.”

“what?! but i said during the school day!” she complained while you wandered over to the bed. falling down into it with a satisfied grunt. “and technically we have class in 30 minutes, so you better get the drink quick so we can walk there in less than a hurry,” you replied which had her shuffling her way to the door.

PRESENT TIME

you didn’t really know why you agreed to this. why you didn’t just gather up everything in you to just tell her no and get on with your life. it would have been easier for you. without feng around, it was awkward to see juyeon’s face around. neither of you went out of your way to say hi to each other but you could feel his eyes staring into the back of your head during classes.

without feng, you would have no business with juyeon at all.

so why was he the one to invite you to your departments celebration party for winning 1st in competition during winter break? saying that he needed to discuss something with you in private?

especially when he was already dating your best friend?

what exactly was he in need of telling you so badly?

sucking up a large sigh, you swung open the door to the korean bbq place everyone had agreed to meet at. you were a little surprised by the amount of people this place agreed to let in but it seemed to be the class presidents last resort since many in the class were still too young to go clubbing. luckily, not everyone showed up.

“y/n!” a familiar voice called, gesturing you over to the table.

you sat at the end, not wanting to be squished in between anybody who reeked of alcohol and grease. you insisted on getting a table for yourself but the staff wouldn’t let you as they were already finding a hard time serving your department as it was. maybe it would have been easier to just not come. while juyeon was the one to invite you, he didn’t seem to be anywhere around the tables that were already set.

“hey, where’s juyeon?” you asked the girl sitting next to you. “i think he said he was running a bit late.”

speaking of juyeon, your head whipped around when you heard your department cheering for his arrival. he looked winded and messy coming in through the door but he shot a happy smile when everyone was glad to see him. you rolled your eyes at how obnoxious everyone was being.

unfortunately, you had to give up your edge seat and slide further down the booth for him to sit down. it was the only space that was left.

yeah, you really shouldn’t have come.

claustrophobia was overcoming you as you could feel juyeons cold pressing against your side. “i’m glad you could come,” he turned towards you. “i’m glad you could come late,” even without looking his way, you could feel his expression falling into a frown.

it was silent amongst you two. you really didn’t have much to talk about with him considering you only knew each other through feng. only chiming in when the guys across from you both had interesting things to comment on. the reek of alcohol became stronger as you started to get more and more out of it with each sip.

it went on like that for a while before your attention was caught by the girl next to you suddenly banging her hands on the table. “soojin?” you called out her name over the booming music. “are you okay?” you asked half-slurred. before you knew it, she had turned towards you and spilled whatever she had eaten that night all into your lap. the guys around the table all backing away with disgust and shock. but you were paying no attention to them and only at the pool of vomit seeping through the thickness of your clothes. your eyes trailed up to the girls in front of you before she slurred some “im sorry”’s before slumping back against the booth.

“oh my god, i think im going to throw up,” one of the guys across from you slapped his hand over his mouth. to which the other guy had yelled out an abundant of curses for him not too.

you were still in shock. you could feel the warm liquid seeping far enough to touch your bare skin, that alone making you want to wake the girl up and sock her right in the nose for putting you in such a disgusting situation. if it wasn’t for your hazy mind, you probably would have. suddenly, you felt a pair of hands on your legs making you nearly jump out of your seat, but you just tensed when you realized it was juyeons, scraping the chunks off of your pants with a thick handful of napkins. it wasn’t long before he grabbed your hand and dragged you to the mens bathroom, not even having the mind to argue with his actions.

“im sorry, y/n.”

was he apologizing for touching you? or forcing you into the bathroom with him? or maybe inviting you to this overly crowded korean bbq?

“i have spare clothes in my car. do you think you’re okay enough to wait here while i go get them?” he asked, looking into your hooded eyes. “im not fucking five. i don’t need your help,” you shrugged his protective arm off of you and headed for the door. “wait!” juyeon grabbed your wrist, making you whip your head around. “you have shit all over you. please, let me help you.”

technically he did get you into this situation. even if he didn’t know something like this was going to happen.

“fine. just hurry,” you huffed. “its already embarrassing enough just standing here in front of you like this..” you mumbled as your arms coiled around your body.

just as so, juyeon didn’t take long. he came back to hand you a change of clothes, even adding a pair of socks to the pile. patiently waiting outside the family stall as you took your sweet time changing, you grumbled with each peel of damp clothing off of your body.

“juyeon?” you called.

“yeah?”

“can you hand me a wet paper towel?”

within seconds, you shuffled over to take the wet cloth out of juyeon’s hands from under the stall door. “thanks.” it took you a while to wipe yourself down, trying not to stumble over every time your mind started to give in to the heavy alcoholic haze overcoming you but soon enough, you flushed the paper down the toilet and shrugged on the loose fitting clothes into your body.

“please, let me take your clothes home and wash them for you,” he insisted the moment you unlocked the stall door. his eyes locking on his oversized clothes quite literally engulfing your figure. it took you a moment to register his staring, much less his words. but once you did, you just scoffed and crossed your arms over yourself. “stop staring you perv,” you fixed a hardened gaze on him. “forget it, just, thank you for the clothes.”

“wait!” he stopped you after you had pushed past him.

“ugh, what now?”

“how are you getting home?”

“why do you care?” you asked with a raise of your brow. “because if you plan on driving home, you’re way too drunk to be driving,” he exclaimed. “its fine, ill just take a taxi or something,” you said before rushing out of the bathroom, this time not giving him the time to stop you. “oh? y/n? why did you just come out of the boys- hey!” you pushed past your classmate rudely just to get out of there. you could care less about the many voices calling for you, not wanting you to leave so soon. you were done with ‘parties’.

you just wanted the embarrassment to stop.

the next few days seemed to go by normally. along with the next month or two. nothing out of the ordinary seemed to happen and primarily just went back to your daily school work and boring life. feng and juyeon were together per usual and you stayed silent for a lot of their interactions. the only times you seemed to see juyeon without feng around was whenever he happened to pass by you in the halls or in class but other than that, it became a common occurrence that juyeon joined in on you and feng’s time together. it annoyed you a lot, especially when feng never gave you the option to leave when she wasn’t even paying attention to you in the first place.

actually, the annoying part wasn’t the two of them together, necessarily, it was more so juyeon that wanted to get your attention outside of that time that started to get you annoyed of the times when he was with you and feng. for example, the multiple times he begged you during class to lend your notes to him, or the times he asked you to do the bare minimum like open his milk carton for him during lunch, or even the time he made you walk 5 blocks down the street during a heatwave just to return his clothes to him while he was working.

as much as you hated him for wasting your time, the more you started to have less of a reason to want to hate him with the efforts he made in occupying your time.

but of course, at the end of the day, he still belonged to your best friend.

you found it easier to block them out with the help of your headphones and laptop. your music and videos was much more worth it than some guy and his obsessive girlfriend.

oh, you mean, your best friend.

you sat quietly as you were trying your best to block out the distracting noise coming from the two of them, focusing more on your homework that was giving you more of a headache than their love language. you brushed it off for as long as you could before you sighed and stood up, the scrapping of your seat against the floor made feng crank her neck towards you.

“where are you going?” she asked. “home, i can’t focus here and my head is killing me,” you replied, packing up your stuff as the enormous pile of books weighed you down everyday.

you failed to notice juyeon’s visible concern.

“oh okay,” she shrugged.

“feel better.”

you and juyeon shared eye contact with each other for a few seconds before heading off. you didn’t know why but something about that sounded like it had much more of a deeper meaning than just a get well wish.

when you got home, you were relieved with how still your house was. it started to subside your headache. but your relaxation was cut short when you felt a buzz in your pocket.

juyeon:

that’s quite the amount of stress you have packing on

you:

what?

juyeon:

the books

you’ve been working non-stop on papers for the past three days, you really deserve a break

you:

i’ll be fine, it’s nothing to worry about

you stared at the messages for a few seconds before realizing he probably wasn’t going to say anything else. putting your phone to your side, you sat up on your bed with a deep sigh. “i’ll probably just take some pain killers and work some more..” you mumbled to yourself, rubbing your palms over your tired eyes.

another buzz caught your attention.

juyeon:

meet me in 10 in the loft.

the period scared you.

15 MINUTES LATER

you arrived in the loft as told, figuring that there would be no reason to ignore it when you knew he’d probably just come to your house if you didn’t answer.

he was really confusing sometimes.

“juyeon?” you called.

the lights were still off. had you gotten there too early? surely not, a walk from your house to the studio was 15 minutes, not 10.

