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kookochan · 1 month ago

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Messy Thoughts

Loving someone is scary sometimes. You think about every possibility that could happen, and the worst part is that it's making you feel like you're falling apart.

Summary: your fiancé decided to become a pro at boxing, but will your fears give you peace? +18

boxer Jungkook x fem! student reader

warnings/content: a little angst, smut (oral sex m receiving) , mention of blood and bruises, overthinking, jealousy, childhood trauma (violence, loss of a parent) and ghosting (?)

wc: 5,2K

── .✦

Days ago you were swearing to God that you wouldn't be here. You said you won't come to watch him and that you won't help him if he gets hurt. But here you are, sitting in a corner of the room and watching him. You think back at the time when you thought your life could change. Today you're sure that it was a lie. Not even a dream.

You can remember your 10th birthday, where you were sitting in your room and counting the seconds. Praying that your mother would survive the night while your father was beating her up. That wasn't the perfect birthday you imagined. But when your friends asked about it, you would say that it was perfect. That you got a lot of new dolls and plushies. A big cake that your parents baked for you.

Years went by with a hope that one day everything would change. The day your mother died, you couldn't even cry about the loss. In a twisted way, you were happy that she wasn't suffering anymore. It was a big loss for your father, who needed a new person to let out his stress. And there was you. In his eyes, a perfect copy of your mother.

You were different than your mother. She wouldn't talk back to him or fight him back. But you would yell at him every time he was yelling. You would weakly try to push him back when he tried to hit you. He wouldn't like that.

In your 17 years of living, you couldn't see the world in colors. There was no reason to hold on, and every other day you stopped dreaming of a new life. Till the day you met Jungkook. You were classmates, and the relationship started with being friends. And yes, you quickly caught feelings for him, which he returned with all of his heart.

You would climb up his window at night. Just for him to hold you and clean your wounds. He promised you that he will do everything to change your life. You would cry in his arms without realizing that he is crying too. He was the reason that you found your smile back.

When you turned 18, he proposed to move out with him. There wasn't a lot to think about. His family has a wealthy background, so they supported him with money. It wasn't jealousy, but you adored his family situation. They were truly lucky and loved. Moving out was a big step to your new life. You have lost contact with your father. He wasn't pleased about the idea of losing you, but you never listened to him.

And now you're 24 years old and he is 25. In the meantime, you got engaged, and you can't imagine a day without him. Your love grew stronger, and he became your favorite person in the world. But today you hate him for his decision. He is standing in the middle of the boxing ring. You can only see his eyes.

You take the room in. His opponent doesn't look like he is in the same weight class as him. Also, he is famous as the boxing beast. You're scared that this will be Jungkook's last match.

"You don't want to accept this offer, do you?" you ask him in shock. "Baby, I would get a lot of money, and also my status would change," he says and quickly grabs your hands to avoid you from walking away. You chuckle at him. "You can get hurt really bad, Jungkook. Don't you remember the match months ago? You needed to stay hospitalized because of your stupid decision." You can see that he is not liking the reminder.

"I know that you think about me, and I really appreciate it. But taking a risk is a part of my job," he says and places a kiss on your jaw. "I don't like where this conversation is going. You're not asking me, right? You made your mind, and you're just telling me," you say as you pull away from his hold. He quickly whines at the loss of contact. "I don't want to lie. I already accepted it and just need to sign. I promise you that I will be fine," he says with honesty. You make a pause before talking. "Okay, do what you want, and I swear to God, I will not come watching you," you say your final word and walk to the bathroom.

Sometimes you forget that he is a lot more stubborn than you. He signed that contract, and now you wait for the final round. The match was exciting for the audience. They were cheering along or screaming if they got angry.

The last match begins, and you shut your eyes. You don't want to see him get hurt. You have already seen the blood on his face, and it's enough. After some minutes, the round is over, and you're genuinely surprised that he won.

Jungkook's eyes are searching for you. He is happy that he won but also broken that he is standing here without your support. His eyes find you, and he smiles. "We need to go back," Namjoon says and pulls him away. "She came," he tells him happily. Namjoon turns to him. "She texted me yesterday and asked about today. Did you really think she wouldn't be here?" Jungkook grins at the information because, no, he really thought you wouldn't come. After all, you slept with your back facing him. He was so sad about it.

"Look at your ugly face," Jin says and starts cleaning the mess. "Woah, stop being so harsh," Jungkook says and starts pouting. Jin ignores him and goes on. You watch them from the door with a straight face. Of course you're happy that he was right at the end of the day, but that doesn't mean that you're happy with his decision. Your eyes wander from his head to his toes. He looks hot like this, but no, you can't melt.

Jungkook opens his eyes and meets yours. "Baby?!" he says with a smile. You feel your knees getting weak. "Hello, guys," you say to the others. Jin and Namjoon greet you back with a soft smile. You can see Jungkook frown, and you raise a brow at him. Poor man looks like he lost his whole career.

"Yn! Nice to see you, princess," Tae says and hugs you from the side. You smile at him and hug him back. "Nice to see you too. How are you?" you ask him. So you start a conversation with him. Jin looks at Jungkook's sad expression and says, "Come on, man, loosen up a bit. You can talk to her later." Jungkook nods to him and thinks of ways to get your attention.

•

You walk out of your bathroom with ointment and a towel. Jungkook took a shower before you and already sits on the large couch watching a show. You walk towards him, and his head turns towards you. He watches as you stand in front of him with wet hair. He doesn't waste time and holds your waist while looking into your eyes. You can't describe how cute he looks like this.

You sit down on his lap and start to treat his bruises on his face. He watches your hands doing their magic. "Are you still mad at me?" he asks softly. You sigh and pat his face with the damp towel. When you're sure that your job is done, you place everything on your side. "I am," you say with a pout. He brushes your hair with his fingers. "I'm sorry, baby. I don't want to make you worried," he says. You nod at him, "I know, and I also know that we talked about it a lot. I'm just scared."

He starts kissing your neck and shoulder. "I promise you that I will be fine and that I won't get hurt," he says. His fingers already started moving on your back. "That is an empty promise, Jungkook. You know that you can't control it," you say, tilting your head. He smiles at you, "I know, but I will do everything to hold my promise." You hug him tightly and think about all of this.

Jungkook knows that you're thinking a lot about his job. To be exact, since the day he told you that he wants to do it professionally. Boxing was his hobby, but he always dreamt of a big career. He started 2 years ago and is already ranked high. But he wants more; he is competitive. Sometimes you wish that he would return to his studies, but you know that's just selfish.

"How was your day?" he asks genuinely. "I skipped class. And I need to study for my exam next week. It's about Hamlet by Shakespeare," you answer. He pats your head. "You're always doing great, baby. Don't stress yourself too much," he says. You place a soft kiss on his neck. The little gesture causes goosebumps on his body.

"I missed you the whole night," he says with a pout on his face. You move back a little to look at him. "What? I was sleeping next to you." "You turned your back on me! I was so sad," he says with big eyes. You tilt your head and say, "You're so dramatic. But I know how to get your heart back." He watches as you move your hand over his chest, stopping at the waistband of his sweatpants.

You stand up from his lap to drop on your knees in front of him. His eyes darken immediately, and he starts playing with your hair. You waste no time in pulling his sweatpants down with his boxers. Before you can touch him, he stops you by holding your hand. He bends down to pull the carpet under your knees. "Get on it; you will hurt your knees." And this little gesture shows you once more why you love him.

When you're comfortable in the position, you start to touch his already hardened dick. He leans back at the sensation and watches your moves with half-lidded eyes. You start with little kitten licks before taking him into your mouth. He moans your name, and his hand quickly finds your hair. You've been dating him for longer than seven years, but you're still not used to his size. You bob your head the way you know he loves.

"You look so pretty, baby," he says while watching your already glassy eyes. He can't control himself and tightens his grip on your hair. "Relax your throat a little," he says and starts moving his hips at your pace. You place your hands on his thighs and tap him as a signal that he can take control. He catches the instruction quickly and takes control. "Such a good girl for me," he hisses. His pace quickens, and you moan at that. "Fuck," he says as he feels the vibration. It doesn't take him long to feel the heat rushing.

"I will come, baby," he says and tries to pull away. But you squeeze his free hand to let him know it's fine. He throws his head back, and you feel thick ropes filling your mouth. When he came down from his high, you slightly pulled away and swallowed his seed down. You laugh at his blown-out face and tug him back in his boxers and sweatpants.

"I love you," he says while smiling at you with those dangerous sparkling eyes. "I love you too," you say before standing up. "I want to thank you for this," he says and holds one of your legs so that you can't walk away. "You can thank me later. You need to rest and get more energy," you say. He pouts at that, but he knows that there is no chance of convincing you.

When you both lie down in bed, you're fast asleep. But some unshared things are holding him back from falling asleep. He looks at you with guilt bubbling in his stomach.

•

You highlight the last word and look at the whole page. "Fuck, I nearly highlighted the whole page," you say to yourself. Chemistry is your most hated subject, but you need to do this course for this semester. You already finished uni two hours ago, and now you're sitting at your part-time job. A little cafe on a busy street, but right now it's not that crowded. Enough time to study behind the desk.

"Hi princess! What's up?" You hear a familiar voice. You look up to see Tae and Namjoon waving at you. "Hii, I'm doing good, and you?" you ask and start doing their usual order. "It's a little stressful these days. You know all the booking and organization," he says, leaning on one of his arms. You nod at his words. "That sounds stressful. Where are you going?" you ask interestedly and hand him his coffee before preparing Namjoon's matcha.

"He is talking about the tour with Jungkook," Namjoon says. You freeze for a moment. 'Which tour?'. But if you ask that way, they will know that you have no information about it. "Oh, okay! Tell me about the exact plan, please. Jungkook was too lazy to explain it to me," you lie. I got you! So first we fly to London for two days. There will be the first match. And then we will fly to Paris for the second match. We planned to stay for two days. At least we will fly to Tokyo for the last match. It's not clear how long we will stay because if he wins all of them, we want to celebrate. Also, we're going in such a big group; a little party wouldn't be bad, right? And sorry for Nari coming too; she will be filming everything," he says a little guilty about the last part.

For understanding, you hate Nari. And everyone knows that. She had a crush on Jungkook, and after finding out that you both dated, she continued to drool over him. And she is going with Jungkook? You are seconds away from breaking everything near you. But instead you hand Namjoon his matcha. You want to tell Tae that everything is fine because you're not even invited by your boyfriend (fiancé).

"That sounds like a plan," you say and smile at him. He looks worried that you skipped the part with Nari, but he doesn't comment on it. "Let's talk about it later. We need to go," he says and lends you his card. "Nah, you don't need to pay," you say and push his hand away. He tries anyway and gives up when other customers walk in. You wave at both of them and continue to work. The topic is still heavy in your head.

•

You close your textbook after taking some notes for your upcoming exam. Sitting on the floor was a bad idea; your back hurts like hell. You lean against the couch and watch the raindrops fall from the window. Why would he not tell you about something this big? Are you making him feel bad about his job? Did you already grow apart? All these thoughts are making you tear up.

At the other end of the room, you hear Jungkook happily preparing dinner. He told you that you worked hard today and needed some good food. You look down at your engagement ring and play with it. "Baby food is done," he announces, and you walk to the table. You start eating without saying a word. The fact that he cooked your favorite meal is crashing you down, and you feel too many emotions.

He watches as you quietly eat your food. He knows something is off, but he doesn't want to push you to tell him. He knows that you need your space sometimes, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't worry about you. And then he remembers something that he needs to tell you. But he is scared of your reaction, so he delays it for tomorrow.

