#because i think it perpetuated and contributed to fatphobia even though the video's aim was ostensibly to shit on fatphobia etc

[troglobite]

just watched a video by a creator i like about shitty trends in body types and the rise of bbls etc

and the entire last half of the video was her talking about her own body issues like as an example

but.

i just.

her partner is a personal trainer and like.

there was just. a lot of talk. about natural body sculpting. and put in the work like adele. 

i want to be SO PAINFULLY CLEAR that those were NOT! the takeaway messages that were emphasized!

but BOY did they make my skin fucking crawl!

the creator is thin. or at the very least, is Small and Curvy. conventionally attractive.

but she’s put on weight on her stomach and bbls typically take the fat from your stomach and put it on your ass/hips. so ppl w her shape have these flat stomachs. and she’s like damn i’ve considered flattening my stomach

but instead she’s just like “yeah y’know the normal stuff of like what you eat and exercising” and the whole “calorie deficit” thing and i am

.....

FRUSTRATED.

how do you make an hour long video about the damage that the proliferation of unrealistic body image goals and plastic surgery are doing

AND THEN REPEAT FATPHOBIC GARBAGE???

also i’m not going to shit on a person for getting plastic surgery ever

like among the many reasons that’s the case, hi hello i’m a trans person and while medical transition isn’t part of my life (except maybe breast reduction bc i just got back into Seriously Exercising Again finally, and oh my GOD my breasts are a LIVING NIGHTMARE to work around) it absolutely is for so many trans people

like it’s crucial to mental health and survival, and also like, bodily autonomy. let people do what they want. 

HOWEVER

my “exception/however” is that by and large, most plastic surgery things just. perpetuate fatphobia and racist beauty standards and also trends based on them.

and i just think that that DOES need to be laid at the feet of the industry and also health care in general.

like plastic surgery that changes someone’s weight or the structure of their face to match with values that are fatphobic or racist is not morally neutral.

the person getting it is not at fault for it, but the thing itself is like. not morally neutral. it doesn’t make them bad, the thing just Sucks and contributes to like. perpetuating shit in society that is actively harmful.

discussing losing weight and like. applauding adele--who, by the way, has had work done and hasn’t talked about it. like. i’m sorry, her face is not the same, and that is NOT just weight loss. i’ve seen people who were very fat lose a lot of weight over the years, their faces DO NOT CHANGE THAT MUCH. 

it’s not a huge difference, but like. christ. how many celebrities just get their eyebrows surgically lifted, y’know?

anyway whatever.

i was just really frustrated that she talked about curating her instagram to make sure she saw as many different kinds of bodies as possible, and like “accepting fat bodies” or whatever and i’m like. 

and still. you’re talking about body sculpting and losing weight and calories in and calories out. 

like your training partner said “maybe 1 pound lost a week is about as good as it’ll get” and like. yeah at least it’s realistic but also ???

WHY DO WE HAVE TO TALK SO MUCH ABOUT LOSING WEIGHT? AS IF THAT IS SOMEHOW NEUTRAL IN OUR SOCIETY???

and also this idea that people should do what they want--yeah, they should. but what they want does not exist in a fucking vacuum.

are you really going to tell me that people who get procedures done aren’t influenced by beauty standards at the time? or some other thing having to do with like, white supremacy and all its attendant pieces?

again THAT DOES NOT MAKE THEM A “BAD PERSON”

but i AM saying that all of our decisions and preferences are influenced by what is around us and what we take in, etc.

so no, getting a bbl because you want one and it’ll make you feel better--that isn’t. like! that’s not in a vacuum! i mean it COULD be! certainly! i’m not here to be the arbiter of this shit!

i just think this conversation is more complicated than “unattainable beauty standards” and the accessibility (in terms of pervasiveness) of plastic surgery. 

i also don’t think (i’m going to repeat this again here!) that plastic surgery is ~evil~ bc it’s not. it’s existed for a long time and does a lot of good in the world in terms of things like transition, etc. and also just like, things that people wanna change about themselves bc like. idk. bad memories, or just being irritated thinking about one of their features too much and like “eh, just get rid of it” or whatever. y’know? there’s a lot of shit and grey and again BODILY AUTONOMY.

i will never, not in a million years, tell someone what to do with their own body (beyond begging people i love to please for the love of fuck not do something that will 100% give them covid)

that’s not the point i’m making

i think, in an ideal world, it would be possible for plastic surgery to exist and be relatively popular or accepted--and for it to not, by default, perpetuate a lot of horrific beauty standards that literally kill people

but i also just. think more realistic and honest conversations about bodies, how they change and grow, REAL discussion about HEALTH by which i mean--things that are unnecessary that can harm you versus the moralizing of health and dehumanization of sick and disabled people, etc. like having REAL conversations about this shit would, i bet, lower the rate of people getting plastic surgery. 

