#bear in mind that I am aware that I'm complaining from a position of privilege

[buffywintersthevampireslayer]

this has been such a ROUGH year. aside from the job stuff - which has been brutal - there's all these little things about being an American living in China? I have so few food options, and then people are judgy and mean about me being a picky eater; people take photos or videos of me in the street, because they don't see many foreigners and I look strange, like the license to be rude that people feel that they have because I'm a foreigner is crazy (and I know they know they're being rude because sometimes they try to be discreet about recording me); there's the fact everyone makes phone calls for everything?? and I do get why (it's hard to write Chinese electronically so it's easier to call than text), but like, I can't answer the phone and when I do, it's useless, because I've been studying Chinese as much as I could before I got here and have been studying Chinese intensely while I'm here, but I'd have to be here for at least another year to be able to do phone calls

but the worst rn is that there are so many people who want to be my friend and are excited to offer their help until I actually need help, and then they say "you need to figure out how to do things on your own". I have had to move four times so far, soon to be five, and almost every time it's me carrying twenty heavy boxes or whatever by myself, as people gawk at the struggling foreigner. even when I hired a fucking moving service, he just dumped me on the curb with all my stuff and I had to bring it inside and up to my apartment by myself??? I broke the fucking elevator doors bc they kept trying to close on me and I couldn't both push the button to hold them open AND drag the massive heavy box inside the elevator. so I just had to do difficult physical labor while I was get chomped on by a massive metal mouth

and there's so much more. people here are pushy, both physically in queues and in terms of like. messaging you daily to push you to do the thing they want you to do? and people dismiss me when I don't speak Chinese but when I try to, they laugh at my attempts or get frustrated with me, and even with translation apps they get impatient and ignore me or get frustrated. I could go on for a while

there are a lot of things that I like about China, and I think my combination of homesickness (which again, people here kinda mock me for), my stress about unrelated things (like the US election), and so on, are making me feel more negatively about being here than I otherwise would. I'm hoping to arrive in America, hug my mom and dad, pet my brother's dog, get to eat the foods I've been craving for months, spend Christmas with my grandma, etc etc, and then have a clearer perspective of my time in China and be in a better place to decide if I want to return

but with how I feel right now? I would feel deeply relieved to never come back.