#because im aware a lot of my problems are my own fault but not everything is

[whimsyprinx]

do you think we suffer for the same reasons our ocs do, any gods out there are venting their feelings through us in order to feel better?

[lesboygamzee]

beta troll headcanons but i have headcanons on how alternian gender works ( its not that complex dw )

aradia - fully agender . seperate from everything . didnt really care until it godtiered and then was like ohhh i dont have to do anything anymore im free now ok ^_^ and was pretty chill with it forever tavros - Fairy Girl and transfem . i imagine that Fairy Genders are like completely caste nonconforming I HAVE LORE I HAVE LORE LISTEN TO ME NOW BOY anyway . has known for like .. Awhile but shes in proximity to vriska and vriska is like your average reddit transfem and tavros is like ok maybe i should just repress this and pretend its not something i think and dream about extensively . and it works for awhile and then she lives as a girl on her own on earth c but it still takes forever for her to actually Come Out but it happens .. eventually ... ok im getting sad my girl has problems SHES ALSO BUTCH sollux - gold bigender what the fuck else . very repressed transfem who fits all the gamer trasnfem stereotypes hes kind of real . again Very Repressed and like halfway an egg halfway Aware ( haha duality ) . starts being herself after prolongued proximity to godtier aradia she stole its fucking girl ness #thetransagenda . doesnt really like the association he has with her caste but accepts it as part of his identity nontheless karkat - agender cis guy no assigned caste but identifies with his assigned gender on the technical level . he has a weird relationship with it but like its chill overall nepeta - olive trans guy . nondysphoric and is fine being a girl but one day he was like hey somethings off and he ripped his tits clean off and started living as a he and went about his life as normal <- joke but probably not far off . i dont think he was unhappy as a girl hes just chill with whatever feels right in the moment i think and right now its Boy kanaya - jade trans girl but in a gnc way because female jadebloods are meant to be very cold i think people forget that but kanaya genuinely cares about motherhood and wants to nurture the matriorb because she cares about the next generation of her race and like thats a significant part of her character guys you know that right . i think her both being badass AND having a desire for motherhood is good writing actually guys .g . anyway . has known since she was very young and would be relatively normal about it if it wasnt for her Proximity To Vriska ( see Reddit Transfem ) terezi - teal trans guy whos also nonbinary whos also a dyke . ill be honest i dont have anything super in depth for this one sorry terezi fans vriska - cerulean trans girl . i think nows the time to clarify what i mean by reddit transfem umm . she will not shut the fuck up about how horrible and mannish she looks and acts forever and like its not her fault she feels like this but shes saying this in direct proximity of other transfems namely kanaya and tavros . i also think shes a transmed . umm has known from a young age but only becomes fully comfortable in her identity like .. a loooong time from canon equius - indigo transfem . i dont have a lot of thoughts on this but i think shes very repressed for a long time but Nepeta Proximity helps her a little . doesnt really transition shes just A Girl Now gamzee - Dyke . incredibly strange relationship with everything but like .. i think hes identifying as a trans guy at 13 if only because he thinks its the easiest to explain i dont think hed care . Until It Does . has a crisis about it for exactly a week before getting normal . hard to explain more for multiple reasons rips arm off eridan - violet cis guy but like theres gender fuckery going on . thought he was transfem for awhile and went on e and was like this is awesome but i think im a guy still . does drag as a fuschia woman feferi - fuschia multigender . another one that is hard to explain sigh but i think hes an egg at 13 but he doesnt have a whole thing about it hes like oh im more than just Girl cool ^_^

[bookshelfdreams]

Im sorry about this i need to rant. I thought things were getting better but Izzy stan Twitter is at it again with their whining, truth bending and self-victimising.

'Do you like OMFD but wish the queer disabled hero didnt die?' IZZY IS NOT THE HERO OF THIS SHOW!!!!! He is at best a reformed antagonist. What an insult to the other disabled characters, and what about the actual heroes of the show??

'We've been betrayed by straight man writing queer stories'. First of all, way to dismiss the other writers. Also, its not his fault you project your personal traumas and mental health on a fictional character on a show with death in the title.

'GB's ending is comphet (?????) because 'we only need eachother' and theyre breaking away from their queer community' ED HAS BEEN WANTING TO LEAVE PIRACY SINCE LAST SEASON!!! also, its progress that Stede was able to resist basic flattery. And David made it clear that they still have work to do. This one truly broke my brain.

Im just sick of all this. Izzy stans have been coddled for the past week, being told its ok to grieve, but theyve crossed multiple lines. I do wish some things had been more explicit in this finale, only because David overestimated the maturity and media literacy of some people.

Sorry for this but i needed to talk to people here. Its beyond annoyance at this point. Im angry and sick of petty crybabies actively working to poison what we've built.

Don't apologize, feel free to rant at me any time!

"The Blackbonnet ending is comphet" surely is A Take, let me add that to the It's Only Queer If It's Subtext Collection, also featuring such gems as

The Lupete marriage proposal/wedding was basically straight

Canon queer ships are boring and unimportant

Izzy has the only queer arc

Izzy is the only "convincingly" queer character

It's super interesting to see this develop. The massive victim/persecution complex of a certain subset of Izzy fans. The vitriol leveled against all other fans, and the show itself, because clearly, these people never liked ofmd in the first place. Never liked what it actually had to say and instead, invented subtext that was never there to look into instead. It's like watching the birth of a conspiracy theory under controlled conditions in a petry dish. You will see these people say with their whole chest the most unhinged bullshit imaginable and receive praise for it, but when you keep in mind that for months, they have discussed the show Izzy in their insular little echo chambers, most of their takes become a lot more understandable. There's robust internal logic, even though, due to the flawed premise, none of it makes any sense.

But it becomes understandable when we loop back around to the point that a lot of these people don't engage with the show on its own merit. They really treat it as if it were just another queerbaity (maybe not even that) mid-2010s thing, too afraid to do something different.

ofmd is not that! But when all you have is a hammer. And when you're surrounded by people who keep insisting that yes, obviously that problem is a nail. That one too. Nails are all that exist. yk.

But. And please know that I am holding your hands and speak as gently as I can when I say this.

But please don't get angry about this? If this whole drama genuinely upsets you, you might need to take a step back and remind yourself that it's just fandom. It's just some idiots somewhere enjoying the pirate show wrong. It's not that important. There's plenty of things that are worth your anger in the world right now. Everything is fucked. But this isn't one of them.

Like, for me, this is fun. I am a petty bitch, I love to gawk at bad takes, I love conspiracy theories, reading things like this tickles my brain in the best possible way. It's like reading through the Psiram wiki (which is also something I do for fun. Yes, I am aware there's something wrong with me). It's even better, because it's inconsequential. It doesn't have very real human misery attached to it.

Like, obviously i think it's fine to be opinionated about dumb bullshit on the internet, and while picking fights with people who don't agree with me isn't something I enjoy personally, some people do and there's nothing wrong with that either. As long as everyone involved is having fun.

But. You gotta keep your distance, you know? Don't get personally mad at people with bad opinions. Having wrong opinions about the pirate show isn't actually harmful. Fandom isn't activism.

[punch-love]

conflict anon here again and im SO GLAD you agree man. i think what really gets me about it is that i was specifically searching for conflict-packed fic and that's why i was so let down. i also feel like authors are entitled to write whatever they want forever but it just FEELS to me when im reading their fics like they would be happier writing something more domestic, and i want to find something where they're more feral.

i want the ID reveal and the relationship-confirming to cause MORE problems, hell i want them to get together and blow out into a massive argument and breakup then have breakup sex and get back together and then realize the sex didn't actually fix anything and then break up again but they can't stop being obnoxiously in each others space either way

but it feels like fic im trying to find like this fights the very concept of conflict so hard and wants one singular plot point to fix everything as quickly as possible without even walking me through the characters' insight as to HOW that fixed anything other than "problem over, let's be together forever now!" let alone the level of conflict that'd be so engaging like that with a million curveballs

im so aware its a personal taste thing its just been frustrating reading fic after fic after fic and finding so little of it. its no ones fault i can't find fic perfectly tailored to my tastes specifically, i just tend to ramble about my frustration. you and oprime and sci and a couple other authors are my favorite for writing it the way you do, she's not gonna die today will always be one of my favorite fics of all time because it gave me that ever persisting conflict driven by their obsessive need to stick together even when they're fighting every step of the way. i just always get into a longwinded ramble when this comes up and i was hoping youd like to share your thoughts so thank you for answering 🙏

I think this pairing kind of presents a unique challenge to writers (at least it did for me) that action and conflict is such a huge, borderline essential part of their canonical dynamic. If you're not used to writing/utilizing both physical and emotional conflict, your stories can often fall so, so flat for these two, specifically because that's the fuel that makes the engine run. The first true action scene I ever wrote was chapter two of love-punch, and I like, now I'm an action writer for life now (editing an action sequence as we speak) but I had to get out of my comfort zone because I realized that type of stories I wanted to write about them required them to beat the shit out of each other to work.

These two are definitely not problem solvers so much as shit starters. I feel like for them, the problems they actually have to solve are the ways they perceive each other (because both of them heavily project onto the other) and what that means long-term for their relationship - every other form of conflict, to me, is up for grabs forever when it comes to their relationship. The shit talking, ass kicking, and fire starting is what makes them, them.

I've said this before, but a lot of people write fanfiction as an exploration of their own ideal relationships. (which is absolutely fine) I think spideypool is a difficult sell though, for that specific fantasy, because their relationship operates on instability and violence primarily. I think most people aren't looking for a relationship where your communication consists of name-calling, beat downs, and moral differences so severe it makes you almost kill each other a lot. That, does not make a good, a good or healthy real world relationship but SUCH a fun fictional one. People are going to write their fantasies out, though, and that fantasy is that one kiss/one fuck/one confession creates relationship fueled bliss forever because many people, hate conflict - both experiencing and reading it. It sucks, if you're a reader who likes problems. I also always say this, but I encourage you to channel that energy into writing your own work. It's what I did, and it paid off so great for me because now I have 12 works specifically catered to my own personal needs exclusively. Fandom is always going to suck, but you can be the change! (and if you don't want to write, that's cool too, sometimes it's good just to get your qualms out into the world and find people who agree)

tagging @primewritessmut again so she can read your praise straight from the source.

It's a tough fandom if you really like their canonical dynamic more than their fanon one, I feel you man. I am always holding a prayer circle that more writers who like problems more than they like easy resolutions joins in and starts writing some real fucked up shit.