You finish your plate and smile at him, "Thank you, baby, it was delicious." He smiles back at you, but you wait for him to tell you what you already know, but nothing is coming out of his mouth. So you stand up and make your way to the kitchen. He follows you like a lost puppy. "I will do the dishes. You can start with your bed routine," he says and places a kiss on your cheek. You nod at him and walk away.

When you both finally lie in bed, you watch him do sketches on his iPad. You wonder why it's so hard for him to tell you about next week. But you will give him a chance in the morning. You're positive that he would tell you at breakfast. Maybe he didn't say anything tonight because he thought that you were tired enough. You close your eyes and fall asleep quickly.

Jungkook looks at the clock and realizes that he has already worked on his project for over two hours. His eyes wander at your face only to realize that you're crying in your sleep. He quickly puts his iPad on the nightstand, and by that time, you start to shake. Your hands weakly gripping the duvet. He softly calls your name in hope that you would wake up. But you open your eyes and quickly sit up.

He worriedly watches the way you look around. You don't even notice his presence. Dreaming about your dad was nothing new, but dreaming about your dad and Nari was a nightmare. You place your hand on your chest, crying even harder. Then you feel Jungkook's soft touch, but you can't hear what he is saying. He hugs you tightly and places kisses on your hair.

"All good, baby, you're here with me and safe," you finally hear him say. When you hold his hand, you feel the missing ring. You look down to confirm that you're tripping right now, but you're not. Jungkook gently wipes your tears without noticing what you just discovered.

You slightly pull away, and your heart breaks again when you see him smile with those eyes. "Where is your ring?" you ask him. His smile drops, and you can see that he feels bad about it. "I think I forgot it when I was training. But I swear I will look for it tomorrow!" he explains while moving his hands around.

"Maybe it's fate that you lost it," you say too quickly. "What?" he asks, and you can feel that he is scared. You lay back down, already regretting the words that you said. This bed feels too much for you right now; everything feels too much. You want to go out and breathe the fresh air. But your body betrays you, and you start crying again.

Jungkook is watching your movements, his heart beating faster than before. He doesn't want to know the meaning of your words. His hands find yours, and he is scared. "Baby, talk to me. What's wrong?" he asks gently. He knew that you would be mad at him for losing his ring. But he is sure that it's in the locker room.

You pull your hand away and cover your face with both hands. It's too much to talk about right now, but you know he wouldn't leave it at that. When you calmed down a bit, you sat up and looked at him. He is already playing with his lip ring. A habit that he has when he's stressed.

"Why didn't you tell me about the tour?" you ask him right away. He blinks a few times, not ready for the question. "I wanted to tell you and ask you to come with me, but I needed a better time. You know we argued about the last match that I had. I don't want to argue with you, love," he says. You nod and ask him, "Am I giving you weird feelings about your job?"

"No, baby, you never make me feel weird. I know that you're just worried about me. And I understand that," he says and strokes your hair. "You're lying, Jungkook. You would tell me everything about this fucking tour if you didn't doubt anything. And it's not only the tour! You're going with Nari! I don't like it!" you say while new tears are welling up in your eyes.

He looks down for a bit. You know that he doesn't know what to say. "I'm sorry that I made you feel like you need a perfect time to tell me about your job, Jungkook. That was never my intention. I'm just scared of losing you. You're everything to me, and I can't imagine a single day without you. But I'm also mad that you didn't talk to me about the doubts in your head. You could've asked me why I feel this way, or I don't know. I never thought that we would have this conversation," you add.

He looks up at you. "I know that you don't like the idea of me becoming a pro at boxing. But I thought about it a lot. It's my dream, yes, but you're also a part of it. I don't want you to think that I have any doubts. I swear I wanted to talk to you about it, but I needed more time and good timing. I would never leave without you, by the way! I already told everyone that you're coming with me," he says. You look at his eyes and smile. "I hate Nari," you say and pout. He laughs at you and messes with your hair.

"Are you mad at me?" he asks. And you don't want to lie, so you nod. He places a kiss next to your lips. "I'm sorry, baby. I never wanted you to feel this way." You pat his head. "I love you, and I would do so much for you. I'm just scared that I'm not showing you enough," you say. But he quickly denies. "No baby. You're doing a lot for me, and I feel how much you love me. Please stop thinking that, okay?" he asks. You kiss his cheek and nod again.

"Now let's sleep a little longer; you need to wake up in some hours," he says and moves so that you're lying down. You place your head on his chest and close your eyes. Your heart feels a lot lighter.

•

One week later, and you're sitting with your friend. Lia invited you over, and you're doing a girls night. You talked again with Jungkook the next day after the night, and both of you made up quickly. He planned that you would travel with him, but due to your schedule, you will only fly to Tokyo. Jungkook was really sad about it, but he knows that you can't do anything about it; exams are exams. He also luckily found his ring back. The two of you are texting and calling each other every time.

"This bitch Nari is giving me a headache. She is with every single one of them," Lia says with frustration. She has a big crush on Namjoon, but she is way too shy to talk to him. You laugh at her, "Don't worry, she only has eyes for Jungkook," you add. "Oh, I can see that," Lia says, and your eyes snap to her.

"What do you mean?" you ask. And she only shows a picture that Jimin posted in his story. They're all sitting at a table, and you can see that Nari is talking to Jungkook. The weird part is that he is laughing at something she said. "Why is he so good-looking, omg!" you say and lay back down on the floor. "I mean, we know Jungkook. He is just kind, so don't worry; she probably didn't say something that funny," she says. "I know, but I don't want him to smile at her so cutely!" you whine.

"I told Jimin to write down all the tea. I hope he is not forgetting about it," Lia tells you. You sit up and drink from your beer. "I miss my baby," you say. Lia looks at you with a sad face. "You will see him next week. That will be over quickly," she assures you.

•

Back at home, you patiently wait for Jungkook's call. You need to tell him good luck before his match begins. When the familiar ringing disturbs your quiet room, you quickly grab your phone and answer it.

"Baby, I missed you!" you tell him. "I missed you too! How are you?" he asks with a big smile. "I'm good, but what about you? Are you nervous?" you ask him. He is walking around his room. "I am a little. But I know that seeing your face will give me luck," he says while winking at you. You giggle at his playfulness. "I wish you luck, love. You will do great. Be careful, okay?" He nods. "I will," he answers.

You hear some voices in the background, and Jungkook's attention is shifting to someone else. It's the perfect opportunity to watch him. "Baby, I need to go. I will call you after the match, okay?" he says. "Okay! I love you," you tell him, and the call ends. You can't wait to be finally there with him.

He called you after his match to celebrate his win. Also, he called you in Paris, but before his flight to Tokyo, he couldn't reach you. His calls automatically went to voicemail.

•

"Maybe her phone broke down or something like that, bro. Don't worry," Jimin says. "It's been a day, Jimin. She would call me from Lia's phone or ask a neighbor. I need to fly back home," he says while pulling his hair. "Look, first we will go to the hotel, and then we can call Lia. Maybe she knows where she is. I don't think that she disappeared like that," Hobi tells him.

"Or maybe you did something really bad and she blocked you. Maybe even moved out by the time you come back?" Jin wonders. Everyone turned towards him in disbelief. "You really think this is the right time to joke?" Namjoon asks. Jin just shrugs his shoulders. While on the way to the hotel, Jungkook tries to call you again and again, but there are no answers.

"Even Lia doesn't know where she is," Jungkook says. He is seconds away from passing out. In every scenario he is going through, you are lying on the ground with blood everywhere. Maybe he is a little overdramatic, but it could be true, right? No, he prays that he is just sick.

"I don't even see a point in checking in!" he says, and his voice is already louder than before. "Omg Jungkook, calm down. If something happened to her, you would be late anyway," Nari says with annoyance. Jungkook turns around to look at her. "I don't remember that I talked to you," he snaps. Jimin laughs at that but stops when Jungkook looks at him. "Let's go to the room, and then you can look for flights back to Seoul, okay?" Namjoon says.

Jungkook walks to his room, which is bigger than the ones in London and Paris. His mind is going wild every second that he is still here. When he opens the door to his room, he falls on his knees in disbelief. You're standing right in front of him with a big smile. "Baby, you did so well! I watched everything!" you say. And then you tilt your head to the side. "Why are you sitting there on the floor?"

"Baby, are you serious? I was so worried! Why would you ghost me?" he says with a frown. You laugh at his cute face. "Oh, come on! I wanted to surprise you. Get up and come here. I ordered a cake. Your favorite with strawberries," you tell him. He jumps on his feet and hugs you from behind. You feed him one spoon of the cake. He groans at the sensation. At the same time, he kisses your neck and shoulder. "You're so greedy," you tell him while putting your hand above his on your tummy. "Only when it's you," he says and eats the rest of the slice.

•

After a quick shower, you join him on the couch. "How is your nose?" you ask. He looks at you with guilt. "I told Jimin to give me updates about you. And you really thought I wouldn't know about your bruised nose?" "It doesn't hurt anymore," he says softly. You kiss him on the cheek. "Be careful tomorrow," you say and lean against his arm. He wraps his arm around you and watches his favorite movie.

"Lay on your stomach. I will give you a good massage," you say. He smiles and lays down the way you told him. With every movement of your hands, he groans. "You have magic hands, baby," he says, and you can literally feel his body relaxing under your touch.

•

"I'm so excited!" you tell Tae, who is standing next to you. "Me too, princess. Are you mad at me that I chose Nari as the camera guy?" he asks. This question was on his mind for a long time. "No, I'm not. Oh my god, did you think that the whole time?" you ask in disbelief. He shyly nods. "Yeah, I know how she is and that you don't like her. I don't like her too, by the way, but she was the only one available for this time." You pat his arm. "All good really. And it's good that you don't like her. We need a tea session back home." He laughs at that and winks.

When the match starts, you cheer for Jungkook, and you can't deny that he looks hot. Every time he is sitting in his corner for a little break, you can see how passionate he is about this. And it breaks your heart that you had some arguments about his job. You love him, and he loves you. That should be the only thing that matters.

Besides that, you're also thinking about boxing because the way Nari is touching him makes you see red. At the same moment, Jungkook's eyes find yours, and they sparkle. You send him a flying kiss, and he acts like he is catching it.

It's not a big surprise that he won this one too. His face was a little red from all the attacks that he couldn't dodge. You're happy and proud at the same time. You know that winning every single match on this tour will help him with new contracts.

Back at the hotel, you celebrate together. Everyone is drinking and laughing about some stories. Jungkook's hand is on your thigh the whole night, and you always think about what you did in your last life to be this lucky to have him. Every time he looked at you, you could feel the warmth of his pure love.

Your only wish is that he will be safe and healthy. He would, right?

Authors note:

Thank you for reading! I hope you liked it. Feel free to share your thoughts with me <3 lots of love

#kookochan #jungkook #jeon jungkook #jungkook drabble #jungkook scenarios #jungkook oneshot #jungkook au #jungkook x reader #jungkook x you #jungkook fluff #jungkook angst #jungkook smut #jungkook fic #jungkook fanfic #bts #bts au #bts x reader

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itsgrimeytime · 1 year ago

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like father, like son || Rick Grimes (TWD) x gn!Reader

AVAILABLE ON AO3

request for @zomb-1-egutzz

Inspiration: I Wanna Be Yours by Arctic Monkeys

Summary: Taking care of Carl, was like instinct. Ever since you've met him, you've just cared for him like your own. You don't know why, you just slotted into his side. And you thought that was pretty simple. But, what you had never thought about, was what it would mean for Rick.

