#bc they'd need to pay my bills and make up for what i do financially for the house
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unearthlydream · 6 months ago
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this weekend was hard. this coming weekend is going to be even harder.
funerals are weird and i'm feeling so inadequate in all areas. life moves on and i haven't really processed my mom almost dying let alone this.
i worry that i'll never be enough for anyone. my mind is always 10000 miles away and i worry that not being present is hurting people. its just getting so hard to care about anything. i can barely get myself up for work in the morning, and even when i'm here....i'm not here.
i'm at such a loss and feel like i've overextended the kindness my partner and friends have shown me. everyone has their own things going on and i feel like i should be over this so i can care about a birthday or be there when someone is having a bad day.
and its not that i don't care because i don't love them. i just can't even think about it or notice or remember. i don't have the mental energy to continue pouring into all of these cups but i feel like i don't have a choice. and feeling like that just bogs me down further into a cycle of guilt.
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