[nonclassyparty]

THE FUCKING REALISATION SHE HAD ABT HER HAVING BEEN IN YEOSANGS PLACE TWO YEARS AGO BLEW MY MIND, I SHIT YOU NOT, I GOT UP AND HAD TO PULL OUT MY PENCIL AND A PIECE OF PAPER TO MAP OUT THIS SHIT TO VISUALISE IT BECAUSE MY MIND WAS TOO OVERWHELMED AHAJSKDJ

glad to see fellow oc apologists !! like y/n bb girl *i* understand you, how abt WE get married rn 💍🧎‍♀️

and i am baffled by how everyone, her included, are siding with wooyoung instead of mingi in this parallel situation (ik she hasnt forgiven woo or anything, im talking abt the *positions* of mingi and woo in the parallel) because even though what mingi did and said was shitty af and her feelings are valid especially towards mingi not mentioning the thing at all after all this time, i still think choosing to date and be on the side of the person who has said awful things about your BEST FRIEND and never apologised for any of it is more hurtful than anything.

ofc wooyoung falling for yeosang is totally valid and like she said, it hurts like hell but you can get over it because you want the best for your best friend. but the problem isnt just wooyoung not bringing it up, he feels shitty for doing this too, but to LIE and thus hurt her when she straight up asked abt it, knowing she’s been continuously hurt by her loved ones throughout her life and woo being her only piece of family rn is insaneeeee to me. like she aint just a casual friend of yours, THATS YOUR MFKING BEST FRIEND !!

but for me, all of that is *nothing* compared to him attacking her for being broken and acting on her feelings after finding all of this out on her own, instead of being on her side apologising and being there for her when her heart breaks. like bro, we are asking the BARE MINIMUM from you woo 😭 like i get it she doesnt like the person you are dating but now is NOT the time to be protective over your partner in this situation ?? or am i even more mentally ill than i thought for seeing this whole situation this way 😭😭 ?

akjfdkghfghdfghdkfghdf waittttttttttt

okay so what you said about how she's siding with wy as well thats TEA!!!! bc it is wrong, she knows its not right (obviously since she's the one in pain rn like she knows it sucks and that wy was a little shit for that) but theres still that envious little part of her that was like "damn i wish mingi fought that hard for ME" bc deep down she's not faulting mingi for not choosing her bc she understands, she understood then and she especially understands now but she's still resenting him for it especially now after seeing wooyoung (who is like HER PERSON) fight with her just to stay with ys. its just a very human thing to do, we all want to be that someone's first choice 😭

as for the whole attacking her ordeal, WELL...let's look at it from wy's perspective a little bit. he cares about ys a lot and ys is as vulnerable and delicate as she is maybe even more than her actually. so wy's first instinct was to protect him now HEAR ME OUT... wy was obviously aware that yn would be upset by this and he was scared that ys would get the brunt of it. and also imagine ys just standing there while yn rages at him while wy is just apologizing to her, that would suck for yeosang, your partner begging to be forgiven by the person currently hurling insults at you? 😭 so wy always wanted to avoid that, he wanted to tell her on his own time at his own pace but then it happened unexpectedly and everything just went out of his control. so the moment yn even tried to be nasty towards ys, wy had to stop it and he did it by being nasty to her instead and he def fucked up with that but its a tricky situation for all of them really because wooyoung cares about both of these people. yn is his best friend but yeosang is his boyfriend and it was hard to get out of it without one of them ending up hurt😭

[upsidedowngrass]

ok so abt the amelia thing i mentioend in the tags of the other post? im thinking abt making a companion fic to the one i just posted but also i wanna preface it w some ideas abt amelia i think abt sm that kinda get undermined by other characters (even as a local liam fan i STILL need amelia in my life you know)

a lot of times? shes just written as Nice. and thats it, unless shes ALSO being portrayed as like... doting on liam and bryce and like im sorry but i dont think thats quite accurate. she IS kind, and she DOES care for her friends but i feel like this compassion gets SUPER oversimplified

the thing is, people make her revolve around the others, and i think there IS some basis for this; she cares abt the others a LOT and tries her best to help!! its a part of her character. but what people miss is that she DOESNT tend to act selflessly like constantly. she spends the first 6 episodes asking and trying SO hard to be up for elimination despite everything, even when stone makes liams team be up for elimination- but the thing is that i dont think not being selfless means shes selfish either, which i think is also overlooked (it CAN be inbetween). shes acting actually not unrealistically in this situation, she wants to be safe so it MAKES SENSE that she doesnt really think abt bryce or liam going home and tbh i think thats ok. shes under a lot of stress. the fact that everyone was divided into teams likely didnt help either

but then comes ep 7, and the fact that she loses the contest on purpose to get liam home i think overshadows this? and like she is 100% such an mvp here and i think she is literally so kind bc yeah liam Has gone thru the wringer at this pt. but this scene isnt Revealing that she Actually Wants To Look Out For Them Above All Else, its... very realistic guilt. a LOT of how i see her character i think revolves around guilt that i never see ppl portray her w

the thing is that i dont think she likes to see ppl unhappy, as very frequently shown and explained thru her helping the others! shes the one who is frequently shown looking out for others, and this IS bc shes very compassionate!!!! but i think it is partially abt the fact that it 1. is smth she can control, its smth she can DO, and 2, that if she doesnt help it kinda seems like it eats at her? helping the others during those 7 months WAS about caring abt them!!! and its just also that when ppl she cares abt are struggling , it helps her, too, to help them, yknow?? like its One thing that can make the plane more Safe and comfortable, and bc she DOES look out for people, but this IS often when worst comes to worst- shed help before that, yeah! but i think before it gets REALLY bad its easy for her to get overwhelmed with her OWN problems. this is only pushed to the extreme when the only thing she CAN do to make living on the plane bearable is to forget everything before it and embrace it, and subsequently, pushing those problems on the wayside, its a LOT easier to help others

as for the guilt, i feel like the scene in ep 7 is abt compassion but also about. SUCH heavy guilt. its not her fault, but she was also the only one who was Actively Aware of the fact that liam would sink, AND able go down there. and i think thatd mess with ANYONE. and the fact that suddenly this person she Couldve helped before Couldnt Be Comforted because she Couldnt Stop The Worst From Happening kinda like. Got to her. in ep 7, it isnt that things "revolve around liam," now, its the fact that she feels GUILTY. now looking back at every competition she tried to have HER team lose seems like just another instance she couldve stopped him from drowning before it happened. its extreme guilt, because blaming airy was easy, but airy doesnt budge, and all she has control of here is potentially helping others, and its like she failed, and she wants soooo badly to make up for it, because she already cared abt liam, but now theres also guilt around the fact that she DIDNT act selflessly because it WAS smth she could do. and it fucks me up so much

[a-master-procrastinator]

Tagged by @palepinkycat to take this quiz for some of my OCs, thank you!

I've taken it many times, but for some of my characters it didn't fit that much or at all, so I'm going with only 3 characters who are close to the results.

Airistan

animal intuition

loyalty is the saint you pray to. if you ever were stabbed in the back by your beloved, you'd probably apologize. to your enemies, you're fierce. to your allies, even fiercer. you cultivate a thick inner circle built on promises and devotion, fit only for the best of the best. it's impossible for most to even begin to dissect the type of person you are, owing to your unbreakable emotional walls and confusing philosophies. dream careers? bodyguard, movie star, unwitting pawn. don't let people get the best of that loyalty.

It's an interesting result because it sort of fits? I think it's closer to her leadership style during the class story and first expansions (before Fallen Empire), when she's loyal to the Republic and willing to go through any lengths to protect it from the Sith. It's true that Airistan are harsh even to allies, since she expects the best results. She definitely leads by example, but not everyone can keep up with her, and she tends to forget this. Also, her behavior and morals are definitely confusing to people around her.

Nevanor

rippling sunset

you're the nicest person i'll ever meet, probably. with an undying passion to protect those who can't protect themselves. you're energetic and bubbly to a fault. it's cute, watching you run around trying to tie up loose ends. i feel bad for you - out of everyone you know, you probably have some of the deepest trauma, more than anyone's aware of. this isn't something that you want attention for at all, and you'd really just rather forget it exists at all... even then, it seems like you can never escape it. i wish you a pleasant rest of your life, full of rippling sunsets and free of prying eyes.

Hoo boy this is so accurate. Nevanor went through a lot before he could become a proper Jedi. He was a slave before a Jedi found him and agreed to teach him, but to do that he had to leave his closest friend behind. That decision always haunted him and caused a lot of emotional problems. The Jedi who found him was a Sith spy, and he recognized Nevanor's potential in the Force and used his guilt, insecurities and negative feelings to bring him closer to the Dark Side, planing in future to bring him to the Empire and turn him Sith. The spy got caught, and Nevanor had to do a lot to convince the Jedi that he wasn't a spy as well and wanted to be trained as a proper Jedi. His desire to use what power and possibilities he has to help and protect others ultimately convinced the Council to agree to train and help him.

It's just the basics of his character, but yeah, the result fits well.

(and if you're wondering when did I get a whole new Jedi Knight - he's not a new character, I've just barely mentioned him, but he ties closely with my next character whom I'm currently hyperfixated on)

Imely

cauterizing rage

the house has burned around you, and you're the only one left standing. is it gratifying to be the survivor? fear and anger are weapons in your capable hands, used only to serve your agenda of fighting back when deemed necessary. you're a powerful person, built from the ashes of your despair and your family's mistakes. with time, you'll bloom into someone softer, like the full blossoms that grow each spring and wither away with the leaves in fall. they won't disappear if take your eyes off of them. you're enough

Not surprised I got this result for her character, it fits perfectly. All the trauma she went through - her mother considering her very existence a mistake, having to pretend to be nobody to her own father, life as a slave (and everything that comes with it), her friend leaving her there (it's a long story) - all that pain that she had to endure alone led to hatred that she was more than willing to use upon arriving to Korriban. Throughout the class story Imely has learned to use her anger and pain against her enemies while not being a complete jerk to everyone else. And as the story goes, she does become softer (in a good sense).

[rebellum]

I think I'm slowly moving to find the following story funny, rather than mortifying and horrible:

I used to have issues with agoraphobia. I'd be fine, then not leave the house for a week or 2, and then feel like the world was too big and I was going to fall off of it. I couldn't leave the house until I followed my usual routine of reintroducing myself to the world, which necessarily involves other people.