TWs: mention of Lori's death, mention of Hershel's death, mention of Beth's death, angst, crying, essentially a panic attack, pent-up emotions, cursing, blood, gunshot wounds, injuries, unrequited love (but not really), and all things TWD.

[[A/N: hey bestie <333, hope you like it. I write as a stress reliever but this one kinda hurt a little bit. And just fyi, Carl is alive and well, (canon is not real, so it will not hurt me). Also, Rick is down bad in this. Terribly down bad. Enjoy :))) ]]

You were a long-time family friend of the Greene's, and when you had nowhere else to go, you went to Hershel's farm. Even before the apocalypse, you helped when you could on the farm, and you knew all of them really well. A little like they were family.

But when it all started... everything went to shit for you pretty quickly.

And you... you had nowhere else to go.

With your family's blood on your hands and visions of unhinged jaws (that you didn't think you'd ever wash away), you ran as fast as you could. You just let your feet guide you and ended up on the Greene farm.

You still remember how hard they hugged you when you showed up, even with the blood (their blood) all over you. They held you then and kept you breathing for a long time. You don't know what you would've done without them.

But one day (after weeks of being helpless and grieving a loss you just couldn't get over, not really), you just pushed it all down with one motto: keep breathing.

You didn't get to enjoy life anymore, how could you? The world was ending, and all you needed to do was stay alive.

You didn't have to like it.

So you asked Hershel how to shoot a gun, and taught yourself how to use a knife. You knew Hershel didn't like it, the violence, but you wouldn't hear it. Because if your family had lost their lives, you sure as hell weren't losing yours.

The Greenes were worried about you, you could tell. Every day that went by where you didn't smile or laugh, and instead, practiced shooting bottles or killing a few walkers for the thrill of it, they stared at you just a little longer. With just a mix of worry and pity.

You didn't want to worry them, but you were just doing what you had to, to survive.

If you thought about your family... you'd probably run into the walkers. Tear the life out of your body yourself. How were you supposed to enjoy life when they got that privilege ripped away? It wasn't fair.

So, you avoided everything else and kept your focus on five things: breathing, shelter, protection, water, and food. That was it. You would even offer to go get things out of your own volition, and all your trips made you good at killing walkers. You did it effortlessly early on, and you're pretty sure the Greenes couldn't decide if that was a good or bad thing.

But everything changed when a Dad showed up begging Hershel to save his kid.

That day had made your head spin, seeing a little boy have a gunshot wound. It made your eyes burn, and your head fill with what plagued your nightmares (unhinged jaws and bloody hands). You avoided the kid at all costs.

You hadn't initially known Rick, or even really wanted to (him, Lori, and Shane were definitely far too much for you to handle) but you were kind of the mediator. Hershel hated the violence that his group had, but he loved you. And Rick's group agreed with your 'violent' ways, so naturally, you sat right in the middle.

You didn't want it, perse, but you got used to it pretty quickly. You truly couldn't count on both hands how many times you had to step physically in between Hershel and Rick. So, somehow, someway, you'd earned his trust and respect.

That being said, you didn't really talk. Rick had a lot on his shoulders, with a pregnant wife, an injured son, and whatever the hell he and Shane had going on (you stayed the fuck away from that). And you weren't really a 'get to know me' kind of person at the time.

But, everything shifted when his kid got better.

You watched him kind of roam around the farm a lot. Rick and Lori had a lot going on, you understood that, and you know Rick tried but he still looked... lonely. And there was something heavy in you that knew he wasn't going to really have a childhood, that he lost something so precious.

There was nothing different that day, at all. You woke up, made sure your knife was safe in your pocket and went out. You did that often, even though Hershel and the girls hated it, just disappeared into nearby neighborhoods or whatever buildings you could get into (you were getting good at picking locks). That day you were looking for anything you could get your hands on, anything.

Endlessly walking through a culdesac, darting in between each house, trying to find anything of value. Food, water, something to help with shelter-

Instead, you found something else.

In the dead grass of one of these classy houses' front yard was one soccer ball. It was dirty, but not too bad for the apocalypse (you had seen far worse, and were probably worse yourself actually). With a thought, you picked it up in your hands, squeezing it, and it wasn't flat either.

You weren't sure why (or maybe you knew exactly why), but that's all you brought back to the farm.

Every day, when your brain would get to be too much, you'd throw it around in your hands or dribble it around the yard. At first, Maggie had looked at you oddly, but now, it seemed to relax her (and Beth and Hershel). It was healthier, or they, at the very least, thought so.

You could pretty much immediately feel his eyes on you though, a little longingly. Maybe that's why, when you'd never kicked it too far in the entire time you had it, you kicked it too far.

It rolled up and hit him in the back of the leg.

He turned to look at you, blue eyes sparkling a little, and then down at the ball.

On instinct, you spoke, "Shit."

The kid looked directly at you then.

"Don't say that, kid," you mended, quickly -maybe even a little awkwardly.

"Carl," he spoke then.

You questioned, "What?"

"My name's Carl," he explained with quite the intention in his voice, "-not kid."

You laughed a little, maybe for the first time in a while. You could nearly hear Maggie's gaze snap to you at the sound. She was always the most worried.

"Well, Carl," you hummed, playfully, "-you gonna pass me my ball back?"

He pressed his lips together in a thin line like he was thinking -the hat on his head wobbled a little. It was endearing.

"Only if you let me play too," he negotiated, a big grin on his face and something in you softened (for the first time in a long time).

You tilted your head, hand on your hip, "You drive a hard bargain, sir."

Carl laughed, and you felt your smile grow bigger. Now, you felt more eyes on you, Rick and Lori. Or at least Rick.

Apparently, you were making quite the spectacle.

"Alright, Carl," you finally replied, "-you've got a deal."

That was when it all started when Carl changed your life. Every day that you could, you'd play a game of soccer with him, eventually it developed more into a chatty sort of game. He told you a lot, and you told him about the things you used to do as a kid.

It felt like you had a hand in helping him keep his innocence. It was nice.

You remember the eyes sort of fading off of you, well. Except for one.

Rick was always watching. You couldn't understand if it was a Carl thing, or a worrying thing, or what exactly. But, you did notice it.

And eventually, Carl convinced him to join too.

"C'mon, Dad," he pleaded, "-just one game."

"Carl, I gotta-"

"Please," he turned on the puppy dog eyes, you laughed a little at how he softened immediately. His eyes shot to yours a second at the noise, you didn't think much of it.

"How are we supposed to play wit' just three of us?" He relented, just a smidge, "-Don't we need equal teams?"

Carl frowned.

Your mouth was open before you could even stop it, "Oh, please, I'm good enough to take the two of you on my own."

Rick's lips quirked into a smile, you had the thought that he was handsome before shoving it far away, "Are ya?"

"I am," you reiterated, just doing what felt natural, "-you too scared to try, Grimes?"

Carl laughed at that, almost giddy, it made something in your chest warm. Mission accomplished.

And with a breath, Rick readied himself -blue eyes solid on yours, "'S see whatcha got, Y/N."

That wouldn't be the last time the three of you would play soccer together, but it would be the first time you really got to know Rick. It remained that way, where you just played with Rick and Carl on days they could or days you could.

You'd found a connection, and it was nice.

But then, you were kind of a friend to Carl. You truly cared about him, yeah, you weren't on the level of a parent for him. Not at all. That just wasn't your dynamic, you didn't want to step on any toes.

Lori's or Rick's.

Before you could stop it, the fateful day arrived.

You were strung between a delicate mix of concern and disbelief. The overthrow of the farm was big, and maybe so was finding the prison, but this... this day was much worse.

You'd known Lori a little bit better then, she talked to you a little (because you were always around Carl). And she seemed nice, really, just in a fucked up situation that she could hardly handle herself. Nevertheless, to handle it for Carl. Plus, the whole Shane situation... He was dead now, and that really couldn't be easy on her conscience. (You kind of gathered the situation a little bit, when you were getting to know Rick. He hadn't said anything, but you understood enough.)

And when she went into labor, you hated that you weren't hopeful. Hated it.

Carl went with Maggie to help deliver, and your heart twisted in your chest (so insanely worried) but you needed to help the others.

When Maggie came out of the room, with just Carl and the baby -blood all over her hands, your heart sunk to the bottom of your chest. Lower, if it could. There was this little spark of hope that Carl was okay, but then you looked at him, really looked at him.

Rick was crying, and belligerent, and he did the very same. Just looked at his son, "No, no, no-"

God, he... he didn't-

You don't think you could ever forget the next moment.

A sob was racking up your throat, heavy and so suffocating as you watched Rick just lose it and Carl stayed steady in place, only looking at the ground. And you felt like you were going to throw up.

Stomach twisting, as your eyes got cloudy.

You hadn't even noticed it, maybe because your mind was reeling, but then you heard the slap of footsteps and then a body running into yours. Carl, Carl-

Hands shaking, your hands wrapped around him, holding him tightly -swallowing back what you could. Your body moved on its own.

You crouched down, you couldn't stop the tears then, eyes skimming over his face. He was just looking at you, blue eyes filling with tears, and before you knew it you were cupping his face and wiping all of them away.

"Oh, baby, baby-" you were whispering, just for him to hear, "-I'm so sorry."

And then, you pulled him into another hug. That time you didn't let go, you would hold him until he did. Tears wetting your shoulder you only squeezed him tighter -kissing him on the forehead when it felt like your soul was crushed into pieces.

That was where it started.

You still went on trips, but you stayed around a lot more. Because, as you were caring for Carl, you also started caring for Rick. They went hand-in-hand. That was much more important than anything else.

It started with going on trips, and getting Carl books and candy when you could. It grew from there though, you started siphoning off some of your food to give him extra. When he would get hurt, even small little cuts, you were immediately there -patching him up. Making sure he was completely fine.

And Rick... well, he was more complicated. It was dragging him away from the farm when he seemed so tired he could barely stand, it was getting him out of bed when he didn't want to even breathe, it was making sure he was eating, and it was sometimes guiding him back to reality when he saw Lori.

He started getting better eventually, and you did convince him to go see the baby. He'd been avoiding her as much as physically possible; you told him he should.

"She's a piece of Lori that you'll always have, Rick. Her and Carl."

He'd look at you a certain type of way you couldn't label then, but eventually agreed. So, you thought it was going well. As he became more conscious again though, similar to his previous self (sometimes you thought maybe even better), he started noticing.

Rick saw all that Carl had gathered, the finger pointed back to you. He was eating candy, the finger pointed back to you. Carl fell and scraped his knees, you were near immediately by his side while Rick watched (the finger pointed back to you).

And when you ate, you'd done how you always did, almost on instinct. Siphoning off some of your food and piling it onto Carl's plate.

You're not sure when Rick caught that, at all, really. But you knew he did.

Because, eventually, he started sitting beside you, and as quick as you'd siphon off to Carl, he'd siphon some of his off to you.

The first time he'd done it, you froze -staring at your plate.

"Rick, you don't-"

He didn't even flinch, blue eyes taking you in -grateful, "I do."

"Well," you reasoned, "-don't do it every day. You need to eat too."

"Don't ya give some to Carl every day?"

"Yeah, but-"

"No buts," he promptly finished, smiling at you in a new type of way, continuing his conversation with Daryl.

He'd done similar things, and eventually, your care spanned over to Judith. It wasn't as pressing as Carl, as Beth usually had her dealt with, but you'd been the one to feed her a few times (sat right beside Carl). And you won't lie you did do the baby voice a few times.

You didn't know it then, but Rick was looking at you in a new type of way.

And then, things happened in rapid succession.

The Governor did what he did, and Hershel died right in front of your eyes. You grabbed Maggie that day so tight, holding her as you both fell to the ground. It felt just like when your family... Your heart was thrown out of your chest and stomped into the dirt.