“juyeon, this isn’t funny. let’s just make this quick.” you called again, this time stating your conditions. you were about to get fed up with waiting before you suddenly felt something cold splash onto your back, making you yelp and jump forward, whipping your head around in the plain darkness. you could see a dark silhouette and quickly made it out to be juyeon’s slender figure. “what the fuck?!” you cursed before the lights were flashed on. your eyes having to take a moment to adjust to the sudden change.

he was laughing. crying, even. looking at yourself, you realized he had thrown white paint on you seeing as he still had the bucket in his hands.

you were not going to let him get away with this.

“you little shit,” you cursed again before taking all of your anger and grabbing the first bucket you saw and prying open the top, chasing juyeon around the room and successfully whisking the liquid onto him. you both when back and forth, the challenge becoming so much that you soon started to forget about your troubles, about your work, about feng and even the ones deep down that you didn’t want to admit.

this was the most fun you’ve had in a long, long, time.

“please! have mercy!” juyeon cried with added laughter as you continued to pour, purple, paint onto him. “you’ve brought this upon yourself,” you laughed before he tried pushing you away from him, somehow fully knocking you over in the process and bringing himself down along with you.

he shielded your fall with his hands behind your back and head but once he came to realization as to what position you were in, his eyes widened and his whole body tensed up. yours did the same.

it was silent. the short few moments of you both having fun was turned into long and breathtaking moments. not to mention how close he was to you, what it felt like to have his fingers tangled in your hair, what it felt like to hear both of your hearts beating the same cadence in this silent room. you watched as his eyes trailed from yours, down to your lips, and then back up. the look he was giving you was almost inviting but also scared.

you really didn’t know how to describe this feeling.

in a panic, you broke the moment to trail your hands up the tiny space between you both to quickly smear what paint you had left on your hands. the colors mixing into his caramel tone and making him not any less beautiful than he already was.

maybe you were starting to see what girls saw in this man.

“hey..!” he whined, smacking your hands off of him. he squinted his eyes at you challengingly, but just gave you a sly smirk instead.

it was hard to believe this was the same timid guy from a few days ago.

helping you to your feet, he ran his fingers through his dry but, at the same time, wet, hair. “how do you feel?” he asked.

“definitely better, no more headache.”

“that’s good. that was the goal,” he smiled and fixed himself up. just as you were about to straighten your clothes, you paused and looked up at him. “wait, you brought me here just for that?” you asked.

“don’t get mad. i was just trying to-“

“i’m not mad. it’s just.. i thought you wanted to talk.”

“about what?”

you rolled your eyes at his stupidity.

“about whatever it was you wanted to tell me a couple months back? you never ended up telling me.”

it took him a second to try and think back on it, but eventually he did.

“yeah because you left before i could!” he protested. you giving him yet another eye roll. “well i’m here now so what was it?”

he hesitated. you could tell by the way he was looking around at anything but you that the same timidness from before was back.

“juyeon?” you called out to him, awaiting his answer.

“feng proposed to me.”

the silence was long. extremely long. nothing could express the amount of shock and unknown pain that you were overcome with. you swore you felt your heart sink down into the pit of your stomach.

“what..?” you refused to believe it.

“she proposed to me. a week ago. after 5 months of dating and she’s waiting for my answer on our 6th month anniversary.”

“which is when?”

“…today.”

you wanted nothing more than for the world to open up from underneath you and swallow you whole. what was feng thinking? what were you thinking? how could you get flustered over some boy who you barely know? especially one who was about to get engaged to your best friend. one that you helped your best friend get together with!

“well, what are you going to say?” you asked, you could feel your blood starting to boil with anger. but not knowing where exactly it was coming from. but you tried your best to sound calm and collected as your biggest fear was probably him finding out that you were lowkey crushing on him, this way.

“i don’t know yet,” juyeon murmured. “i was going to ask you.”

“why do you need to ask me for advice on your own personal problems?”

“because.”

“because?”

“because!”

“i’m not following.”

you could tell he was starting to get riled up. “because i’m not sure if i actually like her!” he screamed. to your own shock, you could tell he was holding in those exact words for a long while.

“so.. you played her?” you weren’t sure wether to feel relieved or pissed off about that. “or i guess.. playing her?” you switched to present tense.

“i don’t know..” he ran his hands down his face in frustration. “i just.. im not sure if i’m ready for marriage? but knowing her, if i reject her, she’ll think i don’t love her anymore and i don’t want to have that sort of confusion within our relationship all of the time. she already thinks i talk to you too much,” he sighed.

feng thinks he talks to you too much? since when has she ever been around to see the both of you have a consistent conversation other than about school work?

whatever, you didn’t want to worry about that right now. you had a boy stressed out of his mind right in front of you. “juyeon, it sounds more to me that you’re just in a toxic relationship.”

it was silent for a moment as all he did was just stare at the ground but as much as he didn’t want to agree with you, he knew you were right. “what should i do?” he asked. but he already knew what your answer was going to be… and you didn’t want to give him that kind of heartbreak. “do what you feel is right,” you said softly. you hesitated but after a while, you snaked your arm around his back and rubbed light circles onto his shoulder blades. he lowered himself to your height and buried his face into your shoulder, his arms wrapping around you into a deep hug. he didn’t cry, but you could tell he was confused and hurt. this had been bothering him for quite some time.

cutting the relaxing hug short, you were met with his eyes as your own filtered with confusion. “are you feeling better now?” you asked. “no,” he replied. as you were about to open your mouth to respond, he quickly furthered your confusion as he captured your lips into a soft kiss. your eyes growing wide in utter shock as you didn’t know what to do with your hands. much less your anything else. this was the first time you had ever kissed someone. or.. be kissed by someone. nonetheless, with your little knowledge from the various kdramas you had watched in your time, you closed your eyes and tried to act like you knew what you were doing. luckily, juyeon sensed your embarrassment and swiftly led your arms around his neck as he did all of the work for you. leading the kiss into soft multiple ones that had you getting the flow down instantly. after about a minute or so, you broke away, or maybe he did. you couldn’t tell with how hazed your mind was right now.

“are you.. feeling better now?” you asked for the second time.

you didn’t get an answer.

“did you have a talk with feng?” you asked juyeon as the two of you walked into class together, having conveniently run into each other in the hallway. “i don’t want to talk about it,” he sighed out, though it sounded more of like a groan. luckily for you, you sat right in front of juyeon so you didn’t have to cut the conversation short.

“you should just be honest with her, it’s the better option.”

he agreed yet he still looked so troubled.

“don’t tell me you were planning to do it through text-“

“do you really think that lowly of me?”

well… considering he got himself into this whole mess…

“please don’t just bare through it when you know it won’t work out. that’s possibly the worst thing you could do,” you sighed, reaching your hand out to place on top of his in a comforting way. but he snatched his hand away with such force that it had you even more confused than before.

did he not want to be around you? if so, then why did he kiss you?

“am i just that bad at kissing?” you said half-heartedly but you were immediately shut down by juyeon who hushed you. “don’t say it so loud!” he whisper-yelled at you. you understood that he didn’t want anyone to know that he technically cheated on his girlfriend—which you still weren’t sure if you were happy or upset about—but he didn’t have to reject your comfort when you tried to give it to him for his sake. “then what is it?” he rubbed at his temples, “y/n, i think she already knows.”

juyeon sighed and stared down at his fingers that sat in his lap. when he felt like he could muster up the courage to tell you more, he glanced around one time just to make sure no one was within close enough range. “today, before school, she told me that as soon as we got married with our parents approval.. she wanted to move abroad and start a family. she kept going on about how much of a future she wanted with me and i wasn’t sure how to respond to it all. i got so stressed out that i ended up snapping at her and walking away.” he shifted awkwardly in his seat as if he was waiting for the moment his girlfriend would walk in through that door despite not sharing a single class together. “she didn’t chance after me like she usually does when we have arguments,” he said.

for as long as you knew feng, she had always been an overbearing person. she was a very ‘up in your face’ kind of girl and that’s what made people either really like her or really hate her.

hearing about how she bombarded juyeon with such a wide topic, you could only imagine how he must of felt.

luckily, she knew her place when it came to conversations with you. it was a blessing.

“that’s good, though!” you exclaimed. “it would make it easier for you to break it off.”

“i just cant stop thinking about what she’d say if she found out i kissed her best friend on the day of our 6 months,” he sighed and cupped his hands over his face, leaning forward onto the desk.

your attention was caught when you felt a buzz in your back pocket. pulling out your phone, you were greet by a message from your best friend. except.. maybe said best friend, didn’t want to be best friends anymore.

