#bc they'd need to pay my bills and make up for what i do financially for the house | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

unearthlydream · 7 months ago

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this weekend was hard. this coming weekend is going to be even harder.

funerals are weird and i'm feeling so inadequate in all areas. life moves on and i haven't really processed my mom almost dying let alone this.

i worry that i'll never be enough for anyone. my mind is always 10000 miles away and i worry that not being present is hurting people. its just getting so hard to care about anything. i can barely get myself up for work in the morning, and even when i'm here....i'm not here.

i'm at such a loss and feel like i've overextended the kindness my partner and friends have shown me. everyone has their own things going on and i feel like i should be over this so i can care about a birthday or be there when someone is having a bad day.

and its not that i don't care because i don't love them. i just can't even think about it or notice or remember. i don't have the mental energy to continue pouring into all of these cups but i feel like i don't have a choice. and feeling like that just bogs me down further into a cycle of guilt.

#personal #i just feel so bad all of the time hehehehe #can't even keep a queue steady for my fav internet place because i just dissociate when i'm not actively at work or with people #likei'm really just on the couch or in my car or in bed staring at th wall bc what else is there to do when i feel like such a burden #no one wants me around on a good day and i'm too much to handle and too clingy/attention seeking when i'm not aching #i'm probably even more annoying to deal with now #been thinking about ending it lately and the only thing keepingme here is not wanting to burden my partner and roommate #bc they'd need to pay my bills and make up for what i do financially for the house #and like....... that's so sad lol and i know its sad but at this point i feel like the only value i have to anyone is what i can give them #hehehehe if u read this far ur obligated to like this post bc ur too in my business to not give me a crumb of engagement hehehehe

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