The fall of the prison didn't give you much time to grieve. You'd escaped with Carl and Rick, Judith had disappeared and you hoped with everything in your chest that she was still alive. God, you had never felt so low in your life.

Those days weren't good, and you had holed yourself up -lock and key. The only person who could through to you was Carl, despite how much Rick tried.

Breathing, shelter, protection, water, and food, but just for a bigger audience now.

The Claimers only proved you right. Seeing Carl like that, the threats of what they were going to do to him? You would've snapped if Rick hadn't.

"He's mine."

That day, you felt yourself come back again.

You held Carl tight against your chest, rubbing his hair over and over. Just before that, you scanned his whole body carefully -looking everywhere for anything at all. You would've killed them again if you could have if there was.

Holding him, you recenter yourself -calming the shake of your hands and the beating of your heart. You whispered, "You're okay, you're okay, you're okay-"

Carl had stopped you then, leveling his blue eyes on you, "I'm okay."

You smiled, maybe a little teary, reiterating, "You're okay."

And then, you saw Rick.

That was the thing about you, you were hardwired to care for them both at this point (for maybe more reasons than one, but you wouldn't admit that out loud). Making sure Carl was entirely fine, you kissed his forehead and spoke.

"Imma go help your Dad, okay?"

Hunting down a rag and a little bit of extra water, you slowly made your way over to him. He still had his eyes closed, and his hands were shaking; you simply sat right in front of him -wordlessly. You hardly even breathed, not wanting to startle him at all, but somehow still wanting to to bring him back.

You waited, patiently, for his eyes to open again, and when they did, you smiled a little.

"Hey, Grimes," you whispered, brandishing the rag, "-Thought you might need a little help, that okay?"

He looked at you in the same type of way he always did, one that you still couldn't label.

Before speaking lowly and a little slurred in his accent, "Yeah, 'at's okay."

You took a careful breath and leaned forward -gently scrubbing the blood off of his skin. Moving slowly, his eyes fluttered shut, and something in your chest tightened. He trusted you so much.

Your heart lept into your throat at the thought, and you took the moment to just look at Rick. How he differed from the first time you saw him, the time in his face. Longer hair that curled, the stubble that climbed up his cheeks, he was so different, but still somehow the same. Your heart stuttered in your chest.

That wasn't new, but it felt like it was.

With a breath, you continued wiping away what you could -pushing all around his face, smoothing over his lips, and dabbing a little on his facial hair. You moved slowly, not wanting to irritate his skin, but it made it take a little longer. As you did so, your fingertips brushed along his skin -just a little. It made your head spin.

You leaned back, satisfied, before grabbing his hands -left one first. You looked at them a moment, eyeing the callouses and the rough skin along his palm. His life was riddled on them, practically written there.

You cleared your throat, blinking back into focus.

Scrubbing away on the back and then flipping it to the front, you repeated the process.

He was looking at you now, blue eyes intently focused. You felt his steady gaze as you curled your hands around his, and for a moment it felt like you couldn't breathe.

Your heart beating heavily in your chest, you tried to stay focused.

When his skin was a sort of pink instead of blood red, you let go of his hands. Decidedly, you patted his cheek with a smile (the buzz of his skin against yours made your head spin).

"All better," you chimed, playfully.

He laughed a little then, and you felt something in you stir. Long ago dormant. Handsome, your mind spoke.

It was suddenly very hard to ignore it now, though. This close to his face, and he kind of looked like he-

With a breath, snapping your eyes from his and clearing your throat. "I'll um, go see if Carl needs me."

He just smiled at you in a certain type of way.

The two of you never talked about it again, but you did find him looking at you more.

And then Terminus.

To think about it now, made your skin crawl and bile rise up your throat. Beth died right in front of you, shot right through the head. She wasn't... There was no way-

You felt part of yourself crumble that you didn't think you could get back. God, she was so young-

You had new nightmares; they made your stomach twist and your sleep come to a relative halt. It wasn't just your family now (although it kind of was), it was Beth and Hershel. They had both been so sudden, your mind was still reeling. The gunshot bouncing through your ears, even now, as you lay on a blanket -Carl just beside you.

Your eyes snapped to him, watching the rise and fall of his chest. Alive, it thrummed along your mind, alive.

You watched it for a few moments, letting your mind settle on that fact. Carl is safe, Carl is fine. Something in your shoulders relaxed, and your breaths weren't as heavy in your lungs.

Alive, alive, alive, alive.

Your stomach twisted because you didn't know if Judith was.

Instinctively, you shot up in your spot, breaths hollowed out in your chest. You blinked a few times, bringing yourself back to the ground beneath your fingers. Chancing a look at Carl again, you found him still fast asleep.

You exhaled a long breath, you weren't going to sleep tonight. Every time you closed your eyes, you'd either see... them or Carl could be hurt, there was no good reason to sleep.

Shaking your hands, you stood up. You stood there a moment, taking in the night -the buzz of the bugs, the shine of the stars, and the (luckily) very distant groans of the walkers.

"Ya okay?"

You startled in place, shit. Rick was on watch duty, you forgot. You tried to volunteer, but he'd refused ("'Aven't seen you sleep a second."). You weren't sure how to feel about how attentively he seemed to watch you.

You bit at your lips a second, swallowing, and wiping your hands down your legs. Your eyes were fogging up, and your throat was clogged. You felt a little like you couldn't breathe-

"Y/N?"

You blinked, deliriously, and your eyes were watery now, and it felt somehow like your lungs were filled. A bit like every breath got stuck in your throat.

"Hey, hey, look at me, sweetheart."

And then, Rick was suddenly in front of you. You hadn't even heard him move, the pounding of your heart was so loud-

With the gentlest of movements, he held your jaw, bringing your eyes to his.

"Hey," he spoke gently, concern flitting through his eyes, "-hey. 'At's goin' on?"

You swallowed, something clawing up your throat (but your heart was softer in your head now), your eyes falling to his jacket, "I just-"

"C'mon, talk to me," he hummed, bringing his eyes to yours again -something heavy in his eyes, worry.

"I just," and you felt your voice catch in your throat, you felt the tears slip out of your eyes, "-I just... I just miss them, and... and every time I close my eyes, Rick, it's just-"

His thumbs rubbed away your tears, gently moving back and forth, "I know, baby, I know. I miss 'em too."

Something in your mind noted that 'baby' was new, but you weren't focused on that. Your mind was running at 100 miles an hour, and all you could see clearly was Rick.

Your body acted on instinct, as you threw yourself into him -digging your face into his shoulder and wrapping your arms around his neck. He seemed slow to react for a moment, but carefully, his hands came to wrap around your waist.

You took a deep breath in, just smelling the woodsy smell he always seemed to carry around with him. It made the tension in your body melt, and he seemed to notice it -tightening his grip slightly.

"I gotcha," he whispered, maybe like he was a little scared to break the moment, "-'s gonna be okay, I promise."

You fell asleep on his shoulder later that night, one of his arms tight along your side. And if he shushed everyone that morning afterward (wanting to keep you close as long as possible maybe), kissing your temple whenever you stirred, looking at you a little like you were the most precious thing in the world, you'd never know.

It was easier after that. Any time you felt it all coming back up, Rick would be right there, hand smoothed along your shoulder, pushing you into his side, or brushing his hand along yours while you walked. You weren't sure if you could get used to it all.

And then, a good day came.

Judith, baby Judith was back.

You felt the sob wrack up through your throat, as you smoothed your hand over her little hair. Your breaths were shaky but you were smiling, and so were both Rick and Carl. All of you were huddled together, crying, and for a split second, it felt like maybe you were a little family.

You bit back the thought but peeked up at Rick just to find him looking right back at you. Something in your chest fluttered.

Finding Alexandria was a little like a fever dream, all of you weren't trusting it, especially since Terminus. But eventually, something in you relaxed as you watched Carl know people his age and find friends. You weren't as scared anymore.

That being said, you had your own home, but it stayed empty. You were constantly in the Grimes' house. Whether for Carl, Judith, or Rick, you were always there. And Rick didn't seem to mind at all. (Sometimes you thought he preferred it.)

That day was a normal one, you'd crossed on over to the Grimes' -bouncing a little on your toes. It was your day to watch Judith, well, it always kind of ended up being a team effort at the end. But, if Rick had something to do, you'd be on baby duty.

Walking in like you always did, the house was eerily quiet.

You pursed your lips, "Rick?"

He called out, from the kitchen you'd guessed (you could hear the sizzle of a pan), "In 'ere!"

You moved with a practiced grace, smoothing around the piles of toys like you lived here (and in essence, you kind of did). Just as you entered the doorway, you started again.

"Hey, where are our kids?"

And then you stepped into the room and got a look at Rick. Clean-shaven Rick. Sharp jawline, blue eyes, Rick.

Your mind went completely blank.

He turned to you then, sort of smiling, "Our?"

Blinking, you cleared your throat, "Sorry, what?"

"You said," he was stepping closer, something shining in his eyes, "-our kids."

It was hard to focus, but you'd gathered what he said.

"Shit, sorry," you started, scrambling a little, "-I didn't mean to-"

"No, no," he dismissed, eyes intently focused on yours (somehow you think his facial hair distracted from his eyes, were they always that blue?), "-you're right, darlin'. 'Ey are as much yours as 'ey are mine."

You took a deep breath in, deflecting a little and motioning to his face, "When did you...?"

"This mornin'," he answered, turning back to the pan (breakfast, you guessed), "-why? It look 'at bad?"

Your head was spinning, but you answered anyway.

"What, no," you answered, instinctively, "-it looks good. Great, actually."

He smiled at you in a sort of way you couldn't read, wearing his pajamas and hair slightly tussled -your mouth went dry.

"Yeah?"

You willed everything in yourself to say something witty, playful, like normal. But he was still looking at you, focused, and all your brain could think was blue-

"Yeah," you answered quietly.

He hummed a moment, hand coming up to rub at his jaw. Calloused fingers against the most certainly smooth skin, you briefly thought about touching it yourself.

You cleared your throat, "Sorry, so where are th- our kids?"

Rick's eyes smoothed over your face a second before he smiled, shaking his head, and dropped his eyes back to the pan, "Judith's still sleepin', and Carl is at a friend's."

"Which friend?" you asked, instinctively.

"He's fine, baby," he laughed a little like he was testing the word, "-ere's no need to be worried."

Baby rattled around your head for a few seconds, especially coming from that face. The last time he called you that, you were on the verge of a mental breakdown. And come to think of it, with how you were reacting to a shaved face, maybe he was onto something.

"Grimes," you leveled, but there wasn't any bite.

"I'm serious," he added, looking at you (blue, blue) -trying to convey it to you.

You pursed your lips, deadpanning, "You forgot, didn't you?"

"Maybe," he smiled at you, almost fondly, and your knees nearly buckled.

God, you needed to get a hold of yourself.

"I'll figure it out later," you remarked -passively, "-What are you making?"

He seemed to pause, eyes skimming along you like he was suddenly taking you in, before stepping to the side, "Come n' see for yourself."

You had the spare thought that he was doing it on purpose, before swatting it away and gathering by his side. Mindlessly, your brain noted his elbow bumping into you and the swarm of body heat that radiated off of him. You blinked it away.

He had a few things going, typical breakfast stuff, but you did decisively notice what looked to be a single portion of your favorite.

"Is that-"

"For ya? Yeah," he answered, unflinchingly, "-'Figured I could be sweet today."

You quipped back, looking up at him, "What a change of pace, Grimes."

