#because i've had people make comments about it being required feeling “icky” and i'm like.

[serabellyms]

   ⬐ @dutyworn ⬎

🎨Are you neurodivergent or disabled? Anything that uniquely affects your RPing?

Yes, to both.

I am neurodivergent because I have been diagnosed with ADHD. I don't like the specific descriptor of "I'm disabled" for myself (as I feel that makes it sound like I'm entirely incapable of certain things that I very much am capable of possibly with accommodations, but that's personal interpretation), but I do consider myself to be a person with a disability, one that affects how I function in my day-to-day and one that requires accommodations to maintain that functionality.

Specifically, the way this negatively affects my RPing is in three ways: executive function (or dysfunction, rather), hyperfixation, and working memory. I also have really crappy eyesight (strabismus). More details under the cut because this one got... really long.

EXECUTIVE FUNCTION/DYSFUNCTION:

Executive function/dysfunction is simple: some days, no matter how much I want to write, I can't. My brain just can't do the thing. It sucks. Sometimes it means I have to do something else until my brain unlocks the gate. Sometimes that's later that day, sometimes it's after my meds kick in, sometimes it's not for a few days or a week. Outside factors, such as work, life events, holidays, etc. all affect that ability to function, so I don't always have the spoons left to write, no matter how desperately I want to. So it just... won't happen. Do I wish I could power through it? Absolutely. Can I? No. That's not how my brain works.

HYPERFIXATION:

Hyperfixation is a little different. Hyperfixation means that something new and shiny has my brain's attention, and I can't just pull my brain away from it. It could be making icons, it could be finishing up my blog pages, it could be one or two particular muses or a particular fandom that's taken over another fandom, etc. I do my best to reign in my hyperfocus by not rapidly adding or removing muses (believe me, I probably had 30 muses that I was like "I would LIKE to write this muse" and ended up cutting it back to muses I knew I would be likely to stick with, or that had the most urge in my brain) but sometimes, that's just how it be. This is actually the reason my blog is so focused on Mass Effect/on my Mass Effect muses: Mass Effect has been a hyperfixation for me for the last couple years.

WORKING MEMORY:

Working memory is by far the worst. This is why I ask for certain accommodations such as my interest tracker. My interest tracker isn't just a one-and-done thing on my end with the spreadsheet; I take the time to carefully and meticulously organize the responses in a way that I can interpret. I have tabs for each verse, columns per-muse, and I pull that information from the initial fill-out on my mutuals' end over to secondary sheets that I can more easily reference. I have a tab that ties mun names and pronouns to blog names, as well as the muse(s) they write that I either have interacted with or am likely to interact with.

The reason this accommodation is needed is because the layout of everyone's blogs, rules, muse page, etc is DIFFERENT from blog to blog. What might be at the top of someone's rules page is only in another's pinned post, or in another's about page, or is at the bottom of it, is in their blog description... you get the idea. This means that if I'm looking for a particular piece of information, I may have to check six places, per blog, to find it. Not being able to find it, or not knowing where it might be, or simply not remembering it leads to me feeling incredibly frustrated, which leads into feeling demotivated and other crappy feelings.

That's also especially difficult for someone like me who switches devices, as I often write from my iPad and not always from my desktop. Having my tracker compiles that information in a method that I can comprehend and understand with my disability, helps me keep track of things, and helps keep me on top of things. It is essential to my functionality running my blog. Period.

Now---I'm flexible when it comes to what's actually in the interest tracker. I don't treat it as you're locked in to only the characters you pick in the tracker (and it's set up that you can update it on your end at any time, and it notifies me if it's updated) and can't pick any more after that. Not at all! That's where communication comes in. If there's a new muse you want to interact with that I added, or you watched a new piece of media that I already had on my blog and you want those muses, you can either ask me directly, or update the tracker. It's cool.

But the fact of the matter is, I do need it filled out for my functionality, and it is incredibly frustrating that five minutes, at most, of someone's time is too much for an accommodation. What is a minor inconvenience or discomfort for one person greatly affects my functionality in ways I can't fully explain (and that honestly, I shouldn't have to explain) and the fact that some people can't make that one small step just grinds my gears to no end.

MY SHITTY EYESIGHT:

This isn't one I talk about too often, because I'm in the process of working with it (and it has been improving over the last 6 months), but: the reason I ask for certain text aesthetics to be tagged is, in simple terms, because my eyes suck.

The more complex answer is I have what is known as eye misalignment/strabismus/crossed eyes. My eyes don't quite line up properly (they're not visibly crossed, so it's nothing crazy like that), but because of this, my eyes do not focus properly the way they should. It's intermittent, which means that it's not happening all the time, and it's to a degree that's not physically noticeable without special testing (which I've had done).

What this essentially means is that when I'm doing anything---watching TV, on the computer, on my phone, etc---the muscles around my eyes will flex repeatedly in order to maintain focus. We're talking as often as every five to ten seconds throughout the day when I'm trying to read on the computer. Given the fact that my job does require me to be on the computer during the day, it's not something I can just avoid. In most cases, my brain will try to avoid flexing those muscles by filling in the gaps (similarly to how the blind spot in the eye works), which reduces the strain. It causes headaches and neck stiffness, something which I've had chronically for months now. It also means that my eyesight worsens drastically; over the last 2 years, I've gone from about a -2.75 to a -4.25 prescription. THAT'S A LOT.

But what does this mean for multi-spaced aesthetics? Because the spacing is unnatural, my brain can't fill in the gaps, and has to flex to focus. This means that when exposed to text in this manner, the response in my eyes is almost immediate; if I were to spend two to three minutes reading an entire post, I'd have a headache for the rest of the day. That's debilitating. That's why I ask it to be tagged. That's why it's INTEGRAL that it's tagged for me.