“oh no..” you trailed off.

“what?” juyeon asked, peeking at you from between his fingers.

you hesitated for a long minute but eventually flipped your phone around enough for him to view the screen.

.

.

.

feng:

[sent attached photo]

once a cheater, always a cheater.

fuck you both.

proof read by @hwasluvr

© cobiehaven 2023

[msfbgraves]

What do you think of The Godfather Part 3? I honestly hate most of it, it just feels like poorly written fanfiction lol. I can't decide what's the worst bit: Mary, Mary and Vincent's incestuous relationship (WHY!!), Michael and Kay, Michael being totally OOC (smiling, being jovial), Michael's truly horrible haircut (might be the single worst offender for me OMG)...just a bad film in my opinion. I like to pretend it doesn't exist.

I personally really like Sherlock series 1 and 2, and ignore the existence of the rest of it, pretty much. That works fine. But if you don't mind me feeling differently while understanding where you're coming from, Nonnie - I really like the Godfather Coda, the Death of Michael Corleone. Part III, the first cut, nah, I think we can put that aside. And yes, the difference in Michael is too jarring for the most part. I've watched Pacino in different things, and he seems to prefer playing more extrovert men, and seems to have decided playing Michael that way was what felt best to him. And I could see it - there are some hints of that Michael very early in film 1 with Kay - but they'd need to do a better job bridging that gap visually. I can forgive it, because I do see this film as Don Corleone desperately trying to go back to being a man, Michael Andolini if you will, the man he would have been had he not picked up the mantle of Don, the man he can't ever be. Vito saw the tragedy in his son picking up that mantle, he almost apologised: "There wasn't enough time, Michael." Michael now sees Vincent being hungry for it while he cannot escape how his own choices are eating at him. When he wants his son to join him, he is rebuffed. When he forbids his daughter to join him through Vincent,he is rebuffed. I think the figure of Mary shows very clearly how he has lost all the loves of his life to this crime, in the dancing scenes: Apollonia, Kay, yes, Kay, people, and now the one who yet loves him as a man first - Mary. Connie, too, has been entirely corrupted.

The third Godfather gives us a whole film about this stage of alienation and power slipping from us, while framing the rise of Vincent not as a triumph but as a horror. Vito's rising was mostly triumphant, as he honoured his relationships. Michael's rising was terrible on everyone he loved... and Vincent's rising through Michael's eyes is sleazy. A rotten thing that Michael can't escape.

But most gangster films give that a couple of scenes at most, indeed a coda... but Coppola was like: if you insist on milking this, I refuse to go easy on you. I will not do it, I will give you the wreckage I spent two films building up.

Artistically brave, but a genre break, and a sad thing too that these men can't figure out a way to include a young woman in this action other than through love. Cousins marrying was not totally unheard of in the Sicilian old world, though, I don't think. Small island, few newcomers. These things die out hard. Just another way to show how this old world clashes with the life Michael chases and can never reach - through his own choices! It's a true tragedy! Could he have done differently? Yes, but also no, he is Michael. Who bears the emotional fallout of this, and this I love - the women! The ones who are supposedly so cutoff from all this! Connie gets abused, widowed, and has to submit to her own brother in an effort to save the other and herself. Again, she's lost two siblings and a husband to this violence! Kay lives in terror and still loses a daughter. Mary - poorly acted Mary, I'm sorry, even recut the others outshine her too much - killed by a bullet meant for Michael, and Michael, forced to live with his failure exiled in the Sicily he tried all his life to leave behind... it's tonally a break and not at all what a lot of fans of the first two would have come to the cinema for. But what do I think?

I think despite its flaws it's brave and necessary.

I mean I love that Michael ends this film alone, ashamed and cursedly alive.

[beatsboy]

8.17.24 / day 55 of being a delusional artist

day 3 of moon time

today (yesterday) was long, it was hot, i did not defend my time as an artist instead, i stretched outward, into the world, missed my apartment the entire time. the time i felt most comfortable, oddly, was during my 9am session with eugene, though that likely means that each event throughout the day merely chipped away at me, bit by bit, until i came home, exhausted, at about 6pm.

day 3 of my period, and everything that touches me feels like a needle, my emotions are like bottled live electricity and can be affected by everything and anything. on top of it all, i am in excruciating pain every so often, and it feels like every time i bounce back from a cramp attack, i am hit by another.

i used to snort coke off of toilet seats and now i am experience an intensely growing fear of plastics and toxic chemicals in everything from my food, to my clothes, my sheets, my towels, my dish ware, pretty much everything. everything is plastic, though, in this day + age, and i have to come to terms with the fact that even if this is a problem that exists and is valid in the world, i cannot afford to replace my entire wardrobe with natural cotton fibers and linens that are non-toxic and have no artificial dyes. i can’t replace every plastic thing in my home, i can’t even afford to buy all organic groceries. that doesn’t stop me from spiraling every time i go grocery shopping, though. it doesn’t stop me from panicking every time i want to eat something that i didn’t make myself (so i don’t, or i do and i immediately become afraid/anxious)

tonight i watched the first episode of the new season of the umbrella academy and in this season, victor (elliot page’s character <3) is a womanizing bar owner that has run through every woman in town (love) and klause (token mentally ill/addicted character) looks to have developed some form of OCD, especially in regards to germs and contamination. He is newly sober in this season, and has transformed into a clean freak, paranoid, control-seeking individual. Is this normal for recovering addicts? To pull a complete 180 and try to control everything in your environment? is it because we know how close we’ve been to death that we want to do anything and everything in our control to prevent it from being not on our terms?

part of me sees how i am living an unhealthy life, but the other part of me just thinks i’m right. it’s hard to tell yourself that you’re wrong when every day there’s a news story about some company/farm/manufacturer’s investigation findings being released on toxic chemicals present (above the legal limit, of course). it’s always the same; some company, whether it be kerrygold (my favorite butter), crocs (my favorite shoes), boar’s head (my favorite roast beef), raw rolling papers (supposedly natural, used them for years), simply made orange juice (literally almost bought the day before the lawsuit went public), or seltzer water (thankfully i hate that shit), it’s always the same. ok, boars head was lysteria, but the rest were all chemicals above the legal limit. arsenic, bpas, bpfs, bpss, lead, piss, whatever. poison in something i’ve consumed, worn, used.

i used to poison myself all the time, though, right? so why should it bother my this much? why does it bother me so much than it did before?

i used to think i was confident, i think i was just vacant, dissociating so much that i could be whatever people wanted me to be i never used to spend this much time thinking about my principles, how my actions, from what i buy, to what i support, to who i support, reflect myself as a person, and how they do and don’t align with who i am. i didn’t used to wince at the perfect drying rack someone sends me in an amazon link because i’m boycotting. i would have just bought it. “there’s no ethical consumption under capitalism” i would have said. sure, but some consumption is, let’s say, less unethical than others. and maybe i knew that when i was 20, in college, ordering everything for my freshman dorm from amazon because i didn’t have a car and it was easy. maybe i knew that it was unethical and wasn’t who i was as a person, and did it anyway, because it was easy. or maybe i wasn’t this person yet. maybe this person i am now, 7 years in the future, is simply the kind of person who does not do that. and maybe that’s because i got sober, and maybe that was just part of it. the tipping point, between freedom and intention. between chaos and direction. i find it hard to just let go now. the person i am now is holding on tight to rules that do not apply to the person i dream of being. the person i dream of being does not wish to control his world. the person i dream of being flows through the world, and hopes to leave it a little better than when he found it, though i suppose even that is hubris, to wish to change something else. for i know the only thing i have control over changing is myself.

[nightcrawlerzincorporated]

21 & 22!