So, I had a doctor's appointment. You can't do house calls here. Like, doesn't matter if you're bedridden, that just means you either can't go to a doctor or have to pay LOTS of money for a private nurse.

And I tried. I really, really tried. I got as far as the porch, which should have been a HUGE success since I was beyond the boundaries of (wow I really talk a lot huh. This story could have been 2 sentences.) the door. I couldn't move further. Like, my legs literally wouldn't obey me. It was like trying to casually bite your own hand off: your brain is like "uh? You can't do that? You'll literally die? What the fuck?"

So after 10 minutes of trying, I gave up, I went back inside, took a few deep breaths and called the doctor's office to cancel last minute. And it went roughly like this:

"Hi, this is rebellum, I have an appointment scheduled for 10:30. I'm really, REALLY sorry, but something has just come up and I won't be able to make it in, so I have to cancel."

"Um. What? No. No you can't just cancel last minute like this. You HAVE to cancel in advance! By at least 23 hours! These doctors work very hard to--"

And it was at this point that everything burst forth. I had been holding it in for after the phone call, but her tone of anger, disbelief, and disappointment was too much me. How could I be such a horrible person? What if someone else needed emergency medical care and it was my fault they couldn't get it because I scheduled an appointment knowing I'm too stupid and broken and awful to leave the house?

So I BURST into tears

Full on sobbing

Full body-wracking wails.

"IM SORRRRYYYYYYYY" I wailed into the phone. This receptionist probably hates me now. She SHOULD hate me. God I couldnt even keep it in for one phone call? (Now, of course, I am aware that I was SUPER EXTREMELY FUCKING mentally ill, and that's not my fault.)

"Oh" she said

"Oh no." She said

"Oh, my god, I'm- I'm so sorry. Yes of course we can cancel your appointment, that's no problem!"

"THANNNNK YOUUUU" I sobbed into the phone.

And for years I felt bad about it

But now I just realised

This is actually kinda fucking funny?

Calling someone, going from a quiet professional voice to full on SOBBING? She must have been SO baffled.

[keefwho]

October 26 - 2023 Thursday

8:03am

I always jump the gun on things but this time feels different. Maybe I really did figure out the change I needed, actually letting my emotions show. Or at least on a level I haven't in a long time, Im probably not an expert on expression yet. All I know is that the dark pit I always feel inside is not affecting me. It's not gone really, it feels more like I opened up to it so now I can see it for what it is and I can see past it to a better future. It's existence is caused by repression, a lot of which comes from fear. I hide so much and it's damaging to me. Maybe I finally took enough damage that I can't put up with it anymore. I'm once again coming to terms with my own wants and needs and actually trying to assert them. I'm telling myself it's okay to have those needs and it's okay to feel sorrow or frustration when they aren't met.

I saw Daisy's repost about love not being a performance but instead an exercise in faith, knowing your significant other will always be there no matter what. I knew this at some point, I've understood this before. In my fear I've been drawn to a constant need to perform to prove myself because I struggle to see the value in who I am. I hate to admit that for awhile now I've been in a bad place that I've also been scared to speak up about. So scared that I even hid it from myself. After some time to think and confirm how I'm feeling, likely over the weekend, I know I need to have a talk about all this. It's scary but it's for the sake of moving forward and making sure this kind of problem doesn't explode into something big. I know how messy it can be to deal with all this but if I don't do it, it'll just stay the same and continue to hurt me. I feel some kind of amazing liberation finally confronting this, I just hope it all works out. Also I'm 95% certain Daisy reads this journal, or at least knows about it. If thats true then HI.

11:28am

I'm anticipating a horrible, lonely weeked. I just want it to be Monday already. Maybe even Tuesday or Wednesday. I don't want to be conscious the next few days.

I feel like I'm draining, or like I'm a burden. Especially with all these problems of mine lately. I feel like when I'm seen approaching its like "Oh boy, time to put up with this guy." I don't want to be that. If I could go back in time I might have refrained from being as outwardly emotional as I am. I can feel it taking a toll on my relationships.

I had to stop streaming so I could have a good cry. I'm trying to be aware of what exactly I'm crying about and accept those feelings. I'm sad at the uncertainty I feel regarding how things will turn out and how hard it is to feel so broken. I'm sad that I don't feel cared about in the way I want to be. Good reasons to cry.

3:44pm

I constantly bounce between feeling okay and not.

It's helping a lot to realize it's okay for things to be bad and to feel bad about them. Before I would either suppress sadness or try to justify why things weren't how they should be. But sometimes things suck and I'm valid feeling sorrow. Its way better that pretending that everything should be okay or that I should have a different response.

10:37pm

This morning I had a breakfast sandwich and brown rice. I went to the store with mom right after to pick up drinks for the weekend. She talked a lot with her coworker. It was snowy so we had to drive slow too, which was nice. I love how the first snow looks on everything.

Stream kinda sucked. I did Inktober with no other warmups. I drew the corner of my high school room that used to have my TV and laptop setup, got kinda nostalgic about it. Season 1 of Mia finished and was epic by Mia standards. Panthea's face didn't show which I expected, they must not have had the budget. He Man was good. For the group commission I line a character but had to redo it because I misinterpreted the entire pose which was my fault. I ended stream because I was sad and wanted to go cry so I did. It didn't last long and afterwards I joined David's server to finish the commission. It was nice in there this morning, I wasn't annoyed like usual.

I left them to go get lunch which was surprisingly good homemade soup. I think I had a cool little recipe going on. It took longer to cook than I thought so I was late to my afternoon productivity. I spent that time drawing something for Daisy's rats. I have a direction for it and I'm trying to make sure it comes out extremely good so I couldn't finish it today. For awhile I got into the flow of things listening to music on blast. I stopped to take a break and watch a stream. Daisy offered to Zelda and chill at one point so we did that and I wasted a bit of time looking for a beetle. I switched to dungeoning and Daisy had to leave halfway through since her mom came home. I finished the floor I was and got off to eat my usual chicken and fries dinner. While Daisy was in bed I played Cities Skylines. We talked just a little bit about feelings but I didn't wanna say too much because I need to compile what it is I really want to say because it feels like something important is happening with me right now but it's early into it. I want to be intentional about moving forward so I can hopefully break this cycle of mine.

[nicolespeaks]

I apologized for how I was being, for the stress I was projecting onto him. I don't want to apologize for my feelings and I won't submit to the pressure he puts on me.

I promised my commitment to him, to our future. That doesn't mean I have to sacrifice my present to please him. I am allowed to take care of myself while staying true to my commitments. Right now I do think about how to separate from him, but I know that's me trying to run away from the distress. I don't need to run away, and I don't need to force myself to be present. I can do what I need for myself.

No one has been on my side. No one has respected me. I don't need to force myself to forgive them to make things civil. If I don't forgive them I don't forgive them. I don't need to force myself to be kind and sweet to the people that hurt me. My feelings and experiences are valid.

I'm inspired right now to extend my knowledge, grow my brain, and learn everything I can. I have the ability within me, and I can bring that out into existence.

I don't know who needs me right now, other than me. I'm allowing myself to be depressed about the things that bother me. I care about people, but I need to care for myself. I can't care for others if I have nothing to give. I don't need to force that. I know who I am and the amazing things I'm capable of doing. I know I'm special in this world. Everyone is special because they are them. I can be me too.

Let me focus on the things I want to do. I have so many ideas and I always want to execute them, but discipline and executing come together. Let me go slow, but by bit. I'll find my direction as I go. Let me stay in the present seconds, don't think weeks ahead. Life doing move in chunks, in moves in pieces.

I'm an artist. I see the world differently. I may not work with it, but I see the beauty in things. I'm more in control than I've ever been. I'm more grounded and present. I can do anything. I'm capable of it.

Staying aware of my trauma behaviors is helping. I've learned its more harmful to go backwards despite it being the one thing I want to do. I make mistakes, that's alright, but I don't dwell on them and make myself feel bad. I acknowledge what Ive done and I full heartedly do my best to learn and be better. I can be proud of myself for that. I've come a long way.

Talking to my friends about things help. Getting support is really all I need. I let myself go too much at times, but I'm aware and Im actively working on it. I can trust that they care about me and want to support me no matter what. My problems are mine alone and I may feel alone, but I must remember there are people who believe in me, and that feels good to depend on. trying to explain myself and my situations is hard, I get jumbled up in my words and I sometimes speak straight out of emotion. Having friends is great and helps, though I do need to find a therapist to have a healthy outlet to talk. I want that for myself.

I can tell that I'm learning and growing. I'm figuring a lot on my own but I don't need to with some things. I can receive help and help will help. All the small things I do matter as well. I can care and take care of myself. I want to. I may not register myself as a valuable human being but I'm working on changing that cause I know it's not healthy thinking. Being under power and control or someone makes it difficult, I've been in the position all my life whether I put myself there or it was forced upon me. I get scared when I think about gaining independence, fear of upsetting the other person or defending myself. It shouldnt be hard and I'm not at fault for wanting what's best for me. If other people don't agree, I don't need to submit to make them more comfortable. I don't need to give up control. I've been that person. I don't need to be anymore.

[problematicpooch]

you can’t really compare a dissociative trauma disorder to a learning disorder… it just doesn’t work. of course no one (as far as i’m aware) is going “oh letters float around for me but that’s just how reading is! it’s so silly! i don’t have a disorder!” but people are saying that type of shit about plurality. you can’t have alters without trauma, point blank end of sentence. i’ve seen endos describe their plural experience as literally did / osdd, but then say “oh but i’m not disordered”. i’ve also seen endos saying shit like “erm i was born plural and i remember being plural since i was a baby” (which is impossible unless you have the disorder that makes you remember everything from conception, because that’s just not how human memory works) and “here’s my infinite alters that i got from watching my favourite tv shows!!!!! they’re all my favourite characters that walk into my brain!!!!!” (which is not how alters work). even what you describe as your own experience is literally just osdd-1b, verbatim. osdd-1b is defined as lack of dissociative amnesia (ie. “memory problems”) and clearly defined alters, both of which (if im understanding correctly) you say you experience.

also, this is a lot coming from someone who would rather say “oh erm it was my alter 🤓☝️” than take any responsibility for your own actions lmao

please learn system responsibility rather than resorting to “i don’t control these alters and it’s not my fault if they fuck up. at least i tried! 😃”

Our opinion on endos

All systems are traumagenic. Period. No way around it. But we don’t hate endos, in fact they deserve just as much support as the rest of us. Why?

The job of DID is to hide trauma. Endogenic systems probably just don’t remember it, are in denial, or think it wasn’t ‘bad enough’.