there’s just so many harms being perpetuated by the industry and the prevalence of it in media. 

and it just. bugs me. that in a longass video discussing just that.

this person. somehow. perpetuated those same fucking problems and praised someone for losing weight.

do you think adele would ever have lost that weight or gotten work done if she wasn’t famous? probably not. at least not to that extent. 

do you honestly think the way she lost weight was safe? was entirely by choice? like. i sure as fuck don’t. i also don’t think it’s sustainable without a FUCKTON of extra work and being miserable in your day to day life. 

i just. i’m tired. i’m sick of trusting people and still finding casual fatphobia.

she literally said at one point “maybe i need to reckon w the fact that my fear of having fat on my stomach is internalized fatphobia”

it’s not internalized it’s just fatphobia. and yes. you should.

the video is more than 6 months old and the vast majority of people commenting are thanking her for this honest discussion.

bc i wanna be so painfully clear about this, too.

her discussing her own bodily insecurities and then attempting to debunk them IS VERY GOOD! YES! MORE CONVERSATIONS LIKE THAT, PLEASE!

but don’t follow it up with talk about “real” ways to lose weight and BODY SCULPT. you’re perpetuating the fucking problem.

people with eating disorders ALSO ABUSE EXERCISE. 

i’m just very tired. hopefully she’s like. idk. had some discussions about it. no one is “perfect”, that’s not my point.

i just wish. that. she had been a little more conscious about how some of that was coming off and what it’s really saying.

also the “why don’t y’all just do it like adele” thing was bitter and more aimed at influencers. but they “joked” about like--

“god forbid people put in some work for once”

//stares blankly

excuse me?

i really can’t tell their full sense of humor or where it’s aiming or what the intent is (bc it was her and friend at that point in the video)

obviously they’re goofing and there is SOME layer of irony. 

but. the way everything was edited. and sandwiched with all this talk about body sculpting and shit (which WASN’T ironic in the LEAST), it’s just. 

not great. i didn’t like it. i sat through it hoping it would get better because the first half of the video was fine. 

i learned a bit about bbls and where they come from and how they work and also how they can kill you (not commonly, but YIKES. enough YIKES to be a dangerous procedures). 

like valuable info! good insight!

and then you top it off with fatphobic garbage. i’m tired. 

oh no wait i forgot. a thing.

she said at one point that she wished she was either much skinnier, or much heavier. because her in-between weight feels weird.

and i would just like to say

AT NO POINT WOULD YOU STOP FEELING WEIRD ABOUT YOUR BODY

AND ALSO BEING MUCH HEAVIER WOULD INCUR SO MANY SOCIETAL ILLS AND HARMS AND BIGOTRY AND STRUCTURAL SYSTEMIC OPPRESSION

KINDLY DO NOT SAY YOU’D RATHER BE “ONE EXTREME” BECAUSE THE MIDDLE SPACE IS WEIRD

at the same time!!!! i’m saying it here and NOT NAMING OR TAGGING HER because holy shit let people feel what they feel and process it

but oh my FUCKING god don’t act like an extra 40 pounds wouldn’t immediately get you on the fast train to “let’s yell at that fatso” town. no, it wouldn’t be better just because it’s more concrete. it would not be better kindly readjust your thinking and take this into account--and also maybe use it to continue to feel better about your body. 

also this is complicated because holy shit race and skin color make everything way more nuanced and complicated! i am ONLY talking about weight--i am not specifying the ways in which fat black women would be treated versus fat women of other races, esp white. my point is just that in general, it’s Not Better than being ~in between~

but also the trauma around being treated as in between? very legit!

i’m tired of having to carry all the nuance idfk man i’m just venting and frustrated. i don’t think she’s a bad person. i think she was right and insightful about a lot of stuff. i think i don’t have a single leg to stand on to tell someone how they should feel about their body or their relationship to it or their trauma or ANYTHING. 

i am just frustrated that a video meant to be a net positive or neutral instead ended up saying this stuff that IS FATPHOBIC because it is PERCEIVED AS NEUTRAL because health is still being held as this golden moral standard without her even realizing it.

this is not me railing against HER. i guess i should’ve specified that to. i’m not mad AT HER. i’m frustrated. 

because it’s so fucking pervasive that even well meaning people fuck up in ways that aren’t just like “oh shit you made a mistake” but like in ways that are like “yeah, accepting fat people is like. okay. but also. it’s still bad and people should still lose weight because it IS possible, just change your diet and exercise more.”

like that is a takeaway that a LOT of people are going to have from that video. and i’m tired. and they’ll swallow it more easily--including ppl w EDs and fat people struggling w body image--because it’s coming from a well meaning person who is sympathetic and educated and kind. 