He laughed at that, your eyes smoothed over his smile before dropping back to the food. Your breaths felt a little hollow in your chest for an entirely different reason.

You stood there and helped portion of the food, focused on placing plates out for him to then fill. You could feel his eyes steady on you as you did so, just until he started portioning. You promptly grabbed one of the other foods and portioned it yourself.

As soon as you finished, Rick spoke up.

"Did ya mean it?"

You looked at him, curiously, "What?"

"Our kids," he answered, something flickering behind his eyes, "-Do ya really think of 'em as your own?"

"As long as I'm not... overstepping," you clarified, dropping the pan into the sink, "-yeah, of course, I do."

He smiled a little, the flicker stronger now, "Really?"

"Well, yeah," you laughed, a little uncertain now, "-Should I not?"

"No," he echoed out, something heavy in his tone, "-you should. 'Ey're yours."

"Then, why-"

""S just nice to 'ear," he explained, pulling another one of the pans into the sink -sliding in just beside you.

"Why?" you questioned.

Rick looked at you, eyes flickering along your face, seeming to decide on something, "Can I show ya somethin'?"

You quirked a brow, playfully, "What is this something?"

"A gift," he answered, naturally.

You blinked, a little deliriously, "For me?"

"Yeah," he hummed, taking your wrist in his hand (your brain turned to mush) and guiding you through the house, "-'Course it is."

"Where did you get a gift?"

"On a run," he answered, easily, pulling you into his bedroom before letting go. He wandered over to his closet.

"Why-" you laughed a little, "-Why were you thinking of me on a run?"

Rick didn't hesitate a second, hands skimming over some shelves, "I'm always thinkin' of ya."

Your lips snapped shut, as your eyes just followed him around the room.

Since he was so preoccupied, you let your eyes roam over his jaw, the angular lines of his nose, the curve of his Adam's apple, the slight push of his lips, and the curl that seemed to trail down his forehead. You almost adjusted it yourself, but you fought back the urge.

"'Ere it is," he sighed, relieved, before seeming to gather something up in his arms.

You tried to peek over his shoulder, but he decidedly kept them too raised.

"Ya ready?" He chimed, excitingly.

You quipped, smiling, "I was born ready, Grimes."

Rick laughed at that, and you bit back the grin that threatened to slip across your face. There was something so domestic about all of this, it made your breath rattle in your chest, and your heart skip a beat.

And then, he turned around.

Your breath caught in your throat.

He held in his hands, a brand-new soccer ball, still in the package. Your brain buzzed for a moment, it was so sentimental. It made your head spin, making you a little breathless. A grin grew wide along your face, lips curling up.

"No way," you muttered, leaning forward and skimming your fingers across it, "-that is so sappy, Grimes."

He laughed a little, and your eyes flicked to him where a pink dusted up to the top of his ears. Your smile shone even brighter.

"Figured you could let me and Carl try to gain a little on your record," he smiled.

"What was it again?" you grinned, taking the ball into your hands, "-Four to zero?"

"Six," he corrected, instinctively (like he remembered), "-Six to zero."

Wordlessly, you gently took the box into your hands, his eyes steady on you.

"How long did it take to find this?"

"I was lookin' for the past few runs," he answered -vaguely.

"Looking?" You questioned, "-You plan this out, Rick?"

He hummed, smiling, "Maybe."

You quirked a brow, not quite looking at him, "What's the occasion, Grimes?"

He fell quiet then, and you promptly dropped your smile and looked at him. Eyes skimming along his face, he didn't seem upset. He seemed entirely the opposite, actually.

Blue eyes looking at you like they always did.

"Rick?" You asked, concern smoothing through you, "-Everything alright?"

He smiled a little, shaking his head a little, "God, you're... you're... you're unbelievable."

"Um," you flustered a little, holding the ball tighter to you, "-is that a good or a bad thing?"

"Good," he answered, with probably the biggest grin, "-great, it's a great thin'."

"Yeah? Well," you muttered out, a little frazzled, "-um, thank you."

He laughed a little bit, then but it slowly dissipated into the air. Leaving you and him, and his crazy blue eyes (seriously, how have you never noticed that?).

Rick spoke breathlessly then, rushed as if it was just waiting to come out (like it was building, building, building, until it burst), "I love you."

You dropped the ball (and box) right onto your feet. It stung a little.

"Shit," you hissed, before scrambling, "-Wait, that wasn't to you. I... I just I hit my toes with the box, and it hurt-"

He smiled at you even brighter then, eyes dropping to your feet, "Ya alright?"

"Yeah, what," you cleared your throat, "-I'm fine. I'm just... a little in shock, I guess."

"Yeah?" He asked, something lilting in his tone and you almost felt like he got closer to you.

"Yeah," you breathed out, "-I just... I never could've imagined a man like you, um, loving me."

He was definitely getting closer, blue eyes flickering between the two of yours, "A man like me?"

"It's a good thing," you explained, "-You're just caring, and I love your kids, and-"

His face was breath away from yours. Your lips moved before you could think about it.

"-handsome," you finished a little breathlessly.

He grinned then, crinkling at his eyes, and something there, deep in the blue. You couldn't tell if it was mischievous or loving or maybe even teasing-

"Am I?"

Something in you snapped.

You practically jumped forward, arms wrapping around his neck, and lips pressing to his. Rick laughed into it (which made you laugh a little too), but his hands sank to your waist entirely on instinct.

It was a little desperate, as Rick tilted his head just the right way and seemed to pour everything into his lips. Which were very much already good on their own. It made you dizzy, and you nearly stumbled in your steps, but he held you a little tighter and kept you in place.

Before, pulling you forward even more.

It sent a shock through your spine and made the breath slink out of your lungs.

Speaking of breath-

You pulled back, taking a deep breath in -mind a little hazy, "Jesus Christ."

Rick laughed, but still pressed forward, leaving little kisses on your lips -surface level. Again, and again, and again, and again-

Laughing, you moved your hands to his face, pulling him back, "Rick, you need to breathe, yeah?"

"Not as bad as I need ya," he retorted, before pressing kisses along your jaw.

It made your head spin, and maybe you were a little dizzy but you didn't think it was from the lack of oxygen.

"Rick," you urged, laughing.

He mindlessly moved down to your neck, a little like he couldn't get enough. It zapped through your spine again.

"Rick," you repeated, maybe with a little less laughter, "-c'mon, I have to tell you something."

He groaned, before pulling back to face you, blue eyes focused. Rick looked at your smile, and bit down his own.

You took a breath in, and cradled his face again (his skin was soft), "I love you too."

He grinned big and wide then, something shining in his eyes, "Ya don't know how long I 'ave waited to 'ear 'at."

"How long?"

He answered, with ease, "Since I saw ya givin' Carl your food."

"Rick," you almost soothed, "-that was forever ago. Why didn't you say something?"

"Was never the right time," he hummed, kissing you at the hinge of your jaw, "-I was goin' through somethin' and then ya were."

You hummed a moment, finally pushing back the loose curl.

"And I just-" he exhaled a breath, "-I wanted to make sure ya felt the same. Didn't want the kids to lose ya."

"Even if I didn't love you, Grimes," you soothed, trailing your hands along his jaw, "-They would've never lost me."

He just looked at you then, a little like he couldn't believe you were in front of him. Couldn't believe you were real.

"They're our kids," you offered with a teasing smile, "-are they not?"

"Yeah, 'ey are."

And without another breath, he kissed you so hard that it felt like your breath was knocked out of your lungs. But there was no way in hell that you were stopping.

You'd waited long enough for this.

He grinned against your lips, mindlessly kicking the soccer ball out of the way to get closer to you. Whispers of 'Ours' between every press of lips like he couldn't believe it. Or maybe like it was all he'd ever wanted.

And apparently, he had waited just as long.

#rick grimes #rick grimes x reader #its griming time #stuff n' thangs #rick grimes x you #rick grimes x y/n #ricky dicky doo dah grimes #twd #twd rick #rick grimes x y/n fanfiction #rick grimes oneshot #protective!rick

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iconicname · 2 months ago

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What I hate most about fanon woobie Tim drake is that he has to be the center of Jason's world. It literally doesn't matter what type of dynamic they have.

If they're acquaintances jason will be dumbed down and has to ask Tim for help, putting Jason in his debt.

or worse Tim will just insert himself without any social repercussions (as in no one fucking likes it when they're boundaries are violated even if they "need" it).

If you're going with the family routes where everyone is brother or sister, Tim has to be Jason's favorite brother (Dick Grayson who?). Because of how "nice and cool" he is or alternatively because tim is some poor wittle baby who needs big strong jason to take care of him.

Or jason and Tim are just "best friends" but it's never shown, jason just takes one look at this expensive saltless cracker and gets hit with the "omg child soldiers are bad! This poor kid 😟" but it only applies to Tim and Tim only.

If they're angst in the dynamic, there's never any nuance. Because they lovvveeee to hammer in the "titans tower incident😱😰😨😱😭😢😥😩" but never how tim was speaking so nasty about jason (a dead kid he did. Not. Know.) Because he was insecure.

It'd be nice if it was a story about how Tim was insecure ( not in the cutesy uwuw baby kinda way i mean the i shit on the dead because i can't handle feeling inferior to my predecessor) and Jason just didn't like him, but they work their differences and they wouldn't exactly be friends or anything but they were least acknowledge each other in a positive way through being Robin and stuff but that would never work because Tim is a character who can never be lifted without bringing others down. Because outside of Robin, he literally has nothing for him, and he knows it.

And like it's one thing if jason was like Dick. (Got fired. Had a crisis. Moved on.) because at least Jason would have the ability to defend himself/prove tim wrong whatever. But he wasn't. He was tortured to death for the cause.

The total lack of empathy from Tim is astonishing. It reflects a lot on his character. Forget Jason for a second. what type of hero shits on the lives lost to your villains?

Imagine your crying because your loved one died in a villain attack and Superman is like "ummmm they died because they fucking sucked and were inherently inferior. Not me though, I would have survived I'm better than them"

Yall don't think that attitude didn't stay when jason got revived? It definitely would, jason is the pariah, and if Tim felt safe enough to shit on a dead kid who at that point has not directly "defied batman" you think he wouldn't say that type of shit to the other robins, around jason or to his face?

Even if he didn't, jason would know because let's be real 🙄

But no, there's no nuance. Instead, jason has to grovel at Tim's superior feet, while Tim gets to feel benevolent and magnanimous with every godamn interaction.

(Also Canonically jason was basically testing Tim's mettle as Robin which Tim supposedly succeeded, thats why Jason left instead of idk knocking Tim out or something. If Tim is truly traumatized and can't be in the same room as someone who aggressively sparred with you, what the fuck are you doing out in the streets in tights you bitch baby go back home.

And if Tim isn't traumatized, the flinching and godforsaken whimpering just reeks of someone using their higher status "elite class robin" to get someone of lower class "street rat, pariah" into trouble. Like Tim going, " All I have to is flinch and act scared to get Bruce and other vigilantes to hurt you. It doesn't matter what you do, they'll never take your side. "

Which sounds ridiculous, but I've seen fics do this many times, and it's never acknowledged outside of "jason should stop being evil and keep apologize over and over"

Because fanon woobie Tim is never with fault. Even if he does something that might hurt someone, it's always overruled because he was "right" or too socially inept to understand what he did wrong thus instantly forgiven (a trait Bruce shares)

Fanon woobie Tim's feeling and conforts is always the priority, it doesn't what any other character is going through, Damian, Jason, Dick, Stephanie, Tim is automatically more important, and if another character has conflict with him that means they're in the wrong.(another trait Bruce shares)

Fanon and Canon Tim is defined by his insecurities, and he refuses to acknowledge or overcome it.