So to yall endo’s- sorry to break it to you, but your traumagenic. Your trauma is valid and it’s ok if you don’t remember it. You still deserve love.

[killerlookz]

𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐖𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐌𝐞 𝐎𝐮𝐭 | Brian Wilcox x Gn! Reader

description: a fic very loosely! based on im not okay by my chemical romance in which, reader often seeks out their best friend brian's help regarding their failing relationship with their boyfriend, but never seems to listen. and brian gets frustrated that reader won't break up with their boyfriend for more reasons than just them not being treated right.

content: lots of angsty teen stuff. vague reference to leaked intimate photos. best friends to "enemies" (using that word loosely) to lovers, angst, cheating, comfort, first kiss, fluff!!! (happy ending)

word count: 3285

"I just don't understand why you have such an interest in us breaking up!" You snapped, staring at your best friend's expressionless face as he sits on the edge of your bed. Suddenly, that changed, his eyebrows furrowed, and he grimaced, shaking his head.

"Why?" He retorted with equal force to you, throwing up his arms in disbeleif, "Because he fucking treats you like shit!"

"Not like shit, Brian. You're being overdramatic." You cross your arms over your chest defensively.

"Like SHIT y/n, I'm not having this argument with you again." He runs a hand through his greasy black hair, the strands lifting up from their spot thrown over his forehead as they fall through his fingers. "You know y/n, you claim to have all these fucking problems, but you don't, everything wrong in your life would just be solved if you broke up with him, and I keep telling you this, and you never fucking listen, I have no advice left to give you, I'm sick of hearing about this, I'm worn out." He rants.

"Brian!" You scold in a weak, faint voice, tears welling up in your eyes. "Well, who's the one treating me like shit now?" You huff.

"Don't start with that," He gestures his pointer finger at you, shaking it up and down. "You told me you wanted my honest opinion, I'm being honest, it's not my fault you don't want to hear it."

"Well you tell me he treats me like shit but never tell me why all you say is to break up with him. I feel stuck, like I have no other options."

"Don't tell you why?- Because you do that for me. Every. Single. TIme you bitch to me." Brian sighs, frustration deep within his heavy breaths. "Come on y/n, don't be stupid, everyone's seen those pictures he took of you."

Your throat goes dry and you swallow viciously while sucking in a hard breath through your nose. Your face contorts with discontent, and your jaw clenches. For a moment you're suddenly transported back to the most humiliating weeks of your life. You can still feel the stares of your judgemental classmates burning into your body, with knowing eyes, aware of parts of you that they shouldn't have been. You can hear their whispers and giggles swarm around your head.

"That was fucking low, Brian." A tear rolls down your face which you quickly wipe away using the entire back of your hand. You shake your head, knitting your brows, "It was an accident-" You choke.

"You and I both know that's not true." Brain mutters.

"Why are you being so cruel." Your voice begins to crack as you can feel a sob coming on. Brian's reaction isn't exactly what you expected, most times you ranted about your boyfriend Brian was usually there to give you a hug, and to comfort you. Sure, he'd usually tell you to break up with your boyfriend, (in less friendly terms than that), but still, he'd at least always offer some sort of positivity.

Brian takes a deep inhale, "Because," then he exhales, "You wear me out."

"Do I?" You sneer, unsure of whether to be more sad or angry.

"Look, I don't mean to like make you upset, or let you down, or whatever," He speaks rapidly, shaking his head and screwing his eyes shut tight. "But I think it's better off you if you just hear the truth."

"But Brian," You sigh, "I can tell you're not telling the whole truth."

"That's on you." He crosses his arms, "I'm not arguing anymore, I have my own shit to worry about, I can't keep dealing with your problems. Try taking a good hard look at yourself sometime, and maybe you'll actually understand where I'm coming from."

You don't respond, only staring at Brian through misty eyes. As your breath falters, trying your best to hold back a full-on sob, you try took look for some semblance of warmth from Brian, just an ounce of comfort. Despite how upsetting Brian's words were, you knew that just the smallest amount of consolation would make you feel better, even if he just gave you a loose hug, that always worked, that always made you feel better, why couldn't he just do that?

"I gotta go," he huffs, "See you around."

You can't bear to look at him as he gets off his spot on your bed. You continue to say silent, your arms crossed around your chest, looking down at your legs. You can hear the sound of his footsteps walking out of the room, and the door closing on his way out, the shutting sound signaling you were now alone was an immediate trigger for the tears to come falling down your cheeks.

That's just it. You were alone.

The one person in your life that you could count on to make you feel better in times of need just walked right out the door without an ounce of hesitation. What were you to do now? Cry to your boyfriend about it? That would go over well. 'Hey babe, I really need someone right now, my best friend just stormed out of my room because he got frustrated about me always complaining about you.'

You sighed, throwing your head back on your pillow, your tears now running sideways down your face. The worst part is, you knew Brian was right. You had to break up with your boyfriend, and that would solve all of your problems. The two of you weren't in love, you weren't even sure that you had ever been. But with no boyfriend, how could you possibly deny your actual feelings for-

"Y/N! DINNER!" You heard your mother scream from the kitchen, cutting your thoughts off completely. Shit, you quickly wipe away the tears from your eyes, not in the mood to be questioned on why you were crying over dinner. You take a few deep breaths in and out, preparing yourself to act at least somewhat normal before heading out to eat dinner.

You walked into the kitchen and your mom greeted you with a confused look on her face,

"I thought Brian was staying for dinner."

-

It had been a few days since your argument with Brian, and you hadn't talked to him since. Truth be told, you weren't doing well, not at all. The last few days had been full of nothing but tension and tears for you. Every time he'd pass you by in the hallway you were ignored, he wouldn't even spare you a glance. He'd usually avert his eyes and turn to talking to Amber, or one of his other friends.

It hurt Like, really fucking hurt.

You couldn't stand the feeling it gave you every time he passed you by, the way your heart dropped, and your stomach flipped. You couldn't count the times you felt yourself nearly throw up in the last couple of days alone.

Not having Brian around was far worse than any heartbreak you ever experienced. It had only been a couple of days, and it wasn't like he loathed you or anything, but you'd almost felt like a part of you was missing without him around. It felt stupid to say, he was just some greasy teenager, but you never really realized how complete he made you feel.

Your boyfriend, on the other hand, seemed happier than ever. Glad you finally ditched that "loser" Brian. He'd never really enjoyed having Brian around, and you usually had to fight to try to let him hang out with you whenever your boyfriend was around.

You sighed, placing your head in your hand as your arm rested on your desk. Your last period teacher was ranting and raving about something, you couldn't have been less interested. You picked up your heavy head and raised your arm way up.

"Yes y/n?" The teacher shot a look your way.

"Can I go to the bathroom?" You ask, desperate to get out of class.

"I'm in the middle of a lecture-"

"Okay, but I have to go to the bathroom."

"Fine. Go." She responded reluctantly before getting back onto her tangent.

You're relieved the teacher did not put up much of a fight, and begin to slip out of the classroom, into the dismal halls of the school building. You had no real destination, you didn't actually have to use the bathroom, only the desire to roam around aimlessly to try and clear your head. The poorly-lit, decaying classrooms filled with far too many people you didn't like tended to get pretty stuffy really quickly.

You tried to think of nothing else other than the sound of your footsteps as your beat-up old vans hit the dirty tile floor with every step you took. You let the quiet thudding sound sort of put you into a trance until you heard a voice around the corner.

"Oh forget them," You heard an all-too-familiar voice say, "They'll never know." It was your boyfriend. You stopped dead in your tracks, not really wanting to be seen by him and have any sort of interaction, but you were also very intrigued as to what he was talking about. You inched closer against the wall he was on the other side of, just around the bend. You were meer feet away but he had know knowledge of your presence.

"Are you sure?" You heard another voice say, a girl this time, you recognized the voice as a friend of your boyfriend's that had hung out with the two of you from time to time.

"Positive, they'll probably be home crying tonight or something, too emotional to even realize or even care where I am."

You felt your muscles stiffen at the sound of his words, certainly, he wasn't talking about you, was he?

"Don't be a dick." The girl giggled.

"I'm not baby, it's just the truth, they're such a downer. I need some fun in my life."

Baby? You listened onwards, feeling your blood begin to- not boil, but simmer. You were nearly certain he was talking about you, and why was he calling her baby?

In a surprising move of bravery you peered around the corner, hoping to god the two of them didn't see you. As you peeked just your head down the hall you could see them standing a decent distance away, the girl with her back pressed against a locker, and your boyfriend hovering over her.

Some fucking nerve he had. Doing this in public? Not even having the decency to break up before going after someone else?

You couldn't even find it in you to be sad right now, you bit down on the inside of your cheeks, surpressing a cackle of utter disbelief at what you were witnessing.

"Okay," The girl smirked before catching her bottom lip in her teeth, "I'll see you at 8 then?"

"On the dot." Your boyfriend smirked back.

"See you then."

Your boyfriend leaned down from his spot standing over her, pressing a kiss onto the girl's cheek. If only he knew you were here to see this right now.

You quickly swung your head back from around the corner and began heading back the way you came, hoping that neither of them would also walk this way and run into you.

Your legs trembled under you as you walked, and you feared that they might give out any second now. Your breath shook and you could barely get a decent-sized breath in or out.

God, if you'd just listened to Brian and broken up with your boyfriend when he first told you to none of this would have ever happened, and you'd still have your best friend.

You walked right past your classroom, unable to functionally act like a human, right now there would have been no way that you could sit down for the remainder of class and not freak out. You swallowed hard, trying your best to repel a sob, or maybe a laugh, perhaps even somewhat of both. You had no clue how to react, what even was the proper emotion to witnessing your boyfriend cheating on you? Probably being sad. But you didn't feel sad, no, not in the miserable cry yourself to sleep sort of way. Not in the keep your head down low not talking to anyone sort of way. Instead, you felt like you had to jump out of your own skin. Nothing in your body felt right, everything was uncomfortable. You couldn't stay still, your jaw, your breath your hands, they all shook.

There was a bubbling in your throat, not of the painful lump that precedes a cry, but a burning, one that could only be soothed by screaming at the top of your lungs, a sensation that could only be quelled by a presentation of your flaming anger.

You postulated that perhaps you'd probably be sad later, once you experienced the comedown of all this disbelief and anger. And you dreaded that too, you didn't know which emotion you'd prefer, both seemed positively unbearable.