Everyone wants to know my unpopular opinions huh lol

21. part of canon you think is overhyped

Honestly. Mac Finds His Pride. I love the idea of Mac accepting himself and coming out to his dad and Frank saying “I get it”, but everything else about the episode is uh. Like the weird Goldilocks “this place is too sexual, this place isn’t sexual enough” beginning of the episode is so unfunny to me and I get that the idea is Mac feels like he can’t give anything a chance until he talks to his dad, but that still leaves me with an episode that’s largely boring and annoying to me until the one single Emotional Moment. And said emotional moment doesn’t even have any sort of impact on the narrative. They say “oh Mac’s finally more comfortable being gay” but to me he doesn’t act any different in episodes going forward than before. In season 15 he’s back to desperately trying to find connection with his dad in Ireland so his dad rejecting him again seemingly didn’t actually change how Mac saw him or himself at all. In season 16 with Shoots it’s even worse—he literally chooses his dad over another gay man in a weird “I’ll always choose my father’s imagined approval over homosexual community and solidarity” move that completely goes back on the lesson he supposedly learned. So what does MFHP have left? A single (very beautiful and artistic) coming out dance that doesn’t even seem to matter in the grand scheme of Mac’s life? Hero or Hate Crime is a more impactful coming out with more tangible effects on the characters and narrative. “Well MFHP is really about Frank!” Okay even if you wanna go there does he actually act meaningfully less homophobic after? Does he actually start being more of a father figure to Mac? I’d argue no. It’s wild to me that this is the episode that gets the most press and praise and attention even to this day because I think it’s honestly a really poor example of what Sunny can do both comedically and emotionally. But that’s just my opinion, I get why so many people still connect to it and love it.

22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

I’ve seen people talk about him so it’s not “everyone” but I feel like most people ignore Frank in general beyond how he affects the rest of the cast. Which is understandable, but his mind is fascinating to me—he wants so badly to be loved and form connections with people but he’s so paranoid about being fucked over he fucks over everyone else before they can get too close. Despite all his vibrato he seems to genuinely believe no one but Charlie could ever like him for his personality. And even with Charlie he has to be the one in control of the relationship at all times to feel safe. But he’s also the most secure of anyone in the gang because he knows that his pursuit of wealth made him do monstrous thing but he doesn’t care because he fully embraces being a monster. Everyone else in the gang tries to justify themselves but Frank knows he’s evil and is cool with being that way. And I think that’s neat.

Choose Violence ask game

[donnerpartyofone]

Last night my husband took me to this performance by a popular or at least very culty singer-songwriter who he loves. It took place in the lounge of this artist space among endless warehouses and I would say there were 20 or fewer people there, it seemed like it should have been extremely expensive but it wasn't for some reason. The lounge was very cushy and for most of the time I couldn't take my eyes off a large futuristic piece of machinery from this company stuffed into the corner. Many of the people there seemed to be the singer's personal friends, and they were very interesting, at least as interesting to me as the show; one of them had some high level water treatment job, and another described how he was part of a team commissioned by the Department of Defense to come up with a list of things that could explain away specific UFO sightings. I began to feel as if the people around me could be literally anyone. The singer played songs that he described as "rarities" and they happened to be like 90% my husband's favorite songs, which we had no idea were considered to be obscure. He kept asking us to say if he was being entertaining, if he was saying anything funny or interesting yet, and most especially if we were all "happy". I felt like saying, Well no, I think the world is coming to an end and I feel disgusting and inappropriate everywhere I go, but since you're being so openly needy, fine yeah I'm "happy". He looked a little like Martin Short with teal dye quickly leaching out of his overbleached hair, I thought he was probably about 60, or maybe just aging fast from constant touring. Meanwhile a very, Very young-looking blonde woman who seemed to be working the show turned out to be his girlfriend; she full-body spooned up on him while he was talking to others, and while he was performing she gazed at him as if she couldn't wait for everyone to leave. It was impossible to be unaware of her, of her emotional state. He referred to her constantly throughout the show, tried to get her to join in the performance, tried to make us all gaze upon her, told us personal stories about the failed relationship she had before him. (He encouraged everyone to take photos and record him, so hopefully the ex-boyfriend never has to hear that part) At one point she got up to use the bathroom and while she was crossing the room he described how destroyed he would be if she abandoned him. Part of his gimmick was answering anonymous questions we had written down, and when he picked one that turned out to be from her, they had this mini argument in front of us where they whispered and mewed and cooed at each other until finally, against her wishes (supposedly), he read her question about whether they could get married. I was profoundly mortified that I might be unwittingly participating in her weird proposal, but then they immediately revealed that they already had plans to get married, so I guess him calling her his "girlfriend" all night was a red herring, but anyway they got whatever applause they were fixing for. It was all very strange and it left a very strange taste in my mouth. Today I kept noticing this deeply unsettled feeling creeping over me and I'd wonder what was wrong with me until I remembered, Oh yeah, it's because of last night.

[livingasaghost]

september was not great folks, but we're trying <3

in the saddest realization of the season i discovered that my favorite part of the day is my 40m drive to work because it's chilly and i can see a lot of trees and the morning light and i also am in the perfect headspace to listen to Good Music and it's like when i used to make my morning playlists for opening the coffeeshop except soooo much more enjoyable

been listening to lots of holly humberstone and NF's new album and justin vernon stuff (bon iver, BRM, etc) and unfortunately gracie abrams - there's just something about all these artists being like "I AM THE PROBLEM ITS ME IM SORRY" that just speaks to me! that's not concerning at all!

laura and i talked for like two hours last night and it was like old times and god i really do miss when we'd just ride the same bus home and i could walk to her house ):

i've been trying to make taylor's chai cookies for like a week and i realized i absolutely have time to make them today so i'm trying to buck up the energy to do that in the next two hours before i have to be a person and go to a photoshoot

"good day" by olivia barton

i'm trying to get back into crying in h mart because mom finished reading it and we're supposedly buddy reading it so we can discuss it but i haven't felt like reading all month because i've been depressed...but like damn cancer sucks guys

in other news, i think because i've had such a shitty brain month this september i've almost pushed myself so far that halloween season sounds really fun!!! i'm trying to work through my halloween hate bc i think it's kind of silly and all my friends love halloween so i should love it too! and like i wanna watch spooky movies and be chilly and have FUN! god!

i kinda forgot a vital piece of jennalore which is that when i was a kid my mom's college roommate used to send us frosted sugar cookies shaped like bats every halloween and it was actually kinda the best thing ever? so i'm trying to channel that energy this season

work is batshit insane and i'm so exhausted by it i literally slept for 11hrs on like wednesday night bc i was so tired but also......when we're busy i always feel like i'm actually Doing Something and my bosses are so happy with the work i do so like.....it's good even though it's bad!

therapy has actually been really really good? like it Sucks bc it's therapy and i hate talking about my feelings but my therapist is the sweetest NB person ever and they're always just like "uhhh that's emotional abuse my dude!" and i'm so fucking excited bc at the end of october they're gonna have saturday openings which means i can finally go talk to them in person and not on my lunch break in our tiny break room!!!! at this point i have to pretend like my coworker can't hear everything i say during therapy otherwise i'd go insane so i always leave my sessions being like ......did max hear that i'm aroace and i have depression and i might be neurodivergent??? idk!!!

which speaking of, even though max and i definitely aren't like friends by any sense of the word....we are also just like having a time together! it's wild i see him most out of all the people i know but i think we're both going a little insane from the workload and being Depressed so we just spend all day being kinda wacky and for whatever reason i've reached a point where i stopped having a filter with him so i just start talking about the most random shit and he's cool with it lol

i think i might maybe be a little lonely! idk! i've been struggling to figure out what i need or who to talk to and i generally just want to talk to like two or three of my friends or my gc and everyone's just busy ): but then when i have the chance to talk to anyone and i Sit Down to try to interact bc i know some people are probably around i just get a little overwhelmed idk make it make sense!!!

and i realized i don't have a lot of IRL friends anymore bc a lot of the ones i had from the coffeeshop are Not My Friend and the ones i met on instagram are also Not My Friend and the ones i used to live with are Not My Friend and so my list of people to hang with is teeny tiny and idek what i need or want anymore so it's just my brain screaming .

the most frustrating thing rn is that i know i'm in a bad mental place however i cannot distinguish what i need! but when someone asks me what i need i get this intense panic/dread and i spiral real bad and if anyone tries to be kind to me it makes me feel worse and so it's like....i'm stuck in this stand still where i can't get what i need but i don't know what i need so i just eat cereal, listen to music, and go to bed early!!!

i don't wanna watch anything, i still haven't finished this season of only murders, i need a DVD player bc i want to watch the director's commentary of hill house, there's a bunch of shows and movies coming out soon that i feel overwhelmed by at the moment and it's just like !!! this is all so unfair

and i need to make all these appointments like getting my oil changed and going to the doctor for my annual but i cannot bring myself to do those things but also like should i ask my doctor about medication for depression??? surely it isn't that serious but like maybe it is idk!!!!

the depression isn't as bad as it's been in the past (i think?) like i felt a lot more hopeless in 2017 and i think a lot of that is because i do have a support system and a therapist and a good paying job and things to look forward to but like i'm very aware that many days i do just feel that feeling of "everything is meaningless and nothing will bring me joy ever again" so it's like !!! idk!!!! maybe i'm gaslighting myself into thinking i'm not that bad when in actuality i am!!!

i've just been stuck in that space of middle limbo with all my "diagnoses" that i cannot rationally understand if i'm allowing myself to see myself the way i am? like i always felt like i wasn't depressed enough to be Depressed bc i'm not suicidal but like ??? that's silly !!! maybe i am Depressed!!!!! but i don't even know how to go about getting meds and what they would do and it's almost more overwhelming to think about that than to just be depressed ): bc i still am convinced a lot of it comes down to the heat and the lingering effects of summer

but now i'm thinking about 2021 when it was the bad times and i stopped working on creative stuff or literally any year from 2017-2020 when i just spent the early fall Not Creating and having a crisis that i'd never create again and it's like.............is that bc i'm always depressed around this time? it's comforting bc i know life is seasons and i will come back around to making things and doing my silly projects but it's just sort of making me wonder how it would be different if i tried to find a way to get meds ....like would that Fix Me....would that Solve the Problem....what if it doesn't! what if i'm not depressed enough for that!