Which is why even in "jason centric" stuff Tim is always there in his face, and jason HAS to have a good opinion of him, he HAS to say you're a good robin. He HAS to say you're my favorite brother. He HAS to constantly affirm that Tim is smart and a good person. It doesn't matter if the titans tower Chapter is included or tim was on a victim blaming spree. jason has like/admire him anyway and should feel so stupid for not seeing it sooner.

#anti tim drake

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elliewrites77 · 3 months ago

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Pride and Anger

this is probably the only angst i've written to be posted, like ever. and it came to because I was thinking about Ace and Luffy, and how sad (and unnecessary, ill die on this hill) his death was. so, like most sane people, i will continue to pretend Portgas D. Ace is alive and well, and my poor Luffy did not have to go through something so traumatic by himself. I hope it doesn't come off as too angsty or all angst. that's a fun word lol

He was alive. Portgas D. Ace was alive.

Critically injured and on the brink of death, sure. But alive.

He was really alive and in front of you.

And you were furious.

You were furious with him, with the marines, with Garp, with Roger, with everyone. And that was exactly why the members of the Heart Pirates stayed as far away from you as they could get. The only person you had spoken to with even a little bit or kindness had been Law, and that's just because he saved their lives. Both boys had been on their last breath when Law saved you all in Marineford, and you were grateful to him, truly, but you were far too enraged to worry about your manners with his crew. You snapped at anyone that suggested you leave them to rest, and when Luffy finally woke up, you snapped at them when they said you should go up with him, to the island of warrior women. You refused to leave Ace's side.

You felt bad, sure. You wanted to be with Luffy, to comfort him as much as you could. But every time you tried to move, your body froze. It was keeping you there, with Ace. You knew Luffy would understand, and at least he wasn't alone. You were thankful for Jimbei too.

You keep replaying the events over and over in your head. Especially the part where Ace almost turned back. He almost turned around to fight, to die for some words. Pride, that's what almost took your closest friend. Pride over a pirate who had already given his life for Ace. Pride that almost make him break his promise to you. His promise to come back.

You don't know what stopped him, really. Maybe it was Luffy, or maybe his brain caught up with his ego. Maybe it was so he didn't disappoint Whitebeard or his crew. Maybe it was you. You didn't know, and you might not ever know. Because he was alive, yes, but it wasn't impossible for that to change, according to Law. And the fact that you still have hope but know that it could be in vain, that also made you furious.

So you stayed. You sat there, staring at his form, the wraps covering his body making him look like a mummy. You stayed, listening to his faint and abnormal breathing. You stayed, praying to whatever higher being their was that he woke up. That he survived. Because you'll be damned before if you didn't get a chance to tell him how angry you were with him. He has almost left you, just like that. Sailing away is one thing, dying is another. He wasn't allowed to die. He had promised that he wouldn't.

You were angry that he had spent his whole life thinking he wasn't loved or able to be, when you had spent your whole life loving him. More than a friend, more than a partner in crime, more than two kids who had a lot in common (including shit dad's). You were angry with yourself for never telling him, too.

You finally moved when Law came into the room, telling you that you really needed to speak to Luffy, now. Something about his look told you he was right, and your body actually let you move.

Hugging the boy you considered family was a relief, and you were close to crying into his bandaged shoulder as he hugged back. You didn't want to let go, didn't know if you could hold it together if you did. But after a few minutes, you heard him utter words that reignited your rage.

You saw the fear an most of the Heart crew when you pulled away, fire in your eyes. You saw how each one of them stepped back as if you were a bomb ready to blow. You didn't care, simply looking from Rayleigh to Luffy and back. Luffy knew the look in your eyes, and returned it with a serious one. That alone is what made you pause.

"Why?" You whispered.

"Ace almost died, he still might. I...I couldn't protect him..couldn't protect you. I have to get stronger, for you, for Ace, for the crew. If I'm ever gonna survive the New World, I have to be...better."

You wanted to argue, wanted to make him stay. 2 years? You didn't want that. But you knew Luffy, knew his determination was strong, and his desire to protect his loved ones was even stronger. So you just hugged him again.

"I swear, Luffy, you better be safe. I don't know what that weirdo is gonna have you do, but please just, try not to get hurt." You said in his ear, feeling him nod as a response. You understood, really, but that wouldn't stop you from worrying.

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It had been a few weeks since you said goodbye to Luffy. You were staying with Law, not having anywhere to go for 2 years, and since Ace still needed to be cared for, it only made sense. But everyday he didn't wake up, your hope waned. Law noticed this, offering to teach you more medical stuff or training you to fight better just to give you something to do. Both things helped, for a few hours. But at the end of the day, you returned to that cold room, and returned to watching his motionless body, the only thing telling you he was alive being the slow rise and fall of his chest.

Your anger was still there, yes, but it has lessened over time. At this point, you only held onto it because it made the hurt of everything that happened a little more bearable. It helped to talk to him, even if he couldn't hear. You confessed your anger, your worry, your pain, and your love. Getting it out, even if you were practically talking to yourself, helped you cope.

Which was good, considering he didn't wake up for an entire year.

He was in a coma for a year. His outside wounds, the small ones, healed. But there was still a large scar on his chest that would always twin with Luffy's. But he was slowly, slowly getting better, according to Law. And that gave you more hope, despite how long you waited.

And as you prepared yourself for another year of no change, you were surprised when Bepo enthusiastically approached you as you were returning to the polar tang, after spending the day on an island to gather supplies. It took a moment for your brain to process the animals words, but as soon as they did, you dropped everything.

"He woke up!"

You rushed onboard the submarine, pushing past everyone to get to that familiar room. But you froze inside the doorway. All you could see was Law, standing over Ace and talking lightly. You could barely hear his voice as he replied. It was cracked, and slow, clear that he was gathering himself after not speaking or being awake for so long.

You remained frozen until Law, who somehow knew you were there, slowly moves out of the way, revealing Ace to you once more. You had gotten so used to his 'sleeping' state, that it shocked you even more when you met his eyes.

They were dazed and tired, which was perfectly understandable. But they lit up at the sight of you, something you immediately noticed. It made you tear up as you forced your body to move closer. Law silently left the room.

Neither you nor Ace broke the silence, or eye contact. It felt like a dream, to be staring into his eyes, his beautiful eyes, once again. A dream you had for a year straight. At that thought, you did break from his gaze, your eyes running down the rest of his body in assessment, as if he grew new wounds just from waking up.

"You gonna keep checking..me out..?" He spoke gruffly, a small smirk on his face. The tears fell from your eyes instantly, and you dropped to your knees beside his bed.

"You stupid, dumb, beautiful idiot. You left me sitting here alone, for an entire year. A year of not knowing if you'd ever wake up. And the first thing you say to me is that?" you spoke through sobs, a laugh making its way through as well. You laid your head on his arm, feeling him slowly lift his other one to pat your head as you cried onto him.

"m'sorry angel...I..don't remember everything yet but...ink-dude told me a bit.." he spoke slowly. you could tell the words were hard for his throat to let out.

"Law. He's that captain of this ship." You informed through another teary laugh, lifting your head from his arm and instead grabbing his hand in yours. "don't push yourself right now. It's honestly probably best if you..don't remember everything for a little. You still need rest."

He used his free hand to rub your cheek, wiping away some of the tears still slowly rolling down your face.

"too..pretty to..cry" you heard him mumble. His eyes looked sad. You could guess why.

"You're too pretty to die. Remember that next time." you joked slightly, smiling at him. You were happy, so so happy, that he was actually awake now. Right now, that outweighed everything else.

He chuckled, coughing right after. You gave him a glass of water, holding his head to help him drink. When he was done, he laid it back down and closed his eyes for a moment. You stroked his hair, admiring him. Sure, he had his eyes closed for a year, but this was different.

His eyes fluttered open, and he gave you a smile.

"I heard ya...you know.."

Your brows furrowed. You thought he couldn't hear.

"You heard me every time?"

"I don't...think so...all I remember is...you talking about stopping for...medical gloves...and saying you love me."

Your eyes widen, and you freeze once again. That had been that very morning, before you left to get supplies. You did tell him you love him every day though, feeling like you'd regret it if you didn't. But you were okay with doing that when you thought he couldn't hear. Now that he had, you were nervous.

"I uh..I didn't...um.." You stuttered. He chuckled lightly, gripping your hand again.

"It's okay, angel...I..I'm sorry, about..this..about everything...but I need...need you to know that...I love you too." He confessed, bringing your hand to his lips to kiss the back of it. Tears came to your eyes again, along with a smile, and you closed your eyes resting your forehead against his.

For the first time in over a year, you weren't angry or scared. You were at peace.

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masterlist

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jadeleechwife · 4 months ago

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Hii!

Could I request platonic Boothill, Gallagher, Sunday and Blade with a teen reader that kind of just stuck to them because they have no parents?

(idk if I can request platonic hcs, pls lmk if not <33)

hello!! thanks for your request, I hope you like it!! <33 and it's fine really, I also enjoy platonic hcs. sorry for the bad grammar

Boothill

- When Boothill found you, you were heavily injured, bleeding. Alongside you, there were two adult figures, both lifeless.

- Boothill was in the middle of a mission that just happens to be in a place that was recently attacked by Anti-matter Legion. He couldn't help but notice your figure, somehow still alive.

- He took you with him to treat your injuries. When you woke up, you were scared, noticing to be in a place that isn't your home, your parents missing and with a cowboy cyborg man watching you.

- You asked where your parents were, but Boothill just sighed, admitting that they won't be with you so soon.

- You got the message and immediately started crying in pure despair, you were alone. Alone in this world with nobody to lend you a hand.

- Boothill could only remember his time when he lost everything, when he lost his kid and family. He felt the closest feeling to what should be an ache to his chest, and suggested that if you wanted to, you could stay with him. He knew he was being impulsive, as a teen living with him could only mean putting them in danger, but he could never let someone who desperately needs help like you to be left behind.

- You were wary about his request at first, but you didn't see any options beside accepting it, as you had nowhere to go.

- And so Boothill became your reference.

- To ensure your safety, he taught you how to handle guns, how to aim in the right spots to take your enemy down, and practiced your reflexes so you wouldn't be easily hit.

- His trainings were all strict, but it was all to keep you safe. He always tried to cheer you up with jokes and reassured you when you weren't doing well in your practices.

- Even after so many training, he still would be really protective of you, being able to beat his targets while also looking after your safety

- "Don'tcha worry kid, while you're with me, no one's gonna hurt ya." - He winked while you both were preparing yourselves to another mission.

Bonus: On your birthday, Boothill would gift you a similar hat that he is using to you, after all you were teammates now, right?

Gallagher

- Gallagher found you by pure chance while strolling the streets.

- He saw a teenager sneaking through a store and and carefully putting something in their pocket while leaving.

- He follows you and eventually corners you to ask you questions.

- You explained that you are only doing that for survival. Your parents sacrificed themselves to keep you safe from an unknown attack, making you completely alone.

- Gallagher listened carefully and couldn't help but also somehow identify himself with you in his darker times, completely lost, without a place to go.

- He told you to bare with him a bit and follow, while he has an idea.

- After a long discussion with the Bloodhound Family, they allowed Gallagher to watch over you with the condition that you don't interfere in any of their duties.

- You were truly surprised at first, as Gallagher didn't miss a beat to somehow take care of you. As much you were suspicious about second intentions, you rather try and see if that was a trap instead of refusing and choose to live only by surviving.

- He said you both will be living by an accord: he would take care of you and guarantee a better life, while you promise to never cause any sort of trouble again and also giving back the thing you stole it. For you, it was a win-win situation, so you had no complains.

