#bc when my cognitive dysfunction was super bad i couldn't even be this bored
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#i wish for a day where my heart did not bleed from all the losses that come with serious chronic illness#i know i should be grateful for even being able to type today#to think today#to make choices good or bad today#but there's just so much mourning to do that never gets done and it just piles up and up#i wish i could have a thanksgiving#or a birthday#or a shabbat#but instead this weekend will be about maintaining consciousness to not wreck my sleep schedule#making sure i don't lay down more than 14 hours each day#and trying to remember that this boredom is s gift#bc when my cognitive dysfunction was super bad i couldn't even be this bored#or this sad tbh#i couldn't even be this sad bc I wasn't physically well enough to have emotions this intense#🎉#anyway this is so wildly inappropriate im so sorry its just so hard to hear how terrible i am for not handling my illness better#and i feel like such a failure but i don't know how to do better with the symptoms that im given#and i live in a society that is always going to try to make me feel bad for being this sick#so i know i should just do the best i can do and focus on not beating myself up#but its so hard#chronic illness is loneliness upon loneliness#the loneliness of being too sick to connect#the loneliness of everyone giving you advice that is the functional equivalent of 'run 10 miles a day instead of 20'#the loneliness of having experience no one else can relate to#the loneliness of having nothing to talk about bc you don't do anything#my heart is broken#and this is not an appropriate venue for it#but it's just so hard to smile all the time and try to be appropriate#i'll get it together#i'll learn my lessons and put my public face back on and go back to mourning in private I just need a second
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