#because I'm autistic and fat and queer and in a still very transitional place in my life | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

undefeatednils · 3 months

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Super exhausting week. Tomorrow will be a bit better. Monday will be bad again. Then calm for two days. thankfully. Also I ordered a new phone, which will probably arrive on Tuesday or Wednesday. Gonna need to transfer stuff over, hopefully that'll go smoothly.

Some extra thoughts that are yearning in the tags. Sorry y'all, feel free to skip/ignore/whatever. I need to yell.

#nils talking #feeling super out of place rn #both because my sister clearly doesn't understand how exhausted I am & how that impact my ability to do things rn and in the near future #but also because I don't have time for my friends and they don't have time for me #and at the same time I'm also just very frustrated because of how hard it is for me to get to know people #like I've said it before I feel very annoying and awkward and I fear rejection a lot #but at the same time I wanna know folks I wanna just hang out and have deep talks and cook dinner together and be chill #and I wanna both become a person who CAN and HAS FRIENDS who wanna do stuff like cuddle platonically without it being awkward #or more tbh #like I also keep saying this but like I also want romance and sex not even at the same time #though I do feel very much undesirable and with my confidence issues I'd need people who KNOW me to TELL me that they wanna have sex with m #because otherwise I wouldn't TRUST that sorta offer like if a stranger told me that they think I'm hot #I'd think they were pranking me or trying to humiliate me #not that that has ever happened #the closest was a girl who told me she had a crush on me but that was a way for her to try & get closer to a female friend of mine #which is a whole different can of worms of a story #but still like I wanna be in a situation where people DO tell me I'm hot and desirable AND that I can believe them #and to also not feel like an outcast sitting alongside actual friends #because I'm autistic and fat and queer and in a still very transitional place in my life #to just feel welcomed and loved for who I am and not just by my family which doesn't REALLY understand me

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