(this is all just thoughts, i'm fine, etc, just haven't let myself fully think about the depression this month bc i don't think there's a solution rn i'm just trying to get through it)

anyway, "good day" by olivia barton

[firinniee]

HOGWARTS LEGACY VS JKR

Out of context but I decided to celebrate the release of the latest Harry Potter game (10.02) and I have to say here my opinion on this subject, someone who grew up on HP, is part of the LGBT and does not wholeheartedly support person who created this magical world. No matter what you think, if you have any respect for another human being, please read what I have to say, k?

The fact that I wanted to write such an entry appeared in my head from the moment I started getting insults and threats here because I supposedly "support jkr"... because I like Harry and I drew pictures with him over a year ago quite regularly? This is stupid. Just like raiding people because they like something is stupid. Since apparently we have a problem with separating author from they work and attack for everyone who has anything to do with Harry Potter has begun. Apart from the fact that books can be bought used and fan merch exists, we can not support the author financially in any way, do you think it changes anything? Like for Christmas, me and my fiancé got HP bedding and HP pajamas from my mama, and do you think that JK came to Poland to thank my ma' for this purchase? You think that made her have enough money to feed her children and pay for the apartment? NO. Do you think she cares? Of course not! Rowling is a person who could allocate a significant part of her wealth (because yes, we must not forget about it if we want to be objective) for charity, probably even her three children will not be able to spend the money she has because there is too much of it.

But here we come to someone who is not so rich and does not have that much money. Do you know who? The creators of the game. The creators of the game, who not only make a living from being part of creating it, they devoted long hours to it and delved into the world that they must love so that the society that has been waiting for a good game from this university for years will get it. And now you can scream "But why did they go to make a transphobe game?!?!?!?" Let me explain, the first transphobic JK Rowlings games on Twitter appeared in 2020, and the first mentions of the already quite developed Hogwarts Legacy we met in 2018. It is true that the creators cleverly wanted to cut themselves off from JKR, but unfortunately even they were intolerant of "anti jkr", and yes really anti their time, anti their work and anti their work as artists.

And you think that even if, hypothetically, none of the games were bought, would the author of HP cry about it? No, we would show her that even if the next games, books and movies fail, she will still be in a high position as an author.

Now in private, I hope you're not a hypocrite and if you think that just liking HP is supporting JKR, are you doing anything for others to be what they want to be? Have you helped a trans person and bought them a binder? Do you publicly defend their right to use the restroom where they feel comfortable or did you do something JUST FOR GOOD of that person? Or let's go even deeper, since everyone should be equal, have you helped other people in need? Have you donated blood? Are you in the bone marrow donor database? Have you supported any foundation that supports what is most important to you? Poor ones? Womans? Kids? Animals? Or maybe you just sit on the Internet, use emotional blackmail and hide behind the alleged tolerance, but only in terms of what should be right for you & you want to force others to your will? Ordinary people like me and you suffer because of this behavior. If you want to destroy the right of many people to create their own creations and probably millions of people's right to take a break from the gray world and play a game about a magical kid running around the castle - you are as bad as the jkr you hate so much. Just intolerant.

Nah due to the fact that I am quite sick I don't have the strength to argue in the comments but I think such things should be said out loud, from someone who is at the center of it all. I'll probably be a poser, but I'd rather buy a switch game once it's available, but for now, I wish everyone could feel comfortable - whether it's in such big things as orientation, pronouns or being yourself, but also in such mundane things as liking Harry Potter. If it makes you happy and doesn't hurt anyone, remember that you don't have to be like the author if you don't support them. Good day my beans! ~Firinnie

[cowboylikemeaaron]

We're definitely not talking enough about her opening with miss americana & the heartbreak prince, let's talk about what lines i think makes it so sweet of her to open with this song

You know i adore you

I'm crazier for you

Than I was at 16

Lost in a film scene

She's literally telling us she's more obsessed with us than when she started being famous when for most artists it's the peak of where they care about their fans *tears*

I counted days,

I counted miles

to see you there, to see you there,

it's been a long time coming

but it's you and me,

that's my whole world

They whisper in the hallway

"she's a bad bad girl"

Well this one is pretty self explanatory, she missed seeing us on tour so so much (remember the tiktok?), And even for not seeing us for years it's still us and her, we're still her whole world, even when everyone said she's "a bad girl" aka BIG reputation.

It's you and me, there's nothing like this, miss americana and the heartbreak prince

We're so sad we paint the world blue, voted most likely to run away with you

She knows that no other artist has the same relationship with her fans like she does, even when she's sad or mad or etc.. we, paint the world blue with her and feel her emotions too,

The line voted most likely to run away with you in my head means that she'd always choose us, everyone knows that, she even pointed at people when she said "with you" in the first day of tour.

The rest of the song and the whole

"I don't want you to go I don't really wanna fight cause nobody's gonna win"

just means that she probably doesn't want inner fandom fights? Aka swifties vs gaylors or whatever the fuck is happening between everyone? She doesn't want to fight any side whether they're right or wrong because she does love us after all.

Anyways, i know what this song is supposedly originally about politics and all of that but I'm interpreting why she chose it as an opener and not what the song meant in 2019, i know not everything fits and she might not mean it that way but I think it's very interesting that she opened with that song and it's not just because the line of "i counted days, i counted miles to see you there "

@taylorswift @taylornation

[f0xd13-blog]

I ain't going to reveal why this is the place of OG christianity now but... but!!! I can safelly say that that nobody is goiing to heaven rn ahahha

And to think about the fact we live in this sort of conditions and jews have the best jobs, money,the bst positions all over the world and still say that they are oppressed and american fags believe it...

Remember about that dude that said that it was normal kill palestinians and that portuguese was just poor people (while in my country) condemnwd to work and be poor and supposedly he worked for the european union and said he didn'tcared bout this poor portuguese ppl because he hangs out WITH THE ELITEOF THE WORLD.... thats what he saidnand honestly by his lifestyle i believe it

I still have the screenshotts hope other people kept them also btw

But the thing is i talk with snakes you know.. like salazar did.. so i got him spilling.. i think people even thougt it was fake because it seemed that easy but now i will explain you something.. he was gay.. so althought he considered my spwcies beneath his.. he wanted to suck my dick so i testeid him coz i know i could... now think bout hitler and his weird feelings for salazar or lets say appreciation althought he was everything hitler hated

Salazar was just a v atractive roma boy...

Things are finally starting to make sense right??? Yah... well i had told u this before but you didn't believed it...

What does islamism doesn accept? Partially becauser of the sensibilities i talked about before for most asian boys??? Yah this is because of homossexuais AGAIN

Well it ain't like that isn't a safe space fof people that ain't gay and don wanna be considered gay just for the way they look soo... who is the wrong here? Who is OBLIGATING PEOPLE TO BE A CERTAIN WAY? Oh ya hitler hated himself because he was gay... there was no other reason for that internalizwd homophobia.. he literally did anti charlie chaplin which was charlie chao but make it super alpha male which was is issue about gays btw he wouldn't mind cross dressers or trans becausw AS LONG AS YOU BEHAVE ACCORDING TO YOU GENDER that would be fine for him actually first trans experiências was conducted by hitler btw

So this idea i actually don mind he is still a fag tho and i he is gojng to hell ... but one small detail.. they don think like that anymore duhh

You know you gotta keep up with the times my dudes... your brains are cracking... just like all thay old christian theory jews got

So yah you are just creating homophobic ppl...good luck with hat.. moving on!