On your aimless journey down the hall, you passed a clock hung up on a depressingly beige wall, glancing up at it with nearly teary eyes you realized there were only five minutes left in the day. A slight relief. You blinked away the forming tears in your eyes and began your shaky journey back to the classroom to get your things.

"Thank you for deciding to come back." Said your teacher, giving you a disappointed glare as you walked in the room.

"There was a line." You grumbled, heading back to your seat at the back of the room.

Defeatedly, you threw yourself back into your seat and anxiously watched the clock. Time had never seemed to move so slow as it did now, each passing second hand teasing you, bringing you closer and closer to the end of the day. Even with the minute amount of time left that burning uncomfortableness inside of you made you want to just get up and run out right there.

Then finally, the shrill ringing of the dismissal bell. It's ear-shattering high pitched tone was absolute music to your ears right now as you nearly ran out the classroom door, and pushing passed the hoards of people in the hallway.

You'd never felt so claustrophobic in your life, the dozens of students lining the hall suffocated you as they prevented you from the sweet release of being out of the school building. You pushed, and pushed, and pushed, being an absolute nuisance to everyone you came in contact with, but right now you really did not care. Then finally- you stepped outside.

The contact with the fresh air was not the cathartic release you were hoping it to be. Rather, you stepped outside and realized you no longer had anything further to look forward to, nothing else that you thought perhaps could free you of this feeling. You ran a hand through your hair, tugging on the strands a little out of pure stress. Your eyes roamed the courtyard of the school, looking out on the sea of students leaving for the weekend.

Then- you spotted him, Brian, walking alone to his car. Fuck it. You needed to do something. Talk to someone. You began walking in that direction, your legs picking up at an unreasonably fast walking pace.

You made your way to Brian's old, beatup car, he hadn;t noticed your presence right outside his passenger window. You peaked in the dirty window, you could see him in the drivers seat, head down with various CD cases strewn upon his lap, his shaggy hair falling in his face.

You tapped on the window, feeling the sun-warmed glass under your knuckle. Slightly startled Brian looked up, his face turning to one of confusion, or maybe it was disgust as his eyes locked with yours. You were having none of it. You knocked again.

"Open the fucking door Brian." You barked through the glass. Shaking his head in perhaps confusion, he leaned over the console and pulled up the lock on the door. Before Brian could even sit back down completely you were tugging on the door handle, and flinging yourself into the passenger seat of Brian's car.

"What the hell, man?" He asks as you get in.

"Save it, Brian." You snap.

"What did I do?" He asks, throwing his arms up defensively. You turn over to the side and glare at him, "Point taken." He sighs sitting back in the driver's seat. "Whatever," He shakes his head, "What are you doing here?"

"I've sat in your car a million fucking times why are you questioning me now?" You're vaguely aware of your harshness towards Brian, but part of you feels like he maybe deserves it... just a little.

"God, rough day?" He asks unsympathetically,

"I'm okay." You look him dead in the eyes. Brian turns to look at you,

"This is okay to you? Aggressively throwing yourself into my car and snapping at me after not talking for four days?"

"I said I'm okay Brian." You insist, not really keen on telling him the whole cheating situation, nowhere near being in the mood for his 'I told you so's'

"Don't fucking tell me it's him again."

You sit up a little from where you're sat in the passenger seat, inching closer to Brian's face,

"Listen to me," You raise your eyebrows, trying to emphasize your words, "I'm telling you the truth, trust me, Brian, I'm okay- I mean it."

Brian sits up in his seat as well, bringing himself closer to you. His face is so close to yours, you're looking him deep in the eyes, trying your absolute hardest not to start crying to him.

"Look man, I know I said I'm sick of hearing your problems but you don't have to lie to m-" Suddenly he's cut off when you lean forward, pressing your lips to his. What the fuck am I doing? Why the fuck did I just do that? You thought. You pulled away quickly, that sick feeling entering your stomach again after realizing what you did. You could feel yourself on the verge of throwing up. Your eyes darted around the car quickly as Brian stared at you in disbelief, you felt compelled to run out of the car, to leave here, and never ever show your face in Cody ever again.

"Oh my god Brian I'm so sorry I don't know what I was thinki-" Suddenly you were the one being cut off this time, Brian's lips pushing against your own. A sense of relief washed over you with this kiss, his hand comes up and holds your cheek. Brian's kissing is sloppy and inexperienced, and you can't help but to notice the faint smell of french fries on his hoodie sleeve, but you don't mind at all.

It's a little overwhelming, actually, the way he's holding your face close to his, the way your lips work together, literally everything else that's been going on the last few days. You feel a tear roll down your cheek, and Brian must have felt it brush up against one of his fingers because he pulls away, your face still cupped in his hand.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He asks again.

"Im not," You sniffle, shaking your head, "I'm not okay." Tears falling down both of your cheeks now. Brian raises his other hand to your face, wiping the stray droplets away with his thumbs

"Do you want to talk abou-"

"Please just kiss me again." You beg desperately.

"Of course." He nods eagerly.

a/n: finally a non eddie fic!! i've been on SUCH an mcr kick recently so i obviously had to write for my fav emo boy :,) ... sorry if this fic is a little uhh... teen angsty... but look at brian... that man is the EPITOME of teen angst. hope everyone enjoyed :)

[blueberry-writer]

HII IM THE SAME ANON WHO SENT THE FURST VANITAS REQUEST!!! It was so good tysm😭😭 So im back ofc bc it was wonderful

Anyway can u make a vanitas fluff alphabet? If not maybe some kissing hcs with gn reader? Ty in advance!!❤️❤️

Notes:Oh my, hi! 'Thank you'for what? i love write request! i hope you enjoy Vanitas fluff alphabet!!💙💙

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Usually you go to 'hunt' vampires to be treated withVanitas and Noè

In your free time you two go and visit beautiful places together tasting the typical dishes every now and then Noè will come to make the third wheel

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

He loves everything about you but the thing that physically prefers are your eyes

He just loves to get lost in them and remember that these beautiful eyes belong to his better half

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

I have the hc that Vanitas, because of his past, often suffers from panic attacks so in his own way he would know well how to behave.

He’ll wait until you’re ready to talk and look him in the eye.

If you can’t, he understands it perfectly.

Without speaking, he will put a blanket on your shoulders and prepare you a tea that will leave near you that will serve to calm down.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

He will never admit it but he has already made a lot of mental movies about your future life together: He will be a world-famous doctor in the world of vampires, you will be his beautiful, intelligent and lovable wife and together you will have two children, a male and a female.

... yeah, we can say that he has a lively imagination

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

Dominant, he loves to annoy you and 'ruin' your day with his horrible jokes, maybe sometime he would even say dirty jokes😇

BUT If you get tired of his dirty and not dirty jokes and you can respond properly, you can see his cheeks blush and see Vanitas that becomes a lovely tsundere

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

Usually you two never fight except for bullshit and therefore are useless quarrels that end in one/two minutes.

But if the fight is serious... it’s gonna be a little messy.

If it’s his fault, surely Noè can reason with him in one way or another.

If it’s your fault, it depends on your character!

But once you apologize to him ( and if it wasn’t particularly bad) he will forgive you after an hour or two and you will be back to being the usual couple.

If it’s serious, it’ll take a while, maybe a month or two, but don’t worry, he’ll take care of you without being noticed

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

He’s grateful, but his pride will never allow him to admit it in front of everyone.

But I’m sure he’ll tell you when you two are alone at a special time or when you’re asleep.

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

He has few secrets he hides from you.

But these few are the worst, they all talk about his past and he’s afraid that if you found out, you might not love him anymore and leave him.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

is very inspired by you, yes.

But when he tried to change it didn’t end well

So you’re gonna have to put up with your annoying boyfriend the way he is 🙌

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

Yeah. Yeah, he does.

He gets jealous when someone gets close to you and you don’t have a problem with it.

If that person is someone you both know, then he’s going to start a 'comedy show' about how he can’t be that close to you.

If it’s someone he don’t know then he’ll come up to you, put your hand on your side and say:"heyy baby! how are y-.. oh? who are you? a friend of y/n? Ohh i get it, well nice to meet you, i’m their boyfriend Vanitas." accentuating heavily the 'their boyfriend'.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

we all saw how he kissed Jeanne, right?

Yes, yes, yes and yes. I allready said yes? Vanitas has a natural talent for being good at kissing.

Your first kiss with Vanitas was natural and not forced at all, it was very soft and with a touch of malice which made everything perfect.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

His confession was... a little peculiar. 

He confessed after a life-or-death situation in which you were very close to death.

He was really afraid of losing you, so as soon as you recovered he took courage and confessed to you as the sun went down leaving room for the beautiful blue moon.

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

Of course he does, he wants to be with you all his life (as I said earlier, he has made many mental movies about it).

He’d probably propose with a nice silver ring with a sapphire set.

Oh Lord, on the night of the proposal he would be so nervous and embarrassed.

He took you out on the terrace of a beautiful restaurant, and my God, you could easily see that that night he blushed for the least.

Obviously Noè and Dominique will be disguised as waiters to check that vanitas doesn’t mess up

At the end of the dinner, while you were on the balcony admiring the full moon, he knelt down, his face completely red (he is not used to these things, poor dear) and finally he will propose to you.

"W-Will you marry me, y/n."

You will say your yes and only then you will see the whole crowd (Noè, Dominique, Jeanne, Dante, Johann, Riche, Oliver and Roland) applauding and shouting with joy putting both of you embarrassed.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

“Princess/prince” “my girl/boy” and somethime even “my love”

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

He has never experienced love in his life, so this strong feeling leaves him a little stunned.

He has never experienced love in his life, so this strong feeling leaves him a little woozy.

He was so stunned that for a while he tried to avoid you in every way, he tried to oppress the desire to see you and be close to you.

At first you thought you had done something wrong, it was a huge relief for you when Noè said that vanitas was trying to avoid you 'just' because he had such a great love for you that he didn’t know how to behave.

Slowly Vanitas became accustomed to this feeling, to the point where he could not do without it.

he was always clinging to you and one way or another you always ended up having dinner or lunch together. He just can’t help loving you.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

He has no problem showing you to others, on the contrary, he boasts of having the best s/o in the world

"See that beautiful person Noè? That’s MY beautiful s/o!"

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

Definitely his medical skills.

If you’re hurt, he won’t hesitate for a second to come and cure you

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

Usually when you’re with other people it’s more flirty than romantic.

