#because I'm trash and I need to endulge

[trexlex15]

I'm tired of being caught off guard.

I've known I'm not something to brag about. I've never been a looker. Chubby. Round. Lips too small. Nose too big. Cheekbones too high. I know when we started dating you'd either think we were well matched or determine my photos were hand picked on my good side. Maybe both. I think I was right but you kept endulging me. I find it funny you made a point you like what's on the inside. That's the nicest way of telling a girl she's ugly, maybe you didn't mean it that way but looking back it makes sense. The first time I was caught off guard, I realized you didn't think highly of me. You saw me the same way I saw myself. But that was ok. Of course there was more into it, and I needed that wake up call, but it's something I'll never forget. To go from wow maybe I found my person to wow he's been lying to me the whole time.

I'm sure there was more times I was caught off guard but I can't sit here and think on it but ever since that first time, I've been paranoid. Every time you're depressed, I freak out. I know your true feelings come out when your depressed or tired and I brace myself for the impact of the post that you want to talk to me but can't find the right time or words to end it.

Today, I still doubt. I still worry everytime you're depressed. And so it didn't shock me. Usually I just cry but today I just felt a rage. The things you say/do are so different than how you feel. I felt like if you could break up with me if i found out i was infertile, you don't truly love me in the first place. You'd trash all those years and lose that emotional connection. Like all you're searching for is a womb, not a partner. So all those times where I felt like you settling for me, like I was just a good person to make a wife because I was homely and timid, were true. Just move on to the next nice girl and pop babies out with her. You want someone to have your back but do you have theirs? And then I felt sad because I was so angry I was ready to just leave. I thought I was not any better because I'd let myself react to words on a screen. I see what you mean in your words I really do but it's the idea that we could end over an idea that won't be figured out until years down the road.

You tell me you won't break up with me but how can I trust you. You say things to make me feel better and then you turn around and say this completely different thing. So when you keep assuring me, no I won't break up with you, that doesn't help. That's just a way to calm me down. I don't want to be blindsided for when you're brave enough to do it. But if you really think you'd not marry me or break up with me after spending so much time together (assuming years before we can have kids) then I don't think we will work. Because to treat me like a defective object who can't give you what you want is just wrong. And I know I'm not a Saint in this but I think I deserve someone who thinks highly of me and who would hold my hand through the world's tribulations, not look down on me.

I doubt your love for me, sincerely I do.

[fanfic-inator795]

...gdi, I watch too many stupid medical dramas and I keep imagining a scenario where in a Draxum/Jitsu Fam truce (reluctant or otherwise) one of the Turts gets hurt - not life-threatening but still pretty serious - or gets appendicitis or w/e, something that needs surgery, and since Draxum is the only legit doctor there (Donnie knows a lot but he doesn’t know everything, and even if he did he’d kiiiiinda be emotionally compromised working on one of his bros) he has to do the surgery.

Of course Splinter is mildly freaking out despite Draxum’s insistence that the surgery shouldn’t have any complications (and when he’s not freaking out he’s threatening Draxum, telling him not to try anything while he’s got one of his kids under the knife), but while Draxum is annoyed he can’t exactly blame him. The worst Splinter has ever dealt with is colds, fevers, mild concussions and broken bones (which he’d probably know how to set, given his training, so no big deal at all). Besides, he’s still a father, it’s only natural to be worried.

Thankfully, the surgery is a success and Draxum quickly goes to share the news with Splinter, telling him that while it may take a month or so, his son will no doubt make a full recovery. And Splints just kinda stands there while Draxum explains the recovery process, to the point where Draxum feels like he has to ask Splints if he’s actually listening-

And then Splinter hugs him.

Draxum is completely frozen, shocked into silence while Splinter continues to hug him, quietly mumbling a “Thank you...” Draxum isn’t sure how long they stand there like that - somewhere between a few seconds and an eternity - but Splinter eventually lets him go and goes to check on his son, not bothering to ask permission to do so. He never brings up the hug, never sharing the moment with his other sons when they visit their brother and basically acting like it never happened, and Draxum does the same. 

Though, when he allows himself to remember, he’ll only admit to himself that... it was a pretty nice moment, all things considered.