There we go thats why people think im mexican or latrashtino to this day... this is what you got for me lol. Yall don deserve shit!

I got so emotional it reminded of that time a rosalia fan asked me if i was rapped when i was a child

Here we go.... listen im just gonna join israel have no chill to be having the sams shit again...

Showing me japanese stuff ahahahaha the ones that helped nazi germany againts us

Got no time fof hiding gypsy identities... work with yours jews they can help u

This one because i never had one or three imagine losing them ahahhaah

Never even notice it... he does have my eyes

I never noticed it becauss ws havs pratically the same face i think it's because of that... too familiar and normal to me i guess

Anyways last post fr like i told u before... this is over... so should i become a dancer/wannab singer a boxer or both?

This doesn't HELP snoop stop tryinh to be dumbledore it ain't gonna happen

Actually that was a joke you he is totally dumblwdore ahahah

Now at least ronaldo fan boyéd the japanese coz now way i was going to fight them this time around... have you see them kicks? Insane

I used to like drake in fa t but that was before robalia i also know he criticized her so we cool... you know i hate robalia.. but like you can have her idc i just don have to excuse shit that never had an apology. Just keep out of my face like you been doing maybe i get to know her one day and get to stab her.... finalmente!

I like people that are real you know my opinion

...and to be completely honest i also know it was madonna's prpduction that became so lazy and bad just for the sole reason of being bad hope it's on purpose tho pela saúde delas

Ooooo maybe that's why it was avant garde. It's supposed to be bad as in nasty product... she took it literal... very avant garde and conceptual

Oh yaaaa have i ever told you that my nickname is actually shade? That's the name i used for the longest time ever and even tho i always really digged eminem's music and wanted to fuck him,it wasn't chosen because of that. I always thought that was interesting because at a certain phase of my life when i had short hair and sometimes discolered ppl thought i was him and made comparences

And daaaaang remember awhile ago everybody was just doing othing or cancellwd for life and only robalia existed??? Damn that seems so long ago but like how did we even get to that point? So weird... and how tf have i uncursed ppl? Like yah it wasn't only me but you know what i mean. So bizarre to think bout it.

Raul showing himself eating sushi on my reels like no shit you are gypsy i knew that before you did you idiot... you thought you was black... dude you are literally named raul... raul!!!

There's always a gypsy named raul it's like our john tbh

Also he has my cousins face that's why i know his lips are bomb to suck dick

I alsp called zendaya"black" for a reason. I atacked everybody that hurt me ok? Jewish guy was there instead of me??? I NEVER SAID THE WORD N SO MANY TIMES IN MY ENTIRE LIFE since like last month.. im on a roll breaking records

[aeoki]

Fist of the Shangri-la Idol - Epilogue 1

Location: “Fist of the Shangri-la Idol” Movie Set Characters: Hokuto, Subaru, Mao, Wataru & Eichi Season: Summer

TL Note:

Eichi makes a pun here as the first character used in Tomoya’s first name is also the word for “friend”. I opted for alliteration by changing “friend” to “teammate” because I couldn’t come up with a suitable pun, unfortunately.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤ< The next day. The official start of the filming for “Fist of the Shangri-la Idol”. >

Hokuto: “ARRRRGH…!?”

Hokuto: “Dammit! Why? Why can't I win!? Why can’t it be me!?”

“Hey! Look at me! Don’t ignore me! Recognise me as ‘someone importaaaant’!”

Wataru: (How wonderful! Hokuto-kun, you’re doing a great job demonstrating the character’s narrow-mindedness! That’s correct for the underdog – the “Evil Martial Artist”!)

(See? You can pull off other roles apart from the “prince” when you put your mind to it!)

(You’re the type of person whose talents mature late. In reality, sometimes even I do not have the ability to perceive how broad your abilities may be.)

(Perhaps that’s precisely why others who don’t know you well see you as someone aloof.)

(You always have an indifferent expression on your face, so most people see you as a calm and collected type of person, after all.)

(I don’t think that’s quite right as an actor… But you must struggle with expressing your emotions, don’t you, Hokuto-kun?)

(That’s because you can’t see your own emotions.)

(But you have a huge passion that swirls around to form a nuclear fusion. That was once a driving force used for the revolution at Yumenosaki Academy.)

(You must take hold of that passion and learn to use it! Just like how you became aware of your sense of inferiority and shame within you and made it a part of you!)

(You’re always carrying the large sense of inferiority you feel from your parents, who are living legends, but you treated it as something that didn’t exist…)

(No, you were mistaken and thought you could use it as your sustenance.)

(I’d like to copy Shuu-kun and say, “Non!”, but you’ll just pretend you never saw that!)

(Or that was hit the nail on the head so accurately that you were just unable to acknowledge it!)

(But right now, you were able to learn of those emotions because of the friends that stand side-by-side with you.)

(That is a bridge connecting the large amount of passion you feel towards your parents and the volcanic crater.)

(The friends you’ve felt closest to you have awakened those emotions – And you were able to acknowledge them.)

(It was nearby so you were able to hold it in your hand and take a good look at it.)

(It’s not Barubaru, or rather, Subaru-kun who is always aware of that fact.)

(But because it was Makoto Yuuki-kun, who supposedly shouldn’t be able to face those emotions, was your opponent…)

(That’s why you thought it was strange and wondered “What is this?”, observing it closely!)

(As a result, you were able to come to terms with it and made it a part of you!)

(You were able to obtain a new weapon that uses the familiar emotions everyone can sympathise with as bullets!)

(This is where it gets interesting! Turn all those infinite emotions within you into a weapon and show it to the world!)

(Once you’ve done that, then you’d have experienced “acting” for the first time! Simply using skilled movements is not enough!)

(Ahh, I’m beginning to want to act my heart out!)

(I wish I didn’t have such a role! I wish I had more scenes!)

Eichi: Hehe. If you’re wanting to appear in more scenes, shall I have a talk with the director and arrange that for you?

I can whine like a child and say, “If you’re going to increase more of my scenes, then do the same for Wataru.”

Wataru: Oh? You read my mind quite easily there, Eichi! That’s my party skill, you know?

Eichi: It’s only because you let your emotions show. It’s rare to see that from you.

Wataru: Hehehe. It’s not my turn right now, so there’s no need for me to be in the scene~ And I’ve already been poisoned to death in the story~

Besides, I ensure my acting is professional when I’m with you, but I do have times where I express myself honestly.

Eichi: Hehe. It seems we’re still seen as children who should act that way, somehow or another. 

Wataru: Indeed ♪ Perhaps it’s because of the fact that “fine” has a childish impression due to Himegimi.

But the world sees us as an innocent and pure unit…

The staff were shocked to see your acting as the “wicked merchant”.

Eichi: To be honest, that sort of villain-like behaviour would be closer to my true self, as opposed to my public image of a “pure and elegant angel”.

Maybe that’s why I was able to do a good job. They ended up having to include me in more scenes, though.

Wataru: That’s a good thing, no?

Eichi: Yeah. It’s just a movie character, after all. It’s nice to show the fans this side of me too.

…We never know when there might be an enemy who’ll force us to show our hidden sides to the fans.

If anything, that’s a conventional method used for idols who make a living by being popular.

I’m sure they’ll be shocked when they see my “dark” side for the first time and I figured it would be nice for them to slowly get used to it through fiction.

It’s just a stopgap measure though – it’s better than not being prepared at all.

Subaru: You got this, Ukki~! You can do it, Ukki~!

Mao: Yeah, get ‘em~! Get revenge for us~!

Eichi: You’re quite the noisy bunch. The tape’s rolling, so be quiet. We were also chatting so we can’t reprimand you too harshly, though.

Subaru: Gotcha ♪ But I feel like those emotions are infecting me, so I’m starting to get excited too~!

In “Trickstar”, Hokke’s the only one who’s an enemy in the story, so it’s sad that we can’t support Ukki~ together!

Eichi: Hehe. It’s also unfortunate that our adorable Touri is with you on the good side.

But Hokuto is on the bad side instead, hm? I suppose he’s charming in his own regard.

Mao: Um, judging by the way you’re speaking… you’re not the person who decides who gets what role?

Eichi: Nope. Of course, as the movie’s sponsor, I did tell them what I vaguely wanted.

I told them I wanted to prioritise the opinions of the professionals in the moviemaking business – of the directors and the other staff.

They say to go to the specialists if you want the best results, after all. So I’m pretty surprised, if I’m being honest. I didn’t expect Yuzuru to be the “rival” and Makoto-kun to be the protagonist.