- Gallagher was a mysterious man to you, full of secrets, always with a tired look. But even so, he was always ready to teach you many things and tips so you can grown up and be a wise adult.

- Also, in any case of potential danger, he was always prepared to keep you safe, hiding you in perfect spots, or keeping you behind him while he takes care of the threat. He was a silent but caring parental figure to you.

- "I didn't have much opportunities to have someone to guide me to be a better person. I don't want you to be like me, kid. I want you to be whoever you want, and better." - He said one day while sipping a drink he prepared and you also drinking a juice he made.

- You didn't get much of what he said, but you knew he was always trying to teach you only the best. He was hiding a lot and you knew it, but you believed it was for your own good.

Bonus: He teaches you the basic of mixing drinks and sometimes you both have nights where you can experiment combinations of drinks all you like! He always drinks everything you create even when the taste is questionable.

Sunday

- Sunday and the Astral Express decided to relax a bit at a nearby stop when he found you.

- You were wandering, with a hollowing look in your eyes, seeming completely lost.

- He decided to approach you, asking if you were okay and where your parents were.

- "I lost my parents. I lost everything. All it remains is.... void. Nothing. I am nothing."

- Sunday eyes widened at the realization you were just a teenager, lost and unprotected making him remind of his sister, and his deep fear of losing her and let her all alone.

- He asked you to follow him and if you wanted to stay with him and his crew for a bit. You just shrugged off, "it's not like if it matters or not", you thought.

- The Astral Express welcomed you with open arms, touched by your situation, and told you can stay as much as you like until you find somewhere you can call a home.

- Even if the others were extremely kind to you, Sunday was the one approaching you the most, including you in every situation. He couldn't help but try to make you see him as an older brother figure to make you feel safer.

- It took a while for you to open up, but as Sunday keep tolding you his and the others stories, making sure you were always comfortable, and reassuring you to take your time to adapt to the new environment, you finally felt like everything is ok.

- As you discover that Sunday would be temporarily in the Astral Express, you insisted that you want to go with him when he finally finds his promised land. Sunday was surprised, specially because you called him big brother as you stated your wish.

- With a tender smile on his face, he promised he will always be with you, and you both will be searching for this land together.

- "Don't be scared little one, the future is uncertain, but as long we stick together, we don't have to fear anything."

Bonus: Sunday writes a letter to Robin saying he wants you both to meet each other, stating that the family got bigger. He cannot wait until the moment you three can be together.

Blade

- Him and the Stellaron Hunters were traveling around following Elio's script when they found you, almost on the verge of death.

- Kafka already knew it was part of the destiny to finding you, and asked Blade to handle the situation.

- He was confused at first, not knowing much what to do, but even so he scooped your fragile body onto his arms and took you alongside to the Stellaron Hunters.

- After some weeks you finally opened your eyes and saw Blade on your side. He told you he knew you would wake up today and was checking up how you were feeling.

- You said you were lost, and still feeling pain, but you remembered a strong man carrying you to safety. "It was you, right?" you asked.

- After you were completely recovered, Kafka always made sure you were always by Blade's side, making Blade teaching you the basic of self defense, even if against his will.

- Somehow, after passing so much time with Blade, you got attached to him, seeing as some sort of big brother figure. You wanted to follow his steps, be strong and relentless as him. You admired him.

- Blade, on the other side, tried to push you away as much as possible. Firstly because he thought you were a hassle to handle, but then he realized it was because he wanted to protect you. He was a monster, and that was no lie to him, and the last thing he wanted was ending up hurting you somehow.

- He didn't know how to handle you most of the times, as he was not used to deal with teenagers, but even that, he started to enjoying your company, even if never admitting that.

- "Listen kid, one day, when my journey reaches to an end, I am going to die. Don't think that as a bad thing. It's my most deserved rest. Until that day, I am going to make you stronger. You will never be like me, but take that as a blessing. You will continue your journey on your own, but this time, you won't need to be scared. Take the obstacles of your journey as challenges to reach your highest potential. Don't waste anything, got it?" He said that to you one day.

- Even if you were scared of losing someone you cared for again, you already understood everything he said. You smiled, and promised to be the strongest warrior someone ever seen.

Bonus: On the beginning of your training, Blade was teaching you how to reach for the enemies weak spot and made you stab him on his chest. You were terrified as seeing the sword crossing his body completely, your mind going blank. Blade couldn't help but laugh as he takes off the weapon watch your reaction as his body regenerates. It was the first time you thought he was super cool.

#boothill #boothill x reader #honkai star rail #gallagher #gallagher honkai star rail #gallagher x reader #sunday honkai star rail #sunday x reader #blade honkai #blade x reader #honkai headcanons

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theexaltedbride · 1 month ago

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Rabbit with a Deceased Reader lover Headcanons.

Losing you was one of the worst pains Rabbit has ever experienced. When it first happened it was a blinding agony which drowned out all of his other senses. Now it is a dull ache constantly on his heart which waxes and wanes, but in its own way...it is a good pain. Because it tells the demon that he truly did have a heart, and he really did love you.

'If this is why Sparda did what he did...then I understand.' He thinks to himself as his hand moves in circles over his own heart, still trying to soothe the aching, if even for just a moment.

Being a demon means he's lived a long time and seen many horrors. Far too many than is right for anyone to have to ever endure.

After a while it becomes easy to ignore them, he just let them slide off his soul like water off of a duck's back. But that same emotional state would just as common with the good events too. It all became like a blur after a while. A dull gray haze where thoughts were rendered into nothing but a faint buzz at the back of the mind.

Rabbit felt like he was sleepwalking through life until he met you.

You were different. The time you and rabbit spent together was like a reprieve from the daily discomfort and hardship, a stay of execution on his very soul. It let him forget all his troubles for a few blessed years. The good times and the bad times are still clear in his mind, even if they've begun fraying at the edges, and specific details have blurred, he still remembers you. Rabbit never forgot your favorite mix of tea that he would brew for you. He never forgot how it felt to dance with you, to hold you, kiss you, the feeling of your fingers between his own.

Whenever Rabbit is alone at night, unable to sleep, he will close his eyes and think of the soothing memories he had of you, just casually walking together, him showing you the small creatures of Makai which weren't dangerous, or just holding you close to him and sharing the warmth of your bodies. They are still fresh in his mind, and never fail to bring him comfort.

It almost makes up for how he's forgotten your scent (despite his best efforts), how he can't remember the exact sound of your laugh or what it felt like to run his hands through your hair. Things slip through his grasp even despite his best efforts. Each time he loses a memory, it's like a small part of him has died.

-Rabbit's mood has permanently soured with your passing. He still smiles and laughs on occasion, but much of the time has him serious or frowning. Thoughts of you on your best days never fail to bring at least a half smile to his face.

-Any trinket of yours which survived your passing will become cherished by him, and losing it or misplacing it will drive him rabid. Even just forgetting where he put it has him scurrying around a room and turning things over, only able to calm down once he can feel it in the palm of his hand or press it to his chest, above his heart, as if it were a bandage over the hole left when you died.

-Like with Dante and the flight attendant who looked like his mother, anyone who looks or acts like you will get a reaction from Rabbit. His temper will be cooled by them and he will be more lenient than he would with others. But he knows that they aren't you, and this is just him longing for what he can't have anymore.

-The temptation to go full Dr. Frankenstein, or make deals with more powerful demons to bring you back to lie is always there for Rabbit. If he could just have you back for even a single day, it would be worth the price. But he never does it. He fears what would happen if you were brought back 'wrong', or if your soul were snatched up by some other demon. Or worse...if you were in an actual Heaven of your own, and he was stealing you away from it....he misses you, but he wouldn't want to rob you of paradise like that.

-Rabbit will tell the story of how you and he met to younger Makaians as if it were a fairy tale, spinning a yarn about a noble (if headstrong) Rabbit prince of a lost kingdom trying to win the heart of their one true love.

It's easier for him to think of it that way, because sometimes he struggles to believe he could ever be so lucky as to earn someone like you in his life. He thinks himself unworthy of such love, and that was why he lost you.

"If there is a God in charge of all of this, he took my dearest from me, because I don't deserve that kind of happiness." He would say if anyone managed to learn about how much he still misses you.

"I'm vile, I'm hateful to the extreme, I'm prideful, I...didn't appreciate my dearest enough. So, I didn't deserve to have them."

-Sometimes he truly wishes he could just fade out, and leave it all behind. But he made you a promise in your last moments, that he would live. He'd find happiness, and he wouldn't lose himself to despair.

-He doesn't know if he will ever move on...maybe he will, demons live a very long time after all, or maybe he won't. But whatever choice he makes, his love for you and those precious moments you both spent together will never stop mattering to him. Rabbit will keep them with him till he too fades, and if there is an afterlife for creatures like him, he swears to find you there.

========

Couple's Playlist.

'Strong For Somebody Else' ~Citizen Soldier.

'Who wants to live forever?' ~ Queen.

#dmc rabbit x reader #dmc rabbit #devil may cry netflix #white rabbit x reader #canon x reader #devil may cry rabbit x reader #devil may cry white rabbit #rabbit x reader

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quirkyfries · 5 months ago

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Ruin ramble because writing his pov is interesting

Do you ever notice that Ruin gets really self depreciative about himself sometimes? (Maybe not quite self depreciative, but highlighting things about himself.) Implying vulnerability in a way that can almost come off as a joke if it weren't for his tone of voice. He says he hasn't been safe in a long time, it would be nice to sleep for once, wouldn't his death be hilarious? It comes off as a cry for help, but he states it as fact, he's convinced it won't change.

He's very stubborn about what he's done. He had nothing left to lose. No, there was absolutely no other way he could've gone about destroying the creator, he'd spent years considering his options. Yes, Solar was collateral, unfortunate. Those lives were a necessary sacrifice. He had to do it. There was no other way.

To him, he chose the lesser amount of people in the trolley problem. That was the morally correct thing to do in the circumstances he was given, lives would have been taken either way. He had to do it. (He could've walked away from the lever that switched the rails, but that would be the self serving option, wouldn't it? To move on?)

The most interesting part about it to me is, why does Ruin keep on going? All he's known is pain and suffering in some shape or another, he had nothing to live for after his goal was completed. All he'd ever known was bad, bad, bad, vindictive release, a little bit more bad, and then nothing. He was ready to die, he didn't know where to go.

Then came along this new dimension, one he'd apparently accidentally created through his actions. For someone who has nothing to gain or lose, wouldn't this be a nice chance of pace? To look forward to something nice that was more or less your responsibility in a weird way, to cultivate something good for once after a life of bad? To be able to take the place of your abuser, break that cycle? This new dimension is his reason to keep going, he will see this one good thing through if he can help it. Even if he isn't particularly liked by his migrated peers.

But he still isn't secure. There are enemies he'd made, the insurmountable weight of lives on his shoulders, and a new uncertain freedom of identity. (Granted, he still has to lie to some people to get by. I more mean his own Creator, the Virus act, and Nexus + Dark Sun here. Ruin having to strike deals and bargain for his life and act against his own morals to survive. But those are gone. When had Ruin last acted like himself, truly? He had barely been able to define himself as an Eclipse before everything bad happened.)

Does Ruin hate himself? I don't know, he's very adamant about hating what he had to do, but would do it again. He believes he was right, he's even defensive about it to several people, but there is still something that's bothering him. Does he hate himself for pressing the red button? Dunno. Maybe subconsciously. He's clearly meant to parallel Puppet with how he is now, they're the same words in different font. Ruin pulled the lever to kill the smaller amount of strangers to save the greater amount of strangers. Puppet was inside the train that killed everyone she knew. She wants to repent, Ruin hasn't shown much interest in it. Does a selfless act require repentance?