But when you two are alone, you’ll have a pampering-thirsty Vanitas that’s sticking to you 24-7

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

Maybe even more than it should be!

he just can’t help encourage his beloved

"Come on love! you can do it, I believe in you!"

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

we can say that your adventures around the world of vampires make your relationship never banal and not at all boring

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

In his own way, he’s empathetic and very understanding.

He’s a little childish, but he knows when to be serious, and he would never allow himself to hurt you.

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

is very important. He needs to be with you, he have to be with you.

You’ve unlocked emotions he’s never felt before.. You made him feel the feeling that is called love. You are, his love.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

he loves it when you cuddle him and start playing with his hair. he melts under your touch.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

Yeah. Man, he loves it.

he cannot stay without pampering and physical affection for more than a week

Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

He’s obviously more grumpy, he can’t help it.

If only someone would try to talk to him about it would send him to hell as a glance.

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lenghts for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

Yes, as already mentioned many times he thought of your future wedding with him many times, imagine how you would look beautiful with a wedding dress.

Surely, he would like to have a family with you. A new chapter in his life with you.

He wants and will always be at your side even if sometimes he needs to be alone.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ That's it! i hope you liked it!💙

[dailytatsu]

Hello! I saw request were open so i was wondering if i could request some headcanons of the Archons and/or the Adepti meeting a God reader who is the God of Chaos and destruction. The reader is not a Archon tho and travels all over Teyvat cuz small bits of destruction were ever they go. They're pretty mischievous and somewhat smug but despite how they act they're actually a good person. They dont mean to cause problems(most of the time anyways) chaos follows them were ever they go. Idk if you have a character limit but if you do please tell me so i wont make a mistake again. And if there is you can just do Zhongli and Xiao. Optionally could you make them a dendro user, there not a lot of dendro content and if not thats fine. I understand. Could you make the reader Gn or Non-binary they/them pronouns please? If not male reader is totally fine. Im so sorry for the long post and I hope you have a good day/night!

Ohmy, it’s my first time just writing headcanons! I’m use to write a lot, so let’s hope I did it right (^ ^' )7

Thanks for the request! ✨

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[HC] God of Chaos! Reader and the Archons + Xiao

Characters: Zhongli, Xiao, Venti, Shogun Raiden (Ei).

Gn! Reader

I tried doing it with everyone but I’m no still that confident to try writing with some characters ＿|￣|○

Sorry for any mistakes!

Request are open!

Genshin Masterlist

Second part ->

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VENTI

To be honest, he didn't notice your presence at first. He had other concerns on his mind that day to perceive the chaotic (and slightly threatening) aura that Mondstadt was infected with that day.

Barbatos is a person of habit, so he couldn't help but be curious when the crowd in front of him began to look a little agitated instead of seeming to enjoy his lyre and his songs.

But then a series of domino events appeared in front of his very eyes.

The purity of the chaos was such that he felt overwhelmed, even without the white-haired boy around, if it wasn’t Bennett fault, then how was it possible for everything to be ruined in such a short time?

His patience ended when, out of nowhere, the strings of his lyre jumped close to his face as they snapped. Making that awful noise that couldn’t mean nothing good.

Okay, enough, who is messing around in here? No more joking in his nation!

He concentrated a little, a faint but unique presence kept his nerves on edge, as if he was being watched from afar. He moved away from the busy areas and then chased that ephemeral energy to the highest point of the church, where the bells were ringing in an irregular and stressful way.

Then he found you. Snoozing against one of the columns, somewhat tired because the trip you made to reach Mondstadt.

Surprisingly, Barbatos understood you since the first exchange of words. A god of chaos who was also a free spirit, you followed no rules ever written in Teyvat, and you had no plans to apologize for the mess you made.

Both of you were Zhongli’s worst nightmare, but that’s another story.

He managed to through your arrogance and your teasing nature that you, in fact, were a lonely spirit that liked to witness the life from above of everyone.

The difference between teasing someone accidentally and committing a crime was really visible, but he still couldn't help but feel like he should scold you after your mere presence messed up with the guild's baskets full of fish.

But hey! He also enjoy the company! Venti tried to teach you how to enjoy the calm and the whisper of wind, music can also contain chaos, feelings, old stories waiting to be told again, expressions and desire united, in a wonderful piece of-

As you yawned his lyre broke up again. Making clear the message.

Okay, not even God of Freedom and Wind can control chaos. Anyways, what a tragedy, but there’s nothing a simple bard can do, smh.

“Do you like kids, don’t you?” He said once, after a nice day of hearing him sing before your chaos reached his little concert. Again watching everyone from above on the hands of the statue, with your attention caught by some kids playing tag.

“… I don’t know what do you mean.” Once discovered you had no choice but to remain defensive, pretending to be disinterested.

“Heh, you aren’t a good liar.” It may not be the wisest thing to make fun of someone who could destroy the place where you were resting, but Venti was confident that he knew you well enough to know that you were not so explosive. “You know!, I just have some pieces, but I think it’s because they are little walking concentrations of pure and innocent chaos, am I wrong?”

He wasn’t, no at all. But you would never confess something that embarrassing.

This guy wrote a ballad about the days when Mondstadt got immerse with that strike of bad luck. Kind of an apology of not being able to handle the situation.

Now there’s the rumor that says that, every time somebody sings that song, something unlucky will happen in front of you.

The song is cursed.

One night when the moon was shining on the Cider Lake his well tuned ears distinguished a melody that was broken from time to time by the accidents of his performer, distracting him of his way to look for you.

It could be painful to listen to, but Venti could certainly feel the dedication of the one who was playing the imperfect song.

The ballad of the god of chaos, hummed like a lullaby that instead of making you sleep makes you question the events of the day. Wishing for the slightest thing to be different after an exhaustive week of peace and tranquility.

A lonely spirits cursing their existence, sitting in the highest point of a stranger’s palace, where you can reach the sky by only rising your hand.

The next day, Barbatos invited you to drink some wine, this time near Windrise to avoid accidents in the city.

As he almost dropped the bottle when a lot of slimes were attracted by your presence, he confirmed the theory about that the way to spend time with you would not be his personal definition of hanging out.

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ZHONGLI

Okay, there’s only two scenarios that could happened when you set a foot in Liyue.

Old man has a soft spot for you for being a relative young deity.

Or he’s always lecturing you for not having control of your aura and powers.

How u dare bringing chaos to the nation of order? It’s that a death wish?

Jokes aside, you’re not really a threat. And he could sense that after he saw how you tried to avoid having direct contact with the city. Rex Lapis found your silhouette jumping and crossing through the mountains until reaching the fairest point that allowed you to enjoy the view of the streets that were filled with life and light as the sunsets.

He even noticed how you sighed in frustration when a storm started out of nowhere. A rain dedicated just for the arriving of the God of Chaos. Not even bothering of getting shield, you stayed in your place to look at all the people who were getting back to their places.

The rain seemed to stop over your head, for a second was enough to stop you from being cruelly swamped by the very weather you had created. An elegant umbrella covered you, the long awaited surprise you expected from someone as outdated as Morax.

You looked up, and found his expression calm and attentive, watching you. As if he had made a great discovery that he could not believe

“May I have a moment of your time to keep you company? Letting out your sorrows in the middle of a torrential storm is not what I would recommend as way to spend a good day.”

“… What are you talking about? Get in your own business, old man.”

“Well, you should know that a sorrow shared is a sorrow halved.”

Next time you knew was that he was helping you to dry your hair with a towel once you let him guide you to his place.

Zhongli picked you up like a abandoned cat that day. Even if having you near meant to deal with new the roof leaks.

Also kept you away from Hu Tao, if you two ever get along for being partners in crime he would seal himself underground-

For all the time you spend exploring Liyue, there he was. Like a little kid showing his treasures. But also like a worried father looking after his child for them not to stumble making their first steps.

Look at you! Almost crushing those Treasure Hoarders when a bunch of rocks fell down after you jumped at the edge of the cliff.

Wait, no- come back here! You should verify the surroundings and be aware of the weight of your power if you’re going to explore in that bold way. You, chaotic brat.

Another one who believed fervently that your mood was to blame for the constant chaos you caused. He also tried to show you the wonders of peace and calm, teaching you how to prepare tea while listening to the storyteller (also both being a little far away from the rest of them, just in case).

He couldn’t help but sigh when the teapot arm broke as soon as you tried to serve the tea. What a waste, he thought.

You apologized to him, kind of stressed with yourself after you took all the pieces with your bare hands to run away with them. Leaving a confused Zhongli behind.

Next day you were back, with the teapot repaired and just like new.

He let out a lot of thankful words, some flattering and a lot more cheesy things that you never had received before.

With that unexpected affection you couldn’t help but react flustered; then a cat that was chasing a bird jumped through a lot of decorations and merchandise, almost starting a fire as the chained events kept going.

Yeah,, uh, Zhongli got some useful mental notes about you and your chaos that day.

Hey, before you go, want to make a contract? You won’t regret it!

But as the wandering spirit you were you had no problems in reject his offer, but also promising that you would visit Liyue if he wanted you to.

Of course he wanted! But.. maybe next time you should stay in Huaguang Stone Forest instead of roaming near the city,,

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XIAO

Tried to kill you.

I mean, your aura is threatening and full of a destructive energy, how is possible that you weren’t a demon to eradicate??

Sorry, but he had a point.

Your first met was on your way to reach Huaguang Stone Forest along with Zhongli for introduce you with the Adeptus.

Xiao, in the other side, thought that you were about to attack Morax from behind, so he just struck against you. With his polearm near to go through your chest, just stopped because you felt him before.

Lifting your hand at his direction, summoning chaos, this time, on purpose. The wind gained a wrathful nature and the biggest roots that were hiding under his feet rose to caught him.

And when you were about to hit each other Zhongli’s shield appeared just in time to separate both of you. Preventing a real catastrophic event.

Now stop fighting and introduce to each other.

Nice(n’t) to meet u.

What if you tried to awake Azhdaha to bring chaos and destruction to Liyue? What if you wanted to summoned Osial? What if… ?

Zhongli had to confirm and promise to him that those cruel possibilities won’t be a near future for respecting the real reason of your travel.

No matter if he wasn’t comfortable with your presence, it wasn’t his decision to allow you to roam freely, so he had to get use to it.

He immediately knew after hearing about your nature that was your fault that lately there were a lot more demons and monsters. Even his karma was getting more painful than usual.

(If you ever meet Hu Tao, please think twice before doing Xiao a prank)

You both didn’t interact a lot, and being honest, it was better that way.