But the director told me Yuzuru had the best acting aside from Wataru.

It seemed like he was able to pull off any role. He always appears to be wearing a mask, so I assume it’s just because he’s used to it…

Maybe Wataru’s successor isn’t Hokuto-kun but Yuzuru instead.

Subaru: Say what~? What about him? The princess, Shinonon’s teammate, Tomoya-kun?

Eichi: His teammate Tomoya-kun?[⁎] Hehe. Of course, he’s a potential candidate as well. He’s skilled enough for me to want to throw him right into the audition.

But the cast for the movie has already been decided to be from StarPro.

Mao: Is it kinda political…? But now that you mention it, Yuzuru has been doing a great job acting all this time.

He doesn’t make mistakes and he seems like someone straight from the movie.

If it was an idol movie, it’s pretty common for others to see them as the actual “idol” as opposed to the “character from the movie”.

Eichi: We’ve made adjustments to the script in order for it to appear like that.

That sort of tradition exists, you know? Behaviour that’s not fitting for the idol’s image isn’t allowed to be incorporated in the movie.

It’s there to protect the idol, but at the same time, you could say it also places a limiter on idol movies.

It’s quite a troubling subject.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ← Previous Chapter ᠂ ⚘ ˚⊹˚ ⚘ ᠂  Next Chapter →

[vawsculturecorner]

My Musical 2023: Musings by a girl who can't stop getting high and tweeting

PART 2: Seriously are you fucking stupid this year was great for music.

Relentless Replays:

These albums could have made the all-star list because I played them enough for it. Consider these projects as taking the silver medal on the podium; albums absolutely worth listening to and if I could chuck everything into the all-star list, I would. Alas, artificial limitations.

Antarctica - Bayang (tha Bushranger) Not content to leave 2023 without spoiling his fans, Bayang makes his catchiest, most optimistic project yet. "GANGA" is my favourite song he's released period and it sits aside a bevy of songs where you can hear how much fun went into it. Give it a bit of time to process (it was a December release after all) and this could easily be my favourite Bayang project and definitely the one that will get the most playtime because of how accessible it is.

I Was Mature For My Age But I Was Still A Child - Grouptherapy Do you also miss BH because they were formative to your growth as a person and all the allegations coming out against them have you down? If so boy howdy do I have the album for you! IWMFMA reels you in by reminding you of the Saturation era (in particular the first instalment) but doubles down on the fundamentals, swapping DIY coarseness for polished technical prowess. Bombastic, chock full of personality and incredibly versatile, there is a track for every person and every occasion here.

Beloved! Paradise! Jazz!? - McKinley Dixon Mckinley Dixon made For My Mama and Everyone Who Looks Like Her, so I should not have been caught as off-guard as I was when this project was released. And yet, the first time I heard this album I was already convinced it was practically flawless. In its brevity, BPJ doesn’t skip a single beat nor miss a lick of detailing and polish, as each song feels vibrant and full of the essence of living.

April Mixtape 3 - Snow Strippers I have never been an EDM girly, but this album makes me want to go to raves, drop a tab and just space out for hours. Endlessly replayable with beautiful vocals soaked in distinct internet electronics, this album will make even the most intense introverts want to take caps and stare at glow sticks for a night. The Aux - Blockhead A cavalcade of creatively assembled instrumentals featuring a highlight reel of the underground hip-hop elite. Blockhead casually reminds you why he is one of the best producers working right now. 

Shapeless - Daine I read a lot of think pieces about the death knell of hyperpop in 2023 but with releases like Shapeless, I think people are opting to be wilfully deaf. Daine puts their whole chest into every hook on this album with beats that flutter with technological clangs and heaves. Exhilarating hyperpop euphoria Quaranta - Danny Brown Danny Brown returns with an album that has supposedly been finished for a few years - telling, considering that the emotional poignance of the album feels very specific to a point in time. Fantastic and highly consistent, it is a much more mellow album for Danny but no less quality than what we have come to expect. Guts - Olivia Rodrigo You motherfuckers tried to write this girl off as making teeny-bop music and I won't forgive you for it. Olivia Rodrigo is one of the most promising pure-pop artists of this generation. She says it on the opener - she knows her age, acts like it, and makes music that perfectly encapsulates it to boot. Sundial - Noname Lmao im sorry fuck Fantano, Noname is one the most important artists of the current day and Sundial is a testament to both her intellect and spirit, with words that prick the conscious like spears. I genuinely do not have the words to describe the beauty of a track like gospel?, nor her second verse on "balloons" which tactfully breaks down the voyeurism of black art. You almost have a responsibility to sit with this album properly.

Bite-sized Brilliance

2023 was the year of the EP and I'm so glad because they are great introductory pieces to artists or just compact packages of enjoyment.

Violet, Zion Garcia, Darling - LITERALLY EVERY FULL CIRCLE RELEASE For my coldest take so far, 2023 was the year of Full Circle. With growing attention on Western Sydney, this clique absolutely spearheaded it. Every single release from every single artist was fantastic and at least one song off each made my year favs. (there is another project that Im gonna mention in my all-star list hehe). If you want grungey RNB with vocals that smother in sensuality, listen to Dylan Atlantis. If you want creative Jazzy hip-hop from one of the brightest upcoming rappers in Aus, Zion Garcia. If you want a digital genre collage dedicated to the sounds of the city, FRIDAY* is your man. Anticipating everything this group does for the foreseeable future. GUILD I - SEVY x GRASPS x BAYANG x UNCLE KAL They really got Kal rapping again - with tracks that are this undeniably infectious, I can see how! Feel-good fun for late-night activities Another Triumph of Ghetto Engineering - Open Mike Eagle and Lilac Diesel - R.A.P FERREIRA A couple of short but sweet releases by two underground hip-hop legends that should keep fans satiated until their next major releases. Reflections on the Water, ONE7OVE, Michelangelo - Gian Santorno One of the most promising discoveries I made this year, Gian raps on the perfect instrumentals to suit their vinyl-crackle rapping and the unashamed self-dissection of themself is enthralling.

The Singles!

There were a lot of good single tracks this year! Here they are below! Yes, it's a tidal playlist - if you actually want to download it I might port it to Spotify but we really gotta stop using Spotify gang it's a 2024 out.

VAWS 2023 TOP PICKS The bolded ones are my all-stars for 2023 Again - Snow Stripers Babylon by Bus - hot take, its the best song on the standard version of Maps Be Like U - Sidney Phillip Among many of Sidney’s strengths is her ability to be so fucking endearing jesus fucking christ this song is so cute Black Knight Croatia - Too Birdz Blocked call - ARMAND HAMMER MY HEART PUMP KETAMINE Blood on my grails - Goyard Ibn Said

Bring Wet Cunt - Zheani bugging! - brakence Burn City Linkup (Hell) Butterflies- Skrillex, Four Tet, Fred Again CARDIO - 1300, SOLLYY Celibate - Danny Brown featuring MIKE The Cellar Dwellas Knew - Blockhead featuring Quelle Chris Dang - Caroline Polachek Mother made a beautiful tropical album and said hey you want some of that PC music shit too? DELRESTO (Echoes) - Travis Scott x Beyonce Dexamphetamine - BAYANG x NERDIE Double Trio - By Storm Dying in the City  - FRIDAY*  Technologic disassociation and the city’s chaotic casing as you miss your last bus out for the night ealthystay - lil ket featuring Sidney Phillips A certified hood classic banger. SELLING PGR BUT IM SMOKING MEDS ON MY OWN

Effy - Sidney Phillips I really do be Effy, I really do be Cassie.  Eternally Hateful/Young Drunk Drivers - Kirin J Callinan I could not pick because both of these songs are weirdo pop bangers and I love him for it. Fried Ice Cream - Wiki and Tony Seltzer featuring ZelooperZ GANGA - Bayang (tha bushranger) featuring LIL PIXIE I fucking love Bayang (tha bushranger) - BOYS BE YELLING GANG BUT STILL TOO BITCH TO HANG WITH GANGAS GIMMIE UR LOVE - GUILD God Loves You - Danny Brown x JPEGMAFIA The Gods Must be Crazy - ARMAND HAMMER El-p must be crazy for this beat YOU FEEL ME