whatever i need to stop. feel free to please ignore this. this doesn’t need to be a discussion. i’m only typing like half of what is happening in my head rn, rest assured that the most unnecessarily nuanced “all sides” Discourse is currently happening in my head and i’m considering not even posting this rant to my own fucking blog. 

here’s the other reason it makes me feel bad

i just got back into exercising with this dancing company/app that i like and have been following for a while, but i haven’t done their classes or bought a membership yet. i finally did, bc i’m like, i wanna! a lot of things i wanna do involve being more active and fit, and learning to dance. 

and i’m really struggling with how weak and out of shape my body has gotten in the last several years, because i used to be pretty fit. i looked the same, though.

i’ve gained more fat in my stomach and on my back over the course of the pandemic because the SHEER VOLUME OF COMPOUNDING STRESSORS have just continued to go up for the last like. five years. 

and there is NO ROOM to exercise in this FUCKING house, so i’m FORCING it now bc i just got. bored and sick of it.

i want to be fit again bc i want to do cool things and feel good about what i can do, and just be more active.

the strength of my legs was something i LOVED and would brag about. i loved cardio kickboxing bc i felt strong and powerful.

and i never lost much weight at all. i was still the same shape.

so that’s not the goal.

though i DO want to kind of help remove some of the extra fat i’ve gotten over the last few years, because i had already reached my set point weight, and this is extra.

i’m NOT going to change my diet because my diet is already such a huge issue for me, and i think my diet is fine. 

i am NOT exercising JUST to lose weight. it’s all of the above reasons. and i have VERY realistic goals about what weight i COULD lose and actually keep off (not much--10 pounds? idk, i’m bad at quantifying weight bc it looks so different on everyone and at different points in your life)

and i want breast reduction bc my breasts are so fucking huge that they make a LOT of things i want to do and enjoy basically impossible and also they HURT ME. ACTIVELY. and i hate it. 

smaller boobs would make me feel physically better, and also i’d feel more confident. 

but i am STRUGGLING. i hate how weak i am. i hate how out of shape i am. i hate my body bc i sweat SO MUCH and it always makes me feel gross and pathetic and weak and ~fat~ 

but. i don’t know that, even now, i would say that i hate my body. i don’t think i do. i’m REALLY frustrated with it. i hate the passage of time. i hate the fucking world, i hate this country, i’m sick of everything being infinitely harder than it needs to be.

but my body has been so stressed out and panicked and like i get it. if you need to put on some weight about it bc you don’t know what else to do, fine. that’s okay. i will accommodate and adjust. and i will try to take care of you so that the extra weight is just extra weight and not like, declining vitals/blood work, etc.

idk i’m just rambling now, my point was this:

i’m in a really sensitive place with my body. my relationship with my weight and body has been very weird. i’m fat but not a large fat. i’ve been made fun of for being fat but i have structural access to things other fat people don’t. i’ve been fit and i know that being fit doesn’t make me thin, bc that’s just how my body is. i’m short and fat and always will be.

so.

a relatively thin person.

talking about body sculpting.

and putting in the work.

makes me angry. 

because IT’S NOT TRUE.

and it riles up those old feelings i used to have, and still sometimes think about. how much easier life would be if i was thin. the clothes, the access--people thinking i’m hot. people wanting to date me. 

what would my life have been like if i was thin in high school? if i knew what gender and sexuality was at the time?

i can’t pursue this line of thought, it’s not healthy.

but it makes me MAD. 

because that shit isn’t true. and believing that body sculpting and diet and exercise and putting in the work would just FIX my body is like. so fucking toxic.

I LITERALLY KNOW THAT IT WON’T.

it will just make me fitter and more athletic/physically capable. i might lose some weight, so i might look a little more muscular. but i will still have my stomach (though slightly smaller), i will still have big flabby arms, i will still have “thunder thighs” as a fellow 9 year old once told me, my face will always be round.

that’s. like that’s fine. it’s my body. i know what it is. i’m trying to get it back to being fitter so i feel better in general.

and i’m just.

body sculpting is not a fucking thing.

how dare you say that celebrities and influencers saying that bbl results are achievable through diet and exercise are dangerous liars

but YOU saying that BODY SCULPTING is fine is like--not a problem at all.

again, not me mad at this one person.

me mad in general at the things society makes acceptable, even/especially among people who thing they’re anti-fatphobia.

and also just personally. i felt really bad about myself after the first few class-things i did the other day. i felt weak and pathetic. and today was also bad bc i found their “basics of dance” program and it’s. REALLY basic.

and still i was struggling. like intellectually i know it and can do it, but my fit. and my physically limitations.

it sucks. and i hate it. 

and i just don’t want people pretending that you can magically fucking change your body--or even acting like THAT IS A NORMAL AND ACCEPTABLE GOAL YOU SHOULD HAVE

i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired

my fingers hurt i have to stop typing