I like to think he has a bit of a dissociation issue, he compartmentalizes things if you squint, a possible coping mechanism of something called cognitive dissonance (a disturbance that happens when your actions do not align with your morals/values.) He was right for what he did. What he did was bad. What he did was necessary. He deserves his fate. He doesn't like pain. There's some contradicting statements there, he'd have to separate some things into neat little boxes in order for it to make sense in his head, so he didn't torture himself thinking about what that said about himself and his values. What he did was right and necessary. What he did was bad and he deserves his fate. He doesn't like pain. Still contradictory a bit, but a little more organized. If he focused on the positive box more than the negative box, he can feel better about himself, but he's painfully aware of the negative box' existence. Maybe he avoids looking at the negative box at all times and ignores the contents, but what's inside is so over accumulated that it can't help but be constantly present and occasionally overflow in those matter-of-fact cries for help. A lotta PTSD can fit in this bad boy (pats ruin on the head)

Does that make sense? I don't know, I feel like a therapist trying to write from his point of view. What is wrong with this little british guy.

#quirky rambling #tsams ruin #eaps ruin #I want to pick this guy apart like a bug in my brain

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shanieveh · 2 years ago

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HAUNTED BY THE GHOST OF YOU *ੈ✩‧₊˚

no matter what he does, he can never deny that you were the greatest love of his life

KAMISATO AYATO who scarcely shows real emotion, who puts on a facade of masks and fake gestures was now charming his new bride to gain her favour. He can describe his new bride with just one word. Perfect. Unlike you, who messily eats the sweets that he stole from the tea house, or laughs crazily when you tease him so. The life he now lives was one from paintings and models, standards and perfection. But it was all fake, a charade, and only in the nights in the place where you said your goodbye, can the cowardly man finally put off his mask and reveal what he truly was. A lie.

SCARAMOUCHE who did everything to have a heart, even if it meant to discard you, to never see you ever again. And now he did, but the feeling of emptiness had never been so obvious. He was now a God, just what he wanted, but he no longer can be with you even if that's what he needed. To be with a person that actually cared, that never abandoned him. Not when he was the one who left, and he always denied that he was the reason why you're gone. That you were the reason his heart now restored, had never felt this empty. But deep down he knew, that a life with you was better than this.

KAEYA who spends all his time in the tavern, doing everything to erase the pain, to escape reality. His once carefree and seemingly sly like nature was now reduced to tatters who hoped that everything that has happened was only a dream. You didn't leave him, but you did. Who wouldn't leave a loser, a coward and inferior to his brother? He couldn't even face his past nor future, he couldn't even be the man you deserve. It was so clear as to why you left, but you never knew how he would risk all for you. His identity, his titles, his very life. You didn't know how he will leave it all behind, just to see your smile again. Just for you to break his heart again.

DILUC was someone that everybody knew, and everybody was scared of.. But when you gave him that look of fear, that look of judgment, he can't help but be jealous of the ordinary townsfolk that just run up to you and be with you. But sometimes he believed it was right to scare you off. To make you think that he didn't love you. At the very least you won't be tied into the danger that comes with being with him. Even if every corner of his mansion was filled with your memories, he will survive this pain. The pain of seeing you so happy with another man, and the consequence of knowing that the both of you can never be together.

KAVEH who made you his muse. His very existence was dedicated for you. His dreams, his passions, his love it was all for you. And now he orders two ice creams, remembering how you weren't there to eat the other once. Making a portrait for the wedding you both will never have. Maybe just like last time, it was all his fault. Maybe his fate lies in always being alone, in being a failure to everyone he loves. To always say the wrong words, and doing the wrong things. And he will act like nothing happened, that nothing bad was there. Because he doesn't deserve to grieve when it is his own undoing.

ALHAITHAM believed that dreams are never real, that they are just a gist of imagination by childish youngsters. But being with you finally made him realize the beauty of it all, and losing you made him see how it can make him crazy. Seeing you there, but never touch nor feel. Loving you from afar, but never up close or near. He stands as a lone man, that had his life all planned out, who knows what he wants to do and don't. But he never planned to love you, but he did, he never planned to lose you. Easy they come, easy they go a wise man said but never added how hard it is to let go.

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feyrearchearon · 20 days ago

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finally started my acotar re-read, and here are my thoughts on the first two chapters:

tl;dr: feyre is an angel. elain should have been written more consistently with the personality sjm claims she has, but she can be redeemed. nesta sucks.

feyre is so selfless, it's insane. she was the one risking her life and providing their basic necessities, and still her thoughts were never focused on her own hunger or needs, but on that of her family. "i knew the expression that would be on my elder sisters' faces when i returned to our cottage empty handed yet again.", "we wouldn't last another week without food."

she had to ask for handouts from the wealthier townsfolk, and just imagine how humiliating that must have been for her. really let that sink in. the youngest in the family, the baby, had to ask for charity because the people who should have been responsible for her were useless.

there is this really heartbreaking moment in the very third page of the book where feyre, who was living on survival mode for years, stopped to admire the swirl of the snow and the way it coated the trees. she says she couldn't remember the last time she had stopped to look at anything lovely or interesting. what a miserable life. and then she says she just wished nesta and elain would get married already, so there would be enough food to go around between herself and her father, and some money to spare to buy paint. . . this is literally heartbreaking. look at the way she had to live, the things she had to give up, because her family was leeching off of her. imagine if she had actually been selfish like people claim her to be, then she would have only hunted for herself, provided for herself, and used the money all on her. but also imagine how this could have been so much different if the whole family came together to help in providing, they were their own enemies, for real, they were in the way of themselves living a better life. not perfect by any means, but any help would have been an improvement to them.

"i needed new boots, but elain needed a new cloak, and nesta was prone to crave anything someone else possessed." this literally summons their personalities. feyre needs something, but so does elain, so feyre will let her have it, and nesta is a selfish bitch lol

"my sisters' voices fluttered out to meet me. i didn't need to discern their words to know they most likely were chattering about some young man or the ribbons they'd spotted in the village when they should have been chopping wood, but i smiled a bit nonetheless." i swear, she's gonna make me cry.

"no mention of the blood on me. i'd long since given up hope of them actually noticing whether i came back from the woods every evening. at least until they got hungry again." it's insane to me that SJM wrote things like this about feyre's family, but she expects people to forgive them. how can you possibly read this and let it slide? lol

granted, she made an effort to leave hints that elain was not so bad, though she isn't off the hook, i really like this part: "it wasn't that elain was cruel. she wasn't like nesta, who had been born with a sneer on her face. elain sometimes just. . . didn't grasp things. it wasn't meanness that kept her from offering to help; it simply never occurred to her that she might be capable of getting her hands dirty. i'd never been able to decide whether she actually didn't understand that we were truly poor or if she just refused to accept it. it still hadn't stopped me from buying her seeds for the flower garden she tended in the milder months, whenever i could afford it. and it hadn't stopped her from buying me three small tins of paint — red, yellow, and blue. it was the only gift she'd ever given me, and our house still bore the marks of it." this? this is understandable. this is redeemable. this is fixable.

feyre painting every little corner of the cottage a la rapunzel because she wanted to be remembered after she was gone :(

i hate their father. he's the worst.

"nesta snorted. not surprising. any bit of praise for anyone — me, elain, the villagers — usually resulted in her dismissal." this bitch is so miserable lmao and this is who we're supposed to forgive and understand and root for down the line? nah, let rhysand deal with her.

sometimes feyre would speak and SJM made a point of writing that the family ignored her, like they didn't even hear her at all. this is what i don't get about elain. if she's supposed to be different from nesta, if she's supposed to be this lovely, docile girl without a mean bone in her body, shouldn't she show a modicum of sympathy for feyre? definitely listen to her when she speaks, and answer her. maybe offer to dry the meat, or not spend feyre's money on herself, or at the very least defend her from nesta and stick by feyre rather than nesta. like, this is the bare minimum of what elain could and should have done in order for those traits to be believable about her character, instead SJM had elain arguing with nesta about who would get to spend feyre's money, but spoiler alert: it was never feyre lol

nobody talks about feyre's trauma having to watch her father get beaten up and assaulted by those men as a child, that's actually so sad.

and i'm expected to feel bad for her?! please, whatever she gets isn't bad enough. this is also the same person that was hissing and barking at elain in the same scene, but we're supposed to believe nesta would have whored herself for elain, who she literally thinks of as a dog and has said as much in her spin-off, but live, laugh, love "healing arc", right?

reading about the dresser feyre painted, the night sky that was just for her, makes me all sorts of happy and giddy skshsks feysand really are the blueprint, guys, i'm afraid no other couple will ever touch them.

fuck mother archeron for asking feyre to promise to take care of the family, and fuck sjm for not developing this further because there is literally no reason for feyre to ride so hard to keep a vow to a dead mother that never gave a rip about her? this part specifically is so undeveloped, it's annoying.

"you can't chop wood for us, but you want to marry a woodcutter's son?" LMFAO, a rare snarky feyre in sight!

"but i'd made do, even if it had killed not to have white paint, to do something so flawed and lasting." baby, please :( feyre is so humble and grateful, dude. i just know she thanks rhys for every little thing, and it breaks his heart the way it does mine, that she views even basic necessities as luxury.

"believe me, the day you want to marry someone worthy, i'll march up to his house and hand you over. but you're not marrying thomas." — feyre about nesta. she knew and cared even about nesta's heart, about the life she would live in private, and she wanted nesta to find someone WORTHY of her. this is the sister that you all hate on, by the way. but you love the sister that slut-shamed her right after this display of nurturing feyre showed.

this is also the difference between feyre and nesta when it comes to elain. feyre would have never allowed elain to be engaged to a guy like grayson if they were still in the cabin at the time. elain, who she liked more than nesta lol for sure, she would have been more watchful with elain.

but back to how inconsistent sjm is with elain's supposedly lovely character: "i laid my palms flat on the table as i stared her down. elain removed her hand from where it lay nearby, as if the dirt and blood underneath my fingernails would somehow jump onto her porcelain skin." this isn't the behavior of someone who is kind and caring and thinks of others. this is the behavior of someone who is shallow and arrogant and selfish. also, for somebody who is later on spoken of as not caring about dirt because she gardens, this doesn't add up either lol but i digress because sjm is known for showing little consistency with her writing.

feyre calling nesta a burden to her face is some good fucking food, where is this feyre in acomaf? acowar? acosf? sjm really shut her up for no reason, let my girl fight back for once in her life.

literally talking to feyre like she's an animal and not her own baby sister. and this is the perfect display of abuse and emotional torture, by the way. nesta literally admits in her own book to enjoy causing feyre pain and hurt. she's deranged, mentally deficient, and i don't know how she even has a single stan. and she has the nerve of being like "as if our life was that bad", "since having sisters sucked so much for you", like SHE wasn't doing all this 😭 the perfect display of a narcissistic abuser fr.

and again, elain showed sympathy to who? exactly.

my heart goes out to feyre so much. how could she possibly have hope when everybody was leeching off of her and abusing her? she feared she was going to be lost and forgotten to time, and nesta fed into that fear. there was no hope for her.

anyway, this post is already too long, so i'm finishing it here, but i expect to pick up on the pace soon, i probably won't have much to say about tamlin and lucien 'cause i don't really care about them as characters so yeah lol

#📖: a court of thorns and roses #acotar #feyre archeron #pro feyre archeron #pro feyre #elain archeron #anti nesta archeron #anti nesta

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