He hadn’t a single intention of talking with you again until the day you were practicing the song that your Anemo friend taught you. By the other hand, Xiao noticed that the melody had the same nature as the one he once heard before being consumed by the karma.

It wasn’t a flute, but a worn lyre that was still in one piece after weeks of being repaired again and again.

“That song… ”

“Do you know it?” Xiao just nodded, staying in silence, being your very first audience even if you still have a lot to learn about playing a lyre.

It wasn’t as effective as the original, but was still… nice, kind of nostalgic.

Next morning, the Yaksha called for you. Made you stay still in the middle of a plain and then he disappeared of your sight.

He abandoned y- wait, what’s that? Why those monsters has that weird dark aura?

You were about to defend yourself until Xiao appeared back just in time to defeat them.

That day you became his personal bait for demons and monsters. Naturally you attracted chaos, so anyway you were, there will be also something to fight.

I guess this is your way to pay for all the troubles you made for him and his duty, so no complaining about it.

If you ask for a unexpected experience to Ganyu she would said that once she found both of you fighting along against the catastrophe, looking after each other’s back and almost having a perfect synchrony.

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SHOGUN RAIDEN; EI

Also tried to kill you.

Well, the puppet tried to.

And then Ei tried when you had the opportunity of facing her.

But since killing a god just mean the releasing of a lot, pure, energy she couldn’t afford that risk, much less considering your “speciality”.

Who knows what would happen to Inazuma if your vital energy burst across the nation. Just like that old story about Sal Terrae and their goddess.

She just defeated you. Letting you rest and recovering in the midst of the plane of her reality within her mind. Your inert body in the middle of the battlefield as she kept meditating.

When you woke up she ignored your presence, but also denying your complaints about letting you go out back.

In her words, you were a burden, another enemy of eternity. Something as unpredictable as you and your “accidents” couldn’t get along with her utopia.

Ei could banish you from Inazuma, but she knows your type. Stubborn and not accepting the most simple orders to obey.

She knew that you would found a way to be back.

It’s better like this.

And in the hypothetical case of you being freed when she trapped the traveler (kicking you out) and then having a chance to see her again after the end of the war, then things would be somewhat different.

There’s not that much of civilization on some islands, so she allowed you to explore as much as your heart wanted. But if something serious happen, she promised that would end her work in the middle of the sea so your remains never be found.

Okay, message clear. Just do chaos near monsters and bandits, got it,,

Even if she wanted to spend some time with you and telling you some stories about Inazuma and other gods she couldn’t found the right time to call you at her presence.

As the current ruler of Inazuma she was busier than the rest of Archons you have meet. Maybe just some letters now and then like a way to keep a logbook, but not really a face to face talk.

Until she got the opportunity of a day off, just to found you messing around near some ruins. Trying to solve a puzzle before your speciality strikes in. The structure fell down after your fingertips reached the stone.

When the dust dissipated, you discovered her figure judging you from the other side of the remain ruins.

Give her a good reason for not errase you from the map, I dare u.

You felt the worst was about to come when Ei ordered you to follow her after a long sigh. Crossing her arms and starting to walk away from the bunch of old and worn rock.

Plot Twist, she actually invited you to rest under a tree, asking in her serene voice the reason for your journey and your origin. In such a direct way that it seemed more like a sentence than a talk to get to know each other better.

You answered what you could remember and then the silence stayed like the only way of interaction between you two.

Ohno, you know this pattern. Something’s about to happen-

“There is some strange beauty in the chaos, it may be the calm after the storm, but the catastrophe itself is seen as a necessary evil to appreciate the stillness. How much it would last until the lighting hit the valley?”

“So I arrived to keep order between the humans?”

Well yes, but actually no.

“… You see, if there is nothing but order and a lack of problems, mortals are likely to create them on their own. Their minds feels the need to be tested, to prove their worth, so I guess some of your chaos may be part of the history.”

“… then shall we take a walk in Inazuma?” You did not know if you were right, but you thought you saw a faint smile through his lips in the same way that lightning can be seen in the sky.

“I’ll allow it.” She said.

Her only condition was for you not to approach the huge boxes of fireworks down the street.

[cyberaxolotl]

Many thanks to Sun for making this post. They’ve given over the hard stuff, and now it’s time for me to add on.

Note that I can only speak on my behalf and not on anyone else’s here.

I’ll start by saying I am terribly, terribly sorry for everyone that I hurt in my impulsivity. My own lack of self awareness and inability to realize that my sense of humor would make others uncomfortable is entirely at fault in recent times. My sense of humor is very driven by sexual and “cursed” humor and I tend to forget that it’s a sense of humor that will make a lot of people uncomfortable.

I also tend to get very comfortable with people very quickly, especially if I’m with people I was already truly comfortable with. This was a big problem, I’d be with others who I was very close with, and I’d end up forgetting that there was somebody who was not them was there. I’m extremely close with my closest friends, we talk about literally everything and anything with each other, and because that friendship is so good, I’ll end up seeking it out. Part of my problem was that I was trying to get close with people who I could not become so close with, because the level of comfort that is simply isn’t possible with some people.

Touching on 2020 issues, yes, I was very bad back then. I was 12, I had very poor social skills from being homeschooling and only growing up online, and I didn’t understand my disability and couldn’t explain it like I can now. I didn’t know what was wrong when it was wrong because my only influence socially was being online. You could say that I’m, very literally, chronically online. And that really skews perspective when you’re 12. But i’m not 12 anymore, and my past experiences have helped me form a better moral compass.

I never would have wrote that fic if I had known and someone had told me it was wrong. But, with the group I shared it with, nobody did tell me after I wrote it. I should have known better, obviously I should have, but I didn’t. And when you’re unintentionally doing something wrong, and nobody tells you that you’re doing something wrong, that has bad results. I wish I never had wrote it.

12-13 year old me did a lot of morally skewed stuff. I was impulsive, I wrote that fic, I was exclus, I ended up being manipulative, because I hadn’t known what I was doing. Im 15 now and I want to be better, I want to be good. I’m trying to manage my impulsivity, I condemn the me that wrote that, I’m not exclus, and I’ve gotten better at communicating. But when you were a child like I was, and I still am, who’s social skills were based entirely online with only social media as a reference? I hiccup. And I wish I didn’t hiccup, but I do, and I only realize I had hiccuped when it’s too late.

I’ve already noted that my number one problems, today and in the past, are three things; I am impulsive, I get too comfortable too quickly in an attempt to have close friends, and I lack self awareness. These are 3 symptoms of ADHD that I hadn’t realized were affecting my life, and only very recently did I get a better understanding of them. Understanding my disability is a long road to unpack and I don’t think I’ll ever understand myself fully.

The number one thing I can ask people to do for these three symptoms is talk to me. Tell me when I’m doing it, tell me if you’re uncomfortable, please. I don’t want to upset people, but when I can’t realize it for myself, I need to be communicated with. My sense of humor will always be my sense of humor, and it will never fit for everyone, but if I know it’s making people uncomfortable, then there is stuff I can do. I can lay lower in the conversation, I can change the topic I was on about, I can go with the flow of the conversation instead of leading it if I was. There are things I can do about it if I am just told I am doing it.

So many problems in my life have been because of ignorance. And I’ve learned the rough way the consequences it has. But I don’t want to keep needing to learn by horrible things happening, I don’t want to keep learning by losing friends and hurting people. I want people to tell me.

Of course, it’s nobody’s job to educate me, and nobody is obligated to have patience when I’ve hurt them. Being hurt is terrible, and I’m not mad at anybody. I know that this is my fault. But if there really is an attempt to be friends with me, and if I’m considered worth it, then I’d rather know that I’m hurting someone and be told than be hurting someone and continue to do so.

Recently, I got an anonymous ask to FBRFD. It was saying that I had not changed and I never would, and that it would be my downfall, even into adulthood. I don’t want it to be my downfall and I do want to change, and I have changed. Im not the same person I was when I was 12, and Im not the same person I was at the start of this year. I will change in a myriad of ways throughout my life as my view shifts, my social skills get better, as I understand myself more, there are a lot of things contributing to it.

I’m not mad at whichever person sent me that ask. I’ve said unruly things while feeling big emotions too, and especially if they’re someone I have hurt, I do not blame them. But I do wonder what they wanted to achieve from it, sending a message like that to a disabled child.

The number one thing I have, and always have wanted, is to make people happy and to make people laugh. And I’ve failed that several times. But every time I mess up, it’s putting more things into perspective, showing me something that I’d done wrong, or something that I simply couldn’t have done right.

And, once again, I am terribly sorry to everyone that I hurt. I don’t expect any forgiveness for what I did, but I don’t want to be told I’ve ruined my life when I’m 15.

This post and this reblog could backfire in a lot of ways, and I’m aware of that. But i’d rather it backfire and I be hurt again than I not admit what I’d done and who Id hurt.

I do not want either of the other two to be hurt. If you have any words, please, give them to me. Don’t hurt the other two.

That is my end of this done. If you’ve read this through, thank you. What you do knowing all of this is entirely up to you.

In defense of CyberAxolotl, PikaPikaFlower, and VinnieCervine

I’ll begin by saying I am not someone directly associated with the situation of these three, but a friend that CyberAxolotl vents to frequently, and I have known her since early 2020. This post was created with her input. I’ve never formally met VinnieCervine or PikaPikaFlower, but it’s told me about them, and told me about what’s been happening in their lives recently. And I feel the need to address some accusations made against them.

No names about other people associated with this situation will be said. This is an in-defense-of post, I am not attacking anybody.

There is a call-out post out there targeted onto CyberAxolotl and VinnieCervine based on their actions in 2020-2021, anywhere from 2-3 years ago at this time. I feel like it should be unnecessary to address their pasts when, at the times of 2-3 years ago, CyberAxolotl would be 12-13 and VinnieCervine would be 14-15. However, I will unpack them either way.

The label of “exclusionist” in the context of LGBT discourse on Cyberaxolotl is outdated information. CyberAxolotl is not exclusionist anymore, it was an old opinion that she no longer has. Told by CyberAxolotl, she regrets having had it.

CyberAxolotl has also been accused of making a r^pe fanfiction. It’s unfortunate to say that this claim is true, but a talk with her yields that she never meant to write it like that, and she regrets writing it at all. As said by her, 

Cyberaxolotl, as it said itself, didn't realize how messed up her fic was back then. Its also important to note that in her friend group, no one told her that it was messed up, meaning no one warned it about it.