Got Me Started - Troye Sivan Fantano made me mad when he said this was a cheap interpolation it's brilliant and much like the other singles from this album, quintessential summer hits for your inner gay  gospel? - Noname featuring $ilkmoney and billy woods Half-Life - Slauson Malone Homeostasis - Gian Santorno He left Nothing for the Swim Back - SKECH185 x Jeff Markey The first single I heard this year, I told you then that nothing was going to top this. Cataclysm rap for a dying century.  how i'm feeling - grouptherapy. Pretty good hbu I Believe - Caroline Polachek Rest in peace SOPHIE - I love you, thank you. I Know? - Travis Scott I'VE BEEN YOUNG - George Clanton Lethal - Frost Children Living Curfew - Aesop Rock featuring billy woods An all-star pairing with a witchy, woozy and lingering fear that tiptoes through the instrumental. Those haunting background vocals make me forget I'm even listening to a song. One of my favourite songs by both artists.  Love is Embarrassing - Olivia Rodrigo She's right you know. What's not embarrassing is singing this on top note in your car to get over your ex Making the Band (Dainty Cain) - Earl Sweatshirt Acid Hip Hop draws Earl into an era of cosmic future hip-hop - the upcoming album is shaping up to be something special Mungu (God) (Remix) - Blu, Notzz, Black Shakespeare, Bloodmoney Perez No Assumptions - SOLLYY Featuring Dylan Atlantis OPPBOY DOW - OPPBOYZ Pits of Hell - JSV The strength of empire at odds with maniacal chaos. Machiavellian rap perfection plz don't cut my wings - MIKE stuns with tragic, breathtaking beauty. The instrumental is a matrimonial fit for both his style and more solemn emotional side and he glides gracefully on this track like an angel on ice skates. An earl feature doesn’t hurt anyone either.

Prim Proper Freestyle - Zion Garcia A perfect introduction to one of the most promising rappers in Eora, if not Aus. RENO - Teether x Kuya Neil The Roach - Genisis Owsusu Running Out of Time - Paramore An ode to perpetual lateness but making your best attempt anyway Satisfy - Dylan Atlantis The sensuality of this song drips from every word like beads of sweat. An incredible song by an incredible artist Scandalous - Kavi This song could literally turn you into an internet micro-celebrity you can just breathe the controversy. Vibrant and fun as fuck, stream Kavi cause this boy is a future icon. Slap (Telegram) - Sidney Phillips, lil ket, Skracha This song is like a hybrid of three completely separate strains of internet music smashed together and turned up to 11 and its fucking beautiful and I love it So You Are Tired - Sufjan Stevens The fatigue of love in all its terrible beauty. A quiet whisper for love that lingers through the toughest of times. I hope you are ok Sufjan. START A RIOT - Breakfast Road Stay Close - Daine stunt - (when I see u) - They Hate Change The future is offering you a sneak peak, don’t avert your gaze

Sucker Free - Key Glock Sunset - Caroline Polachek Take Me There - Fielded featuring Teether Take Off - Breakfast Road That Cunt - Bootleg Baby, lil ket, Sidney Phillips Touching Yourself - The Japanese House Intoxicating sapphic serenade about women loving women (ME AND FUCKING WHO) Track one from the new Andre 3K record These song names are fucking ridiculous and I'm not as sold on this album as the rest of you but fuck me if this opener isn't soul-affirming. Troy (Cover) - TROPHIE Trophie is another artist I discovered this year and I’ve seen her perform this song about 5 times live already and it Is awe-inspiring every time I hear it  Tyler, Forever - McKinley Dixon

The Well - Behind You featuring Rako, Teether and BAYANG) where's my head at _ Basement Jaxx x 100 gecs I can’t explain to you why this is quintessentially Australian mid naughties electro-pop if it was brought screaming into 2023 but it sounds way too fucking good

You Can Be Mean to Me - Indigo De Souza Men suck and ex's also suck and we girlies deserve better. A perfect encapsulation of the part of moving on where you just roll with the gut punches, absorbing power in passing politeness

[charliefics]

lauren jauregui - prelude review

~ in the pop scene, we come across many fans saying how their favorite artists made an excellent, intimate body of work, only to check out these supposedly outstanding projects they've praised, and hear the most surface level lyrics along with underwhelming music to be the cherry on top of this dry, tasteless cake. but i'd say the indie landscape isn't that outstanding, either. there's this artist that loves his acoustics that i would give up my freedom to have him leave the internet for good and have his music wiped off from the internet. if you go to the studio with your acoustic guitar and the most ignorant white cisgender heterosexual guy lyrics, you should be arrested and prohibited from entering the music scene. there are enough people like you out there. y'know how the industry is built so there can only be one successful black woman at a time? yeah. we should pick the best acoustic guitar cishet and stream only his music and boycott anyone else. let's use their weapons against them, people.

~ i've only bothered to listen to expectations and lento from lauren, and though it was fun and for the gays tm, i've never been genuinely interested in her work, mainly because i was waiting for normani's debut album. and here we are, after years of waiting. normani's last single was boring ass fair, and she went on hiatus yet again. maybe she simply does not want to make music. maybe she'd like to spend the rest of her career as beyoncé's backup dancer. either way, one of the two girls released an album, and it sure wasn't normani.

~ before anyone has the nerve to say this is an ep, even if it was, it's still better than a lot of albums out there. and i can't help but feel like it was majorly ignored by people, and i think it's a very intimate and honest body of work. anyway, let's get right into it!

~ nobody cares about intro. lauren knows this and we do as well. it was a cute thing to get you going. it's telling you to sit down and pay attention cause you're about to hear good music.

~ colors starts with eerily melancholic piano chords, and speaks about lauren's stuggles of connecting with people, saying her "heart has a way of rejecting what's good for it", and how she was led to believe she isn't enough. she refers to a person in particular, and claims when everyone leaves, only they and herself remain. the song then transitions into a tap beat, as lauren engages in spoken word poetry explains, "i'm addicted to feeling fucking numb". she talks about divine signals, and how they'll remain regardless if she chooses to act upon them on not. the last word she says represents what she's striving for in this body of work, "grow".

~ scattered is composed of soft percussion, a guitar, and a trumpet. it talks about not being in a good place mentally and being unable to take decisions properly due to the issues one's facing. the production and arrangement of this song is impeccable, and i can see why this was a single along with colors. the second chorus where the percussion and trumpet join the melody is my favorite part. not to mention the gorgeous harmonies. i liked vic menza's verse as well, and the people who didn't like it can suck my cock. i've seen people saying shit like "why do people don't feature artists instead of random rappers?" and it boils my blood. not seeing rap as real art is the most ignorant shit ever, especially since you probably had no issue with lauren doing spoken poetry on the last track. but i guess vic's verse was too black for you.

~ falling's production is nothing admirable, but it's an rnb song you could definitely enjoy. it apparently portrays a depressive episode, and unsuccessful attempts to overcome one's struggles with being productive and dealing with their mental health issues. once again, the guitar is present in the track, as she comments on how she tries to hide her emotions and issues, despite being aware everyone goes through their own personal battles and that it's okay to seek help, as she's "only human". she strives to work for her future, but is ultimately unable to do so, as she cannot avoid her past. she explains her objective: "if i wanna get better, then i gotta be better" but of course, it's easier said than done.

~ after falling ends, on guard begins with a harp, and a trap beat as soon as lauren starts singing. she speaks about her untrusting nature, and her need to take relationships at a slow pace, as she's already been hurt before. she tells her partner to proceed with patience and caution, as she's particular about who she gets involved with because she creates music about them. telling them they won't be getting too close because "you never really know someone". 6LACK's verse adds into that narrative lauren's created. not much to talk about, i'm neutral on it. not necessary or outstanding, but it doesn't ruin the flow of the music. 6LACK is your usual token famous feature, but he does his job okay.

~ don't wanna say is straight up my favorite song on the project. it encapsulates all of the features of it, while also being an addictive song. this song is so cunt it should be illegal. there's no way a slutty song can sound like this. it raises the standard for other songs, and everything goes so well together. the harp, the trumpet, lauren's voice. the whole "having sex to x song" talk makes me laugh, but this one is impeccable and it would definitely be appropriate to play. it's classy, while also being sensual. it gives you just the right amount of elegant and whore.

~ sorry has a lot of strings in it, which is a bit surprising in a way, but it manages to fit with the other songs, and their "ethereal soft elegant" vibe. it talks about falling in and out of love, mostly due to the emotional incompatibility she and her partner have. but she still has feelings for that partner, hence her being in a cycle of leaving and coming back. it's an interesting ending track, because it doesn't conclude what the project had started, alluring to there being more to come (as evidenced by the name prelude). her vocals sound gorgeous in this track (and throughout the whole album).

~ ok im tired plus ion got anything else to say. this shit is good thats all u gotta know

~ 8/10