I can understand why that action can make her unforgivable to a lot of people. She knows better now and has known better for a very long time now, and it wishes to forget that it had ever happened. But, as she said, she can’t unwrite it. All she can do is apologize and never do it again, and she KNOWS not to do it again, she’s not 12 anymore.

I believe those are two of the most major things in the past that required addressing. In their pasts, Pika was not associated with them. And, as people do, they’ve grown over two-three years

Now, new stuff has happened.

Today, CyberAxolotl is 15, VinnieCervine is 17, and PikaPikaFlower is 18. 

CyberAxolotl and PikaPikaFlower are in a romantic relationship, and CyberAxolotl and VinnieCervine are in a queerplatonic partnership.

15 and 18 is on thin ice for an age gap, and the two of them very much know that. However, a three year age gap is legal in both of their states, so long as they are not sexualizing or having sex with each other. Specifically, so long as CyberAxolotl is not being sexualized, or sharing depictions of herself naked or in sexual situations.

The two have been in a relationship since CyberAxolotl was 14 and PikaPikaFlower was 17, and are still together now. CyberAxolotl’s birthday comes before PikaPikaFlower’s, in July, while her girlfriend’s comes in September. They are always within the three year age gap.

Now, here’s something that you might not like; most teenagers are going to talk about sex, or porn, or stuff related to the topic with each other. When you’re comfortable and close with someone, even at their age, that tends to happen. What it doesn’t mean is that they are sexualizing themselves, oftentimes, especially in fandom culture, they’ll be sexualizing adult fictional characters, or their own fictional characters who are adults.

Establishing healthy boundaries is especially important when your relationship has an age gap like theirs. But, CyberAxolotl tells me this;

Teenagers are going to talk about sex with other teenagers or people they’re comfortable with. It’s a lesson everyone is taught coming online to never share sexual pictures of yourself, and CyberAxolotl knows that fully. Their relationship is fully legal so long as CyberAxolotl is not sexualized, and it has said that it’s uncomfortable being sexualized, so I can’t see that as happening. 

Whether you approve of their relationship or not is not your business. CyberAxolotl says she talked with her mother about PikaPikaFlower and their relationship, and her mother reiterates the same lesson of “as long as you aren’t sexualizing yourself, teenagers are going to talk about sex and porn. it’s just what they do.” (Quoted from her)

Any allegations made about PikaPikaFlower being a predator are far-fetched and wrong. Regardless of your opinion on their age gap, it’s legal, and it’s nobody’s business but their own. They’re happy, and if you don’t trust what they tell you about their relationship, then you’ll never be satisfied. And regardless, it is not your right.

And now, something that has been accused of them in the past and now.

Stepping over boundaries and making people uncomfortable, something relevant to all three of them.

CyberAxolotl has a big statement about this to make for herself.

I think some people can relate to the sentiment. If you don’t realize something is wrong, and nobody tells you, you won’t know it’s wrong. That’s what this comes down to, and while I know it can be hard to be patient, improving as a person is hard and needs some understanding. And having NSFW as a big part of your sense of humor can also be a problem, because you can’t really change your entire sense of humor.

And reeling it back, remember that CyberAxolotl and VinnieCervine are children, and all three of them are neurodivergent. It’s not an excuse, but they’re classified as disabilities for a reason. It means that a little extra effort and understanding needs to go in, and if you don’t have the patience for it, that’s okay. They’re all still young, even if PikaPikaFlower is an adult, and they all have time to learn. As long as they want to learn, and are willing to learn for the better part of a change, they can try their best with some help. CyberAxolotl has told me that she’s now more comfortable talking with its mother about her problems and is getting help from its family.

But also remember that changing and growing is not a linear process. They can all grow in some ways and change in others, but sometimes, they’ll end up taking a step back. This is why patience is important, nobody’s recovery or growth will EVER be linear, it’s just human nature. If you don’t want to try to help them, that’s okay, and I’m not saying they haven’t been wrong, but I don’t think anyone should be shunned, reported, or made to feel unwelcome in their community.

I do not want to call anyone a villain in this situation. Things were done wrong, a lot of things. It can’t be undone. I just don’t want these three attacked by anybody.

Thank you for reading to the end. Your thoughts on these three are your thoughts, but I don’t want their lives ruined over these accusations because they CAN be life ruining. Evidenced by problems from years ago being dug up now and brought up again.

I will say this once more; Please do not harass CyberAxolotl, PikaPikaFlower, or VinnieCervine. they are people too, they have made mistakes, but they are growing from their pasts and i want them to be happy and safe.

[3liza]

talking about flters and real beauty vs fake beauty and cultural standards etc always makes me think about all the victorian and edwardian novels i read, where the things that people thought about beauty were recorded at length. recently ive been reading a lot of Thomas Hardy (best known for Tess of the D’Urbervilles and Jude the Obscure) and there’s so much discussion of the beauty of people, particularly love interests, both men and women. and these writers, and their eras, and the culture of the eras, was of course obsessed with beauty and youth and also artificial beauty (being the eras of the really transformative corsets, not to mention some of the earliest industrialized or modernized beauty products or processes), as all human societies are to a greater or lesser extent in their own ways, but the thing that sticks out to me in reading these books is how beauty is not the singular or even the most important aspect of a person’s overall attraction. if someone has a beautiful face or figure, it is mentioned, but never to the obsessive, fixated extent that physical beauty is isolated from and elevated over all other features in modern american/western culture. there are plenty of protagonists or love interests in these books who are described as not young, or not remarkable, or not pretty, or even ugly or frightening, but nevertheless compellingly sexy and attractive, or simply interesting, or worthy in some way. 

its weird that the cultural consciousness has become seemingly ignorant of non-physical attraction. like that anon that was in my inbox talking about how they were “normal looking’ and therefore “needed” filters in order to “compete” with attractive people. it’s a weirdly mercenary and capitalist view of the social economy, first of all, which absolutely is not zero-sum no matter how badly the social networks want to convince us that it is. but there was never a single mention from that person about their ability to charm or entertain or attract using anything except a fake photo of themselves. wild. im fuckin worried about them! im worried about every young person how has brain worms

when i was about 4 and starting to become aware of how much adults were obsessed with my appearance because i was dainty and blonde and could do a passable shirley temple imitation, my parents gave me a very serious lecture about what physical beauty actually meant: i didn’t work for it (yet, i mean i do a lot of work now as an adult), it was given to me genetically. and someday, maybe sooner or more suddenly than anyone could predict, it would be gone. if accident, illness, or hardship didnt get me, old age eventually would. so with that being a certainty, i had better build a life and a personality on something other than my looks. and i said, ok. every day i get older im more grateful for that advice and the fact i decided to take it to heart instead of trying to gamble on Being Hot for long enough to get job security. which is also a valid career choice but it’s a risky one. always better to have a fallback just in case.

im of an age rn where a lot of women in my peer group are starting to get a very hunted vibe about the impending end of their youth, which is valid. theres nothing foolish about it, its not their fault, theyre not stupid or somehow lacking because this is an issue in their lives. but im noticing that i am significantly less freaked out by, idk, how long ago the 90s were or whatever, because i have been expecting to get old since i was in kindergarten. and i had adults around me who were just like “hey this is what old people look like and what bodies do over time. its not a big deal. everything on tv is fake btw”. i didnt get out unscathed, ive had eating disorders and all sort of weird brain-body problems. 

my advice i guess if i have any is to go outside and really look around you. notice how almost every single woman, and most men, has at least some cellulite, even if its just when theyre sitting down or whatever. notice how everyone has blemishes and zits. most people have some dandruff. if someone is wearing makeup, it’ll be cakey or balled up or smeared or uneven or clumpy even if it’s just a bit. everyone over the age of about 20 will have stretch marks somewhere, even if they aren’t visible except in certain light. i was under the impression i didnt have many until one time seeing a picture of my butt in FULL natural light and finally saw the entire surface of both cheeks was covered in straitions, they just were hard to see most of the time because im the color of drywall and scars tend to be light. it’s really easy to spot hair extensions and wigs and fake nails and fake tans and shapewear once you figure out how to see it. and none of these things take away from someone’s character. 

there’s a strong argument to be made that when corsetry was the norm, no woman was expected to simply be the shape of the corset unless she was actually wearing it. photographs and drawings of women in the 19th and early 20th century were retouched a bit as all photos have been, yes, but they were not retouched to make naked women appear to be corset-shaped. THAT is new. people are now getting surgery to be corset-shaped. and like, i dont think anyone should not be able to look however they want if they want to have that surgery. that is one meaning of cyborg feminism, probably. what i dont want, is for anyone to ever think that’s a normal way to look (except for veryvery tiny mathematical outliers, the Barbie Hips Georg of instagram) WITHOUT surgery or shapewear. which i see a lot now. i saw an instagram fashion designer with a very obviously surgically-altered body answer a question in her inbox about how she maintained her figure with some nonsense about diet and exercise. so now some (probably young) person out there is thinking that if they just do intermittent fasting enough, theyll look like a woman with butt and boob implants, a BBL, fillers, etc. that person probably thinks that if they arent able to diet and exercise good enough, they will fail at looking that way through their own laziness and lack of work ethic or whatever. i see that mindset constantly, especially in young women.

the surgery isnt the issue. the look itself isnt the issue. the filters themselves arent the issue. the issue is that on none of these images, is there an indication of what has been changed or how. the brain damage effect of filters would be lessened, i think, if everyone KNEW which images had been altered and how. so maybe thats the answer? mandatory labeling? i dont know. what’s terrifying is that the average adult human in america cant tell from a glance what has been altered in a photograph, no matter how clumsily, because they simply dont have a template for what a real human looks like anymore. the false images have supplanted the real images, the actual memories of alive humans that you know and have met or lived with. 

if you go into any of the shittier men’s spaces online you will find threads for posting pictures of “beautiful girls”, and it is page after page after page of teenagers in full makeup, hair extensions or wigs, circle lenses, facetuned, bodytuned, surgery, etc, and then hundreds of men yearning and fanning themselves over her “natural beauty”. dont go looking for this stuff, it will permanently fuck you up to know what a basic guy on the bus is thinking about women every day. dont do it

but i also seriously predict a backlash into “natural” looks after this current madness, similarly to how the 1960s saw the rise of the hippie girl with swingin titties, pit hair and no high heels after the consumer beauty madness of the 50s. of course the 60s beauty ideals were in some ways just as fake, but there was some authentic yearning towards a freedom from capitalist bodies as well. so when that happens send me $20: paypal.me/3liza. should be in like the next 4 years or so. thanks